ough i decided to repurpose my "bad business" tag for just general romance posts bc im too humiliated to keep all the text posts that used to be in it especially given recent revelations, but part of the reason i did this is so that i can try to get back to being my former romantic self, if a little more grounded
but the problem is like... like that "find someone who pays attention" post, it came out of the queue so reading it just now was like reading it for the first time again and im so 🧍 like i don't think i believe i can find someone like that anymore skjdhfs like i think the part of me that used to believe that someone would think i was special or interesting or pretty or some combination of those and fall in love w me or whatever has been replaced by the thought process that says no matter what i am gonna have to contort myself into some unnatural shape, not compromise for love but change who i am just to be accepted, if i ever want to be in a relationship
it's why i got into a relationship w my ex even though i didn't think he was attractive and felt like he didn't rly care about what i was saying. like. a lot of people make me feel like they dgaf what i have to say so atp do i just have to accept that or be alone forever. it's starting to feel more and more like the latter.
there was someone who was v interested in what i had to say and wanted to share things w me and know about me and i felt the same about them, but since then it has never ever happened and even tho i don't want that specific person back anymore i also kinda feel like that was a fluke born of both of us refusing to get close enough to see each other as people, and i will never truly have that kind of connection with someone
like other people get into and out of relationships like it's normal but i think i'm just. idk warped into a shape that doesn't fit with anyone else anymore. and like i wish i was someone who just doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship but that's not even it. i still want to but the more time passes the more i believe it's just Really Not Possible for me
like god i keep saying to myself "maybe i'll meet someone in grad school" bc that's the only thing that stops me from feeling sorry for myself all the time, but i don't even really believe it anymore. i think i'm just gonna keep hoping i'll meet someone at the next thing i do until i run out of next things and i just die after having been alone for the vast majority of the time
tl;dr: no one wants me my guy
4 notes
·
View notes
cant tell you how bad it feels to constantly tell other artists to come to tumblr, because its the last good website that isn't fucked up by spoonfeeding algorithms and AI bullshit and isn't based around meaningless likes
just to watch that all fall apart in the last year or so and especially the last two weeks
there's nowhere good to go anymore for artists.
edit - a lot of people are saying the tags are important so actually, you'll look at my tags.
#please dont delete your accounts because of the AI crap. your art deserves more than being lost like that #if you have a good PC please glaze or nightshade it. if you dont or it doesnt work with your style (like mine) please start watermarking #use a plain-ish font. make it your username. if people can't google what your watermark says and find ur account its not a good watermark #it needs to be central in the image - NOT on the canvas edges - and put it in multiple places if you are compelled #please dont stop posting your art because of this shit. we just have to hope regulations will come slamming down on these shitheads#in the next year or two and you want to have accounts to come back to. the world Needs real art #if we all leave that just makes more room for these scam artists to fill in with their soulless recycled garbage #improvise adapt overcome. it sucks but it is what it is for the moment. safeguard yourself as best you can without making #years of art from thousands of artists lost media. the digital world and art is too temporary to hastily click a Delete button out of spite
23K notes
·
View notes
The great thing about having no internet for a couple of weeks is, you get so much stuff done. I've made great strides in my fight against invasive plants in the pasture!
^ This large rock used to be lost in a sea of broom, you couldn't even see it.
It's a lot more fastidious now that I'm uprooting plants one by one with the root slayer instead of clearing the whole area with a brushcutter, but hopefully they'll no longer be able to sneakily bide their time underground and then grow back even stronger from their intact root system.
I took some in-progress pictures—don't these invasive plants look like a retreating army?
We've had a tiny bit of April snow—I don't know if I can call it that, the air just felt icy and wet and tangible, if I opened my mouth I could feel snowflakes fly into it but nothing was actually falling on the ground. It felt like being repeatedly enveloped then dismissed by clouds that had made plans to drop their snowflakes elsewhere.
But every time I saw Pandolf he looked like a starry night, so there really were snowflakes in the air!
It felt very satisfying to come home with my face and hands all numb and warm up by stuffing entire wheelbarrows' worth of broom into the wood oven then throwing a match. Ever since I've learnt that this plant attracts ticks, burning it has felt like defeating two enemies at once. I listen to the lovely little crackling sounds of a broomfire and picture hundreds of ticks popping like popcorn.
My animals didn't enjoy being stuck inside snow clouds all day—I saw the llamas use their shelter for once, and Pandolf politely asked to come in and sit by the fire instead of staying out to collect more snowflakes in his fur, so I think they were all already in spring mode in their minds.
Merricat also (less politely) asked for shelter, but Merricat treats every instance of wet weather like a national scandal that I personally failed to prevent.
Even the hens wanted to come sit by the fire, and when I said no (you are hens), one of them ignored me and walked in, resolutely, clucking for the younger hen to follow her, like "let me teach you how it's done".
You know when you want to eat a crêpe in a crêpe restaurant in Paris and the waiter looks baffled that you envisage to buy food in his food establishment and he says no that won't possible, and you're like these people over there are having coffee they're almost done we'll just wait inside for their table!, and (with mounting horror) he says no no no if you really insist on giving us your money then you must wait in the street for the privilege, and watch the diners through the window like little orphans, and then your more assertive, confident friend militantly walks in anyway, encouraging you like, come on he's not gonna call the police, we're about to pay 12€ for 1 crêpe I think we can wait inside thank you very much—because a dismissive aristocratic aplomb is the only attitude that'll get you a table in a crêperie in Montparnasse sometimes? It was pretty much this dynamic. Between me and my hens.
1K notes
·
View notes