putyourlipstomine

[putyourlipstomine]

1/23/2024

Part 2? I’m sorry I’m a chatterbox for once. I hate that love these days isn’t worth fighting for to people and nobody wants to make things work. Nobody wants to be vulnerable anymore, nobody wants to take a leap and take the chance on someone who loves them with everything in them because everyone is so fucking scared. So fucking uncomfortable with the idea of commitment or to be completely, stupidly, and unregretably in love with someone. Maybe i’m stupid for thinking that still exists but I think i created the delusion in my head and convinced myself it IS possible because I’ve felt completely and stupidly in love before. To be able to look into someone’s eyes or to hear their voice and suddenly everything is okay. To have a soft place to land when the world starts feeling a little too unbearable, and you just want to disappear in their presence. I know it exists outside of my delusions because I felt it. But I don’t know. I want to bring myself back to the me I was then. To be a guy so full of love I’ll be able to love someone without the baggage of who I used to be. I want to be the me that loves regardless of the fear of what lies ahead but just knowing that person will be by my side, I’ll be able to have that extra strength to grow into something more than I’ve been. But anyway, therapy will be good for me. Lord knows there’s plenty of people who would agree. Anyway, I know we’re probably not going to talk any time soon, maybe when we’re 30 but I hope you know I love you. I’m always here for you and as much as you’d hate it, I’m sending you a hug and some love your way. Please be easy on yourself. You are always your toughest critic but A, you are still one of the greatest people I have ever known. Unbearable to say, but it’s true. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t have a slight thought of my best friend over something stupid. I keep staring at the paper kites concert and wishing you were here to go with me. Or how my inclination to go to a book store reminds me of your book worm headass. I don’t know, anyway. I’m gonna get some rest. I hope you sleep a little better these nights. Goodnight, A. May our paths or brain bluetooth waves cross once again. You’ll always be my best friend and I love you. Sweet dreams.

[putyourlipstomine]

1/23/2024

I’ve always wanted to write here for a minute but always slacked. We don’t talk anymore so this might just be an entry for me and the ghost of old times passed. That sounds dumb, honestly I know there are better words for what I’m trying to say but I was never the writer between us two. You always did inspire me though, to think I could. Anyway, it’s a new year. I thought about texting you after our falling out but a lot of things were said that we really shouldn’t have. I was really mad with myself because of the things i could’ve said to you but didn’t. I was mad with myself for even wanting to say hurtful shit to you even if some of the things you said hurt me, but I hate the feeling of that these days. I hate having to feel like I have to fight back against everything, instead of everything just being relatively calm. I know nothing is going to be perfect, but i’m trying to find that softness, the kindness in my heart again to be soft with people. I have felt so much anger, so much negative emotions, and it has consumed me so much in the last few months. I took like two weeks off the gym when i was going 6 days a week, but i’ve been so depressed lately. I haven’t felt myself in months and I don’t know why. But I want to get better you know? I wanna be able to get myself right to learn how to love myself and to stop feeling like I deserve every bad thing that happens to me because of the mistakes I’ve made. I’m more than that. I want to celebrate my accomplishments and actually feel proud of myself, not just brush it off like I got lucky. Cause I work hard. I’m trying my hardest this year. It took me some years, but I’m finally here. I wanted so badly to text you and tell you about it, but i had my first appointment with my doctor and I’m starting my hormones soon. I’m finally doing something for me. Of course, the insurance is being a pain in the ass and not wanting to cover it so your boy might just go broke tryna get rid of this dysmorphia but goddamn. I was so happy today at my appointment. I guess that’s why I’m at least here sharing it with you through this forgotten blog. I doubt you’ll look here anytime soon. Unless… the universe does that weird thing where we get drawn back to each other when we’re dealing with shit. You know that stupid weird intuition type shit like we shared a brain bluetooth that doesn’t unpair. That’s a stupid analogy but again, i am not the writer. I need to stop trying to be funny but it’s funny because this is awful. Anyway, again - I’m starting therapy again. Granted, even though I know that I’m completed mentally and emotionally broken i don’t want to do the medication. I’ve felt so much of nothing, of pain and anger and frustration that something in me switched and I can’t cry. I never wanted to get to this point. It hasn’t been this bad since i started seeing my psychiatrist for the first time as a kid. And I’m scared because I don’t know how to just release everything I’m holding in because even though I can’t cry, i can’t release these feelings I’ve got wound up in me, it’s got this grip around my heart. It’s got me in this dread that the grip is gonna keep getting tighter and it’s gonna break my heart. And I’m not even heartbroken over my relationship, but because I’m losing myself and knowing how to value the things I love in my life. I’m so “well, i guess it wasn’t meant to be then” instead of fighting for the things I love because I want them there. I’m so afraid of showing I still care, that I still love, that i want people around because I’m tired of people leaving me. Of feeling like I’m not wanted. Or i’m not enough. I want to feel the way i felt before, you know. Where you have so much love to give someone it pours out in abundance and you have no regrets because you know the love you give is going to someone who’s gonna keep you safe, who’s gonna accept all your love for what it is and be soft with it. I miss the innocence of that and I hate that everything these days, nobody cares to fight for. Because either things are too complicated, or everything’s too much.

[putyourlipstomine]

8/14/21

There are a lot of ways I could start this and in a manner I’ll be nothing but honest. I completely understand how you feel, I understand why you did what you did. I do. I’ve never held the way you’ve reacted towards me against you and maybe that makes me a complete mensa but I’ve always said there’s a dynamic that you and I have that only our malfunctioning brains could ever began to comprehend. I don’t know what anyone may have told your gf, I will openly admit that I may have said some things about you out of pure anger but they were never said to people your girlfriend would know. No one from online platform. It’s always just been to Twin and Jose. I do want to apologize to you and remind you that I’m here if you ever need anything. It sounds really half ass because I’m halfway across the world but I’ve always been in corner B..even when you didn’t want me to be. The days are narrowing down and I’m meeting my boyfriend in exactly less than 24 hours…If I were to tell you I’m not scared I’d be lying. He’s been so accepting and honestly he’s so damn kind hearted it terrifies me that I’m going to just screw everything up. I’m trying out this thing where I’m just honest with him, about how I feel, about how he makes me feel but it’s a double edged sword because whenever I’m not okay it affects him so much. And vise versa, I won’t lie to you. I read your post a few days ago and I told him about it. He has never expressed any sort of anger or anything towards the idea of us speaking to each other but he finally voiced how not okay he is with it. I understand him, it’s not a fear of me ever leaving him it’s a fear of me allowing myself to care so much for you the way I used to. He even speaks about it sometimes now “you were consumed by him” and I was, which is why I hesitated to write in here. It terrifies me to think about you as well, it also makes me feel exposed. Not in a raw it’ll hurt me way, but in the manner that’s it’s always been with you. That you’ll know too much, that you’ll figure me out in seconds. That you’ll read the tone even in these words and know how exactly I sound. You were my best friend, and there are days when I miss you. I use to be so ashamed of admitting that, but even during the days when things were so so bad at the end you knew me better than I knew myself at some point. I know the day will come where we will sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk about how we got to where we are, because if there is one thing I’m sure of is that; the friendship, the love, the memories we shared will continue to live on even if we don’t speak to each other. B all I’ve ever wanted was for you to do things for you. You. And only you. To not depend on anyone for anything, not love or acceptance. Take some time to reflect on what makes you happy. What makes you feel comfortable. Fuck everyone else, you no longer accommodate anyone but you. That is what I live by now and it sounds selfish but damn it does it work. I am so exhausted B. As much as I love my new job, I also see it completely draining the life out of me. I get home and sleep. My boyfriend leaves next month for two months and I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I forgot how consuming long distance relationships are and how lonely it gets when that person just isn’t there anymore. But I have a lot of faith once he’s done with training we’ll be fine, I just have to focus on work solemnly. I haven’t been doing a whole lot of church stuff lately to be honest, work literally has been taking every single minute of my time. I’m also prolonging getting my results lol I don’t want to hear what else I have.. I haven’t told anyone but my fingers curled up for a few hours this morning and I started crying because I couldn’t move them. Throw my whole body away please? That’d be cool. Move away B. Start new. I promise in a few years you’ll look back and realize it was all worth. I’m always rooting for you. A

[putyourlipstomine]

7/29/21

I really don’t do this often. I mean deadass, don’t even know when the last time i myself wrote here. Truth is, i’ve been wanting to. A lot, actually. Who really needs therapy or whatever you’ve got a secret blog to vent to? You probably think I don’t keep up with this stuff, and well for a minute i stopped because I was scared to be vulnerable towards anything regarding you or us in a platonic and more than kind of way. I left that whole old platform because god, somehow certain someone’s couldn’t keep your name out of their mouths to my gf and she told me things you apparently told that person about you and me. The things they said you said about me high key hurt me and it made it easy for me to push you away. Was i wrong for that? possibly. Was i scared? Yeah, hell yeah. It still scares me to think about you. I hate it. Maybe not hate but I just don’t like it because i start to think what if’s. I shouldn’t but I do. I do a lot of things in my head that I shouldn’t but i don’t think i was ever really “that” mentally stable. Trauma do be doing that. I’m scatter brained right now because i’m trying to think about anything but s******. I don’t know where these intrusive thoughts came from but I feel the same way I did after I lost you the last last time in the beginning of the pandemic, and when i was losing it feeling like I was always the problem in my family at the beginning of the year last year. It’s been a while since I felt this heaviness like I do. I don’t really know how to handle it. I should be okay? But i’m not. I mean, i’m homeless in a sense. There’s so much tension because my mom kicked me out when she asked me about being trans and I haven’t talked to her or my family for the longest time because she outted me to everyone. I hadn’t seen or talked to any of them for months, since mid/late may. My grandma cries because she hates to see me and my mom like this but i’ve always been there for my mom. i’ve always fixed everything and i can’t now. The shit she said, just wasn’t okay. And it hurt me to the point for once i actually left even if it meant i had nothing. I left my dogs and that shit broke me. It hurt to leave my brother too. But nobody ever protects me. I’m always the only one fighting for me in my corner and it always has been just me. But this time i’m just scared? A new kind of scared that I don’t know what to do. Run away to a new state? I’m probably going to drop out of school. I don’t want to do nursing anymore. I just want to work, make money so I don’t have to worry about needing anyone’s help anymore. I don’t want to be trapped. I wanna give myself some time to just figure this shit out but I don’t know what I want with anything anymore. I don’t know. Honestly, A. I’m scared because a part of me feels like I would rather just be gone forever. And i’m scared because a part of me is okay with ending things here. I’ve met enough cool people, had some good times, plenty of bad, had a lot of experiences and stuff but I just don’t know what’s in store for me anymore. I don’t think I wanna know. I think I want to just disappear for a while. I don’t know where I was going with this. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re holding in and pushing through all your church and health stuff and school and work like you do. You’re good at that, always have been. I was always proud of you for that and still am. Goodnight, A. Keep pushing.

[putyourlipstomine]

6/12/20

It’s really weird how things change in a matter of weeks. It feels weird not to constantly miss you, sometimes I catch myself doing it tho lol I’ll hear you saying things in my head about like food lol I’m running tests this month to see what’s going on with my joints. It might be lupus, arthritis or it might just be my medication but something is making my fingers curl and I hate it. Literally @ God give me a new body yo! ….B I think I’m falling in love with someone? It feels weird to say that tbh, specially since it’s with someone who I’ve known for years but just recently got back into contact with. You know who he is but I doubt you’ll remember him. It’s really scary lol it’s like trying to get over the fear of giving someone the power to hurt you again? How do you get over that? I’m seeing him in two months before he leaves to the military..yeah I know huh? I’ve made entirely too many jokes about getting married already LMAO but idk if that’ll even be a thing for me. It seems excessive to say I’m falling in love with him but I’ve caught myself almost saying it while on FaceTime lol I’m other news, I keep praying I get accepted at Apple. If I do then I know the direction I’m heading towards when it comes to school is the correct one, if I don’t then maybe it’s time to teach abroad for a couple of years. It’s so weird being in the middle of like a shift? Like when your life is changing and you’re trying to hold on to some of the past because you felt safe there? Yeah this isn’t fun but I know it’ll be worth it. It has to be right? I hope you’re doing good smelly butt; I hope you’re eating and still in school. I hope your dad is doing okay and your grandparents. I hope Tristan isn’t being too annoying lol and I hope your mom isn’t either. I love you immensely, always have and I always will.

A

[putyourlipstomine]

5/10/21

I’ve given up on trying to reach out to you. There’s a part of me that wants to block your number so I’m not stupid enough to try again. I just hope you’re okay.

[putyourlipstomine]

5/8/21

I wish people would stop telling me they’re always going to be there for me. Because in the end unless I’m giving something in return nobody ever stays. Including you. Your words lol were always “I’ll be here no matter what, reach out to me” well fuck every single one of you that gave me hope lol people love to brag and say “yeah I got myself out of this one” but I don’t have any sort of fight left in me for this bullshit.

[putyourlipstomine]

4/28/21

I sent you an apology on Snapchat, and you haven’t opened it. Something tells me you won’t and that’s understandable, I haven’t reached out to you because of pride. I just know there’s not really room for me in your life anymore, it sounds dramatic but it’s true. Lol the place I’ve always occupied is filled up by someone else and that’s the person you chose, who makes you the happiest and I can’t do anything but cheer on from the sidelines and hope everything goes good. I don’t regret what I said to you, but I do wish I would’ve told you differently. In a way that wouldn’t have angered or hurt you, like I said in the video lol we’re such extreme motherfuckers that we know which buttons to push in order to get the other to snap. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to let you go completely, to not even attempt a friendship with you. Everyone keeps telling me you only use me to make yourself feel better and then find any way to push me away enough that I won’t come back. Sometimes I believe them and who knows maybe they’re right, but I made a promise to God when it comes to you B and I intend to keep it. Whether that’s from afar so be it, I saw a tik tok awhile back that I wanted to send to you that said “stay where you are appreciated, not where you’re tolerated” idk why I wanted to send it you. Maybe it’ll resonate? Your birthday is coming up and I keep wanting to text you like hey motherfucker your birthday is coming up what are you gonna do! lol I also keep wanting to text you and cry to you and tell you how fucking scared I am of graduating. I’ve had 3 meltdowns this week and I’ve ran out of edibles(help me) Manny and I are also arguing and that’s not helping, or more so I’m arguing and he’s just there lol I wanted the man to make me his gf so bad and when he does, I fucking hate him lol I want to move. I keep looking into Seattle, it’s like calling my name lol or maybe somewhere in Spain? I don’t know. It sucks man I shouldn’t even be alive right now and I have to choose what to do with my life? Trash. Throw it all away. Anyway, I miss you and I love you. Immensely. I know there are parts of you that still haven’t forgiven me, and I hope one day you’ll understand that I never wanted to leave you alone while we broke up. But if I wouldn’t have left you wouldn’t have moved on, and you may not remember how you were but I do. You wanted to hurt me like I’d hurt you, and I didn’t want us to get to that point where you changed who you were and I just accepted it because I felt guilty. If you read this after your birthday then happy birthday, I hope your day is filled with nothing but love and smiles. I’m proud of you. Always have been, and I always will be.

- Miss Ma’am Ari

[putyourlipstomine]

I don’t think you go on here anymore, so I honestly don’t know why I’m writing to you here. I still have your number but you don’t reply to my texts anymore and I think I should respect your new relationship enough not to do that. I never want be the way your exes were whenever we were together. So I’ll stick to writing to you here. B I miss you. I can’t believe after almost a year now, you’re still the first person that pops into my head whenever something good happens to me. Like omg I can’t wait to tell you but then I remember and I think today I’m feeling worse than before. I can’t stop crying and you know how much I ducking hate crying dude, but I feel so fucking alone. And like such a fucking fraud, how can I preach to my youth ministry about having hope when I have none. When I can’t even bring myself to want to care anymore about anything, including myself. My body is screaming at me and I just want it to stop functioning all together so I don’t have to exist anymore. Every time I tell myself I need to heal when it comes to you it just makes me miss you more but fuck am I so happy for you. I wish you could’ve seen the smile on my face when I saw that you have someone now who’s capable of holding you and actually being there. I don’t wanna say I told you so but like lol I told you so big head, I told you you’d find her and see how loving her would be so much more than the love you had for me. I recently found your old little notes from the books you’ve sent me and I keep telling myself that I need to throw them away but I can’t yet. Maybe one day. I hope the babies are good, like all the babies including the fur ones lol I’m sorry I never sent you their gifts, I just felt like I needed to leave you alone. I needed to give you a fair shot of being happy without me. And look at you now. I love you B. And I still thank God for allowing me to have you around for the years that I did. I’m sorry I hurt you. i hope one day you forgive me, who am I kidding lol I love acting as if I’m relevant when we both know I’m not. I keep wondering how itll feel to just sleep and never wake up. It’s getting so hard to keep doing this. I keep thinking people will be okay when I’m gone you know? Like everyone has their support system. B there’s something wrong with my aunt and none of the doctors can figure out what it is and I’m really scared for her. I haven’t told anyone about it but my mom told me my grandma called her crying a couple days ago because of it. My other aunt stopped chemo but the cancer is still there and her stubborn ass doesn’t wanna keep doing it. B I don’t wanna see anyone die. My brother put his old pitbull down a couple days ago and I saw him just breakdown. All I could think about was with you and Riley. God I hope you’re doing okay, I hope your grandparents are okay. I hope your dad is okay. And your mom, and Tristan.

[putyourlipstomine]

I refuse to be hurt anymore.

[putyourlipstomine]

This is for you.

It would be a lie to say I don’t miss you.

I could sit here and tell you all about the fuck ups and how sorry I am that I didn’t try hard enough.

If I could rewind and change the past I would.

If I could’ve met you when I was a better version of myself, I would.

There are days when I still wish it was you.

Holding my hand while I wait for the doctors to tell me the news I’ve been waiting to hear.

Holding my hands when my mother tells me the bad news.

Wiping my tears away when the voices just became entirely too loud to drown out.

There are days when I still wish it was you.

But I cannot do that to you,

I was never good for you in the long run and I’m glad you realized it too.

I hope and wish nothing but the best for you,

My darling boy, I’ll always miss you.

A

[putyourlipstomine]

Is there anything I can do to be better To make you want me more than ever before I know I haven't been that good lately And I understand every bit of you hates me

Every day hurts like fuck since we broke up It feels like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on the floor I've made mistakes I'll live with forever I wish we could rewind and start fresh together.

[putyourlipstomine]

I have felt sadness before but getting to the point I no longer feel is my new home. No deeper connections, just surface level masks and sleeping my days away. I have no anger left. No sadness. Being numb is the new way. Let’s leave it that way.

[putyourlipstomine]

Day 5

I miss you having you on FaceTime with me. I almost called you today but you’re doing better without me.

[putyourlipstomine]

Day 4

Watching the show we use to watch together makes me randomly cry and no it’s not because something emotional happened. I just miss you. Whenever I think I’m doing okay, I just start crying again. My mom has started hovering, I wish I could tell her why I’m sad lol Prema asked about you a couple days ago, I told her we’re not speaking right now and she said she hopes we’re both okay. She kept asking me how I was taking it lol I told her I felt like the ground had been taken away and I’ve just been falling. I hope you’re being safe. I know it’s tempting to always be high but numbing the pain makes it so much worse sometimes. I hope you’re eating and calling your grandparents. I hope you’re being nice to Tristan, I know he’s a pain but he’s just young. I miss you. I miss your jokes, your laugh, and your smile. I miss your beautiful eyes and the way they looked when you said I love you. Te extraño mas de lo que piensas.

[putyourlipstomine]

Day 3

I wonder if you miss me

[putyourlipstomine]

Day 1

I have embarrassed myself, gotten rejected and been given a taste of my own medicine. I should hate you but my brain keeps reminding me that I broke your heart and I deserve to feel like this. The only comforting thing I have is that you’ll find your own happiness away from me. It kills me and I’m crying again at the fact I won’t be able to call you on my birthday or the day of my graduation. I won’t be able to complain about my homework or cry to you whenever I’m too nervous to preach. I hate you for getting so close to me. And I hate myself for allowing you to. I hate myself.