#The fact is that if I'm not feeling emotionally engaged by another person I don't tend to make the loving effort for them the same way

[siena-sevenwits]

.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for refusing to do anything to help my roommate's baby?

More of a "was I an asshole" rather than "am I an asshole?"

I (21F) am a college student living in an apartment with two roommates, Anna (22F) and Mica (23NB). I've lived with Anna for two years now and Mica for one, and we've all always gotten along great with no major issues apart from the fact that Anna's boyfriend of several years is emotionally manipulative and incredibly insecure and jealous, but that's an issue for another time, except that I don't like him and make no secret of it. I also don't like children, never want children, and crying babies is one of the biggest overload/meltdown triggers I have because it stresses me out and also triggers some violent intrusive thoughts (I have autism and OCD, which both of my roommates know about, but never cause any significant issues and I don't act on those thoughts.) That is to say, I should not and do not want to be around children.

Anna and I live far enough apart over the summer that we only see each other during the school year, and this year I'm a junior and she's a senior. I showed up at the beginning of this school year and lo and behold, Anna is about five months pregnant. Turns out it happened toward the end of last school year, she didn't tell anyone at first, and didn't bother to mention it over the summer (which I'm pissed about). I was NOT expecting one of my closest college friends to be about to have a baby, let alone one that I'm living with.

For the next few months, I helped her out, drove her to doctor appointments, etc, because of course the shitbag boyfriend lives like three hours away (where Anna lives when she's not at college) and refuses to drive over to help her out himself. However, I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with the baby once it's born. I wouldn't be helping her with diapers, wouldn't babysit, don't want her to put formula bottles on my shelf in the fridge, won't play with the baby or anything. I don't have the patience for that, I don't want the baby in my shit, I work 20 hours a week on top of my classes and homework and do not have time or desire to deal with a tiny human.

Fast forward to when the baby is born, Anna keeps saying she's looking for somewhere else to move, wants to move back full time to live with her shitbag boyfriend, have him help with the baby. Our other roommate Mica helps occasionally with the baby and is willing to do basic stuff and occasionally rocks him to sleep when they're sitting on the couch and stuff, but I refuse. Several months later Anna still hasn't moved out and has barely made the effort she says she will, she talks about the boyfriend a lot but I have literally NEVER seen him in person since the baby was born (he was there for the birth and that's it, drove her to our apartment afterwards since I didn't want to be there, then left again).

If there's ever a time when I'd be the only one home at the apartment and Anna asks me to babysit for a little while, I change plans and always leave so I'm not there even if it just means doing homework at the campus library instead of my room. Anna is exhausted and literally does nothing around the house anymore, never comes grocery shopping with Mica and I because she refuses to leave the baby home alone but doesn't want to take him to the store, I'm doing all of her dishes cause apparently she can't do that either, she asks us to do her laundry and cook dinner and everything for her now and I feel like we're being treated/put into the role of the baby's father.

I cannot stand children, I don't think Anna has any excuse for trying to make us care for her child, she seems to expect us to take care of him while she's in class and she can barely even afford her own share of rent and groceries and stuff let alone a baby (or hiring childcare), and I made it clear even before the baby was born that I wanted nothing to do with him and will not engage with him or do anything for him, and I think my "it's your fault you had a baby, sucks for you, now deal with the consequences" attitude is what might make me an asshole here but I'm so exhausted and my mental energy is always drained from the damn kid screaming and crying and making a mess of the house.

Mica talked to me privately recently and mentioned that they understand that I don't like children and that they're also upset with the fact that Anna can't take care of a child herself when she's a full time college student without a job and a shitty boyfriend who's barely in the picture, but they want me to try to engage more and have a bit of sympathy for Anna and not leave her completely stranded with an infant. I don't want children, I don't want to live with one, and don't want to have to care for one.

It's now April as of writing this and I have since moved out of the apartment (Anna and Mica still live together), I left in January at the start of spring semester when on-campus dorm housing was available and live with another friend whose roommate transferred the prior semester. I still see Anna around campus but I feel like the baby completely ruined our friendship but I still hang out with Mica a lot and occasionally get updates that way. I'm much happier, my mental health is better, and I'm not living constantly stressed and on edge because of the baby, and Anna still hasn't moved in with her boyfriend despite saying she's trying to for months now.

Was I an asshole for refusing to support my roommate and her baby, and essentially giving the ultimatum of "either the baby goes or I do?"

[devsgames]

Playersexual

"Playersexual" is a term I only recently learned about and it's fascinating to me. For those who don't know, it usually means a character whose sexual orientation is basically open to whatever the player happens to be playing as. Trans? Yeah they're romancible. Man? Romancible. Woman? Sure, romancible. As long as you're the player they don't really care.

I think this term, combined with playing a lotta Baldur's Gate 3 and Starfield, sorta helped me come to terms with understanding why I often dislike really "open" romance systems where every character is Playersexual.

I'm a queer, bi/pansexual person, and that informs how I perceive interactions in and out of games. I totally understand the affirmation and liberation that comes with being able to romance whoever the heck you want. To some people, that's where the fun is at, and I get it. It's valid.

For me I just I feel weird when Playersexual is the orientation of characters in a game world that is also trying to get me emotionally invested. In my eyes, it tends to strip the perceived agency other characters might have; it makes them feel less like real people with wants, needs, attractions and preferences. They end up being more like a checklist or object to be interacted with until I choose all the right option and unlock the kiss or sex cutscene, or the mechanical bonus a relationship brings or whatever the case may be.

To me, characters that feel 'real' have sexual preference. Honestly I feel that if they lack that they sorta lack a fundamental element that informs them as a person and a character. Like, any queer person can tell you that when you're queer things are different. Interactions are different, how you act on the world is different, how you assess situations and the way you engage in conversations are different. Queer people interact with a predominantly straight world different than straight people do. Similarly, being a straight person in a world full of straight people affords interacting with the world fundamentally different than if you were queer. I think to say "every character is maybe queer" steamrolls this fact and sort of undermines that queer experience to an extent.

Plus I think its just like, a missed stroytelling opportunity! The straight dude turns my masc ass down because he's not interested in men? Oh hell yeah, if he's polite about it I think that's really cool! He feels like more of an actual person that way, and what might ordinarily be perceived as a 'failure to romance' feels like it could be spun into another step in our journey as friends together. Maybe we'll crack jokes about it later, or he'll have a change of heart once he gets to kmow me better. It might be awkward, but we had an experience together and set some friendly boundaries, and built an understanding. After all, people having boundaries are often what makes people people in the first place.

So when I play a character and a game tells me everyone in a game is queer, then I'm either lead to believe 1) my character is incredibly charismatic (trust me, that's not usually the case) 2) queerness doesnt exist as a concept in this universe (weird in its own way and also usually not true) 3) eh i dunno we didn't think about it too much just choose someone as a partner already (boooo!).

Look if everyone in my party has strong opinions about me pickpocketing someone and stealing 5 bucks from them, I'd expect them to have opinions about who they share a bedroll with >:(

[cleverthylacine]

Ship and HC what you want--but I hate Ravage & Soundwave parent-child headcanons so much. I'm finally gonna say it. They can be adult best friends rather than lovers, but the family thing makes my skin crawl. Here's why.

The following is just my personal opinion. Everyone who reads this is free to engage with it, but I don't want to fight about it, and I am not trying to make anyone give up their headcanons, whether those are romantic, sexy, familial, or just friendly.

(The Ravage I write in my fics and RP, like ES Ravage, prefers she/her pronouns. I am aware that Ravage uses he/him in other continuities.)

I am really freaking uncomfortable with most of the common familial headcanons about Soundwave and Ravage, Soundwave and his cassettes in general, and the whole cassette thing. And I will also die screaming before I tag erotic content between two fully sapient beings as "bestiality".

I would rather think of Ravage and Soundwave as bonded lovers (and the birds as her siblings) then think of Soundwave as either of the following:

An Abusive Father who sends his own children directly into the heat of battle out to fight as child soldiers; or

A Large Adult Son who allows his parent and her siblings to be mutilated so he can drag her off into places like mining colonies and war zones, where she ministers to his emotional needs while also fighting for him in the heat of battle, and has no life or relationships of her own.

Because no matter how many cat memes you draw, neither of those things is cute. You have the right to ship whatever you want to ship same as me, but I don't want to read either dynamic.

He is NOT the single father of the year if he's yeeting his children onto battlefields.

He is NOT a good son if his mother is telepathically linked to him, programmed so that he can yeet her out into battlefields in less than a second, and unable to have any romantic or QP partnerships of her own.

If he is her lover (conjunx) or her QPP (amica), and the meeting they had in Rodion was a meeting of two neurodivergent adults who learned how to help and support each other in dealing with their disabilities, and they both want to be together even in the depths of hell, then they have a much less horrific and unhealthy relationship.

I was once made to play IDW Ravage as not Soundwave's partner in a dreamwidth game because they didn't like the ship, and she was a miserable, unhappy person who had given up her entire life to serve Soundwave and Megatron.

This really solidified my feelings about not just why I think their relationship is romantic and adorable, but also why I think a parental relationship between them, going in either direction, is incredibly fucking gross.

Making them mutually interdependent neurodiverse adults with complementary support needs, who love each other in a mature way or even an 'adult' way changes the narrative.

If Ravage is Soundwave's life partner, then the forced cassettification has imposed a power differential on them, but it is significantly lessened by the fact that they were already together and interacting as grown-ass adults who loved each other before that took place.

In other scenarios, she's being thrown by her father up against mechs 4 times her size, OR she's a devoted parent who has been emotionally enslaved by cassettification and can't even have an adult relationship of her own because who the hell is going to want to be her partner knowing that she has an unbreakable telepathic link with her son? And you can't really say she's trading this emotional labour for protection when he's yeeting her out into the front lines every third episode.

IDK, I think glorifiying parents who send their children to war and enmeshed parenting that renders someone an appendage to their child is a lot less problematic than letting them meet as adults and learn how to help one another.

Every time I see someone draw humanformer Soundwave and Ravage as a collared pet, I want to scream, but I don't, because everyone has the right to write and draw what makes them happy.

My friends know NOT to send me links to art that diminishes Ravage.

Ravage may look like a cat, but she passes the Harkness test, and her entire arc in IDW was about getting people to respect her as an equal despite the thing where she looks like a cat.

Her brain and spark are equal to that of any other Cybertronian. It's not bestiality. There's no reason a telepath would care more about the shape of her body than the feel of her mind.

I would rather think that she's getting love and respect and hot overloads from Soundwave than think that she's selflessly devoted to him and to Megatron for all of her days until Tarn locks her into that fucking refrigerator. Or think that she's a child soldier.

[hellolulu]

When it comes to the mp100 ageswap AU, the most interesting thing (for me, at least) is figuring out how exactly a storyline for it would work - after all, Mob growing up without Reigen would be a totally different guy, right? Well. I have a scenario that I made up in my brain, and I'm going to do my best to explain it below!

[Edit: this ended up being sort of a prologue/backstory, so I suppose.. it's a fic now? I tried to split the sections like chapters/episodes after accidentally writing too much but oh boy this is not what I set out to do]

---------------------

After hurting Ritsu accidentally as children, Mob becomes afraid of his own power, and anxious about using it. He also becomes awkward around others in general, as he cannot imagine being able to stop himself if he accidentally hits ??? and hurts them. Ritsu is upset and angry that Shigeo has decided not to use his powers anymore, and becomes a bit cold toward him for it, but they are friendly with each other for the most part. [This is pretty much unchanged]

During middle school, Shigeo decides to join the body improvement club in order to cast aside the need for most of his powers - if not all, by focusing on his physical body. As Musashi is a kind-hearted guy, the telepathy club is invited to use the room as a place to hang out, as they cannot exist as a club without a room. Mob, who struggles a lot with physical exercise, often ends up spending a fair amount of time around Tome and the others in the club. Although at first he's bitter and cold toward her for thinking psychic powers are a good/cool thing [bitter and cold in his own way, ie "you,, don't understand what you're talking about.. psychic powers are.. dangerous.." sort of energy], eventually her genuine enthusiasm breaks him down, and he agrees to help her search for espers, while himself not expressing that he is one.

At this point, Shigeo and Ritsu don't speak much, but they are amicable toward one another. Ritsu respects that Shigeo wants to improve as a person, but is also filled with anger that Shigeo refuses to use his natural abilities, and even more anger at himself for causing Shigeo to stop using them. Ritsu becomes a bit of a danger to himself and others, and finds himself tricked/persuaded by Onigawara and crew to assist them in an attack on a neighbouring school.

Ritsu (who was only really acting out, but is generally a good guy) freaks out when met with Hanazawa, an esper that wants to hurt others, and realises why exactly his older brother has been afraid to use his powers for so long. Viewing the destruction caused by the newcomer, he engages Hanazawa in a conversation, explaining that he should be more careful with his power, that people will get hurt, and asks that he stop. Hanazawa is extremely angered by this, believing himself to be the main character of the world, and attacks Ritsu. Through an extremely painful and stressful fight, Ritsu's powers are awakened, and elsewhere Shigeo is alerted to the feeling of two espers exerting a lot of power.

However, he would rather avoid joining the fight, and waits for the energy to die down, afraid he'd only make it worse by being a third esper in the fight. Then the house phone rings, so he picks up (as neither of his parents can come to the phone). On the other end is an already very unhinged Hanazawa, telling him that he'd beaten his younger brother in a fight, and had been asked to call him to get picked up. Ritsu's thinking was partially that Shigeo would be strong enough to protect him and take him home safely, and partially that it would help Shigeo come to terms with the fact he can't avoid his powers all his life. He wants his brother to accept his powers, after all.

The call ignites Shigeo's strong feelings of protection over his younger brother, and he immediately gets up to go to where he is and save him. By the time he reaches the school, he's already at a pretty negative point emotionally, quick to become dangerous. Hanazawa is very quickly beaten up, no exchanging of names or invitations of friendship, as Shigeo clearly sees him as an enemy from the get-go (for hurting Ritsu quite badly), and the feeling is mutual (because he lost and has to accept that he's weaker than someone). Shigeo saves Ritsu, takes him home, and passes out from exhaustion pretty quickly (physcial and mental).

--

When he returns to school the next day, his memories of the previous day are hazy, but he feels awful. Tome shows him a clip from the news of a school being destroyed, where she recognises him - and with an added remark of Inukawa remembering that Mob used to say he was a psychic, she asks if it was Shigeo's doing. Shigeo, who is upset by the events he can recall, and the ones he is being shown, becomes anguished - but the members of the telepathy group say that his actions were, in a way, heroic, and he quickly calms down, surprised to hear their positive response. Tome says he kind of overkilled it and shouldn't have destroyed a school, but that he stood up for his brother and protected him, which isn't that bad a thing to do. She then complains about him hiding his psychic powers from her, though she makes light of the situation and says he's probably got his reasons for hiding them, preventing Shigeo from becoming too upset by the scolding. She suggests that he has to become confident with his powers if he wants to be a real hero-type, and tells him to consider what he wants to do with them now that people know. Luckily as the footage captured isn't too clear, the unpopular Shigeo is not noticed, and the goody-two-shoes Ritsu is considered above suspicion. [Teru may or may not have been recognised by his school board, but I'm undecided. I lean toward him being recognised, but eh.]

Mezato is also interested by the news, and begins searching for the 3 people briefly shown in the news clip, who were hard to make out in the footage (Ritsu, Hanazawa, and Shigeo) but she is no amateur. She stumbles across Ritsu and questions him, but he's dark, angsty, and passive, newly awakened to psychic powers after being extremely injured, and a fair bit traumatised from the event. She pens him down as a possible instigator, and through a cryptic line like "my brother was right about having power being a bad thing," she goes to track Shigeo down, who encourages her to stop looking into it, as it's dangerous. She keeps her eye on both of them from this point on, as she has a faint idea that this could be the scoop of a lifetime.

As a result of the fight with Hanazawa, Ritsu starts practicing with his powers in secret. He's powerful, but new to his abilities, and afraid to bump into others like Hanazawa again without being able to use psychic power properly. Especially now that he knows he's weak compared to his older brother, who was vicious during the fight - even if it was in order to protect him. However, while practicing his powers, he is approached by Hanazawa himself, who tells him he can help him train, using the same justification that Shigeo is so overwhelmingly powerful that Ritsu needs to be able to defend himself "just in case something were to set him off again". They do not see eye-to-eye on this necessarily, but Ritsu sees the use in having a talented esper to help him train, and accepts the offer.

Meanwhile, Tome is trying to encourage Mob to be more confident with his powers, and to use them to help others, like a superhero. Although they usually hung out to search for telepaths in the past, she begins using this time to encourage him to help people in ways only he can, such as tripping purse snatchers, calming down lost children, and fixing broken things, all using his innate psychic abilities. Shigeo is learning slowly to use his powers in ways that make him feel good, and eventually, one of the telepathy club members suggests that he should try to exorcise a local ghost they heard about. Tome declares it a club excursion, and they all go to the abandoned building in which the ghost apparently resides.

Once there, they discover two other espers already on the case. Shigeo is surprised to see his brother there, along with the boy who had beaten him up a month or so ago. Ritsu explains that his powers had awoken, and he's been secretly training with Hanazawa, who seems to be intensely afraid of Shigeo. Shigeo asks if this is why Ritsu has barely been home the last few weeks, says their parents are worried, and that he should go home. Ritsu says he can't go home comfortably until he can control his power, "which you should understand, nii-san" and Shigeo is conflicted to learn that he has accidentally made Ritsu fearful of a power he's recently been making peace with.

Ritsu and Hanazawa go on ahead, and Shigeo isn't sure what he wants to do, wanting Ritsu to feel comfortable with his powers, (aka, let him try and exorcise the ghost, as he had intended to for training) but also wanting to send him home and keep him safe. He also feels apprehensive about Ritsu forging a friendship with someone he considers to be a bad person. Tome suggests they follow them, just in case, and Shigeo agrees with her judgement.

The spirit causing trouble turns out to be extremely dangerous, injuring both Ritsu and Hanazawa, as well as the telepathy club members. Shigeo steps in to protect them all from the spirit, and this also means protecting Hanazawa, who has become like a second brother to Ritsu over the last month. Hanazawa suddenly realises that Shigeo is a good person, but Ritsu becomes even more anguished due to his many conflicting feelings about psychic powers - how he couldn't do anything against the spirit, how Hanazawa suddenly seems in awe of his much stronger brother, and how Shigeo is able to destroy the spirit with ease, when neither of them could do anything special.

Hanazawa leaves with Ritsu, whose personality is becoming more twisted by the minute, confused at his feelings toward himself, and with feelings of fear and jealousy toward his brother, who suddenly seems comfortable using his psychic powers. This troubles him, when he had no idea Shigeo had also been 'training' his powers all this time [aka, he's getting it into his own head that Shigeo is intending to get stronger, rather than what we know; that he's trying to gain confidence].

--

Over the next while, he spends less and less time at home, only there to eat with the family - spending most of his time with Hanazawa, who stays by him, having become increasingly worried about his motivations. On the other side, Tome continues to help Shigeo to use his powers for noble causes, while he also continues activities with the body improvement club, which now includes Onigawara, who had witnessed Shigeo defeating Hanazawa and decided to learn more about him, only to enjoy the daily life of the club and become a member for real. [This is a weak plotline, subject to change, but I like Onigawara joining the club ok]

The telepathy club, other than Tome, no longer go with them on ghost visits due to the harrowing nature of the first. Even so, they keep ears to the ground to help them seek ghost rumours out, and are supportive of the good work they do for the locals. Shigeo is happily led by Tome's enthusiasm and strong sense of justice, and continues to help her search for other espers (especially telepaths) while exorcising ghosts and doing good deeds. He relies on her greatly for her personality, and doesn't feel a need to speak up too much - she views him as her equal and follows his judgement around spirits without making him feel uncomfortable.

During high school, despite being separated, Tome and Shigeo continue to work together on weekends. They are known locally as a pair of psychics, even though only one is an actual psychic - Tome is happy to be considered a psychic by association, however, and enjoys helping Shigeo in any way she can while on the job. This usually ends up in her speaking to the people they're helping; dealing with the social aspects that Shigeo finds uncomfortable, while Shigeo focuses his energy on the psychic work. She however does adopt moves such as Salt Splash after discovering that purified salt can weaken spirits, as a mechanism for self defence in dire situations.

At the same time (high school), Ritsu and Hanazawa have begun to pick up a following of espers who feel that their powers have made them alienated from society, and who want to be treated as normal people (the awakening lab crew), who they have begun to train, also. Ritsu has become more twisted by his need to prove his strength and worth against his brother, but is battling his own thoughts on this constantly - his brother would never hurt him, but what if? [Think: the anti-villain who believes they're an anti-hero and blurs the line as they fall deeper into their mess].

Hanazawa stays by Ritsu's side to remind him not to go off the deep end, and to continue helping him understand that Shigeo isn't his enemy [nobody here is a villain technically]. He tries to encourage Ritsu to speak to his brother about his feelings while he still can, but Ritsu (who is aware that his brother is now a local celebrity due to his powers) has become prey to his feelings of inadequacy. He believes he shouldn't speak to Shigeo until he's ready to fight him and defeat him, proving his worth as an esper, and a person. Hanazawa isn't sure that's for the best, but he continues to stay by Ritsu and support him, as he feels responsible for driving Ritsu to believe Shigeo was in any way dangerous when they first met.

-- timeskip to adulthood --

As adults, (around 24/25 [pssh, "adults"]) Tome opens Spirits and Such, alongside Mob, who has no other career path in mind, and is happy so long as Tome deals with people so he doesn't have to. Outside of his work with s&s, he is a bit of a recluse, shy around others, and still a little nervous about the powers he knows he's holding back, mostly staying in his apartment to avoid danger or conflict. Even so, he continues to regularly exercise, and helps the people around town when he can, while trying not to be noticed too much [this Shigeo is more socially anxious due to Tome taking on the bulk of social activity around him while they grew up].

Shou, who had heard of their work, and shares their strong sense of justice and desire to Do Good, comes one day to visit them. He notices very quickly that Shigeo is much more powerful than he lets on, and asks directly if he's content hiding so much of his power, a little disappointed in him. Shigeo (who has an easier time talking to spirits and fellow espers) explains that as a child, he'd hurt his brother, and has never truly recovered from the trauma, leaving an almost lifelong mental block on the bulk of his power. [This is something he feels he is able to speak about with other espers, and for comedic effect, Tome probably had no idea all this time and is shocked to find out something like that happened, when she thought the first time he used his powers to fight was during the fight with Hanazawa] Shou seems to understand his issue, and takes pity on him, explaining that he'll try to help Shigeo use and control the deeper powers he holds, giving him a business card for an esper research lab, and leaving.

Ritsu suddenly disappears after finishing university, and Shigeo (without hesitation) begins to use his free time to search for him, against Tome's better judgement. He has some leads, like Hanazawa becoming a celebrity psychic, though he's not sure how to go about meeting a celebrity, and Shou's mysterious esper research lab, though he isn't sure if Ritsu even knows about that. Sadly, he doesn't know how to go about following leads, when until now he's always followed Tome's judgements, so he's so far gotten absolutely nowhere.

This is about the time that LOL cult is being formed, and Reigen, a middle school boy, finds himself in the middle of a very dangerous situation. But luckily, S&S have been asked to check the shady organisation out by local reporter and friend of the business, Mezato, and Tome is sending in her best (and only) co-worker to get the job done.

--

Oh no I accidentally wrote a half-assed ageswap AU fanfiction? [REAL] This ended up being a whole prologue and being waaaay too big for me to tell the rest of the storyline in my head in just one post.......... 😳 So uh,,, let me know if you would want more of it 😳 (I even tried to make it brief!! This is not brief!!)

[queen-mabs-revenge]

OK so first of all i am not a nate-needs-to-mortify-his-flesh-to-be-redeemed girlie so fucking jot that down. i don't think he needs to grovel, i don't even think we need an extended boo hoo apology scene for anyone involved. nate's story is about reconciliation with himself and others through real self-esteem and contentment, not about whatever christian penance brainrot ppl are coming up with.

but i am fucking baffled by that opening scene with isaac, colin and will visiting nate at work and how -- yet again -- really essential character beats are just happening off screen and we're supposed to be super chill and emotionally swept along by it all?

(long ass v critical post under the cut)

"we want you to come back to richmond" uhhhhhhhhhh "the whole team talked about it and it was unanimous" …….?????????????? like besides the fact that there is literally no established tactical reason why the team feels that they need nate to come back considering they're pretty fucking successful at the moment, the show has given us no reason to believe that would be a decision made by a team that is and needs to be protective of its current interpersonal dynamic!

now again, i want to be very fucking clear as i go through the following that i don't think that nate is homophobic and i'm not accusing him of that, and again i'm not here like 'oh colin needs an uwu special apology'. but lay out the facts as far as the players know (because that's all that's been on screen): nate tore up the sign and ~~someone~~ exposed information about ted's panic attacks to the press - they're himbos but i mean come on. the last interactions between nate and the team - and especially colin - were pretty targeted cruelty and belittlement laced with misogynistic language (that yes, has been used pretty casually throughout the dressing room - not just a nate thing), and then nate goes to work for a club owned by the man who fostered the toxic swamp richmond was to begin with? bro. bro.

literally my first thought was -- how is colin eager to invite someone back who - as far as he knows - clearly very personally hates him, and has leaked information about someone he supposedly liked and respected that he was told in confidence to cause targeted harm to that person… when he just came out within a trusted organization with no intention of coming out publicly??? like no matter how this show tries to shorthand that everything is OK now, because they put no work into reestablishing trust… there is no way colin would take his safety as 100% guaranteed in this situation, and him being the person to insist on talking to nate doesn't shorthand that away!!!

like for me, this mismatch stands out as some fucking straight nonsense again bc you cannot use the horrifically queerphobic atmosphere in and around professional men's football irl for your very special episode and then just never address the personal vindictiveness involved in the character dynamic that was created between nate and colin previously, especially in the face of seeding the idea that someone would be afraid to come out to their trusted best friend because of the 1% chance the casual homophobia they tossed around was indicative of their actual beliefs.

and like ok the tendency of this show to just use experiences that reflect stuff of incredible real life consequence without considering the context or implications is already established. i get it. but like this is just another example of how by not actually engaging with the full consequences of the experiences they're capitalizing on, they've not done justice to any of the characters or representative stories involved.

the reconciliation between nate and the team had such great potential to bring out everyone's issues and have a real chewy resolution! nate getting tossed back into the rupertsphere and seeing the manipulative bullying inherent to rupert's concept of power, and consequently really understanding how that created the environment mirrored in the team's treatment of him, and how he held on to that concept of power and mirrored it back in vindictiveness.

maybe if they brought forward the bex and ms. kakes story to play out earlier (during one of these insanely bloated episodes), and if nate is tied in with letting them both know what was happening with rupert, the two women going to rebecca for advice could have been something that one of the players found out about (idk overhearing rebecca asking keeley for press/legal advice while passing her office or smth). that could have precipitated a conversation among the team that we were actually privy to about how nate stood up to rupert, put whole ass career on the line to protect people being deeply wronged instead of cozy up to power, and did it without publicly Exposing Their Business in order to get public kudos.

that conversation could have been the perfect way to get the team to understand nate's growth from what he did to ted by revealing and having them work through the implications of nates willingness to put protecting people from being harmed above his own need for power and validation, while also protecting their privacy and not seeking public validation at their expense! colin could have had a part in that conversation that both brought his queerness back into the story as something of actual consequence and not just a token feel-good moment, and it could have showed why the team would trust nate enough to hold a vote to ask him to come back to richmond while also showing the audience that the team has truly grown from its unhinged emotional reaction during the west ham match, and not just because they lost a game bc of it!

like idk man this just isn't good enough for me. this whole thing just isn't good enough for me, especially because they've made the implications and the stakes so fucking high by bringing in the incredibly consequential social issues they have. nothing feels earned, and everything feels cheap and flimsy because of it! everything from the journey we deserved to go on with all of these characters, to the seriousness and respect with which the show has treated the experiences they've profited off of, to the patronizing chintz of the last minute emotion-bombs being tossed to us as good enough wallpaper over the structural cracks we're meant to ignore.

[bewitched-bullet]

https://www.tumblr.com/bewitched-bullet/744615026194792448/how-did-you-make-the-jump-from-it-being-a-badly?source=share

Unsurprisingly, I did not get a clear answer. I did not expect one. You accuse people of being bullies and abusers while you are even worse. Spreading lies, talking behind people's backs, manipulating others into following your ridiculous crusade. Do you feel good about yourself?

Where are the asks that put John in a better light? I know they are there, because I wrote at least one of them. Oh, you're not answering them? I wonder why... 🙄

I don't expect you to answer this ask. Because you are a coward. And a bully. And an abuser. (Or maybe you lash out because you feel unfairly accused. Like the rp gang did.)

Obviously, it's been answered. And I knew that ask as well as this one are considered "bad faith" asks. But I answered them anyway, just as I answered ones that expressed doubts over the reality of the situation, just as I answered the spicy ones that defended John, and the Harriett mod one.

But do go on and keep putting your foot in your mouth.

And while you do that, I'll put my old teacher cap back on and break this down for the audience (which.... there aren't many going by engagement? Which makes this even more incredibly hilarious. Like, you’re seriously threatened by a nobody who doesn't even have organic reach.)

Bullies and (chronic) abusers cannot be reasoned with, it's a known fact. So, it is unsurprising to see that they dismissed the answer from their previous asks. Then they try blaming/projection. Likely in an attempt to get an emotional reaction. Actually, this whole thing is an attempt to illicit an emotional response.

Then the mod continues with the self-projection (pssssst! What crusade? Why was i not informed?? I'm allergic to genocidal holy wars!) until we hit the first question. (And yes, yes I am)

Now, they are attempting redirection. I have voiced my observations (at that point) that the John mod has only answered asks that have set them in a only good light. Hence the redirection here. As they have blocked me (wise choice) I cannot see from this account if that still holds true. I bet you they changed tactics after my observations. Because I'm a smart cookie and they know it. Check them dates!

(I have received so many asks y'all and I have answered every one of them except two. One that John mod sent that's still there and was an almost carbon copy of the pm they ALSO sent and a public post they tagged me in. Sooo redundant. And one was a link to Dump's profile (which has been addressed by another anon ask)

So! This here is called fabrication in a poor attempt to discredit. They count on the community/person they are attacking to be either naive, sheltered, vulnerable. In their minds, they believe we are all stupid.

Now, we get to some good bits. They are clearly trying goad and then the fall back on their ol' faithful tactic of self-projection.

Throughout all of this, they were trying to emotionally manipulate by attempting to create an emotional response or a sense of shame (lololol I have none). Digging into someone's sense of shame is the easiest way to control and abuse them. But it generally requires more personal involvement with the intended victim

Millions of people don't speak out and/or stay locked in abusive situations because of shame.

Now with all of this said, that doesn't mean because you've manipulated folks before to get what you want, you're a "bad" person.

Because my morals are my own, I will not tell you folks how to handle this gray area.

Just a question to leave you all with: is the world black and white? Or is it an spectrum?

Just like, if I see someone steal food--no the fuck I didn't.

Ok, time to lock the instructor hat back in the closet where it belongs.

(Side note: being threatened by a nobody because they dare to question and can't be cowed, is common with bullies, abusers, and predators)

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

If you would like to see this whole mess, search the tags for "a scandal in tumblr"

[edwinspaynes]

alright alright I’ll ask then run us down how Alastair is such amazing cptsd rep

Okay okay okay. So I have a lot to say here and my ADHD has been causing me Problems(TM) today, so I'm sorry if this answer is incoherent and all over the place. But I have SO MANY THOUGHTS on Alastair, and how he's my beloved blorbo, and how he probably is the most authentic portrayal of cPTSD I have ever seen.

The Paradox of Maturity

So let me start by saying that I, and most other people who I know with cPTSD, have a strange experience of simultaneously feeling very old and very young. Alastair is an excellent embodiment of this - he is extremely mature in many ways and highly immature in others.

He knows how to engage with adults well because he always has been forced to do so; he's a caregiver and a protector because he was thrust into those roles when he was young. It's also worth noting that Alastair is highly intelligent. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he is probably the most intelligent mortal character in TSC holistically (yeah, Christopher and Henry are geniuses, but they have limited scopes of knowledge. Alastair knows things about almost everything, including observing and reading people to figure out their needs). In any case, these are all ways that Alastair is mature, and he uses them well. He knows how to engage with adults, how to command respect, how to behave as someone that they should take seriously.

In many other ways, though, Alastair is extremely immature. While he knows how to get on well with adults and show people like Will and Tessa that he is "an extremely well-mannered young man," he struggles to connect with his peers. This is true even when he's not bullying them. His jokes, while funny to me, don't seem to hit the landing with a lot of the other kids; the sense of humor is too mature, and they can't figure out what he means when he's being silly. He's socially awkward, and despite being really empathetic (which I'll get to in a minute), he comes off as emotionally stunted. He's distant. This is why Cordelia worries that he doesn't love her; it's why Thomas thinks he's sniping at him when he makes a comment about Paris being "a vacation from a vacation." He struggles to relate to people his own age. The epitome of the kid who's BFF with the teacher.

Another immaturity-disguised-as-maturity that Alastair has is hyper competence. He's grown up a caregiver, and he's done that alone. He wants to connect with people, but does not know how to rely on anyone; this is one reason that he is "afraid" of his relationship with Thomas (as he talks about outside of Matthew's flat). Thomas makes him feel vulnerable because he's someone that Alastair learns to trust and rely on.

Alastair, the Empath

And yet. And YET. Alastair is so filled with empathy, and love, and care, that it hurts to watch sometimes.

When I think of pure gestures of love, I think of those gestures that the person on the receiving end of them will never know of. Two of the best examples I can think of that are, in fact, Alastair.

He sacrifices his entire childhood so Cordelia can have one. In an ideal world, Cordelia would never have known that. It would have been something that Alastair took to the grave, and he actively worked to ensure that she would not find out for a long time.

Then there's Thomas. Alastair trailed Thomas alone while he was patrolling alone, just so someone would be watching over him. Thomas was angry with him at the time, and Alastair had no reason to think that they would ever speak again. But he followed him anyway, just to make sure that he was safe and okay. And Thomas would never have found out about this; no one would have, if not for Thomas's arrest. It was another act of pure, selfless love.

Alastair also has a knack for sensing what people need and doing it. When Matthew needed some tough love in ChoT to quit his drinking, Alastair provided it despite the fact that he and Matthew had been in constant, deeply acrimonious conflict for years. Alastair is the only person besides Christopher to empathize with Grace when James shares what she did to him. Alastair understands Cordelia's worries about the Carstairs family and is in one occurrence speaks her mind:

“Thank you, Mr. Herondale,” she said. “I hope to live up to your expectations.” Tessa looked surprised. “Why would you ever worry about that?” “Cordelia worries,” Alastair said unexpectedly, “because of the idiots who mutter about our father, and our family. She should not let them bother her.”

It's worth noting that Alastair can also use his ability to read people for bad. As Thomas notes, he can figure out your insecurities at a glance; this is how he knows to target James for his unusual eyes and demonic heritage, and to target Matthew for his visible cues of queerness.

But is this trauma? I believe so. Trauma makes people extremely sensitive to their environments. Growing up with Elias - and being in a relationship with Charles - Alastair would have needed to read cues to interpret their moods quickly. He also would have needed to figure out how inebriated Elias was at a glance so he could proceed to deal with him appropriately; we see a bit of this at Cordelia's wedding in ChoI.

Another good example of Alastair being sensitive to the needs of others (but also hypercompetent) is when he tells Thomas that he cannot make Thomas the sole reason he stays in London. "It will put too much pressure on Thomas" is horribly thoughtful and insightful, and "mature." But it also is almost ridiculous in how stunted a worldview it is, how much it sidelines Alastair's needs because Alastair is not used to prioritizing his own needs. His own happiness is not a consideration.

According to psychologists,

As children, survivors learned to read other people — to read their tone, their movement, their words, and their emotions. This was helpful to safely avoid danger, to know what a situation called for, and to generally rise to what any circumstance required. As adults, their challenge can be to not feel swamped by other people’s emotions or dilemmas and to not let other people’s needs take over in every situation. As adults, the value in this is they can intuit what others may need. Through this, they can be empathic, caring, and kind. They may seek to understand another’s perspective; they can allow for differences and look to find fair solutions for all.

This describes Alastair to a T. The other items on the given list of life skills that trauma survivors have also describe Alastair: responsibility and competence, as we discussed earlier, as well as an ability to connect with others.

Vulnerability

It's not all about reading people, either. Alastair also has a lot of trouble with vulnerability, but once he feels safe enough to be vulnerable (even subconsciously), he can't control his physiological emotional responses. I'm specifically thinking of two instances here, both with Thomas:

The Sanctuary scene, in which he cries in a moment that is probably THE most vulnerable he has ever been with another person, and

The scene outside Matthew's flat, when he nearly cries as he tells Thomas that he is moving to Tehran and is afraid of fleeing and becoming like his father.

In these moments, Alastair is not only the competent and highly intelligent adult that he is in fact. He is also his wounded inner child, having "persistent and chronic feelings of emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness." (Also displayed when he says he wasted his chance with Thomas, btw).

You can look over the "wounded inner child" list here, but some points I associate with Alastair include:

Self-sabotaging behaviours (fighting with TMT, almost moving to Tehran, going back to care for Charles at the beginning of ChoT)

Difficult relationships with family members (the distance from Cordelia, being Sona's partner in crime, everything about Elias)

Self-criticism/low self-esteem (he literally calls himself something that's "unhealthy and bad for [Thomas]" in ChoI)

Relationship issues (this would be a whole other fucking essay about the cycle of abuse and how survivors of domestic abuse often get into abusive relationships, but Charles ofc. Also the fact that it seems incomprehensible to him that Thomas might love him)

(Mmmmm would you like a "get to know your wounded inner child" fic about Alastair? Yes? Okay. I'm getting ideas.)

Ambiguously Neurodivergent

This brings me to my next point. Alastair feels... distinctly neurodivergent, but in a "slippery" way. He has some of the social challenges and high levels of intelligence commonly associated with autism; he has the empathy and hyper-awareness commonly associated with ADHD and other forms of autism. He is very analytical and thoughtful, but also very sensitive and emotional. It's a conundrum.

But those with cPTSD often feel like this. cPTSD is often misdiagnosed as autism (which is, in fact, something that happened to me personally.) It mimics a lot of autistic traits while still feeling slightly... off. Not quite like autism. Not quite like ADHD. Not quite bipolar, not quite borderline, not quite anything. It's just cPTSD, neurodivergence in its own right.

The Mask and the Real: A Non-Conflict

The last thing I'd like to say about Alastair is this. And it's really important, and what sets Alastair apart from other portrayals of cPTSD.

Alastair has armor. Alastair has a mask. But that mask is REAL. He and Matthew are two of the only characters that have this, in my opinion. Other good portrayals of cPTSD, like Ben Gross from Never Have I Ever (another blorbo of mine), have a hardened armor-shell exterior to hide the wounded child inside. In cases like Ben's, this is a facade.

This isn't true of Alastair.

I talk about this in my last fic a bit:

He was smart; he was clever. His tongue was a whip, and that was what made him Alastair Carstairs. On some days, he could almost believe that this was the complete truth of himself. It wasn’t difficult; his personality was not a façade. He was cutting, cunning, convincing. He did have sharp edges, and ones that he was learning to love as Thomas ran his fingers along them and did not draw blood. And yet, underneath that layer, there was more to him. There were the long, nightmare-filled midnights that Thomas held him through when he stayed over, drawing steady circles on his back and telling him that it was alright not to be quite well. There were outings where he would catch a whiff of gin’s strong scent and cover his nose, willing his eyes to show nothing as he walked away too quickly.

These traits aren't lies. They're not a shell he's built up around himself. They're real, and he has unfortunately been made to weaponize his sense of humor and his cutting wit and his intelligence.

Alastair feels real - and his cPTSD feels real - because he is a fascinating dichotomy, an enigma, and above all a great depiction of a person who feels real. His complexities aren't glossed over. The narrative is sympathetic to him while not making him a Poor Innocent Woobie. He makes mistakes, he makes amends. He laughs and he cries and he hates and he loves, and he experiences every part of the human condition to its fullest on-page. explicitly.

In the end, the only other character who does that is his equal opposite in all things, Matthew Fairchild. But I'll leave that essay for another day.

I guess I'll tag @alastair-appreciation-month in this because, hey, it's Alastember. Why not.

[hanamiyama-basketball-club]

losing my fucking mind over bravern ep 11 and my usual victims are either not caught up or not off work in preparation for going to a tf convention like I am, so

ep 11 spoilers below the cut

I don't like to engage in serious speculation bc I don't know what the fuck is going to happen in this show (in a good way) and I don't want to work myself up for something that doesn't happen and end up feeling disappointed just bc a different great thing happened

but like we've got one episode left (? though *some* kind of announcement is coming on Monday in Hobby Japan magazine apparently) and one of our leads is dead again (again) and also I think it's fairly likely they fucked on the beach?? so some disorganized thoughts

WHO DREW THE AIAIGASA. BRAVERN'S FINGERS ARE TOO BIG or is that why bravern's name is too large to fit under the umbrella (which is especially funny bc bravern, too, is too large to fit under the umbrella but he would try) WAS IT ISAMI THIS IS CRUCIAL

they might not have had the campfire time in the bad end timeline bc they said that was partly bc superbia told them about the remaining deathdrives. but if they DID there wasn't anyone to interrupt them. so. at least they didn't die virgins (for the purposes of this joke bravern is a virgin bc he's only existed for a week)

does superbia know they fucked

it is kind of funny that lulu going back in time made things *worse* (or so it seems, I'm sure smith/bravern will be fine somehow) bc yeah they both died but at least they saved the world first. separate post about heroism in bravern being about the people you love and not about saving the world incoming tho (I am sure it will work out for the best but I just said elsewhere that at least bad end means they won't die! *LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER*)

we've had two time travels and you'd expect either one or three. and isami has been fairly passive narratively. is this when isami finally takes control of his own destiny and activates bravern's core to go back and fix (something)

there's a version of this story where he goes back and redoes the entire situation, smith never dies and never becomes bravern and accepts himself and his human limitations. and that could be good or bad but I don't personally think this is it

more importantly imo: HE NEEDS TO SAY IT BACK. if I was writing this that would be the key. he needs the courage to admit he loves bravern too. it's pretty obvious now (I mean. he was lying back with his arms up waiting to be kissed-and-more, bro was READY) but saying it is another thing entirely. If Smith realising his love created Bravern then Isami accepting his love can activate the core

smith/bravern constantly saying "yuuki bakuhatsu/brave bang" at death feels like it should mean more than just "title drop lol". first time it felt like "bro don't tell him how brave you are for blowing yourself up right as you die live on zoom" but the fact that he did it again? or maybe it's just that that's going to be what makes isami figure it out, like the curry was for lulu. but I want it to mean that isami, specifically, needs to explode his courage. hopefully not literally, but I think he needs to do something emotionally brave that he initiates

then again it might just be title drop lol bc I'm pretty sure some stuff is literally just there bc obari thinks it's cool and honestly if following his heart has gotten us this far then he's doing something right

there's enough of a hole in bravern's side for isami to climb back inside him and whatever happens next I hope he does. get in the robot boyfriend isami

bravern sounded more and more human when talking at the campfire. like he wasn't as blustery as he usually is as bravern, and he wasn't pretending not to have ever been human. (though he is still watashi-ing rather than ore-ing, when he slipped up in ep 9) idk if isami noticed though, he kind of had some other stuff going on

I do now think this will end with smith accepting his human limitations and the things that humans can do when they work together (not a euphemism) (not not a euphemism either). maybe human smith is still in there, if he could bring robot parts from death maybe he could also bring and reassemble his flesh. it doesn't require any *more* stretch of the imagination. isami climbs inside, finds him, loves him, and brings him out to help save the day (superbia can gattai with what's left of bravern or something idk)

"aren't you writing a story where becoming bravern is a transition analogy" A. how do you know that B. yes and I'm going to try to finish it before the finale bc it is still a fun story, but that isn't the story that bravern was ever telling and I didn't think it was. it's just an adjacent and overlapping story. (Also, sometimes the opposite of a trans story is also a trans story! Sometimes the big robot is transition and sometimes the big robot is the closet! Being trans is both about changing to something new and accepting who you were born to be; it's just a matter of how you look at it.)

ira's hot though

ilu segnities. big kansai robo

WHY CAN'T BRAVERN EAT what's sustaining him, is it pure love. the deathdrives power themselves by absorbing lulus but he's not doing that, and superbia clearly absorbs power through his hole (serious face). he can't accept love (home cooked food) in this body... this isn't a "what a plot hole" btw this is a "this feels thematic"

did isami actually own a hawaiian shirt this whole time bc I don't think we've ever seen him in civvies so that feels unlikely. was it smith's and isami brought it in memory of him. did bravern 3D print it

can't believe they fucked on the beach though

like the kiss scene is kind of a joke but also. like. only in that it was so dramatic and lulu walking in on her parents about to do it. isami was so ready to go

and then they frolicked on the beach

wow

please I don't want it to end but I also don't want it to end there please please please

I literally broke my N key in half typing OH NO OH NO OH NO in the chat

love is a spiral, an intersecting spiral

they have to get married now right

what is this series

[disciple-of-frost]

Okie dokie then... (0 A 0)

Also! I'm just going to be answering these as a comprehensive list and not send out more. I'm really really sorry, I just don't want to send more to people I might have already sent this to. Just know I appreciate each and every one of you and my inbox/messages are always open if you want to chit chat more!

Also Also! I'm just going to be answering 12 things that make me happy, a nice happy medium also cuz my brain like to freeze up whenever I try to think about myself and my interests. (T _ T)

--

1.) My mutuals OCs! Seeing the love poured into each character and the unique takes everyone has done to fit MSQ/character dynamics to them is so cool! I know we aren't all a hivemind and we won't like all of the same characters, but seeing you all uplift and be supportive to one another helped me be more open and post about Ishi.

2.) Coffee. I am a caffeine fiend and I have done my damnedest to recreate a lot of the drinks Starbucks has released at home. And I will say, I make a mean Lavender Cream Matcha. If you think you can't make something like that I'd say don't be afraid to try. You might surprise yourself.

3.) Monster High. I was in high school in conservative, small town nowhere when they first released and my parents didn't feel the need to buy things that weren't necessities. So now that I'm an adult and enjoying things I never got the chance to when I was younger I have 5 Draculauras hanging up in my bedroom.

4.) My cats. I know I said Animals already in another post, but I don't care. I have four fur babies and they are so special to me, I'm currently living in a really small semi-beaten up apartment because any houses for rent where I am have pet limits and I am not going to abandon two of my cat's just so I can live in a slightly nicer but exceedingly more expensive house. It's not a perfect place to live by societal standards, but it's ours and my boys are everything to me.

5.) Music. I am expanding my music horizons, but for the most part I still listen to a lot of the music I did as a teenager. Linkin Park, Killswitch Engage, Sevendust, Breaking Benjamin, etc. But I do try to find more independent artists that emulate a similar sound to my old favorites; Mallavora, From Ashes to New, Aviators, Magnolia Park.

6.) Gonna move away from physical/material things for a sec. That feeling you get when you get done cleaning a room and you sit down, take a deep breath, and just smell the clean.

7.) The satisfaction of finding a new recipe and nailing it on the first/second try.

8.) Seeing people be kind. I know there are horrible things happening in the world right now, but seeing seemingly small acts of kindness get's me teary eyed. A person rescuing goose eggs from a pond and returning them to their nest. A man picking up trash from a forest creek. Somebody getting gifted a plane ticket to go see their family in another country or having a family member show up to surprise them. I'm honestly getting misty eyed just typing this out. I'm just a really emotional/sentimental person.

9.) The fact that I have been able to keep a single plant alive for more than a week. My partner and I got a potted plant at a baby shower for his boss almost a year ago and that little guy is still kicking.

10.) Giving compliments to people when I'm out in public. I never got a lot of positive affirmation as a kid so whenever I see someone being unabashedly themselves and just wearing their style proudly I like to let them know they look good and that they're killing it.

11.) Finishing a game that had me emotionally invested. Lookin' at you Persona 3: Reload.

12.) Seeing my friends in person after not hanging out in a while. Being an adult can be lonely and people have responsibilities in their own lives that they have to put first before leisure and friends. So actually finding time to be together with the people I love and being able to hug them is super important to me.

--

Okay then. That's about it for now, if I do get another one of these I'll try my best to list a few more.

Thank you to @paintedscales, @shadesofblades, @myreia, @draconian-empress, and @corsair-kovacs! 💙

[ruthlesslistener]

Oohhh I get it now. But tbh if I'm going to be honest, at least proshippers hide their stuff away in their respective dark areas/behind safe walls and even tag and warn people about the dark content they make. Antis dont, they just invade places and engage in the said dark content just to get mad at it. At least from my own experiences from them. Idk I just see most proshippers as responsible in managing what they make, while antis don't. I actually got a taste of dark content from antis myself as a kid, in a lot of callouts made by antis lololol. And not because the proshipper were demanding their content be known. Its been like that even now actually, where dark content gets shoved in people's faces purely because an anti is trying to act like a hero. Though this is just my experience with them.

Another thing if you wouldn't mind, is that while it's true that dark content can lead to a lot of things in real life. I personally see that it has to be allowed to exist, because dark content shows the dark realities of life and that we shouldn't just leave it/ignore it. I seen victims of abuse for example, who had their experiences validated from reading dark content/about their abuse in stories. Or like the fact that a certain famous entertainment company doesnt want to show blood in their content because of "violence" in shows where kids and adults are watching, where some have pointed out that not showing even a small proportions of what violence can do (blood) will lead to a very naive understanding of the consequences of violence. Shocking because this is a western company, and the TV show in question involves guns and... you get the idea. Don't get me started on censorship and how that can get out of hand so easily.

I don't think I'm explaining this well but yeh. Dark content is needed and should be allowed to exist in my personal views, but should still be allowed to exist behind close doors and away from people who don't want to see it. You can delete this ask if it makes you uncomfortable, I'm just trying to put my two cents into this convo. But yeh, I prefer to live in a world where dark content exists and not one where its nothing but "wholesome" and "pure".

.

[Tone: calm and neutral]

Oh no yeah I agree with you 100%, this is my exact stance on things and is a mirror to most of my experiences- hell, I like exclusively dark content and part of the reason for that is bc I came from a psychologically/emotionally (and sometimes physically) where 'we're all just a big happy family and you're ruining it you little freak' was a big problem. Stuff that's just pure and wholesome actually makes me feel uneasy and on edge all the time because I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop, while horror is comforting because I can read the situation and know what's happening. Part of the issue in my household also stems from the fact that my dad has an issue with differentiating fiction and reality (he suffers from untreated ocd and paranoia and a whole slew of other issues), and he used to blame the stuff I was reading for making me 'disrespectful' and 'cold' whenever I dared to have a negative emotion- hence me just seeking out more and more fucked up shit so that I could vent my anger without getting cussed out (though it also was bc I wasn't allowed to watch anything over a G rating til I was fucking. 16.). Without going into more detail, he used extremely similar tactics to antis and that's why I have such a strongly negative response to them, discounting all of the times where I had nasty run-ins with them. I very much hate all of them and it is because I had to deal with people like them my whole life. It wasn't fun.

I have very few actual squicks, and if I'm in a curious mood I'll also read stuff even if it disgusts me- and hell, sometimes their are exceptions. Captive Prince is a series I'm very fond of full of rape, csa, incest, and psychological abuse, but the reason why I love it despite the content is because it is a very compelling story about how horrible all that abuse is and how deeply fucked up it can make a person, as well as how awful the victim can seem when your pov is being manipulated by the abuser. The problem I have isn't content-based as much as it is the people, and, to the lesser extent, the tone of some of what they make.

See, what soured me on proshippers aren't people who are quietly making darker content and posting/tagging it properly (those are just normal writers and artists imo), I'm talking those who proudly proclaim themselves as proship, aka the vocal few balls deep in The Discourse who make it their whole personality trait. They're mostly centered to Twitter rather than Tumblr nowadays, but the problem with said vocal minority is that they are. Well. Extremely fucking annoying, entitled, tone-deaf, and just overall awful people. Almost everyone who proudly flaunts that they're proship is so balls-deep in the discourse that they feel personally victimized by anyone who shows any negative reaction to the gross shit they're into bc that automatically means they're a puritan, when sometimes it really is just an expression of disgust. Twitter proshippers are a whole different breed than Tumblr ones after the porn ban, but unfortunatly I keep getting their arguments shown to me when I'm on the site scrolling for furry porn and its...bad. It's real fucking bad. Not as bad as antis half the time but certainly not much better in how they treat people and their personal boundaries.

It's also the people who will take content that's pretty fucked up and spins it through a fandom lens that also gets me, though most of the time I just block and move on with a bad taste in my mouth instead of getting actually angry. And by 'fandom lens', I mean people who will take a rape/abuse/etc situation and then go 'oh but what if they're a couple with only a few pokes at the fucked up elements in canon. Ex, some (admittedly few, but they exist) people ship Mohg and Miquella as a reciprocal pairing despite it being a kidnapping and nonconsensual body modification incest-for-power situation, and that just...it feels so wrong. It's just so shallow and such a bad take read on a complex situation that I cannot stand it, it makes me want to run the opposite way. I have zero authority to force people to not do things ofc, I'm not a fucking cop, but those people give me the vibe of someone who'd not help you out with an abusive partner because 'oh but his posessiveness and controlling nature is just so cute, and he clearly loves you so its okay!' and that rings the alarm bells of someone that I do NOT want to be around even if it logically means nothing.

Does that make sense? It's a convoluted mess, but I hope I made it more clear that it's not so much the content that bothers me as much as it is the people and how they use it.

[kerubimcrepin]

Episode 12 - The Great Glucid, Part 2

I don't know why, but this episode is very cute to me.

Kerubim being a baker is also just a bit emotionally charged to me, in a good way, — even if it is just a silly little episode.

It feels nice, that he engaged in a hobby that one wouldn't expect of him. This isn't exactly manly, monster-slaying adventurer stuff. And that's good! He should do things that make him happy and proud more!

It's also nice that he spent time with his mentor's grandchildren, considering Kerubim seems to adore kids. (Perhaps, that's one of the reasons he wants Joris to call him a grampy-cat, instead of a father? Because that was his first real experience with a functional family, as an orphan and a demigod?)

Very succulent and healthy energies all around, compared to his usual tales of violence and divorce and toxic friendships.

And, perhaps, at least in part, it's also nice because it's his cultural and familial heritage, as a person who grew up in Amakna?

It feels like we're exploring a part of Kerubim's identity that isn't something like "gambler, cheater, warrior, ORPHAN WITH A DEAD FAMILY who's only brother left HATES him, god's plaything, divorcee," and instead something more gentle, kinder, like "guy who likes babysitting," or "an Amaknean man in his natural environment (making baked goods)"

Like yes. He should be baking. Yugo, his fellow countryman, should also be baking. From both of their shows, we can see that Amaknean men are at their happiest when they're in the kitchen. So, chop-chop!

...We will see that despite trying really hard to hate one another, Atcham and Kerubim are... quite passionate about their family history and heritage. No wonder he became a baker.

*Wakfu: One More Gate is an unreliable source due to its plot being a dream, however, if it is based off things that really happened to Oropo during his youth, and considering the fact that, to my knowledge, the game's plot was changed into the dream thing during development, it would imply that the Crepin family has been selling things, especially weapons, for generations.

Yessss another dice moment.

Me @ fictional men I like.

He switches between holding two different weapons. BOOO tomato tomato tomato, how dare they have an animation error in their children's cartoon. (I'm joking.)

To reiterate, I really think we should talk more about Kerubim being good at baking and being really proud of it. (To the point of being a show-off, as he is with everything else he's good at.)

My headcanons of the day:

Kerubim is definitely the one who made the food in the beginning of the Julith movie.

I think Kerubim would learn how to make macarons without any machines involved, and give himself carpal tunnel and actual hand damage over it. Because he'd like the idea of being A Guy Who Can Make Macarons that much.

People in this house LOVE standing on tables and counters. Micromen. Manlets. Tinyguys.

On one hand,

On the other hand, he looks genuinely sad about what happened.

I suppose, considering this whole thinly-veiled-symbolism-for-addiction-played-for-funnies thing happened after this story, this might have been one of the last times Kerubim spent with his mentor while he was healthy.

And while it is only in my head, bc we here on this blog take this show way too fuckin' seriously: This guy might have been the first normal familial figure in his life, considering the whole Demigod/Orphan thing.

Aaand I just made myself sad.

Anyway, HURTING HIM.

[newyrife]

What does love mean to a teenage girl like me?

When you're a teenage girl, you can be searching for a romantic experience. Someone is only looking to have fun or show off their boyfriend. But for some reason, as they leave the memories behind, they will realize what love really means.

I wouldn't say that I have much experience with love. But in order to understand, you don't need more love; instead, you just need to wake up from your dream. People are selfish. You could believe the word "selfish" is too solid but it is true. And for other people (like me), you only consider how you are feeling while not considering the other person with whom you are speaking, which makes them feel emotionally drained. You might not understand what I'm saying, so allow me to share my love story.

I met him through a dating app. I was enjoying my conversation with him as we discussed our favorite moments and shared ours. On the other hand, I also met someone and we hit it off. It would be wonderful for me to prevent a long distance relationship because the second one lives in the same city as me and the first one is difficult for me to visit. I break up with him and move on to the second person, but after a while I realize I don't like him as much as the first, so I go back to him and end the relationship. I spoke with him while we were on the phone. We are making fun of one other, and it's a wonderful moment. All of a sudden, I did something that would ruin my love story. This might be considered cheating on him. I discussed a trip with the other guy without telling my boyfriend about it. He is aware of this, therefore we argue over it. He always held himself at fault. He claims that the reason I spoke to others is because he is not good enough. I regret hearing him say this to me. He already has a broken heart and no longer believes anything I say. Despite the fact that I am telling the truth, he refuses to believe me.I accept him and allow him to leave.

Love can give you positive emotions like fulfillment, contentment, and more, but it can also give you negative ones. This is another reason I left him and started taking care of my emotional needs. Sometimes, when you're depressed, you'll think negatively and that could make other people feel the same way. it is undesirable. I believe the greatest method to get rid of this is to first learn to love yourself through stress reduction because this love problem can also make you angry.

If you are unsure of how to relieve stress, I suggest engaging in a calming activity like getting a massage, taking a bath, listening to your favorite music, or engaging in a favorite hobby. I didn't mean to imply that you can't be sad when I told you not to be stressed. But if you're sad, you need to make sure you won't be sad over it again since it's pointless to keep sobbing about the same issue. Instead, you should fight for yourself.

You can become a better person through love. Love has taught me how to communicate, feel, and trust. It's challenging to maintain and deal with trust. When trust is broken, it can grow to be the same, but not always. I also discover how others feel. I believe I need to learn more about how to handle people's emotions because it can be complicated and varies from person to person. Therefore, the simplest solution is to communicate with and understand one another. This can result in major disagreements, but it will be resolved, so trust me, you just need to speak out and be sure of what's on your mind.

P.S. I need more time to practice writing because I'm not very good at it. I apologize if this blog is difficult to understand or causes misunderstandings; it is for school work. and love which are difficult to speak about. I appreciate all comments.

NUCHAYADA THUTAKIT (New) no.19

[lifeasatargetedindividual]

One of the very things that stick out about organized harassment is the fact the people running it as well as those who engage in it, want you to be just like them. They want you to think like them, act like them, talk like them, and hell, if they could they'd have you dressing like them too. The government in general just wants you to conform; "just follow directions!" As I'm constantly told. What makes a "good recruit" are those who blindly follow what they are told without questions. This is how they keep their perceived idea of freedom. What they hate about us T.I.'s is the fact we dare to be different from them in every way. We question what we are told, we refuse to follow any commands that would threaten the wellbeing of someone else, a person we don't even know, mind you, like these people do. We refuse to live our lives in hatred, doing the most evil things we can to others just because we can. And we refuse to cover or condone wrongdoing, especially wrongdoing that harms another human being. We think with our hearts and minds, not just our minds. And we actually care about the fate of humanity. Those who gangstalk will never understand why we choose to be different and not merely sell our lives, our very souls away, just to obtain what they see as the "greatest perks" of being a part of a secret program where everyone's connected and doing and saying what they wanna do and say towards selected individuals, all while the governments backs and covers them. Stalking and harassing, virtually obsessing over a person who does nothing for them or to them, they feel is living the "high life." Watching our every move behind the scenes and going out of their way to encounter us just so they can say or do something to get us to react negatively, is the best thing in the world to them. When you think about it, they treat our own lives as more important than their own, all of the time and effort they invest into us. They spend more time on us than they do their own children, and when they can, they even involve their children. If we T.I.'s are so "crazy" and oh so "dangerous," then how does it make them look to use their children in their sick, twisted games? Using their own logic against them, they should be charged with child endangerment don't you think, since we are the "bad guys"? Food for thought.

The very things they call us and label us as fits them to a T. They know it, they just fight not to let that truth take root in their hearts.

Truth is, even if I was offered all the money in the world, along with their idea of "freedom," I'd still turn it all down. Going out of my way to try and hurt someone else just because the authorities say "it's OK, they deserve it!" Is just not worth it. Because I already know what it's like to be in that position. Whether they like it or not, these people will one day be forced to take their blinders off and see themselves as anyone who isn't involved would see them: Predators, Bullies, Abusers and Cowards. You're not the good guy or the "hero" when your entire intention is to cause harm to someone else whether physically, verbally, emotionally, etc. When their brainwashing wears off (and the government can no longer back them), it's gonna be the rudest awakening they've ever had.

[lilithshadefanfic]

I have been absent from the fandom for the last 12-18 months. I've scrolled Facebook from time to time, commented here and there. But for the most part, I've been checked out.

I've been battling alot in my personal life, but won't delve into that. In fact, I almost didn't make this post as one of my many many concurrent inner monologues likes to stress about if this will be perceived as vague posting and attention seeking, when that's the furthest from the truth.

I want to return to fandom. But most of all I want to return to writing. I miss having the energy and emotional capacity to string words together. So this is both an apology to those so patiently following my WIP, as well as an accountability post of sorts.

I cannot afford to throw myself headfirst into writing again, I need moderation or I will quickly burnout and extinguish the little spark that has only recently rekindled. But I do want to begin again.

My first step for re-engaging with fandom is going to be addressing and responding to each of the 102 amazing comments that have been left on my AO3 throughout my absence. These messages have brought me so much joy and motivation, but also guilt. To allow myself to write again I feel I need to work my way through these beautiful comments and show them the gratitude they deserve.

Then I plan on picking one of the two oneshots I started more than a year ago. They both have potential as an easy re-entry into writing, but I'm still undecided about which to choose first.

Option 1 is an 8th year hurt/comfort Panville oneshot that ends with loving, more emotional smut, though it has alot of trauma addressed throughout the fic and significantly more plot substance than option 2. I have 812 words written on this one so far and another 1722 of fairly fleshed out outline. This option is more progressed, though likely also more emotionally taxing for me to write currently.

Option 2 is my unfinished work for the 2023 Call Me Daddy fest. It is essentially gratuitous Billmione smut with a large serving of Ron bashing 😅 This would likely be less taxing to write, but in contrast to the Panville, only has 244 words down (which I honestly feel need work) and a basic outline of an additional 250 words.

I also desperately want to resume my Dramione WIP, Finding You In Solitude, but am at a heavy plot junction and don't feel I am capable of delivering that chapters content to the best of my ability with where I am currently. So I want to finish one or both of these oneshots before seriously working on my WIP again.

Anyway, if you've made it this far you're amazing and you should help me decide what to write first ☺️

[queeriboh]

ok speaking of older!Mokuba and unhealthy coping mechanisms, there's one I've been kind of wishy washy on whether to post or not because it requires a silent mutual agreement to go into this with a mature sense of nuance and understand the difference between sexualizing and general discussions of sex. again this is in the context of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and recognizing them as such. teenagers have sex. that's just a fact of life. I'm not going to go so far as to RP Mokuba in sexual scenarios or write smut about him, especially underage, that would be! really gross !!! but I do have headcanons about his experiences there.

because I think when he first starts thinking about dating and sex, around 14-15, he feels like he's too mature to have either with anyone his own age. he's been running a whole fucking company, he looks at other high schoolers and thinks they're so childish and annoying, and convinces himself he won't get to try those experiences until he's legally an adult anyway. but the older he gets, the more he feels like he's missing out on a normal experience for his age.

I usually headcanon Rebecca as his first girlfriend but then I rewatched her first appearance and realized she's younger than him than I thought so idk about that. but maybe he finds another young genius about his own age and thinks, "this is my only chance, even if I don't really like them, at least theyre on the same maturity level as me and I can finally try it."

and it's bad. that's not a good set up for a first relationship. they both think they're more grown up than they really are, and both end up getting hurt pretty bad emotionally. goes back to thinking he'll never get to have a normal relationship. even when he turns 18, other 18 years old will just seem like children to him. he finds himself interested in people older than himself, and he feels gross about that too.

iiiiiiii have one very specific fic idea I'll never write where he does try to come onto Yugi when he's not-quite-17. they've been hanging out for a while as friends and coworkers, he thinks Yugi sees him as a peer, maybe the power imbalance of boss and employee outweighs the age gap. maybe he's a little drunk. of course Yugi is a good person with a good heart who firmly shuts him down. he can't help but see Mokuba as a kid still, even though he's already towering over him in height by now. but it puts a massive strain on their friendship, with Yugi avoiding him outside of any kind of professional setting for a long while.

I think there's a short period around then that Mokuba engages in some. really risky and unhealthy behaviors, but he's smart enough to recognize that sex isn't enough to make up for the loneliness he feels, and ends up distancing himself from it by the time he's really an adult.