#The Fucking second hand embarrassment I felt with that one scene in episode 12 where he trauma dumps on this person he just met cause he-

[hollowflight-propaganda]

Alright everybody, I've been rewatching Steven Universe Future and if I was playing a drinking game of, "take a shot every time you relate to Steven," I'd be SO dead by now

[supercorp-hosie]

My thoughts for legacies 3x13: I’ll try to put the point chronologically

1. When Kaleb blew the candle, I’m so confused because the first thing that comes to my head is: he’s blowing that because is daytime, but why put it so far from Cleo? Why use a candle when you have electricity? And apparently I’m a fool, because that’s how the confinement spell works duh! I only recalled that when Alaric blew it in the end. I’m so dumb lol.

2. I love that Kaleb is the first to seek Cleo out, wanted answers and ready to accept them. When he tries to comfort Cleo in her memories, that’s me too! But apparently being the badass she is, she immediately come up with the idea of replacing her grandma to go with Malivore.

3. Poor Cleo! My heart sores when it started with a little girl, just like with Finch. She’s a hero! She’s so brave! She’s a queen! And weirdly she likes frogs(or toads?) very much. I wonder why. And although she tried to kill Hope last episode, I never see her as a villain. Never for a second. Instead I’m impressed. Tbh I didn’t understand why she is always playing with clay/mud since the beginning of this episode. But after her backstory, I just feel sad and proud at the same time. Sad because it’s shaped from her painful time of enslavement. Proud because she’s using the thing she learned from it against Malivore as her weapon despite the painfulness. I remember she talked about her sister dying, but nothing about that occurs in the memories. Did she lie before or it’s just another thing that the writers forgot?

4. ‘Jonch’ is horrible! I prefer Finsie as the ship name. Why is their moment always so cringy? I get this second embarrassment from them a lot, mostly from Josie tho. I always felt there’s something lacking in Finsie, just like what I felt when Handon started it’s kind of sudden. Maybe because of my perception, I really didn’t know why Josie think Finch is hot. I have to learn how to appreciate her beauty. But goof news, I actually appreciated Finsie first kiss, because I see why they haven’t kiss before, and why they finally kiss. It’s cute and the sparkling, haha. Tbh I start to appreciate Finch’s beauty from the kissing scene angle. But this episode, again, I still feel cringy in most of the Finsie scenes. I have to put my palm on my head. Anyway, I enjoy the “girlfriend” scene tho, like Finsie starting to grow on me(again, the first time is their first kiss, hopefully no more cringy afterwards). It’s really good to see Josie happy. Btw, since Finch decided to enrol, will she be the new alpha now that she defeated Jed? That’s good for her, she finally has a pack and no longer lonely.

5. Along with Finsie scenes, does anyone realise there’s actually other students there? And there are actually other witches at the school?? I remembered that there’s like only four witches? Because Josie was the only witch at the school when Berbelang!Hope happened? Annnndddd! To that! Does anyone remember there’s this girl Gaby/Gabby? She’s also a witch, and she loves dnd like Wade? They can’t tease us with Penelope using her then just let her disappear?

6. Oh great there’s actually other wolves at the school. I’m starting to think Jed is the only wolf left (of course there’s Hope, but she’s tribrid). As much as I enjoy Finch being badass that she can stand beside Josie, I felt so sorry for Jed and his actor. He’s been there for 3 seasons and yet Finch get a backstory before him. He has none! The actor is great, look at the siren episode! He hardly gets any decent lines and scenes now. Instead, they make him looked useless, hard to be respectable. Like anyone can just harm his alpha reputation. Justice for Jed please. Oh and the fact that Finch got a backstory before Kaleb too? It’s unacceptable. They deserve more. Jed doesn’t even have a last name, my god! Anyway that doesn’t change the fact that I want to hug baby Finch so much bc she’s adorable!

7. With MG gone, Kaleb looks like the only vampire left in the school. I miss MG. What about Ethan?

8. Josie and Cleo finally met! I’m glad that she’s learned something from her too. I think it’s true that other kids never felt as easy as Josie at the school. They finally addressed it.

9. I’m frustrated that Hope never wanted answers from Cleo. The only friend that helped her grieve. But hey maybe she’s too hurt to be able to bear Cleo in her sight. But then again there’s the Landon problem, so she’s off with Landon again. Only taking to Landon the whole episode, being the only one that only talk to one person in the whole episode. Feel bad for her about this. Poor Hope.

10. I really feel bad for Landon, because there’s a lot of hardships to make him like that. Someone please give him hugs and a therapist. The show is doing a full cycle by stating what he’d done is just like what Hope did when she returned from Malivore. I understand why he kept himself away, but weirdly, the way the let those words out, it feels like he wants to get back at Hope when I think he wanted Hope’s understanding. Maybe he wanted both?

12. Someone told me that every 13th episode is the episode where Landon’s power are explored. I kind of agree with it now. Because he’s finally having the fighting skills that he’s longing now. Finally he can achieve his desires to physically fight alongside Hope. For what though, I don’t know, because in the case of supercorp, Lena never needed it physically to be Supergirl’s partner in saving the world, or of course to protect Kara. Glad for him, anyway, bc that’s what’s he wants. And the blow to the head? It’s awesome.

11. I can’t believe Landon is blaming Hope for not coming to save him sooner?! What the hell? What happened to “I’m going to be the one that always fight to find Hope”, idk whether I quoted it precisely, but the meaning is there. I am furious. Is this some sick drama that the show wants Landon to think that Hope was not coming to him because she had a perfect version of him?? That aside, when I see that Handon is going to fight together physically, I actually think the scene is good and they will overcome the blaming thing, and going to be a power couple. Just when I have that thought, Landon have to fucking throw the artifact towards Malivore(whether it is Malivore I’ll discuss afterwards, it’s contradictory)!! That’s such a stupid move! Where’s your brain? And it’s broken, oh god. And the show have to show Hope being so weak during the fight. I mean why? She’s a badass, why do they have to make her weak to glorify Landon?? They made her look useless. These things just really kill the budding Handon spirit in me. The show really knows how to make people resent Handon and Landon. Just please change the show name.

12. Anyway to be fair, Landon do care for Hope and do love her. Before, though I don’t think they are endgame quality, I think that if they do improve, Handon endgame is tolerable, acceptable. But now, I’m not so sure of that anymore. Other than the above mentioned points, Landon did leave Hope for a solid third time. Why the show have to establish that for Handon when their fans desperately defended Landon that he wasn’t always leaving. I mean I’ve seen Handon shippers fought really hard against the “Landon is always leaving Hope” argument. What a way to make a couple being endgame. In Chinese proverbs, there’s a thing for a third time. Like the three strikes law, I think? It says not to do anything or tolerate anything undesirable that has happened more than three times. So please do not make Handon together ever again. It’s an insult to Hope too.

13. To see it differently, poor Hope will finally have time out of Landon to think of herself and her future. We need to see her having her own storyline. So maybe we can see Hosie eventually? Sorry Finsie for anticipating your break up in the future. But please enjoy yourselves when Hope grows on her own, because Josie deserves a decent relationship on screen too. Hosie didn’t interact this episode, I’m sad.

14. I just can’t help but wonder why Alaric oversee the artifact being destroyed so easily. And when Josie introduces Finch, she deserves a decent conversation with the headmaster, really. Oh he’s an adult, be a responsible and respectable one, especially you’re Josie dad. Help her with her impression with her crush. Alaric really need help, we need another adult figure. It’s okay that’s not Caroline.

15. I kind of thinking that Landon and Cleo are shippable too when I know that they are leaving at the same time. Cleo being the sole reason to Landon existence is one of the reasons to ship them. She’s the one that tell Malivore he can make vessels and create legacy, that leads to Landon existing. Not to mention she did literally made Golem Landon by hand (we all know the thing that Hope made doesn’t have a body, so Cleo must have made his torso and limps right). Or maybe we prefer wandon endgame? Wade is precious too, he’s the one that point out Landon is not himself.

16. I’m so confused by this episode Malivore. I thought Cleo trapped him inside that monster Handon defeated this episode. But if it was trapped this long? How did the pit, Clarke and Landon even exist? Did Malivore escape from it?? It must have escaped.

17. In the promo for the next episode, we’re seeing Lizzie and Hosie interaction! I’m excited! I think maybe Josie will be the one that bring Hope out of the cult’s enchantment. What will happen? Maybe they will realise something or develop something towards each other? Anything hosie that MAKE SENSE please. Oh and Hizzie friendship/banters, and Lizzie suddenly being and “angel” will be so fun to watch. Finally, the trio!

18. I know it’s irrelevant but since I mentioned Clarke, I miss Holarke. I have some shippable thoughts about Finch and Penelope too. P is the she-devil in good girl attire; F looks like a bad girl but she’s good hearted. They are both fiery, imagine what they’ll be like when they’re together, erupting volcanoes?

19. Applause to Aria’s acting skill, this is like the eleventh role he’s played in legacies? Original Landon, Hope’s (subconscious) Landon, Landon’s (subconscious) Landon, Josie’s SimuLandon, Hope’s therapy Landon, Malivore Landon, golem Landon, ptsd Landon, oni-possessed Landon, golem Landon micmicking Necromancer, Clarke-Landon. Keep up the good work!

[jasper-dracona]

Thought:

We’ve seen Castiel fight quite a bit, he’s actually decent at it, and he has plenty of cool abilities that we see him use like once and never again. He can shoot lightning down from the sky, twist knives that he’s not touching, and he’s obviously pretty good with a dagger/knife because Angel Blades. So, here’s my Supernatural Better Ending idea.

So, after the confession Dean and Sam fight like hell to get Cas back. But, they make a rule: No more of this self-sacrifice garbage. It always gets us into more trouble than we were in before, and it hurts us all. So, we get Cas back by any means necessary, except that. Spells, trickery, killing demons, angels, reapers, all powerful creatures we’ve never even heard of, whatever, just not ourselves.

And they succeed!! It was... oooohhh my god it was fucking hard. The boys need a fucking nap.

After said nap, they sit down and discuss what they all want, and what they’re gonna do next.

Dean says that hunting is really the only thing he’s ever known, it’s what he does best. Sam got a year off to think and feel what living in the real world is like, but Dean’s never really done that, and he doesn’t really want to. He likes kicking in the door of abandoned factories and killing whatever ghoul or ghost is traumatizing or killing the local townspeople.

Sam says that he’s really tired, even after that nap. He wants to live a normal life, and he feels like he’s got the chance because for once it feels like the world isn’t hunting them down, or that he needs to go hunt someone else down to go save them. He’s got a knack for fixing things, for making things work and tick, and well... there’s this girl... But, there will always be this little voice in the back of my head saying that there’s lives to be saved, there’s ghosts to be killed, so maybe I can still help out?

Cas says, he’s not really sure what he wants, other than to be with them (it goes unsaid but they all know he has a uhhh preference if he “must” choose between them)

And Dean pipes up that, well “we’ve seen you fight Cas and you’re pretty good at it, a bit stiff” Sam snickers a bit “but, uh, you can handle yourself quite well.” He snickers again. “You can use an Angel Blade, I’ve seen you shoot lightning down from the sky in the past. Why don’t you come with me on my monster hunting trips?”

“Would I have to learn how to use a gun?”

“It might be good to know, but there’s other ways of fighting that work almost as well.”

“Alright, I... like the sound of that” Cas says, as he cracks a little bit of a side-smile.

Dean, on a bit of a roll, says “and Sam, you’ve always been more partial to research anyway, would you wanna be our...” he pauses for a moment, because this is an emotionally charged title he’s about to offer Sam, and a lot of memories and feelings come flooding back. He smiles warmly and with pride, but undertones of sorrow creep in. “Our new Bobby? I mean, like, part-time since you want a mostly normal life, right?”

Sam, seeming a bit taken aback by this proposition “d- uh- y-yeah! I’d- I’d be glad to do that! Oh and uh, I was thinking, since I’m good at fixing things and making things work, well, I could maybe design you two some new tools. I mean, we’ve got salt pellets for the shotgun and iron tools, and silver bullets, but there’s gotta be other ways to further simplify those kinds of techniques, make them more efficient.”

Dean face lowers a bit and he seems... sceptical. He’s always been one for tradition, ��if ain’t broke don’t fix it” is a very old phrase and I think he’s a fan.

“Of course, never to the point where hunting would be un-fun. The danger is part of it! But, I wanna keep the number of hits you- two- (he pauses and gestures to Cas, getting used to this new dynamic) take before you kill whatever you’re hunting to a minimum, right?”

Cas, having been just kind of standing, listening mostly in silence until now, says “yes that would be good. Also, since the main weapon I use is an Angel Blade, would it be possible for us to get other, similarly styled blades for me to use? Because, as powerful as an Angel Blade is, it only kills some supernatural beings other than demons and angels.”

“Uh, yeah I’m sure we could get you that. I don’t think I could make it but I can definitely look into it.”

And then they go, they get right into a decent rhythm (I’m not technically caught up so the details of what’s going on with Sam are going to be lacking.) Sam goes and talks to his girl, tells her that he’s going to be living a mostly normal life from now on, just with a bit of research and a bit of tinkering. He gets a job as the local plumber, but also does work on cars, on electrical things. He’s kinda known around town as the fix-it guy. If you’ve got a problem or somethings broken, he’s a pretty safe bet. In his off time he designs this heavy cloth rope that’s been soaked in salt-brine and then dried, leaving it full of salt, so that you can more easily encircle a room with it. It works best for ghosts because they’re mostly incorporeal. He designs a little box, kind of like a craft supplies box, with a series of small tools and materials in each spot. Gold, silver, copper, a coin of each, a piece of iron, and all sorts of other little pieces of equipment and ingredients.

We jump to Cas and Dean, in The Car, having a laugh when Dean’s phone rings. Sam says he’s got a lead and that he has some stuff he wants them to try out while they’re there. He gives them the rundown and say he’ll mail the package to the local shitty motel.

Normal Supernatural episode stuff happens, they follow the lead, get the package, find the house, and get to work. And we get to see Dean and Cas dance-fight their way through like 12 ghosts. They flow around the room with such synchronicity, despite the difference in pace between their weapons of choice, shotgun and throwing daggers. A beautiful sweeping shot around the room of them annihilating ghost after ghost after ghost. The only interruption being that Dean takes just a second too long reloading and gets scratched across his left cheek. Cas quite promptly stabs that ghost in the back, and the room falls silent.

“I think we got them all.” Cas says, without looking around the room, eyes fixed on Dean.

“Thanks, Cas” Dean says in a near-whisper

“No worries. Let’s go get that patched up.”

Cut to Dean sitting on the edge of the trunk, with Cas patching up his cut. Can’t Cas heal people? Well... they prefer this ritual to magic-y insta healing, it’s not as fun. Cas will make sure it won’t scar, however. Cas finishes bandaging him up, and makes one more good press on it to smooth it out, leaving his hand gingerly on Dean’s cheek.

“There we go, all cleaned up.” He says, smiling and looking over Dean’s face once more, just to make sure that’s the only scratch, or is he looking for more personal reasons? Maybe both?

Dean was kinda looking off in the distance while Cas patched him up, but now he looks right into his eyes. He grabs onto Cas’s caressing hand gently, smiles ever-so softly and leans in and kisses him. It is the exact kind of kiss you would expect from Dean Winchester, if any kiss could be described as “gruff”, this would be it.

They both let go after a long moment, Cas’s eyes are full of so much: shock, confusion, excitement, joy, and for a split second, fear, thinking he might just get sent back to turbo hell the empty.

Dean however, simply has a cheeky grin on his face with a touch of embarrassment. “Y’know... we haven’t had a chance to talk much since you got back.”

“Uh- Dean- I...” it looks as though Cas’s mind is going about a trillion miles a second.

Dean revels in his love’s adorable awkwardness, that often shines through even if he isn’t the only one in his vessel, even if he hasn’t spoken, damn he’s the cutest. “I wish I coulda done that sooner. I just... felt I wasn’t ready. That one had to be 100% on my terms.”

Cas wants to say something, anything, but just- there’s so much happening in his brain right now he can’t- he just- ah! This is amazing but he just cannot get any words out.

“Hey uhh, you good there buddy? Did I short-circuit you?”

“I think maybe, yeah!” Cas finally says with a chortle and this expression of relief and excitement and at least a little bit of embarrassment.

We cut to the next scene, back at Sam’s house, giving reviews and suggestions about his inventions.

“Okay okay, I can probably fix that by adjusting the drying time based on the humidity, and you’ll probably need to keep it in an air tight container from now on.”

“Yeah I was uhh... a little distracted when we put it away last. Sorry about that.”

“It’s alright Cas, it’s good to know that proper storage matters for this one.”

Suddenly, a bunch of pinging comes from Sam’s computer.

“What’s that?” asks the ever-paranoid Dean.

“I set up a series of notifications on my computer to go off if it found any news article that had a series of key words. This seems like a big one, vampires most likely, telling by the key words it found. You guys down?”

“Always.” They say, in tandom. Somewhat surprised, they glance at eachother a moment.

Sam raises his eyebrows. His face then says the word “anyways” without him making a sound.

“The article says it happened in [town], [state]. A man was killed in the...” Cas and Dean step around the desk and Dean leans in to look at the laptop, both hands on the desk, Cas leans in slightly and looks intently as well. They begin to discuss, likely speculating what type of vampire and what to do as the camera pans back and up in an arc as Sam’s voice fades, Carry On Wayward Son begins to play (because it has to) and it fades to black.

(Honestly wanted to write that last scene as if it was far later, well after the kiss, so that I could mention an Easter egg, that would be for eagle eyed viewers if this was an actual episode, where Cas and Dean both had wedding bands. Couldn’t figure out how to make it work though, and not seems like a big, weird jump.)

[mtvswatches]

Crazy Ex Girlfriend 4x16 I Have a Date Tonight

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) I wasn’t expecting that!

2) This is not how you convince others that you’re not a crazy stalker…

The fact that she hunted her therapist down during her morning routine when they had an appointment in the afternoon is not helping either.

3) So, according to the rules, Nathaniel’s advantage is his money, Josh’s is his abs, and Greg’s… is a mystery?

4) WHAT THE FUCK? Paula is rooting for Josh? And Heather is rooting for Nathaniel?!

5) Well done, show…

VALENCIA: Okay, you want to talk about change? Let's talk about change. Greg has also changed a ton. He is practically a completely different actor now. And of course I'm saying "actor" in the political and legal sense.

Also, I’m with Valencia on this one. I can’t help but be Team Greg. But I wouldn’t hate it if she ended up with Nathaniel. Josh, on the other hand, that bitch I cannot stand.

I’m not completely on board with this whole love quadrangle thing, though, and I’m truly hoping the show is going to wow us and go in a completely different direction. I just want this journey to be about Rebecca and not her love life, you know?

6) OF COURSE, THEY’D ARRANGE A BETTING POOL…

7) WHITE JOSH IS FINALLY GETTING A SONG! IT WAS ABOUT DAMN TIME!

8) I truly loved that Paula-hating-on-Greg compilation, though. But they forgot to include the part where she gushes over his Italian good-looks. She’s always had a thing for Greg, in spite of how much she supposedly hated him.

9) Recreating their summer camp together was a very sweet move on Josh’s part, I’ll give him that. But there’s no way I’ll ever get behind Rebecca choosing him. EVER. Besides, it kind of feels as though he’s trying to rewrite history. Yes, they did have some nice moments back then, but it all ended with him unexpectedly breaking up with Rebecca when summer was over, quite possibly because he was already dating Valencia back then. It’s a sweet gesture, but I don’t like the implications of it.

10) I just can’t buy Josh’s sudden change of heart and his whole I’m-so-in-love-with-you spiel. Are we forgetting that he literally left her at the altar and thought becoming a priest was a better alternative to getting married to Rebecca? Are we forgetting how he treated her like she was his guilty, embarrassing secret, and consistently led her on while he was with Valencia? And are we forgetting all the nasty stuff Rebecca did in order to weasel her way into his life and manipulate him? There’s no way I can find any of this romantic at all…

11) Of course Greg would mess up his trying to get in Paula’s good graces… He basically called her a shitty mom. And Paula has a great point - how does he think that doing any of this for Paula would make Rebecca choose him? Greg is definitely the underdog, and I’m rooting for him.

12) Please tell me that we’ll meet Josh Chan from Azuza!!

13) There’s no way this is going to end well…

Everyone’s going to end up broken-hearted, aren’t they?

I like Nathaniel being presented as the second-best choice, though. He’s definitely grown much more than Josh, and he and Rebecca have come to understand each other so well. They’re in some way mirror images of each other (I’ve mentioned before how it seemed at times during this season that Nathaniel was on the same journey Rebecca had been in previous seasons.) But this date, albeit romantic and sweet and surprisingly unassuming, was so not Rebecca. It did look like the perfect rom-com date, with a fairy-tale kiss and a beautiful view and the rising music. It truly had it all, and I think in a lot of ways it was exactly what Rebecca used to believe she wanted and needed. But I feel this is not who she is anymore.

14) This was the weirdest, most unexpected reprise…

15) I don’t like Greg not being himself. He’s not the type to rent out a hot air balloon or dress in a tux or go all big with the romantic gestures. He’s the guy you eat tacos and drink beer soda and have the best time of your life with, doing absolutely nothing but enjoying each other’s company, you know?

16) Why is Rebecca backing out right before her date with Greg? This must be a sign. It has to be him.

17) So, when she was about to call him to cancel the date, she found him on the street with his car broken down and his tuxedo pants torn. I think this is the beginning of her most perfect date yet.

18) This must be a sign…

19) SEE WHAT I MEAN???!!!!! HOW COULD I HAVE GOT IT SO RIGHT???!!! THEY’RE FUCKING HAVING TACOS WHILE THEY WAIT FOR GREG’S CAR TO GET FIXED!!! AND IT’S GOING TO BE THE BEST DATE EVER!!

REBECCA: Really, you pick.

GREG: Okay, well, I picked last time.

REBECCA: Oh, you did, and we went to that Indian place, which I loved.

GREG: Mm-hmm. Do you want to do that again?

REBECCA: No, you know what I want? I want that new taco place.

GREG:  The one on East Cameron? I heard that's amazing.

20) I’M BROKEN

I’m crying, I can’t breathe. They didn’t even kiss. They didn’t even kiss, and I’m dead.

21) I know this wasn’t exactly a very eloquent recap of the episode, but I think this episode accomplished exactly what it was set out to do. It took me right along with Rebecca on her journey. Throughout the episode I felt like I was going through the motions, feeling that something was off, that I didn’t like where all of this was going. I didn’t think it was a great idea for Rebecca to go on these dates and get all swept up by these big romantic gestures because that doesn’t feel real. That’s not what love is about. It felt natural for Nathaniel and Josh to go out of their ways and take Rebecca on this rom-com/fairy-tale dates, but that has never been Greg, so that also felt totally wrong. But that ending? That feels right. Just two people who have a lot of history, know each other better than anyone else – thwarts and all – and enjoy having take-out together in the waiting room at the mechanic’s. Because that’s what you do with the love of your life when you get to spend the rest of your life with them. 

Regardless of what happens in the finale, this episode utterly destroyed me. I’m going to rewatch that last scene again.

 22)  Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[the-amaryka]

Unpopular Opinion:  I enjoyed season 8

So first, I’m mostly doing this to sort out my own feelings, but I DO think there are some things worth considering here.

To be clear, Enjoying something and thinking that something was perfect are different.  I enjoy plenty of things that are garbage and I do think this season had it’s fair share of flaws, but it’s not nearly as awful as some of ya’ll are ripping into it over.  In addition, regardless of if it is bad or not harassment of the creators is never justified.  EVER.  So if you feel the need to take out your frustrations on the cast/crew stop what you are doing then DON’T.

Sorry in advance if you’re on mobile cuz this is a long one under the read more.

Why I was able to enjoy it:

Three major things I always keep in mind going into a new season:

1.  Don’t watch it FOR the ship, enjoy the show for what it is.  I think the primary thing that has allowed me to enjoy each season is I try to watch it without shipping goggles.  At the end of the day, shipping is fun but it is for fandom and not the reason I’m watching the show, especially a show made for 7 year old boys.  

2.  I (along with most of the fandom on this website) am not the target audience for this show.  Voltron may be an abnormally good kids show, but it is still a kids show.  I have never walked into a season thinking that it is content made for me, and the things that are important to me just aren’t important enough to 7 year olds to have the time I want spent on them.  I have to be okay with that because as much as I would love to have a whole episode of Shiro really struggling with what it means to be a leader, and the weight of Adam’s sacrifice, the 7 year old this show was made for is going to be bored shitless and decide “I don’t want that Voltron toy for my birthday after all.”  So yeah, that is going to change the choices the crew makes when they create these episodes.

3.  This is a reboot.  Several different companies have BIG stakes in Voltron.  Things like LGBT rep are only going to go as far as ONE important old white man who thinks (insert your fave here) is straight.  Anybody who has followed me for more than 3 seconds knows I ship Sheith, but knowing how the entertainment industry works changed how I thought the direction of the series was going from day one.  If it was so hard for them to get even ambiguous ‘Takashi, how much do I mean to you’ when both Shiro and Adam are legally original characters, there is NO WAY the powers that be will allow them to gay up big names in the franchise like Keith or Lance.  For that reason I never expected a canon gay relationship between any of the main characters.  No Sheith, no Klance, no Pallura, no Hance.  I do believe it was important to the creators and they did they absolute best with what they had, but ultimately it was not their decision and a lot of ya’ll need to stop acting like you are performing some kind of holy service by harassing them about it.  They did their jobs as best they could and the fandom was pressuring them the whole time to make promises they didn’t know if they could keep.

For these reasons I was able to enjoy the new season for what it was: a reboot aimed toward children that I shouldn’t expect a primary romantic plot out of.  And honestly?  Thats what I got.  The only big romantic plot revolved around Lance and Allura and even that was only a handful of scenes.  I think the main problem with this fandom has always been people putting unrealistic expectations on a show that wasn’t aimed at them.  Why people chose to put all of their expectation eggs in the Voltron basket specifically is beyond me, and frankly a bit unfair to the people who made it.  But we don’t have to get into that right now.

Things that I enjoyed:

1.  Hunk is best boy.  I loved his and Lance's friendship shining through and when he turned into team mom.  Some highlight include:  “It’s happening tonight, young man!” “I’m sorry I yelled at you.  I’ll make you dog treats later.”  When he made that Altean dessert because he is so sweet and knows how to bring people together.  What a star, what a diplomat, what a fine, fine man. 2.  BaBy LoToR 3.  Seeing all the paladins in their under armor.  I would feel robbed because Shiro was left out but the entire series has been Shiro fan service so I’m not even mad. 4.  VERONICA AND AXCA BONDING?  NICE.  Didn’t expect to ship them?  I do.  Nice. 5.  Everything about Day Fourty-Seven.  A filler episode I genuinely enjoyed.  MY only wish is we could have gotten Keith and Krolia in an interview together and she went out of her way to embarrass him like “while we were in the Quantum Abyss-” “Mom, why are you doing this to me?” “I have 20 years of Mothering to catch up on, young man.” 6.  Shiro feeling like a bad ass and looking cool during the arm wrestling competition.  What a good. 7.  This was really Allura’s season, wow, what a queen. 8.  Keith giving Lance a bunch of pep talks and opening up to become not only a good leader but a good friend. 9.  Keith YELLING at the Zarkon mech because he had leadership responsibility feels. 10.  I did not expect to have FEELINGS over seeing young Zarkon. 11.  Honerva’s motivations were honestly....so honest.  So realistically human, you know?  It seems so fitting that this whole thing began with a rift into another reality, and a broken family.  And it ended with a rift into another reality, and that family finally being able to be at peace.  That is the theme that has been following us form the beginning: family.  And even the final villain just wanted to fix the damage that had been done to hers.  Though I do feel like her turnaround was a little quick, I can forgive it for kinds show reasons. 12.  Allura getting to hug Alfor again. 13.  Lance getting the stamp of approval from the dad. 14.  Speaking of which, even I thought the Allurance scenes were pretty cute despite not being a huge fan of the ship. 15.  The character development that is evident.  If you compare all these characters to who they were in E1S1 they are all vastly different.  The only exception to this is Coran, though I do feel like Allura’s is mostly internal and she has a way of conducting herself that can make it difficult to perceive. 16.  I am VERY SAD about Allura dying...but you know what?  I think this ending actually suited her.  I don’t think she would be satisfied withotu making a grand reality wide sacrifice.  She restored Altea, and returned into the fabric of space-time itself with her family.  This has been being foreshadowed since Season 1 to be honest.  She is always taking risks and wanting to keep moving and bettering things.  She is perfect and we don’t deserve her and in my heart she is the goddess of reality itself. 17.  The scene where the lions all came to life and flew away, and then that lovely art of them going into the rift.  I really think they went back to Allura, and the next time the Universe needs Voltron, it will be her spirit leading the way.  And honestly?  I don’t think she would want it any other way. 18.  The MFE Pilots grew on me... 19.  MMMMMBIG ROBOT PRETTY 20.  We got Shiro and the rest of the paladins piloting all together again. 21.  ALMOST Galra Emperor Keith.

The things I didn’t think were great:

1.  What the fuck happened to Ezor’s voice?  She only said one word and I thought she was dying? 2.  Keith and Shiro like...didn’t even talk.  And even without shipping goggles that just seems wrong to me.  Their bond has been one of the points the story has turned on.  We got all the build up but none of the payoff.  No shoulder touches, no ‘I’m proud of you, Keith’, none of the usual friendship or dynamic they usually have with each other.  It felt kind of empty honestly :(  And whats more is...Keith has been sacrificing and fighting and loving Shiro for 7 seasons now, and Shiro never got to repay him.  Like he wasn’t in his hospital room when he woke up and nobody can fucking tell me when Shiro said “spend time with the people you love” Keith wouldn’t be spending time with Shiro.  It just....feels so dissatisfying to see one of the major emotional bonds in the show not even be acknowledged in the end.  It makes everything Keith worked for feel...not...there.  Like what did all that mean in the end?  As many times as it takes but he gives and gives and gives and the only one who returns what he gives is Krolia.  It used to be Shiro returned it too, but now...  Even without it being romantic, their relationship was done a dirty.  I didn’t need canon Sheith I just needed some kind of acknowledgement that all the suffering they endured was worth it.  I wanted to see them happy. 3.  Despite what I said above I am sad Allura is gone. 4.  Shiro was hardly in the season at all actually :((((((((((((((((((( 5.  Yeah, as cute as the scenes were I’ve never felt Allura and Lance have a chemistry that makes their relationship sit well with me.  But I guess it was necessary to show how Lance has matured as a person.  I always thought they have the POTENTIAL for chemistry but it’s always fallen short for me.  Allura just takes her life too seriously and her walls never actually came down enough for me to see a connection there. 6.  James and Keith never like...talked?  I would have liked for them to have had a reconciliation like Keith and Lance did. 7.  Lack of Krolia. 8.  Something was off about Kolivan’s voice 9.  TBH, I feel like The real fulfillment for Keith’s arc would have been his teammates encouraging and lifting him up as well.  Display his emotional availability which was completely closed off at the start.  I feel like they may have just dropped the ball on a couple of character’s arc resolution but...eh.  You gotta pick and choose what to focus on when you have an ensemble cast, and 7 year olds just aren’t always interested in that. 10.  Woulda been nice to get a bit more detail on the nature of the rift creatures and some more clarity for a through line from the beginning thousands of Years ago to now.  Along with that exactly what kind of entity IS Voltron itself?  A lot of seeds planted that made a half attempt at being resolved but weren’t quite clear enough to create something cohesive. 11.  I can’t put my finger on why but overall it just feels...Incomplete.  Like there is still a pit in my stomach that doesn’t feel satisfied by the ending.  I’m not sure how much of that is the season itself, and how much is I’ve been involved in this show for nearly 2 years and it’s hard to let go, especially on something that doesn’t quite feel like going out with a bang.

Highly unpopular opinion in my neck of the woods:

That wedding at the end?  I’m happy about it.  Do I think its bad writing to marry off one of your main five to a rando we don’t even know the name of?  Yes.  Am I annoyed that the fandom was SO awful and so accusatory toward the showrunners they felt the need to shoehorn in a last minute wedding because they honestly felt bad when the truth is this has always been a glorified ship war?  MEGA YES.  They shouldn’t have felt like they had to make this bad writing decision on the behalf of fans who have treated them and their efforts like shit.  Shame on the people who treated them this way.  They tried so FUCKING hard to give us something and ya’ll threw it away and called them evil.  I get how you feel but damn why don’t YOU try to make social change happen in the entertainment industry and see how well your LGBT paradise vision goes over when there are dozens of other people with a say.  (I could go on about how poorly that was handled on both ends, but that is another point altogether.)

More than anything, I’m happy that some 7 year old kid who LOVES the badass Captain Takashi Shirogane is going to see him get married on screen and kiss a MAN.  Like holy shit, that is HUGE.  Do I think it could have been written better?  Absolutely.  But This show wasn’t made for me it was made for the 7 year kid out there is going to think “Shiro kissed a boy, maybe I’m not weird for wanting to kiss boys” and THAT is what Representation in children’s media is all about.  I’m going to celebrate this and everything else related to Shiro’s LGBT status because what matters to me way more than ships or satisfying romantic arcs is maybe when my little nephew sees his favorite character is gay he will be a little more open and comfortable when I bring my girlfriend to family dinner.

I think it would do the fandom (especially the Sheith shippers) some good to step back, take off their shipping goggles, and recognize this for the stride in Children’s media that it is. That being said I’m gonna be reading and writing the fix-it fics along with the rest of you, because fandom and how I enjoy the show can be whatever I want.

The conclusion and why I still love Voltron:

You know what?  Yes I felt a little let down by the writing, but Voltron is one of the first fandoms I’ve been so involved in and I have had such wonderful experiences while enjoying this show.  I’m never going to let some dissatisfaction ruin this for me.  The nice thing about fandom, is I can enjoy my version of the show however I want it, and it doesn’t have to effect how I feel about canon at all.  And when I take off my fandom goggles, this season was actually pretty enjoyable.

I encourage anybody who has enjoyed the show up to this point to put your bitterness aside and do what you’ve been doing from the start.  Create some content, consume some content, ship what you want, and don’t you dare let anybody ruin this for you.  You have good memories with this show, keep them good and move froward.

Peace out my dudes, I’m gonna be hanging out in Sheith hell for at least another 6 months.

It was an honor flying with you all.

[one-soul-two-brothers]

Ride, Sally, Ride

season 12 stories [part III]

Jared stepped outside his trailer, freshly showered and stripped of Sam. He started walking around set looking for Jensen. Before he’d gone to shower, Jensen had told him he only had one scene left to film and that he’d hopefully be done by the time Jared was all cleaned up. Jensen had seemed a little nervous, almost embarrassed, and Jared wanted to figure out why but he knew Jensen wouldn’t tell him. Normally that meant he would sneak around, stealthily following Jensen until he found out what was going on, but it had been a really long day of filming and Jared was tired and dirty and just really needed to shower. So he let it slide, but he did manage to wash off in record time, hoping to make it back to set before Jensen finished the scene.

He managed to get there in time, and oh god was he glad.

He walked onto the bar set where a large crowd of crew and cast were milling about. There was a low but excited buzz sweeping through the crowd so Jared pushed forward, weaving in between people who were obviously there just to watch whatever was about to take place. When he got closer his eyes immediately fixed on his partner.

Jensen was standing there talking to John, the director du jour. As Jared studied Jensen, making sure to stand in the shadows so that he wouldn’t be seen, he noticed that Jensen was only half-focused on what John was saying. His eyes kept flicking to the left, landing on the impressive form situated in the middle of the room: the mechanical bull.

It took Jared a few moments before everything clicked and he had to turn around and stuff a fist in his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Jensen was going to ride the bull. Jensen was going to ride the bull. Jared collected himself then turned back around and pulled out his phone. There was no way in hell he wasn’t going to get a video of this.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A few minutes later, Jensen nodded sharply to John and clambered his way over and onto the bull. Everyone in the crowd turned to see the show; people started hooting and hollering and whistling. Suddenly, music started blasting from behind Jared; someone who had known what was happening had come prepared with the perfect background music and high-quality speakers to make sure no one missed out on the fun.

As the first notes of the song washed over the crowd, Jared waited. He didn’t recognize the song, but a few moments later—

Mustang Sally, think you better slow your mustang down

Jared grinned and looked up a Jensen, who still hadn’t seen him yet but was looking extremely flustered.

“Oh, fuck you, Brad!” Jensen yelled, but the heat of the curse was missing due to the sight of him straddling a mechanical bull.

You been running all over the town now Oh! I guess I’ll have to put your flat feet on the ground All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride

Jared, who now had the camera on his phone aimed and ready to shoot, couldn’t hold it in any longer and started cracking up. His familiar laugh went directly to Jensen’s ears, who snapped his head towards the sound of Jared’s voice, finding the source immediately.

“Jared? Shit, Jared! What the fuck are you doing here? You were—“ Jensen was cut off when the distinct sound of an engine began to rumble, followed immediately by the bull tilting upwards slowly then leaning back down, steadily picking up speed.

Jensen had one hand up in the air and managed to get out another glare and a “Oh, y’all can go fuck yourselves!” before he smoothed his face over for the shot. This was going in the episode, after all, and he was supposed to look both drunk and happy. Jared just kept laughing as the blare of the music shifted from Wilson Pickett to Ram Jam.

Whoa, Black Betty (bam-ba-lam) Whoa, Black Betty (bam-ba-lam) Black Betty had a child (bam-ba-lam) The damn thing gone wild (bam-ba-lam)

Jared started jumping up in down in glee before he remembered that he was filming this, so he stilled himself, making sure to record every glorious moment of Jensen riding a goddamn mechanical bull. It was supposed to be for blackmail purposes, but as he watched Jensen, enthralled by his partner’s grace and sensuality and pure sex appeal, he felt blood start to rush south and realized that this video might also come in handy for some more horizontal-type activities.

She really gets me high (bam-ba-lam) You know that’s no lie (bam-ba-lam) She’s so rock steady (bam-ba-lam) And she’s always ready (bam-ba-lam)

Jared smirked at the lyrics, thinking they were very fitting for the situation that was currently developing in his pants. God, he was so glad he didn’t miss this.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen went through a few full takes of The Jensen Rides Scene™, as Jared was calling it in his head. He filmed the second one as well, as a backup, of course. But by the fourth take, Jared was leaning against something—he didn’t even look to see what it was when he shuffled to the side, a table or post, maybe?—and was gripping it hard, his knuckles white.

He was so turned on that he thought if he let go of whatever was grounding him, he might just fling himself over to Jensen and jump his bones in front of fifty people. So he gritted his teeth and bent down, hoping his shirt was hiding the impressive bulge straining at the fly of his jeans. After glancing around he realized that nobody would notice; everyone’s eyes were laser-focused on Jensen. Jared leaned there against the—oh, it was post—and let himself enjoy the show, occasionally shimmying or shaking along to the playlist that Brad had obviously gone to great care to put together for this monumental occasion.

Finally, after more takes than Jared could stand, Jensen hopped off the bull and walked towards Jared. Jensen was walking even more bowlegged than usual, moving carefully like right after he and Jared had—oh, god, Jared could feel his cock pulse underneath the layer of denim.

“Jay—“ Jensen began, sounding slightly pissed off. Jared didn’t care, though, he could barely think straight at this point.

“Shut up!” he said, grabbing Jensen’s wrist and dragging him towards the trailers.

“Dude, I need to shower then go lay down, preferably for three days. God, I’m already sore—“

“I said, shut up!” Jared hissed, wrenching the door to Jensen’s trailer open and pulling him roughly inside. He spun Jensen around and shoved him up against the door, reaching around to flip the lock.

“Dude!” Jensen yelped.

“You—“ Jared heaved before smashing his lips against Jensen’s, “—are—“ teeth on neck next, and god Jensen had been sweating and it tasted so good, “—driving me—“ Jared pulled back just enough to rip Jensen’s shirts over his head, followed quickly by his own, before baring his teeth back down on Jensen’s chest, “—fucking—“ he reached down, somehow managing to unbutton and unzip both of their pants before yanking them down, “—crazy!” he finished as he spun Jensen around so that his front was pushed up against the door and his ass was rubbing against Jared’s cock.

He nipped at Jensen’s skin, marking a line of bruises down his neck and over his shoulder. They tried to only leave marks in places that were easily concealed by clothing, but Jared knew that tonight, there was no way he could hold back.

“What’s—ungh!” Jensen choked back a moan as Jared started in on what was going to be a particularly impressive hickey,. “What’s got you so worked up?”

“What’s—are you fucking kidding me?!” Jared almost shouted before spinning Jensen back around, a look of incredulity on his face. Then he saw Jensen’s expression: the knowing smirk, the lust-blown eyes, the flush heating his pale skin. “Oh, you fucker! You did all of that on purpose?” Jensen just kept on smirking, lifting in eyebrow in invitation.

“Oh, it’s on!” Jared pulled Jensen away from the wall and they stumbled towards the bed, tripping over their pants and shoes before managing to kick everything away. Jared kept his lips attached to Jensen’s body, though it didn’t matter where. He got some lips, of course, a bit of ear, jaw, a nipple, a bicep, both hips, the inside of Jensen’s left thigh—how’d he get down there? Jared was momentarily confused, too turned on for his synapses to be firing properly—or at all—before he realized that they were already laid out on the bed. Jared was on top of Jensen but Jensen immediately flipped them over and straddled Jared’s hips.

“You want me to ride you, Jay?” he asked breathlessly, an evil glint in his eyes. Jared’s brain short-circuited and all he could do was moan. “Because I will. In fact…” Jensen lifted himself up and pulled Jared’s cock back, lining it up with his hole.

“Jen!” Jared managed to gasp out. Neither he nor Jensen were always the top or always the bottom, but for some reason Jensen very rarely rode him like this, and Jared was suddenly scared that Jensen was going to hurt himself.

Jensen slid smoothly down onto Jared’s cock, ass flush against Jared’s balls, and for a moment Jared thought he was going to come right then and there.

“What the fuck, Jen?” he breathed out.

“Knew if you saw that scene it’d drive you crazy,” Jensen whispered. He locked his knees around Jared’s hips before rising up and then slamming back down. Jared keened. “Knew you’d want me like this. Knew I wouldn’t wanna make you wait,” Jensen’s voice was hoarse with pure need, and he was setting a brutally fast pace. Jared didn’t think he’d last another two minutes. Hell, he’d be lucky if he lasted one.

“So…” Jensen continued, and Jared swore his lover’s voice was pushing him towards the edge as much as his ass was, “prepped myself before.”

“Oh fuck,” Jared moaned, “fucking hell, Jen.”

“You know—“ Jensen was gasping now, and Jared knew it was because he trying not to come yet, “how many fingers I got—fuck“ he moaned long and low as Jared angled his hips just slightly, hitting Jensen’s prostate every time he dropped down, “before I came?”

“Oh god, oh fuck, you already came? Shit, Jen how many? How many?” Jared begged. He had to know, and he knew that whatever number Jensen said would push him over the edge.

“Five,” Jensen breathed, and Jared came white-hot and harder than he had in months.

“Jen, Jen, Jen,” he panted. He could feel his come spilling into Jensen, filling him up so much that it started leaking out of him, which made Jared pulse a few more times. “Oh my god, Jen!”

“Fuck, Jay,” Jensen moaned as his hole fluttered and thick, sticky ropes of come spilled out onto Jared’s stomach.

“Oh, god, you—oh, god, I didn’t even touch you!” Jared’s eyes rolled back. They’d both come untouched before but it still drove him mad with lust every time it happened. “Fuck,” he said. He could feel his cock already start to harden again.

“Seriously?” Jensen lifted his eyebrows in surprise. “So fucking hot, Jay. Fuck, you’re gonna kill me someday, y’know that?” Jensen’s head rolled back in pleasure as he continued to ride Jared all the way back to hardness and over into oblivion again. Immediately after Jared came for the second time, Jensen came—again—untouched.

“Jay, Jay, Jay…” This time it was Jensen’s turn to chant his lover’s name.

“Oh god, oh god, ohmygod,” Jared moaned. “Jen, baby…”

He was vaguely aware of Jensen pulling himself off Jared and falling to the side, of wrapping his arms around Jensen and tugging him against his chest—come and sweat be damned—before Jensen passed out. He kissed Jensen’s temple and snuggled closer. Best scene ever was Jared’s last thought before his mind went black.

[theliterateape]

American Shithole #0 — Introductions

by Eric Wilson

I am penning this introductory screed on a weekday afternoon with CNN squawking at me in the background. The White House press secretary, Sarah Elizabeth Huckabee Sanders — looking like a confused and punch-drunk prizefighter — has taken one too many left hooks from the press.

I have grown accustomed to this angry, misshapen science experiment from The Island of Doctor Moreau — today draped in blinding fluorescent magenta — as she answers a daily barrage of questions from incredulous journalists. This is day seven (eight?) of Shithole-Gate, and what Sanders and her team have come up with is that sometimes Donny uses tough language.

Thanks Mrs. S.

Shortly after, I watched Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, straight up commit a felony, by lying in her testimony to Congress (including Senator Dick Durbin, who was with her in the Oval Office), culminating with a fiery Senator Cory Booker taking the fibber to task. We don’t see that every day. We didn’t used to, anyway.

Also, lying to the American people to protect this president, who has repeatedly demonstrated that if the roles were reversed, he would joyfully throw just about anyone under the bus, will not end well for her. Jesus, it’s like that fucking scene out of The Omen.

Some porn star named Dusty Windows or something, was paid $130,000 to keep quiet about what I imagine to be the world’s worst sex that she has ever been paid to perform. This sex was with the president, by the way. News that would lead during anything other than the apocalypse.  

Later still, Senator Orrin Hatch (congressional lamppost and patient zero for the aforementioned coming zombie apocalypse), took off his imaginary pair of glasses.

Let me repeat that. A sitting U.S. Senator took off his fucking pair of imaginary glasses.

Then, White House medico and disturbingly enthusiastic space alien, Dr. Ronny Jackson (whose nickname in medical school I imagine to be “McDolty”) answered questions cheerfully for far too long about the president’s health — again, to an incredulous press corps that could barely keep straight faces.

This is only a handful of the stories developing in one afternoon, now any afternoon in America. Every fucking day we are inundated with this madness. For the past year, I wake up like far too many Americans: my bones hurt, the colors are drab, and without fail I’m mortified to load my news feed.

Anywhere other than Bizarre-O-World (or whatever alternate universe, fucked-up, 12 Monkeys-meets-Hee Haw nightmare timeline we’re stuck in) these kind of events would dominate the news cycle for months.

The shelf-life for a news story these days, even a bombshell, is 48 hours, 72 tops. Less if another, larger story breaks. And now one always does, jamming up my feed, keeping the assembly line of atrocity rolling along so fast, I often struggle to do anything but watch it all go by. At this rate, in a year I will be writing about something two days old, that has already been completely forgotten.

That’s where we’re at.

Here’s where I’m coming from:

The now long-defunct Rykodisc Bill Hicks Message Board, where I cut my teeth writing short, comedic posts back in the mid-90s, seems born of a different internet. One where opinions were discussed, even argued without calamity. We enjoyed a regular news cycle, where major political events were infrequent at best. The community felt insular and remote. It was an island of misfit toys that had little in common other than their love for Bill, where no one was paying much attention and everyone was having fun.

Cut to the internet today, where every sparrow-fart tweet from Kommandant Bonespur jackknifes across the now orange-tinged information superhighway, like some sort of intelligence-dampening 18-wheeler spilling out propaganda like so many soiled Depends.

Welcome to the adult diaper days of American democracy, where Idiocracy is starting to look more like wishful thinking.

We are experiencing the dog days of late-stage capitalism and potentially the end of the Rule of Law. Today, if allegations of misconduct are leveled, the casket for your career (if you even have one) or for your life’s value, is a one-size-fits-all affair where sexual transgression is binary, and due process is the real crime. A pat on the butt and child-fucking are indistinguishable and identifying their differences only outs you as an enemy of the movement.

Republicans have ushered in the billionaire cash-grab part deux — the second fleecing of the masses in as many decades. The filthy rich literally stole everything from every struggling American they could. Twice.

I cope the same way I always have. I make fun.

One of my first stories at the Hicks board back in 1996, was about farting myself awake on an Amtrak train. As you might imagine, it was a high-brow narrative describing in great detail the hours of entertainment that event provided for young Jeremy — an idiot-child sitting behind me — who proceeded to mercilessly ridicule me the entire trip, much to the delight of the other passengers. It was one of those pieces that wrote itself.

Today, that same story would likely be scanned for offensive material, regarded with scorn for including a negative portrayal of a very young, possibly borderline mentally retarded child, then summarily dismissed as juvenile, puerile word-garbage. Does it offend? Shame it. Does it not offend? Ignore it. America has an almost clinical distrust of comedy developing and it fucking pisses me off.

For the past 20 years, I have written stories; about my own misadventures, mostly. These predominantly self-deprecating, embarrassing tales that made my friends laugh (which is surely one of the best fucking feelings you could ever have) also became the template for my writing style.

This kind of humor — the personal, self-reflecting kind — is perhaps the only safe comedy left. You would think a smart person would stick with that, if that’s what they already do, especially in today’s political and social climate.

But not this dumb-fuck.

Instead, I have foolishly (bravely?) offered to write a column where I will tackle all manner of nightmarish behavior and dark deeds contributing to our American Shithole.

Don Hall has welcomed me into the Literate Ape fold, and I look forward to connecting with my Chicago roots. My thanks to Don. Many of my happiest moments are Windy City moments, so an opportunity to rekindle my love affair with a city that was once so good to me, is much appreciated. (Also, if you haven’t seen Don laughing as if Patton Oswalt were the cure for aging and bad backs, then you should check out Patton’s most recent Netflix special, Annihilation. Don’s the one in the front row, center, reacting like a comedian’s wet fucking dream.)

I fully understand I am signing up for something that will likely offer as a return, many self-righteous kicks to my junk, public shaming, little remuneration and probably additional junk punches for a closer. For example, I am sure I will rue the day I write about Al Franken, but you know, fuck it, I’m definitely going to write about Franken.

Of course, at the breakneck speed this country is barreling toward an inescapable permanent shithole event horizon, perhaps that article will be met with an “Al who?”   

I also intend to find some humor winding its way through this cacophonous din of greed, stupidity, cruelty, misconduct, abuse and suffering. Not in a dismissive manner, nor needlessly derisive, or overly critical. I hope I have provided, but you know, pilot episodes are a bitch.

In an effort to facilitate, I have doubled my THC, CBD and TMZ intake, as well as my TLC personal happy time regimen.

A bit more about the author My language can be offensive, but my ideals are rooted in Scandinavian-grade socialism, and that means I’m nice, goddamn it. My core tenet is to always begin from a place of empathy. I fail miserably at this, because too many people are dicks. I am an off-the-scale leftist by American standards, a moderate liberal by Canadian, and a fairly typical middle-aged Chicagoan — if we are judging the city by my friends who still happen live there. I like dogs, funny people, the Clash and sobbing uncontrollably to Pixar films.

Mission Statement American Shithole promises to at least occasionally make you laugh like a middle-aged doofus sitting front row at a Patton Oswalt show. OK, not that hard. American Shithole also promises to stop with the third-person bullshit real fucking quick, just give American Shithole a fucking second. Finally, American Shithole promises to reserve the most vicious critique for the creator of American Shithole — that wanker.