#Sorry guys I'm going insane
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OUGH FUCK cdream and foolish helped build their own cages dream designed the prison he knew every mechanic he drew those blue prints and foolish built and designed so much and worked so hard for a man that had him murdered. Sam and Quackity are so intrinsically involved in the worst time of both dream and Foolish's lives. something something quackity trains the dogs and sam builds the kennels
#root talks#c!dream#c!foolish#c!droolish#I'm actually never going to shut up about droolish dog allegories#Fuck it new hellship cawesamdreamooshity#the goal is to speedrun someone's instanentious mental decline#polycule from hell#Put dream foolish Sam and quackity in a box and see which one tries to kill themselves first#That ship would just be 'regretting immortality speedrun any% no glitches'#Sam and q would just be beating dream within an inch of his life while love bombing foolish#I think this is an ideal scenario#Sorry guys I'm going insane#dreblr
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everyone I've seen drawing Matthew Lillard's william afton is doing it wrong. i can't explain why. they just aren't capturing it. what's 'it' ? i don't know. the vibe? the aura? it's off. idk.
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So I've been thinking lately about how Mithrun is Kabru's dark mirror (more on that another time- it needs its own post), and I thought it interesting that one of their parallels is that they were both cared for by Milsiril, but in opposite directions. She took Kabru in as her foster after he was orphaned and tried to convince him not to become an adventurer. On the flip side, she helped rehabilitate Mithrun specifically so that he could rejoin the Canaries.
And I kept wondering: why?
For Kabru, obviously she loves him a whole lot- despite any other shortcomings in their relationship, I do believe that.
So I get why she tries to convince him not to go dungeoning, and, failing that, at least prepares him as thoroughly as she can.
But why help Mithrun? She used to hate Mithrun, but after realizing what a secretly twisted person he was, she actually thought of him more positively (oh, Milsiril). So it wasn't as if she held the kind of grudge that might motivate her to make his already-depleted life even more miserable by sending him back to the dungeons. And it wasn't that she felt bad for him either, since she didn't visit Mithrun for the first ~20 years of his recovery.
The Adventurer's Bible says that Utaya was the impetus for Mithrun returning to the Canaries, but Milsiril is the one who made the trip to see him and tell him about it.
Why would Milsiril work so hard to get her old coworker back into fighting fit? Why encourage him to return to such a dangerous lifestyle, when she was the one who chose not to mercy-kill him?
That last panel is such a crazy thing to hint at and then never elaborate on. Without it we could have just thought that Milsiril wanted the Canaries' work to continue without her, even if it seemed out of character. I think some people even assume she's just a natural caretaker as a foster mom and handwave it to include nursing Mithrun too. What could Milsiril's suspicious motives be? What does she gain from Mithrun joining the Canaries that isn't an altruistic desire to see dungeons safely sealed? Feeling a sense of responsibility for the work she left behind isn't an ulterior motive.
My theory is: Milsiril, knowing that Mithrun was empty save for the burning desire to face the demon again, wound him up like a clockwork doll and pointed him back at the dungeons.
Hoping that he'd eliminate the biggest threat to Kabru's life, before it was too late for him.
Milsiril the puppetmaster.
#Mithrun#Milsiril#Kabru#btw I'm working with the only translations I could find sorry#so keep that in mind#like it just seemed WEIRD to me#that gloomy introverted Milsiril#who left the life of a Canary behind#decided to do this Canary-adjacent work of helping this guy#maybe the queen made her do it because so many people died and they needed more Canaries idk!#but why would anyone pick Milsiril as a life coach? I really think it was her own choice#it's so interesting how we get these hints of a downright sinster Milsiril#I really like the complicated relationship she and Kabru have#struggling to fully humanize him from her elven perspective#but still taking him seriously wrt: his fears over being a monster or his desire to go to a party!#crazy stuff there#everything about Kabru and adjacent to Kabru is insane what a character
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OlderDad!Bakugou who gets a haircut and his baby doesn't recognize him and he doesn't want his dad to pick him up 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Bakugou has a cry in the bathroom and you have to spend the rest of the night consoling him.
Also Hiiiiiii, miss u, hope youre gooooood
head in my hands bc of this, just thought abt bakugo growing out his hair a little bit right after baby's birth...takes him months to go and get a real haircut cuz he doesn't wanna burden you more than he already has and by the time he's okay with the thought (but only for "AN HOUR MAX," is what he says), he has a mullet thing going on and all this scruff on his chin🥺🥺🥺
so he gets home with his regular ol' haircut, maybe a little shorter just to account for ... not wanting to go again so soon, and baby's HOLLERING bloody murder as soon as they see him and refusing to be taken out of your arms, doing that thing where they're flipping their face back and forth to dodge a kiss...
it's so tragic bc not even a little cheek nuzzling helps to calm them bc bakugo's CLEAN SHAVEN and smells like aftershave instead of like dad when he tries!!!!!!
and after, you watch him kinda sulk into the bathroom, thinking like aw yeah thats a bummer but also pretty funny, too (esp bc the haircut does look good🫣🤓), AND HE DOESN'T COME OUT FOR LIKE an hour???
....until you finally have to ask him if he's okay in there and you're opening the door to him sitting on the toilet seat, arms crossed and red cheeks a little streaky with tears...
LJFKASDJFADSJK it's the cutest, most sad sight you ever did see!! ofc Bakugo tries to deny it, but the way he tears up again (after you're done assuring him he did nothing wrong) when his baby finally realizes it's him and smiles (and then how he refuses to give them up again until bedtime) has his ass. EXPOSED.
(i love and miss u more than air, earth, water, dirt + HOPE YOU'RE GOOD TOO BESTIE ILY)
#bakugo#HI PYGMY THIS WAS INSANE OF U TO SAY THANK U PYGMY MY BFFL#but sorry u said this and i had to rip the idea right out of your hands and put it straight into my mouth#i feel like i'm high on a drug i really do#bakugo doing that thing where he he refuses to leave baby or u for long periods and fights being told to go do something nice for himself#he's showing up to his first guys night in like 6 months and doesn't know what do with himself#needs a baby picture once and hour#and he gets home to baby asleep in the crib and YES he's upset he missed bedtime but also like. wow. alone time with y/n.#and he just wants to hold u🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and watch a movie and be together#and he;s finally at a point in his life when he's able to admit vulnerability and talks abt feeling like an inadequate dad.#and finally u just have to shut him up by fuc-[redacted for profanity]#oh my god gonna think abt this all night#ALL NIGHT I LOVE U PYGMY#caitie things#kids tw#gen#pygmy lurks
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chen yiwen, maddi keeney, and chang yani embrace after finishing 1-2-3 respectively in the 3m springboard final (aug 9, 2024)
#chen yiwen#maddi keeney#chang yani#温文尔雅#paris 2024#*#不哭🥲#ok my last olympic content I PROMMYYYYY sorry for random diving gifsets T__T i care them so much...#but i'm done now. back to ojp insanity#also the female analyst being so on point with her commentary vs the color guy going These 3 are best friends! Wow! ^__^ every 5s. lol
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Lovingly gazing into your coworkers eyes while he's talking about the sexual and emotional tension of your characters is crazy 🙃
JA: Yeah, and then also playing that off against that tension and the aftermath of some of those fights. It suddenly rebuilds this sexual and emotional tension. Like you said, you get to explore the breadth of a relationship. But yeah, they’re each other’s endgame, aren’t they? In the books, they always come home to each other. I think it’s telling that that seems to be the denouement or the end of a lot of the novels: Louis and Lestat being petty and in love.
cut via wolfganglestat
transcriptions by greedandenby
Full video (unfortunately i can't find the original source so i am linking 2 videos posted by fans on yt):
youtube
youtube
Interview With The Vampire | Nicole Drum from Comicbook.com talks with Jacob Anderson and Sam Reid
#jam reiderson#jacob anderson#sam reid#interview with the vampire#iwtv#quoting comments from the link#the fact that they just threw them in a hotel room for this#WHY ARE THEY LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT??? 🥵🥵#i feel like im intruding on something intimate here#I'm sorry I couldn't concentrate watching Sam gaze and nodding to Jacob. I'm sure he didn't listen either. look at his face#cant stop heart eyeing each other for even a second#why is sam BATTING HIS EYELASHES at jacob. sickening#there’s really nothing that can come close to the high of experiencing that first press run as it was happening#just a dozen of us pointing at them and going hey aren’t these guys acting a little gay#I was watching those interviews like…. well surely looking at your friends mouth every five seconds isn’t very friendly….#They were behaving in insane ways#i love the early interviews cause they totally forget they're being interviewed and just started talking to each other.#they not even interested in the interview they just wanna stare into each others eyes#the interviewer is third wheeling at this point#i love how sam never breaks eye contact while jacob is looking at him.#it’s only after jacob turns away that he does as well but he continues to look back at him and through the screen.#his continuous nodding and saying “ya” and “mmh” to let jacob know he’s listening is so cute#also jacob just stares at sam when hes yapping into the camera#but the moment sam turns to looks at him he gives a little nod and smile to leet him know he’s listening/agrees.#Youtube
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Request: Nickel centric polyam grand slams please I need him being loved rn
absolutely i'd do anything for that guy
#best request i've ever gotten#i'm working on a second drawing too but i wanted to go ahead and post this one#let that guy be so loved!!#inanimate insanity#ii nickel#nickel ii#ii balloon#ii suitcase#ii baseball#polyam grand slams#ii polyam grand slams#nickloon#nickcase#bickel#basecase#suitloon#ii nickloon#ii nickcase#ii bickel#ii suitloon#ii basecase#you cant see his trinket from bb here but i'm thinking i wanna do a keychain on his belt loop maybe#gonna be drawing more of him in general probably#sorry it took a bit im not used to drawing this many people sjdjsl im pretty happy with it though#EDIT: I ALMOST FORGOT BALLOON'S FRECKLES never forgiving myself /silly also added eyelashes oops#brewing some art
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when michael kaiser gets animated he'll hit twitter like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs
#bolo liveblogs#blue lock#bllk#michael kaiser#sorry for posting incessantly about some random soccer manga guy do you still think I'm hot#but I do stand by this. his whole secretly insecure antagonist with a weird gay thing going on with the protag concept#is something that goes over GREAT with a particular subset of anime fans (me. I'm fans)#and that's not even getting into the trans ass rose motif or the self-choking which are calculated to make tumblr queers insane
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actually we're going to talk about Folie more because it makes me frickin insane that the two songs that took lyrics from to you unfinished are Coffee's For Closers and w.a.m.s. and in both cases the words are twisted to make them so incredibly painful. because to you is basically to my reading a huge love letter to the band's through all their ups and downs, "all us believers still believe every time we sing "two more weeks'," "you put my head in such a flurry," "send my love, to everyone above" etc etc etc and then not only does CFC take "preaching electric to a microphone stand" and pair it with the words I will never believe in anything again, but w.a.m.s. pulls "worry worry you put my head in such a flurry/ freckle freckle what makes you so special" from the heart of a poem about a band that is also a family and then IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD says I'm gonna leave you, I'm gonna teach you how we're all alone. everything about the spirit of to you unfinished is flipped on its head, recontextualized and handed back poisoned. Folie is almost a breakup album and What A Catch, Donnie sounds like a farewell going into a hiatus that no one knew if they'd come off of. the way to you unfinished fits in feels almost like the same sentiment behind I Don't Care, lyrics taken and twisted around and pointed back, extra sharp, extra venomous, without concern for the harm caused. Pete going down with the ship, maybe. my love and hate for you are infinite, etc etc etc. do you get what I'm saying here?? *shaking you* do you get it?!
#also ''what makes you so special'' compared with... everything about what a catch makes me INSANE#''i don't know much about classic cars but I've got a lot of friends stuck on classic coke'' 🤝 ''I've got a lot of friends who are stars#but some are just black holes''#ETC ETC ETC#there's SO much love and hate and lines blurring fr fr#and it's all framed around just like... terrible toxic relationships??? insane insane insane#sorry guys happy folie a deux Friday Saturday I'm going bonkers#she speaks!#fob#fall out boy#folie a deux#m
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my cyberpunk wip folder is entirely too large on account of too many ocs at this point so have these sketches i might never finish :] top to bottom left to right: ambrose, @mojaves' seb + cassidy's arm, cato, jesse, mojaves' gabriel, seb again + reuben + aubrey, mojaves' vega + reuben again, reid </3, becca <3, james & aubrey again, the butcher, seb AGAIN, kaida, vitali, and johnny!vincent
taglist (opt in/out)
@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart;
@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;
@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;
@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree;
@jacobseed, @swordcoasts
#cp2077#art#art for others#nuclearocs#nuclearart#i'm not. tagging all of them individually i'll fucking die. it's a sketch dump it's fine hi. sorry for this#i just really needed to show you guys all of these but i can't keep posting unfinished stuff LMFAO so here you go. kisses#the seb and cassidy thing is from killing era. and then seb and aubrey and reuben in the car is years later. they're babysitting#johnny!vincent would never happen but i do think about it. i do think about it a lot#and yes vitali shirtless with the blades out it's dangerous but you know how he lives his life#kaida's leg hair <333 AND I NEED TO DRAW BECCA MORE SHE IS SO GORGEOUS. GAHHHHH#the butcher is a new guy also. ties some parts of the story together. he's insane and a freak. you'll love him
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The Nefarious CoatHanger
#just woke up from my nap..insanely cruel of my brain to give me a dream where the current hurricane is suddenly veering completely left#totally missing florida. only for there to be a worse one forming. somehow#like in my dream legit i saw the weather radar of it going left suddenly and i was like oh thank god#and then zoomed in and saw ANOTHER one listed as a category 7??? and got so scared i felt like i was in a horror movie#like wow great dream thanks brain. not like i need some escapism#i stg i cannot cry anymore i dont want to but im still so afraid for what might happen 😭😭😭😭😭😭#ugh whatever I'm sorry for worrying you guys..... bye bye#ruby rambles
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Of course I had to draw my boys in that fit 💖💖👹🐟🎨🍖 2 versions bc I can't choose 💋
#ride kamens#madguy#agata matsunosuke#kamui narushi#araki kyosuke#chips's work#this took so long but I'm so glad i drew it#this is my favourite costume!!! and it's entire team!!!#ENTIRE TEAM IS ONI#I love that they made kamui who's the only one without oni themed rider suit into the oni boss in this chaosworld#also HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAMUI (so far aeay tho but the month already started)#this is my favorite madguy class costumes so far#between ninkyo and oni outfits THEY HAVE NO BAD DRIP#THEY ALWAYS SLAY#IT'S WHAT THEY DESERVED#i haven't even read the story yet but the outfits already gave me so much aerotonin#i love madguy so much 😭😭😭💖💖💖#madguy my favourite guy..#the eyeshdows made me go insane they're so c*nty#im sorry for using that word i have no other words to describe the effect it has on me
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hey when they wrote "knight behind bars" and they wrote kitt helping a couple get together and they gave him the line "Some day, it will be my turn" [to find love]. did they know what they were doing. did they know that in some 40 years some gay autistic robot-obsessed little freak on tumblr would not stop thinking about it for weeks and write literal dozens of paragraphs screaming about it on discord. did they know they were going to ruin Me, Specifically, with this concept that feels like the culmination of everything kitt has gone through through the show and such a fascinating thing to think about in regards to michael and kitt's relationship,
one of the themes of knight rider is kitt developing as a Person, developing a line between the Knight Industries Two-Thousand, and Kitt. discovering humanity, his own emotions, the joys of the seemingly and logically pointless, and often through the lens of his own driver, his partner, his friend, Michael - his primary guide through all these experiences, his reference for those human things he doesn't understand. and as much as he initially claims to not be capable of experiencing emotions, of understanding feelings, he learns to. he experiences a wide range of emotions through the show even while claiming he doesn't, he even learns fear and insecurity. perhaps it's only natural a robot would learn to love, or at the very least be terribly curious about it and wonder if such a thing could ever exist for Him
the majority of people are not exactly kind to kitt. they talk about him like he's not there, they talk about him like he's a machine, a novelty, some people are even scared of or disturbed by him when all he's trying to do is make polite conversation and company. he's always Othered - there's no other cars like him (at least not anymore), but there's no other person like him either, he doesn't truly belong among humans or vehicles. some of the technicians at FLAG don't even seem to fully respect him as a person, at least they don't based on my vague recollection of how they talk about him in Junkyard Dog. when Michael asks him after KARR is destroyed if it feels good to be one of a kind again, he doesn't say yes or no - he only says it's a "familiar feeling." it may be familiar, but it's surely also isolating, and i think that's something he'd realize as he slowly picks up this curiosity about love. where could he even find it when so few people see him as an equal person to begin with?
and then there's michael. oh my god, and then there's michael. no matter what flavor you choose to read it in, the whole show is about their relationship, they're a duo, a set Not to be separated, they're Partners. they work together, they worry about and look after each other (forever insane about when kitt was a melted shell, Michael stuck around the garage for hours, waiting for any news like a worried spouse, constantly checking on him every opportunity he got... encouraging him to recover, and even helping paint back on his protective coating... kitt always looks after michael, but for once, it's michael's turn to look after Him), in a way they were Made for each other - Kitt more literally, being programmed for Michael and holding his namesake, but Michael was also made in a sense for the pilot program, hand picked and given a second life to work for the foundation and with this strange supercar. and even if they had a rocky start, michael comes to view kitt as a person - car, TV set, or computer core, Kitt is his partner, his buddy. he helps him find himself, guides him and teaches him about these things that make us human, and in a way, kitt becomes human - but his entire experience is still through the perspective of an AI in a car, it's still very unique and isolating, and I think he sort of grows into his own limitations, he's finally brushing against the walls that define him.
he learns of love, and then he learns to dream Of love. these things he sees in the movies, that michael tells him about, that he so often sees michael Partaking in that he gets so oddly jealous of, doesn't it all seem so wonderful? he's very curious. but who could ever love steel and circuitry, who could ever see him as an equal let alone a partner in a romantic sense? who would ever love a car and all the limitations That comes with? it's a problem for a hypothetical hopeful Some Day, in the meantime stuck between two worlds where he doesn't perfectly belong to either, where no car Can love him and no human seemingly Would love him...
and michael loves him anyway. before either of them really realize or talk about it, in spite of everything, in any form, regardless of the fact it wouldn't be a typical relationship by absolutely any means, michael loves him anyway. kitt is as much a person to him as bonnie or devon or RC, and that person is someone he loves and cares for deeply. the feeling is mutual, kitt's world revolves around michael, he's one of the most important people in kitt's life, and he'd do anything to protect him.
and it is michael that will finally teach him to love, and what it means to feel loved in turn, to be loved as the person he undoubtedly is.
#liz blogs#kr#knight rider#michael knight#kitt#robots#gay#this isnt writing. its rambling. its very insane rambling.#WHAT is the ship tag. i dont even know. fuck it we ball#michael x kitt#sure#knight rider spoilers#i saw someone make up a really good one but i cant remember what it was-- oh my god was it MK2000. was it. was that iT-#mk2000#retroactively gonna go tag all the fruity posts with that i dont care#do not even get me started on michael learning to love for the first time in This lifetime. ... literally dont get me started i havent seen#the last stevie episode yet. thats next weeks crying fit. but i feel like that's a piece i need#but stevie was michael Long's girl. part of His life. michael Knight can't go back to that. and maybe he Shouldn't#listen. its about michael teaching kitt to love. and kitt Letting him learn to love Again. something real besides his weekend flings#i need a lobotomyyyyyyy i need an ice pick to the brain i need to stop being completely fucking insane about robots#IF BEING INSANE ABOUT FICTIONAL ROBOTS WAS A JOB I WOULD BE A MILLIONAIRE#anyway michael is bisexual and a dashboard smoocher thanks for coming to my ted talk#homosexuality is rampant in the military jerry. thats a bisexual if ever i saw one. have you seen the way he dresses. he calls his car baby#if you dont watch knight rider and you read this i'm sorry i must look deranged#this ship is queer flavored even besides the fact its two guys. there's like four levels of queer flavoring in this bitch
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bucky loves buck like a dog loves his owner.
i'll sleep on the foot of your bed every night. you can curl your fingers in my hair when you wake up with your chest feeling a little too tight and your mind a little too dark. you can tug, i don't mind it if stings. i would sleep on the floor, too, if you asked.
i hope you have a good day. i'll sit at the door and wait. i'd curl up on the porch through all the seasons, unmoving, patient, if it's what you wanted. i'll love you when you want me to, i'll back off when you don't. it's okay if it hurts.
look at this stick i brought you! it's neat, isn't it? it's better than the last five, right? am i entertaining enough for you? do i still make you smile hard enough to make up for everything else? am i too much? you could never be too much for me. i want everything you'll give me.
you are my favourite. person, thing, smell, taste, place, sound, feeling. it's okay if i'm not yours. just let me feel your glow, let me be around you, it's good enough for me, i promise.
let me be your passenger, i'll hang my head out the window, make sure your travels aren't lonely. you don't have to give me anything in return. i can be patient and quiet. all for you.
don't count on it? there's nothing to count on if you aren't here. you are my world. it's always you, always has been. i'm all yours, even if you don't want me. i'll wait for you, always. count on that.
just please don't take too long to come home.
#buck x bucky#buckbucky#i'm going a little bit insane sorry guys#whattttt the fuck the grip these two have on me#i'm not sure how i'm gonna function after thursday#i'm gonna write a song about them i think#or a poem maybe#just something more permanent than a fic LOL#johnslittlespoon brainrot#john egan is dog coded#dog coded bucky fic
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IF 👏 YOU 👏 DIDN'T 👏 READ 👏 THE 👏 FOOTNOTES 👏 YOU 👏 HAVEN'T 👏 READ 👏 HOUSE 👏 OF 👏 LEAVES 👏 (you have read The Navidson Record)
#niche hill perhaps but i will die on it#occasionally i see someone saying otherwise and i become absolutely incensed but then i remember they haven't even fucking read the book#like yeah I'm sorry half the book is in footnotes that's simply how it's formatted#the footnotes are the SOUL of the book they are literally WHY YOU SHOULD CARE#house of leaves =!= the navidson record house of leaves is ABOUT the navidson record and how it affected JOHNNY THE PROTAGONIST OF THE BOOK#i've thought about it and it's more respectable (and you'd come closer to reading the book) to skip the 'main text'#and ONLY read the 'footnotes'#not saying you should do that#but if you're only going to read half of it that is the more important half#lavender thoughts#house of leaves#it's okay to only read the navidson record just don't say you've read house of leaves#HOUSE OF LEAVES is a story about a guy going insane while reading a horror story you're just also privy to the horror story in question#this is so you can truly experience going insane with him and not because it is particularly important in its own right#it's good sure#but it's just a horror story after all#hol
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Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.
The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.
"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."
And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.
Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.
That person was a child.
I was a child.
It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.
I'm not ashamed.
I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.
I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.
If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.
#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child#for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but#pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?#i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age#but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all#and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected#and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement#and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw#until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge#in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug?#i would. a million times over.#anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright#its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam#irl#personal
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