#Teoft rambles

[teoft]

It's like Tumblr has become almost a diary for me, thanks to no character limit and a read more button. This atmosphere of acceptance and understanding helps a lot too.

I'll get back to posting actual art, juggling with Twitter and Bluesky along with commissions is taking up a lot of my time.

Anyway, thoughts about art community and being social

For the longest time I've had this feeling of being an outsider in this vague community of artists that see as colleagues of sorts. Like I meet all the "criteria" of being in the group, and yet don't really feel like I'm part of it. Well, it seems I am right in some way, and the reason is that they interact with each other, while I sit here drawing alone.

Unfortunately I've always been prone to isolate myself from others. I grew up feeling like I should be ashamed of loving to draw, since it was always fanart monsters, creatures and cool guys instead of "proper art" like animals and portraits. Before social media, I only drew for myself and never showed anything to anybody. I hid my art from my family, from the world, so that I wouldn't be judged. I think it is one of the biggest reasons why I have trouble interacting with people in the context of art (tbh I'm shit at being social anyway but that's a whole another problem).

Even when I had a scanner and means to post my art online, I never did, due to the whole "if you put something online it'll be there forever" mindset. My first actual account anywhere online must've been Facebook in 2010ish, where I only had a few friends. It was the perfect place for me to finally post anything online, and so I did: I used to post pretty much everything I drew on there. Slowly gaining courage, I eventually made my original Tumblr account, then Deviantart, Twitter, etc.

Still, all I did was throw my art out there in hopes of somebody liking it. I didn't really know how to interact with the people who commented on my posts, so instead I mostly just... made more art. I did have some friend groups here and there, but either they ended up falling apart or my social battery drained in such a way that I slowly drifted away. I had gotten used to just being by myself and relying only on myself in the online art world.

During my design studies, I started putting more thought and work on promoting myself, so that it could be one career path for me to take. My mindset was that I'll work hard and become "big", even if it meant that one post gained me just one follower. In 2020 I ended up going viral with a meme and suddenly getting tens of thousands of followers. It was great and a welcome boost of morale, but unfortunately 2020 was otherwise one of the worst years in my life.

Throughout the years people have come and gone, so the only constant for me has been myself, and my drive to develop my skills. Thus it's been too easy for me to just isolate myself. In a way it has been my strength with regards to art, but sometimes I wish I knew how to make lasting connections. I think/know I might be autistic to some degree, which adds to the difficulty of being social. Though, to be honest, I don't know if I'd gotten this far without my autistic hyperfixations.

I guess the thing I need to do now to fix this problem of loneliness and isolation is to just... slowly try and be more social. To reply to comments and talk to people. All of which is easier said than done. Still, just gotta take that first step and then keep going.

Despite lacking the kind of community I yearn for, it seems I've made a name for myself, enough so that people seem to take pride in knowing me. Or at least that's the impression I've gotten a few times. But still, I am happy that I've had a positive effect on people. After all, my two main motivators in art are that I like doing it, and I like when people enjoy my art.

[teoft]

Don't wanna complain on Twitter, there's enough going on there anyway:

Twitter was the first and only of my accounts that became big. It was one of my biggest achievements in a way, since it was "concrete evidence" that a lot of people enjoy my art. I haven't been able to replicate the numbers anywhere, and I'm afraid I never will.

Even though big number is nice, it was always mostly about visibility and finding commission clients. Without that and the financial boost from commissions, I just... don't know. This shit couldn't be happening at a worse time. I don't have the energy to just rebuild everything.

I guess it was cool to larp as a big artist for four years, but now I feel I'll just fade away into the underbrush of social media once again.

[teoft]

The other day I was reminded that there are different levels to getting soaked in the rain:

Your jacket is wet, maybe pants too, annoying but manageable, the clothes might dry out in the time you run around a store etc.

All your clothes are starting to be wet and heavier, socks and underwear included. This fucking sucks, gotta change all clothes when possible.

The moisture has soaked deep in your being. Your soul is soaked. Your mind is saturated. Nature laughs at your waterproof clothing. Being dry seems like dream. Rain is all you know, and will ever know. You start to dissassociate due to being so wet.

[teoft]

I think the fact that a slashed zero is visually similar to the simulations of a black hole is a beautiful coincidence.

[teoft]

I keep reading about artists who are infamous for taking years with commissions and owing tons of people art or refunds.

And here I am getting bumped by a car and lamenting about not being able to work on a commission due to arm hurting. So maybe I can cut myself a bit of slack.

(Re: car: I'm ok physically, in the end only thing that was hurt was my shoulder and my trust in other people in traffic. Mentally though, idk. worrying about everything else but yourself after an incident is not healthy, but I'm working on that.)

[teoft]

Don't you think it's cruel? To have to kill your own kin, for the sake of mankind? That if things went a bit differently, you'd be the one killed, by a being just like you? That you now have more in common with these monsters, yet you choose to protect humanity?

Even then, you either fight and die yourself, or eventually run out of enemies. There will be no more like you, no more of your kin.

Endless Battle, followed by Eternal Solitude.

The Endling Grasshopper, the Last of its Kind.

[teoft]

With the job market being as it is, there's a higher chance of being isekai'd as a slime or something than getting a job via application

...Truck-chan no, don't tempt me...

[teoft]

Getting a copyright email from Redbubble is kinda funny, like they have endless amounts of unlicensed merch made from shitty stolen pngs, but the merch I made from my fanart is completely unacceptable.

While on the topic, go check out my shop:

[teoft]

"Come back to Tumblr", they said.

"The last good social media."

And now it's just one more site that will devour my art for the sake of AI.

I'm tired.

[teoft]

Falling Velocity

Composed by Shunsuke Kikuchi Sound Produced & Arranged by Taku Iwasaki Lyrics by Lotus Juice

You wanna know how I do it, You wanna flow like how I did, God knows why he provided it, The Heat, The Pain, The Heart

[teoft]

Reminiscing

Spring 2020, I applied for a design job/internship and went to the interview. Turned out they wanted a copywriter instead of a designer, despite the brief saying otherwise.

On the bus ride back the news of lockdown reached me, and I remember thinking "Well, shit, there goes the rest of the semester." I also had this weird feeling, like something had changed.

Suddenly four years have passed, and it's all a haze.

Time just keeps slipping through my fingers.

[teoft]

what the fuck

[teoft]

I'm not defending any of these sites, but this fearmongering about standard ToS jargon is tiresome. It is basically on every single ToS of every single website.

[teoft]

I'm just built different, even my bones have bones, I'm Him, I'm The Him Reaper, I'm The Himigami No eyes, I don't need to see the price tag, Took a sip of Styx, that shit was mid, Smoking Lost Souls to even feel anything, Paid the Charon with stacks, I don't believe in pennies, Told him to keep the change and he quit his job.

[teoft]

Do you take comms and if so for how much.

At this current moment no, but I will again after a brief break (week or two).

Here are my current prices:

The difference between color options is that simple is just one or two highlight or base colors, while detailed is fully colored.

[teoft]

Dead I am the one, exterminating son

Vlad III, commonly known as Vlad the Impaler (Romanian: Vlad Țepeș) or Vlad Dracula; 1428/31 – 1476/77) He was the second son of Vlad Dracul, who became the ruler of Wallachia in 1436.

Slippin' through the trees, stranglin' the breeze Dead I am the sky, watchin' angels cry While they slowly turn, conquering the worm

While the angels, all pallid and wan, Uprising, unveiling, affirm That the play is the tragedy, “Man,” And its hero, the Conqueror Worm.