#The Dallas Connection

[cimmerian-war-shrine]

[cinemajunkie70]

A very happy birthday in the afterlife to Julie Strain! Truly one of the greats who left us too soon!

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Dallas Connection (1994)

The Dallas Connection is hilariously inept. In many ways, it’s got everything you want out of a "so bad it's good" action film. The performances are awful, with the title of “least convincing” constantly moving from one actor to the next. The plot is simplistic, bordering on idiotic, making it easy to follow even if you’re spending more time shouting insults at the screen than paying attention to what’s going on. The script contains gems like “I’d like to suck the polish off your toes” to keep you laughing. There aren’t a lot of action scenes but when bullets are exchanged, they usually result in some unconvincing dummies blowing up. Most important of all, it takes itself completely seriously, with several final act twists proving that some of the “mistakes” we saw previously were actually intentional. Only one thing prevents me from wholeheartedly recommending it to everyone. What is it? Read on.

A trio of beautiful assassins - Black Widow (Julie Strain), Cobra (Julie K. Smith) and Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton) - eliminate three of the four scientists involved in the creation of an advanced satellite system. To ensure Antonio Morales (Rodrigo Obregón) doesn’t fall prey to the same fate, special agents Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall), Mark Austin (Mark Barriere), Samantha Maxx (Samantha Phillips) and Nicholas Lang (Roland Marcus) are sent to protect him.

Though the plot is easily summarized, it’s made to seem needlessly complicated. This is because of some equation that was split up among the scientists and then converted into microchips that need to be brought together so the satellite can be activated by a meteor shower. This will allow whoever uses it to detect any weapon on earth, anywhere - even underground. Huh? What? It makes no sense but doesn’t matter. The point is, we have a bunch of male scientists with something the evil people want. How do you get a man to hand over something useful? By seducing them, or blowing them up. Enter the trio of female assassins, all of whom are played by Playboy playmates. Like I always say, if you can’t be good, be sleazy and this movie takes that mantra to heart. Unnecessary shower scenes, prolonged sex scenes, a trip to a strip club and loads of inappropriate outfits make this the kind of movie that would be watched over and over by teenage boys late at night. It’s not quite as bad as Skyscraper, but it’s close. The most hilarious R-rated moment has to be a sequence set in a fancy restaurant. Mr. Morales begins fantasizing about what his bodyguard would look like in lingerie so of course we see Samantha Philips out of her clothes. They had to find some way to get it done… beyond the sex scene she had earlier.

While this obsession with the female body is hilarious and pleasing to anyone who might enjoy the female form… it might also be the one thing that won’t make The Dallas Connection fun for every crowd - especially if your group contains couples. Reportedly, Bruce Penhall’s wife was pretty upset by his enthusiasm in the hot tub scene. It’s easy to see why.

The ladies were cast primarily for their ability to dazzle audiences with their shirts off but the male characters aren't exactly Shakespearean all-stars either. One-liners that should have you cheering will instead make you groan, important dialogue is thoroughly unconvincing (and contains grammatical errors at least once) and everyone comes off as an idiot. It certainly doesn’t help that the story is full of inconsistent behavior - even if you take the twists at the end into consideration. You can spot a boom mike in the upper left corner of an early scene and the story will have you scratching your head. You’d think with the villains’ team being primarily composed of three “strong” women that Samantha would be the big hero at the end. She’s the only one that can’t be seduced, she’s the one that gets closest to Morales, and as the only woman on the team, she stands out. Except she’s a terrible agent. One punch and she’s down for the count - hardly a badass. You might say I was expecting too much but some of the reveals at the end are proper "Oh!" moments that force you to pause and think. Not much, but for a movie of this level, that counts for a lot.

Ultimately, The Dallas Connection is light on the action but makes up for it with the gratuitous nudity. At first, you'll say “Alright, I see what you did there” but it’s expected out of a film like this one. It’s what the poster is promising, after all. The third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. time the film finds a way to get the women out of their clothes are so absurd you'll be howling. Once in a while, it also switches things up with some bad performances, unconvincing dummies, lousy dialogue, and nonsensical writing. From my research, it sounds like this is par for the course for director Christian Drew Sidaris. If that's the case, I’m looking forward to seeing more. (March 26, 2022)

[davidwatchedthat]

4/9/24

THE DALLAS CONNECTION, direction by Christian Drew Sidaris, 1994.

[sokkas-therapist]

The Zvtara fans have Dante Basco as their “leader” of the zutara fandom, now Zukka nation has Dallas Liu and Ian Ousley standing for our cause‼️‼️

I haven’t seen this much zukka and atla fan content being put out since the og show came out on Netflix! We’ve got the good the bad and the very ugly, but the fandom is back baby

[starscelly]

held tenderly by a ref

nsh@dal 01.06.24

[kitnita]

espn: these NHL nickname jersey concepts just make so much sense 👏

[t4tails]

theyre always adding more streets and frontage roads and connections to highways when can we stop when is it over please god our texas spaghetti highways are already fucked up stop adding to them and consider planting some TREES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. its so grey here

[se-hinton-confessions]

Bad habit by the offspring is Dallas core

.

[sncwonthebeach]

GUYS IM NOT READY TO SEE MICHAELA IN ABSOLUTE DEVASTATION OVER ZEKE-

JARED YOUR STUPID ASS BETTER LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE I STG

[theninjamouse]

I treat myself to a steak after the hard weekend, and it's too spicy for me to eat

[kieraplume]

Manifest. Finale table read.😥🤧✈️♥️

[channelrat]

If Danny has Dallas, and joint custody of Vin with the Queens, is he also semi adopting Lucas because despite her initial feelings on him coming to this earth, we all know Vin and Lucas are tethered

wait i never thought about this you're right Danny should get Lucas too why not

he's gonna need to move out of the 1 bedroom apartment me thinks

[milfygerard]

there was a weird phase for awhile on this site where everyone pretended that gerard was like a shitty mid tier comic writer and like. You guys dont read enough comics. you dont know what bad comics look like.

[starscelly]

now that you're home, i dont have to be alone.

saad yousuf, twitter / vgk@dal 5.25.23 / adrienne rich, sleepwalking next to death / miro heiskanen, instagram / amal el-mohtar, this is how you lose the time war / x / Stars' top pick Miro Heiskanen talks at NHL draft / x / "the pull of you" by the national / dallas stars, instagram / Stars' top pick Miro Heiskanen talks at NHL draft / dallas stars, twitter / ernest hemingway, the garden of eden / miro heiskanen, instagram / x / dal@sea 3.11.23 / the letters of vincent van gogh / yle tv2 promo / lighthousekeeping, jeanette winterson / dallas stars, twitter / (caption) "woof woof" by arthur

[kitnita]

wyatt johnston postgame   —   LAK vs DAL   —   01.16.24

[um, not to make more than it maybe should but, like, have you talked to joe about, when you get put on the line that he’s kinda been on, about what it’s like to play with those guys and things like that?]   a little bit. i think, um — not as much, you know, kinda like today or the past couple days but … just kinda, always? just kinda the way that those guys kind of stay tight and they’re always connected, always, um … just making small plays to each other. i feel like that’s one thing that he’s always kinda talked about, and that’s, you know, we try to take that from them, they obviously — um, you know, play really well together. um, so yeah, i just think kinda learning and then seeing them play and then, um, for me, just trying to jump in and, um, do, do the best thing to help them. [playing next to roope, just, what do you see from him and how he’s able to drive a line? he does good on the PK and powerplay too, but, how he’s able to play.]   yeah, um, i mean, he’s a lot of fun to play with, he can, obviously, shoot the puck really well, um … really good vision, can make some really good plays and obviously he’s, you know, one of the fastest players in the league, so, i mean, he can really do it all, which is — you know, makes him a lot of fun to play with. and, um, yeah, i think for me it’s just … um, i mean, trying to find him, i mean, he’s pretty good at finding open spaces and he’s good at finding you when you’re in an open space. um, yeah, i mean i think overall, just a lot of fun to play with. um, yeah, obviously, you have a really special player.