#Sorry for having very reasonable bpd and talking about it privately to people i trust when you also do the same but worse and publically.

[synthetic-sonata]

i need to stop remembering the people i hate exist and just go on unpunished or else i will get so upset that itll carry into the entire week

[duchessofostergotlands]

Hi, jess! A couple of months ago I sent you an ask about a reality tv show (the farm) and a participant who has bpd (she didn’t win the 1 million price, btw - but she was so happy when she found out that a good portion of the public supported her, specially women ❤️ she’s famous because of only fans and most of her followers on social media, before her participation on the show, were men. So she said she was happy to see so many women supporting and following her now). Anyway while watching the show, I realized many of her behaviors were so similar to mine. Then my mom and sister, who live with me, told me they noticed that too. I decided to ask my psychiatrist and psychologist (I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 10 years), but both didn’t give it much credit. At the time I agreed with them - they said I probably don’t have bpd because the behaviors I was describing only happens when I’m home, with people I trust. I’m very “controlled” when I’m with other people, including my dad (who hasn’t lived with me since I was a kid). The point is, I’m ALWAYS making a huge effort trying to control myself in public - it’s exhausting and I believe it’s one of the reasons I tend to isolate myself. I think I’ve actually learned to camouflage my feelings and to avoid things that trigger me. I used to be more “uncontrolled” as a kid, before I created this deep rooted fear that people’d leave me because of these behaviors and reactions. Do you think it’s possible to camouflage some of bpd’s symptoms? And, if so, do you have any tips on how I could talk to my psychiatrist and psychologist about it? —— I didn’t want to make this ask any longer than it already is, but one of my childhood friends was recently diagnosed with autism. We don’t talk much nowadays, but she messaged me last month to tell me about her diagnosis and to ask if I felt I had some of the same treats - thinking retrospectively, we were very alike. It made a lot of sense and I remembered you said sth about bpd and autism sharing some similarities in some aspects of how the brain works. She also told me about recent studies showing the underreported diagnosis in women. My psychiatrist and psychologist also dismissed it, because I don’t avoid eye contact and have friends. I’m really confused right now, but it’s also kinda relieving to get to know myself a bit more and to think that the struggle I’ve felt my whole life is real. (Sorry for the long text!)

Hey :) Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Just like to be able to dedicate a bit of time to longer messages like this and I rarely have the attention span for it! But of course I remember the conversation, it was really interesting to hear about what the contestant went through. 

So yes, BPD and autism are often misdiagnosed as each other as there are similar traits that are often found. Usually around attractions to patterns and structure and also around empathy. Like I don’t generally feel empathy for people in the same way most people do. I’d say unless you’re a close friend or family member - or maybe if you’re a child - I probably wouldn’t feel empathy towards you. I generally make decisions about moral standpoints and such based on what logically makes sense to me rather than any kind of emotional connection because I just don’t really feel that. I think the reasons autistic people may sometimes struggle with empathy are different but to an external person would seem very similar so can often be confused. 

To address your two points that made you unsure about the diagnoses, BPD is definitely highly interpersonal so it can change drastically depending on who you’re with. I can be friends with someone for quite a while and they have no idea but if I’m in a romantic or physical relationship with someone they’ll know within a few days. Romantic relationships are my personal trigger so they’re where I struggle the most. Then in terms of autism, lack of eye contact doesn’t really mean anything. I think that’s a common misconception people have but two of my cousins are autistic and they were both very outgoing and friendly, they were incredibly tactile, I didn’t notice them not looking me in the eye but I probably don’t look people in the eye much because that feels weird haha. Women in particular are not well studied when it comes to autism as you kind of mentioned. They are generally better at “masking” and so are often misdiagnosed or their condition isn’t picked up until well into adulthood. So even if you have friends and can look people in the eye it wouldn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t fit the criteria. 

I wouldn’t want to diagnose you with anything myself as I’m not a professional and I don’t know you personally. The DSM outlines the criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. You have to demonstrate at least five of the following and as with all mental illnesses they have to cause a significant impact on your ability to carry out your responsibilities and go through daily life:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Those are the criteria that would most likely be used to assess you. In the UK we can be diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a GP but have to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to get a PD diagnosis. It sounds like you’ve already been in contact with them. I’m not too sure how it works where you are. Can you get a second opinion? Are there other doctors you could make an appointment with? Could you go private? I’m very aware of the fact that having the NHS in the UK means that my experiences are not applicable to everyone’s circumstances but for me when I first went to get help I was given meds and a depression and anxiety diagnosis and sent on my way. When that didn’t help I went back and got a higher dosage. And then it still didn’t help and finally I was kind of at rock bottom (or I thought so at the time) and needed help and so what I did on that occasion was have a friend accompany me into the room. They had created a list of things they’d seen me do or heard about me doing that were concerning to them and gave them to the doctor, and they kind of backed me up and gave me moral support. It shouldn’t have taken someone else being in the room for me to be taken seriously but having someone there who could express what I might have been too shy or self conscious to say was really helpful. In the end I got referred for treatment and it wasn’t right for me ultimately as my problems were more complex but it helped for a bit. I don’t know if there’s anyone in your life you trust to be able to be there to support you but I think it can be really intimidating to push back with doctors and professionals and having someone there who knows you and cares about you can be the thing that gives you that extra bit of courage you need. 

I’m not sure how helpful that is but I’m available if you want to ask me any questions about BPD or any explanations of how I experience the symptoms or anything like that :) 

[j4nn4s]

rules:

always repost the rules

answer the questions given to you by the one who tagged you!

give 11 questions

tag 11 people

i was tagged by @isakvdhflorenzi, ty miss lorena <3 1. Is the social media presence of the characters important to how you view the quality of the remake/show?

hm well skam nl is my favorite and their social media game is trash LMAOOO so generally No but i do feel like remakes who DO have such a good presence kind of elevate the show and i think it’s pretty heartwarmin to see some remakes go sm farther than skam with social media and puttin out educational and IN CHARA resources like skames does this so well and i feel like in that way, the team is really really spreadin skam’s spirit via these resources (like joana’s billion bpd awareness ig accounts and lucas rubio’s yt channel)

2. Least favourite clip of the show? Why?

tbh there are definitely some duds but probably one of the clips with sana gettin herself into a hole in s4 just bc some were hard to watch cus cringey or yikes .... idk i cant think of others LMAO

3. Which character did you feel the most connected to and why?

ijeoiqjiwoij even tho even is my all time fave skam chara, i have to say isak for all of these reasons 

4. Your least favourite part of every season?

season 1 - tbh even though i really enjoyed this season, it does take a while for it to build up like i rmr at first not being that interested until ep6 maybe ?? which is hard when you’re trying to get your friends to watch but they have to wait until ep6 before shit starts RLLY buildin up and gettin wild

season 2 - hm ig noora chasin after william ??

season 3 - bro NOTHINGGG call me a purist but its such a refined masterpiece like the pacing is good the characterization is so good ugh i deadass cant think of anythin

season 4 - i always felt a little ??? w noora being sana’s bff ig bc from s1-s3 it didn’t Feel like they were that close like even in noora’s pov, sana wasn’t really a part of it that much ?? like eva was more of noora’s bff ?? so i feel like it would have made more sense if maybe sana spoke more with chris or vilde bc sana and vilde eventually seemed to get closer esp with kosegruppa and chris has always been by sana’s side ?? idk that always confused me

5. What is your opinion on the cast’s participation on social media? Do you prefer it when the cast aren’t that involved like the Skam cast, or do you like a lot of content like the Fr cast do?

tbh i don’t care much abt the casts LMAOOO if anythin it kind of brings more harm as seen with the harassment axel and maxence get and also can bring more controversy like with irene (which honestly is p sad considerin how much i love skames bc now i feel super :/ watchin it like she shouldve just had private accts at this point)

6. Favourite song you found from Skam or the remakes?

OMFGGG love this question .... def doorman by slowthai and mura masa bc its one of my fave songs now and i got it from skam nl <3 ugh taste

7. If you could decide which characters from Skam got a season, who would you choose?

OOOHHH ugh torn bc i like isak’s pov but also i want even’s so might have to forfeit isak season for even season ....... hm so probs vilde, sana, even, noora (maybe not w william tho) and honestly maybe jonas too ??

8. Are there any moments that you liked in the show that everyone else seems to hate?

IJXDWQOIJJ yes .... remakes-wise, people hate skam nl s2’s last half but i enjoyed it for the most part ... i think the pacing was off for the last ep but personally, clip 50 made up for it and is p god tier imo ..... and also don’t think the first half of ep10 is enough to discredit the entire season bc i rlly loved seeing liv’s pov and have sm fave moments from the season 

but skam wise, omg might get a lil controversial w this one IM SORRY !!! im bein honest and its Just my opinion ok 

personally s2 got me more invested than s1 and i don’t think its a super bad season like i didnt really say many problems wrong with it until i got on tumblr wiejioqjoiqjq i was sort of interested in the questions that the noora/william dynamic brought up which is, as expressed in william’s war speech to noora, that nothing is ever black/white which i feel was a huge message and feeds into the ‘you never know what ppl are going through’ theme of the season ... like i like the idea of someone like noora, who can have a black/white mentality (as seen in the first clip of s2 when she tells vilde that they can’t have the tannin company as their sponsor bc they objectify women or smth but misses the context and what it could mean for the bus monetarily bc shes caught up in bein ‘woke’) having to break out of that and see more than one side ... and i think remakes like skam austin expanded on this idea well like when zoya was like ‘must be so nice being right all the time’ which i Do feel like is an important for youth to know today .... bc i think its so easy to get caught up in the idea of being so objectively right and morally superior that people lose sight of the more nuanced characteristics to life ... (omg long ramble BUT)

also LMAOOOOO this one might be more controversial as it pertains to bench scene s4 ok oops again doNT GOTTA AGREE !! ........ but i feel like the scene had a lot of good intentions ... i was def kind of cringing a bit tho bc i understand the subject’s sensitivity and how these topics are hard to talk about but i genuinely feel like they both made Some points and should listen to each other .... like as Hard and as maybe ‘unwoke’ it is to admit, unfortunately you sort of do have to answer the tough questions bc that way we learn from each other .... and i perfectly understand why some ppl wouldn’t want to do this and i certainly am tired abt havin to answer shit abt my sexuality or stupid male questions abt women but if u dont answer them, people do go lookin for answers still and the internet is such a shitty place that its pretty easy (esp with youtube’s algorithm) to lead you to ignorant ppl and perhaps radicalization .... questions help us to better understand our community and sometimes they can have good intentions too but we have to ask and answer them or else people will make up answers (which ive literally seen and its honestly worse to see fake as shit and UNINFORMED answers bc ppl did not want to ask you or ppl of ur identity, esp when they’re already startin from a place of hate .... but i rather have ppl ask me patronizing questions than have them spread false info bc that can do much more harm in the long run) however i DO think that isak should also consider sana’s side and i sort of wish we saw him conceding more bc they both have smth to learn from one another, like sana shouldn’t just be learnin from isak, isak needs to learn from sana too

PHEW SORRY QWIOJQWIO girl i just got opinions on some things this is when my desc rlly comes in handy .... oqjdwqioj

9. What did you learn from the show?

omg honestly too much to write here tbh ..... but if it says anythin im (very slowly) in the works of a three part skam essay about basically how skam teaches us to be better humans and how to better treat the people we care about diowjqioj essentially the three biggest themes of the show: you never know what someone is going through so always be kind, always communicate with your friends, and no person is ever alone and i feel like these are definitely rlly good messages to live by (also livet er nå BITCH !!!)

10. What is your favourite headcanon about your favourite characters?

omg tbh i could not tell u at all how the skam charas are doing except i hope even is okay thats all im thinkin of ok .... OIWXIOJX omg remakes wise tho ..... honestly im so bad at this girl IDK !!!!! LMAO i have to really think i have a bit of vdh and dutch even but thats bc we know like Zero abt them so its easier oijwiojqio idk liv and noah bein cute as shit ..... OH WAIT personally i feel like janna got a bunch of pansexual energy so my BIGGG hc is that she’s pan also bc she’s one of my all time fave charas and my fkn url so itd be dope if she was pan ok boom

11. What is your opinion on fanfiction in the fandom?

tbh i don’t read skam fanfiction but i don’t mind reading some from the remakes (tho still its rare) ... eiojeioqw i just don’t trust anyone but julie to write skam charas bc i think that’s how precious the show is to me LMAO like idk everything ive seen of skam fanfiction and ficlets and one shots, i could never get into bc the tone is just so out of character or there will be lines that just take me out of the fic bc im like this !!!! is not !!! how the chara acts !!!! so yeah idk not rlly a fan bc of my purist ass but i dont mind others reading it

Questions:

1. Favorite quote of the show?

2. Which country would you like to see have the next remake? Do you have any headcanons?

3. Which season would you rewrite and how would you rewrite it?

4. What clips do you personally like or don’t mind, but others hate?

5. Which songs do you think SKAM or the remakes should have included? For which moments?

6. Who would you give SKAM season five to and what topics and themes would it cover?

7. What moment spoke to you or touched you from SKAM the most?

8. How did you find SKAM? How did you feel about it right after watching?

9. Have you shared SKAM with any friends in real life? What did they think of it?

10. Of the remakes, which characters are your favorite of their SKAM counterparts? (Ex. who is the best Vilde remake? Eva? etc.)

11. How do you feel about the SKAM (and remakes) tumblr fandom?

I tag: @smileykeijser @whatadaze @queenofpurgatoryx @itlukey @skamyeets @shaykeijser @megeliz01 @isakcijser @wackpainterkid @axelauriantblot @kar-d-momme

(omg ik some of yall have been tagged so just ignore if u dont want to do it ok im srry it was in the RULES!)

[stimtoybox]

So I'm an adult (21) and inthe last few months more and more I think I might be autistic?? I've learned a lot from the community but I have no clue how to go about getting a professional diagnosis. I'm in Canada if that makes a difference? Sorry if this isn't the blog to ask! I've been googling a lot but the sites that come up are all very a$-ish and idk which ones to trust for info

Hey, anon! It’s not a worry. We talk about ND things in addition to cool stim toys. Go you, by the way, for the scary things of self-exploration and taking the step of seeking a diagnosis!

(I’ll remind everyone, of course, that a professional diagnosis isn’t required for full participation in the autistic community. The vast majority of us are fine with self-dx or even just questioning.)

This is hard, in the sense that it how it works depends an awful lot on your region and financial situation, and there’s a lot of different possibilities for how you might go about this. I’m going to try to speak generally (my Aussie may show a lot) but I really encourage our Canadian followers to reblog or comment with their country-specific information and experiences. They’ll be so much more useful to you.

I’ll note that I have no idea how health insurance works anywhere not Australia, so I’m not going to touch that part at all.

The first problem is that there often aren’t a lot of psychiatrists/specialists who diagnose autism in adults, and finding one close to you might be difficult. The second problem is that if you can’t afford to go private, you’ve got even more difficulty. A diagnosis is an adult isn’t an easy thing to get, especially if you’re regional and/or don’t have money.

This is a long post, anon, so I’ve written a dot-point summary and tucked the wordier version under a read more cut.

Summary:

- Gather written information that validates and supports your feeling that you’re autistic, including a ticked-off copy of the diagnostic criteria and discussion of your own experiences.

- Research possible options for assessment in your area, including private psychiatrists who assess adults, local government clinics and university student-training clinics.

- Contact your psychologist, if you have one, for support, information, advice and scripting. If your psychologist works in a specialist mental health clinic, especially a government-funded clinic, this may be enough to get you referred for an assessment.

- Contact your GP/family doctor for referral if not referred via the above. Your GP may or may not have resources for a specialist who assesses adults, which which is why I strongly recommend researching it yourself.

- If you’re not referred to a government service (in which case, at least here in Australia, the GP files the referral and they contact you with details for an appointment) contact the specialist and make your appointment.

The first thing to do is arm up. Print off the diagnostic checklists and tick off where they apply to your situation. Write down a list of all your experiences that you think are explained by autism. Write down why you think a diagnosis would be beneficial to you (school or employer support, say) as this will discourage people from the “well, you may be autistic but the label won’t help you” or “I really don’t like labels” comments. Put together a folder (paper is easier to show to others, often) and keep all these papers together. This means you won’t forget to mention things when you’re doing the stressful thing of trying to tell people why you want a diagnosis.

(This is especially important for anyone who isn’t a white cis boy and might be autistic in ways that don’t involve train monologues. Allistics still don’t have a good understanding of what autism looks like outside of the white cis boy population, and can often be reluctant to diagnose on this basis. It’s not right that you have to do all this, of course, but it can help.)

On this point, don’t assume that they’ll notice everything about you that is autism. If you’re going with a public psychiatrist who just makes assessments/evaluations, you might end up with only a couple of hours with someone who doesn’t dig too deeply. (The kinds of assessments and how you’re assessed can vary widely between one professional and another. Some take several sessions; some give you a quiz and call it done!) If you go in knowing what you want to explore and the reasons why, and present this information, you’re far more likely to get the diagnosis you want. Speaking as someone who’s been through a few general assessments - I didn’t know what I was there for or what I wanted them to diagnose, and the end result was that they diagnosed nothing more specific than “probably Cluster C”. Go in knowing what you need and why you need it. You might not have to lead them down the path, but it’s always good knowing that you can should it be necessary. If I could do my assessments again, this is the one thing I’d do differently.

You can and should take the time here to Google psychiatrists and other neuro-type specialists who assess autism in adults in your area, if you can afford a private clinician and are looking to go that way. Your GP may have to do this anyway, because most of their resources are probably for p-docs focusing on autistic children! If you come prepared with this information, it helps a lot. You can also check out university clinics, as many offer no or low-cost services for student training, which might be more affordable for you. You often do not have to be a student to access this, but if you are, there’s also student-specific services available to you by most universities, so it might be worth exploring this to see if they offer assessments, too. University clinics are probably your best option if you can’t find or afford a local specialist that assesses adults.)

The third thing to do is approach a therapist/psychologist if you have one. If you’re talking to a therapist or a psychologist, you’ll probably be told to go to your GP for a referral (that is the case here in Australia, at least) but they may be able to provide more resources for where your GP can refer you, affirm your suspicions, help you script conversations or provide general support, so if you have one, and you trust them to be supportive and understanding (not all psychologists are), it’s often worth talking to them first. Basically, you’re saying you think you may be autistic, these are the reasons why and what do they think about a referral to a psychiatrist who assesses/diagnoses autism in adults. If you think your GP might be reluctant, having the backing of your therapist can help - just ask them to write a letter to send to your GP.

(If you’re with a psychologist who works in a clinic like a community/government psychology service, your psychologist may be able to direct you to the staff p-doc or arrange an assessment with them, no GP involvement at all. This is how I got my BPD assessment that became a surprise autism assessment.)

The third thing is to talk to your GP/family doctor/primary care physician, same conversation as above. If your GP listens to you, you’ll either be given a referral and contact details for a private clinician, the university clinic or put forwards for an assessment with a government clinic, depending on what options your GP has. After that, either through making an appointment yourself or waiting for the clinic to contact you, you should have an appointment with someone capable of diagnosing.

(I’ll say here: if your GP doesn’t listen to you, get another GP, seriously. Don’t hesitate on this. My original family GP told me, a suicidal person in crisis with chronic pain on WorkCover who couldn’t work, that I didn’t need a psychologist or meds; I just needed to get another job. Needless to say, I don’t see him anymore - five years later, it’s hard not to be aware of just how close I came to dying because of that comment. I just say this to highlight the fact that there are some awful medical professionals out there, people guilty of criminal malpractice, and their unwillingness to support you does not invalidate your need for said support. My GP couldn’t diagnose my depression; he surely never saw my autism. Doesn’t mean neither were there, because they were and are.)

Now, there may be a few or many local differences, so I hope some Canadians can correct me on anything that’s wildly out of place. But the above is a jumble of possibilities based on several experiences I’ve had with psychiatrists and assessments and experiences friends have had with psychiatrists and assessments, all here in Australia.

I hope this gives you some idea of how things work, anon. Good luck. We’re all crossing our fingers here that you get the support and diagnosis you’re hoping for - and we’ll all welcome you here as one of us even if you don’t.

- Mod K.A.

[hawkingbishop]

1/30/19 (cw: transphobia, homophobia, mental illness, bullying, trauma)

(tldr: ive lived a fairly self-imposed sheltered life and only recently have i started living and socializing. my past experiences with all sorts of bullying and other traumas have made it hard for me to have any type of lasting/healthy relationship. i am still learning. i dont ever mean to offend or hurt anybody. if i do will you please call me out on it and help me? thank you! i love you!!)

i wanted to talk to all my friends and family and whoever else might read this.

as most of you probably know i have borderline personality disorder, ptsd, adhd, anxiety, depression, and gender dysphpria. all of this has made it exceedingly difficult for me to make and keep friends and relationships of all kinds.

one of the hallmarks of bpd is "trying everything to avoid real or perceived abandonment". that means that im scared everyone will reject me or abandon me. if i think someone is going to abandon me i usually go into overdrive and try to apologize to them and try to fix the situation, but most of the time there is nothing to fix or apologize for. most of the time its just my paranoia. but in doing this i usually end up pushing them away. like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

i am clingy and needy and desperate for attention and affection. growing up i never really made lasting friendships/relationships. my first best friend moved away in 6th grade. i never knew my father. my cousin/best friend died when i was sixteen. and a multitude of other "abandonments".

in elementary school i think i developed the coping mechanism of being the class clown in order to get attention and to be liked. but in doing so i never really got to know anyone as more than an acquaintance or school/work friend.

and i guess i started being open and honest about myself to everyone in hopes of reciprocation? i dont know.

but add in gender dysphoria to that and things get more complicated. i grew up being bullied and told i was gay, girlie, a faggot, feminine, and all sorts of shit. so i grew up getting taught that the way i felt was wrong. i was a boy not a girl. and i could never be one. so i pushed those feelings down and tried to ignore them best i could.

in doing that i think that started the heightening of my depression/anxiety. i was depressed because i was ignoring who i am. i was anxious because i was afraid to do or say the "wrong" thing and make people hate me and disown me.

adhd made it hard to concentrate in school and work. it got much worse as i got older. in my school days i used multiple coping mechanisms to help the adhd, like be alone to be able to focus better.

because of the bullying and some assault as i got older i also have ptsd. which i think just compounds the fears of rejection/abandonment. im afraid of it happening again.

and you cant get hurt by others if you dont associate with anyone. so ive isolated and avoided most of my life. which made the depression/anxiety worse too.

all of my disorders and illnesses combined to make me what i am today: a grown woman whos really only three years old and whos super clingy and needy but doesnt know how to really go about correct or healthy ways of getting the attention/affection i need. i give myself to everybody and get hurt most of the time because of that.

and i sometimes say/do things that hurt others. unknowingly of course. because i never really learned how to socialize properly. ive basically only just started living my life around 2016. so thats only three years of friendships and relationships. and even then, before now, ive only had two real relationships. and both ended badly.

i always try my best but sometimes i fall short. sometimes i misunderstand people or dont understand them at all. sometimes i feel really stupid because of this.

pretty much all of my friends and family have a better understanding on how to live. theyve been social much longer than i have. everybody else seems to have much more experience with peopling.

i make mistakes often, but i always try to learn from them. im always trying to better myself. ive been in mental health treatment for about 13 years or so? its just really hard for me to instill all of that knowledge into myself. i try as hard as i can to implement all of the coping mechanisms ive learned over the years, but i tend to fall back on the unhealthy ones. like overeating, isolating/avoiding, sharing too much, etc...

so i guess what im trying to get at here is: im very sorry to all those i have hurt with my words/actions. i would never in a million years wish to do that to anybody regardless of who they are or what kind of person they are. i always try to be a good, respectful, trusting, kind person. but i fail sometimes. as we all do. it just takes me failing the same thing multiple times to fully understand where i went wrong.

i am trying. i am trying so hard. please be patient with me. and if you can, please help me figure my way out in this complicated world. i need you all and sometimes its hard to ask for help. so heres me asking: help me be the person i know i can be, the person you all need.

thank you. i love you all.

-Rebecca Philippa Ann Tollingworth

ps. if you need me to clarify or expand on any of this ill be happy to. or if you have tips/advice, etc... just shoot me a private message.

pps. i forgot to talk about my weight. along with the homophobic/transphobic bullying i received there was also fatphobia. i was always called fat and chubby and ugly. so this definitely played a role in my aforementioned hesitance to socialize.

my self-esteem was so low for so long for so many reasons. and because of that i had a hard time actually getting close to people. its one thing to be near a person and spew your story but its a whole entirely different thing to actually first trust them enough to share, and know they actually care and want to listen.

if you scream into the void its unlikely to scream back. if it does then youre probably in some eldritch horror nightmare realm and you should fucking run my dude.