#THIS IS CRAZY THIS IS MENTAL THIS ALMOST DOESNT FEEL REAL

[bbbrianjones]

LOOK WHERE I FUCKING AM

[stillfrownyclownlol]

Gonna throw up If I can't talk about them-

Bunch of Aiden analysis under the cut because he's just SO OBSESSED CODED AND NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT 😭 (I will be very weird about it)

The way it's so doomed from the start. He's already so fascinated by her. It's in the little jump he does when she sits in front of him, like a secret they're both in on, like her sitting in front of him is some obscure way of her inviting him into a conversation.

Why is he like this (not positive but not negative either)

He has such a cocktail of personality traits and, most certainly, mental disorders, and his own history that makes it so, when he's in love, that it WILL blow up in his face.

The fact that he's been homeschooled for his entire life- he has no idea. HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW. He doesnt realize that its not normal. of course he doesn't :( His parents obviously leave him alone for long stretches of time and he doesn't seem to mind this. He hasn't had the chance to develop his social skills at all-

It's why he's so, let's be real, creepy. Ash makes it very clear she's not interested and he just keeps worming his way into her life. He plots so that she'll go on the field trip, he follows her around, he goes to her fucking house on the first day. LIKE, HELLO? RED FLAG?

He's having evil thoughts here I swear 💀

And already so quickly after meeting her he makes Ash his priority. He asks to sit next to her, he engages and makes an effort to talk to her. Tries to joke around with her. Gives her a nickname. Touches her. He's so touchy.

And defends her!!! When Tyler gets pissed at Ash, he honestly goes off on him even tho he KNOWS Ash can defend herself- and he's so...dark about it. There's a threat hidden behind his words. He's MAD here, right? Tell me I'm not crazy, please-

He also very clearly has violence on the forefront of his mind 💀 He's the first one to actively attack the phantoms; not to defend himself, not to defend somebody else (well, he pulls Ash out of the way), but for fun. And he's disappointed when they don't scream. He's sadistic, he likes causing pain, it's something he relishes in.

I mean look at how he smiles!!! None of the other kids have such an...active ENJOYMENT in fighting the phantoms, but for Aiden, it's almost like he finds relief in it, some way to vent out his frustrations. He's eager for a fight, for a thrill.

That's how Aiden sustains himself, he pretty much operates under "I'm here for a good time, not a long time." Everything he does gives him a boost of adrenaline, no matter the consequences. He got into a fight? Eh, who cares about all the bruises, at least it got his blood rushing. Broke a bone while doing parkour or smth? Whatever, the way his stomach dropped when he was falling as totally worth it.

It's a very dangerous mentality to live with, obviously. He's an adrenaline junkie. He's an addict. More than anything else, Aiden wants something that makes him feel alive.

And what makes you feel more alive than love?

Like not to minimise or anything but he's known her for like. 2-3 months- and he's already SO scared of losing her. Like I just don't think he would have had this type of reaction with anybody else besides Ben. He would have absolutely lost his shit if Ash 'died'.

He's a straight up love junkie. He's obsessive. Nothing beats the high love can give you. It overrules everything else. If Ash (or whoever he's interested in) feels bad because of smth, he's done with it.

He LIKED dying. He LIKED the adrenaline rush. But he won't do it again. Not because he had some realization that he didn't want to die, that he still wanted to live and do things, but because Ash was upset. Because this, this rush of care from her part, the way she was so scared of him dying that she was shaking, nothing could fill the hole in his heart better than that. And now that he has a taste for it, he won't let go easy. He will keep on living- if it means Ash will be by his side.

Which is a very dangerous position to put her in. Ash already feels responsible for her friends, and she doesn't even know that Aiden has "put" his life in her hands, not that it's her responsibility, because it isn't, but she will certainly feel responsible if Aiden does something FOR her.

Like He's so fucking obsessed and he doesn't even realize it- like look at how he sees her 😭 THE HEAVENLY GLOOOOOOW, LIKE SHES AN ANGEL AND HE THINKS SHE CAN SAVE HIM. BABY SHE CANT, YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF.

He could spiral so fucking bad. He could do some absolutely heinous things. Because he just doesn't know. He doesn't know how to love truly, yet. For him love really is that rush of adrenaline, the knife carving out his heart, he could be putty in her hands, or her executioner. This love that can be so obsessive, that he NEEDS it to function, like its water, like its the air he breathes. Its a compulsion, a fixation, a longing that burrows into your very soul. Ash doesn't even know what she's getting herself into-

Godddddd, it makes me so sick/ pos, it's SO FUCKING INTERESTINGGGGGG. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

I literally cannot function around this drawing 🫠

The. The hand. That way he's grabbing her. He's pulling her back. Towards HIM. like "this is mine. And I'm not sharing." And that little fucking look in his eyes, he just looks SO fucking pleased with himself. And Ash looks so...resigned. they're so doomed-coded, i love them so bad.

I don't know how I was supposed to NOT make a killer au, when he's just...like that around her.

Love is a wonderful thing. But love is also cruel, it is vicious, it is possessive and obsessive, and it will leave carnage in its wake.

Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you. You lose your sense of self. You cannot stop thinking about another human being. -Helen Fisher

[serialkilluh1996]

☠︎︎The Cause☠︎︎

Psychic-Kyle "Gaz" Garrick x Dead-female-reader

When Kyle arrives on scene to investigate your suicide, he finds that he can't, and I mean cannot, drop your case.

Proshippers, Comshippers DNI

Warnings: suicide, gore, guns, angst, contact me if I need to add more.

It wasn't a pretty sight; the bright, flashing police lights, the yellow caution tape. It was pretty overwhelming and took quite a toll on his anxiety.

One could blame him by saying he shouldn't work a job he wasn't mentally equipped for, but only someone deeply desensitized is mentally equipped for the things one saw working on his task force, especially not this time.

For example, the sight of CSI showering you in camera flashes, leaned in close to get a good angle of your blown off head as you slouched in your seat.

It was bloody, messy, splattered across the enclosure of your vehicle, your brain scattered across the place. It wasn't for the weak stomached.

He winced as he watched them pull you out of the car, laying you on the stretcher. Your head gushed and oozed with the movement, leaking across the scene, your hand shriveled, tight around the gun you used to end your life. Even in death, you held it tight, your fingers locked tightly around the trigger.

"Gaz," Price snaps the man out of his trance. "You're doing it again." Gaz sighs at the Captain's words, knowing he was right. He had a bad habit of zoning out at scenes like this, but he did try his best to stay focused.

"You're one of my best men, Gaz. I need ta know you can handle this mission without havin' another episode." "Of course, I can. I've seen worse." His brows furrow, almost taking offensive. He wouldn't dare back out, but he couldn't tell him the real reason why.

"You've seen better and felt worse." Price counters, putting his hands in his pockets. "I know it looks...awful. But if you can't fulfill the job, I can find someone else to fill in for ya." He snorts, backing up as they passed them with your now covered corpse.

Gaz closes his eyes, his skull tingling at the sight of you hidden beneath the thin white sheet, blood seeping through around your head. Seeing you, what was left of your face, shielded by the blanket sent a certain urge through Gaz. Not a sexual urge or a violent urge. It didn't even feel like a human desire. It was something beyond that. A guilty urge. A soul-haggling requirement to make things right.

He felt numb yet prickly all over, weak in the stomach and full of adrenaline. Then suddenly, it was gone. The second they lifted you into the ambulance, the feeling was snatched away from him. Gaz breathes heavily.

"...I-...I can't drop this mission, Captain... It's meant for me." He expresses, watching the ambulance pull off. He couldn't help but want to follow it, even knowing exactly where the thing was headed. "Whateva ya say, Gaz."

12:03am

Gaz can't seem to get himself to sleep, even knowing how snarky he can get if he doesnt get enough rest. He sits elbows out against his computer desk, constantly rewatching the final video you recorded. He knows it's not healthy, but something about your face drew him in, like a sailor to a siren's song.

There was something about the look on your face as you rambled on and on about God knows what, a melancholy smile making it's way onto his face as he watched you prolong your death. For someone talking to themselves, you were a great conversationalist, ignoring all the stuttering and trailed off sentences.

Can't really expect a girl to be calm and collected while she's trying to kill herself, can you?

To Gaz, it didn't really seem like you wanted to die. It seemed like you needed someone to talk to. He felt bad. Guilty. Something was telling him that if he'd gotten to you sooner, he could've talked you out of it. But even with the guilt, he couldn't move past how absolutely gorgeous you were to him. Just...raw, natural, frantic. No facade.

Gaz had a thing for crazy unpredictable women. His whole life, he's been a calm, level-headed guy and he was raised to remain chill in even the most devastating situations, and to help others in need.

So, seeing girls who were always on the verge of a break down, just a second away from chaos, it made him feel...leveled. he felt like he could help them. He wanted to help them. Badly.

He had an awful "I can fix her" mentality, and anytime he finds himself in a situation that he knows he can solve somehow, he feels bad when he doesn't. And he knows he could've helped you. He just...didn't. There was something much he could've done for you.

Bang! He shudders, watching you commit the final act. He was on his third time watching this video and he jumped every. fucking. time. He just could NOT prepare himself to see you die.

He closes his laptop, leaning down into his hands and rubbing his face. "Damn..." he cursed, sighing. "...why'd you do that?..." he asks in a whisper, almost angry that you didn't get the help you needed.

"... I'm sorry..."

His head lifts immediately, heart instantly palpitating. "Breathe, Kyle, Breathe" He tells himself, resetting his breathing patterns slowly but surely. He turns around to see a girl sitting at the edge of his bed. Not just any girl. You.

Your head was in...better condition. It was still put together of not for the smoke coming from the cracks around your eye, resembling the areas that had blown off.

"Oh, ☆☆☆." He turns out of his chair, pulling you close into his arms. "It's okay, baby, its alright." He cradles you against his chest. "It's okay, ☆☆☆...damn, you shoulda called me, girl....you shoulda called me..." He sniffles, clinging onto you like a little girl holding her broken porcelain doll.

"I forgot your number..."

Your voice was blank, monotone, with only a hint of emotion; shame. "I know, honey, I know...that's my fault. I shoulda kept in contact with you...uh, how much do you remember? Do you know who you are? Who I am?"

"..Kyle.."

"That's...that's right. Kyle. That's good. You're not far gone. What am I to you, ☆☆☆? What's our relationship?" He tries gage how much you remember after death. It would determine if you could still stay with him.

"My boyfriend..."

He sighs. You must not remember the breakup. He didn't want you to either. It made him feel awful. Gaz felt he shouldn't have left you during your worse. He knew you were going through so much and he just abandoned you. "Yeah, that's right, angel..."

Oh, his poor baby didn't even know... just dead and clueless. But he'd much wrather you not remember the breakup, knowing damn well that's probably what triggered your suicide in the first place. He wouldn't dare remind you that he was the cause.

You can support me by liking, commenting, reblogging, and/or cashapping me @fundsbrownie. Donations are optional, but much appreciated. Have fun! And remember, take care of yourself.

Banner credits go to @ghoulbloggerrr!

[fffanii]

10.04.24

heres that non breath oblige suitcase i mentioned in the last post!! what a silly fella. more rambles under cut ofc

GAHHH I LOVEEEE HIMMMMM sorry i just. WHAT A GUYYYY his hairs really messy cause when this song is aligned with the story he had cut his hair with scissors in the bathroom in the middle of the night because hes got that gender identity crisis swag i fear… fan eventually buys him a haircut tho cause suitcase goes to fan because theres drama in the grand slams!!! uh oh!!!!!!! who. who couldve seen THAT coming!!!!/s

im still trying to come up with what suitcases normal non-depressing songs are like and what songs would even fit that cause most of the songs besides the sad ones that i have decided for them are group songs or duet songs (excluding duets with vocasynths cause those are basically just glorified solos) and that doesnt count. i feel like theyd be pretty calm most of the time but i think having a few more aggressive songs would fit too… hm…

besides non breath oblige, ive assigned him last battle and o light, but im still working on the list, so those are the only ones i think wont change. maybe. and by ‘the list’ i mean the one in my head that i change whenever i need to. im so good at making aus

tbh most of what youll see of this au is gonna seem more like im making fanart. for my own au. if that makes sense because more lore-based stuff is so complicated and has been revised over literal years and could also change whenever i feel like it sooo i dont wanna have anything too set in stone…

i did mention in a previous post that characters are ‘linked’ to vocasynths, but for the life of me i cant decide who suitcase gets!!!! im thinking kafu… idk why… i just feel kafu energy… but ill think about it idk. if you wanna suggest any thats perfectly ok, but i have a mental list of whos linked with who, and although MOST vocasynths are in all sekais (its complicated for a variety of reasons) (because i dont want to put every utau in the sekai or have it be too complicated so each group has a relatively good group of vocasynths per sekai) (more than 6 though. how else am i going to make tetorei yuri real???) (and more vocasynths can be added with certain story beats and stuff but its not common) (and also for whatever reason if the character is the 4th in the unit, like how in pjsk theyre ordered a certain way, like ichika -> saki -> honami -> shiho, the last one��s link is EXCLUSIVE TO THAT SEKAI!!! i dont remember why i made that decision i think it was for reasons with the vocasynths being able to be as-close-to-real-as-they-can-get when exiting phones, like instead of just holograms, but its this whole complicated thing so idk why) (and i havent come up with an order for the grand slams) (which consists of the main four) (aka baseball nickle balloon and suitcase) (so idk how that works yet. oops) i dont want vocasynths that are already linked to other characters in other groups or in the same group to share a link. exception for groups outside of the main ones, like i have some rough concepts of bfdi character groups, who have almost nothing to do with the story excluding one specific character whom i will not name, but like if one from there shares a link with an ii group then idgaf yknow

these are a lot of rambles. jeez. uhhhhhhh i like this au a lot and i havent really shared it with anyone yet so i gotta get my crazy ideas out there yknow

also. for the last post. i nicknamed uminaoshi-fan ‘faoshi’, and nicknamed godish-fan ‘fish’ because i think its funny. they hate each others guts but in a homoerotic way yknow. how did i get here. i know how i got here. but how did i get here. anyway like and retweetblog if you loveeeee fishxfaoshi toxic yaoiii 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

[ineedjesusverymuch]

Diabolik lovers headcanons bc im bored

Hi, I'm new here and I'm gonna make some headcanons. I'm gonna start with kanato because I have the most hc of him (I don't even know why). And just a short warning: I ship him with azusa for some of those.

Don't like it don't read it I guess

So there will be a few hc with azusa and him

A trigger warning here. I'm gonna talk about some topics that may upset some people. (Anxiety, trauma, maybe some other stuff, probably depression too)

If you are sensitive to any of these topics, PLEASE dont read this post.

A short NSFW will come too at the end. I'm gonna mark it like this.

Kanato uses a lot of skincare products. He just does. Sometimes he is a lil bit overexcessive simply bc he wants to hold up his image of a perfect doll-like body

dis boy has so much trauma, and he needs somebody to talk. Definitely traumadumps sometimes, does not have really control over this

Maniputative but all the fake crying leaves a strain on his mental health, and so does the screaming. So scared that somebody is gonna leave him, even though he currently has nobody. Its a lingering feeling and it drives him crazy

Had defenitely a big crush on Azusa

But was never able to tell him BC of crippling anxiety and his inability to confess his real feelings (especially to somebody who was just so much like...him)

Still sad about it (and still hopes that Azusa maybe feels the same)

Scared to really love somebody (when they leave what will he do then? He doesn't know and doesn't want to find out either)

Pansexual and leans into demi sexual a little bit. (Those are my own hc)

A demi boy. Likes to dress androgynous with a lot of feminine hints. But definitely pulls of more masculine clothing too

Reaaaaalllly loves to cuddle. He is probably just as much of a cuddlebug as Azusa but he doesnt like to show that side of him. Kanato thinks it makes him weak

Scared of crowds, has social anxiety

Has attachmend issues that startet when his brothers and he startet to fight about the affection from their mother

Loves butterflys and pretty horses (and can ride too, he loves especially Frisians)

Speaks a lot of languages.

Like Italian (he spoke it in one of the games for a spell he made)

He loves romantic languages like italian, french and spain

Is able to speak English, has a really strong British accent

Can speak a bit of Russian (The triplets wanted to learn it when they were younger)

A pro when it comes to makeup

Like he can make you look beautiful in 10 minutes

Looooves lolita style (especially dark clothes paired with cute accessories)

A sucker for themed candy (bad punch I know)

stuffed animals.

Has a big obsession with his nails. They have to be clean and long, and they all need to be the same length !

hates candy corn. Deeply resents it

But loves all other candy

Tried to grow by drinking a lot milk. Didn't work. He was upset for a week

Cuddles with Shu. Its the only time he makes something with his oldest brother

Shu enjoys the quiet, calm moments with Kanato

When he realizes that his anxiety is getting worse he will usually go to Reiji or to Subaru (when he goes to anybody really) (Usually he just stays in his room and hopes that it will stop fast)

They will do their best to calm him down and distract him from the dark thoughts (of his past Or just other dark stuff. We all know how f*cked up his mind is)

Has a lot of nightmares and gets panic attacks a lot

They usually occur when Kanato is stressed or he gets triggered by a certain scent or sound

Its really hard to calm Kanato down once he has startet to get panicked and/or nervous

Has a comfort blanket

Is really sensitive with fabrics and how they feel

Loves Satin and Velvet

Hates scratchy fabrics

Loves clothes with embroidery

Kanato likes head massages almost as much as back massages

He is so tense, once Yuma gave him a massage and now he practically begs Yuma for another one anytime the Mukamis are at the Sakamaki Mansion

Likes to get dressed up

Really enjoys scrapbooking (even though his pages are very chaotic)

Sewed a teddy for Azusa once

Loves 3/4 pants. Just loves them

Short NSFW

a switch. Sorry not sorry

Pls his top has to be nice to him or he will cry

But likes to top too

Likes tounge kisses

Really good at flirting like he will make you fall for him in 10 minutes

Out of the triplets, he has the highest body count (nobody knows how and Laito and Ayato are very irritated by that)

Is down for almost everything

Really loves PDA

BDSM? Probably, depends on his mood

Pro at eating out. Nobody can change my mind. He just is

Aftercare pro. A lot of cuddles and he WILL make sure you feel good.

NSFW over now

sry just wanted to write that. It was in my head for a really long time.

Those are only my personal opinions of Kanato. If you disagree, thats alright.

This is NOT my character, but my headcanons.

If y'all wanna read more just write in the comments. I will continue this probably, depends on if anybody reads it or not.

(Even if not Im gonna continue this, when I'm being honest. It helps me to write this all out.)

Next hc will be Azusa i guess

If sb wants to read Kanato x Azusa hc, I'm gonna write that too.

See y'all and thank you for reading my confusing thoughts.

[puppyparkmoving]

Safeship FAQ for clarifications! 💛

• Is safeship not exclusively for survivors / can I post in the tag and be part of the community if I'm not a survivor?

YES! I dont have a big explanation for this just that the base reason the tag was made was so there was a safe and stress free tag for survivors to be garunteed security in browsing and engaging! If youre not a survivor youre not just welcome here but a blessing becuz it gives more content and community and positivity to survivors and youre just as beloved in the community.

• Are minors allowed in the tag?

Yeah absolutely of course I have ZERO qualms with minors having safety in selfshipping and encourage them to use it and be apart of the community! I obviouslt get this questuon becuz I personally dont interact with minors and vice versa cuz I'm almost thirty. But the tag and community and concept is not about me or attached to me really. Its for everyone!

• If someone has abusive or bigoted beliefs or content are they allowed in the tag?

NOPE! And this is also not about me or my dni its because survivors are often multiply minorities and bigotry especially racism and ableism is repugnant and exactly the same negativity as proshidders sooooooo. This includes pro life bullshit becuz many survivors would not even be alive without their rights to choice and that cannot be ignored in this community.

• What if someone ships abusively to cope? (I.e. yandere shit or anything illegal and disgusting)

Thats still not welcome here. I'm not here to tell people what to do on their mental health journey, but neither is anyone else and the healthiest and most sincere option is to keep abusive content out of the tag period.

• Is nsfw allowed in the tag?

Yea you can go nuts idc just tag it so ppl who have nsfw/nsft blocked dont have to see it. Otherwise have fun.

• Something something is the discord ready yet?

Not quite! Im in the process of moving which will free up my focus and life to be able to do that soon. I promise ill announce when it is. But also know my safeship server doesnt have to be the real and only server. Ive had ppl ask if they can make one and the answer is always yes! The concept of safety and community does not belong to me and while id love to have many ppl in mine when i make it ppl dont have to be around me or interact with me to be part of it! Curate your experiences u deserve it!

• Have you seen insert bad person or content in tag?

Probably not! As I said ive been moving so ive been checking the tag sporadically and not as much as I want or you all deserve. I rlly appreciate these asks and bringing stuff to my attention. You dont have to worry abt me posting the asks so it wont look like a callout or anything crazy like that. Ill just discard the ask and post a warning to the @safeshippin blog. Ill be more vigilent when im moved somewhere safe.

• No further questions

I love you have a good one feel free to ask me anything else esp to do with worries or wonders abt the tag/community. Take care of yourself.

[partytricks]

young royals s3 thoughts (SPOILERS!!!!)

- first and foremost i think they tried to fit waaaayy too many things into this season. it feels like they wrote two seasons worth of content and instead of trying to cut plotlines that were unimportant to the overall narrative, they just said fuck it lets do them all. and it...did not work

- LOVE the idea of wille's speech having repercussions outside of wilmon and the royal family, and i love that the hazing was addressed, but again the whole reveal about erik and august felt like it was just thrown in to have sympathy for august and to lead to wille's breakdown at the bday dinner (which like...he had more than enough reason to do already). i do like the idea of erik actually being fucked up behind the scenes, but i wish they would have hinted at it in season 2 or something instead of just dropping it out of nowhere. idk

- WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE THEY FORGOT ABOUT WILLE HAVING ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS UNTIL THE LAST COUPLE EPISODES???? his anxious habits and the physical toll that stress takes on him were pretty consistently shown in the first two seasons and then suddenly not a thing until the halfway point???????? like idk something about that really bothered me. my one big hope for this season was that wille would get to address his panic attacks but it seems like theyre just not gonna acknowledge it, which i guess is true to real life anxiety it's just something you live with, but it was teased to be such a crucial thing about wille that im a little disappointed its not getting explored

- wilmon cannot communicate to save their lives and i feel like neither of them are ready to be in a relationship. they have a good dynamic and you can tell they care about each other, but they never look at issues from a dual perspective, only as an individual. and then when they call each other out they just get defensive. i think they only want the lovey dovey fun part of a relationship, and they cant accept the fact that things WILL go wrong and they have to work through it TOGETHER

- ive seen a lot of people say that wille got really mean out of nowhere this season and i kind of disagree?? yes, his aggression is def at the forefront of almost all his scenes, but we've seen in the past two seasons that he doesnt know how to deal with stress and takes frustration out on other people. it's just that now he's constantly stressed and therefore on a hair trigger. is it right of him?? no. but does it make sense?? yeah, for me at least

- i HATE that wille's anxiety is constantly pushed aside because it "isnt princely" but the MINUTE that kristina has mental health issues she gets to step back from her duties and see a therapist, get meds, etc... now to clarify, i hate it because wille deserves better and its so hypocritical. i LOVE that it was included in the story because you really get to see plain as day just how much wille's family does not give a shit about him. he was so worried about his mom because he knows what it feels like and wants to be there for her when she never was for him, but she cant even make eye contact with him. and his dad is no better. that scene where wille calls to ask about erik and his dad just goes "yeah i cant think of any of erik's flaws he was perfect" EVEN IF YOU THINK THAT YOU DONT SAY IT TO YOUR OTHER KID???? who, to wille's point, is CURRENTLY YOUR ONLY SON.

- simon dealt with a lot of shit this season, and he was right to be scared of wille during his blowup at the royals, but CALL ME CRAZY i think he couldve waited until like, idk, the NEXT DAY?? to breakup with him???? yes, wille has been an ass to simon this season and taking family drama out on him, thats not cool, but striking while the iron is hot is an AWFUL idea. bring it up while wille is in a more rational headspace and not as riled-up. like simon my bby i was with you til then

[areyouafraid]

I hope it doesnt seem like its defeating the point to bitch about it on a public forum but like ughhhh like. as someone who struggles with suicidal ideation dont take this as me saying you should never talk to your friends about how youre feeing / youre a bad person if you ask for help but also like thats also not really what it was. Looking back i do genuinely believe it was facetious i do believe she was lying about hurting herself so i would feel bad for her its not out of the realm of possibility that she was seriously depressed or had some kind of mental illness but like. Its just not what people who are suicidal typically do. i would be having a good day for once and like keep in mind i have my own fucking problems at this point in time too and she would just randomly message me like DALLAS DALLAS IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!!! IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW IM SERIOUS!!!! i genuinely believe in my heart of hearts she only did it to get compliments & sympathy out of me. I would cry like i seriously thought this crazy bat was my friend and i got so scared she would kill herself. Of course she never did or all her Very Real Suicide Attempts that Definitely Happened that she made sure to tell me about would miraculously fail almost as through divine intervention. and it did make me feel like a fucking monster when i started to feel apprehensive about getting messages from her and sometimes i would even DARE to just ignore her and pretend i didnt get her 5th breakdown of the month and be like Oh i was sleeping sorry. No i really want to talk you out of this again like my life would be horrible without you in it

[dumbbitchfrommars]

should i be getting rid of his stuff?? somehow i feel his energy is around me if i keep it. i can feel his presence all the time. like im lowkey obsessing over the thought/idea of him. its understandable and im not upset over it, he was genuinely the best i ever had. ive said this multiple times now. its not a huge deal, cause its only up from here. and he wont be the best forever. but like its a shift. a positive shift in my standards for men.

ive always said i need to experience things to really learn and the consequence of a mistake leaves me with the gift of wisdom and knowledge. so ill never regret it. but yeah... im done. so i should probably get rid of his stuff?

its crazy how much energy can stick. its literally like something is compelling me to attach to him. something so addictive and hard to resist? like almost like magic? its strange. i only knew this man so briefly and im completely sucked in. like no one ive ever experienced before.

maybe its BECAUSE it was so brief that im so addicted? it was so long ago but i cant forget. everything is so incredibly vivid in my memory. it was so exciting, like being with him was so magnetic and our energies literally bounced off eachother. like what? was that lovebombing ? it felt so real and unlike something ive had with someone.... actually, i did with my ex. i think something like it. could it be something in me changed? no. he brought that side out in me. but not many guys can...

hmm. im starting to rethink ghosting him so soon. but he was ignoring me for days! no. hes not the idea you have of him. he switched up. no grown man does that to a girl he cares about. also, hes all of 24 and doesnt know that being that kind of guy is so fucking cringe and going to leave you single for longer??? but then i come back around to my main, anxious, pointless idea - maybe he never intended to be in a relationship, and had some desire to know (insecure?) that i WOULD be in a relationship with him, and after achieving getting me to come around - manipulating me? playing me - just lost interest? textbook time waster. and then that brings me to the idea that what kind of person finds satisfaction in that? like how mentally ill can you be?? then i feel bad for him. cause thats so sad...

im literally so happy and abundant and radiant on my own, that i think guys think using their usual tactics and playing games somehow works in claiming that energy for themself. the reality is, they'll feel it for a split second, and once i leave, theyll never forget how they fumbled the most authentic person theyll probably ever meet or have the privilege of knowing. you cant steal my personality and my energy for yourself. i am smarter than that now. i know im an earth angel and my energy is so precious for the people who do matter.

you hurt me but youre only helping me in calling in the next lesson in for my growth.

okay i went on a stoned tangent there.

another interesting thing about this situation is the typical flashbacks to my ex that i get after a failed relationship. its really unlikely hed still have the exact same personality as the guy i dated, but the way we connected at the time still feels very profound and unlike any relationship i have had since. like pivotal in my development.

my heart was fully open and i was all in with him. and he was with me. like... thats crazy. and the way we'd be playful with eachother... it was amazing.

and then i meet this guy, and in one hour he has established that comfortable, flirty, playful banter between us so authentically. and by the next morning he made me feel comfortable enough to do the most crazy things in bed with him. reading that back sounds like a red flag. i dont know. it was fun.

maybe i need to consider why the fuck i am so attracted to toxicity, if that is the case and i just happened to ignore a billion red flags. i need to debrief with chloe to find out if this is true.

its not a redflag! it was fun. it was everything i needed it to be. it was everything that happened after we separated that was the red flag. im kind of just glad he was normal while we were together so i could enjoy the fun of it.

this has been a riveting, worthwhile experience.

one of my core memories is watching a late night movie as a child on a random channel where a writer was cheating on her husband with another married couple where there was a specific scene of the other man upset at her because writers care about experiences/their writing more than other people.

ever since that day... i feel like thats been central in my life. i really just was to be confident and comfortable in myself enough to do anything that will thicken the plot, or give me more understanding about life. any crazy thing. any rebellious thing. anything that might be disapproved of. because i can.

i did it because i could and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. and it ended up being a once in a lifetime experience. and im glad it gets to stay perfect in its little bubble of one random weekend at the end of spring...

anyways. fucking hell girl. GIRL , MOVE ON!!!! in my sassy mans words, move on.

[mosviqu]

I LOVE HOW BIG OF A CHOKEHOLD KISS ME IF U CAN HAS ON U!!! AND THE POST U REPOSTED ABOUT ERIC🤌🤌🤌 as u should eric is such a lovely guy and i'm so happy that i got them right for u😎😎 i expected it and have accepted it happening cuz now at least i have one more person to freak out about sunwoo it's kid of a win🥳

if we actually end up meeting it's going to be funny cuz i'm also very awkward so it's going to be very funny i think😭😭

IT WAS I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD AT IT someone should show him how it's done forreal😪 I CACKLED OH MY imagining him just starting to dance to good boy gone bad shouldn't be this funny😭😭 i will believe u that fact its so nice to hear that u want him as a bf😁 and only him😁

THE OUTFITS IN THE MV BRO I ALMOST FELL OFF OF MY BUS (i was brave and watched it on the bus on the way to our class dinner😭😭) I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY IT HAS THIS BIG OF AN EFFECT ITS SO BAD ACTUALLY😭😭 yeahhh the mental block is there so i think that's why i felt weird about it ;-; I WAS NOT READY FOR THE MV NOR RED JIHOON I WAS DYING ON THE BUS IT WAS SO CRAZY LIKE MY DUDES U SHOULDNT HAVE WENT OFF THIS HAR WITH THE SONG AND THE MV WENT CRAZYYYYY for the live performances i will just go blind cuz i don't think i can see more of jihoon😭 AND IM GLAD U LIVED THROUGH IT!!! (liebestraum anon🥳)

kiss me if you can is my song at this point what can i say 😭😭😭 also eric has a chokehold on me so....maybe thats why. but after out yesterdays chat i think i made it very clear ☹💔

STOP SJKS i mean im down to meet for sure but it would be my first time speaking to someone in english face to face thats not my english teacher 😭😭 and i am really awkward when first meeting but BUT im getting more social since uni started so. 😌 im gonna annoy you and use u as my hungarian translator in case im in trouble 🤭 also it still literally doesnt feel real like i have the tickets but im like ?????? no way

NO BECAUSE IMAGINE THEM BUSTING OUT KPOP CHOREO. LIKE DO U WANT TERRY DANCING CAT AND DOG IN THE CLUB?? i feel like THAT would give me more second hand embarrassment than what we saw. also i love how u went "only him" as if im not the most unloyal person on here 😭😭😭😭😭

FELL OFF THE BUS AHAHAHA i get u girl i get u 😭😭 still havent watched the live performance bc im gonna lose my shit i feel. T5 really got the whole fandom in shambles 😭 AHAHA RED JIHOON WAS A SHORT MOMENT the color was so bright ??? I kinda dig the silver more tho 🤭

[haematopoieticsystem]

coming up on my 2 year anniversary of going crazy for real (actual mental breakdown + discovering system shit) and i feel fucking insane again!!!!! [read more bc im embarrassed about feelings]

its mostly the bpd i think rn?? the way in which i can be totally in love and obsessed w someone that doesnt even think of me is so fucking scary i dont know what to do

and then obviously im screaming and crying because i cant interact w him (or anyone for that matter) in a normal, non-embarrassing way

its almost like i was born to be embarrassed and ashamed 24/7

also girl i just want a boyf…….is rhat so wrong…….to desire the boyf………whatever

[loloisloco]

WOW that was like a rollercoaster but sm better, its wierd that its now over but WELL DONE IM SO PROUD you wrote this beautiful fic and i will treausre it. The start abousley KILLED ME and the end had me smiling and laughing so hard the mix was so well done. It ALMOST healed me from the rest of it. (quotes are in purple)

His bad leg screams at him, the muscles feel tight and raw under his flesh. This line was like FSGHJK SO POETIC and i love the way you desctibe his physical pain its beautiful and paints the best mental image. “why don't you just kill me?”. Now that was just mean.

His arm is coated in a thin layer of dirt unlike the rest of his body, as if the flare itself is dirty. I LOVED THIS DETAIL how the flare is dirty and i thought of it like dirt staining someone, so underneath its still them, but if you look at them, all you can see is the dirt.

Thomas made him believe in a future. THOMAS MADE HIM BELEIVE IN A FUTURE. Thomas gave him hope, that he could live, that he could enjoy his life that it was worth living and they can get out of the maze.

He has one final job to do and that is to save thomas. that broke me, because it felt like, even if he dies saving him it is okay, because he will have completed that last job.

He struggles to ignore the fact that his once white bandages are becoming crimson and sticky. CRIMSON YOUR FAVOURITE i thought of the post and copied this immidiatley.

“We need to go-!” Newt's authoritarian tone... Newt still being a leader after all that shit 💪

Bullets spray down the hallway. AGAIN THE WAY YOU DESRICBE THINGS IT PAINTS SUCH A AMAZING AND ACCURATE PICTURE IN MY MIND ITS CRAZY.

How is Janson allowed to walk while so many boys lay dead in the deadheads? How is Janson allowed to breathe while Albys lungs receive no such sensation and never will again? How is Janson allowed to point a gun towards someone else while Winston willingly turned on to himself? So many deaths and screams haunt his mind, will his mind ever quiet again? Or will he forever be forced to hear their screams whenever he breathes? That was painful. and i have no words.

Any and all tension snaps, Newt in this moment feels no hatred towards her because in this moment they both want the same things, to survive this nightmare along with thomas. That is there goal, in that moment saving Thomas is all that matters, he could hate her (even tho ik we see later he doesnt) but it doesnt matter. Saving thomas is the only thing that does. BUT I LOVED THIS because he wanted to survive it with thomas, he thought of his survival aswell.

Cant find the quote but GOT SHOT FUCK YOU MEAN GOT SHOT

. “I- i dont want to die Teresa.” The words escape his chapped lips and body, fingers and hands touching all his injuries that were well worth it in Newt's mind. He saved Thomas. CHAPPED LIPS ALSO NEWT NO YOU SHOULDNT BE INJURED.

That's Newt's final thought before his vision finally escapes him. HIS FINAL THOUGHT IS ABOUT THOMAS

“That was the longest two days of my life” Thomas whispers back with a twinge of humour, Newt laughs, his gut fluttering at the sound of Thomas's voice and his reciprocated laughter. Longest and shortest 20 minutes of my mind i ate this up but it also felt like eating glass at points. AND THEY ARE LAUGHING WHOOO “I won't hear none of that, ya hear me? It's only a couple stitches tommy.” “Only?!” Thomas is so real rn bc wdym ONLY newt stop downplaying ur pain idc if you have a high pain tolernece Newt? You ok?” Thomas says softly, cupping the side of his face with one hand now, being gentle as to not touch his stitches because of course he does. “You sort of zoned out there” Thomas, who is the loudest, bravest and the biggest “act now think later” person in the whole entire world is somehow changes into the most caring and tender person ever whenever he's around Newt and it always makes Newt crumble into tiny little pieces, he couldn't lie to him right now even if he tried. “Yeah.. i did uhm- get shot.. Don't freak-” DONT FREAK OFC HES GONNA FREAK NEWT U SILLY BILLY. Them being to caring and tender to eachother is everything.

“WHAT??”

You got shot because of me!”

“I didn't get shot because of you, I got shot FOR you!!” He would get shot 1000x if it meant saving Thomas.

That's all I wanted.” NEWT WDYM ALL YOU WANTED WHAT ABOUT YOU LIVING.

Newt’s cheeks slowly began to ache from all the smiling. I was so happy they were happy

Are you sure you're ready to-?” “Tommy, I would rather get shot again then stay here for one more bloody night.” I should not find that funny after all the pain it caused me buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut i did

“It's so.. Calm?” HE CANT BELEIVE SOMETHING COULD BE CALM BECAUSE ALL HE KNOWS IS THE OPPOSITE HES ALWAYS FIGHTING FOR HIS AND THOMAS LIFE.

Tonight is for stars and laughter that bubbles in his chest and makes Newt’s face hurt, tonight is for joy. Tonight is for joy indeed, they deserve sm joy.

Eventually Newts screams twist into laughter and shrieks of joy, the world whirling in repeating blurred twists. “Ok ok i'm awake now!” This was one of the best scenes ever and i cant explain how much i was like HAPPYNESS THEM I LOVE I LIKE MORE.

Newt exclaims, whacking Thomas in the shins with the stick. Thomas pretends to wince in agony despite the fact the tap was nothing but light before exclaiming back “how you have wounded me Newton! How dare you strike me-! OW- Poor thomas, Newt got a weapon now. Be scared. Newt feels relief flood his entire body, he did it. They did it. They survived. And now? They get to live. In this moment, the water up to his chest and sand in his hair he realises how grateful he is to be able to live. Not just survive. He is finally able to live and enjoy it.

They have all the time in the world. They do, they are free, they can be happy, they dont have to run, hide or escape. THEY DO

ignore if im interpreted anything wrong lmao, and every word was truly amazing. This was a rollercoaster of emotions and i feel blessed getting to read this fic honestly THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS MASTERPIECE.

I bet on losing dogs pt4

masterlist

story summary: what if newtmas was canon in the death cure and there was a plot change?

word count: 8.3k

TW LIST: detailed gore, detailed mentions of blood loss, typical canon violence. let me know if i missed any!!

Newt's bones and eyes are still so so heavy but he has woken up, the muscles in his eyes twitch to open but his brain screams at him before he moves. DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES his survival instincts holler at him, he can't trust anyone anymore except his own heavy body. Where are you? Newt feels that the room is cold, his arms and legs are strapped down by what feels to be.. Warm leather. The leather is warm, he's been there a long time. He hears bombs raging on in the distance, it's muffled. Are you hurt? Newt can still feel his right palm stick against the bandages Minho had applied along with deep discomfort, his hand feels exposed despite being covered. His face still sears with agony from the scratches and his wrists whine in overuse. His bad leg screams at him, the muscles feel tight and raw under his flesh but despite that he has no new injuries except he feels a prick in his lower arm. 

He feels blood being drained from his arm, his senses heightened already to pick up the sound of quiet breathing, along with heavy footsteps not too far away pacing rhymically. Keep your breathing steady he continued to breath at the pace he was earlier, his chest rising and falling in time with the steps. Who's in the room? The person who is drawing his blood is steady, clearly trained because the pain in his arm is very miniscule. Ava Paige is dead and the halls of the tower were empty, wait. Teresa had called for him to come back so she must have been waiting, Teresa is drawing his blood. The heavy footsteps boom louder with every step, presumably Janson. “What's taking so long?!” the ratman snaps. “He's dehydrated, the blood is barely coming out.” Teresa replies, her voice wobbling slightly. As if her words summoned it, his throat scratches at every breath he takes in as his head pounds desperate for water. 

After a minute or two, Teresa finishes extracting his blood and removes the needle from his arm. Newt knows where he is, who he's with and what state he's in. He's not going to learn anything else with his eyes closed. open your eyes Newt listens and slowly opens his not so heavy eyelids and says, his voice scratching “why don't you just kill me?” his eyes drawn to the gray haired man. Janson turns and speaks in a low voice “no we don't want to do that Newt” he walks ever so slowly, almost taunting him. “We're going to take special care of you. We’ll keep you alive, just. And in return, you give life to the rest of us..” The crank turns on his heels at a snail pace, reaching out for something and making all of two steps back to newt. Holding a cylinder tube with a cap he ever so slowly removes and places to the side, the tip of the needle mocking him. The small see-through part of the mostly black cylinder glows a light blue. Desperation and rage bubble in his blood at the sight, the syringe Newt desperately needs, the serum he would give his own life for just out of reach. 

The serum. Thomas’s serum. 

“The ones we chose to save anyway.” The putrid crank carefully pulls up his sleeve, extending his arm out as he does so making sure Newt sees his arm. His arm is covered in black veins, almost like a web that's been woven together without care or direction spreading anywhere and everywhere. His arm is coated in a thin layer of dirt unlike the rest of his body, as if the flare itself is dirty. Newt's eyes are drawn away from the spider's web before him, up to the needle tip that Janson is waving right in front of his eyes. He smirks maniacally, his eyes wide and dangerous. He creeps the needle tip towards his arm.

…

“DONT YOU FUCKING DARE JANSON” the rage in his gut spreading to his throat, his arms, his legs, his bones and muscles. he wildly pulls against his restraints as if will stop the cruel crank, Janson taunts him by dragging out the process for as long as possible. Inching closer and closer and every centimetre he gets he somehow gets even slower, all the while Newt is screaming profanities at the top of his lungs. His throat burns as he screams. Somehow, Janson knows Thomas is infected and he's determined to remind Newt of this fact. How dare he taunt him?! Years and years of suffering, watching gladers die gruesome deaths and hearing their god awful screams knowing there was absolutely nothing he could do to save them. He can't let Thomas die, not now! He's the reason they got out of that maze, he saved his best friends' lives and gave him freedom, hope. For ONCE in his life he felt something other than complete hopelessness the day Thomas killed that griever. Newt finally had something to run for, to push for. Thomas made him believe in a future. He fought almost every battle he could, escaping the maze, fleeing from wicked, making it to the right arm, finding minho. He has one final job to do and that is to save thomas. the one thing he has left to fight for is JUST out of his reach, if he could just MOVE HIS GODDAMN HANDS-

SMASH

Janson falls to the floor in a spray of glass, his head thumping against the hospital floor. Teresa stood behind him breathing heavily, she quickly snatches the syringe off the floor before removing Newts restraints. Relief floods through Newt's body and he fights to shake from the nonstop adrenaline that he believes may never stop coursing through him after this night. Teresa mumbles something that doesn't reach Newt's ears while she struggles with a buckle, Newt desperately trying to assist her wriggles his way up and away from the leather. Teresa removes the restraint before the crank whose head is dripping with blood grabs Teresa by the hair and throws her across the room with an inhumane amount of strength, Teresa slides across a table of medical equipment before falling onto the cold ground. “TERESA” Newt screeches before using his bandaged hand to try undo the rest of his body, he fights a whine at the back of his throat at the pain that boils under his palm as he does. He struggles to ignore the fact that his once white bandages are becoming crimson and sticky.   

Newt blocks out the screaming and fighting not even a metre away, only focusing on the buckles. Eventually he frees himself and he hears a loud THUNK and a lack of high pitched screams, Teresa's limp body crumples to the floor, her eyes shut tightly. A machete shines under the fluorescent hospital light, his machete. Jansons' eyes notice quicker and he's already snatched it, his teeth bared wildly. Newts runs and pounces at Janson, both bodies flying out the door of the hospital room and into an equally bright hallway. Newt and Janson tumble around on the ground, punches thrown and kicks landing into stomachs and faces. Janson barely uses the blade, only slicing Newt hesitantly across his shoulder blade and arm, clearly having no clue how to wield the blade. Fucking pathetic. If the machete were in Newt's hand however? Janson would've been dead already. If it weren't for Jansons flare enhanced strength Newt would have overpowered his pen pusher body by now, machete or not.

Janson manages to deliver a heavy blow to the side of Newt's head, the world spins and darkens for a moment. He stumbles to the ground, trying to reel his consciousness back to him. The crank straddles him with the machete to his neck, pressing down slightly blood drips from Newt's neck. The cut is nowhere near deep, in fact Newt barely feels the small cut. “He was never supposed to be in the maze!” Janson spat, Newt has a firm grip on Jansons wrist keeping the machete from getting any deeper than a paper cut. “But he just had to go after you and all your little friends didn't he? So brave so.. Caring” the end of his sentence reeks of sarcastic sweetness, Newts grip gets impossibly tighter as he attempts to push Janson away to no avail. “The one thing Ava did right was making you The Glue, so desperate. Putting his life above your own? Their lives above your own?” Newt tries to kick up with his feet and push Jansons body off with his core, he squirms around desperately trying to get out from underneath the vile crank. 

BANG 

Janson drops the machete, his arm goes limp for a moment. Newt seizes the opportunity and pushes Janson off him and snatches the machete off the floor and scrambles up to his feet, blood pumping in his ears. He looks up to find Teresa holding a small pistol, eyes wide looking down at Janson. More specifically his shoulder which is now seeping with blood. Her body is stiff and unwavering, her hair tangled around the back from Jansons cruel fingers. Her breaths are quick and shallow, her bottom lip quivering. 

“We need to go-!” Newt's authoritarian tone is cut short by bombs that make the floor shake and cause both him and Teresa to fall to the ground, Janson who was on his hands and knees attempting to stand falls flat on his stomach. Smoke and ash fill his lungs and burn his eyes, the light above flickering on and off, wires spark with electricity bouncing off the ceiling and walls. The pistol that Teresa held moments ago flies from her hands as she falls, landing right next to Jansons body ready for the taking when he eventually stands his ground. 

Newt somehow gains his footing despite being in a much weaker state than Teresa, grabbing the back of her white coat insisting they need to move. Without hesitation she too scrambles to her feet as they run down the hallway, his body mimicking a rusty doll in need of oil as he moves, every step becoming more and more agonising. Bullets spray down the hallway just before they duck into the next, his bum leg getting weaker by the second. “In here!!” Teresa shrieks, pulling Newt through two glass double doors that move apart on their own. They stumble into a large what seems to be a testing room..? The right wall lined with thick glass and well past the gone crank inside, banging on the glass in ripped up dirty hospital gowns. The back wall and centre of the room filled with small tables with medical equipment and the largest object in the room being a large cylinder machine Newt couldn't even fathom the name of. Newts bum leg drips.. Drips? 

Newt looks down to find a gunshot wound embedded into his right thigh. 

His breath hitches at the sight, he collapses to the floor almost hitting his head against a metal cabinet before Teresa grabs him and lowers him to the ground. Teresa brows furrowed in concentration immediately, she scrambles through cabinets and seconds later she finds what she's looking for. A long white cloth and small scalpel. SCALPEL?? Newt's eyes widen in shock and he considers scrambling away from her even though she's a trained doctor. “I'm not cutting you, I need something for the tourniquet.” right. Newt remembers Jorge showing him how to tie one of those a few times, you need something to put in it to act as a “torsion device” Newt's body settles significantly and she allows Teresa to cut off his pant leg and wrap the cloth around his now scarlet soaked leg. Her fingers and arms work quickly, she's mumbling steps to herself throughout the quick and painful process. Newt hisses in pain as she tightens the cloth, “sorry, if it hurts-” “that means it's working, i know-” - he hisses and scrunches his eyes closed - “Jorge told me.” 

Teresa finishes the tourniquet and takes the now cut off pant leg and starts to instruct Newt to press down on the wound, as if he hasn't done that already tonight before the sound of the glass doors opening once more interrupts her. Heavy footsteps walk ever so slowly into the room, Janson calls out for teresa. Teresa quickly leaves Newt's side and scrambles behind the desk, Janson goes on a long winding speech about the girl and her betrayals. Newts mind drifts away from the sounds of teresa shifting around the room and jansons taunting, he barely notices when his own body shifts to get away from the cranks watchful eye. Newt is only thinking about two things, how dry Thomas's blood is on Newt's hands. it coats his palms and fingers, the way it trapped itself underneath his dirty nails. How much time does Thomas have left? Does he have any time left at all? Or has his heart come to a steady stop along with Newt's ability to think about anything other than survival? 

The second thing being how Jansons undeserving body receives blood from his icy heart every second that passes, every heavy footstep being assisted by his flare infested brain that is undeserving of the ash tainted air. How is Janson allowed to walk while so many boys lay dead in the deadheads? How is Janson allowed to breathe while Albys lungs receive no such sensation and never will again? How is Janson allowed to point a gun towards someone else while Winston willingly turned on to himself? So many deaths and screams haunt his mind, will his mind ever quiet again? Or will he forever be forced to hear their screams whenever he breathes? 

Oh.. the world is escaping him now, everything is focusing and unfocusing as if he was taking glasses on and off again. What is that sound? White noise buzzes almost inside his head, his brain shaking for blood. “Don't you have enough blood on your hands already?!” Janson calls out, oh his talking to him. Who else would he be talking to? Newt realises that his hands are shaking violently, how long have they been doing that for? “Your little friend Thomas might not have been able to shoot her.. But I can!” Newt senses are impossibly heightened so much so he can hear the gun rattle in Jansons palms, 

Newt looks towards Janson, black veins pulsing up his neck.. His neck. Newt looks down at his machete which is covered in now half dried blood, his own blood. The machete shimmers under the flickering lights calling to him, the handle almost slips itself into Newt's hand as he wobbles to stand. “JANSON!!” he screams, tumbling towards the crank. Janson turns to point the gun towards the blonde but is much too slow because by the time his pupils almost disappear in shock at Newt's raised arm it's too late for him. Newts arm and shoulder muscles tighten as he slashes his machete across Jansons throat, the blade swipes effortlessly into his flesh, unlike Janson Newts slash is not hesitant or unpracticed. The gun that once shook in the cranks palms drops to the floor as he claws at his throat, blood dripping from his mouth as he falls to the floor choking on crimson. 

Once Janson drops to the floor all the strength newt gathered deep within his bones all slips away from him, Teresa grabs his arm and helps him hobble out of the room with her. Any and all tension snaps, Newt in this moment feels no hatred towards her because in this moment they both want the same things, to survive this nightmare along with thomas. Wires all around them blow and light up with electricity, the halls reek of ash and gunpowder as they stumble towards a stairwell. Teresa’s voice orders him to move in certain directions and he does what he's told with no argument, they enter a stairwell, the stairs leading down boom in fire. Teresa leads them up the stairs, Newt desperately trying to take some of his weight off her shoulders. 

They climb and climb until Teresa uses her free hand to open a door taking them onto the roof, everything around them burns violently, the sheer brightness burns into newts eyes. Teresa turns back around to go back into the stair well before that too, explodes in bright fire. Newt can almost see the hopelessness radiating off of her, her mind finally coming to a stop and realising it over, their done. Dead. They had failed. 

Newt's body finally gives out, crashing to the ground along with Teresa who tries to break his fall. Teresa's chest rises and falls as she gasps for air desperately, the sky starts to slowly swirl together. Teresa reaches into her pocket and hands Newt the syringe he came back for. “I knew you would come back.” she said, her tone impossibly soft as if the world was not on fire. “I knew you would help me.” Newt responds in the same manner, in this moment, in this fire, Newt cannot hate the girl that holds her. He will never forgive her but he cannot hate her. “I- i dont want to die Teresa.” The words escape his chapped lips and his fogged brain before he has the chance to bite his tongue, he struggles to speak with the ash in his lungs. He knew the likelihood of his return ending in his death, but now that he is faced with it burning all around him he's never felt such despair in his life. Even in death he couldn't keep his promise. “Me neither.” her voice tremors now, another understanding. Her tone is ridden with guilt, not the same guilt Newt carries in his chest but guilt all the same. 

White noise blares in his ears, the noise gets closer and closer.. Teresa turns to look in front of them, Newt turns also to see that the noise is the berg. The berg!! “C’MON!!” Teresa commands, lifting Newt to his feet, practically dragging him to the edge of the building. Newt holds the syringe impossibly tight in his hands, his eyes fighting to stay open as he searches for Thomas in the berg. His bones heavy and tired attempt to put up one final fight, his body searches for one final push of adrenaline to get him and Teresa onto the berg. The berg is so close yet so far, Newt's hand grazes Vince's before falling once more. “YOU HAVE TO GET CLOSER” Teresa shouts, gally shouts something along those lines to the pilot who Newt can only assume to be Jorge. The berg swings back and forth, building around them crumbling down. Teresa holds onto Newt and pushes him to the berg with one big push, Newt feels hands grip his upper arms pulling him onto the ship. 

Newt looks around the ship, his eyes landing on Thomas only a few steps away. Steps his legs cannot take him. Everyone around him is shouting out to Teresa, part of Newt wants to help her but he has a promise to keep. So he crawls, his bad leg weighs him down as his arms fight to pull his body along. His tourniquet slowly becomes looser as he crawls across the floor, leaving a trail of blood as he moves. He's not far now, PUSH GODDAMNIT his brain screams. Newt considers injecting it into Thomas’s palm just to get the serum in him faster but decides against it, refusing to risk the one and only vial they have. His arms shake as he pulls himself one final time before injecting the serum into Thomas's upper arm with a firm click. He did it. It's over. He kept his promise. Minho and Thomas are alive. 

His vision swirls once the blue liquid finally empties out of the syringe in what has got to be the longest 5 seconds of his life, his body goes limp as he lets his arm fall. His brain slowly flips into unconsciousness as the berg rumbles with an upward descent, he faintly heard feet rushing towards him and barely feels minho flip him onto his back. “STAY WI-” the rest of Minho’s words are unheard as white noise becomes the only sound in the world, faces and arms crowd his vision and body, fingers and hands touching all his injuries that were well worth it in Newt's mind. Newt turns his head to see Thomas’s face that is now soft and calm in a peaceful sleep as his chest rises and falls, the black veins slowly becoming less visible. He’d truly done it. He saved Thomas.

That's Newt's final thought before his vision finally escapes him. 

-

It's been almost 2 days since Newt woke up in the safe haven, and for the past 2 days he has had doctors speak to him, getting his vitals taken, being forced to eat and drink, being banned from walking without a cane as if he's an old man, has had his bandages changed and he's not seen a single person he knows. Doctors have asked him his pain level, how he's feeling, how he’s coping, and he has barely said a word to them. Newt could speak, if he wanted to. Doctors speak about him as if he's not there, they say he's in shock. The past 2 days have not felt like days, everything blurs together in one big jumble of memories. Everything seems so distant, even the present moment he's in now, which is another one of these doctors attempting conversation. 

“You have been in the safe haven for 2 days, did you know that?” the doctor says. Yes I did, I have heard this countless times. Newt shrugs and refuses to look at said doctor, he just wants to see someone, anyone he knows. “Is Tommy ok?” he asks for about the billionth time, one of his few repeated phrases. “When can I see him? Or anyone?” the doctor sighs, as if Newt is forcing him to be there before he says “speaking of that.. One of my colleagues informed your friends about your condition so they should-” 

The doctor is interrupted by Minho, Brenda, Frypan and Gally all crashing into the room at once. “NEWT!!” Minho practically screams, running over and pulling him into the world's tightest hug. The doctor stands and leaves the room smiling happily to himself. Newt's body floods with happiness for the first time in 48 hours as he hugs him back weakly, his face buried into his neck. He feels Brenda hugging him from behind, her chin resting on his shoulder. “Hurry up! I wanna get in there!” Frypan ushers Minho away after a minute or two before clapping both his hands on both of Newt's shoulders “how you doing?” he asks warmly “much better now!” Newt exclaims, his lips curve into a wide smile. He feels giddy, giddy like a kid on Christmas finally getting the toy they begged for. “Hey dude.” gally says, his arms crossed with a slight smile. “Hey man!” he says, refusing the impossible urge to squeal in pure excitement, for once in 2 long days he finally feels present in a moment, the past 48 hours a mere sad blur that no longer exists in his mind. 

Then he realises, someone is missing. “Minho,” - Newt turns to face him and takes a deep breath - “is Tommy ok?” Minho’s smile turns into a cheeky grin before saying “about that..” he steps towards the door, pulling it open and reaches his arm to the side, tugging on something. “TADA!!” Minho pulls Thomas in the room by his shirt, Thomas’s eyes widen in shock at Newts state, Newts eyes widen as his eyes drift to Thomas's stomach. No knife, no blood. He's really ok. Newt feels Brenda's arms slip away from him and he hears her ushering everyone except Thomas out of the room. Newt and Thomas both pause for a moment, Their eyes locking in pure disbelief before Thomas practically sprints over and pulls Newt into the softest hug possible. Newt's body relaxes significantly, his forehead resting on Thomas's shoulder while one of his hands cups Thomas's face. “It worked, it actually worked” he whispers, his eyes filled with tears that threaten to spill. “That was the longest two days of my life” Thomas whispers back with a twinge of humour, Newt laughs, his gut fluttering at the sound of Thomas's voice and his reciprocated laughter. 

Thomas pulls back slightly, his eyes almost droopy as he smiles looking into Newt's eyes. His gaze drifts to Newt's cheeks and his eyes widen significantly, his smile dropping. Thomas goes to speak, his brows furrowed before Newt promptly interrupts him. “I won't hear none of that, ya hear me? It's only a couple stitches tommy.” “Only?!” Newt scooches over allowing Thomas to sit down, after taking his shoes off. He sits with his legs crossed on the surprisingly large hospital cot. “That's nothing! i’ve got a high pain tolerance, barely felt a thing. Don't you worry your pretty head about it.” Newt teases, tapping Thomas's temple Thomas keeps his hands in his lap, fidgeting with his fingers. 

“Well go on then.” Newt folds after a few seconds, allowing Thomas to cradle his face and examine his wounds. His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows down what Newt can only assume to be the apologies swirling in his brain. “What did I just say?” Newt scolds.

“Is there anymore? I heard you got.. Shot.” Thomas ignores Newt's playful scolding, his doe eyes full of worry. Newt doesn't know how to answer, he doesn't want to lie to Thomas but he knows that if he tells the truth.. oh yeah and I also got a few stitches on my arm, shoulder and hand too! My gunshot wound nearly killed me by the way! Thomas would never forgive himself. He's always so goddamn forgiving but the moment something happens that's not even his fault that he's remotely tied to he makes it his mission to flip the situation and pin the blame on himself, he won't understand that the wounds were well worth it, he won't understand that Newt would have rather died than not at least try to save him- 

“Newt? You ok?” Thomas says softly, cupping the side of his face with one hand now, being gentle as to not touch his stitches because of course he does. “You sort of zoned out there” Thomas, who is the loudest, bravest and the biggest “act now think later” person in the whole entire world is somehow changes into the most caring and tender person ever whenever he's around Newt and it always makes Newt crumble into tiny little pieces, he couldn't lie to him right now even if he tried. “Yeah.. i did uhm- get shot.. Don't freak-” 

“WHAT??”

“I knew you would do that!!” 

“do what?!” 

“act like the biggest shuckfaced idiot that's ever stepped foot on the bloody planet that's what!!” 

“You got shot because of me!”

“I didn't get shot because of you, I got shot FOR you!!” 

“...”

“Love. When you..” - Newt takes a deep breath before continuing - “passed out, i don't know if you heard but i.. ran back to the tower-” 

“YOU WHAT??”

“Don't interrupt!” 

“...”

“You were dying Tommy. I had to go back! You don't know what you looked like.. What I saw. Long story short me and Janson got in a fight and I got a couple cuts” - Newt pulls his collar down to expose his bandages, afterwards pulling up his sleeve to show the bandaged cut on his upper arm. Thomas’s eyes got wider and glasser the more he spoke - “and yes I got shot. But it was worth it tommy! You lived.. That's all I wanted.” - Newt takes Thomas's hand in his, rubbing the back of his knuckles. - “Ok?” Newt's throat tightens at his last word, making his word wobble despite his tone being steady recounting the tale.

Thomas pauses for a moment, he opens his mouth as if he wants to protest but quickly closes it. He presses his lips into a thin line while squeezing Newt’s hand. “Thank you, for saving me.” He mumbles, barely audible. If Newt wasn't so close and the room wasn't so quiet he wouldn't have been able to hear the low whisper. Newt doesn't think saying your welcome is exactly appropriate so instead, he squeezes Thomas's hand for a moment before smiling warmly his way. Plump lips smile back at Newt, Thomas’s head tilting to the side ever so slightly as he smiles in a way that makes Newt's face glow with warmth. Newt doesn't realise he's staring at Thomas's lips until Thomas reciprocates the action, they both pause for a moment before Thomas leans in and gently kisses him.

He tastes like toothpaste and saltwater. Newt keeps his hand in Thomas’s, Thomas’s hands have always been so soft, so warm. Newt places his other hand on Thomas's shoulder, Newt's gut swirls when Thomas's hums against his lips, the vibration sending shivers down his spine. Newt's hand makes its way from his shoulder to the back of Thomas's head, pushing Thomas closer in an attempt to deepen the kiss before the brunette pulls away. “What was that for?!” Newt asked, displeased, with no real anger behind his words. “First of all, we're in a hospital room.” - Thomas kisses the corner of Newt's mouth before continuing in a whisper - “Second of all, you're recovering. So maybe not now, mkay?” “you Thomas are a bloody tease” 

“uh oh ‘Thomas’ should i be worried?” Thomas replied sarcastically, only a few inches from Newt's face. “Yeah, maybe you should be” Newt spoke in the same manner, attempting to kiss Thomas again before Thomas lightly pushed him back before exclaiming 

“what did i just say!” 

“finee.” Newt pouted in pretend annoyance before they both broke out into a fit of laughter, Newt’s cheeks slowly began to ache from all the smiling. 

-

Its officially been a week since Newt arrived in the safe haven and today is finally the day he is getting discharged from the makeshift hospital they have set up, over the past 5 days Thomas, Minho, Brenda, Frypan and Gally all came by to visit often, Thomas and Minho the most by far. Thomas visited at least once a day, sometimes multiple if he wasn't busy. Constantly asking how he was doing, telling Newt about about the safe haven and how Frypans “still got it”, Thomas tells Newt about the fields and spots he wants to take him, about the hut he's been assigned and how nice it is to sleep in a bed instead of sleeping bags, Newt listens intently as he talks about his slow lazy days since Thomas is still recovering from his knife wound. But those days are finally over because Thomas is on his way to help Newt hobble out of the hospital doors insisting he wants to help, despite the fact Newt has a cane. Newt is beyond ecstatic to get out of the dingy hospital room and move in with Thomas, they both agreed on that since they haven't slept apart for almost 6 months anyway so why change now? 

Newt sat impatiently on top of his hospital bed, cane in his lap as he fiddled with the corner of the blanket waiting for Thomas to get there. His heart beat thumping in his ears like a clock, ticking by as the seconds pass. He can't help but wonder if walking is going to be harder now, he's barely stood up for more then a minute or two so how is he going to do walking longer distances? … the sand is a whole different ball game. Newt would rather walk in the sand than stay in the hospital another night though. 

As if on cue the door swings open and Thomas stands there grinning from ear to ear boyishly. Thomas walks over and extends his hand out, bowing as if Newt is a king or something. Newt rolls his eyes while Thomas laughs, but accepts Thomas's hand gratefully despite the sarcasm. Newt slowly stands to his feet unable to suppress the hiss that escapes his lips, his eyes scrunching as pain shoots through his whole leg. His fingers that are now interlocked with Thomas's squeeze significantly tighter, leaning slightly against Thomas's arm to keep him upright. 

“Are you sure you're ready to-?” “Tommy, I would rather get shot again then stay here for one more bloody night.” Thomas’s eyes flick upwards immediately to make eye contact with Newt, his eyes widening in shock. “I'm joking! but please for the love of god get me out of here.” His eyes soften once more when Newt responds, they both slowly but surely begin to walk towards the doors of the makeshift hospital. Every step Newt limps and occasionally having to fight back a wince, he can't help but be reminded of when he first broke his leg and Minho and Alby had to help him walk around similarly to how Thomas is now. Eventually they make it to the rickety door made out of wood and sticks, Thomas uses his free hand to open the door and Newt gasps at the sight.

Newt has yet to see the safe haven until now, he heard waves occasionally but he didn't expect the water to be so bright, the way the sun bounces off the crystal blue water almost makes it look like a large gem. In the distance there is a large cliff covered in grass and flowers, in fact the whole safe haven besides the beach is covered in bright, healthy green grass. The sun doesn't burn Newt's shoulders or arms either, it's warm and calming. There's a large unlit bonfire in the distance along with a large stone which appears to have carvings on it, surrounding the bonfire there is small wooden structures with beams and steps for people to sit at and hammocks are set up underneath roofs, a large communal kitchen which Frypan is stationed at as well. There's people of all ages sitting, walking, running, laughing, talking or just sitting in silence enjoying the peace. Newt lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding when Thomas squeezes his hand to bring him back to the present.

“It's so.. Calm?” His words come out as a question instead of a statement, Newt didn't mean to sound curious but the truth is he is curious. How do they keep order? How do they keep things running around here? “The others were shocked too, speaking of them you want to get dinner?” Newt's stomach growled at the suggestion, his eyebrows raised. Thomas doesn't move and simply waits for Newt's response. “Well c'mon then! I'm not getting there on my own!” he says playfully before attempting to speed up his walking despite Thomas's protests, Eventually Newt's leg refuses to get with the program and they are forced to a leisurely pace towards the unlit bonfire hand in hand. The gentle breeze lifting any heaviness left in his chest, the sound of grass under his shoes keeping him in the present instead of the past full of sand and hatred. 

The sky above is mixed with oranges, pinks and gentle clouds as the sun slowly begins to set, the air slowly getting colder as the afternoon turns to night. As time passes by people with unknown voices and faces to match dwindle away to hammocks or huts if owned, and all the remains are the few gladers that remain paired with clinking of utensils and fits of laughter. Even Gally joining in on the smiles and giggles, sweet tasting alcohol Newt can't be bothered to ask the name of eventually being passed around. Maybe one day in the future, nearby or distant they will speak of the scorch and wicked but not tonight. Tonight is for stars and laughter that bubbles in his chest and makes Newt’s face hurt, tonight is for joy. 

Newt is sitting with his crappy leg elevated by a small log. Thomas insisted on running around for five minutes trying to find it, lifting Newt's leg and placing it on top of the log saying “it helps with swelling!” Newt found the sight of slightly tipsy Thomas running around in the grass to find the log very endearing, repressing a fit of giggles when Thomas threw his hands in the air and whooped in excitement at the find. Newt's other leg is pressed against his chest, his arms hugging around it. Frypan grins to himself as he collects everyone except Gallys cleared plates, Gally still working on his meal scoffing down his food. “Fry you gotta step up your game man!” He exclaims between mouthfuls. “Oh really? So you wouldn’t mind if I-“ - Frypan goes to take Gally half eaten plate of food before Gally swats away his hand with a scowl. - “that’s what I thought!” He beams with a sarcastic grin “Fuck off man!” gally attempts to sound harsh, the slight grin on his face making it clear he’s not mad. Frypan walks away, plates and cups stacked skilfully, he laughs the whole way back to the kitchen before he’s too far away to hear. 

Minutes later Gally licks his plate clean before walking off to the kitchen, “I forgot what actual food tastes like, that shit we had in the scorch was driving me nuts!” Minho’s voice slicing through the silence, the bright fire warming Newt’s sore body. “If that ain't the buggin’ truth.” Newt replied with much less enthusiasm, his voice dipping into soft silence. a comfortable wave of exhaustion crashing down onto him. Soon Gally and Frypan made their way back and everyone drifted back into comfortable conversation and laughter, the warmth of the fire and eventually Thomas's arm wrapped around him made Newt's eyes feel heavy and body like jelly, sinking into feeling his eyes threatening to pull him away from the magical night. The voices of the people he cared about most dearly all mixed together into one beautiful unintelligible chorus as consciousness escaped him, except tonight he knew that no matter what, when he woke, he would be safe. No more cranks or running from wicked, only Thomas's arms and friends' laughter made him wish not to sleep. 

Newt drifted from half consciousness to being asleep and back again over the course of 30 minutes, an hour? He couldn't tell anymore. Newt feels Thomas's breath on his ear, his lips less than a inch away as he whispers “hey hun, we gotta get up c'mon.” Newt groans in response, not wanting to wake up yet, he pulls his eyes open to find the sky has turned to darkness covered in bright stars. The fire dwindled, barely illuminating any light. In the distance Newt can see Minho’s slightly wider build compared to when they found him at wicked walking off, his legs more steady and sure. Newt's body felt heavy, his brain fogged with exhaustion. “I don't think i could stand even if I wanted to Tommy” his lips tugging upwards into a tired smile, trying to avoid the inevitable. 

“Then I'll carry you!” 

“What?!” 

“Cmon! Up you get!” Thomas is crouched now, one arm hooked under Newt's legs, the other hooked around his upper body attempting to lift him. Newt shrieked and tried to wriggle out of Thomas's grip to no avail, “I was joking!! Put. me. DOWN-!” Thomas quickly stands and spins around in circles quickly, Newt's cries of fear paired with Thomas's laughter. Eventually Newts screams twist into laughter and shrieks of joy, the world whirling in repeating blurred twists. “Ok ok i'm awake now!” Newt insists between happy cries, Thomas slowly stops spinning and puts Newt down. Newt attempts to walk back to where he was sitting moments earlier to retrieve his now discarded cane, forgetting momentarily about his.. Predicament. The world still wobbly combined with his already crappy leg with assistance, his walking mirroring a drunk he almost tumbles over until Thomas hooks his arm with Newts. They attempt to walk together, giggling as they still stumble despite the assistance of eachothers arms. 

Newt attempts to crouch down to grab his cane, sucking in a sharp breath between his teeth in pain. Thomas waves him off and picks it up for him, placing it in Newt's free hand. “What would you ever do without me?” he teases, his eyes crease as he grins. “Oh bugger off!” Newt exclaims, whacking Thomas in the shins with the stick. Thomas pretends to wince in agony despite the fact the tap was nothing but light before exclaiming back “how you have wounded me Newton! How dare you strike me-! OW-” this time his cries of pain are real, Newt whacks him in the leg again except harder this time. “Just because I have an old man cane doesn't mean I bloody hit like one!” Now it's Newts turn to tease, Thomas rolls his eyes as dramatically as humanly possible before interlocking his fingers with Newts, allowing their hands to fall by their sides as they walk to their hut. 

-

Newt woke up to the sounds of quick and loud breathing that was not his own, unlike Newt who was laying on his side facing the brunette Thomas was laying on his back with his hands clenched tightly into fists breathing rapidly. Thomas always has had nightmares, he doesn't toss and turn or scream he just wakes up in a cold sweat unable to fall back asleep. As weeks pass his nightmares have become more and more frequent and intense, Newt rolls onto his stomach towards Thomas careful not to suddenly touch him so as to not scare him out of sleep, he slowly raises his hands to Thomas’s face cupping it softly, his touch feather light. 

His thumbs graze across his cheekbones in an attempt to coax him back to sleep, he reassures quietly that he's okay even though Thomas can't hear him. Sometimes, this works and Thomas falls back into a deep sleep but clearly tonight is not his night because Thomas's eyes flick open, his pupils jumping from side to side. His breathing and the rising and falling of his chest slowly return to normal before his dark eyes land on Newt's hazel ones, his lips part as he begins to speak before Newt's voice cuts him off promptly.

“Dont.”

“Why not?”

“There's nothing to be sorry for!” 

“I woke you up-!”

“I. Don't. Care. You. Dumb. Shank. how many times do I have to say it!” Newt whisper scolds him, holding his face tighter to somehow emphasise his point. They lay in this position for a moment, looking into eachothers eyes seeing who will crack first. Thomas knows Newt will win this argument because he always does, despite this he still continues to stare for a moment before pressing his lips into a tight line. 

“I'll get you one day.” Thomas teases with a cheeky grin, Newt hums sarcastically back before Thomas rolls his eyes. Thomas wraps his arms around Newt's waist and pulls him closer, Newt obliged happily, shuffling closer so his face was in the crook of Thomas's neck, his fingers intertwined in brunette hair. The world is yet to wake, a lack of birds chirping and people speaking signifying its nowhere near close to breakfast. The sky is yet to rise as the sky is a pale blue, almost grey. A soft light blankets them through the window next to their cot which is pushed against the right wall, Newt scratches Thomas's scalp, willing him to drift back into dreams. Soft waves crashing nearby accompany the sound of their out of time breathes, Newt smiles to himself at the thought of the water against his legs and the sand between his toes. He's never swam at the beach before, he's cleared to do so if the water is calm since he doesn't have too much trouble walking on his own for short periods of time. 

“I reckon there will be a beach or lake, wouldn't that be nice? I'll teach you to swim Tommy, I'll teach ya’ to swim. That's a promise love-”

The memory bounces in his brain, he still remembers the stickiness of blood in between his fingers and the smell of gunpowder that night. His once heavy bones and sleepy eyes come back to life at the realisation that he hasn't followed through on the promise he made. He pauses and listens to Thomas's breathing, his breathing is steady but not deep. Newt kisses the underside of Thomas’s jaw before questioning quietly 

“Tommy, you ‘sleep yet?” Newt can almost feel the smile radiating off the brunette once Newt kisses him. 

“Not yet, why?” Newt props himself up onto his elbows, moving away slightly. Thomas frowns at the loss of body heat and looks up at Newt with a raised brow. 

“I told you I was gonna teach ya to swim. C’mon, Up you get!” Newt announces, his voice picking up from a whisper to its normal volume. 

“Huh??” Thomas questions, making no effort to fight when Newt grabs him by the hands to pull him to his feet. Newt begins to rummage around in their large chest drawer, pulls out two pairs of trunks and throws one to Thomas. 

“You might not remember..” Newt started, turning around to face the shorter boy. When the promise was made Thomas was.. Not in a good state but there's a high chance he doesn't even remember, but Newt is a man of his word goddamnit! This boy will learn how to swim! It's not like he's going to fall back asleep anyway. Plus, they live on an island knowing how to swim would most probably be useful! Plus Newt gets to see Thomas in board shorts so that's a plus. 

“Right before you passed out.. I said I was going to teach you to swim.” he finished, his voice going sombre for a moment at the memory. Thomas looks away for a moment, searching for the memory before his eyes snap back to Newt once he remembers. Newt bites his tongue at the memory, he pauses for a moment before beginning to say “we don't have to-”

“No! No. it's a nice idea babe.” Thomas interrupts, and smiles genuinely. Newt can't help but smile back, any embarrassment or guilt pouring out of him at the sight. 

Twenty minutes later Newt and Thomas were hand in hand walking across the sand of the beach, their free arms draped with one towel each. Despite the fact Newt could have walked the distance between their hut and the beach just fine on his own, Thomas insisted on holding his hand “just in case” just as he does every other time he gets the chance. “Are you sure you’ll be ok?” Thomas asks for about the third time in the 5 minutes it took to make it to the sandy part of the island.

“Yes! Now hurry up before I push ya in!” Newt drops his towel to the ground and drags Thomas into the water, Thomas steps in hesitantly. Newt takes both of Thomas’s hands and walks backwards into the water, eventually they make it to a small part where it's deep enough so Newt can stand but Thomas, since he's a bit shorter, can practise swimming on his own. Newt gently explains the basics, how to keep yourself up right, how to swim around and take breaths as you do and holds up Thomas during his first few attempts and cheers when Thomas starts to get it. 

Newt feels relief flood his entire body, he did it. They did it. They survived. And now? They get to live. In this moment, the water up to his chest and sand in his hair he realises how grateful he is to be able to live. Not just survive. Hes felt grateful after surviving grievers, cranks, wicked, bombs, fire, gunshots and wounds but this? This is another type of gratitude. He's not just grateful for his heart that pumps blood through his veins and the bones in his body remaining unbroken, hes grateful to wake up to sunrises and watch sunsets, hes grateful to watch gally start to smile a bit more and scowl a little less, hes grateful to watch Minho's scars fade and notice how his collar bones no longer stick out. He's grateful for being able to hum to himself as he washes his mostly clean hair, he's grateful for books and flowers and good food, this feeling is strange and new but oh so welcomed. 

There are hard days, very very hard days filled with tears and shouting everything being a reminder of everything horrible but that's just it. It's all just a reminder. And those hard days are so worth it to experience all the good ones. All the good days filled with warmth and laughing and slow kisses because now he, no. Everyone has all the time in the world. Newt watches as Thomas becomes entranced with something, Newt feels the warmth of the sunrise on his back and he realises Thomas is looking at him. Newt stares back at him, he too becomes entranced with the other. 

Newts eyes trail across Thomas’s body and face, the way the sun bounces off his skin and how as the weeks have passed Thomas's has gained more and more freckles, how water has pulled strands of rich chocolate hair in front of his eyes, the way Thomas’s eyes swirl with a pure devotion Newt only understands because he feels the same unwavering, permanent devotion in his chest too. Newt holds his hand up to cup Thomas’s now wet face, he leans into the touch and Newt feels like he could dissolve into the ocean at the sight. Both boys close the distance at the same time, Thomas’s lips coated in saltwater and freedom.

They have all the time in the world.

Authors note: ITS DONE. IT IS FINALLY DONE. I BET ON LOSING DOGS IS OFFICALLY DONE. I'm actually so proud of this fic and i just want to say thank you to everyone who stuck around since the very first chapter and have supported me throughout this. this story is literally my baby. this is the longest fic i have written and have actually FINISHED and its an honor to be able to share it with all of you. i could not have done it without all of your support and encouragement. :)

also THREE FICS IN LESS THEN 2 DAYS??? damn yall are spoilt ROTTEN!! (happy to spoil yall hehehehehehehehe 😚)

FIRST CHAPTER - NEXT - PREVIOUS

[itsays]

going through the 2014 tumblr tag and realizing i no longer relate to any of it and how as a teen that was literally who i was, not to feel cool or edgy because that’s genuinely how terrible i felt and thinking damn how have i never been institutionalized 

[hotwings0203]

I feel like Dabi would be the type of dude who would bully you incessantly at the LOV and for the life of you you can’t figure out why. He’s always around you and making snarky comments or pulling your hair, trying to catch you messing up on missions. You’re sure he hates you, and you do well to stay out of his way, or sometimes when you feel bold you’ll offer a quip of your own. The bullying increases whenever you talk to other guys at the bar, especially when you make Tomura crack a smile, Dabi’s breathing down your neck the second your leader leaves, calling you terrible names and pushing past your boundaries.

Cw: language, nsfw, noncon, manga spoilers, some angst?

In a perfect world, Touya would not have been abandoned and rejected by his family. In a perfect world, Dabi would not exist, and Touya would be eating dinner with his family right now as he shows his little brother how to properly wield fire to its fullest extent.

But there was no such thing as a perfect world, and therefore Dabi did exist. And Dabi doesn’t care for anyone, or anything.

Or so he tells himself.

“Slut”

“Nothing but eye candy, and shitty eye candy at that”

It’s nothing you haven’t heard before, but it doesn’t make it any easier to ignore him

“What was that all about, huh? The fuck are you and crusty snickering about?”

Fed up with his continuous antics, you decide to mouth off a little too.

“Oh nothing, just talking about how adorable you and Hawks would make as a couple. And wipe that sneer off your face, it looks like some of your staples fell out of your mouth.”

It’s nothing too snarky, but in a second he’s shoving you in some dark room, forearm pinned against your throat as his hand is lit up with blue flames merely inches away from you, snarling in your face.

“You wanna be funny, bitch? I got jokes of my own too, why dont I show you what happens to dumb little girls who don’t know their fucking place? I think that would be real funny.”

But his hand is stopped from drawing near your wide eyes when you both hear Twice and Toga calling everyone for their next meeting.

He pushes you away from him, giving you a murderous look over his shoulder as he leaves the room, not paying mind to the way you slide down the wall in the dark.

You take extra precaution to try avoiding him for the next few days, not even making eye contact with him when you two get teamed up for tasks. He never mentions the room incident, if anything he acts as if it never happens. It’s like whiplash for you, he tries to weirdly talk to you more but all you offer him is mumbles and hums of agreement.

The conversation is never long, but it starts to be less talk of degrading you and more of begrudging questioning of what you’ve been up to. You never engage, opting to pretend like you never heard him, and strangely enough he leaves it be.

You give him a side eye one day as he joins you at the bar (much to your discontent), downing your glass just to fill another.

He says nothing as he slides into the stool right next to you, and pours a glass of whiskey for himself as well.

It’s awkwardly silent, you’re not sure if you should leave or not, but you’d be damned if you try to initiate small talk with this psycho.

But then, he speaks.

“Is Shigaraki sending you on the mission to get that UA kid?”

His gravely voice rumbles and cracks from his usual lack of use, and he clears his throat after he talks.

“No.”

“Oh.”

This is excruciating, you think to yourself as he mulls over the drink in his hand for a silent minute or two.

Toga calls you over thankfully at the exact same moment, and you breathe out an inaudible sigh of relief as you slip off the stool to join her.

“Wait-“ Dabi grabs your arm and you flinch out of instinct, expecting a slap or a burn to come from him.

He sees your reaction and shakes his head dismissively, letting you go and muttering a “Nevermind”. You don’t ponder over it as you trip over your own feet to join the eccentric blond.

A week passes, and then two. With each day you maneuver your way around him, request to be partnered up with different people in private, and busy yourself in random tasks. Every time you pass him by the bar he lifts his head from whatever he’s doing and tries to maintain eye contact with you, even going so far as to open his mouth to say or ask god-knows-what.

You try to ignore the foreign hopeful glint in his glacial eyes as you walk right past him, ducking your head as you do so.

It drives Dabi crazy.

He can’t handle any more rejection, he thought his family would be the last straw for him to ever want recognition or love validation from again. He wants to talk to you, to hear your voice as it snaps back with witty comebacks of your own that he secretly enjoys so much, even if it means he has to force it out of you with hateful words. He wants to feel your hair underneath his scarred hands, even if he has to mask the soft wanting of you in forms of yanking the strands. He wants nothing more than to see your eyes fill up with no other sight than him and think only of him, even if it means he has to corner you and scare you into submission.

But your silence is something he’s not used to.

Well, to be fair, you weren’t silent completely, but the only sentences he was hearing from you nowadays was when you were speaking to Shigaraki or the other League members.

You were the only idiot who didn’t notice the smoke curling from his nostrils and ears comically when he’d finally see you stop your stoic act just to open up to other men apart from him. Spinner, Twice, and Compress backed off almost immediately from talking to you for too long when they’d see the look on his face as he watched you surrounded by them, but Tomura would merely smirk from behind your shoulders and keep a level gaze with his subordinate, knowing fully well why he was so pissed off.

You began to notice the weird energy at the base soon after the rest of the men would keep curt conversations with you in comparison to your long talks about video games, sex, and life after you would all win the war.

So you thought it would be best to ask the most semi-normal person there that wasn’t fueled with testosterone and aggression.

“I just don’t get it, why are they all being weird? I mean, we all used to talk so much and now they just...try avoiding me. Except for Tomura of course, he’s still normal I guess. But he always has this smirk on his face when I’m with him and I can’t figure out why.”

Toga stops cleaning her blood-laced needle to give you a sly look, all fangs and glinting white.

“And Dabi?”

“What about him?”

She sits back on her haunches and cocks her head at you. “You really don’t know what’s happening here, do ya?”

“No,” you roll your eyes in exasperation. “But I’ll gladly take any theories here, since apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t get it.”

“He likes you.”

You gape at her for a moment and then burst out laughing.

“What? That’s crazy, he doesn’t like me, he hates me!” He can barely stand being in a room with me, all he does is talk shit and harass me.”

The blond curiously licks at a bead of red from the top of the weapon and you cringe when her own tongue rips from the sharp point.

“You say he can’t stand being in a room with you, so then why is it that he’s always there? He might talk shit, but he talks to you out of everyone else right? Regardless of if it’s something mean.”

You’re thoroughly flabbergasted. She had a point, but it was too much to wrap your head around. She cheerfully hums and gets up to flounce around the room, cleaning her already-tidy room up to a T.

“And that little silent treatment act you’re giving him isn’t helping either. I swear, Jin told me Dabi almost burned his mouth off that one day you, him and Spinner were talking about GTA. He totally cornered the poor guy and threatened his life if he didn’t stop talking to you.”

“You’re joking.”

“Am not. He wanted to do the same to Tomura but I figure he wants to keep his job, so he won’t. Doesnt make it any better for him when you’re all chummy with the one person Dabi can’t stand the most, though.”

No wonder your leader was so smug whenever you two were in the same room, your attention solely focused on him.

You run your hands down your face, moaning about the whole situation being fucked. It’s just your luck that you couldn’t take a clue, but to be fair, how could you? Being called worthless and a waste of space wasn’t exactly what you had in mind for flirty banter.

“Soooo what’re you gonna do now? I heard he’s gonna try talking to you for realsies like, tomorrow or something.”

“Tomorrow?” You yelp, jumping up to your feet. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I can’t face him!”

“Oops,” she giggles, twirling with outstretched arms around her room and falling down onto her bed.

“Oh god, I can’t do this. I don’t even know if I like him! He’s such an ass, and even when he tries to come off as normal he’s just so..unsettling. I don’t think I’ve ever had a good conversation with him.”

Toga props her elbow up to rest her chin on her hand, frowning in thought.

“Why not just tell him how you feel?”

You snort and fold your arms. “Yeah, because the psycho arsonist is really gonna take the word no well.”

“Hmm.. I see what you mean. Oh well, whatever you choose, I’ll support you!”

And with that she skips out of the room sing songing for Twice to make a clone for her.

You were fucked.

And sure enough, the next day he approaches you, hands stuffed in his pockets and an almost bored look on his face.

“Yo newbie, I gotta talk to you for a second. Come with me”.

You look blearily up at him through eye bags and mussed hair, a direct telling of your sleepless night. Your stomach drops when you hear his words, but you nod your head and take a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself of the speech you practiced till the sun rose.

No one else is bothering you both today, Shigaraki having gone to visit All For One and the rest of the League left to their own devices. It was something you weren’t so comfortable with, but you doubted a hero would come to save you.

He leads you through the short winding hallways, each step of his growing louder and heavier as the space started growing smaller. Finally, he reaches a dimly lit room and stops outside the door, gesturing for you to go in with a casual wave of his patched wrist.

“After you.”

You raise an unsure eyebrow at his uncharacteristic show of consideration, and do as he says. You’re sweating bullets, fists balled so that your nails are digging into your palms, and vision going in and out of focus as your eyes begin to adjust to your surroundings.

A loud bang pulls you out of your stupor, and you whip around at the sound.

Dabi is already staring back at you with lidded eyes, leaning his weight against the door, his arms crossing over each other.

You shift on both feet, picking at your nails nervously.

“So, what did you wanna talk about?”

He says nothing, but just observes you, his head slightly tilted as if you were some abstract art piece.

“Dabi.”

“You got a lot of nerve, y’know that?”

He pushes himself off the wall and advances slowly towards you, hands stuffed in his trench coat pockets.

You immediately back up with raised palms, sputtering indignantly at his offensive movements coming closer and closer. However you thought his ‘confession’ would go, this was most definitely not starting out like how you planned

“Excuse me? What’re you talking about-“

“I know what you’re doing. You think whoring yourself out to ol’ crusty and the rest of the guys here is gonna make everyone forget just how useless you actually are. What the fuck do you even do here? You fuck up half the missions which I have to come bail your ass out of, you constantly put us in jeopardy by being all friendly with everyone, and you can’t even keep your mouth shut when I need to let off a little steam, as I rightfully should.”

In a perfect world, Dabi would be the light of your eyes, the hero of your world. In a perfect world, Dabi would be able to hold your hand in his smooth one and tell you that he wants you so much that it impairs his rational judgement and makes him say things he doesn’t mean. He’d tell you that your presence is like a weight lifted off his chest, your presence means he doesn’t have to think or worry about the outside world, he just wants you all to himself without anyone interfering.

But this is not a perfect world, and Dabi is not a hero, but rather one of the worst villains.

So he does exactly what one does as a villain.

Instead of a loving look that he knows he’s incapable of, Dabi looks down into your horrified gaze as he traps you against the wall between his scarred arms, spewing misplaced venom at you.

“I don’t know what your problem is, but you need to chill out. First you go ballistic on me ‘cause I talked to Tomura for no reason, then you act all weird and quiet as if you’re some decent person, and now you think you can just bring me in here and tell me how worthless I am? Go fuck yourself, seriously.”

You scoff and make your way to push him but stop when he does what he did a couple weeks ago. You hold bated breath as he casually brings an inflamed hand to scratch at his face as if he can’t feel the hellfire emitting from it, and let out a whine of distress as he lowers his head mere inches from yours, lips almost touching.

“Stop talking to the rest of the guys,” he breaths. “Stop smiling, laughing, or going near anyone who isn’t me.”

You wonder if he knows how insane he sounds. He does, but that’s nothing he doesn’t know already. If anything, it solidifies in his mind that if he is to be as bad as the world has made him out to be, then he is acting exactly fit for the role.

“Why?”

“I don’t need to give sluts like you a reason. It should come as easy, right? What’s putting out for one more person?”

Your eyes are brimming with tears now, your stoic facade showing cracks as you sniffle a little bit.

He eats it up and groans watching salty rivers cascade down your cheeks. Suddenly, he feels as though he can no longer hold back anymore, he feels as though if he thinks for one more second he’ll combust.

So, acting on instinct, he surges forward and presses his lips against yours, swallowing your cries of distress and holding your hands above your head in midst of them frantically beating on his chest.

Your lips are so, so soft compared to his and it’s making him sink deeper into this instinctual daze. He puffs against your writhing lips as he thrusts his hot tongue in your mouth.

You try to bite him but when his hands heat up against your skin you resign to your fate and wail, allowing him to pull his hips flush against yours and start humping your thighs.

He draws back and bites your lips, teeth clacking against yours as he does so. You open your terrified eyes and blanch when you see the look on his face.

Lust is clearly drawn everywhere, from his blown pupils to his heaving chest, all the way to his flushed face and wild eyes. He looks as though he’s about to eat you alive and it’s appropriate that you feel like a lamb about to be slaughtered.

“Dabi, wait, please stop-“

But he cuts your pants off again in favor of slamming his hips against yours again and grinding impossibly hard on your legs, the friction of his jeans catching on your clothed cunt and forcing a mewl out of you.

“I’m not gonna stop. I’ve had enough of you teasing. You’re mine now, and if it takes burning our dear leader alive and this whole place down for you to understand that then I’ll fucking do it.”

He thought that terrorizing you would ease the empty feeling in his heart, that continuously berating you would force him to see you as what he always said you were, just another empty headed cunt. He thought that distancing himself from you and focusing on other things would make him forget about the soft feelings he longed to share with you, feelings he thought perished in the fire he was in when he was a young boy .

Even now, there is an ache in his chest as he hears you beg for him to stop, to let you go, that you’re sorry for whatever you did.

But this is not a perfect world, and not everyone gets their way in life.

You should really learn that, because Dabi already has.

And so Dabi will act accordingly to what life has put out before him .

[kinardgo]

Is everything changes worth reading? I took a brief look a while ago but i didn't have the stamina for it.

this is a very complex answer to what is probably a pretty simple question but also i have quite intense feelings about this fic.

if you are easily triggered by discussions of rape or physical abuse, depictions of emotional abuse, and probably depictions of abuse specifically in a health care enviroment, this is not ideal for you. like just off the get go, this fic can be a HEAVY read.

that aside, i love EC. i love that it's SO long, i love what it's about, i love that someone truly took the time to do this degree of research and actually write this. i have a lot of feelings about fanfic in general but EC really encapsulates everything i love about it. i've done a pro and con list because a) i think it's handy to know what you're going into ans b) i love talking about EC.

(this is.... uh.... long) (no real spoilers, just some insinuations)

pros

one of the best depictions i have ever seen of the reality of mental illness. there's no fix. there's no quick solution. and even if there is a small hint of 'love fixes all', it never actually does. seb has ptsd, and he relapses several times. he gets frustrated over it. it's incredibly imperfect and actually, extremely real. recovery is portrayed much closer to reality than i have seen in almost any other form of media hands down. i suppose the downside to this is that the narrative of recovery can be quite arduous to read but as i'll discuss below, if you read EC the way i do (and assume others do) that's not an issue.

(also: recovery from physical injury??? miss georgia where did you get your medical degree i have to KNOW)

the attention to detail is genuinely?? insane?? and again, yes, having every detail mapped out (like, down to each overtake) can be a slog to read but it's so real. in other stories, if a character is eats toast instead of cereal for breakfast, chances are, there's a reason, but there's a real sense of the natural chaos of life in EC because characters have bad days and think random things and have preferences that never impact the story, they're just... there. this is probably not to everyone's tastes but i find it utterly fascinating to see all the aspects of people written down and documented and maybe mentioned?? a million words later?? it's such a strange way to write but it's SO effective.

speaking of: the characters are imperfect in a way that never suggests that they are morally evil. real people have awful thoughts, they think bad things about their coworkers and daydream about shagging the neighbour. in one scene, seb's parents react BADLY to a bit of news and it's awful and uncomfortable to read but it's never suggested that they're bad people for it.

oc's that i genuinely dont know are real people or not until i google it because they're so well developed.

THE SLANGGGGGG. fuck my entire ass, georgia_k either grew up in a british-german-aussie household or has done enough research to qualify them for an honourary doctorate from oxford. the consistent use of british slang from british characters and the way mark and seb slowly start influencing each others's language i am simply in fucking awe, tolkein is writing notes as we speak.

lewis hamilton characterisation that lewis hamilton himself could not write. crazy because he's a side character but they really nailed this dude in this fic.

cons

the quality of writing isn't the best (up to chapter 120 - this fic has been written over eight years so i fully believe and have seen the quality get better which makes sense because who doesnt improve over a decade and honestly my fics from eight years ago i would rather die than let see the light of day so this isnt really a criticism)

the characterisation of some of the characters is.... not to my tastes. mark especially. that being said, if you like martian and you like hurt/comfort, this would not be a deal breaker. it's not how i envision some of them to be, but it's very cathartic to read.

the sex scenes are...... also not to my personal taste. also why did georgia_k decide that seb cannot ride dick??? like he fully goes for thirty seconds then his legs give out fgdfgshsj sorry but why did they do that professional athlete so dirty like that

the way the pov changes either once every 1000 words or once a paragraph can be extremely jarring.

none of this negates the fact that this fic is longer than seb's ass in thicc, however, i encourage you to look at EC less like a book and more like a tv show with a million series. you really?? dont have to read the whole thing?? there are natural breaks in the narrative that you can very easily stop at without actually missing out on anything. my first read i think i got to chapter 100 and then lost steam. when i went back to reread, i only read up to the 'get together'. the next time, i skipped to another major plot point and started there. dont be intimidated by the length, be intimidated by how much you're going to be invested in mark webber's fictional house keeper visiting her son in canada over the holidays.

TL;DR: fuck yeah you should read everything changes

thank u for enabling my nonsense <3

[ichiners]

This is an old post of mine from a little over a year ago. I still like it so im going to post it here. @hekatekun you are briefly mentioned towards the end since this was posted on fb heheheehehh

Small rambly post about Osomatsu and how he's the dominant personality

Osomatsu is usually one of people’s least favorite brother. Totty is almost always last but Osomatsu is usually second to last, because again people don’t know what to do with him. Osomatsu has gone up in popularity quite a bit over the years, especially since the show has started to make him interact with Kara+Ichi a lot more. We have their dynamics clearly shown to us with the two fan favorites, and it turn Osomatsu benefits from that.

But people still don’t quite get him. Even if you don’t think he’s boring he lacks a gimmick. He’s usually the “plain” brother. But thats whats so interesting about him!!!!! THIS IS AN OBJECTIVE FACT!!!!! OSOMATSU IS AN INTERESTING CHARACTER!!!!! IF YOU DON’T THINK HE’S INTERESTING YOU MISSED THE POINT OF HIS CHARACTER!

A few days ago I made a chart as a joke explaining that Osomatsu is the blueprint for everyone else because he is. For a long time Osomatsu led them, and I imagine until late middle school/early highschool the other five never bothered branching out. They were all carbon copies of osomatsu. They were when they were 10. I have no reason to believe they also wouldn’t follow him until they realize *its weird* to have five identical brothers and also act Exactly the same. They were doing the identical act up until highschool!! Only when they were ostracized by their peers did they see being identical and being so tightly interwoven with each other a bad thing. They reconciled as adults, and now that tight web has turned into a complicated mess that none of them want to deal with.

You can basically break down Osomatsu to THREE traits, as shown in the chart. There is more to him but if you really need a quick summary its those three.

Now u might be thinking depressed? Osomatsu isn’t depressed!! Because im calling my fucking sister out right now who looked at me like i was fucking crazy when i suggested osomatsu is depressed. Because he is. He’s just good at repressing his emotions. His *true* emotions, the ones that require him to not act like a petty asshole. The ones that require him to think critically. He doesnt want to think about it! He doesnt want to grow up! Hes emotionally immature and he wants to be comfortable for as long as he can put off abstract concepts such as “the real world” and “being an adult”.

We are shown he hasn’t changed at ALL since highschool and its been at Least 5 years since he’s graduated highschool. But its probably closer or past 10. And is still literally the same.

Hes so selfish and needy that he is WILLING TO TAKE YOU DOWN WITH HIM! TO PRESERVE HIS OWN FEELINGS ABOUT A SITUATION. Its his way or the highway. And thats how he treats his brothers. Thats why s1e24 felt so black and white. Everyone was yelling like “why dont they just live together! They dont have to separate like that!” And thats obvious to like real people lol but not to these manchildren.....not these guys who

A.) have no frame of reference. They dont know how to be adults and B.) have such toxic dependency on each other that they feel the only way to “grow up” is to be alone despite that being bad for their mental health...

And it was...because they ended up coming back home the next episode. Yeah episode 25 was played off as a joke but if osomatsu was 15% more serious we wouldve seen them come back anyways. Staff just likes to play hehe funny pranks and not give us any serious conclusions to nearly anything.

Anyways 📷

Mars explained this really nicely and ive been thinking about it ever since: Osomatsu is the original (and dominant) personality, and the other five are struggling (and failing) to get out from under his shadow. I wouldnt say he’s a tyrant, but both Episode 24s, and their focus on Osomatsu specifically.......its obvious hes a huuge part of the reason for the rest of the matsu’s characterization. Despite there being no real reason for it, what Osomatsu says goes. There’s so much bickering because it was like that for a long time and Osomatsu still is an instigator.