#So why do I go looking for misogyny?
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when you go into the misogyny tag looking for the discourse and people are doing misogyny in there
#misogny#I really want to talk about feminism#So why do I go looking for misogyny?#Why do I hurt myself like this?#What do I think it proves?
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deeply refreshing to see someone critical of Swift who also like, genuinely likes her. Like i'm neutral to positive on her, but the online discourse has been absolutely rancid. flipping between "Taylor Swift has never done anything wrong ever and she's a fucking genius" and "Taylor Swift is the worst lyricist of all time and also a bad person" is exhausting, so thank you for like. nuance or something lmao
not to make it serious for a sec but i genuinely think that being able to like things that are bad is really important. like I think that it's an important skill to be able to look at something and see what you personally enjoy about it and then take a step back and acknowledge that objectively it's flawed. and to also be able to acknowledge that liking something isn't necessarily an identity or a moral stance. and i think that fandom space in general could really benefit from more people taking the time to learn how to do that. it's okay to like things that are bad
#people ask me sometimes why ill occasionally talk about something i like and then go 'but it's bad' and the answer is usually because it is#i love teen wolf. i love genshin impact. i love detective conan. and i fucking LOVE taylor swift. that doesnt mean theyre good#it just means i like them. and recognizing their flaws actually helps me better identify what i like about them!#it's like. in my mind bad > good is the x axis and i like it > i dont like it is the y axis yk. they're not mutually exclusive#tldr it's not that serious. we can all relax a little#irt taylor swift i do also think she has done some real harm to her fans in enabling them to deflect all criticism of her as misogyny#and i don't think it's fully the fault of these people who are parroting that response bc so much of her marketing has deliberately#reinforced this idea that to be a swiftie is to be a part of a sisterhood and that any attack on taylor is an attack on all of those women#who are in that in-group. when that's obviously not the case. but she's marketed herself as. for lack of a better term. 'girl music'#to the point where it makes her fans feel as though any criticism of the music or the woman responsible for it is an attack on their#personal experience of womanhood/girlhood/sisterhood/etc. and that's how you get all of thess bad-faith accusations of misogyny#i don't necessarily think this was her deliberate goal with her marketing tho because like. on first glance such a strong sense of communit#among fans sounds like a great thing. the friendship bracelets i got at the eras tour movie are really genuinely special to me.#but it does present a problem when your fans are unable to separate how they feel about the community and experience your music has fostere#from how they feel about you as a person. especially when you are a billionaire who absolutely CANNOT be above criticism in this economy#anyway. tldr i love taylor's music and i don't think swiftie hivemind is as deliberately malicious as it may seem#but it's obviously necessary to be able to take a step back and look objectively at what you're participating in.#anyway stream ttpd or don't idc <3#taylor swift
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I seriously think girls who are in a fandom centered around men need to go to therapy the second they start hating on men’s real life girlfriends. It’s possible to have a crush and read/write fanfic about a man without absolutely tearing down his girlfriend at every second I promise. If I could do it, you can too!
#like it’s just so annoying!! the internalized misogyny!!#I feel bad for every woman in the public eye who has to date an internet sexy man#they are the worlds strongest soldiers because of teenagers and grown ass women/people were talking about me like that online I’d#definitely have some choice words to say#that’s why I can’t get mad at them when they do get mad at fans because some of these fans need to learn that behavior is not okay and they#need to take a good long look in the mirror for their mental health#you’d think a hot man having a gf would be good because it helps fuel the fanfic but noooo only they themselves are good enough for their#golden boy#like by acting like this you are pushing your golden boy away from his audience and causing him to set more boundaries so you don’t send#death threats to his gf#like don’t you want your golden boy to be happy and live a full life???#I just don’t get it#autumn rambles#I’ll stop complaining I promise xoxo#it just bothers me that fandom culture will always be fandom culture and it will always involve minorities getting unjust hate no matter#what fandom you go into 🧍♀️
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s5 episode 5 thoughts
it’s been a few days. and you KNOW what i’m craving!!!
ohhhh this episode… so i’ve heard about this one before. specifically it was brought up a lot when i voiced my complaints with small potatoes, with a lot of commenters comparing it to this episode. so that doesn’t fill me with a sense of joy and anticipation.
well, i had a nice day. the only way out is through. let’s see if this makes me as mad as small potatoes, shall we?
(author's note: i have many, many questions. i mean i can tell that this was an homage to old spooky movies but beyond that: huh?)
why now in the series? who came up with this? why do multiple episodes explore the concept of forced impregnation as something silly and harmless? why did the agents look so good in black and white? have they danced together before? do you believe in life after love?
let us take it from the top.
we begin with a comic book, it seems? inside is a black and white scene. is this whole episode in black and white? i looked at the image for the episode and it was black and white, too
this guy izzy is trying to go to a comic book convention, but his mom said she’ll kick him out. damn. being a nerd is hard. is this taking place in the distant past or something? well, the cars look older too.
(it was not taking place in the distant past... also, i thought izzy's mom, mrs. berkowitz, was mean at first because she joked about kicking him out, but she was actually the best character in this episode)
later that night we see their home, including a photo of izzy with a pig, but she’s watching jerry springer. which seems anachronistic to the black and white setting. it’s an episode about a hairy baby. while the windows are being covered up with a sort of striped tent??? and something is smoking.
enter cher???? no, enter someone else as cher plays. i do like when they put music in the episodes.
mom is coughing while a man with two faces comes to get her???
i mean, okay, the song slaps. i am unfamiliar with the work of cher and i was jamming out to it, even if i had no idea what was really going on except that maybe izzy made a frankenstein dupe in a comic, and it somehow came to life and hurt his mom. sure. why not?
the intro was shortened... you still can’t fool me.
the whole episode is in black and white????
OH GOD. this lady felt a presence in the room, woke up three days later and was pregnant??? with izzy???
so frankenstein is the father????? and it happened again??? and she heard cher when it went down??? man. man what.
scully is reading this letter… LMAO mulder was mentioned on the jerry springer show episode about the wolf baby, which is how she found him <- BAHAHA this cannot be good for his covert work!!!!
her name is mrs. berkowitz and she is pouring our agents a soda as they enter her home. it is very kind to offer them caffeine as they rely so heavily upon it. and she wants to know about the wolf baby. it feels very weird to hear mulder do the medical talking.
WHAT THE HELL??? she is somehow pregnant again despite having a tubal ligation…. hey what. how is she not losing her mind? scully looks utterly gagged.
the camera work here is so different, there are these intense closeups on the character with a sort of fisheye effect, it's both off-putting and cool
mrs. berkowitz says mulder knows what is happening, but he says he’s not even sure if he believes in aliens anymore??? he has to be lying. or does he actually believe that everything was faked as put forth by the redux trilogy? i thought he saw through that when he told CSM to go fuck off. also, i KNOW he is not dead.
sorry, but scully looks so good in black and white and a pinstriped suit. ohhhh my god.
anyway, scully says hmm, your description of the intruder is funny... because it MATCHES THIS COMIC BOOK CHARACTER FROM IZZY’S ROOM!!
izzy created that comic book character… so the plot is thickening???
enter izzy. we must confront him with this fact. he says that he’s seen “the great mutato” too, and that plenty of people have!! is he hanging in the neighborhood?? doing evil activities??? he's like, a real guy? and not some mysterious intruder???
cut to izzy outside with a peanut butter sandwich, luring in the beast
“i think what we’re seeing here is an example of a culture for whom daytime talk shows and tabloid headlines have become a reality against which they measure their lives- a culture so… so obsessed by the media and a chance for self-dramatization that they’ll do anything in order to gain a spotlight” (twirling my hair... kicking my feet a little... hey scully...)
“i am alarmed that you would reduce these people to a cultural stereotype” <- YEAH YOU TELL HER MULDER ‼️
they’re fighting about if this is possible or not and frankly i think they should just kiss about it
(about the rumors, he says:) “but nonetheless unverifiable, and therefore true in the sense that they’re believed to be true” hey. when they talk all academic?? i'm swooning.
and they’re soooo close as they're fighting over all of this <3
“is there anything that you don’t believe in, mulder?” <- i was really looking forward to hearing him answer that, but no!! a distant moaning cut him off!!
scully….. oh my god…….. nothing to note here in terms of plot, she’s just pretty
the great mutato EMERGES for his sandwich!! and mulder is in trackstar mode absolutely SPRINTING, coat billowing behind him as thunder crackles and his long long legs carry him into the woods. and scully is fast too, but he is so much faster it’s actually funny. that man was made to run. absolute horse DNA
oooooo spoooooky, mulder is running after the great mutato into the woods with scully not too far behind, and they can’t find him!!
BAHAHA the old school movie effects are kinda endearing. mulder pointing “there!” and then a dramatic crash of thunder revealing a silhouette… yeah, i giggled
i’m not well versed enough in old movies to understand all of these references, but i bet they had the horror girlies losing their minds
but it’s just some guy walking a pig?? telling them to gtfo. well!
guy with pig sends them to his son???? who i later learned is named dr. pollidori. and who has a newspaper article about some experiment he did. this guy is looking like a stereotypical mad scientist. “my father is a simpleton farmer. he understands nothing of my scientific achievements” <- okay nerd, let’s not get in a science-off with dr. scully… also, let's not be mean to your dad!!
this mad scientist dr. pollidori says he is going to remembered for his incredible discovery of the “homeotic hox gene” and i hope he is taken down by scully. i hope she disproves every single thing he says. and then spits on him. fuck this guy for real.
i paused to write that down and she’s smiling at mulder behind this evil doctor’s shoulders :,)
mad scientist dr. pollidori tries to pull the whole “oh, let’s have scully explain my incredibly advanced research” card, further proving his evil tendencies, and she says it has something to do with growth. which is more than i could say.
he says he has to leave to go to an important international talk and she hits him with “sir, unless you want your scientific achievements to end up as a footnote on the jerry springer show, i suggest that you make the time” <- DAMN, GET HIM AGAIN FOR ME!!! i love when she puts people in their place.
i love this sort of "fishbowl/actors looking right into the camera" angle, because they look so cool standing like that. and i want to draw them like this, but i can’t draw. so i will just admire them instead. yeahhhh. they look cool as hell.
so it seems that what this mad scientist fellow dr. pollidori does is torture fruit flies and act mysterious? while thunder crashes about. kind of a sick gig aside, from the fly torture, but i could be mysterious and be way nicer. i could be a friendly mad scientist. i know a few of those, and they’re fascinating people!
so he fucked up some fruit flies and gave them legs in their mouths. that is rude as hell.
mulder asks “why would you do that?” (we were all thinking it) and mad scientist dr. pollidori says “because i can” with another crash of thunder. throw him to the dungeons at once!!!
dr. pollidori says "it" (editing genes to put legs in mouths) could theoretically be done in humans. scully tries to assure mulder this really isn’t the case, and it’s not quite that easy, but mulder isn’t so sure
“given the power, who could resist to create life in his own image?”, mulder asks <- honey, you just need a cat. you’re not ready for a child yet. i know you want one so badly, but you sleep on the couch. it's just not the right time.
ohhh she got him with just that LMAOOOO “we already have that ability, mulder; it’s called procreation” <- i am very attuned to scully, as you can clearly tell by me anticipating that line
she says she’s going to really see if mrs. berkowitz is pregnant tomorrow... i did not know that this was a service scully could provide. but i guess i should have assumed.
dr. pollidori has a wife??? her name is elizabeth. she wants to talk to him about children?????? but he says “you know how i feel about children” okay well elizabeth seems too good for you anyway, so??
“what happened to our dream?” “i think that’s your dream” <- BABE LEAVE HIM!!! FUCK THE MAILMAN!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!
everything is so incredibly 1950’s coded in this scene, down to her little apron
i’m picking up a sword for elizabeth, why are you being so mean to her, mad scientist dr. pollidori!!!!!!!!!!! NO, SHE’S CRYING!!!!!!!!! DIVORCE, BABES, DIVORCE!!
but something is at the window?? NO!! STAY AWAY FROM HER, GREAT MUTATO, SHE’S HAD ENOUGH!!
diner time with the agents. seems the whole town is there and they are smiling at them. in an unsettling manner. oh lord, why is MULDER so good looking in black and white too?? someone put me down like a rabid dog.
awww, scully finds a newspaper and it mentions their FBI stuff… who snitched on them!!! :(
mulder is presented with an IMMENSE amount of food (he only wanted coffee!) on behalf of JJ (that’s with two J's), and i still can’t figure out the vibe here, because on one hand we’ve got spooky silly mad scientist dr. pollidori, and on the other hand we have a rapist monster so. like?? hey???
some reporter character next to mulder is writing down everything he says and does. and this waitress gets right in his face to ask if jerry springer is coming to town. i’m uncomfy, you’re uncomfy, we’re all uncomfy.
so the newspaper article had everything they said last night word for word!!! who was sneaking around?? other than that person who was just sneaking over mulder’s shoulder, but we had not seen before??
izzy is being questioned for potential recording of their conversation and they’re sticking their heads in one at a time LMAOOOO. mrs. berkowitz has had ENOUGH of izzy's shenanigans!
he pulls out a tape recorder, and their whole conversation from the night before was on there!!! and then mulder rewinds, and they hear the cher song???? what!!! how is this connected??? and they hear a voice singing along!!! it’s the great mutato!!! he wasn't even there when that happened!!!
SO WHO WAS RECORDING EVERYTHING?????
the great mutato is dancing around in the doctor’s house!!!!!
LMAOOOOO mulder’s spouting frankenstein analysis in relation to this case (hey. call me btw) and scully hits him with the “mulder, i’m alarmed you would reduce this man to a literary stereotype” <- yeah the roasting should be mutual
he asks who else would go to such lengths to get mrs. berkowitz pregnant, and she’s looking around as if she has to gently break the news to him that "well, mulder, certain men love to hurt women", etc etc
scully is reading mrs. berkowitz’s file as they drive off, and everything DOES look true, both the tubal ligation and the pregnancy!!! when mulder starts driving the car backwards???
WE GET ANOTHER CHER SONG MOMENT as they run into a house that is covered with a tent!!! like we saw before at the very beginning with mrs. berkowitz!!! i think it’s dr. pollidori's house!!! and it’s filled with smoke!!!
the girls (the agents) are breaking in!!! have we considered that scully should get out of here considering what happened last time we saw this exact scenario go down????? she’s coughing!!!!
mulder emerges from nearby, but nooooo!! they both collapse!!!!!! and the pig guy/dr. pollidori's father from before has a gas mask and says there ain’t no monster!!! HUH??
dr. pollidori comes back to his home a few days later, and poor mulder and scully and elizabeth are on the floor in a heap, looking terribly hung over from this gassing. they must have been out for like three days!!!
mulder says out loud that he thinks that he thinks dr. pollidori's wife elizabeth was impregnated, which is crazy to say btw, but elizabeth seems deeply excited at the fact. and then he tries to stand up and confront dr. pollidori, but he crashes into some stuff. and people are so right, mulder IS my baby girl.
scully, meanwhile, is explaining that she thinks this is all some big hoax.
but mulder!!! he finds a frying pan!! and mrs. berkowitz also had her frying pans “violated”, in his words!!
his tie is all messy and he’s stumbling around. we are given a brief insight into what drunk mulder must appear like. but a principled man, he has generally sworn off alcohol, so this is all we can use to imagine how such a sight would appear.
when they pull out an empty jar of peanut butter like izzy used to summon the great mutato, he proclaims that he found his smoking gun. lmao
IT’S THE DOCTOR'S DAD?????? THE ONE WHO WAS WALKING THE PIG EARLIER??? HE’S BRINGING THE MUTATO SANDWICHES AND CALLS HIM "SON"??? please put your son on a leash sir, because he is clearly committing crimes
ohhh confrontation time between dr. pollidori and his father…. OHHHH choking is going on. the dad said he did "it" because he can….. terrible reasoning to make a guy, btw
mulder is back in the diner, and now everyone is avoiding his gaze, throwing things at him, trying to trip him!!! JJ spits on his plate!!! he still looks good as hell though.
THEY POUR THE COFFEE RIGHT IN HIS LAP???? RUDE AF????
now the newspaper is publishing that the agents think the monster is a hoax, which i guess explains his treatment. so do the townspeople LIKE the monster, then??? and so denying him is to deny what makes them unique? but hold onto that thought, because now everyone is running outside!!!!
THE POLICE HAVE IZZY???? he has a mask on!!! the cop says they've caught their monster. a cosplay mask doesn’t make him a monster, you utter fools. mrs. berkowitz is a good mom though; she says she WILL throw hands with the whole town for judging her boy, and i respect that
oh, scully with the big reveal: the stuff on the frying pan they found at the doctor's house is used to knock out farm animals???? and farmers have to be on a register to use it!! which leads them to dr. pollidori's father aka the guy who walked his pig!!!!
the great mutato finds his father dead in the kitchen and mourns him, bringing him into the barn where he sobs and digs him a grave. it is sad. but. he still did those terrible things to mrs. berkowitz and elizabeth, so i'm not sure how bad i'm supposed to feel.
so the agents arrive, while it seems he is hiding up in the rafters. they find a puck of that weird gas that knocks you out, and mulder says he thinks they’re too late as they find the freshly dug grave
OHHH they hear a creaking and he WHIPS out his gun, but does this thing where he backs up so he is RIGHT in front of scully… wait, i need to watch that again. yeah, it was good.
it’s the journalist person??? from before at the diner?? here to get a good scoop on the murder!!!!
but now the angry townspeople are arriving!!! lead by dr. pollidori! it’s very much giving gaston in beauty in the beast with the flaming torches. well. they’re going after him. while our agents are in the rain. probably still enduring a crazy chemical hangover.
NOOOO!!!! scully turns around and sees the mutato!!! wow, she actually saw the creature for once lmao. that never seemed to happen in the early seasons
so they go in the cellar after the mutato and find a shrine to CHER NOW HOLD ON. HOLD ON. i have to pause and laugh. WHAT THE HELL. LMAOOOO
at least he has taste, i guess??
they find him in the corner and tell him to come out. scully seems deeply compassionate.
meanwhile, the barn is fully on fire as the journalist tries to write everything down. who will think of the sheep and pigs??? and even the chickens???
they emerge from the cellar but nooo, the journalist sees them!!! and the townspeople are invading!!!
the doctor says to let him go or they’ll burn him out. and he reveals to the crowd it was his FATHER who created him!!
mulder holds up a finger to wordlessly say “WATCH IT, WISE GUY” while the mutato is trying to say something. oh he can fully talk. “i have never acted to harm another soul” <- BUDDY. BUDDY WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING TO THOSE WOMEN????????
he’s monologing now, explaining he was the product of the doctor’s experiments. but his father rescued and loved him. and he tried to learn the science to make him a friend. also a horse is listening to all of this btw.
dr. pollidori's calls mutato a mistake which is rude as hell.
however, if i’m supposed to feel bad for this guy for saying sorry after being caught raping women, i’m not gonna 💀 it sucks that he was abandoned and unloved, but we still need to have ethics in our conduct
scully looks deeply upset though.
he says he learned so much about humanity, and about love; “cher loved that boy so much” <- well. yeah. i laughed.
izzy declares that the great mutato is no monster!!!! i guess that he is his father, so he might be a bit biased there.
mulder is troubled by the fact that unlike in the original book of frankenstein, this monster did not escape to look for a bride! he wants to speak to the writers
“there’s not gonna be any bride, mulder. not in this story” “well then where’s the writer? i want to speak to the writer” <- LMAOOO why did this feel like a dig at the MSR shippers, i'm HOWLING
we end with more cher as cars drive down the road. AND THE AGENTS HAVE THE GREAT MUTATO IN THEIR CAR??? he’s just chilling in the back.
AND THEY TAKE HIM TO A CHER CONCERT??? OR IMPERSONATOR??? OR SOMETHING!?? AND HE’S LOSING HIS MIND?? WHILE IZZY AND THE AGENTS WATCH???
AND THEN WE SEE THE GREAT MUTATO BABIES ON JERRY SPRINGER and when he asks if the babies are hard to love due to their two faces (rude??) mrs. berkowitz says “what’s not to love?” <- okay queen!!!! she may have gone through a lot, but damn she loves her babies!!!
and then… mulder takes scully, and they dance??? they dance??? i knew there was a dance scene actually because i had seen in mentioned before, but i am seeing this??? with my eyes???? oh my god???
they love each other man... and maybe that’s romantic or maybe they’re best friends and maybe it's both or some secret third thing, but that is LOVE!!!!! LOOK AT THEM!!!!!
and then izzy turns it into a comic book??
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH LMAOOOOO
guys please be kind to me if you understood this because i did not. i’m half laughing and half soooo confused
????? man, hold on
again, i see the similarities to small potatoes as has been mentioned before. and we’re supposed to just feel bad for the great mutato and wave off the rape. which doesn’t fly for me. and also why have there been two episodes with this theme now. what was chris carter smoking? and can we get him a different strain?
tbh, i really haven’t listened to cher before but if nothing else this episode put me onto her?? i guess??
i don’t have that same visceral sick feeling that i had from small potatoes, which i take is because we did not see scully as the victim of the violence this time around, but still. not great.
it felt like a huge inside joke i’m not in on. so i’m confused. and i appreciate that this is referencing old movie tropes, but that doesn’t mean i understand them any better, you know?
but they danced :( they danced :(
i waited two days before writing this up to try and let some time pass and hopefully make my perceptions a bit clearer, but i don't think it worked as well as i had hoped. this has to be a record for most question marks per episode writeup. so i am going to NEED to know what the wider community thinks of this episode. and also what you, the person reading, thinks of this episode. is this a cult classic? am i simply too young to understand the references? or is there truly nothing to get and the episode is just Like That for some reason?
i was, all in the span of 40-ish minutes, amused, disgusted, enamored, and baffled. with different percentages of each.
conclusion: mrs. berkowitz is real as hell, mulder and scully look AMAZING in black and white, and i do not forgive the great mutato. also they danced, btw. not sure if you caught that.
however, if i may venture a guess: this episode and the last were more silly than usual, and i appreciate that. but, i actually do sort of know what happens in the next two, in a "describe it in one sentence" kind of way, because before i decided to watch this show i googled it to see what it was about... and i came across this plot point. and maybe they decided to do something a bit more light-hearted before coming in with the emotional devastation. although, that did not stop them last season, so who knows?
i am excited to watch the next two.
#they danced guys they danced.#um. yeah. i'm literally begging you to tell me what you thought of this episode because i'm confused.#but damn if they didn't look good. like REALLY good.#i'm glad i wasn't alive in the 90's because the casual misogyny in aw shucks he's a rapist but he's MISUNDERSTOOD would have made me lose i#we still have misogyny now btw. just it's a different flavor.#anyway. super excited to see what happens next which as i mentioned i know a tiny bit about#and i assume that if you follow this blog you also know what happens next#before i decide if a show is worth my time i do a little preliminary research so this plot point was one of the only things i knew about#before i began watching. and i wish i could see it with a set of unspoiled eyes but in my defense i wasn't sure if i even wanted#to watch the show at all so i'm okay with that fact since it brought us here#(i google lots of shows if i want to watch them which is why i know everything that happens#in house of the dragon despite not having seen it. because i thought hmm maybe this is my thing#and when i googled it i realized it wasn't)#ANYWAY. excited to move on to the next two. but to go back to the now: please tell me what you thought#juni's x files liveblog#5x05#the x files#txf
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First of all, a delightful name for a quest. Love it.
Second of all, this honestly should've been a short quest where you collect clues and have some banter, which would culminate in this conversation. I think as such this conversation is perfectly fine. (Well, at least with my limited knowledge of the topic as a cis woman.) However, just going there and having this talk, without more context and a little more build up, feels... a little abrupt, and (maybe I'm dense but) I was confused about how Taash arrived at the conclusion that the Antaam was blighting dragons. (Then again, when playing a new game, I can get distracted, so I might have missed something before.) They identify the Antaam by finding the ropes, which makes sense to me, but the rest seems less clear. I do appreciate what they're trying to do with Taash and the kind of story they're trying to tell, probably knowing full well how that's going to go, considering the state of the internet these days. I think that's great, and I really enjoy Taash as a character. But I said in my "review" before that Taash could use more questing, and I wanted to show what I meant. This is one of those moments when I thought, "This should've been a short quest instead of just a dialogue cutscene." Then again, I like dialogue cutscenes, so I can't complain too much, but I do think that if there were some more clues and banter leading up to this conversation, it would help us better understand the situation with the blighted dragons, because that tells us something about the methods of the main villains which connects it to the main plot, and also Taash as a character that is working through something very difficult which is undoubtedly a process worth showing.
#Dragon Age#Dragon Age: The Veilguard#DATV#Veilguard#Taash#DATV spoilers#Veilguard spoilers#honestly I can barely imagine what it's like to be figuring this all out in real life with access to the internet#let alone in a universe where you have maybe some books and a word of mouth - thankfully we have Neve's connections#but I've got to say that the stuff Taash is going through is surprisingly relatable... except for them it's an identity thing#and for me it is... was... internalized misogyny I guess... and norms and stereotypes#'nobody likes to be a woman'#'she said I act more like a man than a woman. why does it feel right?'#like I know this feeling and I'm a cis woman#funnily enough I was told I'm 'worse than a man' just a couple of days ago because I was angry haha#like this whole thing made me think about what being a woman even means to me and fuck if I know#like I'm not questioning my gender‚ I'm fine in that department#but when I had my Rook say 'I do like being a woman' I thought 'do I?' don't think I've ever felt so strongly about it as to say I like it#but it's like... fine I guess#it definitely sometimes feels like I'm a woman in a different way than... well... most women I know#not in a 'not like the other girls' kind of way I mean. more like a bull in a china shop way in comparison#like I don't feel 'feminine' shaped enough or 'feminine' flavoured enough or whatever#like I want to be pretty and look good in a dress and I envy some women's 'feminine' beauty but at the same time... couldn't be me#I mean it's all bullshit isn't it? it shouldn't matter#but like I get it#I get where that is coming from
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oops! all wips
#dndads#1st img is morgan . tried to solidify the type of person that would marry glenn & jodie and its like#manic pixie dream girl meets wife under bedsheets. fun loving carefree extremely irresponsible i imagine shes as much a bad mom as glenn is#a bad dad#close family dinner for each day of the week#i imagine its very depressing cool for kids sad for adult/college life meals#i had like a pmv/animatic of tmbg erase to nicks everything but ill never finish it sadge!#comic in the middle i was gonna do like a immediately after the final where willys defeated and schools out for summer norm and scary run#into eachother while theyre walking home#and scary would ask whats wrong and normal would be like#well knowing that the entire world ended because of me has been sort of weighing#on me yeah“ and then scary would go ”normal...do you wish that *was* the reason?“ which would lead normal getting dumbstuck cuz she hits#the nail on the hammer. and then hes incredibly defensive and hes like uh b buh NO !!! MAYBE !!! and scary would share her experience#but itd make normal more resentful cuz hed be like well it all worked out for you in the end with you and your dad and you mom who all love#you. and then scary would get irked and start to call him out but then now that the bottles been uncorked his resentment would start#spilling out.#“you burned my house down! i thought it was *my* family that had the connection with the doodler ! but why- when- ”#and normal would be so frustrated and he couldnt get his words out and hed refuse to look at scary while she looks at him w/ the hardest#look of conflicted sympathy and pain#and all she could say would be stop comparing yourself to me and shed mean that in the most compassionate way possible and norm would just#be like i know#and then the bus would come and scary would have to go but shed look back and then be like “am i still coming over saturday to play#and him busy crying would just give a thumbs up#god now that i write this out maybe i will draw it i have a little bit of time left why not#to me i think scarys someone normal would have the easiest time being mean to#one because of his latent misogyny and this like unconscious superciliousness he holds towards her yet shes the one receiving the#validation he sorely craves and knowing if theres anyone he could talk to and whos understand what hes going through its her so though he#isnt able to be emotionally vulnerable or engage in a deeper level but he does feel comfortable enough to lash out at her#last pic is if nick woke up post doodlerized and found himself on cassandras couch (where the teens placed him) and shes there to greet him
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Actually? Fuck all of the people trying to gatekeep comic book characters that exist in other media. Acting like people can only form opinions about characters based on the comics is bullshit. If someone likes the Teen Titans because of the TV show instead of taking the time to read the thousands of comics "required" to be a "real fan" of those characters, good for them. If someone likes the Young Justice or Justice League cartoons and wants to talk about their love of those characters, they should. If Batman from Batman the Animated Series is a person's favorite version of Batman and their comfort character, GOOD FOR THEM.
This need to gatekeep comic book characters that appear in other media is fucking gross. If someone loves Batman and says he's a great guy because of how he's depicted outside of modern comics, then they're not a "fake" Batman fan, they just love a version of Batman that you don't care about. The same goes for all of the other DC shows and movies. People are allowed to love versions of characters that exist outside of comics and call themselves a fan of that character.
Stop. Gatekeeping. Fictional. Characters
#Are there any fandoms that aren't toxic? Please?#Growing up I experienced misogyny for liking media that fanboys considered to be theirs#(looking at you ⭐ Wars fandom)#I didn't experience misogyny in the Harry Potter fandom before the series ended but then JK R0wling ruined that herself#fucking with the spelling of fandoms so they don't show up in those tags#I felt fetishized and objectified in anime fan spaces (am lesbian)#Comic book fandoms used to be dominated by misogynistic white guys who didn't believe women who said they liked comics#Remember when we used to criticize guys who wanted women to prove they were “real” fans????#Why are women now doing that?#So many women fought to be a part of fandom spaces just to turn around and join in on the gatekeeping#Setting rules on who can call themselves a fan#Stop#Please#I'm so tired of going to character and comic books tags just to see people gatekeeping what iterations and ships are acceptable#This fandom is full of so much hate that I'm losing my love of comic books#I planned on binging Roy's comics#but the die-hard Arrowf@m fans “us vs the Batfam” mentality is ruining the character for me#and from what I've seen of Roy's Titan run I relate to him a lot and absolutely planned on making him my next comfort character#and I really need fucking comfort right now
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God I wish I could remember what Oda once said about mothers in One Piece... I can't remember if it was about Luffy's mother in particular or moms in general, but he essentially joked about how you'd have to be A Really Horrible Mother to allow your child to go off and become a pirate (dangerous business no loving mother would allow)
And just... My vague memory of that comment is living in my head right now, because truly, if Crocodile somehow is Luffy's mom, truly nothing would make him a worse mom than
Literally trying to murder his child and beating him to near death multiple times the first time they actually meet
Going so far to stop being a mom that he became a dad instead
#Moon posting#Honestly I can't help but to feel that if the theory is true I don't think Crocodile has any positive feelings about Luffy#Like I don't think he'd see Luffy as his child or. Anything#Like the vibe I get is that Luffy to him would be nothing more than something from a past life he wants nothing to do with#And a past version of himself he wants buried dead and forgotten#Like think about masculinity- both in general but also in the terms of OP's story#The way some cishet men react to the mere concept of Trans Croco and the way they're ready to dismiss him as a ''real man''#Like. Fragile Masculinity makes it so that if you aren't performing your manliness at 1000% at all times you aren't manly#That's why it's fragile. It's all or nothing. And so if Crocodile was FtM many would see him as just the F. They'd just ignore the ''tM''#Crocodile did not seem like he wanted to be associated with Iva-chan or any of the newkama AT ALL#If he is trans then he is fully stealth. He does not want to be outed. He does not want to have his manhood questioned.#His past could instantly be used to turn him into a laughing stock. He'd have to deal with transphobic attacks and misogyny#So if he just wants to live his life in peace then he could just see his past as a potential threat to his future#Anything about who he might've been could be used against him#That includes the husband he divorced. That includes the child he abandoned.#They aren't anything to Crocodile but something he wants nothing to do with.#And he's willing to go so far as to kill that child to tie up any loose ends#Which sounds horrible but he did attempt to kill millions with a massive bomb so like#Yeah. Sir Crocodile ain't winning Dad of the Year award anytime soon. He does not give a shit about his son.#Crocodile looked at Shinji Evangelion and figured he could have a worse father-son relationship. And he's winning that contest#Of course this reading is absolute bonkers and I doubt Oda could write a trans character with this kind of nuance#It just makes sense to me alright#And I have brainworms#And if I'm being realistic I only think there's a 30% chance the Crocodad theory is actually canon#Trans Croco in general get's a 70% because. You don't give this guy some Secret Beef with the Magic HRT Person like that#Again I just think it'd be fucking funny if he was Luffy's dad#It is 6 am I am not proof reading any of this shit
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Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.
#my period ended so it ain't that.#maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced-#-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad.#maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'.#like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me-#-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women#or gnc women.#why am i so irritable jfc.#every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.'#and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it.#wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people.#so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes.#how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself#because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world.#how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay.#i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that...#irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............#no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me.#why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness#or of gender-expansiveness...#i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years.#need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.
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I open the naruto tag and see a really cute comic about someone colliding into naruto and him accidentally kissing sasuke, being very naruto and sasuke about it but then reaching out their hands again and kissing again. It's cute. I try to insert different characters into the design of the person colliding into naruto. it could be kiba or maybe that guy who collided into naruto the first time he accidentally kissed sasuke at the academy. i think maybe people in the comments have better ideas than me and open the notes. First one reads 'I did not cheat on my wife, someone collided into me and i accidentally kissed this man'. I remember why I am not in the great yaoi fandom of naruto.
#i think saddest part is i was so happy to see that victims of yaoi poll#and all of sakura's propaganda was about how sasuke is gay and she is a lesbian and why are people even threatened by her presence around#sasuke and shitting on her. and it's like that's just another facet of victims of yaoi!!! just saying she is a lesbian anyway is not the#'be normal about women' idea that you think it is#i'm so tired of this. this is why you only get fanart and 'funny lmao' posts on this blog now#naruto#naruto women i'm so sorry#why are you assuming that they are cheating on their wives or that they have wives if they like each other like ffs if you dont like#something in canon ending just fucking disregard it why twist it into disgusting things showcasing your misogyny#the idea that sasuke would marry sakura if he doesn't like her is SO BIZARRE to me. have you met sasuke?#do you really think he would do something out of pity or for social image or pressure or anything? you can NOT make sasuke do anything he#doesn't want to and it's not like they got married really early like right after the war? there was A LOT of time for BOTH of them to#consider their feelings for each other AND for other people#so i'm equally okay with sasuke doing his travels and arriving at the conclusion that he like sakura or naruto and wants to marry them#but what we would never do is marry someone and then cheat because he loves someone else#i personally don't even think that there's a possibility of sasuke and sakura getting married and realising much later that they dont like#each other as partners like they already have time to figure that out. i think it's canon they do spend a lot of time together travelling#and such before having sarada. oh i am not even going to talk about people saying sasuke is with sakura only because of sarada or something#the only other valid way of looking at it is that beautiful post about sakura sasuke and karin travelling together because that's just so#fucking good
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god i wish season 2 of h2o wasnt unwatchably misogynist
#my posts#h2o#put it on for bg noise. got to my least favorite episode ever of all time [irresistible]#the whole season is rly bad tho. charlottes entire character is jst. jealous bitch stereotype nothing else#like yeah yeah shes meant to be dislikable. do you maybe want to meditate on why they wrote her the way they did any deeper than 'on purpose#'? bc it was on purpose. im aware of that. pls think deeper.#this isnt a take ive seen on tumblr mostly jst in the youtube comments btw#like. the character setup of granddaughter of the original trio is so interesting. but they hate women love loses#also i HAAAAAAAAATE ash. everytime hes on screen i have to pause to go watch sth else for a minute he makes me so mad#girl you look like live action william dunbar Go In The Dark. his mra talking points are so. i haaaaaaate it emmas such a butch lesbian 😭😭#my less popular take is that i dont like zikki either sorry. i think theyre both gay. i think they are wlw mlm bffs who shop at hot topic#god. the straight coupling literally ruins any sense of like. individuality they had in the first season [which still suffers from misogyny]#why write character development when you can jst do the same relationship drama over and over again#also i hate how the color grading got darker and less saturated in an attempt presumably to market towards older kids. looks bad#this is why s2 never got a rewrite in my hallucination doc. i have Ideas but theyre basically literally removed from canon entirely#i had an iced coffee so now im Going#<-he cant handle caffiene well but loves the taste
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1 and 17 for the ask game :]
1. hmmm i think akiyama tbh? i feel like people boil him down to shweepy lil malewife (and I'm guilty of this too) a little too often when he's literally a loan shark who makes desperate people jump through bizarre reality tv bullshit to get help from him, stuff that's kinda unnecessary when he's got scrooge mcduck money. it's literally his main shtick as the lifeline of kamurocho. i think he's fundamentally meritocratic and odd and also he was volunteered to kill a guy so kiryu didn't have to which is just. he's down to kill ok you random civilian you. and i think it should be explored more!! i don't think that i have a great grasp on his character but i feel like he's more sleazy and cold and weird and maybe even shallow than people make him out to be? let him be morally gray. if you love him love him anyway, those bits included, yeah?
17. i am SHOCKED there is not more haruka-centric content??? like stuff from her perspective, about her life, exploring her experiences and feelings, etc. she's a pretty important character and yeah she's like young and whatever but that's OUR girl y'know. she's our sweetie pie give her the spotlight. doesn't even have to be fluffy either go make her be angsty and/or evil idk. i think ppl wanna focus on kiryu in their interactions and i get that bc i love kiryu being a father stuff but she's a person too is all. also saejima is quite important and he's barely in short form content??? he gets more attention in fics but no one wants to draw him. are you scared of his big bald head???? well I'm not. should go draw him he's funny
#look if mine fans can make fun of mine for being a stock bro akiyama fans shoukd do the same thing#also ik haruka's bit has a lot to do with misogyny on both the studio's and fans' part but like. still#not a haruka nor an rgg fandom specific issue for sure#ALSO SAEBABA???? i was SHOCKED to find that there was barely anything for them relatively speaking. theyre gay as hell wym#baba my beloved im so sorry girl#anyway thank you for the ask!!! i thought question 1 was gonna be tough but i actually feel pretty good about this one#my takes dont tend to be very hot and my view of characters is flexible enough that most interpretations work for me#but yeah akiyama has committed capitalist crimes and needs to go to stinkboy guillotine jail#tbh im not crazy about akiyama overall but i think if i played the games he's in again that could change...? i gotta spend more time with#him to figure him out basically#some of it's bc he gets the most attention in y4 and his stuff sometimes rubbed me the wrong way#but then again i ignore several Fucking Bad things going on with that game and saejima particularly so why not for aki too yk
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Soo it happen again huh
#horrendous behavior and nobody wants to take responsibility#because is so much easier to keep this papá caliente game going on went some ‘side’ does something awful but is not their fault because#the other side has done something awful as well#and we just keep going and going and nobody ever does nothing to you know try and make this place of supposly fun less of a hell for everyo#seriously I want to smack so many people a tv show is not worth losing the sense of humanity#and you don’t have to be directly involved in whatever happens to be like mmm maybe this kind of behavior is not fucking normal#doing stuff as simply as cultivating your little corner without attacking anyone#oh they said an spec you don’t like oh they ship a ship don’t like well move on and let it be#(there the exception of when the discourse has stuff like racism misogyny or with doxing attacks that’s absolutely has to be called out )#yes you don’t send hate anon yes you don’t run a blog attacking people or participate in directly attack behavior#but maybe getting comfortable casually hating on fans of a ship maybe can normalize that behavior and maybe the people that need#to log off and learn how to be humans again will see that and get use to indirectly hating other fans creating mock names for them and mayb#when they stumble a blog of someone that is not ‘on their side’ they will feel more comfortable sending death threats and so out of touch#accusations#I overall stay away from drama I curate my experience but I have seen mentions this behavior from absolutely both sides both buddie mutual#bucktommy mutuals and multishippers being attacked#and nobody wants to take responsability they just throw the rock and said well the other side does it as well why should be the ones doing#we so easily call other behaviors but god fordib we take a moment to take a look into ours#what others do is not our responsability but the kind of enviorment we cultivates and endorse it is#I don’t think people who don’t do any of this attacking should take responsibility for it (like apologizing is what I saw was the apparent#Expectation) what I think is important is the overall recognition from both sides of hey under#no circumstance this behavior is okey and doing small simply stuff in our corner can help everyone have a better environment#And wells there’s still idiot people who are way to online and don’t understand nobody owns them to like the same ship or character#And that if you don’t agree with opinions you are not obligated to interact with that content simply as that I honestly don’t understand#What people sending death threats over characters genuinely hope to achieve#But maybe a little bit of excile of people perpetuating this can send the message hey this is not okey and I think is stronger if the call#Comes from inside the house#but if we go well is the other side fault every single time we are never getting out of this circle of toxicity#My two cents that probably nobody will read because of the lenght#911 discourse
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If your vision for the deradicalization of right-wing men begins and ends with "other men telling them that that's gross and to stop it" then I'm sorry, you do not understand how masculinity works.
"Men who hold patriarchal status" and "men who are feminists" are two groups who overlap less than you want them to. I'm sorry. That's not solely because men are so happy with patriarchal status that they don't want to risk it by policing misogyny/queerphobia/racism, It's because being misogynistic, queerphobic, and racist, end expressing other forms of toxic masculinity(and often abusively so) are part of how people establish and maintain patriarchal status. The men who have the ability to stop this via nothing but peer pressure are the very people who are doing it. That's by design. And engaging in feminist intervention is, in and of itself, usually the abrupt end of that status and its associated power to persuade misogynistic men.
Like, I have worked in blue collar jobs as a notably queer person. It was pretty much a constant deluge of verbal abuse. In my experience, most blue collar work environments are exploitative, abusive, and bigoted, and very gleefully so. On the occasions I have spoken up about someone saying something that was super fucking out of line (asking me which of the girls walking by was hottest. We were installing a portable classroom at a middle school), believe it or not, they completely failed to be shamed! Because nobody else on the crew gave a fuck. *I* was the weird one. They ghosted me. A full blown company ghosted me. I suddenly didn't have a job anymore because they just straightforwardly stopped telling me where the next job site was.
Like, this doesn't mean that it's your job to do it, but this vision you have of these big groups of men where everyone is on the fence and there is precisely one shit stirrer who can be shut down by a brave feminist man who can single handedly set the example for all these other guys...you are high. You are describing an "everybody clapped" level absurd scenario. Most of these truly virulent misogynistic guys either have zero friends, because, you know, our society is atomized to fuck, or they are in a group where the feminist guy is actually the weirdo who can be shut down and ostracized much, much easier than the misogynists, because there is no such thing as a man misogynists respect who stands up for women.
You might be saying "well, we're talking about longstanding personal relationships, actually. Like, they need to have to want to spend time with you and then, as a side effect, you can mind control them out of being a threat to us."
Problem with that being:
1: Many feminist men also have no friends, see the atomized society above.
2: Feminist men already stopped hanging out with men who make rape jokes because why the fuck would we want to spend time with them.
3: That isn't just because we respect women so hard. We are in many cases talking about men who are also deeply queerphobic, heirarchical, violent and abusive to other men. What initially drew me to feminism and women was a lack of heirarchical squabbling and constant bullying, and the ability to be openly queer. A lot of men who came to feminism did so because they knew that the patriarchy was not a place they would find success or acceptance. These are not the men who are gonna be able to change right wing minds.
4. Men do not view themselves as a monolith. There is no universal brotherhood of men. The actual meaning of the term "Fragile masculinity" is that men are constantly expected to prove that they are deserving of the status of being a member of their own gender. There are large swathes of men--including most of the men who you'd look to as examples of good, feminist men who you want to undertake this project--who are considered failed men, sissies, f****ts, soyboys, ect. They are. Not. Going. To. Convince. These. Men. Of. Jack. Shit. Much less successfully *shame* them. Jesus.
I know all of this sucks. I know it would be cool to be able to just point at a group and have them be responsible for the work. But nah. It's gonna have to be a societal project, one that will probably outlast all of us. Sorry. The thing you want these men to do is, absolutely, the morally correct thing to do. But presuming that it would be effective is, and once again I am so sorry about this, just ignorance of how these social groups function.
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There's something especially biting about people telling transmascs specifically to unpack their misogyny.
After so long of being yelled at or berated by my mother. Looked at with disgust for not shaving my legs and yelled at when I cut my hair, guilt tripped into wearing makeup, and being told any masculine dress was "not socially acceptable." All things that actively hurt gnc women as well as trans people. All things that are misogynistic to imply women have to do.
Every time I try to come out as trans: "I wish you weren't ashamed of your femininity, I'm so heartbroken that you hate women. You're only trying to become a man because you think women are inferior." Following it up with a "why can't you express yourself as you are and just be a gnc woman..." As if she didn't just mock me for those exact traits.
My mother, and by extension TERFs (as my mother is one), constantly imply that the only reason transmasculine people exist is because they are poor little girls who struggle with internalized misogyny. They need to embrace being the gnc women they truly are~ And the gnc women need to fix their internalized misogyny by being more feminine~
So imagine my frustration when the communities I assume to be safe for trans people (both irl and online) hit me with the "transmascs need to unpack their misogyny :/" "a surprising number of transmascs are misogynistic actually :/"
Everyone needs to unpack their misogyny dipshit. The fact that transmascs are singled out specifically leads me to conclude one (or both) of two things:
You have encountered a shitty transmasc person and have taken it upon yourself to decide that the entire transmasc community is like that. I'm not saying misogynistic transmascs don't exist, but if you see someone with a bigoted worldview and go "well this is indicative of the entire community" you are the problem.
You think transmascs are misogynistic for getting gender dysphoria around things that are feminine or conversely, they are misogynistic for getting euphoria around masculinity. This is just straight up punishing trans people for being true to themselves.
Both of these are transphobic arguments and are common TERF tactics to discredit trans people. I do not trust you if you hold the opinion that misogyny is more prevalent in transmasculine spaces than in society at large.
#this is a kinda all over the place rant#it's just frustrating to constantly hear my community singled out for an issue that is much more prevalent in other communities#and it just reeks of that subtext that transmascs are only trans because they hate women#transphobia#transandrophobia
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outbursts- o.piastri
summary: your first season as an f1 driver doesn't start the best, and you quickly realise McLaren doesn't like women very much. On top of that, your race engineer is as smug as the rest of them, and you have to deal with him all the time.
pairing: race engineer! oscar piastri x f1driver! fem! reader
warnings: lots of misogyny, lando is an asshole in this, illusions to ed behaviour, reader is not in a good head space, all of mclaren is super sexist.
pls remember this is fiction and purely for fun!
(also i had no idea what to put as the third photo and it was either the sid (max) the sloth or fernando alonso so do with that what you will!)
part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six
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Monaco. Monaco. Monaco.
You were starting P4. Lando was in P5. You had been given your orders. Keep him in P4, or get him higher if you could. Give him DRS every lap. Don’t fuck up his race.
“Alright Y/n, good luck,” Oscar’s voice rang in your ears as the formation lap began. Part of you was still hurt from Imola. Oscar had made you feel like you mattered to at least one person in the team, but he turned his back on you just the same as everyone else. “Just stick to the plan.”
“Copy,” you answered, slotting into your grid spot. You were officially the highest scoring woman in F1 history. You were breaking barriers. Yet, you spent your winning night alone in your hotel room feeling like you mattered less than the dirt on Zak Brown's shoe.
The light turned red, then they were out. You got a great start, and in one corner, somehow, by some fucking grace of god, you were in the lead of the Monaco Gran Prix.
“What the fuck happened?” you radioed in. “Where did everyone else go?”
“You’re in P1, Y/n,” Oscar explained. “Drive.”
“Where’s Lando?” you asked. You hadn’t meant to take the lead.
“P5 still.”
“How do I get him to the front?” you panicked. You knew what everyone would say. You were officially McLaren’s bitch. “Oscar, how do I get him to the front?”
“It’s Monaco,” he sighed. “You can’t.”
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It was torture. Crossing that finish line first. You’d won an F1 race in your rookie season. You were a Grand Prix winner.
You were terrified to get out of that car. Daniel had to run over and make you get out. Max helped you out, and you didn’t even have anything to say.
“You did it!” Daniel cheered, pulling you in for a hug. “You fucking did it!”
You just nodded, searching at the barrier for Zak, for Oscar, for someone. They weren’t there. You were going back to an empty garage. You were nothing to them.
“What’s wrong?” Daniel asked, noticing the way your mood shifted. He looked at the barrier, and he saw no one in papaya. “Those fuckers…” he curseed. “Not even Oscar?”
“It’s fine,” you shook your head, trying to calm yourself down. “I didn’t stick to the plan.”
“What plan?”
“Help Lando,” you explained. Max rolled his eyes.
“You’re a better driver than him, McLaren are lucky to have you,” Max told you. “Come celebrate with us, yeah?”
You nodded and continued on with your duties, diligently doing every interview, praising Lando for making up a place and joining you on the podium, while he bad-mouthed you to the press over ‘not following the plan’.
You walked into the garage and they all clapped. The first woman to do it. Highest female points scorer in history. You looked at Oscar, who offered you a sad smile.
Someone called for you to make a speech, but you couldn’t do it. You walked into your driver’s room and you broke down.
You’d never been the kind of person that was easy to break down. You hadn’t been the kind of person someone wanted to break down either, but you were well past wondering why they had started to hate you. When you were signing your contract, you were so sure that they wanted you. You were positive it would be different from the last time, different from RedBull. You were wrong. A knock on the door silenced your sobs and stopped the thousands of thoughts running through your mind.
“Y/n,” it was Oscar, of fucking course. “Zak wants to see you.”
“Fuck off,” you sighed. “I’ll talk later.”
“He really wants to see you-”
You swung the door open, angry. “For what, Oscar? For what? To berate me for being a good fucking driver?! To scream at me for not following the plan?!” you screamed, and caught a glimpse of Lando. “And another thing,” you turned your attention to Lando. “I am so fucking sorry that you can’t do things on your own, and you constantly need my help and Zak’s approval to live your life!” You turned back to Oscar. “And you, you. You can stop fucking pretending to be my friend, just to turn on me again. We all fucking know I’m not staying here next season, so let’s just get through the year and say our goodbyes, yeah?!”
You slammed your door behind you. A few hours later you woke up from a nap you didn’t remember taking, and you saw Oscar sitting at your desk. The sun had set.
“Evening,” he smiled.
“What are you doing here?” you asked.
“Everyone went home, I wanted to talk to you, so I waited,” he shrugged.
“Why do you want to talk to me?” you questioned.
“I’m sorry,” he started. “McLaren is a complete boys club, and it’s shit. I’m sorry that I’m part of that. I’m sorry that I’m not allowed to openly support you. I’m sorry that we’ve made you feel like you shouldn’t be a good driver. I’m sorry. I really hope you can forgive me and I can be here for you. Just as a friend, or someone to stand at the barricade for you, someone to be in your corner when everyone else isn’t.”
You stared at him. “Why are you doing this?”
He shrugged. “My mom gave out to me after she saw your win and the fact that I wasn’t there.”
You nodded, a flat smile on your face. “Great, good for you.”
“So, friends?” he asked.
“No. Thanks though. Can you close the door on your way out?”
He got up and sighed. “I’m not letting this go,” he told you.
“You should,” you advised. “I’m very stubborn.”
“I know,” he smiled. “But so am I.”
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In Canada, Oscar didn’t leave you alone all weekend. He ate lunch with you, speaking only about racing the entire time, though you did end up talking about his family for a little bit, and you found out he had 3 sisters. You told him that made sense, and he laughed. He walked with you everywhere, talking about the track or something to do with the car. It was nice. Not as nice as your pre-race playlist, though.
୨ৎ⋅୨ৎ⋅
In Spain you two went and got dinner while the rest of the team celebrated Lando getting P2, while you were in P1. He stayed true to his word, and after this win you even let him hug you at the barrier.
“Why didn’t you call anyone after your win in Monaco?” he asked after you’d both had a little bit too much wine and you were both a bit loose-lipped.
“No one to call,” you shrugged.
“Family?”
You chuckled. “They don't care. I haven’t spoken to them in years.”
“But you’re 22?” he reminded you.
“When I went to F3 and moved to England, they cut me off,” you explained.
“I’m sorry-”
You waved a hand. “It’s fine. It’s just like that for some people. Tell me about your family,” you prompted.
God, Oscar could talk for hours if someone let him. You wondered why people thought he was an introvert, he talked all the time.
It was nice.
୨ৎ⋅୨ৎ⋅
The next few races went by in a blur of points and shitty team meetings. Oscar did what he said he would though, he stood at the barrier after every race with a smile and a hand shake, with congratulations on his lips.
You accepted them, maybe still a bit disconnected from him, but as Spa rolled around, and you rolled 8 times because of a mistake Lando had made, you were thankful that he’d been the one to ride with you in the ambulance. You’d pulled 60G. You had a bad concussion and some broken ribs. He waited with you all day, listening to everything the doctors said and taking notes for your trainer (your new trainer, he’d somehow convinced Richard to quietly leave. Maisie, your new trainer was much nicer), and sat there, watching you all night.
When you woke up with his hand in your hand, you felt… safer. You weren’t as weary as you had been. Some part of you trusted him.
“You’re awake,” he yawned. “Morning.”
“You stayed here?” you questioned. He nodded.
“I was hardly going to leave you alone,” he scoffed.
“Thank you,” you said, sincere for once.
“No problem,” he smiled.
And you felt something you hadn’t left for a long time.
You felt cared for.
It was strange, but it was wonderful. And it scared you.
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Oscar's POV:
He had to do something. He had to help you. That’s what he kept telling himself. He got Richard to leave and stop with his ED bullshit, he got Maisie, a new trainer who would actually care about you. He stuck up for you in every team meeting, getting on Zak’s nerves, but he didn’t care.
He hadn’t been lying when he said his mom had given out to him. She’d reminded him that she hadn’t raised him to be an unkind, unjust person. She reminded him of your devastating radio messages in the Monaco GP when you apologised for winning.
It sucked because she was right. He knew he’d been in the wrong for months and he knew it. He wanted to befriend you and help you. He wanted to support you, genuinely. He was putting his job on the line for it, for fuck’s sake. So he was going to.
He somehow went through weekend after weekend, telling you small fun facts and talking your ear off for days at a time just so you could open up to him. He wanted to be there for you, so he became the most extroverted person he’d ever heard of. He talked more than Daniel, which was saying something. He listened to the same music you did, he ate with you, he listened to you when he spoke.
And he enjoyed himself. You were great company. You were an interesting person. He liked making you laugh. He liked seeing you smile after a good race. He liked the fact that you went straight to him after a race. He liked your new tradition of getting an ice cream with him after a win.
He liked you.
So when he saw you flip 8 times in Spa of all places, his heart dropped. He’d been known to be a calm, collected, and stoic person. The way he screamed ‘fuck’ when you crashed was anything but calm, collected, or stoic. The way he spoke to you on the radio, begging you to answer him, he wasn’t calm, he was terrified.
When you answered, the sigh of relief he let out was anything but stoic. The way he sat in your hospital room with you the entire night, waking up to check that you were still breathing, that was anything but normal.
He was falling for you. In some insane turn of events, his quest to become your friend had taken a nosedive.
And he was fucked.
He knew it because he couldn’t help but smile when you reached out for his hand as you slept, and his heart skipped a beat.
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