#THE HARRY POTTER MFER!?!?!?????

[andellaheartz]

Putting this here because its both a funny and horrid confession

[the-sinking-ship]

Never Mind the Bollocks by The_Sinking_Ship

Pairing: Draco/Harry

Rating: E

Wordcount: 118K

Collection: H/D Erised 2023, @hd-erised

Tags: found family, friends with benefits, slow burn, they were roommates, reluctant celebrity Harry Potter, not-so-reluctant celebrity Draco Malfoy, clubbing, drinking, smoking, drugs, parties, running from the cops, Harry rides a skateboard, jealousy, action, banter

Characters: Hermione Granger, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, Viktor Krum, Oliver Wood, Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Ginny Weasley, George Weasley, Seamus Finnegan, Astoria Greengrass, Dean Thomas, OCs (seriously, the gang's all here)

Summary:

If someone told Harry six months ago that by autumn he would be single, living on whisky and toast, and dancing the night away with Draco Malfoy, he would have told them to get their head checked.

And yet, here he was.

Notes: This fic was written for @shiftylinguini as a part of the Erised 2023 gift exchange! Big thanks to my betas @mintawasalreadytaken and @drarrymyheart for corralling this monster and the Erised mods for their patience and hard work.

READ ON AO3

[princessefemmelesbian]

My friend said that Harry Shitter would be a transandrophobia truther and I am literally SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP AT HOW ACCURATE THAT IS 😭 HE WOULD THO

[goldieclaws]

Talking shit about Harry Potter with my bf bc we were talking about magic systems and I still can't believe the amount of pure idiocy Joking Terf writes and people just ate up. Sure kids are stupid

(disclaimer: I used to put forks into toasters and was too dense to clean my curly straw when I used it with milk(!!) the night before I can make that joke as an idiot born and raised)

but trying to listen/watch the stories as an adult is, unironically, the best way for me to feel good about my writing and my own magic systems which I am VERY particular about.

[chocolatelovingfnficgirl]

Random HP thoughts

I’m re reading the books. Some thoughts.

Why would a female teacher get a request for a male teacher to help serve a students detention and think “yes, sounds reasonable”. I’m a teacher. If my student who had detention was specifically requested by a male teacher, I don’t care who, I think the fuck not.

The scene with the centaura when they say that “Mars is bright”. I got a flash back to little me going “The god of war?”

I’m a bit of a mythology geek—my family is Greek. I love those myths, but know the Rome equivalent. Were the centaurs saying this is the start of the war?

TBC

[severeaesthetic]

I see that you are accepting requests so I would love to request a 7 minute in heaven scenario with all the dorm leaders plus Lilia. You can make it fluffy/suggestive and if you wanted to do an 18+ continuation. You can if you want to. Thank you

7 minutes too little

For the sake of keeping it gn as possible I will refer to the reader as Yuu and you

Some you're dating them some you're not

⚠️some NSFW content, mentions of male genitalia, some strong language⚠️

Riddle Rosehearts

Riddle is already uncomfortable being at a party with the rest of the heartslabyul. Cater had the idea to play 7 minutes in heaven. Trey collected all the names and Riddle being the dorm leader pulled out two names. He got a little pissed off when he read it was You. he begrudgingly unfolded the other paper and let out a surprised yelp when he read his name.

I'm not gonna name names, but Cater charmed the fake papers to only say Riddle and Yuu.

I can feel the heat radiating off Riddle's nervous body as you two walked into the closet. Now this can go multiple ways. All of them involve him being in love with you.

So, if you return his feelings and haven't made them obvious, like me. I would be just as nervous as him and be awkward.

But if you are the opposite and constantly flirt with him, you might make the first move.

kabedon him. Or don't. I would. his face would be funny.

I don't think Riddle would last the full 7 minutes.

He would probably get a boner and a nosebleed just from kissing you.

He would be too embarrassed after time is up and cover his boner with his cape and quickly walk out of the room.

This is when you slip Cater and Trey their 20 Thaumarks each for helping you make a move on Riddle.

Leona Kingscholar

Smug mfer.

There was literally only five of you. Leona, Ruggie, Jack, and Rook.

Leona didn't even read the name on the paper before he threw you over his shoulder and took you out of the common room leaving grossed out jack and Ruggie and a smirking Rook.

I hope to God that Leona knows a silencing charm like in Harry Potter.

Let's go with Beastmen have heat/mating cycles. and lets say leona had just started his the day you were all hanging out. Beastmen get time off from classes for their heat cycles, so their partners do too. So for the next week you are Leona's prey and I wish you luck. All you wanted to do was play a game of 7 minutes in heaven, not 7 days of rough sex (that was followed up by soft aftercare cause Leona is soft for you)

Azul Ashengrotto

Okay so you weren't actually playing 7 minutes in heaven. You were actually on your way to see Azul to work on a project. Floyd just so happens to scream really loud that Azul likes you and says that you should kiss and barricades you two in his office.

Azul wants to hide in his octopot. He is bright red.

He desperately tries to avoid looking at you as he tries to focus on the project you two are supposed to do.

Me personally I would wait until he thinks I forgot about what Floyd did then I would attack. A single kiss on the cheek then back to work like nothing.

"Are ya kissin em' Azul!?" Floyd yelled loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear which made him even more embarrassed.

The best you would get from him if he didn't have a heart attack would be a kiss on the hand before you leave.

If you made a move you could kiss him and he wouldn't complain.

Kalim Al-Asim

Kalim has no filter. So you might be playing 7 in heaven but there wouldn't be time for a closet before you could see big hearts in his eyes and gasping before immediately kissing you even if everyone was complaining.

He is super excited and he sits next to you after kissing you and holds your hand the entire time.

no joke there is no need for 7 in heaven. All you have to do is ask this sweet boy for a kiss or hug and he'll give it to you.

Vil Schoenheit

Bold of you to assume he would stoop to the level of childish games such as that. No no. He would never, especially if it would ruin his makeup or disrupt his necessary sleep.

No. He will not play. He only uses smudge proof makeup and so he will give you a kiss. A single kiss. Not only does he respect you not to go overboard with PDA but he also has an image to keep up.

So don't ask him to play that stupid game, just ask for a kiss little sweet potato (his words, not mine)

Idia Shroud

Nononononononononononononononononononononononononono

He doesn't ever leave his room, he would rather be caught dead than in a situation where this game would be played.

However, you would make your Thems (Sims) characters play this game which would still make his heart melt. I mean, he would call you a cringey normie but still. He absolutely thinks it's cute. He would record it and watch it over and over and over again. He won't tell you that though. (Ortho would sow you the video and Idia watching it)

Malleus Draconia

What is this heaven and why do you have to go in a closet to get there?

Poor baby is so confused. If you want him to kiss you why do you have to go to a different realm to do it?

I think Lilia would put you two up to it, not necessarily playing the game as Malleus wouldn't understand the concept. Probably like Floyd he locked you guys in a room in Diasomnia. He would be polite about it and ask to kiss you. Straight up no shame.

He wouldn't make out with you like a horny teen. All kisses would be romantic. However, he would absolutely tangle his fingers in your hair or put his hand on the back of your neck not letting you get away from the kiss.

He would not have sex with you in a stuffy closet if it escalated to that. That is for peasants. He's gonna treat you right with his incredibly soft bed and incredible love making. Also literally the king of aftercare. Any pain you have is taken away when he gives you a potion.

Lilia Vanrouge

you would literally just be walking down the hall and Lilia would appear and drag you into a closet

Cheeky mf

Literally would make a huge show of setting his timer. Actually it's an hourglass cause he's old. 🙃

He would take his time rolling up his sleeves like he's about to cook that nasty wonderful cooking he always does.

He would draw everything out to tease you saying shit like 'Oh I'm not as young as I used to be I don't know how to kiss anyone' like he didn't make out with you before class Spiderman style???

Anyways, after he makes this grand show he finally gets ready to kiss you.

He puts his hands on your cheeks, looking into your eyes all sweetly. He teases a bit by looking down to your lips and back to your eyes. He asks if he can kiss you, such a gentleman. You close your eyes and prepare for a kiss. You feel his breath on your skin.

Just as you expect to feel his soft lips against yours

.........

YOU FEEL HIS TONGUE ON YOUR CHEEK!!!!!!!

Then you hear his little keehee tee laughter before he disappears and leaves you in the closet.

This man can't be serious in his old age. Ever.

[colorfullpaperbird]

Taste in books i think each of the sides on Sander Sides would have

Logan: Easiest side to tell since he says his book taste in canon lmao, mistery books guy, agatha christie, sherlock holmes, murders on rue morgue, he just really enjoys a good mistery (he’s just like me fr). He also probably reads books about scientific discoveries and psychological studies on a day to day basis (since he seems to have an answer for everything), either really likes or really hates sci fi depending on the scientifical explanations the books gives

Patton: Ok so, im gonna be honest, i don’t think Patton reads much? In fact hes probably the one who reads the least out of all sides, but he does seem to know his stuff, quoting studies in some episodes ( ‘Can lying be good?’ being the one who comes to mind ), so he probably reads a few articles about Morality and philosophy, also when i imagine Patton reading i imagine children’s books with deep messages like Dr Seuss, so personally i think Patton’s taste in books would be books like “The Tao of Pooh” which explains philosophy in a simple fun way taking inspiration from children’s media.

Roman: Roman’s my favorite side and although i would like to dump my personal taste on him i am aware that he canonically hasn’t read my favorite book and dislikes dark retellings of fairytales, leaving me to tears since those are my favorite kind of story. However i will indulge a bit and say that Roman would love Shakespearean plays ( His favorite would be Hamlet bc it inspired Lion King ) and typical fantasy books. Im also 100% sure that guy has a shelf full of Disney Movie Books like the novelization of Beauty and the beast and the villain’s origin books by Serena Valentino, also has those super pretty Disney Classics books ( lucky mfer ). And obviously he would have the original novels of multiple musicals ( Wicked, Be more chill, Dear Evan Hansen…) and some ballets/non-Disney classics as well (The nutcracker, The wizard of oz, Swan lake… ). Also Harry Potter i guess, since that’s canon 😒

Virgil: We all know what im going to say, Horror fan. Likes Edgar Allan Poe’s stories and classic horror books that inspired movies/series ( Carrie, Ring, the haunting of hill house… ), also reads a concerning amount of True crime about unsolved murder cases, and he has a special edition of the novel of The nightmare before Christmas somewhere trust me. And to self indulge a little, Dark retellings of fairytales, especially the Horror leaning ones.

Janus: I feel like Patton would read simplified philosophy books while Janus would grab shit like The gay science by Friedrich Nietzsche at the local library (never read this book, hilarious title tho), Overall i think Janus’s taste on books would consist of either philosophy and sociology books (especially the ones that annoying people read to keep gloating about how smart they are, except he actually likes them), and influential plays like Shakespeare, The Odyssey, The Iliad, Medea, Phantom of the Opera etc… His taste is the perfect combination of annoying Theater kid with pretentious philosophy kid (He is the guy they strive to be 😭)

Tw: Remus and everything that comes with him

-

Remus: YES, REMUS READS, YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY MIND ON THIS, The books he reads? Very simple, Dark romance and horror, the books are his inspirations for new creative ways to annoy the shit out of the other sides, he is slowly but surely making a list of new horrid murder and torture methods he learned via horror books, also dark romance for him is just romance since he thinks normal romance books are boring and lack taste, some other side definitely walked in on him reading once ( picture him reading on the sofa twirling his hair and bouncing his legs in a very stereotypical teen girl way ) and asked what he was reading only for him to answer something like “ ‘Taken Hostage by the Hot Mafia Boss’ :D” Also definitely read the Kam4 Sutr4.

-

Bonus: Remy/Sleep has a book detailing the multiple different ways on how to brew coffee and Picani has every Kids Show Book he could find ( Gravity Falls 3rd Diary, Star vs the Forces of Evil Book of spells etc… )

ALSO WARNING: If you want to buy any of the books i talked about here be aware there is currently a boycott of Disney and any other properties that have ties to the genocide committed by Israel!! And mainly, i would recommend to grab any book i mentioned in the library since they’re one of the only public community spaces that haven’t shut down yet, support your public library to make sure it stays that way!

[yourlocalbadgerscales]

I love Harry as the bi who lived. Like really, I do. I live for the idea, in fact.

But lesbe ffr rn. You’re telling me that Harry “It was wet” (about his first kiss with a girl)-and-“Yk, she’s got nice skin”-and-“Lol why are people freaking out about Veelas tho like I’m immune to those mfers” Potter… isn’t gay?

Gay from those gay little toes all the way to the top of that gay little head

??

[gatogummie]

Went and looked at the persons blog bc I was curious to see what type of person would leave such a telling take in the tags of my post and this mfer likes Harry Potter

[nappingpaperclip]

I know I’m doing the right thing when my posts and presence exclusively piss of Harry Potter bloggers and Karen haircut having ass mfers lmao

[ellecdc]

tears in my eyes after chap 8? nooooo why would u think that? why would anyone think that?

i mean THIS was what the harry potter series was missing A HAPPY ENDING MFERS.

i need this fic to be transformed into a full fledged live series please. NOW.

this was -girl there isn’t even word to describe how good this was 🤬 i mean the fact that u don’t have millions of notes is unfathomable to me.

loved this series, love ur writing and i’m so excited to see what u have in store in the future😫💗

to say i’m ur biggest fan rn is an understatement🤧

The Marauder's totally deserved better 😭😭😭

The fact that I have ANY notes boggles my mind, honestly. I posted the first part when I had 0 followers (I'm not even joking), now I have over a hundred new friends who love these guys just as much as I do!?!?!? Friggen awesome.

Thank you so much for your kind words and cheering me on throughout this whole journey, the feeling is 100000000000% mutual bestie 😭🫶💖

[l3o-lion]

Hey google, how do i not be a rude ass mfer when one of my new classmates is reading harry potter? Smile : )

[cheemken]

Idk if you know much about Harry Potter (I don’t either) but you should at least know about the four houses right?

Like Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff

So regarding either the Champions, the Trainers of each region, or just both of these groups together, which houses do you think they’d be sorted into?

Lance is obviously a Gryffindor, and Cynthia is most likely a Ravenclaw, while Diantha seems like a Slytherin

That's legit the only thing I know abt harry potter ngl hahahah

But Slytherin, that's the snake one yeah, I heard a lot of bad peeps are there or smth idk like morally questionable mfers, but you saying Dia's one of em just scratches the right parts of my brain pls morally questionable Diantha is top tier that is my truth

But ah,, Gryffindor? Yeah, Lance, Leon, and Iris.

Ravenclaw,, idk,, Cynthia yeah but I she'd also fit the first one hahah maybe Wallace and Geeta too.

Slytherin is just Dia bc she's special like that uvu

And the last one Hufflepuff, Steven and Hau

Idk if it really fits their vibes tho I just really like morally questionable Diantha so she stays there ouo

But like!! There's this dope show called The Owl House and they have smth similar to this too, like, covens and such and it's dope and I have some stuff abt the champions w that too hahaha I know more abt that than hp so like yeah owo"

[autogynocrat]

fair enough. it is more cringe to think Harry Potter is high literature than to criticize it

i will never forgive harry potter for what it did to liberals during the trump presidency they all turned into the goofiest mfers ever

[obeetlebeetle]

every day at my job some mfer says the words harry potter to me and i am hitting the breaking point. today a kid showed up in a whole damn hufflepuff cloak. saw someone else carrying a wand. quit it yall

[uhzuku]

What’s your favorite color?

If you could go to any fictional world which world do you think you’d survive in and why

What’s your favorite aesthetic?

i genuinely love the color black, my favorite aesthetic is most things dark?? if that makes sense?? mm n maybe winter, and as for a fictional world… probably harry potter to be honest bc i know for a fact that those wizard mfers were too dependent on their damn wands and a glock coulda smooth made the whole voldemort debacle end quicker, so considering i know how to handle firearms imma go with hp