#THEY DON'T WANT TO LEARN THEY DON'T WANT TO ENGAGE WITH ANYTHING THEY DON'T WANT TO LIVE THEY JUST WANT TO CONSUME AND TALK
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Omg hey! Thanks for taking the time to engage/share your thoughts even though you don't fully agree, I really appreciate it. And I don’t really disagree with you here, I just want to reply with my thoughts since you raised some interesting points!
Learned behaviors vs experiential gap: Absolutely the empathy/emotions thing is my weak link here, I'd call it a shameless projection that isn't necessarily supported by but consistent with canon lol. The only part I'd be reluctant to concede is the low empathy thing, but ultimately, an alternative interpretation where he's just really damn good at repressing is viable as well!
The learned behavior interpretation as you put it definitely makes sense, and I get the impression that it's more popular too. Kokichi's a really confusing guy and I think the interpretations we find most intuitive are probably going be the ones that relate his thought process to experiences we're familiar with, because that helps us grasp some semblance of humanity within him. All this to say I don't think there's anything that makes my explanation any better than yours; like you said, the truth is ambiguous, and I think it's best to gather as many different plausible interpretations as possible even if they don't lead to an "answer," because it lets us appreciate his writing and our relationship to our own interpretations. So I really appreciate you taking the time to put your version in words!
Gonta: On a similar note, I've basically lost hope that we'll ever know for certain what was going on in Kokichi's head here — and in spite of my giant footnote, I don't actually have a well-formed opinion myself — but I really like your point that his words gave Gonta peace of mind. Ironically I think I overlooked that angle because I didn't see a pragmatic reason to do anything solely for Gonta's benefit, since at this point Gonta's fate is sealed and his emotional state has no bearing on the future (aside from its effect on others, which has pretty much already maxed out with 'pity'). But consideration for the truth Gonta sees in his final moments makes total sense from the perspective of a Kokichi who's more emotionally 'typical,' and your interpretation is compelling; it gives more weight to the specific words he says, rather than just anything plausible to mislead people on why he's crying... I'll definitely have to think that over after this.
Paranoia: Another great point that I completely failed to address. I agree he's a little paranoid, or at least a reasonable amount of paranoid given the game they're in. Subbing that in as the cause of emotional disconnection in my analysis is really interesting... At the very least, I agree that paranoia would definitely add to the impression that these are all sham conversations. Though to confidently form an opinion on this I'd have to go back and look at the lies he tells in the killing game versus everyday life with that lens. My current impression is that his lying is too deeply ingrained to have developed situationally, so if I took his social detachment as a result of paranoia then I'd have to conclude that Kokichi is constantly paranoid. Which is not my opinion, but I'm sure it could be argued. In that case, in an everyday environment, the 'low empathy/emotion' version of Kokichi mostly neglects to tell people about himself because he doesn't care, while the 'learned behavior' + paranoia version actively avoids people knowing anything about him. Neither is an explanation of his lying per se, but the former would facilitate his compulsive lying, while the latter might not facilitate lying but does create a stronger motivation to lie.
Here and in other cases, I think a lot of the difference between these two headcanons just comes down to how good you think Kokichi is at acting and ignoring his emotions. 'Low empathy' Kokichi doesn't actually fight his instincts much, at least until shit really hits the fan, and that’s part of why that explanation appeals to me. Meanwhile 'learned behavior' Kokichi is frequently suppressing his instincts, successfully enough that I almost have trouble imagining someone being able to act that well (grain of salt, that’s *definitely* a blind spot for me - and more importantly, he is an Ultimate so I can’t put any kind of talent past him). My own reservations aside, the interpretation of Kokichi as someone naturally social who constantly has to fight his instincts definitely has its own merit; it’s emotionally compelling (in a pretty unique way that’s very different from mine) and probably more accessible as well.
Well, hope you didn't mind me writing an essay response to your response to my essay here lmao. I'm definitely starting to appreciate how challenging it is to figure this guy out; it's almost the opposite of the SDR2 problem, where Komaeda tells you his mindset from the get-go but the game never gives you a moment to recontextualize his actions after his death. V3 points at Kokichi and goes look, a mystery! we must recontextualize his actions! and then proceeds to give us basically nothing to go off of. All I can really aim to do is propose something with consistent internal logic, and I'm very glad if you think I managed to do that.
Again thanks for the rb, it's a treat to get such a long comment on my analysis!!
Character analysis: Why does Kokichi lie?
I think lying is more than just a means to an end for Kokichi, so this is my personal understanding of Kokichi's habitual lying, centered on the headcanon that he experiences his own emotions very weakly.
In a vain attempt to make this post more streamlined, I've isolated most textual examples into footnotes at the bottom; probably only read them if you don’t buy what I’m saying in the sentence prior. Lastly, if you disagree with something I say here and choose to make it known: probably read the footnotes first, and regardless please just be nice about it :')
"If I wanna become closer to Shuichi, I probably shouldn't lie so much... But that's my shtick... or more like, my way of life..." (Kokichi's inner thoughts from Salmon Team)
Small lies vs Big lies
To start this off, I need to clarify that there's (at least) two very different kinds of Kokichi lies. First are the “big” lies, like being the mastermind or lies about the nature of DICE. Big lies are consistent, told with a “straight face,” and well thought-out, because they usually serve some kind of strategic purpose [e.g. footnote 1]. But those aren't the kind of lies I'm aiming to explain here, because they're already well discussed and follow a pretty understandable logic.
I'm focusing on what I call "small" or compulsive lies: trivial claims & performed emotions that are usually not believed for long, either because they’re too outlandish or because he or someone else disproves them. For example, sobbing that he hates coffee and then asking for a cup of coffee; or telling the seance participants he's "actually super duper strong," despite knowing full well they're about to watch him struggle to carry the iron cage [more ex. in note 2]. Most of Kokichi's lies fall into this category imo, especially in low-stakes environments like Salmon Team and UTDP. Unlike big lies, "small" lies are somewhat unique to Kokichi, he tells/performs them constantly regardless of context, and they don’t serve a very clear purpose.
Masking
I think Kokichi got very good at performing emotions from a young age in order to mask the fact that he doesn't experience empathy or other emotions very strongly. And maybe that sounds like a very specific headcanon, but just stick with me here... [and/or see note 3 for one line of evidence]. Failing to emote convincingly would’ve not only made it difficult to exist in everyday society, but it probably would’ve put an even bigger target on his back as a criminal, too… So yeah, he learned.
But as it turns out, spending an (admittedly very short) lifetime pretending to have emotions you don’t actually have is a fantastic way to:
Start feeling detached from the people around you,
Start seeing everyone else as suckers for buying it, and
Very quickly lose any moral qualms about lying — after all, people would attack him from every direction if he was honest about his feelings towards them (or lack thereof), so how is it fair that they want to punish him for lying, too? There’s just no winning!
My interpretation boils down to this: Kokichi lies compulsively because he is deeply bored, and the kick he gets out of deceiving people is one of the only things he finds consistently rewarding about talking to them. Most social interactions already feel like lies to him because he is constantly forced to mask, so he might as well tell fun lies about being a supervillain instead of boring, easy lies about wanting to be friends with everyone.
(Continued under the cut)
Not all lies are strategic
I think it's easy to assume at first that the only reason to lie is for some sort of material influence: changing others' behavior or hiding undesirable truths, either for your own selfish gain or the greater good. Definitely, there is a purpose like that for most of Kokichi's "big" lies, and even some of his "small" ones (e.g. the kind of short-lived lies both he and Shuichi tell in order to advance the Class Trials). But even in retrospect, not every lie he tells can be explained with an external motivation like that, selfish OR unselfish.
I think telling "small" lies is more of a habit for Kokichi than a strategic choice, something he can't quit even when it becomes an actively bad strategy (hence "compulsive"). But if you’re already with me on this, feel free to just skip to the next section :P
A. Small lies aren't meant to be believed.
I don't think Kokichi tells lies in order to actually mislead people most of the time — because if he wanted people to believe his small lies, then he wouldn't be constantly retracting them. Many (or even most) of his small lies are soon followed up with “It’s a lie!”, either literally or by demonstrating/implying that it’s untrue [e.g. note 2 again]. [For some possible exceptions to this rule, see note 4].
Fig 1: Kokichi struggling not to give himself away after Monotarou believes his outlandish lie (V3 manga anthology). While I think this instance is a bit exaggerated, it nicely draws attention to the fact that he enjoys revealing his own lies.
By Kokichi's own doing, there is often a net 0 change in what people believe by the time they reach the end of a conversation with him. E.g. Kaede doesn't walk away from their FTE thinking Kokichi is her long-lost companion, Shuichi doesn't walk away from Salmon Team thinking Kokichi is obsessed with dumpster diving, etc. This suggests that Kokichi's not trying to change the perceived truth, he's just interested in the momentary act of tricking people.
B. Kokichi doesn’t tell small lies to alter his social standing, for better OR for worse.
I think the first half of this is self evident — I mean, if he was trying to gain status, he's doing a terrible job! He is aware of what behavior is required to make people like you and listen to you, and he is patently not doing that.Â
You might then argue that he’s doing the opposite: intentionally bombing his reputation to build up to Ch.5 so that people would readily believe he’s the mastermind. While I do think his annoying lies ended up helping on that front, I don’t think his mastermind plan is the cause of this behavior, because...
Firstly, we still see him lie constantly in contexts where there's no clear advantage to being hated (UTDP, Salmon Team).
Secondly: Crying wolf is one of many great strategies to make people hate you... but it is a uniquely terrible strategy to make people believe you. If you were really going to create an evil mastermind persona out of thin air, "pretending to be a lying attention-seeker" is just not the most logical way to go about it; that would only make it harder for you to convince people that you're actually being serious when you do the big reveal that you're the mastermind [for a note on Junko, see 5]. That's why I don't think the compulsive liar thing is an act; instead the evil persona we see in game is just the result of leaning into traits people already disliked about him. The reason he tells so many meaningless small lies during the killing game is just that he already was, and is, a compulsive liar.
Again, there are some "big" lies, lies he doesn't go back on, that he tells in order to tank his reputation (e.g. "The more you suffer, the more I enjoy it"). But those big lies aren't enhanced at all by the fact that he walks around telling people the sky is green, you know? That might make people hate him, but it's not the wisest way to do so while still maintaining control over people.
Finally, regarding the argument that he tanks his credibility in order to mask his own emotions, see note [6].
So, with all that said... Why even tell these lies, if they don't give him more control over the situation, his classmates, or the truth?
Boredom
I believe Kokichi’s small lies are primarily driven by boredom. Yes, his complaints of boredom are probably meant to tie him to Junko (narratively) and justify enjoying the killing game. But I do think he’s also genuinely, chronically bored. Just because he doesn’t have vivid emotions doesn’t mean his brain isn’t expecting him to have vivid emotions, if that makes sense, so there’s just a constant lack of stimulus that leaves him restless.
On that note, I think it's difficult for him to maintain interest in everyday conversations. There's not usually a lot at stake for him, because he doesn't feel much about the people around him, and isn't interested in pretending that he does just so they can feel "connected" to a version of him that doesn't actually exist [but see 7].
It doesn't matter to him which path he takes when navigating everyday social interactions, so if he has to get through those interactions anyway, he's going to take the road less traveled. Pointing fingers, confessing to murder, and spontaneously bursting into tears… it’s not usually to accomplish anything in particular. It's more like doing backflips in an empty prison cell: equally as useless as rotting on the floor, but marginally more entertaining.
Fig 2: Kokichi consciously using lies to entertain himself. His dissatisfaction with the lie appears to be unrelated to whether or not it was believed; I suspect this is because the claim was so mundane that convincing Shuichi of it wouldn't have been very impressive in the first place.
But what's actually fun about lying?
I think this constant need for entertainment is what motivates a lot of Kokichi's social behaviors, not just lying. But he clearly has a special relationship with lies in particular. I think this is partially because of his perception of himself as "fake" (in the literal sense), but more importantly because lies are a versatile, challenging, and (relatively) harmless way to get reactions out of people.
Lying poses creative and intellectual challenges: Introducing lies basically doubles the amount of social calculations required to participate in conversation [elaboration in note 8].
Lying creates artificial stakes by reimagining ordinary conversations as competitions. By playing a game of "how many times can I fool this person in one sitting?" he creates an internal motivation to engage in conversation and perform social behaviors convincingly (at least, for short periods of time). External pressures like “being liked” aren’t usually enough to motivate that.
Lying allows him to emotionally occupy extreme scenarios without actually creating extreme scenarios. If he wants to raise tensions high enough that he can actually feel them, lying is one of the less destructive ways to do so, because it's entirely verbal (including body language, that is) and thus avoids material risk/harm. Now that's not to say it doesn't hurt people [e.g. note 9]. In fact, that's often the point; I wouldn't call him a sadist in the traditional sense, but there is something gratifying about triggering twinges of guilt and empathy in yourself if you don't normally have access to those feelings.
All this to say, Kokichi's habitual small lies aren't driven by a desire to create genuine misunderstandings, or to make people do what he wants [note 10]. I think what he actually seeks from social situations is little bursts of catharsis from witnessing other people’s emotions, and the feeling of control or "winning" that comes solely from being able to deceive them and get those reactions.Â
Going "it's a lie!" right after is a really important part of this. It's a punchline, a tiny power trip, a kind of "Bingo!" he can use to declare victory. He doesn't necessarily want people to believe what he said, he just wants them to know that he totally got them and he'll do it again. Because what’s even the point of coming up with all these lies if people are just going to believe them and obliviously move on?
Lying as satire
Finally, and I’ll admit my thoughts on this aren’t quite as fleshed out, but I almost imagine Kokichi's lies as a form of satire, given that one of the few things he seems genuinely (?) passionate about is his right to lie. That is to say, it means something to him, in addition to being internally rewarding. He's had to present a false persona of himself from day one, after all — but now that he's a self-proclaimed bad guy, there's a lot less pressure to do it well. Performing those social behaviors in random, nonsensical patterns, and telling lies that feel just as true as the "honest conversation" he's learned to fake... it's like a form of indignant social button-mashing. It doesn't really matter if his performance conveys a coherent image of a person or not, because it was always arbitrary to him in the first place, you know?
….And I think I'm just going to stop myself there before this gets any longer. Tysm for reading!!!! <3
Disclaimer
…Actually that was a lie, let me get on my soapbox real quick. I think it's safe to say this essay hinges on Kokichi having some form of neurodivergence, however you want to label it. Personally I see him as having some antisocial traits, but I didn’t want to make that a silver bullet, and I thought it’d make more sense to just take the specific traits I see in him and work backwards from there. With that in mind, I want to make it abundantly clear that I don’t mean to assign any moral value to emotions. I can’t say this headcanon is entirely based on my own experiences, but there's a reason I connect with it, and I don't think anyone should be judged or labeled inhuman for emotions they do or do not have.
Moreover, while I explicitly take the stance that his emotions are morally neutral, I am explicitly NOT taking a stance on the morality of his behaviors. My intention here was just to explain them logically. Between you and me, just trust that I'm a Kokichi enjoyer and I did my best to consider things from his perspective.
Credits
Game screencaps from justonegamr and JakkHearts on Youtube. Manga screencap from Mangadex.
I also want to plug this analysis by @/g0nta-g0kuhara — I'm honestly not sure how much of my analysis aligns with/borrows from theirs, but it's definitely one of the posts that informs my current understanding of Kokichi, so it'd feel weird not to at least mention it. Consider giving it a read!
Finally, shout out to @thedaythatwas for peer reviewing this meta!!
Footnotes
These were mostly off the top of my head, so if I got anything wrong, feel free to (again, nicely) point it out ^^;
 “Big lies serve a strategic purpose” Big lies are also what I'd call the "normal" type of lies, just like Maki's Child Caregiver lie, or Komaeda's fake bomb threat — they're meant to be believed and to influence people's decisions. Examples of Kokichi's "big lies": those he tells in order to impersonate the Mastermind (e.g. claiming he loves the killing game); lies to Miu (being oblivious to her murder plot) and Gonta (believing the Killing Game Busters is a good idea) for his Ch.4 scheme, and debatably DICE lies to protect himself and his Ultimate title (though for these I also think he just gets a kick out of trying to juggle such a big lie for so long).
“Small lies” An example of an "emotional" small lie is the times he bursts out crying; he's not necessarily making false claims, but his actions communicate feelings he doesn't have, and most of the time he'll follow up by reverting to a bored expression thus implicitly confessing to the lie. His claim that he can’t taste food is also a pretty good example of a verbal lie: it’s random, difficult to believe, and he immediately follows it up by saying he likes sweet and spicy things. (That last part was definitely intended to imply he was lying, but whether or not he was lying about lying depends on your hc… I personally choose to believe that he has a weak sense of taste and relies on “interesting” textures like carbonation, because I think it parallels my take on his reduced emotions in a fun way.) +++ For further examples, the majority of Kokichi's Salmon Team events are just him spouting random bullshit and then immediately taking it back.
"One line of evidence for reduced empathy/emotions": His thought process often reads to me like someone with low empathy; and his ability to rapidly switch between extreme emotional performances and total flatness suggests that, in his natural form, his internal reactions are either dull or don’t automatically reflect on his face. For example, when Kokichi "gets real" during trials, his expression often goes blank and he comes off as overly blunt/pragmatic (“Everything you said is total BS… You didn't give two shits about Tenko when she was alive." "How do you expect to find the culprit when you're all worried about each other's feelings?" "Why do you guys hate lies so much? […] And some of them are only white lies, or lies to be kind to people…") They're delivered flatly (voice/sprites, and phrasing to a lesser extent) and express frustration with people's hypocrisy around social norms. To me these are moments when he gets so fed up with the social dance taking everyone in circles that he has to step out for a second and drop the mask, even knowing that his true self will make people see him as inhuman. (I probably shouldn’t have to clarify, but for the record I say all this as someone with low empathy myself.) +++++ALSO: I want to credit @/g0nta-g0kuhara's meta for pointing out that Kokichi's expression goes flat in (different) honest moments - linked in credits above - although I ultimately interpret this in a slightly different way for his character.
"Some exceptions to the 'it's a lie' rule": His own thoughts and feelings, which are often kept ambiguous. Lies he doesn't need to retract because they're obviously false ("I hate liars!" or "I was born from the big tree behind Hope's Peak Academy..."). Small *non-compulsive* lies that serve a strategic purpose, like perjury to further the trials (though you could argue these too are "obviously false" and basically retract themselves after a moment of critical thinking; e.g. claiming he killed Angie (ch3), or debatably telling Himiko she mentioned the brick handrail (ch4) because he intentionally casts doubt over the lie by telling it very badly). And of course, he doesn't go back on his "big" lies or the lies that serve to support them.
“Compulsive lying isn’t the best way to impersonate the mastermind”: Although I think his lying is very connected to his boredom, and his boredom connects him to Junko Enoshima, I want to point out that he is unaware of Junko. To the viewers of Danganronpa 53, his behavior absolutely looks like the behavior of a mastermind… but there’s no reason for Kokichi himself to think that “someone pathologically bored who constantly switches personas” is the most believable caricature of the mastermind. I think that’s a coincidence that was engineered by Tsumugi, and from Kokichi’s perspective it’s just part of his personality.
"Tanking his credibility to mask his emotions": As some have pointed out, being constantly dishonest does make it easier for Kokichi to dismiss his own moments of vulnerability and keep his thoughts/feelings ambiguous (e.g. gracefully backing out of his love confession to Shuichi during the love suite by pretending he was joking. The idea that it's a prank is only believable to Shuichi because he already knows Kokichi likes to pull his leg in other ways). I don't disagree with this interpretation of Kokichi's lies, in fact it's a really fascinating angle and part of what makes interpreting him so challenging. However... I still don't think that's the ONLY reason he walks around telling people the sky is green. Its usefulness is pretty limited to cases like the love suite, where he's trying to 'test the waters' and back out if the first approach fails. A superficially similar example is when he cries for Gonta's execution and then whirls around with whole "I don't want to, stupidhead!" bit — he's not actually testing the waters here, because he never intended to go forward with the story 'I'm really sad about Gonta and I regret doing that;' even if you think the tears were real, the plan was always to retract it. What actually saves face for him here is the fact that he's able to stop crying and go on a straight-faced villain monologue afterwards — and all that was *required* to make that believable was his acting skills (admittedly helped by his "evil" reputation, but not necessarily by his "liar" reputation). In other words, I'm inclined to think it would have worked even if he had presented as 'honest but mean-spirited' up until this point. It's the same way Tsumugi can convince us in Ch.6 that she's evil and her grief for previous victims was an act, despite never having presented herself as a liar until now; Kokichi is lying about being a heartless villain, while Tsumugi (ostensibly) is not, but they have the same effect in the moment because their ability to switch rapidly between 'good' and 'evil' personas proves *in itself* that they're good actors, and that one of those personas must be false, regardless of how their honesty was perceived beforehand.
"Kokichi lacks emotional stake in other people": This is simply a headcanon I am positing because I think it has interesting implications for his relationship with lies. Please don't be mistaken when I say that Kokichi doesn't care about the people around him (all of the English words for "caring" are frustratingly ambiguous, in my opinion). I don't think Kokichi experiences "care" as an emotion very often, no, but that doesn't mean he can't take interest in people, have opinions on them, or "care about" them through his actions. Now, whether or not he actually does that.... is not the topic of this essay either!
"An intellectual challenge": To lie, you have to continually generate a false narrative (rather than just regurgitating the truth), you have to track which routes you've left open based on what you've already said, and you have to assess whether or not they believe you (...which are all similar to calculations you'd already be used to doing if you don't have empathy). If you want to win, you have to do all of this on the fly and do it really, really well. And once people know you're a liar, it not only gets harder to convince them of your lies, it also gets harder to convince them of the truth; once lies are introduced, the pressure to perform well pervades every part of the conversation. Of course, this is way more fun with bigger lies (like DICE lies, in my opinion), but the little ones still take a modest amount of effort (an amount he can afford to expend on a daily basis) and yield a much more immediate reward.
"Lying still hurts people": e.g. Kokichi accuses Kaede of strong arming everyone during the Death Road of Despair, then accuses everyone else of attacking her the following morning. This one is a complicated example because it was such an obvious lie that I really have trouble believing that he wanted anyone else to buy it (I really think the point was to annoy people and raise social tensions), but even though the lie was quickly pointed out, it still actually made everyone gang up on Kaede, to the point she leaves to cry in her room afterwards.
“Lying isn’t to make people do what he wants”: Again, I'm just talking about his everyday compulsive lying here. While he does use DICE related lies to make people do what he wants (e.g. make Shuichi hang out with him), I consider those part of his "big schemes" rather than his habitual behavior, since his claims about DICE are consistent, well thought-out, and long term. Not to mention, the veracity of those claims isn't too important to me, since he's already very transparent about the fact that he's trying to threaten people into doing his bidding in these cases.
#self rb#other#danganronpa#meta#long post#re: your tags - totally feel free to pick this apart more if you ever feel inclined!#as long as everythings civil/respectful which your reply definitely was
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Code Blood pt.2
<previous - next>
#Final Fantasy XIV#FFXIV#Erenvahl#WoL x Erenville#Erenville#X'vahl Tia#wolship#X'vahl's heart in his throat like receive and be terrified catboy#I don't want to downplay that he's also horrified seeing a bunch of civilians gunned down in front of him#but usually WoL-brain kicks in in situations like that and he can laser focus and get to work defending people#but he is now learning that giving his heart to someone raises the stakes considerably and he's having trouble fully engaging WoL-brain#(this is a problem to be addressed by future X'vahl)#Alisaie being a real one and noticing how utterly terrified he is#and that he's not going to be able to focus on anything else until he knows Erenville is okay.#My motivation decided to hit me like a truck apparently#I think I really just needed to get past a couple of the other ones I was struggling with#and now I'm getting to some that I have been excited about#This one took so much work#but I really hope it paid off#because I really like how it turned out. :')
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Anyone out there got a solution for when you're feeling really stuck with your art and everyone and their mother tells you the solution is to do studies and figure drawings and other such things but even just thinking about doing those things makes you Spiral and want to Kill Yourself?
#monster noises#it's 1am no one will see this it's fine#it's a genuine problem though i Wish i could be aotherfucker who found it engaging and satisfying to do figure drawing#but i both A) had some bad experiences with this type of learning in highschool that i guess kinda make them triggering for me i guess?#and B) my brain doesn't seem to be able to like.. Learn Things.... That Way.... or at least not Obviously#i mean obviously i've improved as an artist over time in general#and i won't lie and say i've Never done figure drawing or studies or anything#but i never leave those situations feeling like i've Learned anything#mostly i've just sat for several hours growing increasinglyore frustrated#at my limitations and inability to achieve what i feel should come to me intuatively#and even if i Did feel like i've learned something i can seemingly never turn around and then apply it to something else#my brain does not make those lateral connections#it's why i can't do word problems in math.#and plus i also find stuff like figure drawing especially Rarely helps me make progress on the parts of my work i Actually want to improve#fluidity/mobility/stylization and surrealism#and only reinforces practices i want to pull away from#realism/'correctness'#all this combined leaves me just kinda stuck because i really can't power through my fear of these practicing methods#because i also don't find them useful#but i have no alternatives because it's like.. the only thing anyone suggests because theoretically is Does Work#but just not when you're Specifically Busted like I'm Busted#and so I just continue to stagnate until idk.. i find something else that can abruptly and suddenly launch me forward again?.#augh.. being an artist is The Most Enjoyable (_=<=)_
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see that's the thing i despise with the world at large. the russo-ukrainian conflict had been going on for about eight years prior to the escalation in 2022. outside of the eastern regions of europe, nobody really gave a fuck. but once the conflict hit mainstream media, this opened the window for the stupidest, most despicable people to toss their stupid uneducated opinions into the discussion. waving flags not knowing who or what they're fighting for or what they stand behind. demonizing russians while yelling preach to turbo-zionist running ukraine and making stupid fucking decisions that continue to put his people into more and more danger. and worst of all, nobody wants to turn a page, or read an article - they all just want to scream and shout and throw words around without knowing their meaning, like the perfect little mindless bacteriophages that they are. i fucking hate them. i hate them all and i hate them about as much as i hate the people twirling cigars in their chairs while sending the less fortunate to die for nothing. i need so many people in this world dead. fuck.
#logs#THEY DON'T WANT TO LEARN THEY DON'T WANT TO ENGAGE WITH ANYTHING THEY DON'T WANT TO LIVE THEY JUST WANT TO CONSUME AND TALK#CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME. CONSUME THE WIDESPREAD NARRATIVE. YELL SLAVA UKRAINI BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE DOES RIGHT. YELL I WISH ALL#RUSSIANS WOULD DIE SLOW AND AGONIZING AND PAINFUL DEATHS BECAUSE WHY NOT. I FUCKING HATE THEEEEMMMMM
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bruh why do i only get asked out by random men, why can't a sapphic ask me out :')
#cl talks#PLEASE#lesbian#aspec lesbian#like yeah technically I could ask someone out but tbh I don't tend to feel interested in someone until they show interest in me#I'm not very. people-oriented?#I simply don't notice people#unless they approach me#and yes some women have shown interest in me but it's always been in a scenario where I don't want to engage#like bro it's too loud in here I can't get to know you#and I'm having fun with friends not looking for a date (?)#I've also never dated so idk the protocol for anything anyways#like are ppl just looking to hook up? i don't think i could do that#are they just looking to kiss at a party/bar/concert? mayyybe?#but then would there be any expectations tied to that?#i don't think I'm mentally stable enough to date date rn lol#I'm sure it depends on the person and what they're looking for#ugh i don't have time to learn a completely new skill#but also I thought I'd go on my first date in college so I'm a little sad#in a more controlled environment#ah well it is what it is
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this might be a hot take... but if you care about disavowing media made by bad people out of fear of looking like a bad person yourself more than you care about actually doing good things... you might have your priorities (and your morals) screwed up a bit :/
(see my tags for more of my thoughts on this topic! please try to avoid making make bad-faith assumptions about what i mean!)
#melonposting#there is a good case for not wanting to associate with something on account of the creator being harmful. sure whatever#but people have talked at length about the sort of moral ocd that it promotes when that idea is fervently preached and enforced#i don't know about you but i think there's a big difference between#a) not wanting people to associate with something because the media itself spouts harmful rhetoric#and because its bigoted creator both benefits from people engaging with the books and is idolized by many of the books' fans#and b) not wanting people to vocally enjoy ANYTHING made by ANYONE who's held any harmful ideology at any point#because doing so 'inherently' supports and spreads those harmful ideologies#it's true that you cannot separate the art from the artist#but good people can make bad art and bad people can make good art. artistic talent is not inherently correlated with the artist's morals#the goodness/badness of a person CAN seep into the art they make. and it often does. and that can affect one's enjoyment of it#but even then there's nuance to be had on how to deal with it#like my hero academia for example. when i started watching it in middle school i didn't know how misogynistic it would be#of course i ended up seeing it in the show (and god it's so misogynistic)#and i ended up learning that the 'joke' sexual-harasser character is a self-insert for the creator#which of course i could never get behind. the creator is undeniably a horrible guy#at the same time though the show means a lot to me and i've gained a lot from watching it#i won't elaborate here on how but believe me it isn't superficial. if you want to ask me about it i'd be happy to share#i can hold both in my mind. the disgust and the enjoyment. i don't think those have to be mutually exclusive#of course not everyone is like that; you could immediately stop liking the show on discovering the gross stuff. and that's your prerogative#i don't know... i agree with the values behind avoiding media made by people known to have moral failings#and in some cases (like harry potter and jkr) i fully endorse the values and the practice. but such cases are very specific#but in most cases i fear the practice is misguided and unnuanced and ultimately unhelpful in fulfilling one's values#it is largely a philosophical matter: about how an individual regards their moral standing in the context of themselves and other people#which is important to discuss - especially in our globalized internet age! speaking of which feel free to disagree with me#if you want to have a civil discussion i'm more than open to it#but no matter how important this matter... there are way more important ones in the world. especially right now#calling out people who watch a youtuber who said something bigoted 5 years ago does little to stop that bigotry overall#just have good morals and practice them! support oppressed people! be thoughtful and understanding and compassionate!#callouts and dni lists rarely make for impactful advocacy!!!
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people who justify their dislike something via moralization are the most miserable boring lazy people out there imo.
pointing to something and just saying its problematic is not a legitimate form of media criticism. sorry.
#I am begging people to learn the difference between weather something is bad (<- claim of aesthetic truth which requires proof)#or just not for them (<--statement of subjectivity which does not require evidence)#I award no points for pointing out a plot detail and saying it's ''''''problematic''''' as if it means anything at all. you've functionally#contributed nothing#can you elaborate on that? otherwise why'v you even say it#what happened to engaging with what the text#I find that most people will use it as a conversation ender like that absolves them of trying to articulate their thoughts#to claim there is nothing more of value this piece can offer after they slap this label on it acting as if they inoculated themselves from#any form of reproach they might receive. it's an incredibly insincere and incurious form of approaching art#at this point I don't trust anyone who uses the word 'problematic unironically. say what you actually mean#low-key becoming the same with weird(o) if you truly feel the need to obfuscate then you might need to reassess your phrasing#personal#rant post#writing#fandom#it's disheartening because I remember the there was less of it and it was less accepted#if you don't want to think about something too hard (which I too am guilty of occasionally-i get it) then you don't have to but know your#aesthetic testimony loses significant value
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Y'know I think I'm starting to truly understand the kids who just didn't do anything in class during middle and high school. As someone who used to be a gifted kid and never really got it. Fucking hell
#ramblings#neg#gee idk maybe when things are hard and explained in ways that are uninteresting and difficult to understand ppl won't want to participate!#who would've thought!#i always had some sympathy for ppl who struggled in school even when they seemed 'lazy' or whatever#but like i never truly got it bc to me most of that stuff was easy!#classes were engaging enough for me and usually easy enough to understand!#i was at a point where i had over a 4.0 gpa when i graduated which is SUPPOSED to mean i'm smart right??#WRONG#I DID WHAT TO ME WAS THE BARE MINIMUM FOR MOST THINGS#I DIDN'T EVEN STUDY EVER BC NOTHING EVER STUCK THAT WAY#IT WAS ALL JUST A GAME OF MEMORIZATION#AND BARELY ANYTHING I LEARNED FROM MY CLASSES STUCK AFTER A COUPLE MONTHS OF NOT GOING TO SCHOOL#ALL I EVER DID WAS GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS#Y'KNOW SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS GOOD TO QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD HUH#SHOULD'VE JUST DONE THAT INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT#GOD I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE#i am. so tempted. to just not do any of my work#but if my mom finds out i will never hear the end of it#i want to sleep. i want to sleep and stop thinking abt this. so so bad
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why is the word for telegram on the jlpt n4 word list
#who fucking uses that word in daily life#i've remembered why i wasn't so sold on the jlpt in the first place#oh well#not gonna waste time trying to learn it or anything#i don't really learn vocabulary by just trying to force it into my brain#just kinda. engage with content and look things up if/when i need to#then actively try to use grammar/vocab if i want to remember it#and i really don't care about learning the word for telegram bc frankly i doubt i'll ever need to use it
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I'm trying so hard not to obsess over every social interaction I had last weekend
#was at an sca event aimed at women and gender minority fighters#which was great! lots of fun!#however on sunday there were some panels on social justice stuff and i was like#... Im gonna have opinions and if I'm going to be salty about it I should at least attempt to engage and do something about it#so I went#and in fact i had opinions#and I participated very actively in conversations#and of course now I'm like shit did i say too much#was I too annoying#once i get started on a topic I have a hard time containing myself#(it's probably the adhd)#and I wasn't a panelist but I was probably talking about as much as the quietest panelist which is. maybe too much for an audience member?#and mostly I was saying stuff about 'please give people chances to learn and grow'#'don't kick people out for making mistakes'#but now I'm like oh gods did that make it seem like I'm against DEI stuff???#(I'm sure it did not)#(at worst I was annoying but I'm also young enough to get away with it)#but one of the people on both panels was a really really cool transfem knight who I fought in the tourney the day before#and I really don't want her to think I was trying to be contrary or anything#so many cool people why did I have to rattle my mouth and have Opinions
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just complaining keep scrolling but. love when my mom turns around and invalidates my entire cultural heritage thank you mama I also love colonialism and assimilation
#she was like. oh you were raised with significant influence of palestinian culture? name one (1) thing. you're not arab#OK? then why do you tell people I am.#and it's like. yeah we've assimilated a lot bc sitti chose not to teach her kids arabic#but it's not like she discouraged them from it. my aunts chose to learn#and my dad chose not to but he's encouraged me to learn and talk to sitti about her life in bethlehem#when he HAS discouraged me from our culture it's mostly been bc he thinks the political situation is hopeless#and he doesn't want me to get caught up in it. which I disagree with but that's not the point#the point is I'm entitled to reconnection. I'm entitled to my cultural heritage!#ultimately I think my elders' decision to just not talk about it was not their choice to make#anyway how dare she#she doesn't know what it's like to beg for scraps of your identity#it's insane that I feel so ashamed just casually bringing up palestine with my own family who is from there and has traveled there. why!#why did they isolate me from the community like that it wasn't their decision to make!!!!!!#why can they give it up so easily I don't understand#my mom is like it's fine to engage with the other half of your culture! as long as you don't do anything beyond cook food ofc
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Love when the queer employee resource group I'm in at work puts forth the effort to run an awareness & education event during Pride month, schedules it to be part of an already occurring employee appreciation event do everyone has ample opportunity to participate easily even though it means we're doing more education than we are enjoying the event, and then when the head of our site sends out his "thank you" email for the event he takes the time to thank the folks who ran the primary employee appreciation event and instead of specifically recognizing the queer ERG he's like "thanks to all the ERGs and their members for being active & creating awareness! I support all of them!" Oh yeah, real supportive there, bud. Not highlighting the group who ran the actual queer education event DURING PRIDE MONTH.
#we put a bunch of work into figuring out a fun & engaging way to provide education about different queer identites#and it was really well responded to by everyone that day#people asked us if we were gonna be doing more events and sending things out#expressed that they really wanted to learn mor3#asked lots of respectful questions#we had people ask us if we would be willing to talk about things that might be more emotional & what not before just asking#who really wanted to know how to better approach interactions with us the queer and trans people they work with & consider friends#people ask if they could have stickers or flags even tho they weren't gay bc they wanted to show support#even people who wanted stickers with flags other than rainbow & were like 'is this okay? i don't want to appropriate anything'#and when we said 'well people might assume you're [identity]' were just kinda like 'why would i mind?'#and then this fucking guy#is like 'all ERGs are important to me!'#during PRIDE MONTH!!!!
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...
#me this morning: wtf am i gonna do today? might as well set up samples and be productive i guess#bc i couldnt possibly try to enjoy my day or try to clean up my apartment or do any of thr million non school related things i should do#sigh... nope im here in the lab setting up samples. blurring the time away#i just wanna draw. thats all i really wanna do. draw poor bby narut0. and like its weird. i dont understand other ppl#like all i wanna do all the time is draw and learn. and even when im doing other things that usually what i want to do#so ill be in the middle of some event. feeling nothing and thinking abt those things#like idk thats why its so hard when ppl r like: what do u like to do? bc its only 2 things obsessively so i likd to do them but i also have#to so its also stressful. and when i do other things im like glad for the experience but i also dont feel anything abt it#idk it just feels like im not processing things right. but idk u dont have to like things that u feel ur supposed to#but if i just dont engage with the things i feel nothing abt my world becomes even smaller. so im stuck driving myself nuts doing the same#things over and over but i don't even kno what i want to do differently bc i dont like anything. v annoying and frustrating if u have to#engage with me bc there r all these rules#but anyway thats y im so excited to start a phd bc then school will occupy my time and ill b more interested in my day job#im just so ready to leave this place. i wanna go back to the mountains#unrelated
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mfw in hindsight there obviously was something Wrong With Me when i was growing up but i didn't think of it as a possiblity whatsoever because of environmental circumstances & I Am Just Lazy And Useless And Doing Fuck All By Nature & I Thought I Fixed My Biggest Issues By Therapy Already And I Didn't Think I Could Have Any More
but then said behaviours continue even in better environments and you're suddenly out of uni wondering what the actual fuck is up and it's into the downward spiral to wonderland from there
i'm the frog being dissected in biology class. i'm the dissector at the same time. i peel out an overgrown lump out my dissected frog ass and see that in fact i do have Behaviours. now i have to find the origins of this behaviour & unfortunately the best i can do is speculate. which sucks because i need to 100% know what's caused by what else in order to understand it and deal with it better
(blingee sparkle gif effects) Unfortunately Nothing Is Ever Certain With Comorbidity, Baby! Nor Is It Certain It Is Comorbidity To Begin With (This Is The Impostorism Talking)
on one hand, learning frog anatomy by poking its ass & getting to know myself better to deal with it. cool, i guess. on the other.
god. why.
#im the loadbearer of frog shit#alright mrs. i lay on the floor 5-30 min after full-time school obligations because I Am Too Tired To Do Anything Else#alright mrs. i wanna learn piano. gets a piano and then doesn't out of anxiety of other people around#alright mrs. i wanna do x y z & the entire alphabet. but you'll do it only when a certain time hits. or you're mentally somewhere else.#and then you don't anyway. and then you wait and wait and then suddenly it's been over a decade?????#alright mrs. i always do my obligations and schoolwork Out Of Anxiety For Negative Consequences And Not Because I Like Anything#alright mrs. I Only Immediately Do Things That Are Obligations But I Hate Being Told What To Do And Having No Freedom Of Choice#alright mrs. I Have art WIPs for 6 Years Untouched. ''i should finish this'' annual revision. still doesn't do it#alright mrs. I Have Energy For Fucking Nothing And Am Stressed 24/7 When Committing To Anything I Don't Like Especially Full-Time#alright mrs. I Have More Free Time And I Still Don't Do Shit Except Engage With My Hobbies Sometimes Unless I Am Really Into It#alright mrs. Saving Up For Sims 4 Selling My Beloved LPS Collection & Then Not Playing It For Years#alright mrs. I Read Other People's Analogies Of Their Feelings And You Don't Understand Whatsoever Until You Put It In Your Own Words#alright mrs. I Want To Do Things But I Just Don't Because I Don't Know I Just Don't. EXHAUSTING. UTTERLY EXHAUSTING#alright mrs. I Wanted To Do My Flight Rising Shit Today But I Spend It On Late Breakfast. Shower. Hygiene. Browsing Reddit For Research For#uhm. i don't know How Many Hours but it's Hours Alright. and then it was dinner time. And Here We Are#fucking fuck ign violence everywhere hatred malice shooting eyelaser beams#sy.txt
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What the fuck it cut off my tags, whatever
I do deserve a treat :( Thank you <3
sorry for ranting, also sorry half the rant was cut off
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this is the single worst way i've ever read to describe an erection, frank herbert
#Well see he wrote dune and some young men are super into his work because of it but then they do something stupid like make me read#soul catcher and then complain when I didn't like it right before bitching I couldn't get through helstrom's hive#and like I never want to disparage something that someone I love is super into but oh my god are they dismissive of anything I like or very#superficially lip service encouraging with no actual engagement and then get super pissy that I don't think frank herbert is a genius#But they'll act like I can't have that opinion until I have read whichever books of his that they personally think are good examples#but like no... He's a bad author#sorry#you ever read someone's work and get the sense you would fundamentally disagree as people?#like you would just find them viscerally off putting and they'd have an automatically low opinion of you for no good reason?#and also get the nagging sense that they'd be bad at sex or in a relationship?#Anyway Frank Herbert DNI#Like read the books -I- like before forming your opinions ffs play myst games and then tell me what you actually think of them#stop demanding that I live up to your expectations or wants or engage with you in a one sided way I break up with people for doing that#also when I tell a partner about something I am writing or working on and their first words to me is "oh you should check out _______'s wor#as if to say this person is already doing that and probably doing it better instead of engaging with me over my _own_ ideas as a way to#shut the conversation down and stop having it#makes me want to scream#like if they were just making recommendations based on what I like I wouldn't take it that way#but they do this thing where the more I keep trying to engage over what I am working on the more they just keep repeating#“You should REALLY check out _________” [it's often something by Neil Gaiman or something similar in tone] as a way to shut down#having to continue the interaction that's when it reads like they are telling me to see what the greats have done with the idea#before I bother trying to do something that seems similar to them or try to bother them with it#I feel like that's a pet peeve about young nerdy menTM that only comes up when you are an afab writer#the inherent assumption and attitude that your every idea and project is derivative and not worth engaging with earnestly#and worse they seem to learn from each other that this is HOW you SHOULD respond to your partner sharing their writing ideas with you#to start listing off the talents that have already done something that seems similar... *screaming* I'm sure trans women get it to actually#just anyone socially interpreted as a woman who creates in nerd spaces#well I'm a man now and I don't date so whatever#but a guy doing this to me became a massive red flag because the underlying attitude was always a base level of contempt for me#and inability to see me as a fully intelligent and rational peer
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Okay all -- few quick thoughts about the Elon Muskifying of the government, especially the takeover of the Treasury and associated financial data for every single US citizen and organization, that we are learning about in detail today.
Don't panic. This sounds bad, because it is bad. It's really, really bad. It's outrageously fascist bad. But we've still gotta take a deep breath and get through it.
This is the kind of shock-and-awe exercise of untrammeled fascist power where they are absolutely counting on gleefully terrorizing, paralyzing, and stunning you into mounting no resistance, or just giving up and giving in. They are literally live-tweeting it in real time and boasting about all the access and influence they have right now. They want you to know about it and feel like you can't do anything, so you might as well let it happen.
We have to show them that's not true.
TIME TO MAKE SOME NOISE. Because it's Sunday night, I've gone ahead and contacted my state Attorney General and both senators by email (but come Monday morning, we should all be calling). Here is the email that I wrote to my AG:
Dear Mr. [AG],
As you will be aware, today (February 2, 2025) the Trump administration has granted wide-ranging access to sensitive US Treasury data, including the personal and private information of [state] citizens, to Elon Musk's so-called "Department of Government Efficiency." Musk is an unelected private citizen who has no legal right to access this data, and is engaging in extensive intimidation and coercion to fulfill his personal and harmful ideological agenda. The present and material harm that this causes to US citizens, [state] residents, and basic laws of government, privacy, and financial security is direct, unconscionable, and actionable. I strongly urge you, in your capacity as [state] Attorney General, to file direct suit against the Trump administration, Elon Musk, the "DOGE" office, and any identifiable individuals who have taken part in this action, in order to protect consumer data, citizen privacy, and basic faith and trust in government.
All the best,
[Qqueenofhades]
Short! To the point! Doesn't waste time, tells him what I want him to do, how Elmo's nonsense directly harms the residents of my state, and why he should take action to stop it! And frankly, given how on-the-ball blue-state AGs have been thus far, they're probably already working on it. You are very welcome to copy-and-paste this message and fill in your AG's last name and your state as appropriate. Super easy to do. Takes five minutes. Call tomorrow.
If you are in a red state, your voice is particularly important right now. The Trumpsters are counting on and are even emboldened by blue state pushback, but you really need to make it start coming from Republican strongholds. Congressional Republicans will only feel the slightest amount of unease about docilely enabling this BS when it starts threatening their own personal power. Hit them where it hurts.
Other lawsuits are coming. Marc Elias, Democratic lawyer extraordinaire, is well aware of this situation and has noted on Bluesky that more lawsuits are in the works. He often wins his cases. This does not mean that you shouldn't loudly make noise elsewhere, but please remember that this is one of those 24-hour periods where, as noted, they are counting on demoralizing you with a nonstop blizzard of bullshit. It does not say anything about how this will play out long-term or the opposition that can and will be mobilized to stop it.
Once again: courage. Take the small steps that you can do today. Then take a breath and get off social media for a little while. Try to take the long view. One step at a time, we will get through this.
Courage.
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