#The kids belong to the caste they're born into

[petervintonjr]

"I was working for Mr. T. L. Kearny on the morning of the day of the election, and did not think of voting until he came out to the stable where I was attending to the horses and advised me to go to the polls and exercise a citizen's privilege."

Good god, people. I sure misjudged a hell of a lot of you; it is obvious more studying is called for. Way more. As in, "lessons-that-may-soon-be-illegal" way more.

Since we're already fresh on the subject of elections, let's get right into it with a look at the life of Thomas Mundy Peterson. Born enslaved in 1826 New Jersey, Peterson and his family were later manumitted upon their owner's passing, and moved to Perth Amboy. Peterson married and worked as a custodian and general handyman at Perth Amboy's very first public school. Active in local politics, at the age of 46 Peterson had been a participant in a local ballot initiative to revise the town's existing charter; in this instance, whether or not to abandon their 1798 charter entirely and reincorporate as a township. (Spoiler alert: they did neither and became a city in 1844.)

On March 30, 1871, less than two months after the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment, Peterson voted in favor of retaining the town's existing charter --thereby making him the very first Black American to cast a ballot in any kind of post-Civil War election.

But for one unsurprising anecdote about a white voter at the polling place crumpling up their own ballot in disgust at the sight, Peterson's civic action went largely unremarked-upon (in fact Peterson even went on to be elected to the local city council). It was as true then, as it is now, that local elections are where the most immediate consequences happen. But gradually over time, the symbolism and the larger historical impact of Peterson's quiet moment took on much greater national significance. In 1884 the community raised the equivalent of $1800.00 to present Peterson with a medal featuring Abraham Lincoln's profile in recognition of his milestone --this medal is now part of the collection of Xavier University. In 1989 the public school at which Peterson once worked (P.S. No. 1), was renamed after him.

====

And further to the above subject: Fascism is a hell of a drug, people. One really doesn't see it for what it is when it finally arrives --no concept of just what it is that you've invited into your lives, just because eggs are inconveniently pricey or because you'd rather your kids not be exposed to history lessons like this one. Fascism never merely visits; it takes up permanent residence. Our Black brothers and sisters (especially the sisters) understood that deep in their bones prior to the Civil War, during Reconstruction, during Jim Crow, and during the Civil Rights movement. The rest of us need to internalize that, too. The past 400 years aren't "just" Black history, as if it all only belonged to a specific segment of the population. It is our history. All of us; inextricably connected to it. If we don't study it and learn about it; if we pivot to the deliberate ignorance that fascism so gleefully celebrates, then we all lose.

Racism (and all its cousins: anti-Semitism, xenophobia, homophobia, etc.) has been emboldened, running unchecked --to say nothing of truly terrifying old-school misogyny. (And yeah, go look up the word misogynoir if you haven't already). Of more immediate concern we've got... what, 70 days or so? 70 days to recalibrate, retool, get at least some guardrails up. In that time interval, please reach out to one another --check on your communities and keep a close eye on local issues, not unlike Thomas Mundy Peterson. Offer what help you can spare. Lotta desperation and panic floating about; folks are afraid of losing a lot of things in 2025 and beyond --you know, minor trifles like health care, insurance, income, savings, civil rights, autonomy. They're going to be looking for a connection. If studying these Black biographies these past 4+ years has taught me one thing, it is that authoritarianism flourishes when people isolate --whether forced upon them or on one's own. The moment folks break that pattern and start connecting with one another, the bullies proveably take a cautious step back. (Notice I didn't naïvely use the word retreat.) So look out for one another and keep each other afloat; the bullies hate that.

In the meantime for my part I'm going to keep doing the two things I know I am legitimately good at: teaching and drawing. Therefore I'll keep providing this resource until I am forcibly stopped from doing so.

If you're new to this series, start here.

[bellamontwasright]

Chigura was gifted with the ability to speak and understand the Topsiders' common language but knowledge of the spoken word did not give him the cultural context behind certain words. Someone's going to have to explain what words like "fiancee" and "gray skin" mean.

[thousandyearphantombunker]

The Owl House Critical Post, scroll away now I don't know if I am being too harsh in this post but I wrote it anyway so if you don't wanna read something potentially upsetting this is a warning (to those who decide to read please tell me if I'm being too harsh)

I remember initially hating how the show handled its villains, they all felt like jokes, they never felt like threats or like they provided a meaningful challenges for the main cast, they never had any real depth or complexity. but i bit my tongue, I was told that I was basically a dumbass for complaining that Bump openly breaks a law that's supposed to be punishable by death so that Luz could fulfill her witchy fantasy and that he wasn't arrested. the show could've had him make the multiclass student thing be something underground- boom it lets luz live out her fantasy but doesn't ignore what was established about the setting and creates potential stakes if these underground classes ever got discovered! That already made me angry but the cult thing is what I wanted to complain about- i only had basic ass knowledge about cults and TOH fails at portraying that crap, most people in the EC can just quit and do so in a way that makes it feel like they're just quitting a job, it doesn't feel like they fear losing their friends or sense belonging and community, they don't feel like they're anything but jokes. Leaving a cult is scary, often times cults will send their followers into the real world and set them up to have bad experiences so they'll come running back, they'll hire thugs to scare them into staying or position them in away so that they suffer (sending them out without money or the skills to survive), they humiliate those who begin to ask questions so that they stay in line. guilt tripping, putting members against each other, cutting off contact with the rest of the world! The show only adds the whole 'forced to fight on a mountain' thing for flavor! Everytime it brings up actual stuff cults do it feels like it's more for flavor than actually writing this topic with sensitivity- look at how they treat Lilith! Imo It feels like the show insulting people for ever trusting belos, treating them like they're braindead and could've just realized fairly easily that he was evil. It's the most egregious with hunter who was basically fucking born into the EC. the show is also pretty black and white, which is curious for a show that gets praise for its portrayal of religious trauma. You think the show would be more grey. I did deeper research into cults and just got SO tired of people talking about how good the show was at conveying such a heavy topic. The titan reveal also doesn't help- Luz is told by an all powerful deity that she is the chosen one basically and is told that old man is evil and needs to go down- isn't that the same justification that belos uses for his actions- not saying belos should've gotten redemption or forgiveness but this feels wrong. He deserved to die don't get me wrong but using this justification feels gross. What's even worse is that the titan made Philip's life harder on purpose- ah yeah that brainwashed cult victim would totally change his mind especially if you make his life harder- yeah I would've preferred if belos was depicted in a flashback just having a bad time on the boiling isles and cherry picked those bad experiences to justify his actions. Also I hate that the show just writes belos off as greedy and glory seeking when it could've conveyed a message about how people can get absolutely get warped by religious dogma. I do wonder though if I'm being too harsh because TOH is for kids and I was told it would be hard to portray this stuff in a way kids could understand. I can come up with ways to make the breaking the law openly thing less egregious but I am struggling to think of ways the show could have handled the cult thing, I am aware that maybe I'm accidentally saying stuff that is kind of bad faith but this is my truth. I feel like TOH wasn't good at villains and it sure as hell didn't write cults well

[thesimquarter]

Quick appreciation of the slightly cursed renders in the GBA manuals for the sims: bustin’ out & the urbz.

Anyways, did you know? The handbooks for the first two handheld Sims games has some unique descriptions for many of the characters!

These are the ‘Meet Your Neighbors’ pages of of The Sims: Bustin’ Out (GBA) and The Urbz: Sims in the City (GBA & DS) in the official game manuals.

[TRANSCRIPTION UNDER CUT]

[page 1]

MEET YOUR SIMVALLEY NEIGHBORS For a small town, SimValley has a lot of colorful characters for your Sim to get acquainted with. This section gives you a peak at just a few of the people who populate your Sim’s new home town.

Dusty Hogg - This bad boy biker plays by his own rules. While rumors around town state that he still lives with his parents, we don’t recommend you tease him about that—or anything else.

Mad Willy Hurtzya - Mad Willy knows a thing or two about going 10 rounds. Quick to solve a problem by applying his fists, he's definitely more of a fighter than a lover

Eddie Renalin - Although some Sims say that Eddie used to be a skinny twerp of a kid, those allegations have never been proven. Though short on smarts, these days Eddie's the biggest and strongest guy around town.

Bucki Brock - Bucki is a straight shooter who was born and raised right in the Valley. This is one girl who knows a cow from a steer and that's no bull.

Daddy Bigbucks - Daddy is sure enough a big spender. Your Sim will want to keep on his god side a to ensure they're near the drainpipe should any of that wealth trickle down.

Det. Dan D. Mann - Detective Dan D. Mann is the police presence in SimValley. He prides himself on keeping the SimValley streets safe and boasts that jaywalking is down 25% since he took on the beat.

[page 2]

O. Phil McClean - While O. Phil McClean isn’t the friendliest fisherman your Sim will ever meet, he does know the best spots for reeling in the biggest fish. If your Sim can get to know this crusty angler, he might tell them just what he’s using for bait.

Ephram Earl - This otherworldly neighbor is very familiar with things that go bump in the night. A bit on the loony side, this ghost can still give your Sim some of the worldly belongings that he no longer needs.

Misty Waters - Misty is responsible for keeping swimming Sims from expiring in the watery deep. She prides herself on staying fit, all the better to save lives and look good in her work uniform... a swimsuit.

Chet R. Chase - No hoity-toity, fancy French cooking for Chet R. Chase. A SimValley native, Chet serves up a tasty plate o' vittles that’s pure down home cooking.

Olde Salty - Olde Salty is the SimValley fish monger. He's a grumpy old sailor so ye'd best be wary of what ye say!

Nicki Knack - This SimValley old timer has made it her business to put her nose in everyone else's. A devoted collector of this and that, Nicki really might have a use for some of the items your Sim can't use.

Uncle Hayseed - Thanks to Uncle Hayseed’s generous invitation to come and spend the summer in SimValley, your Sim has a chance to enjoy the slower-paced life of country livin’ at its finest.

[Page 3]

Giuseppi Mezzoalto - Some Sims are suspicious of this Giuseppi and think that he sometimes uses his van for moving people's things—whether he hired or not, But when it's time to relocate, his big, roomy van does the trick for toting a Sim’s possessions across town.

In addition to this cast of characters, there are many more Sims around town who can become friends, roommates, or more!

[Page 4]

Darius - King of the Streeties, Darius has moves on the court and is a straight shooter when it comes to darts. He can usually be found at his hangout, Club Xizzle. Remember to stay away from his hotdogs.

Kris Thistle - Kris Thistle is King Tower's janitor. Outgoing, with a touch of attitude, she's more at home in her darkroom than behind a mop.

Daddy Bigbucks - Sim Valley's big spender moved to Miniopolis with plans to buy the entire city! Keep your eyes and ears open—this cat is definitely up to something.

Polly Nomial - Queen of the Nerdies and Associate Professor at the university, Polly is one smart cookie. If you're lucky, she might show you her vintage dictionary collection.

Roxanna Moxie - Flamboyant and fearless, Roxanna Moxie is the Carnival ringmaster and Queen of the Artsies. Fond of the bizarre, she counts the founding of the carnival's first freak show among her greatest achievements.

Luthor L Bigbucks III - Luthor is son and heir to Daddy Bigbucks' financial empire. A jetsetter and King of the Richies, Luthor walks the walk, but didn’t quite inherit his father’s evil streak.

[Page 5]

MEET YOUR NEIGHBORS The city is full of people for your Urb to get acquainted with. This section gives you the rundown on some of the people you'll meet.

Darius - King of the Streeties, Darius can usually be found at his hangout, Club Xizzle. Remember to stay away from his corndogs.

Kris Thistle - The King Tower janitor is outgoing, with a touch of attitude. Kris is more at home in her darkroom than behind a mop.

Daddy Bigbucks - Sim Valley's big spender moved to Miniopolis with plans to buy the entire city! Keep your eyes and ears open—he's definitely up to something.

Futo Maki - This construction worker oversaw the renovation of Splicer Island before it was shut down. Maybe you can put him back to work.

Sharona Faster - Sharona had plans to operate a water taxi to Splicer Island, until Daddy Bigbucks squashed her dream.

Jack I. Deal - This big man used to work for Daddy Bigbucks himself, but now he's got different ideas on how to earn his living.

Busta Cruz - This guy is a born entertainer. He keeps the Urbz amusement levels up.

Downloads to the full manuals can be found in this archive.

[clonerightsagenda]

LISTEN I understand that Miles is obsessed with joining the military because he was born into a military caste, he's constantly hearing about his parents' military exploits, and also everyone told him he couldn't, but he's incapable of following orders because as soon as someone tells him to do something he's like "what if I did something better though". He has absolutely no respect for the chain of command and is mostly loyal to the emperor because they're kind of bros. This kid does not belong in the military. Even spec ops is pushing it. Take the L before you get court martialed for real, buddy. Nepotism can only save you so many times.

[greyskyflowers]

How about soulmate marks that tie people to crews?

Black ink that changes colors when pressed on, and that's how to tell it's a soulmark and not just a tattoo. Once completely accepted on both sides, the bearer of the mark and the crew, it will turn to that secondary color permanently.

⚪️

Ace gets Whitebeards mark when he turns 17. He doesn't know who's mark it is at that point but that doesn't really matter.

It's a mix of emotions when he sees it, starting behind his left ear and dropping all the way to his shoulder. A proud, black mark that turns silvery, white when pressed. It's not somewhere he can easily hide it, which if you listen to old wives tales, means he'll be very proud and happy with this crew.

It's hard to wrap his mind around being wanted, having a future that indicates belonging and happiness literally etched into his skin.

⚪️

The Whitebeard crew hears about this hellion tearing through the seas and it doesn't really catch their attention until they hear murmurs about a soulmark. Their soulmark.

You don't have to have a soulmark to join a crew, only a few people actually get a mark, but it's a honor to have people on your crew bearing your mark. It's a blessing from the sea, a message that this person's fate is twisted up with yours.

Usually people find their matches. Once again it's not something that has to be done but it's been described as a yearning, an ache that doesn't truly go away unless the match is found.

It's important for the crew too. Having someone so young with their mark? It means the crew will have years left together, marks stop appearing if a crew is close to dissolving or failing. They hadn't had anyone with a mark in several years and they're anxious to confirm it on this kid.

That alone earns him a soft spot already in most of their hearts. They're anxious to claim him as theirs, to have another brother, a youngest to spoil.

⚪️

He lives up to his reputation. A vicious, little spitfire that's taken Jimbei down, is barely standing and still snarling for another round.

He's got a control over his devil fruit that makes it look like he was born with it. It's a destructive fruit, and he uses it well.

But he shows his potential with his crew, the kindness hidden away inside him, throwing up a wall of fire and telling them to run. The flames cast light on the side of his neck when he turns to yell at his crew and there's the mark. It's big, beautiful, and god they hope it's real.

⚪️

He goes down easy, too young and too exhausted to be anything other than a slight annoyance to Pops. The sand around him is almost gleaming glass from the heat but it doesn't stop Marco from dropping next to the kid to look at the mark.

It goes silvery, white under his fingers, fading back to a solid black when he removes them.

⚪️

It's almost instinct to want to touch soulmarks for your crew. Everyone is always swinging an arm around Ace's shoulder and taking the chance to brush fingers over his mark. It's comforting.

Ace's mark doesn't permanently change for awhile, hovering in a smokey, grey state even after he gets Pops ink. One day it settles though, beautiful silver, white ink that stands out against his tan skin. There's no way to miss it.

⚪️

Nothing bad ever happens to them and they all live happily ever after. The end.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

So, to follow up on this post that I just made that details my thoughts on the Taskmaster s18 lineup: Jack Dee, Rosie Jones, Emma Sidi, and Babatunde Aléshé...

I’m totally kidding! Obviously I’m totally kidding. Obviously. Obviously I was kidding in that entire post, suggesting that I give one fuck who those other four people are. It doesn't matter! Obviously in reality, seats 2-5 of Taskmaster s18 could be filled by Leo Kearse, Jim Davidson, Jordan Peterson, and Suella Braverman, and I’d still consider this to be a fantastic lineup.

Okay. Finally, after several weeks of losing my God damn mind, sitting on the spoilers and being good about not mentioning it (mostly…), I can say this. Finally.

Let’s talk Zaltzman.

First of all, let me set the scene. I've just finished my work for the day. I'm waiting in the break room while my co-worker files her stuff so we can close up the building together. I check my phone, because it's Taskmaster lineup spoiler day, and I've been waiting on confirmation.

I read the words and drop my phone in amazement, scrambling to catch it before it hits the ground. I look again, trying to make 100% sure I am reading this right, because I refuse to get my hopes up that high just to be disappointed. No, it says what I thought it said. I jump up, bang my fist against my chest and then into the air and then back again, mutter “fuck yes fucking right holy fuck” under my breath repeatedly, and then look around and am pleased to see my co-worker has not come into the room. And then I’m not allowed to post about it for several fucking weeks.

Andy was top of my wishlist. Possibly the number one person on it even if I could have literally anyone, including the people who definitely wouldn’t do it. He was definitely the number one person on my Taskmaster wishlist, out of the people who would possibly ever do it. But I wasn’t sure he belonged on that second list. Every time I’ve posted about a Taskmaster wishlist in the last couple of years, I’ve said of course Andy Zaltzman’s number one, but I know it won’t happen.

I know Taskmaster casts people who aren't already TV famous, but they're usually young. Taskmaster casts older people who are well established in a TV career, and young up-and-comers. Not people who turn 50 this year and did an episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time in 2008.

I mean, Andy Zaltzman isn’t completely obscure. It’s now been several years since he took over as host of The News Quiz, which I think is Radio 4’s flagship comedy program. The Bugle has been going for nearly 17 years and is quite successful. It’s not fair to imply that 2008 was his last TV credit; he was on Alternative Comedy Experience in 2013, where he had some chats with Stewart Lee that are among the most socially awkward things I’ve ever seen in my life. Sometimes they let him on TV in Australia. He did Matt Forde’s TV thing a few times. He does actually have a very successful career as a cricket statistician/commentator. He wrote for Bremner, Bird and Fortune in 2006. He’s doing fine. He's doing absolutely fine.

And he has an impressive stand-up career. He's done tours in the States, off the back of The Bugle's international success. He's performed in Asia off the back of his cricket commentating popularity. He's sold out big rooms to hordes of Bugle fans.

Taskmaster has cast lots of people who were less famous at the time of casting than Andy Zaltzman is now. They're just not usually Andy Zaltzman's age. But it doesn't matter, he's there now. So let me tell you about this man.

Andrew Zechariah Zaltzman was born on October 6, 1974. He grew up in Tumbridge Wells, Kent, a place he has described as so right-wing that they think you're a bit of a leftie if you only cast one Tory vote per general election. Raised by his father Zechariah "Zack" Zaltzman, who was a sculptor and a Lithuanian lapsed Jew who grew up in South Africa. Along with his sister Helen and brother Rick. I don't know his mother's name and it's probably fine to keep it that way, as I'm pretty sure Andy Zaltzman attracts a lot of fans like me, who have my combination of information-gathering autism and a good memory, that means I did not have to do any Googling to write that paragraph. I could have included the name of his school without Googling just because I've read his Wikipedia page so much, but I'll refrain from doing that.

To be fair, it's not some obscure piece of trivia to know his sister's name, because Helen Zaltzman is one of the only people in Britain who's had a podcast for longer than Andy. Podcasting was quite new when The Bugle started, but Helen started her podcast Answer Me This just before it. Helen Zaltzman's not technically a comedian, but she's quite comedy-adjacent, her podcasts are funny and she's been in plays at the Edinburgh Festival. Hangs out with comedians. Was friends with Josie Long at Oxford, so that's pretty cool. Used to be flatmates with comedy flatshare expert Matthew Crosby. Did an episode of ComComPod.

Anyway, after being raised with a future comedy-adjacent podcaster, Andy went to study Classics at Oxford University, where he also worked for the sports page of the student newspaper. It was here that he discovered his love of made-up bullshit, as he once wrote an entirely fictitious article about a game that never happened. When told they couldn't print it because it was libellous, Andy tried to argue that he hadn't libelled anyone because none of the people he wrote about in that article exist. Andy Zaltzman swears that story is true, and I think it probably is.

Andy Zaltzman did one stand-up gig at university that went very badly, then didn't do any stand-up for a bit, and then eventually did some more gigs that went less badly. Ended up in the finals of So You Think You’re Funny in 1999, where he lost to David O’Doherty (other finalists included Jimmy Carr, Russell Howard, and Josie Long, the latter of whom beat David O’Doherty in the BBC New Comedy Awards in the same year, a year of traded victories that they still amusingly and adorably reference on social media sometimes).

Andy Zaltzman got in with Avalon management, and in 2000, he went back to Edinburgh as part of The Comedy Zone. Also in 2000, he supported Stewart Lee on a stand-up tour around the UK. A lot of the venues were not told that there would be a support act and couldn’t fit him in at the last minute, so essentially, it was less like doing tour support and more like Andy just followed Stewart Lee around the country for a few weeks. Stewart Lee got so exhausted by the effort of trying to hang out with someone as socially awkward as Andy Zaltzman that he quit stand-up for several years (that’s a joke, but he did actually quit – eventually going back to stand-up but never back to his agency – because he got frustrated with Avalon on that tour, largely because they kept doing things like failing to tell venues that he was bringing a support act). In 2005, Stewart Lee returned to stand-up, and shared a flat at the Edinburgh Festival with Andy Zaltzman that year. Across the next 15 years, Stewart Lee took several opportunities to marvel at how it was possible for one person to watch as much sport as Andy Zaltzman did, when on tour and in Edinburgh flats.

In 2001, Andy did his first full-length Edinburgh show, called Andy Zaltzman Versus the Dog of Doom, which got nominated for the Perrier Newcomer Award. It was mainly a solo show, and billed as a solo show, but it featured a few bits with a man he'd met on the stand-up circuit named John Oliver, who was performing in The Comedy Zone. In 2002, Andy went back to Edinburgh with a show called Andy Zaltzman Unveils the 2002 Catapult of Truth, which also featured bits of John Oliver. John did his debut solo hour that year as well, a show that Chortle’s Steve Bennett called “a fairly pointless concept, which is then tiresomely illustrated”. Clearly, John made the correct choice in deciding that in future years, he’d stick to the stuff with Zaltzman.

In 2003, Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver began writing more comedy together, and were both specifically interested in political comedy. They found this could be difficult on mixed bill gigs where the audience hadn’t come for political comedy, and wouldn’t take well to all the dating and travel mishap stories being interrupted by satire on the colonial immigration process. So they started a comedy night in London called Political Animal, where they would co-host with their own jointly-written political jokes, introducing other comedians who would do exclusively political material. This allowed them to perform to audiences who would get what they were expecting, and it led to them being chased off stage less often (okay, their stories about those years of terrible gigs only include one where they got literally chased off stage). Comedians who performed at Political Animal included Robert Newman, Al Murray, Stewart Lee, Jeremy Hardy, Daniel Kitson, Chris Addison, Frankie Boyle, Andrew Maxwell, Will Hodgson, and don’t worry about the other name on the list from which I've copied this (it was one of those Russells they have now, and by far the worst of the three, despite the other two’s flaws).

On these early Political Animal nights, Zaltzman and Oliver used to do a sketch in which they'd interact with God. If Daniel Kitson was part of the show that night, he'd join them for that sketch and Kitson would play the role of God, which is a little on the nose even for him.

They did Political Animal once a month in London for several years, and also took it to Edinburgh for quite a few years in a row. In 2005, they recorded a pilot for BBC Radio 4, a radio show that would broadcast highlights of each act in a Political Animal night, interspersed with little Zaltzman and Oliver sketches. This got picked up and ran for two seasons, ten episodes in total.

In Edinburgh 2003, Zaltzman and Oliver did Edinburgh and Beyond, a mixed bill with each other and Rob Deering. Some of Andy’s material from that show can be heard in the Radio 4 program 4 at the Fringe. It opens with “Are you all glad to be alive? About half of you. Good. Aren’t festivals fun?” Then he goes into a complex explanation of how King Harold threw the Battle of Hastings and he has proof. This also contains the earliest known recording of Andy Zaltzman's classic joke about how voters' commitment to apathy is a paradox.

Then he says the words: “There are more celebrities now than ever before, in the world. There are also more facts in the world than ever before, and that’s just one of them. There are more celebrities now, and if the current rate of the increase in celebrities now continues, then by the year 2052, celebrities will outnumber ordinary people. And if that continues then by 2142, 99% of the world’s population will be celebrities. At which point the market will implode, and all celebrities will be merged into one giant celebrity, known as God. And the process will start again from scratch. Only this time, God will make the differences between men and women even funnier, and comedians will be the most powerful race on Earth. And after a savage and brutal war between the observationalists and the surrealists, into the power vacuum will come the singing comedians, and the world’s only currency will be amusingly altered pop lyrics. So please, be careful.” And you can begin to see why audiences occasionally chased him off stages. I don’t know what John Oliver was doing with his portion of that shared 2003 bill. Probably some stuff about penguins, given what he was into at the time. He was also very busy ripping cows apart that year. 2003 was a big year for people giving John Oliver large facsimile animals that he did not want and making him deal with them.

In 2004, Zaltzman and Oliver decided to stop messing around with little sketches in each other's shows, and just do the joint stand-up hour that the world had been waiting for. They went to Edinburgh with a show called Zaltzman and Oliver’s Erm... It's About the World... I Think You'd Better Sit Down, which is a hell of a title. They filled in a questionnaire about it for the BBC, which is a lovely little relic. If you want to know what Zaltzman and Oliver were doing during the Edinburgh Festival in 2004:

What will you be doing with the other 23 hrs of the day? JO: I will assign around 8 of those hours for sleep. I'll try and eat three times, spaced out in the time remaining. I will insult my flatmate for a further 3 of those hours. And I will think about sport for the rest of the time. AZ: Table tennis.

(Note: I'm 95% sure the flatmate John Oliver was going to insult for three hours a day is Daniel Kitson.)

They took the show on tour the following year, including performing it one time in 2005 with someone recording the audio. They didn't do anything with that audio until about six years later, when they released it during a filler week for The Bugle. It contains many of their classic joint bits, like the immigration sketch and the state of political discourse sketch.

In 2005, they did another joint Edinburgh show, called John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman Issue a List of Demands and Await Your Response with Interest. Not big fans of titles that fit easily into blurbs. This show unfortunately has been lost to history, or at least, it had better be lost to history, because at this point I will be furious if it turns out Andy Zaltzman has a recording of it somewhere and has been holding out on us all this time (not really, please let me know if you have this, Andy, I would pay you money). Steve Bennett called it: "As a double act [Zaltzman and Oliver] bring out the best of Zaltzman’s towering intellect and Oliver’s  sneery cynicism, feeding off each other’s presence." Which is a pretty solid summary of their double act dynamic in general.

I know there are reviewers besides Steve Bennett, by the way. But Chortle, for all its other admin-related faults, does archive its reviews in a way that makes old ones easy to find, so it tends to be my go-to reference for times like this. I have read other old Zaltzman and Oliver reviews, and a lot of them can be basically summarized as "They have good, intelligent, and funny material, but God, those guys can be really annoying." Brian Logan called them "Better writers than performers", which is maybe technically true but also he can fuck off. We like the socially awkward lack of charisma, okay?

Anyway. Back on topic. While they were establishing their live double act, Zaltzman and Oliver also teamed up with their friend, the excellent comedian Chris Addison, to write a radio show called The Department. This is a fictional show set in a secret government department that secretly runs the entire world, and they spend each episode solving a different problem. It ran on BBC Radio 4 for three seasons and 14 episodes in total, from 2004 to 2006. It featured a bunch of old Zaltzman and Oliver stand-up bits, shoehorned expertly into the mouths of the characters. Zaltzman, Oliver, and Addison co-wrote it and played the three main characters (except Addison didn't write season 3 as he was busy with other projects, but he still did the voice acting), with the other major character being voiced by Matthew Holness, and Lucy Montgomery doing some additional voices (Matthew and Lucy were both in Cambridge Footlights with John Oliver a few years earlier).

They hoped The Department would translate to TV someday, but that didn't happen. Even as late as ten years later, Andy Zaltzman, according to one uncharacteristically vulnerable interview, was still holding out hope that it could someday get picked up as a TV sitcom. John Oliver, on the other hand, said years later that he looked back on The Department as something that wasn't any good. John is, in my accurate opinion, entirely wrong about that. There are some old Zaltzman and Oliver things that I can recognize were objectively not great comedy, I just like them as adorable historical relics. The Department is not like that. I think it was a really, really funny and well written show. It had good characters and dense jokes and I wish it had become more.

These were the glory years of Zaltzman and Oliver. The Department on the radio, joint stand-up shows, hosting mixed bill stuff at Political Animal. But that double act was just a small subset of a larger group called the Chocolate Milk Gang. The Chocolate Milk Gang was an international crime syndicate that sometimes organized soccer matches, to borrow a phrase from John Oliver (John was talking about FIFA when he said it, but it still applies). You can see one of these matches in The Greatest Video on All of YouTube, featuring a lot of comedians who are hard to recognize because it's got about 8 pixels per inch, but you can always pick out Andy with his curly red hair, and John Oliver as the only one wearing long pants instead of shorts. I'm definitely not going to go look at the building where they filmed that video when I go to London this summer. That would be a weird thing to do. I mean I can't confirm whether I'm going to do that, but I will say that one time on his radio show I heard Elis James say Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and I laughed and said "That's what you think."

Anyway, the Chocolate Milk Gang was actually a bunch of comedians who were all friends in the early 00s, they frequently appeared in each other's stand-up shows (and occasionally radio shows and things like that), told stories about each other on stage, played football on Tuesdays, shared mixed bills, ritualistically sacrificed cows together in the middle of the night, things like that. They got their name because they drank alcohol either not at all or not very much, and after late-night Edinburgh shows they'd go for milkshakes while other comedians were getting drunk, so some of those other comedians started calling them the Chocolate Milk Gang. Glenn Wool has been specifically credited with coining the term, Andrew Maxwell and Jason Byrne were also said to be involved. An absolute cunt who goes by David McSavage was a dick about it. Basically they were a bunch of nerds who got bullied by the Irish and Canadians (not really, they've said they were on friendly terms with those guys and it was friendly banter, except for David McSavage, who is genuinely a cunt). They go by other names sometimes. Stewart Lee apparently used to call them "The Hanging Around Guys".

Further information can be found in the weirdest fucking article I've ever read (on the subject of me knowing about reviewers besides just Steve Bennett - Jay Richardson, what were you fucking talking about?), but basically, they were known for differentiating themselves from a previous generation of showbiz shouty fancy comedians, by doing things like wearing t-shirts and listening to indie music and putting a modicum of creativity into their art and not being alcoholics. Membership lists for the Chocolate Milk Gang changes depending who you ask, but the main people involved, in general, were: Josie Long, John Oliver, Andy Zaltzman, Alun Cochrane, Russell Howard, David O'Doherty, Gavin Osborn, Demitri Martin, Flight of the Conchords. Taika Waititi - Cohen at the time - is sometimes mentioned in that mix. Isy Suttie was definitely around and fit the remit. And Daniel Kitson was their, according to those weird fucking articles about it, king.

To get that list of people, I've taken the name that Glenn Wool invented for people who got milkshakes in Edinburgh, and applied it to a slightly more general concept. Not everyone on that list got milkshakes in Edinburgh in 2002, but most did, and all were part of a larger group of nerds doing comedy who crossed over with each other personally and professionally in that era, which is generally what I mean when I say "Chocolate Milk Gang".

Andy largely ended up in this group because his writing and performing partner, John Oliver, was so close to the ringleader/king Daniel Kitson. John Oliver and Daniel Kitson had repeatedly described each other as best friends. John also brought in Gavin Osborn, his friend from school and/or youth theatre. Gavin was flatmates with John's girlfriend for a time. Basically, John Oliver tied all these people in his life together, and then he fucked off to America, leaving the rest of them behind to keep making stuff with each other. Which they did, but managing it without John in the middle clearly wasn't always their first choice. The number of Chocolate Milk Gang members who have performed art that I have heard on the subject of how it upset them when John Oliver left is... more than three. It's four. I'm thinking of four specific pieces of work right now, though to be fair one of them is just Andy Zaltzman shouting the words "Percy Primetime" at an audience (the others are a song about mix tapes, a show about an apartment that I'm definitely not going to go look at when I fly to London because Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and a song about a penguin). That's a lot, really. People really, really liked that guy.

Zaltzman and Kitson in particular were a funny combination; whenever they used to end up on stages (or in a radio studio) together, there would be this strong sense of "your best friend is my best friend but God, do we ever have nothing else in common". But they'd give performing together a go, even though Andy Zaltzman is the most socially awkward man in history and has chemistry with no one on Earth except John Oliver. Neither of them seem to "get" the other's comedy in any way, or find much crossover in what they found funny. They shared a flat together in Edinburgh in 2007, where they wrote a sketch for Late 'n' Live in which Andy would pretend to be Daniel Kitson's penis, so that's fun. Andy Zaltzman had a set of about four deliberately bad impressions, which seemed to be the only part of his act that Kitson found funny, but Kitson found them hilarious and made Andy do them every time they performed together.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm trying to tell this story chronologically, and I've moved right past what Andy Zaltzman has referred to as: “The day in June 2006 when [John Oliver] told me he wanted to do the Daily Show job in America instead of going with me to Edinburgh to talk to twenty-five people a day in a darkened room.��

At the time, Zaltzman and Oliver were in the process of writing their third joint stand-up hour, for Edinburgh 2006. This show had already been submitted to the festival, as evidenced by some screenshots of the 2006 Edinburgh program:

The 2006 Edinburgh program also advertised:

And it was the debut year for the Chocolate Milk Gang mixed bill Honourable Men of Art, also already in the program with John's name:

According to Andy Zaltzman, in June 2006, he learned three things very close together, on almost the same day. The first thing he learned is that the BBC had cancelled The Department. This radio show was the only consistent thing Andy had going in his career besides live stand-up. He was counting on The Department getting bigger and maybe picked up for TV, so losing it was a significant blow. The second thing he learned, at almost the same time, was that his wife was carrying their first child. And the third thing he learned was that John Oliver was going to move to America right before their Edinburgh run was set to begin. Andy Zaltzman has described June/July 2006 as not a particularly fun time (John Oliver, on the other hand, has described summer 2006 as the time he lost his radio show and thought his career was fucked, so it's a good thing The Daily Show job came along to save him, because otherwise he'd have ended up stuck in the career path he was on in England, which was terrible, it sure would suck to have to stay on that path).

Andy Zaltzman has even said that if it hadn't been for his marriage and having a kid on the way, he might have moved to New York with John to try to keep performing as a double act, since he didn't have enough of a career in Britain to be worth staying for, and all the success he'd had had come from the Zaltzman and Oliver partnership.

I see why Andy Zaltzman found that partnership and briefly considered whether it might be worth moving across an ocean to preserve it. They worked so well together. They got each other's style of comedy, they were similar enough to fit together but different in the right ways to complement each other. They had incredible chemistry together, of the type that Andy had with, as I've said, no one else in the world. Andy had had to start his own comedy night (Political Animal) just because his style was so offbeat that it didn't fit in on regular mixed bills and it annoyed audiences who hadn't come for that specific niche, and the Zaltzman/Oliver double act saved him from having to sell that niche by himself. He was, as he describes it, not excited to have to go back to doing it alone.

He was also not excited to have to turn their double act Edinburgh show into a solo show at the last minute. But he did it, going to Edinburgh 2006 and performing a show called Andy Zaltzman Detonates 70 Minutes of Unbridled Afternoon ("It's important work Zaltzman is doing, at least compared to most other comics, and deserves to be heard ­ if only he was a bit more fluid in its telling" - Steve Bennett, 2006). I guess it's a better title than Andy Zaltzman Goes By Himself to Edinburgh to Talk to Twenty-Five People a Day in a Darkened Room. In Edinburgh 2006, Andy also hosted Political Animal on his own, and turned up to Honourable Men of Art, where they occasionally had John Oliver via the best live video linkup technology 2006 had to offer.

After this, Andy Zaltzman spent a year performing on his own. In 2007 he performed at MICF for the first time, where one time he stayed up all night in a radio studio with Daniel Kitson, playing BBC sound effects and Boney M songs, and Daniel made him do his Marvin Gaye impression. He also went on the Triple M radio show Get This, and was very socially awkward. Then he won the Piece of Wood Award for having other comics vote his show the best one, so that's cool. Clearly he must have been doing something all right, in a year that he's since described in interviews as very rough overall.

And then he was approached by TimesOnline, a subdivision of The Times, to start a trans-Atlantic podcast. The idea was that John Oliver would go into a studio in New York City, and Andy Zaltzman would go into a studio in London, and they would talk to each other about the week's news, and someone would produce and edit it, and that would be a newfangled thing called a podcast. Like the thing that Andy's sister Helen had just started doing. Andy Zaltzman said yes because, in his words, he had "Jack K. Shit" else going on and it was a chance to reunite the double act that had been working for him. John Oliver said yes because, in his words, it is a treat to get to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. I think John meant it when he said that, because John Oliver had a very good and very busy job as a writer and correspondent on The Daily Show at the time, in addition to a stand-up career in the States and an increasing schedule of events with major American comics, so it's not like he took the Bugle job because he needed the money or the profile boost. I think he really did consider it a treat to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. And what a treat that is.

They set up a format in which they'd talk on the phone for a bit earlier in the week, to establish a list of topical subjects to cover. Then they'd go away and each write their own material on those subjects. Then on Fridays, they'd connect from their separate studios and discuss the subjects with their material ready. The best bits made it into their respective stand-up shows.

From the beginning, they both contributed a lot to the podcast, but Andy drove the dialogue and tended to come a little more prepared, as is reasonable, given that John Oliver had other shit going on. The Bugle ran in its original form from October 2007 to March 2016, and in that time, Andy Zaltzman turned over an incredible amount of material. It is honestly amazing how much new stuff he came up with every week. Yeah, he had some ideas and concepts that he re-used, and yeah, not 100% of it was solid gold. But a lot of it was very funny. Funny, dense comedy that was new every single week.

Andy Zaltzman is the most creative comedian I've ever heard. I mean, obviously I guess that depends on your definition of "creative", I've seen some comedy shows where it's so creative that I have no idea what's going on (these are called "clowning"). But within the parametres of just writing straightforward stand-up material, I have never heard anything as creative as Andy Zaltzman. He hits a topic from so many directions that no one else would think of. He reaches for absurd comparisons, turns of phrase that make me run back the recording because I could never catch all the meanings at once, five or six different jokes embedded into one sentence. The number of obscure references to history and/or sport and/or Greek mythology (he didn't study Classics for nothing) he can get into any paragraph is blinding. He's fucking amazing.

More than that, The Bugle with Zaltzman and Oliver was an amazing piece of media. It is incredible how they blended interactivity with tightly written material. Comedians riffing with each other is fun because it feels real and immediate and unrehearsed. Carefully written stuff is good because writing something with care gives comedians the time to make it funnier. The Bugle was Zaltzman and Oliver taking their jokes that they'd crafted to be as funny as possible, and using them as the basis for otherwise spontaneous interaction, so they got the best of both worlds. And it worked, every time, because they have the best chemistry I've ever heard in all of comedy. They were like athletes who could always tell where the other was going to end up, they could take their bit and make sure it would land in just the right spot to work with what the other person would have. Even though they didn't know exactly what the other person had, because they didn't write it together. But they knew each other so well that they could anticipate. It's amazing. It's a fucking amazing feat of comedy and it should be in some sort of hall of fame.

In 2008, Andy Zaltzman wrote a book. It's called Does Anything Eat Bankers? and it's a collection of absurd comedy mini-essays about the credit crunch. It's the most 2008 thing I've ever read. It made me laugh out loud a lot. It's available on eBay for insultingly cheap prices and is an excellent summary of Zaltzman's offbeat sense of humour.

From 2007-2014, Andy Zaltzman hosted Political Animal in Edinburgh every year. Usually on his own, though in 2011, John Oliver flew to Edinburgh and they did a few reunion Political Animal gigs, featuring Daniel Kitson reprising his role as God in their God sketch. Andy also kept up his Chocolate Milk Gang membership over those years, doing the Honourable Men of Art gig when it came back in 2008, appearing at some Kitson-compered Late 'n' Lives in the 00s, and at some Kitson-compered Chocolate Milk Gang reunion shows in later years (ZOCK, Fuckstorm 3000, Fuckstorm 3001). Andy did the impressions when Kitson told him to, even though by then he'd long dropped them from his regular act. Andy also performed new Edinburgh solo shows nearly every year from 2007 to 2019 (missing 2009, 2012, and 2015), usually with long convoluted titles in the style of Zaltzman and Oliver ("Life is convoluted, my comedy merely reflects that" - Andy Zaltzman).

In 2014, Andy started doing Satirist For Hire, a show he continued touring off and and on until 2022, in addition to his regular stand-up shows. In Satirist For Hire, the audience could write in with the date they were attending and a subject for Andy to satirize, and the show would consist of him satirizing audience-requested topics. It wasn't improv or anything, he'd get the topics in advance and write stuff about them, new stuff for every show. Which sounds like a ridiculous amount of work, but he was already doing that kind of thing for The Bugle, writing new stuff constantly. Some of these got recorded and released on filler weeks of The Bugle. Topics he got asked to satirize included all 721 Pokemon by name, the autumn equinox, the rebellion in Syria, and his own mother-in-law. He released a DVD of Satirist For Hire that was filmed in 2014, in which he performed the bespoke satire as well a "best of" his other old and new jokes, including some stuff that dates back to the Zaltzman and Oliver catalogue of the early 00s. It also has a DVD extra that's Andy just telling a weird story with no punchline, it's really annoyingly rambling and pointless, even for him. It's great.

During the original run of The Bugle, there were a lot of jokes in which John would tell a star-studded story about his life with celebrities in New York City, and Andy would say he'd had a good pastrami sandwich that week. There were slightly less funny parts at the end of the episodes, in which John would plug some big American event he was doing, and Andy would make a vague plea about small-time stand-up gigs that he couldn't sell. As The Bugle went on, Andy started doing slightly bigger stand-up gigs and sounding slightly less concerned about lack of tickets sold (due to him building up an audience of Bugle fans), though it still didn't look great when put next to John Oliver's projects.

Alongside this, Andy Zaltzman started getting jobs in the world of cricket as well. He was a massive, utterly obsessed cricket fan, made a lot of cricket references in his stand-up and on The Bugle, and at some point some people took notice and started inviting him to do cricket things. Spots on sports shows in which he'd analyze cricket. Cricket commentary. Collation of cricket stats. After several years of this, he started getting to travel for it, announcing on The Bugle that he'd be doing stand-up gigs in Bangladesh because he was going there anyway to attend cricket games and be paid to commentate on them. He doesn't have personal social media, but he does have a Twitter account that Tweets nothing but obscure cricket stats that he has personally worked out. What a weird guy, spending all his own time gathering information about one niche subject and then collating all the stuff from various sources and posting his findings on the internet. Nerd. You wouldn't catch me doing that.

Off the success of The Bugle, he started getting some other stuff. He was a regular host for a while on the Radio 4 panel show called 7 Day Sunday, where he worked with Chris Addison and Al Murray and Rebecca Front, I have frustratingly never been able to find episodes of that show. He got a Radio 4 mini-series called Andy Zaltzman’s History of the Third Millenium, which I have also never been able to find. He started appearing as a guest on The News Quiz somewhat regularly. He did that one episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time, and it was very awkward. Stewart Lee put him on Alternative Comedy Experience.

In 2008, John Oliver released a stand-up DVD called Terrifying Times. Andy flew to New York to appear in the recording of it. He came on stage a couple of times, for a few minutes each time, interacting with John so they could include some of their joint sketch material in the DVD. There's also a DVD extra that's a conversation between Zaltzman and Oliver, which is hilarious.

In 2012, Andy Zaltzman again went to New York, to perform some stand-up on John Oliver's New York Stand Up Show (along with Chocolate Milk Gang's David O'Doherty), a confusingly titled American television program with various comedians doing short sets compered by John Oliver. After years of relentlessly making fun of John on The Bugle for how he started saying "gotten" once he'd been in America for a bit, Andy got on American TV and immediately said the word "sports", which was adorable. He tried to fit in. It didn't really work and the crowd didn't know what to make of him, but he tried.

In the original run of The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman really honed his trademark style. It was marked by absurd analogies that treat any of the following like each other: sports, politics, Greek mythology, religion, current events, and occasionally a movie or something. He started doing "pun runs", where he'd spend several minutes doing one coherent monologue in which he'd make as many puns as possible themed around a single subject, usually while John Oliver screamed in agony in the background (you'd think it would stop being funny but it didn't, at one point he started using a little bell to mark each pun). Jokes with footnotes. Jokes where the joke is that the story is pointless. Everything he said carefully and tightly wrapped in at least 18 layers of irony. A running joke in which he'd introduce each Bugle episode by discussing something obscure that had happened in history on the day they were recording. So many cricket and snooker references.

An audio cryptic crossword that ran for the first thirty or so Bugle episodes, in which he'd read out a clue every week, but the clue wasn't to anything that made sense, it was just to some shit he'd made up in his head, and he never released a visual to accompany it. Yet it did work, some people at home actually solved it all and wrote it all out and it all fit together perfectly (that is how you do a crossword, Pemberton).

Massive truckloads of absurdity dumped with increasing urgency all over current events, as though he thought he could bury the dark realities under it. Zaltzman and Oliver's name for this absurdity was "bullshit"; it used to be a running joke that they'd advertise The Bugle by promising it would be completely free of facts, providing the best bullshit you've ever heard. Long, intricate bullshit that all ties together and keeps going just when you think there can't be any more to this story that Andy has entirely made up. Like the athletes he wrote about at university, no one can sue him for libel because they don't actually exist.

One time their producer Chris Skinner accused them of having an especially sweary Bugle, so far containing "twelve fucks and one cunt", and Andy said that's the Jewish view of the New Testament, and they (rightly) talked for like three years about how good a joke that was to come up with off the cuff. Andy's lapsed Jewish-ness is also a frequent topic of his jokes, usually how incredibly lapsed he is, being a massive fan of bacon sandwiches and one time his sister gave him an entire dead pig as a Christmas gift, a story that made it into a Daniel Kitson stand-up show as well as a lot of Bugle jokes about how in most cases that would be a hate crime.

There were also jokes throughout that Bugle run about John Oliver's increasingly high-profile career; Andy gave him the nickname Johnny Showbiz and cheerfully kept telling stories of pastrami sandwiches after John's stories about meeting Samuel L Jackson or whatever. I first listened to The Bugle a few months after I listened to the old Russell Howard/Jon Richardson BBC 6 Music shows, and those were basically an audio documentary of a friendship slowly cracking apart due to one party's jealousy of the other's increasing success (I mean, there were other issues too), so I found The Bugle an odd contrast at first. Because Andy made those jokes, but it sounded like there was absolutely no genuine jealousy behind them. If anything it went the other way, he seemed to vaguely pity John's weird hectic life, and John seemed to generally agree that this was too much celebrity and Andy was better off in his shed. I started wondering: how is Andy this okay with the disparity? Is he hiding the jealousy really well or is he made of stone?

A while into my the first listen-through of The Bugle, after wondering this for a few weeks, I came to the conclusion that the reason Andy Zaltzman sounded unbothered by John Oliver meeting Samuel L Jackson is that Andy Zaltzman truly, deep down to his core, did not want to meet Samuel L Jackson. That man was not impressed by anything in the world that's not a cricket stat or a bad pun, and he entirely meant it when he mercilessly mocked John for the embarrassing transgression of winning an Emmy. That wasn't masked bitterness, he just thought winning an Emmy was genuinely embarrassing. And John Oliver, once again, seemed to basically agree.

In 2011, there was the News of the World scandal, owned by News International, owned by The Times, which owned The Times of London, which owned TimeOnline, which funded The Bugle. Andy and John decided to really go after everyone behind the phone hacking scandal, for several weeks in a row. They didn't just talk about the shit journalists, they went for the entire system of tabloid press and its collusion with government, the people at the top of the both sides of that, everything that allowed this to happen. While doing this, they had a running joke in which they'd tap their mic and ask "Is this on?", implying that their overlords at The Times would cut their mic in retaliation for talking shit about Rupert Murdoch. Then The New York Times wrote an article about what they'd been doing, and they started to sound slightly more genuinely worried that this might get them in trouble.

A couple of months later, for what both sides called unrelated reasons, TimesOnline fired John and Andy, pulling The Bugle's funding. In a Bugle episode in December 2011, they said this might be their last one, they were scrambling to find alternative funding sources but might have to just end the podcast. The tone in that episode made the discrepancies in their careers clear. John repeatedly emphasized how much he loved The Bugle and everything they'd built together, and how he'd like to save it. While Andy had a lot more genuine desperation in his voice as he again used the term "Jack K. Shit" to describe what else he had going on in his career, he actually needed to #SaveTheBugle. You can see that as well in how careful they both were. John and Andy both said they were dropped for apolitical reasons, just lack of funding. But John messed around a bit and implied that this may not be the whole truth, while Andy sounded less willing to possibly get them in more trouble. Years later, in a 2023 episode of the rebooted Bugle, the subject of The Times came up, and Andy offhandedly mentioned that The Bugle used to be funded by The Times, until they were dropped "suspiciously shortly after" they made a bunch of Rupert Murdoch jokes. This was the first time Andy had acknowledged a possible connection, and I liked that, like a sign that he'd finally achieved enough success independently so he could afford to talk like that a bit too.

I made a compilation of this situation a couple of years ago. Most of the Bugle bits in it are John Oliver's lines, because the compilation was meant to contrast John Oliver's running joke on Last Week Tonight where he'd talk shit about HBO's parent company AT&T, referring to them as "business daddy" and gloating about how he could do that without getting in trouble, with the time in 2011 when he went on The Bugle and talked shit about their business daddy and did in fact get in trouble. Andy had a lot of good jokes about Rupert Murdoch and The Times during those episodes, they mostly aren't in this compilation because they weren't as relevant to the Bugle-LWT John Oliver Versus Business Daddy narrative, but the compilation still tells the story. Also I illustrated it with a bunch of amusing old Zaltzman and Oliver pictures.

In early 2012, they came back and announced that they had managed to sell enough listener subscriptions to keep The Bugle going independently. The Bugle continues to run that way to this day, free to listen to but funded by optional listener subscriptions, no ads (aside from a short time in 2018 when they partnered with Radiotopia and Andy had to read out those mattress ads and stuff, and you could hear his soul sinking into the floor, luckily that didn't last long), just because they created a product that's good enough to be worth its audience paying for. It also gets funded by merch sales and things. They have hats and socks.

The Bugle ran for a couple more glorious years as an independent podcast fronted by Zaltzman and Oliver. Then in summer 2013, Jon Stewart went away to film a movie and John Oliver filled in as a guest host for The Daily Show. John Oliver would do a fantastic job fronting America's flagship topical comedy show all week, and then come on The Bugle on Friday and lament how badly it was going and how he couldn't wait to get back to the sidelines where he belonged. But after that, as he'd proven his abilities as a host, HBO offered John Oliver his own weekly show. In December 2013, John Oliver proceeded to have a breakdown, but still left The Daily Show to start Last Week Tonight.

As shown in the compilation I've just linked, which is entitled Johnny Showbiz Gets His Own Show and Has a Breakdown, they promised at the time that this would absolutely not affect The Bugle. They promised! Repeatedly. I mean, they sounded at the time like they were trying to convince themselves and each other as much as the listeners, but still, they promised.

They mostly kept that promise for about a year, taking a few more breaks than usual throughout 2014 to accommodate John's busier schedule, but I don't think The Bugle declined in quality when it did go out. And given how few weeks off they'd had since October 2007, even The Bugle with extra breaks was still a hell of a lot of comedy material for them to turn over. They took a break for the whole summer in 2014, their first time taking more than a couple of weeks off in a row, but came back with a great run of episodes in the fall.

Andy did mention to Stuart Goldsmith, in a 2014 interview, that he was hoping he might be able to be involved with Last Week Tonight in some way, at some point. It's not clear whether he ever mentioned this to John Oliver. Seems like the sort of thing he should have maybe mentioned to John Oliver, instead of saving it for an uncharacteristically vulnerable podcast interview. But maybe he did ask John Oliver for that and it just didn't work out. He doesn't say. It certainly didn't end up happening.

Then, throughout 2015, The Bugle died a slow and incredibly painful death. They kept doing filler episodes, in which Andy would explain that John was busy, but promise he'd be back next week. Then, often, nothing, not even a filler episode, for weeks. Before 2015, they always put out an episode every week, usually a new episode, but if they didn't have one, there would be filler: an outtakes show or a best-of show or some recordings of stand-up or something. One time the producer Chris Skinner strung together a whole filler episode by doing things like interviewing their friend Alun Cochrane (back when Alun Cochrane was cool, Alun Cochrane is now no longer cool). But in 2015, they began to hit the limit on the number of weeks in a row when they could do filler episodes, so they started just putting out fuck all.

John Oliver did turn up for Bugle episodes occasionally in 2015, but when he did, he sounded increasingly distracted and like his heart wasn't in it. Which is fair enough, because we now know that he spent 2015 trying to write and present a research-intensive weekly HBO show, as well as caring for his wife while she had a high-risk pregnancy. It's as good an excuse as I've ever heard to not be able to talk shit about Bashar al-Assad or the band LMFAO with Andy Zaltzman every week (also, you have to give John Oliver credit for the fact that he did The Bugle very well for years despite never actually needing it, and was just in it for the love of the game). But he probably should have just said that, rather than clearly telling Andy all the time that he'd be back soon, which we know he was doing because Andy sounded like he believed it when he relayed that message to the listeners, and then it kept not happening.

To be fair, Andy also should have called time on the podcast way earlier - at the very least announcing an extended break, if not just acknowledging that it's not going to work anymore and ending it. Instead, Andy kept coming back to introduce filler episodes and promise us John would be back soon. And every once in a while he'd do a frustrated new episode with a checked-out John Oliver. I listened to the worst of this period of The Bugle within a couple of days, and that was rough, hearing it all at once like that. Had me yelling at my phone, "Oh my God, stop it! Just put it out of its fucking misery! This is an ex-podcast! Stop nailing it to a perch and trying to sell it back to us!"

Andy mentioned the "Jack K. Shit else going on" thing a couple of times as a reason for why he kept trying, but I don't even think that was true anymore. He had a big stand-up audience garnered by the success of The Bugle. He had his cricket career. He had regular radio work. He didn't have some big TV career or anything, but he had enough to be getting on with. Enough so he did not have to be as desperate as he got about trying to keep a podcast going when it was clearly over.

I think he was scared to try to do his comedy career without basing it around bouncing stuff off John Oliver. As his comedy career did have a history of spectacularly not working when he wasn't working with John.

Throughout 2015, Andy's increasing frustration could be heard in his voice during intros for the podcast filler episodes, and in the recordings of his 2015 stand-up that got released as said filler. He developed a joke in which he'd ask the audience who's heard of John Oliver, find the one or two people who said no, and shout, "Fuck you Percy Primetime, everyone in this room has heard of me!" "Percy Primetime" was a nickname spat with quite a bit less affection than the old "Johnny Showbiz". For the record I don't think they had a real falling out or anything, but there was some genuine bitterness there for the first time after all those years of fame disparity, it finally became clear that Andy Zaltzman's not actually made of stone.

In early 2016, The Bugle came back with one full episode that was actually very good, John and Andy were both really into it. John Oliver apologized for the many jokes he'd made in previous years about how funny it would be if Donald Trump ran for president, and they announced that The Bugle would be continuing for the forseeable future, just going once a month instead of once a week, so they could stop with the filler stuff and be more realistic about what was possible around new schedules. Then two months later, they came back and admitted this was not, in fact, realistic, and John was leaving The Bugle. Andy announced his plan to reboot the podcast in the fall, with John Oliver replaced by a rotating series of co-hosts from around the world. Andy sounded fairly terrified of this prospect.

The last episode of the John Oliver-era Bugle was number 295, and for reasons that Andy Zaltzman finds funny, he made the first episode of the new era episode 4001. This came out on October 24, 2016, and featured Hari Kondabolu as the guest co-host. Hari's a New York comedian whom I assume was recommended by John Oliver, as I can't imagine how else he and Andy would have crossed paths, and they sure didn't sound like two people who had ever encountered each other before. It was fucking awkward. It didn't help that it was a couple of months before the Donald Trump election, so a pretty intense time to try to just jump back into topical comedy with a "get to know the rebooted podcast" episode.

Basically, if Andy Zaltzman feared that his offbeat niche humour would not work without the one comedian in the world who was tailor-made to fit into it... those fears were not alleviated in that first episode. Hari Kondabolu is awesome, he has since become one of my favourite Bugle guests and I've gotten into his own stand-up, but that first time, he had no fucking idea what to make of Andy, and not much of an idea of what he'd signed up for with The Bugle. Andy had no idea how to talk to anyone in the world who isn't John Oliver. It was weird.

Episode 4002 featured Nish Kumar, who came in and immediately shouted "Fuck you Chris!", which was a running joke from the John Oliver-era Bugle (referring to producer Chris Skinner, John and Andy and the listeners would affectionately say "fuck you" to Chris a lot for reasons that made sense at the time), an instant way to assure the audience that he knew exactly what he'd signed up for. Nish had been listening to The Bugle since it started when he was still doing student comedy, and as far as I can tell, he'd pretty much climbed the ranks of the comedy industry in the hopes of someday getting to touch the garment of his heroes Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver (he might have had one or two reasons besides that, but it was mainly that one). And he got his wish. He's now the second most frequent co-host of the Bugle 4000-series (after Alice Fraser), and one time he got to play football with John Oliver and they got into fights on the pitch.

The Bugle continued on shaky ground for the first 25 episodes or so, really for the first 50. Andy has said since that he knows those episodes were rough, that he'd got so comfortable in his familiar rapport with John Oliver that he just couldn't generate the same thing with people he didn't know as well, and he didn't know anyone as well as John. Though it clearly wasn't just about who he knew as well as John, but who he could comfortably work with as well as John (which was no one). Helen Zaltzman came on a few of those early episodes, and she was a fantastic guest, really funny and took Andy to task and held her own on every subject, but it is incredible how little chemistry Andy Zaltzman managed to have with his own sister. He brought in Anuvab Pal, a comedian from Mumbai whom Andy knew from his time covering cricket over there, they were friends in real life, but they often sounded like they'd never met before. The only person Andy sounded like he knew how to talk to at all was Nish, whom he'd known for a few years through stand-up by the time the Bugle 4000-series started. The Nish Kumar episodes were the best ones, especially early on, but it wasn't anywhere near the levels of Zaltzman and Oliver chemistry.

Andy has said in interviews since that he was struggling during that time, and that started occasionally making its way into the Bugle content, which previously had rarely been particularly personal. At the end of 2016, Andy Zaltzman did a year-in-review stand-up show (something he did every year for a while, a whole stand-up show written to only be performed one time to mark the end of the year), and (on the subject of reviewers who aren't Steve Bennett), Dominic Maxwell in The Times (fuck off, Times) wrote a review in which he called Andy "John Oliver's left-behind sidekick". Andy brought that up on The Bugle several times, citing the "sidekick" line with real bitterness, and rightly so. Partly because he has never been anyone's sidekick (except maybe Daniel Kitson's once in a while at old Late 'n' Live gigs), and partly because that was a solo stand-up show that was not affiliated with The Bugle and definitely had nothing to do with John Oliver, so he shouldn't have been put in John Oliver's shadow in a context like that. It was actually a 4-star review, Maxwell liked the show. But the review's first paragraph was:

Why has John Oliver become a star in America while his old partner in seemingly shambolic yet secretly serrated political satire, Andy Zaltzman, remains a cult comedian with a sideline as a cricket stats man? Is it because Zaltzman, with his receded Harpo Marx explosion of hair, is less telegenic than Oliver, with whom he co-hosted the podcast The Bugle until last year? Is it because, although he is every bit as grounded in reality as Oliver, Zaltzman is a more devotedly loopy joke-writer, so that he always adds his own twist of wry absurdism to our leaders’ already skewed logic?

Starting a four-star review with that is one hell of a backhanded compliment, no matter how positive you go on to be about the show itself. I assume that review was the main one - probably among plenty of other reviews that had built up Andy's resentment over time, but that Maxwell one was clearly the straw that broke his back - that led Andy to record this "interview with himself" to put in the "in the bin" section at the beginning of a Bugle episode in early 2017.

So the stone was starting to show serious cracks at that point. At one point in 2017, Andy plugged his upcoming run at MICF, saying it would be good to perform in Australia because his career could "flush down the toilet in the other direction" for a bit. Nish Kumar laughed way too hard at that, I remember saying to my phone, "Nish, stop! Can't you see he's having a breakdown? Stop laughing at that and give the man a hug!"

It was hard to listen to the most stoically-dedicated-to-irony-and-bullshit man I'd ever heard have a breakdown, but things eventually got steadier. Andy did some episodes from MCIF in Melbourne, and on Bugle episode 4023, in April 2017, he brought in Australian comedians Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser. Tom and Alice both became Bugle regulars, but Alice especially started doing it all the time. Alice, like Nish, told stories of how she'd been a dedicated listener to the original run of The Bugle since before she'd started stand-up, and you can see Andy's influence on her comedic style (you can see it in Nish's too - John and Andy both influencing Nish a lot, while Alice is a lot more like Andy than she is like John).

The inclusion of Alice Fraser changed the game for the rebooted Bugle, as she quickly became a very frequent presence, and Andy developed as good a rapport with her as he could have with almost anyone. There are some sweet moments in her early episodes when Alice would pull out some Zaltzman-esque puns or absurd analogies, and Andy would sound genuinely touched that someone else was into his weird niche humour. He immediately started including her in some bit parts of his stand-up shows too, whenever he was in Australia or she was in England.

The Bugle also got better once they started doing two guests at a time instead of just one. Andy has said since that at some point he realized he and John Oliver had good enough chemistry to carry an entire episode, but he couldn't manage that with anyone else. However, he could do it if there were three people, so the guests could interact with each other too, and the three different types of interactions could get them through the 40-45 minutes more easily. They also started doing Bugle live shows, which went well, got toured in England and even in America.

Since then, The Bugle has grown into a thing that is new and very different from its original form, but also very good. As of May 2024 they've just hit episode 4304, having recently passed the 295 episodes that Andy did with John Oliver. Its format has changed. People still turn up with pre-written stuff, but it's not the same perfectly choreographed/somehow improvised dance of tightly written material that it used to be. It's got a wider range of guests, more diverse topics, fewer insular in-jokes. Some other format changes too, like dropping the listener correspondence. But a lot of the guest co-hosts breathe new life into it, bring different perspectives and styles of humour, contribute more than the original version with only two people ever could. It's introduced me to lots of great comedians from various countries (well, mainly Britain and America and Australia, but a couple from India, a couple from Ireland, one I really like from NZ), I've gotten into a lot of people's stand-up because I liked them on The Bugle. They've also created spinoff podcasts, like The Gargle, hosted by Alice Fraser.

The Bugle 4000 has brought in a bunch of comedians from the younger generation, but also let Andy bring in some old friends. David O'Doherty and Josie Long of the Chocolate Milk Gang have done it a few times, they make top quality episodes. Mark Steel's been on a bunch of times, who used to do the earliest days of Political Animal and of course is a king of Radio 4 along with Andy. Mark and Andy are great together, you can hear how much they enjoy each other's company, to the point where part of me dreads the day when Andy decides to be nice to his buddy Mark and let Mark bring his son to work. I don't think they'd do that though, The Bugle has standards. No Elliot Steel, please.

A big highlight of Andy bringing back old friends is Chris Addison, who worked on The Department back in 2004-06. Addison stopped doing stand-up years ago as he got a bigger career in acting and directing and things like that, and he's said he loves doing The Bugle because it gives him a chance to write comedy material the way he doesn't anymore. And because it's the only time he does that, he's not throwing his scraps at a topical podcast while spreading ideas across multiple platforms. He's coming up with solid gold, and letting The Bugle have all of it. Every time he comes on, he does his homework so well beforehand that the other comedians, including Andy, have to raise their game to keep up.

As for Zaltzman himself, he had some shaky times for his comedy material in those early reboot days. He started seeming burned out from writing so much without getting anywhere, and was re-using a lot of concepts for a while. It wasn't bad, but he did stop innovating for a while after John Oliver disappeared. The absurd scenarios in his monologues got a bit by-the-numbers.

However, as The Bugle found its feet in the new era, Andy broke through that and started writing better than ever before. He, as they say in sports and video games, jumped levels. Suddenly came out of a plateau and immediately jumped to a much higher spot than one would expect, like the slow and steady escalation of talent suddenly caught up to him all at once. Like magic. That is one of my favourite things about sports, when an athlete suddenly jumps levels, like magic. Andy jumped levels a couple of times in the late 2010s, and it was so cool to listen to. A big part of it was the way he'd tie together lots of ideas at once instead of hitting them one at a time, the way he'd make connections that turned his monologues into more than the sum of their parts.

He really, really hit a stride in 2019, as the world went to shit around him, and he started incorporating a bit more genuine emotion than he ever had before. So many emotions, all of them various flavours of searing fury at the state of the government. At first the bits of emotion were added unexpectedly, like he was experimenting with it, but then he learned how to blend it seamlessly into his previous knack for absurd ironic bullshit, it was amazing and I think he was growing into one of the best comic writers there is.

I sort of have a theory about that, which unfortunately gets me into a sports analogy so I hope I can be indulged in that briefly. As a coach, I am very familiar with the phenomenon where two athletes work with almost no one but each other for years. In some ways it makes them much better than they could be otherwise, because they're constantly being challenged by someone who knows their style inside and out, so they have to constantly evolve in order to stay ahead of the other person figuring out how to counter what they do, pushing each other to higher levels of the sport. But in other ways, they often end up with big holes in their game, because they never learn to respond to anything their main training partner doesn't do.

I think that may have slightly happened with Zaltzman and Oliver. And more to Zaltzman than to Oliver, because John was doing all kinds of other things, writing for The Daily Show with lots of people who weren't Andy Zaltzman. While the main thing Andy did was write for The Bugle. Even in his solo stand-up career, most of his shows were the best bits of what he came up with for The Bugle, so they were still written first for the purpose of bouncing off John Oliver.

So much of the beauty in the original Bugle was the way John and Andy found each other so funny, they were writing to make each other laugh. But this meant Andy Zaltzman was restricted to material that would fit his established role in a double act. The role of being the intellectual one who comes at things sideways while John tackles them head-on. That role did not leave him space to experiment with things like genuine emotion, even in spots where that could make a routine stronger. I can think of a few Zaltzman routines from 2019 that wouldn't have worked on the original Bugle, not because they wouldn't make John Oliver laugh, but because they wouldn't really have complemented John's stuff in the right way. The original Bugle had a perfect balance of comedic styles, which was what made it great, but you can't go throwing curve balls at a balance.

So my theory is that, once Andy got away from being restricted to the perfectly chosen double act role, and he then got over his slump from when he was upset about losing the double act/possibly worried he couldn't do it on his own, he had a couple of levels that were ready to be jumped. The Bugle released a bunch of the recording from Andy Zaltzman's year-in-review stand-up show from the end of 2019, and it's incredible. The "best of" from an absolutely stellar Bugle year, taking the strongest bits from all those weeks he'd spent writing, and tying them around some structure. It's one of the best fucking things I've ever heard. Andy Zaltzman does everything at once in it.

In 2019, Miles Jupp left The News Quiz, a major topical comedy panel show on Radio 4 (I'm pretty sure it's the major comedy show on Radio 4). Angela Barnes, Nish Kumar, and Andy Zaltzman - three of The News Quiz's most frequent guests at the time - each spent some time guest hosting it, as they applied for the role of permanent host. Andy got the job. He mentioned this on The Bugle during the week before his first episodes of The News Quiz as permanent host, and did it with his usual flair for self-promotion, which is almost none, he just said it's happening. Fortunately Nish Kumar was on that Bugle episode with him, and Nish insisted on interrupting Andy to tell the listeners what a big deal The News Quiz is, that Andy won't brag about it but he got a huge job on a flagship show after years and years of smaller spots on radio shows and earning his place there, and it's really cool. It was adorable to hear Nish hyping up Andy for getting a job for which (Nish didn't mention this part) Nish Kumar had also applied.

In October 2022, John Oliver came back for a special Bugle 15th birthday episode, just him and Andy for half an hour, and it made me have to pull my hat down on the bus so people couldn't see that I had tears in my eyes from laughter (honestly, I should have anticipated that and not listened to it on the bus). It had been years since they'd worked together, and they mentioned during that episode that they hadn't seen each other in years and hadn't even had much contact since the end of The Bugle, but somehow they fell right back into the perfect rhythm. It's nice to know the magic's still there, even if they're not using it anymore.

So that pretty much brings you up to speed with where Andy Zaltzman's at now. For the last few years, his career has been hosting The Bugle in its expanded form that includes live shows sometimes, hosting The News Quiz, collating cricket stats and still doing lots of cricket-related work. He hasn't done a new Edinburgh hour since 2019, but he toured Satirist For Hire in 2022. He definitely can't describe his career with the term "Jack K. Shit going on" anymore.

Quick question, just asking for a friend - how many thousand words do you have to write before something goes from being "quite long for a Tumblr post" to "quite short for a biographical book"?

In fall 2023, Andy Zaltzman mentioned that he "might" have some new stand-up to announce soon. That surprised me, because to be honest, between The News Quiz and The Bugle and the cricket, he's fucking busy these days, and he must be making enough money to not need stand-up. He turns 50 this October. He's been slowing down the stand-up over the last few years, after about twenty years of doing it constantly. I thought he might be winding down that side of his career.

But suddenly, he's mentioning possible new stand-up in 2024. He mentioned it briefly in the fall and then didn't bring it up for so long that I started to think he must have changed his mind about it. But then, in spring 2024, he suddenly started talking about live gigs again. He booked some WIPs in May and June and plugged them on The Bugle. He slowly, with his usual level of self-promotional skills, barely admitted to the fact that he has a whole stand-up tour planned for November 2024. "November 2024?" I thought. "That seems odd. Andy rarely plans so far ahead, he's usually scrambling to plug gigs he forgot he has next week. And now, when I'd thought he might be leaving stand-up behind, he's planning an entire tour many months in advance. Why did he suddenly decide to do a whole big stand-up tour again, and once he did decide that, why did he plan it for so late in the year? I mean, I'm not complaining. More Zaltzman stand-up is great! But it's a break from his usual pattern."

That is what I thought, to myself, as I listened to his updates on The Bugle. And then I sat in the break room at work and I refreshed a page and saw the Taskmaster season 18 lineup and I jumped into the air and all became clear. He's capitalizing. Andy "No Commercial Promotion Skills Whatsoever" Zaltzman is going to capitalize on his fall 2024 Taskmaster bump in popularity by following it up with a tour. I'm so fucking pleased for him.

Guys. It's going to be so good. He's so good, you're all going to love him, I promise. Do you know what it will do to Taskmaster to have someone who can run circles around Alex Horne in the field of analyzing everything via obscure statistics? He's going to make Alex look like an amateur. He's going to have an explanation for every single thing that happens and none of the explanations will be rooted in any kind of reality but they will all make internal sense.

Oh God, people are going to have to talk about him. It is so funny to listen to people try to work out what to make of Andy Zaltzman, particularly if they're not in Andy's carefully curated niche of people whom he's decided he can manage to talk to. Ed Gamble is going to talk about Andy Zaltzman. 17 years after sharing a stage with Andy at Late 'n' Live where Andy declared Marek Larwood the most fuckable member of We Are Klang (he was incorrect, but not for the reasons Tumblr thinks, I would like to immediately apologize for saying that), Greg Davies will have to judge whatever absurd bullshit comes out of Andy's brain. There will be so many cricket references.

Have I mentioned that a cornerstone of Andy Zaltzman's comedy is turning everything into a sport? That's part of his absurd analogies, he analyzes everything as though it's sports. And I love people who analyze Taskmaster as though it's sports. Andy Zaltzman is going to go on Taskmaster and treat it like sports. Oh it's going to be so much fun!

I cannot wait. I cannot fucking wait. I've just realized he's going to have to plug Taskmaster on The Bugle. That'll be weird. Who's on TV now, Johnny Showbiz? I mean, still John, still very much John Oliver, but Andy as well now! You did it, Andy! It only took 17 years!

[touchtranscendslanguage]

Okay, so... (sorry if this gets long again 🙈)

My favorite OC is called Lilith. She's the titular daughter in my Remus and His Daughter series. Basically she is a little/younger girl that Remus has a kind of paternal bond with in a few of my AUs (mostly just in my head, I've only actually integrated her in one other story.) She is in canon compliant AUs a creation of Remus' in the Imagination, in other AUs though, she usually is some sort of outcast like Remus and they find comfort in each other.

For this AU, I see her as an Unseelie that is not really unseelie-like and therefore literally cast out. I don't know how exactly the territories of the Seelie and Unseelie connect, I'm guessing they're in the same realm and there is a sort of border or no man's land between them.

This next part takes place before Virgil enters the picture and before Janus' capture. Remus is fighting the Unseelie, for whatever reason, at the border/ in the no man's land and gets injured (not seriously but he needs to retreat for a moment.) He ends up concealing himself in like bushes or something while his knights continue the fight and he ends up passing or zoning out, only to wake up to a young Unseelie sneaking up to him with food or herbs for his wounds. He grabs her, assuming that she's an enemy and she just... gives him her name. Like immediately, not hesitation.

Remus is stunned, asking her why she would do that, if she doesn't understand what she's just done since she looks like she's only around 12 in human years. She says she knows fully well what it means, she is a lot older than she looks though she stopped growing past being a young teenager. She lives here on the outskirts of the Unseelie territory alone, has for a long time and saw Remus being injured and just wanted to help. If giving her name was what it would take him to trust her, she didn't mind. If it means her death, she accepts that.

Remus still doesn't really know what to do but the battle is still going on, so he accepts the food/herbs she gave him, which do help him recover and tells her to hide. She does so and Remus goes back into the fray and ends up winning the battle.

Afterwards he does go home and doesn't tell anyone what happened. After a few days of thinking it over, he goes back alone to where he met her and searches for her, ending up using her name to get her attention. They talk about her situation, and she tells him that she was cast out of her family when she was about 80 since she wasn't growing anymore and just wasn't very unseelie in nature. Since then she's been hiding out here at the border, sleeping in a hollow tree and mostly sort of hibernating, her magic keeping her alive mostly.

They bond over their families not really accepting them and while Remus leaves eventually, he comes to visit her occasionally (like every few months if he can but could also be a year or two.)

This could be where it ends, the present being just that, or Remus ends up building a little hide-out for here in his fairy circle, like a little cave under a hollow tree where she lives now but that might be too personal. Remus also might have thought about claiming her but he knows that would only be more trouble for both of them...

I love the name Lillith. Fun fact: that's Moongazer's real name!

I remember that series! I've gone through all of the Dad Remus tag, it's one of my favourites! Yours is a good one, I forgot that was you!

You are correct, the main territories for the seelie and unseelie are in the same realm. They also claim different realms as part of their territories and some of them just belong to the fae in general and are essentially no man's land. Which territories belong to who changes from time to time, based on conflict and negotiations.

As a fae, Lillith would have been born with the instinctive knowledge to keep her name safe, which I think makes her giving it to Remus even more powerful. Kid or not, she knows exactly what she's doing.

Looking twelve when you're eighty is actually pretty standard for the fae.

I could see this. I could also see Remus taking her home and getting help from his family. I can't imagine him leaving a kid out there on their own. He might be able to adopt her himself, but she wouldn't be a princess. He also couldn't claim her because she's not a human or human-hybrid.

Have you considered making her a human-hybrid? It would explain why she's so different from the other unseelie and give them even more of a reason to outcast her. It would also mean Remus could claim her and I think he would.

This is really cool, I like it a lot!

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 I Was Born for This Book Review 🦇

❝ In an otherwise mediocre existence, we choose to feel passion. ❞

❓ #QOTD What band did you love just a little too much growing up?

[ Find my review below or on Insta | Storygraph | Literal ]

❝ Most adults see teenagers as confused kids who don't understand much, while they're the pillars of knowledge and experience and know exactly what is right at all times. I think the truth is that everyone in the entire world is confused and nobody understands much of anything at all. ❞ 🦇 Alice Oseman's I Was Born for This is an exploration of friendship, self-identity, and the effects of fame. "Angel" Rahimi lives and breathes one thing: The Ark, a boy band of growing, world-renowned fame. Joining The Ark's fandom has given Angel her best friend, Juliet, a community, and a place in the world. Too bad her Muslim family can't understand why The Ark takes up so much space in Angel's boundless heart. The band's frontman, Jimmy Kaga-Ricci, knows The Ark owes their fans everything, but sometimes...they're a bit much. It doesn't help that their more intense fans are shipping Jimmy and his bandmate, Rowan, or that their constant presence is triggering his anxiety. When Angel visits Juliet in London to meet the band for the first time, reality comes crashing down on all of them. Sometimes, fame isn't all it seems.

💜 It's no surprise that Alice Oseman has artistically explored coming-of-age themes through the universal concept of connecting through music. The Ark and resulting fandom give Angel a family and community; a sense of belonging she lacked in high school. At the same time, her position in the fandom has erased her individualism and identity (her real name is Fereshteh, which translates to Angel). As much as she loves the band, she's not IN love with them though. The Boys--Jimmy, Rowan, and Lister--have lost parts of themselves as well. Fans see the versions of them they want to see, and The Boys, knowing they owe their fans everything, smile and play their parts. They don't see Jimmy's debilitating anxiety, the relationship Rowan is trying to hide from the press, or Lister's depression, alcoholism, or bruised bisexual heart.

🦇 This is a deeply character-driven story; a story that's focused on growing up through friendships and found family, NOT romantic entanglements. As always, Oseman excels at creating diverse, nuanced characters, including: 🎵 Jimmy: trans, biracial Indian and Italian, gay, with severe anxiety 🎵 Angel: Iranian, hijabi, Muslim, queer and questioning 🎵 Rowan: biracial, Nigerian, and very protective of Jimmy 🎵 Lister: bisexual struggling with alcoholism and depression

🦇 One of the most important messages in this story is to love yourself first. The Boys get lost in their fame, which leads them to neglect who they are and what they need, while Angel loses herself (and potentially, her future) in the fandom. As a coming-of-age story, it's also a reminder that it's okay NOT to be okay; that recognizing as much doesn't make you weak, but human. However, I do think the final act is a little messy. Since the story is character-driven, the first half drags, while the second half feels like a tangle of ideas and motivations. I think the story would have been stronger if it focused on the three boys; if they gained Angel's perspective through a fan letter instead. There's so much to Rowan and Lister's story we haven't seen yet.

🦇 Recommended to fans of diverse casts, coming-of-age stories, and all things Alice Oseman.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🎵 Muslim MC / Trans MC 🎶 Dual POV 🎸 Exploring Identity, Friendship, Fame 🎶 Mental Health Rep 🎵 Connection Through Music

🦇 TW: panic attacks, suicidal ideation, alcoholism, assault, suicide attempt

[gaiakoraidon]

I jumped on the bandwagon on making an OC for Goonya Monster, a video game that has turned into my newest fixation. Here's Manta, a half-monster working under Orca for the Orcinus Organization as a "co-leader" of some sorts since the two ladies go way back. Her first appearance would be Episode 3.

Born a half monster with one of her parents actually being a Monster, Manta never had any friends growing up because of this. She was also the only child since she never had any siblings. That wasn't until she met Orca one day while visiting the forest, the two becoming immediate besties after bonding over nature. They almost did everything together when they were kids, Manta always visiting the forest to see her first friend.

But when the deforestation happened, everything changed. Manta was separated from Orca and the two never saw each other again until years later, after when Orca had that fateful encounter with Dr. Virus(explained in Episode 5 of the game)and was made the leader of the Monster organization Orcinus. She explained her case to her old friend after a tearful reunion, and asked Manta to be her "co-leader". Manta gladly accepted the role, and worked under her friend's wing as "co-leader" of Orcinus ever since. Sometimes she tends to think about her parents every once in awhile, hoping that they're alright ever since she left home to be the "co-leader" of Orcinus.

Her Monster form is the Nega-Gargoyle and her first transformation was around 13 years of age.

Screenshot taken from my Switch by the way.

Even when she was separated from Orca, Manta still had her fair share love of nature like her old friend, so she was determined to protect nature after the deforestation and before her and Orca were reunited. That burning desire, as well as that rage, caused her to first change into her Monster form. It took some time, but by the time she and Orca were together again, Manta could fully take ahold of her Monster form. She can even switch between being both a human and Monster freely. During Episode 5, Manta also takes the time to bond with the main cast as well as help comfort Pirarucu whenever she felt down about her stepbrother Clione.

Manta belongs to me(GaiaKoraidon)

[pinayelf]

Immy for the Dragon Age OC questions thing:

Essentials: 2 and 3! Life: 2, 4, 6, and 12! Party: 6 and 7! And Codex: 4!

Thank you sm ❤️

Essentials

2. What class do they belong to? How did they initially train and learn their skills?

Immy is a mage! Since she was being trained for to be the Keeper, Immy didn't know much offensive and combat magic. She knew spells to defend herself, but was not combative in the beginning. She learns more combat magic from Vivienne and Dorian, and from Commander Helaine when Immy became a Knight-Enchanter.

3. What race do they belong to? What are their opinions on the other races of Thedas?

Immy is a Dalish elf!

- Immy is always the most cautious around humans at first (because you know lol), it's why sometimes Cullen (her fave shemlen) will be with her if she feels unsafe around a human initially. She will fully trust a human once she gets to truly know them (the Rutherfords, her friends from the Inquisition). The first humans Immy fully trusted were the fog warriors because they kept her clan safe from Tevinter slavers.

- Sort of off-lore, but Immy is most familiar with Qunari. Her clan is from Seheron so she has met and befriended Qunari there before her clan left. Bull became one of her friends easily (despite him being wary of the magic thing) because they bonded over Seheron. Immy also helped Bull be less afraid of magic because ~Friendship is Magic (lol)

- Immy didn't know much about dwarves until she met Varric and other dwarves in the Inquisition. Her clan came across some surface dwarves and traded with them, but Immy didn't really feel one way or another - she found it interesting to learn about Dwarven castes.

Life

2. What social class were they born into? How did it affect their upbringing?

There were really no social classes in Immy's clan, nor does it really apply to Dalish Elves, but it can be said she grew up somewhere that valued community. Her clan was pretty much "the village" in "it takes a village". While she didn't get along with everyone, Immy's way of living is more community-minded, so being Inquisitor to her felt weird because there were things that were only for a certain group of people.

4. Describe their family. Who were they close to? Were there any particular childhood friends?

Immy is from a family of four, her mom Adrila, dad Thrilan, and older brother Iefyr. She's the closest to her dad as they're both mages and he nurtured Immy's softness and her love for alchemy. They're also both very squishy people lol - she looks more like him. Immy's childhood friends are another Danae, another mage and Liranael, a hunter. Immy and Liranael ended up being together for bit but she broke it off with Immy after some time, which left Immy incredibly broken-hearted and sadly ended their friendship.

6. Which aspects of the culture they were born into holds the most significance for them?

Community! Immy is used to always having that strong community in her clan. It's why it was so incredibly depressing for her when she first got to Haven, she felt isolated and it seemed like people were more individualistic when it came to things. Immy was used to being someplace where people would come cook and bring meals to someone who was sick, or where people got together to make sure kids were watched.

12. How efficient are they with things like crafting potions or repairing their own armor?

Immy is an expert at potions, she even sort of had a friendly rivalry with Adan about it. Repairing armor was new to Immy, and didn't know much about it. Cassandra (and Cullen ❤️) helped her learn quick fix-its but she'd rather bring it to Dagna or Harritt if it was something too big to fix by herself.

Party

6. Do they have a love interest? How did their relationship start?

Cullen ❤️❤️❤️ (lol). It was a bit of a slow-burn, Immy definitely did not trust Cullen at first. They ended up meeting a lot at the gardens and ramparts at Skyhold because Immy has bouts of insomnia and Cullen was struggling with nightmares. They began talking and they just clicked...and became very good friends (and Immy was like "oh he's cute 😳). Cullen then joins Immy during a month-long mission at the Western Approach and that's how they realized they were in love. During the mission to the Shrine of Dumat, Cullen saves Immy from a Red Templar Shadow and gets badly injured. Immy helps ease the pain later by performing a healing spell later and they confess their feelings and kiss.

7. How did their relationship progress? If they’re a canon romance option, is their story different from the way the game presents it?

The love confession is much different than in the game, like I answered above, their relationship begins as a friendship first and the love confession finally happens when Immy helps heal Cullen. They don't end up together until they're sure they love each other.

Codex

4. How do they feel about the Fade, spirits, and demons?

Immy did study a bit about the Fade during Keeper training, and while she doesn't mind spirits too much, she is incredibly cautious and nervous around demons. While Immy has decent control over her magic, she's someone who feels deeply and strongly - she can get emotional and she knows that's something demons can feed on. So she treads lightly with it.

--

OC Questions

This got v long lmao. Ty for sending questions, I always love to yap abt my fave girl, and I think I answered some lore about Immy I haven't posted about yet ❤️

[treehouse-void]

Gia's Karen encounter- a Reddit Karen story post parody

This is a parody. No Karens were involved outside of Reddit stories I heard and read and please note that I've never encountered any myself so this is all based off the stories. Once again, all OCs belong to Wraith and Pokemon belongs to Nintendo. Please check out Wraith's stuff on Wattpad as they're no longer on tumblr.

So a bit of background. My name is Gia (19F), and I'm an Eevee. However, I wasn't raised like the others. Yes, I was born from an egg like all the others, but because of how I came out I was given more powers than the average Eevee. One of these plays a key part in the story is that I'm able to produce serotonin and use it to calm others down. However, when under stress, it's harder to control.

The cast: me, C- the child, Karen- the C's mom, and BE- the brave Eevee who stood up for me. Now onto the story.

The day started out like any other, and I was just strolling through the town market and seeing what was being offered and asking Dad later to get stuff if it stuck out. That's when I heard it.

C: "Look Mommy! It's the calming Eevee!"

Karen: *looking up from her Rotom phone and sees where their pointing* "Oh. She's here?" She then calls for me to come over.

It wan't uncommon for trainers to call me that, same with the serotonin Eevee (although I've heard they the ones who call me that are trying to act smarter than they actually are by pointing out what's used in the calming aura I give off), so I go over and expect a selfie or something similar.

Me, walking over: "Did someone call for me?"

I walk over and see a kid who doesn't even look like they're past Kindergarten, maybe even First Grade at the latest, and a lady, who I'm assuming is his mom, that looks like her morning routine is checking off all the boxes to make sure everyone knows she's a Karen.

Karen: "Yes, we did. My child, EC's name, has been wanting to meet you for awhile now."

Me: "Oh, you guys saw the news article didn't you?"

Karen, almost waving it off like anyone could do it: "Yes the one about the Gengar. We know."

Me, confused about what they want: "So are you wanting a selfie with me or are you wanting something else?"

Karen: "Actually, my child has a question for you." She then gives them the go ahead to ask, which I could've never prepared for even if my parents weren't busy and I had control over my powers.

C: "Will you please be my starter Pokemon?"

Everything stopped as everyone turned to look at us. It was sort of well known that I didn't have a trainer, despite my attack power. Karen snapped me out of it, literally, and told me to answer her child's question.

Me: "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to say no. But hopefully one day you will have one."

Karen, somehow shocked: "What?! How dare you turn down my child's request? Don't you know who I am?"

Me: "No, and to be honest, if your child is anything like you, I don't want them as a trainer. Also, if you truly did your research, then you'd know that I've never accepted any request to be anyone's Pokemon, which should've showed you how little of a chance demanding me to be your child's Pokemon compare to if you just left it be after my answer to his question. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way."

I push past her and tried to put the whole thing behind me when I heard a bonk and being shoved. I look behind me to see another Eevee, BE to be exact, be sucked into the Pokeball. Her child was upset, but still glad to get an Eevee and named it Elan (pronouncing it Elle-Ahn). Karen, however, didn't take it as nicely and tried to attack me. Luckily, security was able to remove her from the market and I was able to keep in contact with BE. Part of me honestly thinks that whole thing was planned out by Karen and her child just went with it because they didn't know better.

TLDR: Karen and her child try to make C my new trainer, use a Pokeball as a last resort and end up capturing a different Eevee who I become friends with.

Thanks for reading everyone. I hope you guys enjoyed this as Elan will be playing a bigger role in stories to come. There will be some others coming out for other characters so stay tuned for that.

[thekimspoblog]

Iris Wexler-McGill (Born Dec. 2017) They/Them

The night dad didn't come home. They never forgave their mother for it.

They steal. EVERYTHING!

Poetic sensibility. Their sister warns them that their recklessness is going to backfire, but they went and shook-down the old HHM building anyway. The way they see it; that building always belonged to them.

FIGHT! Quick thinking and deception is the first course of action, but Iris will always stand their ground over fleeing. Thinking globally means realizing you cannot outrun tyranny.

That's a tricky question, because they would do anything for the cause, but it isn't really THEIR cause. They were born into a second civil war; defending feminism and LGBTQ rights with tooth-and-claw is all they've ever really known.

Iris isn't willing to kill, not by acting on purpose and directly at least. And there are many times where murder would have been the easiest option.

A lot of things, up to and including their gender. But the biggest thing is obviously that they were originally supposed to be born in June of 2004.

Absolutely. Call it a hereditary trait. But mostly just... see aforementioned Second American Civil war. As I've mentioned in other posts, this kid's gonna grow up post-apocalypse. If it wasn't for the time capsule Iris dug up, there would be little evidence this country ever even HAD law and order.

"Do the Evolution" by Pearl Jam

The sequel to BCS I want to write focuses more on how the Breaking Bad universe occasionally teases magical or supernatural elements. And yeah if I get bored it's going to stop being subtle and its' just going to turn into an urban fantasy AU. I'm waiting for "WYCARO" to air.

Iris can use guns for self-defense and intimidation tactics. But their most prized possession is the pinky ring they inherited.

Iris isn't LITTERALLY a reincarnation of Howard Hamlin, but there is a sort of symmetry to their character arcs. Iris spends their whole life into young adulthood fighting the same war/revolution their parents did, under great pressure to uphold some family legacy that promises to retroactively make all the bloodshed justified. But after a full television season of their sister begging them to reevaluate The Cause, Iris finally does decide to lay down their proverbial sword. The cause might have been righteous, but Iris isn't a messiah; they're just another stray dog roaming the wasteland. Kim and Jimmy took up this cause to give everyone's children a better future; neither of them would have wanted their kids to die for this crap.

I'm trying my best not to write Iris as a self-insert. This character (and other similar baby OCs from other fanfics) is significant to me because my mom is the person who got me into this show in the first place. A few years ago, my mom and I were fighting really badly and (to paraphrase) my mom said something to me: "If your 20-something kid is standing in front of you yelling 'you screwed me up!' it means you did at least TWO THINGS right; you kept them alive and you gave them the emotional freedom to be critical of you". MOM is a very crushing label to put on someone, and you're bound to be criticized for falling short sooner or later. But just remember motherhood is a primordial force of nature, not something you can actually succeed or fail at, no matter what the justice system says. And you can't be paralyzed by fear of failure from living your life indefinitely. That's what I think is the heart of any fanfic exploring a surprise pregnancy and Kim's mom baggage. So to answer your question, it's not about any specific overlap I have with this character (or Kim), but the intergenerational dynamic of mother/daughter is somewhat autobiographical.

Tough. Unflappable. Rebellious. Just. Always the one with the witty comeback and the plan to save the day.

Originally it was going to be Hadley Delany, but I guess representational casting would necessitate finding someone who's actually nonbinary.

High. Iris is a hardened soldier. Basically Se6 of Better Call Saul didn't turn out how I expected, but we DID get a post-apocalyptic miracle baby in the form of Frankie Nichols from Westworld. Iris and Frankie are basically the same character.

See #1 again. A lot of childhood was spent with the au pair, and their parents disappearing for weeks on end. It was always scary, the possibility they wouldn't come home that time. And then one night... it finally happened. RIP Jimmy.

It's more like if the Joker had a coherent and ethical reason for their actions? Iris is warm and bright and funny. Because "Mother's sharp ruthlessness + Dad's cavalier attitude = a dangerous winning combination" is the persona they've lived all their lives. But don't mistake that for intimacy; it's all an act. Their sister is the only one Iris actually talks to.

"One must imagine Sisyphus laughing" - Albert Camut. A lot of scarring things happen in Iris's life, but they're able to take most of it in stride. Because they are so certain of their own convictions, it's like they can see 100 years into the future, when so many small horrors will be forgotten. So it's not really about rage; raging against the machine is what they do on a good day. It's when Iris's faith in THE PLAN is shaken, that you would actually be able to provoke them.

Jealous? No. Passing-off-an-act-of-selfishness-as-being-for-the-greater-good-because-they're-a-spoiled-brat? Yes. Iris does believe the world and the future belongs to them.

Healthy as a clam. Can ward off the evil-eye. Closest thing to a disease, the unnatural circumstances of their birth lead Kim to always find her daughter a little creepy. They're a changeling.

Lawful-good in a chaotic-neutral world.

Doubt.

Jimmy and Kim had ample choices to pick alternate timelines for their daughter. But Iris was always going to be generally the same person in generally the same circumstances.

This is my Half-Life 3 bro. Hollywood can never stop milking a cash cow, and if we get any more content set in the Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul universe, I hope we get more stories about the crotch-dumplings' abilities to survive. If not Iris, the demand to know what Kaylee, Flynn and Holly did next seems pretty vocal.

Edgy/misc OC ask meme ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Send me a number and an OC, and I'll answer.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

When scared, does your OC fight, flee, freeze or fawn?

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways?

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Is your OC more cold and detached or up close and personal?

How does your OC behave when enraged?

Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

What character alignment would you consider your OC to be?

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 40 - Time - 3 March 2023, 11:24pm

I boot up a Walkman, and play a few songs through it.

It belonged (and still belongs) to my dad, though he doesn't use it anymore.

It plays music through a pair of earpieces, made eleven years after it was.

It still thinks that we're in 2007.

I was four, then. Three years away from going to school. Three years from feeling those unexplainable feelings. Feelings that still plague me to this day.

Sixteen years have passed, and yet the clock points to 2007. I flip over to the date and time set page. It begins at 2007, and ends at 2037.

31 December 2037, 11:59pm, to be exact.

There will come a time when I'll no longer live in a year that this device recognizes, if I make it till then.

I don't know how to feel about it. Some of the more... practical people (such as my ex-partner), would probably tell me, in a brusque manner, albeit saccharinely so, as if to sugarcoat their words (to avoid bruising my weak heart), that the time was off, or that I was overthinking things, or wishing for a time that has long since passed.

Maybe I am doing that. I find myself sitting by the little things. Trinkets, if you will, of my journey on this mortal coil. I wonder what could have been.

I always was a sentimental person.

I still am one.

But I am, because I remember. I must not forget. What value will memories have once they evaporate into the ether?

...

Dad owned a pair of speakers. They crumbled after an accident that involved his fish tank happened - water spilled onto the floor, and got into the speakers, causing them to crumble (they were made of woodchip). They're gone now.

He used to keep fish (guppies, apparently), in a fish tank which used to be where my piano (a Yamaha U1) is. I'd always go up to the fish tank and tap on the glass, and gawk at the fishes swimming about in there.

The sound of the rushing water accompanied me then.

Now, it's deathly quiet, save for the sounds of raised voices, birds, and lost time.

Dad always was an amazing cook, though I never told him.

When his hair was still black, he'd cook for us occasionally, and I remember how he'd cook steak for us, in this solid, cast-iron pan that I still find unbearably heavy. How he manipulated that pan with ease is beyond me.

He doesn't use that pan anymore. His hairs have grown white.

I sit here, typing.

Twenty years on, and still around.

I remember how I wanted to be a scientist. Or a computer programmer, as a kid.

Oh, the irony. Oh... the irony.

It must have been tough, navigating school, life, and those unexplained feelings that came up, all the while being a good sibling to my 'younger' twin brother (I see him as someone to guide, even though I could have been the younger one; I only came out first because my water broke, and my cord was wrapped around my neck, or something. I don't know; parents didn't say much other than that my water broke first).

What I'd give to have those years back again - to go back to a simpler time, when I'd not have to worry about relationships, or dysphoria (if you can even call it that). But no.

Time marches forward, no matter what we do.

I wonder what, or who I'll be in five years.

Will I be a guy? A girl? A person?

Where will I be?

Will I even be around?

I hope future me is looking at this point, recalling it from her memory.

I hope she finds happiness, finally doing the things that she always wanted to, but was never able to due to how she was born.

Yet, I wonder if it will come to pass; what I said about my desire to be a computer scientist never did. What's to say that this will?

What's to say I will be happy?

It's another long day.

It'll be another long one tomorrow.

But I will survive.

[aimportantdragoncollector]

For the ask game, "If You Meet Your Father, Kill Your Father." I'd like backstory on Hisashi and Yoichi, please.

I'd already talked about this topic with Gentrychild, so you're about to get an essay:

Demons can't change the type of magic they get born with. If you are born with a sin that doesn't suit your nature, then you'll always be a weak demon. Hisashi was a prodigy because he was born into the House of Greed, and he had extreme greed in his heart. Yoichi was nearly magicless because he simply wasn't greedy.

Yoichi's parents would try to steal his belongings to make him more greedy, but it didn't work. Parents: We're here to take away your beloved teddy bear! Muhahahaha! Six-year-old Yoichi: I already gave away Mr. Bear yesterday. I met a bird outside creating a nest, so I took out Mr. Bear's stuffing to give it to the bird. The bird clearly needed it more than me. Mr. Bear had gemstones for eyes and on his bow, so I gave those away to the gardener. Parents: You may be the single greatest failure the House of Greed has ever produced.

When the parents realized that Hisashi felt the most possessive over Yoichi, they would screw around with their oldest son by threatening Yoichi and keeping him away. By that point the parents had realized they would get no use out of Yoichi except using him to provoke Hisashi's greed. Of course this made Hisashi's overprotectiveness and abandonment issues even worse.

Demons in other houses did same thing. For example, gluttony demons would starve their children and sloth demons would destroy anything their children worked hard on.

The old demons did not love or value their children, so in the past they tried to control their children's emotions to make them stronger. They started experimenting with mind control and warping their children's personalities to be consumed with their sin. This worked on demons like Trigger in canon. The entire royal house of Gluttony got wiped out by a rampaging child. (A branch family took over, and Gluttony's power has never been the same since then.) The brothers' parents had been planning to experiment on Yoichi just as soon as they could send Hisashi far enough away, but they gave up on that notion and so lived a bit longer.

After that, mind control magic became strictly forbidden among demons. Demons' magic is very closely linked to their emotions, so there is no safe way to tamper with a demon's mind. Only the evil and stupid will try it. Hisashi is only one of those things. Thus Hisashi never tried to use mind-control on Izuku.

The old demons would control their children by casting spells on them that would cause them extreme pain if they ever rebelled or disobeyed. The new demons favor less violent methods. Some of them will cast spells on their children that freeze them in place, like a magical time-out. The new demons believe that this does not count as abuse because they're not hurting their kids (like their own parents used to hurt them.) There are also subtler commands to stop someone from doing specific things or speaking specific words. New demons can force their kids to say they love them.

The spell that Hisashi used on Yoichi in "The Sin of Greed" to puppeteer his body does not yet exist in "If You Meet Your Father Kill Your Father." Hisashi developed the research to turn living beings into puppets in between the fics. Despite his research, Hisashi was very reluctant to use that sort of control on Izuku because it goes against his self-image as a good father. Hisashi's parents were scared of him and used a lot of controls on him. He vowed to never do the same. By "The Sin of Greed," Hisashi had abandoned his compunctions against using control spells on relatives. This is because between those two fics, Izuku won a lot of battles and gave his father repeated stab wounds. Hisashi discovered that he liked his kid less mobile.

Hisashi's parents experimented on him, injecting him with extra greed. They (lying) promised not to experiment on Yoichi if he lived. He was the only one to ever survive the process. It was the worst pain of his life. It also left him exceptionally powerful.

Later, when the parents wanted to experiment on Yoichi, they went to him and said “We asked Hisashi to pick who we would experiment on and he said to experiment on you. There’s no point in going to him for help because this was his idea.” The parents showed Yoichi evidence that Hisashi had planned and designed the experiment. (Actually Hisashi planned the experiment on himself to increase his own odds of survival.) Yoichi slowly came to believe it because Hisashi was capable of force-feeding Yoichi souls so it didn’t seem entirely implausible that Hisashi would try an experiment to make Yoichi stronger. Also, Yoichi had always deep down feared his brother would abandon him for being a weak burden. It was easy for Yoichi to believe what he feared was true. He tried to tell himself that his older brother would never force him into the experiment unless confident he would survive, so he agreed. Then later, after the Gluttony massacre canceled the experiment, Yoichi told himself that big brother hadn’t realized the experiment would be so dangerous. It bothered Yoichi that Hisashi never even apologized. But Yoichi decided to forgive Hisashi anyway, in exchange for all his care and protection in the past. Except maybe part of Yoichi was just forgiving his big brother because he needed Hisashi to survive. And so, a resentment festered in Yoichi’s heart. The misunderstanding drove a wedge between the brothers that was never settled in their lifetimes. Up until Yoichi’s death, he always believed that his older brother picked himself over Yoichi’s life. He never knew the truth about what Hisashi went through trying to save him.

Ironically, the good ending for the brothers is the AU where the parents did force Yoichi into the experiment. Then Yoichi turned into a person of mass destruction and slaughtered his parents and all his entire hive of scheming murderous extended relations. Hisashi arrived in time to save Yoichi’s life by absorbing the greed from him. (Hisashi was the only person who could have safely done that.) The misunderstanding was settled and the two brothers came out closer than ever. But that’s not why this is a good ending. The good ending happens because if Hisashi’s parents die while he’s still a young teen, and Hisashi no longer has to constantly fight for survival, then he has a chance at growing up into less of an evil magnificent bastard and more of a morally ambiguous mastermind who doesn’t care about much except his brother but is willing to help demonic society improve for Yoichi’s sake. Then due to the butterfly effect, Hisashi never kills Nana. He’s able to have a good coparenting relationship with Inko, and Yoichi is there too and helps him become a better dad. Izuku gets to grow up in a fluffy happy AU.

[fosermi]

Lux Noctis: Nightlight

God! Finally!! Last one of the kids!!

Full disclaimer going forth from here, I took all the good stuff of the GoC lore and threw the rest away or completely made it up myself. In all technicality, the Lux Noctis are my OCs even though they're supposed to fill in the position of canon characters. That being said, ROTG and GoC do not belong to me as all of you should already know! All rights are with Dreamworks and William Joyce.

Thank you @josiedoe for once again being the idea bouncer of everything here AND for inspiring and designing such a cool NL design! :D

A little bit of spoilers up ahead if you've yet to read the books!

So guys! Here's the last of the kids! Didn't really bother drawing his weapon seeing as everyone knows he already has a diamond tipped spear/dagger. That and I was too lazy to fight the program I use ahsjdjdj

Everyone knows the story of Nightlight I'm sure, but just I case you don't, here's a quick recap; Nightlight is the 8th and last Lux Noctis, body guard of Tsar Lunar XII otherwise known as the Man in the Moon (MiM for short). Nightlight was the one who fought and sealed Pitch away on Earth during the final battle of the Golden Age. He is also the very first to have ever taken the Guardian's oath (albeit a bit different and specifically to be MiM's Guardian) and is considered the first Guardian. Nightlight also ends up becoming Jack Frost later on but we're not focusing on that. Nope. Not at all.

So, let's get to why we're really here; more lore. Nightlight is cool and all, but we barely know anything about his past. So, I'm here to offer you a whole entire past created from random thoughts and idea bouncing!

Nightlight was created a while before MiM was even born due to health complications from Tsarina's side. But that didn't mean he was cast aside! Throughout that waiting time, Nightlight was given private training with Kozmotis but he was also treated as more of a family member than simply a bodyguard for the future prince- so much so that everyone started referring to him as the "Lunanoff Star Prince"

Tsar and Tsarina took care of him as their own and this gave Nightlight the needed care to develop himself more than the rest of the Lux Noctis. This also meant that unlike his siblings, Nightlight's core remained undamaged for a very long time.

Again, I could go on for days with the ideas and HCs I have for this boi, but I won't bore you much here! This is, after all, just a quick overview of the character's backstory.

My inbox is open for anyone curious enough to ask! :D till next time!

Voidlight -> Sunburst -> Starshine -> Starlight -> Starbeam -> Moonlight -> Moonshine -> Nightlight

Master Post