#So whenever I feel anxious about something or action I should try to do something positive related to it so i associate with a safe/good...

[celibibratty]

(gasp), that's so mind-blowing!!!, I probably don't enjoy ART and mine art as much cuz i have bad associations with!?, so many bad associations, this probably what it's killing mine passion for art and things, but what do i do to change It? (This probably a mindset developed from years(2020)), I have bad associations with art as a thing, and with my own art!?, what i do? At this point it seems it's too engraved in my brain and body, like a tattoo

[electronickingdomfox]

Star Trek TOS slash bits (Season one)

This is my personal rundown of all the slash scenes in TOS season one. Actually, "slash" isn't an accurate descriptor, since slash was born after and because of Star Trek; but I didn't know how to call it otherwise. I've omitted episodes when I didn't find anything remarkable in them. And I've tried to be as objective as possible. Of course, this stuff depends a lot on the "eye of the beholder", so your mileage might vary.

-What I count: lingering touches or affectionate looks, clinginess, actions that show a strong concern/familiarity with each other, suggestive scenes...

-What I DON'T count: friendly gestures (like smiling or looking amused when someone says something funny), scenes taken out of context, physical proximity just because there's not enough space...

I'll try to illustrate some scenes when necessary, though screenshots usually don't do justice to it.

For season two, go here.

The Corbomite Maneuver:

Spirk: Kirk tells Spock his explanations give him "emotional security" with a loving look. Spock appears a bit embarrassed. Not counting the scene where Kirk makes a video call while shirtless (funny as it may seem out of context), since that scene has nothing to do with Spock himself. He's just calling the bridge, not Spock in particular.

McKirk: McCoy surely likes to cling to the Captain's chair a lot. He gets really close for a good chunk of the episode.

Should I count the scene where he hides a red alert in sickbay, so Kirk can keep sweating shirtless in his med bed? On the one hand, it may seem suggestive, but on the other, McCoy is just anxious about finishing his medical exam on the Captain.

Spones: McCoy tells Spock (with a somewhat hopeful look) that he'd love to teach him strip poker. Remarkable because there's no hint of sarcasm at all, and Spock answers with a mischievous smile.

The Enemy Within

Spirk: The scene where Spock enters the cabin and seems so agitated by the sight of shirtless, absurdly sensual Kirk.

Also a bit at the end, when Kirk thanks Spock on behalf of his two... halves. He has the Look in his eyes.

McKirk: McCoy is again pretty close and physical with Kirk (the good one). He stops agreeing with Spock's logical plan to merge the two halves, as soon as they discover that it may put Kirk's life in danger.

The true couple of this episode, however, is Good Kirk x Evil Kirk.

The Man Trap

McKirk: The way Kirk tells McCoy that he's not counting his errors, and how he smiles and approaches him to apologize, comes off rather flirtatious.

Also, though he's joking, Kirk can't help offering McCoy the most shitty bouquet of flowers ever, and calling him by his pet name "Plum" at the first opportunity.

The Naked Time

Spirk: "Jim, when I feel friendship for you, I'm ashamed". Also at the end, when Spock asks Kirk if he's okay, but Kirk asks Spock about his wellbeing instead, with a loving expression in his face.

Balance of Terror

McKirk: The scene where Kirk is lying in bed and he invites McCoy to enter, and then they stare at each other with such fondness. On top of that McCoy makes a heartfelt speech about the uniqueness of all lives, and begs Kirk not to sacrifice himself.

What Are Little Girls Made Of?

Spirk: This may be a stretch, but Chapel implies that she can recognize the real Corby by his voice alone, because she's in love with him. Later, Spock guesses there's something wrong with Kirk just hearing him (actually an imitation of his voice made by an android). Apart from this, Kirk's way of ensuring that his android copy is recognized as a fake, is implanting in him mean remarks about Spock.

Dagger of the Mind

McKirk: Again, McCoy has to be all over Kirk's chair whenever he's in the bridge.

Spirk: At the end, Kirk ponders about loneliness, but then he looks at Spock, smiles, and seems to get better. Spock kind of returns the smile.

Besides this, Spock's mind meld with Van Gelder is rather... well... intense.

Miri

Spirk: A brief moment, but when Spock says "Whatever happens, I can't go back to the ship, and I do want to go back to the ship, Captain", he and Kirk exchange knowing looks, and Spock even smiles a bit.

Spones: Spock is very tender with McCoy while he's unconscious, after testing the vaccine on himself. He holds his hands for a looooong time.

The Galileo Seven

McKirk: McCoy still seems unable to talk with Kirk at a normal distance in the bridge. Granted, he gets so close because he's gossiping about Spock's emotional reaction. But that makes it even more gay.

Spirk: "Mister Spock, you're a stubborn man." In context, he's just teasing Spock like everybody else on the bridge, but in Kirk's case, it seems more affectionate.

Court Martial

Spirk: It's normal that a First Officer would be loyal to his Captain, and testify in his favor when his career is at stake. But Spock's comparison of Kirk's inability to make a mistake, with a hammer's inability to overcome gravity, is way too much, isn't it? Specially for someone who pretends to be as logical as Spock.

The Menagerie

McSpirk McCoy refuses to believe Spock is the culprit, despite damning evidence against him. And he's barely able to arrest him, sending him to his quarters instead of the brig. Kirk is more firm in his duties as Captain, but still considers the court martial against Spock as the most difficult time in his career. At one point, he almost wishes his shuttle failed, so he didn't have to confront Spock.

This episode also shows how crazy Spock can become to protect those he loves and respects (in this case, Pike). Motherfucker just committed mutiny in the Captain's face!

Shore Leave

Spirk At the very start, Spock stands behind the Captain's chair, and Kirk complains about pain in his back. A yeoman, also behind him, starts giving Kirk a back massage. And Kirk seems to be enjoying it quite a lot... until he discovers it's not Spock doing it. Then he orders the yeoman to stop, annoyed. Also later, when the airplane is shooting at Kirk and Spock, the two of them embrace and grab each other a lot. It doesn't help that Kirk has, as usual, his tits out.

The Squire of Gothos

Spirk The best way for Trelane to ensure Kirk's cooperation is threatening Spock at gunpoint. This changes Kirk's attitude to him at once.

There's also something seductive (and masochistic) in Kirk's promise to Trelane to give him all the excitement he wants with a manhunt game.

Arena

Spones "Doctor, you're a sensualist" "You bet your pointed ears I am..." It's not just what he says, it's how he says it.

There's also a little detail, when Spock raises from the Captain's chair, and Bones purposefully follows his hand with his fingers. It's strange. Might be an unconscious action on DeForest's part?

The Alternative Factor

McKirk A similar example as the previous "sensualist" one, but this time with Kirk.

Tomorrow is Yesterday

McKirk He can't stop doing this, can he?

Besides this, McCoy gets very anxious as soon as Kirk beams down to the airforce base, and argues with Spock because he feels the Science Officer isn't doing enough to retrieve Kirk from there.

Spirk Kirk hits a guard and hurts his hand a little, so Spock goes toward him and checks the poor baby's wrist.

However, nothing in this episode compares to the truly lustful looks that Kirk directs to Captain Christopher, when he first meets him.

The Return of the Archons

Spirk At the end, Kirk keeps looking at Spock with silly heart eyes, even though the conversation is a philosophical one, about the pros and cons of a society run by computers.

A Taste of Armageddon

Spirk "Captain, you almost make me believe in luck." "Why, Mister Spock, you almost make me believe in miracles." Bonus points because it comes absolutely from nowhere, since the day was saved by Kirk's power of bluff and special brand of diplomacy. Spock hasn't done anything particularly miraculous (well, there's the mind meld with the wall, but that was a brief moment). Spock also looks confused, and there's that comedic music in the background.

Space Seed

The only thing I can think of, is the tense scene between Kahn and McCoy in sickbay, when he grabs the doctor by the neck and says he likes brave men. Followed by McCoy's statement that Kahn has a certain "magnetism, almost electric". The final confrontation between Kirk and Kahn is also a bit suggestive at times.

This Side of Paradise

Spones MCCOY: That didn't sound at all like Spock, Jim. KIRK: No. I thought you said you might like him if he mellowed a little. MCCOY: I didn't say that. KIRK: You said that. MCCOY: Not exactly. He might be in trouble.

Notice how quick Bones denies having said he might like Spock... Almost as if embarrassed. Does he think often about how Spock could be more to his liking?

Spirk It's possible to see some jealousy from Kirk about Spock and Leila's relationship. In particular during the fight, when he confronts Spock about his courtship of Leila. That came a bit out of nowhere. On the other hand, I disagree with the common idea that his parting from Leila has spirk undertones. On the contrary, he's just talking about his responsibility to the ship and "that man on the bridge" (the Captain; first Pike, now Kirk). And I think there's genuine regret in his abandonment of the simple happiness in the colony, to take care of these responsibilities. His mention of "purgatory" reinforces that.

The Devil in the Dark

Spirk Spock is very protective of Kirk in this episode. First, he invents some bullshit excuse to stay in the cave with him, instead of helping Scotty with the reactor (Kirk sees through his bullshit, by the way). Then he's quite unwilling to proceed separately through the tunnels. And finally, he gets really emotional when Kirk's alone with the horta, and asks him to kill the creature, even though Spock was the one who wanted to protect her first. Apart from this, Kirk supports Spock for a while, after being hurt by the mind meld with the horta.

Errand of Mercy

One name: Kor. Interesting that the episode that introduced Klingons, did so by showing their commander lusting so much after Kirk. Kor checks Kirk out almost from the second he lays eyes upon him, tells him he'll "teach him how to use his tongue", invites him to a drink while Kirk sits suggestively, and both are somehow fascinated by their similarities as commanders (despite their opposite outlooks on life). Definitely one of the most obvious examples in season one.

City on the Edge of Forever

Spirk This exchange:

SPOCK: Interesting. Where would you estimate we belong, Miss Keeler? EDITH: You? At his side, as if you've always been there and always will.

Some people have said that, since Spock's computer contraption occupies one bed, Kirk and Spock would need to sleep together on the other bed. I don't agree though; I see no reason why they couldn't move the thing to the floor at night. It's not that big.

McSpirk How they run to embrace Bones when they finally find him. Even Spock is overcome by emotion.

Operation: Annihillate!

McSpirk Both Kirk and McCoy are very concerned about Spock having lost his sight (much more than Spock himself). Though they react differently. McCoy is heartbroken and blames himself. Kirk reacts with anger and lashes out at Bones, which makes him feel even more guilty. Though later he apologizes. There's also this scene where the three get ridiculously pressed together.

Doesn't count in part, because there's not that much space. McCoy didn't need to come bumping into the other two, though (someone could have moved a bit forward).

Spones McCoy is offended about Spock not appreciating his face upon recovering sight, and complains that he just can't recognize beauty. He's also quite embarrassed because Spock heard him saying he was the best officer in Starfleet.

Summary

Spirk: 16 out of 29 episodes Spones: 5/29 McKirk: 8/29 McSpirk: 3/29

[lawofangie]

Hey girl, love that you’re manifesting so young! Any tips/methods on how to persist with manifestations throughout the day? Scripting and robotic methods often work for me x

persisting could be a little hard for me sometimes because of where i came from, so i do get anxious from time to time (it used to happen way more). but, i like to accept things once/whenever they cross my mind or do SATS.

you don't need to persist every hour of the day, i mean if you want to you totally can? but i don't see why you would? to me, it feels like putting in extra work you created. because manifesting is just accepting you have something, and no method is going to change that because that's all it boils down to: do you have it or not? it's really a simple yes or no, and your answer should match your (mental) actions.

i used to get so worked up about affirming, i used to have a counter app too, just to get nothing. so, i find just accepting it a lot easier than using a method. that's what works best for me.

i'm not sure if you were just curious or you're thinking of trying different methods, but i have a post on this already. this is a "step by step" if you are curious or interested:

[okkotsui]

kamisato ayato ⇄ about you.

synopsis : ever since the two of you got together, ayato is making sure he remembers and knows every single detail about you despite him being a busy man.

tags / warnings : gender–neutral!reader, lots & lots of fluff!!

truth be told, ayato is too busy to be in a relationship when he is the head of the kamisato clan, alongside being the head commissioner of the yashiro commission.

he only got little to no time for himself, why enter a relationship?— of course, every person’s perspective changes especially the time when he first saw you— merely interacting, the way you look at him— with other people. he was mesmerized.

thoma saw it all, even his sister, ayaka. they saw it with their very own eyes how ayato changed when you entered his life. it was a great consequence, a positive one that thoma doesn’t have to worry about his waka anymore when it comes to his personal needs and problems because you made him— ayato prioritize himself before his duty and work as a head and a commissioner.

it was a tedious process when the two of you met and went to your own love story. ayato still remembers and knows very little things about you. from what you like to your favorites, hobbies from time to time, and your actions every time you are uncomfortable or anxious— he figures it all out. honestly speaking, he won’t forget any of it.

this is one of the days that you two had your time to yourselves where ayato finally manages his time well off and on from work, it was all because of you and he is grateful for it.

“darling, what are you doing here?” he came out of the state where you sat, drinking your favorite drink whilst taking a deep breath and fresh air to appreciate around you.

he knew that you’d been drinking your favorite refreshment these past few days and ayato noticed it, every time you do, you’ve been trying to calm yourself for some reason, there has been something bothering you.

not to mention, he requested your favorite food be brought here any minute now.

“ayato,” your eyes softened at his approaching figure where you moved to the side for him to be able to sit beside you.

“just taking some fresh air,” you replied, after he sat down, your favorite food was placed down, making you feel at ease.

your lover knows you very well.

“i see, if you’re tired, do not be afraid on taking a rest.”

“that’s ironic, isn’t that my saying for you?” you teased as he chuckled, leaning your head against his shoulder where his fingers were intertwined with yours.

“i am currently resting, that is not a problem but your rest? have you been resting?” he questioned back where you sighed in defeat.

“i am but it doesn’t feel enough” You closed your eyes, basking in his scent that always makes you feel at home every time you just took a bite of the food in front of you.

“it’s alright, you do not need to rush when you rest, that’s what you told me, didn’t you? take your time doing so.” he smiled, his eyes glimmering whilst looking at you.

there wasn’t a day that he never fall for you harder.

nodding your head, you indeed take your time resting (and eventually eating) with him. it was one of the times that the two of you just takes a break from each other with comfortable silence.

ayato tells himself that he should focus on taking care of you than himself, you told him many times that he shouldn’t as his being healthy mentally and physically affect everything around him positively, especially when he is overworked, somehow.

he always reminds himself to take care of you first but when you told him that he should prioritize himself first, he did it because you told him to and once he did, he always checks you like you are doing to him, just a give and take.

“do not pressure yourself, alright? it’s more important than our work” and that made you smile, seeing your good influence on him after years of being together.

what you did not know is Ayato is always thinking about you whenever or wherever he is. how he dedicates his life and work for you, to make everything better for the both of you.

“of course my love, not a problem.” you leaned your head against him, resting on each other’s arms as both of your homes.

staying like that until both of you are satisfied, it was time to go back to work— for Ayato that is. when going back to his working chambers, his heart is still beating, yearning for every inch of you. he just wanted you to stay by your side until every sun sets down the horizon.

he loves you much dearly with all of his life.

[leviathanlazarus]

Make It Better

Pairing: Danny Wagner x Josh Kiszka

Word Count: ~2900

Warnings: slash & smut, people!! Blowjobs! Also some blood (non-sexual). 18+ only~

Inspired by Danny kissing Josh's hand during the Cleveland show (and what a show that was!) and, of course, Halloween. Hope you enjoy ;)

---

“You sure you wanna start carving them now?” Danny asked Josh, who was gleefully cradling two pumpkins in his arms from the porch. Danny was holding the front door open for him, letting the crisp, cold breeze momentarily waft into the house. 

“Jake and Sam can do theirs whenever,” Josh answered. He heard–and felt–Danny following his steps as he went through the hall and into the dining room. With a little huff, he set the pumpkins down on the ratty old tablecloth they’d both laid out for the event. “It’s not our fault they’re stuck on interview duty today.”

“I don’t know,” Danny remarked, leaning against a chair. “Carving pumpkins seems like just as much work. Maybe more.”

Josh looked up with a little smile. “This is supposed to be fun, Daniel. Come on, where’s your Halloween spirit?”

Danny sat down, spinning one of the pumpkins around in front of himself. “Play ‘Monster Mash’ and I’ll get into it.” 

Josh laughed. “Sure, fine by me.” He started to sing the words, mimicking the silly voice of the original song, as he meandered into the kitchen, phone in hand. Soon enough the real thing was playing from a speaker, hopefully truly getting Danny to perk up–whenever Sam was out of the picture even for a little while, it was like a little of Danny’s energy was gone with him. Josh could relate though. Whenever his twin was absent, he felt a little emptiness in the pit of his stomach. But he was happy to have some one-on-one time with Danny. That didn’t happen very often. Not to mention none of them had actually carved pumpkins since they were literal children–this was going to be fun.

“What’s yours going to be?” he asked as Danny sliced the top off his pumpkin, Josh following suit with an enthusiastic sawing motion. Using knives was always a good time as far as he was concerned. 

“I was thinking of trying to make it look like Sam’s drunk face,” Danny told him with a laugh. “But I don’t know if I have the skills. We’ll see.”

Josh laughed too. “That’s a good idea. Maybe I should make my pumpkin look like Jake’s guitar face.” 

“Put these two pumpkins together and it’s basically Jake’s ass,” Danny said, smirking to himself; Josh cackled in return. He wasn’t exactly wrong. Then Danny stood up and leaned over the table, hand disappearing into the pumpkin. “Ugh, this feels disgusting. Why the fuck are we doing this again?”

Josh did the same and, yeah, it was pretty gross. So cold and slimy, the seeds slippery between his fingers. “We’re bonding,” he reminded Danny, who was still so immersed in the pumpkin guts that Josh wasn’t even sure what he’d said had been registered. He and Danny slopped handfuls of pumpkin guts onto a platter together, as in sync as they all were on stage.

“Sam will probably want the seeds,” Danny said, reaching back in as the Ghostbusters theme started playing. 

“Good. Nothing left to waste,” Josh replied, beginning to feel very focused on the task at hand himself. He really was going to try to carve Jake’s guitar face into the pumpkin. “We can compost the rest.”

Danny was even more quiet than usual, he quickly noticed, and Josh didn’t think it was just because they were immersed in jack-o-lantern carving. He wanted to ask about it–was there something bothering him? Was he just really not into this? Josh’s sudden onslaught of anxious thoughts broke his concentration and as he was bringing the knife down in a steep curve, it slipped and, in the blink of an eye, bright red blood was shining on the blade, down his hand and across the orange pumpkin. 

“Oh shit!” Danny jumped to action, wiping his hands on a towel as he rushed over to Josh, who was so stunned by his mishap that he was just staring at the shockingly grisly wound. “Wait a minute,” Danny instructed, disappearing into the kitchen for a moment. When he returned, he was standing over Josh and wrapping his hand in a clean towel. 

“Oops,” Josh said, then hissed, suddenly conscious of the deep sting from the cut. “Ouch!” What a stupid thing to do, he thought, because not only did he ruin his hand, he ruined the pumpkin.

“Jeez, Josh, this looks bad,” Danny said, holding the dish towel around Josh’s bleeding hand snugly. “Do you think you need stitches?”

Josh waved that idea away with his uninjured hand. “No, no, I’m sure it’s fine. Let me see.”

Danny sighed. “Let’s go to the bathroom. We need to clean this.” 

So Josh let his friend take the lead. He sat down on the edge of the tub while Danny grabbed yet another towel, one of the black ones with little ghosts threaded in white that he and Jake had picked out just for this season, and wet it in the sink. Danny dropped to his knees in front of him and carefully unraveled the bloody towel from his hand, winching even more than Josh did as it happened. 

“See,” Josh began when his wound was revealed–a deep, long slash down the side of his hand, extending from the bottom of his thumb to just above his wrist. “I don’t need stitches.” 

“Okay, maybe not, but this looks bad,” Danny said softly. Josh was enamored with how tender he was. Maybe in another life, Danny would have been a doctor. Josh could see that. He sighed again, dabbing with the warm, wet towel. “Do you have any hydrogen peroxide here?” 

Josh tensed. “That’ll make it hurt more.”

“Just for a second. It’ll disinfect it,” Danny assured him, then took Josh’s other hand and pressed it over the towel. “Hold that.” He swiveled on his knees to open the cabinet beneath the sink–if nothing else, this allowed Josh a nice view of Danny bent over on his knees, ass in the air while he did his best to rescue Josh from a nasty infection. “Got it,” Danny proclaimed, shuffling back with a brown bottle in one hand and a bag of cotton balls in the other. He sat there frowning for a moment before saying, “We need bandages, too. Not the small ones. I gotta wrap it in something.”

“Maybe in the drawer?” Josh suggested, realizing he knew very little about the contents of his own bathroom. 

“Aha,” Danny said victoriously, tossing the roll of gauze at Josh’s feet. He sat right in front of him, opening the hydrogen peroxide and wetting a cotton ball with it. When he looked up, Josh’s heart fluttered at how genuinely apologetic and hurt Danny looked on his behalf. “Alright, yeah, it’s gonna sting. But it’s gonna help.” He took the wet towel away from Josh’s hand and held that bloody hand in his own. “Okay?”

Josh nodded. Danny doing this made it seem less daunting–he didn’t consider himself very afraid of anything, but physical pain was something he, like most people, always wanted to avoid. Causing himself further pain wasn’t something he was ever inclined to do. But Danny was gentle and reassuring, rubbing Josh’s wrist with his thumb as he dabbed the cut with the hydrogen peroxide, and just that small, simple, sweet action diminished some of the angry stinging that came with it. Then, with a dry part of the ghost towel, Danny dabbed some more until Josh’s hand felt dry again. Next came the gauze, which he wrapped carefully and skillfully around the wound, leaving Josh patched up as best either of them could do. Well, Josh thought, he actually didn’t do anything but sit there. 

“Better?” Danny asked, sitting back, resting his hands on Josh’s knees.

Josh thought about that question for a moment. Then he lifted his bandaged hand up to Danny’s face: “A kiss would make it better.” He was confident Danny would do it, and he did, but the way it happened made Josh’s breath catch in his lungs. Danny gingerly held his wrist, held it so delicately like he was made of glass, and the press of his lips was just as gentle and soft but so full of intent. It wasn’t a quick, silly gag to appease Josh. It was an earnest, lingering, passionate little kiss, and Josh felt faint for a moment.

“Now are you better?” Danny asked, still holding Josh’s hand.

“Yes, thank you, Danny,” Josh said, cheeks burning. He was also sure he now looked very flustered and he felt even more out of sorts when Danny straightened up, moving in close, and gave him a kiss on his forehead. 

“You scared me. Maybe you shouldn’t be around knives,” Danny told him, who was still too flabbergasted to laugh at the absurdity of that. Instead, Josh tried something he’d never done before, something that did actually scare him–he brought his good hand to the side of Danny’s face and leaned forward to kiss him right on the lips. Thankfully, Danny reciprocated, humming softly into the kiss and moving in even closer, their chests touching. 

Josh was the one to pull away, giggling with nervous energy. Maybe an excuse wasn’t necessary–in fact, he was still positive it wasn’t–but he said, “I don’t think my insurance covers this, so will that help?”

Danny smiled, his own face a little flushed. “I always wanna kiss you regardless of personal injuries.”

“Really?” Josh squeaked. Was that why he’d been so quiet earlier? Did Danny think about him like that when they were alone?

“Sure do.” In a feat of strength that baffled Josh, Danny began to get up, scooping him into his arms and carrying him out of the bathroom. Josh hooked one arm around Danny’s shoulders on the journey, heart pounding at this revelation. What exactly was happening here? Then Danny set him down on the couch and placed a bag of the candy they’d been sharing earlier in his lap. He sat down next to him, staying close and, with a gesture at the bag, said, “Doctor’s orders.” 

“Whatever you say, Dr. Danny,” Josh replied, popping a Dum Dum in his mouth, though he really wanted to do something else with his mouth. He paused when Danny cuddled up against him, pulling Josh’s legs over his own and looping his arm around his waist. 

“Wanna watch a scary movie?” Danny proposed, but the look in his eyes was saying something else. Josh was sure of it. 

“No, what the fuck!” Josh exclaimed, riled up and excited now that he knew Danny was so agreeable to him. He grabbed Danny’s shirt, drawing him further in, as he tossed the bag of candy to the floor with his other hand. “For fuck’s sake–I wanna make out with you.”

Another smile, but then Danny grabbed Josh’s wrist and slowly brought his bandaged hand down. “Just be careful of that,” he said, and Josh was about to protest, but then Danny was taking the sucker from Josh’s mouth and replacing it with his lips, then a little tongue, then a little teeth. 

Josh had thought about what it would be like to kiss Danny before. He was convinced there weren’t many people who encountered his beloved drummer that hadn’t. But actually doing it exceeded all of those brief fantasies–Danny was simply a good kisser. A great kisser, with a perfect mixture of tenderness and lust, matching Josh’s pace when it was easy and slowing him down when Josh got too hard and fast with it. Josh followed the doctor’s orders and was mindful of his hand, keeping it at his side and using the other to touch all over Danny’s upper body, feeling the heat and muscle beneath the pesky t-shirt while Danny’s own explored Josh’s body in tandem.

When Danny’s hand found his bulge, his cock growing harder with each kiss, a quiet moan slipped from Josh’s lips and over Danny’s. Danny moved back just enough to look down at his own hand cupping Josh’s dick through his pants, fingers gripping his length despite the barrier. Josh looked down too, already breathing hard, and wiggled his hips in encouragement. 

Meeting his gaze, Danny asked, “Can I go down on you?”

“What?” Josh asked, flabbergasted once more. They’d gone from carving pumpkins to sucking dick, apparently. What a world. 

Danny kissed him again before he asked, using the same explicit words Josh had been thinking, “Can I suck your dick?”

After he gave the green light, Josh learned that Danny was not only a good kisser but really good at giving head–a delightful, surreal surprise. Bare from the waist down, he squirmed and whimpered while Danny’s lips wrapped around his cock and his hands squeezed his thighs, spreading his legs wide enough to sink between. He made sure to keep his injured hand resting over his head, but his other was going wild in Danny’s hair, fingers tangling in the curls, brushing over his scalp, urging him to keep doing his magic. 

“Oh wow,” Josh said, eyes widening at the sight of Danny fumbling with his own fly to get his dick out. Josh almost asked to touch it himself, but Danny swallowed hard around him and he forgot that words existed at all. Danny was rocking his hips back and forth while he licked and sucked and jerked him off; Josh lifted his leg up higher to press it between Danny’s own, and then Danny dropped his hand to quite literally begin humping Josh’s leg. 

Wet sounds emanated from Danny’s hand while he stroked him, popping off to breathe. “Shit,” he muttered, resting his cheek on Josh’s stomach. “I thought about this, too.”

Josh gasped, astounded by these dreamy confessions. His hips bucked; he pushed his leg up harder against Danny’s cock. “More, Danny, please,” he pleaded, fitfully fussing with Danny’s hair again. “Suck me off. Let me come in your mouth.”

With brightly flushed cheeks, Danny took another breath and carried on, the hand on Josh’s belly pressing down hard as he sank down. Josh groaned loudly, eyes closed while his head tilted back against the arm of the couch, so close. When his hips bucked again, Danny gagged, Josh yelped and his fingers tightened in those curls as he shot right into the back of Danny’s throat. It left him exhausted but still determined, and Danny hadn’t come yet–before he lost any more energy, he pulled Danny, who was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, up by his shirt. 

“Whoa there!” Danny wiggled as Josh yanked him to his knees beside his own face. It was a bit of a tough angle, Josh had to admit, but he just grabbed Danny’s ass to pull him forward while he wrapped his lips around him. Eyes closed while he centered his focus, Josh then felt Danny’s gentle touch on his wounded hand, bringing it down. “Careful,” his drummer warned, the word soft but the voice delivering it rough. 

Josh nodded, which made the head of Danny’s cock jump to the back of his throat. Stifling his own gag by squeezing Danny’s ass harder, Josh made good use of his mouth, trying to get Danny down as much as he could while those lovely, strong, kind hands messed around with his now equally disheveled curls. 

“Fuck yeah, that feels good,” Danny said breathlessly, ending the sentence with a surprising whine, which made Josh look up. Danny looked down at him and his lips parted like he was surprised, eyes growing bigger and brighter while he stared into Josh’s. “Oh my god, yeah, keep looking at me. So pretty, Josh, holy fuck–” If Danny was going to say anything else, it was lost in a strangled moan as he threw his head back, and Josh grunted with useless surprise as slick warmth coated his tongue.

After a few seconds, Josh freed him, flopping back onto the couch. “Woof.”

Danny did the same, lying halfway on top of the back of the couch, his lower body pressed against Josh’s. “Hell yeah, woof. Wow.” He closed his eyes and sank down further, resting his head on Josh’s stomach with apparently no intention of moving despite Josh’s dick still being out. Oh well, Josh decided, and started to idly play with Danny’s hair. 

He was snapped out of his beautiful daze when he looked over at the clock on the wall. “What time are Jake and Sam supposed to be back?”

“I don’t remember,” Danny said, sounding like he was on his way to unconsciousness. 

“We should finish the pumpkins,” Josh said, very glad they decided to do this. If he hadn’t cut his hand trying to carve his own twin into one, would Danny have ever made a move?

“You can’t, Josh. Your hand,” Danny reminded him.

Josh huffed. “I can do it. I’ll be careful.” He tapped Danny’s temple and added, “Maybe you could help me?”

“Alright, I’ll help,” Danny said, lifting himself up. Before Josh had the chance to outwardly question where all of this was going in a larger sense, Danny captured him in another hot, heartwarming kiss. 

Josh giggled when Danny broke away and just looked at him. “So–should we keep this to ourselves? It might be too scary to share with Jake and Sam.”

Danny stood and extended a hand to help Josh up before he got his jeans back up. “Nah,” he said, smirking, which made Josh smile even wider. “Let’s tell ‘em. I think they can handle it.” 

---

Tagging: @sparrowofrhiannon @clairesjointshurt @starbuggie @bizzielisteningtogreta

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You can also find my fics on AO3 (theLazarus) or wattpad (BananaJubilee)

[evieismol]

Big Bend - Chapter Six - Bonfire

Cw: cursing, discussion/mention of guns/nuclear bombs, mention of effects of radiation poisoning (non graphic)

Word count: ~2200

Previous

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.

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It felt like it had been a ridiculously long day. Or more, two days, at least on Earth. Yesterday had been my official “introduction” to the public. It had gone mostly smoothly. There'd been a few awkward questions, but John had been quick to jump in to diffuse them. That was until Joy had shown up again. I had hoped after my first run in with her that future meetings would be scarce. 

So much for that. 

Tonight, meanwhile, there was an employee bonfire. While it was hosted by the park service, invitations had extended to hospitality employees as well. 

I wonder if Zoey will be there. 

I'd only spoken to the human twice so far, and yet I had found my mind wandering back to her on more than one occasion. I wasn't entirely sure why. 

It was probably just that she was one of the few humans, aside from John, who didn't seem outwardly anxious around me from the get go, I reasoned. That was all. I pushed the thought from my mind at the same time I pushed myself up into a sitting position from my bed. It was almost six, which meant I'd have time to dinner a quick dinner before John would want to head to the bonfire at seven. 

I stood up, and set about preparing a simple pasta dish. I was almost finished with it when I heard a door softly open. I looked over my shoulder. John stood on a platform across the room, in front of a door. The door and platform were both parts of his apartment, a small - by my standards - set up that was built into the back wall of my trailer. Both had been built in Aphiria and transported here, though the inner workings of the apartment had been fine tuned by humans, given their much smaller size. 

“Hey. Just coming to see if you were going to be ready for the bonfire in a bit,” John said. 

“Yeah! I was just going to make some food-though, uh, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really hungry right now. I guess I can save it for later.” That was a lie. I looked back at the pasta wistfully. 

John hesitated for a moment before replying. “You sure?” 

I nodded quickly. “Yep.” 

I hoped he hadn't noticed my tendency to not eat around humans. Given that pretty much the last thing I wanted to do was scare them - more than I already generally was - watching them catch a glimpse of the fangs I had been trying so hard to keep out of sight, or realize that a single bite I was taking was larger than them, putting off eating was by far the preferable choice. John seemed to be unperturbed by my size, so far, but I didn't want to see just how far that extended. I didn't want to meet his gaze to see fear shining back at me. Fear of me. 

“Yep,” I repeated. Before he could protest, I set about putting the pasta in the fridge, asking about how he thought the press conference had gone while I was at it. 

“As we expected,” John replied. “You did a great job, by the way. I can see why you were recommended by Aphiria.” 

Nepotism? I thought. 

“Thanks,” I said. “I was pretty nervous.” That was both true, and probably an understatement. My heart had felt like it was racing a million miles an hour before, during, and after the press conference. 

“You didn't seem it,” John said. We chatted about how things had been going for a few more minutes, before John glanced at his watch. 

“Well, we should probably get going.” 

I lowered my hand to the table. “Ready whenever you are.” 

John climbed on it. His weight was light on my palm, a strange sensation. Especially knowing it was the weight of an entire person. I raised my hand up, feeling like I could never be quite careful enough while holding humans. 

Another action I felt like I could never be quite careful enough with was sitting down, something I was shortly reminded of when we reached the location of the bonfire. Even after checking the ground half a dozen times, I still felt a flare of panic that I would accidentally crush something - or god forbid, someone - as I sat down. Of course, that didn't happen. I settled in a more comfortable position before leaning forward to set John down. A few people had already arrived, including Gus, an older park ranger with a bushy white beard. He was the first to approach us and begin making small talk. I was thankful for that - even being the center of attention in recent days, I could shake off my perpetual feelings of awkwardness. More people slowly arrived as the sun dipped lower behind the horizon. I kept my eyes open for one person in particular, trying to ignore the growing feelings of disappointment when I didn't see her. When it was almost dark, the bonfire was lit. As I continued to talk with people - mostly about how I was adjusting to earth - I found myself scanning the small crowd for any sign of Zoey. 

Still no sign of her. 

I probably shouldn't have been expecting her to be there - while hospitality employees were invited, it wasn't mandatory. For all I knew, she was working at the moment. Or it was her day off and she wasn't even in the park. Hell, she could have been visiting family on the other side of the country. I didn't really know anything about her life, after all. 

Just when I'd pretty much resigned myself to her not coming to the bonfire, movement back by the employee dorms caught my attention. It didn't take long to recognize the four figures. Zoey, Dave, Angie, and Penelope were making their way towards the bonfire.

I had to force myself to not break into a smile. Penelope gave a big wave as she walked up. I returned the greeting, albeit less dramatically. While she walked right up to me and Annie, one of the hospitality supervisors that I had been talking to, Dave, Angie, and Zoey lingered further back. 

“Hi Easton! My mom loved the photo!” Penelope said. 

“I'm glad!” I said. My gaze wandered over to where Zoey was standing, and I once again found myself wondering why I couldn’t get the small, dark haired human off my mind. She looked over from her conversation with Angie and Dave abruptly, meeting my eyes. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, you're staring. Don't stare. It's too late. Should I smile? Would that be weird? I'm already being weird. Fuck, I'm always being weird. Is it too late to get a brain transplant? 

Yeah, I was never good at the whole cool and collected thing. 

I landed on abruptly looking down, which was thankfully, towards Penelope. She followed my gaze back to the others. 

“Oh, yeah, I don't know why they're not coming over, when we all arrived together. I mean, the point of the bonfire is basically to get to know you. Hold on. Dave! Angie! Zoey!” 

I was fairly certain of why at least one of them wasn't coming over. The tension between Dave and I had not dissipated over the shift we worked together, and he had still seemed ready to run for the hills at the drop of the hat the couple times I'd seen him since. Not that I could fault him for that - if anything, I just felt guilty. Both about the fact that my presence was scaring him to start with and that I hadn't been successful in putting him more at ease. 

Angie and Zoey, most likely, then, were just supporting their friend. 

“Really, it's fine. They look like they're busy-” I said. 

“Guys! Come say hi!” Penelope cut me off.  

The trio was already walking over. Dave trailed a few steps behind Zoey and Angie. 

I'm sorry, I thought, wishing I could somehow project my thoughts to him.  

“Y'know, Zoey used to work with a giant, but like, a smaller one,” Penelope said as the three stopped next to her. 

Is she doing this on purpose? 

No. Of course not - I mean, why would she? 

“Yeah. Um, she was a tyastron. So, like, not nearly as tall as you,” Zoey said. “But still one of the species us humans call giants. I guess that's really a matter of perspective, though, cus you're probably not giant to other Aphirials, and we're the tiny ones to you guys.” 

I let out a short laugh. “Yeah, you're right. And I'm actually pretty short on Aphiria.” 

“Ironic,” Angie mused. She paused. “You were a park ranger in Aphiria too, right? What was that like?” 

“Somehow really similar and totally different,” I said. “I was in a pretty similar role, kind of our version of an interpretive ranger. Specializing in botany. I don't think I'd really been cut out for law enforcement.” I realized I was rambling a bit, but it was pretty much impossible not too when my mind felt like it was racing a million miles an hour. One group of thoughts kept continuously showing up: 

Don't say anything stupid in front of Zoey. In fact, say the opposite of something stupid. Something interesting. And cool. 

“Why not?” Penelope asked. 

“Oh-uh, well, I'm scared of confrontations, I'm terrible at quick thinking, and I'm like 99% sure I couldn't pass the pysch eval,” I said. I had intended the last part of a self deprecating joke- specifically about struggling with anxiety and depression. It wasn't until I saw Dave shift uncomfortably that I realized that they didn't know that, and had probably heard something more like ‘I'm a building sized giant and also clinically insane’. 

Fuck. What happened to not saying anything stupid? 

As I wracked my brain for what to say, trying to find the right ones to hopefully backtrack on that, Zoey laughed. 

“Mood,” she said. “I think I'd start crying, like, day one.” 

“Oh my god, same,” Penelope said. “Plus, I'm lowkey scared of guns. Wait, does Aphiria have guns?” 

I shook my head. “We don't really need them.” 

“Well, that's a perk, at least,” Penelope said. “Ooh, do you guys have nuclear bombs?” 

I raised an eyebrow. “...nuclear bombs?” 

“Big explosion, radiation kills everything, potential doomsday war, all that?” Zoey chimed in. 

I shook my head. “I'm not sure if we have differing kinds of radiation, but the kinds we have are not particularly harmful to Aphirials. I guess a big enough bomb would be, but we mostly just use those for demolition and stuff.”

“No way? You guys are radiation proof?” Zoey asked. “That's so cool! Y'know, in fourth grade I was super scared there was going to be a nuclear apocalypse and I'd survive the initial bombing and then get radiation poisoning and all my hair would fall out. I even had nightmares about it.” 

“I used to have nightmares about falling into a bottomless pit,” I offered. “I guess I'm pretty glad radiation isn't much of any issue if it makes your hair fall out.” 

“Yeah. And your teeth. And your skin.” Penelope said. 

“Oh my god?” I internally recoiled at that description. “And you build these to use in wars here?” 

“We've only really used two,” Zoey said. “Now all the major militaries just build them so they can say they have them and threaten each other with mutually assured destruction.” 

“...huh.” I said. It felt like there was a lot to unpack there; it also felt like this probably wasn't the time to do so. 

“So you guys don't have guns. And you don't really use bombs in war - what do you use?” Penelope asked. 

I paused, considering how to answer. 

“‘War’ isn't common on Aphiria in general. At least not how it's defined on Earth - most conflicts tend to stay on a smaller scale, with the people directly involved being the ones to do anything fighting. And most fighting is done without additional weapons, because we have fangs and claws and all, so they're not really needed?” 

“Yeah, humans don't have either of those. Lame of ya'll,” Penelope said jokingly. She looked down at her hands. 

“Though I guess us vampires don't really have claws either.” She looked up at me, or more specifically, my hands. 

“I trimmed them,” I said, following her questioning gaze. “Seemed like more of a hindrance than help here.” 

“That's so cool,” Zoey said. “It's really fascinating hearing about what things are like on a different planet.” 

“It's also really cool getting to be here, on a different planet,” I said.

“John mentioned hunting was like a big thing on Aphiria, I'm guessing you guys just use claws and fangs for that too, then?” Penelope asked. I saw Dave shift, and once again hesitated before replying. I tried to pick my words carefully. 

“Aphirials who go hunting, yes. I’m a vegetarian though, so, that’s not really my thing.” 

“That’s how us vampires used to catch deer and stuff. I think most of us just buy blood nowadays though. Which is good, because I totally sucked - no pun intended - at it.” She laughed. 

“Yeah, same,” I said. That seemed to at least not make Dave more nervous, so I decided to ignore that my response was a lie. 

I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed when John interrupted just then, announcing that hot dogs were ready. Relieved, because at least I’d succeeded at not entirely terrifying Dave. Disappointed, because I’d found myself hoping I’d get to talk to Zoey more. 

Why does everything always have to be so complicated? 

[whosthere54]

Me? Writing about THE Prison Duo? In this economy? /lh

Yeah I wrote about the guys at 4:30 in the morning you should expect nothing less from me :)

Anyways if you want to read it it’s here. I feel like it’s too short for Ao3 but y’know how it is. Ignore any spelling and grammar errors I tried to fix them but like I said it’s like 5:00 in the morning so…. *Shrug*

Enjoy :)

-=+=-

Their hands shook as they placed ingredients on to the trays. They were brewing potions, not really because they needed them but more as an anxious habit of theirs. Better to be prepared than not, right? They tapped an anxious rhythm into the quartz, listening to the soft hum of the blaze rods to try not to focus on the ringing in their ears or their too uneven breathing.

They jumped slightly as their communicator buzzed in their pocket. It was late… early? They didn’t know at this point. But it was a time where they didn’t expect messages from people.

They open their communicator to find a message from Centross.

Centross

Hey, Ic. You up by any chance?

Their brows furrowed slightly. Why would he be asking for them in the middle of the night?

You

Hey, yeah. What’s up? You okay?

He’s on and off typing for a few moments, causing their wings to flare anxiously. Their tail swished sightly and and they fidgeting with their goggles that were sitting around their neck.

Centross

If you’re not doing anything, want to meet at the Tree?

You

Coming. You okay?

They don’t get a response this time. They sigh, running their trembling hands through their hair a moment to steady themself. Their potions could wait. They took off from their potion area, landing at the tree in a small spin. They hear the sound of Fireworks, and Centross lands (not as gracefully) next to them.

He looked rough to say the least. He looked exhausted, dark bags noticeable under his eyes and his hair was disheveled. He gave them a weak smile.

“Hey, you okay?” They ask again.

“I’m fine.”

Well that’s a lie.

They sigh, and gesture for him to follow them. They walk out of the little grove out into the Forrest. There’s no destination in particular, and they walk in silence for most of the time.

“… wanna talk about it?” They ask gently. They don’t want to push if it’s something he doesn’t want to talk about. He just sighs and nods.

“Okay. I’m here to listen.”

He rants to them as they walk, mentioning nightmares, and the souls. They just listen quietly, giving input when necessary and nodding to show they were paying attention. He sighs, and they sit in silence for a moment before Icarus stops walking. He stops behind them a confused look on his face as Icarus turns back towards him.

“Do you… want a hug?” They offer softly.

He paused for a moment, but nods.

“Yeah… yeah that would be nice…”

They move forward to pull him into a hug, running light fingers through their friends hair. It was nice. Centross relaxed slightly, his head resting against the crook of their neck and arms wrapped tightly around their waist. Their wings move to wrap around him as well, acting like a sort of blanket or shield for the man. Their tail resting lightly against his legs.

They felt him smile at the action, his hand tracing light shapes where it rested between their wings. They stand in silence for a while, just staying like that. They listened to the trees, the wind whistling through the leaves, the animals that passes through the Forrest hidden around them, the vauge sound of water from a river a bit away.

He backs away after a while, a soft half smile on his face.

“Thank you.”

They smile back. “Course. I’ll always be here, whenever you want me. I’ll always listen.”

He hums lightly, nodding. They stand in a comfortable silence for a bit before he speaks again.

“That goes back to you too y’know. I’m always here.” He murmured softly, crossing his arms lightly over his chest.

Their smile falters slightly a moment, but their expression was returned just as quickly as it had fell. They nod. His brows furrowed slightly at the action, but he brushed it off.

“Wanna keep walking? Maybe a distraction? We can build or farm or whatever you need. If you want help with something around your house…?” They offer. He shakes his head with a smile.

“Nah, we should head home. You need to sleep too, friend.” They weakly nod, knowing they wouldn’t be getting much of that anyways. They walk back to the tree, talking about anything and nothing, the light banter that they could always have. They reach the tree, and they turn to face Centross again.

“Alright, go on and head back to your boyfriend asshole.” They say, lightly hitting the man.

“Get some sleep dumbass.” He smiles, nudging them back. “I’ll see you tomorrow, friend.” He turns and sets off a firework as he flies back home.

They sigh, face falling just slightly as they watch him fly away. “Bye Centross.”

-=+=-

[imjustasimpxd]

All Actions Have Consequences | Chapter Three

➬ Kento Nanami x Fem reader

| Series Masterlist | Chapter four | General Masterlist | Blog Home |

Pairing : Mafia Kento Nanami x fem reader

Summary : They say evil actions can be done with good intentions, this is especially true for Kento Nanami. Growing up, he was taught to always remain honest, respectful, and hard working. For the most part he was, that is, until being fired from his job forced him into a financial chokehold. Desperate to figure out a way to provide for his wife, Nanami crosses paths with the leader of his country’s biggest underground mafia empire, deciding to secretly work under them in order to make ends meet. We know desperate times call for desperate measures, but how long can Nanami hide this vile profession from his wife before it comes back to bite him?

Word count : Almost 4,000 words

Warnings : slight kissing and affection, Nanami is anxious and nervous, mentions of “verbally abusive behavior”,

Author’s notes : reblogs are appreciated!! I appreciate all feedback on my writing so that I can know what you guys liked and what you think I should improve on😊

Disclaimer : this is a work of fiction and should in no way, shape, or form, be taken seriously.

Side Note : this fic, and everything else I’ve written on my blog, is mine and only mine. I work very hard on everything I write so do not, under any circumstances, modify, copy, or steal my work.

Nanami had one hand on the wheel while his other was kept intertwined with yours, fingers rubbing back and forth in a gentle manner across your skin. His touch was so tender, so loving and patient: a complete contrast to the way he was feeling on the inside.

Although he was clearly trying his best to deliver a calming and peaceful atmosphere through his actions, there was still an undeniably heavy sense of tension looming around the two of you.

The radio loudly played an upbeat melody that could be heard from all corners of the vehicle, however, the car ride over to your parent’s house still felt silent all the same.

Nanami’s muscles were tense as his hand gripped around yours, his face adorned a slight scowl, and even his voice when he did speak up felt hesitant and quiet.

Despite the unconvincing “I’m just tired from work” he had given earlier when you asked why he seemed so uptight, you still knew something was troubling him. You resisted the urge to ask him again because you knew what kind of answer you’d get, but regardless, it didn’t change the fact that you could practically feel the conflict brewing inside him.

You didn’t have to be a detective to know why he was acting this way, you were all too familiar with the anxiety your husband displayed whenever it came time to see your father in person. There was an ever-present sense of dread that seemed to settle around him whenever meetings between the two men took place.

A wave of guilt festered inside your stomach as you gazed at your husband’s nervous expression, noticing the subtle tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel beginning to pick up its pace.

It pained you to make him go when you understood how much he was dreading it, however, it pained you even more to continue to watch your own husband and father not get along.

Sure it wasn’t as big of a deal right now since you hardly saw your parents, but what about holidays? What about family gatherings? Were you supposed to just exclude your own husband from those meaningful events to avoid any conflict arising?

What about when you had kids? How could you bear letting your children see the way their grandfather would treat their own father? Would your Dad even love your children the same knowing that they were just as much a part of Nanami as they were of you? What if one of the kids looked like Nanami? What would happen then? Surely your father wouldn’t verbally abuse his own grandchild the way he did his own son-in-law.

There were so many questions, so many uncertainties arising because of the conflict between two of the most important men in your life. This marriage wasn’t just the bonding of two people, it was the bonding of two families as well, and if either of those families wanted to live in peace together then they’d have to find a way to get along.

None of this would fix itself, and frankly, none of this pain and frustration was going to disappear either unless you did something about it. So, no matter what it took, in order to create a better future for everyone involved in this unity, you promised yourself you’d work your hardest to get your father to see Kento Nanami the way you did: As the selfless and kind man he truly was.

You didn’t know exactly what it was about your husband that seemed to always set your father’s teeth on edge, but regardless, you’d stand by Kento’s side and defend him against anything your father could throw at him. Because Nanami wasn’t just some random guy you used to have a class with during college: No, he was the first man you ever truly felt valued with.

Of course, there had been other men in your life before your husband came along, even one you almost married. And it’s not like any of those men were bad people, one in particular you had known since you were a young girl, and even back then he had always been tremendously kind and sweet towards you. But regardless, it didn’t change the fact that they all, including him, had been arranged by your father to be your potential husband.

No matter what meaningful gestures they would commit, or whatever affectionate words that would slip past their mouths: none of it could convince you of their feelings. It may have come off as hard to please now that you thought about it, but honestly, with the temptation of a mountain of wealth only accessible by your hand in marriage, who wouldn’t blame you for being skeptical of every man your father pushed towards you; no matter how loving they truly were.

It was a dreadful way to live: never knowing if a man’s affection was given based on his actual love for you, or for his selfish desire to gain your money and position by marrying you.

That’s why you turned down every suitor your father sent your way no matter how upset it made him, and that’s exactly why you married Kento Nanami instead.

Because Kento Nanami was the first man who showed genuine affection towards you without knowing anything about your wealth and social status.

In fear of the same uncertainty arising with any other man, you had kept your family’s identity a secret from everyone when you attended that college; so Nanami was never even aware you had a sky-high inheritance lingering around you.

However, even when you finally did confess your background to him, Kento Nanami never once become greedy because of it, nor did he ever give up on pursuing you despite your father threatening to take away any money he’d get if you married him.

Whether it was something as simple as his gentle gaze when it remained on you, or something as monumental as when he blatantly declared that he would willingly work multiple jobs just to provide for you: either way, in your heart, Kento Nanami had proved that he undoubtedly loved you for you, and you only.

You had heard every compliment known to man, received every bit of “special treatment” a man dating you should give, but none of it felt special until it came from Nanami. The words “you look beautiful” had been spoken to you millions of times already, but it only ever had you blushing when it was said by Nanami.

Because with him it felt real, it felt genuine.

“Is this just an act?” “Does he really love me like he says?”

Those words had anxiously rummaged around inside your brain with every man you had been with; every single one except the man who now sat next to you, the same one whose hand was clasped around yours as he pressed the brake pedal in response to the red light straight ahead.

“Does he really love me like he says he does?”

You never had to ask yourself that question when it came to Nanami; he had already assured you of that answer millions of times through his actions alone; and he would continue to do so for as long as life would allow him.

That’s why, no matter how hard it was to feel separated from your family, or how painful it was to hear “you deserve better” from the people you were close to: you wouldn’t yield in your fight to defend your husband.

He was hated not just by your family, but by your friends as well, and anyone else who cared for you: because all they ever saw him for was a greedy little gold-digger.

However, you prayed that would change tonight, and you were already starting to feel the slightest bit hopeful about that possibility since your father had willingly invited you and your husband over for dinner.

Maybe this was a turning point?

Maybe… things would finally change… for the better…

The car quickly came to a stop in the circular drive of your parent’s house, its headlights illuminating one of the most achingly beautiful houses Kento Nanami had ever seen.

He had been to your parent’s mansion several times, and even now he couldn’t deny its breathtaking structure and design. The exterior was draped with dozens of stone columns and a couple of large balconies; the fountain that stood in the middle of the yard was flowing at a rapid pace. Even the panels lining the windows and doors looked as if they cost more than Nanami’s paycheck. Everything about the house itself was beyond mesmerizing, but it wasn’t exactly the same case with the people who lived inside.

A shuddering breath escaped Nanami’s lips as he turned off the car, his hand anxiously reaching to grasp the handle so he could get out. However, before he could, your voice suddenly filled the air, stopping him in his place before he could open the door.

“Ken?”

His head quickly whipped around to look you in the eyes. “Yeah?” He questioned, curious to know what you were needing.

“You don’t have to be nervous about the dinner, okay?” You spoke frankly, watching Kento’s eyes widen, his face soon rotating away from you in a sheepish manner once you began exposing the thoughts he was hoping to keep concealed.

“I don’t- I don’t know what you’re-t-talking…” Your husband quickly scrambled to deny your veracious assumptions, his words stuttering past his lips as he attempted to convince you otherwise. But no matter how hard he could try, you’d never fall for it, and deep down, a small part of him knew it too.

“Ken?” You spoke in order to get his attention, placing your hand reassuringly on his shoulder subsequently. “You don’t have to worry about tonight, I’ll be there the entire time, okay?” Your fingers softly caressed his back, watching as his head turned towards you once again, his heart softening instantly once he met your gentle gaze.

“I know.” He spoke with a hushed sigh, his hand reaching to hold the one you had placed atop his shoulder. “I just don’t really feel like being belittled tonight.”

You felt your heart sink at the way your husband’s expressions lowered, the color seeming to drain from his face as he sat there, contemplating all the things that could go wrong once he stepped foot inside that beautiful mansion.

It was painful to have to witness, but in the end, you knew this would all be worth it if the relationship between your husband and your father improved.

“I know honey,” You agreed with him, lifting your free hand to swipe away the few strands of blonde hair hanging across his forehead. “But hey,” you continued, “if at any point you feel uncomfortable, then just tell me and we’ll leave, alright?”

A gentle smile stretched across your face as you spoke, followed by one last sentence your husband didn’t realize he needed to hear before now.

“We’re a team Kento, and I don’t plan on switching sides anytime soon.”

Nanami’s subtle scowl immediately softened at your words, his heartbeat slowing momentarily as he stared at you, wondering how he ever got so lucky.

Even after marrying him made you lose your livelihood, and caused a separation between you and your family, here you still were, willing to defend him at a moment’s notice if it were necessary.

“Thank you sweetheart.” Nanami leaned forward to place an affectionate kiss on your forehead, his words soft and warm as he mumbled them against your skin.

“You’re welcome.” You answered, a gentle giggle suddenly tickling at your throat when your husband’s lips began to linger on your face, trailing down to plant a couple more kisses on your cheeks and the tip of your nose; then continuing as his lips started to journey down towards your neck.

“Ken! Stop, we need to go inside!” Your hands moved to find his chest, using it to push yourself away with another bubbly giggle.

“Don’t worry love, they won’t care if we’re a little late.” He teased, allowing a bold smirk to line his lips as he started leaning back over the center console, hoping to finish his work.

“Mr. Nanami! Don’t say things like that outside my parent’s house!” Your hands lifted to cover your face as you felt a familiar warmth painting across your cheeks. You were blushing hard, embarrassingly hard; almost as if this was your first time ever being kissed by him, or in general.

“Hmm, looks like someone’s a little shy tonight.” He shook his head playfully at your behavior, chuckling to himself as he watched the way you blindly swatted him away. “Guess you want me to wait till later then, huh?” He added, immediately earning a flustered “Yes, please wait!” as you continued to cover your face, still hopelessly failing to hide the crimson shading traveling across your cheeks.

“Fine,” He pulled away, a soft whine lacing with his tone as he spoke. “But I’m continuing where I left off when we get home.”

Your eyes peeked from behind your hands, finally placing them down at your sides again when you saw him reach for his door handle. Once he stepped outside the vehicle, Nanami’s body then made its way around the front of the car to stop at your side, grasping the handle to pull your door open and offering a hand to help you out.

As your hand laced with his, using it to step out of the car, Nanami glanced behind him, eyes looming over the beautiful mansion he had been dreading the entire car ride over. His breath became staggered once more as he stared that luxurious house down, his brain already preparing itself for the argument-filled evening he figured was coming his way.

It would’ve been an understatement to say that Nanami was not looking forward to hearing your father’s insults tonight. However, an even bigger understatement was to say that Nanami was quite shocked when he was greeted with a warm smile as your father opened the front doors to the mansion.

“Well look who it is. I’m glad you two made it!”

The both of you stood frozen in place, eyes widening in disbelief at the sight before you. There your father was, smiling ear to ear as held the door open for the both of you, his appearance suggesting he was actually happy to see you two.

Nanami quickly glanced down at you in search of answers, hoping maybe you knew what was going on. However, when he inspected your face, he saw a perplexed expression that matched the one spread across his own features; telling him you were just as confused as he was when it came to the sudden shift in your father’s behavior.

“Please, make yourselves at home.” He grinned, motioning for the both of you to step inside.

Make yourselves at home? Nanami had never been welcomed in this home, at least not by your father. So to stand there, and watch the same man who used to curse Kento’s very existence, now act friendly and welcoming towards him, as if the two men were old friends, was truly a sight to behold.

“It’s good to see you dad.” You quickly broke the silence by stepping inside, lacing an arm around your father’s back to give him a gentle hug.

“It’s good to see you too darling.” He responded, his arms wrapping around you as well to return the hug. Your father’s eyes then glanced up at your husband who had just finished walking through the doorway, his lips parting to surprisingly acknowledge the man. “And Kento, my dear boy, it’s good to see you.”

Your husband almost fainted right then and there. This had to be a dream, right? Because there’s no way he was hearing this right now. Maybe there was another man named Kento coming up behind him and that’s who your father was speaking to. That had to be it! Because there was no other explanation that made sense.

However, as your husband subtly looked over his shoulder, he found no one: meaning those words really were directed towards him.

“Oh um,” Namami quickly cleared his throat as he turned back around, “-it’s good to see you too sir.” He stuttered, still feeling awkward and overwhelmed by the whole thing.

After shaking the hand that was held out to him, your father then went on to spell out the itinerary for the rest of the night. “I have to go help your mother real quick, but there’s a bunch of people here to see you two, so please enjoy yourselves. Dinner will be ready in just a little bit.” His smile was wide and bright, his hand lifting in the air to send a friendly wave to the both of you before he walked off, leaving you and your husband silently standing by the front entryway; minds still overflowing with confusion.

“What was that?” You felt your husband’s gentle voice whisper near your ear as he joined you at your side, his arm lacing around your waist in the process.

“I don’t know,” you glanced up at him. “But he did say he wanted to make amends. Maybe that’s what he’s doing?”

Nanami doubted that immensely. He was fully aware that people could change with time, however, even given the amount of time it’s been since their last interaction, he still found it awfully suspicious that your father’s attitude could have changed this much by now.

“Just try to give him a chance okay?”

That was the very last thing your husband wanted to do, although, as he looked down at you, taking in that hopeful expression you were wearing, he knew exactly what you were thinking. You weren’t as skeptical as he was when it came to your father’s recent show of behavior. In fact, the whole thing seemed to bring you some reassurance that tonight might actually turn out the way you’d been praying for. Even though Nanami wasn’t convinced, he didn’t want to demolish that optimism you were clinging to, so he knew he’d have to cooperate.

“Okay, I will.” He forced a smile, retracting his hand from your waist and moving it downwards to entangle your fingers with his.

You flashed him a thankful grin, allowing your head to lean against his arm before your lips separated to speak once more. “I wonder though,” You began, eyes squinting to investigate the rest of the mansion from where you stood near the front door. “Dad said there were people here to see us. But I thought this was just a dinner between the four of us?”

Come to think of it, Nanami did recall your father saying that. I guess his words just hadn’t even registered yet due to the shock you both were in at the surprisingly friendly atmosphere you were greeted with earlier.

Still, now that he thought it over, that might be playing a part in your father’s behavior. With the presence of other people around he would be forced to behave, lest he wanted to risk receiving a bad reputation.

Not that it would probably even affect him that much if he was talked about as being “demeaning” and “harsh.” With full control of one of the largest food companies in the entire country, the man didn’t exactly have to worry about losing his position over something as minimal as being “bad mannered.”

But regardless, rumors and gossip is annoying to have to deal with, so the existence of people other than his family could prove reason enough to be acting as friendly and kind as your father was behaving.

“Maybe he just-” Nanami had begun to speak, however, his words were quickly jerked to a halt when the thunderous sound of a man’s voice suddenly called out your name.

“Hey, Y/n!!”

Both Kento’s head, as well as yours, jerked upwards in unison, eager to identify the voice that had interrupted your private chat.

A quiet gasp immediately escaped your husband’s lips once he caught sight of the voice, instantly recognizing him as the tall and arrogant individual he had always hoped to avoid: Satoru Gojo.

“How are you?! It’s been so long!”

Nanami watched as the bothersome scene took place right before his very eyes. Your hand suddenly released the grip it had around your husband’s fingers and immediately your arms stretched in the air for when the white-haired man would quickly engulf you in a tight hug; his hands seeming to instinctively slick themselves around your waist in a manner that made Nanami’s eyes twitch in annoyance.

The two had never met, but Kento had heard enough stories from you to realize who this man was: the one you practically grew up with due to the fact that your family’s companies were in partnership with each other.

Your husband was fully aware that the two of you were apparently very close to each other, however, he never realized exactly how close until he heard you open your mouth to speak to the man.

“Toru! I didn’t know you were back from America yet. Why didn’t you tell me?” Your face lit up with excitement, a gentle smile adorning your lips as you gazed towards the man’s mesmerizingly cerulean eyes.

Wait “Toru?” So you had a nickname for him too? How long has that been in use?

“I just got back a couple of days ago,” Gojo responded, only just now releasing the grip his arms had previously captivated you in. “I was going to tell you, but your father invited me over so I figured I’d surprise you when you got here instead.” A wide grin spread across the man’s face as he kindly glanced down at you, his eyes looming with a sense of familiarity that made your husband’s hands irritably tighten into fists.

“Well, you certainly did.” You laughed playfully, witnessing the way Gojo’s eyes peered behind you to glance at your husband, the one you left awkwardly standing near the front door.

“And you must be the handsome Kento I’ve heard so much about,” Gojo made his way over to Nanami, holding his hand out in order to formally greet him for the first time.

Your husband did his best to hide the scowl manifesting across his face since he knew you were looking, but gosh it was hard when this man was already getting on Nanami’s last nerve.

What’s with that smirk plastered across his face? Was he mocking him? What about the handshake, what was that supposed to mean? Was he trying to be rude? Or had the man just been in America too long that he was just used to that by now?

It had only been a couple of minutes since meeting him, even less time actually interacting with him, but even so, Satoru Gojo was proving himself to be a pain in the rear; well, to Nanami at least.

Still, as much as Nanami wished he could grab your hand and yank you both out that front door, he knew there was no way out of this: meaning he’d have to actually acknowledge the white-haired man he always dreaded having to meet. So, after a quick clear of his throat, your husband finally obliged and stuck his hand out, uttering a simple sentence in the process.

“Just call me Mr. Nanami please.”

If you want to see what the mansion in this episode looks like then click here🤗

✴️HELLO GUYS, I apologize for being so inactive lately! I’ve just been EXTREMELY BUSY. School has been honestly so mentally draining right now, to the point where I wasn’t even getting much sleep. So because of this, I was way too stressed out to even be able to write anything. However, while it’s still difficult, I’m doing better now, and was able to FINALLY come out with chapter three of this series! SO PLEASE ENJOY!✴️

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[zzencat]

Thank you for your effort 🙏 please take care of yourself.

Before I ask my tarot related question , I have another question. I'm an INTP too. As a very rational person, how do approach intuition & channeling?

my tarot related question: how I would know he is my FS? How would I recognise them ?

[ You can tell if anything explicit comes up, I'm a full grown adult]

these are good questions AB! a fellow intp yeaaaaa!!! but i do have to warn you to get ready for some reading:

advice on intuition + channeling

AB!! you’re basically already done with what you need to do! you’ve there’s not much to do anymore- it’s really all in your hands now! cards are saying you can literally start whenever you want! it’s normal to be anxious about it or overthink it. walk into it and be ready to learn. the answer is right in front of you :)

make sure to rest yourself and your mind. be aware of your surroundings and take them in as they are, at its core—at its most fundamental properties. also, if you do some meditation, great! if you don’t, this could help quiet your mind and boost your awareness for better receiving of messages. also when it comes to channeling messages. usually whatever comes to mind is your channeled message, and even more so if you can’t keep your mind off of it. even if it doesn’t make sense, let it come through.

now intuition, is all about trusting your gut. it’s the feeling that you get first off the bat, for example, when you feel something is off. it can be all over the place and then you lose your sense of trust in it, but the key is to trust it. that feeling that’s just lingering and warning you. how can you distinguish between your intuition and a talkative mind? find a quiet space, close your eyes, breathe, and enter into a state of total calmness (the environment is customized to your own liking but it should bring you to peace and a “mental middle ground”, a place that completely calms your anxiety. rmr to keep breathing also!! 😅) doing this brings you back to rational thinking, an open and accepting mind, free from biased thinking. once youre calm, you should be able to decipher what your intuition is trying to tell you, even if it takes a bit. your intuition can freak out a bit but it bounces back. also!! intps like us already do cartwheels of abstract thinking throughout the day, and intuition works well with the abstract world and theories, so you should be ok from here!

also whatever stagnancy you may have faced before deciding to take this on was a period of preparation—a spiritual shift of some sort. so yeah! just…onwards! you’re more ready than you think- the ball’s waiting in your court.

future spouse dynamics, characteristics, + some sexual stuff

your future spouse is probably not aligned with his higher self’s emotions. the cards suggest he seems to have dealt with trauma, possibly from family, probably due to high expectations and low emotional support. they seem to be joyful and prosperous, but he deals with a broken heart and is often sad or deal with depressive symptoms. this person is more action oriented, but might be timid in sharing thoughts, ideas, or the next step due to doubt. he could use some work on his intuition. i don’t think he’s the best at expressing himself verbally so your energies could be imbalanced there. they’re rebellious and probably have the tendency to be impulsive, retract again, and then come out when comfortable again. the cycle repeats. this person gets confident and then unconfident. up and down moods and cycles. the job they’re in now or at the time of your relationship will earn plenty, but he needs to watch where those spendings go and how he conducts work. he’ll need to work out a lot of mental and emotional issues before and during your relationship (bro needs to seek out therapy for example), or this could lead him down a not-so-great financial path or huge losses materially. he might spend a lot on you as well, probably to overcompensate, bc what he’s learned growing up is money = love. there will be many times where he acts cold. there’s a huge chance that your relationship with him will help him improve and see things differently. instead of being indecisive, he’ll be more confident with his direction in life and what he wants to pursue. i also recommend slowing down and building the relationship off properly, not rushing. it would also help to open him up slowly and have frequent understanding and conversations. this dude is kind of a tough nut to crack (major understatement).

for sexual messages, you have to soothe this guy into having sex. this dude isn’t so great at love and seems pretty lethargic so you’ll have to coax it out. this could mean make-up sex or sex after having a discussion or argument. after you’ve resolved things, that would be an ideal moment to have sex and make it up to each other. there’s such a huge imbalance of energies, trying to get one or the other to do something that would be beneficial to their health and wellbeing, but the other is being so stubborn about it for no reason. i think a lot of your fights or misunderstandings are around behavioral issues, and not on your side, AB, but more on his. the dude could use some vitamin D too so some sex under the sun would be nice, some sun shining through the window. your balance and fairness turns him on a fair amount- also your hair too. the dude craves comfort. that’s what gets him the most. maybe some food and drinks as well, but incorporated a bit later!

thank you for waiting and for sending your ask in!! best of luck 😸👍

[eviltothecore13]

Why do so many people think Wesker was conditioned/brainwashed into feeling anxious whenever Spencer wasn't around?

Even if we just look at the English and not the imo clearer Japanese version, it says almost the exact opposite of that. Spencer's existence, Spencer's presence, was the source of the concern (note: the Japanese word for "anxiety" used refers to feeling anxious or worried about something, and is NOT the same as the word used for a clinical anxiety disorder. People who do not have anxiety disorders can feel worried about things. It is not stated anywhere in canon that Wesker has an anxiety disorder and neither does he display symptoms of such onscreen) that Wesker felt. Not the *lack* of his presence. He was worried because he knew Spencer was still out there and still hiding secrets from him, he's not a lost puppy with separation anxiety.

Wesker sought out Spencer looking for answers to the unanswered questions (about Umbrella, and Spencer's plans--there is no indication anywhere that Wesker knew Spencer had anything to do with his own childhood and in fact it appears that he was completely taken by surprise at the idea) that had been worrying him. The other kids were similarly manipulated into wanting to seek Spencer out--the details of this are unclear but given that in the Japanese version in particular, words like "concern" but also "interest", "curiosity", etc were present (saying that e.g. "Wesker was only curious about/interested in/concerned with Spencer because he had been made to be so") it suggests that they were also manipulated into seeking out *answers*, not just feeling constantly anxious whenever he isn't around (which they were never shown or stated to feel). Especially since it's also stated that once Wesker HAS those answers, Spencer has no more value to him and no more ability to manipulate him.

(Also a side note about the word "programmed" used in the English translation: I'm not saying it's wrong, but I do think it's put some inaccurate images in some people's heads. People picture someone strapped to an operating table with a device over their head that zaps their brain. That kind of sci-fi brainwashing doesn't work in real life, and hasn't really been shown working quite like that in RE--there's P30, and there's the technology used to make Carla believe she is Ada, but those are both stated to be recent inventions and also are only partly effective and don't work quite like the typical image of the trope. I REALLY don't think the RE universe had that kind of tech in the 60s and I don't like to introduce these sci-fi brainwashing tropes to any universe where they're not shown onscreen to be true, mostly because I think the whole trope should be thrown into the sun. But also because I think more realistic and subtle manipulation to make characters do certain things is more interesting both to write and to read. The phrasing used in the Japanese file could easily be translated as "he was made to do [X]", "he was influenced", manipulated, etc. Now, I don't actually think the English translator was necessarily TRYING to give a sci-fi brainwashing impression, because lots of media uses the word "programmed" to refer to the actions of real-life manipulative groups that of course use mundane methods of manipulation and NOT brain-zapping devices. But since 2009 a lot of media like the Winter Soldier etc has come out that put sci-fi brainwashing more at the forefront of people's minds and now that's the kind of assumption a lot of people have made. It's not actually explicit canon and unless it becomes explicit canon I'll assume it's NOT what went on because it's a trope that I really hate and introducing it to the 1960s would also just completely fuck up the whole timeline of what was invented when in the RE universe. If it IS made explicit canon at some point...idk I'll probably delete all my fics and WIPs and leave the fandom.)

[aliasrocket]

Two things, one Rocket is a stranger in his body. Two, any advice for writing? I struggle with descriptions and describing dialogue and I overthink it because it sounds dumb. So any advice? 🥺

Yes. Rocket definitely feels a dissociation between himself and his body. I can understand how that feels to a certain extent.

As for advice for writing, I feel honored that you came to me for help! I hope my ‘guide’ will help you!

Advice for descriptions and describing dialogue!

Actively do the things you’re trying to describe.

This is especially useful for beginners because once you get into the groove of writing your imagination gets stretched over time to the point that you know what you want from a scene but anyway, what I mean by this is if let’s say there’s a character that struggles with their body image and they have a closet with a mirror, instead of just saying “he walked over to the closet and saw his reflection. He hated it.” You can try to go over to your closet and pretend you’re looking into a mirror.

This will get your brain to start thinking about how it would feel to look into a mirror and hate what you see. You’ll also get to see stuff that you do by instinct so your writing comes out much more humane, if that makes sense? For example, maybe you touch the mirror out of pure instinct. You could write the character doing that and it would give more life to your fic because it’s something we would all probably do.

Show, not tell.

This one is basic english writing 101 but this quote has saved my writing. Let me give you an example.

She turned around in the middle of the argument. She exhaled and inhaled, the situation getting her anxious and her palms sweaty.

This is good! But “the situation getting her anxious” is telling the reader that she was anxious, instead of showing the reader. So whenever you write, there should always be a lot of questions in your head, like what happens when someone gets anxious? Both in their head, and to their body? Once you get this instinct, you’ll be able to come up with stuff like this.

she turned around in the middle of the argument, and she felt her head swing around with her. Her hands were tossed above her head, her sweaty palms cooling to the ventilation above as she exhaled. She swayed left to right, almost like she was trying to cradle the heart that was pounding against her ribcage.

I mean I’ve been writing fanfic for years so take it one step at a time. I recognize this instinct isn’t easily acquired so just try to remember if you want the reader to feel what the character is feeling in that scene and you aren’t able to feel yourself filling the character’s shoes in that moment, then maybe you’re ‘telling’ more than ‘showing.’

It’s okay to use ‘said.’ Dialogue is simple most of the time.

I cannot stress this enough. Teachers in school always say ‘said’ is such a bad word for a dialogue tag because it does nothing to describe the way someone says something but sometimes, people just say things. It took me years to accept this face.

But obviously if it’s a really emotional scene and someone is begging someone to stay, then ‘said’ would be horrible. But if two people are just talking, especially if it’s a calm setting, they’re more likely to just say something more than anything else.

Now let’s say you do need to describe the way someone says something. Dialogue is one of the simpler things to describe in writing, it’s just a dialogue tag and that’s it, really. Everything else you use to describe the way someone says something just goes back to the two points I mentioned above, because their actions play a huge part in the dialogue too.

Now if you’re struggling to find more complex dialogue tags, besides Thesaurus.com, I also like to use these websites :

This is also good for any other simple word you’d like to replace with a more complex word, too.

This is more suited for dialogue tags and has saved my writing multiple times.

I hope this was helpful!

[darkwingsnark]

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, especially late at night when I’m in pain. I hope you have been able to find people who can make you happy. More enjoyment out of the things you create. Your work always mattered to me, just as much as your well being did. You are talented, even if your anger and pain told you otherwise. And I wish you had felt more comfortable to believe me when I told you I wanted good things for you. To be someone who could help you see others as your equal and not you competitively clawing upward. You must have been so tired; who wouldn’t be angry at the world when things you craved came seemingly effortless for others? To you it was a constant struggle, that it became hard to see others suffering too.

I had wished you saw my struggles more. You may have been right when you said I didn’t lean on others enough. I want you to know I took that to heart.

I was also never the one who called it in. I had searched for info though, I probably would have still done so if I knew enough. Anything to prevent you from hurting yourself. I worried so much for you it sent me to the hospital.

I know you tell people hurtful things about me because on some level it’s easier to convince yourself I was the perpetrator of some scheme. Just know I tried to listen and say anything I could to help. Or at least, my own interpretation of helping. I wished you had explained things to me if I said things that overlooked your actual meaning. When I said I think you should have a break, that your art and stories would be there for you whenever you were ready to return, it was because I wanted you to do what you could to feel better. It was never to push you out of the space. I wanted you to thrive so much, have the confidence to share your creativity with the world.

It’s almost a new year, what are you thinking about? Right now as you’re reading this it might be that you got me on an ‘aha’ moment. I promised I would never vague blog about you. I’m sorry for breaking that promise. It’s 4 am and I am weak after a week of not sleeping right. You’ve been on my mind on and off lately. I think you know why.

Sometimes I want to be angry at you. I had stopped talking to you because I had felt so hurt when I heard you were merely putting up with me. That I was a source of annoyance and pain for you. It felt like a blow after I kept asking for you to tell me if anything I did upset you. I wanted to spend time with you, and at every turn it felt like it wasn’t enough for you. That somehow my efforts were being purposefully misinterpreted. I dislike having words put in my mouth. It happens enough at home as it is.

So I left, not saying a word. Others said things, but they were never a reflection of my own.Their own anger and frustration, but not mine. Because I could no longer speak to you without fear of being misinterpreted. I didn’t feel heard. So since I promised all those years ago I would never vague blog because I didn’t want you to think something was secretly about you, I relatively said nothing.

I only ever made two posts about you: this one and the poem. I wonder what you thought when you first saw it. ‘Yet again Snark making herself look like a good person and only caring about her image’. I can see why you would think that. Especially after considering your thoughts on my actions in general by that point. I sometimes wonder if even now you come out to write those terrible messages to me and to others about me because it’s the only way you can cope. In some ways it must be easier to lash out than deal with your pain. You’ve dealt with so much: by others, life, and your own hands.

I meant what I said then. I get hurt when you lash out, but I never hated you. Life would be easier if I could, honestly. I get anxious, sure, but I’m mostly hurt more by the fact you’re trying to hurt me. The intent scares me, truth be told. But I never want bad things to happen to you. And I hope in the end you can be in a better place mentally so you can keep friends for long term. The world is already such a terrifying place to have to navigate life alone. Nobody pushed you out of being a part of fandom but your own fears of inadequacy. I wished I could have convinced you that you didn’t need to feel popular to feel loved. I saw so much of my own pain in you, especially when you told me how your mother treated you. Perhaps unfair of me to take my own grief and transplant it onto your own experiences, but when you talked I felt the pangs of your suffering. When you shared movies you cared for that I had never seen, I considered it getting to see another reflection of who you were. I had so much fun with you during those times. Or the times you shared your stories about your character with me. It just took me far too long to realize I wasn’t making you happy by doing the same.

I was going to jokingly wish for a hat as my new years resolution, this year I think I’ll wish for something different. Know that on new years I’ll be thinking about you, toasting Time and wishing for this year to be better for you. For things to be easier.

And that this will be the year you’re kinder to yourself.

[mitsua]

Say that you love me

Warnings: mentions of feeling useless, reader gaslighting themselves

Genre: angst to reverse comfort Pairing: Izuku Midoriya × GN! Y/N

Series: Boku No Hero Academia Words' count: 0.9k

Even if anyone told you they loved you wouldn't believe them anyways—but there was something deeper in you that told you that if that person—that if Izuku Midoriya told you he loved you, you would finally be able to rest. Stay in peace.

Just like how you felt anytime you were with him. You felt at ease with him, he was easy to speak with, kind, a good listener and a good talker too.

He showed you that he cared for you. But with that, you could see he cared about everyone as well.

Even if it was one of the traits that you so admired about him, you couldn't help but think you didn't hold an important part on his life as he did on yours.

So you kept pushing those thoughts aside, being kind in return and caring so much for him, maybe a bit more than you should have.

Because you only got in return a smile. Whenever you gifted him something, whenever you finished telling him your advice about his problems—he could only muster as smile.

Which you grew to love at one point, but seeing it after you saw one day how he quickly faked one one time he was ranting to you about his latest difficulty in a public area—with tears welling up in his eyes—and someone stumbled upon you two, you couldn't help but notice he'd do the same gesture to you too many times before.

Making you doubt if he ever flashed you a real smile.

You knew you had no right to judge him for it, because you really couldn't, you even gaslighted yourself into believing that you were fine even if it was a fake smile what he gave you.

But you'd grown tired, and maybe he did as well, so with a heavy heart you decided to confront him about it.

"I'm telling you, I'm fine," Izuku told you giving you a reassuring smile. it only made you cringe thinking just how useless you may seem to him to not even want to tell you what was wrong.

"I can see you're not, and I—maybe I can understand it if you tell me the truth," you answered back, trying to reach for him, the Izuku Midoriya you knew he's being trying to hide so close to his heart so no one could see him under his fake smiles.

"There's nothing else I can tell you, I'm fine." Izuku insisted, backing away from your touch. Which only made you feel more insecure about the possible outcome of all this.

"Was ever any smile you gave me real?" You decided to get straight to the point. Looking him death in the eyes.

Izuku froze at your words. What?

"Wh—What are you talking about? Of co—" "Really?"

"Izuku do you know how much it hurts to see you smiling to everyone and at the end of the day know you cry alone?"

"What are you talking about—"

"Izuku you're putting out of sight so much, you're holding so much and I can see it—I've seen it." You admitted with glassy eyes.

Izuku remained silent. The only movement he made was to turn to look at the ground, fidget a little with his shirt and then close his fists, you could see he was getting nervous and maybe a little anxious.

"Izuku, I'm not telling you this for you to try and hide even more your emotions, I'm telling you this to let you know you can count on me." Even if I can't count on you. Your mind straight up shot to your heart as an intrusive thought.

Thinking back about his kindness towards everyone made you think twice if what you just said could make anything better to you as with every passing day you'd feel a piece of yourself get lost whenever you saw him being gentle towards anyone but himself.

Finally you saw tears fall from the puff of his green hair that you were currently facing. You wanted to hug him, you really wanted, but as his recent actions spoke louder than the sobs that were scaping from him, you stood still, letting some tears of your own fall.

It was such a hard internal battle you were having while watching him crumble in front of your very eyes.

It was so much for your mind to process when he started telling you everything about how he developed this ability to feel better with himself and stay strong as the hero he wants to become.

Still it seemed it wasn't so much for your heart, which beated for him. It, deciding to finally move and embrace him, trying to communicate each and every feeling you had in yourself for him.

You laid all the love, admiration and devotion you had for him. You hugged him tightly as a sign of never wanting to let him go. Unsure if he could feel all that.

He could. Izuku felt secure, peace, at ease just as you felt with him at the beginning. He could finally see colors around him again and he was so glad and even happier to see you with him, spending your time with him. Comforting him, being there for him.

For the first time in god knows how long, he could say he loved someone. And he couldn't be happier for that one to be you.

All writings' rights reserved © 2024 Mitsua. (Credit to the respective owners of the pictures and tagged anime character.) ⌇ my navigation!

[bunalum]

How To Not Overthink In A Relationship: Top 10 Effective Ways

Love, with its myriad of emotions and intricate dynamics, has the power to illuminate our lives and bring profound joy. And finding the right person to share those joys with is something that most look towards!

Read Full blog here!

However, when you finally find the right person, you do everything in your power to keep them. This often leads to you overthinking the simplest of “Okay” that your partner sends to you! You know thoughts like, “What if they don’t like me the way I like them?”, “what if they are just faking it?”, “what if they find someone else?” and many many more…  

But before you start searching for how not to overthink in a relationship, you first have to stop crucifying yourself! You are not the only one! Overthinking is a normal part of relationships. 

So, why do we overthink, and how to not overthink in a relationship? Read on!

Overthinking About Relationships – What Is It? 

You’re constantly asking yourself, “Did they mean that?” or “What if I did something wrong?” Your head feels like it is running around in circles of what ifs causing constant anxiety. At times you find yourself creating movies in your mind about these terrible moments for problems that may not even exist.

Honestly,��most of the time it is just a case of feeling anxious – anxious about being rejected, anxious about not measuring up, or simply fearful of the unknown. 

However, here’s something to think about; all this overthinking about relationships can mess with your mental health, ramp up stress levels, and screw up communication with your boy/girlfriend.

That’s why you need to find out the triggers of your overthinking, to understand how to not overthink in a relationship as this can be the way to save your relationship!

What Causes Overthinking In Relationships

While there can be several triggers that lead to overthinking about relationships, knowing what causes overthinking in relationships will help you take control of your thoughts and emotions: 

1. Insecurity

Insecurity is the most common fear trigger in a relationship and controlling your thoughts is the first step towards how to not overthink in a relationship. We get scared when we find ourselves in a truly blissful situation and this results in the necessary undermining of our newfound happiness.

2. Paranoia

We feel threatened whenever we think our partner may become annoyed with us or find someone else better than us. We may look for “issues” which are not existent. It’s like we want to sabotage our happiness because we are fearful deep down.

3. Need For Validation

We might misinterpret when our partner fails to show love in the way we expect thinking that they don’t care at all.

4. Expectations

When our expectations don’t match our partner’s actions, we start imagining the worst. We might convince ourselves the relationship is doomed, even when it’s not 

Different people show love differently, therefore if her partner doesn’t live up to her expectations about the love she should learn how to control herself otherwise things could go wrong between them.

Misunderstandings about what they mean can make us wonder why our needs aren’t being met, leading to more overthinking and feeling unsatisfied.

The first step to stop overthinking is realizing when we’re doing it. By understanding what causes overthinking in relationships and trying to be more mindful, we can have better, happier relationships without all the unnecessary stress and self-sabotage.

How To Not Overthink In A Relationship

This obsessive behavior can escalate and harm your mental well-being even if your tendency to overthink relationships is rooted in a protective instinct. Thankfully, there are ways to help with this.

The following are some of the ways of how to not overthink in a relationship: 

1. Seeking Empathetic Listeners

Overthinking often comes from deep-seated fears, and having people around who get it and offer empathy can be validating and relieving. Let your trusted friends or family members into the obsessive thought patterns.

When you approach this emotionally, being understood and empathized with enables you to speak your feelings and fears.

2. Convince Yourself not to Overthink

Trying to make yourself stop overthinking, especially by shaming yourself, is counterproductive. As a result, overthinking is often emotional rather than logical, so a purely rational approach can intensify overthinking as well as isolate oneself.

3. Communicate Openly with Your Partner

Share with your partner about what you think even when they sound irrational. This transparent communication can reinforce your bond and build up self-esteem.

4. Find Out Why You Feel This Way

Overthinking does not just happen for nothing; there are underlying reasons behind it. Think about why you’re overthinking this relationship. Your past experiences can play a major role in your journey of how to not overthink in a relationship!

Are there any past traumas that need healing? Lastly, did one parent abandon you? Visiting a counselor or therapist can help identify the root causes and address them.

5. Be Present Now

Most times, overthinking arises from unfounded concerns that have no basis in reality at all. Whenever your mind starts spinning out of control, bring it back to the current moment instead of the past or future. Take deep breaths while focusing on things that can be touched about your relationship.

6. Make a Gratefulness List

To change your focus to the positive aspects of your relationship, put together a gratitude list every day. Acknowledge all the good things happening around you and appreciate them as it creates optimism.

7. Get Active

Exercise is an effective way of reducing anxiety and improving mental clarity scientifically. So if overthinking plagues your mind, pause everything and engage in some sort of physical activity like going for a brisk walk or attending a workout class.

8. Meditation Practice

During meditation, you will be able to find out answers to your questions from, “Can overthinking destroy a relationship?” to “Is overthinking toxic in a relationship?”. Remember the answers are within you, you just have to be more mindful!

9. Write Your Feelings Down

Journaling intrusive thoughts or writing them down can help relieve anxiety. Even when you don’t plan to send it, consider journaling or writing a letter to your partner.

10. Use Your Mind’s Power

Acknowledge that you have power over your thinking. Whenever overthinking sneaks in, move away from that direction on purpose with your mind as if changing channels on TV. You can advance with confidence and clear-headedness by conquering your thoughts,

Think about these tips as small tools to use for how to not overthink in a relationship.  Just try them out next time you start overthinking. Also, note that these are tips shared by relationship experts who understand how complex human connections are so just try it out!

Can Overthinking Destroy A Relationship

This may even end up creating a mountain out of a molehill, making ordinary happenings into huge dramas. It’s like having an enemy within your relationship.

Being insecure as well as lacking trust, and overthinking puts strain on your connection. Additionally, this can be emotionally draining for your partner to constantly account for their actions or non-actions!

So to answer your question, ‘Can overthinking destroy a relationship?’, the answer is yes, yes it can!

Is Overthinking Toxic In A Relationship

It is possible to mess up a relationship by overthinking; that is, thinking too much about it without stopping. It’s as if you are always wondering whether your partner is angry with you or if they are keeping something.

All of this unending worrying can lead to tension and rows in your relationship. However, at times, it makes your partner walk away because they feel suffocated.

So, the question “Is overthinking toxic in a relationship?” gets an answer of yes!

Breaking Free From Toxicity

here you have it – the keys to unlocking a serene and fulfilling relationship, free from the chains of overthinking. Love is supposed to create a happy place, rather than serve as an arena for doubt and fear.

Removing its cloak is how you can begin to attain relationship enlightenment by knowing what causes overthinking. 

May your relationship grow into an abode of tranquility where love will flow without barriers as you get rid of uncertainties. Here’s to peace, happiness, and a well-nurtured love ahead in life.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. How to not overthink in a relationship?

To break this cycle, find people who are empathetic, avoid blaming yourself and be open to your partner. Breathe, stay in the present, and do things that make you happy.

2. What is meant by overthinking about relationships?

It keeps on analyzing things such as texts and actions, leading to unwarranted worries and fear, stretching emotions’ health and communication.

3. What causes overthinking in relationships?

There are various triggers such as insecurities, past traumas, fear of undeserved happiness, a constant need for validation, paranoia and mismatched expectations.

4. Can overthinking destroy a relationship?

Yes, it can damage relationships by causing communication breakdowns, unnecessary stress, creating non-existent problems, eroding trust, and hindering enjoyment.

5. Is overthinking toxic in a relationship? 

However, when drama is introduced by an overthinking mind that cannot trust, communicate well and it feels emotionally exhausting to have such a positive and lively association. It is important to break free for the sake of a better relationship.

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[cringelordofchaos]

ok thanks @sobeksewerrat now I'm having an existential crisis again lmao,.. (/lh also thanks for making me more self aware again ? )

list of things I do that MAY be associated with ADHD and or autism.

MAY,

I don't know if I have it, in not diagnosed and no one has professionally suggested I might have it.

I made a list to organize all my thoughts and I genuinely hate the fact that I'm oversharing shit online again bc i almost never think of consequences of my actions so idk if ke oversharing is bad or good and shit now I'm anxious.

ANYGAY.

Many of these traits are not exclusive to being neurodivergent at all, I'm aware o just wanted to share my experience

Either way it doesn't really matter. ADHD doesn't really get diagnosed here often. And not many specialize in it. So what do I know

List under the cut (it is probably going to be a bit long)

I possibly stim,

I chew things constantly for example, I used to chew my shirts so much a year or two ago and all my clothes had holes bc of that. It got so bad to the point of my mom buying me a fucking pacifier. I learned how to cope by just biting my tongue or just moving my mouth in general but it sometimes hurts not having anythig to bite. When I was really young, like in elementary school, I would bite and eat my own hair and would of fucking course cough bc of it. It was all an automatic involuntary actions. I also used to bite my arm to the point of it getting red. And would always bite my fingers to the point of them bleeding. I still do this, a lot actually, and it's very visible.,it's automatic and I hate it. It's like, I NEED to bite something right fuckinf now or I can't stay alive no more. It used to be worse, I would chew ANYTHING THAT WAS IN FROMT OF ME. I started a COLLECTION of chewed up pencils. Bc whenever they got near my mouth I would chew them. Which is BADDD IF YOU CAN XONTROL IT PLS DOJT DO THISSSS . I never did this because I was anxious or nervous, I just did it bc... I existed ?? Idk whenever I try to Google it up all the results say it's a sign of anxiety but for me it's just a symptom of existing). Whenever I feel anxious, (for example when I have to pass by a human being when getting to my apartment, and then they greet me and I greet them back but I feel like I did it incorrectly somehow and they hate me and think I'm incompetent/.>.gen), I flap my hands a lot (privately + primarily voluntarily) bc i feel just so much anxiety, I'm sure this is normal though. I also flap my hands a lot when I'm happy too. I do this moreso privately but sometimes it's a bit involuntary. When I'm really happy (usually about a wentoon lmao) I do a little dance and flap my hands and it actually feels pretty involuntary because if I DONT get up instantly and get into action it feels very suffocating. I pace around constantly, when thinking to myself I'll just walk In circle for long, sometimes I will just walk in a circle for literal hours. Usually I will move my hands in a weird motion . I rub my fingers against each other also to the point of visible and obvious injury. I don't know how to stop this. I constantly shake my leg though it's really common in neurotypical ppl so I should probably not be making a big deal out of this. There's probably more. Either way it's ,mostly harming to me lmao. But there's also the good in it ig

Okay actually it might take too long to organize everything and explain my whole life story so erm

I get distracted easily, or it's hard for me to pay attention to things I don't really care about, such as school (or moreso it's education system, since I can get actually pretty interested in private lessons) among other things. It's proven to be quite detrimental to me and my grades, to the point of me requiring multiple private classes to not fail a whole class, overall I'm just pretty much incapable of paying attention to stuff like that, but I'm pretty sure it's normal. And deficits in attention has been proven to be a result of modern day technology addiction among many youngsters, myself included, so I do not view this as necessary proof, especially seeing as I am actually capable of paying attention with good teachers in private lessons covering everything slowly enough. So yeah, essays over I am probably neurorypixal

either way

I get really obsessive over the things I'm interested in, I am not sure if they are hyperfixations but many times they get so genuinely intense they are the only thing I can think about. Genuinely. Once while trying to study history, for example, I just couldn't focus on learning history, not because it was uninteresting but because I was thinking of a fictional relationship (Roblox flicker mason x aadiv) and angst and fluff potential. I tried thinking Abt other things but I COULDNT. Also another short example: I once tried reading a book, and even though I could usually read it I just watched the finale of TMF and I literally could not NOT think about drew. just drew. I would try reading a sentence but then my brain would tell me how much I love drew. Goddamn it. This is a regular occurrence and has been proven to be detrimental to my life regarding it's real of my education. Focus on class? No, I can't, I'm trying to draw a symbol for a fictional religion me and my online friend made up. Focus on studying? No, k can't, I have to watch my favorite YouTuber or no, I can't, I have to daydream about being a YouTuber. These obsessions usually last a few weeks or months or so, so not too long, but usually for at least a week, to the point of it merely being mentioned gets me EXTREMELY hyped up. Sonic was probably my longest obsession, consistently lasting for about a year. If not flamingo (YouTube) who I was obsessed with for two years and based my whole personality off of back in the day. Sleep? No, I can't, I have to research neurodivegence. Hang the clothes? No, I can't, I have to pace around the room and think about the whole entire graspable depth of the relationship between Sean and daisy, as well as Sean's character alone and many implications surrounding his existence. I think y'all get the gist. Oh also I was once obsessed with TOH so much I literally knew so much Abt it and was so obsessed with it and if you gave me a line I could instantly tell you from which episode it was and I HUGELY related to Luz who's canonically neurodivergent and implied to have ADHD. This could all just me being passionate or obsessive thoug

Poor memory; I'm pretty sure this is the case buster, I lose things all the goddamn time it's actually traumatized me ti this point, losing a sharpener will get me having a whole breakdown screaming crying for an hour straight. Forgetting tests n stuff too, or forgetting ti check my to-do list Every . Single. Goddamn time.again this could probably stem from overuse of digital devices and electronics. So.

Oversensitivity to surroundings; aka possible sensory issues. I am pretty sensitive to noise, usually light too and smoke, and while I thought my reactions to surroundings were pretty normal (covering my ears, mouth, or squinting my eyes), upon observation I have noticed others do not do the things I do. Which is odd. How are they not suffering?? Anyway, sometimes I get overwhelmed so I etiehr try to ignore it or I escape. Literally. At times, things are louder and messier and more confusing and irritating. Also for food it's to a lesser degree but *lately* there's this food I forgot what it was called in English and chewing on it feels so utterly disgusting to the point where I'll cry bc the texture is just so extremely horrible and I literally spit it out of my window bc i didn't want my parents to see me not eating it. Bit then again I was able to eat the same food but bought from a different place, idk

Emotional disregulation; this could really just be me being a teenager, with hormones - you know how either you could have "two modes" you either feel like a GOD and everything is AMAZING or EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE AND YOU WANT TO DIE?? Those extreme emotions?? Well, at least according to my kom, it's a pretty normal process of puberty, so I should probably not pay it much mind. This goes out to my "possible" rsd (I say possible bc like while I'm unsure for being nd, there's no fucking way I don't have rsd...) I get extremely, extremely sensitive when it comes to any form of treatment k get that I could perceive as rejection, and many times I avoid any form of social interactions just for the sake of not being rejected in the slightest. My friend called me stuojd as a joke without tone indicators? I WILL have a breakdown abt it and I WONT communicate it to my friend bc i don't wanna disappoint them or make them feel like it's their fault. I'm really insecure and probably feel this way due to my childhood. Though, feelings of emberassment guilt or rejection sre in most cases common due to natural instincts, y'know, we couldn't have survived without communities, which practically the modern day brain translates rejection = death. Except there's not a real physical threat. Yada yada y'all know Abt this. So I don't think this proves anything, it's just a natural instinct I suppose, though idk if many ppl experience it as often and strongly as I do or if they just never talk about it. Sometimes I will get the lightest criticism ever and I WILL cry Abt it unless it was absolutely clear it was a joke lmao. And I always feel like things are super targeted at me even when they're not. Ive had so much breakdowns over this it's not funny.

Sleep issues: I am writing this as 1 AM is approaching. Need I say more.

Physical hyperactivity: see "stimming" section. I can't exist without moving unless I am asleep.

Mental hyperactivity??: sometimes my brain will be so loud my ears will genuinely hurt, don't ask how this works I actually don't know, it's in a rarer occasion however.

Resting bitch face: I've had people ask me so, so so often if I was sad or okay or ANGRY when I was feeling completely neutral. And they always say how I look angry. But I don't get it. But whatevs. I guess it just comes naturally, idk why. Maybe everyone else has a resting bitch face too and they just never rest idkk

Fuck I'm doing the finger thing rn it hurts so goddamn much

Anyway

Executive dysfunction?? Sometimes I feel like I literally can't physically do stuff and it takes me a ton of effort to get into a shower and I cry each time for reasons unknown. Though ut could just be me being s teenager and yearning for feelings of independence and control bc it's a normal thing for ppl experiencing puberty. But then again I don't see anyone else being like me except my brother who's in elementary school

I have taken online quizzes, I KNOW ITS NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE AT ALL, I just took them to see the results and also bc i wanted to research neurodivegence more and on literally all the quizzes I took over the years, all the time (except once I think) I got "you probably have ADHD". I know it doesn't prove anything and online quizzes don't take ones life context into account but I feel as if it is a BIT worth noting?

Possible meltdowns ?? Idk. I don't want to make it seem like it's a lesser deal than it is bc it's not. But for example once I accidentally left bread crumbs on my bed and my mom got really anxious and started yelling at me a bit and I was crying and covered my ears and started SCREAMING and did not get over it for a while. I frequently experience (like every day or two) periods of time where I am just on the floor or in my bed extremely anxious sad and yelling over the most genuinely minor experiences

*Possible* intrusive thoughts - (TW VIOLENCE) whenever I think of an embarrassing or cringe memory when I feel like I somehow screwed up a tiny bit my mind instantly makes me think of me peeling off the skin off of my head and it bleeding, or my arm being chopped off into two parts. Many times I will look at the window and get anxious thinking what if I just threw my most prized possession through there. Also happened once when my mom was standing in front of it and my mind made me think "what if I yelled and she fell you would be a horrible person wouldn't you". Also I sometimes think of DISGUSTING sexual thoughts and they pop up randomly and I don't like it. Anyway I'm not sure if these r by definition intrusive thoughts but they're involuntary and annoying and correct me if I'm wrong

Comfort item - dude I used to bring this plushie everywhere with me for years until I stopped and just put him in a special place so he wouldn't accidentally get damaged. I literally could not live without holding him. Like some super emotional attachment. Sometimes I talk to him. I also realized that when I wasn't holding something in my hand my hands felt too empty and suddenly I had to move them in weird ways (see stimming section for reference) so maybe that's why

I don't have a special interest (smth I was UTTERLY OBSESSED W MULTIPLE YEARS) so ig that crosses out the possibility of me being autistic

I also constantly hc my fav characters as neurodiverse and hen proceed to self project onto them and I constantly daydream about making YouTube videos Abt the theories of them being neurodiverse. Idk why I brought this up

Weird (emotional) empathy ? If someone is crying in front of me I'll probably feel genuinely nothing but anxious bc i WANT to help them feel better but idk how to and other times I get super empathetic with fictional characters or people seen on screen. Idk why I feel like a terrible person for this sometimes. I'll also feel bad for Minecraft trees and having to cut them but that's sympathy not empathy. As for cognitive empathy though it's pretty normal and my mom has noted I'm pretty good at it ?

Genetics: my sister is probably questioning it and sorts acts like it and goes to a psychologist, my mom has said she thinks she might have ADHD once out loud, my brother also watches some YouTube videos Abt ADHD and has been to a psychologist once, none are diagnosed but many speculate it, coincidence? Unsure

That's all I can think of for now

Bye

God why did I post this erughhhhh

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i dont know what the reason is but im so sensitive when it comes to you. you're special to me so i end up expecting more from you than from other people but it only makes me get too vulnerable. i get triggered way too easily when it's you. small changes in your tone or actions easily threatens me. i dont know if its because of the past which made me unnecessarily scared of even the slightest changes in you. i feel my chest getting tight when your tone sounds like i might done something that pissed you off, or when you dont reply then i get anxious cause how will i know if you're just busy doing something or if you're already dead? not gonna lie, i sometimes even end up hyperventilating due to the amount of anxiety that consumes me.

tbh im still bothered by the time you said you were gonna kys. i thought i wasnt affected by it too much after finding out you were okay naman, but i guess that was only because i havent processed it yet.

not to be selfish and im not saying that anyone should be prioritizing my feelings over their own cause i know you were going through things that time, but it was so sudden. that very experience continuously tells me i might not be worth much for everyone i've met to consider how i would feel before they suddenly do things.

not just with you, but it made me realize that it's the same with everyone else. i havent met a person who considers how i feel before they do something and that's usually the common reason that repeatedly hurts me. people say what they did was a "mistake" but my feelings feel like they're never gonna be considered. i just look "too sensitive" to everyone and its always they "didnt know it would affect me like that" and i'd be dramatic if i feel too hurt over it.

this feeling im trying to deal with wasnt caused by you, but i think it's due to the repeated experience of getting hurt after people dont consider what i feel. a lot of people have hurt me the same way and i should be used to it atp. it just got triggered cause i trusted you too much again which is still my fault cause i should stop expecting too much.

mom says sorry about the awful stuff she said before cause she failed to consider how it would affect me, but im already far too hurt to still be capable of trusting words. and the time before you tried to kys, you did try telling me that you care about me. but after that, i'll see you suddenly disappear. please dont think na makapal muka ko for me to feel hurt over it cause you're not obligated to stay with me in the first place and it's my fault for getting too attached if i get hurt. pero that very thing where you said you cared, but after a few days suddenly disappear? made me lose the capability to trust that i really meant much to you and made me to further lose the capability to trust words too. cause your words sounded like you were saying you genuinely care and would stay with me even if i wouldnt be of use to you, but your actions made me feel like you did care but not enough to consider how i'd feel before doing things. again, im not trying to guilt trip you over it. i think i just need to admit that i was really hurt a lot.

whenever i experience people making me feel like they didnt consider how much i'll get affected by something they've done in the past, i lose the ability to trust that they actually care. since im aware that they're capable of doing something that has hurt me severely, what reason do i have to not fear they might do it again in the future?

and then my friends only like talking about themselves too. they suddenly get dry or just straight up show it to my face that they'll never care once i start talking about myself. that's why the slightest change in your tone scares the shit out of me and i randomly get triggered in fear that i might've done something wrong. that i might have annoyed you the same way and i might've done the same mistake that might've caused my former friends to get sick of me.

i might be unreasonable for instantly changing the way i perceive people and withdrawing my trust despite knowing that those people who've made me feel hurt never meant it, but i dont know how long i can continue ignoring how i really feel. even if i know that people didn't mean it, that they never intended for it to hurt me like that, it doesnt change the fact that im still hurt.

im gonna make it clear again that i dont hate you nor am i still angry about those things in the past. but i am still very much affected by those and they come back to haunt me. im so scared of trusting anyone or anything now. i still care about you, but it's just that the amount of trust i have for you isn't the same as before. and because of that, i dont want to get too close to you anymore. im already far too scared of getting hurt even further. i no longer feel safe expressing my love for you cause it just makes me anxious. i still care about you, but i dont think i'd be capable of showing that too much because i cant trust that it would be worth it. and also, i didn't freely express my love and adoration for you back then because i expected to gain it back. those were genuine, and all really expected was that my love would be safe in your hands. i thought i wouldnt be hurt and disappointed for choosing to do that even if it makes me so vulnerable, but i cant do that anymore even if i want to.

to be honest i dont know if i should keep staying with you since i know how easily i get triggered with you, but how the hell am i gonna do that when i have already loved and still love you? i sometimes try convincing myself that i hate you and that im just too attached to you. i try denying it because it hurts too much to still love someone that has already hurt me. it hurts to still crave for your attention and validation even after everything. it feels wrong to still want to spend time with you and keep loving you, to still want to consider you as the most special person to me when you're also one of those persons that have hurt me the most. but the fact that you're one of those persons that have hurt me the most isn't because you've done anything worse to me than other people have. it's still due to me trusting and expecting too much that i'd be safe with you that has made the small things you've done affect me more than it should've only had.

i dont want to consider cutting ties as an option again cause i always regret it. i cant seem to figure out if a big part of me is dependent on you that's why i still dont want to leave even if it hurts? i dont know if i just maybe need a lot of time to recover?

i am very sure though that i do not hate you, and i know that i will still choose to stay with you. if there's a way to get this fixed without cutting ties involved, i want it but i dont know how that's supposed to happen.

if i do take a break from talking to you, it leads me to getting consumed in doubt and i'll start making assumptions about you and cause how i see you get even more distorted. but if i do continue talking to you, i get more exposed to stuff that easily gets me triggered.

but even if you try to reassure me or repeatedly say that you care, you're genuine, or that you could be trusted, it just never works. i really cant trust words cause i never have anything that can prove it. maybe i can trust actions more than words, but we only talk through chat so i dont know if that can be done. and even if requesting for that would help me trust you back and not get too sensitive, i feel like it's too much to ask for. i'll just feel guilty over it. i'll feel like a burden cause why do you have to do that much just for the sake of helping me? it's gonna require too much of your patience and time, and i dont think i have the right to ask for that. i've never even done anything for you but get too sensitive over the smallest things and drag you into my own mess all because my mental state is so fucked up and i complicate everything.

i dont know if im just making assumptions, but i feel like you're slowly getting sick of me. i've been very reluctant to tell you everything i've said here cause i dont wanna ruin your day. i dont want to add up to your problems. im scared cause of how many times i've already broke down like this. im scared that telling you how i really feel will make you hate me.

i dont want to look like im playing the victim again if ever that's how it looks like while you're reading this, but all of what i said is half of how i really feel. don't worry cause the happy side i show when talking to you are still all genuine. these feelings i only confessed right now were the ones i try to hide because i fear that you wouldn't want to see them. these feelings i repress are only the stuff i feel after talking to you, after something accidentally triggers it. im scared that you might get angry or react violently if i admit that i got hurt, im scared that you might get offended.

i didnt say all of this to vent out the pain i feel on you. i just think i should let you know how i really feel. and also im not letting you know how i feel to gain a sorry or reassurance or anything else. i dont really need you to reply to this or do anything, but i just really want you to hear me out. i only said all of that because i wanted to be honest and i just hope it can clear up some things maybe?

although if you are getting sick of me, if i've been doing or if i've said stuff that you dont like, please tell me. please tell me if you still wont mind having me around or if you're no longer comfortable with me after everything i said here. sorry if this was way too long again to read btw

im not sure if im only feeling like this due to my period and i might regret saying all this to you, but its better to let you know than to hide how i feel