#TW Panic Mention

[let-roman-bite-someone]

this is something i’ve been ruminating on ever since WTIT came out.

i’ve been thinking about this connection for a while. Virgil’s anxiety can lead to cognitive distortions if taken too far (a.k.a if Thomas beats himself up over something) and these cognitive distortions are Remus’s creations. this is interesting, it’s interesting to see how Virgil’s and Remus’s roles overlap and almost compliment each other, but in an unhealthy way.

but this just makes it all the more confusing as to why Virgil wasn’t present in WTIT, and why he seemed so unbothered in the endcard. i once aired this confusion on here and most people said that it was like Logan in Moving On, Virgil was still present within Thomas, he just didn’t take a physical form.

this doesn’t make sense to me because when Logan sunk out, Thomas had trouble thinking logically at first. he gets around to it eventually, but it’s clear that while Logan wasn’t completely gone, his disappearance made a significant impact on the group. Virgil was having a panic attack, Roman was urging Thomas to act on impulse, Patton was confused and lost.

it’s clear this is not the case in WTIT. in an episode that is so heavily centered around anxiety and - dare i say - paranoia, it’s baffling that Virgil was almost completely unaffected. especially since, again, he seemed fine in the end card. he was a little bitter towards Patton, but that’s all.

i’m just curious as to whether there was a canonical reason for this. for why Virgil wasn’t involved in an episode where Thomas was constantly panicking over dangers that might take place.

especially since,

1. Thomas is worried about something Virgil has mentioned before, being alone/losing his loved ones.

2. Thomas did something that Virgil has canonically been shown to care about in the past - not following up on his plans to be productive.

3. fake!Nico says WORD FOR WORD what Virgil suggested during the debate - AND both scenarios were about a potential love interest not replying to Thomas’s text.

of course, Virgil has greatly improved since the negative thinking episode, but he is still anxiety. and Thomas is still an anxious person. and Thomas was visibly freaking out throughout WTIT so it’s really really unlikely that Virgil was just in the backseat for that episode.

Logan temporarily “leaving” (but still being present) in Moving On makes sense because it was an emotional episode, and Thomas needed to sort things out with his emotional sides a.k.a Patton, Roman and Virgil (mainly Patton). there was logic involved but it wasn’t a logic-centric episode.

WTIT was 100% an anxiety-centric episode.

i doubt that this was accidental. there are so many direct parallels and callbacks, it had to be intentional. there’s no way Thomas and crew just forgot that Virgil played a crucial role in creating cognitive distortions. i think there’s something deeper here, there must be a reason why Virgil wasn’t present for this episode and how he seemed so nonchalant when he did appear. there’s absolutely no way Virgil was just “present within Thomas” and didn’t feel the need to show up in person.

[hannahbarberra162]

Can't Fix Fix A Broken Heart - Chapter 2

Now on Ao3

Chapter 1 All chapters

Chapter 2: Fourth Division Commanders

TW: implied past abuse, y/n has a panic attack

Everything in Italics are y/n’s thoughts.

_____________________________________________________

You looked back and forth between Vista and Oldest Brother. Looking between them you could see some physical similarities. They had the same body type and predilection for wearing open shirts. Vista was grinning widely and even Oldest had a small smile on his face. Something you had never seen before - it was a little unnerving.

Vista came up to his brother, pinched his cheek and hugged him about the neck. Oldest gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder and said to the pirate “looking as ugly as ever Brother.” All the men laughed with no malice. Vista happily faced his companions gesturing to Oldest and said “My oldest brother. Call him Oldest. You met Heavy and Baby last night. The three of them stayed here with Da while I went out to sea and they opened this bar. It was always just the three of them here after Da died.” 

He surveyed you with a mildly amused expression on his face “that is, until now. Seems a sister has joined the family.” Oldest just grunted as his response and took the folded newspaper from under his arm and placed it on the bar top. You were thankful Oldest was there so you didn’t have to respond.

You realized you were pinching the skin on the sides of your fingers - never a good sign. It was time to go. “Nice meeting everyone,” you said while holding up your hand in a small wave “but I’m going to get going.”

“Sit girl” Oldest said simply. His tone didn’t have any wiggle room for misinterpretation. You didn’t sit down but didn’t move any farther away either. He gave you an intense stare that you didn’t know how to interpret.

“Thought you said you weren’t a pirate” he finally said in his gravelly voice.

Your eyebrows pinched together in the middle. You had no idea what he was talking about. “I’m not,” you said with confusion in your voice. The others in the bar had become quiet, watching the interaction play out.

“Look then,” as he opened the folded newspaper and slid a wanted poster your way. Your anxiety was increasing second by second. You turned over the paper and glanced down. It was a picture of you, from about a year ago. You looked much thinner, and your eyes were glassy - almost dead inside. You had no expression on your face besides general misery. You were dirty and had a thin shirt covering your bony chest.

WANTED: Y/N L/N - 4th Division Commander of the Twisted Pirates

ALIVE ONLY. BOUNTY - 25,000 Beri.

Below that was a physical description of you that was nearly accurate. It also included your “crime” of sinking a merchant Marine vessel and going on the run for years. 

You gripped the paper between both hands. This couldn’t be happening this couldn’t be happening what was this what was happening. You couldn’t hear anything you couldn’t see anything you were just looking at the paper only the paper. Your neck felt like it was filled with stinging bees. What were you going to do what were you going to do you couldn’t go back you couldn’t go back you couldn’t go back they were gonna take you back gonna find you gonna take you

You were jerked out of your thought loop when Oldest gently touched your shoulder. You looked up at him with your eyes as wide as they could go. He said something you couldn’t hear. You were looking at him but also not looking at him at anything at anyone. Were you in your body? Was he talking to you? Or were you looking at yourself from outside your body. Pinch your fingers to find out if its real pinch harder pinch...

You did suddenly remember there were other people there. Your heart was pounding but your limbs felt numb. You couldn’t remember what was happening but you needed out. Now. Outside now or you were going to puke inside. Puke inside clean it up puke again clean it up again again again. Outside was always better always better could breathe could move always better. You felt like you were dying were you dying dying dying would dying be better? Gonna die on that ship gonna die on that ship gonna die gonna die. Still clutching the paper you mumbled to him “g’na take a break.” You tried to walk as normally as you could manage to the door out to the back alley.

Oldest watched you leave the bar. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Marco, Thatch, Vista exchanged a look between them. 

“What?” said Ace shrugging a shoulder at them. “It’s not even a high bounty. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“You fuckin’ idiot,” Thatch said as he smacked Ace on the back of the head. He started following after you out the back door of the bar. 

Marco POV

He didn’t know who was more surprised over the Wanted poster - you or him. You were clearly not a pirate - and definitely not a Commander. You were uncomfortable with seemingly any conflict -which was kind of a prerequisite for being an outlaw. And your reaction to the poster had been extreme. Looking down at the poster, he saw your old picture and frowned. You were obviously being mistreated by someone during that time. And it seems they wanted you back.

He halfway listened to Vista talking to his brother. Vista’s brothers were good people - Marco had known them for a long time. It was always nice to visit the Brothers - and they usually gave out some free booze too. But his mind kept wandering back to you. There were so many unanswered questions and surprises from the day that he wanted to dig into, especially with the addition of this new information.

His first surprise had come when you opened the door. Having graced the doorway of The Brothers Bar for many years, he had been expecting the grizzled Heavy or even a surly Baby to open the door. Instead, he had looked down at a sweet looking someone. Never in all the years he had known the Brothers had they ever hired anyone. Especially not a woman. He wasn’t even sure he had ever seen more than a handful of women in the bar over the years.

But there you were, hair piled high on top of your head, wearing worn clothes with your sleeves rolled up, a too-large apron dwarfing your body. You were a sweet little thing, looking annoyed and professional at the same time. Physically, you were definitely his type - in a different setting, he would have flirted with you to try to get you into his bed. Or maybe even join him and Thatch - he and Thatch had similar interests and shared a few women over the years. But you were anxious at seeing them and clearly wanted them gone. Unfortunately for you, you didn’t have the courage - or maybe the ability - to say no to them coming into the bar. 

Despite your timid nature you didn’t immediately tell the pirates that Ace was there when questioned. You deflected their questions even though you were outnumbered and outclassed. You even went to speak with Ace privately before he entered the room in case he needed time to fight or flee. From Ace’s story, he knew you had met that morning so it's not like you were old friends. Why were you being so…kind? Why were you being so protective of Ace, someone you had just met? Normally civilians were either indifferent to pirates or outright hostile. It seemed that you helped Ace and didn’t ask anything in return. Were you trying to curry favor with Oyaji? It didn’t seem likely since you didn’t ask any of them any questions about their activities or even seem to recognize them at first sight.

An even more surprising event from the morning was that Ace had actually showered in your apartment. Ace was normally emotionally distant from strangers. Polite, charming, handsome, charismatic, but distant. He only truly relaxed when he was with his siblings or alone on Striker. Thatch’s comment wasn’t too far off either - the Whitebeard Pirate commanders usually had a pool going betting on when Ace would shower next. The longest he had gone without showering was 22 days, and it only ended because they strong armed him into the shower after they could no longer bear his stench. Ace was a little more feral than most people knew. Ace didn’t comply with any social etiquette that he didn’t want to, being raised by tigers or lions or whatever it was he said was on that island.

But for you, he had taken a shower (with soap!), brushed his hair, drank what you gave him, ate your food, followed you around, hung on your every word, probably sniffed your panties… Ace certainly warmed up to you quickly. Marco wondered if Ace had also found you as cute and edible as he did... Ace was young and inexperienced but seemed like he’d be eager to learn. Maybe with a guiding hand he could join in with you and…Marco yanked his thoughts away from the subject. More to think on at a later time.

With that, he could also admit to himself that his feathers were a little ruffled that you had recognized Ace but not himself, Vista, or Thatch. They had been around a lot longer than Ace had and their bounties were higher. They were iconic pirates after all! His ego was bruised more than anything. He was going to ask you about it later - maybe when things were less tense. 

The back door opened and Heavy and Baby entered the bar. Similar to their brother, they grunted, took a shot, then smiled at Vista. Non verbal communication went a long way with Vista’s family it seemed.

“Oi. Oldest. Vista’s in town.”

“No shit Baby. You couldn’t have told me last night?”

“Nah, was too drunk with Mustachio and Birdy here. Had a table throwing contest. Besides, you seemed to have figured it out all right.”

After greeting the other two brothers, Marco started tuning back into what everyone was talking about. You were on everyone’s mind that morning. 

“See the papers?” spat out Heavy.

“Yep” replied Oldest and Baby in unison.

“It’s fucked” retorted Heavy. “She’s no pirate, can’t hold a sword, knife, gun, nothing. Don’t think I’ve ever seen her make a fist even. Can’t turn a corner without shaking like a leaf. If she’s a Commander, I’m Whitebeard. Something is going on.” The three Brothers and Vista all simultaneously crossed their arms and started frowning. If not for the topic of conversation it would have been something Marco teased them about.

“Why’d you hire her yoi?” asked Marco during the brief lull.

The Brothers looked at one another. Heavy and Baby tilted their heads towards Oldest who narrowed his eyes at them in annoyance and began. “Well, see, it’s like this,” started Oldest “Obviously her fruit power is helpful, we won't deny that. Saves us buckets of Beri almost every day. But the truth is we didn’t really hire her. We found her. A few months ago, there was a shipwreck and crates from the destroyed boat started washing ashore. We were openin’ ‘em, taking whatever was inside ‘em. Well, we opened one, and there she was. Sealed inside, starved skinny as a skeleton, and nearly dead…

[ceiwiart2]

Panic - A Steven Universe Fan Comic

First - Previous - Next

[vampire-rodeo]

Every time I hear about a school near me (USAmerica) banning cellphones in classrooms, my immediate thought is fear for those students there, because what if one day they have a shooting and those students can’t call their mothers? Because legislators are more concerned about technology than guns.

[phoebepheebsphibs]

Double-Mutated Mikey

Chapter 31: Amnestic Syndrome

Continued from the short story written by @boots-with-the-fur-club

Prev || Next

It has been a wonderful few days.

Leo has been chillin' like a king.

Casey got a suntan.

Raph caught a hermit crab while swimming and giddily showed it off to everyone.

Donnie started (and won) a squirt gun war.

Splinter has been napping nonstop, which is not exactly different from the norm but he's happy as a clam and has 100% been enjoying the seafood dinners.

Even Draxum has benefitted from this whole thing, having been reunited with Huginn and Muninn. He's even offered them their jobs back as his shoulder pads! Or whatever it is they're supposed to do.

And, of course, Mikey is having the time of his life running free and uncontained. Leo can't remember the last time he saw him so energetic and happy; it's like he's a little kid again.

Mikey has asked to go explore the heart of the island today, and so the four brothers are off on a hike into the beautiful jungle. Raph and Leo mostly lead the way, though Mikey runs off in different directions and they change course to accommodate. It reminds Leo of when they were turtle tots exploring the sewer tunnels. Raph would always take the lead as the eldest, though Leo (headstrong child that he was) would often fight to take charge or go a different way that looked cooler. Donnie and Mikey would walk hand in hand together until Mikey's hyperactivity went into overdrive and he'd start hooting and hollering and race up and down the tunnels excitedly. Leo would go chasing after him in a game of tag, Raph would cry because he was afraid they'd get lost, and Donnie would remain unconcerned. Ah, what good times they had...

Leo notices that Mikey had gone off in a certain direction not too long ago, but now can barely hear him. Scratch that, he can't hear or see him at all.

"Mikey?" Leo calls out. "Where are ya, bud?"

Donnie instinctively looks down at his wrist tech. Raph starts walking in the direction that Mikey's gone off in. He walks past the brush and flora...

Mikey comes bounding out of the bushes and pounces on Raphael, causing him to yipe in fright and topple over. Leo yelps at the literal jumpscare, but his fright turns to uproarious laughter at Raphael's face. Donnie smirks to himself and mumbles something along the lines of "I knew he was there."

Raph lays on the ground, gasping for breath as Mikey sits on his plastron with an enormous grin, tail wagging happily at the prank's success. Leo is on the ground cackling.

"Okay, okay, you got me," Raph sighs, picking Mikey up and off of his chest. "You can stop laughing now, Leo."

Leo, in fact, does not stop laughing for five more minutes.

The four press on.

Leo has to hold onto Donnie's arm for support after all that laughing. Dee isn't such a huge fan of that, especially with all the heat and humidity from the tropical climate. But he seems preoccupied. Leo happens to glance over and catches him looking at his wrist tech again.

"What are you doing?" Leo asks, leaning over to get a look for himself.

"Just checking something."

Leo notices several colour-coded icons.

"The trackers?"

"Yes. Since we are on a remote island and Michael has a tendency to just go running off when excited, I have been making sure that I know where he is at all times."

Leo looks back up at Donatello's face. His drawn-on eyebrows are furrowed, a crease on his fivehead and a stare of intensity in his eyes.

When Mikey first went missing, Dee would just stare at the tracking program and reupload new lines of code, debug it, update it, even turn the program off and then on again. He sat at his computer for an entire day, trying to understand what had happened. It worked fine for a few hours after Raph and Leo had reported Mikey MIA. But then, suddenly, it flickered and died out. Donnie didn't speak for the entire rest of the night, only staring at his screen and trying to get it back online. Leo had tried talking to him about it, But Donnie remained adamant that his tech and his ninpo were unparalleled. It would have taken massive voltage or some kind of mystic EMP like what the Krang had to deactivate it.

....Now, thinking it over, and after they'd discovered Mikey's altered DNA and the fact that he'd experienced severe electric charges, it began to make sense as to why the tracker was deactivated.

But it was like Donnie had said before -- it wasn't just deactivated, his tracker was removed. And though Leo and the others had considered it an invasion of privacy, Donnie's subdermal trackers came in handy more often than not, and Leo had found it was Dee's way of showing them that he cared about them all deeply. Not being able to know where Mikey was, or if he was alive... terrified him. Terrified all of them.

All that to say, Leo understands perfectly well why Donnie has been checking the trackers as often as possible.

Leo lets go of Donnie's arm, walking side by side with him.

The hike -- while being almost unbearably hot and through thick jungles -- is actually quite fun! Even with Mikey's occasional jumpscare pranks on the three.

Donnie goes into nerd mode, analyzing the flora and taking samples for later.

Raph is having fun chasing after Mikey and playing games with him. Mikey's memory issues and slight confusion make it seem like he's much younger than he really is, and Raph has missed being able to baby him like this. Some part of Leo thinks this might become an issue later on, but for the moment, Mikey is happy to have fun and Raph is happy to reminisce on days when his baby brother used to play with him like this.

And Leo is just happy to enjoy this time with his brothers. Even if he's constantly getting trampled by Michelangelo.

Speaking of which, Mikey is due for another jumpscare any minute now. Leo is on guard, listening for the little hunter. Mikey's inherited crazy impressive instincts from the added DNA. He somehow knows how not to make a single sound when moving, even in the tall grass and thick roots. He's fast, too, like blink-and-you-miss-it fast. You usually don't even realise he's stalking you until you're face-down in the dirt with him giggling on your back. Leo looks around cautiously for him. He sure is taking his sweet time...

Raph starts checking behind ferns and large flowers.

"Gee, he sure is hiding pretty well this time. I can't see him anywhere!"

Leo starts looking with him, checking the tree limbs to see if he's going to do another aerial ambush. But he can't see him anywhere.

"How does someone covered in neon yellow polka dots get so good at camouflage?? It's like he's not even here!"

"...That's probably because he isn’t, Nardo."

Leo and Raph turn to Donnie, who is looking down at his wrist tech.

"Mikey is several meters away from us. He ran off five minutes ago and has been stationary for quite some time. I suggest we go looking for him. The fact that he hasn't moved for five minutes is mildly concerning."

Leo and Raph follow behind Donatello as he leads the way towards a small clearing. Donnie pushes aside a group of monsteras, revealing a tiny river and waterfall hidden within the jungle. Large and exotic flowers grow around the clearing, almost fencing it in. The riverbank is made from volcanic rocks -- glassy obsidian and smoothed pumice and shimmering gabro. Leo and Raph ooh and awe at the scenery.

"Mikey is somewhere in here," Donnie says, looking around. "According to my GPS, he should be right around -- yipe!!"

Donnie yelps as he stumbles forward, nearly falling into a hidden pit just in front of them. The pit is obscured by the grass and alocasias growing around it, almost covering the opening completely. And to top it off, there is a short but unexpected drop-down from the area around the clearing, like an unexpected stair.

Both Raph and Leo grab Donnie by the shoulders and yank him back. He glances back with a grumble.

"What island has a secret hidden pit lying around?!"

From deep within the pit, they hear a chirp.

"Mikey!" Raph calls, stepping around the pit and looking down into it. "Is that you?"

"Hi, Raphie..."

"Are you okay?" Leo shouts.

"M'fine, just stuck."

"Stuck? Stuck how?" Leo asks, peering into the pit.

He can see Mikey sitting at the bottom of the pit, hands and feet doused in mud and muck. He looks awfully embarrased.

"Can't you just climb out?"

"Tried," Mikey answers. "Too slippery. Rocks are too wet an' slimy, Mikey just kept sliding on the mud!"

"Well, this is the time when I reiterate why we should always bring our mystic weapons with us when hiking," Donnie grumbles, crossing his arms.

"It was just a walk in the jungle! It's not like we were going to fight anything! Why bring them?" Leo refutes.

"Oh, I don't know, in case Mikey falls in a hole and we need to A: make a portal to get him out, B: Use giant elongated hands to lift him out, or C: create impossibly futuristic tech to get him out!"

"Okay, Einstein!" Leo growls. "It was just a suggestion! You could have actually brought your bō, I wasn't gonna stop you --"

"Can we stop shiftin' blame and get to helpin' Mikey already?" Raph yells, grabbing the twins' attention.

"Right right right," Leo stammers. "Well, Donnie actually gave me an idea! We can't really use our ninpo without our magic weapons, but you know who can?"

"…Mikey?"

"Exactly!" Leo says with a smile.

He leans down and calls into the pit.

"Yo, Mike! Just make a mystic chain and climb out!"

Mikey stares up at him, cocking his head in confusion.

"How?"

"Y'know, with your... mystic abilities? Your ninpo?"

"Whazza ninpo?" he asks.

Leo swallows. Both Raph and Donnie exchange glances.

"It's... it's like a superpower you have. It's a part of the family, you can do all kinds of cool stuff! Your ninpo is usually making these cool glowy chains... though, you were starting to do some new things, too... B-but, just try making a chain," Leo says, rambling awkwardly.

"How do I make a chain?" Mikey asks, slightly annoyed. "I can't make anything down here!"

"No, not like make it with your hands -- Make it with your mind!"

"My mind?" Mikey asks incredulously.

"Sorta, I'm not sure exactly how your mystic abilities work -- but for me, I usually just think of where I want to go and the portals take me there. Just try concentrating. Think about family, that might help. Your ninpo is powered by our family bond!"

Mikey stares blankly at Leo, as if he just told him his spots were purple and not yellow. But... Mikey trusts Leo, so...

He concentrates. He thinks hard.

"...Nothing's happening."

"Just keep trying!" Leo calls down. "I believe in you!"

Leo believes in him. Mikey trusts Leo. Family bond. Think about family. Make a chain. Concentrate...

Mikey's spots start flickering.

He squeezes his eyes so tight he gets a headache. He balls his hands into fists until the claws dig into his palms. His muscles tense.

"Woah, Mikey, don't hurt yourself! You're gonna give yourself a hernia or something --"

Mikey barely hears him. He growls and grunts and groans, blood vessels in his forehead popping from the effort as he tries.

He can't let them down. He can't let them know the truth. They're his FAMILY. Just... just... FOCUS!

Mikey's markings flicker once more... twice...

Something bright and glowing golden starts to form... shapes, materializing like dust in the air.

Think about family. Think about family. Think about --

Think about how you are not a part of their family anymore, no matter how hard you try to deny it.

Mikey's markings dim, the light goes out. The chains decay before they ever take solid shape.

He sighs, slamming his fists against his thighs in frustration.

"I-- I can't do it. I don't know how!"

Leo, Donnie, and Raph each look at one another.

"...Okay, Mikey. It's... it's okay, we'll get you out another way. Hey, Raph! Don! I think I saw some vines on our way in, let's try those..."

The three Hamato brothers leave Mikey alone in the pit. Alone with his thoughts. With his failings. With only his Instinct.

The trio are back within moments, having collected several vines and bound them together to create a rope for Mikey to climb up on.

They cheer when he emerges, but Mikey doesn't meet their eyes. The cheers simmer down, replaced by an awkward silence.

"So... Mikey," Leo sighs, placing a hand on his little brother's quilled shoulder. "I think it's time we had a talk..."

.

.

.

Mikey cleans the muck from his lower half before talking. He rubs the mud out from between his toes and talons, digging under his fingernails and doing his best to get himself presentable for the talk.

He's stalling. They all know he's stalling.

But Mikey has been dreading this conversation since the day they got him back from the labs.

Mikey's feet dangle in the stream, playing in the gentle flow of water. He wishes he could just stay here and stay quiet, never have this talk. It feels different from a scolding. Mikey doesn't mind scoldings, he's used to them from the labs. Though, his brothers are much nicer about their scoldings than the scientists were. But this isn’t a scolding, he can tell. It's something worse. It's a confrontation… As Mikey is marinating in dread and river water, Raph comes up behind him and rubs his shoulder.

"Hey, buddy? Ready to talk yet?"

Mikey shakes his head no.

"Do we hafta talk?" he whispers.

"I think so," Raph whispers back. "This is important."

"I didn't mean to do bad," Mikey says softly, pulling his knees close to his chest. "I tried my hardest! I really did! But... I-I couldn't do it."

Raph hums in response. He's not sure what to say.

"...Don't feel bad about that. You tried really hard, I saw. We just... wanna help you figure this out, okay?"

Mikey takes a deep breath and exhales loudly.

"Okay."

Mikey takes Raphael's hands and shakily stands up, his big bro helping him to walk normally over to where the twins are waiting.

"Hey, Angelo!" Leo greets with a nervous smile. "You all cleaned up?"

Mikey nods, sitting himself down, just outside of their circle. They don't let that slide; both Raph and Leo scoot out to make him a part of their formation.

"Great. So, uh... I guess you're all wondering why I called you here --" Leo starts.

"Skip the jokes and get to the point," Donnie interjects.

"Yeesh, tough crowd! Okay, okay. Look, Mikey, we've noticed that you've been... uh, how shall we say... acting oddly around us."

Mikey swallows. He tries not to let his anxiety rise any more than it already is.

"Odd? U-uh, how?"

"You threw away your chucks," Leo lists.

"You couldn't recall our names," Donnie adds. "And I've seen the way you react when we call you 'Angelo'. I suspect you don't know your full name is Michelangelo, and not simply Mikey."

"And April said you asked her why she cares about you, or why she didn't look like us if she was our sister," Leo reminds him. "And you reacted weirdly when Dad showed you our family photos."

"You also didn't recognize Draxum," Raph contributes to the list. "And you don't remember what the Prison Dimension or the Krang are, do you?"

Mikey thinks about bluffing. But his lack of response betrays him. He sees Leo flinch and go pale at the mention, Donnie shudders and squirms. Even Raph's body language shifts. But Mikey doesn't get it. He's caught.

"Casey talked about the future, and you had no clue. You get confused by inside jokes or references, and I'm pretty sure you have no idea that Dad is actually Lou Jitsu."

"He's who?!" Mikey asks, though it takes a moment for the memory of who Lou Jitsu is to process.

"See, that's what's concerning us," Leo exclaims. "Mikey, we don't mind that you're confused, but... you aren't telling us the whole picture. And what happened with your ninpo kind of confirms what we've been suspecting for a while now..."

Mikey's head buzzes loudly. He feels ill.

"Mikey... you don't actually remember us, do you?"

His eyes sting, blurring over. He hyperventilates, he can't catch his breath. His hands clasp onto his skinny arms, his legs fold close to his chest, his tail wraps around him. His limbs trap him in a cage, the spines and spikes and quills stand on edge to protect him from the panic attack. His brothers The others try to calm him, but Mikey can't hear anything over his weeping and wailing.

Mikey rocks back and forth, feeling like he might vomit. Raphael places a hand on his shoulder. Mikey screams, swatting the hand away in a panic. Mikey stammers and stutters, not even sure what he's supposed to be saying. He wants to convey how scared he is, how hard he's trying to hold it together, how bad he feels at letting them down, the terror he has at having been caught in the lie. But all he can hear himself say is 'please please please' and 'sorry sorry sorry'.

Hands take his own. Mikey looks up and blearily sees the colour purple.

"Mikey. Can you hear me?"

Mikey nods. It's hard to breathe. He doesn't say it out loud, but the deep and desperate gasps he's making are obvious indicators.

"Focus on me, okay? Follow my lead. In one --" Donnie makes an exaggerated inhale, posture arching. "-- out two." His exhale is loud and exaggerated, his stature relaxes.

Mikey tries to repeat him. His breathing is sporadic, he feels like he's failing him at the most simplistic of things--!

"Hey, hey, focus on me, right? Just focus on my voice, on my breathing. In for one, out for two."

Mikey follows his lead, eyes locked onto Donnie's.

"There we go. In for one, out for two. In for two, out for four. In for four, out for six..."

Donnie and Mikey do the breathing exercises until Mikey's lungs find a rhythm. He calms, hiccups and suck-ups following suit, but they slow soon enough. Donnie manages a tiny smile, an attempt to comfort. He pats the ground around Mikey's knees.

"Mikey, can you tell me what you're sitting on?"

Mikey looks down.

"G-grass...?"

"What do you smell?"

"Fl-flow-wers...? M-m-m-mud. W-water, s-sea water...! R-Raph..."

He hears Leo chuckle.

"Name three things you can see."

Mikey glances around.

"M-Mikey sees you... sees brothers... um, sees trees? And stream... is, is that three?"

"Yes, that's three. You're doing great. Now, can you tell me how we got here?"

"W-walked here. Mikey ran, f-fell in a pit..." he starts crying again. "I-I couldn't get out, I couldn't do the --"

"It's okay, stay present with me," Donnie soothes, rubbing his thumbs over Michelangelo's hands. "Just stay focused on the present moment."

Mikey sighs, tries breathing again. Stay present. Stay focused. Okay...

Donnie talks to him, asking simple and easy questions, such as 'what do you hear?' and 'what colour is the sky?' and 'can you taste this?' after handing him a honeysuckle. Mikey calms down quickly after that.

The other two sit at a respectable distance, making sure not to overwhelm him. After some time, and Donnie's calming techniques, Leo crawls towards them.

"You okay?" he asks cautiously, reaching out to hold Mikey's hand.

Mikey nods and hums a 'yes'.

'Sorry,' he signs. 'Got really scared.'

'That's okay,' Leo signs back. 'We didn't mean to freak you out. Just wanted to talk about it.'

"Can we still talk about it?" Raph asks gently, looking Mikey over. "I mean, if you're okay with that."

Mikey nods, crawling into Donnie's lap for comfort.

"Mikey ready..."

"Okay then," Donnie sighs. "Mikey, we need you to be honest with us so we can be sure to take proper care of you. How much do you actually remember?"

"Mmmm... not a lot," he whimpers. "Mikey remembers a few things... small things. L-Like random moments."

"That would be the brain sauce Draxum made doin' its thing," Raph nods.

"But other than that..?" Leo asks.

"But… o-other than that... Mikey can't remember anything before the labs," he shamefully admits.

"Mikey, why didn't you tell us?" Donnie questions.

"Scared to," he whines. "Didn't want to admit it, didn't want to disappoint you... Y-you all love Mikey so much, and I don't... I don't know why... I don't know who Mikey is, and I just... I wanted you to... be happy. I wanted to be Mikey for you."

Mikey feels Donnie wrap his arms around him and press his face against his head. He's shaking. Leo scoots in and hugs the two of them together. Raph joins in last, his arms just barely long enough to engulf them all.

"Miguel... we want to help you get better, we want to help you remember everything --" Leo states.

"B-but what if I c-can't?" Mikey sobs.

"Then we'll love you regardless. If you never remember us, or yourself... then that's okay. I mean, it'll suck, I won't lie. But it won't be like we've lost you. You're still here, you're just figuring out who you are again. And we'll help you."

"But I-I didn't want you to know!" Mikey wails. "I didn't want to tell you that I wasn't Mikey anymore! I wanted you to love me, I wanted to-- to-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Donnie pulls him tighter.

"Mikey... I do love you. Whether you remember me or not. Whether you remember yourself or not. I will always love you."

Mikey sobs and clutches the others his brothers tightly.

"Mikey... there's something we need to tell you, too," Leo sighs. "Something we probably should have told you earlier."

Mikey looks up at him anxiously.

"It's about your DNA."

Mikey nods slowly, prompting him to go on.

"Well... when we got you home and Donnie did the scan, we found out what you were mutated with. It was... a lot."

"Specifically it was jaguar, basilisk lizard, boa constrictor, baboon, mandrill, and proboscis monkey," Donnie interjects.

"Thank you, Brainiac Unlimited™ for that one."

Mikey nods again, seemingly unfazed for the most part. Leo wonders if he's still processing it all, or knew the information beforehand, or... maybe just doesn't care? He mentioned doing lots of tests at the labs, so he probably already figured he had multiple creatures' genetics inside of him now.

"Well, Donnie left out one crucial piece of info..." Leo mentions.

"Leo, I still don't think it's a good idea," Raph murmurs.

"We want him to be honest with us, we need to be honest with him. He has to know."

"Know what?" Mikey asks curiously.

"Leo is referring to how your DNA was primarily mutated with Krang," Donnie blurts before Raph can intervene.

The four are silent as Mikey processes.

"...So?"

"The Krang still don't mean anything to you?" Raph asks. "Not ringing any bells?"

Mikey thinks.

"You said something about Krang at the junkyard," he recalls. "And Casey mentioned them a little. The lab people talked about them, too. But I don't really know what they are..."

"They're aliens," Leo explains. "They're very dangerous aliens. They tried to invade Earth several months ago, but we fought them."

Mikey's eyes widen.

"Am... am I an alien?"

"Part alien," Donnie clarifies. "But we still consider you 100% Mikey."

"Dangerous aliens... you fought them... I-I remembered Leo said --"

Mikey pauses, eyes bulging and breath quickening as the realization hits him like a train.

"Prison Dimension. Did... was that because of the Krang? Of me??"

"No!" Leo says, unintentionally shouting as he grabs Mikey by the arm. "No, no! That was not you! You didn't do that, the Krang... the Krang didn't even do that, actually, it was --"

Leo sighs.

"...It was my choice. The Prison Dimension was made to hold the Krang inside, but they got free because of me. My stupid ego and my dumb mistakes. A-and... the only way to... I had to do something, and there wasn't any time to think of a better solution, and so... so I...."

"You portaled yourself and the Krang into the Prison Dimension and had Casey trap you both inside," Raph finishes.

"Yeah," Leo says, swallowing as he shakes. "That."

Mikey stares at Leo, eyes popping out of his head. He'd mentioned the Prison Dimension, he'd shows his aversion to it, and Mikey had even remembered scenes where he and his family dealt with the aftermath of it all. But... he didn't expect this. He didn't expect it to be because of monsters.

"...How did Leo get out?"

"You did that, actually," Leo chuckles. "With your ninpo."

"Mikey did that?" he echoes, looking around for someone to deny it. "With the ninpo?"

"Yep. Your mystic powers were growing, and Casey told us that you became the most powerful master of magic in the future! You didn't let that tidbit go, and you kept trying to make magic portals the whole time we fought, even though our mystic abilities were nullified by... the...Krang..."

Leo's voice trails off. The four exchange glances.

"The Krang had some kind of supersonic screech that deactivated our ninpo. Could it be that..."

"Is that why I can't do the ninpo anymore?" Mikey asks. "Because I'm... Krang?"

"I-I don't know, but it's a theory," Donnie suggests. "We'll talk to Draxum and Papa about it. We'll figure it out."

Mikey pauses, looking down at his hands. his claws.

"The Krang are evil... right?"

They don't answer, but their silence speaks volumes. Mikey looks up at them, trying to meet their eyes.

"Do... do you hate me because I'm Krang now?"

This is why I said it was a bad idea to tell him.

He deserves to know! And it might be tough, but --

"You dum-dums do know you're not talking and it's making Michael uncomfortable, right?" Donnie scolds, cradling Mikey a little closer.

"Oh!" Leo snaps back. "No! No, Mikey, no, of course not! Look, we were kind of nervous about the Krang DNA, but only because we weren't sure how you'd deal with the news."

"And I was concerned about the ramifications of modifying mutant DNA with alien genetics, but yes. Emotional stability was in question," Donnie adds.

"But you are not a monster just because you have alien DNA now. You're still our Michelangelo, and we still love you."

"...You love me now...."

Mikey remembered the conversation he and Leo had the other day, and how Leo had said he'd love him if you were a worm, or a regular turtle, and if he were a monster. Leo finished his little declaration by saying 'I love you now', and Mikey had found the wording strange. Not anymore, now he understood what Leo meant. He's a monster now.

And Leo loves him now, just as always.

Mikey cannot understand this. But he accepts it for the moment, resting his head against his brothers and just… stays here. Trying to understand why they don't hate him, why they keep trying to convince him he's not a monster when the evidence is starting to stack up against him.

But Mikey just accepts it. He'll understand it later.

.

.

.

The scientists have been very interested in Mikey's control of the human covered in pink parasites. They've been doing a lot of tests and examinations.

He's not required to move or do anything. He sits and lets them do what they want. They look him over, poke and prod him, lift his scales and scutes and quills. A doctor shines a light in his eyes, giving Mikey a headache. Another pricks him with a needle and syringe. They take his blood again. They take a skin sample again. They take a saliva sample again. They do everything three times over, again and again and again.

Mikey feels numb.

His mind wanders, helping him escape this room and find some semblance of serenity as he waits for these tests and exams to be done. He's so bored and tired. But compared to everything else they make him do here, this isn't so bad.

Mikey's attention comes back to him when he hears someone talking loudly by him. He flinches, thinking that he's being scolded or ordered to do something, but no. It's just Dr. Timothy getting enthusiastic over his mutations.

"I just can't believe it! The creature can control the zombies!"

"This is unprecedented. And I'm quite surprised, I've never seen Dr. Chaplin so intrigued and... dare I say?" Dr. Finn pauses. "Excited."

"This little abomination could hold the key to ending the Krang infections once and for all!" Dr. Timothy celebrates.

"But why stop there?" A third voice adds.

Mikey flinches again and cowers softly as Dr. Chaplin walks in and joins the conversation.

"This little mutant monster shows a higher success rate than any creature the TCRI has ever cooked up before. And it takes orders so well," he says with a sickening smile.

Dr. Chaplin reaches down and grabs Mikey's face, squeezing his thin cheeks and tilting his head to get a better look at him.

"Despite its age and emaciated figure, the little beastie has unprecedented strength and fighting ability. Just what we've been looking for. I do think our tests are nearly complete."

"Complete, sir?" Dr. Finn asks, raising an eyebrow.

"He's shown excellence in everything thus far. Problem-solving, keen instincts, agility… I think it's time we move onto the next phase of our studies. The A.L.P.H.A. device is ready for testing, put him in the Interaction Room when you're done. Depending on how it goes, we may be able to move on to..."

Mikey zones out again. He's tired of this. He doesn't like being handled or tested or talked about like he's an 'it'. He's a Mikey! Whatever that is…

Mikey feels heaviness around his throat, followed by a yank. The collar and lead were placed on his neck while he wasn't paying attention. He's dragged back to the Interaction room for the test with this strange new 'A.L.P.H.A. Device'...

.

.

.

Mikey can't sleep. He keeps thinking about what happened earlier that day.

He can't shake the feeling that... something is wrong. He's missing something. His brothers love him, despite knowing that he doesn't remember them. They support him, despite knowing that he may never fully be Mikey again. But... why does he feel so distant? Why is he still so scared to be around them, but so much more scared to be without them?

In the labs, he never knew why he wanted his brothers. He never even knew they were brothers, they were more so figments of imagination, a distant mirage that he could almost touch. They were shadows. And now they're real.

So why can't he accept them? Why can't he accept that he's one of them?

Because you're a monster. KRANG, Instinct whispers. You are a KRANG. It is what I am, what YOU are. What WE have become.

...Are Krang monsters?

To the weak, yes. The weak always view the strong as monsters.

So Mikey really is a monster?

Did you doubt this? Instinct questions.

Mikey hoped...

HOPE IS A FOOL'S WEAPON, Instinct scolds. YOU CANNOT SURVIVE ON HOPE. ONLY STRENGTH AND FORCE. THE KRANG ARE STRONG. THE KRANG SURVIVE. YOU WILL DO AS I SAY AND YOU WILL LIVE.

Even if it makes Mikey a monster?

Does it matter?

Mikey doesn't know anymore... h-he wants to believe it does, he wants to believe he's not what Instinct says he is, he wants to believe that he is their Mikey!

Even if you were once "their Mikey", it hardly matters now. You are simply an amalgamation creature made to serve a purpose. The humans created you to be a monster. Too bad they couldn’t remove the ALL THE MIKEY FROM YOU.

Mikey throws the pillow over his face and screams into it. Stop talking, Instinct!

You know it is true. And your "brothers" confirmed it for you. Even THEY KNEW you were a monster. Why do you continue to fight this truth?

"Because I'm not a monster!" Mikey whisper-shouts, sitting upright and flinging the pillow into the wall. "I'm not! They said I'm not!"

You DO know what a lie is, don't you?

"But... but Mikey trusts Leo--"

Why? Haven't you learned by now? I thought you would have known better. The labs taught you nothing.

"Shut up!" Mikey shouts.

Weak, pathetic, useless, coward --

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Mikey screams, hot and angry tears running down his face.

Mikey tears his bed apart, shredding the blanket and ripping the extra pillows to pieces. He growls loudly, looking for something else to attack in lue of Instinct. He punches the mattress, his tail whips the wall and gashes the wallpaper, he grabs one of the lamps on the nightstand table and chucks it, pieces shattering and the lampshade flying off from the impact. In the flickering light from the dying lamp, Mikey sees something move in the corner. He runs and confronts it --

It's his own reflection in the mirror. Teeth snarled and fangs elongated, his claws extended, his quills raised and his tail spiked. His eyes burn brightly and the irises are nothing more than thin blood-red slits.

Mikey jerks back suddenly, terrified of his own image. His pupils and irises return to normal slowly…

You see? Nothing more than a monster. Accept it.

Mikey screams in anger and punches the mirror as hard as he can. The glass shatters instantly and his knuckles bleed.

The door swings open and nearly smacks into Mikey's back.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!" Raph asks in a panic, scanning the trashed room before he sees Mikey, shying away with embarrassment.

Raph calms, then panics again when he sees the blood and glass.

"Sorry," Mikey squeaks. "I got... I was mad, I..."

"Leo and I heard yelling and thought --"

"It was just me, sorry. I didn't realise I was being so loud... Instinct was making me mad."

"The voice in your head?" Raph clarifies.

Mikey nods.

"Humph. Well, I don't like this voice bullying my little brother. Come on, Mikey, let's get you cleaned up."

Raph hoists Mikey up and carries him to the bathroom. Mikey perches atop his shoulders again, tail wrapping around and hanging lazily over his shell.

"So, what was Instinct saying?" Raph asks.

"Um... just the usual stuff."

"Which is?"

Mikey's fingers curl nervously.

"Just... stuff about... fitting in, I guess."

Raph places a hand on Mikey's head and rubs circles onto his skin.

"I'm sorry about that..." he sighs. "I'm sorry about a lot of things..."h

Inside the bathroom, Raph sets Mikey down on the toilet seat and grabs the supplies he needs -- disinfectant, bandages, some swabs, cream, etc. Mikey holds his paw out for Raph to inspect.

Mikey is actually surprised by the gentleness of his big brother. Raphael's huge, strong hands are slow, soft, delicate; carefully pulling any remnants of glass out with a pair of fine tweezers. Mikey winces initially, but stays still otherwise. This is starting to remind him of the labs... he zones out as Raph tends to his cuts.

"...Mikey? Mikey," he hears.

Mikey blinks back to reality. His hand is bandaged.

"Oh, hi Raph," he murmurs. "Thanks."

"No problem, that's what big brothers do. Now, can you tell me why you punched the mirror?"

"I was trying to punch Instinct..."

"So, because you couldn't punch a voice in your head, you punched a reflection of yourself?" Raph surmises. "Makes sense."

"I know it sounds stupid..."

"Not really," Raph shrugs. "I used to do the same thing."

Mikey looks up and slowly recalls moments from his childhood where Raph would get so frustrated that he'd obliterate things with a single punch. Walking into bathrooms where the mirror had been cracked and taped over in a feeble attempt to fix it or cover it up.

"...Really?"

"Oh yeah," Raph says with a nod as he leans against the wall. "Raph had a hard time not listening to intrusive thoughts, and they make him really angry. I used to get so mad after Savage Raph would attack you guys. Do you remember Savage Raph?"

Mikey does, actually. Flickering images of his biggest brother growling, his eyes whited over and his teeth bared. Barbecuing villains in a sewer tunnel, attacking his brothers, calling them 'sewer monsters'.

"...Yes, Mikey -- I remember." Mikey looks up hopefully at him. "How did you stop it?"

"I can't say I've stopped it," Raph admits. "I still have moments when I almost lose control, times when my thoughts start to turn against me. But I've learned how to fight against those thoughts, take them captive before they take me captive."

"Why can't I do that?" Mikey asks.

"You can, though!" Raph assures him brightly. "Mikey, you're the one who taught me how to do that!"

"Mikey did that?"

"Yeah, bud!"

"But... I can't remember, I don't know..." Mikey pauses to think, before looking up hopefully at Raph. "Will you teach me again?"

Raphael smiles and cups Mikey's cheek.

"Absolutely. That's what brothers do."

He's not your brother anymore.

"Shut up!" Mikey growls, squeezing his eyes closed, and pressing his knuckles against his temples.

He feels Raph lift his face up. He gently opens his eyes and looks at Raph's concerned expression.

"What did Instinct say?"

"...That we're not brothers..."

"Well, that's 100% a lie," Raph says. "So just tell him that."

"But he'll fight back --"

"Then you fight back, too!" Raph encourages. "Say it out loud. Tell him he's wrong."

Mikey swallows and feels a little embarrassed, but he follows.

"Y-you're wrong."

No.

"Now tell him he's a liar."

Mikey fidgets.

"You're a liar."

What are you -- why are you listening to him? He doesn't know what he's talking about --

"Tell him you won't listen to him anymore."

I'M THE ONE WHO KEPT YOU ALIVE!

"But Instinct --"

"No, Mikey. You can't listen to him anymore. He's not helping you, he's not doing anything for you. He only wants to confuse you and hurt you. So what do we do with things that lie and hurt?"

"...We get rid of them?"

"Exactly. So tell him he's not welcome anymore."

NO!

"You're not welcome anymore, Instinct."

DO YOU REALIZE HOW STUPID YOU SOUND?! DO YOU KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS --

"And every time he tries to talk again, every time he tries to lie or make you feel bad, you ignore him. Confront him. He only tells you lies, so you can always defeat him."

Mikey nods, determination bubbling up inside of him.

"Instinct isn't welcome," he annouces.

Stop this.

"Louder!" Raph encourages.

You fool --

"Instinct isn't welcome!"

YOU CAN'T --

"Even louder, buddy!" Raph shouts.

YOU WRETCHED LITTLE --

"INSTINCT IS NOT WELCOME! MIKEY IS NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO INSTINCT ANYMORE!!"

It's quiet.

"...I... I think I did it," Mikey heaves. "I think I... I think he's gone! I can't hear him!"

Raph cheers with Mikey, and pulls him into a bear hug.

"I knew you could do it! And if he ever tries to weasel his way back in, just tell him off and tell him what for! And remember, he'll only tell you lies to make you feel bad. But they are NEVER true. And you can use that against him."

Mikey squeezes Raph around the neck as he laughs. He feels... free. A strange kind of freedom, one he hasn't felt even after leaving the labs.

It feels good.

"So... now what?" Mikey asks.

"Now we go to bed," Raph yawns, prompting another laugh from Michelangelo. "Though, your room is kinda trashed now, so you probably shouldn't sleep in there..."

"Turtle pile?" Mikey suggests, going into puppy-eyes mode.

"Absolutely," Raph nods, hoisting Mikey back onto his shoulders and taking him out and into their brothers' bedrooms to get them all together again.

Prev || Next

[jinxed-sinner]

A detail I haven't seen anyone mention about When I See Him is that Stolas starts having what comes off like a panic attack after he realizes his meds ran out. There's a specific reason this is notable to me; most antidepressants are SSRIs and also used for anxiety. For example I'm prescribed sertraline, an SSRI, for anxiety.

Now obviously Stolas likely hadn't been out of his meds long enough for that to be the reason for him to go into a panic attack and it was more likely the realization that he was out of his meds that caused him to panic. It's still possible, depending on what he's taking, for him to have been off his meds long enough for that to cause a panic attack started or made worse by realizing he was out of his meds (especially by musical logic), but regardless I'm still surprised I haven't seen anyone mention that Stolas didn't start panicking until both he and the audience knew he was out of his meds.

[flavored-soda]

crawling back to you, if that's what i must do

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Mentions of death, injuries, blood, all that nasty stuff, panic attacks and anxiety

Word Count: 1.4k

Pairing: BuckTommy/Tevan/Kinley

Summary: Tommy's helicopter goes down and he is officially MIA for all of 17 hours. Buck panics until his lover is returned to him.

read on ao3 | heed the warnings and tags | posted for @bucktommyweek

“Mayday! Mayd–”

Pop.

“This is Firefighter Kinard.”

Hiss.

Crackle.

“Coming from…”

Pop.

“Crash-landing somewhere near…”

Crackle.

Hiss.

“RA units…ASAP.”

The line went dead. Static on the other end. 

“Firefighter Kinard.”

More static.

“Kinard, do you read me?”

There was a click and then the line cut off with a shriek.

Firefighter Thomas Kinard was officially M.I.A.

---

17 hours. 

That’s how long it took to locate Tommy’s chopper and send help. 

17 hours.

For nine of those hours, Buck was on shift, responding to calls and fighting fires, with his phone off and mostly away from him. He wasn’t even made aware of the situation until they got back from a call. The next shift was already there and clocked in, as the call ran over the end of the shift. They had all unloaded from the engine and ambulance, loading into the locker rooms to hit the showers and change.

Buck was talking with Eddie when Bobby came in and asked him to meet him in his office. At first he shrugged it off, thinking it was just something simple, something small about the shift like paperwork, but as he was making the short walk from the locker rooms, he started to spiral. It wasn’t until he was in the office with Bobby telling him to close the door that he really started to worry.

He had checked his phone after he got out of the shower, noticed a few missed calls from an unknown number. It wrote it off as spam, but as he heard the door click as it shut he started to think differently.

“So–uh–what’s up, Cap?” He asked. 

“Buck, sit down.” 

Bobby was sitting himself as he motioned to the chair across the desk. Slowly and reluctantly, he moved towards the chair.

“O-okay.” He mumbled as he sat down, rubbing his hands on his thighs.

Bobby paused for a second, looking down at his desk before folding his hands and looking back up to Buck. 

“I got a call when we got back from the station.” He said.

“Um…okay? I’m not–I’m not really sure what that has to do with me.” 

His hands went back to rubbing up and down his thighs, his leg bouncing. What was so important about this call? And why did Bobby feel the need to talk to him about it?

“It was from Harbour.”

Buck’s face fell. His movements stopped.

“Buck, Tommy is missing.”

There was a pause between the two of them. Bobby letting Buck process, and Buck trying to get his brain to stop moving at a mile a minute.

Buck spoke first, “How long?” 

“Since 11:00 last night.”

“He’s been missing for nine hours?” He replied.

“Buck–”

“Nine hours?! And no one said anything to me?!” He was standing now, starting to pace as his voice raised in volume. 

“We were on shift. You didn’t have your phone–”

“I–I know that we haven’t been…together long, but…” He trailed off. “Nine hours?”

“They tried calling your cell when we were on call. Dispatch told them we were out and they called me when we radioed that we were back at the station.” 

Buck sighed, he was holding back tears. He sniffled before wiping his eyes.

“Do they–do they know anything? Are they…uh…close to finding him?” 

He was looking away from Bobby, watching the ceiling and trying to focus on anything other than the man in front of him. He knew if looked towards Bobby he would see that pitiful look on his face, one full of worry and sadness. He couldn’t handle that look right now. He just couldn’t. It would just open up the floodgates and he needed to stay put together right now. Needed to focus on Tommy, doing what he could to help.

Bobby had moved from behind the desk, walking towards Buck, slowly. He continued to stare at the ceiling, keeping his eyes off of his Captain, until he felt Bobby’s hand on his shoulder.

“Buck.”

He shook his head.

“Buck, look at me.” 

He brought his eyes down to meet Bobby, eyes welling with tears and biting his lip. He watched Bobby shake his head before he let himself break down.

---

It was at hour fifteen that Buck really started to lose it. They had found Tommy and were going to get him now. Buck’s mind was racing of all the possibilities of what they would be walking into and what they would be bringing back. Every horrible call that he’s ever been on was coming back to him in waves, all the bad car wrecks and just how much damage they could do to a person. He couldn’t imagine what a helicopter crash could do.

Well, actually, he could imagine it.

He was imagining it.

And it was doing nothing to ease the panic he was currently feeling. His leg started to bounce more and he let his head fall as he tried to catch his breath. He felt a hand on his back as it started to rub circles into it.

“It’s gonna be okay, Buck-a-roo.” Athena mumbled as she pulled him in for a side hug. 

He started crying again, silently letting the tears fall as he waited by his phone. He was waiting for a call from Bobby or Harbour or a hospital, really anyone that would have any information for where Tommy was and how he was doing.

He sat there, shaking and silently crying for the last two hours. Athena rubbing circles into his back and offering reassuring words. Hen had come over at one point, offering the same comfort, but she had to go home eventually. Chimney and Maddie were blowing up his phone with texts and when Buck didn’t respond they called Athena and Bobby to check on him. He overheard the conversations but he didn’t ask to speak with them, too much on his mind to try to get his mouth to form words.

It was 4:30 PM when his phone rang. It shook him out of his state. He snatched his phone off the table and answered it before it could get to a third ring.

“Hello?”

Athena offered to drive him, probably breaking too many traffic laws to count on one hand with Buck egging her on. He was grabbing the back of the driver and passenger’s seats, leaning forward and watching the road as Athena raced there. He would have started shouting our directions and orders if he wasn’t so focused on staying positive.

They told him that Tommy was alive. 

Not only alive, but responsive.

And that’s all Buck could’ve asked for, all he needed. 

Buck was out of the car and bursting through the hospital doors before Athena could stop the car. He didn’t wait up as he marched to the front desk. 

“I’m here to see Tommy Kinard.” 

His feet started moving before he even fully processed the room number he was given. He could hear footsteps following behind him, presumably Bobby and Athena. He grabbed the doorway as he entered the room to stabilize himself, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when he saw his lover sitting up in the bed and alert.

“Evan?” 

Buck nearly jumped his boyfriend at that, the only thing stopping him was seeing the state he was in. Tommy had one arm in a cast and a sling. His foot was in a cast and it was elevated on some pillows. His lip was cut deep enough to probably leave a nasty scar and he carried a matching cut on his forehead through his temple. From the once over, Buck assumed that it looked worse than it actually was. There were a lot of bandages and bruises, but Tommy was alert and whatever head trauma he faced didn’t seem bad enough to cause any amnesia. 

Buck’s eyes welled with tears again, as he moved into the room. He reached out and grabbed his boyfriend’s face in between his hands and pulled him in for a soft kiss, resting their foreheads together when they pulled away.

“Thomas Kinard, don’t you ever do that to me again.” He let out in a half laugh, half hidden sob.

Tommy let out a breath of a laugh back before pressing a peck to Buck’s lips.

“You got it, baby.”

Yeah, everything was going to be alright.

[thehyperfixationcorner]

Had a major and painful panic attack last night. Idk why. Just feel like shit, tight muscles and depression.

[call-me-chips]

Long vent warning 🙃

So if you came here for my typical carefree content, don't feel forced to read this at all :)

Ik I won't care if you do or don't, but I just need to get this to someone

I see a lot of people talking about having no friends and having bad friends, and both are really bad and I'm not trying to put down anyone's experiences, but I feel like there's a different kind of hurt when your friends just don't like you. Like, they're good people, but they just don't like you.

Like, I have this one friend where, he's the closest thing I have to a best friend (aka, we see each other once a week and seem to enjoy each other's company), but I really don't think he likes me

He always has an excuse for not hanging out. Always. My sibling and I wanted to go to a comic con and invited him and his girlfriend. He mentioned a few weeks before that he might not be able to go because he might have to babysit a child or something. Closer to the con, he said that he, infact, wouldn't have to watch the child, which we were happy about, but then immediately he said that he "wasn't allowed" to go to this con. The reason he gave was "My dad thinks comic cons are cults." Even though he's been to several cons, one of which was in the US (I'm Canadian).

And just yesterday a group I was going to had a Halloween night, and he promised he would go. We all made plans to be there, but the night of, I texted him and asked him if he was coming, to which he responded with "I'm not allowed", even though he's at the age where that shouldn't matter at all

I asked him why, and he never got back.

Everything I want to do, everything we try to plan, he's got a reason to not go.

He says he likes me and likes hanging out with me, but I don't believe it. Every excuse he uses is bullshit.

And it really sucks because I truly thought he'd be a friend that sticks around. Every friend I've ever had has left the moment I got too close.

And it's not like I can easily make friends, as I've never gone to school and I'm not in college

My parents keep scolding me about how I have no friends and that "God designed people to need other people" and that I "can't live life alone", but I don't know how the fuck they just expect me to summon new ones.

I've exhausted all groups I'm in of potential friends. And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I've been rejected dozens of times

But I know I'm just about ready to stop reaching out to the friend I was talking about earlier. I'll just stop asking if he wants to do anything and see if he initiates anything. When he doesn't, at least I'll know for sure that he doesn't really like me xD

Sorry if you've made it this far btw. Ik no one really wants to listen to a stranger talk about how terrible their life is

Slightly different topic, but I really feel like I can't ever open up to anyone (which is why I rant to strangers on the internet). Literally everyone I've opened up to has either left me or betrayed me with it

I shared my struggles with a licensed therapist, and she made me feel like my feelings were nothing. She told me it was a phase and refused to hear any more

I shared one of my phobias in a trusted friend group chat, and one of the dudes sent me a gif of it, have me the worst panic attack I've ever had, and then he called me sensitive when I complained about what he did (I was crying non stop for 30 mins, couldn't calm down completely for the next couple days, and got triggered my a simple household item that has NEVER triggered me before. I mean like, I saw this simple thing, froze in place, started hyperventilating, and nearly had another panic attack)

And there are a few other examples, but the worst one is when I opened up to my best friend at the time. I opened up, shared my story, cried in front of her. She left me the following week. She suddenly started talking to her other friend more and I could barely get a moment alone with her anymore. We barely talk now

I'm just tired of people. Tired of trying. Idek what I'm supposed to do at this point. I only rant to strangers cuz it's a lot less painful if someone online unfollows you than if a friend leaves you

Anyway I think that's enough for right now, I got pretty carried away 😅

If you read all this, here's a cookie :3 🍪

[silvrash-797]

Thanks to @webhead3345 for the idea!

Echoes of the past (pt 1)

Febuwhump Day 4+7: Obedience/suffering in silence

Part 2

Read on ao3

The newly dubbed Legend sat at the edge of the camp, watching anyone with a knight’s title or wearing armor or chainmail warily. Warriors, Time, Wild, Sky, Twilight…over half the group, he couldn’t bring himself to trust them. Sure, the knights of his time weren’t actively chasing him anymore, but nothing could change the fact that they had, and now the sound of chainmail triggered about a dozen fight or flight responses.

Speaking of…Legend flinched as the Hero of Warriors approached, shoving the memories of rattling chainmail, gleaming weapons, I’m just a kid I didn’t do anything wrong I swear to the side.

“You okay, Legend?” Warriors asked, face apparently full of concern, though why a knight would be concerned for him he couldn’t fathom.

“Fine,” he muttered, trying not to curl into himself. Make yourself small, hide, they’ll go away pounded through his head, but he was the Hero of Legend, the Veteran of the hero business (an average nobody, his little rabbit-heart whispered traitorously). He’d been at this for nearly a decade so why is this still an issue? Stand up straight, face your fears, they’re heroes just like you. Don’t let them know you’re suffering, you’ll never hear the end of it.

The knight touched his shoulder and Legend jerked back violently, subduing a hiss at the last moment.

Warriors froze, hand half extended. “Vet, are you sure you’re okay –”

“I said I’m fine, Captain,” Legend sneered, putting as much acid in his voice as he could manage. “I just don’t like being touched, okay?”

Warriors withdrew his hands, raising them placatingly. “Okay, Vet. I understand,” he gave a charming smile. “I’m just trying to help us all come together better so we can take on whatever called us here.”

Warriors tilted his head, eyes suddenly filled with some emotion Legend couldn’t be bothered to place. “You’d…tell us, if something was wrong, right?”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. Just leave me alone, okay?”

The Captain's eyes narrowed – was that sincere worry? – and he frowned a bit, but relented, turning and leaving Legend with his knight-free safety bubble at last.

-----

A few weeks later, Legend was sleeping peacefully when someone roughly shook his shoulder. He groaned, slitting his eyes just a bit to see who was bothering him in the middle of the night, it’s not even his night for watch, so why…

Firelight glinted off a metal pauldron; Legend's heart nearly stopped with fright.

The figure shook him again. “Vet, come on, we need to go!” The Captain’s voice was urgent but collected.

Legend shoved Warriors’ hand from his shoulder, groaning again as he sat up. “Captain, it is the middle of the goddess-forsaken night,” he snapped, “What in Din's name is so urgent it can’t wait for morning?!”

“Twilight just returned from patrol with Wolfie. They found a horde of infected monsters, moving this way fast. We’re splitting up camp to catch them in a pincer movement.”

Legend grumbled, but started gearing up. “Who's in which group?”

“I have the most experience with hordes like this, so I’ll be taking a small group to deal the worst of the damage to the monsters,” Wars explained. “You have the most versatile arsenal while Sky's our best swordsman, so you two will be with me. Time and Twilight will help coordinate the others.”

Legend froze in the act of adjusting his belt, blood rushing from his head and fingers turning numb. Me. Alone with knights that I still don’t trust. Against a horde of infected monsters? The mere thought filled him with such panic he was afraid he’d faint.

Legend forced himself to move again, attempting to wrangle his nerves into submission, pushing past the knot in his throat to plead for a different arrangement. “Rulie has just as much versatility with his magic as I do with my items – why don’t I go with the others and you take him instead?”

The only knight in the other group was Wild, and he didn’t remember much about it. He could work past his fear of Time's armor and Twilight’s chainmail if it meant fewer trained knights to keep an eye on.

Warriors shook his head, and Legend’s hope fell. “He needs to stay with the others in case one of them gets hurt. They don’t have as much experience with large groups of monsters as we do; it has to be the three of us.”

Warriors stood, and the percussive rattling of his armor set Legend’s nerves on fire. “Let’s go,” he was using his Captain voice, the one that brooked no argument and all but demanded total obedience.

Legend hated that voice.

Resigned to his fate, Legend shoved his fears into a box deep in the confines of his mind before following Warriors and Sky into battle.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Do you have any tips for writing panic in first person? I'm stuck right now on a necessary scene where the pov character wakes up in a tight enclosed space which they weren't in before falling asleep

Writing Panic in First-Person

Remember to think about sensory details: what does this character see? What do they hear? What do they smell? What do they taste (if anything)? What do they feel?

Also, remember to consider emotional details. What emotions do they experience that cause this panic? What internal and external cues do they experience in relation to those emotions and the panic?

Finally, remember to touch on what's going on in their mind. What are they thinking when they first wake up? What do they think when they realize where they are? Consider how the specific situation (whether or not they remember/know how they got there, who they think/know put them there, their faith in themselves or others to get them out)--as well as their personality and experience--informs how they respond to not just the panic and other emotions, but what's going through their minds.

I hope that helps!

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I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[sweetsweetperil]

The fear in my bones, rattles and shakes

My muscles spasm at a hundred milliseconds, a pace

From which I tremble and cower,

From which I fear I cannot be saved,

May blessed be, the body that panic takes

[cybergrapeuk]

So recently my brain decided to have an autistic obsession with Peppino from Pizza Tower and I want to write headcannons now.

A small one for starters: ~~~~~~

Peppino looks out for his customers with anxiety and trauma (just about any mental condition, really).

If he finds someone having a panic attack, meltdown or anything else similar, he will one hundred a percent-io find a quiet place outside the pizzaria and comfort you.

Listen to your problems, let you cry it out, bring you pizza (only if you'll pay lol).

His entire mind is anxiety so he'll know how you feel and hate seeing you in pain too.

Underneath that tough exterior is someone who cares at the end of the day.

He's there for you.

[kiwibirbkat]

Julieta: How are your days going my darlings?

Isabella: I'm going great!

Luisa: All good here too.

Mirabel: Isa had a panic attack because Abuela looked at her weirdly and Luisa broke down crying because a donkey brayed at her from outside of the fence she just rebuilt.

Mirabel: Other than that, I've had an amazing day.

[polyhexianbirb]

OK so I know nothing about like Greek mythology but I am going to start shitposting it bc I read Yrials of Apollo and watched the PJO series and I've decided I like it but I cannot be stuffed to do research

ANYWAYS I think that all 5 siblings who were in Kronos's stomach have some form of claustrophobia.

For Hestia I think it'd be that she has to be in a somewhat open space. Like it can eb filled with people but as long as there is a light source shes okay. She cannot stand the not seeing.

For Hera it calmed down over time. It's only the being locked inside thing that she cannot stand. If she can leave, she is okay but she refuses to be locked inside.

Demeter I feel like cannot be in any small dark room. Bad things happen when she's locked in the dark. She has it the worst.

Hades I feel like because he's underground wouldn't mind the darkness or the enclosed spaces. For him I think that it's the touching he doesn't like. He panics when there are bodies squished against him, suffocating him and he can't breath--

Posiden cannot be locked up, contained in any way shape or form. Not only does the ocean protest at being contained but he feels like he'll burst from anxiety whenever he cannot escape.

[thecouncilofidiots]

Love (/sarcasm) being forced into front to stabilize the body/system so the previous fronter didn't have a panic attack, only to slowly have your own spiral because of the paranoia and visual hallucinations

Doesn't help that we can hear the landlady/landlord upstairs and it's fucking with our sensory threshold and shit -Dyso