#Mark Barriere

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Dallas Connection (1994)

The Dallas Connection is hilariously inept. In many ways, it’s got everything you want out of a "so bad it's good" action film. The performances are awful, with the title of “least convincing” constantly moving from one actor to the next. The plot is simplistic, bordering on idiotic, making it easy to follow even if you’re spending more time shouting insults at the screen than paying attention to what’s going on. The script contains gems like “I’d like to suck the polish off your toes” to keep you laughing. There aren’t a lot of action scenes but when bullets are exchanged, they usually result in some unconvincing dummies blowing up. Most important of all, it takes itself completely seriously, with several final act twists proving that some of the “mistakes” we saw previously were actually intentional. Only one thing prevents me from wholeheartedly recommending it to everyone. What is it? Read on.

A trio of beautiful assassins - Black Widow (Julie Strain), Cobra (Julie K. Smith) and Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton) - eliminate three of the four scientists involved in the creation of an advanced satellite system. To ensure Antonio Morales (Rodrigo Obregón) doesn’t fall prey to the same fate, special agents Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall), Mark Austin (Mark Barriere), Samantha Maxx (Samantha Phillips) and Nicholas Lang (Roland Marcus) are sent to protect him.

Though the plot is easily summarized, it’s made to seem needlessly complicated. This is because of some equation that was split up among the scientists and then converted into microchips that need to be brought together so the satellite can be activated by a meteor shower. This will allow whoever uses it to detect any weapon on earth, anywhere - even underground. Huh? What? It makes no sense but doesn’t matter. The point is, we have a bunch of male scientists with something the evil people want. How do you get a man to hand over something useful? By seducing them, or blowing them up. Enter the trio of female assassins, all of whom are played by Playboy playmates. Like I always say, if you can’t be good, be sleazy and this movie takes that mantra to heart. Unnecessary shower scenes, prolonged sex scenes, a trip to a strip club and loads of inappropriate outfits make this the kind of movie that would be watched over and over by teenage boys late at night. It’s not quite as bad as Skyscraper, but it’s close. The most hilarious R-rated moment has to be a sequence set in a fancy restaurant. Mr. Morales begins fantasizing about what his bodyguard would look like in lingerie so of course we see Samantha Philips out of her clothes. They had to find some way to get it done… beyond the sex scene she had earlier.

While this obsession with the female body is hilarious and pleasing to anyone who might enjoy the female form… it might also be the one thing that won’t make The Dallas Connection fun for every crowd - especially if your group contains couples. Reportedly, Bruce Penhall’s wife was pretty upset by his enthusiasm in the hot tub scene. It’s easy to see why.

The ladies were cast primarily for their ability to dazzle audiences with their shirts off but the male characters aren't exactly Shakespearean all-stars either. One-liners that should have you cheering will instead make you groan, important dialogue is thoroughly unconvincing (and contains grammatical errors at least once) and everyone comes off as an idiot. It certainly doesn’t help that the story is full of inconsistent behavior - even if you take the twists at the end into consideration. You can spot a boom mike in the upper left corner of an early scene and the story will have you scratching your head. You’d think with the villains’ team being primarily composed of three “strong” women that Samantha would be the big hero at the end. She’s the only one that can’t be seduced, she’s the one that gets closest to Morales, and as the only woman on the team, she stands out. Except she’s a terrible agent. One punch and she’s down for the count - hardly a badass. You might say I was expecting too much but some of the reveals at the end are proper "Oh!" moments that force you to pause and think. Not much, but for a movie of this level, that counts for a lot.

Ultimately, The Dallas Connection is light on the action but makes up for it with the gratuitous nudity. At first, you'll say “Alright, I see what you did there” but it’s expected out of a film like this one. It’s what the poster is promising, after all. The third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. time the film finds a way to get the women out of their clothes are so absurd you'll be howling. Once in a while, it also switches things up with some bad performances, unconvincing dummies, lousy dialogue, and nonsensical writing. From my research, it sounds like this is par for the course for director Christian Drew Sidaris. If that's the case, I’m looking forward to seeing more. (March 26, 2022)

[milkybishop]

"- but with whom can you sit in water?"

and who can hop in the bath with you to make a show of not caring about your tattoos, and how can you not find it hard to hide your disdain at the attempt.

because either this is a trap you have blindly walked into again . . . or he really does love you and could have loved you all this time. and despite all that-

you cannot turn from the path that you are on.

[gothicseverance]

The viewer experiences moments in which emotionally-charged voices and images are mediated through technological devices such as telephones, microphones, tape recorders, video cameras and even television. Such technological reproductions, because they are reproductions and not “originals,” are themselves ghostly. And the final device transmitting these extremes of fear and love is the television set. Television becomes the ghost in the home.

—Twin Peaks and the Television Gothic

[itissadbutitsmy-artblog]

the first time you go to bufos classroom and the second time

[darkwood-sleddog]

yeah sorry neighbors your dog does absolutely *not* stay behind his invisible "fence" and absolutely does *not* listen to you.

[sleepyminty]

Guys i just discovered there’s a prequel story of shibito magire in bilibili, if anyone find these videos pls share or translate it tks

[licollisa]

Since you did a take on Sans' personality, how about Papyrus? He's my favorite character but I always see him characterized as some childish and ignorant character that just likes spaghetti and puzzles when he's really so much more! That's just what I think though. What do you think?

(I saunter over the middle of the stage, holding a mic in one hand and a pillow in another)

Right. Okay, okay so I'm just going to assume the one's reading this is well aware of the… being 'infantilized' thing fanon Papyrus got going on.

Wholeheartedly agree about Papyrus being more than most of his (inaccurate) portrayal of being childish or ignorant. Like this shit, more often than not, always happens to KIND characters and if anything peeved me more than that one time I accidentally slept through the deadline of my midterm exam it's slander towards any good-natured characters (and I already wrote 12 pages for that thing!!).

Just like the former tumblr sexyman, he's often flanderized beyond recognition. Except a lot of the exaggerated traits are just made up?? Like where'd you got him being dumb from?

I'm just kind of highly suspecting that there's this notion that being kind and positive in the face of... pretty much anything horrible that could happen to him across timelines equates to stupidity. Somehow. Instead of thinking wow that's cool as shit. Trying to keep the hope thriving when you've got every reason not to, in spite of everything, would be anything but brave and rad as hell. Err something about the difficulty of being kind and the effortlessness of evil.

Another thing that's been microwave rotating inside my head is how fanfic writers counter this strange phenomenon. I'm super aware writing a character perfectly accurate is like the chances of Toby making skeleton ectos a thing: impossible. So when he's written to be this perfectly flawless and paragon of an adult person where the only recognizable thing about him is his speech in full caps and hatred for all things bad puns, well, I'll take neurotypical Papyrus over the infantilized one any day.

But that's just my personal take! I know I come off strong about this but I'm mostly just being dramatic. Again, Papyrus is fictional so I'm not going to put him above any actual person. Maybe you already did your best to write him and that's cool of you.

(I put down the pillow, and straighten myself up to hang the mic over and drop it. I missed and the mic shattered to pieces. The curtains are drawn.)

[natjennie]

do NOT message me. I'm busy mourning all of the languages I'll never learn and countries I'll never visit and books I'll never read and foods I'll never eat and art I'll never see and history I'll never know and skills I'll never have and events I'll never be able to go to and people I'll never meet and hobbies I'll never try. btw.

[warningsine]

"Why are the goats there? Does Lumon use them for dead people's consciousness until they get new bodies (the dead Eagans, the Board)?"

The goats give the company and the Eagans those tasty eggs Helena doesn't eat but Helly likes. :)

[martyrmarked]

thinking about jaws of hakkon

[badmovieihave]

Bad movie I have Snow White and the Three Stooges 1961

[gothicseverance]

The unspeakable here is an interpersonal barrier where no barrier ought to be — language is properly just the medium that should flow between people, mitigating their physical and psychic separateness.

—The Coherence of Gothic Conventions

Gif by @stewy 🖤

[spotaus]

I was just possessed to show you guys this thing I commissioned from someone years ago (@/gumballfan13 , I am unsure of their current social medias-) but this is Ichor's actual like- his legit ambient music

Obviously I want y'all to go support this guy because on-god is their music-mixing fire, but also I forgot about this and!!! I want to use it for something here soon!!!

[theflyingfeeling]

because today seems like a great day to make unwise decisions, I secured my ticket to BC's Berlin show and am about to do so with Leipzig as well, but is it just me or is there no pdf-ticket (€ 0.00) available for Leipzig?! 🤨

[nice-profession-mechanic]

Thief considering what their EoD elite spec should be: I don't want something heavy this time. Rifles were so heavy I had to sit down to use them.

Engineer: You were kneeling, you weakling.

Thief: You guys looked so small from 1200 range, I should try to be closer this time.

Mesmer: Can I teach you how to use an axe?

Thief: I refuse to learn how to use a weapon correctly, seeing how mad shortbow ricochets makes you gives me 10 seconds of aegis.

Mesmer: My ricochets make sense because they're magic, it's just a bow?l! How does it work?!

Thief (Aegis [10 secs]): I'm thinking about inventing a skill that heals someone.

Guardian: Not only do we all have that, but I can heal everyone.

Thief (Aegis [6 secs]): Nah, I'm selfish. I'm gonna pick one person on the team and keep them alive through a party wipe. The rest of you can die of jealousy.

Elementalist: After some experimentation: Scepter is my lightest weapon, wanna try that?

Thief: Yes! I'm gonna be so lazy this expansion. I'm gonna put all my points into looking fierce and teleporting everywhere.

[namelessprince]

TIDE AND MARK ARE HERE!!