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landscaping-your-mind · 2 years ago

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March, 2023

I MEANT TO DRAW SOMETHING HHHH

Istg, if the only art I make for this whole relisten is for fatigue I'm gonna cry.

Anyway, 152 time!! I love 152, I love Jon and Helen, I love the parallels, I'm excited, ohhh this is so cool we're heading to like fantastic episode WAY TOO MANY NOTES ones really quickly (too quickly, i want to draw something for 160) and yeah! Yeah! Oh god it's almost season 5.

Below is a mixture of amazing words - mostly Jonny's /j (i have some as well) - and rambling. I love this statement so. much. now.

@a-mag-a-day!!!

I'm putting a content warning for I think it's unreality, cause I talk a bit about... not being able to trust yourself, and that could be... not grand for some people.

Statement of Hezekiah Wakely, regarding his career as a gravedigger. Compiled from a series of letters to Nathaniel Beale between 1837 and 1839. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, the Archivist.

Who's Nathaniel Beale? I feel like I've seen his name before. Unless, of course, it's another Michael situation. There's... Nathaniel Thorp and Nathaniel Lukas. Hmm.

I’ve been installed here some weeks now, and I’m finding myself well-contented, my sexton duties keeping my time employed such as I scarce have a chance to allow myself those dark thoughts that so concerned you when last we visited.

What thoughts, I wonder. It probably mentions it further along, but I haven't really paid attention to this statement enough to be sure. For a while I thought it was "A Gravedigger's Entry".

The Lord gave him that voice for a purpose, no doubt – but sometimes that purpose does feel like it might be providing me a few minutes of unearned slumber

Hehe

My troubled sleep, on the other hand, has not, of yet, resolved itself in any way to my satisfaction. I work myself to exhaustion, cleaning, polishing and looking after the church proper, and I tell you, when I lie abed I can scarce rise again for the weakness I leave myself in. And yet, sleep still eludes me.

Heh, real. I too cannot sleep.

I’ve never quite known a rest like it. Perhaps it is the harder, more physical aspect of the task, or perhaps the quiet rhythm of it. There’s no echo as there is in the church, just the sound of pick and shovel hitting dirt. And when it’s deep enough, when you stand at the bottom, the noise of the world just… fades away to nothing. It is the sort of quiet that makes you feel as though the commotion and hubbub of life were but a terrible dream, and in sleeping you were waking up to peace.

BLANKETS ARE NOT ENOUGH I NEED TO BE BURIED ALIVE

That just sounds so?? Nice??? HHhnhnmhn

There is such peace in the churchyard, you see: to walk atop the soil knowing that, deep below my feet, those blessed souls wait happy and silent in the cool, damp earth, counting the days until the Resurrection. It gives me such warmth to think of that I have taken to spending much of my unoccupied time wandering the graves, and, where the mood allows me, taking my sleep there.

That is creepy, but like... I mean... I can understand it? It's nice to be outside in nights that aren't too cold, it's nice to sleep under the stars, the creepy part is the fact that it's a graveyard, but that can be brushed aside.

But I do long for that rest. I tell myself I wake each day renewed, but I am never as truly satisfied as when I’m in my slumber, and insensible to the world.

This statement is making me want to go to sleep and/or be buried in the dirt.

I do find, however, that when I dig my graves, I have been going deeper. And at times, I worry I might dig so far as I can no longer get out with my meager ladder. Now, those moments – you must not cast judgment on me for this, Nathaniel, for it is simply a passing fancy – but I will often lie myself down on that soft earth, and I will sleep. And I swear to you that the sleep I find there is more blissful than any I have ever found.

A Gravedigger's Envy? He's getting the nice grave sleep, I want the nice grave sleep, how is Jonny making grave sleep sound so appealing?

At least until a few feet down. But by the end of it… oh, I tell you there was warmth in that grave. Whether by my own body or the heat of the soil, I couldn’t say, but it was as comfortable as the fireplace of a public house, and the wind could not reach me in the hole that I had made.

I want that, I really want the grave sleep, that sounds so nice.

I had a dream, then. I dreamt a rain had come. A terrible bitter rain that chilled my bones and turned the soil around me dark and sodden. The walls grew damp and slippery, their firm shape lost as they began to slip and crumble. And then all at once they collapsed, the grave filling in a moment with a wave of mud and wet dirt. In a single terrible moment of utter terror, it was atop and around me, covering my face and filling my lungs with its awful choking sod. And the strangest thing was that it was wonderful. I had never felt such safety as within the crushing weight of earth all around me, the pressing embrace of the buried. In that instant I knew what it was to be dead, and I ached with envy for them.

Ok, hi, I saw a post, and I was thinking about the post, and I'm going to make a vague rebuttal (friendly-like, because they had good points). Hezekiah was afraid before the walls crashed around him. He was not afraid of some other terror, he was afraid of being buried - in the dead way or the forever deep below creation way... I don't know. Seems to be both, fear soup, remember.

The dreamers that have no idea what Smirke's fourteen is, or the supernatural, still affect the dream. Hezekiah associates being buried with being dead, and therefore the fears affect him as if being buried and being dead were similar things. I'm guessing quite a lot of people fear destruction and associate that with their fear of fire. Spiders and control for the aesthetic and also little bug guys fear being trapped when they're in a spider's web. People fear judgement when they're being looked at. (Speaking of, I swear at the shops today everyone was looking at me, like I saw them look at me, I felt their eyes on me, I associated this with the fear of judgement, and was appropriately spooked. What is this, episode 188 of The Magnus Archives?)

Anyway, back to this, Hezekiah's fear transformed into what Hezekiah became. Similarly, Martin - he was afraid of being alone, abandoned, and afraid of being found out. He became an "avatar" of The Lonely and The Eye. Also, would Martin's fear of being alone and being judged overlap, or feel similar? Is this why he gets both?

Mike was afraid of the part of The Twisting Deceit (The Spiral) that chased him, but he also had encounters with The Vast before Ex Altiora, he was afraid of the unfathomable power of that which chased him, he said that the form it took belonged to The Vast, the way he describes the pain of being struck by lightning - how it is so painful that to try to measure it is impossible. That's all pretty Vast-y to me.

Jane... Jane was afraid of the Hive. She didn't want it, she was afraid, she went to it... sure, she was lonely, but looking at her statement, how much of it is the Hive - if we're separating the two - and how much is Lonely? She talks of picking at her skin, of worms that emerged from the ground after rain, of an itch that called her to the attic, to the wasp's nest.

Sure, something chased them to becoming an Avatar, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it's "another fear" both because fear soup and because... a lot of their stories are about being repulsed and terrified by something, but getting so caught up in it that you forget that person who was scared, and you hurt others just how you've been hurt. Cycle of violence, babyyyy!

For an example, let's grab Peter and Martin. Peter's from the family of... basically a cult? Sure, he doesn't seem too bothered by it, but humans are social animals, and he was neglected for his whole childhood, that fucks people up @ the person who said yea Peter's childhood was actually fine. Then he becomes an avatar of the Forsaken and manipulates Martin into becoming an avatar of The Lonely in turn, who then - in the Eyepocolypse - hurts people in his domain. It's not one to one, but no analogies are.

I’ve been thinking, Nathaniel, of funerals and bodies. Souls that escape leaving this common clay to become one again with a truer clay. Were we not created from mud? And it seems more fitting to me that we should return forever to that mud, not pulled from it by some would-be Redeemer, or lifted to sing hosannas in his holy court. I’ve worked so long, so hard. Do I not deserve a rest in the mud from which I came? Commit my body to the earth and let it stay there. I’d do the same for you. For worship of the Most High - though it may be earned, perhaps, by He that made the heavens and the earth - well, to my mind, all that prayer still sounds a lot like work.

The difference between this and the beginning. Speedrunning his decent, as it were. The difference between envying the dead, and their rest before they go to Heaven, to wishing that when he leaves the world he stays in the ground. Hmmmm!!

But He is the son of God and we are merely sons of the dirt. We are not as strong as He is, and we deserve rest. We deserve to sleep.

The Buried oft represents being metaphorically under pressure, as Hezekiah is. He wishes to be Buried to finally rest from his work. That's interesting to me.

Also, feels sort of Flesh-y, but in a way where it's like... yes, soup, is not the fear of being one and the same as animals, as already being dead, as being from the earth and knowing one day you shall return all part of the same thing? Is that not a similar fear? Feels like one to me. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, that's about death, that's about the earth, are they not one and the same? We all come from the same earthen roots, people, animals, plants, everything, we are the same, and we will die the same.

I’ve been trying to sleep, but that bell kept ringing, the one over Jacob the baker’s grave. That nonsense safety valve the Reverend insisted on putting there, ringing and ringing, and disturbing the sleep of everyone in the churchyard. I’ve no doubt it disturbed Jacob as well, who worked so hard all his life and never thought to complain of his lot. He deserved to rest. So I cut the cord. And now he is quiet.

Oh, lord, he buried Jacob alive.

But I can see why he did it. He fears being away from the earth, he fears not being able to die, and so he sees it as saving Jacob and I understand that, I can understand that in his position, robbed of restful sleep, the grave being the only place where he can find his rest that he would do this.

I think this statement has just achieved the rank of "one of my favourites," because... that line. "He deserved to rest. So I cut the cord. And now he is quiet."

But worry not, Nathaniel. The love I bear you will not let me leave you ignorant. As I did with the Reverend, I will come and I will show you, once and forever, the true and glorious peace of the Buried.

Wow. Just... wow.

Nathaniel Beale is buried on the grounds of St. Peter’s Church in his hometown of Dunstable. And I am only the third person to know that in almost 200 years, after Nathaniel Beale himself, and Mr. Wakeley, the person who buried him.

Hey, we're still getting post-statement spookiness, but because everyone's just stopped doing work it's with Jon's eye spookiness.

I... wow.

I cannot tell how much of the change that comes over someone when they are taken by one of the Fears is a direct product of their influence, and how much is their own mind, desperately contorting itself to accept and justify the awful things they find themselves drawn to doing.

I have a really good quote that ties in with this, but it's only in the deluxe transcript of Hive (patreon exclusive transcripts that have Jon's notes and are canon, the Hive one is the most emotionally ruining of the ones out (1 - 33 as of 22/03/2023) so far), but I will say that his attitude towards them has changed significantly as he's... become one.

He called Jane Prentiss "the entity formerly known as Jane Prentiss" and now... hm...

It's interesting how his understanding or conception of avatars and the like changing over the seasons, and although season 4 doesn't have a lot of other avatar interactions... Jon's whole humanity thing, it's enough to make it my favourite season when it comes to this stuff.

I have read many statements now by those who are changing, who are becoming – something else, and few if any of them seem… entirely rational. Entirely the people that they were before.

GIDDY LEG WIGGLE LIKE HHJNNHNHEHN!!! Humanity and identity and monsterhood and trauma!!! The THEMES of this podded cast, I'm love, I'm love!

But how can I tell, I suppose. My job is to view people at their lowest, their most fearful and unstable moments. Perhaps there is less change there than I imagine. Certainly, I don’t feel different. I have no desire for pseudo-religious philosophizing, or delighting in the suffering of those I harm. Then again, I suppose I’m hardly in the best position to judge. Perhaps to anyone listening to these tapes I sound remarkably similar to Hezekiah. Or to Manuela. Or to Jane.

So, I talked about this to my (middlest) sister because sometimes when you're this excited about things you just have to talk to people, like actually talk, and I had some pretty good thoughts about rationality, about if you can know if you're a monster. If you're slipping and you can't trust your mind anymore, how can you trust your mind enough to know that you can't trust your mind? It's just, how can you know you're so far gone, if you can't trust you, then you can't trust trusting you, therefore you can never truly trust yourself, can you? Everything is your perception, and you will never know if you can trust that. You will only know that you can't.

I just think that it's very neat, the whole... everything, all of this, it's just really cool, like how would Hezekiah know he's wrong to be responsible for the death of Jacob, for the Reverend, for Nathaniel? Does he? How does Jon know if he's just like Hezekiah, how can you truly know yourself - or understand yourself? Oh boy, this is such a cool statement and post statement.

HELEN Hello, John. Been a while since you’ve been down here. ARCHIVIST (Impatient noise) I didn’t come here to see you. HELEN Oh, come now! I’m sure I’m more interesting company than the late Jane Prentiss. ARCHIVIST It’s all that’s left of her now – apart from a jar of ashes in my desk. Just a circle of rotten stone on an otherwise-unremarkable wall.

Is the circle of stone a mirror? Is the jar of ashes as much a part of you as your rib? What was she trying to achieve, you wondered so long ago and now you have the answer and you still don't know why... why she listened to the song in her dreams, why she scratched the itch, but then again, why did you?

HELEN (Cont.) Ah… But that’s not why you’re here, is it? ARCHIVIST Yeah. I’ve been thinking a lot about Jane. She was the first, you know. The first I actually encountered like… like us. She seemed so… inhuman. Like everything she used to be was stripped away. HELEN And now…? ARCHIVIST I wonder how much of her was still in there. How much did she choose to be what she was? I read her statement, she was… (inhale, exhale) she was scared. I assumed she’d been possessed completely against her will, but now I’m not even sure that’s possible. HELEN It is astounding the sort of thing you’re willing to choose – given an unpleasant enough alternative – isn’t it? ARCHIVIST How much of willpower is just – safety? “Comfort” by another name. The option to choose and be fine.

THEMES OF CHOICE AND HOW MUCH YOU'RE AFFORDED!!! God, I love this so much! I love how Jane Prentiss, our and Jon's conception of Jane Prentiss changes from season 1 to season 4. How it starts with her as an inhuman enemy, no longer the person she was, and changes to be... what was she, why did she chose this, who was she, she's humanised as Jon becomes a monster, knows her. Understands her.

She was scared.

Good lord.

And then Jon's line, "How much of willpower is just - safety. Comfort by another name. The option to choose and be fine." and that choice isn't really afforded to them, it's always these hard choices with one option that's like "at least you don't die", or live in fear, or whatever. The option to choose and be fine.

Themes. So many themes, I love this bloody podcast.

HELEN Hungry, are we? ARCHIVIST (Angrily) That’s not – – I haven’t done anything – HELEN – yet. ARCHIVIST (Roughly) I feel like if I don’t… I might die. Fade away into nothing. HELEN … Do you… Know that? ARCHIVIST No. But I… (frustrated noise) I can’t die. They need me. HELEN Come on, Jon, no excuses. (The Archivist sighs.) HELEN (Cont.) They don’t need your protection.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, JUST PODDED CAST!!

ARCHIVIST When does it stop? HELEN (Impatient) What? ARCHIVIST The guilt. The misery. All the others I’ve met, they’ve been – cold, cruel. They’ve enjoyed what they do. When does the Eye (inhale) make me monstrous? (Helen laughs.) HELEN What – why would it ever do that? ARCHIVIST I don’t… HELEN When has your guilt, or your sadness, or your handwringing ever actually stopped you from doing what it wants? ARCHIVIST (Stammering) I-I – I have not been taking statements – HELEN You’ve sworn of other people’s trauma for now because you’re caught. Because continuing would endanger you. But other than that, when has your discomfort ever actually stopped you walking the path of the Beholding? ARCHIVIST I… I don’t know… HELEN Even if it were capable of doing so, what possible reason would the Eye have to change how you feel, when it makes no difference to your actions? Helen was like you, at first. She felt such guilt over taking people. Until one day she realized she wasn’t going to stop doing it. So she chose to stop feeling guilty.

OK FIRST OF ALL SOMETHING I CAN DEAL WITH, SIMILARITIES AND DIFFERENCES BETWEEN JON AND HELEN! Helen went to Jon for help with the guilt, and Jon turned her away because he was scared of what he was becoming. Jon asks Helen when the Eye makes him monstrous and she says no, it's not the Eye that'll do that, it's you. You have to decide to stop feelings guilty about the monstrous things you're doing.

Secondly, *gestures* yeah fr fr! I don't even... I just need to listen to this over and over and have it burned into my mind please :3.

Yeah, well, wow! Yeah! For real for real, this is just like 111, I'm discovering a new love for this statement, I need to make a new "holy shit tma" playlist because. Wow. Wow! Mhm hm! WOw!!! Uhh, well, uhm.

Your most humble servant,

landscaping-your-mind

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