#Thank you for also giving me a chance to draw them again. I miss our equine girls everyday.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I finally got around to drawing Lan Wunian and Xiao Pingguo! I hope you like them 😊

WOAH!!! This is so stunning! I'm truly speechless, thank you!

[scarletqueenx]

chapter two - i miss you, i’m sorry

Dean Winchester x Female Reader

Summary: Dean and you had dated for a few months before his father disappeared and his journey with Sam began. Now, having made a deal to save his brother's life and with only a year to live, Dean considers reconnecting with the only girl he's ever had feelings for. You.

Author’s Note: English is not my first language. This is my first time writing in the readers perspective, as i'm used to write oc´s.

series masterlist

Dean knew, from the state they had found you, that you were in serious condition. So waiting for the doctors to update them on your state was getting frustrating.

He couldn't ask about your either, as he wasn't your family. And if he showed his real concern, Henry and Peter would start to ask questions. Sam was trying to distract him, telling him about possible cases, but Dean was barely listening. He hadn't even been able to kill whoever or whatever had done this to his ex-girlfriend.

"Holloway?" The doctor's voice pronouncing your last name brought him out of his thoughts.

Henry quickly stood up, while Peter closed the comic book in his hands to pay attention to the doctor's explanation. Sam and Dean remained seated, listening closely.

"Yeah. Hi. It's me, I'm her father." Henry answered, approaching the doctor. "Is she okay?"

"Mr. Holloway. I'm doctor Ross." The man introduced himself, shaking his hand. "I am the one who took care of her." He explained. Henry nodded in silence. "She had a head concussion. But the CT came back negative. There is no sign of brain damage. She also has a couple of broken ribs and lost a lot of blood, so we've had to give her some transfusions. All of that said, we think she is going to be fine." Henry sighed with relief, while Dean felt how his breathing became normal again. Beside him, Peter could sense his relief, squinting his eyes at him in confusion. "She is still asleep. We're waiting for her to wake up, hopefully it won't be long. Everything seems normal. She's been lucky."

"Thank you, Doctor. Thank you so much." Henry said. "When will we be able to see her?"

"I will have a nurse take you. Although only family is allowed at the moment."

Dean was afraid he would say that, but a part of him already knew. He wanted to see you, but he also knew he had no right to.

"Guys, I haven't had a chance to thank you yet." Dean and Sam stood as Henry approached them. "I am very grateful that you found her. We both are, aren't we, Peter?"

"Yeah, of course." He nodded. Sam gave him a little smile. "Although I'm actually the one who found her."

"Peter."

"What? It's true."

"We're just happy she's okay." Sam interrupted their little discussion. Feeling secretly jealous of the father-son relationship the two seemed to have.

Henry smiled at him in appreciation.

"Do you think maybe we could see her?" Dean asked, drawing the man's attention. "To know what she can tell us about the thing that attacked her?" He quickly clarified.

"I'm sure she'll want to hunt it down herself." Henry answered.

"No. Yeah. Of course. But she's hurt, and that thing can still hurt people."

"Yeah, you're right." He admitted, thoughtfully. "When she wakes up I'll ask her. I'm sure she would like to thank you too."

"Thanks."

"In the meantime, you can go back to our house." Henry declared, pulling the keys out of his jacket and holding them out to Dean, who looked at them in confusion. "If she tells me anything I will let you know. It's late, you should rest."

His concern for them was rare for the Winchester brothers. Although deep down they appreciated it.

"You should take Peter with you. If it's no problem."

"No. It's okay." Dean answered.

"Wait, wait, wait." The boy exclaimed, looking up at his father. "No. I want to see her."

"Peter, it's late." He answered. "And you have school tomorrow."

"Do you seriously think I'm going to class after today?" He asked in disbelief. "She needs me by her side."

"She is in good hands." His father assured him, crouching down to be at his level. "The doctors will take care of her. I will take care of her."

"What if that thing comes after me?" He then asked.

"I doubt it. But if that's the case, that's what they're here for, isn't it? To hunt it down." He said, pointing to the Winchester brothers.

"Because they've been doing so well so far." He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, cut the attitude." His father requested, frustrated. "They've come here to help without expecting anything in return. Be a little nice to them, okay? "

"Whatever."

Henry rose back up, giving Dean and Sam an apologetic look.

"Hey, kid." Dean called him. "How about a pizza? We can stop and get some on the way back to your house."

Peter narrowed his eyes at him.

"You're not buying me off with food. I'm not that easy." He assured him.

"Unlike you, Dean." Sam muttered with amusement.

"Shut up." He answered, but Sam keeps an amused smile on his lips.

"All right. I'll go with you." Peter finally accepted with a sigh. "But I won't go to class tomorrow. I want to be with her." He looked back up to his father.

"We'll talk about it later." He answered him. "Thanks guys."

"Yeah, no problem."

Peter didn't went to school the next day. When he woke up, his father still hadn't come home. Henry had spent the night in the hospital, in an uncomfortable chair next to your bed, waiting for you to wake up.

That morning Dean had been the first to get up after sleeping only a few hours. As the younger Holloway went into their home kitchen, Sam was reading on his computer looking for possible cases for him and his brother. Meanwhile, Dean was reading your hunting journal looking for any clues about the man who had kidnapped you and Kaila.

"If it was a demon it will be gone by now." Sam said, looking up at his brother.

"Unless he's still hell-bent on following her." Dean answered. "If we find him, we could finish him off."

"You can't kill a demon." Peter's voice drew the attention of both brothers as their gazes traveled to the kitchen doorway.

Looking at him, Dean took a sip of his coffee cup before answering his statement. "Yes, you can. If you have the right weapon."

"Like what? The Colt?" Peter asked, frowning.

"You know about the Colt?"

"My dad wrote about it in one of his books." He shrugged his shoulders as he walked toward the fridge to pull out a carton of milk. "He thinks I don't pay attention, but I do."

Sam and Dean shared a look.

Walking past Dean, Peter grabbed your diary from the counter and a box of cereal from the nearest cupboard before sitting down next to Sam.

"I was reading that, you know?" Dean looked at him in disbelief.

"It's private." Peter said, fixing a bowl of cereal. "Read a newspaper. Or a book. There's plenty of them on every shelf in this house."

"It's a hunting journal. There's nothing private about it."

Peter squinted silently, watching him closely for a few seconds. Dean turned to his brother, confused.

"You know, my sister knew a Dean once." Peter then said, gaining back the attention of both brothers.

"She did?" Dean asked.

"Yeah." He answered with a nod, looking down at his bowl of cereal. "He was a jerk. Well, I never met him, but he dumped her in a motel near Chicago. He never called or gave any explanation. "

"Yeah, that sounds like a jerk." Sam whispered, turning his attention back to the computer in front of him as he earned an annoyed look from his brother.

"Sharing a name with him doesn't help me like you." Peter admitted, pretending not to notice that little interaction between the two of them.

"Maybe he had a reason for leaving." Dean said, looking back at him.

"Maybe." Peter repeated, staring straight into his eyes.

Dean gulped harshly at his watchful gaze, feeling as if the boy could see right through him.

"You know." He noted after a few seconds, not taking his eyes off him. "You've known since we got here, haven't you?"

Sam turned his head to look at the boy.

"I know my sister like the back of my hand. I know where she keeps everything. Of course I knew." Peter answered, placing on the counter one of the photos you had saved from your time with Dean. "So, what exactly are you doing here? Trying to make up for what an idiot you were?"

Dean sighed, taking the photo in his fingers to look at it carefully.

"Bobby sent us here. I didn't know she was the one we had to look for until we got here." He explained. "I was trying to protect her, you know? When I left."

"You don't have to give me any explanations. Although leaving in the middle of the night seems like something an asshole would do."

Dean didn't know how to answer that, and he was thankful he didn't have to when the phone started ringing. Sam was the one who answered the call, getting up and approaching the phone placed on one of the kitchen walls. Peter looked at him with interest, hoping it was news from his sister.

"It was Henry." He announced, as he hung up the phone. "She woke up."

"Great. I'll wait for you in the car. Be quick or I'll go alone." Peter exclaimed, rising to his feet and leaving the kitchen in a matter of seconds.

"Don't... touch my car." Dean warned him, leaving the coffee mug on the counter as he followed him.

Sam smiled in amusement, grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair.

─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───

Dean could feel your eyes on him as he enter the hospital room after his brother. You didn't seem surprise or confuse to see him there, which funny enough made him more surprise and confuse.

"My father said you saved me." You smiled politely, shifting your gaze to Sam.

"I wouldn't say that much." He answered. "We couldn't finish the guy off, he left pretty quickly. We didn't even saw him."

"It's okay. I think I scared him."

Your response brought a smile to Sam's face. While Dean didn't know how to act now that he stood in front of you.

"I'm glad you're better." Sam said. "I'm...

"Sammy." Your completed, looking at him fondly. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Right." He nodded. "So have I, about you."

Your gaze then turned back to Dean, whose eyes had been locked on you since he had enter the room. A sense of familiarity filled you as your eyes finally met. Part of your was still angry at him for leaving without explanation, another wanted to hug him and tell him how much you had missed him. Dean felt an ache in his chest, as if this meeting was just the beginning of another goodbye.

"I should... leave you two alone." Sam's voice brought you back to reality, reminding both of you that he was still in the room. "It's good to meet you."

"Likewise." You responded with a kind smile.

As Sam left the room a heavy silence settled between Dean and you. His eyes had drifted away from your, looking everywhere and nowhere in particular. But now it was you who couldn't stop staring at him, trying to read his body language.

"I should have known." You were the one to break the silence. Dean's eyes fell on your with a sense of confusion.

"What?"

"That you were a hunter." You clarified with a nervous smile peeking through your lips. "It was pretty obvious now that I think about it."

"That you were wasn't." He admitted, feeling slightly less nervous in your presence. "I really believed the whole 'art student traveling the country' thing."

"That wasn't entirely a lie." Your assured. "I was an art student, but that's not why I was there."

Dean nodded slightly, his eyes dropping to the floor before he spoke again. "Listen, I'm sorry... I left the way I did. I really thought it was for the best."

"For me or for you?"

"You know how this job works. If anything had happened to you... it would have been because of me. I couldn't have that."

"Yes, I understand." You nodded with a slight tone of bitterness in your voice. "But you could have said goodbye, don't you think?" Dean opened his mouth to answer, but you were quick to cut him off. "It doesn't matter now, Dean. I'm over it."

"Right." His voice came out as a whisper. "I'm glad you're okay." You looked away from him, feeling that same pain you had felt when you had woke up that morning years ago without him by your side and no explanation. "I'm... I'm sorry."

As quickly as Dean left the hospital room Sam approached him, following him down the hallway.

"Did you tell her?" He asked him.

"Tell her what, Sammy?"

"Are you kidding? You know what."

"Why would I do that?" He asked, not bothering to look at him.

"Oh, I don't know. Because you've been wanting to call her for months." Sam shrugged. Dean stopped in his tracks, turning around to look at him. "Yeah, I pay attention too. You think I haven't seen you looking at her number in your phone? Well, I have. You want to tell her."

"No, I don't." He assured. "Why would I what to? Tell her I was an idiot back then, that I don't want to leave her again, but then do that exactly in a few months? No, thank you. She doesn't deserve that."

"She deserves the truth."

"Well, I was never good at giving her what she deserves. I'm back to being the jerk who leaves without explanation. I can live with that." He declared, turning away from his brother.

"Dean, you're dying. It's not the same..." Sam insisted, but Dean had already walked away far enough not to hear him.

"He is dying?" Peter's voice caused Sam to turn around quickly.

"What?" He frowned. "It's complicated."

"Listen, I don't even like him." He admitted. "But I know my sister and she loves him, I think. At least she deserves an explanation."

"I know she does. But I'm not the one who should give it to her."

"She's always wanted to get away from here, you know? To travel. She did a job once near Chicago. The only one she's ever done outside of San Francisco. That's where she met Dean." He explained as Sam listened carefully. "You guys do that, you travel around hunting monsters. I think she'd like something like that."

It wasn't hard for Sam to understand what Peter was asking. And the idea of you traveling with them didn't bother him at all. Part of him hoped that you wanted to help Dean as much as he.

"You know that would mean you may not see her for a long time."

"I don't care. I want her to be happy."

One thing that neither Peter nor Dean nor Sam knew was that you already knew about the deal Dean had made to save his brothers life. You knew Dean had little time left before he would be sent to hell. That demon had told you everything, with the sole purpose of hurting you. Because that's what that demon had been doing since you turned 10.

Your battle with that demon was yours alone. That was why you had lied to the Winchester brothers when they had asked you about your attacker. And it was also one of the reasons why going with them and leaving San Francisco seemed like the best idea. So you could hunt him down.

Except for the fact that it would mean spending a significant amount of time with Dean.

─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───

You left the hospital the following day. You had to rest and take some medicine, but the injuries weren't too serious and your ribs would heal on their own. Besides, you were already used to the bruises.

When you and your father arrived at the house, the Winchester brothers were still there. Dean wanted to leave as soon as possible, but Sam had insisted on waiting for you to return. So while Dean was gathering his things, Sam was with Peter. At the younger Winchester's request, the boy was showing him some of the books on supernatural history that his father stored.

Their conversation got interrupted when the curly-haired blond rushed into your arms, happy to have you back home. A groan of pain left the your lips at the jolt, but that didn't stop a loving smile from appearing on your lips.

Dean heard you from upstairs, but he made no effort to join you. Minutes later, he was too focused on his own thoughts to notice your presence in the doorway of the room where he and his brother had stayed over those last couple of nights.

"A deal with a demon, Dean, really?" He turned around at the sound of your voice, meeting your gaze.

"How did you...? Did Sammy tell you?"

"No. He didn't tell me anything." You quickly assured, which only made him more confused. "I lied before. When he asked me about the man who'd attacked me and kidnapped Kaila." You admitted, sitting down on the edge of one of the beds. Dean watched you closely, listening to your words. "I lied. I did knew him. Not with that face, though. He's a demon I tried to hunt down a few months ago. I didn't succeed and since then he's been after me. He told me about it. Somehow he knew about... us. And he wanted to hurt me."

"So you already knew I was a hunter."

"Well, he wasn't the one I wanted to hear it from. But yeah, he told me." You nodded, looking up at him. "Why'd you do it, Dean?"

"Sammy was dead. I didn't have a choice." His response surprised you. Although it was the only logical reason why anyone would make such a deal. "You would have done the same thing for Peter."

He was right and you knew it. But that didn't stop your heart from shuddering at the mere thought of losing Dean again. After just a few exchanges of words and glances, you felt once again so connected to him that the thought of losing him hurt just as much as the first time.

"They really only gave you a year?" You turned to look at him once again as he sat down next to you on the edge of the bed. Dean sighed and nodded. "How long do you have left?"

"A few months." He answered. "And if I try to find a way around it, they'll kill Sam."

"Is that why you came here?" You asked with a frown. "You wanted to apologize before it was to late?"

A sigh left Dean's lips as he turned to look back at you. "I've wanted to apologize from the moment I stepped foot out of that motel room. I cared about you too much. I didn't want you to get hurt."

You didn't know whether to believe him. The last time Dean had said something like that to you it had ended with you waking up in an empty room. But at that very moment, looking into his eyes, you knew he was being completely honest.

"I forgive you, Dean."

"You're just saying that out of pity." He said, turning his gaze away.

"No, I'm not." You assured him, gaining enough courage to take his hand in your. That gesture made Dean flinch, but the familiarity of your touch quickly put him at ease. "That's not the reason. I cared about you too. I still do."

"I don't want to drag you into this."

"You're not. I want to help." You said. "I may not be able to break the deal, but you guys can help me kill this demon that's after me. Peter told me about the Colt. And if you're gonna die, I want to spend whatever time you have left with you. That's of course if you wan-"

"I don't know..." He cut you off, rising to his feet.

"Come on, Dean." You insisted. "We can help each other. Or are you gonna leave Sam just like that?" Dean remained silent, pacing up and down the room. "You were right when you said I'd like him. And if he were Peter... I wouldn't want him to be alone. Plus, I might be able to find a way..."

"You're not going to look for anything." He interrupted you. "I told you, if I try to find a way around it, Sam dies."

"All right." You sighed. "I won't do anything. But..."

"You're won't take 'no' for an answer, are you?" You shook your head. "We leave in 20 minutes." He then said, making you smile.

But, before you could go anywhere with the Winchester brothers, you had to convince your father. Despite being a grown woman of twenty-four, you didn't want to leave without talking to him. You would rather leave things on good terms and discuss the situation.

You knew your father wouldn't be thrilled with the idea, but you had always been good at getting what you wanted from him. Henry also knew you could take care of yourself.

What really worried you was leaving him and your brother alone. Henry was no hunter, he could barely shoot a gun. And even though you had trained Peter to defend himself and they both knew enough about supernatural creatures, you were still worried about leaving them.

"You're not going with them." He answered as he closes his office door.

"Why not? I'll find-"

"It's dangerous." He said, cutting you off.

"I wouldn't hunt alone anymore. And I'd help more people than here." You answered, watching as he walked around the desk to stand in front of you.

"You're hurt." He noted.

"I'll stay out of the fight for a while. I can do research."

"I don't know..."

"I'm going to find that demon, dad." You stated. "They have the Colt, I'll be able to kill him."

"If there's any bullets left. They could have used them all."

"They haven't."

"I hope you're right." He sighed, sitting down. "But I don't want you to put yourself in danger again for this revenge."

"It's more than that and you know it." You answered, sitting in front of him. "I'm doing this to protect us. All of us."

"I know." He whispered, watching you closely. "You won't listen to me, would you?"

"I've never been good at it." You shrugged with an amused smile on your lips.

"No. Neither you or your brother." He sighed. "You two are just like your mother."

"I'll call every day." You promised him.

"You better." He said. "I love you."

"I love you too." You smiled, standing up. "I'll go get my stuff."

─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───

Sam was glad to hear that you would be joining them from now on. Part of him hoped you could help him save his brother. Another part of him was just relieved that if Dean finally ended up in hell, he would no longer be completely alone.

He liked you. Without hardly knowing you, he could already see what had made his brother fall in love with you. Aside from being beautiful, you seemed to be a sweet, caring, strong and intelligent person. He honestly couldn't wait to get to know you more.

"Call me anytime, for anything. Seriously, Peter, anytime." You said to your brother as you crouched down in front of him.

"I will. Don't worry about it." He answered, his eyes traveling behind you, where he could see the Winchester brothers leaning against the car, waiting for you. "I've packed a couple of comics in there, in case you get bored and so you don't forget me." He said, handing you a backpack.

"As if I could." You smiled.

"Dad has also put a gift in there. I think it was something from Mom." You looked down at the backpack.

"Would you thank him for me?" You asked, trying not to show the sadness in your voice. Peter nodded.

"Sure."

You nodded slightly, looking back at Sam and Dean.

"Remember, salt, holy water and silver knife under the bed." You said, looking up again at your little brother. "You have the key to my guns and you know where to hide."

"Relax. I've got it." He assured you, as he had already heard you say that just a few minutes before.

"Okay." You whispered.

"We'll be all right."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." You nodded. "I know."

"I'll miss you." He said, wrapping his arms around you.

"I'll miss you too, buddy." You smiled, hugging him back. "I love you."

"Love you too."

You had never spent that much time apart from your brother. Peter was like a son to you. Sure, Henry was a loving and caring father, but he was also a very busy one. You had always felt like a mother to him. Every time he had a nightmare, Peter would appear in your bed. Every time something exciting happened to him at school, you were the one he told. You just hoped that the distance wouldn't break the bond between you two.

Pressing a kiss to his cheek, you broke away from the hug, getting to your feet to join Dean and Sam in the car.

"Ready?" Dean asked as he saw you approaching him.

"Yup." You nodded.

"All right. The back seats are all yours. You won't be driving anytime soon, so make yourself comfortable." He said, opening the driver's door.

You frowned as your hand gripped the door handle. "Why not?"

Dean looked back at you. "Remember the last time I gave you Baby's keys? I won't make the same mistake."

"I've learned since then, you know." You answered. Dean raised his eyebrows, giving you a serious look. "Fine." You sighed, getting inside the car.

Imitating your action, Dean got behind the wheel. His eyes taking one last glance at Peter, who was waving goodbye to you.

"Come on, Dean, stop frowning." You leaned over the back of the front seats, resting your arms on it and placing your head between both brothers. "We might make a good team." You smiled, before slightly nudging the youngest's shoulder. "Right, Sammy?"

Normally Sam wouldn't let anyone besides his brother use that nickname, but he liked the way it sounded when you said it. So with an amused smile he turned to Dean.

"Yeah." He replied, receiving a not-so-amused look from him.

"Is the rule still the same?" You asked, gaining his attention back as he started the car.

"What rule?"

"You know 'driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole'"

"Right." He nodded.

"Well I'm not riding shotgun and I've got some pretty good cassette tapes here." You informed, looking inside the backpack your brother had given you.

"You're not the driver either." He pointed out.

"Come on, Dean." You insisted. Sam smiled in amusement, looking over at his brother. "I've got good taste in music. You said it yourself."

"I must have been drunk."

"Very funny." You rolled your eyes. "But, seriously, we can't listen to the same four albums all the time."

"I've been telling him that for years." Sam commented.

"Maybe on the next stop."

"Really?" They both looked at him with surprise. You with a gleam of hope in your eyes while Sam did with disbelief.

"I said maybe."

"I take that as a yes." You smiled, leaning against the back the seat.

Keep Reading: Chapter 3

Tag List: @deans-spinster-witch @lmhf1 @mochminnie @helo1281917 @barnes70stark @slyregg

If you'd like to be tagged, drop me a comment

[hermesmoly]

could you write something for zeus? anything will do 🙂

Thank you for asking me this nonnie 🫶🤍 I’ve written a little something for Zeus and Amaltheia (+Hera) Everything is under the cut!

——————————🐐⚡️🪷———————————

The rain poured heavy on Mount Ida that night, almost like the sky was in a fit of rage, or containing a dangerous heartbreak. The cave quaked and loosened its pebbles as thunder roared outside, leaving a young boy inside to quiver under his blanket, the cold wind seeping through his back.

“It’s okay, you’re okay Zeus,” Amalthea soothed, nuzzling one of his ears. The boy’s head rested on her stomach, serving as his pillow. The boy huddled closer to his mother, his blue eyes gently peeking out to match hers. “The sky is angry again.”

“It is, sweet one,” she said, her voice soft among the sound of rain. “The sky is vast and endless, but it too has its limit. It weeps for what it cannot hold,” -and screams for what it cannot be. Her mind finished.

“Hm,” Zeus eloquently replied, sitting up to rub his eyes. Shifting back into her nymph form, tender hands scooped him close. Looking at him now, his golden curls now covering his eyes, the passage of time almost startled her. She still remembered him as a babe, aching for the milk she supplied in the absence of his true mother.

She knew she didn’t have enough time. Enough time with him. But as she held the weight of a small king on her shoulder, fighting his way to a good night's sleep, the nurse of Zeus could not care less. There was no point in wailing about the nature of things, so she would treasure each moment while on this Earth. Just as Gaia intended.

You will one day rule the sky, or the sea, or Tartarus itself, she whispered, kissing his forehead. His hair still damp from the bath she had given him earlier. You will learn to be friends with the rain. You are a fountain of possibilities, my sweet one. An averter of evil. A gardener of change.

Wherever I’ll be, I’ll be watching you.

——————

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” Zeus muttered to himself, in a lonely cave.

Hera was at the entrance, just out of his peripheral view, conflicted if she would go in or not. She checked to see Zeus laying his head on his curled-up knees, her eyes then landing where his were, on the cave drawings his former self had drawn. A smiling stick figure and a goat. Zeus reached to trace the lines, giving with a faint smile, almost broken.

Hera drew back. It felt like intruding on a deeply personal moment. Crete is a foreign place, but it is my brother’s home, she reminded herself.

Willing herself, she goes into the cave. Zeus spots her and tucks his head to the other side, embarrassed. His forehead had bore a scar from what had happened.

“Can I… sit here?”

Seeing his slow nod, she sat gently, leaving space between the two of them.

After a moment of thought, she spoke.

“I’ve always been curious about how and where you grew up. I thought it would be nice to see your old home, a chance to get to know you better, seeing how often we don’t see eye to eye. I also thought by going here it could also help me understand our mother better.”

Her eyes crunched up, voice increasing indignation. “But then you kept avoiding the topic of your home, no matter how hard we tried. Mother won’t look you in the eye. Your goat-shield goes missing, and you act as if Kronos also ate you as a babe. You yelled at Prometheus for offering to make you a new one, accusing a random giant of stealing your shield without proof. And then you tried to mess with that giant by yourself, And then you lied to us about it!”

Each sentence left Zeus more and more ashamed, his eyes now focused on the cave ground. Hera opted to speak softer, her anger dissipated. “You’ve been acting strange all day. I can’t help if I do not know what is wrong. Does it… have something to do with this cave?”

What’s wrong cannot be fixed, Zeus wanted to retort, before stopping himself. She’s right, almost always is. “You’re right. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Hera did not respond, waiting for him to gather his thoughts. He turned to face her, forming a sentence with his mind but his mouth faltered. After a while, he found the words.

“That shield, it’s called an aegis. It may look like a normal ‘goat-shield’, but it’s important to me…

It’s my mom.”

“Your.. mom?” Instead of providing answers, this just opened up more questions.

Zeus nodded, looking a bit amused at Hera’s confused face. Any other day she would retaliate, but she decided to let it slide for now.

“I don’t talk about it because it happened a while ago, but… before Mother Rhea found me, I had a different mom. Her name was Amalthea.” His eyes land on the drawing again, before tracing at the goat.

“That was her?” Zeus confirmed with a nod. “At first I had three nurses entrusted by Mother Rhea, and Amalthea was just the goat who nursed me. But the threat of Kronos meant they could not stay in Crete for long, so they would not be found out as traitors. Rhea appointed the Kouretes to make noise to drown out my cries… and Gaia, she-

“She gave Amalthea a nymph form. A body that allowed her to switch from goat to nymph, whatever form I needed as my nurse. Gaia gave her a new life, a sound mind, a greater form of sentience and- she- I used to sleep on her stomach all the time. One day, when I was still little, I broke one of her horns by accident and cried so loud, the Kouretes were making noises loud enough to block out the noise of the whole Mountain.“ Zeus laughed.

“I was a wreck. I thought she’d be angry and leave me. But she didn’t. She changed herself to her nymph form, showing me she was okay, and held me tight. She filled that horn with fresh herbs and fruit, and said “Even broken things can hold something beautiful.” Zeus smiled fondly at the memory. Hera listened intently, her eyes mirroring his fondness.

“She gave up everything she was for me. Gaia didn’t grant her a purpose outside of raising me, so she never made her immortal. I begged Gaia, begged her to ask Gaia immortality, but neither would agree to it. Said nature can’t be changed. I don’t understand it. I can’t understand why,” Zeus drew his knees, unable to look anywhere other than the ground, tears forming.

“She told me that when she dies, she wanted me to use her skin as part of my shield. So that she’ll always be with me, to protect me. But now she’s not with me. Someone or something took her from me and… I don’t know what to do,” His voice broke.

“..And then Mother Rhea told me we’d travel to Crete to plan, I didn't know how to face the Kouretes again. They kept her horn in case I was ready. I thought I was, but I was wrong. I can’t go back there yet. It was stupid of me to throw myself at that giant. I don’t know if I was angry or just needed a distraction. I’m sorry, for lying and making you all worry.” He buried his head in his arms, feeling a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Hera’s head felt clearer than before. She prompted Zeus to look at her. “From what you told me, I think she loved you deeply. A part of her will is alive, because you keep her memory alive. Wherever she is, she’s watching you.” Hera then stood up, lending a hand to Zeus, who accepted it. She turned to leave the cave, still holding his hand.

“Where are we going?” Zeus asked, still lightheaded from the crying.

Hera turned to give him a soft smile. “First, for you to apologize to our siblings. Then, we leave. That shield won’t find itself now, will it?”

——————

Years later, a new King of The Gods was appointed. The King drew a gentle goat, his cherished nurse, and immortalized her the way she would have liked, into the tapestry of stars. “I think I’ll miss you forever,” he whispered above. From there he feels a drop of rain on his head, and welcomes it.

[munofsilver]

Split Monkey Family 3

Finally posted an update. Sorry, it took so long. AO3 link. Summary: The seal is gone, and Demon Bull King returns to play after he is reunited with his family. MK has his first fight, kind of.

Both Macaque and Yue Yan felt something once the seal was removed. The little cub woke up crying because of fear. Macaque stops eating and picks up his scared daughter. He was rocking her back and forth while humming. 

"It's okay, my plum blossom. You're safe here," Macaque tries to calm Yue Yan down. 

In his mind, he knows what the power they felt was. Someone removed the seal he placed on DBK Mountain Prison. The question is, who did it? Macaque made it so that only Wukong, or himself, could remove it. That's how he remembered making that seal centuries ago. There is no reason for Wukong to remove it. MK doesn't even know anything about it. He's also unsure if MK can even do it. 

Macaque's six ears perk up. He never put his glamor back on. Making a cubsitter, Macaque rushes out. The clone and cub stare at each other, and then Yue Yan cries again, scaring the shadow clone. 

Looking for something to watch on TV, Wukong felt the same power surge. He dropped the chip bag he was holding and swallowed the chip in his mouth. 

"What in the underworld was that?" 

Wukong calls out, standing up. 

"That felt like, but it couldn't. I didn't remove the seal, and I know Macaque never would."  

It takes a moment for the thought to enter Wukong's head. 

"If I'm right and Macaque finds out, he will kill me. At least I will get to see him again. I do miss him," Wukong sighs, then he shakes his head, "No time for that." 

As fast as the wind, Wukong rushes out the door. 

The Demon Bull King overlooks the two below him. He is focusing on his hands. 

"Flesh. Bone. I have returned to the realm of the living," he deeply laughs. 

"Yes, my dear, thanks to these two." 

A feminine voice is heard behind Mei and MK, making them both turn around to see Princess Iron Fan and Red Son. 

PIF stares at her husband while Red Son glares at the peasants. He looks down at them in disgust. PIF walks past the pair and stands next to her love.

"Oh, Demon Bull King. How I've missed you." 

"Princess Iron Fan. The years have been kind to you." 

The happy couple kisses, making Mei dry-hearted. MK has a sad look on his face. Seeing them reminds him of his fathers. He wishes Macaque had never left. Then, he would have met his sister sooner, among other things.  

"Yuck," Mei makes a disgusted face. 

Mei's remark draws the attention of the whole Demon Bull Family. They all glare down at them. MK stares at Mei as she covers her mouth with her hands. 

"Oops," she nervously laughs. 

MK nervously laughs as well, "Do you guys like noodles? I know a great place you will like." 

"It seems a waste to crush something so insignificant as my first act as ruler of this new world, but so be it," DBK snorts. 

That comment makes Mei mad. 

"Insignificant!" She roars. 

"Mei, not now," MK whispers. 

 "Wait, Father," Red Son finally said something. 

It seems DBK didn't like it. He turns around, gives his son a wicked death glare, and makes him gulp.

He clears his throat, "Ahem, waste not your energy on these two peasants. Please allow me to show you how powerful I have become in your absence."  

It sounds like Red Son is trying to gloat and failing. At least his father might have bought it. 

"As you wish," DBK steps down. 

"Maybe this is our chance to escape," MK whispers. 

"Why do that?" Mei whispers back. 

MK gave Mei a look she knew well—a look that said, "Listen to me, I mean it." When MK gives her that look, she always listens. 

Red Boy suddenly stands in front of them. 

"In some ways, you two are very fortunate, Noodle Boy and random girl. Not many insects are lucky enough to be stamped out by the Demon Bull Family."

Mei was about to say something when MK stopped her. With his eyes, he pointed to an exit. MK had heard stories about PIF and DBK from Tang, but he was curious if they were real or if he could take them, even with all his training from his father. 

"Are you even listening to me!? I, Red Son, will not be disrespected! You're both history!" 

He pulls out this huge power glove and puts it on. Sparks come off of it in many places. 

"I was going to use this to free my father. Now that I don't need to, I will use it on you two instead," Red Son gloats.  

Red Son gets ready to punch Mei when MK blocks the attack with his staff, but Red Son's power glove is too much, breaking the staff. Angering MK, his hands become fist-shaking in anger. 

"My father made me that staff. Both my fathers made that staff for me!" He roars as he uppercuts Red Son, sending the demon flying upwards. 

Mei is frozen in shock. She knew Wukong was training MK but never knew he had that much power. MK stares at his furry hand before the disguise returns. The other two were too busy staring at the dot in the sky, that is, their son, to see monkey MK. When Red Son landed in a crater, MK was dragging Mei back to the elevator. 

Embarrassed, Red Son isn't going to let them leave—not without a pounding, anyway. Crawling up from the hole, Red Son starts to flame up. When he notices the two running away, his eyes turn red, and his hair turns into fire. 

"No, you don't!" He yells, charging at them. 

His parents let him go after them as they celebrate reuniting. It's been a few centuries, after all. Plus, neither of them seems to care about MK or Mei. Their son can take care of them, and they don't want to waste this time apart from their son. 

The elevator doors closed in time for them to see Red Son approaching them. Red Son was able to open the doors with ease by melting them. He not only melts the doors but also the cables holding the elevator. Thinking fast, MK turns into a hawk and carries Mei down. 

"I'm so glad your father taught you 72 transformations," Mei sighed with relief. 

"Too bad I can only do animals," MK turns back.  

A massive tower of flame comes from where the elevator used to be, making the two remember Red Son is after them. Without his parents, Mei and MK think they can take him.

Above, PIF and DBK share a loving kiss when a hawk drops down on them, peeking DBK in the eye. Laning in front of them is the Monkey King himself. He crosses his arms and poses in a badass way. 

"I don't know how you got free, but I'm here to put you back, you naughty demon," Wukong grins. 

While he was a bird, he looked around and didn't see his son anywhere, which made Wukong worry and relieved at the same time until he saw MK's training staff broken on the ground. Then he became worried and angry. 

Wukong charged at DBK with his staff. He was about to strike DBK when a strong wind blew him back. 

"I'm not going to lose my husband again. We will retreat for now, but don't worry, my love. You will have your revenge soon enough." 

With another gust of wind, the two vanish. Wukong roars angrily to calm down. Then, he transforms into a hawk and flies off. 

A figure emerges from the shadows, picking up the broken training staff. Looking up in the sky, he sees a hawk flying away. 

"Don't worry, Sunshine, our son is unharmed."

Red Son steps out of the flames and towards the duo. Each step leaves a burnt footprint on the ground. He is grinning like an idiot, thinking he had already won before the fight even began, forgetting all about the free ride MK gave him earlier. 

"Well, well, Noodles boy and random girl, there's nowhere to run to now," Red Son laughs. 

Only to get punched in the face by Mei. Surprising Red Son and MK.

"I'm not a random girl. I'm a dragon girl!" Mei roars. 

They forgot the plan they half-assed made in about five minutes as she tried to copy the punch MK did earlier. Only to manage to knock Red Son back ten feet. Red Son wasn't even shocked, and he still had that grin on his face. 

"That did hurt, dragon girl. Not enough, though," he laughs. 

Mei looks at her hand, then back at MK. 

"I think it's time for you to make him fly again," she whispers to her friend. 

MK shrugs, "I don't know how I did it the first time."  

"We better do something," Mei gulps. 

They both looked at each other briefly before a clanging sound broke the staring contest. On the ground between the duo and Red Son is a golden staff. MK knew this staff right away. He looked up to see a hawk circling them. With a grin, he picked up his father's staff. 

"Stand back, Mei. I got this." 

MK twirls the staff above his head while walking towards his opponent. 

"You really think you can defeat me with a stick," laughs Red Son. 

He stops laughing when MK makes the staff stretch out and wacks him in the stomach, pinning the demon against the wall of the burnt elevator and causing the power glove Red Son was wearing to fall off. MK can hold his father's staff but can't use it well, so he drops it, freeing the fire boy. 

"That is not a normal stick," Red Son coughs. 

MK picks up the staff. Mei also gets into a fighting stance. She doesn't have a weapon, but she does have her fist.  

"Mei, I can handle this. Get out of here." 

"No way, Monkey Boy. You're staying, so I'm staying." 

With an eye roll of fine, MK charges at Red Son, twirling the staff over his head. He strikes at Red Son, but the fire demon jumps out of the way. He lands and gets punched in the back by Mei, turning around to get hit in the same spot by the staff. When Red Son surrounds his body in flames, MK uses the staff to pin him against a building. 

The wall collapsed on Red Son. MK and Mei used this to get away. Jumping on the dragon's bike, they speed off. MK was able to grab the staff as Mei drove by it. Red Son summons his own wheels to chase after them when his father lands before his son. PIF floats down next to her husband. 

"That's enough. You have failed. We will deal with those two later. I want to learn more about this new world," DBK snorts. 

"I agree," with a gust of wind, all three are gone. 

Mei doesn't stop until they reach Piggy's Noddles. She even ran a few red lights. Like all the other times, that's something to worry about when her parents get the tickets. MK gets off, and Mei drives off, cheering on about how fun tonight has been. 

"You did good, son," Macaque appears out of the shadows, "It seems you kept up with your training while I was gone," he smiles, "Don't worry, Yue Yan is fine," he says like he could read minds. 

MK takes out the seal from his pocket, "I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know…" 

Macaque stops MK by taking the seal, "It's not your fault. If anything, it's Wukong's for not telling you about Demon Bull King."

"Can you reseal him?" 

"Not with this. I will need to make a new seal and find a new prison," the dark-furred monkey sighs. 

Inside Macaque is cursing at Wukong. One of their biggest fights was when Wukong wanted Macaque to stop teaching MK seals and shadow magic. 

"You're saying that because you want our son to be just like you," Macaque roars angrily. 

"That's not true," Wukong hisses back. 

"Then why do you want me to….." 

"Because it's pointless. I want our son to know how to fight. How to defend himself, not run away like a coward." 

Wukong's look of anger is initially replaced by concern once he sees Macaque's look—a look of anger, hurt, and betrayal. 

"You didn't always think that way," Macaque walks away. 

That's the moment when Wukong realized what he said. 

"Macaque, wait." 

It was too late; his mate teleported away with his shadow portal. 

"Dad!" 

MK's shout brought Macaque back. 

"Are you okay?" 

Macaque looks at his son with a small smile, "I'm fine. I should be going now. Yue Yan needs me. I will make a new seal." 

Macaque falls into the new open shadow portal underneath his feet and soon returns home. 

Wukong came just in time to see the shadow portal close as he rushed to his son. 

"Macaque was here? What did he want? What did he say?" 

He shook his son as he asked those questions, and he didn't stop until MK broke his father's grip. Thinking fast, MK quickly tells Wukong. 

"Yes, dad was here. He wanted to know if I removed the seal. I did. I'm sorry, father. I didn't know what it was." 

Wukong looks hurt, not because MK removed the seal. 

"That's all he asked about?"          

MK stares at his father. Before he can say anything, Wukong is back at it, talking fast and shaking his son like before. 

"Do you know where he went? Are you sure he didn't say anything else? Have you seen him before today?" 

Again, MK breaks free but is now feeling dizzy. 

"I will tell you everything when we get home, Father. Please stop with that."

[intcritus]

“So tell me… what do you think of Xing?” Curious words are offered as Ling crouches in a perch, absent of his finery, choosing instead to wear a familiar yellow jacket, and fresh travelling clothes, preferring the lack of confines when being so active in his traversing of his country. Today leadership remains with Mei while he lingers at Edward’s side, taking advantage of the other’s visit to give himself both chance to reminisce and spend in good company, but also to escape the confines of his new role. He does not regret it, he fought long and hard for the position he currently holds, but there are days where he laments the loss of freedom that it is coupled with. “You could admit you enjoy it more than Amestris. I won’t tell. Well perhaps your new Fuhrer if he annoys me at our next meeting…” It is playful the way he reaches out in tease, arm nudging against the prodigy’s own, lips curled in the most content smile he has worn in days. Even being around the other eases him from the mantle of emperor to just Ling, and he can breathe a little easier. It would be horrendous to admit as much, but he’ll bask in the opportunity until discovery draws his favourite alchemist away again.

❝ ━ You’re less stiff like this, ❞ Ed offers at first, something genuine and humored in his smile as he looks from Ling Yao then to the open sky with a quiet hum. The only threat looming over them now is whether or not the Emperor of Xing will get called back to his daily duties. But that isn’t enough to damper Ed’s good mood. Xing is vast, it’s absolutely gorgeous and better yet, it isn’t Amestris. ❝ ━  It feels homely. The people are close, a little nosy, but the culture is rich and I find myself yearning to come back whenever I leave, like it’s somewhere I can bunker down one day. ❞

It feels silly to say, but Ed has a lot of memories of Amestris, of home and while some of them are good, they don’t outweigh the trauma of the bad. He feels accomplished though. In Xing, there’s all sorts of things to learn, new people to meet and familiar faces, Ling Yao’s included. There’s a wistfulness to his expression, lids hanging low over golden gaze before he sneaks a glance at his companion, ❝ ━ I dare you. Tell him that I might stay here, I’m sure he’d write you a strongly worded letter. ❞

Laughter spills from his lips, loud and boisterous, the thought of Mustang hearing that amuses him greatly and yet there’s an inkling of truth in his words. He still has much to explore, the wanderlust in his heart has yet to settle, but it’s a thought all the same. He’s no longer bound by a metal arm, and the heat will never bother him, not anymore. A cocky smirk curls his lips as a thought pops into his head, tipping his head in Ling’s direction, ❝ ━ Your people will think you’re giving me special favor, hogging me like this.  ❞ He’s teasing, teeth flashing as he raps his knuckles against the other’s knee, ❝ ━ Emperor Ling, they’ll get jealous with you hiding me away like this, what ever shall we do ? ❞ His voice raises an octave, batting pale lashes before he erupts with laughter, holding his stomach.

Ed has traveled apart from his brother and with, but when he’s by himself, it’s lonely. He’s used to being with people but his journeys always lead him back to those he’ll forever gravitate toward. Ling Yao is no exception and perhaps the sole reason why he keeps coming back to Xing. It’s a good feeling, a reassurance to his mind that this isn’t a dream.  Once his laughter dies down, he wipes his eases, smile still present,❝ ━ Uh, thanks for always being so welcoming. There’s a lot I still wish to explore of Xing, but it’s beautiful so far. And the company isn’t bad either. ❞

when you're grateful and miss your favorite idiot. | @resolutepath

[silviakundera]

Empresses in the Palace ep 16

"And now she dares to take away my Persian Ink!" Hard agree, my darling Hua Fei. Screwing your man is one thing, but fucking with your brows is another!! ✊

but babe, why u want to live with a baby??

Lmao look I know its A BABY but it's a fictional one and I'm amused that her palace is so crap at taking care of it. My career girl is just NOT the maternal type. Drugs the kid with crushed sleeping pills; "It works just fine on me." lmaoooooo

ffffuvk she's looking ragged in front of the emperor GURL let that baby go. Neither of you are having a good time.

Zhen Huan, I know the emperor is your dad's age but this fickle dude that might kill you or your besties someday is not the DILF protector you need, in metaphorical OR literal thunderstorms.

Empress savoring the new girl being humiliated by the new new girl 💅

While Zhen Huan plans for the long game by serving up Ling Rong. She's in it to win it now. Definitely feeling disconcerted about matchmaking her friend with her husband but willing to do it so they have a stronger backing in the palace. The first sign for me tbh that she could be empress material. And tbh for once the Empress isn't laying it on thick. LR truly has a celestial voice. Consort Yu supposedly was admired for her pipes but she has nothing on LR. The way she looks back. Yaaaasss always leave them wanting more.

That half-sister is gonna become a real problem.

me trying to picture how u draw eyebrows "like distant mountains"

ep 17

Prince Guo is not hot but not grandpa. He's also not the source of humiliation & suffering for a busload of ladies. I'm sold! yeah, I ship it. Please bang in despair at your wasted lives at least once, thx.

Hua Fei taking a big swing to frame up Zhen Huan by poisoning the favored baby. But it's not actually that risky, because her brother is impeccable armor.

Duan Fei is the real MVP. Everyone knows she's lying but the emperor clearly respects her and isn't willing to embarass her. No more than he's willing to severely punish my gf Hua.

Hope Duan gets her revenge.

Ep 18

So the emperor totally knows Hua Fei posioned the kid that he actually likes, but General Nian's skills trump all.

I'm honestly not sure if Zhen Huan should be trying to push the emperor to not reward Hua Fei. He's gonna do what he thinks he needs to.

Half-sister Huanbi is getting on my NERVES. And finally ZH's, thank god.

Prince Guo is so chill. He just strolled by like, hey crying servant, what's up? oh, somebody dissed your look? you're doing amazing sweetie, don't worry be happy. (Exit stage left.)

I think I love him.

Our protagonist with a BIG WIN. (crowd sounds) 👏 👏 proved half-sister is a traitor and her nemesis finally annoyed the emperor enough that she'll miss a promotion.

Girl, u know I love u. You're the only one for me. But Hua Fei, darling, you really need to properly space out your scheming. It's too much. The man needs some time, space, and calm to properly ponder how much he loves & appreciates your brother.

Ep 19

This episode should be subtitled "The Tale of Two Loves' or '2 Ships For The Price of One'.

First she risks it all to sneak in to hold hands longingly and shed tender tears with her Mei Zihuang. Then romantic coincidental rescue by Prince Guo and a late night boat ride with poetry & literature musings.

And I'm winning because I ship both of them.

Not sure how I feel about Half-Sister Intervention. Huanbi's situation is fucked and in a different drama she'd be the revenge-seeking protagonist. But she's also dumb as hell to want to join the harem and give up the chance to escape to a normal life. She's seen what a hell this place is. Ultimately, she has reason to resent ZH and their family. And she has a dangerous secret. What if she flips again? Just get rid of her ASAP. It's life & death struggles over here, no space for second chances.

[themultifandomgal]

Arthur Shelby- Hello Again

3 years since I moved away from Birmingham. 3 years since I last saw Arthur Shelby, the man I loved, but was married. I've tried getting over him but to no avail. Now I return to my home of Small Heath hoping not to bump into him, fear that those feelings that I've pushed away will bubble up. However I know it's inevitable as I am moving back home to look after my parents who just so happen to live next to the Garrison, where the Shelby's frequent.

I walk down the street with my shopping when I bump into him, Arthur

"YN?"

"Hi Arthur" I give Arthur a little smile

"Where the hell have you been?" Arthur smiles pulling me into a hug

"Oh errrm. I got a new job" Arthur pulls away, but leaves his hands on my shoulders

"Are you just visiting?" he asks

"No, I moved back home to look after my parents"

"Need help?" he nods towards the bags in holding. Before I can say that I'm ok, he takes a bag from my hands and we both begin walking down the street "so when did you get back?"

"Only a few days ago" the tension in the air is so thick you could cut it with a knife

"Why don't you come to the Garrison tonight. I'm sure my brothers have missed you"

"Oh I don't ...." I'm cut off by Arthur's pleads which causes me to agree.

Walking into the garrison once again with Arthur feels familiar but also strange. I've done everything to push my feelings away, hell I even slept with Tommy a few times. But nothing worked now I'm being dragged back into this life of sadness. Arthur opens up the door to the snug revealing the Shelby brothers and Ada

"YN YLN is that you?" I hear John shout making me giggle

"I'm back" I smile at John who envelopes me in his arms

"We all bloody missed you"

"Alright John let the woman breathe" Tommy comments with Lizzie practically on his lap. I raise an eyebrow at them then Tommy lifts up his hand to reveal a wedding band

"We wanted to invite you but we had no address" Lizzie now says

"Sorry my move was very abrupt" I sit down next to Micheal who places a glass of whiskey in front of me "thanks" I throw the drink down hoping to relieve some of the tension between me and Arthur.

The night of drinking draws a close and Arthur ends up walking me home

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were leaving?" he suddenly says as we approach my front door

"I had my reasons. Mainly you and your brothers wouldn't let me go"

"No your right we wouldn't, not without a good enough explanation that is" I sigh feeling sorry for what I did, but I had to "what are you not telling me? we grew up together. We told each other everything" Arthur frowns

"I can't tell you this. I'm sorry" I turn to open up my door but I'm stopped by Arthur placing his hand on top of mine

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Because it will ruin everything between us. Our friendship will be over"

"What did you do?" the only thing I can think of is to tell him about me and Tommy

"I slept with Tommy a few times"

"What? and that's why you had to leave?"

"Yes. No. Kind of. Look Arthur just drop it yeah?"

"There's more your not telling me. You forget I can read you like an open book" I finally look into Arthur's eyes

"Not very well because if you could you would know that I was... I am so incredibly in love with you" the words seem to just tumble out of my mouth

"What?"

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have... I need to go..." again before I can open the door I find that Arthur's lips are on mine. I quickly pull away from him "Arthur your a married man. You shouldn't be.."

"I'm a divorced man who's loved you since we were kids. I married Linda because I knew I was no good for you"

"Arthur"

"Why waste more time?" Arthur's hand cups my cheek. He lowers his head once again capturing my lips with his "please just give us a chance"

"Ok"

[gamergirl2million]

Last night, I did my first ever DnD campaign (WitchLight Carnival)…I was not disappointed! It was hilarious! Here’s how it went down:

Cast:

Lofty - A gnome barbarian that rides a chicken; lost her weapon

Kal - a high elf paladin; lost his loved one and their right hand (not physically, but their hands were backwards lol)

Miarra - a sorcerer that is quite quirky; lost a memoir of her house and family that is no longer there

Zeno - a anxious tiefling bard; lost his teddy bear

Lily - a mimic warlock child; lost her hat

Amanda(me) - a half-elf rogue that is wild; lost her way to her pack/family (she was raised by wolves)

Sequence of events (session 0):

1. Everyone is separated (we never met before this) and heading towards the ticket booth; Miarra and Zeno get curious about Lofty riding chicken, but upon approaching she sees them as threat and draws weapon

2. Kal kidnaps Lily, but almost gets shanked; Suddenly employees appear and say: “cease the violence…or lose again.”

3. Everyone gets random effect from receiving a ticket:

Lofty - must now carry and protect a pumpkin like a previous egg

Kal, Lily, & Miarra - must now get distracted by tree and say “oh look a tree!”

Zeno & Amanda - must now say “I like unicorns!” Every chance they get

4. Go to lost and found and find it FULL of missing children posters

5. Talking Lion tasks us to make sure their human brother doesn’t get lost when he runs away

6. Amanda gets lost herself because she went alone lol

7. Rest of the group returns child and lion reveals they lost their cub and gifts them a mirror orb (the cubs favorite toy)

8. They realize Amanda is missing and go find her at the Mystery Mines

9. Random effect from catching seeds- can’t remember everyone’s random effect, but Amanda gets a 1d8 for an ability check of her choice (I rolled an 8 on a 1d8 lol)

10. Miraha gets lost and ends up getting swarmed by enemies IN THE FOREST OUTSIDE THE CARNIVAL

11. Kal almost dies but Zeno saves them

12. DM levels us up (we now level 2 baby)and lets us get our health back up through fairy candy

13. Go to the big performance

14. Sneak into the backstage area and end up getting dressed up like clowns

15. Everyone does performances and the crowd goes wild…meanwhile Amanda freezes

16. Lily gets a NAT 20 at throwing cream pie at Amanda and she gives chase

17. Kal and Lily notice a man and woman conversing in the rafters

18. Lily fails to climb rafters and Amanda shakes the child

19. Everyone takes their bow and Kal chastises Amanda

20. They all decided to keep their costumes and got stealth advantage…Amanda did not, but she already had +8 to stealth because rogue

21. We end up going to the staff area and overhear Mr. Light (ringmaster at the event) and Mr. Witch (man in the rafters) talking

22. Says stuff about needing to appease someone and Mr. Witch mentions he thought some people saw him

23. They come out and Amanda slinks into shadows while the others talk to the men

24. KAL SUCCESSFULLY FLIRTS WITH MR. LIGHT (thanks to Zeno’s bardic inspiration) AND HE TELLS KAL TO MEET HIM AT THE BAR

25. Lily asks Mr. Witch about his conversation with the woman, he proceeds to freeze time and tell her: “some things are out of our control”

26. We go to bar

27. SEXY FISHNET LEG APPEARS FROM SEDUCTIVE LOOKING BOOTH AND BECKONS KAL OVER

28. ONLY AMANDA AND KAL NOTICES AND KAL GOES TO [Fade to Black] WITH MR. LIGHT (Amanda is confused on humanoids mating rituals)

29. Amanda tries being social (and fails miserably but doesn’t notice) and asks the group what they lost

(Also- Kal tells them AFTER he comes out disheveled from the booth…Amanda made the comment of “I hope the mating ritual was successful and you receive offspring” lmao)

30. We go to the Crowning of the Monarch Queen (we level up to 3 baby)

31. KAL WINS BY BEING A MAN WHORE!!!🤣

32. Kal goes up to be crowned…but an explosion happens

33. A hand comes out from the smoke (same hand to the one of the lady in the rafters) and, in response to Mr. Light and Mr. Witch’s plead that they did all they could to please her, she says it was not enough

34. All the children of the carnival vanish and…

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE COMBINED CAMPAIGN!!!

[ideas-on-paper]

Monster Hunter Tri Diary, Part 10: The Great Jaggi and his gang

For previous entries, search for #monster hunter tri diary

Disclaimer: Text is paraphrased from my localization and might slightly deviate from the English version.

Quest: Big Game Hunting

Since this is our first big monster hunt, I went all out with my equipment: In addition to my normal potions, I also packed some mega potions, as well as some nutrients and mega nutrients. Since it's my best set at the moment, I donned my Hunter's armor again, which will also save me the trouble of paitballing the Great Jaggi thanks to Autotracker.

This time, I picked a meat + meat meal (both fresh, prep method steam). That seems to have tasted a lot better than the last time, giving me a health boost, the skills Felyne Medic, Felyne Groomer, and Felyne Kickboxer, plus Ultra Lucky Cat on top of that! Nice.

The client this time is the chief village guard (presumably of Moga), who is overwhelmed by the Great Jaggi's attacks and requests assistance. This is actually the first time I'm doing a quest that isn't just for someone's personal gain - protecting the village is important, after all.

Guild Sweetheart: "Blaargh! How was my battle cry? It's supposed to motivate you for a great hunt. Is it working?" Sounds very heroic, for sure. xD

Offering us her usual telepathic support, the Guild Sweetheart explains us that the Great Jaggi is considerably tougher than anything we've hunted so far, that he can direct his minion Jaggis to attack us, and that he'll flee when he's wounded so we have to track him with a paintball. I gotta say, Tri is way more generous with tutorials than the MHs who came before. People who started in 2nd, or hell, 1st gen, definitely had a way harder time. xD

"You're already missing the fishing quest, aren't you?" Ha, no worries! Unless I have to go fishing and get beat up at the same time (sincerely hateful greetings to you, Plesioth), I ain’t complaining.

They give me 5 first aid-meds this time. Guess that's the "first big monster bonus".

Since I got the Autotracker skill, I technically don't need the paintballs from the box, but I still took them to hoard them for later. Also, not sure if I'm ever gonna use it, but I took the Tainted Meat as well. (I'm not one to turn down free stuff if I get the chance. ;-) )

Anyway, off to area 6 where the Great Jaggi is hanging around (as displayed on my map). The music during the Great Jaggi's intro is actually a remix of his battle theme. Nice!

I always felt like the Great Jaggi’s cry sounds similar to some real-life animal, but unfortunately, I was never able to put my finger on it. In any case, I think it’s really cool. (It kind of reminds me of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park. xD)

Ah, the music there we gooooo!! I love the Great Jaggi’s theme - it's so catchy. Kinda makes me miss the time when even the small big monsters had awesome music.

Oh guys, you have no idea how much I missed this. It's been years since I last played 3U, but once I saw the familiar attack patterns, I almost immediately slipped back into my battle routine. Once you know it, you know it by heart! ;-)

I just realized: The Great Sword in Tri doesn't seem to have a charged draw attack? (Like hold attack when drawing and then immediately charge.) I never noticed that before, but I guess I had no reason to outside of serious combat situations... ^^'

Did the Great Jaggi's just hip check one of the Jaggia? Hey, that's no way to treat your girlfriend!

Oh, yeah - I completely forgot about the Autoblock skill from the talisman. Kinda saved my ass in one of the rare situations where I got hit and still had my weapon drawn.

And that's the head wounded for the subquest! Now his pretty frill looks like Swiss cheese. xD

And he runs off to area 5. Alright, I'm just gonna sharpen my wea-- Ouch! Would you stop biting me, Jaggi? Jeez, you can't even sharpen your weapons in peace...

I just remembered that I had a Simple Flashbomb from the supply box, so I thought I might as well use it. It wasn't the best throw though, so I only managed to blind the small Jaggis, but not the Great Jaggi. xD Well, at least they can't disturb me now.

And he's already limping. I let him escape, since it'll be easier to get him once he's sleeping. As a thank you, he dropped me a Wyvern Tear. Thanks for the extra money, Great Jaggi!

The moment the Great Jaggi went back to area 6, he pretty much fell asleep instantly (at least that's what I saw with Autotracker). Dude was so exhausted he just got home, plopped down at his favorite spot and dozed off. xD

Since I'm a really mean hunter, I couldn't resist the opportunity to strike him with a charged blow, now that I had ample time to do so. xD However, despite monsters taking more damage when they're asleep (as far as I know), it appears it wasn't quite enough to kill him.

The Great Jaggi doesn't give up that easily, immediately going into rage mode once I woke him. Well, I guess that's understandable given I disturbed his slumber in such a rude way. xD

I just stopped his hip check with a charged blow! xD Kinda gutsy, but I love when I manage to pull off stunts like this.

And down he goes! But yeah, hunting the small big monsters isn't that big of a deal if you've got experience. Really nothing against the time when started playing 4U and struggled against a Seltas, of all things. xD

Moga Village (day)

Guild Sweetheart: "Good job, that stuff with the Great Jaggi! Powerful blows, quick diving, impeccable assessment... Well... I'm only guessing. I didn't see it, of course!" Again: You were clearly talking to me through the power of telepathy, but you didn't see anything that was going on? Or am I just hallucinating, and the stuff with the voices of the Chief, the Chief's Son, and the Guild Sweetheart was all happening inside my own head? (That would be quite the big plot twist, actually.)

"For first-rate hunters, there's no shortage of impossible jobs!" No shit - defeating any Elder Dragon is essentially making the impossible possible. xD

"Was that Great Jaggi hard to kill?" Not really, no - but of course, the Guild has come up with an extra challenge for us: to capture a Great Jaggi. (Given that the small big monsters tend to die pretty quickly, this actually might not be that easy. xD)

"That stupid Guild! Destroying both hearts and hunters!" Given the absolute bullshit the games like to throw at you, I think a lot of MH players can attest to that. xD Still, quite brave of her to say that, as an employee of the Guild herself.

Even the "very comprehensive" monster guide has nothing to say about capturing - in fact, the Guild Sweetheart realizes that 90% of the pages are completely empty!

Even the "very comprehensive" monster guide has nothing to say about capturing - in fact, the Guild Sweetheart realizes that 90% of the pages are completely empty! "Oh, my bad. That's just a normal old notebook! From now on, I'll fill it with useful facts. The hard work of today becomes the wisdom of tomorrow!" I like that she doesn't sulk at all about it, though. You know, she could've complained like "What?! What kind of prank is this?", but nope - instead, she decides to turn it into something productive. Not dwelling on past disappointments and always staying practically-minded - that’s a real role model right there.

Yet another episode of MH food lore: According to the cook, even scholars are arguing whether Algae Jellyfish belong to the algae or jellyfish. I suppose that means Algae Jellyfish are creatures that look exactly like a clump of algae drifting through the water?

"Many don't want to eat Dry Butter. They think it's dried butter! Although it's just butter with a very dry sense of humor." Ah. I suppose I fell for that joke, then. xD

"Mossy Cheese is a daring fromage that coagulates through moss instead of mold! Chapeau to the genius of its creator! Pity that the taste leaves so much to be desired..." Interesting that someone found a completely novel way of coagulating cheese, though. I wonder how they discovered this - was it deliberate experimenting or just coincidence?

Village Chief: You've only been here for such a short time... and you've already slain the Great Jaggi! That damn monster and its pack caused so much grief..." Sounds like the Great Jaggi has been causing the villagers trouble for quite a long time. Also, this seems quite personal - did the Great Jaggi hurt someone the Chief was close to?

"You keep getting stronger... That's what anticipation smells like." You're talking about your own feelings, right? I guess the Chief is really looking forward to when I'll finally be able to face and slay the Lagiacrus.

The Chief also mentions that I've now unlocked the Great Jaggi during the Moga Woods free hunts. Nice! That means I can get some rare trading goods for the Argosy.

Since we've got our first capturing quest awaiting us, the Chief also gives us a briefing on how capturing works. However, he says that Gunners use tranquilizer bombs to tranquilize monsters. I'm pretty sure that there's tranq ammo though, so is this a mistake? (Since the tranq bombs are what I normally use as a Blademaster.)

"How you recognize if a monster is sufficiently weakened? Oh, you should rely on your experience and intuition for that!" Classic old MH here: "You wanna know how this works? Oh, just learn by doing." xD

The Village Chief actually provides an explanation why Gunner armors only have half the defense Blademaster armors have in the older games: Gunners store the ammunition they need in pouches attached to their armor; therefore, their armors are lighter and provide less protection (I suppose that's due to avoiding overweight, since the ammo bags are already pretty heavy by themselves).

So the Gossip Lady also tells us about tranquilizers (a "dead sure" method to capture monsters xD), and according to her, there is tranq ammo for Gunners. (I'm honestly wondering if the comment by the Chief is a mistranslation...)

"Have you ever seen a Jaggia that sits down and rests?" I did, yes - poor girl didn't even notice me coming from behind until I killed her sister. ^^'

Chief's Son: "I know it took you a lot of effort to take down that Great Jaggi, but..." *me desperately trying to keep a serious face and not burst out laughing because of how easy it actually was* I remember the Guildmarm from MH4U said you can't call yourself a real hunter unless you're able to kill a Great Jaggi with your small finger. Guess that makes me a real hunter, then. :-)

The Chief's Son explains that the reason more Great Jaggis are popping up in the Moga Woods is because many monsters were scared away by the recent earthquake and are slowly starting to come back now. I gotta say, I always appreciate if there's an in-lore explanation for the gameplay mechanics.

And we have another villager request, this time to improve the fields. Unfortunately, I don’t have any Super-sized Dung, so I’ll first need to get my hands on that. (If I remember correctly, you get it from the Aptonoth during Moga Woods hunts.)

It's the Chief's Son who actually explains to us that a monster limping signals it's capture-ready. Really appreciate that Capcom decided to mention this at all for newcomers playing Tri. (Though most people I've seen playing MH just skip through the "boring" NPC dialogue, so...)

The Moga Woods resource info for the Great Jaggi is actually kinda interesting: It says that the Chief's Son once rescued a child from a Great Jaggi. Given that the big brother of the siblings is often running around in the Moga Woods (he's the one who tells you about shortcuts) and encountered a big monster once (trying to run away from it), I wonder if that child was him. (It would also fit his personality, since he's generally the more reckless one of the two.)

Speaking of which, our "wise" big brother tells us a few things about trap tools he's "not allowed to play with". I can scarcely imagine why. xD

Little brother: "You'll get shocked if you touch a Thunder Bug with your bare hands." Fair enough since they are used to make Shock Traps, but how do you actually gather them? Do you always have to wear gloves if you catch a Thunder Bug?

"My brother once shoved me into a pitfall trap for fun. Horrible!" *sign* Big brother just can't leave you alone, can he? Though it's interesting that you can get trapped in a pitfall trap as a human, since your own pitfall traps (fortunately) never trigger if you stand on them. (I suppose the traps have some kind of smart "identification feature" that recognizes who placed them. xD)

Item seller: "Sushifish baits should NOT be used for sushi! Too much mercury!" Okay - do I have to worry about mercury in the Sushifish as well if I catch them with the bait? (Since, you know, they kind of eat it.)

Okay, now for business: I'm going to stock up on some stuff before the Argosy leaves again, since this will be the last chance to get it a little cheaper for some time. I bought some herbs, pickaxes, bugnets, trap tools, cool and hot drinks - really just about anything that's going to come in handy in the near future.

Unfortunately, I don't have enough materials to upgrade my Great Sword (I'm missing 2 Great Jaggi Claws), but I did unlock the rest of the Jaggi armor pieces now. Since that armor is not too expensive to make and has pretty good skills (Attack Up Small which you can easily upgrade to Attack Up Medium, Gourmand so I can get full stamina from just eating the rations, and Halve Stun), I’m going for it first.

Chamberlyne: "I'm not going to scratch your furniture items when rearranging them. But hairs can't be avoided!" Just cat problems, I suppose. xD

Alright, my plan looks as follows: First, we'll do the gathering quests in the Sandy Plains, and then I'll do another hunt in the Moga Woods since the forecast says there’s a Ludroth brood in the north and a herbivore brood in the south (Ludroth are always nice for the resource points and paddles, and I need the Super-sized Dung from the Aptonoth). So, till next time, when we'll explore the vast reaches of the desert! ;-)

To be continued

[herdeardiaryy]

devotion 55

"Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them;"

Ecclesiastes 12:1

I'm not gonna lie, I admit that I spent my years of being a youth by doing what I like. All of us became like this before. I grew up in a very strict and traditional family wherein I did not experienced overnights, I did, but once and it's an emergency. I found my freedom when I started my college life, that's why I looked like a prisoner who just got out of jail.

I am very active in going to church every sunday that time, of course because I have my pastor parents with me, but I am not that deeply devoted to the King. Yes, I lead songs of praise, but after that, I'm back on being myself. That's my routine before. I never had a chance to speak the Name of the Lord to everyone before, because I was shy, I was afraid of people might say, but I never feel embarassed when someone asked me about my religion and proudly say that "I am a Born Again Christian," knowing that somebody will say negative behind my back. I know that, because I never act the same as I said.

But now, I can say that I improved than I was before. I can't say that I'm already changed, but I can now control the things that I can handle. And if I do something wrong, either intentionally or accidentally, I automatically apologized to the Lord while having a guilt. I am not also a fan of devotions before, but look at me now—I'm doing it. I get bored at church before, but now I can't wait to another Sunday to show up. I never say "Thank You, Lord" everytime I wake up before—but I can do it now. All I can say is, God's timing for changing me is never too late.

In this verse, it says that if we find God at a young age, we should go for His will. We should be devoted to Him, and leave what ourselves wants. Let us surrender all to the Lord because His plans are better than ours. Let us not wait until we get old to focus in His presence.

This is my prayer:

"Father God, I thank You. Thank You for waiting for me to finally get serious in Your presence. Lord, I apologized to those years that even if I've known You, I tried to ignore You. That even if I was born in a religious family, I decided to do whatever I wanted just because of freedom. Forgive me for all these moments that I did.

Lord, as I open my heart and my mind to You, help me to be more devoted in Your Words. Let me see only Your goodness that will make my future even more brighter. Thank You, Lord, for redeeming my life. Thank You, Lord, for another chance, I know I made this far just to realized Your goodness, but You made me feel that it's never too late to obey You. Thank You so much, Lord, for all the blessings that You showered to my family, friends, and colleagues. Thank You for sending me people in my life to be a life lesson and a blessing for my life, bless them Lord, bless them. Thank You, Lord, for protecting my family and friends from harm. And for loving them unconditionally. Thank You so much, Lord.

I humbly pray that You continue to showered us Your blessings and healing, most especially to my parents who decided to dedicate themselves to Your Kingdom, I pray for a fruitful and generous people inside the church, and a pure support and devoted people that can help my parents to share Your Word. I pray for my siblings and nephew, continue to be the center of our lives that only Your Name be glorified. I pray for my Sister and Brother-in-law's flight this coming 12th, I declare safe travel and people that they will encounter. Please send people that will help them to be closer to Yoi even if they are far way home. Give them comfort whenever they got emotional by missing their baby, Lord. I pray for everyone whose feeling down, depressed, plain, ill, and hopeless. Be their light, Lord. Let them realized how amazing You are to all of us, Lord. I declare calmness upon my boss and people around me. I pray that You continue to guide us everyday of our lives. Protect us from any hard times and harms, Lord. You are all we need.

Lastly, I pray for my life, Lord. I surrender everything to You now, have Your way in me. I pray for my future stability; financially, spiritually, physically, mentally, and my future husband and child/children. Be my guide to my everyday life, God. I pray for a guy who is having the same things as mine, especially in my religion, I pray for Your own provision, Lord. I believe in You words.

Thank You, Lord, for this blessed day.

This I pray in the Mighty Name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior,

Amen."

060923 | 22:13

[turnpage]

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304�� ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ �� Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[ziorre]

✨Commission info✨

It’s time to open commissions!! Aawwww, I’m so exited to draw for you again, if you give me the chance!! All your ideas and characters!! I’ll try to take good care of them!!❤👀❤ (just moved in a new apartment so I’ll be grateful for your support in the form of a commission🤧)

✨ PRICES:

- SEMI-REALISTIC STYLE

- SKETCHY-COLOURED STYLE

- SKETCH

* for significant corrections or a lot of small ones at any stage of work, an additional fee may be charged (this doesn’t apply to some small adjustments or details witch I missed)

✨ DEADLINES: After you DM me with a brief description of your idea, I’ll tell you the approximate date when I’ll be able to proceed with your commission (drawing process takes 3-5 days) !!!!Always warn me in advance if I need to draw art by a certain deadline!!!   * these deadlines don’t apply to the semi-realistic style

✨ PAYMENT: What: USD or RUB When: after sketch is approved Where: Boosty (russian platform, supports payment via PayPal)

✨ THE PROCESS: You write to me in private messages on Tumblr, briefly tell me your idea of our future art, what style and what slot you want (full body / half body / bust). Then I give you my email and you send me an email (with your Tumblr name as a topic please) with all necessary references (your character's face claim, their pose, clothes, background etc.). You describe the idea of the art in details, where it takes place, and other things that I need to know so that I can base the sketch on all that info, because after you approve the sketch, I can't change art much in the further stages of the work, just some details. After you confirm that you like the sketch, I wait for the payment, finish the work and send it on your email😊

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And of course I can't help but say a huge thank you to those who commissioned and continue to commission art from me! It means a lot! For real! This is not only material support, but also moral one, saying that I’m not wasting my time and energy in vain, that I’m moving in the right direction, that people like what I do! I can't tell how inspiring it is!! 230 commissions! I’ve never imagined that one day I would draw so many art for others! Just.. wow!! Thank you again so much for trusting me bringing to life your ideas! I truly appreciate it!😌

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I think this is it, right? If you have any questions, feel free to DM me ;)  

I’ll be VERY grateful for your reblogs!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤ (and thank you very much for this in advance, it helps me A LOOOOOOOOOT) Thanks for your attention! Have a good day =)  

[inkandpen22]

Violent Delights, Violent Ends (2/?)

Pairing: Anthony Bridgerton x Female!Reader

Warnings: mild smut

Word Count: 4.5k

Part Summary: As the social season continues, Y/N is growing anxious with the eyes of society on her. Meanwhile, Anthony slowly starts to realize the potential of losing her forever if he doesn't secure a courtship between them.

Masterlist

Dearest Reader,

It has come to my knowledge that we are to witness an unparalleled circumstance this season. There are to be two jewels looking to shine this season. Yes, Lady Y/N Dashwood and Lady Daphne Bridgerton dazzled the court of her Majesty Queen Charlotte. Then, continued to spark the flames that reside in the hearts of all legible bachelors of London at last evening's ball.

For all of my suitors, be prepared with plenty of humor of a handful of the finest flowers for these remarkable young ladies. There is to be a healthy dose of competition and plenty of courting this season. Who shall appear above the rest and win the hearts of our fair ladies? The answer will come in due time. I suspect a Duke or Prince, perhaps? After all, when you are the best, you match with the best.

Yours Truly,

Lady Whistledown

______________________________

After a morning of mindless chatter with dozens of suitors, Mama finally grants me leave to promenade with Daphne in the park. When I say "promenade", I mean the chance to debrief our mornings and debate our prospects. My home's drawing-room resembles a flower shop. Thank heavens I'm not allergic to pollen.

Strolling along the river, arm-in-arm, Daphne and I discuss the events of last night's ball that followed us into the morning.

"Did you see Lady Whistledown?" I ask my dearest friend.

“I wish her predictions were true," she sighs. "Sadly, Anthony hardly let me touch a single letter without skimming them first. How am I to find a husband this way?”

“You should be thankful to have such a doting brother.”

“And what of William and Henry? Are they not doting?”

My eyes roll at the thought of them hovering. “Henry can hardly be of help from Paris though he expresses his support. Will is protective but not to the extent of Anthony surely. He shares in Colin’s nature.”

“I envy you.”

“All in good time Daphne, you shall find an ideal match," I assure her, giving her hand a pat.

“Only after you have the first pick," she giggles.

“We mustn’t be too sure.”

The thought of gentlemen proposing to me so swiftly like making bids at an auction causes my blood to run cold. I suppose I should be delighted to have so many options and opportunities ahead of me, but this is all hypothetical until proven a reality.

“Are you kidding? All anyone can talk about is your debut! You were sensational. Also, the Prince seemed to be quite pleased with you…” She insinuates, utterly gleaming.

“Friedrich was… friendly," I conclude, unsure of how to describe him.

She gasps. “See! Already you address one another by the first name!”

“As I stated, friendly!” I emphasize.

Daphne acts as though we're already picking out my tiara for the wedding.

“Who may I ask is friendly?” A voice inquires behind us.

Daphne and I part to spin around.

When my eyes meet Anthony's I must confess a sense of relief rushes over me. Then again, one always does in his presence. I'm reminded that my hesitations with other suitors have a reason. I can't fully accept the affections of gentlemen when I so blindly long for those of another.

“Certainly not you, Brother," Daphne teases.

Anthony turns his attention to his sister. “I am offended," he acts agast, locking his arms behind his back. "I’ve been the most kind in assisting you through your season thus far.”

“Perhaps too helpful? Miss Dashwood had dozens of callers this morning and her family offered their full support," Daphne unknowingly confesses to her eldest brother.

Oh dear heaven, Daphne why must you be so blunt at times! In her defense, she doesn't realize how her words may be received. After all, in her mind, Anthony is simply her brother, a family friend of mine.

My focus falls to the path beneath our feet and I can feel Anthony's eyes pouring onto me like a beam of sunlight. “And Miss Dashwood, what is your conclusion on my efforts?”

“I do not wish to participate in quarrels between brothers and sisters," I mutter, attempting to look anywhere but in his eyes.

“Then how about a quarrel between your dearest of friends?” He alters.

I swallow hard, finding the courage to address him face to face.

He awaits my reply with a mild eagerness that is hidden behind a restrained expression.

“Then, that I would consider," I comply reluctantly.

Our situation is fragile, surely Anthony can understand I am not exactly in a position to reject an audience with a gentleman if he so wishes to call on me. If I did, I would not only gain unwanted attention from my family and possibly ruin the chances of finding an ideal match if things between us were to not work. Every day we are gambling with our fates, mine in particular. If anyone were to find out about us, I would be ruined unless Anthony arranged to marry me. I can't come out of this season a spinster.

Anthony glances between me and Daphne. “Sister, may I steal Miss Dashwood? Merely to take a stroll down the river?”

“Must you meddle in her first social season as well? She has brothers you know! One of which is your closest friend," Daphne defends.

“I am aware and as his closest friend I’m certain Henry would thank me for looking after his sister," he argues slyly, extending his arm out to me.

Hesitantly, I accept Anthony's arm and assure Daphne I will see her tonight at the ball. She huffs, evidently frustrated with her brother's pestering, and warns him not to meddle. Nevertheless, she turns to head back to the Bridgerton residence not more than a block from the park.

Anthony leads the way down the path that Daphne and I were traveling just moments before his interruption. As we stroll, Anthony slips his hand over mine that rests on his arm. I feel the warmth through my glove. This is nice, being out and about together like this. I can practically incision us twenty years from now doing just this. We would resemble our parents in appearance, but our spirits would never age, nor would our admiration. Though I'm enjoying this peace, I am almost certain it will not last. His request to speak with me has to do with Daphne's statement about my morning.

“I’m disappointed," he expresses, breaking the comfortable silence. "You're not wearing the necklace I gifted you.”

I scoff as I fail to hide my amusement. “And risk having my parents question its origins? Might as well hand it to them to see your initials on the back.”

He glances over at me with furrowed brows. “Would that be such a terrible fate?”

My attention remains ahead. I fear if I look into his eyes my determination to be frank with him will fall weak. “Not if it was followed by a proposal.”

His silence that follows is enough of an answer for me. His reluctance to marry is enough of a reason for me to end things with him entirely. Yet, despite his silence and reluctance, I still find myself wanting to please him. I meet him when he calls, I reply to every letter, I would do anything for him. The inequality of our relationship is becoming clearer to me with each passing day and I am growing restless.

I speak softly and with hostility. "You lay with me, you buy me nice things, you sneak around with me. I'm starting to feel like a woman of the night at your disposal.”

Abruptly, Anthony halts, nearly yanking me back. He stares into my eyes with a narrowed gaze and clenched jaw, clearly resisting the urge to argue with me in such a public place. His eyes flicker about the park as couples and families travel about. Swiftly, he slips his fingers around my wrist and escorts me toward some trees.

"Lord Bridgerton!" I hiss between my teeth, worried someone may see his rather improper action.

Once hidden behind the trees and their leaves, Anthony breaks from his restraints and snaps. “Must you be so difficult?!” He paces back and forth in front of me like an angry child.

“Difficult?" I huff in disbelief. "I believe I’ve been most understanding!”

“You’re not some plaything in my mind surely you must see that!” He nearly shouts.

“Do I?" I challenge. "Your words are empty, Anthony! You keep making promises without action!”

He halts in front of me, growing red in the face. “You assume I’m not acting! I'm doing everything I can to-”

“If you’re working so tirelessly, where are the results? Why must I flaunt myself for half of London to gawk at like some whore to be sold to for the highest bidder?!”

He scoffs and tosses his head back. “Must you be so crass?”

“Oh yes, God forbid a woman speaks her mind!" I mock, losing my care if anyone were to see. "Especially to a man as self-righteous and insufferably sophisticated as Lord Bridgerton-“

Before I can complete my thought, Anthony marches up to me. He cups my face and slams his lips to mine desperately. My back meets the tree and I'm pinned. Despite my attempts to resist, my mind goes blank and all remnants of our quarrel are gone. I want nothing more than to be with him. He is everything to me and despite all that has been said I can't stay angry.

In the distance, a mother shouts for her child and it invades my daze. I'm brought back to Earth and reminded that our actions are completely improper. If someone were to see us, I would be ruined and the scandal would destroy my family's reputation.

Against his lips, I try to reason with Anthony. “I must go.”

He disagrees with a hum. “No, no, five more minutes.” His hands leave my face and move to grip my waist, pressing me into the tree. His reluctance to let me go makes me want to stay all the more.

I giggle at his urgency, but nevertheless, break our kiss and turn my head to the side. “Everyone will wonder where we are!”

He grins and takes the opportunity to create a trail of kisses along my neck. “Let them!”

“Anthony!” I laugh, causing him to cover my mouth with his palm so that others won't hear.

He continues his actions and for a moment longer I allow it. My eyes fall shut and I ponder the sensation of his presence. His radiance, his touch, his warmth, everything that makes me think of him every moment of every day.

Anthony lifts his head and rests his forehead against mine. His gaze peers into my soul. For a moment, we remain like this, simply being with each other before we have to part.

“I love you…” he whispers.

“I love you more..." I lift my hand and caress his cheek. "But I really must go."

"I'll see you tonight?" He checks, knowing full well we both obligated against our wishes to attend.

"Most definitely," I assure him with a satisfied smile as he locks his arms around my waist. Then, an idea pops into my mind. "But... there is one thing..."

He hums and narrows his gaze at me with uncertainty.

"I require a dance," I request.

He sighs as his eyes fall to the small space between us. "My Dear-"

"Just one!" I add, practically pleading. "I know you're not too fond of it, but if I'm to survive an evening of entertaining other gentlemen while you're apparently working so tirelessly to form an arrangement for us, I would like some reward."

"Well, I suppose it's the least I can do," he complies with some annoyance but I can see a hint of a smile on his lips. "One dance and to further show my affections I will even promenade with you tomorrow at the picnic."

"Oh, you are too kind, Sir," I tease.

"I'm known for my generosity," he jokes and leans in to place his lips against mine one last time before we must part until tonight.

One day I hope we will never have to go our separate ways and home will be the place we share together.

________________

In the carriage on the way to the ball, I can't help but fidget with my necklace, the necklace. I placed it in an old velvet box I had saved from a past present, wrote a brief card, and had Leo bring them to me in front of my family. If everyone believes the necklace is from my eldest brother Henry then they won't be suspicious when I wear it tonight. It pleases Anthony and protects us from any curious minds.

“I can practically see the wheels in your mind whirling," Will chuckles from across the carriage. "What troubles you sister?”

Since our parents are riding separately, I feel able to be honest with my brother. My brows scrunch together in a mixture of worry and confusion. “Are we being too carefree? Too steadfast with engagements? There are so many suitors, immense potential, perhaps trying to marry my first season is too ambitious and-"

“Sister!" Will interrupts my rambling with a chuckle and reaches to take my hands in his. "Where does this concern stem from? You were sensational last night, eager to find the right match!"

“I’m afraid my eagerness is clouding my judgment and I will be too quick to make a decision," I confess.

“That is why Father and I are here," he calmly reminds me. "To handle all formalities.”

“I just wish…” I stop myself before I continue and upset myself further.

His features falter. It's not hard to predict where my mind travels. These last few months without Henry have been difficult for us both.

“I know… I wish Henry were here too," he mutters as his thumb rubs over the back of my hand.

He was the eldest, the leader, our mutual shoulder to lean on. The pressures our being Dashwoods, especially during the social season, was always easier when we had Henry to guide us. He brought not only wisdom but humor. We were a team.

The carriage arrives outside of the ball. The distant sounds of chatter and music break the moment between us. I gently clear my throat and pat under my eyes, collecting myself. Will gives me a concerned look right as the footman opens our door.

“Don’t look at me like that brother,” I mumble as I take the footman’s hand. “We have a show to put on.”

I step out of the carriage and look up at the light up mansion. Mama and Papa wait for us just before the door with gleaming smiles.

While Will emerges from the carriage, I brush down my skirt and get settled. Mentally, I give myself a brief chat of encouragement. I must go in with an open mind. My heart may belong to Anthony but I have the harsh truth that love does not always take priority in the back of my mind. If things were to not come to fruition between us, I can't be left without options.

Will appears at my side swiftly and offers me his arm. “You’ll be marvelous tonight. Remember, you’re a Dashwood,” he reminds me as we follow our parents inside. “Everyone in there wishes they were us.”

“Except perhaps the Duke and the Bridgertons,” I giggle, meeting his gaze with a smirk.

“That is why they’re our dearest friends. Only we can understand each other’s positions,” he explains so wisely.

It’s true, there are very few even amongst this group that truly understand the pressure and severity of our positions as the most noble of families. It is all rather daunting at times.

Lady Bridgerton immediately greets our parents as they are the oldest of friends. Our fathers were friends since grade school and attended university together. Their friendship is how our families grew to be so close.

Will leans down and whispers in my ear. “You must be a star.”

I snicker at his curious comment. “Why do you say that?”

“Everyone’s starring at you.” He points out as his eyes wander the crowd.

My sight follows his about the room and sure enough we are on display like a painting in a gallery. Gentlemen and ladies alike all peering at us, some smiling and some glaring. Those who adore us and those who envious us. My attention lands on Daphne muttering with her brother Benedict and a hint of hope flickers inside me. Anthony mustn’t be far.

“Good evening, Miss Dashwood.” A voice interjects my thoughts and delays my searching.

My eyes flicker to Lord Harrington standing before me. He wears a smug grin and smells of brandy. I am horridly reminded as to why I loathe half the men in this room.

“Good evening, Lord Harrington,” I greet as I curtsy.” Subtly I tighten my grip on Will’s arm, silently pleading with him to end this conversation before it starts.

“Did you receive my flowers?” The lord asks.

I express my most convincing smile though I’m practically screaming on the inside. “Yes, they were beautiful. Thank you!”

Harrington steps closer to me as though my brother doesn’t exist. “I was hoping later we could-”

A presence appears beside us and clears their throat before the lord can continue. Harrington evidently appears annoyed as he steps back to address the figure.

When I glance away from Lord Harrington, I’m met with the eyes that I’ll always search for, Anthony.

“Lord Bridgerton…” Lord Harrington reluctantly greets him.

Anthony ignores him entirely, keeping his attention locked on me with a soft grin. He scoops up my hand and kisses the back of it. “Good evening. How are you tonight, Miss Dashwood?”

I curtsy, pleased to see him to say the least. “Quite well, thank you.”

His eyes fall to my chest for a prolonged moment. “Lovely necklace. Where ever did you find it?”

“It was a gift from our brother in Paris,” I explain with ease. “Arrived just this afternoon.”

A faint snicker slips from him and anyone in the dark would simply mark it as pleasure not amusement. “How kind of Henry.”

I send him a subtly wink as my brother and Lord Harrington are both distracted by his presence.

Anthony’s grin grows at my action. He then addresses my brother with a shake of the hand. “Will, could I possibly borrow your sister for a turn about the room? Mother has been pestering me to be more social at these events in hopes I would find a wife myself,” he chuckles. “A moment with Y/N would satisfy my mother without subjecting me to suspicion of a courtship as I am sure you understand.”

Lord Harrington attempts to interject. “I was actually-”

Both my brother and Anthony ignore him, clearly not fond of his presence.

“I sympathize entirely,” Will agrees wholeheartedly considering he’s also pestered by Mama at every event. “It would be no trouble.”

Anthony offers me his arm to which I accept and it takes every bit of me to not appear too excited.

“Don’t do anything too mischievous while I’m gone, Brother,” I tease Will.

“No promises.” He winks.

Anthony guides me into the crowd to stroll about the party. As we walk from room to room we are greeted by dozens of familiar faces. Again, being arm-in-arm with Anthony feel so effortless it’s as though we’ve been doing it for ages.

“So, Lord Harrington…” He starts with an amused smirk directed to the floor.

“He’s insufferable!” I huff.

“Practically ran to you when you entered,” he snickers.

“Glad to see you’re amused by my misfortune,” I grumble as my eyes roll.

“Aw don’t pout,” he smirks and tucks his finger under my chin to peer at him. “It’s not as though you have to court him.”

“Do I not?” I question with a curious brow and steady us to a halt in a less crowded hall.

There a few attendees in the hall but they’ve mainly gathered in the dining room and ballroom. Those here are sipping on their drinks or gossiping.

“I would rather drop dead than you see married to Harrington,” he states with certainty.

“Is that yet another promise?” I challenge quietly in case anyone is listening nearby.

“I keep my promises. I saved you from him did I not?” He fires back sternly.

Following a frustrated sigh, my attention wanders down the hall to the double doors leading to the ball. The distant chatter is muffled and fades into the background.

“I’m glad to see you wearing your necklace,” Anthony remarks, causing me to flicker my gaze back to him. “Henry has great taste.” He jokes.

“It was the only way to prevent questions from my family,” I explain.

He nods, peering down at the necklace. “It’s a pity though…” He leans down to whisper in my ear. “When I imagined the first time I’d see you with it on I imagined it would be only thing you were wearing.”

My lips part with a gasp and I swiftly scan the area for any eavesdroppers.

Anthony chuckles, amused by my reaction.

I can feel the warmth rush to my cheeks. I’m no doubt blushing. “You’re a fool, Bridgerton!” I huff quietly but struggle not to giggle.

“Only for you,” he mutters for only me to hear. It makes my heart leap. His eyes flicker the hallway and he takes my hand in his once he’s determined it’s clear. Swiftly, he guides me further down the hall to a door. He cracks it open and pops his head in.

Anthony rushes me inside the moonlit study. If anyone were to catch us in here alone everything would be ruined. I can’t count how many times we’ve slipped away like this whether it be at dinners, luncheons, polo matches. Every time I fear we’ll get caught and the world will crumble. Yet, I take the risk each time for just a moment with Anthony.

Once the door is locked, Anthony rushes to me and presses his lips to mine. The effect he has on me can’t be explained. It’s all I can think about every moment of every day. I feel his touch on my skin hours after we’ve met. It’s a sensation I never wish to lose.

Anthony walks me back into the large mahogany desk and scoops me up to sit on top of it. His hands gather my dress skirt, guiding it up above my knees. His body slips between my legs as his palms glide up my bare thighs.

“It pains me how much I want you.”

“My Love, we can’t.”

“We must.”

“People will question our whereabouts soon.”

“They could hear us for all I care.”

He brushes his lips against mine, muffling my objecting before I have the chance to give it. One hand grips my waist as the other slips beneath my dress. His fingers glide over my core steadily and I shudder. I grip his wrist, silently pleading for him to cease. He ignores my action and continues his motion. A soft moan escapes me, causing a smirk to form on his lips as he kisses me.

“You need me as I need you. I can feel it when I touch you this way,” he cockily whispers as he moves onto my neck.

My lips part as I inhale sharply, utterly overwhelmed by the sensation. Chills wave over my skin, electrifying me.

“You dare not deny it. You’re mine," he mutters. “And all I want is to pleasure you.”

I hum as his words only excite me further. He knows the control he has over me and he doesn't feel an ounce of guilt or shame for it. A part of me what's to submit to it, another wants to smack him for being so arrogant.

His lips brush against mine. “I shall come to you tonight."

I break from his kiss and shake my head frantically. “My parents stay up all hours of the night after balls!” I warn.

“You come to me then,” he concludes eagerly. “I’ll send the carriage and-”

“Y/N!” The sound of my brother calling for me echoes from the hall.

Both of us freeze, frightened of being caught in this rather uncivilized manner. My skirt up to my waist, Anthony between my legs, and his hand in a place I will not mention...

"Y/N?" My brother repeats, but this time he sounds closer and his tone carries more concern.

"I should go before he sends the entire brigade to search for me," I only half-joke as I press against Anthony's shoulder to hop down.

He grips my waist, pinning me in place. "Let's tell him," he practically blurts out.

All of the air leaves my lungs and my heart skips a beat. "Are you mad?!" I question.

"It's Will! He'll understand and perhaps he'll aid us in telling your parents!" He reasons, clearly having not thought this through.

"Tell them what exactly? "Pardon our manners for not telling you sooner but Will just found us in the study in a compromised position, thought you should know!" They'll kill you and then I'll be next!" I laugh in utter shock and disbelief at his suggestion. I urge him aside and climb down from the desk.

"Of course, we won't tell them the whole truth!" He explains as I tidy up my appearance. "We'll say we spoke and have found we're quite fond of each other."

"Anthony, Darling...." I sigh and take his face in my hands gently. "If we do that they'll expect an official courtship and a proposal not too far after as we've known each other our whole lives. Patience is crucial. We can't act impulsively. Can you honestly tell me you're ready for all that would follow if we were to tell everyone about us?"

Anthony places his hands over mine and wears a torn expression. I know in my heart he isn't ready for marriage and the responsibilities that come with being Lord Bridgerton, it's why he's been putting off any sort of security for us.

"It's okay!" I promise him, though he's not fully convinced. "Honestly, nor am I! I intend to marry my first season but the idea is daunting." I confess. "Your position is equally as daunting. I would hate for you to resent me in the future if you rushed into something because I forced you."

He takes my hands in his and brings them to his lips with a shake of the head. "I could never resent you, My Love."

"Our time is dwindling but it's not entirely gone yet," I assure him. "We have the rest of the season to act."

He nods, his attention on our hands interlocked between us.

"I love you," I remind him, causing his eyes to meet mine. "Nothing will change that. If we're to be together we must act wisely."

He hums and leans forward, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "I love you too, My Dear," he mumbles against my skin. "All will be right, I swear it."

_________________

Masterlist

Tags: @saramaple @alone19-24 @nao-grace @guineverehart

@sarcasm-n-insomnia

[noctiilio]

I just wanna say I don't know much at all about Touhou but my friend shows me your art sometimes and I think the way you draw flandre is very good she's so small and so kiddy and it's nice to not see her drawn like a murder-crazy monster keep up the great work

Ohoho! then if you're new around these parts i am absolutely DELIGHTED to inform you that the "murder crazy monster" flandre is one hundred percent a fanon fabrication! (which by the way i loathe with every fiber of my being) now i'll rant to you a little bc i never miss a chance to show Flandre's good character charms sorry its my autistic brain going supercharged, critical mass even, whenever flan is mentioned, shes been a character ive held very dear to me since i was barely 13 (almost twelve years ago!) so you have to imagine my brain sizzling like soda with mentos as i'm typing this

Y'see, this uh. portrayal dates back from when our only source of flandres character was her introduction in touhou 6: EoSD (2002). Now. she DID flex about being strong and scary and threatening etc etc but what people dont get is that it was just for show! yknow! like a kid in their ebony dementia raven way phase. You cant tell me you'd see a kid in their edgy mary sue phase who blasts nightcore evanescence from the shared family computer all day and take them seriously.

after you defeat her you find out that the child is absolutely clueless on what shes doing, knows ABSOLUTELY nothing about socialization 101 and thought scaring the hell out of you was how you make pals, but if you play the reimu route she offers to give you a cake to thank you for playing with her (which has blood as an ingredient so reimu refuses but flan doesnt KNOW that humans dont drink their own blood. also she doesnt hunt her own food like remi does so thats actually sakuya's cooking)

so she DOES try to be your friend. basically the kids confused to an absurd degree but shes absolutely got the spirit

My second point: there are little character sheets written from the PoV of Akyuu which serve as official references (called Perfect Memento in Strict Sense, 2007! I always recommend this as a must-read for new fans!), and it was the first clue, a little nudge, a little trail of breadcrumbs leading to the fact that Maybe the rumors that remilia locked up her sister are actually just rumors.

But then it got confirmed in Cheating Detective Satori (2019-ongoing official manga written by ZUN w guest artists for each chapter) which portrays flan and not only is she super excited about showing off her collection of dolls and stuffed animals to sakuya but also she says this.

Flan is actually very introverted and CHOOSES to stay in the basement. None of that "remilia locked her up" bs, it's officially debunked!

(and the day i stop showing this panel of CDS to defend her characterization, you can assume that i am deceased)

ALSO. LITTLE RASCAL SAVED GENSOKYO T W I C E. First, she used her destruction powers to disintegrate a METEOR that was headed for the scarlet devil mansion and would have an impact radius that would reach all the way to youkai mountain. She made it explode and went back to her basement to take a nap (and Remilia tried to take the credit for that but failed horribly)

AND THEN theres touhou 17.5 where she's the ONLY playable character that actually solves the incident. Again, her power to destroy anything made her the ONLY gensokyo resident able to face Yuuma without her eating Flan's bullet for lunch.

So yeah! her reputation is atrocious but the gal's not even closely as bad as people make her seem.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk i am here every day same hour and i will talk your hear off about Flandre Scarlet and i will defend her portrayal until my last breath.

PS: little headcanon moment yeah woo yeah but uhh in my head i always pictured her voiced by Ikue Otani, best known as the voice of pikachu, but specifically >her role as Hana from Ojamajo Doremi<

PPS: if you're new around here; despite everything, flandre is not actually my favorite touhou. no, nononono she is only second. Nah, the honor of the gold medal goes to ✨Her✨. do NOT get me started. I will talk for days without taking a breath between sentences.

[autisticundertale]

Incorrect Papyton Quotes

(theres some suggestive stuff in here, just a warning. Also, if anyone wants to draw any of these please @ us, we’d love to see it)

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Papyrus: Are you trying to seduce me? Mettaton: Why, are you seducible?

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Mettaton: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles. Papyrus: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one? Mettaton: Seize the dick.

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Mettaton: Talk dirty to me, baby~ Papyrus: The dishes. Mettaton: Wh- Papyrus: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.

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Papyrus: We both look very handsome tonight. Mettaton: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you." Papyrus: I couldn't take that chance.

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Papyrus : I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine. Mettaton: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again. Papyrus : O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?? Mettaton: Is it working?

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Mettaton: I like your new pants! Papyrus: Thanks, they were 50% off! Mettaton: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks* Papyrus: The store can’t just give away clothes for free. Mettaton: Thats’s… not what I meant. Papyrus: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Mettaton.

---------------------

Mettaton: Do you want to know your gay name? Papyrus: My... my gay name? Mettaton: Yeah, it's your first name- Papyrus: Haha. Very funny Mettaton- Mettaton: *gets down on one knee* And my last name. Papyrus: Oh- oh my god.

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Papyrus: What are you in the mood for? Mettaton: World domination. Papyrus: That's a bit ambitious. Mettaton: You are my world. Papyrus: Aww... Mettaton: Papyrus: Mettaton: Papyrus: OH.

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Papyrus: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine. Mettaton: Marry me.

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Mettaton: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. Papyrus : *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to his knees and sob while apologizing profusely* Mettaton: That one. I want that one.

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Papyrus : Is something burning? Mettaton, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you. Papyrus : Mettaton, the toaster is literally on fire.

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Mettaton: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right? Papyrus : Nope, there's 26. Mettaton: Ah, I must have forgotten U, R, A, Q, T. Papyrus : Aww, that's cute, but you're still missing one. Mettaton: You'll get the D later ;).

---------------------

Mettaton, pointing: May I sit there? Papyrus: That's my lap Mettaton: That doesn't answer my question, Papyrus.

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Papyrus: I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are. Mettaton: It’s not a joke. Mettaton: *sniffles* Mettaton: I’m a legit snack.

---------------------

Mettaton: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives Papyrus: I wake up at 4:30 AM Mettaton: Mettaton: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

---------------------

Mettaton: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back. Papyrus: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.

[scuttling]

Happy Accidents

Fandom: Criminal Minds Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Female Reader Word Count: 6,300 Tags: 18+, NSFW, Art, Neighbor Hotch, Shy and Oblivious Hotch, Flirting, It's soo sappy I'm sorry, Oral sex, Unprotected sex Summary: Aaron's new neighbor is out of his league for so many reasons: she's young, beautiful, artistic, unique, free-spirited, the kind of person who turns heads when she walks down the street. It's no wonder he ends up falling in love with her. *Requested by anon Link to A03 or read below! Against all of his better judgement, Aaron is kind of creeping on his new next door neighbor.

He is absolutely the type of man, any other time, to approach a woman he’s interested in and introduce himself, look for a way to connect, some common ground, but this is no ordinary woman.

She is out of his league in so many ways: young, beautiful, unique, free-spirited, the type of person who turns heads when she walks down the street. There’s not a chance in hell she would look twice at an old, stuffy, monotone suit with a seven year old son and perpetual bags under his eyes. That’s not him feeling bad about himself, it’s just the way the world works.

The first time he saw her, she was getting on the elevator while he was getting off of it, and they’d bumped into each other; she was wearing a short, flowy dress, and she’d smiled at him, apologized, eyes sparkling, smelling like she’d spent all day in the sunshine. It was the only time since Haley he’d ever entertained the idea of love at first sight.

She keeps to herself most of the time, gives off the air of being really cool and mysterious; their paths have crossed a few times since then—at the bank of mailboxes downstairs, in the hallway they share, once during a false alarm fire alarm—but he enjoys watching her paint more than anything.

They have balconies next to each other, and one night when he was tending to his herb garden—Jack enjoys watching the plants grow, and picking the herbs, Aaron likes to eat them—he spotted her standing on hers, facing away from him, in cut off jean shorts and a baggy t-shirt, barefoot. She’d been painting the city, the sky, with the sunset glowing behind her like she was the work of art, and he actually felt an ache in his chest, the feeling of missing someone he’s never really met.

Since that night, he’s started taking his work outside in the evenings after Jack goes to bed, and sitting in near silence while she paints, hums—sometimes songs he knows, sometimes songs he doesn’t. The first time he goes out before she does, she says hello when she drags her easel out, so he starts to say hello to her when she beats him there, too, but that’s pretty much the extent of their interaction. One evening when Aaron and Jack are getting home from dinner, she is lugging a canvas bigger than she is through the hallway and Jack almost runs headfirst into it; when he looks up, he exclaims about how big it is, and pretty—it’s covered with colors, something abstract and cheerful, and even if he’d seen it on the side of the road, he would have just known that she painted it. (That may be a good indicator that he’s getting in a little too deep.)

“Wow, that’s the biggest painting I’ve ever seen! And so many colors,” Jack says, awed. Aaron puts his hands on his shoulders to keep him out of her way; they’re already bothering her enough, when she’s clearly trying to get that giant thing home.

“It’s pretty cool, isn’t it? I carry bigger pieces around at my studio, believe it or not,” she says to him, poking her head around the side to look at him.

“You have a studio?” His eyes are wide with interest; his favorite subject has always been art, as evidenced by their refrigerator, which is covered in drawings. She offers him an even brighter smile.

“I do! It’s not far from here; it’s called Live in Color. There’s a big rainbow painted on the side.”

“That’s so cool; it must be awesome to have your own studio.” Aaron loves that Jack seems to be so passionate about this, but the way they are obviously holding her up has him feeling awkward; he tugs gently on Jack’s backpack.

“That is really cool, bud, but we should let her go. I’m sure that’s heavy.” She smiles, shrugs.

“It’s no trouble. Hey, actually, we have some children’s art classes at the studio, and you look like you’d fit right in with the Green group—ages 7-9?” She looks up at Aaron, who nods. “Maybe we can talk dad into bringing you down sometime. We do painting, drawing, and crafts, it’s really fun.” She’s still looking right at Aaron, gives him a little wink, and he swears to god he gets butterflies in his stomach.

He’s a grown man. A federal agent. With butterflies. It’s insane.

“Oh man, dad, please? Can I take classes at her studio pleeease?” Jack tugs on the sleeve of his suit, and he nods, smiles down at him.

“Yeah, absolutely, Jack. We’ll go down and get more information tomorrow?” he offers, to both placate him and finally free the poor girl from the conversation; he nods excitedly, and she smiles, looks sweet, genuinely happy Jack is so excited to take the class.

“Cool, I look forward to seeing you guys there. Actually, if you give me one sec, I can grab my card for you.” She passes them, carrying the canvas and looking effortless while she does it; she props it up against the wall to get her keys out, unlocks her door and heads in, pops back out with a business card in a vivid watercolor yellow. “It has the address and phone number for the studio on the front, and I put my cell on the back; I figured it couldn’t hurt, considering we live next door to each other. Now you know who to call if you ever have an art emergency.”

He takes the card from her fingers, flips it over just to see the handwritten name and number; he knew her script would be lovely, and it is, easy and flowing and natural. It suits her. He tries not to grin, or flush, or otherwise be awkward about the fact that she just gave him her phone number, however innocently.

“Thank you. We’ll see you tomorrow.” They turn to head for their apartment, and she clears her throat; he smiles a little, turns back, and she’s leaning casually up against the canvas with her arms crossed.

“You know my name now. What’s yours?” She’s just being polite, but he gets the goddamn butterflies again.

“Aaron.” She smiles, something beautiful and a little wild.

“Okay, Aaron. See you outside.” From then on, most of their free time, be it evenings or weekends, is spent at the studio. Aaron isn’t the only parent who sticks around—it’s an art class, not a daycare, he doesn’t feel right just dropping Jack off and leaving him there—and he’s also not the only parent, it seems, who is aware of his beautiful young neighbor.

“She’s incredible, right?” another dad says to him one evening, over by the coffee. Aaron looks him over briefly—it’s a job hazard, he sizes up everyone, but he already has a weird feeling about this guy. “I’ve been bringing my kid here for a month just to look at that little ass running around. My wife just thinks our daughter is just really into art.” He says it with a laugh, like that’s a ridiculous concept. Aaron feels himself start to boil.

“You shouldn’t be disrespectful. She’s doing a great thing here, for the children; she’s not doing it for you to ogle her.” He feels a little hypocritical, because he is also looking, but not like this guy. He knows guys like this. He puts away guys like this.

He glances over at Aaron, looking a little taken aback that someone actually commented on his behavior, then rolls his eyes.

“She doesn’t need you to defend her honor, buddy. She wouldn’t run around here in those overalls if she didn’t want us looking. It’s job security.” She’s wearing the overalls tonight, denim shorts with one of the straps unhooked, a t-shirt underneath, but it’s not as if she’s performing a striptease. She just looks like an artist, covered in drips of paint, smiling as she looks at the kids’ pictures over their shoulders. Aaron really, really hates this guy.

“In my experience, women usually dress for themselves; they probably have pockets, easier to keep things at hand that she may need, and it’s warm in here, so she’s likely dressing for comfort. She’s certainly not dressing for you.”

As if she can sense the tension, she looks over at them, flicks her eyes over Aaron, then the other guy, and walks over with a soft smile on her face.

“Hey, Aaron, Jack really wanted you to see what he’s working on.” She reaches out a hand, wraps it around his wrist and guides him over to Jack’s table. “I figured I’d save you,” she says when they’re out of earshot. “That guy sucks. He’s always saying creepy things to me and Alaina.”

“You should ask him to leave if he makes you uncomfortable,” he says, looking down at her with worry. “I can do it.” She shrugs.

“I would, but his daughter really does enjoy the class, and it’s not fair to her that her dad’s disgusting. It’s nothing we can’t handle.” She squeezes his wrist lightly. “Thanks, though. Hey Jack, show dad your project.” He peers over his shoulder, and it’s a pink and orange skyline, much like the one he saw her painting that first time on the balcony. “I asked the kids to paint my favorite thing today, and that’s sunset.”

“I saw you painting this one night,” he says, and then he feels abruptly like an idiot. She just smiles at him though, nods.

“Yeah, I’m a sucker for a beautiful sunset. It makes you feel like, just because the day ends, it doesn’t have to mean things are over; it’s just one of life’s beautiful natural transitions. And the colors are to die for: peach, coral, jasmine, rose, tiger’s eye.” He finds himself unexpectedly touched by her description, smiles softly to shake himself of the emotions.

“The way you see the world is extraordinary. To me it’s just kind of… orange.” She returns his expression, but softer, and squeezes his wrist again; he didn’t even realize she was still holding it.

“Sounds like you need some art in your heart. I give lessons for adults, too; you could even come over and paint with me on my balcony, some time. Special neighbor privileges.”

The thought of being with her on her balcony while she paints is almost overwhelming, which he finds funny, considering he currently sits no more than twenty feet away. There is an intimacy about it, while they both do their work in the cool, quiet breeze, but standing like this, close enough to touch, with the late day sun on her face while she talks about colors… he’s not sure he could handle it without falling in love.

She pats him on the back, moves on to another child, and he tells Jack what a great job he’s doing; his face is lit up, so happy, and regardless of the neighbor, he’s glad they stumbled upon this hobby.

When they pack up to leave, the jerk from earlier comes up to him, leans in to speak in a hushed voice. “You should have just told me you were fucking her. I would have backed off.” He blinks, but the guy and his daughter are walking out the door before he finds himself able to do more than that. About a week later, he goes over for that lesson almost by accident. Jack is at Jessica’s for the night at his request, and Aaron was planning to order takeout and have a paperwork cramming session, but when goes out onto the balcony, phone in hand to place an order, his neighbor is standing on hers like she’s waiting for him.

“Hey. I saw you don’t have Jack; I made some pasta with vodka sauce, if you’re hungry. I always prepare too much.” He sets his phone on the table, walks over to the railing to get a little closer.

“Uh. Sure. I have fresh basil growing here; trade?” She smiles, nods.

“Yeah, sounds delicious. I’ll be right back.” She ducks inside, returns a few moments later with two dishes of steaming, saucy pasta, sets one down on her table and gets right up against her railing, hands the other over to him across his. “That one’s for you,” she says, handing him an orange plate, and he sets it down, picks a few good looking leaves from his basil plant and tears them up, drops them on top. “And this one’s for me.” She reaches, holds a green plate over the gap between their porches, and he adds some basil to it before she pulls it back, takes a deep sniff. “God, it smells so good and fresh. Thank you, Aaron.”

“Thank you, it looks great.” He goes to sit at his table with it, but she scoots her chair closer to the railing, closer to his balcony, so he does the same. They make easy small talk while they eat, mostly about Jack, a little about her studio and his work.

“FBI, huh? I can definitely see that, with your suits, and your… neutrals.” She cringes when she says it, and it makes him laugh.

“I’m sorry I can’t wear paint covered overalls to the office,” he teases, and she shoots him a playfully affronted look, grins.

“You love my paint covered overalls—and for the record, you’d look great in them. You should find a pair. Preferably not black.” He flushes a little at that, but she doesn’t notice, just finishes up her pasta with a sigh of contentment. “That was so good, thanks again for the basil.”

“You’re welcome; thanks for feeding me something other than the takeout I planned to have.” He stands up, gestures to his apartment. “I’ll wash the plate and then hand it back over.”

“Why don’t you just bring it over and come paint with me for a little while? If you want,” she tacks on, and for the first time she seems a little nervous. “I’m not trying to be pushy, I just think it would be fun.”

It’s not that he doesn’t want to; it would be amazing to watch her paint up close and personal. He’s just also afraid he’ll pass the point of no return if he does it, and he can’t handle any more heartache. He only very recently got to a place where just waking up in the morning no longer causes him agony.

It’s the look on her face, though, soft and sweet and open, that makes his decision for him.

“Yeah, okay. I’d like that.” She grins.

“I’ll unlock the door.”

She’s dragging out her easel when he walks through the door; her apartment is stark white walls with vibrant furniture, artwork, canvases propped up against every bare spot along the wall, paints and brushes and charcoal and pencils on every surface. It’s exactly what he would have expected, warm and lived-in and comforting, very unlike the mostly black and gray interior of his own apartment. She smiles when she sees him.

“Hey! Can you grab that tray of paint on your way out?” she asks, and he picks up what looks kind of like an ice cube tray filled with many different colors, carries it out to the balcony with him. She has a canvas propped up, a little larger than a computer monitor, and she’s gotten started, but he can’t tell what it’s going to be just yet. When he hands her the paint she looks down at it, peers around the edge of the canvas like she’s comparing something. He’s so intrigued, curious about the way her mind works, what she’s thinking.

“What are you painting?” he asks when she picks up a brush, sets it down, picks up another. She smiles at him.

“Well, we’re painting that.” She points to the street, where there’s a rusty, pale blue antique car parked—he says that loosely, because it looks broken down—in the alley. Aaron chuckles softly.

“We’re going to paint that? It’s a little… grim.”

“Yes. It’s part of a series I just decided to create: ‘Beauty in the Ordinary.’” She sighs, and he’s surprised to see that her eyes are a little wet. She wipes the back of her hand over her eyes. “You know Bob Ross, right? Everyone knows Bob Ross.” He nods.

“Yes; the guy who paints the happy trees on PBS.”

“Right. I used to watch him growing up, and I vividly remember something he said once, about needing both darkness and light in life and in painting. ‘You have to have a little sadness once in a while to know when the good times come. I’m waiting on the good times now.’” She sniffles, exhales softly. “I’m waiting on the good times too. Sometimes looking at things like this car, and forcing myself to find something beautiful in it, is the easiest way to get through the day. Does that make sense?” He swallows hard when she looks up at him, because aside from Jack, she has been the lightest part of his life since the first time they passed each other on the elevator.

“Yeah, it really does.” She shoots him a soft, slightly sadder smile, and then explains about the paints a little, shows him the difference in the brushes, lets him feel the weight of them, the textures of the bristles.

She starts painting the car—the background is mostly finished—and he’s more than happy to watch, to hear her talk about her process. She asks if she can use his forearm to mix paints, and he turns it over, wrist up, tries not to smile too hard when she puts some dark blue on him, then white, mixing them and then comparing them to the car on the street. He looks down at her, the concentration on her face, the softness in her eyes, and is met with the sudden desire to brush a line of paint over her nose and make her laugh and kiss her breathless.

“Okay, your turn,” she says when she’s about halfway done with the car. She puts her hands on the backs of his arms, pulls him in front of the canvas so she’s between him and the railing. “You’ve been watching me, so you know what to do.” He has been watching her, but not necessarily for her technique, so he’s a little nervous; he dips the brush in the blue paint but hesitates to make a stroke. “I have faith in you, Aaron. Here.”

She wraps her fingers around his hand, guides him toward the canvas, and together they make a wide, curved line, rounding out the bumper. It doesn’t look half bad.

“It gets easier once you understand the relationship between specific paint, specific brushes, and your hands,” she says softly, and she helps him paint another line. “Are you having fun? You look stressed,” she teases, and he makes it a point to relax his face.

“I’m having a lot of fun,” he says, looking down at her; they make eye contact for a long moment, and she leans a little closer, and he leans a little closer, and then he accidentally dabs a blob of blue onto the canvas. He pulls back, grimaces, deflates. “I made a mistake. You can’t erase paint, right?” She laughs softly, takes the brush from his hand.

“No, you can’t erase paint, but as Mr. Ross would say, ‘There are no mistakes, only happy accidents.’” She gets her fingers close to the tip of the brush, makes a few quick movements, then grabs another brush, dips it in green. When she pulls back, there is a little blue flower growing out of a patch of grass where his blob used to be. He exhales, a little amazed.

“If only the mistakes we make in life were that easy to fix,” he says, and she nods.

“Yeah, that would be nice, but a lot of the time we find a way to turn them into beautiful things eventually. Are you willing to give it another shot?” He says yes, and she guides his hand for a while, then just hovers near it, then just instructs him on what to do. It’s dark before their painting is finished, and she carries it inside to dry, then takes him to the kitchen sink to scrub the paint off of his arm.

“Thanks for having me over; I had a really good time,” he murmurs as she dries his clean skin. She looks up, smiles softly, nods her head.

“I had a really good time too. I’m glad you came over; you’re welcome to join me any time.”

He says goodbye, heads home, looks at his stack of work with a groan, and brews a pot of coffee. He’s in for a long night, but he wouldn’t change his evening for anything. Life is much the same for the next few weeks: school and work, Jack’s art class at the studio a couple times a week, painting on the balcony on the weekend, with and without Jack. When Jack joins them for the first time, she pulls out a big box of markers and thick sheets of paper and he draws elaborate scenes while they talk and paint together. When Aaron makes mistakes, she’s never upset, just turns them into perfect little details that end up being his favorite parts of the paintings.

“What ever happened with your ‘Beauty in the Ordinary’ series?” he asks one evening while they’re painting some ocean waves. “Did I cause you enough trouble with the car to give up?” She looks down at the ground, looks a little shy, then shakes her head and smiles.

“No, you didn’t make me want to give up. I’ve been working on it at the studio. You’ll see it when it’s all done, I plan to hang them there.”

“Looking forward to it,” he tells her, and then Jack tugs on her shorts, shows them the picture he drew of the ocean, too.

Later that week, the team takes a case, and on the day he’s set to come home, Jessica drops Jack off at the studio with the plan that Aaron will pick him up when his flight lands. Due to some weather between where the team is and home, they get a little delayed; he doesn’t want to make Jessica head back out that way almost immediately after dropping him off, but he’s not sure who else he could ask to pick Jack up. It’s almost a stupid length of time before it dawns on him to call the studio.

“Life in Color, this is Alaina.”

“Alaina, hi, this is Jack’s dad—” He has his whole spiel prepared, but she cuts him off.

“Oh, sure, hang on a sec, she’s right here. It’s Jack’s dad,” she says, but it sounds further away, like she’s trying to cover the receiver. After a moment, his neighbor picks up.

“Aaron, hi. Jack said you were working.”

“Yeah, I was, and I’m supposed to pick him up after class, but our flight was delayed.” He doesn’t know how to ask for help with Jack; even with all the time they’ve been spending together, she still makes him a little nervous. Luckily, he doesn’t have to figure that part out on his own.

“Hey, that’s no problem. If it’s okay with you, I’ll just take him home with me. I’ll order pizza, we’ll draw, and you can just stop by when you’re home and pick him up.” He breathes a sigh of relief, runs a hand over the back of his head.

“That would be perfect. Thank you—I’ll owe you one.”

“You don’t owe me anything. Hanging out with your mini me is reward enough; he’s painting something special for you today, won’t let me see it.” That makes him smile, and he feels so warm at the prospect of picking him up from her bright apartment, seeing his artwork, her smile. After a long, draining day like this one, it’s exactly what he needs.

“I’ll have to remain in suspense until tonight, I guess. Can you let him know I said hi? And thank you, I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Of course. We’ll see you then.”

It’s late, after nine, by the time he makes it home. He doesn’t even take his bags inside, just drops them outside his door and knocks softly on hers. She answers with a smile, ushers him in, asks him if he’d like a drink and gets them each a beer.

Jack is in her room, asleep, so they have a little time to chat; she asks about his flight, his case, and he asks about the studio, and she gets a little shy when it comes to that topic, clears her throat.

“Um. I have Jack’s secret project, if you want to see it. He said I could show you.” He’s not sure why that would make her nervous—at least, until he sees it.

The background is all watercolors, a gradient of rainbow colors starting with pink at the top and ending with a soft purple at the bottom. Over that, in black marker, he’s drawn the three of them, with a big heart around them.

“Tonight’s theme was the thing that makes you the happiest, and he said he’s the happiest when the three of us are on the balcony together. It was… really, really sweet.” She looks up at him, brushes a hand over the crown of her head. “If I’m being honest, that’s when I’m the happiest, too.” He takes the picture from her hands, runs his fingers over it, and smiles, feeling a warm ache in his chest—not like before, not like losing someone he’s never really met, but like finding something he never really planned on.

“That’s when I’m the happiest, too,” he agrees, and when he looks up, she looks determined, like she does when trying to find just the right shade of paint. She takes Jack’s picture out of his hand, sets it on the counter, and then pulls him down by the lapels of his suit, kisses him long and slow. His hands move to her waist, keeping her close, and eventually she pauses for breath, looks at him again, and then wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him some more.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the first time I saw you—tall and dark and serious, striding out of the elevator. So intriguing, mysterious,” she breathes when they separate again. “I wanted to know everything about you.”

“Are you kidding?” he asks, huffing a laugh. “I’m boring, but you are so vibrant, so full of life; I felt like you were everything I wasn’t, and I wanted to know you so badly.”

“You know me now; would you like to keep getting to know me?” It’s one of the easiest questions he’s ever been asked; he nods, and she beams, and he lifts her into his arms and carries her to the couch, drapes himself over her while she leans back against the cushions, pulling him closer.

They make out like neither of them have a care in the world—god, how long has it been since he’s made out with someone?—her fingers scraping through his hair, his hands on her bare waist when her shirt rides up, and she’s in the process of pushing his jacket off his shoulders when they hear a sound from the other room that startles them apart. Jack.

“I’ll go check on him,” Aaron says, and when he goes into her room Jack is still snuggled up on her bed sound asleep. It looks like some canvases fell over, though, and he stoops to pick them up, then spots the car they painted together. He turns and she’s right behind him, skids to a stop. “I thought you said these were at the studio?”

“They were,” she says, and she looks nervous again. “But I changed my mind about hanging them there. They felt too personal.” He runs his hand over the car and sees where she’s coming from; this one feels personal to him, too.

“Can I see the rest?” he asks. “Only if you want to show me them.”

“You’re the only one I want to show them to,” she says with a soft smile, and she grabs a few more canvases, carries them into the light of the living room. “Beauty in the ordinary, remember.” He remembers, could never forget.

She turns one over, and it’s a kitchen sink, and in the kitchen sink is an orange plate with a fork resting on it—like the plate she’d given him with the pasta on it. She turns one over and it’s a man’s hand, holding a paintbrush, with pale blue paint on his forearm. The next one is a little herb garden on a balcony; the next one is a view from above, of a sandy haired boy with markers all around him. The last one is an open elevator—ripe with possibilities.

When he looks up at her, she’s got tears in her eyes, and one slips down her cheek.

“So, I think I’ve found my good times.” She smiles through her tears, and he takes her face in his hands and kisses the salt from her lips. “I love you,” she says when he pulls back to wipe her face with his sleeve, and he kisses her softly, again and again, and tells her he loves her, too. The next weekend, Jack is at Jessica’s for a sleepover, and Aaron has been enlisted to help with an art project. He walks next door, knocks lightly, and enters the living room; he is met with a very deep, passionate kiss and a smile, and instructions to help move the furniture out of the way.

“I’m really curious what kind of art requires this much floor space,” he says, shoving her couch back against the wall, and she sinks her teeth into her bottom lip, a move he has been unable to resist since she did it the first time they had sex. She knows it’s a weakness, exploits it, and he loves every minute of it.

“You��ll see, but I promise you’re going to like it.” When they clear the floor, she grabs a large, rolled-up fabric canvas and lays it out in the middle of the room, then drops three bottles of paint—one is yellow (jasmine), one is orange (peach), and one is kind of pink (coral? He’s still not sure.)—onto it. “You can obviously say no if you want, but I wanted something over my bed with the sunset colors, and I found this…” She steps closer to him, runs her hands down his chest, guides him down for a kiss so delicious he loses his train of thought. “It’s sex art; we put the paint on the canvas, and on ourselves, and… you know, go at it. What do you think?”

He thinks he really, really loves art now, even more than he thought possible.

“So we have paint-covered sex and then you just hang it on the wall? Like regular art?”

“Yep, I got the supplies I’ll need to hang it; letting it dry will probably take the longest. I figured we could shower while it’s drying, maybe go for round two, if you’re up for it.” She moves her hand to his waist, slips it inside his shorts, and he pulls her closer to his body. “Are you up for it, Aaron?”

That is an understatement.

Undressing happens extremely fast, because this is really sexy and they’re kind of in a phase where they can’t keep their hands off of each other anyway. She pulls her hair up onto the top of her head to try to minimize the amount of paint in it, and then she pours paint on the canvas, turns around and drizzles some on his back and tells him to lay down.

“I think we should probably change positions often so we get a lot of motion on the canvas; I apologize to your old knees in advance,” she teases, but she soothes the sting of her words by pouring paint on herself and then laying between his legs and licking at his dick. “Do some stuff with your hands; I want to see those big handprints on my wall,” she murmurs, and he groans, puts his palms down in the paint and drags them through it.

She leans up a little, sliding her knees through some yellow paint, sucks him fully, deeply into her mouth for couple of minutes, and then stretches forward and puts an orange hand right in the middle of his chest; the look in her eyes is playful, and he reaches out with one finger, hooks it under her chin, and guides her off and up so they can kiss.

“Your turn,” he says with a smirk, and then he gets her onto her back and ducks between her legs, hopes she doesn’t grab for his hair like she usually does. He rubs his pointed tongue over her clit, waits for the mmm it always elicits, and looks up at her, covers each of her breasts with a paint-covered palm and squeezes. “Leave handprints for me,” he leans up and reminds her, kissing her stomach, and she plants her hands, then presses up and grabs his shoulder, smearing pink down his back. “Oh, you wanted more of that?”

“Don’t tease me, the paint will dry,” she whines, and he spreads her thighs wider with his elbows and licks her pussy quickly, until she’s squirming against the canvas and panting for more. “Come here, come here.”

He’s not ready for that, though, paint or not, wants her to come from this; he takes his hands off of her, dips them in the paint again and presses down, then puts his hands under her ass and brings her closer so he can fuck her with his tongue, quick and deep and slick.

“Aaron, Aaron, god.” She slides her hands down his arms, over his neck, digs her nails in when she comes moaning like music.

While she catches her breath, so gorgeous, she sticks her arms out like she’s making a snow angel, and he catches her while she’s off guard and turns her onto her stomach, puts his hands on the smears of paint he’s already left on her ass, and slides inside.

“Oh my god; I was trying to impress you with this sexy art project, but you’re rocking my world.” She’s breathless, pressing back into his thrusts and painting with her entire body. God, he loves her mind.

“You know I always take your projects very seriously,” he says, leaning forward to whisper in her ear, and she groans, laughs.

“Yes you do. From the side? Let’s lay diagonally.” They shift, and he hooks his chin over her shoulder, kisses her neck and huffs hot against her hair. “Hmm, love it like this,” she sighs, and she reaches back to press her hand to his hip, holding him while he moves inside her. “I love you.”

“Love you. I want you to finish on top of me,” he instructs with a wet kiss to her throat, and she nods against his lips.

“Yeah, next; I’m getting close.” A few more strokes and she gets up onto her knees, lets him lay back, propped up on his arms, and climbs on top of him; she kisses him slow and dirty and then runs her hands over him, sits back on his dick and glides up and down. “You wanna come like this too? I owe you a little world rocking,” she says with a flick of her tongue over his bottom lip, and he nods, squeezes her thigh.

“It’s the least you can do after making me move all the heavy furniture.” She rolls her eyes but kisses his chin, down his throat, and bounces harder on him, all delicious eye contact and moans. “Mmm. Just like that, baby, come for me.”

“Fuck. I will, I will.” She wraps a hand around the back of his neck, kisses him kind of rough and with lots of tongue, and then tips her head back and climaxes, clenches, wrings his orgasm out of him so quickly it’s almost jarring. “Oh, yes Aaron. So good,” she mumbles, and then he lays back, out of breath, and she slides out of his lap and lays beside him, out of breath too.

After a moment, she looks over at him, smiles, and swipes a pink fingertip over his cheek.

“This is the hottest thing I’ve ever done with anyone. I’m glad I got to do it with you.” He rolls on top of her, presses a kiss to her nose, and nods.

“Me too. You know,” he adds after a moment, “my bedroom could use some artwork, too.” She grins, wraps her arms around him and squeezes tight.

“You’re right; I think we should do yours in blue: liberty, that’s dark blue; periwinkle, that’s light blue; maybe steel gray, too.”

“You’re the expert. I’m just your paintbrush.” Her hands smooth up his back, and contentment washes over him like a warm breeze.

“Hmm. I like the sound of that. Want to get cleaned up?”

Cleaning up is almost as fun as making the mess, because they’re well and truly covered, and when the canvas dries, the sunset colors are almost as beautiful as the ones she used the first time he ever saw her paint. Taglist ❤️: @arsonhotchner @mrsh0tchner @ssahotchie @sleepyreaderreads @mintphoenix @meghannnnnn @disgruntledchowchow @azenpal @g-l-pierce @my-rosegold-soul @ssamorganhotchner @heliotropehotch @angelhotchner @qtip-blog @gspenc