#Thank you queer blogs of tumblr. Thank you for teaching me not to be afraid.

[gwendolyn-of-loxley]

It's finally happened.

The tgirls of tumblr finally got me. My egg is shattered and, like ancient pottery, there is no way to truly assemble the facade that has been broken. I am a woman. I am a strong, beautiful woman, and I cannot wait to find out who I become.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

hi i just wanted to say, thank you very much for all of your posts and perspectives on the church hurt tags, it's very validating. the religious people around me are always pushing me to physically go to church and I've always been reluctant to despite feeling like im much closer to my faith and God as my best friend lately (all thanks to the numerous queer affirming religious blogs on tumblr btw!) and it's because of all the disagreement i have with the church and what they teach here (i live in a conservatively religious country where even supporting the queer community is frowned upon)

it makes me feel incredibly guilty that i don't feel the desire to go. not to mention, another reason is i work 6 days a week and also an introvert with not that many spoons and so i dont quite have the energy to go because sunday is the only day i get to recharge. but everytime i think about these reasons, i feel guilty as if im making excuses and that im just lazy, I can't never tell which is the truth and that only adds to my guilt.

everytime someone tells me to go to church, i long to find one where i am accepted for who i am, a place where i dont have to be afraid to be myself, a place that doesn't teach outdated beliefs that doesn't resonate with me. i long to feel the desire to go and to sing worship.

and at the same time, for me, worship and my faith lies in the small things that i do everyday, like looking at the sky and admiring the clouds, sending a quick prayer of thanks when the light turns back on after a blackout, enjoying the food that God has given me, listening to music on my way home to work, scrolling through affirming blogs and crying at the amount of compassion shown to me. but it feels like everyone says that's not enough, that we need to diligently attend church to truly be a christian but i just.. cant? which is shameful for me to admit.

im sorry this got long and became a sad rant but just, thank you for having that tag i really appreciate it, I've always been afraid to verbalize all of this thought because im afraid of being judged and being told the opposite but your posts have all been very helpful

Hey anon, I'm sorry the people around you are pressuring you to go to church, rather than doing any work to make the churches around you somewhere you could actually find spiritual flourishing. You deserve spaces where you can worship in community, but when those spaces don't exist, that is never your fault.

We can honor the sabbath in myriad ways: God's instruction to the first of humanity was not "go to church" but simply "rest," one day a week. If church is not a place you can rest in God's love, seek that rest elsewhere.

I pray that guilt will release its hold on you, that you can continue to find God in the small things, and comfort in knowing that the Divine Spirit blows wherever She will — outside church walls as much as inside them.

And I pray that you will find community that supports and celebrates you exactly as you are, whether it's among Christians or elsewhere, in person or online. We are communal creatures, created for relationship. Again, it is not your fault when others fail to extend a fully loving and reciprocal relationship to you; it is just my prayer that God will guide you towards those who can be that for you, and you for them. In the meantime, God Themself is as you say your best friend, holding you close through all things. <3

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

Okay, yeah... I thought so...

Replies screenshot from my add to this post this post that I accidentally found through an email notification of an @ that you'll see didn't even scan on my tumblr radar on a reblog chain I couldn't add on to again because I blocked OP (good ♥).

This attempt at an @ is still hilarious by the way like OP was so afraid of me she blocked me I literally couldn't fucking hear or responded to any of what you little shits were saying ...

@poutyrootveggie @duncebento @specialmouse Whoaaaaaaa you little mediocre weebshit abled-bodied special needs dunces! I was so shocked that the last tough guy @ from the miku simp with the tumblr badges literally didn't scan and I only found out about this from opening my email and clicking the blog notes!

Yeah, I know you abled-bodied little shits wish god nuked you half as much as she nuked me since you're begging not to be perceived as feeling anything in your legs since you wanna be a vegetable that bad so you can have access to your weeby little comfort items and Mickey D's toys forever because you're never gonna grow up and get laid and I know you're gonna understand this as much as I understand tiktok memes because back in my day it was a Beelzebub Song but let me teach y'all's lil' steven universe sour cream studio ghibli guzzling wannabe misgendering unwashed surfer brah asses about something called hyperbole and sarcasm and metaphor and what a real dramatic "queer reading" means : It means I know and I don't care and if you want me to be nit picky about it y'all are too special needs to even mind your spelling...

And in this context means no disrespect but sometimes I wish I had as much the privilege and confidence as a low support needs abled-bodied autistic on social media explaining a thing about their Fandumb Oppression Olympics to be able to get away with typing like that much of a high support needs retarded version of myself while pretending to be that shocked by what a woman in a wheelchair is saying while causally misgendering her while I don't have any OCD regarding using any sort of punctuation while I'm doing that so abled bodies don't think I'm retarded, because I'm an abled-bodied autistic that can get away with doing the best impression of a retarded version of myself because I'm quirky brah it's not that deep but this lady who I just called "dude" and I have no idea how she feels about that doesn't Know Her Memes TM and that's what matters.

Not that a bunch of abled-bodied autistic weebs are trying to gang up on an actually disabled wheelchair user right now over what again, essentially amounts to a fandumb superiority/bully complex bigger than the weebs on Big Bang Theory and again, essentially started over Spoopynatch dishorse,,,,,

Because when abled-bodied autistics talk like that online or irl itssamememario but if my wheelchair bound arse ever did that in front of an older abled-bodied authority figure or anyone abled-bodied really...! Nitwit school. Special Needs Programing. 9PM curfew stuck in a group home.

Anyway, Homestuck ended years ago go lobotomize yourselves with a sharpy collective hallucination style if you wanna unlive that angy abt it!

Was shit like this why I'm getting so many new followers? Thanks but no thanks kidz go listen to your bops! ;) ♥

Have fun being stuck in your little tenderqueer fandumb mode forever because you made sure Hazbin is my last one but at least I'm a recovering Disney Adult using her Vivzietine patch instead of a little shit gen z otaku who's so spoiled I can get away with pretending to be more brain damaged than I actually am!! ;) ♥ X.O

(But oh, before I go @poutyrootveggie ...

"#ITS A MEME ABOUT PEOPLES UNNECECARY DOGSHIT HELP #I NEED THIS TO BE SATIRE" .. You mean a bunch of unnecessary dog shit like..? A bunch of weebs and apparent Homestuck and Supernatural fans trying to collectively dogpile on a Hazbin Hotel fan sharing on a fandumb post on fandumb website tungle.hel when they try to scold you about wishing you were doing s satire when they don't understand hyperbole and you wish that this abled bodied shit autistic with a Miku plushie for an icon and tumblr badges was a satire in and of themselves but deep down you know they're seriously pathetic enough to think, again that, causally misgendering and harassing a wheelchair bound woman for barking too loud about their own Special Interest Demon Discourse TM on a post made by a person with the studio ghibli cat TM as their icon talking about their demon shit rusty nail show discourse cause they're loser who liked that dog shit in the first place and I know I have far superior taste than any of ya so don't fucking @ me again... You think any of this cyberbully shit when I was just minding my own damn business and didn't even @ OP sharing sharing my fandom story fandumb story on a fandumb post on a fandumb website makes you look like the good ones? You mean pulling some "unnecessary dog shit" on me like that?

Well, jokes on you hon...This Hellhounds second bite fueled by Kesha's Cotten Candy bit down so hard on that lil' pussy OP got so scared of me that they blocked me back, meaning I couldn't even fucking hear you when you tried to @ me to stir shit up again and hows this for a final anime showdown? I'm pulling a Hatsune Miku putting my headphones back on so I won't be able to fucking hear you again.. You abled-bodied-wannabe-tard! LA! LA LA!`~ ♥

You want my silence? Pay me for it!

[anotherobsessedsomething]

~ 30 Questions Tag ~

Got tagged by @illicitfuck thank you Rei for thinking of me <3 you made my day you have no idea how much I love tags and answering questions :D

1) name/nickname: Not sharing my real name on here and I also don’t really have a nickname but I use Persephone for writing and stuff so maybe you could say that that is my nickname. (Feel free to call me Persephone on here if you want to :D)

2) star sign: Taurus

3) height: 5′3 / 160 cm

4) birthday: May 6th

5) favorite bands: Måneskin (thanks Rei for already putting them here :P :D), The Rolling Stones, The Bee Gees, Muddy What?, Santana, Rosenstolz,  Electric Light Orchestra, BAP, Smokie and a lot more that don’t come to my mind right now :D

6) time: 9:30 pm

7) favorite solo artists: Oh god let me think I don’t even listen to that many solo artists on a regular basis (like in more than just a few songs of them)... okay here is what came to my mind: Lucky Dube, Suzi Quatro, Frank Sinatra, Harpo... that’s all I could come up with sorry :D

8) song stuck in your head: Amandoti Cover by Måneskin

9) last movie you watched: Twilight

10) Dream Trip: Right now I just want to be somewhere at the ocean like Italy or Greece (but somewhere not so touristy because I don’t like people :D) and just chill there and relax. My future dream trip I hope I can do after my graduation in 2 years is going to Botswana for 2 Month.

11) Last Show: Young Royals on Netflix

12) When I Created This Blog: When I started writing fanfictions about 3 years ago.

13) What I Post: Whatever I am obsessed with which right now is Måneskin :D and random thoughts or stuff I like or find funny or important :D Idk I just post about whatever I like :D

14) Last thing I googled: “In which direction to turn your key to open the front door ” (The story behind this: I moved into a new apartment two weeks ago and it’s all new and it has super heavy doors that are so fucking hard to open and after desperately trying to unlock the stupid door for five minutes I wasn’t so sure anymore about which way is the right way to turn the key because neither way worked and I was afraid of breaking the key if I accidently turn it to hard in the wrong direction. End of story: I called my bf almost crying asking if he remembered which direction is the right one and he did and then I tried again with full force and the damn thing finally opened)

15) Other Blogs: None

16) Do I get asks? Sometimes but not many but I’d love to get more so if you wanna ask me anything or talk to me please feel free it always makes me so happy if people want to talk to me :)

17) Why I Chose My URL: Because it’s who I am, just another obsessed fangirl :D

18) Following: 167

19) Followers: Tumblr says 1212 but most of these are bots because if I post something there are usually about 10 people who interact with my posts (unless something goes viral in a tag of course) It’s very annoying because I’d actually like to know how many people are really following me and are interested in my stuff but I guess I’ll just never know...

20) Average Hours Of Sleep: I need 7-8 hours minimum and if I get less than 6 hours I feel like shit

21) Lucky Number: 13, 7, 2, 21 (just numbers I like for whatever reason when I was a teenager 13 definitely was my lucky number)

22) Instruments: None because sadly I have no musical talent :/ I tried to teach myself playing guitar when I was 16 but I failed :D But I am actually thinking of trying to learn an instrument again these days just because I find it very cool to make your own music and it’s just such a nice way to express yourself and tbh also because of Vic De Angelis and her bass :D

23) What Am I Wearing: I just took a bath and just put on some comfy clothes after so I am simply wearing sweat pants and one of my bf’s shirts I stole from him because I like oversized shirts :D

24) Dream Job: Being an actress. It simply is my passion. Right now I am studying social work though (which I like too) but I am trying to do some acting on the side because seriously when I am infront of a camera I just feel like that’s where I belong. I just did some filming in May and June and when I was on set I realized that I haven’t been that happy and didn’t feel that much like myself since years and even if it’s just a no budget movie for now it’s like one step closer to my dream. Also I could totally imagine working part time as a social worker but also doing acting jobs because it would certainly put some pressure off if I’d have a steady income and can just choose whatever projects I like without necessarily having to earn a living with it (not that I’d complain lol)  :D

25) Favorite Food: Pasta & Potatoes in any form. :D Oh and Antipasti because I just love having many different dishes to choose from.

26) Tea or Coffee: I drink neither of it regularly.

27) Nationality: German.

28) Favorite Song: Right now Vent’anni by Måneskin (and basically half of their discography)

29) Last Book I Read: The midnight rose by Lucinda Riley

30) Top 3 Fictional Universes I Would Like To Live In:

1. Harry Potter Universe (because we don’t like JKR in this house but we certainly love the Potterverse especially if we can make it so queer that JKR would faint lol)

2. Maybe “Die jungen Ärzte” (= ”The young doctors”) It’s a german medical drama series maybe you could compare it to Grey’s Anatomy just less dramatic and with more happy endings :D anyway I just love that series and the actors and the characters and I’d really like to live in that universe just so I could for once have such caring and nice doctors treating me who’d magically find a solution for my chronic illness just like they always do on TV :D

3. Idk does the kind of fictional Universe where I am friends with Måneskin count? :D

I am tagging: @parva-noctua @ginny-lily @bexfangirlforlife and everyone who wants to do this, no pressure though :)

[ayy-spec]

Anything to Add?

The final question in this survey was a write-in section for people to leave any additional comments. 113 people responded.

Important/Particularly Interesting Comments

• I hope this goes well for you because you seem nice and if you have any advice for new to the community 15 year olds like me, don't be afraid to share because I'm trying to embrace my sexuality as much as possible but it can be hard when I don't know where to go or turn to to find what I'm supposed to do and where to ask questions and just fully embrass this part of me and it can be hard when I don't even know many if any aspecs so representation is great and it is helpful to hear your experiences and how you handle certain parts, so just keep doing what your doing because it is making a difference [note: 🥺🥺😭]

• i often consider myself more as just aroace rather than aro and ace seperately so i prefer seeing the blue and orange aroace flag over the individual aro and ace flags

• I don't really shorten my identity often with aroace, only when im feeling very romance repulsed and its been a while since I felt romantic attraction. I am a pan-demiromantic asexual. My pan label makes me feel more connected to the lgbt+ community bc it feels like my nonbinary and intersex status doesn't count either. I know I belong in the queer community, but the lgbt+ community is so sexual orientation focused.

• Thank you for having a wide variety of labels to choose from in the options!! I don't see the term aegoromantic very often on things, it feels nice to be known I guess haha

• Thank you for this, i recently started thinking about being in arospec and it was so relieving, all this time i thought something was wrong or maybe i was broken. I'm still trying to learn more about it, and I'm grateful for people willing to teach and help

• didn't realize I hadn't experienced sexual attraction until I finally did and was like "OH, no wonder all my other relationships felt like I was playing pretend"

• I dont often tell people I'm gray aroace. Not because of shame or it not being "as important" (I'm a gay trans dude) but I think because I just feel its a very intimate part of myself, as well as my romanticism and sexuality (in terms of like asexuality) feeling as though it doesn't always need a label. I'm fine just being myself most of the time, a lot of labels can be tricky for myself I think. I'm happy the label exists nonetheless though because Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

• I'm queer! But if I'm getting down to the bones of it, I'm pan/ace. Still relearning how to be proud of that, after The Grand Clusterfuck years back.

• even though I would be considered to have an alloromantic orientation, alloace isn't really a term I feel any strong connection or attachment to

• i'd like to add that i do consider myself alloaro and use that label openly but i'd also not consider myself 100% allosexual. i'm questioning my sexuality but even if i do end up feeling more solidly ace-spec i'd still use the alloaro label

• Idk who else does this or if this is interesting enough to write down, but I thought I would! I use Aroace as a label. Other, smaller labels inside that would probably fit me better! Aroace feels too big, like it doesn't *really* define exactly who I am. But at the same time, I prefer using it because more people know what Aroace means (at least compared to myrromantic and myrsexual). I use Aroace so the public can define me. I don't typically use it around my close friends 'cause they already know my idiosyncrasies and where I really am. They already made their own definitions for me, so I don't have to make one for them!

• I'm still figuring myself out, so I leave myself at the blanket terms and hopefully everything'll work out in the end

The rest of the responses are below:

Comments Alerting Me About Typos (that I was then able to resolve)

• There's a typo in your "sexual orientation labels" question, because you have Aroflux listed and not Aceflux, but I didn't want to confuse things so I put Aceflux (which I do use) under Other. I also am polysexual (I flux between polysexual and asexual but I am always aegosexual) but didn't know if I should but it under Other anywhere since it's not an acespec label. I consider my polysexuality tied to me being aego/aceflux though, which is why I mention it here.

• the sexual orientations options are the same of the romantic ones ( for example, there's arovague and arospike in the sexual cathegory)

People Clarifying/Expounding Upon Their Own Identity/Experiences

·  to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

• I’m still a confused gorl and I really only know that I don’t like sex it sexual acts but I do like romantic and sensual acts

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• I'm also animesexual and fictosexual (and romantic I guess but I don't like using the SAM for myself).

• I have never seen most of these labels, haha, I expect one of them is the one I always forget that's for being aro due to past trauma but people always assume it's romantic/sexual trauma so I don't use it and thus have forgotten it...but that's the essay I'm not usually up for writing: was biromantic but then had several awful life events on top of each other and had a complete breakdown and have been aro since. Unclear if it's permanent but it's been 14 years now. [note: I believe this person is thinking of caedromantic]

• I tend to use the word ace more than asexual because it's shorter, but I don't feel more favorably about one than the other.

• i can't tell the difference between platonic vs romantic attraction, and am unsure if people i have "liked" in the past was romantic, platonic, or a fake stemming from peer pressure.

• Also Gender-Neutral/Agender

• I’m gray-aro but identify more with being biromantic even though I know I’m aro-spec. As for sexual orientation, I’m just completely ace xD

• The fact I'm still trying to figure out my gender makes it harder to pinpoint exactly what my orientations are :( but I usually say I'm queer, and if it's safe: Bi Ace, and if I can get more specific: biromantic grey-asexual

• I also use a platonic label (biplatonic). I use it not in a friendship way, but more like in a QPR way.

• Thank you for doing this! My identity on the aro/ace spectrums has shifted a lot over the years and while I’ve just settled on aroace and queer for the most part, this community is so diverse and under appreciated. People who find joy in/identify with micro-identities are valid and deserve representation!

• I'm still figuring out my romantic orientation but it's looking less allo by the day lmao

• My romantic label is very fluid, but in terms of sexual labels, very sex repulsed Asexual

• Content with just Aspec cause it's difficult to pinpoint anything but cool with both asexual/ace and aromantic/aro

• I think of my romantic orientation as halfway between aromantic and homoromantic

• I'm a polyamorous ace, if there'd be a way to include that sometimes that'd be neat :)

• I am still questioning my identity

• I used to identify as 100% ace but now I have no idea other than that I seem to be pan-ace in some way shape or form so my identity is ???people???

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

Queer Rights

• Trans rights, baybee 🤠🦂

• I just hope a-spec and aro-spec people will experience less negativity and hate this year <3

• Aspec rights!!

• aspec rights, baby

People Being Nice to Me  (I appreciated this thank you everyone!!)

·  :)

• Have a good day

• Uhhh, cool survey, nice to see a lot of labels.... good job! Nothing I have to add, it was great

• Have fun chief, thank you for your work

• Thank you for creating!

• thanks for the survey! I don't know too many aspec in person so I love participating in things like this about the ace/aro community!

• Thank you for what you’re doing

• just hi :)

• thanks!!

• I really love your blog! Reading your posts always makes me happy :) [note: thank you!]

• Good luck, have a nice day !

• I hope you're having a good day :)

• you're lived and valid af!! have a great day!!!

• Thank you for all your hard work i really appreciate it ☺️

• Drink some water Right Now OP

• Nope, :> hope the best for you.

• Cool survey, 10/10 would survey again.

• 💛

• Have a nice day uwu

• Nope! Have a nice day!

• Thank you for making pride flag edits! They're really nice! [note: thank you!!]

• nope, but this is really cool!!

• ❤️

• Have a good day.

• I think this survey idea is super cool! Definitely a great way to see what sort of aspec people are on tumblr :)

• You are doing the lords work

• Thank you for asking us.

• good luck!

• This is really cute idea :)

• I hope you're having a nice day!

• Good luck in your endevours!

• Thank you for making our community visible!

• Have a good day :3

• Have a good day!!

• Keep doing great stuff!

• Thank you for all the positivity I get from your blog! It's super helpful, keep it up :) [note: thank you!!]

• thanks for doing this. recognition is always nice

• Have fun <3

• Lots of love 💛

• This is a cool project, thanks for doing it and good luck! :)

People Saying They Love Me (and I love you, random a-specs)

·  i love you OP!!!!!

• love you, hope you have a great day

An A-Spec Person Being Rude to Other A-Specs

• If you enjoy sex with your romantic partner then you are not asexual

A Person Who Is Not A-Spec Being Rude To A-Specs

• sweetie im sorry that you're so insecure that you feel like you have to make up new identities to feel better about yourself. if you are a lesbian or bisexual please know that you are welcome in the community, but other than that making thousands of microlabels like this makes a huge joke out of what was once an important and respected group. nobody takes us seriously anymore because of this shit. does labelling your identity like this really help you with anything? demisexual and fraysexual and all this are just fancy words for normal human feelings that everyone has. there is no need to microlabel it.

Other

· [variations of “no” (12)]

• not sure that helps lmao but still hope it does. all the best

• Axolotls (or as I like to call them, asexulotls) are amazing and I love them [Note: the man in question]

• Sorry, I can't remember the names of any blogs that do edits

• Ok random but the colors of the aro/ace flag? The blue and orange one? They’re gorgeous.

• I'm not so sure if I should use the aroace flag, I feel comfortable using both aro and ace flags, but I don't like the colors for the aroace flag :c [note: these are in chronological order, it’s a total coincidence that these comments are together]

• Curious to see where the survey goes

• It would be cool if you could also do some aplatonic-spectrum edits!

• there were fully half of the terms on that list that i had never even seen before. like, everything below litho down to no label was entirely new to me. at some point i will look into those! (but not right now, my brain is full enough at the moment)

• actually had to look up the majority of these orientations. Thank you for the opportunity to learn!

• Gonna reblog and follow and hopefully learn a bit more, about others and myself

Note: The only comment that is not listed in order is the first comment, which I put at the top because I found it the most important. It’s so important that kids and teens have space to explore their identity and learn about themselves. The reason I made this blog in the first place was because I was 19 and working on figuring out my gender and sexuality. Now that I’m a bit older and understand things better, I’m so glad that I’m able to help people in this way. 

I make it a point to be very openly queer in my life and at work because I need LGBTQ+ people, especially youths, to know that we’re here. I’m lucky that I live somewhere that I can be visibly queer and speak about it openly. We are everywhere, and there’s more of us than you think!

Something that I really like about the comments at the top is that they show how diverse we are, and how people use words differently. Some people feel like they’re more aroace than aromantic and asexual separately, and others consider their romantic and sexual orientations to be completely different things.

I definitely relate to the person who identifies are myrromantic and myrsexual with their friends but just says aroace when speaking with people they don’t know as well. I believe a lot of people use different words depending on who they’re speaking with.

[hodariblue]

a birth day

I don’t have too many words for what it means to make it to this solar revolution/return. But as talking to myself through timespace has been one of my main ways of moving through this experience, here are a few:

I have struggled seeing myself in the future and have often romanticized my own early death because I coped with my trauma through normalization and finding beauty in the most painful of circumstances. It hurt too much to expect something better and be repeatedly disappointed, so why not turn the turmoil into meaningful plot lines in some inspiring coming-of-age film within my head? A film where my death inspires other people to live out their dreams or be kinder to one another - a thought rooted in deep insecurity as well as some over-inflation of my importance. Like what if I died, and that was it?                   I        just          died,          and everything mostly          continued                 exactly         as          it         did                 when I was here.

I am growing and working on unlearning this

Giving myself the space            to feel/fill            possibilities that excite me

Giving myself permission

And as I do this,

every day feels a lot like a miracle.

Like a divine opportunity to learn and experience. To notice new details. Like turning a new page in the coloring book that is my life. I feel this more on some days than others, but I am beginning to internalize this as a foundational truth of my existence. Hopefully.

Maybe feeling death so closely means I get to feel life closely too. 

Hopefully.

And it feels a lot like a miracle. 

Like the clarity of a new glasses prescription, but even that takes time to adjust to. I got so used to seeing things as I did that I didn’t even know it could be better.

Or like giving birth to a baby, but that is also painful, too. From what I’ve heard. And scary. What a grand release of control and also an act of so much power. All at the same time. The bravery in letting go.

I would not be the me that I am today without all of the people and other beings I am privileged to build and remember home with. 

I’m talking bout 

the sweet older Black women I see at Piedmont grocery who greet me with the warmest of smiles                                                                                   and                                                                                  the red hibiscus flowers I see on the corner of 62nd on my morning walk - near the JW church and Bushrod Park                                             and                                                                                      the loved ones who share the biggest of bear hug embraces with me - the ones that have you saying mhmmm so deeply like damn this got my bones feeling held. like all the way down to marrow. like damn i didn’t know i could be snatched like this.

So as I’m here reflecting on my own experience, I can’t help but think of all of my loved ones, too. I love you, deeply. And I am practicing loving you and myself unconditionally. I believe it is one of the most radical things we can do in a system that teaches us to hate each other and ourselves. 

The word “radical” means relating to the root. What if the root of all evil and harm is a lack of love? I know it sounds cheesy. And I know the Bible says the root of all wrongdoing is a love of money. But if money is just a tool to express value then maybe starting with value makes more sense. To get to the root.

“I love you“ 

as in “I value you” 

as in “you are important to me” 

as in “I am so grateful you are here” 

as in “I am in the practice of loving you exactly as you are in your entirety” 

as in “I am here with you, and I don’t always know what’s best, but I’m still here” 

as in “I enjoy yo ass so much and I don’t know how to express that to you in any other way than with this phrase we got, and even that shit ain’t enough”

It’s my first birthday without my dad here in this plane, and it’s tough cus I know he wanted to see me last year, but I was too caught up in my flow and too afraid of him truly seeing me that we didn’t get to be together. We hadn’t been physically together in about 6 years but emotionally even longer with the ways he was moving through his (*our) mental illness.

Wildly enough, I think we are somehow closer now than we’ve ever been. 

I get to be with my mom today. What an honor. After all, it is her birth day, too. And she’s sleeping on some couch cushions in pink silk pajamas with orange ear plugs and a black eye mask in my room right now, and it’s complex because every relationship is, but she is here. With me. 

And that is enough.

Often times the simple things are enough: 

laughing in the car crying to memes - how you’ve been so serious healing your trauma and working on yourself all these years that you forgot what laughter could do in a few minutes, 

biking down telegraph with a loved one on the bike they gave you - seeing the sunshine turn their golden curls even brighter and the way their brown rich skin activates and glows - how light your breath feels in this moment,

tarot table turned pisces-to-pisces check-in about lovers and what it means to be our own lovers on our paths of becoming - remembering we are the greatest romance of our lives,

dancing in the blues and reds of the club losing our hard forms and lines becoming soft silhouettes - sweat, spirit and smiles - ancient movement,

breakfast in the backyard on a leant, white, antique table with lopsided legs and so much to offer, 

running naked into ocean beach under a full moon remembering what felt like your entire life for the first time, 

skating near the Disney center in downtown LA like we owned the streets - like we were frozen out of time - like we were never getting older,

These are the moments I live for. The ones that really help me stay here. The ones that help tip the scales from tragedy and pain to joy and freeness. But it is a scale, and it’s all there at the end of the day. That’s what makes it whole. Both sides. That’s what makes me whole. Both sides.

Imma make a blog this year, since instagram ain’t really a word place, aaannnnd I worry I take up too much space there. It’s my digital inner space though, and people can come and go as they please. There really is no pressure. Anyways, in the spirit of missing out on my queer Tumblr youth endeavors, maybe this will be another dimension of my exploration.

Imma make a book, too. Cus why not?

Imma make an album, too. Cus it sounds fun.

And a movie, too. Cus I already see my life as one.

Soundtrack for this post is Devonté Hynes “Hair”  (feel free to run this scene back with this song playing in the background) (or not - it’s your trip)

Thanks for being here. Cheers to another linear year together. May we continue moving in circles.

Notes: *I say “our” mental illness because I refuse the notion that mental illness and our emotional/spiritual wellness is ever solely individual. We are social interconnected beings, and what my pops had to move through was deeply related to the ills our larger society suffers from. 

[aro-culture-is]

So... I think I'm coming to a conclusion about my aro ace/allo/acespec/demi community thing. I haven't gotten a ton of replies, and my sincere thanks to those who have as you've given me plenty of food for thought. I think I'm deciding to drop the SAM. It served me well for quite a while, and while I think I'll still maintain connections to the ace community, I find it just isn't a welcoming place for me anymore.

As a result, this perpetually confused enby has something to say:

To the ace community, especially the aroace community,

You have been my solace for a great many years. You've been with me as I began my exploration as someone who's been every letter of the acronym and probably dozens more. I learned that I did not seem to like those who I was expected to like, and I fell face first into the gay community. I learned that that term usually means that you felt differently (and goodness was that a shock) to the "same sex". After spending perhaps a month blustering through that, I thanked the community for their support in my quiet, silent way, and I moved on.

Next, I realized that I felt rather similarly to anyone out there. Per my experience, I thought and spoke with two friends, and I tried on bisexuality and pansexuality. But, the labels fit very oddly and after two short weeks of that, I realized no term I'd applied to myself worked.

And then, I found asexuality. Or, perhaps, asexuality found me. I had seen the term, could define it, but I hadn't applied it to myself or even considered it. Maybe that was a sign of things to come, or, more likely, that thought was a sign of an English class too many. I thought it was kinda weird at first. Not the lack of attraction, mind you, but the fact that I was applying it as a term to describe myself. I suppose, looking back, there have been enough blurry moments of maybe sexual attraction that I've analyzed and recategorized so often as to have forgotten the feeling itself. But I digress. I finally had a home base. I hadn't had a conventional crush yet, and that seemed to be an easy way to identify oneself as asexual.

But at some point, I also found the aromantic community. I don't remember it. It warranted a fair amount of attention though, and I recall knowing unlike anything before that this was a term that would be mine. I would quickly establish that I always felt more aro than ace, but the aro community was small and the ace community large, so I stayed.

The asexual community at the time was large, entertwined with the aromantics I knew or knew of. I felt welcome. I don't know that I can still say the same. My disconnect began early freshman year of high school, with the appearance of the discourse.

So much was lost. I thank my unhealthy interest in Myers Briggs typology as a middle schooler for bringing me to Tumblr before the steady loss of my communities hit. Discussion was rich and frequent, diversity and openness to all was the main goal (it was, of course, not perfect). Even if you felt attraction, we welcomed the travelers who thought our label might help them. You could label yourself however you wished and I remember that it would, at worst, start discussion. Over a few short, stressful months... everything began to vanish. First went some blogs I didn't know, then went any semblance of others even pretending to really care what we as asexuals called non asexuals, and lastly, our culture of discussion that did not center on our inclusion slipped away.

You were my community. I was afraid. I bolstered myself with the statement that these opinions were only online until the fateful day in my life where they weren't. My life shifted and changed as a fellow queer leader camp attendee interrupted my teaching about the definition of QPRs with others who had asked for an aromantic opinion. "What, a friendship? God, stop making up terms" he snapped. The other campers watched. I defended the term, on high alert and the defense, experience from the online discourse pushing me to tread with caution.

The next day my camp would hold "sexuality caucuses" in which we separated into groups based on our orientations to discuss our experiences with those like us. Myself and three other aroaces were delighted to meet others like us, and immediately challenged the adult in charge when he called for the "asexuals" to go to our room. We declared ourselves the aspec caucus and pointed out that anyone with an overlapping identity was welcome. We then spent a singular, happy hour discussing anything we wished with no discourses around to distract us. We left to our assigned peer groups excited and glowing.

Here, they rejoined their groups and I mine. Here, I excitedly babbled to my peer leader of how wonderful it was to be in a group where discourse was not killing our discussion, were we could simply exist. Here, she crushed me. Here, she told me that she didn't think we belonged in the community. Here, she said this in front of my group and I deflated like a popped balloon. Here, I affirmed that this label that had never felt quite right felt more and more like a rock I would stand on, alone, adrift. After the meeting ended, I left to cry alone. My adult mentor would appear minutes later, apologize for having missed what had happened, and admit to not knowing the term asexual. I explained it and felt the burden of trying so hard only to fall so hard.

My group would self-advocate. In response to this incident, I arranged a voluntary meeting for breakfast the next morning about aspec topics. Many were incredibly interested and willing to ask us deep questions. The peer mentors as a whole did not show. They had partied that night and slept through it. My peer leader apologized that she did not come. I smiled and left.

I would struggle for nearly two more years before I accepted, over the last year, that I wasn't asexual. I wouldn't admit it until January. I wouldn't know where else to turn but the community with which I had spent so long in, knew the pain of, fought for and educated as, struggled and learned and laughed together as one with. This occurred as the aroallo and aroace community split suddenly became a prominent part of my dashboard.

I don't know where I'd land. Demi was a label I settled on. But... I'm done playing that game. I'm done settling. My experience as ace was painful. My experience with the aro community was my breaking free, my "so invisible they almost don't hurt us", and in the ages of insecurity, I took that. Invisibility is not a privilege. It was, however, a place in which I rested. As the asexual community began to rebuild, it wasn't a place for me anymore. There's such a large culture of aces not having sex, aces being "able to love", aces 'being able to have good marriages", and aces who are aro and run blogs with aroace in the title who almost never talk about aromanticism. The aromantic community of today is more of the type of group I remember and loved, though a little more salty and closed off. I understand. I feel the same. I don't know quite how dropping the SAM will turn out for me, but I think it's well past time.

I hope this description of my struggles in self identification will resonate with others. I hope that people will know and understand, or read and wonder. But ultimately, I want for people to realize: a label that you settle for does not have to be yours. You are not obligated to identify with every label that could fit you, that you've called yourself, or even a label you've spent years searching for. Self acceptance is one thing. Labels are another.