#So much of the fandom that engaged with my theories doesn't want to interact so that does make me feel my words are worthless :(

[shinakazami1]

Today I'll finish a comm and I'm thinking,,, I might return to the tsp Bucket thing again. I have to finally finish my drafts I've been withholding for months but I want to do too much at the same time 😭 same with the asks, I am thankful to folks who did send them, I am just so slow JHSHSHSHS

[demonslayerunhinged]

Unhinged theory

The Passion of Sanemi Shinazugawa

Sanemi has no chill.

We all been knew this. His chill is one of the things that the fandom has accepted canonically doesn't exist, like Inosuke's uniform shirt or Zenitsu's dating standards, but the reason for his lack of chill and generally aggressive behavior is still a much debated topic to this day.

I have made two posts here and here breaking down his backstory, his trauma and socio-economical circumstances that made him the man he is today but, I still wasn't satisfied. Something nagged me about this character and his personality that I couldn't put my finger on. So I pondered, for days going through each episode, rereading the manga taking note of his actions and interactions with other characters.

Then, it finally hit me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I've found the answer.

Sanemi, our sweet boy, is SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED.

Let me explain.

butt first...

What is sexual frustration?

According to Medical News Today,

Sexual frustration describes a state of irritation, agitation, or stress resulting from sexual inactivity or dissatisfaction. Sexual frustration is a common, natural feeling, and it can affect anyone.

Some symptoms include:

Feeling irritable, restless, and edgy (so Sanemi's entire personality?)

Engaging in unhealthy coping skills (like wanting to brawl with another man for no reason and after having a sexually-charged training session 🤨)

Performing riskier behaviors to fulfill sexual desires (like exposing your entire chest and leaving it vulnerable just so you can show off your tits like a slut 🤨🤨).

Compulsive or hypersexual behaviors (like wanting to grab another man by the hair just so he won't go away 🤨🤨🤨)

Depression or anxiety for men (see this post)

“Seeking revenge” against targets that are the believed source of the frustration (basically Sanemi vs Giyuu)

Displaced frustration on targets with no connection to the frustration (Sanemi vs Tanjiro vs Junior Slayers)

How did this cum to be?

Okay so, I have this headcanon that the Shinazugawa men have a high sex drive. I mean, there's the seven kids from Kyogo which means he had to be laying pipe...a lot(F's in the chat for Shizu 😔) and Genya's horniness when he breathes the same air as a girl, so it's safe to say that Sanemi also has a high sex drive.

After the tragedy that struck his family (Shizu killing the kids, not Kyogo's death because fuck that guy), Sanemi lost any hope or chance of a normal life. In the light novel Sign post of the Wind, Sanemi tells Masachika that life isn't for fun, and he has expressed his distaste for 'frivolous' things.

He denies himself these things because he believes he doesn't deserve them, why should he enjoy life when he killed his mom, when he couldn't protect his siblings, when his brother rightfully hates him, when demons still exist, when families are still being ripped apart, when his colleagues and juniors are being killed and when Genya is in constant danger. The only thing he allows himself is ohagi which is a reminder of happier times.

He has no time for friends, for love and definitely not for sex, which by extension includes masturbation. He won't be able to jerk off without seeing the faces of his mom and his siblings -and yes, that sentence was just as awkward for me writing it as you reading it- so he resigned himself to a life of solitude and sexual frustration, which caused him to develop his aggressive and no-chill personality but at least he was able to manage for a while, that was until he met Giyuu.

Cum hither Giyuu

Sanemi's no-nut journey became even more unbearable when he met Giyuu. There was just something about that sappy, derpy, stupid face that stole his heart and even though Giyuu's personality should've made it easy to stay away, the power of love and horny didn't allow that to happen.

Like I mentioned before in a previous post, what followed was a series of sexually-tense situations and interactions between the two Hashiras, so every time Giyuu happened to enter Sanemi's field of vision, I guess you could say more or less he was:

Reaching out for help

In the light of their impending doom with Muzan's arrival, Sanemi has a realization; he's obviously going to die soon, that doesn't scare Sanemi, he's accepted the fact that he's going to die anyway but to die as a virgin? Now that's not good. With the failure of trying to reach out to Giyuu in the Hashira meeting and the disaster that was the attempted eye-poking incident and being shamed by a 16-year-old Sanemi decides 'fuck it' and tries to reach out to Giyuu again.

But he can't go crawling to Giyuu and be like 'please fuck me', no no no that would not do instead he has the brilliant idea to challenge Giyuu to combat under the guise of 'training' in some misguided hope that the spar would get both their temperatures up which would in turn get Giyuu horny enough to rip off his clothes and fuck him. Yay! The plan is foolproof!

I already mentioned in this post how Sanemi's suggestion for a brawl made no sense as he could have just taken the Muichiro route and suggested they use their actual katanas, but no he wanted a full body contact brawl. Like look at how excited he was at the concept of brawling with Giyuu, like no wonder Tanjiro was scared for Giyuu!

JUST LOOK AT THIS FACE!!! LOOK AT THE DESPERATION!!! OUR BOY IS SO PENT UP HE'S ON THE VERGE OF INSANITY!!!

THIS IS THE FACE OF A MAN WHO HASN'T NUTTED IN 21 YEARS! He was literally begging BEGGING Giyuu to touch him! 😭

Tanjiro(bestest boy ❤️) was rightfully afraid for his big bro, so he intercepts (read cock blocks) Sanemi! Imagine how he felt at that moment; he was THIS close to some body contact and then comes in the same child who kills his rep at every turn! Not only that, but Tanjiro clocks in Sanemi's intentions and decided to put a stop to it by hitting him where he hurts; ohagi.

Imagine your biggest social opp coming along with his innocent, stupidly sweet face when you've finally decided to open yourself up to fucking your forever crush and killing whatever and all sexual tension with his annoying innocence!

Then, as if on a mission to destroy your spirit, reveals your secret love of ohagi! A sweet typically enjoyed by children! Right in front of his future baby daddy!

Tanjiro then drives the knife even further by asking him his ohagi preferences, talking about how his grandma used to make ohagi and shit!

LIKE BOYYYYYYYY

That explains why he was so salty even hours later. If I were him, I'd be pissed too! The fuck! I love how he stopped walking on the steps just to cuss Tanjiro out, like you can tell it came from the very depths of his soul.

I mean, you can literally hear the pain and frustration in his voice. That is the cry of a man who spent three hours douching, only to have his Grindr date cancel on him.

Celebrating the big O

After the events of the final showdown we see a more relaxed, almost peaceful Sanemi which tells us one thing - our boy finally got laid!

But when? and with whom?

Well Giyuu, duh. I theorize that it happened sometime during the three months of recuperation before Tanjiro woke up, and they had their last Hashira meeting. I mean, look at how they're smiling at each other, you can't tell me these guys didn't fuck at least once.

Sanemi came(lol) out(lol again!) of the encounter a changed man. He's moisturized, demure, in his lane, thriving.

Look at him here; tits covered 'cuz Giyuu has made an honest man out of him, and that peaceful look? Damn, dick was so good blud had to look up to the heavens like

In Conclusion, Sanemi's character development is really inspirational because it's a story of one man's triumph over thirst and yea I don't know how to end this post, so I'll just leave you with some words of wisdom:

[hananoami]

My heart stopped beating after the explosion that happened with Caleb ….what was that …..😭

I wasn’t expecting him to blow up like that .i had to put my phone down and contemplate everything about my life .Later on i was like “wait?..how did the necklace survived “ it was in good condition too .It was like someone left it there and left .👁️👄👁️

Caleb definitely faked his death

The giving back the necklace might be he will return as a different person .And not the typical Caleb we saw .

Thoughts on this ??

Also love the details in this game when it comes to the LI body language “you could see in Caleb’s eyes he was yearning and frustrated during that argument “why can’t you rely on me ?“

OMG, YOU AND ME BOTH NONNIE! 😭😭😭

When I was first played through Chapter 04 on global release I swear to everything that is holy the ENTIRE fandom was in utter shock when that explosion happened.

Before Sylus made his debut a lot of players were speculating that Sylus might be Caleb or the guy Rafayel was talking to at the end of Chapter 08-08. The theories were getting so out of hand that the devs did a Q&A about it, and even said something about it on their official weibo account to quell any misunderstandings.

He might have faked his death or might have been kidnapped by the Tenebra/Ever Group? I'm not entirely sure, there are quite a few theories in the air about what actually happened, but one thing is for certain is that he'll definitely come back.

There has also been many subtle clues as to what Caleb's evol might be be, and we've seen them in action in chapter scenes too. Him being able to seamlessly lift things in the air without physical interaction. The 🍎 that's so blatant in his profile icon in MC's phone. I'm gonna call it now his evol is going to be Gravity manipulation.

I really can't wait for his return. I mean just LOOK at him! The longing in his expression. Like he's so close yet so far... Caleb obviously cares so much about MC, but he doesn't want to impose his feelings on her, since he realizes she wouldn't understand the depth of emotions he has for her. Ugh, I'm really such a sucker for this kind of thing: the unrequited, slow burn, childhood friend to lover trope.

I know some people are absolutely against the idea of having a romantic route with Caleb because in Western culture he's a "step-brother" to MC, having been raised together. But in Asian culture "family" is broader and more inclusive. Calling someone "big brother" can be used in a respectful or affectionate way, even when there is no blood relation. Like it's more meaningful than something taboo.

I'm not here to say what you should and should not like. I'm also not here to start debates because that's not something I'm gonna engage in. I'll just end it with a curate your experience, and protect your well-being. If you don't like it, then ignore it.

[let-it-rip-bear]

The Topic of Chef's Kiss

Part 1: Context

I very rarely interact with fandom at all. I was a shy kid and still nervous, though I've found ways around it. I write, read, and comment on fanfiction works, and that's about the extent of it. Then The Bear came along. It's a small fandom, but it's very active considering season 2 is about to come out. I hyperfixated intensely on season 1, though I had to take a break for school. As a result, I scrolled through the tag with a thoroughness that I had never employed before. I was a bit disappointed to see so much shipping discourse.

Before anyone tries to say otherwise, I'm not against shipping. I promise this post will not stop anyone from having fun.

Anyway, I'm not big on shipping. That's not to say I avoid it entirely. It's just not a priority. I primarily engage with media by trying to understand my favorite characters and playing with found family dynamics. So, it's frustrating seeing so many posts focusing intently on Carmy and Sydney's potential relationship instead of their current dynamic. Many people take all of their interactions and put them through the lens of romance and only romance. This is exhausting to me.

And again, before anyone tries to assume anything—just because I find something frustrating does not mean I think it's objectively bad or morally wrong or what the fuck ever. It's an opinion, not a condemnation.

Another bit of context for this post: I'm a queer trans man. I don't mean to use that as leverage, by the way. Disagreeing with me is just a difference of opinions. I'd never claim it's on the grounds of trans/queerphobia. I'm including it as a piece of context for the following point.

Mainstream media romance has always been bland to me. Much of it is saturated with pairings that feel empty and soulless—straight couples getting together for no reason other than being a man and a woman, and that's apparently enough. Many pairings are virtually meaningless because the relationship doesn't change anything. Their arcs are unaffected. They aren't intertwined in any compelling way, they have no chemistry. The carelessness and heteronormativity are exhausting. That is where I am coming from and why I don't ship them all that much.

Part 2: Chef's Kiss

None of what I said in the previous paragraph applies to Chef's Kiss, though. Sydney and Carmy have great chemistry as the two leads. I, personally, don't see it as romantic. That's subjective, though, and I can see why someone would ship them! They're a cute pairing—in theory.

But considering canon, I don't want to see them together. At least, not where their respective characters are at the end of season one. In my opinion, it would be disrespectful to their characters to throw them together just for the sake of it being canon. There are a lot of reasons why they shouldn't have dated in the first season, beginning with the power imbalance, since Carmy is technically Sydney's boss. of course, by the end of the season (really, by the 3rd or 4th episode), Sydney has cemented her role as one of the very reasons that The Beef survived at all, so that's not really an issue (I think) going forward into the next season!

Another reason is that Sydney and Carmy both have these personal issues at their core that dictates their every move, respectively. Carmy, obviously, has his grief to deal with and his fear that Mikey never truly loved him the way he loved Mikey. Sydney feels so much pressure to prove herself, despite the fact that she already has and is an amazing chef and business partner. She has to process the failure of Sheridan Road...and I'm not entirely sure she's done that by the end of season 1? That's not exactly the point in all of this, though.

My point is that I don't think it works for them to be together currently (subject to change with season 2, of course) and that is why I don't really ship them, especially because I'm honestly more concerned with their current state in canon. That doesn't mean I don't find them cute and enjoy some SPECULATION on their relationship's potential, whether platonic or romantic. They might be great for each other in the future.

I'd also like to point out that shipping is traditionally centered around pairings that aren't canon. There aren't any requirements for a ship, so it's totally valid to ship two characters that aren't currently compatible in canon. Again, I'm just explaining why I personally don't ship it. I'm not at all saying that people shouldn't ship them.

Part 3: Shipping Discourse

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that fan spaces have been notoriously racist and specifically anti-black and continue to be, as well as misogynistic, and that the intersectionality of black women is relevant in all parts of life, including the consumption of media. Discussions of misogynoir are incredibly important. I'll always support fans who call out hateful shit in fandom, particularly because it can be a scary thing, considering the attitude many fans have and the tendency to dogpile an individual. It is not my intention to claim that fan spaces are untouched by real-life issues or that there can't be discussions of real-life issues within fan spaces. With that established, I'll continue.

It seems to me that the two primary reasons why some fans don't ship Chef's Kiss are 1) they would prefer The Bear to not focus on romance, and/or 2) they don't feel that Sydney and Carmy's chemistry is romantic/they value the platonic relationship between the two. My issue with the shipping discourse in this fandom is how much of it stems from people pushing the idea that the show itself has to be setting up their romance, or else. Not only do many posts that condemn Chef's Kiss nonshippers completely ignore the aforementioned arguments, but they also leave absolutely no room for nuance. You either ship it or you're a racist.

I've seen many posts in which a question is posed: "What are your thoughts on Sydney/Carmy?" with the response being "Fans that don't like it are racist lol". I don't believe that is a proportional response. There are also posts in which people in this fandom argue that anyone who is against Chef's Kiss is motivated by misogynoir and that, at the heart of it, fans who don't like the ship or support the lack of romance in The Bear believe that Sydney is not worthy of being with Carmy because she is a black woman. I am by no means saying that this is not possible. That is not the argument I am making.

It is my opinion that shipping discourse is not a platform meant to handle topics such as misogynoir—though that's not to say there are no meaningful arguments to be made there. In fact, there's at least one post in the tag that speaks about Chef's Kiss, and that I think did a good job of articulating the undercurrents of misogynoir found in fan spaces. There are also plenty of essays out there on fan culture and social/political issues within it. The thing is, those essays have the purpose of articulating the grievances of a marginalized community through the lens of their experience with fan culture. Whereas the situation that I'm describing is, instead, minimizing very complex ideas to argue in favor of the validity (and even canonical presence) of a fucking ship.

I guess what I want to say is this: fans with marginalized identities should always be supported in calling out shitty, hateful, and discriminatory behavior in fan spaces. Those discussions should be given the time and attention they need. Though the characters are not real, the people within the fandom are. With all of that said, I think that it is, at the very least, distasteful to use the discussion of racism in order to defend a ship. The way that discourse concerning Chef's Kiss employs, quite rampantly, the issue of misogynoir in order to argue that Chef's Kiss is, should be, or will be canon is inconsiderate and tactless. Furthermore, equivocating a person's stance on a ship to their moral standing is bizarre and scummy.

Now to end this post, which is even longer than I thought it would be, I implore anyone who may or may not feel obliged to respond to do so with civility. also, remember that this is a tumblr post in which I did my best to cover everything necessary and articulate my thoughts, not an academic essay. I am just a guy who hyperfixated on The Bear.

[valyrfia]

https://www.tumblr.com/valyrfia/753339300734812160/guys-if-i-reblog-a-post-to-add-an

honestly going to sound bitchy when I say this, and while I don’t think OP should be getting hate for their takes, I also think it’s unrealistic to expect something that’s posting on a public forum to never break containment. Especially when their takes either make them sound like a hypocrite or like they honestly believe that any ships are happening IRL and not just a bit of fun within the fandom.

I personally don’t give a shit if someone finds my takes on Lestappen delusional, because let’s be real-it is. The same way all RPF is, no matter the ship. Because we don’t know these people. So I find it hard to judge others for their shipping because at the end of the day you’ve got to take a step back and realize this is all for fun, if we’re reading too much into an interaction, so what? If we’re pook-afing a grown man, what’s the hard? There’s a difference between RPF/shipping and the actual person going out to race every weekend. And personally, I’m more concerned with people that have trouble understanding and distinguishing between the two.

There is probably a less than 1% chance that Charles and Max are interested in each other in a romantic way, which is why all of my “theories” are simply for fun. And I can understand not wanting to interact with some of the more die hard fans, for any ship/fandom because they do tend to get a little too defensive of their favs. But I’m not okay with the suggestion that, Lestappen is somehow less morally okay than Carlando or Galex or whatever other ship because we’re Ken-afing a man. As if we any of the other ships are somehow more realistic.

Eh idk. I think we're all on tumblr to escape something and enjoy, and people have different boundaries to keep their peace that deserve to be respected. Just because someone criticises a certain ship and then requests that their opinion not be spread because they just don't have the mood nor the energy to discuss it doesn't make them a hypocrite, it just means they want to log on and enjoy what they enjoy without having to engage too critically with it. I don't think OP was saying that Lestappen is less morally okay (let's get one thing straight: all RPF is morally grey as hell but that's a different discussion), rather sharing their opinion of the ship as formed by their experiences–as I think they're entitled to do. OP didn't post it in any tags, and it only reached us because people sent it in.

Yeah I disagreed with their take, and expressed that and I stand by my points–but I have deleted and will delete my takes if it means sending discourse anons to a person who doesn't want it. I explicitly asked at the beginning of my reblog of thearchercore's original anon not to go send anons to OP because they set a boundary in their meta that they didn't want them, so it's just a bit annoying that then anons flood this person's inbox anyway and I get contacted and my username gets attached to all this disrespect and boundary breaking and I'm the one who has to apologise and I feel a little mortified. Just please respect people's boundaries, it makes everyone's lives much simpler.

[spaceorphan18]

I was wondering how you felt about the centralization of fandom. I feel like now, I'm so used to hop on AO3 that as soon as I'm looking for something I might not find there, like meta, theories or simply fics for an older (related to AO3) fandom like Glee, I don't have a clue anymore where to look for them. I never used LiveJournal so I don't have the habit of checking it out. FFNET feels obsolete after spending so much time on AO3, and as for Tumblr... the search function is a mess (and I dislike the fact that so many people post fanfics directly in text posts, of course they do what they want but it's frustrating to search for like analysis or simple thoughts and only find docs).

Fanlore is often lacking (although I worked myself on filling some stuff a few times).

I was used to HP being my main fandom: it had its own very charming fan websites with tons of content that often still exist, but are different somehow.

So I guess my question is actually several questions:

- what do you think of fandom being generally more centralized nowadays

- where do you go if you seek stuff like writeups (AO3 allows them but doesn't feature so much of them, but I know the Glee fandom was THRIVING and full of stuff,I guess the waves of mass post deletions are part of the issue)?

- finally, how are you? 🤗 I'm always happy to see your posts on my dash even if my Glee hyperfixation has come and gone

Sorry, it may be a confusing post 😂 Too much stuff going on

Hmm - I guess I wonder what you mean by more centralized? Like that we find everything in one place? Do we find everything in one placed? I guess I'm a little confused (but I often am)

What do you mean by write ups? Do you mean things like meta and analysis? I just want to make sure I'm understanding correctly.

If I'm being honest, my relationship with media has changed and I'm not necessarily seeking out fandoms to engage with. (This is not a denouncement of fandom at all! Just that I'm busier and how I interact with things just is different now) I haven't hyperfixed on anything since Glee - and I'm okay with that.

I don't really know where people can go /now/ to dig into fandoms. I think Discord is one of the places - but you almost have to be engaged already and invited into one. I don't know where people are putting their thoughts and feelings these days.

For me - I listen to a lot of podcasts now (as well as YouTube) where I can hear people's takes on such things, but I can't necessarily engage with it (I mean, I suppose commenting is a thing but it's not my thing) and that seems to fulfill a lot of my desire to hear someone else's thoughts.

And, I mean, I've made a group of good friends on Tumblr that if I want a more personalized discussion on something I'll hit one of them up and spark a convo. (Of course I have people not on the internet with whom I do that, too.)

But I can see where it can be hard for someone who is just starting out on their fandom journey to find a place where they can really dig in with others. Tumblr would be nicer if it was more organized and if tagging did actually work.

And, you know, I kinda treat Tumblr like a journal - and just create my own content. I'm not necessarily writing for all of you, but to sort things out in my own mind. Having people read and enjoy my thoughts is just an added bonus. ;)

I'm not sure if I've answered or addressed all of your thoughts - but hopefully, some of that makes sense?

In the mean time, I am doing well. I'm in a better place personally, which is nice, because then I can get back to all the fun projects I enjoyed before the year of my mental health crisis. Hope you are well yourself! <3

[falderaletcetera]

every now and then I think about trying to Do Fandom again but then I spend half an hour doing chores and thinking about, for instance, one specific episode [5.02] of Father Brown, realising that the reason the arranged marriage feels like it works in the end (other than both parties clearly choosing it) is that it isn't just the guy's younger brother who's autistic, but his bride-to-be probably is too.

the first time he shows any real interest in joan as a person, not just civility or this low key sucks for both of us so I'm gonna give you as much freedom as I can ("an heir and a spare and you can do your own thing, if you get my drift"), it's when he asks her a question about mathematics and gets her talking - not really understanding it but telling her, afterwards, he'd like to hear more about it sometime.

looking at him a bit closer, I actually like his character more than I expected. he's not a proper young man of his station, he's taken his family's reputation down a few notches through what we can assume is (tactfully put) a fondness for partying, and I'd generally expect a character like that to treat women pretty poorly, except robert seems to be better than that. then there's the toy cavalry soldier he carries as a good luck charm, a major general from his brother's toy set who shares robert's name - because it's something his brother loves, and maybe a way the two of them connect.

and robert's stuck awkwardly chatting to this woman who he's meant to marry but doesn't really know. someone who doesn't always look people in the eyes; who doesn't quite seem to know how to interact with him; who talks algorithms and graph theory and is fascinated with mazes.

this is a guy who, reading between the lines of he loves his brother and he carries around a little soldier figurine is someone who speaks "listening to you infodump" and "sharing your special interest" as love languages. and later when it looks like the engagement's not going to happen, he quietly mentions that he was just starting to like her.

I like to think that his moment walking side by side with her, listening as she talked with intelligence and real confidence, was a bit of an oh moment for him. a bit "this is someone I can relate to", a bit "this is someone I can like". and him showing respect and genuine interest, even after she stopped herself and apologised, probably helped her begin to like him too. not love for either of them, not yet, but the beginnings of something good.

and joan asking to meet his brother, getting to know him a little and asking arthur if he wants to live with them both rather than staying hidden away, brings it full circle in a pretty satisfying way.

(and that is more analysis, perhaps, than the episode calls for.)

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

Alright can we just talk about shipping culture nowadays because honestly it is very much starting to get on my nerves.

So i guess shipping for me had always been part of my fandom experience not in every fandom tho, i get invested in some ships sometimes and last years others i may just get them but not actually ship them and others i ship for a while but they may not be intriguing enough for me.

the point is shipping had always partially been about considering different interactions for certain characters sometimes by keeping said character as they are and sometimes by shifting certain aspects in how they behave or how they are to fit them in said ship and that's honestly fine everyone has there own way of enjoying the fandom

however it is the change in shipping that is absolutely horrible nowadays , it is just not about the characters anymore , it is just tropes I don't know ,has it always been like this ?

Like discussing ships used to be writing a whole analysis about how these characters would fit together and maybe even creating a little background for the characters or just a sufficient 'idk i just like them together'

But now it is just 'well enemies to lovers , guy fell first , redeemed villian what's not to like ' and worse anybody who doesn't agree with said interpretation seems to have no part of the fandom anymore.some characters in canon just can't fit together in a romantic relationship so if shippers want them to fit they are going to have to change their personality entirely and again that is fine but i don't want a whole long ass essay about how YOUR interpretation YOUR own take on the character is how this character actually is in canon so you can ship your characters together and diss on everybody who doesn't agree with you.

This is in both the loki fandom where i don't think anybody talks about anything regarding the show other than loki and sylvie's "chemistry" or loki and mobius , loki is being reduced to this narcissist how needs someone to teach him a lesson or to humiliate him in order to be better , in order to do so most shippers twist sylvie and mobius into these loving caring people they are definitely not to fit this troupe in their heads of " love made the villian turn into a hero", same in the star wars fandom specifically the new triology , it is all about shipping rey and kylo together which i used to enjoy in just for fun really but i don't even want to start talking about how the majority of the shippers were in this fandom 🙄 (also rey deserves better anyways), fandom has been narrowed down to ships , and ones the hype is over most of these fandoms collapse , cause they are just built on liking troupes and imaging the character infront of you regardless of how they actually are to fit this troupe , so if another Show/movie/book series does the troupe better or has a hype right now you look for these troupes and move on from said fandom.Fandoms collapse so fast right now and i believe a huge part as to why is this new shipping culture , shipping is becoming a must in every fandom right now you can't enjoy a fandom otherwise .

This is just my theory really i have been in many fandoms for a long time and weither this is actually what's happening or not, something has definitely changed about how fandoms are right now.

*Phew* sorry about the long rant

Hey, for what it's worth I enjoyed your rant 😉

I have never been a shipper myself so I don't have much insight into this, I'm afraid. I'm glad people have fun with their ships, as long as it's in good faith and they respect those who don't like their pairings or see them in a different light.

The only thing I have seen as of late (as in, the last few years) is that it would seem some people label certain ships as 'morally right' or 'morally wrong' and judge the shippers accordingly. It sucks because the way I see it, shipping is supposed to be good fun for those engaging in it and it shouldn't require a full-on disclaimer from a fan stating they're a good person to justify their favourite ship.

I see what you mean about fandoms collapsing pretty quickly and being narrowed down to shipping. Perhaps a part of that is the fact that many series have their entire seasons released at once, and we have such a huge pool to choose from (and a rather weird idea that we have to consume as much as we can to be in the loop with other people) that folks go from one to another like maniacs, which leaves us with the most basic engagement of shipping a few characters, too little meta and eventually nothing at all.

I definitely agree that in the SW fandom, the Reylo craze was a little too much to handle - and Rey deserved so much better (I say that as a big Kylo fan, by the way), and in Loki's case I think it's funny because they switch the roles: in the series, Loki is good and caring, and Sylvie/Mobius are selfish criminals who only care about themselves. But when it comes to shipping a lot of people switch them and pretend Loki is the selfish criminal and Sylvie/Mobius are the loving and caring ones.

It is one thing to do that if you're writing something canon divergent or you're retconning them for some reason, but to claim that characterization is canon is just wrong.

[twopoppies]

Hi Gina. I see this a lot on here and twitter and it was pushed a lot when I first joined the fandom, that Jeff forces Harry not to use social media because by him not using it much it will get him higher engagement when he does post as it is so rare, and also it gives him an air of importance. Which is all stupid because Harry keeps saying he stays off social media because it negatively affects his mental health, but they keep ignoring that. I also keep seeing them say that Jeff controls Harry and doesn't let him interact with celebrities at events, like normal celebrities do, and it's either to give him an air of importance that he is superior to them or it's just because he's trying to control Harry and shut him out from others. I think that Harry likes having Jeff around, it is probably comforting to him and it's most likely equally Harry's decision as much as Jeff's. It's almost as if Larries want Harry to have a horrible manager.

Oh my god I literally cannot deal with the idiotic theories they’ve got about everyone around Harry. Literally none of that even makes sense. Nor would they have any idea who Harry interacts with. Jesus, they’re exhausting.

[bookofmirth]

I've been ignoring everything from Acotar lately but I saw a post that reminded me of something.

I noticed that there are many readers who are a bit deluded and don't seem to know Sarah at all.

Type in the interpretation of some Elriel has double development since the second book.

So far so good, but I find these certainties so strange when I compare how ALL of Sarah's couples begin and not even Sarah herself guarantees anything..

Nesryn and Chaol had a romantic relationship in a way and Sarah dissolved that in a book and it was very surprising.

And look, I thought it was going to be Nesryn and Chaol because I got that thought: No, Sarah is not going to dissolve a couple that will only have 1 book to show Chaol's journey.

it doesn't matter if there are 5 construction books, it means nothing to Sarah.

I realize that there are a lot of people being positive for their ships to the point of ignoring how the author works and that she does what she wants.

I'm very down to earth, I'm not so positive, I have theories and my interpretation and everything but that's it, first Sarah confirms the couple and then I pretend that I always believed.

Too much trauma to ship couples that will never be game over.

Despite the fact that Acotar todos I shipped was endgame and that Sarah put the development of future couples within the pages.

ToQ was more amazing at everything than Acotar even.

Hey whats up? I will work up the courage to read and finish the two Crescent City books.

I was afraid that this crossover wouldn't make the book any good or something.

ha same, I haven't been around much the past couple of months (compared to my usual interaction and stuff). Glad to see you in my inbox though!

I noticed that there are many readers who are a bit deluded and don't seem to know Sarah at all.

There are sooooo many theories floating around that make sense on the surface, until you look at what kind of characters, plots, and relationships sjm tends to write. It's not just a question of, "is X possible," it's probably better to ask "is X likely based on what we know she likes to write?" Because a lot of the times no. Some random plot *could* happen in the future, but we have a pretty good idea of who this author is, now!

it doesn't matter if there are 5 construction books, it means nothing to Sarah.

Absolutely, even if I were to accept the interpretation that some people have of those two characters, that doesn't mean anything. She had Feyre engaged to Tamlin and banging him like crazy at the beginning of acomaf, and how did it end??? Same with your example of Chaol and Nesryn. Couples who were actually together broke up and ended up in completely different relationships in the same book. It's disingenuous to act like that can't happen.

The thing that actually matters to sjm is if the two characters bring out the best in one another. I think that's the main thing that I can rely on with her, and that's the main reason I don't like a certain ship.

I think your skepticism of Sarah is probably healthy 😂 Until the book is published and the words are on the page, none of us can be 100% certain about what's going to happen.

You have plenty of time to read Crescent City! Just try a little bit at a time, like 100 pages, and see how you feel. If you decide not to finish it, the fandom will keep you informed about what happens with the crossover. You'll still know what's going on.

[lavenoon]

Hey there, friendly reminder that you are awesome, amazing, and astoundingly talented! <3

Aaa hi Fan!! Making me melt too, I see 💜

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

I get to reread my own stuff, in more detail than if I just tried to remember an idea or daydream, and it feels much more tangible written down! I still reread fic I never published because it's just for me, and sometimes surprise myself with scenes I had entirely forgotten! So I'm very glad I wrote them down <3

There's also definitely the engagement/ interaction for published fic. Like yes, I shouldn't make anything dependent on that, but it's just so so validating and fun to hear from other people, and to enjoy something together! I'm very happy I get to share my ideas, and have people be excited for them <3

💋 when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

Answered a bit more in depth here, but in short, I definitely enjoy it! I never want the author to feel pressured though, it's just a little bonus treat <3

🕯️ how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

There's the difference between worth and validation - you may know as a writer (or artist, creator of any kind) that your work has worth, but the validation is what makes you want to share it. If you don't feel like anyone reads your work, why would you continue publishing it? It doesn't mean you necessarily stop writing, but to post something you created means being vulnerable and putting a piece of yourself out there. If there's just no engagement, it feels like rejection.

Fandom is about interaction. We all want to share thoughts and ideas and theories, and it is vital to engage with what is there. That doesn't mean everyone needs to comment on everything! But if you read something, and you enjoy it, you definitely should leave some sort of "I liked this" reaction.

For the socially anxious folks, or people with few social spoons, there's always the options of likes and kudos - as long as these people don't make up the vast majority of a fandom, engagement will easily continue flowing even without explicit words from them! There's also anon options, or those pre-made html codes for more kudos, or other very simple comments (like just "extra kudos!" without any html) that still let an author know you liked it!

Plus, especially if it's anxiety making the engagement hard... The author did the same? Bearing a piece of themself for others to see, and as long as you don't waltz in and just point out all flaws without saying anything else, why would they not enjoy hearing from you? Comments give the author an idea what was good, what might need elaboration, and what ideas resonate!

Some people feel more comfortable on tumblr, some more on discord, some more in a different constellation - but please, please make an effort to engage. It's what keeps things going - you can't just "consume" and not give anything back, if everyone did that, creators would burn out like a flash fire and stop publishing things. I know I did. It's worth the anxiety, it's worth the effort, and a little bit can go a long way. I'm anxious any time I post, and I still do it! So as a creator I just want to hear from people that it was worth it for me, too, that it's received well. Find a form of engagement that works for you, but engage - otherwise, in time, there won't be anything to engage with.

🧿 what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

Uh, admittedly, not too many. My rsd and anxiety unfortunately tend to make me catastrophize, and mostly it's damage control, not prevention.

What I do do is look at what engagement I did get - every kudos/ comment is a person, and even if it doesn't seem much, those are real people who like my work. Every bookmark means someone wants to see more. Those already mean a lot, and I remind myself to not get caught up in numbers - with private bookmarks, all the people who bookmarked AU might not even fit into my home! That's so so many people! Even my other fic, which runs at 16 bookmarks - that's a lot of people in a room!

So in short, I visualize the engagement I get as actual people, remind myself that was a real person who took time out of their day to let me know they liked my work! It's really never happened to me that there's no one who interacted with my work, and even if there were... Well, I already write a lot for just myself or friends, things that I don't necessarily share with the wide public, so I know where to go to find the validation I crave, and sometimes that validation is just keeping things entirely to myself and reread them again and again <3

[epickiya722]

I'll admit, I was upset that someone told me I was thinking too much into an idea on my post.

Do I think I'm a little too wordy sometimes? Yeah.

Do I think sometimes I don't make sense on my posts? Yep.

At best, even if my posts come off as meta posts (and I do not mind if you tag them as such), at best I think of my posts as rambles. And usually when I ramble, I do think about every detail that pops in my head and want to include them to... paint a picture. Make sure that what I'm saying makes sense and gives the details as to why I think this or that.

Whether or not the comment was harmless, I believe it so... it could have been a joke, I still got upset because I did feel insulted.

Why?

Well, don't fans normally "think too much" into whatever media they engage themselves in?

That's how we get fanfics, fanart, headcanons, theories, "I spotted this blink-and-you miss moment, did anyone else catch it", etc.

Isn't "thinking too much" into an idea how people in fandoms interact with the media and others? Isn't that one of the ways we keep the fandoms alive?

If we all saw something without digging deeper, I think a lot of media would seem boring to us and fandoms would be dropped from boredom.

Even if a theory or someone's headcanon doesn't make sense to me, I don't hold it against them. They liked something, took a detail and craft it into an idea they wanted to share with others in the fandom.

It's what I did with my post and so far, some of you seem to like it. Which, yes, I am surprised about because I ultimately didn't think anyone would get me.

I saw a scene, remembered another, made connections and shares it because I liked the idea and yeah, wanted to know what others thought.

I think what else upset me about the comment was just recently others been commenting some real unnecessary shit on my posts.

Last week, someone was "I actually don't like any of these ships, I like MiruHawks". Mind you, again, all those ships was F/F, so I am a little suspicious.

But I digress.

Today was... kinda tiring for me, a bit confusing. It was. I hoped to have finished a fic today, but I kept getting stuck on it and there was that from this morning.

I am feeling better though.

And no, I won't stop posting my "rambles".

[wilcze-kudly]

Hey, hi, hello! I wasn't going to interact with this post after my first reblog, in which I did agree with you that I did not like the direction Toph's character was taken, since you seem to have made it clear that you're not interested in engaging in a discussion! But since you saw fit to engage and interact with my rather tongue and cheek tags, I thought it would be beneficial to clarify my opinion on the matter, as I believe it has been a bit misinterpreted, be it on purpose or not.

Before I do so, I want to reiterate: I do not enjoy cop Toph, nor do I like the lenient portrayal of the police force in tlok. I just think that people are much to willing to jump on a bandwagon of blindly crossing out this development, despite the interesting storyline it could provide.

You claim that I reduce Toph to 'a wealthy girl who likes violence'. Now, barring the fact that my original tags were more jokey, because I didn't expect a response, I would like to note taht you left out the arguably more important part of Toph having a constant need to prove herself, which I believe is arguably more important to her becoming a cop.

I've already alluded to this in my post about Toph's story being a tragedy but I think a lot of people handily discard Toph's need to prove her worth. This is probably due to the bravado she puts up, which, in my opinion, is used to cover up her fear of dependence and weakness.

Toph was not just seen as weak as a child, she was purposefully kept 'weak' by her parents, particularly Lao. Keeping her hidden from the world, not allowing her to socialise with her peers, not allowing her to move past basic earthbending forms, not giving her a shred of independence. I don't think I have to elaborate on how harmful this will be to a child.

We see how hard Toph wants to prove that she can be independent in literally the wpisode after she joins the Gaang, in the chase. This is literally the primary reason for her and Katara's conflict.

Toph: Katara, I'm fine. I can carry my own weight. I don't need a fire, I've already collected my own food and look, [Earthbends a rock tent over her.] my tent's all set up. Katara : Well, that's great for you, but we still need to finish - Toph: I don't understand what's the problem here!

This isn't Toph being a brat, or difficult, this is her trying to establish that she's able to handle herself, so the Gaang don't treat her like her parents did. This is a fear and suspicion that follows Toph constantly, and this is where her struggle with authority figures comes from.

And yet, she craves her father's approval. So much of her arc is trying to show her father the value of her true self, the powerful fighter and force of nature she is. Achieving greater and greater feats, just to prove to herself and perhaps her parents that she has more value as the person she truly is, not the person her parents tried to mould her into.

We see Toph enjoying new challenges and searching them out. She's competitive, but bot due to a sense of ego, I believe, but due to a a constant need to prove herself. Why wouldn't she search out a vocation that would allow her to, at least in theory, test herself and assert independence?

Her metalbending school does not give her that, she clearly loves challenges too much.

Furthermore, your argument that Toph's reduction to a 'rich girl who likes violence' being the reason 'so many' people are fine with her being a cop doesn't hold up. Most people flatten Toph to 'aggressive gremlin who hates rules' and actively use that to go against Toph being a cop. People hating Toph being a cop is the majority of the fandom, I would argue.

'This is what the fandom reduces Toph to.' Would you find someone agreeing with you and calling Toph a 'law breaker', 'insurance fraid', 'petty criminal', as they do in the reblogs and replies of this post, flattening a complex character to one aspect of her character? No, becauae they're agreeing with you. I personally find the idea that Toph is constantly stripped of her depth and reduced to "criminal chaos causer" upsetting for how much of a deep character she actually is.

And yes, Toph's wealth is important to the discussion, and so is her being accustomed to solving issues with violence.

Remember, Toph was sheltered as hell as a child. Even when she hung out in Earth Rumble 6, she didn't stick around to socialise. So we have a young woman who grew up in very particular enviornments. And while spending time with the Gaang, she widened her horizons, a gagle of teens and preteens wandering the world aiming to take out a monarch isn't the most 'preparing you for real life' situation out there. This leaves us with a girl who has extremely limited experience of the world, and is very accustomed to violence as a form of life.

People also tend to ignore that Toph is actually an incredibly pragmatic person, who will often prioritise efficiency over things like morality, ideologies and even personal grudges. This doesn't make her a bad person, I love that about her. She's not only able to see clearer than the Gaang that they need Zuko to teach Aang firebending and she is able to forgive him for accidentally burning her.

We would be remiss to see that she is willing to surrender her own ideals for the bigger picture. Like as she did with the case of Liling, advising Aang to remove her bending. I don't believe this is a decision Toph made lightly, especially with how important her own bending is to her. She knows more than anyone the pain and fear removal of bending can cause. But she offers this anyway because it's how she believes a dangerous criminal will be stopped.

We also ignore that Toph has a love and fascination for progress. She's drawn to the future that the refinery and Cranefish Town represent, and she's willing to defend them. So her remaining in Cranefish Town while it becomes Republic City and becomes a hotspot of both economical and technological growth is in character, as is her wanting to defend it from the apparently many crimes that happen there.

And sure, there are many ways to do that, and I honestly wish it weren't by being a cop. But we can also remember that Lao Beifong was on the council of the city from its beginning and may have wanted Toph to be less of a vigilante and help train benders to defend the town. Because, cool as Toph is, she can't be two places at once.

And we've already seen how much Toph cares for her dad's approval and she's also very protective of him.

So is it really that improbable that Toph would start a police force in Cranefish Town, where her father whom she wants to impress resides? The girl who wanted to spread her influence across the world via spreading her teachings? The girl who loves progress and challenges?

And honestly, Toph didn't even seem to be having that much fun on the police force anyway. I think a very likely progression of events for Toph in the police force is that she created it and later became disillusioned with it a she realised that she had become what she hated most. A controlling authority figure.

Hell, the way she acts when we actually meet her in tlok lends credence to this theory. Toph is clearly bitter and disillusioned about her time in the police force.

Toph: Listen, when I was Chief of Police in Republic City, I worked my butt off busting criminals. But did that make crime disappear? Nope. If there's one thing I learned on the beat, it's that the names change, but the street stays the same.

It's a tragic story and it makes me sad, but I can't deny that it is an enjoyable storyline to follow. It feela like more of a critique of the

Now, do I think Bryke intended for this to be the true meaning Toph's story? Hard to say but I'm leaning more to no. I think they made Toph a cop because they're two liberal white cishet men who were creating fictional New York in a East Asian skin. Although B1 did try to lay a critique of police brutality and police states it falls flat due to Lin and how the storyline absolves her of a lot of her flaws.

I don't like cop Toph. I'd much rather she do anything else!

But I do still maintain that this storyline isn't a character assassination or the 'worst caharacter progression ever' or impossible, as a lot of people claim. And my opinion doesn't come from a reduction of Toph's character to a caricature of herself, but from a very careful consideration of her multifaceted nature.

People are free to dislike cop Toph, hell, I dislike cop Toph. But it's not as bad as everyone claims. But we sadly see a lot of this in fandom culture. A fandom reduces a character to their most basic traits and creates their own little doll of them based on said traits. And when writers and creators want to do something new and interesting with a character they created, they are faced with extremely harsh backlash because fandom has begun to see their version of the character of not only the 'correct' version, but also as their property.

So as much as I dislike the direction they took Toph, I dislike the fandom culture that caused so many people see this as some sort of destruction of Toph's character even more.

Reblog if you also think Toph shouldn’t have been a cop.

I want to see how “unpopular” this opinion really is outside cop-worshipping Reddit.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

You know how you said the company monitors stuff? Then why do you think they planned this jikook show no one wants to watch? ARMY is pretty loud about how much they hate them, and Taekookers are even louder. Doesn’t them doing this indicate they DONT understand the fandom?

I think y'all give too much importance to that. The opinion of some people on twitter is not the big picture. Emphasis on the word some. There's a fair amount of jikookers on the Korean side, and as we've been seeing lately a lot of them favor Jungkook. Don't you think the company sees that, too?

A lot of people don't actually hate the ship. The word hate is used so arbitrarily these days. Just because they don't want to engage with "jikook fuck raw" tweets, it doesn't mean they hate them. Most of the times, even the most innocent tweets about them come from accounts that really believe they're dating, so most armys don't want to interact with those accounts either because of what they represent. Even if certain tweet/s are harmless.

Paranoid jikookers have been running that narrative of "they hate m y ship" since always because they saw the hate against Jimin and of course Jungkook is always a victim, so they turned Jimin hate into jikook hate. There's also the fact that the word fanservice is a little ball of fire and both taekookers and jikookers keep throwing it to each other because nobody wants to have it on them. So jikookers have been clinging to "why this ship if nobody wants to see it" narrative because they don't want to acknowledge that their content might actually be used for fanservice, and with reason lol.

I wrote a post about it some days ago.

[nonuel]

this is a sideblog for ramblings, edits, and meta. there is a particular focus on mass effect, but dragon age as well as non-bioware games will make an appearance now and again

if you're going to follow me, please be aware of the following:

in general, i find fandom extremely tiring on multiple levels, and i prefer to pretend it doesn't exist. i have learned through experience that engaging with other people in fandom is rarely worth it, and i am no longer interested in interactions a majority of the time. i just want to make a space for myself now

i especially dislike male character fandoms, including ones for male characters i like

on a similar note, i am mainly apathetic with a varying side of negative toward the following male characters: cullen, alistair, sebastian, varric, joker, garrus

if one or more of those are blorbos, well... i would reconsider following

all of that said, i prefer not focusing on negatives too much; i bring this up only because i like analyzing things a lot. a lot of these analyses are meant to be (neutral voice) in tone, but i have said and will continue to say things about those characters that fans of them may construe as disparaging and/or hateful

if a post has anything i think fans may consider critical or hateful, i will warn it in the main post and then tag it with the character name at later date so that there's time for it to be buried by newer posts in the main tag. this will hopefully prevent most fans from seeing it

tl;dr: this is a blog meant for me to feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and analyses without consideration for how others may feel about it. everything will be tagged appropriately; if something isn't appropriately tagged, let me know, and i will correct it

unrelated to anything else, but other things i think warrant a mention:

i love renegade female shepards the mostestest ❤️

i don't much care for paragon shepard, but i still play them occasionally - mostly when i'm doing mshep runs

i have a long term interest in mbti/enneagram theories (not the personality test) and i often incorporate these into my character analyses. if mbti/ennea make you uncomfortable, i would also reconsider following

there may also be some oc talk here and there. reblogs will either relate to my ocs or be resources i think are neat

even more info if needed | thanks for stopping by 🫡

[tarysande]

I finished my AHOD reread!

And I have some thoughts. Because reading it so many years later was illuminating.

I love this story. I really do. It's been over nine years since I started it (HOW) and five and a half since I updated (SORRY). It doesn't feel like that much time has passed, honestly. And yet ... it has.

And if I stop and really think about all that time, about the person I was then and the person I am now, of course I can see the differences. I am so, so much healthier and happier now. I understand myself so much better. And I understand that understanding myself is the goal of a lifetime; there's no finish line.

I'm going to talk about that a bit, because I've learned some things I needed to learn, and I suspect maybe other folks need to hear about the things I've learned, too.

I've mentioned before that I was very depressed when I wrote AHOD. For most of it, I was living on the other side of the world in a country where I knew virtually no one. My mental health was a mess, but I hadn't yet realized I could do anything about it. Hell, I didn't have any idea just how deep a hole I was in.

AHOD was a lifeline. I loved that people cared about it enough to engage with me. I loved that people had theories and ideas they shared with me. I loved that people always looked forward to the next chapter. I loved feeling like I was a part of something, especially because my life outside the internet was so, so barren and I was so, so lonely. Hell, I loved feeling special.

(I wanted something to go right. Just once.)

Back then, I had no idea that I had ADHD and that every bit of feedback and attention was literally giving me a dose of the dopamine by brain so desperately needed. I also didn't know about rejection sensitivity or hyper-focus or all the other myriad strengths and weaknesses that go hand in hand with ADHD. The rejection sensitivity's important because I realize now that I let a few interactions with others undermine my confidence in devastating ways. A comment, after all, is just a comment, and a wrong guess or criticism or hot take doesn't mean everything is ruined and everything is garbage and how could I have subjected others to this dumpsterfire??

I do know this: I was terrified of fucking it up, letting people down, and being seen as the impostor or fraud my inner critic had convinced me I was. Because then people would hate me, right? Or worse. They'd be disappointed in me. And then I would once again be lonely and alone, online and offline, having failed to prove my worth.

The more pressure I put on myself to be perfect, to juggle all the plates, to tie up every dangling thread perfectly, to show no weakness, to admit to no flaws, the less I could do anything at all. I couldn't reread my work. I couldn't think about it. I sure as shit couldn't write. I tortured myself with my failure to finish AHOD, and I convinced myself the entire story was flawed in ways I could never fix (it really isn't!). Eventually, I couldn't play the games, I could barely engage with fandom, and I—spoiler alert—ended up all but disappearing from the fandom that meant so much to me, anyway.

Because of a future that I convinced myself was inevitable.

(This, friends, is called CATASTROPHIZING.)

I know. The irony is painful. I'm good at being honest. I'm not good at being vulnerable. And I am much better at giving advice than taking my own.

But here's the thing: When I read the story this time, I didn't feel any of that pressure. I didn't feel all of that self-imposed weight on my shoulders. I thought I am proud of this story. I stand by this story. I'm enjoying it immensely. Hell, I love this story. I really wish there was more of it!

But, most importantly, I don't hate myself because there's no more of it.

It's hard for me to explain how revelatory that is. I have barely written anything (well, barring the stuff I write for others and am paid for) in years. My inner critic (she's 100% Moira Callahan, by the way) has been grinding me into the dirt for literal years, and I have let her. I've even felt like I deserved it.

So many other aspects of my life have been fantastic, but I'm not exaggerating when I say I'd started to believe I would never write again. I was trying to get used to it. Trying to accept it. And it killed me. It wasn't something I wanted to give up; it wasn't something I was okay with letting go. I constantly suffered from a kind of phantom limb syndrome.

I've always wanted to tell stories because I've always hoped that somehow, in some way, my stories would help others—even if that help just came in the form of entertaining them when they needed entertainment. Helping people is my calling, you know? When I'm helping people, life feels good. And as much as I enjoy editing (and I do! and I'm good at it!), helping people that way doesn't feel as right as writing does. I need both in my life to be satisfied, to be truly happy.

This is what I learned while reading my old stories this time: The me of ten years ago didn't realize she was writing the stories that the me of right now needed.

And, in reading those stories, the me of right now is starting to feel like she's ready to pick up where the me of then left off. The me of ten years ago wasn't ready to write the endings, if that makes sense. She needed to become the me of right now. She needed to live and heal and thrive—not just survive. She needed the right medical diagnoses and the right meds and she really, really needed therapy. She needed to recognize that she could build a sustainable career from working with words, even if that career wasn't purely as a writer. (She is ready to get back to that dream, too, though.)

I guess the tl;dr here is that healing doesn't have a set timeline. And sometimes you don't really realize how much healing you've done until you face something that used to cause so much pain, only to realize it no longer does. Or, even better—that something new has grown where that pain was, like a new tree growing out of a shattered stump, and maybe that thing might be beautiful.

Anyway. Grace Shepard would tell me this is hope. And hope? It's pretty great.