#THE WAY i can't even put my thoughts into words

[draggomon]

I think about this a lot.

I still constantly have to battle back the thoughts that I'm a creep or perv for being who I am.

Like ye, I am a perv. But that's a part of me and not the whole. Being a woman and using the restroom at work isn't part of my pervy side, I just need to pee.

I always have to make sure everyone around me feels safe and if they're not I have to work hard to not take it as a personal failure.

One of my partners is afab, enby, very conventionally attractive. We get looks in public and I'm very hyper aware of how it may be perceived.

I'm aware of the way their cis afab friends tense up around me whenever they and I have a disagreement even though they and I are known for being very healthy about that stuff and even offering guidance to others on how to healthily navigate those situations.

I see the way they check in on my partner. I love that my partner has others that look out for them, but I also wish they wouldn't ask about me in hushed tones while assuring my partner that they'll be there for them if I ever hurt them.

This hurts in a way I can't put into words not just because I make an honest effort to make sure my spaces are safe, but also because my partner feels the fear too and has tried so hard to get through to them that I'm not an inherent threat just because I have a penis. I see how it hurts my partner and has caused them to distance themselves from these friends and I hate that.

Fear and misconception of what isn't real is poisoning a very real love, and I want my partner to have others they can lean on and this is damaging their ability to honestly show up for my partner and is damaging my partners ability to be fully honest and open with this group of friends they love so deeply.

a trans woman expressing love freely and openly to everyone in her life. a beautiful thing

[mmmilkweed]

I'm still here!

hi all, just wanted to update y'all on how I'm doing.

Thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, for the kind messages and anons. Every single one picked up a tiny piece of me and placed it back into its original place. I cannot thank you enough.

.. There's no easy way to say I'm still not doing good. BUT! I am doing *better.* Even if just a little, I consider it a win.

Mornings are a heavy issue. The past two, I've thrown up. Not today though, so that's a win right? Nightmares plague me - even today I caught myself dreaming that, once again, my words have been used against me and I was left alone, with only hatefull paragraphs to keep me company. Had I not realized I didn't have my phone in my hands when I woke up, I might have thought it was real. Man. Just another reason to have an aversion to my phone!!

I found a new.. Man, I never thought I'd use this word. I found a new trigger for my, what I can only assume, are panic attacks. Discord notifications. Just seeing the icon on the notification bar has my heart in my ears and I can't breathe. I still don't know how to efficiently calm myself down from these. While walking helps, I sit back down and it starts again. My job requires me to sit!! I've begun just brute forcing past it.

My appetite has completely vanished. I usually eat a decent amount through the day, but for the past 4 I've hardly been able to finish a single plate of food in a day. Yesterday I struggled with a can of monster. I LOVE MONSTERRR and yet I kept nursing it the WHOLE day. I was so mad... I'm going to go to my favorite restaurant soon, gonna work on getting my appetite back up.

On the way to my atelier, the song that inspired Timeless!AU came on: For Her by Jeremy Jordan. I adored this song. It meant everything to me, it's going to be on my Spotify wrapped from how much I listened to it. I.. Can't. Anymore. I put it on blast, I couldn't bring myself to skip it - and still, even when I was walking my heart beat faster than it should and I suddenly found myself out of breath. Negativity seeped into my favorite song. Figures

Still - it brought me some clarity. Past days I've really been feeling like a monster - but For Her made me remember that the AU really was always meant for this unrequited love, the whole thing somewhat inspired by the Great Gatsby and a dream that's just out of reach. How could I let myself be deluded so much? How did I let their words get to me so deeply that even I began questioning myself? ESPECIALLY since they don't me at ALL?! I saw someone say something so outrageous it become an inside joke with my friends! That really helped to disillusion me. I hope that with time, or with enough replays, I can find comfort in For Her again.. And I will. Jeremy Jordan is too good not to listen too

It's not all bad, though. I know I've been venting, yet I have to tell it at least to someone that's not my wife. Poor thing, I feel bad for her. She shouldn't be weighted my mistakes.

now let me tell you about the good too.

Oh there's so many amazing people in this community. Like each of you. Like my community on discord. Like my closer contemporaries. Discord notifications are not as scary when I see a certain groupchat or even server. Yes, while my heart skips a beat - I've laughed far more than cried. I can't thank them enough. I'll never bring it up to them, I don't need to drag down their mood, so I'm telling yall instead.

I've begun drawing again. I feel like I understand Shadow Milk Cookie on a very personal level now. If his demeanor changes going forward... I'm probably projecting.! Oh I've gotten to the point in rock bottom where I imagine PV helping me out with stuff. Man that's embarrassing to say. Akctually everything here is embarrassing to say - I still feel ashamed my body has such a visceral reaction to.. All of this! I digress. I began drawing again. I'm happy with what I have, can't wait to start showing yall.

I've begun scrolling Twitter too. In small doses. My modteam suggested it, and woah, it helped scrolling through the splatoon tag. I can't just up and leave it, as it's my current main source of income. I'm watching CRK tiktoks too! Slowly.

I'll try to be stead fast in my recovery - I've come to realize there are people who are dependant on me, they look to me to see how they should react. I did not see that before, and for that, I also apologize. Many have pointed out I'm new to this, and only now did I realize just how right you were. Especially as someone whos always kept to a side line - having a voice baffles me.

[strawberrystepmom]

dante x f!reader. established relationship, a minor disagreement that ends up in hurt/comfort. | wc: 1.4k, reading time: ~5 minutes

“I’m coming with you.”

Your remark is firm while you practically chase after Dante who slumps down in the chair behind his desk for the briefest moment, pulling equipment from the drawers of his desk and putting it into his pockets. 

“No, you’re not.”

It irritates you how he won’t even look up, preoccupied with getting out of here. Your jaw slackens, eyes narrowing.

“Why not?”

Now he looks up, his own teeth clenched. 

“Because I’ve said no ten times and meant it every one.” 

He hates fighting with you. In fact, he hates telling you no about anything and you’re all too well aware of it judging by the way you seem to think you can wear his defenses down into a yes right now. 

Disengaging by looking down, he loads a few bullets into his guns which further irritates you. 

There’s no such thing as a truly unexpected job in his line of work. He gets calls at all hours of the day or night sometimes, reporting to wherever he needs to be to take care of business, but you don’t understand why he won’t let you come. It’s midday and he’s clearly playing coy about the threat level of whatever is out there meaning there may be a need for help.

Laughing sarcastically, you stand in place in front of his desk. 

“It amazes me how you are never this serious about a no until it has to do with what I want.”

Whipping his head upward so fast his hair falls out of place against his forehead, the man you love more than any other curls his lip and points all five of his fingers toward you, eyes wide.

“And it amazes me that you’ve never bothered to wonder why I'm so serious about it. How many times have we had this exact conversation?" 

There has never been a time where he’s raised his voice at you and he has no plans of starting now but you are seriously testing his patience. 

You fold your arms across your torso and raise your brows adversarially high. "I wish you’d just admit it’s because you think I'm weak and can't protect myself. Your little liability."

Finally, you push Dante to the point of a frustrated, humorless chuckle punctures the tense air of the room. You flinch in place, averting your eyes from him to other corners of the room that seem a lot easier to look at. Walls don't have eyes that pierce to your very soul the way his are right now, feeling them even if you don't see them.

"Will you please stop thinking the worst about me? I know better than anyone you can take care of yourself." 

He scoffs, another ironic chuckle following it. 

"In fact, this isn’t even about you. Have you ever thought for even a second that I keep you away from my jobs because I don't know what I would do if something happened to you? That nobody does?" 

You look up and he looks directly at you, brows furrowed. 

"Yeah, I've been called out about it before. By Trish and Lady and everyone who has ever seen the way I am when it comes to you." He shakes his head, rising from his seat behind the desk, reaching across it and grabbing your trembling hands. "They’ve all had the same thing to say about how you can't be around because my focus becomes keeping you safe."

He looks away from you, retreating to somewhere distant in his mind. 

"I catch myself thinking about a world without you sometimes and it's dark and heavy and...and I know I couldn't do it if I didn't have you."

"Do what?"

"Any of this.” He waves his hand around the waiting room of Devil May Cry dramatically. “Exist."

"Dante..." 

You click your tongue, chest aching at his words. They’re well meant but even the faintest insinuation of him stumbling into the bad shape he was when you first met makes you feel hollow.

"I mean it, sweetheart. You could come up with a hundred arguments and probably already have but I wish you wouldn't waste your time arguing with me about what the truth is. It’s not that you're weak, it's that I'm weak for you."

Now you feel like a real problem, pouting like a little girl while he airs out the truth. “Stop it.”

“No, you stop. Let me tell you how I feel and maybe, just maybe, actually listen to me for once.”

Pushing your fists against your eyes, you take a deep breath and allow the pressure of your knuckles to keep the levy holding back your tears from breaking. You probably look as pathetic as you feel standing there like this, shoulders slumped inward and breaths coming in staggered pants. 

Merciful man that he is, Dante never lets you suffer for long. 

You hear his footsteps round his desk in the  same pattern you memorized a long time ago, his warm arms coming to cradle you even if you won’t look at him. Your body naturally leans against his chest, fists pressed against his shirt, face hidden. 

“You’ve made me a man, not just someone pretending to be half one.” He unburies your face to kiss the tip of your nose, pulling you against his chest to bury your head beneath his scruffy chin. “And you’re one thing I wanna keep safe forever because of it. Is that so wrong?”

Shaking your head no, you sigh in lighthearted defeat. How can you put up a fight, especially when he is safely nestling his beating heart in your hand? You protect it, he protects you. 

It’s not all that bad of a deal when you really think about it. 

“You’re starting to give me a stomach ache,” you joke, lifting yourself up on the tips of your toes to kiss him. It’s a little brush of lips against lips, far less searing then how you usually approach. 

Still, it says everything. The pair of you remain locked together - two bodies and one shared soul - refusing to part even to continue the conversation. 

“Sorry for thinking the worst.” 

Your apology is only slightly muffled, mashed between his mouth and yours. He parts his lips to reply but chooses to kiss you instead, tongue dipping between lips he could not successfully exist without. You’ve given his world more than color, you’ve breathed life into every last corner of it. The least he can do is tell you so once in a while. 

Smiling against your lips, he stops for a breath and backs away enough to look down at you. 

“Let me know next time that happens so I can get ahead of it, okay?”  

A lighthearted reminder, sealed with another small kiss. The tension in the room gradually soothes itself, minute by passing minute. The safety of his arms even improves your mood slightly, your fists pressed against the center of his chest rather than over your eyes. 

“Please stay behind and let me come home to you in one piece.”

Chewing the inside of your cheek, you fight the urge to insist you need to continue fighting for your place in his life. He’s telling you clearly that you’ve earned it. 

“Alright,” you acquiesce, raising yourself up on tippy toes to kiss him again. 

Opening your mouth to continue speaking he shoots you a look, not venomous or dangerous, but serious. He doesn’t wanna argue about this again. 

You lean into him, big eyes staring. “Fine, God, okay. But you need to call me as soon as you’re done because I don’t know what I’d do without you either and cannot think about it so please don’t make me.”

Dante nods, chuckling. 

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

Later on, after you’re less emotional and he’s home safe and sound, you’ll admit he’s right. You’ll mutter against his hair that he’s not merely a good man but the best one for thinking of you the way he does and that you constantly question if you deserve it or not. He’ll whisper to you that nobody has ever deserved it more, rocking you gently until you fall into a fitful sleep and leaving him awake for a little longer. 

Only then will he find himself alone enough to silently thank whatever force brought you, this stubborn, beautiful woman, into his life to save him. He’ll insist to this same force that he’s only making up for lost time by protecting you from danger to begin with. 

It happens every time.

[cvnt4him]

js posting things from my notes app

Pussyjob w izuku while he yaps

Just grinding your wet pussy up and down his cock as it lies against his abdomen twitching up into the warmth you lie on his cock. He reslishes in the sticky feeling of you rubbing up and down in his cock, whining as you put your hands on his chest with a smile; you swirl your hips occasionally at the tip of his cock when your clit grazes against it just right.

You let out a breathy moan and bite your lip, gliding your pussy up and down the messy sounds and feeling of it going striaght to izukus head. He'd completey forgotten what he was talking about. His eyes trail down from your gorgeous face to see where your bodies met, he watched closely as you grind down on his cock massaging it with every glide and the occasional clench around it.

He groans at the thought of you finally letting him take you. His hips lifting slightly and bucking up into you. Your weight on top of his cock and the warmth you provided as you teased his aching cock that begged to be planted inside if you. He whined up at you as you began to speak.

“ c'mon izu, I thought you were telling me about your day? how did the kids do on the test?”

Test? When did izuku tell you about the test he'd given out... It must've completely slipped his mind that he's told you. He couldn't remember correctly his mind being fogged over with the keed sight infront of him. You weren't exactly making it easy with the way you moaned lousky whenever he open his mouth to at least attempt to continue.

Poor thing could only get out a few whiney "oh"'s and "uhm-"s. He looked so fucked out and he hadn't even came yet. He felt so good but the pleasure he was feeling wasn't enough to get him there, especially because he was only thinking about the second you finally ket him burying his cock ball deep inside of you. The thought alone had his cock twitching and aching like it wanted to cum.

His orgasm approaching and teasing him with the sweet release he craved. You giggled at the way his thighs spasmed slightly, tensing and shivering as his hands quiver just above your hips baerly grazing your skin. He can't help but whimper and shut his eyes on the edge of tears from the sweet tinge of release at the brink.

He couldn't even get the rest of his words out beifrr you finally let his cock slip inside of your hole. Humming in amusement as you watch his face contort into one of purr bliss, his hips jerking up into your heat and his body hunching over yours as he wraps his arms around you guiding you up and down on his cock. Poor thing moaning sweetly in your ear as you kiss the naoe of his neck.

He came so hard inside of you and passed right out.

[lymtw]

The Handler and His Wife

"Honey?" Shiu calls, instantly snatching your attention from whatever you were looking at on your phone. His palms don't pause the soothing pressure they apply to your calves and all along your bare legs.

"Hm?" You hum in response, putting your phone down and giving him your full attention. You laugh when he just silently stares back at you, almost mindlessly. "What?" You say, indicating that you're listening.

He blinks out of his daze and smiles softly. "Anyone ever tell you that your existence is wet dream fuel?"

You roll your eyes, and give him that smile he loves so much. The one that tells him to shut up without you having to say it.

"Yeah, you. All. The. Time," you respond, sassily. "I know you only say it 'cause we're married," you argue.

"Now, now, baby. You know that's not true," he counters. Warmth riddles his tone, and the paired gentle squeeze to your knee has you softening up more. "You had me melting for you like a popsicle left out in the sun, way before we even got acquainted. I know you know that for a fact," he says, grinning almost victoriously when your lips curl.

"All those rounds of eye contact tag..." You sigh, wistfully. "It was hard not to reciprocate your glances when I liked playing with you so much."

"You played for too long and look where it got you," he teases, wearing the smuggest grin on his face.

"Married, to the man who sics me on people for fffat ssstacks." You nod with your eyes closed and a smile on your face, like you're blessed.

Shiu just shakes his head, with a chuckle. You seem to enjoy "taking care" of people way too much. "I'm gonna retire you, someday. I hope you know that, hon."

"Yeah, when i'm like eighty, 'cause you won't wanna see my wrinkly ass, anymore."

"No, not when you're like eighty," he says, incredulously. "More like in two or three years."

There's a slight crease between your brows. There's never been talk about this, so you're not sure what to make of it in the moment.

"Well, we haven't sat down and discussed this properly."

"What's there to discuss? You'll be living the same way you do now, minus the crime. What's the problem?"

"The problem lies in the way you're going about things here, Shiu. You're not asking me, you're telling me. This is the first time I hear about this and I feel like I don't even have a say in it. You're making decisions for my future without me."

The moment has gone bitter. You've retracted your legs from where they rested on his lap and Shiu realizes he's messing the whole thing up when your attention leaves him, too. It wasn't his intention to make you feel like your word means nothing. He just wanted to give you something to look forward to in the future, away from all the blood and gore that you've gotten way too comfortable with.

Sure, there must have been a better way to communicate his vision, but things didn't turn out that way, and now his little wife is upset, and that just can't be the case. Things don't work that way between you and Shiu.

"Doll, will you lend me your ears if you're gonna keep your pretty voice from me?" He requests, eyeing the involuntary, yet, precious pout on your face and the way your arms are crossed over your chest. You're still the prettiest thing he's ever seen, even when you're grumpy. Relief washes over him when after a few seconds, you uncross your arms and take a breath, ready to give him a chance to explain his thought process.

"Listening," you mutter.

"We have to do it the right way," he says, laying out his palm for you. He knows you're not beaming with joy anymore, but it's a must. You always do this during serious conversations. It's the only way to make sure that neither of you is walking away from the other before everything is laid out and explained. It's harder to do when one of you is upset with the other, but you get over it for each other's sake.

You put your hand on his and cup it. Your ring is as brilliant as the day he put it on your finger, something you both notice before giving each other the focus necessary for resolving this minor tension.

"I'm sorry, doll face," he starts. "I didn't mean to make it seem like I was making decisions about your life without you. That really was my mistake. Three years is still a long time for us to figure these things out together. If three years from now, you still want to be my pretty psycho killer, then we'll talk about it." He smiles softly at the way your lips curl and press together, like you're suppressing the laugh he loves so much.

"But I'm serious about retiring you at some point." His hand holds yours tighter, as if to say 'hold on, hear me out'. "I don't want to wait for something to happen to you, to finally say 'hey, now's a good time to call it quits'. That would make me useless as your man, don't you think?"

You take it all in and come to the conclusion that this is just another one of his ways of acting like a caring and protective husband. He almost never tells you he's scared or worried for you. He's seen you kick ass and he's almost one hundred percent sure that you can kick his ass, but even the best get knocked down sometimes, and he won't wait around forever to see it happen to you.

"I get what you mean, now. Sorry I caught on fire so fast," you say, with a sheepish smile. "I see your side of things, and I do want to retire at some point, but for some reason three years sounds like so little time. It sounds like tomorrow will come and those three years will be gone, and... that's so scary to me, Shiu. That's like ending something that's always been a part of me in the snap of a finger."

"I know, hon. It's not something that's meant to be figured out in one night. We just have to keep talking about this. Maybe we could do a check in every couple of months, see where your head's at with all of this. Okay?"

You nod. "Yeah, okay."

"Are we okay now? You know my poor heart can't handle you being mad at me for too long," he says, clutching his chest with his free hand to emphasize where it hurts.

"We're good," you assure, with a smile.

"Okay, now prove it," he challenges.

You crawl over to him and plop yourself down on his lap, resting your hands on his chest. He's quick to let his hands splay over your lower back, slowly rubbing the area. Your hands move down from his chest, eventually reaching the hem of his shirt and dipping beneath it.

"Careful, wife," he murmurs, when you start making little featherlight strokes on his abdomen.

"Hm?" You hum, innocently. "I'm just giving you the evidence you asked for. Is it too much? Are you gonna melt for me, Shiu?"

"You're teetering," he warns. He can feel the crotch area of his pants growing tighter as you run your soft fingertips along his stomach and the waistband of his boxers.

"You can keep me steady, baby," you respond, softly. You watch his eyes progressively get darker, clouding with the beginnings of something sinful. The more you tease him with your delicate touch and sweet, contrasting gaze, the closer he is to snapping and giving you what you're digging for.

"Be good to me, sweetheart," he murmurs, his voice deep enough to make a chill run down your spine. "One of us always ends up crying. I don't think I have to say who it is out loud, do I?"

You pull your hands out of his clothes and wrap your arms around him, before pressing a couple chaste, apologetic kisses to his lips. "Sorry, handsome," you say, laughing. "I'll be nice."

"Mhm. You always say that, and then you give me the attitude of your life," he says, letting his hands roam beneath the back of your shirt.

"Maybe, I just want you to play with me," you murmur, your lips spreading into a saccharine smile when he laughs. Your sweetness is a trick you like to pull out before you strike, like a cat.

"I think I play with you enough for you to tell me your needs when you have them, don't I?"

"Well, that's no fun," you say, disagreeing. "You don't like when I feel you up and give you the will to be rough with me? I just know you wouldn't be able to do it otherwise, 'cause I'm your 'sweet babydoll', so I have to bring your inner spirit out somehow, right, hubs?"

"I'm revoking that pet name," he says under his breath. "Oh, you're trouble, honey, that's what you are, but alright, you want me to play with you, i'll play," he says calmly, before flipping both of you over on the couch, so that he's looking down at you with all the unspoken mischief in his eyes and you're looking up at him with stars riddled in yours.

[16wolke11]

Notice Me - Lando Norris

A/N I just wanted to write something short and fluffy...Maybe one part of this was unsuccesful :D

WORDS: 2578

_____

Working with the Formula 1 team of McLaren wasn't my dream, but somehow, I still ended up working in their team after graduation. Slowly making my way up from simple duties, nothing with much responsibility, until I reached one of the upper levels of the PR team. Starting to work around the drivers, brainstorm for videos and content with the rest of the team and it feels like I am finally settled into the group.

Even though McLaren is paying me generously, I still like to take my bike to the headquarters. Only needing a fifteen-minute ride through some fields is as quick as driving a car. And usually that it is no problem, but right now it is pouring outside. I sigh at the thought of being drenched after seconds and that my clothes are probably going to be muddy after driving over the dirt road. Just when I want to step outside, someone calls my name.

When I turn around, I see Lando approaching. He and Oscar were at the headquarters today to film some stuff, spend time in the simulator and I am sure the bosses even squeezed a meeting into their time schedule. I like Lando, he is always friendly to the team, even though he does express when he isn't really interested in filming videos. But he knows we just do our job and in the end, he and Oscar usually still have fun in the end.

"Let me drive you home, it's on my route home anyways," Lando speaks up, gesturing outside and I look at him confused. My apartment being on his way home isn't exactly true, at least that's what I thought.

"I thought your house is on the other side of the city. Like...the opposite direction." I ask Lando with a hesitating voice, thinking I might have got something wrong in my memory, but he just laughs softly.

"Got me there." He admits, before adding, "Still, I don't want you to cycle through the rain." I bite on the inside of my cheek. This is a nice offer, but I can't take it. There is no way I am going to allow Lando to drive me home, taking a longer route to finally get home as well. He is spending so much time away from home and I don't want to stop him from doing it as soon as possible.

"But I need my bike to get here tomorrow." I quickly say, which is the truth, because currently I don't have a car and even though I could be walking or take the bus, I don't want to get up earlier, just because the bus leaves at such an impractical time. "And I need to shower anyway." I then add with a shrug of my shoulders. There is nothing better than taking a warm shower after being drenched in the rain. Lando looks at me for a moment, testing like he is trying to figure out if I just lied to him, before he shakes his head.

"Get in my car. I am going to pick you up tomorrow." Lando tells me and I can't let him do that.

"Lan..." I try to speak up, but he just cuts me off.

"Not discussing that." I look at him, debating with myself, but decide that I am not in the mood to discuss this with him.

"Fine." I huff and let Lando lead me to his car, which is luckily parked on the covered part of the parking lot. He puts on the heater during the drive, and I sigh to myself, maybe it isn't too bad being driven home instead of cycling through the rain, being miserable.

"Thank you." I mutter to Lando, who just smiles proudly of himself for getting what he wants.

The weeks go by, and the season starts again, but I stay working at the headquarters. Not long enough in the team to be in for a race weekend yet, or more, not on the rotation list yet. McLaren tries to give the team a balance between being away from home and being able to stay with their families and as much as I appreciate it, I still would like to experience a weekend at the track, preferable sooner rather than later. Being occupied by racing again, Lando and Oscar aren't as often at the headquarters as before, but still come by from time to time.

"You are in early." I notice when I step into the room where we film the teammate videos and Lando is already spread out on the couch. Usually, he stumbles into the room last second, looking like he would fall right back asleep if we let him.

"I can be on time." Lando huffs, sitting up, before he stretches his arms and adds, "If I want to."

I laugh at his words and start to prepare the room for filming. Open the windows for some fresh air, get the scripts for the video. All that was followed by Lando's eyes. At one point, I frown and look at him, no longer accepting being stared at.

"Everything okay?" I ask him and Lando flinches like he is deep down in his mind. Then he reaches for his backpack, pulling out a bag from a bakery. I lean my head to the side when Lando holds out the bag to me and I hesitantly grab it.

"I got you these." Lando mutters, eyes now looking everywhere but at me and I open the bag to look inside. There it is, my favourite pastry in all its glory. The cinnamon smell immediately flooded around me and I looked at Lando in awe.

"You got me franzbrötchen?" I ask him, eyes wandering back to the pastry which I love so dearly, but just don't manage to get in England. Craving them from time to time, but not talented enough to bake them myself.

"You said you liked these, so I brought them for you." Lando shrugs his shoulders like it is no big deal, but I know how difficult it is to get these. And yes, I tried so many bakeries that I lost count of them.

"Where did you get those? I am searching for a bakery selling them forever." My voice is excited like a child on its birthday, and I really hope it is not one of those high-end bakeries that are way too expensive. Well, I might even pay the price if that means I get to eat my favourite pastries again from time to time.

"That's my secret." Lando grins mischievously and adds, "But if you are nice to me, I will bring them more often."

There is a soft smile on my lips, and I can't do anything to be happy about this gift. "Thank you, Lan."

Finally, my first race weekend has come and even though it might be stressful, I still can't get the smile off my lips anymore. Right now, I am on my way to get Oscar and Lando for a bit of filming, but stop in my tracks when I hear them talking. Knowing it is not nice to overhear them, but can't stop myself from doing so.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Oscar. It is like she doesn't even notice me." Lando groans and I tilt my head to the side. I have never heard him be so desperate and I wonder who the girl he is talking about is. Ignoring the soft ache inside of me, I keep listening to them talking.

"Maybe you just need to tell her and not only show her." Oscar suggests and I think that's good advice. Sometimes words are better than actions, even though sweet actions are still a great way of showing feelings. It sometimes just needs a little bit more. "And embarrass myself because she doesn't like me, no thanks." Lando huffs and my heart clenches at his tone. Looks like he is really in love with someone.

"Did you ever think about the possibility that she might also be like you, but isn't sure if you are just nice to her." My heart beats quicker, part of being scared of getting seen listening to the boys and part because it gets me thinking. Lando does do some nice things for me, but that could mean nothing. Or?

"I am not letting a baker specifically make someone's favourite snack or drive them home in the rain, so they don't get sick." Lando's voice is so low now that I need a minute to realise what he said. Getting the favourite snack, especially made for someone...that sounds like the time he got me my favourite pastries and the thing with the rain? Slowly, more pieces click into place, and I step around the corner, deciding I've listened to enough of their conversation.

Oscar spots me first, eyes widening just slightly, but Lando has his face buried in his hands and doesn't notice. I take a deep breath, trying to act like nothing happened, but every time I look at Lando, my heart stumbles again.

"Boys, are you ready for the filming?" I speak up, startling Lando to look upwards. His eyes glimmer with frustration, but I feel like I have to act like I don't notice anything is wrong. Like, I just stepped around the corner and didn't hear him confessing his crush on me.

"Sure." Oscar is the one to answer and then we just go on with our day.

It only takes for Sunday to come until Lando snaps. I wanted to give him time, give myself time to think about everything and doubt all of it. Did he really mean me? Of course he did. Do I want to make the first step? Hard pass. Would it be better to give him signs that I like him as well? Totally. Still, I don't dare to say something, not before the race anyway.

Right now, I am chatting with one of Lando's mechanics. I am amazed by what they are doing every weekend. How they manage to tweak the car exactly like the boys like it and it kind of makes my work feel small. Like it isn't important. He tries to explain me stuff, but when I look at him, more than confused, we both just burst into laughter.

Just then, fingers curl around my wrist and with a harsh pull, I am forced to walk. "Lando, what?" I ask him, almost stumbling behind him while he pulls me away under the confused looks of the mechanics. Lando doesn't look at me, just keeps pulling me behind him until he reaches an empty door, slamming the door close behind us.

"What is wrong with you?" I ask him, trying to lower my voice, but the anger and confusion are bubbling inside of me. Rubbing my fingers over my wrist, trying to ease the soft ache, while Lando just paces up and down.

"What is wrong with me?" He asks like I am imagining things, before huffing, "What is wrong with you!?" I blink at him once, twice, not even knowing what I did wrong from his point of view.

"I just chatted with one of your mechanics, you were the one pulling me away like a madman." I explain my side of the situation and finally, Lando stops the pacing, but he doesn't look at me, eyes planted firmly on the ground.

"You were laughing with him." He mutters and I need a second to understand what he just said, before arching an eyebrow.

"And I am no longer allowed to have fun?" I ask him, leading to him ruffling his curls.

"Fuck, you are...I am just." He tries to explain, stumbling over his own words, before he starts pacing up and down again.

"Lan, what is wrong." I ask him, trying to keep my voice soft. When he doesn't react, I am the one grabbing him by the wrist and finally, he stops in his tracks, before whispering.

"I just want you to see me."

"I don't understand." I manage to choke out, not able to connect the dots, but then Lanno starts to ramble.

"And I just try to figure you out." He just starts and before he even really starts, the fog in my head is clearing up.

"You always have different songs stuck in your head and hum them without even noticing." Lando tells me and I blush a little, hating that I forget the people around me when I have a specific song stuck in my head and just hum a mixture of melody and lyrics.

"You make everyone around you feel wanted." He continues and I know Lando likes to observe his surroundings, but didn't know he thinks that about me.

"You scrunch your nose a little when you think about something." There is a soft smile on his lips, and I can't stop myself from offering him one back.

"And your favourite colour is blue! Not a bright one, but one like the ocean on a stormy day." Lando lets his voice trail off and my heart flutters. This isn't something everyone knows about me, but Lando listens, no matter how dumb or unnecessary the fact might be.

"Lan..." I whisper, trying to tell him about my feelings, but the words get stuck in my throat.

"Fuck, I fell in love with you months ago and tried to show you because I am not good with words, but if I have to stay away from you for any longer, I am going to explode." Before Lando starts his pacing again, I grab his second wrist, holding him in front of me.

"Can I kiss you?" I blurt out with a shaking voice, not knowing how to form the right words to confess my feelings for him. So why not show?

"What?" Lando asks back, eyes wide, flicking between my lips and eyes.

"Can I kiss you?" I ask him, slowly, while looking at his face.

Lando doesn't even answer, doesn't nod his head, instead just leans down and lets his lips crash down on mine. Like he is afraid the moment is going to vanish if he hesitates.

It might not be perfect, a little too desperate, a little too messy, but kind of perfect for us. His hand holding up my chin, my fingers getting tangled in his hair, while my other hand rests right over Lando's heart. I try to stand on my tiptoes to get more out of his touch and he sighs softly against my lips. When we finally break apart, it is just for gasping for air. Mind not ready to be parted, but our lungs are craving for air.

"You have no idea how long I wanted to do that." Lando sighs, forehead resting against mine and his arms wrap around my waist to keep me close to his chest.

"I can imagine when I think of the time when all of your attention started." I smile at him and a laugh rumbles in his chest. Thinking back, I can figure out when his liking for me started and I don't know how I didn't notice earlier.

"I am sorry for not noticing earlier." I apologise to Lando, who just tightens his grip around me, whispering an "No need for apologising" and then presses his lips on mine to kiss me over and over again.

[buried-dog]

TW: vent + violence, suicide, and homophobia mentioned!

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 18 and out of highschool (and payed insane money for it) despite multiple years of trying. As a child I was "diagnosed" with symptoms of ADHD and autism as well math level 3 years behind what's expected for my age. This meant I would receive absolutely no help whatsoever but all the discrimination. The reason my parents heard? Because, and I quote, they were "trying to make their child into an idiot in order to gain benefits" because the three of us "are lazy".

In kindergarten my classmates destroyed my books and toys and my teacher laughed that I was crying about it. When someone turned off lights in the restroom, after brushing my teeth as one of the first kids to be done, the kids banged on the glass door making it fall on my foot. My toes were so broken my shoes were visible stained with my blood. The teacher put a small bandaid on the cut and didn't inform anyone about this. When my mom came to pick me up at 6 pm the teacher was demanding she pay for damages I didn't even cost. My mom basically told her "shut up, you insane bitch, I'm taking my child to hospital" in much nicer words. Turned out I had multiple of my toes crushed and one of my bones cut my skin, that's why I was bleeding. The teacher was not punished or moved in any way.

When I was in my first primary school I was regularly beaten by "gifted kids" who not only were not punished but instead I was forced by my teacher to apologise to my abusers, because at that point it wasn't just bullying, or else I would be kept a year back. Among other things they did was putting my hair on fire, throwing firecrackers at me, throwing me into the frozen pond, under the ice, that was in a park next to the school, destroying my backpack and textbooks, and even cutting me with scissors. If I told the teachers I would be forced to apologize to them. The situation I remember the most is when suddenly a girl attacked me and kicked me so hard in the leg I couldn't walk for the next two days. I remember when a week later I learned my homeroom teacher forgot about this despite the fact she was the one to help me get to the nurse.

In my second primary school I was locked in classrooms during breaks as punishment for not doing homework which ended up with me developing claustrophobia (fear of locked places and situations you can't escape! Not small places! Although they also can trigger.). I was still bullied by students and teachers, but finally it was only verbally. I wish adults would tell me that I have any potential to waste, instead my teachers would regularly say it's good that I was "the way I was" because I wouldnt be able to hold a job anyway. One substitute teacher said to my face during an English lesson that I should just kill myself because I'm useless to society and only a leech. Mind you, I was 14 at that time. Even my class thought that this was too much and reported him. He was not punished in any way and we still had lessons with him. When I was 12 I had an aneurysm. After spending Christmas, new year and my 13th birthday in hospital I was let out early, but was supposed to stay in bed for 2 more weeks. I asked my classmates who lived few houses down the street if I can come by to borrow his notebooks. He told me I can't because he was too embarrassed about me showing up at his house, because as I learned later, while I was dying, my school started a true rumour I'm queer. When I came back to school I was given a week to catch up with everything that happened during those months, but nobody wanted to give their notes to a "dirty fag" so I got in even more trouble academically.

By the time I got to highschool my parents pulled me out of school because they knew if I continued I would just kill myself. You cannot drop out where I'm from so officially I was homeschooled. I have no idea how I managed to pass final exams, but it was literally the exact % I needed to pass them.

Colour me pissed when I talk about how I and many others were literally torture by school and out of nowhere a Gifted Kid crawls out to change the entire conversation to something it wasn't about. It's not that you weren't traumatized by school, it's that it's not about you!

insane to me when former gifted kids hear other people (mainly disabled people and dropouts) talk about being horribly traumatized & irreversibly harmed by the school system and their response 9/10 times is “oh yeah??? you think that’s bad??? well my teacher said I had potential and everyone said I was going places and then I didn’t” like we’re supposed to be absolutely devastated for them because of this. lmfao

[sweetsea42]

Vacationing

pairing: nanami x gn!reader

plot: nanami finally has a break and wants to be with you during his vacation, but you're still working and he has to wait for you to finish some reports. he's clingy and a little off his usual personality

cw: none, just fluff, not that proofread

Wc: 1.6k

Requested by @wawacatsigma I'm sorry it took so long, my dear 😔

Your husband Nanami was a hard-working man, yes, and the first time after years he decided to have some vacations, he didn't expect you to be working during his free time. That's when he finds himself being too clingy and whiny.

Lord, have mercy.

"Darling, please" He said in a calm tone, almost like a whisper, as he tugged on your shirt in an attempt o steal your attention from your laptop. But you really had to finish the report of the day. You have been working from home and there was no way you could put your tasks aside. Being home didn't mean having free time, but your husband couldn't see it this way. 

"I've been home for two endless weeks now, and I can't have my beautiful partner all to myself?". His chair was next to yours by the table, and his upper body was sprawled on the table, only an arm under it holding your shirt. He looked devastated, and not to be mean, but the view had a grip on your heart it was almost impossible to finish what you were doing. But you stayed strong, the best was to come and you planned on surprising him with great news later. "Can't you wait till evening? I'll be done in a few hours".

And the sun lowered in the clear sky. Its golden sunbeams invaded the kitchen window as you still worked o your laptop. Nanami was still there, laying on the table with a warm hand on your arm that held the mouse.

You had never seen him this way, sad and tired of yearning your embrace. So eager to be close to you that he wanted it 24/7. He wanted you in his arms all the time to "make it up for all the time he was away in his endless work". And by the time you finished typing your last email (asking for a two weeks break), it was already night and your husband was sound asleep by your side.

"Ken, come on, let's go to bed" you said, softly rubbing an open palm on his back. His eyes fluttered open, trying to adjust to the lack of light in the room. When he straightened up and started to stand, he stopped and let out a frustrated groan. "Oh, gosh. I was so still my legs fell asleep too". He rubbed his eyes and looked up at you like a puppy. Your face was glowing under the moonlight that now occupied the sunrays place.

What a great window placement, he thought. "you're so pretty my love". Still not being able to stand, he stretched his arms to reach for your face. You lowered a bit for him to catch your cheeks, but instead, he threw his arms around your neck and pulled you fast enough for you to lose balance. Nanami was quick enough to catch you mid-fall and place you on his lap. Still hugging you by the waist, he placed his chin on your shoulder and let out a satisfied sigh.

"Please give me more attention. I had been busy for so long couldn't take proper care of you" Your back was turned to him and you couldn't see his pouty face, but his grip on you tightened at each word he said.

"Well, now you know" you chuckled lightly at your own response. And as if it had resonated on him (and it did), he turned you by pulling your knees, your side now facing his chest. His eyes were watery and pleading. The last time you had seen him act this way was when he got drunk during your honeymoon and asked you to never leave him.

"You're my all, please never think less of you" were some of his words that day. But now, he was not drunk at all. It was the abstinence of being glued to you. "old man, you were never this clingy. What happened?"

"I've been missing more of you all these years. Please spend more time with me" said the man with painfully pleading eyes. "but you have me for two whole days every week"

"Darling, I just realized two days aren't enough" His grip on you started to get a little too tight, and as he realized it, he apologized "I'm sorry, love"

He loosened his hold and rested his forehead on your shoulder, letting out another deep breath that tickled your neck. You brought your hand up to ruffle his soft blond hair, feeling the tension slowly drain from his body.

"I was planning something, you know," you murmured, almost teasing.Nanami turned his head just enough to look up at you, brow furrowed. "Planning what?"

You cupped his cheek and smiled. "Well, now it feels like spoiling a surprise." He stared at you, unblinking. "Tell me."

You shook your head and leaned into him, your nose brushing his temple. "Not yet. You'll like it better that way." Nanami pouted. "You're torturing me., you know that" 

"Am I? I thought I was giving you attention now," you whispered against his skin, the smile in your voice unmistakable.  "You're mean," he said softly.  "and ou love it."

He didn't deny it. Instead, he gently picked you up bridal style, slowly, making sure your legs were tucked in and your arms around his neck, and began walking toward the bedroom.

Nanami softly placed you down on the bed, and then without even giving you a second to move, he collapsed beside you, burying his face in the crook of your neck. His arms found their way around your waist again, and he held you close, like he was afraid you'd leave him. You stayed like that for a moment, your hand stroking lines along his spine, feeling the soft rise and fall of his breathing.

"You know," you whispered, "when you're back to work, you'll regret wasting your entire vacation clinging to me like that." "I won't regret a single minute," he said against your skin."You say that now." "No, I mean it. I don't care if I spend every day of this break glued to your side. That's exactly where I want to be. "He pulled back slightly to look at you, one hand coming up to brush a strand of your hair behind your ear. "I've been working so much for so many years. And I thought it was normal. I thought being exhausted and distant was just what it meant to be an adult, a responsible man with a respectable job. But now that I'm home, and I have time to just feel again... I don't want to go back to how things were."The honesty in his voice hit you hard. He wasn't someone who often showed fragility in his composed demeanor. But here he was, lying beside you, telling you things he'd probably been holding back for a long time

"You're not going back to how things were," you said, brushing your thumb over his cheek. "That's why I asked for time off. I want us to have these two weeks together. Fully." His eyes widened, and for a moment he blinked like he wasn't sure he heard you right. "You asked for time off?", he asked, amused. You nodded. "Just finished the email tonight. I hit send while you were drooling on the table."He huffed a laugh. "I wasn't drooling." You laughed in disbelief. How could he be so stubborn. 

There was a warm silence after that. It was comforting, and the only sound that accompanied both of you was the humming of the refrigerator in the kitchen, some birds chirping their babies to sleep, and the occasional creak of the house settling.

He hen wraped his legs around you. Nanami from years ago would never. He would've see the current Nanami as pathetic for loving someone to the point of acting like a clingy cat. But now it didn't matter. All that mattered was the fact that he was with you, sharing moments and being a family.

The next days of your vacation felt like a dream come true for him, even though he had never dreamed about it. He never thought he would crave for a domestic life so hard, and it showed to you how much he liked this lifestyle. 

"Darling, how about you quit your job? I was thinking about how these days were so special to me, and I don't want them to ever end" he said after thinking for days."But then you're the one that would have to quit your job" he blinked in confusion. "Like, for both of us to stay home like this, u should quit your job. I'm already home all the time". "oh..."

You just knew he would never think of quitinh his job. A few months without work? He would go absolutely crazy.

"okay, that's a possiblity. Sounds way better too" he said, unblinkingly, not a drop of confusion in his eyes, just happiness.

OKAY??

"okay... we need to think about it before making any decisions..." you said, brushing off the topic. Not because you didn't want it, you did, but because you thought he was still too sleepy to think straight.

-

A/N: sorry it took too long. my new job is killing me mentally and phisically.

[howiswhatawhy]

WYD Now? - Bucky Barnes x reader

Pairing: childhood bestfriend! Bucky x singer! reader

A/N: I love him so much your honor. Literally can't stop writing for him. This is based on WYD Now? by Sadie Jean. It's such a beautiful song, I couldn't stop listening to it ever since I rediscovered my Bucky playlist. I put more thoughts into this than the last fic and I hope you like it<3

Playlist in question: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5A4PA2qyqdiJJibwfeaojl?si=236b0a08fd0f4670

Summary: You think you see Bucky watching your show after years of no contact. It's probably just your imagination, so why can't you shake off this ache in your chest? Word Count: 2.9k Warnings: fuckboy bucky, whole lotta angst + much more longing, childhood bestfriends to strangers to lovers. not proofread (again)

I saw you in the back of my show last night

Standing underneath the exit sign

I know it wasn't really you though

'Cause you were always in the front row

The stage light shines almost blindingly. You’re used to it now, though. There was a time when it was overwhelming, almost daunting, to be in the eyes of so many people. Back then, Bucky was your rock. The anchor that kept you grounded. The calm in a world full of storms. 

But now, the thrill excites you, the heat of the spotlight feels like home. You’re not sure which you crave more, the rapt attention of a thousand strangers or the careful, loving gaze of just one person. Your person. Bucky. But if you just let yourself really listen to your heart, you’re almost sure you’d choose the latter. 

Almost.

Your gaze drifts beyond the crowd, past the stage lights and into the shadows at the edge of the room. That’s when you see him. Leaning against the wall beneath the dull red glow of the exit sign, arms crossed, eyes on you like he never left. Like he never broke you.

And then, he’s gone.

You’re probably just imagining it. Bucky wouldn’t be here, he had better things to do than to haunt your show like a ghost. There was a time where Bucky would be at every front row seat of your shows. Granted, the venues were small, maybe three rows total, but he was there. Always.

You don’t really know what happened. It doesn’t matter anyways. How could anything matter that much—enough to cost you him? But what’s done is done. There’s no taking it back. No turning back the time.

So now, you focus on the moment. Focus on performing. Because that’s what you do best. Perform. In front of thousands of eyes. In front of no one. In front of the mirror. You perform. Pretending to be okay.

——

And I've been looking for love online

And maybe some of them are real good guys

They're never gonna be like you though

You set the bar above the moon so

It’s not like men are all bad. It’s just that they’re worse, comparatively, when your bar was set by Bucky Barnes. And you did try to find love. Tried to move on. Tried everything just to feel something. But nothing you did ever came close. Close to the way he made you feel when he held you when you thought the world was against you. Close to the way he made you feel when he accidentally brushed his hands against yours, and it felt like lightning had just struck you both. Close to the way he made you feel just by looking at you, like you’re the only damn person in this Earth. And to him, that was true. It is true. At the very least, you’re the only person that ever mattered to him. You were his world. His safe place.

But none of it matters now.

Because even as you stand here, surrounded by the lights and the crowd, that feeling is gone. All that’s left is the echo of it. A memory of what once was, and the ache of never finding it again. 

You try to move on, to pretend you don’t still hear his voice in your head, whispering that you’re not alone, that everything will be okay. But the truth is, no one has ever made you feel the way he did. 

No one ever will.

——

Now that you finally got the job you like

I'm making money off the songs I write

I know you said that I could call you

I wonder if you wanna call too

Someone said he was doing well. That he finally got into that company he wanted and he finally escaped the hellhole. You heard it through a friend of a friend, like a whisper in the wind. You wonder if he’s really happy. You hope he is. You really really do.

You’re doing alright too. In a way better place than you were before. Sometimes it all feels like a dream, a mixture of your worst nightmare and the version of your life you used to write about in your journal when you were fifteen. He said you could call. You remember the way he looked at you that night — tired, unsure, but still trying. “You know, whatever happens… you could always call me, right?” You nodded back then. Maybe even believed it. But people say a lot of things they don't mean. Still, some nights your fingers hover over his name. Just in case. Just in case he meant it. Just in case he still would pick up.

——

Now that the future doesn't feel so far

It doesn't seem as wrong to want what's ours

And after everything that's happened

I wanna put it in the past tense

People grow. They grow and they change and nothing is ever constant. You knew that. You knew that better than anyone else. Even if sometimes you felt like you might forget about it, the constant ache—the ache your father left when he walked out the door—never truly let you. It sat there, quiet but insistent, like a low hum beneath every laugh, every moment of joy, every silence. 

That didn’t stop the teenage you from hoping, though. It didn’t stop you from looking at Bucky like he was the exception to every rule, like maybe he’d be the one to stay. You held onto that hope with both hands, white-knuckled and desperate, because something about him made you believe in forever, even when you knew better.

You and Bucky stopped being friends three years ago. Though if we’re being honest, you and Bucky stopped being friends long before that. Not if you count the longing you carried like a secret, folded tight in the corners of your heart. Friends don’t look at each other that way. 

And he looked at you too. God, he did. In the way his gaze lingered when you talked, in the way he remembered things you said in passing like they meant everything. But Bucky Barnes was a walking contradiction. He flirted with everyone, kissed girls at parties like it didn’t mean anything, and smiled at you like you were the one exception. You never knew if you were special or just stupid.

And you were both too proud—too scared—to ask.

The night everything fell apart, it wasn’t a fight so much as a slow, sharp unraveling. You watched him leave that party with someone else. Again. And for once, you didn’t pretend it didn’t hurt. You didn’t smile through it or wait up or brush it off when he stumbled back into your life a week later with a half-assed apology and tired eyes.

You didn’t say anything at all.

Then, something shifted. You stopped answering his texts right away. Stopped showing up to places just because you thought he might be there. You started saying no when he called late at night, asking if you were up, like he hadn’t just spent the evening with someone else. You weren’t cruel, you never could be, not with him, but you were distant. Careful. Like someone learning not to touch fire, even if it still called to you.

Bucky noticed. Of course he did. You saw it in the crease between his brows when you laughed a little too loudly at someone else’s joke, felt it in the way he started watching you from across the room like maybe you were slipping out of his reach. And you were.

He tried, in his own way.

Cornered you in the kitchen at Sam’s birthday party, leaning against the counter like it wasn’t taking everything in you not to look at him. Like he hadn’t been circling you all night, waiting for a moment when you weren’t surrounded by other people. Other distractions.

“Did I do something wrong, baby?” he asked, soft and unsure in a way that didn’t match his usual confidence.

Baby.

There’s that word again. Your heart stuttered, traitor that it was.

But you didn’t show it. Just shrugged, cool and quiet, like the sound of that word didn’t carve straight through you.

He called everyone that. Baby. Sweetheart. Doll. It didn’t mean anything. At least, that’s what you told yourself. That’s what you clung to when your throat got tight and you couldn’t quite meet his eyes.

“No,” you said finally, voice calm. Distant. “You didn’t do anything.”

But your chest ached with everything you didn’t say.

You wanted to scream yes. Yes, you did. You made me feel like I mattered and then reminded me I didn’t. You made me believe in something, and then left me to carry it alone. But instead, you stayed quiet. Because if you said any of it out loud, you weren’t sure you’d survive hearing his answer.

He stood there a moment longer, waiting. Watching. Maybe hoping.

Then he nodded, pushed off the counter with a quiet sigh, and left you there with your silence.

And eventually… he stopped trying.

But some things don’t end just because you stop talking.

The wanting never really left you. It dulled, maybe. It muted itself into something quieter, more manageable. Something you could pack away between polite smiles and half-meant goodbyes. But it never died.

Because every time you hear his name, your heart still flinches. Every time someone mentions him in passing, you feel your pulse skip like it used to. You still remember the sound of his laugh, the shape of his mouth around your name, the way it used to feel like you were the only two people in the world.

And you’re tired. Tired of feeling like nothing could ever compare. Tired of longing for the ghost of him. No, not the ghost of him. Tired of longing for him. The real him. You’re tired of pretending it was only ever a phase. A crush. A moment you’ve outgrown.

It’s been 3 years of missing him and many more years of longing for him. So you decided you had enough of it. You tried getting rid of the wanting, but it didn’t work. You tried distracting yourself, that only made you miss him more. You tried being mad, really mad. Told yourself he didn’t deserve that kind of space in your chest. That if he wanted you, he would’ve said something. Done something. Chosen you. And that just left you feeling unwanted.

But there’s one thing you haven’t tried: talking to him.

So you do.

You don’t think. Don’t overanalyze or rehearse a speech in your head. You just pick up your phone and press his name before you can talk yourself out of it. Before fear and pride and all the years between you can pull you back under.

It rings.

Once.

Twice.

“Hello?”

Fuck. dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry.

“Doll, you okay?”

And you just sob.

——

‘Cause I don’t wanna be 20-something

And still in my head about

17 in my bedroom talking

It took Bucky exactly 9 minutes to get to your place. You didn’t even tell him where you were. Didn’t need to. The moment he heard your sob, he didn’t hesitate. 

“I’m on my way. Stay on the phone with me, okay?”

You didn’t answer. You couldn’t, not with the lump in your throat and the way everything you had been holding in was spilling out. But you stayed on the line, the sound of your shaky breaths mixing with his muffled voice on the other side.

You barely remember the time passing. You only know the next thing you hear is the sound of your doorbell ringing—quick, urgent.

Bucky.

You rush to the door, barely pulling it open before he’s already there, eyes wide with concern. His face is soft, but there’s something tense in the way he looks at you.

This brings you back to when you were 17. Crying in your room over something small that happened. Bucky would hold you and wipe your tears away. Then he would try to talk about everything and nothing at the same time, to get you out of your head. And it worked. Every problem felt small when you have your Bucky Barnes next to you.

But you’re not 17 anymore. And it’s hard for Bucky to comfort you when he’s the reason for your broken heart at the first place. 

“Tell me what’s on your pretty mind, sweetheart,” Bucky tries.

He says it like it’s still easy. Like no time has passed. Like you haven’t spent the last three years trying to forget the way his voice used to sound wrapped around your name.

You blink at him, eyes glassy, heart pounding so loud you swear it fills the whole room. You want to yell at him. Kiss him. Tell him to leave. Beg him to stay. You want to do everything and nothing at the same time.

“You,” you whisper. It’s all you can manage at first. “You’re what’s on my mind.”

His face shifts. Like the words punch the air out of his lungs.

“All the time,” you add, voice breaking. “You’ve been on my mind for years, Bucky. And I tried—God, I tried so hard to forget. To move on. But it always comes back to you. It’s always you.”

He steps forward, cautiously, like you’re made of something fragile and he’s finally figured out he’s been the one cracking you all along.

“I didn’t know,” he says, voice low. “I swear, doll, I didn’t know it hurt you that much. I thought…” He trails off, jaw clenched like he can’t bring himself to finish the thought. “I thought you didn’t want me.”

You laugh, bitter though you don’t mean it to be. “I wanted you so much it hurt.”

And maybe that’s all it takes. For everything to unravel. For the silence to finally shatter. Because when he reaches for you again, you don’t pull away.

——

You said that by now we’d

Paint the walls of our shared apartment

You’re still everything I want and

I think we can work it out

“I used to picture it, you know,” he says, voice low. “What it’d be like if we ever figured it out.”

“Our place,” he says. “Some shitty apartment with a leaky faucet and bad lighting. But we’d paint the walls. Together. You’d pick the palette, I’d botch the corners.”

The image of it burns your brain. God knows what you would give to have that. The sheer domesticity of it all.

Bucky had been everything you’d ever wanted. He is everything you’ve ever dreamed of. And maybe that’s the problem. Dreams aren’t built to last in real light. Not when they’re made of “almosts” and “what ifs.”

But he’s sitting next to you now, limbs tangled and his thumb is brushing your cheek. He doesn’t look at you when he speaks next. “I’m sorry,” he says, voice barely more than breath. “For the way I hurt you.”

Your eyes stay on him, even as his stay fixed on the floor. His thumb stills against your skin.

“I didn’t mean to. I just... I didn’t know how to stay when things got hard. Didn’t know how to hold something good without breaking it.”

He’s quiet for a long beat, thumb stilling against your cheek. When he finally speaks, his voice is rough, like it’s scraped against something sharp on the way out.

“I thought you didn’t want me,” he says. “Back then, I really believed that. I thought you were done. So I didn’t push. Just let you leave and followed you around like a shadow, watching from the edges, never able to find the courage to fix what we had."

You blink, caught between disbelief and the ache that’s never quite left.

“I should’ve asked. Should’ve fought harder,” he continues, voice barely above a whisper. “But I didn’t know how. And maybe I was scared too. Scared that if I looked too closely, I’d find out I was the only one who felt everything I felt.”

You take a shaky breath. It feels like the first real one you’ve taken in years. “I wanted you,” you say quietly. “I still do.”

His eyes flicker down to your mouth, then back up again, searching your face like he’s making sure this is real. Like he’s afraid to ruin it by wanting too much.

“You still do?” he whispers, almost disbelieving. You nod, just once. “Yeah.”

That’s all it takes.

He leans in slowly, carefully, giving you time to pull away, to say no, but you don’t want to. Not when it’s everything you’ve been wishing for all your life. You tilt your face toward his, eyes fluttering closed just as his lips brush against yours. It’s not rushed or desperate. It’s quiet. Careful. Reverent.

His hand slips from your cheek to the back of your neck, cradling you gently as he deepens the kiss, just slightly, just enough to feel like home. And when he finally pulls back, his forehead rests against yours. “I missed you,” he murmurs. And you allow yourself to dream once again, a much more real and grounded dream. Maybe we could work it out this time. He leans back a little, studying you with that half-grin that used to undo you. “So,” he murmurs, like he’s trying not to smile too much, “what are you doing now?”

[ilyprs]

P I S T A N T H R O P H O B I A | s.geum

───𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐧𝐮𝐦𝐛───

pistanthrophobia : the fear of trusting people, forming close romantic relationships, and being vulnerable in interpersonal connections

' in which she can't escape her first love

•seong-je x reader

•part 3. (part 1&2 are out on my profile💌)

ׂׂૢ་༘______________________________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐

▶︎•၊၊||၊|။||||။၊|။•✩♬ now playing: monster | irene & seulgi

Lee Serim was literally counting the seconds until the school day was finally over, and she had to pull herself together just to survive it patiently. The mere thought of what was awaiting her later made her hands instantly start to sweat, and a wave of nausea hit her.

„Yah, what are we doing later today?" Gotak's voice snapped her out of her thoughts as the two of them stood in the cafeteria line to get their lunch. The girl hadn't been listening, her mind elsewhere—or more precisely, on someone else—when she looked at him, startled, a confused expression on her face. Gotak quickly realized his best friend hadn't been paying attention and clicked his tongue in annoyance.

„Man, what's wrong with you lately, Serim?" he asked, concerned. When she just kept staring at him and didn't answer, he rolled his eyes in frustration, slowly growing impatient. The problem wasn't that Serim didn't trust him. On the contrary, she would've trusted Gotak with her life—he had proven his loyalty to her plenty of times. That wasn't the issue. The issue was that she simply couldn't tell him because she knew what kind of consequences it would bring. Only after changing schools had she truly realized how dangerous this "Union" business really was. The boys had explained their activities to her and told her just how immoral everything about it was. And as if that wasn't bad enough, Seong-je had to be one of the founders of that horrible system. Baku was always in a bad mood whenever the topic of the Union came up, which was why they all avoided talking about it whenever they could. Sure, the friend group had been confronted a few times by Union members, but each time the teens had fought back and were usually left alone afterward—no one dared touch them again. Atleast not until a new guy was naive enough to try again and learned his lesson the hard way.

It wasn't until a year into their friendship that the boys found out what had happened between Serim and Seong-je. When she finally told them everything, they were shocked. The boys simply couldn't imagine a time when Seong-je wasn't driven by hatred and greed but could actually be loving. Especially Baku, who had known him the longest, didn't believe a word at first. But eventually, he realized she had nothing to gain from lying, and her honesty became clear. From the moment she confessed, the boys never let her walk anywhere alone at night again—especially not in areas where gang members usually hung out. Their protective instincts were no joke. Just hearing Seong-je's name made them instantly tense up. They were also one of the main reasons there was never another meeting between Serim and Seong-je. Even if she had wanted to meet him, the boys would've ruined that plan and stopped her from going through with such a reckless idea.

Trying her best to steer Gotak away from the topic, Serim brought up the new student who had transferred that day. She told him the guy seemed strange and incredibly cold. She had also overheard whispers from other students saying he had put someone into a coma—but Serim didn't believe that. If it were true, she figured she'd find out soon enough anyway.

Gotak knew she was trying to change the subject, but he also knew that forcing her to talk wouldn't work. If Serim had been ready to open up, she would've done it on her own. So he just looked at her gently and listened patiently. He wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders and ruffled her hair, which earned him a hard slap against his head. He didn't bring the subject up again.

She had no idea how she'd made it through the day, but somehow, she was still alive—though she'd honestly have preferred not to be. If she weren't alive, she wouldn't have to deal with all her problems, most of which revolved around him. The entire school day, she had been wondering what to do, because there was no way she wanted to go to that meeting. She knew nothing good would come of it—Seong-je attracted trouble like a magnet. No matter where he went or what he did, he always ended up in a fight or some kind of dirty business. Serim never wanted to be part of any of it. Still unsure, she pulled her school bag closer and sighed loudly. The weather was sunny and not cold at all—just how Lee Serim liked it. Unfortunately, she didn't get to enjoy it for long.

—

She had finished her long training session and quickly taken a shower before blow-drying her hair and slipping into fresh clothes. She tucked her hair behind her ears and threw on a cardigan before slinging her training bag over her shoulder and leaving the locker room. The training had drained the last of her energy, and all she wanted now was to crawl into her cozy bed and never get up again. The fact that she had barely slept the night before made that idea even more appealing.

When it came to training, her father never showed her mercy. He always emphasized how unsafe the area was and kept pushing her beyond her limits. Gotak and Baku hadn't come to training that day, both caught up in private matters, and Serim had missed them. It never took long for her to start missing her friends. Seeing them every day felt so natural that it always felt off when they weren't around. With a heavy heart, she left the gym and sent a quick message to the group chat the trio shared:

"Just finished training. I'll text you when I'm home."

Baku replied immediately, telling her to be careful and to call him right away if anything happened. Serim smiled at his protective instincts and glanced quickly at the clock on her phone.

8:14 PM.

Her heart skipped a beat, and she considered calling Baku after all, uncertain of what might be waiting for her once she took just a few more steps. Seong-je hadn't sent her another message, but Serim was smart enough to know he'd never leave it at that. She knew that no matter where she went, he could show up at any moment. With ears sharp and alert, she left the street where the gym was and headed home.

She checked every corner three times and expected someone to appear at any moment, avoiding all eye contact with strangers. She had to be as paranoid as possible—otherwise, she wouldn't make it home tonight. Serim acted like someone on high alert, and a few people were already giving her odd looks, but she didn't care. Her safety came first, and as long as Seong-je was still alive, she would never be safe on the streets at night. Not from strangers—but from him.

Serim was about five minutes from her apartment when she suddenly saw a shadow between her legs. She whipped around instantly. Her heart was racing, and her body went into survival mode as she gripped her bag tightly and prepared to fight off whoever was following her. But when she turned, no one was there—just a small black cat with white spots circling around her legs and meowing loudly.

Still breathing heavily, Serim took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down.

False alarm.

She immediately dropped to her knees and began petting the super cute cat. Cats were her absolute favorite animals, and she could never resist them. Unfortunately, her father had a cat allergy, so she could never have one of her own, which made her sad every time she thought about it. If it were up to her, she'd rescue and adopt every stray cat she saw—but that was just wishful thinking. Reality looked a lot different. Smiling happily, she sat there, now rubbing the cat's belly as it rolled onto its back, clearly enjoying the attention. She quickly pulled out her phone and took a photo before starting to talk to it in a baby voice.

She completely lost track of time and didn't even notice someone quietly stepping up behind her—until this time, she really did see a shadow behind her. Her heart stopped. Damn it. She hadn't been careful enough. Her heart stopped for a second and she cursed herself out for being this reckless. Serim didn't even need to turn around to know who it was. She could feel it. His presence was unmistakable.

„You didn't come."

That was all he said. His voice was rough, and she could hear the cigarette which was sitting in his mouth.

She fought with everything in her not to turn around and look at his ridiculously handsome face. She had never been able to resist him.

Without a word, she gave the cat one last stroke, took a deep breath, stood up quickly, and started walking—without even giving him a glance. She heard him hiss quietly behind her, then the sound of a cigarette hitting the pavement, followed by a hand grabbing her wrist, pulling her back. Serim tried to yank her arm away, but he was faster and stronger. He always was. Seong-je turned her toward him, forcing her to face him.

Seong-je looked deep into her eyes and said nothing at first. Oh how much she had missed that beautiful face of his. His grip didn't loosen even though Serim tried hard to break free. He weirdly seemed to cherish this encounter between the old lovers.

„Let me go, what the fuck!" she snapped angrily, pulling harder at her wrist.

This time, he let go—and because she hadn't expected it, she couldn't catch her balance in time and fell flat on her butt.

Those were the first words they had exchanged in two years, face-to-face, and they ended with her on the ground.

In her dreams, the first words would have been more romantic—but reality, as always, was far more brutal. She looked up at him and saw that stupid smirk on his face, which only made her angrier. She harshly balled her fist and it took everything in her to not just hit the damn ground she was now sitting on.

„You could've just told me you missed me. You didn't have to get on your knees for it, baby," he said teasingly, slowly kneeling in front of her. That smirk never left his face, and Serim saw red. She couldn't describe how much she hated him and that dirty mouth in that moment. Still - his words left her speechless for a moment and a small blush appeared on her cheeks despite her hard efforts. Serim was very easy to get flustered when it came to him and he knew it. He immediately picked up her blushing cheeks and only grinned harder at the girl sitting in front of him.

Without a word, she raised her right hand—and the next moment, Seong-je's face turned to the side. A bright red handprint formed on his cheek from the slap she had just landed. Serim knew that what she'd done was dangerously stupid, but in that moment, she didn't care. She just felt so exposed near him knowing that he could always read her like a book. Seong-je had always known exactly which buttons to push to make her lose control.

But he just pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, fixed his glasses which slipped due to the impact of her slap and looked at her with amusement. That bastard enjoyed pushing her to the edge, took pleasure in making her feel crazy. Even though it had to hurt, he didn't show any sign of pain. Even worse, he laughed about it.

„Baby, you know how much that turns me on right? Are you trying to seduce me right now?"

He laughed even louder, and his glasses reflected the stunned expression on her face. She desperately wanted to scream at him and hit him at the same time, she was just so fed up with everything. But none of that happened, instead he slowly stood up, then yanked her up by the arm. Once she was on her feet, she instantly pulled away from him. Her mind was spinning, and she felt so helpless in that moment that she almost started to cry—but she held herself together. She had promised herself she'd never cry because of him again, and she had no intention of breaking that promise now.

Seong-je looked at her for a long time before placing his hand on her cheek and leaning closer.

„You don't know how much I missed that helpless look on your face. Nothing I've done since then has made me feel the way just one look from you does."

He spoke softly, gazing deeply into her eyes. She was frozen in place, unable to move. His eyes had something hypnotic about them, and she couldn't resist them. She stared at him for several seconds—until that smirk reappeared. That was when reality snapped her back.

Without warning, she stomped on his foot with all her strength and spun around to run. She knew that no matter how fast she ran, he'd catch up. But she didn't care. If she wanted to survive, she had to get as far away from him as possible.

„You'll never escape me, Sera—remember that!" he called after her, laughing loudly enough for her to hear.

The old nickname he used for her made her skin crawl and left her feeling sick. She briefly considered turning around and shouting an insult at him—but knew it would only excite him more, so she held back. She was already turning the next corner when she saw him still standing there, taking a slow drag from a cigarette she hadn’t noticed he even pulled out with a wide grin—

—and she ran for her life.

taglist: @gacktsa @dripoftheseus @rockerica @b3autyist3rror @jaymiwrld @shonerd @mordessaa @inhoswifee

[grumpymirelurkqueen]

You and the guys are stuck with a bomb. They think they're going to die with you, so they get flirty with you.

Maybe it's a bit ooc. I think I've read this kind of fic somewhere before, but I can't remember who or where. So sorry…

sorry for my bad english

My request are open !

Ghost : Ghost would be angry and stressed, Simon would be depressed but happy that you could die together. He would fight first and foremost just to look good in front of you. But in reality, he's delighted. Maybe that's toxic, but that's what I think of Ghost. He wouldn't want it to be with anyone else, whether it was you or him. He wouldn't want to see you with anyone but him.

You helped him, both physically and psychologically. After that, you were the only psychologist who wanted to talk about his problems. You were his friend first, then his shrink and then his work colleague. He never wanted to talk to you about his feelings when you were friends, but then he jumped in. Never wanting to be the weird patient who falls in love with his psychologist. So he didn't say anything. But if you die right afterwards, no one will be able to judge him…

So when you go back to him to tell him there's no way out. And that he hasn't managed to defuse the bomb, all he can think about is you.

Within seconds he had his lips on yours. His mask didn't block the contact. A flash of electricity ran through your bones. You didn't think he'd think of you in that way. You who had the same vision as him. Maybe in a world he'd be able to tell you what was on his mind. For the moment he only had your lips and tongue.

Soap : Soap is a professional bomb-maker, at least that's what he boasted when the captain introduced you. You didn't question it. You've heard things about him, like surviving a bullet to the head (because he wouldn't look too hot with a scar, would he?).

He meticulously tries to defuse it. Carefully and precisely. But nothing. Just silence, rattling and Soap's groans of frustration. You've given up on surviving this bomb for far too long. Maybe you could spend a little time with the man you've been fantasising about.

You ask him to sit down with you, something he couldn't refuse. But what to do next to a woman he loves. That face tensed up a little as he thought about how to tell you how he feels without saying too much. You thought he was still on the bomb.

‘You know,’ he pauses to consider whether this is a good idea, ’I'd like to do something before I die with you. He finishes by looking into your eyes.’

You couldn't make out what was behind those blue eyes. But something deep in his gaze made you blush a little. You look at him the way he looks at you, passion.He puts his hand on yours, like unspoken words. With a gentle, loving smile, you cupped his face so that he could look at you.

‘I would be the happiest woman to die with you Johnny.’

And with that, you kiss her. You convey all your feelings in that kiss. Nothing to hide. He was surprised, he wanted to be the first to make the move. But he made up for it by holding you tightly in his arms. He too put his feelings.The closer the countdown got to detonation, the more passionate and impatient he became. With a certain romanticism. Like soft and sweet, honey in both your mouths.

Then a clearing of the throat. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Ghost annoyed with the two of you.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Has it always been here?

Gaz :He won't let it get him down even if he doesn't understand this bomb, made by a five-year-old. Knowing that you're in the room with him is stressful.Not that you're stressing him out, you're past that stage of ‘romantic’ shyness. He just doesn't want you to die. He does, you don't. Compared to Ghost, he wouldn't want you to die. He's far too romantic for that. He'd like to die and see you happy, even with another man. It doesn't matter to him.

He grunted in adolescent frustration. A little too excessive in his gestures. You didn't understand him. How could he be so stressed, and you too relaxed?

‘Come on Kyky, what are you so worried about?’

‘And you, how did you manage to be so relaxed? You could hear the anger, but also the underlying sadness in her voice.’

‘Well, I have confidence in your abilities, Kyky,’ you admitted.

‘Well, not me’ You couldn't hear it. But you could see him. His shoulders low, his eyes sad. You stroked his shoulders with both hands, comforting him.

‘Kyle, he raises his eyes to you, surprised that you call him by name, what is it,’ you ask with a soft smile on your lips.’

‘I didn't want things to be like this,’ he admitted. I wanted to protect you, to cherish you, even from afar if that had been possible. But instead, look where we're both at. Both ready to die without putting a word down about our relationship.’

‘So in our next life come and get me and marry me’ A wisp of hope runs through her eyes. Like a silent promise of love.

A huge bang was heard. But it didn't come from the bomb. You turn round to see Soap and Ghost. They've blown the hinges off the door. ‘Oops, we interrupted a few, well, we'll come back later’

Cpt Price : With this man, expect him to carry you like a princess, a doe-eyed gaze into your eyes as the red and orange smoke from the bomb explodes behind him. Thanking him with a drooling, greasy kiss. Oh no, sorry, that's in his current fantasy.

In reality, he'd be stressed, biting his lip. Looking at him, you think he's thinking, honestly, he's having a waking nightmare. Another semi-romantic, he's too old for that.So he tries everything he can to get you out of the building, but you're locked in. He calls the guys several times on the walkie-talkie. But they don't answer. He's hiding the stress of losing you.It's just a bomb that won't do much damage if you're far away. So he takes your hand and leads you to the room over there. He knocks over a table, his feet towards the wall. Then, in an authoritative tone, he orders you to sit down between the wall and the table. Which you do without saying a word.You had seen and admitted in time not to contradict his orders.

He follows close behind, settling between your thighs. Forcing your back against the wall and putting your legs around his hips. His back to the table, a position to protect you. But you don't experience things like that. It felt like a sexual position. You could feel his breath on your neck, warm and sweet. It gives you the shivers, he notices.

‘I'm sorry about this position, it's okay, it doesn't require any sexual overtones to remain professional.’

‘Yes it's fine, I like this position, you're blushing violently as you realise what you've said, I mean not like that…’

He giggles at your comment that you like this position. Maybe later he can put you in this position under sexier circumstances.

Price 🥵🥵

[senieni]

Park Sunghoon × Reader

Notes : angst, lovers to exes to strangers, bittersweet ending, idol!sunghoon, fast-paced, both have reasons, everyone gets hurt at one point, communication is the key people gosh, 10 to none dialogues, more on narration

a depiction of what's it like to lose the spark and slowly lose everything of what had been there in silence

How Can You Look At Me And Pretend I'm Someone You've Never Met ?

ENHYPEN MSTRLIST

Maybe it was your fault. Or maybe it was his. Honestly, you can't even remember anymore. Where it started, when it started, how it started.

"See, this is why I told you not to push it, you idiot!" You gently scold the boy, carefully putting ointment on his ankle. His fall on the ice had been a bit bad, the sprain was worse because it had already been hurting and he just had to push himself still.

He groans. "C'mon, it's not that bad—no it's bad! It's bad, so don't do it!" He pleads as your hand threatens to slap his ankle to prove your point.

You fake a scowl and brought your hand to tap gently at his ankle, his foot recoiling in reflex. "We'll have a movie and foodie night instead."

"As you wish, I'll make it up next week, love." He chuckles and leans it to peck your lips, earning a smile from you and a wider one from him.

the devil in your eyes,

2 years ago you would never believe you if you told her it would end up like it. She'd cry and he will console her, whispering how absurd it was and promising sugarcoated words that would end up nowhere.

"You... you're giving up figure skating?" You stared at your Sunghoon in disbelief. Was the world ending? There was no way in the seven pits of hell and seven thousand multiverses your ice obsessed boyfriend would ever stop skating.

He smiled sheepishly, but confident. "I figured I would try something new but sure. I think being an idol would suit me as well as good as figure skating too. It's interesting, besides, my looks alone already pass doesn't it?" He wiggles his eyebrows and smiles smugly.

Your eyebrows twitch. "You— that's not the point! Why now? You're almost at the peak, love, why turn it down now? Did something happen?" You know it's not a bad thing to try something new, and your boyfriend had every right to change his mind if he wants, it's his life, but figure skating had been his life since he was a child, your concerns go beyond what interests him.

He smiles fondly at your worry and ruffles your hair. "Nothing happened, love. This just... I don't know how to explain it. It's calling me, [Name]." He says with eyes full of determination and passion, and you can't disagree.

But something about it makes you feel uneasy.

won't deny the lies

But the present you couldn't even care anymore. At least that's what you forced yourself to do. You couldn't, because if you did, you'd end up ruining yourself. So you stopped.

"Holyshit, I actually got accepted." He shakes his head as he laughs, looking at the invitation letter in his hand.

The uneasiness inside you begins to clot again, but you force it down, not even knowing why it's there. "You say that after all the ego boost for yourself?" You pinch his nose.

He shrugs with a wide grin. "What can I say, charms through and through." You both share a laugh at his usual remarks.

You share his pain throughout the whole hell months of I-Land too. You shared his rants, his frustrations, his vents, his cries, his laughs, his improvements, his new friends, his determination, his persistence, and his passion. You've witnessed it all. His hardwork. The respect and spot he earned.

The smile you wore when he secured his final spot wasn't out of pure happiness for your boyfriend. Sure, you were happy and proud of him for coming and enduring this far, but there was something else.

Guilt.

As his time goes by in I-Land, your uneasiness grows with him. There was something about the thought of him becoming an idol that made you want to vomit. You couldn't place it. You couldn't think of any serious reason why. You tried placing it as just some worry because your dynamics will have to change, but something inside you knew something else was coming.

And it brought tears to your eyes as you clapped for him.

you've sold, i'm holding on too tight

Enhypen was a success. Their debut and overall current standing was smooth sailing and a huge hit. You were happy for them, really.

Belift and Hybe agreed to let you continue your relationship under the condition that you must never meet personally and continue being long distance. It was a hard decision to make, but it was your best shot, better than nothing, so you both took it, settling for calls and messages. You had no complains, everything was going smoothly.

You were happy. The uneasiness didn't bother you much anymore. It was still there, lingering, but wasn't a bother, so you dismissed it as just baseless worry for Hoon. Everything is okay afterall.

Until it proved you wrong.

There it was, the start. With Enhypen's growing fame comes with their growing schedules. Come one, well knew it was coming, inevitable, you understood that from day one. You didn't have any problem with your boyfriend's busy schedule as long as you'd still be together. You could deal with less calls and texts.

But that was the problem.

At first, you thought you were just overreacting because you got a bit used to always getting called after a shoot, Sunghoon would even bring along other members sometimes. The rowdy boys would always tell you how happy they were that this new brand and show collabed with them and how nervous they were. A few minutes later he would kick them out to have some alone times with you and he would tell you every fascination he had with his new idol life. He would tell you every ups and downs, you would see every tear that dripped from his precious eyes and you would console him and remind him of his hardwork. You would be his anchor.

You saw the stars in his eyes whenever he talks about his job, his passion, his newfound dream. Not even figure skating had him in this kind of chokehold.

Until those stories became summarized, the summarized became the name of the brand or the show, the names became 'another shoot', and the shoot became 'how are yous' and 'make sure to eats'. The first few times were easy to let go. You understood it came with their growing schedules, you couldn't blame him for being too tired because they were just starting to get used to being that busy. They don't have the original stamina to keep up with so many things to do. And so you left it alone. You hung up when he says he's tired, when his eyes drop, when he sighs, as a way of letting him rest.

It wasn't until your friend had asked how Sunghoon was that you realized something.

"I've been seeing Enhypen all over the city now too, gosh, you must be so proud!" Your friend gushes at you.

"Ofcourse I am, they've earned this. If they weren't all over the city I would've given them a virtual beating." You laughed and joked.

"In any case, how's Sunghoon, with all these, he must be really busy, huh?" Another asks.

You smiled at them and waved a hand. "Yeah, he's tired and busy."

"Not that, silly. Ofcourse we know he's tired and busy, that's common and usual idol stuff. I meant, any new particular stuff? How are the two or you going?" Your friend laughs and wiggles her eyebrows.

That made you pause.

"How would she know what's going on in his stuff, he's the idol, not her, duh!"

"Well, she's not just 'her', she's the girlfriend, duh! Besides, it doesn't have to be idol stuff, we wouldn't know anything about that anyway. I wanna know if there's anything new in their relationship with this new dynamic."

"Tone it down, girl! An idol's life is supposed to be private, she's not supposed to share anything, including their relationship!"

"Sorry, it's just that before, she always knew something eventhough she doesn't tell us. We would at least get bits and pieces, I got too nosy, sorry."

Everything they said was a jab to you. The uneasiness grinned upon you again and swam around your stomach. Your throat ran dry.

You knew nothing at all.

She wasn't wrong, infact, she was completely right. Before, you always knew something, you knew everything, so what now? You didn't even notice the change because you were so busy understanding and thinking Sunghoon was tired.

Everything suddenly came crashing down to you. Your mind was in shambles, critiquing, analyzing, asking, looking for answers.

When was the last time you knew what happened in his day? A month or two ago? When was the last time you knew what he ate for lunch? When was the last time he confided in you? When was the last time you told him about your day? When was the last time you had a proper conversation? When was the last time he had asked you about you? When was the last time he looked at you, said he loves you and looked liked he meant it? When was the last time you've had a conversation that lasted more than 10 minutes? When was the last time you saw him smile? Oh, that last question can be crossed out, afterall, you're seeing him smile right now.

In TV, at his fans.

You don't notice the tear that drops on your cheek. Your lips unconsciously form a smile, it was shaking. Your mind was spiraling around, thrashing, the relationship you've built over these year threatening shaking. But you keep the smile. How could you not?

He looks so happy.

His smile does not only reach ear to ear, it reaches his eyes. His eyes are smiling, they're sparkling. He's glowing with happiness, he's radiating success and hardwork.

So how can you feel anything but pride for him?

And so the pit in your stomach reaches and grips your throat.

while you let go, this is casual

"Sunghoon, how was today? I saw the meet, there were so many people. Must be extra tiring." You start, setting down a cup of coffee opening your notes.

And only now do you also notice the loss of the precious petnames that used to always make your stomach churn with butterflies. It makes you pause before turning the page as if it's nothing. As if this is nothing.

How long can you pretend your relationship isn't turning to nothing too?

"Mhmm..." You hear rustling against his mic as he hums, it echoes. He must be in the bathroom.

"Are you in the bathroom? Getting ready for bed?"

He hums again.

No matter how much you tried to recall the details, you can't seem to. It wasn't like there was much to remember. It had been quiet. Too quiet. Almost like your relationship hadn't existed in the first place.

Because there had never been an official break up. There had never been a confrontation. You both just slowly drifted from each other until there was nothing but silence and a ghost of what had been.

You can barely remember how it transpired. The thoughts that ate you away as you tried navigating through your relationship with him. How you didn't even know how he looked like until the release of their new song and comeback.

How you realized you were nothing more than a fan in a label.

How you stared and waited for him while he was out there living his dream, his life. And you were there, trying to wait for what? And so you realized no one and nothing was gonna wait for you.

So you kept yourself together until the one-sided relationship crumbled none.

The saddest part? Both of you didn't seem to care anymore.

You smile bitterly at the thought. It wasn't as if you just forgot and moved on from it. You were bound to never fully move forward from it when it was never settled in the first place. But you learned to live with it, and continued to live as you please.

Seems cold, no? But this is life, it's not gonna wait for anyone to get over something before it makes time fly again. It will keep spinning and going no matter what, you don't have a choice but move along with it. The bitterness is there, the pain lingers, it will still hurt at times, it was never bound to go away with the way things went, but there is nothing you can do live with the decision you made.

In your defense, what could you have done? Should you have confronted him and cried? Begged to fix what was already set? Make a mess of what's already a stack? The relationship once built out of laughter and happiness turned into eerie silence where no one wanted to address anything. You weren't sure you could bear to break that silence and turn it into a more painful series of words, you couldn't bring yourself to dirty the happy memories you once had. And so you kept your silence and just disappeared.

That silence haunted you 'till now, but you cannot bring yourself to care anymore. Let it be there, as long as you can go your life, because you cannot wait again. You cannot stare at someone living their dreams while you make that someone your dream, a dream built on blind faith.

Was it selfish and stupid that you neither broke up nor say anything to him and just left? Maybe. You were young and just lost your first love, you were tormented by the happy memories and torn between breaking up and becoming strangers once again, or risking it and try staying as acquaintances. But at the same time, how could you even have the choice to stay friends when you were already a stranger inside the relationship?

How could you choose to be friends when you've already been something more and ended in nothingness?

how can we go back to being friends when we just shared a bed?

And so you just left because either way, you'll be strangers with memories.

When Sunghoon sees you again in person, not in TV or billboards, he doesn't expect it to be emotional or dramatic.

He almost laughs, why would that even be an option when both of you were closer to horror than melodrama with the ghost of a relationship you had. A stupid thought.

When he sees you walking the same red carpet he and his members walked on earlier, the first thought that crossed his mind was how you ended up in a similar industry as his when you majored a different program. But he guesses people change, he was one of those people, afterall.

When he sees you getting flashed by hundreds of cameras as he did earlier, a sense of bitterness piles up again just like it does at times.

He once loathed the way he let his first love go that way, but he's learned to live with it. He doesn't blame you, not in the slightest, for what you did, for disappearing. Whether you did it for pettiness or whatever, he thinks it was deserved. When you disappeared, he didn't bother calling or texting, because he at least knows and realizes he was an asshole. You left for a reason and he wasn't gonna mess it up for you, he already messed up your relationship.

It was also that time when Sunghoon realizes he was a true Drama King, even taking the 'regret it the end' and 'realizing when it's already too late' trope in real life. He wants to laugh, can this be called dark humor?

Sunghoon didn't weep and beg God for a second chance. He cried when the bitterness seeps at times and lets himself drown with Sunoo's sad playlist at 1 am. Those times were rare because obviously crying at 1 am in bad for you and he's an idol, it's one of his jobs to take care of himself. And so he takes the silence left in the ghost and keeps it inside him.

Call him cringe and dramatic, but what can he do but keep it all in? It's not like he can cry it out every single time.

Besides, he's used to it. Keeping everything until he bears the consequences. That's what happened to him, and the consequence just unfortunately happened to be his first love.

It wasn't like Sunghoon had a sad backstory or childhood shit, but he doesn't need to have one to be able to feel the loneliness and pressure sink in as he tries to become the idol everyone expects him to be. The weight of months of training, and then Iland, debuting and having huge amounts of expectations because they came from a popular label and show. He's had cameras since he was a kid, he's had to keep up a facade since he started figure skating, he shared all of that with you. But the burdens he had when he debuted was something he decided he couldn't keep sharing anymore, he can't let the only person keeping him sane be tainted with his burdens. And so he stays silent until he got so used to staying silent that he forgets to let anything else out.

He carries and accepts everything inside him but how can he not feel anything when you're just a few steps away? A man's first love never dies easily.

But you greet them and walk away like it's nothing. Like he was nothing. Really, what was he expecting anyway? Maybe seeing you again had him go crazy. He laughs bitterly internally because he can't burden his members with this too.

But it hurts, doesn't it?

how can you look at me and pretend i'm someone you've never met?

For some reason though, you don't wish for another chance. You both don't wish or think of a what if. You both don't look back anymore.

Because you both know it will never be the same again, even if you hadn't disappeared. Because nothing was there anymore.

It will ache, but it will never go back again.

[kattsmuse]

TF 141 Flirting Styles and Love Languages

What started as an ask from Ty ( @siriuslysmutty ) turned into a really long ramble, mostly because of Johnny. I decided to break it into a mini series. Here's how I think Johnny would flirt, and fail miserably at a suave first impression. This man thinks he's so cool and alluring, which he is... but when he tries to be, he trips over himself.

Note: I personally do not write accents/spell the way they sound because I find it difficult for myself to do as well as difficult for some individuals to read.

Please see this post for more information on my reasonings for this

Remember lead with kindness <3

Johnny McTavish Flirting Headcannon

I was probably the most torn on Johnny. I feel as though he exists somewhere between feral little shit and adhering to his religion. I don't think it's as much of a "one or the other" situation. While I love the idea of Johnny not wanting to be intimate until marriage (and proposing while he's grinding all up on you so he can have a taste), I don't think that's the most realistic for him. I think Johnny is very flirty, fails at it, and uses it as a broken mask.

He sees you in a bar and just cannot take his eyes off of you. He isn't so innocent in his gaze, but he waits. He does his utmost to read your body language and ensure you're not married. Glance down the finger, no ring - nor is there a tan line where a ring should be. Watching the men you interact with. Not one of them has an ounce of familiarity. At a bare minimum you are on a first date. While Johnny is observant, he's also incredibly impulsive.

He's tried to learn from John. Observe, gather information, plan, approach. Johnny can be patient, but that patience wears thin all too quickly. In comparison, John's patience is like a quilt compared to Johnny's tinfoil. Once Johnny can be sure you're not outwardly committed, he approaches. Every ripple of his muscles burn with anticipation as he grows closer to you.

He's got it all planned out in his mind. Some charming pick-up line and you'll be putty in his hands.... (giggles and little devil emoji)

He sits beside you, opens his mouth to speak. But instead of a charming one-liner or something to make you laugh... his nerves get the better of him and all that comes out is the fastest line of gibberish you'd ever heard. It can't even be fully blamed on his accent. He was harboring so much anxiety to speak to you, that every word tripped over the other. Even the most articulate speaker in your native language would have made zero sense with how quickly he spoke.

You blink for a second and look at him, your brows knit together. "Excuse me?" That was all you could say, unsure how to even begin deciphering whatever it was that just blurted from his mouth. The man beside you that had walked over with so much confidence actually had a dusting of rose on the tops of his cheeks. You couldn't help but soften a bit at his embarrassment. You'd probably be mortified if it happened to you.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts, whatever pick-up line that was in his mind suddenly gone when your gaze met his.

Johnny is a flirty man, normally mildly offensive and towing the line of cat-calling. But he got so flustered in front of you he found it difficult to put the pieces of his mask back in place.

"Didn't mean to stumble that hard-" Johnny huffed, grumbling under his breath. Only parts of his words emphasized by the pitch of his voice.

"Want to try again? I can pretend I didn't see it?" Normally, you'd have told him to piss off by now, but you found his little hiccup amusing and rather endearing. It humanized him in your eyes. A man trying to flirt with a girl he liked, not some sleaze ball trying to get into your pants directly. It was a fine line that you made room for.

"Nah- I'd just settle for a name." He'd recovered from the misstep rather well, a slight smirk curled in the corners of his lips. You noticed the way he had pronounced his words that he was Scottish. His vowels rising and falling, some consonants missing from the way he spoke, and there was a melodic quality to his voice. It was dynamic, not a hint of flattened tone to find.

The more the two of you speak, the more you grow comfortable and the more flirtatious he gets. At some point, you find him shamelessly staring at your chest, but you're not put off by it as much as you'd expect. It's usually coupled with some half-baked dirty joke that your own crude humor finds amusing. He knows it's corny, you can tell by the look in his eye.

Johnny is the type of man who intends to flirt with his words, but sometimes he speaks so fast you don't pick up on what exactly he's saying. But his intention is always clear. Johnny is a shameless flirt, especially once you two are together. Once you're more comfortable with one another his true flirting style comes to the surface.

Johnny isn't a poet. He's actually very bad with words. He doesn't have the most subtle gaze. He will fully get distracted by you while you're talking to him.

Johnny flirts with his body. He's always wanting to touch you. While a slap on the bottom or a quick grope in the comfort of your own home is always a tell-tale sign from him of his affection for you, it is also his gentleness need to always have physical contact with you.

At a restaurant, he's always wanting to hold your hand across the table, or resting his leg against yours under the table. He wants to hold your hand all the time, always wrapping his arms around you from behind, always kissing your shoulder. If he's touching you, he's happy. Johnny is a feral man, but he also thrives on his gentle intimacy. Brushing your hair, caressing your arms, non-sexual massages.

Even with more literal flirting, from that first time meeting him, he would hold your gaze, then look down to your lips. It's not subtle, but alluring all the same. He jokes and touches. He's a physical flirt.

[differentdragonpeanutknight]

Ranking the Ninjago seasons in my own stupid opinion, the Finale: SIMPLY PEAK

There's no reason to mince words this time, cuz those are my all time favorites that I wouldn't mind rewatching all over again.

4. The Merged Lands + Quest for the Dragon Cores

I think is an agreement in the fandom that Dragons Rising was the breath of fresh air Ninjago needed, right? Especially after Crystalized showed to us how milked the og cast was. Yeah, some of the old cast is still here. Yeah, Lloyd is still a main character. But the situations they are been put here are new for them, and that's awesome.

Also, the new character are really well put together, and I say that about both Arin and Sora, and the rest of the side characters. (Except Dorama. Fuck Dorama) I think Arin, Sora and Wyldfire later are well-written and each of them has a good way to viewers to relate to them.

And speaking of characters, there's Ras and Beatrix. I don't care what people say, I love Beatrix as a Season 1 villain. She was exactly what the show needed to begin with. A delusional, unhinged woman that doesn't know when to stop. And Ras left a impressive good impression with the little screen time he had.

Also the animation is gorgeous. It's even better on the most recent seasons, but it was a literal blast back them. Ninjago never looked so good.

3. Seabound

Remember when I just said I love unhinged villains, yeah Kalmaar is one of my favorite villains just from how much of a bastard he is. Of course, he's not the only reason this season is here. I just feel like... This season's storytelling is really something else, the writers really outdid themselves on pulling all our emotional strings.

Do I like how Cole, Kai and Zane were handled this season? Absolutely not. Buuut nothing's perfect. Also, with how much I love characters like Nya, Jay, Maya or Benthomaar? Everything's fine. To be honest the season finale was the third time Ninjago made me cry, and I don't care with what Crystalized undid to the emotional chords, that's still one of the best finales ever.

2. Hunted

This season is so good. Actually so amazing. Everyone is the best here. Even characters with low screentime like the Elemental Alliance make their time worth it. Lloyd is at his best by going trough the Hero's Journey. Nya doesn't do much, but she's a solid anchor for Lloyd. Mystake is simply an amazing person that deserves the best. Despite some mid season jokes, Dareth sticks his landing as a good character. Come on, the guy was one the few people left to fight against Garmadon's power.

Speaking of Garmadon, he's such an upgrade from his zombie-like self from the previous season. He's not scary, of course not, it's a kids show. But he intimidates. And he has presence. Harumi is also kinda there, but her ultimate fate was a beautiful send off to her character and the actions she took.

Now, for the First Realm side. First of all, I loved how this season has too storylines going on back to back. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but there was enough good things happening on screen to keep me going. Even the Iron Baron. He's a weak villain by himself, but godamnit he's such a failman that I can't help but respecting for being such a loser. Of course the shitty guy who wouldn't survive by himself would lie about the Oni to keep his power.

As for the rest of the ninja, despite not being the main characters in this, serve their roles well as supporting characters for young Wu. Kai wasn't annoying yet and had his moments. Cole was being the best parent friend of them all. Zane didn't have any "quirky robot joke" to throw at us. And Jay was being the jerkass he is. And I love them all for that.

And then there's Wu. Hot take but this is one his best seasons. I didn't thought making both Lloyd and Wu go trough the Hero's Journey in the same season could've worked, but to me they were nuanced enough to work. And I love young Wu design. Fight me.

Now, if you were keeping up the seasons, you knows who's the winner.

1. Tournament of Elements

Yeah so. Let's see. Unhinged and carismatic villain? Check. A serious, bitter henchman that loathes one of the heroes? Check. A elimination game? Check. A game of masks where no one can trust no one? Check, check, check. This season has everything I love in stories. It is enganging, everyone has a role to play in it, and everyone plays amazingly. And come, this was the first big moment of world building. We found out there was more than was told to was. There was more elemental masters around Ninjago, and even if they were not all really flashed out, they left a good impression and a small fandom to each of them. *Hugs a Ash plushie*

Ahem. So, as for the characters. The main group at least. Like I said, no one was left behind. All of them brought something to the story. Lloyd was the emotional anchor between the viewers and Garmadon. Garmadon himself peaked here and nothing beats his character journey into a martir. Despite this being supposed to be his season and he kinda losing this position in the last few episodes, Kai was the perfect balance of hot-head and thoughful schemer. If wasn't for his plan, maybe things wouldn't have ended well for the heroes, and let's not forget that part of his plan depended on his skills to convince Skylor to join his side.

As for the remaining characters, despite having minors roles, they had weight on the overarching narrative. Jay was there to be the suspicious one, to not trust in anyone and only changing this when he accepted everyone there deserved a chance. If it wasn't for Cole, the elemental masters won't even have tried to escape the noodle factory. Zane had his last good story there with all the story of discovering himself again and embrancing who he is, even if he's not the same Zane from before. And Nya, she was on a roll. Infiltrating the island, going undercover, stealing the spell page. If it wasn't for her actions, that's was another thing that would've ended badly to the heroes.

And that's for me, this is the best season. It's not perfect, not any of them are. But they're all good in their own way. Even *shivers* Crystalized.

That's it for today. Thanks for keeping up with my rambles! 😊

[quinloki]

Oh gosh I cannot resist! If you could do Beckman/Rayleigh/Shanks with Praise Kink + Discipline/Obedience + Mirror Sex I would be eternally grateful

(I randomised the holy trinity of kinks imo but when I saw discipline there I thought obedience would go hand in hand, so feel free to pick one of those instead of both!)

\o/ Oh man, talk about some solid like Daddy Dom vibes, Very Firm Dom vibes at the bare minimum.

Annnnnnnnd now I'm thinking about Beckman and Rayleigh Disciplining Shanks >.> such a handful of a captain, after all.

AHEM, but my thots aside, lets get to the kinky headcanons - Discipline and Obedience do kind of go hand in hand, but I'll focus on the discipline angle =3

Gods, mirror sex too, seas save us...

Benn Beckman:

Discipline - Yes - Beckman is certainly here to teach you discipline. He can't lie though, the only reason he really wants to instill any discipline, or protocols, is so that he can punish you when you lapse. Maybe you like being bad for him, and maybe those punishments are more funishments than anything else, but the point is that Discipline is just a means to other ends.

And as a matter of fact, one of those other ends is on the list, so lets get to it.

Mirror Sex - FUCK Yes - It's not a super fancy set up, just a full-length mirror set across from the two of you. Usually he's seated on the end of the bed, or in a chair, but there's at least one time when he picks you up, leaving you to hold onto the top of the mirror, right up close and into it.

Don't look away, watch, it's a perfect angle, you can see him sink in so deep. So easy. If you watch your stomach you can see the subtle bulge as he fills you, pay attention. Take in Every Single Detail sweet little thing, and don't worry about the mirror.

He expects you're going to make a mess on it.

Praise Kink - Oh god you don’t even know - Oh he loves to praise you. Praising you when you're learning (like discipline training or protocols), praising you when you're being good for him, praising you when you're so far gone to pleasure you don't even consciously know what he's saying.

Beckman will even praise you for taking a punishment well. Especially when it's an actual punishment and he's really put you through it. But you endured it so well, all for him, what more could he ask for? You're such a good little thing, hold on longer and he'll be sure to reward you for it too.

Silvers Rayleigh:

Discipline - Oh god you don’t even know - I think Rayleigh likes teaching people things. Whether it's haki, fighting, cooking, survival, or more... intimate things, he's delighted to pass on his knowledge. So teaching you how to be disciplined, how to serve, how to act and speak, how to follow protocols, and all the fine details of the poise and grace involved in it - he's here for it.

It rates so high because not only does he get to teach you, but it also opens avenues for punishments, praising, and rewards, and it's the whole package kind of deal. More than the sum of its parts kind of thing. No matter how well you learn he's going to enjoy every aspect of the process.

Mirror Sex - Oh god you don’t even know - It's okay if you close your eyes. It's perfectly fine if your body flushes from embarrassment. The mirrors are as much for him as you. He wants to see everything. To drink in every part of you he can, as much as he can.

You can close your eyes, but you're not going to be able to stop the commentary. How he praises your body, how he talks in detail about how well you're doing, how beautiful you are, the little twitches you do when he touches you here, and here, and the way your lip trembles.

It's okay, open your eyes, watch carefully while you make a mess for him.

Praise Kink - Oh god you don’t even know - It's not fair that he can praise you into orgasm without touching you. It's not fair that the velvet voice rolling over your skin is enough to set it on fire. It's not fair that his honeyed words have you whining for more, for a kiss for a caress, for something, anything, to justify why you're almost ready to go over the edge again.

Ah, but you've earned it sweet one. All the pleasure, look at how good you are for him? How much you enjoy his efforts that you're shivering with need just from a few words of praise from him. What greater honor is there?

Shanks:

Discipline - Yes - Much like with Beckman (and Shanks might even just leave it up to Beck to do the heavy lifting) Shanks really only sees discipline as a means to an end. It doesn't mean he dislikes it, or that he doesn't enjoy it, but what's more enjoyable are the fruits of that labor.

Though it is edging toward a FUCK yes for him, as he's starting to really enjoy the pleasure of teaching in general. Shanks has always been pretty hands off though, igniting sparks in others and stepping back when the fire catches. Less teacher, more inspiration =3

Mirror Sex - Oh god you don’t even know - He's cruel, so cruel. There's enough mirrors set up that there's no where you can look without the reflection taking you back to what he wants you to see.

He's on his back on the bed, with you on your back on top of him, helping you ride while he's pointing out the mirror on the ceiling. Even if he was on top of you, you'd still be able to see, but this way you can watch he thrust as he pushes

nice and deep.

Aren't you just divine when you're shivering against his cock like this? He certainly thinks so - keep your eyes on the reflection, sweet darling, see what you look like when you cum for him.

Praise Kink - Oh god you don’t even know - Let him praise you, let him worship you, let him make sure you know just how amazing you are in his eyes. Certainly, you can praise him too, he's been good, yeah? He's been so good to you, it's okay, you can pat his head, he won't be offended.

It makes him feel so good to get your praise. It feels so good to praise you. Won't you let him make you feel good? With his words, with his lips, with his hips <3 You're perfect and he just can't get enough of you, and when praises for him fall from your lips he can barely control himself.

How May I Kink Your Head Canon?

[raven-unkind]

HII RAVEN!! hope you're having a great day <3 could you perhaps do “the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” prompt with jungwon? thank you!!

˚₊‧⁺⋆❤︎ stars ft. yang jungwon

yang jungwon x fem!reader

wc. 844 words

content. A lil bittersweet, Jungwon is a sweetheart & kinda selfless; he just wants reader to be happy. 

200 followers event: “The moon is beautiful isn't it?” 

a/n. THIS TOOK SO LONG IM SO SORRY GUYS. I wrote this listening to pryvt so i'd recommend listening to them while you read Im somewhat back :] idk what happened to me but i was brushing my teeth this morning and inspiration struck me so i wrote this ☺️ (i guess having smt in my mouth gets my thoughts going?) I’ll get my queue going and get started on the nsfw part 😼

Jungwon has been friends with you for a long time. Maybe even too long. Long enough that he knows exactly what you’ll order – no matter if the place you guys were at the restaurant you’d been going to since middle school or if it was a brand new cafe that opened a week ago. – He also knows that you have a habit of being on time but somehow also running late to everything or that you can somehow smell the rain – something he has yet to experience. 

Somewhere along the way of years of friendship, he realized he wouldn't mind being the one to wake up next to you in the morning. He’d alway had these feelings, it was so natural to him that it took him almost 4 years to realize he was in love with you. It started in freshman year, when his friend Heeseung asked you for prom. Jungwon swore he’d never felt so betrayed in his life. He’d buried his disappointment under the guise of friendship, and every incident that stirred similar feelings within him would get the same badge. It took your first – and current – boyfriend to make him realize his feelings.

…

“We broke up.” The text had illuminated his phone half an hour ago. He didn't know exactly what he was expecting to feel when he saw that text but happiness, and sheer relief was not part of the list. Upon realizing his feelings for you, Jungwon had done the only logical thing to him: distance himself from you. No matter how sincere his feelings were, he would've never forgiven himself if he'd put your relationship and happiness in jeopardy because of his own, probably unrequited, feelings. So in some way, the breakup meant he was able to be close with you again. 

"I'll come over." He sent the message a few seconds after reading yours, grabbed his key and left his apartment in a hurry. On his way to your place, he stopped by the small Japanese restaurant owned by Riki's parents. He grabbed your usual order after finals; curry, mitarashi dango and a cup of scorching hot black tea. 

It’s already 9h26 by the time he reaches your apartment building. He engulfs you in his arms the second you open the door. It’s the first time in months he’s able to hold you like this without feeling like an egotistical jerk. And it feels nice, he can't even deny it anymore. 

“How are you holding up?” he asks softly. “I’m alright… I- I think it hasn't really hit me yet… you know.. That it’s over.” he nods, humming in response and sets a familiar plastic bag on the counter of your kitchen. You smile. “You got food at Riki’s?” Your tone is soft like you’re almost surprised he’d do that for you. Jungwon offers you a lopsided grin, setting a large cup next to the bag. “Black tea, extra hot, extra strong with 1 cube of sugar.” You huffed a laugh, “Thank you Jungwon.” “You’re welcome. I wanna go eat on the roof?” You nod, and he grabs the bag on food and a blanket before the both of you head to your building’s roof. 

…

“I thought he cared, you know? I told him multiple times but he never listened.” You say, playing around with the last dango, covering it in syrup. “I feel stupid.. Like I wasted my time.” “You’re not stupid.” Jungwon replies quietly. You shrug, opting to look at the night sky. Talking to Jungwon felt good. It always had. “Thanks for being here by the way.” You hear him huff next to you “Always.” He feels like his heart is going to explode. It’s been so long since you two sat down and talked like this. Too long. He’s been fidgeting for the past 30 minutes with the loose string of the old blanket you’re both sitting on. 

“... I missed this. I missed you y/n.” You finally turn to him, a soft smile on your lips. “I missed you too Wonnie.” He swears his heart stops for a second at the sight of you under the moonlight, saying his name so sweetly. He snaps his head towards the sky, unable to look at you for too long. “The moon is beautiful isn't it?” He can see you turn to look at him from the corner of his eye. “Yeah…”  

The silence stretches; comfortable, familiar. You lean your head on his shoulder, and his heart stutters. Jungwon stays quiet for a bit, for a moment he almost gives in. He wants to tell you. He wants you to know that he’s been in love with you for a while. That your ex is an idiot. That he’d never make you cry.  But he doesn’t. Because you trust him and he could never do this to you. If that’s all he ever gets, he’ll take it. Even if it meant he would never be the center of your world, he wouldn't mind it too much. As long as he’s with you.

©RAVEN-UNKIND

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