#That I might be able to do right after the psychiatrist appointment

[letomills]

The "requests are paused until I'm done with the current ones" thing was wishful thinking (a bit like the closing statements in my last yt video 🤓) and I am once again thoroughly overwhelmed with everything.

Requests are firmly closed until further notice. I said yes to the FtM hairs for anon and the Tiggerypum tunics & iamliz13 alpha dresses for children & toddlers for the other anon (I did get the links you sent to the meshes), so I still intend to complete both.

A novel's worth of life updates under the cut (content warning for struggle with bipolar type 2, including questionable choices which should not be taken as advice).

Well over a year ago I shared that my mother was going through a really bad bipolar type 2 depression episode (looking back, mention of it in that post was very euphemistic, I must have been hopeful). The reason why I didn't give any updates after a while is that there is no satisfactory narrative that I could easily spin into words. She's not all better, she hasn't died or lost her mind for good, things have just been evolving at a snail's pace through a whole spectrum of very bleak colors. She's not fully hospitalized anymore, she lives at home with my brother and me, with day hospitalisation activities several times a week. The myriad psychiatrists that she's seen have not been able to find the "right" treatment for her, but hey, after lithium sent her into such a state of confusion that we thought she might stay mentally disabled for the rest of her life, at least now we know that's not an option. A couple days ago her psychiatrist prescribed a new antipsychotic to replace the one she'd been taking. She started the transition, and today confusion started showing its terrifying face again so she's not taking that pill tonight, or to be honest ever again unless her psychiatrist somehow manages to convince us otherwise (she'll report her symptoms and get counsel at the hospital tomorrow). Her cognition is already impaired, her short-term memory and ability to focus especially. She can't live alone, I keep and manage her pillboxes, make sure she's eating right and the stove is off, that sort of stuff. But at least, until the introduction of this new drug, she'd made considerable gains compared to when she was at her worst last winter. No way we're going back to that again.

On a more positive note, about a month and a half ago I started work at a grocery delivery place just up the street (yes that's what I'm doing with my degree in Mandarin and my master's in English-French translation studies). It's intense physically, kinda stressful, and not very well paid, but I think I like it and the people are very nice. What scares me is that my trial period ends in about 2 weeks and I'm not entirely sure that they'll want to keep me, considering I've made several mistakes and they don't seem to think that I work quite fast enough (I know I said the people were very nice, they are, that's just the job). They keep saying the work load is gonna get crazier starting in September. The way they're saying it may suggest that they do envision me as still working there in September, but maybe they're trying to push me to work faster now and if I can't prove that I'm able to they won't keep me? Well I'm already doing my best, even if sometimes I end up finding myself crying over clients' items because my brain isn't able to focus anymore and I'm messing up and wasting time.

Emotional control has been harder because I unilaterally made the decision to taper off my antidepressant. Now before you facepalm, let me flood you with all of my best questionable arguments: • I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist, the earliest date I could get was October 1st (and I may have to postpone, depending on my work hours that day which I don't know yet). • I was already on the lowest dose that you can be on. • I tapered off very slowly. • I recently talked about it with the nurse that I saw for the mandatory medical visit I had to go to because I got the new job (idk if you have that outside of France). Naturally she was alarmed that I'd been weaning myself off on my own and she convinced me to see my GP asap and not change my medication without at least his input (which yes, I know). • the reasons I did it despite knowing that it's inadvisable are: 1) obviously I haven't been feeling depressed for a while or I wouldn't have done it, 2) the amount of endorphin-producing physical exercise I get from the new job felt like it could maybe do the trick so it was worth a try, 3) seeing how much my mom's medication has messed up her cognition over the years is scary. She's been taking way higher doses of antidepressants than me, along with other stuff, over a way longer period of time, but still. I don't want to be on it if it's not strictly necessary, so I wanted to try off. • I'm still taking my antipsychotic religiously and have no intention to stop that (I can't anyway or I won't be able to sleep and I'll definitely lose the job).

My plan with the antidepressant was to space out the doses and eventually get off it entirely for several weeks before reassessing, but after seeing that nurse, I started upping again to one dose every other day. I will admit, I was having suicidal thoughts after several days off, and now it's gone. Maybe I should find having suicidal thoughts more alarming than I do, the nurse's phrasing when she asked if I did - something that could translate to "no suicidals thoughts, riiight?" - was a good reminder that suicidal thoughts are really bad to have oh no. Of course I said no, why would I want her to interfere (leave me to make decisions for my own self thank you). Anyway, the appointment with my GP is in two days. He's gonna be useless on psych stuff but I guess getting his unqualified, predictable input is the responsible thing to do in polite society. More relevantly, the nurse also told me to go see him because my blood pressure is a bit low, or at least it was at 9/6 when she saw me, so I need to have it retaken and see what's up with that if anything.

And so yes, I have a ton of CC plans as always, I am positively drowning. Beside the two requests I mentioned above the cut, one of which I need to do a lot of learning for, I picked up work on Celestialspritz's beta Vincent skins and started converting afbodykimono for the usual roaster of breasted body shapes, like I did with afbodyqipao here and would like to do with more Happy Holiday Stuff outfits in the future. Although I told myself that I would stick to the body shapes that I've already done stuff for, I now also want to make a set of clothes for Lady Apple. I also have an idea about a set of scrawny body shapes for TU-EU inspired by Mrs Crumplebottom's body shape. I know Melodie9's slim family exists but to be honest those shapes creep me out and I want to see if I can do something less uncanny (it may end up looking too similar to the Androgyny body shapes, or to Faerie Gal, or it may not pan out at all, so don't hold your breath). I also want to do a ton of hairs in FakeBlood's palette + Naberius (tbh I'm still not 100% sure if I like Timebomb or Naberius more for my aliens, I need to figure that out once and for all). And of course I want to do more FtM & MtF hair conversions once I know how to do it well enough. There's a billion smaller projects I'd like to insert in between those, outfit conversions for one or a couple body shapes, repurposing of older meshes, a set of nude "outfits" for all the body shapes I do, etc.

[oldladynerd]

Well fuck.

Just need a little self pity session here. Feel free to ignore. And yes, I'm fully aware others have it worse. Like my child currently in a bipolar depressive episode of more than a year.

I'm not totally sure what's going on. Maybe a regular depression despite medication. Maybe some sort of burn out. Just mostly paralysed, sitting in my sofa corner. Occasionally crying, but mostly numb. Or anxious and quiet.

Went home from work before noon on Monday. Tried going back on Thursday, but left after half the day. Managed to get some things done, which didn't require much thinking, but as soon as I needed to make decisions, I was out. Complete nope.

Maybe the little things were adding up? The inspection at work (I was in the back office pulling out data and documents, never had to front), which went super well. A bunch of evaluations I need to do, which are not showing a tidy picture. Bunch of configuration changes that need approval before doing them. Worry about my (grown up, moved out and engaged) child (but bipolar). Shame about not keeping in touch with dad much. Gaining weight. 2 kg in about a month is a bit much. Aches and pains, although right now that's better. High blood pressure. Maybe it's all menopause? And shame over not quitting cigarettes. Most days, 3. On a bad day up to five cigarettes. It's not a lot. I should be able to quit. But am lacking willpower.

I do have a psychiatrist appointment next week, at the adhd clinic, because at my last request for renewing my antidepressants they realised it's been 3 years since i saw someone. Will bring up that list of signs of autistic shut down, where I checked off more than half. Might look at autistic burn out too, since this is slower than immediate shut down. Maybe ask for some adhd medication, I stopped methylphenidate abruptly because of blood pressure after a year, and have no adhd meds since then. My evaluation five years ago showed tendencies of autism, but not enough for diagnosis.

I also have an appointment with the GP, the week after next. Will try to remember all my physical issues then. Maybe hormones might help.

Oh well. I shall survive, for sure. It would be nice to feel a little happier though. The occasional moment of joy.

[mirror-imaged]

i don't know if i've ever told this story on here but i feel like i should because it's insane and goddamn hilarious in a sort of What. way. but.

i had the somewhat good fortune of finally getting a referral for autism testing, which i hadn't actively been seeking due to not wanting to have the legal complications that come with an autism diagnosis on your record (it's complicated...) but the clinic with the best results kept refusing to get back to my psychiatrist over a period of four months. which sucked but he referred me to another guy for the sake of actually getting results, so i could deal.

i went downtown for this appointment and we ended up in the wrong building, because. the appointment listing was... at the wrong building. it was a four story old house converted into an office space for therapy and it was cool but it was not the right place, so i ended up driving down to the right place after a while and was a bit late.

i was already super anxious due to the lateness, and when we got there the guy was late letting us in too. this guy obviously usually works with younger children and because i was a minor at the time, we had to go there. so we sit down, he asks me some questions about my medical background for context, he asks my dad about my development schedule (which he either was wrong about or obviously didn't remember well) and then he asks my dad to leave the room. he starts talking to me personally and i was not on testosterone at the time, so i got usually clocked as Girl tm.

he asks about my other mental health problems. i kind of go over the list hesitantly, not really wanting to give details for more stigmatized stuff, and when i mention bpd he just. stops me. he asks for more like detail and i give it to him, and i do actually HAVE a bpd diagnosis. my psychiatrist was very supportive of me and my access to help. this assessment guy though, just starts interrupting me and like. telling me i don't actually have bpd because i'm not 18. which, that's not how it works. you don't just develop it the second you're an adult. it's a disorder rooted in childhood trauma. i get kind of emotional pushing back against the claims he's making about my situation and he goes on to say some dumb stuff about how i'm just like experiencing teenage stuff, which i already had experience with from my therapist so i was pretty resistant to it at least but christ.

so after he spends 40 minutes trying to thoroughly debunk my bpd diagnosis and telling me i'd never had psychosis because it wasn't exactly the same as the types outlined in the dsm-v (which, i think he also just had a copy of the dsm-iv in his room. lol) like completely forgetting the human experience is more than a set of rules on a piece of paper. uh. he asks about other psychotic symptoms i'd had, so i start going on about some of the other life experiences i'd had and eventually started opening up about some personal experiences with dissociation that i hadn't been able to talk about with anybody before. he did actually validate those though and somehow had never heard of structural dissociation which is laughable but after this moment where he did something actually helpful for me, he started trying to use that to explain any "gender identity disturbance" i had. which.? was something. like he didn't outwardly say i wasn't really trans, but he did imply it was slightly caused by my dissociative disorder. i don't even know what to say at this point LMFAO

and after that shit went down, in a 3 hour appointment might i add, he finally starts talking to me about the autism stuff. and goes through a checklist on a piece of paper for about 30 minutes total. he calls my dad back in and recaps the entire appointment to him and then after everything, hands me a packet of notes he'd taken and everything we discussed and tells me he's "really unsure about the autism at the current moment and it requires more observation time". MY GUY. THAT'S WHAT YOUR JOB WAS. THAT'S WHAT I WENT THERE FOR. NOT TO GET FAKECLAIMED ON MY BPD AND HALF DIAGNOSED WITH A DISORDER I WAS BARELY THINKING ABOUT AT THE TIME EVEN IF IT WAS CORRECT.

i was pretty fucking pissed by this and went to my psychiatrist a few weeks later with the packet he gave me, kind of like. enraged. and my psychiatrist told me he wanted to take a look at the notes between appointments after we'd discussed what happened, and the next time i saw him after that he told me (knowing me much better than the other guy) that it was some of the weirdest medical reporting and garbage practice he'd ever seen in his entire career. like zero professionalism involved. which was so validating lmfao but holy shit

anyway this is another reason why i hate the medical industry basically but at least it's so batshit i can use it as a fun story. thank you for absolutely nothing

[saunne]

I finally got an appointment to get my hearing tested ! Yay !

It's not before July ! Less yay but still yay !

Honestly, this is such a weird journey for me. Not as "bad" as the whole gender transition thing, but because I never thought that what I was feeling hearing-wise wasn't considered "normal".

Until I was actually straight up told that it wasn't, in fact, normal.

And it's a bit of a weird thing, this feeling of "normality" that we can have about one of our senses and that we don't imagine being different from those around us. Especially when we tell ourselves that if everyone is like us / we are like everyone else so then it makes you go like "everyone feels as uncomfortable as me, I'm just bad at dealing with it" or "maybe it's me who's exaggerating and it's not that painful ?" or even “I might just be a little sensitive, but nothing to worry about”.

Well actually, moron, yes ? Do worry about it ???

Because no, a screaming child isn't supposed to send you into a panic attack ? No, you aren't supposed to hear the clock across the room as if you were standing in it ? No, being unable to understand the conversation of your table neighbors but being able to follow the conversation three tables away without problem is not normal ? No, asking to turn down the sound on the television or radio four times in fifteen minutes is not normal ? No, wanting to live in a bubble of white noise where everything is attenuated because even the quiet is noisy is not “normal” behavior either ?

And so, diagnosis here I come. In the meantime, however, I try not to adopt too many bad habits, particularly in terms of the "bubble of silence" by wearing my headphones or my noise-canceling earplugs all the time.

That's what worries my mother the most to be honest. Not that I have hyperacusis, that I have to be diagnosed with something unexpected again, or that I'm going to become her even weirder weird child, no. It's that now that I know that what I'm feeling isn't normal, I'm actually starting to overcompensate for the problem that according to her, wasn't a problem. Because after all, I lived very well before, right ?

Except no, actually, I wasn't living well before. I tolerated it before, because for me it was "normal". That was how everyone felt and it would have been stupid to complain about something that I seemed to be the only one struggling with.

But there's actually a difference between "Gods, this baby's loud aren't they ?" and "God, this baby is so loud it feels like my brain is trying to leak out my eardrums and that someone is scraping their nails in my skull and someone please shuts them up before I throw myself by the damn window".

But now that I know my hearing is, in fact, weird ? Well, I'm going to do a very French thing and I'm going to fucking complain about it.

It hurts, it shouldn't hurt, someone make the world less "too much" and fix my shitty hearing, please and thank you.

My psychiatrist is hilariously of the same opinion and after the neuropsychiatrist who clearly marked in my file "please stay in therapy", my psychiatrist is now "please, go start this new therapy before developing bad coping habits now that your brain knows it can complain".

I'm not out of the wood, far from it, but at least the journey is interesting.

[lowpolycule]

ive been trying to contact a health centre in my area for months (it not working is my fault tho i was doing it wrong cuz im stupid as hell) to get an appointment to a doctor my previous Transgender Doctor who recently lost her right to prescribe hormones (bc she was actually providing trans people healthcare and the finnish trans "healthcare" system relies on endless layers of bureaucracy to make sure trannies dont get healthcare) recommended. and i finally was able to contact them only to find out the doctor i was recommended doesnt like. work there anymore or something. so i was scheduled an appointment w just some random doctor and its like a 70/30 chance shes transphobic which matters a LOT cuz shes supposed to write a letter to the trans healthcare clinic abt me that corrects my previous letter made by a psychiatrist who lied about everything i said to her when writing the letter. and me getting into the trans healthcare program All depends on this letter. although even if i do get in the waiting time is so long no one really knows how long it is and at the clinic they only employ actual terf doctors (when u google them theyve all written articles abt predatory trannies making little girls take testosterone) and ur forced to go through so many traumatizing and invasive appointments (had just one appointment there when i was 15 and they asked me how i have sex and masturbate and what makes me "not just gay" etc etc etc questions w no right answers) and after that u MIGHT just get a hormone prescription but probably not. even if youre already on DIY hormones (like me) and this process takes years and years and years. and if u want surgery you should just kill yourself. so anyway pray that i get in and can get retraumatized by that clinic so that i just might be able to continue taking hrt (otherwise its just DIY but i rly want that prescription bc im poor and dont want to constantly wonder whether i have to quit soon)

[lets-donate-a-kidney]

Reasons Why You Might NOT donate a kidney

Your medication requirements aren't compatible

After donating a kidney, you may have to change the medication you take to minimize stress on the remaining kidney. For instance, all kidney donors are supposed to avoid NSAIDs like ibuprofen, Aleve and aspirin, and to take Tylenol (acetaminophen) instead. You may also have other medications (including psychiatric meds) that would need to be changed.

If you aren't able to take Tylenol or find substitutes for other medications, it may be worth thinking long and hard about whether donation is right for you. Your physician and psychiatrist will be able to give you more information if needed.

You're scared of needles or blood

You will get your blood drawn a lot in the process of donating an organ, and may also get an IV drip after surgery.

You're nervous about surgery

That's valid! All surgeries and anesthesia do carry risks. The risk of long-term complications from donating a kidney is very low, but it's your body and your choice, period.

Your family has a history of kidney disease, or you already have just one kidney.

Some people are born with only one! Or if you think there's a good chance you'll need two, it's totally rational not to donate one.

You've had issues with painkiller addiction in the past

After surgery, you may have a morphine or fentanyl drip in the hospital, and you're likely to be prescribed an opioid painkiller. The amount of painkillers is normally not enough to create a physical dependency. But for some people in addiction recovery, this may still be concerning.

If this worries you, I highly recommend discussing this topic with your physician and the surgeon, and following their advice. Medical professionals in the USA cannot report you to law enforcement for using illegal substances.

Any other medical conditions that make you a bad candidate

Your own health is important, and it might also affect whether your kidney would be viable in someone else's body.

You'll get scanned to hell and back during the screening process, so if there's any medical issues that would get in the way, the transplant team will tell you. They will NOT remove your kidney if they believe the surgery or loss of the kidney could harm your health later.

You want to make a connection with someone

Yeah...don't go into this process expecting it to change your life, or win you lots of praise, or hoping to meet the recipient (if you donate to a stranger like I did). What if your recipient turns out to be someone you don't like? What if you stay in touch but the kidney fails after a few years? What if you were hoping to feel better about yourself, but a month after surgery you realize you're still the same old you?

(Personally, I do feel like it changed my life for the better, and some people do form strong relationships with their recipient after the transplant. But people can have a lot of different reactions. Nothing is guaranteed.)

I chose not to contact or receive contact from my recipient, or to hear follow-up reports of how they were doing. I didn't want them to feel indebted to me, or for me to unwittingly place expectations on them. You might choose differently, which is valid - but make sure you'd be okay with not ever hearing from the recipient, too.

You can't afford it

This isn't always a hurdle. If you donate through the National Kidney Registry, for instance, they'll try to compensate you for any lost wages during your surgery and recovery period. You won't bear the cost of surgery or follow-up appointments, either. At least, that's how it is in the USA.

However, I did have to take time off work to go to the pre-surgery appointments. I did have to buy extra groceries for before and after the surgery, an abdominal binder and robe, and a few other costs. If I get medical complications later in life, I will have to pay for those either out of pocket or with health insurance. These may still be serious considerations for you.

You can't take enough time off to recover

My surgery team recommended two weeks off work - even though I work from home. They also wanted me to have someone present to drive me to and from the hospital, and to stay with me for the first few days after surgery. Your own job, childcare needs, or transportation/living assistance needs may impact your ability to do this.

You just plain don't want to

As I said, it's your body, your choice. You never, ever have to undergo surgery and give away part of your body for someone else. Even if you love that person and they're in pain. A donated organ should be a gift given freely, and gladly, not a source of fear or worry for you.

If you aren't able or willing to donate yourself, there are still many ways you can help people in need:

You could donate blood or plasma, which regenerate over time and don't require surgery.

You could help a prospective kidney donor by offering childcare while they're in the hospital, transportation assistance, or helping them recover after surgery.

You could register as an organ donor on death, so that your body isn't affected at all while you're alive. In the USA, only 60% of adults are registered as organ donors even though 90% support postmortem organ donation.

You can spread awareness of how organ donation works! Many people don't realize that they can donate a kidney, even without an intended recipient. Or they might believe it's more dangerous or debilitating than it actually is. By sharing educational resources about it, you can still increase the likelihood of more patients getting kidneys.

[bluegoblinfox]

Good news but that also sucks...

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, from the community mental health team. Is to discuss my plural identity and symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. Now I don't think I meet the criteria for dissociative identity disorder, I do think I might be diagnosable with a different kind of dissociative disorder and I want to explore my experience of my brain, how that translates in terms of diagnosis. Putting a name to it isn't really important to me per se but it's a lot easier to explain my experiences to Professionals and people from the Department of Work and Pensions etc if I have a piece of paper that says what it is.

Whilst I am very pleased to be getting a appointment relatively quickly as I was only referred a few months ago, I know from previous experiences of assessment with psychiatrists that I'm going to need to talk about all of the trauma. Yes all of the trauma and it's impact on me, my PTSD symptoms and my autism, tendency to become non-verbal and all that shit. I also know from previous experience that digging all that shit up is not pleasant.

Also to further complicate the layers of horror that this appointment is already going to be, it's going to be held at the psychiatric unit my eldest was admitted to last year. The location of a lot of recent trauma for me.

My partner is gonna come and stay with me for the night before and the night after this appointment. I'm definitely going to disassociate. I'm probably going to become non-verbal for a while after. It's definitely gonna make my functional neurological disorder flare up. I'm going to tic a lot. Probably going to have a lot of right sided weakness and that might even become a migraine. If I'm really unlucky I'm gonna have a few flashbacks as well. So much fun!

So I'm gonna make sure that I've got lots of things set up when I get home to make life easy. All my sensory stuff together, my blindfold and medication ready should I need it. I'm gonna make sure I have lots of salty snacks and cola in as when I have a migraine I crave salt and sugar so bad.

I'm also going to make sure that I've cleared my diary for for 5 days after. It's this that I think people struggle to understand or appreciate without being told about it. That a difficult meeting like this it's gonna wipe me out for the best part of week. That the emotional turmoil and the ramifications of them aren't just in the moment or in proceeding hours. It will for days and days after.

I know a lot of people take for granted just being able to do a thing move on from it. My brain and my body don't work like that anymore. To be honest I'm not sure they ever did!

[orionpolanosnox]

"Funny" transitioning story.

I'm trans and depending on where you live in Germany you might need two independent voices aka the opinions of two completely to you unknown therapists to confirm your therapist's findings that you are in fact trans and are eligible for a name/gender change and surgery.

You had to mail your "story" to them in advance. The scheduled appointments were about 2 hr each.

They document what you are wearing, your haircut and how you present yourself plus how "authentic" you are.

My first independent therapist was a young woman who was super chill. She ask her pointed questions but was very open minded and overall super professional.

The second guy was retired (you know where this is going). He told me, he'd give his okay no matter what because it's my life and he trusts my judgement. I didn't believe him and was so scared.

This old crusty man was given the power to decide over my life. Will I live or will I die? It was up to this dude who's worldview was as old as the fucking dinosaurs.

"Why didn't you know you were a guy when you where in kindergarten?" "What do you actually do to connect with other men?" "Why do you want to be a man?" "What don't you want to be a woman?" "Do you hate women?" (This fossil actually ask me this....)

"You know you won't be able to marry, right?" "What would you even do with your life?" Spoken as if marriage was the end all thing to happiness and fulfillment in life. This is one of the most memorable things he told me after I told him I was gay. (Marriage equality/Ehe für alle didn't happen yet.) I just nodded, said that I knew and it's okay. He was satisfied with that answer.

(The only thing this primate did well was to clock my trauma. I'll give him that. He really hurt me back than because it was spot on.)

Back then I knew that I was gay but not that I was ace. I only realize that I'm probably somewhere on the aro spectrum this year.

My old psychiatrist didn't believe me that I'm ace. It was always my depression, my autism or my bpd or my former addiction or just me being anti social and not trying hard enough. Who objects to the man who gives you your pills to function? Who wants to anger the person who gives you the one and only thing that makes it possible for you to work.

LIE! You need to lie! You don't know what you get. Do whatever you need to survive. Your survival is the priority. Tell them your straight for all I care.

I experienced all that 2017/18. Hope it's better now.

fun fact (not fun at all fact actually) :

aromanticism and asexuality are still treated as issues to be fixed in most therapy settings, at least in the western psychiatric institution. i cannot fucking mention my aromanticism or asexuality to a therapist or it’ll immediately become their primary concern and goal to fix. whether or not i have a partner/am trying to have a partner is actively being used as an indicator of my wellness, regardless of if i WANT one. i cannot have access to needed mental health ressources because of fear of conversion therapy. aro and/or ace conversion therapy is the norm in most psychiatric institutions and we are getting told by the rest of the queer community that our oppression isnt real and that there is no link between our struggles and theirs.

more thoughts on the medicalization of asexuality and/or aromanticism

answers to common notes

aplatonic perspective

ressources

background information

tips to avoid aro and/or ace conversion therapy

[ishouldreallybeelsewhere]

i want to start working on my mental health again but i don't want to go through the process of finding a specialist

also i can't exactly afford anything other than free counseling, and counseling genuinely will not help me. i don't know what will... well, a low dosage of anti-depressants might... but then i'd need to either speak to my old psychiatrist (i'd rather not) or find a new one, which is either expensive or incredibly time-consuming

but also my ocd is incredibly manageable, i haven't had an anxiety attack in months, and i'm technically able to be medicated for adhd i just haven't gotten around to making the appointment i need to because i keep on forgetting, and i hate being on adhd meds but i need them to do university

there's a solution, go back to my old therapist, but i ghosted her and she made me worse because she just gave me breathing exercises and told me to pretend i was somewhere else whenever i got anxious, and to put all of my problems in a vault between sessions... breathing exercises used to trigger anxiety attacks which is kind of the opposite of what i needed, and pretending i was somewhere else got so bad there were certain phrases i couldn't say out loud because they would confirm a reality i didn't want confirmed. I still can't say the exact words out loud, and there are a few other things i still can't say, but i can talk around them now (something that got better after i stopped going)

there are still things i believe that i know not to be true about myself, and i don't mean like self-esteem stuff, it's like fictional character stuff that i can't type or say out loud... but none of this interferes with my day-to-day life i don't need to take treatment away from people who need it

and i might be depressed but that's just not something i need to think about right now. there's no joy in any of my hobbies, including writing and playing assassin's creed. if i'm not distracted i'm just a bit empty and i'm scared right now but that's just cuz i'm home alone

[putyourlipstomine]

1/23/2024

I’ve always wanted to write here for a minute but always slacked. We don’t talk anymore so this might just be an entry for me and the ghost of old times passed. That sounds dumb, honestly I know there are better words for what I’m trying to say but I was never the writer between us two. You always did inspire me though, to think I could. Anyway, it’s a new year. I thought about texting you after our falling out but a lot of things were said that we really shouldn’t have. I was really mad with myself because of the things i could’ve said to you but didn’t. I was mad with myself for even wanting to say hurtful shit to you even if some of the things you said hurt me, but I hate the feeling of that these days. I hate having to feel like I have to fight back against everything, instead of everything just being relatively calm. I know nothing is going to be perfect, but i’m trying to find that softness, the kindness in my heart again to be soft with people. I have felt so much anger, so much negative emotions, and it has consumed me so much in the last few months. I took like two weeks off the gym when i was going 6 days a week, but i’ve been so depressed lately. I haven’t felt myself in months and I don’t know why. But I want to get better you know? I wanna be able to get myself right to learn how to love myself and to stop feeling like I deserve every bad thing that happens to me because of the mistakes I’ve made. I’m more than that. I want to celebrate my accomplishments and actually feel proud of myself, not just brush it off like I got lucky. Cause I work hard. I’m trying my hardest this year. It took me some years, but I’m finally here. I wanted so badly to text you and tell you about it, but i had my first appointment with my doctor and I’m starting my hormones soon. I’m finally doing something for me. Of course, the insurance is being a pain in the ass and not wanting to cover it so your boy might just go broke tryna get rid of this dysmorphia but goddamn. I was so happy today at my appointment. I guess that’s why I’m at least here sharing it with you through this forgotten blog. I doubt you’ll look here anytime soon. Unless… the universe does that weird thing where we get drawn back to each other when we’re dealing with shit. You know that stupid weird intuition type shit like we shared a brain bluetooth that doesn’t unpair. That’s a stupid analogy but again, i am not the writer. I need to stop trying to be funny but it’s funny because this is awful. Anyway, again - I’m starting therapy again. Granted, even though I know that I’m completed mentally and emotionally broken i don’t want to do the medication. I’ve felt so much of nothing, of pain and anger and frustration that something in me switched and I can’t cry. I never wanted to get to this point. It hasn’t been this bad since i started seeing my psychiatrist for the first time as a kid. And I’m scared because I don’t know how to just release everything I’m holding in because even though I can’t cry, i can’t release these feelings I’ve got wound up in me, it’s got this grip around my heart. It’s got me in this dread that the grip is gonna keep getting tighter and it’s gonna break my heart. And I’m not even heartbroken over my relationship, but because I’m losing myself and knowing how to value the things I love in my life. I’m so “well, i guess it wasn’t meant to be then” instead of fighting for the things I love because I want them there. I’m so afraid of showing I still care, that I still love, that i want people around because I’m tired of people leaving me. Of feeling like I’m not wanted. Or i’m not enough. I want to feel the way i felt before, you know. Where you have so much love to give someone it pours out in abundance and you have no regrets because you know the love you give is going to someone who’s gonna keep you safe, who’s gonna accept all your love for what it is and be soft with it. I miss the innocence of that and I hate that everything these days, nobody cares to fight for. Because either things are too complicated, or everything’s too much.

[nsk96]

Rant post. Ignore this, just purging the negative thoughts that are overwhelming me at the moment.

Having another breakdown, I really wished I lived alone right now. I start APPE rotations in a few months so that means I need to get all my onboarding paperwork and vaccination stuff done by February. There's so much to do right I can't seem to focus on just one thing, much less start on anything at all right now.

And then my mom telling me about the nasty crap my dad has been doing. I mean nasty unhygienic crap that is affecting our heaths. It was so triggering at the moment that all I could think about was "I'm probably also going to have to clean the shower before I shower again." Context: my dad doesn't wash well, and from the smell and condition of the bathtub when he'd done showering, I'm certain, he's not wiping after using the toilet either. Having to clean the bathtub every time before I shower is tiring it makes me hate showering. Not to mention the smell of the cleaner also bothers my airways. It's bad enough that I have to worry about my dad tampering with my soap, face cleanser and shampoo, that I have to carry every thing with me between the bathroom and my bedroom every time I shower as well. It all makes showering a time-consuming chore. Maybe that's a contributing reason for skipping showers these days. I have a handy dandy squirt bottle I use to clean up on skip days at least. Also, whoever invented wet wipes is the best.

Just thinking about how much I could have gotten done over the winter break had I lived alone though. The days I could have had to myself instead of driving my mom around to shop for groceries. I would have been able to clean up my room (my dad was home from work for much of the holiday so that delayed a lot because there was stuff I have to hide from him of course).

Then there was Christmas eve where my mom mopped this small stretch of tile and told us to be careful around it. No more than five minutes later, I forgot about it and came around with my plate of dinner in my hand and slipped and fell, hurting my back and leg, and straining my abdominal muscles. My food fell everywhere of course. Had I lived alone, it wouldn't have happened. But also, had I had the time to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, I probably would have been diagnosed by now, and wouldn't have forgotten such an important detail in the first place. There'd likely be no attention issues then...but to have the time to get an appointment, living alone would have been ideal as well. Study time is just better when you don't have to worry about other people. Out of sight, out of mind.

Living by myself, I would be able to have a clean room for once. I wouldn't have to sleep on a bed that I'm also storing a box of cookies on just because my dad "just might poison it". Or the whole 4-tier shelf of snacks I have in my room for the same reason, along with skincare and hair care products that should be stored in the bathroom but you know...he tampers with stuff to the point we start itching or our hair starts falling out. Don't get me started on the symptoms we get when he messes with the food.

My mom's defense for me not moving out is that it's not safe and that I should save money. 1) I'd be using loan money from school. I did the math and the added amount really doesn't make much of a difference when you look at the total I'll owe from between undergrad and pharmacy school. 2) Safe? She's worried about someone hurting me over there? Someone breaking in and hurting me? What about here at home? I have to constantly worry about if the food in the fridge is safe for me to eat. I don't feel safe in my own bedroom because she's always like "he goes into your room when you're in the shower", and now I gotta wonder if he finally managed plant a hidden camera in there. I already knows he likes to record random women on the street and send it to his nephew and make disgusting comments about them. I know he always wanted to record my mom in sexual ways. And he for sure knew what my brother was doing to me when I was 5 years old. At 18, my dad even tried to record me sucking suggestively on a lollipop (I didn't realize I was eating it weird. It was family movie night and I was distracted). I will never forget the night how furious he got when he found out I lock my bedroom door when I go to sleep. It haunts me. And now, my mom has to constantly remind me not to fall asleep on the chair in the living room when she's not out there because I have to worry about my dad r*ping me like he has her when she was asleep.

Over winter break, there was one instance I couldn't help it. We finished family movie night (in living room) and my mom was going into the shower. She made sure I was awake before walking away but I was so tired my eyes closed without me realizing. I was still conscious at least but only of my body and some sounds around me. I couldn't move or open my eyes. I felt myself drifting off but I was able to gain the strength to pull myself out of it. I hear my dad using the hand-held muscle massager to massage (but I didn't know what) and then I heard his footsteps getting closer. Maybe it was nothing but I opened my eyes a little and saw he had the massager by his crotch and he was walking towards me. At the same time, my mom came out to check up on me once more before going into the shower and when she showed up, my dad stopped walking and kinda jumped up like he was up to no good, I don't know if I was seeing correctly, but it was like he then quickly shifted the massager to the top of his thigh and told her that he had a leg cramp when she decided to ask him what's wrong. It was just so weird, I wasn't sure if I saw this whole situation correctly. He spent quite some time to work out the "cramp" on the exercise equipment so I don't know...maybe I was being paranoid. But that moment just keeps replaying in my mind and still feels so unsettling as much as it did that night.

Now I'm really worried about starting rotations. I'm not sure my mom plans on divorcing him any time soon. I told her she needs to start planning and that we can't be moving while I do residency. It's now or never. But honestly, it's probably too late for that because I'm way too busy for all that now. I got 4 quizzes due this week and 2 assignments, plus lectures to catch up on. And now onboarding to worry about. Last semester was the best time to initiate my plan, which was to get the apartment so we'd have a place to run to (because her plan was to leave him after I graduate pharmacy school) but she squandered it, quite possibly dooming the both of us.

The astrologer she recommended I get a reading from two years ago said that the people who think they know what's best for me will only bring me down to their level. He also said that I can't live with family because they will always be a source of grief for me. It's all true, and I probably didn't need an astrologer to tell me that, but it's kind of funny when someone outside of your family and life, who knows nothing about you, says it.

I feel it all just building up again, but I bet in a couple months when I have another emotional breakdown, my mom will once again think it came out of no where like she did the other times. And by emotional breakdown, I mean coming home crying and freaking out, avoiding her, avoiding all triggering conversation by either not talking or just walking away, and then she'll take it all personally again and make it about her feelings like she did last time.

[hareofhrair]

Posting my comment here for posterity, and in case anyone else needs help figuring out what to say:

I am a 33 year old writer with ADHD. I have been without my necessary daily medication, adderal, for a year now. At first I tried searching for other pharmacies, but I live in a rural area where options are limited. And once the last of my medication was gone, I required outside help to make and keep appointments, so continuing to harangue every pharmacy in 50 miles became nearly impossible.

I asked my doctor to switch me to a different prescription that was easier to acquire, ritalin. It was far less effective, and before long ran out as well, since it’s made with the same materials as the more controversial medication. I was shortly after dismissed by my psychiatrist for missing too many appointments and had to find another, who has the same policy.

I then found out even my antidepressant, bupropion, uses the same materials! It too, is now on backorder! So now I am facing the prospect of either needing to taper off an antidepressant I need to live, or risk being suddenly cut off and exposed to the dangerous and potentially lethal side effects of abruptly discontinuing an antidepressant.

In the meantime, my quality of life has plummeted. Without my medication I cannot work reliably, and therefore can’t meet deadlines or keep schedules, which means I might as well not be able to work at all. I have no energy most days and struggle to leave bed. I can’t keep my house clean, and the unsafe unsanitary conditions are a constant additional burden on my mental health. Even when fully medicated I struggle with personal hygiene. Without it, I’m doing well to shower twice a week. When I was medicated, I loved cooking healthy meals several times a week. Now I lack the energy to cook or the focus to plan meals and buy groceries, so my food is mostly microwaved or take out, which eats massively into a budget I’m no longer capable of keeping track of.

A year ago I was working every day in a tidy house and taking care of myself. I was prescribed adderal more than five years ago and I’ve taken it every day since in full compliance with my doctor’s orders. I’ve jumped through every hoop, taken every drug test and blood test and never complained because any amount of frustration and humiliation was worth it to be able to feel like a human being and an adult capable of taking care of myself. I despise what I’ve been reduced to. If this shortage continues, I’m not confident in my ability to continue living independently. Without the necessary medication I need to function, my future is in a government funded care facility.

It’s my understanding that the shortage was caused by the DEA strangling the supply in response to the spike of adderal prescriptions during the pandemic (which can largely be blamed on shady telehealth companies taking advantage of the loosened regulations, not on patients) but even if the abuse of adderal was as dire as they seem to believe- dire enough to require the already excessive regulations that seem designed to make this medication more difficult to access for specifically the people who need it most- in what world is it right to withhold this medication from the people who require it to live just because someone else might abuse it? Why am I being punished, my very ability to function as an independent adult revoked, for the actions of someone else? I don’t pretend to know the solution to the problem of these medications being misused, but it sure as hell isn’t this!

FEDERAL INQUIRY INTO ADHD MEDICATION SHORTAGE ANNNOUNCED

IF YOU HAVE STRUGGLED TO GET YOUR ADHD MEDICATION, YOU HAVE 60 DAYS TO TELL THE FTC YOUR STORY FOR CONSIDERATION IN THIS INQUIRY AT THE LINK BELOW! The FTC must read all responses. So tell them about having to call multiple pharmacies, being unable to get generics, your struggles with insurance coverage, everything!

[motherofkrypton]

Mental Health

Why is there soo much stigmatism when it comes to mental health? We preach about caring for our physical with immunizations, physicals, dental appointments, nutrition and cancer screenings. But what about our brain? Our brain plays such a huge role in everything that we do...when parts of it are damaged it affects other parts of our being as well, if our brain functions a bit differently that is something important to know. Yet more often than not, this comes from adults, mental health diagnosis' are referred to as "being labeled" or a person makes a remark that the person diagnosed "has nothing wrong with them". To that extent I do agree, in saying nothing is wrong with the person, because while they have a medical condition there is nothing wrong with who they are. But once the person displays those same issue later in life, people want to act as if it was something that suddenly happened. Just today I experienced how some people are about mental health and I simply stopped the conversation.

It seems that we praise the findings/lack of findings when it comes to physical ailments and if treatments are going well, we congratulate the person. When someone struggles mentally things such as: you just have to pay attention; you're not trying; you're lazy; your emo; you just want attention; you're faking it; mental illness is fake; you don't look like you have *enter any mental health thing* or my personal favorite "why do you want to be labeled?"). People turn caring for your mental health to be something negative. Even parents sometimes will ignore the genuine issues their child has because they don't want them to be "labeled". A diagnosis is not something that should be seen as a bad thing. It allows for those around the person to be able to help them in a way that will actually help the person. The student failing because their mental health is being ignored is saddening. No child should have to endlessly struggle and be behind everyone else simply because their parent doesn't want to seek help. It is not something that is the parents fault either.

Today was a very big day for my little girl in the right direction of finally getting her help in school! My kids' school won't do a learning plan of any kind without a formal diagnosis stating that the child needs help in school. For me, the way she is has never been a problem. Yes, my little fighter has for sure been more difficult than my other two have been, but she is who she is. I am glad that I stepped in and said no... she needs help, and she is going to get it. Her grandparents, as well as her father, see a diagnosis as a label too (hence why I stopped my conversation today). Normally she mellows out a little if she has something with caffeine in it and of course with her appointment being in the morning I wasn't letting her have any. This resulted in her bouncing off the walls at the appointment, not listening and just being as she would at home. In school she is trying so hard not to get a sad face at the end of the day that they only see the distraction part of the problem (the energy release happens as soon as I get her from school). After being with us for an hour, just watching my daughter while we talked about her, the psychiatrist said that she for sure has ADHD and that she might possibly be high functioning autistic as well. She wants to see if we can help her gain skills that will be helpful in school, increase her focus and just generally slow things down for her a little bit. Not sure what I need for the school but that is my next step (the office has you pay for any paperwork) and I'll be in contact with them once break is over.

[just-let-me-see-accounts]

???

I spent ages agonising over how I would navigate my medical health before I became 18 (at which point I could schedule my own appointments. Like, I know that I could still do that as a minor with my parent(s) per.issuon but I thought there would still be restrictions, especially concerning money) but my mum is just gonna give me my medical card tomorrow after I briefly mentioned goodrx (which is only tangentially related??) and told me that everything would be free? What??

Like, I can just schedule anything. I could follow up on that proposed blood test to figure out the extent/cause of my anemia. I could go to the dentist. I could get regular check ups (insane. In the past 8-9 years I've only had two check ups).

I recently had an eye exam and am gonna receive two free glasses (plus a third cheap one my mum + grandpa bought for me), but like. I could get an eye exam regularly? Which is pretty damn good since I kinda fucked up with my left eye and when I was looking through that machine it was definitely blurrier in my left than in my right. Plus, obviously my eyes got worse over these past three years, so it'd be great to stay on top of any further changes.

This shit applies to mental health stuff as well. She specifically mentioned that, which I think is her signaling that she does not want to bein charge of keeping up with that. Damn. I could schedule my own appointments and shit. Wow.

Maybe I can buy medication? Obviously I'd have to talk to a psychiatrist to be prescribed anything, but my mum said she doesn't pay *anything* for prescribed medication. I promised myself not to rock the boat too much until I'm 18, though, since last time when I broached the possibility of me being ND and did that surface level test (used to determine if an in depth test is needed), she took me out of therapy (which I will be back in soon thank god! My intake is on the 3rd of October!).

And my mum has expressed that she doesn't want me on medication (she said it isn't safe for a minor. I wonder if her opinion would change once I become an adult. It must eventually, right? She takes medication herself.) so I'm afraid she might. Take away my access to medical stuff.

But like, if she gives me my card, can she even do anything? If she takes it, would I be able to order a new one or smth? She said that she could order a new one if I lose it. Am I entitled to it? I'll have to look into it more.

The possibility of this massive opportunity suddenly being taken away is why I didn't even consider further pursuing ND evaluation or getting a gender therapist. But like, if she can't do anything, I'll definitely do it. I guess that's a "maybe" thing.

Yooo I could get birth control and stop these blasted periods! Neat.

Even better yet, my siblings can get their cards as well and schedule their own stuff. I requested one of my siblings cards as well and she's willing to give me it. I can't make the appointment myself, as I am a minor (which means I can schedule appointments for them when I'm an adult yayyy), but I can help her make an appointment herself. She really needs to see the dentist.

Man. There's just. So many possibilities. I'm definitely gonna look at "common medical screenings/appointments" or whatever to see what I can get looked at for. Now that I have all this medical power I won't allow myself to deal with something I shouldn't have to!!

[fatedwithmbc]

Round Three of Ibrance starts tonight. The first two cycles weren’t terrible. I started with some mucositis at the end of the last cycle. I’m hoping it doesn’t continue into cycle three.

My iPad is definitely broken, which is annoying because I usually type my posts via my iPad and external keyboard. I have a Genius Bar appointment tomorrow and I’m thanking the lord that I got AppleCare on this item. I usually forgo it because I treat my items well. That was no different with my iPad, but something clearly is up and I’m like right at the one year mark. Also not in a position to pay too much for repairs. So, thank you salesman who talked me into it when I bought my iPad initially.

Today wasn’t overly busy. I did go to HomeGoods though. I needed a bigger basket for my meds to reside in. I also purchased a waffle textured blanket (allows for stimming behaviors and easily falling asleep), a table runner to use for my dresser and a Halloween bunting. I’m early on Halloween, but that’s ok. I stopped at O+F farm stand to pick up corn for dinner. My final stop was Starbucks and then I went home and napped. I get tired after doing too much activity. Thankfully, Mom-Mom didn’t feel like working on our piece of the garden so I was able to take a significant nap (which I needed).

After napping, I woke up in a sort of stupor, but worked my way out of it in order to grill chicken for dinner. Dinner was relaxing which isn’t always the case. Afterward, I went to Danny and Betsy’s to help Danny print some pictures from his Ireland trip. It was nice to see them and we’ll be going to dinner tomorrow. We’re going to Founding Farmers which is a favorite of mine. Hopefully, they like it as well.

I also have to give the brackets and hardware to Dan to get the right hardware for hanging my mug racks as I have 6 racks and many mugs that need a home. I’m thankful that he’ll be helping me hang these and ensure they won’t fall off; which I am sure would happen if I did it on my own.

Another chore for tomorrow is to pick up some medication samples from my psychiatrist but I might save that adventure for Tuesday. I just am not anticipating all of the driving for tomorrow. Driving just isn’t something that I love doing that much anymore. I really used to love driving- windows down, music up, warm weather… it was great during my commute. Maybe that’s what the change is, I don’t have a commute anymore. I just have short moments to appointments and errands. Maybe it’s just a phase.

And it’ll leave it at that… Thanks for your support and your reading!!

[elijahkelly]

8/20/2023

I'm going to start by quickly going through some stuff that has been going on in my life that is huge and I would love to talk about later, but is not the purpose of this post.

Firstly, I got food poisoning from Cookout. It was so fucking horrible and I was incredibly miserable for a week, I went over 5 days without eating, and it not only took a toll on me physically, but also mentally. In conjunction with not being able to keep down my Prozac, being bedridden and helpless for a week while you watch your body destroy itself really ruins the self esteem.

Next, a friend of mine passed away last weekend. We worked together at my gym and he was always a fun and energetic person. Some shitty cards were dealt his way, and it was just too much for him. We went to his funeral this past Thursday, and it's been pretty tough for all of us who knew and loved him.

I was also recently made aware that Dylan does in fact have an engagement ring somewhere. He has already bought it, some people have already seen it, and I will be engaged soon. Like, within the next few months, presumably. He said he doesn't know if he's going to do it in the winter or the spring.

Two new people moved into my apartment. Dawson, who took Heather's room, and Aysiah, who took Dylan's room.

Lastly, we started classes last week! I am officially a college senior, and this time next year I will have a college degree. I am incredibly nervous, however, about the grad school search.

Those were pretty significant things that have happened lately, but were not my reason for writing this.

I wanted to make this post to voice my neuroticism about a situation that has really been stealing my focus as of late. I ran out of my Prozac shortly after getting over my food poisoning, and I will not be able to refill that prescription until I make an appointment to meet with my psychiatrist to see if any adjustments need to be made to my medication. So for the last week, I have been off my meds. I felt fine at first, but the last couple of days it has become glaringly obvious that I need to get back on them.

Because I've been off my meds for so long, I have been incredibly sensitive about my relationships with my friends. Specifically, Trent and Ozzy. They have quickly become two of my best friends, and they have also become incredibly close with one another. They have started hanging out with one another very often, which is fine of course. Off my meds, though, I think my brain is struggling to handle them being better friends with each other than they are with me. I have been so confident and self-assured lately, but that's been disrupted by my lack of medicine, so my insecurities of being outcast have started to resurface. Suddenly I really care when they spend time together without me, because my brain chooses to think that it equates to them liking me less. The logic behind it is that the more they spend time together without me, the more they might think that they don't need me.

There is another thing though. A couple nights ago, I went to a party with Dylan, Ozzy, Trent, and Grant. After the fact, Ozzy and Trent came back to my apartment with me and Dylan, and we sat in my room and talked for a while. Ozzy then said he was going to take Trent home, and they left. Being neurotic while also making sure they were okay, I watched their locations after they left. And I watched as both of their location icons went to Ozzy's house. Ozzy told me he made it home, but I never heard anything from Trent. I could see, though, that they were both at Ozzy's house. And I'm not going to lie, it made me upset. They went off to hang out together without me. I felt unimportant, forgotten, small. But I'm close with them, so I was comfortable mentioning how I felt. I texted Trent about it the next day, and he proceeded to tell me that he and Ozzy made out that night. That did not make me feel better. I, being in a relationship, have no right to speak on who decides to do anything with whoever else. But it didn't feel great to read that my two best friends were off behind my back making out and shit. I guess I'm nervous that they'll have some issue come up between them and it'll throw a wrench in our relationships? Maybe I'm upset that them doing this stuff together is solidifying a position where they like each other more than me. I don't know. But it sucks. They have full autonomy, but their actions made me feel like shit, and those feelings are just as valid as their decisions.

I don't know if I want to talk about it much more right now. Typing it all out honestly made me a little more upset about it, so I'm gonna end this here and brood for a while.

Bye for now.