#So I cannot. Reach it. I'm kind of just planning on not setting my apartment on fire

[vamptastic]

Previous tenant took the batteries out of the CO detector and put them in a drawer I wasn't aware of until just now when I opened it and found they had exploded. Very cool

[bokutosbabe]

It Always Leads To You

( bllk boys as situationships )

a/n — girl whose never had a situationship writing about them? what could go wrong? (they progressively get longer lol)

content — some nsfw but not explicit, pining, GN! reader, some characters repeated, all characters are 18 or 18+

synopsis — what kind of situationship the bllk boys would be

⋆.˚✮🎧✮˚.⋆ ' and the heart i'm breaking is my own ' ⋆.˚✮🎧✮˚.⋆

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ the... ' but you're best friends! '

you'd rather spend money on a hotel than stay at home 24/7 for the next week. how could you walk into your house when you knew he'd be there, chatting with you family as if nothing had changed?

maybe you should've pretended you had to work.

that would have saved you the grief of having to see, who was supposed to be, your best friend. how could you face him when the last thing you two talked about was being a couple and that...not going as planned.

well, maybe that wasn't the last thing you two talked about with each other. however, does defiling your families bathroom really count as 'talking'? ( most awkward easter ever afterwards ) you didn't really think so.

whatever, he was a pro-soccer player now, he may not even be at home this christmas. you'd just have to put up with his family, who you'd always loved, and then you could go home and avoid the situation until the next big holiday.

but of course, when you stepped into your childhood home you realized that you'd never get that lucky. there he was, just as handsome as ever, sitting on your families couch.

in your eyes, he looked like he belonged with your family more than you, but you supposed he earned that. he came home every holiday, unlike you who continuously came up with different reasons to stay as far away as possible.

if you left now, maybe no one would know you'd even shown up-

" woah, y/n! it's you! " or...maybe not. " i haven't seen you in forever, what have you been up to? " the voice that plagued your every waking thought crashed its way into your ears.

your best friend ( could you even call him that anymore? were you still his best friend? ) got up from his spot on the couch to come wrap his arms around you in a hug that felt more like home than home did.

" i've missed you, ya know? " he whispered in your ear, hands caressing your back in what felt like much more than what a 'friends' hug would be.

just a week. you could survive and coexist with him for a week. your resolve to never sleep with him set in stone now.

you just wished your resolve wouldn't have crumbled only two days later while your family was downstairs watching christmas movies.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ REO MIKAGE, isagi yoichi, AIKU OLIVER, rensuke kunigami, TOBITO KARASU

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ the ' you cannot date them '

you’re a good person... or at least, you want to believe that. But how can you when your best friend sits in front of you now, talking about their ex?

she’s raving about how much she misses him, how everything fell apart at the worst time, how she’s still holding onto the hope that maybe they can fix things.

you try to smile and nod, pretending that you’re not dying inside. how can you even look her in the eye when he’s blowing up your phone right now? when you know exactly how he feels about you?

“it’s just so messed up, right?” she laughs nervously, like this is all just a bad breakup, nothing that can’t be smoothed over. “i’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do anymore.”

she doesn’t know that you already did something. You already did the one thing that could ruin everything. the one thing that she told you you could never do.

your phone continuously buzzing while she's talking, hoping she wouldn't notice you reach for it to silence it while she takes a sip of her drink.

your phone vibrates again, and you try not to look at it. you’re not sure if you’re worried that she’ll see, or that you’ll see what he’s saying. you’re scared of both.

him <3 ; are we still on for tonight? can’t wait to see you.

that familiar ache forms in your chest, and you can feel the betrayal to your friend, the confusion about your own feelings, but worse—there’s nothing you can do about it. you keep smiling, even though it feels like your heart’s sinking with every word your friend says.

" god, if you don't want to listen to me, just say so. " your friend says coldly. " i would have turned off my phone if it was you crying right now. "

" sorry, it's just my mom...talking about some new present she wants to get my brother. " you apologized. "oh, okay. is your brother a cutie?" you didn't even have a brother, showed how much she knew about you.

“whatever, what should i do?" your friend asks, her eyes bright with hope (or maybe delusion). "do you think I should text him? do you think we could still fix things?”

you want so badly to tell her the truth.

you want to be honest, to say what she needs to hear so that she doesn’t get her hopes up.

you want to tell her that he is already texting you, that maybe you are the reason he won��t talk to her.

but instead, you bite your lip and offer a shrug. "i don't know, honestly. maybe he needs time to figure out what he wants too."

"he doesn't need time. he needs me." she mused, staring at you like your answer was just the stupidest thing she'd heard all day. "no wonder you've never dated anyone, who'd like a ditz like you?"

The whole time, your phone is buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, like a constant reminder of your lie.

you; see you tonight :)

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ OTOYA EITA, ikki niko, RANZE KURONA, reo mikage, RYUSEI SHIDO

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧the... ' you'll never be first '

he's leaving soon, and you feel like you're dying.

you’d known for a long time that ‘casually’ seeing a pro soccer player would only lead to being left alone, especially someone like him—someone whose work always came first, and whose heart was as unreachable as the trophies he collected.

he’d said it more times than you could count: “love doesn’t come before soccer. It never will.” and you’d laughed, maybe even agreed at some point, understanding it was just the way things were.

so why does it feel like you’re drowning now, with him leaving just around the corner.

it doesn’t make sense. you’d known the deal from the start.

still, here you are—sitting in his bed, in the quiet of his room, the familiar hum of the city outside reminding you of how little time you really have left with him.

his suitcase is by the door, already half-packed, his jersey draped over the chair where he’d left it, as if he couldn't get out of here fast enough.

you’re almost sick to your stomach at the thought of him walking out that door in just a few days, never looking back.

you’ve spent enough time with him to know that when he leaves, he doesn’t look back. he doesn't look back at stadiums once he walks out, and he wouldn't look back at you either.

"it’s only a few months," he’d said, trying to make you feel better when the topic of him leaving first got brought up. “i’ll be back before you know it.”

but that’s not the point.

it’s never been the point.

you know he’ll be busy with games, traveling, sponsors,...women, all the things that make him too far to reach.

and yet, here you are, sitting in his bed, heart pounding, overwhelmed with the thought of it all ending. you thought you could handle this.

you thought you could be just another notch in his belt. but the truth is, you’ve been fooling yourself. you care too much. you’ve fallen for him, hard, and the worst part is—he doesn’t even realize it.

or maybe he does. maybe he’s known all along, and you were too scared to admit it.

the sound of his voice pulls you from your thoughts.

"hey, you okay?"

you glance over at him, watching him fiddle with his phone, one hand propped up on the headboard. his eyes meet yours, something in them that almost makes you believe he could stay. maybe, you're enough of a reason for him to stay where he is now.

but he won’t. you know that. his life is bigger than you. bigger than this city, this bed, and every memory you’ve shared together.

you nod, forcing a smile, trying to keep the strange bitterness from slipping into your voice.

"yeah, just thinking."

"don’t think too much." his lips curl up into that calming grin that’s made you feel better on several occasions. how could something that used to calm you make you feel like your heart was in your throat? “you’ll drive yourself crazy.”

it’s easy for him to say that. he’s used to moving on. he’s used to leaving. you? you're used to him being here.

his fingers tap absently against the screen of his phone. you can see the notifications lighting up—his agent, a few teammates, probably his parents, all reminding you of the inevitable: he’s leaving soon.

you want to scream. you want to ask him why he doesn’t care. why it’s so easy for him to slip away from everyone who loves him.

but instead, you pull your knees to your chest and keep your eyes fixed on him, as if the longer you look, you could magically gain telepathy to make him want to stay with you.

"how’s your flight looking?" you ask, hoping his answer would be that he cancelled it.

"all set."

and you can't breathe.

the casualness in his voice is what stings the most. the way he talks about leaving as if it’s just another day at the office, another game to be played.

he doesn’t get how you feel. maybe he can’t. maybe he’s just too busy not feeling anything.

The silence is deafening.

"do you... do you ever wish you could just stay?"

It’s a question you didn’t mean to ask, but it escapes before you can stop it.

You wish you could take it back the second it leaves your lips.

he looks up at you, and for the briefest moment, his eyes soften. for one second, he looks like he is completely and utterly yours.

he sets his phone down, sliding it onto the bedside table, then turns his full attention to you.

"i told you, didn’t i? love doesn’t come before soccer."

The words hit you like a train, but it’s not the truth that hurts—it’s the way he says it, like it’s not up for debate. as if it’s always been this way, and it always will be.

why can't he just try? just try to come home every so often...to you.

you feel like a fool. as if you've put your heart on display for him just to not even glance your way.

you know where you stand, even if it’s tearing you apart.

he doesn’t lie to you, doesn’t promise you things he can’t give, and maybe that's why you fell for him in the first place—he was the first person who didn’t play games with you.

"i’m gonna miss you," you say quietly, knowing that admitting it aloud makes it even worse.

his eyes flicker with something, but it’s gone as quickly as it came. he shifts, pulling his knees up to match yours, as if to say he’s close, but still so far. he rests his head back against the headboard.

and for a moment, you almost forget he’s leaving. you forget about the suitcase by the door. you forget about the plane ticket he has. you forget that in just a few days he wont be yours anymore.

"i’ll miss you too," he says softly.

but that’s it. that’s all he says. it’s not a promise, not a declaration. just another passing remark to fill the silence.

he doesn't mean it. it's more of a kindness thing for him to say it back.

you can feel the weight of everything unsaid.

you realize—he doesn’t know how much you care. He can’t understand you.

he’s never been asked to stay.

you’re not even sure you’d want him to. you can’t ask him to change his life for you. and you couldn't keep up with the lifestyle he lives.

the idea of him walking away—of losing him to something bigger, to something you’ll never be able to keep—feels like it will break you.

so you just lie down on his bed, for the last time, you tell yourself.

'after tonight, he'll be free of me'

after tonight, you'd walk out that door and not look back.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ITOSHI RIN, nagi seishiro, SAE ITOSHI, isagi yoichi, RENSUKE KUNIGAMI

⋆.˚✮🎧✮˚.⋆ ' to leave the warmest bed i've ever known ' ⋆.˚✮🎧✮˚.⋆

[ + your faves ! ]

again, i've never experienced this, so i hope the research i've done (looking up different types of situationships) has done it justice!

likes, comments, and reblogs appreciated!

[krispycreamcake]

Reiji's perfect gift

From author: I'm gonna try just a tiny different writing style today sooo enjoy

Edit: I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF OH MY GODDDDDDD I POSTED THIS BY ACCIDENT AND TRIED TO CNP IT BEFORE I DELETED IT BUT IT ONLY GOT LIKE ONE SENTENCE. I AM LEAVING THE EARTH.

"Mmmm... That's- hnng- good..." I grunted out in relief as I felt their gentle fingers easily glide across my aching muscle, pulling and tugging until I could no longer hold in my voice. Just the feeling of them on my skin made me instantly fall into a state of relaxation and pleasure.

Once they were done, I rose up from the bed and rolled my shoulders. "Thank you, I do appreciate it." The words left my mouth as if butter had been smeared all over my lips. I turned around to face them, looking into their eyes. I wish I could've stayed longer but I had important duties that couldn't be dismissed.

Truth be told, I've been certainly stressed out these past few days with the events father had planned for us. Convincing my no good brothers was hard enough as it is to attend, but making sure they don't make a fool of the Sakamaki name would be the harder issue at play.

"Reiji? You're kinda zoning out, you ok?" I heard their voice and immediately snapped my attention back to them. I cupped their face with a gloved hand and grazed their cheek with my thumb. "It's nothing you should be worrying about. I'm just focusing on making sure everything turns out the way father expects it to." They quirk an eyebrow at me before giggling.

"What's so funny?" I ask. "Well if things turn out the way he expects it to, then wouldn't that be a disaster?" I grin as the joke registers to me. As much as I do appreciate the humour, it was just another reminder that without me, this family would completely fall apart.

"I suppose you're right. Truly I couldn't imagine them being on any kind of behaviour, so it'll be hard to make sure they're even on their best one." They look at me a bit despondent as if they know what has to happen now. "Goodnight. I do hope you have a good rest, if you need me, you know where to find me."

I watch as their hands grab onto mines, not saying a word. It would be so easy to ignore what must be done and just stay here with them, but I'm afraid that that's just not in my character. "Don't look so troubled, you'll feel my fangs soon enough."

"I watch as their expression changes from one of surprise to embarrassment. What a predictable human. "I assume that's why you're so against letting me go no?" As their unbelievable fibs reach my ears, I can't help but think about how I'm only wasting more time. I say my farewells and immediately head to the game room to check on my brothers.

"Really Ayato, you never fail to disappoint me." I watch as he freezes in his spot, pool table clutched in hand. "Shit.... Reiji." I sigh before crossing my arms. "I don't expect anything from you other than to slack off, but even then you prove to me time and time again that you cannot be trusted with anything. You can't even set an example for your younger brothers! You agreed to come to the gathering and claimed that you had read the event's guidelines, yet here you are lazing off and playing games! You understand the severity of your situation don't you? Of all of us? We are to present the family's greatest accomplishments over the years and yet we have nothing to show for it."

I fix my glasses as my voice grows Stern and tense. "Tch- why don't ya take that damn stick outta your ass and have fun for once? Isn't today supposed to be your special day?" If I didn't have more important things to attend to, I'd slap that imprudent little boy across his face. Where does he honestly get the audacity to speak to me of all people like that?

"You know that as vampires, our birthdays are rather pointless and tiresome to celebrate. I am not some weak mortal that needs to be pitied for having gained another year to my age. Kanato, your advanced math class is having a meet-up tomorrow, you will be attending. Laito, I've arranged for you to be giving a tour in the demon world where you'll be teaching others about our history and culture, all your notes and resources are on your desk. Ayato, you have been designated to attend tomorrow's ball along with Subaru. You all have your work cut out for you so I don't expect anyone to be slacking off."

They luckily knew I wasn't asking but still, neither seemed pleased to be bossed around. "I think I'd rather die than have an old guy like you tell me what to do you know." Laito spoke with firm determination, I could see it in his face and sense it in his voice, no matter how smooth of a tone he may put on.

"These are not my wishes, I am simply carrying out our duties and making sure you low-lives don't drag the Sakamaki name through mud." I quickly spat back at him. Why must they oppose every single thing I say? I'm doing this for them! I sigh before taking my leave.... Until I heard Kanato murmur something under his breath.

I snapped my head towards him. "Speak up, it's rude to mumble, you're no longer a child anymore Kanato." I watched as Kanato looked at the floor, fiddling with that teddy bear of his before finally speaking up with such dead eyes.

"Teddy and I think that you should just leave if everything's such a bother to you.... You don't care about us anyway, but I can't say that we all don't feel the same! Uuu..... You want to abandon us, leave us here to rot!" I was almost taken aback before Kanato started to sniffle and cry like a child that lost its mother.

I once again adjusted my glasses before giving them all a stern look. I head back to my room to review the letters we received after a certain good-for-nothing let them stack up without informing anyone that they were delivered in the first place.

Just as I climbed the stairs, I immediately noticed that they were there. Watching perhaps? Sometimes I just don't know what's going on with that person after it seems like I have everything figured out. "It's highly unbecoming to ease drop on other's conversations."

I chuckle as I watch them jump in surprise. I grabbed their hand before giving their wrist a slap with my index and middle fingers. They wince at the jolt of pain before yanking their arm away. But something wasn't right.... Their usual playful stature in moments like these, was replaced with what I could only concur as annoyance and anger.

"Is something the matt-" My ears were immediately assaulted by a loud berating. "How could you not tell me it was your birthday??? Are you insane?? We spent the entire day doing nothing! I could've made you a cake or something or- or I don't know! Get you a present at least! You told me 'not to worry about it' when I asked because it didn't matter!"

My face drops and I feel exasperation creep up on me. "Is that what this is all about? I believe you heard my explanation when I was speaking to Ayato, I won't repeat myself because you refuse to listen to anything that isn't what you want to hear. I've explained before that I'm busy, so if you don't mind, I'll be taking my leave."

I walk past them before things could escalate more. I tried to remain as composed as I could but everyone seemed to be additionally unintelligent today. Truth be told, I couldn't care less! My birthday? Ha..... What a joke, it should be forgotten and buried with that woman.

I turn the knob on my door and see my room in the state of a pigsty. I hurriedly closed the door as it let out a small slam. "Hm, it seems I've let this place get the best of me. I don't have time for tidying right now..... I need to-" I don't know what overtook me, or perhaps I did, but I slid down the wall and thre my head back, tears streaming down my face. What a fool I've been, running around catering to others and I shut them out when they try to do the same.

"Yes?" I look down to see them... But not just them. The triplets are outside as well and Subaru even. A warm yellow glow was radiating off of their face. Candles that were stuck inside a strawberry shortcake.... My eyes grew wide as I realized. I didn't say a word as I opened the door for all of them to come in. Ayato was the second to bolt inside holding a bottle of wine.

It's that damn person's fault! Ever since they got here, they've made my life hell! Their outrageous tendencies to check in on me, to care for me, to hold me! How could they..... Make me see my own flaws, make me feel this way? I hear a knock on the door and immediately stand up, drying my eyes and taking a second to breathe before opening it.

"Happy birthday dear Reiji~ happy birthday to you!" I unintentionally gave a small smile as I listen to all their uneven voices try to sing in harmony, it was absolutely awful. But I can't say I didn't enjoy it nonetheless. "Thank you all.... And I'm assuming this was your idea?" I asked them.

They tried to be humble but I knew they really enjoyed the praise they got from me. I opened the bottle of wine and poured everyone a glass, using the ones I keep locked away in my room. They all seemed surprised to see me bringing them out.

I can't remember how many drinks we'd all had, but when they kissed me.... I can't explain it. It was more sweet than any blood that I've ever tasted, more delicate than the finest of pastries. In fact, if it wasn't for that kiss, I don't think I'd recall that night at all.

I feel a presence behind me and before I could see who it was, they left. The only thing to indicate that there was someone there in the first place, was a small store bought card with the words 'happy birthday' written on it in an ugly font with bright colours. "Hmph, you really are good for nothing."

[profmagix]

absolutely loved this post!!!! i decided to also try this out with the few songs that weren't done because all of the rest are wonderfully explained already !!!!!! hope you don't mind

providence: the rythm and beat feels very much jophiel like, but the lyrics are quite azazel-esque.... "Oh my weary soul / We've met your kind before / Set fire to us all / And oh sweet providence / Come save us from ourselves / From Hell and consequence" Azazel mentioning how all the demons were cast out by the 'angels', but oh, Jophiel is a sweet providence that is too nice to do that; he would save him and every demon from Hell if he could.... Thinking about s2 and how it might go and . crying already

i'm too good: this might be a reach from me, but i feel this is just Jophiel trying to convince themselves that they're good as an angel, but at some point they start doubting themselves since no other angel seems to have two braincells to maybe help humanity out! And not only is he proving to himself that he is still an angel and great, he is proving to Azazel that even after all the 'lies' and whatever he has done, he still is an angel "I don't have secrets, I'm so clean / But that don't mean that you should trust me / I'm your angel, I'm a peach / But where you're looking you won't find me" or " 'Cause everybody wants to slaughter me, and / I just can't focus enough to understand / I am the greatest at what I do" HOWEVER, you can also easily argue this song for an Azazel POV! Those same lyrics can be used for Azazel actually just repeating Jophiel's words to himself to reassure him that he is great, a kind demon that works alongside Her plan; like a little exercise in self-confidence!! Especially this lyrics where it says: "At least I can pretend until my life is through, oh / I'm going straight to hell anyway" my love mine all mine: Azazel talking about having lost mostly everything in his life, his grace, his old eyesight, and other stuff that might have been important in a past life... But he still has the feeling of love that is his, and he can cherish feeling it because 'no demon can feel love' and yet he still is feeling it in his heart... It's all his, it's still his despite everything.

the fruits: THIS ONE GOES HARD, IT'S CRAZY! Azazel talking about all the deeds he has done that are not worthy of an 'angel' title from Jophiel, and in the chorus almost repeating words that Jophiel would have said to them.... It's wow

curses: i know it may be a cop out just saying every song is just AZAZEL POV, but you cannot fault me for that. it's just azazel is so :(( (/pos), with lyrics like "Oh ashes, ashes, dust to dust / The devil's after both of us / Oh, lay my curses out to rest / Make a mercy out of me" or "All my aching bones are trembling / And I may yet fall apart / Won't you stay with me, my darling / When the war starts in my heart?" but, like you can argue that 'i'm too good' is both povs, you CAN do it here too. Jophiel saying that he might have cursed Azazel, causing the so told 'curses' that Azazel has to forgive Jophiel for. and this war in Jophiel's heart? After he confesses his feelings to Azazel... Will they want to stay with them to be fighting as an 'us'?

Knives and Kim: this is just Azazel and Jophiel trying to find each other's rythm, so a 'you go too fast for me, Jophiel' doesn't happen again, Azazel on the bass setting the tone while Jophiel will follow along and even add maybe some little favours along, only for Azazel to feel confident enough to actually lead with the advancements towards the end too :) ready now: AUGH WHEN I TELL YOU!!!!! THIS SONG FEELS SO SOFT LIKE AZAZEL IT'S incredible how well this song fits their friendship too (this song is an overall good friendship song but for THEM????) Jophiel throughout the song assuring Azazel that he'll be there for them no matter what, and then the demon remember the world 'has a plan', and then "You said "I will listen, tell me it all / You don't like the ending? / Then we'll find one that's yours" / Oh, how did you know? / That's all we need? / A promise of hope / Is enough to feel free" Jophiel would reassure Azazel that if the world ending isn't suited to their needs, they could both change it; the plan is ineffable and if no one is stopping them as of now, who is to say it isn't Her plan too? And also saying that 'I'm ready now' is such an important gesture, it almost parallels 'I'll give you a lift, anywhere you want to go' and 'You can't take me anywhere I want, besides you go too fast for me Jophiel'; because Azazel is ready for Jophiel to give them a lift, and maybe not Heaven, but to a Ritz. Maybe to a park. Because in that moment, Hoping is enough to feel Free. [ALSO THE PART " Something new, something strange / Ten feet taller, I had changed I believe you, I'm not wrong / Oh, it suits me to feel strong" is sooo cute, Jophiel would say that Azazel is suited to be strong ;') ]

@asleepyy so sorry for tagging u twice in one day and i hope im not bothering u with my brain rot 😅

but yes, i did actually dissect the lyrics. yes, i am actually insane. and yes, i love this au quite a lot.

here are my notes and what i think each song represents, tho its mainly just the vibes i get. i made notes as i listened to them (note: i see songs almost always in animatic form. idk if that will effect how i imagine what each song means, but i thought it might be worth mentioning)

join me as i lose my mind over the course of an hour and a half

say what you think: def making me think of them both in heaven and jophiel wanting to ask questions.

running up that hill: AHH this one hurt. very obvious as well. jophiel seeing that azazel shouldnt be a demon. "And if I only could I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get Him to swap our places." i am sobbingggg

what difference does it make?: at first i was going to say its jophiel wanting to figure out what went wrong but azazel makes them promise not to, but i think its better suited for azazel understanding hes a demon, but he cant help but still have faith in the almighty

please please please let me get what i want: fuckkk is this about azazel being a demon but still wanting to do good 😭 short but still painful

ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've): my first reaction to the title alone was like the second image of the kambucha girl meme. anyway i think this one is about them becoming friends (or more?? 👀) but knowing its seen as wrong. "And if I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you and that's worse" makes me also think of jophiel talking to the metatron and realizing he shouldnt ask about azazel lest he risk the poor thing being smited.

nothing critical: ohhhh this one gives hella vibes of jophiel not trusting heaven and knowing "something isnt right here" in regards to the fall-- HOLD UP "I know, someone had to go, If not him it'd be me instead" HELLO??? aziraphale asking for jophiel??? is this like after he finds out what azazels name used to be??

flowers never bend with the rainfall: hmm... i feel like this is a plot point song. not sure why. but "And I hide behind the shield of my illusion" makes me think it pertains to azazel

bird in space: oh this ones a bit tricky. i think ive reached the songs that no longer fit the lore we've been given thus far. so the only thing i can think rn is jophiel enjoying earthly pleasures? not rlly sure

angel, won't you call me?: oh fuckkk is this about a fight they have? "I fled at the face of my rival. When I felt his breath at the back of my neck. Angel, won't you call?" theres no way that isnt about azazel saying smth and then leaving, only to be scared he severed his tie to the only person thats been nice to him.

the stranger: first of this is a bop and im loving it. very groovy. the first thing that comes to mind is the "choose your faces wisely" prophecy. ooo is this about jophiel trying to convince azazel hes still meant to be an angel? that he wasnt meant to fall? also, the last verse is sticking out to me... not sure why

all i think about now: fuckkkkk this is giving me the vibes of jophiel finding out azazel Fell cuz of him and feeling guilty about it. "If I'm late, can I thank you now?" FUCKING OW?? oh yeah for sure this is about jophiel finding out and being sucker punched with guilt

ill be your mirror: oh goddd this song. i know crowley listens to this song but i cant remember what its about so lets see. AH SHIT YEAH THATS RIGHT. okay so jophiel reminds azazel that he is inherently good, regardless of if hes a demon. thats what im getting from this (also just tihnking of that ask i sent about the reflective sunglasses bthwjegkrw)

me and my husband: okay all im getting from this is "they r down bad". they r very very very much in love. getting vibes of this being after they stop the apocolypse. or maybe their feelings developing thru the centuries

time in a bottle: oh man this song always gets me. okay so, this and the last song r giving the oh-shit-i-might-be-in-love vibes. but this one is with jophiel's pov, while me and my husband is azazel's

ritz note: the last couple songs have been cute and lovey and i am now terrified of what the next ones r gonna be. cuz i know this fandom. and i am not ready for the pain. i am afraidddd

lonesome town: i fucking called it i knew the happy wouldnt last 😭😭 they had a fight didnt they. yeahhh they had a fight. FUCK why is this so sad but so pretty

across the universe: is this one sad too??? hang on theres a bit thats not in english, what does that mean... "Hail to the Heavenly Teacher." okay so i assume this is an azazel song. this is just making me think of the bookshop fire, but its azazel thinking jophiel died 😭 ....i am staring at the lyircs. i am glaring at the lyrics. this song MEANS something. i just dont know what. but its important. im squinting at it very hard (note: i came back to this song and am STILL glaring at it. its like. its like im seeing it covered in sand but i know theres gold underneath. i cant SEE the gold, but i know its there. this is driving me nuts /pos)

no wonder i: hm.. im not rlly sure with this one. OH?? is this azazel finding out heaven isnt that good?? "Suddenly I'm not so sure. That intentions can be pure." hmmmmmmm

what do they know?: holy shit okay this is a completely different kind of song than the others. im.... glaring at these lyrics too. feels like a plot point but cant tell what it is. i think its about jophiel? maybe heaven too?? idk im grasping at straws with this one

sea of love: oh yay a happy song again 😌 okay this is just short and sweet. gives me forgiveness and/or confession vibes.

who are you, really?: this one sounds important and i am glaring!! makes me think of "we dont need heaven we dont need hell" and also "a demon/angel that goes along with hell/heaven as far as he can". also just makes me think of jophiel speaking.

the moon will sing: i fucking love this song but i dont think ive ever looked at the lyrics so lets goooo. right away i see "I could have been anyone, anyone else. Before you made the choice for me" and think of aziraphale asking and falling for jophiel, and in a way making the choice of jophiel staying an angel. "Instead, I made a bed with apathy" jophiel trying not to care about a random demon. "I shine only with the light you gave me" jophiel giving azazel ideas on how to do "good" while being "bad". also with that line, thinking of azazel saying that to god and being sad about having fallen AUGHH i have a whole animatic in my head with this song and im losing my mind

matephor: hnnnn another important sounding song. jophiel vibes. fight song perhaps?? "Don't look too hard 'cause you won't like the scars he left in me" azazel vibes??? this one is elusive to me but i love it. okay im slowly getting more azazel vibes. like azazel trying to convince jophiel that he is a demon and fell for a reason

providence: right away getting "heaven and hell r bad" vibes. OHH okay okay this is giving me hella jophiel vibes, but specificly snarky and sassy jophiel vibes. of being like "oh yes heaven is oh so great, we kill children! but its for the greater good, of course. gotta beat hell and all that, even at the cost of innocents. all for the almighty and her ineffable plan." (this song is a bop omg)

earth angel: oh i know this one but only with crowley and aziraphale, so im excited to listen to it with an oopsie omens mind set. omg wait why does it hit HARDER. love sick azazel is such a cute image 🥺🥰

what more can i do: hmm.. them being in love but knowing its "forbidden"? cant tell who i imagine with it more

starman: this is just them. classic good omens song, regardless of the au. love to see it 💖

a pearl: AH FUCK ANOTHER SAD ONE. mitski whyy. hm.. azazel song? jophiel?? i think jophiel... tho my mind might be turning to mush at this point so im not sure. one of them is sad

duvet: oh def azazel vibes. oh maybe some jophiel vibes too?? i can see it swaping povs. i think it fits azazel more tho.

ritz note: OKAY the next song is in a different language and for a split second i legit thought i was having a stroke when i pulled up the lyrics ngl bgkewrrkjq

différent de toi: no idea what this song is about but its pretty 😊

oh thats all of them! i think the first half is more coherent observations, while the second half is just... rambling a bit lmao. idk if any of this makes sense. i might also be looking for things that arent there with these songs, but oh well. this was fun!

and now, after looking back at them all, i really does just slowly derail near the end lmao

[sofiaaaaaaaa03]

Comms

Title: Comms

Pairing: Din Djarin x GN! Teen reader

Word Count: 2.6k

Rating: PG

Warning: Cursing, mention of wounds, blood, scared Mando.

Description: In an unexpected raid, Din finds himself unable to find his foundlings and searches for them.

Request: Hey! I love your stories and thought that I would submit a request myself. So this is about Din having a teen foundling/adopted child. They’ve known each other for a little over a year now and even if they don’t show it a lot they’ve grown attached to each other. So this particular story would be about the foundling nearly dying and Din being a scared Dad (I hope you get what I’m going for. Kind of a fluff/Angst story with comforting afterwards😅)

A/N: I'm so sorry this took forever to write, I've been travelling and my computer has been messing up so I have not had time to write at all. Anyways, here it is! I hope it's to your liking. It took me awhile for inspiration to hit but I am pretty happy with how it ended up. Enjoy!

....

“Okay kid, what do we do when we get in trouble?”

“Call for help and signal our location.”

Call for help and signal your location. That was all you were supposed to do, the one rule Din gave for you before he took you along with him anywhere outside of the safety of the Razor Crest. He considered himself lucky that you rarely wandered off without letting Din know where you were going, and that you always seemed to be able to handle most dangerous situations on your own. Maybe it was because you fretted to be too much of a bother for Din, seeing as he took you in almost a year ago when he could have easily left you. Din didn’t see it that way, if he was honest. You were valuable to the group, taking care of Grogu and the ship when Din could not, and he believed it his duty to protect all on the ship. Only once or twice did you call for him, and he was quick to come to your aid.

He did not think that today would be the day where his timing risked your life.

The Mandalorian found himself aiding a local trading village with a raider issue in exchange for information about a bounty he’d been pursuing. He’d led a group of men over to what they’d suspected to be the raider’s hideout and set up for an ambush. The Entrance of the cave’s dunes felt barren, and only after the mens’ legs grew sore from crouching and backs ached from huddling in the dark was it that Din began to suspect something was wrong. The quiet environment was abnormal behavior to the raiders he’d encountered before, no doubt this specific group would be any different.

“They’ll see you!”

Startling the men surrounding him, Din shot into the air and stalked the vicinity. The dunes’ walls stretched for meters long as he kept his piece raised, occasionally scanning weak spots for life forms or any piece of equipment. He paused, frowning a moment when his scanner detected nothing.

That was the first sign that things weren’t going as planned that day.

“...hiss…”

“...m..do... v.llage... here…”

There was the second.

Din raised his arm to speak into his comms.

“Y/N?” Nothing but static came back from the comms. Din fidgeted and smacked it a couple times before grunting in frustration.

Damn, comms were jammed.

Wait, they were jammed.

And in a moment of a horrible realization, Din was quick to grab the men and make their way back to the village. When they arrived they found the village in chaos- buildings were burning, villagers running, and materials and pieces and bodies strewn across the ground. For a moment, Din froze in fear and worried that you were on the ground as well, your comms still ringing static and Grogu taken from you, lost to the raiders, or worse, the Empire.

Din quickly made his way throughout the village, barely rounding the first corner when a group of raiders assaulted him. He threw punches at the first raider, using their momentum to kick them hard into another. After several dodges and shots from his blaster, most of them were dead aside from one that laid on the ground and clutched his blasted leg.

Din marched over and pressed his blaster against the wound. “Where are the hostages being held?”

As it turned out, the raiders had no plan of keeping hostages. When Din finally tracked the building where captives were supposedly held, he was unable to remain collected when he found that you and Grogu were nowhere to be found. Instead, he stood before raiders responsible for the attack, their blasters disturbingly put away as they argued amongst one another. Din didn’t bother listening, he looked around but saw no sign of his foundlings.

“Wrong door.” He said simply before taking out his blaster and shooting the raiders.

Pocketing his piece Din ran out of the stronghold and went outside, calling for you and Grogu. He thought about the worst possible scenarios that could have happened to you two as he took out the raiders pillaging the village, until all but one remained, the leader. He found him in the main courtyard of the village, his face hidden though his body seethed with labored breaths. He stood there for several moments before Din heard one last labored breath before the leader’s legs buckled beneath him and he slumped to the ground with a sickening crack of skull on stone. Hm? Din didn’t know what to make of this, and further stalked over, hand on blaster, examining the body. Upon closer look a blaster wound to the stomach was made more visible. So, someone got to the leader before Din could. That leaves the question… who?

A quick look around the area pointed out a trail of blood.

The Mandalorian followed this trail without any real reason behind it.

He found the remainder of the villagers at some point along the way. Sullen masses of faces mixed together, mourning the loss of their villages and lost ones but kept busy with treating the wounded. Women sat in huddles cooking with what food was salvaged and children sat quiet. One stood out apart from the rest in Din’s eyes, a large male leaning over a group of medics. Din recognized him as Cyrukee, the villager’s chief, who noticed the lone bounty hunter from the corner of his eye and stood up. In his arms was the most beautiful thing Din had seen all day, Grogu. The baby gurgled in joy as he walked up to the chief.

“There you are.” Din didn’t realize that he was holding his breath when he sighed in relief, taking Grogu into his arms.

“Sir.” Cryukee barely got a word out before Din turned to him.

“I’m looking for a youngling- my kid. Have you seen them?”

“Sir, please.”

“They’re this tall,” Din rears a hand near to your height, “they were with this little green baby. Your husband, he took them to the school. Where is he?” The Mandalorian made a full turn around to look for the red robed headman who was last responsible for your care. He reached for his comms and tried to reach you again. His voice rang back at him, and in a terrible moment of realization he realized that that was your comms.

“Where are they?”

“Sir, let me explain.” Cyrukee wore an exasperated expression and looked as though he was about to speak before one of the medics from the group he was with requested to speak with him. He spared a glance at Din as though he struggled whether or not to say something. And then, Din followed his arm towards the medics he was just with. Din didn’t know what to make of it, not able to recognize any of them. The Mandalorian took one last look at the chief, whose grave expression gave him reason to worry, and slowly walked towards the group of medics. He buzzed through the comms, trying to pinpoint your location. As he got closer he heard medics speak in soothing voices and their patient hyperventilating. Had it not been his own voice coming from the center of the personnel he would have moved on, instead he could not find the will to move. Grogu looked at him expectantly.

One medic in particular took notice of the beskar-armored man. He and some others quickly got up and pushed Din away before he could force his way through the medics to take a look at you.

“Hey, wait-wait-please.” Din grunted at the force and staggered several steps back. He took a moment to collect himself and Grogu sneezed in his arms. Dust must have gotten into his nose during the scuffle. “Please, my ward- my kid. That’s my kid.”

“Just a moment,” one of the bloodied nurses kept her hands on Din’s chestplate longer than he would have liked. He didn’t push her away though.

��I need to see my kid.” Din looked her in the eye, hoping that she could see his desperation through his helmet.

His kid. When Din looks back on this he would think about how he’s never referred to Y/N as his own before. He would have liked to think he said that so the nurses allowed him to pass easier. But deep down, he knew it was because of how much he cared for them.

“I understand but please let me explain. Sir, Sir!” Din retreated in defeat on his second attempt to get past her and the other nurses. She stared into his eyes and patted his shoulders, Din didn’t know whether she was trying to comfort him or control his movements. “They’re traumatized enough right now, and you moving around in that armor of yours will only make it worse.”

“What happened to them?”

“They had an encounter with Jetwal,” Din’s blood boiled at the recognition of the raider’s leader who’d died before him. “according to the children, your child was leading them to the outskirts when he found them. They killed him, he was threatening the children, and they shot him. Now, listen to me. They did get injured. Several blaster wounds to their limbs and upper torso- sir, listen please I cannot allow you to go to them just yet- they’re still panicking right now but I assure you their wounds are being treated right now. They’ll be fine, but disrupting our work will only inhibit us from treating them properly.”

She watched his gaze linger to the sound of your crying. “How much longer until I can see them?”

Din was not pleased to find that he was only allowed to see you when the nurse came for him herself. Reluctantly he walked a little farther away from the medics when asked to give them more space, and sat down with Grogu bouncing on his knee next to a young Twi’lek running their hands over their lekku to soothe themselves. Between glancing at the medics to keeping Grogu entertained, Din didn’t realize how much time had elapsed before noticing the nurse had come to his side to collect him.

She took a seat next to him. “They’re hurt very badly, but with time their injuries will heal. All they need to do is rest. You can see them now.”

Grogu giggled and played with the nurse’s finger that was threateningly wiggling on his little tummy. “Can you take him for a moment?”

Din stood up and gave Grogu a pat on his little head and rubbed his large ears out of habit. Something you used to do to calm the little green alien down after a terrible meltdown. Even under his helmet Din smiled at the alien before dredging towards you. You laid on a pile of fabrics that functioned as a makeshift cot, but you looked like you had a pile of fabrics on you with the amount of bandages that wrapped your body. You didn’t notice Din approaching you as you stared straight into the sky. Din wondered what you were thinking. What could you be thinking? From his knowledge, this was your first time dealing with major injuries from blasters. It must have made this whole ordeal so much more frightening to you.

Maybe Din was too light on his feet, recoiling instantly when you jolted at his touch and groaned in pain.

“It’s me, it’s me.” His voice was soothing, even more than normal which surprised him.

A sort of wheeze escaped your lips and you coughed. “Mando.”

“Hey kid.”

“I tried calling for you.” A gasp. “They jammed the frequencies.”

“Your message barely came through, kid. But it made us realize what was going on. We got here before more damage could be done because of you.”

Your form relaxed. “Good, good. Grogu?”

“With a nurse.” “The one with the sweet voice.”

“Yeah.”

“I liked her voice-” A cough. “Sounds like my mom’s. She was nice. She helped calm me down.” At this point Din had stared at you long enough to realize how puffy your eyes were from crying. He didn’t stop himself from reaching over to brush your H/C hair out of your face. You leaned into his touch.

“I’m pretty fucked up, huh?”

Your eyes were already locked onto his when he met your gaze. A tick passed, and Din’s eyes fell to the wounds you were referring to. He shook his head. “No, kid. That’s not what you are.”

“Feels like it.” Din scowled at your words.

“There are too many fucked up people in the galaxy, kid. You´re not one of them.” You look at him with a raised brow. “Y/N, you barely have any combat experience yet you took on Jetwal? What were you thinking?”

And you said something that surprised him.

“I was thinking of you.”

And Din couldn’t find any words. He cleared his throat and you continued, “We were alone and I had no idea when you’d come, I was scared something had happened to you because I couldn’t get a hold of you through the comms and that guy was coming at us and-” You inhaled sharply, wincing at what Din assumed was a jab in one of your wounds but he didn’t know how to help. You calmed a moment later, closing your eyes and furling your brows together. “I thought about what you would have done if you were there. You always looked like you knew what to do.”

To say that Din was proud of you would have been an understatement, he was beaming wonders underneath his helmet but realized that you couldn’t see through the beskar.

“I thought I’d lost you both.” Din admitted. “But I’m very proud of you. You saved lives, Y/N. That’s no easy feat for someone of your age.”

You grinned at him and laughed. “Did you do something like this when you were my age?”

“Yes, but I didn’t end up as fucked up as you did.” “Hey!” Din laughed and raised his forearm to block your playful hits.

A moment of silence falls between the two of you before you look at Din again. “Do you know how long we’ll be here for?”

“With your injuries, no clue. I’ll talk to the medics and Cyrukee to see what is to be done.”

“Okay.” You nodded, your fingers twitching involuntarily. Din’s hands find their way to your hair again. “Mando, I’m tired.”

“Rest. I’ll be here with you.” He watches you half-heartedly nod at his words and doze off in a matter of seconds. The injuries have taken a toll on your body, Din suspects, and he pulls a sheet over you. He sits with you, watching villagers talk amongst themselves, speaks with those who come by to thank him for his help, and accepts Grogu from the nurse when she comes over, thanking her for all she’d done for you. She told him that a thank you was not owed to her, and that if you were to need anything she was only a call away.

And when he was finally left alone, Mandalorian took one look to take account for his two foundlings. They slept soundly and with luck, heads full of dreams. Most importantly, they were safe in his care once again.

Din realized he’d been holding in a breath, and exhaled a sigh of relief.

.....

Taglist:

@kiara-is-gay @pcotato @sagedgeek

[sunflowerim]

I LOVE YOU 3000!

-PART 23

Weekend 1

Louis opened the door to an extremely handsome Harry Styles holding two boxes of pizza in his hand and a nervous smile playing on his lips. His sunglasses were set in his hair and his dimples popped up as soon as he saw Louis.

"Hi."

"Hey Harry, come in."

Louis opened the door wider to let Harry come in. Harry moved inside and put his shoes in the rack by the door and looked at Louis with a questioning gaze. Louis was confused for a second before he saw Harry holding up the pizza boxes.

"Oh, just leave them on the kitchen counter", Louis said pointing across the room.

He brought pizza.

"You have a nice apartment", Harry said looking around him.

"Ha thanks. I hope you didn't have trouble finding the apartment."

"No, not at all-- Hey I hope this isn't too awkward", Harry added after a pause.

"Well it was when you suggested the plan, but you're here now, so I suppose we should get on with it."

"I guess we should."

Harry smiled and hoped that it hid all the traces of nervousness he was feeling. Was this a date? Did Louis think it was a date? Definitely no. He wasn't even on board with the idea initially. But Harry is here. He's going to watch a movie with a man he's low-key attracted too. He was too confused and his feelings were all over the place and he could only hope he didn't end up making a fool of himself.

"Well make yourself comfortable on the couch while I heat the pizzas". Louis' voice brought Harry out of his reverie and he nodded and made his way towards the couch.

Harry could hear Louis scuttle about in the kitchen as he flopped down on the couch and took in the sight around him. The apartment was decorated with fairy lights and it moved something in Harry. He smiled despite himself. A projector had been set up on the coffee table in front of him and the white screen lay a few feet away. He assumed that the television was behind it. He looked to his left to find a neatly stacked bookshelf, with fairy lights hanging off it. Beside was a small bed with blankets and curtains hung in front of the the setup with a circular table next to it. It must be Louis' reading nook. A bookworm too. Louis is full of little surprises. Overall the apartment looked so cozy that it made Harry comfortable at once. This looked like a home, a proper one, where someone could live happily, unlike his unnecessarily large one.

Soon enough Louis was standing in front of him setting the pizza boxes down on the coffee table. Before Harry could say something Louis was off again, returning this time with a bottle of wine and two glasses. Ah drinks.

Truth be told, Louis hadn't been able to resist the idea of movie, pizza and wine combo, drunken awkwardness be damned.

Louis sat across from Harry and was thinking about what to say when Harry said, "do you mind if I get some water?"

"Yeah sure it's in the fridge."

As Harry walked towards the kitchen, Louis took the moment to calm himself down. He should be regretting his decision to agree with Harry in the first place, but he was kinda glad Harry was here. I mean they could at least be friends. With that thought we stood up to put the dvd on the set everything up.

Back in the kitchen, Harry was trying to do the same thing. He'd never been this nervous around someone. He quickly opened the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. He was about to close the door when his eyes fell on a huge stash of chocolates. Harry could feel the nervousness melt in him. This was so cute. After having some water, and putting the bottle back in the fridge, he noticed a box of dog treats on the kitchen counter. Louis has a dog too! This man cannot get any cuter.

Harry walked back to the living room to see that Louis had set everything up and the movie intro started playing. The sight looked so endearing that Harry couldn't help click a picture.

Harry went back to where he was sitting, putting a careful distance between him and Louis. Harry started first.

"You have a dog?"

Louis paused the movie.

"Oh yeah. Cliff. He's asleep right now."

"Well I hope to meet him before I go."

"Sure, he'll be up soon anyway. I took him for a long run today so he's probably more tired than usual."

"How insensitive."

"Pardon me if I want to keep my dog fit and healthy."

"Ah, you're a good dad."

"I am."

Both of them smiled as a silence settled between them. Louis broke it.

"I don't know what kind of movies you usually watch but this is a bit different. You gotta focus initially so you completely get it."

"Okay, I can do that."

"Yeah, you're gonna love it. I'm actually excited."

Harry couldn't stop himself from getting endeared by how Louis was smiling so hard that the skin beside his eye was all crinkled.

The butterflies in his stomach were going crazy.

He kept looking as Louis pulled out his phone and clicked a picture of the pizza and wine on the table. Louis took a quick picture and looked at Harry.

"Do you mind if I mention your name in a tweet?"

"No. I don't mind."

"Cool."

He waited as Louis posted the picture on twitter and then checked his phone. A smile spread on his lips as he saw the tweet.

"Let's get back to the movie, shall we?", Louis asked putting his phone down and nodded with a smile.

The next 2 hours were pretty intense. Harry hadn't touched the pizza after one slice and was only occasionally sipping wine from his class which Louis quietly kept filling while happily gobbling down his pizza. Louis was thoroughly amused by Harry's reactions to various parts of the movie and kept thinking about how this is what he had felt too while watching 'Iron Man' for the first time as a 13 year old. And Louis would never admit that he kept glancing at Harry, every time something exciting happened.

The movie was about to end and Harry was staring wide eyed at the screen. Louis got back to the movie to catch the last scene, his favourite one,

"Truth is... I am Iron Man."

Louis turned his head sideways when he heard a sharp intake of breath. Harry's jaws had dropped, mouth forming an 'o' and he was staring wildly at the screen.

"Wtf just happened. He admitted!! He admitted HE was Iron Man. OH MY GOD."

"Yes Harold, he did. And that's how began one of the greatest movie franchise."

"No shit."

"Haha, are you okay."

"No, I'm shook. And hungry. God why didn't I eat the pizzas."

"Have at them. I'll go check on Cliff."

"Yweah", Harry managed to say with mouthful of pizza.

Louis smiled and walked towards the end of the hall where Cliff was sound asleep. He knelt down beside Clifford's rug and scratched behind his ear. Clifford stirred a little and then slowly opened his and soon enough jumped on Louis.

From the living room, Harry could hear happy "woofs" and a short yelp mixed with laughter which sounded like Louis'. Harry turned around just in time to see Louis walking in and a very excited Clifford at his feet. Clifford soon ran towards Harry and stopped at his feet. Harry extended one of his hands for Clifford to shake raised another one to pet him. Clifford sniffed at Harry's hands, gave a loud bark and walked away. Harry stared in dismay and Louis couldn't help laughing.

"Don't worry. It's probably the pizza."

"Huh?"

"Your hand. It smells like pizza. And I've noticed on multiple occasions that he doesn't like the smell of pizza sauce."

"Oh my bad, I'll quickly wash my hands."

Harry reached out to grab the empty boxes but Louis stopped him.

"Leave them to me."

Harry stood up and went to wash his hands in the kitchen sink, while Louis put the empty boxes in the trash.

As Harry was wiping his hands, Louis handed him a bowl of treats to offer to Clifford as a sign of peace.

Harry cautiously made his way across the room where Clifford had settled happily in front of the reading corner and was chewing a ball.

"Clifford hey, look what got for you."

The familiar smell of treats seemed to interest Clifford and he sniffed Harry's extended hand.

This time he let out a soft bark and started wagging his tail happily as Harry fed him the treats.

Louis watched as Harry played and talked with Clifford and petted him. It was an adorable sight. Well Clifford's always been a friendly dog and he certainly made Harry happy today.

Harry turned back to see Louis already looking at him and smiled softly as he got up from his crouched position.

"Well I suppose I should leave now" Harry said, still smiling softly.

"I guess." Louis hoped his voice didn't reveal the twinge of sadness he was feeling at Harry's departure.

"I had fun today."

"Me too."

"You're a good host."

"I've been told likewise."

"So, I'll see you next week?"

"Yeah definitely."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Harry proceeded towards the door, Louis following close behind. Harry stopped right in front of the door and turned around, "Louis can I text you on iMessage from now? Twitter feels too formal."

"Harry, you've been to my house. We just watched a movie together. Yes, you can text me on iMessage", Louis laughed.

"Cool." Harry turned towards the door again.

Louis held the door for Harry and just when he was about to close it,

"And Lou-"

"Yeah?"

"Blue suits you."

"Oh-", Louis' cheeks heated up, "thanks."

"Bye," Harry smiled.

"Bye," Louis replied and closed the door behind him hoping that Harry hadn't seen the blush on his face.

But Harry had, and his butterflies were happy.

PREVIOUS / NEXT

INTRO

[mami-koppe]

Desperate - Dabi x Reader

This is my first fic ever in this fandom pls be gentl. no beta reader WE DIE LIKE SCUM. Also please note that english is not my native language so if you find something wrong *please* point it out 👀 Enjoy!

TW: smut, angst, mentions of drug use and abortion, violence, yadda yadda. aaa

Cyan eyes open up, alarmed and scared and anxious, only relaxing when following the rise and fall of the lump under the white comforter set just beside him. He knows he shouldn't be here; he's had a few more nightmares about a fellow villain finding out about your existence than he was comfortable with. In his dreams they would tear down your house, break the heirloom grandfather clock in your hallway, ravage all the cabinets and drawers (maybe they would find that picture of him under your Christmas-decorated pine tree, the only proof you had of his existence intermingled with yours, and you thought you hid it oh so well but Dabi's far more smarter than that). A shiver runs down his spine and he breaks a sweat when he imagines if Overhaul was the one raiding your apartment. The yakuza boss would most likely delight himself in breaking and putting you back together, again and again, only so he could leave in your bedroom wall a myriad of blood splatters for Dabi to find and grieve for. Chisaki would make sure he wouldn't even have a body to bury. Maybe if he was feeling lucky, not even a brick of your house would be intact, your whole life only resisting in Dabi's memory.

He wishes he could be honourable and selfless enough to say that's the main reason he never bothered to officialise your relationship; but even greater than the fear of coming home and finding your body reduced to a pulp, is the fear of being vulnerable (yet again). He kinda cares about you, yes, he can say that much, and anyone who has met you for more than 15 minutes know that you're in deep. He's not that emotionally stunted. But he's jaded enough to know that caring is a concept with many translations and definitions, and if you so happened to have a different one than he did, specially if that concept involved controlling and screaming and fighting and black bruises all over his back while his skin burned off at every flash of his quirk painfully taking over his body ... He couldn't just sit down and wait to find out.

Also, you seem pretty fine with this arrangement. He has a knack this has less to do with letting him roam free range, and far more with knowing that as soon as you express the need to define the feelings that have grown stronger and stronger for over three years, he will be out the door to never come back. And that simply won't do.

Almost as sensing his distress, you wake up and wrap both your arms around his neck. He tenses for a fraction of second, then relaxes, reaching out for the cigarette pack you leave in the nightstand just for him.

_ "What's on your mind, babe? You seem real distracted. I know you're usually kinda emo but that much brooding just isn't you. Are you okay? Perhaps you're having... cravings again? Did something happen? Was it crusty fuck again? If he tried to decay your face again, I'm so gonna fuck him up..." You run his fingers through his coarse hair, trying to show your adoration while lightly pressing your lips to his jaw and he shudders both from your ministrations and the mentions of his past cravings.

_ "...Whoa whoa whoa, calm down princess. Why are you even awake? It's still really fucking early for so many questions. One would think you would be out like a light by now, since we had so much fun last night, but guess I haven't fucked you hard enough if you still have half a mind to think about all that, dollface. And fuck you, I'm not emo." – he stops, cringing at his out-of-nowhere flirting and vague answers, hoping you don't see right through his crude words, thrown around in case you haven't noticed he's been shaking for the last 20 minutes.

Please don't notice. Please let it go. Please don't point it out.

_ "...Yeah, maybe you're right. But I should be asking you the same, it's 2am and you still got the energy to lewd me. And YES you are emo and well fuck you too. Forget I asked anything, love, if you want to we can talk about that tomorrow morning. Can't afford to be tense when tomorrow's gonna be such a long day, right? So what do you say about letting me tire us both out so we can finally have a full cycle of sleep?", you say, and in that moment he knows that you know.

The sudden pause in your sleep ridden speech tells that you have at least an idea that he's not fine in the slightest, but decided to just ignore it, knowing that your black haired lover wouldn't want to talk about it anyway. So you lift a leg just above his hipbone to pull him closer to your hot, warm core, both of you still naked and spent from your previous lovemaking, one of the few displays of affection he's completely comfortable with.

He runs his hands all over your sides, commiting them to his memory (just in case common sense comes to you without knocking and you finally leave him); suddenly his hands find your hair and tug at your nape, pulling your neck back to find his charred lips. Your smells mingle together, and it's all a blur of smoke, sandalwood, scotch and black pepper.

You kiss him, bringing his mouth towards yours with fervor, while slowly stroking his manhood, pausing around his tip, smearing his precum on your mouth with your fingers (you know he loves seeing you covered in him, and after all these years he wouldn't man up and admit it freely, so you tease him to no end). He can't find it in himself to be rough to you tonight, but it seems you have different plans because it doesn't look like you'll be patient enough for foreplay; and in a blink you are tangled in a mess of sheets and legs and sweat, him sliding swiftly into your heat, appreciating the drag of his swollen tip inside your pussy, going in and out roughly, the fast paced rythm of your skin slapping together only stopping when you feel the familiar head rush of your impeding orgasm and the sensation of his white hot seed spilling deep inside your throbbing center.

His low moans fill the room as he feels you tightly clenching around him; you cannot follow him in his vocal declarations due to being physically incapable of screaming anymore, a mix of pleas and gasps falling out your lips as he bottoms out and groans your name, fucking his cum deeper inside of you. The space between your foreheads close, both heavily panting near each others mouths, following a kiss that's way too sweet considering your personalities.

For a moment, he kinda wants to say those damned three words, but he will be dead before he makes a fool of himself like that, so he kisses your forehead and pull you to his chest, helping himself to a now dreamless sleep.

-------------------------------------------------

It's one of your biggest flaws yet: you are far worse in keeping secrets than you give yourself credit for.

In the five years you spent together, he has plenty of evidence to support this case – all the gifts that were supposed to be a surprise, the job promotion you were hoping to disclose about at a movie night in your house (that said promotion tumbling out of your mouth in one of your daily, unimportant phone calls), the stray cat you tried to adopt without his knowledge (because obviously he would say no without even thinking about it, but now Tama's getting fatter and meaner than ever and Dabi lives for it), and you always said it was the other way around, that Dabi was the one who was way too good at uncovering things that he wasn't supposed to.

And in that exact moment, he wishes you were wrong, because the ripped blue cardboard box he finds forgotten in your bathroom floor just behind the toilet – probably fallen, since it's a bad habit of yours to let your shit fall all over the floor and eventually forget to pick it up – looks too much like the ones he would see in drugstores and at that time Shigaraki made him work undercover for a week in a brothel to gather intel about a winged pro hero who was kind of a degenerate, and he freezes.

He sensed something wrong weeks ago, your delicious skin even more tender to the touch and your face perpetually stuck in a barely concealed frown. He tried to ask you what's the matter a few times, before finally granting you the same leniency given to him when he was having a bad day and wanted to be left alone.

Now the only things going through Dabi's head is "why didn't she tell me", "wasn't she on birth control", "what the fuck is going on" and suddenly he understands why his – wife? girlfriend? lover? fuck buddy? SHIT – always said that some things can't just be left ignored. He never wanted to get high so much in his life.

Like a man possessed, he goes through your trash (it's not like he's not used to some dumpster diving and other unsavoury survival skills, since being a kinda prolific villain can only happen so late in life and before that, you have an empty stomach and way less standards than you'd like to), pausing when he finds what he was dreading: a fucking plastic wire, adorned with two dark pink lines. His eyes begin to blur and he can only thank so much you're at work right now so you can't hear his raging shouts ressonating around your room.

-------------------------------------------------

He does what he does best: he ignores it, simply leaving it all exactly where he found it and waits for you to come home. He helps you cook your favourite meal – you insist it's his turn to choose, but he says he's craving yours – runs you a bath, making sure to douse every crevice of your body in that cherry body wash he loves to smell in you, makes love to you until your head spins and your body is feeling almost bloated with his essence.

Can't get anymore pregnant than that, huh?

He asks about your day, and you let it all out, and every time you make that face you do when you want to tell him something important, he kisses you until you're breathless and changes the subject.

He desperately hopes you choose to keep it.

Then, after you're sleeping soundly on his naked chest, he brings out the duffel bag he hid earlier beneath his side of the bed, gets dressed, gives Tama his beloved wet food, sitting him down for a few minutes of belly rubs and leaves your home, his home, sending you a text through his burner phone that tells you too much about an undercover mission for the LOV that might last for years and none about where your relationship stands.

He's never felt so inadequate. Suddenly he hates being a villain.

He hopes you might catch the underlying forlorn tone in his words – that this is a "goodbye", not a "see you soon" – and not foolishly wait for him to come back. But he kinda knows it is unreasonable to expect you to move on and find a more loving, present person to warm your bed, put a smile on your face, a ring on your left hand, give his only child a decent attempt of a family, promise you the world and keep that promise. He leaves knowing that much.

And as you wake up in the middle of the night, with a cold bed, an empty apartment, a text and the briefest memory of Dabi lovingly kissing your midriff, you cry out for what could have been. Said text was supposed to be monotonous, robotic even, and it's so much like Dabi to go on a mission without wanting to say goodbye in person (because he's too cool for that) that normally you wouldn't even bat an eye, but you know you'll never see him again because of the words adorning the end of your screen.

I love you.

--------------------------------------------------

Yet again, Dabi's dreams haven't ever been easy on him. He jumps out of the bed, startled, as he fumbles with a bag of white pills which he spent the last year or so sneaking from your sight and angrily swallows four at once; the image of a little girl with her grandmother's hair and his azure eyes, no older than three, tightly clutching his hand and smiling. It's way too early in the morning for this shit and he can't be bothered to deal with that yet. Not sober.

Papa, look! I've drawn us today at school! I've made sure you look cool enough like you asked, okay? That's you in your coat, that's mama, that's Tama and that's me!

He's not sure he should burn the image to his mind or off his mind. He still hears your stupid giggles in the back of his head (probably it doesn't help that he has been watching almost daily for the last six months that particular video of you hollering, high as a kite, when he and the LOV raided the compounds of a drug cartel that was antagonising their plans, and let's say that Dabi has come home that day with more than a few weed satchels).

Feeling the top of his head getting heavier and his eyes blurring with difficulty to focus, he clings to the porcelain sink in his hotel room, mindlessly bangs his head on the cabinet just below the small mirror until his forehead is openly bleeding – not that he can feel anything when he's like that anyway, but he DID always try – and lets himself fall to his knees, silently glaring at the floor.

He somberly notes that his blood has painted the bathroom floor a vibrant red. He hopes yours isn't painted too.

Later that day when he has already puked almost all the drugs out his system, he and Kurogiri are sent on a minor errand; some human trafficking ring leader, a former ally, was threatening to spill out their secrets and they were to break and enter, kill him swiftly and move on with their lives, no biggie. But as he steps into the compound – a shell orphanage, he notes – Dabi knows it's not going to be a normal mission. Soon as the children know the leader's dead, most of them flee, making a run for their long lost freedom; but a small group, maybe six or seven of them, stays. And usually Dabi is proud of being the nonchalant, motionless member of the party, but with the late events even he can't help to be a little horrified when he notices that children as young as four have the same eyes he had when he fled his childhood home, Ende- his house.

Children that have seen so much grief and despair they can't be bothered to exit the building, even when he irritatedly screams at them to get out already as the walls roar up in flames. They have no reason for escaping; their will to go on died way before their bodies did. He can look into their eyes and tell already that they will turn out to be like him, or worse. This would be the perfect time for a rookie wide-eyed pro hero to appear and save these innocent children just so they can grow up so emotionally damaged that they will turn to villainy, to be eventually caught and brutally murdered by the very same hero.

Dabi knows the kids will stay rooted to the same spot until they're engulfed by the flames or choked up in poisonous smoke and that's gonna take so much longer; he's already in deep shit with Shigaraki because he said "no witnesses" and so many of them have already fled, so he does what he does best – ignores the vision he has of that little girl, his little girl, embraced by the blue fire of his body as he gives the children the most quick, painless death he can think of.

Dabi's thankful that they don't bother to make a sound. He doesn't think he could stay clean for much longer if he could hear the white haired girl's voice in the squeals and pitiful sobs of the children who stayed behind.

--------------------------------------------------

He returns to his empty hotel room that day, still hearing Shigaraki's screeches ringing in his ear, and the only thing he wants to do is to swallow the whole bag of pills he still has under his mattress and doze off until he chokes up on his own vomit and doesn't wake up the next morning, but he cannot die, not yet, and that night he remembers the children's empty glares as he brings out the half full bottle of whiskey sitting besides his bed and drinks till he's tumbling unconsciously down the wall.

The morning after he wakes up a little emptier inside and his sheets are actually wet with the sweat he expelled during his goriest nightmare yet, but the possibility that yet another child is going to end like the ones he has spared killed the day before drives him mad with frustration. And then, he takes the longest steps he's ever taken in your home's direction.

-------------------------------------------------

This time, is your turn to wake up in a sweat. You can clearly hear the noise of a window lock being picked (your former lover did this way too much in the beginning of your relationship, so much you suspected that he did it for fun, even when you gave him a spare key), and the sheer panic that runs through your whole being when your brain computes it's the nursery window lock being picked, you grab the pistol Dabi gave to you after a night out with your friends almost went sour in a robbery, and runs to your newborn daughter's room. You can feel the tears gathering around your eyes, desperate to hear her make any sound – anything to know she's alive – and when you kick the door open, the gun in your hands seems heavier than it does when shooting, as soon as you reckon the black hair and blue eyes you loved (honestly, love) so much, you seem to forget how to breathe.

The father of your child is holding onto her so tightly, a pained but relieved expression on his face as he clutches her so close to his warm chest, and you feel something wet running down both your cheeks as he presses his trembling lips to her forehead, almost like he expected to find the spare room in your apartment just the way he saw last, empty and full of broken spare parts of utensils and furniture. Your daughter is not bothered at all, like she recognizes him even if she never met him before and your heart is so confused.

Is he gonna leave again?

You longed for him throughout all your pregnancy, wanting him to know he was going to be a father, wanting him to see her first sonograms, feel her first kicks but you knew Dabi could only be there when his mission was over. And you waited, even if every cell in your brain screamed at you for it, confirming what you already suspected – he's abandoned you, both of you.

He thought that maybe you would be gullible enought to believe he was gone for a few months, not the slightest intention of leaving you behind, but in that moment, he knows that you know. And as you choose to let it go once again, he feels all the weight on his shoulders disappear as you both say, in unison:

"Welcome home."

[threephasebird]

Hello friend, it's Nicole from TAD discord, so sorry for awkwardly & randomly sliding into your dms. I've noticed that you've been reblogging a lot of The Untamed recently and I have just finished The Untamed & literally cannot think about anything else. I'm obsessed. Anyway, I've also noticed from your blog that your favorite seems to be JGY and I find that *fascinating*. He's very much not my fav, but he's such a complex character that I would love to hear your thoughts & feelings & analysis?

And to be completely clear, I will never try to debate with you or say your opinions are wrong or immoral or anything. I'm not an anti, I've stanned plenty of villains in my time. I'm just genuinely curious. I think the fact that you have such different feelings about this character is part of the beauty of stories and a testament to how complex and smart this particular story is.

Hello friend! First of all, thank you for your ask -- I love talking about my fictional faves, so there’s no need to apologize at all! There are definitely people out there who have already posted much more cohesive and succinct character analysis for JGY, but I’ve sat down for a bit to find an answer to the question of why I, personally, like him so much. I ended up finding six possible ways to answer this question, which I’ll list below and then go into (a lot) more detail under the cut. Hope you enjoy!

1) I like him because his motivations as a villain are complex and understandable

2) I like him because there’s no easy solution to his conflicts

3) I like him because he interacts with the story in a unique way

4) I like him because when we see him on top of his game, it’s fun to watch

5) I like him because LXC likes him

6) JGY is very small and has dimples

So, onward! (2.7k)

1) I like him because his motivations as a villain are complex and understandable

One possible way of looking at JGY is that throughout the entire story, his end goal is to eliminate all of the Jin family and come out on top as sect leader, chief cultivator and most powerful person in the cultivation world. However, I personally find it more intriguing to think that his specific plans shifted throughout the story and that he didn’t follow a long con the way NHS did, but that the common ground in everything he does is that he’s motivated by wanting security. Then, everything that he does afterwards is a step-by-step escalation when no matter what he does and how far he comes, his goal is always dangled right in front of him, but ultimately impossible to reach.

When he joins the Nie clan, on a superficial level it seems that this place could offer him the security he wants and needs, especially with NMJ protecting him -- but on the flip side of the coin, no one apart from NMJ and NHS seem to respect him, and his security entirely depends on NMJ’s goodwill. It’s an exteremely fragile position that could probably only ever last for a limited amount of time. Even if JGY never killed the guard captain and wasn’t thrown out of the Unclean Realm, how would the future have looked like for him? NMJ’s life expectancy was low to begin with, and once he had died (of natural causes, in this hypothetical case), NHS wouldn’t have been able to hold the same protective hand over JGY as his brother, and JGY would have become the disrespected advisor to the disrespected clan leader. (On a side note, I personally don’t think JGY released XY to get the yin iron -- I think it makes more sense that he wanted to use XY as bargaining chips against WC, seeing how he goes to free him immediately after WC asks for NMJ to release XY, to save the Unclean Realm and, in extension, his own ass.)

After JGY is thrown out, he’s basically out of options -- it’s go big or go home, because which other clan would take him in now? So he sets his sight on being recognized by JGS once more, and in order to succeed, he derives the plan of becoming a spy under WRH and do something so “heroical” that after the war, JGS has no other choice but to accept him into his clan. And at first, it seems like he succeeds and that he finally gets everything he wished for -- his father recognizes him as a son and gives him a position, he’s part of the Jin clan, he has power, he’s secure! But then it turns out that he was wishing on the monkey’s paw. His father doesn’t truly recognize him, and even in the Jin clan he’s disrespected (by JGS, by Madam Jin, by Jin Zixun), he doesn’t truly hold power (he just has to do whatever JGS tells him to), and he’s not secure (JGS instrumentalizes him because he’s useful to him right now, but does that mean he’ll be useful forever? So there’s a constant threat there).

I think the only reason JGS officially adopts JGY is that it allows him to claim the victory over WRH for the Jin clan and to expand his own power. Instead of JGY being recognized, JGS instrumentalizes him from the very first second and to make it worse, he makes JGY his attack dog the same way WRH did. I think the things JGY does under both WRH and JGS are absolutely horrifying, but I can’t help but also feel horrified for him. Under WRH, I think he tells himself that whatever he does is the lesser evil because it’ll end the war quicker, and that it’ll all be worth it in the end, and as a result, he loses parts of his own humanity there. And then under JGS, it’s the same fucked up shit again, except that this time, he also wants so very badly for JGS to value him, and in addition, he’s also completely out of options now. Without wanting to excuse the things he does under JGS, the only alternative at this point is for him to leave the Jin clan and the cultivation world as a whole, and I do think there’s a definite possibility that JGS would have him killed if he did because he knew too much about JGS’s plans.

Without passing judgment on his involvement in JZX and JZX’s deaths, as well as him killing NMJ and JGS for now (the latter being the one thing that I’m personally most horrified of), I don’t see JGY as a villain who enjoys being the villain the way XY does. I think he’s constantly horrified at himself and compartmentalizes to a degree where he’s actually derailing his own plans. Him throwing out XY immediately after killing JGS reads to me as him wanting to close the chapter of everything they did under JGS -- I think he must have acted out of a visceral emotion there or else he wouldn’t have left XY to die at the side of a road so carelessly (and, in effect, allowed for someone to live on with detailed knowledge of his own deeds). After rising to power (and finally, seemingly, really getting the security he’s always wanted), he doesn’t use that power to become WRH 3.0, but instead to do genuinely good things (such as building the watch towers). That’s not supposed to mean that him not being a cruel despot makes up for everything he’s done, but I find it interesting to think about from the perspective of, what kind of person could he have been if this opportunity had been given to him freely -- if his own class and social standing didn’t prevent him from that? I think he’d have become an incredibly powerful cultivator and clan leader if he’d have the same privilege as JZX.

In a way, I see JZX, WC, and JGY as narrative foils. WC shows us who JZX might have become if JGS treated him the same way as WRH treats WC. But, JGS doesn’t -- he shields his own son from this part of the Jin clan, and basically allows him to live in a completely different reality as JGY! JZX’s whole character arc is one of personality development, and becoming a hero, and falling in love -- he doesn’t have a clue about his father wanting to get his hands on XY and the Stygian tiger amulet and arguably about at least part of the war crimes he commits against the Wen clan. It’s not part of his life. In a way, JGY is the sacrifice being made to allow him to live his life unaware because in him, JGS found someone else to do his dirty work.

2) I like him because there’s no easy solution to his conflicts

Sometimes, when you want to be a villain apologist, all you need to do is point at one or a few bits of the story and say, “well if they hadn’t done that...”. (See, for example, Anakin Skywalker -- you wanna write a RotS canon divergence fixit? Just have Obi-Wan come back approximately one hour earlier and you have it, because before Anakin kills the Jedi even the Younglings he’s basically completely redeemable.) With JGY, you don’t get to have that. There’s no single turning point where you could say, “if he had picked the other option, he could have had a happy ending”. And part of the reason for that, which makes him a tragic character in my eyes, is that he crucially lacks options at many turning points.

In order to write a canon divergence AU for JGY where he comes out unscathed and redeemable, you’d have to go pretty far back in the story, and even then, you’d have to work hard to find a solution to his story that doesn’t a) rely on someone saving him (such as: LXC brings him to Cloud Recesses, or: JGS has a change of heart, frees his mother, and sends them a comfortable monthly pension), b) having him be dependent on someone else’s goodwill (such as: staying in the Unclean Realm in a delicate position).

If we don’t want to go back right to the very beginning or change fundamental parts of the story, well... As I’ve mused about above, if we let him stay in the Unclean Realm, he’d have never reached his goal of security either. If he never became a spy during the Sunshot Campaign, he wouldn’t have been accepted into the Jin clan and would have been out of options. If he never committed the atrocities for JGS, JGS would probably have kicked him out or killed him. (I do think there’s a lot of truth in what JGY tells NMJ in the empathy flashback, on that instance.) If he didn’t kill NMJ, there is a distinct possibility that NMJ would have killed him -- we see him try three times on screen, after all. (I’m leaving out the parts about him being directly responsible for JZX’s and JZX’s death in the show, as well as for controlling the corpses at Nighless City and JYL’s death, because it’s not in the book and I think it takes away from WWX’s character. As for QS’s and their son’s deaths...I personally do not see strong motivation for him to kill them, but in the end, we just don’t know which is, on a side note, a thing I really like about The Untamed/MDZS! Sometimes we just don’t know because the only people who know for sure can’t tell us anymore.) One option could be for him to confide to JZX, bring him over to his own side, and non-violently overthrow JGS, which would be a good and satisfying ending both to his and JZX’s character arcs -- but I also think there’s a high possibility JZX would hold JGY responsible for what he and JGS did, and never trust him with power again.

(Again, one thing I really do not wish to excuse away is how he killed JGS, and I just. Desperately wished he didn’t.)

I’ve been going over and over the possibilites for fix-its and canon divergence AUs, but in the end, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that the only real choice JGY has throughout the story is whether to remove himself from the narrative or stay in it. He could make the choice to give up his mother’s dream, reject his father, and leave cultivation world (and, on a meta level, the story!) to become a “nobody”. (Small side note, though -- living on which skills?) If he doesn’t -- well, as soon as he enters the game, the cards are stacked against him.

To pick up on the meta level comment, I do find it fascinating that in a sense, JGY not only has to struggle for respect and recognition within the story, but that what he does also serves to keep his character part of the story. He could choose to give up and leave (and thus come out of the story redeemable), but then he wouldn’t be part of the story anymore.

3) I like him because he interacts with the story in a unique way

Continuing with the last point, JGY interacts with the story in two unique ways that distinguish him basically from all the other characters. He’s not actually supposed to be part of the story, but that he basically claws his way in. But that also means that his class and social status cannot be removed from any of the conflicts he encounters in universe -- they’re at the heart of all of them. In the empathy flashback, he says to NMJ, “You always scold me for indecent scheming. You always say that you are just and straight [...] A decent man shouldn’t resort to devious stratagems. [...] You’re of noble birth and have profound cultivation. What about me? How can I be the same? First, I don’t have the foundation of cultivation. No one has ever taught me that since I was a child! Second, I don’t have any background. Do you think that my position is very solid in the Jin clan of Lanling?” What I find so intriguing about this scene is that he’s right when he says he’s different from the others both in text and on a meta level because most of the other characters are never faced with the same decisions and have a natural place within the story (apart, to some degree, WWX and XY, where also interesting parallels can be drawn). And the other characters are, in a way, self-righteous to judge him when almost none of them come out of the story without blood on their hands -- WWX’s revenge, JC torturing demonic cultivators after WWX’s death, and so on...The entire cultivation world (even NMJ! even LXC!) were complicit in the war crimes against the Wen. But when the cultivation world turns against JGY, they are the most appalled by the things I as a viewer would be the most lenient towards (murdering JGS), and don’t care at all about the thing that horrifies me the most (murdering the sex workers).

There’s an interesting post by @pumpkinpaix​ analysing how class dynamics work in the story, which I highly recommend! I don’t want to repeat what has been said there already in much better ways than I can, but among other things, it makes some really interesting points about how much JGY’s class is tied with his motivations.

4) I like him because when we see him on top of his game, it’s fun to watch

Aside from any analysis, part of the reason why I like him so much is that when he’s acting as a villain, he’s just so much fun to watch. When WWX breaks into his vault in paperman form and JGY has approximately 5 minutes to get rid of the head, the torture bench (?) and anything suspicious, contact and inform Su She, run to a different building and come back, and nonetheless he manages to convince everyone but WWX and LWJ that he’s the victim in this situation, it’s just. Peak entertainment? For a short time, he’s on top of the game, and then he’s backed into a corner and becomes sloppy, and finally loses it all due to sentimentality (if he didn’t want to take his mother’s body with him and say goodbye to LXC, I’m sure he could have fled the country). I think Zhu Zanjin did an amazing job as an actor to portray how JGY is constantly assessing everything, how 23638 emotions flicker over his face in half a second, how his whole body language shows the constant anxiety and pressure and stress and fear he’s under, and how we actually get to see in his microexpressions when JGY chooses a path and commits to the acting and emotional manipulation to follow it through.

5) I like him because LXC likes him 

Here’s a secret: Actually, LXC is my favourite character. And LXC loves JGY a lot. So I’m kind of contractually obliged to at least love JGY a little bit as well?

On a more serious note, I’m very intrigued in their relationship because I do think what they had was genuine. I view it as two people being very open and honest and true with each other, while placing a lot of things outside the brackets and crossing them out. LXC even says that he was aware of some things JGY did (which ones? how? I need to know) but that he justified them to himself. I think they both realised that they could have had something very special, but under the given circumstances, LXC wouldn’t have been able to help JGY (see: point 2) even if he knew everything. Still, they were obviously very close and trusted each other as much as they could. I think in the end, when LXC seemed to have decided to stay and die with him, JGY pushed him away because he was the only genuinely good part of his life, and he felt like he couldn’t rightfully deprive the world of LXC. It’s all very tragic, and I’m very intrigued to explore what they could have been in a slightly softer world.

6) JGY is very small and has dimples

I can only speak for myself, but when I was watching, I was so prone at any point to believe in him no matter what was revealed. Look at him! Could this man do something wrong?

[bonvoyagenoona]

Just finished reading In The Margins. It was so beautiful, so well written. You always manage to make me fall for Yoongi in every fic you write. Road to you, Like butter, Countermelody, Matchmaker... He might be my favorite member to read honestly. I have a question about this story. So I think it was in the second or third chapter, where OC and Yoongi were going over the new ending for the story and Yoongi said Jimin was jealous of what was keeping them apart. What did he mean by that? Can you explain more about Jimin and Taehyung’s relationship? Or maybe I should say Yoongi and his friend’s relationship. Were they in love? Did Taehyung die at the end? I am guessing Yoongi’s friend did die at the end, at least that’s what I understood from the final paragraph where he said “he left”. Was Yoongi in love with him? Was Yoongi Jimin in the story? Sorry if I missed the obvious signs, I was just curious and wanted to know more. I seriously love your writing and cannot wait for your next works!

Ahh, hello!! Thank you so much for your kind, kind words! Trying to do our precious Yoongi justice!

Thanks so much for reading In the Margins! And thank you so much for reaching out! I could talk about this story for the rest of my life lol. I was really inspired by the song Dear My Friend and brought elements of the lyrics into the story. In the Margins is set in an AU where Yoongi is a food critic who secretly writes a novel to process a major fork in the road in an old friendship. In Yoongi's novel, Jimin and Taehyung are stand-ins for Yoongi and his friend (who is unknown to the Reader, but is known to Jungkook). Jimin represents Yoongi, and Taehyung represents this friend. More details (with some spoilers) after the cut! (trigger warning: discussion of heavy drug use)

In the story, Yoongi creates Jimin and Taehyung, two musicians who are starting out together, Taehyung gets caught up with a completely different crowd and gets addicted to heroin (I talk more about the specifics of that on here).

Jimin is jealous of this addiction to heroin. He's jealous that Taehyung abandoned the plans they had together, especially for something so destructive. Through writing the story, Yoongi realizes this is what he feels for his friend -- he's not angry, but rather, deeply hurt that his friend chose a different life over him. The way that Yoongi rewrites the ending is meant to symbolize Yoongi starting to understand that by that point, his friend wasn't really choosing to leave him, but was rather lost to something else in choosing the drug over him. In the end, Yoongi begins to make peace with that.

I leave "he left" open to interpretation. For me, the friend does die, but the friend could also just be "dead" to Yoongi in that he's no longer a part of his life. Their relationship is also up to interpretation. For me, it is a platonic friendship, but it could very well have been romantic. I wanted to leave those aspects open because the story is a more about Yoongi making peace with what has happened, not needing concrete answers anymore, and opening his life up to something new, just as the Reader does.

Thank you so much for engaging in the story so deeply! I am so touched that you enjoyed it, and I'm always so excited to share even more of the worlds that surround these stories. Thanks for giving me a chance to jump back into that world with you!

[nadziejastar]

I'm thoroughly enjoying the LeaIsa discourse, especially Isa possibly having been subject X in perhaps another canon. Isa's symbolism's also seem intentionally feminine in nature. I've head-cannoned that the current subject X in game could have somehow had her heart spirited away into Isa's (mirroring Sora and Kairi's situation, except the heart being far more buried in the depth's of Isa's). An unlikely scenario is that Isa was AFAB as a child and even Lea doesn't know about it or remember.

Lea: The Wounded Healer

Thank you! Yeah, everything about Isa’s symbolism is feminine in nature. And very intentionally so, LOL. He’s the Yin to Lea’s Yang; the Moon to his Sun. I love the whole concept, and I wish it wasn’t so taboo to step outside of gender boxes. The mythology is that Twin Flames separate and go through many lifetimes apart, never meeting in person. Over the reincarnation cycle, the two lovers balance their masculine and feminine sides so that they are both perfectly balanced. And I do think Lea is a very balanced character in that regard. I’m sure Isa was, too. During their final lifetime in the reincarnation cycle, Twin Flames finally reunite and change the world with their divine spiritual love. 

I cannot imagine there’s any other explanation than Isa originally being Subject X. It simply makes way too much sense, and all the pieces fit perfectly. Your head canon is interesting. I prefer that over canon where Isa and Lea are apprentices and had NO connection to the experiments on the darkness of the heart. That just makes no sense at all. They could have had another girl involved without taking away from Lea and Isa’s tragic backstory. Another reason I like Isa being Subject X is that he would need healing, and Lea would need to give him a “birth by sleep”. KH3 kinda forgot about that whole concept. But there’s a lot of evidence that it was supposed to be a HUGE aspect of Lea’s character arc. Would have been a lot more rewarding to see than what he did in canon.

Stuff like this is exactly why Lea and Isa are my favorite characters. I can tell the writers had a hard on for them, too. Nomura really loved Axel, after all. Axel has a weapon called Prometheus which incorporates the Sagittarius symbol, and so do the vast majority of Saïx’s weapons. Moreover, the arrow is mainly prominent in Saïx’s Berserk form, which is where I think his captured heart resides. Now, why is this symbol so important? Because Sagittarius is Chiron, the Wounded Healer! He gave up his immortality for Prometheus, and was rewarded with immortality in the stars!

More About Sagittarius

Yen Sid: “I must warn you again–the road will not be easy.”

Lea: “Fine. Let’s jump right in.”

Ruled by Jupiter, the planet of growth and opportunity, the sign of the Archer is an eternal student, looking for enlightenment through new ideas, people, and places. Sagittarius is on the hunt for the biggest, best experiences life has to offer. They have a positive and outgoing personality that makes them the life of any party. With a love of adventure and all things exotic, the worldly Archer just wants to soak it all in. Sagittarius is driven by a constant need to explore and expand its mind, heart, and awareness to the fullest extent. Fiery and free, Sagittarius knows that the only limits are the ones we create ourselves.

Chiron: The Wounded Healer

Naminé: “And if the hurt is too great for you to bear it alone–well, then you turn to a friend close to your heart.”

Wounded healer is a term created by psychologist Carl Jung. The idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is “wounded”. For Jung, “it is his own hurt that gives a measure of his power to heal. This, and nothing else, is the meaning of the Greek myth of the wounded physician.”

Chiron was in outstanding pain and anguish; there was no medication that would ease the infliction. The fact was, even the gifted physician Chiron couldn’t heal himself. The next problem was that Chiron was in torment but, immortal. Chiron was not able to obtain freedom from the pain with the onset of death. In such a scenario, Chiron volunteered himself as a replacement for Prometheus, who had been penalized by the gods for giving fire to humankind; His punishment was to be enchained to a giant stone. Day-after-day an aquila descended and polished off his liver, which grew once more as it got dark …only to be consumed by the eagle once again.

So in essence, Chiron forfeited his eternal life so man could have use of fire. Hercules had been appealing to Zeus (Jupiter) for help, and Hercules agreed to supply an appropriate replacement for Prometheus, thereby setting him free. Thus, Chiron replaced Prometheus, gave up eternity, and went to Tartarus (the Underworld) in Prometheus’ stead. Zeus witnessed everything that happened and he knew how deplorable his son Hercules felt. Zeus afforded the dear Centaur a resting place in the heavens, as the constellation Sagittarius the Archer, in recognition of his benevolence and perpetuity.

Chiron and Artemis

Axel: “Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs?”

Saïx has a weapon called Artemis, after the moon goddess. Artemis has a relationship to Chiron. Centaurs were notorious for being wild, lusty, overly indulgent drinkers and carousers, violent when intoxicated, and generally uncultured delinquents. Chiron, by contrast, was intelligent, civilized and kind, because he was not related directly to the other centaurs due to his parentage. Soon after giving birth to Chiron, his mother abandoned him out of shame and disgust. Chiron, effectively orphaned, was later found by the god Apollo, who decided to take him in as his son.

Apollo taught to him the art of music, lyre, archery, medicine and prophecy. Apollo’s twin sister, Artemis taught him more about archery and hunting. Chiron’s uniquely peaceful character, kindness and intelligence is attributed to Apollo and Artemis. Artemis only loved one man, Orion. She killed him by accident after being tricked into thinking the he was a villain who had attacked one of her priestesses. Orion, whilst swimming to escape a giant scorpion, is killed by Artemis’ arrows after the goddess could only see his distant bobbing head and failed to recognize the hunter. Artemis tried to bring Orion back to life, but was unable. It was Artemis’ regret at the loss of her hunting companion which allowed him to become a constellation and gain immortality amongst the stars.

Sagittarius Mythology also figures in the tale of Orion. One Greek mythology tale tells of how Sagittarius the Archer was directed to shoot down Scorpio the Scorpion, which had been sent off to murder Orion. This story gives the reason why the Archer’s arrow is aimed toward the ‘heart of the scorpion’.

Friendship

Ven: “Already?”

Lea: “I’ll see ya when I see ya. After all, we’re friends now. Get it memorized.”

Ven: “Okay, Lea.”

Sagittarius make excellent friends because of their encouraging, positive nature and their kind heart that will do anything to make sure the friend is happy. They do not expect favors in return; their kindness is selfless. They do not interfere with other people’s plans and they are never possessive or jealous. They treat others the way they want to be treated and live life based on a ‘live and let live’ policy, making them very agreeable. They are excellent conversationalists with a good sense of humor. Sometimes their humor is the raw truth, but these people speak their mind and don’t hold anything back. What they say is what they mean. They do not like mind games; they like straightforwardness and expect it in return.

Axel: “C'mon, let’s get some ice cream.”

Roxas: “Why?”

Axel: “Whaddaya mean, why? Because we’re friends.”

Roxas: “So…friends are people who have ice cream together?”

Axel: “Sort of… That, or laugh at stupid stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Like those kids we just saw–they were friends. C'mon, I’ll show you how it works.”

Sagittarius are known for saying the ‘painful truth’. On the other hand, people know that they can trust what they say because they always say what is real. They never hide anything and are very likable people. The only people that might not get along with them are people that live by a daily agenda with a highly structured, organized life. They are likely to always be running late and miss a date, but this is only because they are so forward thinking that they forget about the present. Tolerance is required. They do not do these things on purpose; this is just who they are. If you understand this and accept this, having a Sagittarius in your life will make the sun shine a lot brighter.

Axel: “Best friends are willing to deal with complications.”

Wise and understanding Sagittarius is connected to the Temperance Tarot card. The gentle process of tempering is about finding a perfect middle state, and combining the best of all things to forge something that is stronger than the sum of its parts. By bringing the power of the philosophical world into their physical world, Sagittarius makes itself a source of ultimate truth and awareness.

Both Sagittarius and the Temperance card are constantly striving for a more enlightened state of being. The angel in the Tarot card here demonstrates this by slowly pouring the liquid from one golden cup into another – a process called “tempering” (a slow process of integration that leads to the perfect middle state). Similarly, Sagittarius accomplishes this by exploring the far reaches of both the physical and philosophical world to expand on or “temper” what is already known. The symbols of Temperance mean the following:

Angel: Interacting with the material world while maintaining a sense of spirituality and higher purpose.

Triangle: Interplay of masculine and feminine or spirituality and materiality.

Cups: The fountain of energy between your opposite tendencies, which is flowing and spontaneous yet also balanced and coherent.

Path: Taking your time through life’s twists and turns; being content in the moment or throughout unexpected obstacles.

Water: Groundedness and refreshment through spiritual thinking.

Mountains: The distant journeys awaiting you that will bring you to spiritual fulfillment.

Sun: The sun, also appearing as the angel’s third eye, represents the merging of personal aims with the universe’s plans for you.

Fire Wings: Muscles and strength necessary to maintain composure and reach a higher being state.

The Angel

Axel: “As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart. Got it memorized?”

The Angel’s beautiful, red wings represent blood or life, while the triangle on her dress means spirit – also the elemental symbol for fire. And, similar to adventurous Sagittarius, the angel’s feet are also symbolic of the eternal pilgrimage or spiritual journey. By showing one foot in the water and the other on the shore we are reminded that our greatest wisdom lies in the art of balancing. And lastly, the iris flowers are indicative of the Goddess Iris who provides the link between God and humanity. Like Sagittarius, she travels from one end of the world to another – building upon something that is bigger and brighter than herself.

In a general context, the Temperance Tarot card represents coolness in the face of shifting emotional tides. Temperance is the ability to control one’s temper or temperament. In Thailand there is a concept called “cool heart.” In this phrase, cool does not mean cruel and unemotional. Rather, to act with a “cool heart” means that one is not easily stirred or provoked to go off the handle; one does not quickly come to a raging boil but maintains a steady temperature despite shifting external circumstances. Similarly, Temperance stands with one foot in a cool stream and pours water from one cup into another. Temperance knows how to direct the water in a way that maintains homeostasis.

The 7 of Swords

Lea: “And if the darkness gets ya, I promise I’ll bail you out. “Dark Rescue” is my middle name.”

Axel’s weapon “Prometheus” is Lift Gear. This is the same gear that the Temperance Arcana in Luxord’s deck is listed under. Coincidence? I think not. Luxord’s card has the shape of the Minor Arcana, The 7 of Swords. In general, this card is said to be about betrayal and deception. It is sometimes called the ‘Thief’ card. In a general context, it represents deception, lies, trickery, cheating and lack of conscience. This card also signifies mental manipulation, tactics, scheming, cunning, enemies who masquerade as friends and spies in your camp. It represents escaping detection and getting away with something.

On a more positive note, the 7 of Swords points out that you need to be strategic in what you do. It can also represent flexibility, adaptability, sharp wit, and resourcefulness. You know you cannot do everything at once – nor should you. Instead, you must prioritize what’s important to you and direct your focus and attention on the few tasks that will move you closer to your goals. When this card is seen in a reading, the deception is usually short lived. Nobody is able to carry away 7 swords and get away with it. So although the party may feel smug about it at the time, it’s about to blow up in their face.

Sagittarius’ Ruling Planet: Jupiter

Lea: “I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people’s memories, I can live forever.”

Isa: “I know I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time.”

Lea: “See, I’m immortal!”

Larger-than-life Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion. In Roman mythology, Jupiter was the king of the gods, the biggest and the best. In Astrology Jupiter is known as the “benefic” planet, meaning it is the luckiest, most opportunistic planet of all. This positive energy influences Sagittarius’ optimistic, enlightening, and outgoing nature that shines and spreads through anyone they come into contact with. As the largest planet in our cosmos, Jupiter’s vastness encourages Sagittarius to stretch its mind and heart as far as it can.

Sagittarius’ Symbol: The Archer

Xigbar: “You���re not supposed to be here!”

Lea: “Promises to keep. I’ll always be there to get my friends back. What, bad timing? You had your perfect little script, but you kinda forgot to write the sequel. Now, let’s find out what happens!”

The zodiac sign Sagittarius is associated with the Archer, and its glyph represents an arrow. Always eager to explore new horizons, the Archer sets its sights on a faraway target, then shoots toward it with precision. This focus on learning more, doing more, and seeing more is what Sagittarius is all about.

Ruled by expansive Jupiter, Sagittarius is big-hearted, open, and always looking beyond a checklist. A Sagittarius rarely has a “type.” They are always intrigued by the individual, and don’t make any assumptions about people until they’ve truly met and spoken with them. Sagittarius loves witty back and forth banter. A Sagittarius in love is a sight to behold. Aggressively fun, this sign usually moves full speed ahead once they have their love target ‘locked’.

Selene

Ventus: “I remember dreaming a lot. Of you and Terra. Of Sora and his friends too, I think. And there were some more people I didn’t recognize. Oh, and I saw these weird animal creatures! It’s like…I’ve been part of some big adventure.”

Saïx has a weapon named Selene, after the chaste Greek Moon goddess. It’s shaped like a torch. Selene’s torch has an interesting role in art and history. Selene was taken with Endymion, a beautiful youth who tended his flocks on Mount Latmos. She accompanied Cupid and used the light of the torch to gaze upon the mortal she fell in love with while he slept.  

Girodet’s “The Sleep of Endymion” shows the moment that Cupid parts the trees so the Moon may shine her light down upon her sleeping lover’s face. Only at night when he is asleep does she quietly creep down to him, accompanied by Cupid, whose torch symbolizes burning love.

In a Roman floor mosaic from the third century CE, the scene focuses on the moment when Selene falls in love with the young mortal shepherd. Cupid, in the upper right corner, points down at Endymion as if guiding Selene’s gaze towards him. Selene steps out of her bull-drawn biga that she uses to pull the moon across the sky each night, and raises a lit torch that illuminates Endymion’s face in the darkness. She peers down at him longingly. Endymion is fast asleep and unaware of her presence. She was so in love that she asked Zeus to give Endymion immortal life.

Sagittarius’ Ruling House: 9th House of Expansion

Roxas: “I found out about love on today’s mission–that it’s something powerful.”

Axel: “That’s true. It is. But I’ll never get to experience it.”

As the 9th sign in the zodiac, Sagittarius rules over the 9th House of Expansion. This house reveals how open our minds are, and how much we expand ourselves through education, exploration, and life lessons. From philosophical conversations to book research to world travel, the 9th house encourages you to go further than you’ve ever gone before. Sagittarius’ drive for adventure, growth, and awareness is strongly represented here.

When Venus is in Sagittarius

Axel: “Love is what happens if there’s something really special between two people.”

Saïx’s weapon Horoscope incorporates the Venus and Sagittarius symbols while in its Berserk form. So, the astrological correspondence is Venus in Sagittarius. Venus is the planet of love, self-worth, and all things beautiful. Her style is sweet, cooperative, and peaceful. But when this graceful planet’s energy mixes with the free-spirited sign of Sagittarius, her joyful side comes out to play. Hearts come out of hiding while Venus moves through Sagittarius. The happy and free energy of Sagittarius turns Venus up a few notches, encouraging us to live life to the fullest. This is a time to socialize, to try new things, and to look for love in different places.

Sagittarius is the sign of the adventurer, so when Venus is traveling through this sign, we find ourselves drawn to exotic people, places, and experiences. Old routines and worn-out relationships are at risk of being traded in for something bigger, brighter, and better while Venus is in Sagittarius. We want to expand beyond our usual boundaries, and may give up some of our comfortable patterns of the past to try out new experiences. Love needs to grow during this transit – it will not stand still.

Sagittarius’ Element: Fire

No. VIII AXEL—An assassin who puts his own agenda first, and everything else on the back burner. Wields fire.

The zodiac sign Sagittarius is a Fire sign that lights up our lives with profound questions and exciting ideas. Just like an uncontrollable wildfire, this sign will happily go where the wind takes them to seek new experiences. Sagittarius uses its Fire energy on its lifelong journey of exploration, always ready to jump at the next adventure. The element of Fire continues to fuel Sagittarius’ never ending supply of optimism and inspiration.

The Goddess Hestia: The Keeper of the Flame

Axel: “Well, I think you can be inseparable, even if you’re apart. It’s like, if you feel really close to each other. Like best friends.”

Saïx’s weapons Moonrise and Moonset are shaped like ⚶ the astrological symbol for the asteroid Vesta, also known as Hestia in Greek mythology. Her name means “the essence”, the true nature of things. Hestia was the Greek Goddess of the sacred fire. She was the most influential and widely revered of the goddesses. She was was one of the three ‘virgin’ goddesses, next to Athena and Artemis. Hestia was depicted as a beautiful and bashful woman, usually seated. The living flame of Hestia was tended constantly and never allowed to die out, for it represented the energy of all life.

Hestia was a kind goddess and had a discrete character. She never left her residence, the sacred mountain of Olympus. She never involved herself in the fights and machinations of the other gods and goddesses, somehow managing to stay above the fray. Non-judgmental and forgiving, her unconditional love and calm acceptance inspired the love and trust of others in return. Dependable and caring, she was always there for them and helped them to manage their lives, which were certainly more exciting than her own. These virtues define the goddess Hestia: mild, gentle, forgiving, peaceful, serene, dignified, calm, secure, stable, welcoming, and, above all else, well-centered.

Sagittarius’ Color: Purple

Axel: “You know, I’ve been thinking about something Naminé said. Roxas…are you really sure that you don’t have a heart? Is it possible that we all have one? You, me, her… Or is that just wishful thinking?”

Rich and luscious purple is the color of Sagittarius. Purple is a color of abundance, which encourages Sagittarius’ natural luck and its drive to expand its mind and world. The color purple is also associated with spirituality and enlightenment, empowering Sagittarius’ philosophical explorations and lifelong quest for knowledge.

The Sun

Axel: “Hey, Roxas. Bet you don’t know why the sun sets red. You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest.”

Roxas: “Like I asked! Know-it-all.”

Saïx’s weapons Orbit and Lunar Phase incorporate the Sagittarius symbol with the combined stars of Ishtar and Shamash. There’s also a Recusant’s sigil visible over the Sun symbol. The Sun, the giver of life, represents our conscious mind in astrology. It represents our will to live and our creative life force. Just as the planets revolve around the Sun in our solar system, we derive our life purpose from the Sun in our natal charts. The Sun is our ego. It is the part of us that reasons things out, and makes final decisions. The Sun is our basic identity, and represents self-realization. The Sun also represents our overall vitality. The happiest people on this earth are those who identify with the Sun’s expression.

Sagittarius’ Quality: Mutable

Axel: “Let’s meet again in the next life.”

Roxas: “Yeah. I’ll be waiting.”

As the last sign of autumn, Sagittarius helps us celebrate one last hoorah as fall comes to a close and the season of hibernation begins. Sagittarius, with a love for variety and change, uses its Mutable energy to shake the fiery radiance off the leaves and allow them to fall. As winter approaches, this Fire sign keeps us going by fueling our desire for adventure and fun, and helps us remain optimistic that light and warmth will return again.

[darklingandy]

Spirits of the Earth and Air

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Cold Blooded 

Jack used to love the night.

Now the night was black as ink. No moon, no stars; the stifling low clouds obscured it all.

Jack used to love the night: he loved it because it was quiet and peaceful, because he wasn't surrounded by people who couldn't see his existence, because he talked to the moon and the moon listened. At some point — he didn't know when — that had changed. Now the night felt lonely; someone Saw him — two someones — and the moon wasn't listening because the moon was an impersonal rock millions of miles away. And he couldn't see it tonight anyway.

Maybe the night had always been lonely. Maybe he just hadn't noticed because being lonely was who he was, and he didn't know how else to be.

Deep in the woods, Jack was hiding. Two gigantic trees leaned against one another; the earth between their roots had eroded away to create an alcove shadowed by ferns. Jack crouched here, hidden away. He was hiding from a lot of things. Himself. His feelings and actions. His fear that he was failing at what he'd set out to do. But most importantly — so he told himself — he didn’t want to take the chance that any of the court fey might find him.  

He pulled Hiccup's hoodie higher around his shoulders and buried his nose in the worn fabric.

Where was Sandy? He should have been here hours ago, and every additional passing minute made Jack more and more anxious, afraid that something had happened to him. Meeting with Sandy was supposed to be a quick rendezvous; now he wouldn't even make it back to Berk by morning. Hiccup might worry. If Jack took too long, he might start to think Jack had abandoned him.

A distant golden glow appeared through the trees. Jack held his breath and watched; he had to know it was a friend, not a foe, approaching. The glow drifted closer, bobbing its way through the forest toward Jack until he could distinguish Sandy fumbling his way along with his eyes closed. At the sight of him, some of Jack's anxiety left him in a rushed sigh, until he remembered. Any court fey that sees you must report it back to him.

He leapt up. "Sandy!"

Sandy startled. His neat sand cloud fell apart like annoyed confetti and fluttered down. He pulled himself together and formed exclamation points, throwing them in the direction of Jack's head. Not all of them missed.

"Sorry!" Jack threw his hands up and ducked.

Sandy withdrew. His face turned toward Jack — well, turned his face to the left of Jack actually — and somehow managed to radiate disapproval. What are you doing? he signed. Don't you know Pitch is still hunting for you?

He was being reckless. Avoiding one problem by trying to figure out another. Avoiding Hiccup, like a coward. Jack sucked in a deep breath of the clean forest air and pushed his jumbled thoughts out of the way. "I'm here to find out whatever you can tell me. I'm…gathering information."

You have a plan?

He wished. Shame burned in his gut. "Maybe," he hedged. "I. Just. What's going on at the court? The fearlings are gone but I haven't heard anything about what Pitch is doing. What can you tell me?"

The shadow king is angry. Sandy shook his head in despair. I fear for you. I don't like to think about what he'll do when he captures you. And he is determined to capture you.

"What about Hiccup?"

Hiccup? Confusion clouded Sandy's face. The boy? What of him?

Jack clenched his teeth, fear tightening his throat, but determined to force through it. "What is Pitch planning for Hiccup? What does he know of him?"

Pitch is bent on finding the Sight boy who beguiled his lackey away from him. There's not just orders to report on you anymore; there's a reward. For anyone who brings news of either of you, a boon from the king himself will be granted. Some have tried to bring him pretend news, and the punishment was …severe when their deception was revealed.

Jack couldn't breathe. He sunk down onto the earth, knees pulled up to his chest, willing himself to stay calm.

Sandy's hands kept moving. But some have brought real news. There's word of another human besides your Hiccup. A girl with knives. He paused in his frantic motions and felt his way toward Jack, to put a hand on his shoulder. Jack, what have you gotten yourself into?

"Astrid," Jack breathed. So, word about her had got back to the court already. Jack scrubbed a hand through his tangled hair. "Things are getting worse then."

Sandy nodded, serious. I don't know what else I can tell you.

"Something… helpful." Jack stared at Sandy. As if Sandy knew what he was supposed to do. As if Sandy could have answers for him. "Please! There must be some information you have that can help! Something! Anything! Advice, maybe! I just — I don't know what to do, Sandy."

But Sandy just shook his head sadly, a troubled crease between his eyebrows, and Jack shook his head and got up, pacing back and forth, wearing tracks into the dirt.

He was such a fool. Now the reason that he'd come bubbled to the surface of his mind: that he'd come here because he didn't know what else to do. He'd known, deep down, there wasn't anything anyone could tell him that would help. He was in uncharted territory now. He was on his own.

"I have no idea what I'm doing, Sandy." The admission hurt his throat as it clawed its way out; his voice cracked. He swallowed and couldn't meet Sandy's eyes.

Sandy hesitated. Then… why…

"I promised Hiccup that I would get him back his life, but how am I supposed to do that?!" Jack glared up at the brumous sky where he knew the moon would be, behind the thick layer of clouds. His voice was too loud; it reached through the trees enough that if anyone were nearby, they would hear him. "I have to protect him, and I don't even know if I can! But I have to."

Sandy fell silent. He watched Jack, and waited, and listened. He'd known Jack a long time.

"I know he keeps saying that we'll come up with a plan, but how can we do that? We're one human, one faery, one bairseach, and one Sighted boy — that I don't even know what he is right now, exactly — against an entire court of knights and tricksters and—and—and everything!" His face contorted with terror: pupils constricted, mouth working as his breathing sped up, skin pale white. He ran out of steam and crumpled onto the ground, curling up on himself like a wilting leaf. "I've asked too much of him," he said, voice coming out small. "And I've… I hurt him."

You have… a… bairseach? Sandy’s face went slack with awe, but Jack wasn’t looking at him.

Memories of what he'd originally planned for Hiccup came back to him: the sacrifice, the kidnapping. Hiccup saying things like you came here to kidnap someone and when were you going to tell me and you could have told me. And Hiccup was right: Jack should have told him sooner. He should have trusted Hiccup. Should have been more honest with him.

Shame smothered him so strongly it was hard to focus on anything else or think about what he needed to do now.

Sandy drifted toward him, hands moving gently. You know what the odds are. He will not likely come out of this alive.

A shudder went through Jack but he folded his arms and jutted his chin out. "Then neither will I."

Sandy's eyebrows rose toward his hair. You… feel that strongly about this human boy?

Jack opened his mouth. He was going to explain, to say something sane like yes I care for him, we're friends. But instead, what came out was laughter. Impossible, hysterical laughter. He fell back and his limbs sprawled out and he was staring upward at the black sky, laughing his heart out. Brittle frozen pine needles cracked and snapped underneath him; he grabbed a handful and threw them into the air, letting them flutter down around him like confetti. "How could I not?" he shouted. "How could I do anything else?" The laughter faded into the stifling, watchful silence of the night. A deep, weary sigh. Just a breath. "He's…" Jack searched for words. "Impossible. Brave. Fearsome, sometimes. I…" His voice trailed away, following the laugh into nothingness.

Sandy wasn't quite facing the right direction, but Jack could still see his face. Could still see the expression of dawning awe and horror, mingled on his kind features. …love him. His hands signed the sentence that Jack left unfinished. His expression was hesitant, horrified, incredulous. Like he couldn't believe that even Jack would so stupid as to fall in love with a human. How could you do this?

No. No no no no no. Jack choked as he cast a sideways glance at Sandy. Oh gods. Was he really so transparent? "……what?"

As if there were any way he could deny it. A faery cannot tell a lie.

Fall like this, Sandy signed.

Jack said nothing. The word ‘love’ left him reeling, feeling punch-drunk and dazed like he’d been hit. His mouth opened and closed. Sandy’s question — How could you do this? — loomed in his mind. How? He was fey, one of the ancient aos sídhe; things weren’t supposed to work like this. The fey were said to be heartless, cold-blooded creatures like fishes.

Jack had no proof that it was true but he had no proof that it wasn't either. What would it feel like, Jack wondered distantly, if he had a heart to beat? Did it feel like this, terrifying and vivid? Or was he imagining the warmth pulsing in his jugular when he put his hand to his throat?

Did he have a heart, or did he not?

Fall in love so dangerously.

He wrinkled up his nose and turned his face away from Sandy, cheek pressing into the cold ground with a groan. "What?" he breathed again, only half aloud. The ground, hard with frost, remained unyielding beneath him. No more soft loam of the autumn. "I…I don't…"

You're my friend. Sandy's shoulders drooped. I don't want to you die, but if you stick by this boy…Maybe you should leave.

"What?"

Sandy just kept shaking his head, still stunned like he couldn't believe what was happening to Jack. Leave Berk. You managed to get away before Pitch could manipulate the nature of your servitude. Now is the time, before he finds you again.

"I can't just run away!"

Yes, you can, signed Sandy, confused over Jack's resistance. There are no orders binding you here.

But the idea sickened Jack; emotions sitting heavy at the bottom of his stomach and chest, squeezing him. Leave Hiccup? To save himself? He could scarcely breathe."You don't understand. I'm not going to abandon Hiccup!"

Sandy held his hands up. Alright. But at least tell me you have a plan.

"No," Jack admitted. He pressed his hands over his eyes, blocking Sandy out. "But we will."

Nevermind. Just tell me you'll come out of this alive and… whole.

"I will, uh …do my best."

Sandy let out a slow, tired sigh, his head bowed. It is exhausting to be your friend, you know.

Jack propped himself up, grinning through his exhaustion. "But what a good job you do of it."

I know. Sandy preened a little. Then his face became serious again. I'm sorry I can't help you. This is getting more dangerous. Pitch has been combing every corner of the court for anyone who's helped you. I don't think I'll be able to meet you again.

Jack felt a twinge of guilt that he'd asked Sandy here. Sandy was a good friend to put himself in danger for him in the first place. He nodded. "I understand. Thanks, Sandy." He patted Sandy awkwardly on the shoulder. "For everything. I appreciate it. What would I do without you?"

Probably die.

"Always such an optimist." Jack stood up, brushing pieces of pine needles and clumps of dirt off himself. "Well… I guess I'll see you when I see you."

You're leaving?

"Yeah." Jack nodded, more to himself than to Sandy. "I need to go talk to… to the... to Hiccup."

next chapter >>

[babaleshy]

Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

[avrilsky]

one short sentence prompt: 18. I can't wait to hug you. b/c i'm a sucker for a good hug.

This was just gonna be a sappy one-shot about hugs but turned into one with father figure Nedley. There is Wayhaught hugs in here, don’t worry. It’s still pretty sappy. Thank you for the prompt and I hope you enjoy!

“I miss you.”

Nicole smiled, sitting down on the edge of the hotel bed and dropping her phone beside her after putting it on speaker.

Her and Sheriff Nedley were a few towns over talking with potential recruits set to graduate the academy in the next few weeks. None of them panned out, not that Nicole was really surprised. It wasn’t like the academy trained you for dealing with literal demons.

She had been excited to be included in recruiting more officers, to be included in helping shape the Purgatory Sheriff’s Department into the place she would one day be proud to run. Not that she wouldn’t be proud to be in charge of the department as is, she would just add more female officers.

Now she was more discourge than excited. She didn’t think they’d ever find anyone capable of dealing with all the strange and downright evil shit that went done in Purgatory but then again, Nedley had found her.

“I miss you too, Waverly.” Nicole bent down untieing the laces on her boots and kicking them off with a satisfied grunt. “I’ll be home tomorrow, baby.”

Home.

She wasn’t talking about her house or Purgatory in general. She wasn’t even talking about the homestead, where she spent most of her time since being attacked in her house by Widow Mercedes.

No, to her home was when she was wrapped in Waverly’s arms. It was sappy and maybe cliche but Nicole didn’t care because it was true. Waverly was her home.

“I can’t wait to hug you.”

Nicole grinned though Waverly couldn’t see and flopped back on the bed, putting one arm behind her head to prop it up some. “I cannot wait to hug you. How was your day?”

A knock on her hotel room door startled Nicole and she’s already reaching for the pistol sitting on the bedside table before a second knock sounds.

“Hold that thought, baby there’s someone at the door.”

She left the phone on the bed as she tipped toed to the door, checking to make sure there’s a bullet in the chamber and the safety off.

She wasn’t always like this, terrified to open the door with some kind of weapon at the ready, something in hand to defend, protect herself with.

It wasn’t always like this. Nicole’s eyes dropped to the scar on her wrist, teeth marks forever embedded on her pale skin. A reminder of exactly why she refused to answer the door without some kind of weapon.

Looking through the peephole, Nicole releases the breath she had been holding and clicked the safety back on as she opened the door, giving Nedley a small smile.

“Ready for dinner?” He asked, eyes drifting down to the pistol she’s tucking into the waistband of her jeans as she moved away from the door. “You okay there, Haught?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

Nicole picked her phone up, taking it off speaker and holding it up to her ear with her shoulder as she set about putting her boots back on. “Sheriff and I are going to get some dinner. I’ll call you when we back. I love you.”

“I love you too, Nic. Tell Nedley I said hey.”

With her boots on, Nicole shoved her phone in her front pocket and her wallet in her back. She removed her pistol from her jeans and put it in the safe provided in the room before she turned to Nedley.

“Ya know, we ain’t in Purgatory anymore. You’re safe here, Haught.”

He patted her shoulder awkwardly but the concern in his eyes more than made up for the awkwardness.

“I uh, still have some um Widow related issues,” she mumbled, looking down at her boots and rubbing at the scar on her wrist. A nervous habit she picked up in the last month or so.

Every time Waverly caught her doing it, she’d take her wrist gently, slowly and press a kiss to the marred skin, whispering an apology and a ‘I love you’ over and over again. It always calmed her and helped her forget the memory of excruciating painful poison running through her veins, if only for a little while.

Nedley put his hand over hers, stopping her from rubbing her skin raw. “I won’t let something like that happen to you again, I promise.”

Nicole gave him a small smile. “You can’t protect me from everything, Sheriff.”

“I can damn well try.”

Nicole fought to urge to hug the man standing in front of her. Nedley had been on her side since day one. Since she moved to Purgatory, he had been more of a father to her than own biological father.

He looked out for her, made sure she was fitting into town well enough. Helped her move from the shitty apartment she lived in when she first got to town to the house she lived in now. Hell, he helped her get the house as well.

He was just there for her, when she had no one, when things with Waverly were up in air. He was, he is the father she’d always wanted, always needed.

“Thank you, Sir.”

“Anytime, Nicole.”

To her surprise, he pulled her into a hug. It wasn’t any less awkward than the pat on the shoulder but that didn’t make Nicole feel any less cared for, any less loved.

He wasn’t good with affection, giving or receiving, but he tried and in Nicole’s book him just trying was enough. Him just trying meant a lot to her.  

“You’re like another daughter to me. You and those pain in my ass Earps, you’re my other daughters.” Nedley pulled away, scratching at the back of his neck and avoiding her eyes. “And I protect my kids.”

Tears welled in Nicole’s eyes and she blinked rapidly to keep them from falling, eyes drifting down to her boots again. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of him.

He cleared his throat and headed for the door. “Let’s get something to eat, I’m starving.”

“Oh, Waverly said hello.” Nicole closed the door behind them and fell into step with him as he made his way to the elevator.

“Speaking of Waverly.” He pressed the call button and stared straight ahead. “How is that divorce coming along, Nicole?”

Nicole choked on her own saliva, eyes nearly bugging out of her head as she looked up at him. “Uh, it’s finalized, Sir.”

She knew he had been the one to call Shae when she had been in the hospital this last time but she didn’t ever think he would bring it up. She’d been hoping, praying that he wouldn’t.

It had been bad enough explaining the whole marriage to Wynonna and she really didn’t want to have to explain the whole Vegas trip and marriage to him.

Waverly had been understanding when they finally got the chance to talk about it. Hurt but understanding nonetheless. Just as she had been understanding but hurt about Waverly kissing Rostia.

Those things were in the past though and she really didn’t wanna rehash any of it.

He nodded once, stepping onto the elevator when the doors opened. He waited until the doors were closed and they were well on their way to the lobby before speaking up again. “So, when are you planning on proposing to Waverly?”

Nedley dropped her off at the homestead just as the sun was setting, painting the sky in brilliant hues of pink and a breathtaking blueish purple.

One of Nicole’s all time favorite things about Purgatory were it’s sunsets and sunrises. They were, simply put beautiful and she loved when she got the chance to watch them with Waverly. Bundled up under a blanket together, passing back and forth a thermos of coffee or hot chocolate, Waverly’s head on her shoulder.

Nights and morning spent with Waverly doing nothing more than cuddling and enjoying the beautiful scenery Purgatory has to offer was Nicole’s favorite way to spend her time off.

It wasn’t often that they got to enjoy the simple things in Purgatory. There was always something coming up, something keeping them from just living a normal life. Whether it be demons, witches, or interrupting sisters.

There was always, always something but tonight, Nicole didn’t have to work. Tonight Wynonna was off with Dolls or Doc. Tonight there were no witches, no demons. It would just be her and Waverly and she planned to take full advantage of it.

Nicole walked up the freshly shoveled walkway, making it about halfway before Waverly stepped out onto the porch wearing one of the flannels Nicole had left and a pair of the boxers she usually slept in.

There was something so intimate about seeing Waverly in her clothes, that were just a little too big for her. It was adorable and somehow sexy at the same time and it filled Nicole with this warmth, this happiness.

In a few quick strides Nicole had reached the porch steps and before she even had a chance to climb them, Waverly launched herself into Nicole’s arms.

“I missed you,” Waverly breathed, burying her face in the crook of Nicole’s neck, her arms wrapped around Nicole’s back, slender, soft hands slipping under her winter jacket and fisting her shirt.

Nicole wrapped her arms around Waverly’s waist, pulling her in closer and brushing silky brunette hair with the tip of her nose, inhaling the scent of the shampoo Waverly used and something entirely Waverly.

After a week in sleeping in a hotel room on an uncomfortable bed without Waverly next to her, after spending a week with Nedley and arrogant soon to be officers, after a week without Waverly’s touch, Nicole was finally home.

She was finally where she belonged, where she felt the safest, where she felt loved and wanted.

“I missed you too.” Nicole pulled back, cupping Waverly’s cheeks and kissing the tip of her nose.

Waverly grinned when she brushed her nose along the bridge of Waverly’s, up to her forehead where she placed another gentle kiss.

Waverly grasped the back of her neck, fingers playing with the ends of short red hair. “I made dinner.”

Nicole smiled, unable to stop herself from stealing a quick kiss. “You made me dinner?”

Love for the woman in front of her swelled in her chest, threatening to burst her chest cavity wide open and spill out in the little space between them.

Nedley was right. She needed to marry this woman and she needed to do it soon.

“Well, technically I made myself dinner but you can have some,” Waverly shrugged one shoulder and sighed dramatically with a roll of her eyes. “I guess.”

“Well, if you feed me, I’ll clean up the mess you made in the kitchen,” Nicole said, reaching for Waverly’s hand and lacing their fingers together, leading them up the porch steps.

Waverly was starting to shiver and Nicole wanted to get her inside where she knew a fire was going before she got too cold.

“And what makes you think I made a mess?”

Nicole looked over at her with a knowing look, holding the front door open for her. “Because I know you, Waverly.”

Waverly was without a doubt the best cook in their little band of misfits but God, did she make a huge mess when cooking anything, no matter how small. Nicole was sure that the kitchen was a disaster, but she didn’t mind cleaning it.

If Waverly had went through the trouble of making her dinner then the least Nicole could do was the dishes.

Waverly stuck her tongue out at her before bringing their joined hands up and kissing each of Nicole’s knuckles then pressing an impossibly soft kiss to the scar on her wrist.

“I love you, Nicole Haught.”

The words were whispered against her scar before Waverly pressed a longer kiss to the skin there.

“I love you too, Waverly.” Nicole tugged on her hand, bring her in for another hug. This time Nicole buried her face in the crook of Waverly’s neck, breathing in the smell of her skin. “More than anything.”

[strawberrymarshmallowstories]

It’s Alright Honey - Part 2

Title: It’s Alright Honey

Pairing: Hoseok/OC

Word count: 3,5K of Hoseok

Summary: There had always been something underlying burning between you two, something that you never had a chance to explore as one of you had always been in a relationship. You played around with each other a lot, teasing, inviting, but always stopped when this innocent game was in danger to turn serious.

'I'm fine Hoseok, please stop ordering food now unless you're going to piggyback me home,' you groaned, eyeing the table heavy under different dishes. He had taken you to his favourite brunch place, and even though it was amazing, you couldn't physically eat any more.

 'You don't look fine to me,' he replied back, his gaze dancing around the restaurant as if following something.

 'Then stop looking,' you snorted, glancing over where his eyes rested on a brunette waitress. The skirts they wore were rather short and even though you agreed she looked amazing, you stabbed your pancake with a fork, muttering how women were too sexualised in today's society.

 'Why should I? I need my daily dose of eye-candy and you gave me nothing.' His eyes were intently holding yours and you noticed a glint of mischief as he leaned back, stretching his arms to clasp them behind his neck.

 'Did you get her number yet? She looks interested enough by that weird giggling she's doing. Wait, I think it has affected all of them.'

 'Flattered but no, they're nice to look at but not really what I'm looking for.'

 You scoffed in disbelief, "What are you looking for?'

 Hoseok shrugged but said nothing. He distanced himself for a short moment and you knew it must've triggered something in his mind. A fleeting moment - that's all it was but you spotted it with ease.

 You wondered what was the reason behind his reaction.

But that brief moment worth a second was gone as he looked back at you, his usual grin on his face as he replied, 'At least it's not you.'

 'Funny. I will find out,' you said, pointing a finger at him as you squinted your eyes, 'If there's anything you've been hiding from me, you're going to pay.'

 He laughed, 'There's a lot, remember all those times you ditched us? That's how many secrets we have.'

 You did remember. Your mind had entirely been focused on your new relationship and on your new boyfriend you couldn't get enough of. Yes, he had been a little clingy but that was all forgotten as he had treated you like a princess. Only now you realised how he had controlled you in his little ways. Now you realised what your friends had been saying.

 Especially Hoseok. You ex had felt threatened by him and Hoseok never seemed to take a liking to him - always preferring to keep quiet when you mentioned his name. You weren't really surprised why.

 Slowly you  had started hanging out with your friends less and less, your head high in the clouds. Hoseok's presence tended to create contradicting feelings in you, so ignoring these had seemed the best option at the time.

 'I thought you're working on weekdays,' he asked, licking ice cream off his spoon, your eyes instantly glued to the spot as you felt the need to gulp, almost being able to taste the vanilla on your tongue. You forced your attention on the pancakes and it took a little more effort than you had planned for. He was still distracting and by no means you wanted him to figure out the advantage he had.

 'I am, I took a week of holidays just to take care of some stuff.'

 'Just let me know if there's anything I can do. I'm always here,' he said, his eyes firmly set on yours, studying you. But that was soon exchanged for a smirk with unwavering attention, 'I can always make you feel better.'

 You kicked him under the table and grinned as he winced, his hands grasping his ankle and he let out a short curse under his breath.

 'I greatly appreciate your concern, although I dare say your lovely little mind cannot comprehend the usage of technical terms and concepts for a casual conversation.'

 There was a mysterious flicker in his eyes, darkening as he slowly leaned over the table, his hand coming under your chin, tilting it up and before you noticed, there was only a few inches separating you.

 'I am positive that I will be able to understand all kinds of sounds coming out of your little mouth,' he said, almost whispering, his voice deep and husky and very much pleasing to your ears.

 Your eyes widened, your heartbeat quickened, your whole body froze on the spot, unable to move as time slowed down. You were lost in his deep eyes, his touch electrifying as you suddenly felt too hot to stand still, unease making you anxious. He didn't move, his eyes staring into yours and you could feel his breath brushing your lips ever so gently.

 'Hoseok,' you breathed out, voice shaky, 'What are you doing..'. You were immersed in that glint of something unknown in his eyes - something between lust, desire and need.

 Yearning for something and your body responded with heat.

 He stood still, unmoving - maybe as he was teasing you, maybe because he was fighting himself - you didn't know, but he blinked, twice, and realisation slowly reached his eyes. He pulled back without a word.

 He had almost crossed a line. You both knew it, but neither of you would say anything about it.

 And you knew as well as he did, unless you talked it out, there was a ticking bomb bound to you two, waiting for the time to run out.

   You didn't see each other for a couple of days after that. Much to your surprise, being soaked to the bone on your break-up eve didn't end up with you in bed, sniffling and sneezing, and you were almost back on track with your work as well. It was an excellent outlet for all your pent-up emotions regarding your ex...

 and Hoseok.

 The former had called you a couple of times, begging you to give him another chance and even though it was hard to stick to your word, you had promised not to put yourself through that again.

 You still cared for him but you wouldn't let him hurt you. Especially for a relationship that had stopped working a long time ago.

 Hoseok on the other hand was making his way back into your life amidst of your hectic schedule. Somehow he managed to squeeze in a couple of lunches with you during the weekdays and surprisingly enough he was the only one able to get you out of your house during the weekends.

 He would turn up unannounced, taking no crap from you - no excuses - as he practically carried you to the bathroom and threatened to throw you under the shower if you didn't start undressing.

 Which you did, much to your dismay, just after you threw a slipper at him and he closed the door after himself.

 Reaching the end of your holidays, you received another surprise in the form of a visit - from your mom, who had decided to drive up to the city to pull you out from deep depression she imagined you to be in. She must've heard about your breakup from somewhere as she hadn't mentioned a word about him.

 But imagine her surprise as she saw you with Hoseok, joking around, you lazing on the couch as he was cooking something that smelled just divine.

 'Oh my little Hoseok,' you heard her voice through the apartment, ringing in your ears as your eyes widened in shock. Making a mental note to attach a bell to your doorway, you sighed. Her warm welcome towards Hoseok always made you smile. She had always loved him dearly and was still waiting for him to realise his undying love for you.

 No matter how many times you had tried to explain, she wouldn't stop talking about it.

 'How have you been?' she almost sang as she floated through the air towards Hoseok, her hands cupping his face as she pressed her cheek against his in welcome.

 Hoseok had never minded it, but you did.

 'Hi mom, you could've told me you were coming.' You commented but got up nevertheless to give her a hug. You were going to get her a glass of water but Hoseok had been faster and your mother rewarded him with one of her best smiles.

 That's where you had inherited yours.

 'I felt like surprising you,' she started, then glancing over at Hoseok again who had sat down next to her, casting you a wary look while sipping his coffee. 'But you seem to be doing quite well.'

 You leaned against the counter, fiddling with your sleeve, 'I don't think it would've lasted any longer anyway.'

 'That doesn't make it any easier,' Hoseok finished your sentence and your eyes met for a brief second in mutual understanding. You also saw your mom nodding, no doubt hurt to see you like this.

 She turned to Hoseok, her hands lightly grabbing his and you saw Hoseok smile in defeat as you both knew what was coming.

 She always did this - asked Hoseok to keep an eye on you, to take care of you; and he only smiled, promising he always has and always will. It was something you had never asked for, never wanted him to feel like you were a responsibility. But your mother never listened, so you had given up.

 And he always responded with the same answer, making this look more like a habitual greeting and a reminder.

 Your shoulders slouched under guilt - yes you took care of each other as friends do, but with time things got more serious. With time you had started thinking what this really meant.

 'So, as they do say, the best way to get over your ex is to get yourself another guy,' she said the moment you put the lid back on the simmering stew and it took you a second to register what she had said.

 You saw a smile playing on Hoseok's lips and you wanted to hit your head against something.

 'Mom, can you stop,' you whined, pulling yourself up to the counter as you glared at Hoseok, wanting to snap at him for silently snickering, away from your mother's attention whose sole focus was on you.

 'What's there to be embarrassed about,' she brushed you off as she continued to peel apples, offering Hoseok a bite which he gladly accepted.

 Your mother had always spoiled him.

 'What's there to be embarrassed about,' Hoseok repeated and you shot him a look promising revenge.

  'Oh god I need a drink,' you groaned the moment you got back to your apartment, exhausted from your mom's endless expressions of love in the form of nagging about everything she could. You collapsed into your armchair, throwing your legs over the backrest as you laid there, taking a deep breath in and releasing it, allowing yourself to relax.

 Past couple of hours had felt like days as your mom kept reminiscing and sharing all the childhood stories she could remember. Only relief was that after all these years Hoseok knew everything there was to know, easing your worries tenfold.

 That didn't make it any less embarrassing though. 

 You closed your eyes and heard his steps on the floor, his scent reaching your nose, signalling his closeness and a light pat just below your knee pulled you into a sensory experience. The heat of his hand against your skin, his scent teasing and pleasing at the same time - you wanted nothing more than for him to whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

 'You look like you need a drink,' his voice reached through your dazed state, his tone low and like honey to your ears.

 That was sweet enough, right?

 It worked, it caught your attention and you opened your eyes - your mouth salivating for the sweet taste of alcohol. You got up with a grin on your face as you shuffled your way over to your room. 'I thought you'd never ask!' You shouted back, already deep in your closet and you heard his laugh echo through the apartment.

 'That's all it would've taken to get you outside? Just a call to your mother?'  

 You peeked out of your room, strong determination in your eyes. 'Hoseok, no! You will not be calling my mom! That's extremely unfair!'

 He shook his head with a knowing smile on his lips, and you gave him another cautious look which lingered for a second too long.

  'You do not expect me to ignore this amazing blackmailing material,' he asked, his eyes unknowingly drifting over your body as you walked in and you felt chills ran down your back. In response to his comment you poked your finger into his ribs, especially hard to make up for your slightly flushed ears. He twisted away from you with a dancer's grace, falling back to a safe distance. He narrowed his eyes and leaned against the wall, studying your next move which never came.

 You glanced at him while getting ready, taking in how good he looked dressed in a plain white shirt and light jeans, his arms crossed in front of him. His eyes were set on yours, staring brazenly with a tinge of amusement.

 Oh god how you wanted to...

 There were words on your lips that often died before they escaped. He made you react in ways that got a part of you worked up and you had to bite into your tongue to stop yourself. You were horrified at the nature of your thoughts, cursing yourself for being needy when it came to this old friend. Everything went blank when you saw Hoseok looking at you with a knowing glint in his eyes, a grin almost touching his lips as he was waiting leisurely.

 He was playing around again.

 'Really? Nothing?' He replied, his grin untouched and you diverted your gaze in defeat. Thoughts that shouldn't have been there, ones you thought you had banned long time ago, arose whenever Hoseok was around and it distracted your rational self from the path of good to the path of naughty and the bad.

 Yes, your heart was jumping in excitement.

 But your mind was warning you not to be stupid.

  You reached a small tent on the edge of a river, just a bit off from the main street. The owner saw you both from far away and waved, slightly swaying along from side to side. Casting a quick look at Hoseok, smiling as brightly as you were, you greeted the owner who despite his intimidating outward appearance had one of the softest hearts you'd ever known.

 'Have a seat!' He said, collecting empty bottles from the close-by tables 'And I haven't seen you lately missy.'

 You smiled and shrugged it off with an excuse of being busy. This place used to be a quiet little outdoor bar, set up in a tent with a lovely view to the river.

 The view was still there, but it was far from quiet.

 'Hard day?'

 'Hard week is more like it', you let out a dry laugh, giving him an unenthusiastic thumbs up as you started setting the table with shot glasses and chopsticks.

Around a year ago, on one of these kinds of nights, you had carved your name on the edge of this specific table, just when Hoseok had been betting with his friends on something stupid and irrelevant. Ever since that night this had been your regular spot which held many memories - mostly deep soul-to-soul conversations where you felt slightly buzzing, minds opening to receive more and to give more.

 'Are you sure you want to go for soju?' Hoseok asked as he brought over your favourite side dishes.

 In repsonse you only lifted your glass and made a toast for new beginnings and new opportunities. Neither of them didn't seem too enthusiastic but only Hoseok joined in as the owner excused himself to serve some customers.

 The grapefruit soju was finished within half an hour, mostly you sipping it like a soft drink - it was as sweet as you liked it, but too sweet for Hoseok who complained with sarcasm that only colourful cocktail-umbrellas were needed to complete it. You popped a small piece of grilled radish into your mouth which used to be your ex's favourite. 'Hoseok, why do you think relationships have to come to an end?'

 'Why do you think they have to - they don't,' he said, pouring another glass for you while his was still half-full. Your crispy tofu bites arrived as well which tasted exquisite after a shot.

 'How can you make sure they don't then?'

 He shrugged, settling in more comfortably in his seat, 'Have you ever felt that being yourself with a person makes you feel free? You play around and create your future at the same time?'

 'Have you?' You asked back as you leaned closer. He gave you another one of his half-shrugs as he threaded a hand through his dark hair.

 In a way you had started to date your ex thanks to Hoseok. You had asked for help and he had given it to you - simple as that. It had been a time of exciting anticipation and confused feelings where you knew what you wanted, but at the same time always sought for more.

 'I actually have,' he replied, opening another bottle of regular soju, pouring it for the both of you and you watched him enjoy the burn down his throat.

 You held your breath, your voice slightly squeaky from the lack of air, 'And it didn't work out? That doesn't answer my question then.'

 'What was your question again?' His fingers were now playing with an empty glass and you took it upon yourself it fill it. He nodded appreciatively, giving you a quick glance before looking away.

 By now you could tell he wasn't drinking just to keep you company, he was drinking because he needed to rewind as well - too loosen up a bit. His shoulders were tense, his jaw set in a firm line, and you wondered what was it he wasn't saying.

  'Why don't relationships last?' You asked once again, feeling like going in circles but you tiptoed around it.

.

'Maybe it's not the right person?' He replied, taking another sip and you joined in, your eyes firmly set on him while he was avoiding yours. His eyebrows were slightly furrowed, joined by an obvious headache as he kept rubbing his temples.

'And why keep going if you know it's not the right person?'

'But you don't know that in the beginning, do you.' 

 You slowly nodded at his reply, in hesitation because you had known. And yet you still had wanted your ex. You had had enough physical chemistry and he had been fun and interesting and caring, but there were a couple of deal-breakers you refused to accept, refused to put up with in the long-term.

  'What are we supposed to learn from this?' You asked, your elbow on the table as you rested your chin on your palm. Your eyes met but he broke it off a second later.

 You knew he wasn't getting enough sleep, if he was getting any at all. He must've seen the question in yours as he shook it off before replying, 'How to be good to the person who actually is right for you.'

 'But you never know if the person is actually good for you,' you trailed off, your eyes glued to him. You found yourself thinking how nice it would've been to stand up and walk over to him, to pull him in for a big warm hug and hope that it would make him feel better.

 It hurt to see him like this.

 And to imagine, he had seemed fine in the morning.

 'I don't know. I think the whole life is about growing as a person. Relationships are a part of life. You learn from everything,' he said and found yourself nodding in agreement, crossing your arms in front of you.

 'That makes sense in a way.'

 'But you still don't like it,' he smiled at you as he stretched against the backrest, his head falling back, revealing his neck; the muscles, the veins, and you couldn't look away. You wanted to trail your fingertips alongside his neck, feeling Hoseok tremble under your touch.

 'I've enough lessons to learn even without all of this,' you said and watched him return from his position, now stretching his neck from one side to the other. Your eyes met and you glanced away instantly.

 'Maybe that's why you're single..'

 You scoffed and looked at him incredulously, 'Are you mocking me? At least I can be happy alone with my dozen of cats.'

 He let out a short laugh, 'I might as well join you. Relationships suck.'

 You raised your glass, giving him another knowing nod, 'Agreed - let's  take to that!'

[aaronbleyaert]

I think maybe I need a recent awful/awkward/assy story about how you're so bad with women. I'm starting to think it's just a ruse. I think you're actually a casanova.

That’s me! Mr. Casanova. Here is, no joke, my most recent date I’ve been on. It’s long, but you asked. Ready? 

So.

There’s this girl whom I’ve known for a few years through mutual friends. We’ve never hung out and I haven’t spoken to her in a good three years (and the last time we “spoke” was over Facebook Messenger).

A few months ago, she messages me out of the blue, saying she just saw my short film and liked it. We go back and forth, and since all of Facebook is ruined for me because I get so many messages on there every day, I eventually just give her my email address. 

We email back and forth for a while, and I’m like, “Look, this is dumb, but if you’re ever in LA, text me and we can grab coffee”. It’s what we call in the business “a sad and pathetic attempt at sort of asking a girl out”. Unbelievably (and I read the text three or four times in a row because I literally cannot believe it) she texts me the next day and says she’s coming to LA the following Tuesday and that I should have dinner with her. 

I break out in a preemptive nervous sweat.

Now, first off, this girl is way out of my league. I mean, WAY out of my league - she’s funny, smart, super weird, and gorgeous. It’s ridiculous. Also, I mention I own a Brontosaurus egg (aka “Sexual Kryptonite”) and she actually gasps and says that she wants to see it. Is this my perfect woman?

Also, no one ever comes after me or makes a move on me or hits on me, ever, so I’m a bit taken aback (and if I’m being honest might have had a fleeting thought or two that maybe this was some sort of trap and she was going to murder me) but I’m weird and paranoid not stupid so I say yes to dinner.

The day she’s supposed to come to LA for dinner rolls around, and I end up having to do a last minute shoot at work so I have to cancel the morning of. It’s shitty and I know it. She’s bummed, but she’s like “why don’t you just meet me after your shoot and we can still have drinks” but I don’t know how late it’s going to go and she’s way out of my league anyway and probably doesn’t actually want to have drinks or see the Brontosaurus egg but is just being nice because she’s a good person on top of everything else so I apologize profusely and decline. She’s cool about it. Too cool. SHE’S TOO COOL. Anyway, she makes me promise that I’ll come down to San Diego to see her. Laughing, 100% not believing that she’s serious and still wants to see me, I say “Sure. Sounds good”.

But she was serious. She wants me to come down and see her. 

So we pick a day that works. It’s a Saturday. I’m pretty nervous because this woman is literally out of my dreams but goddamn it man we have to at least TRY to not die alone right so I buy a ticket. 

The night before I’m supposed to go, my friend Sona has a holiday party at her apartment. It’s really fun, but I have a very early train to take the next morning to go and visit my probable soulmate so I’m keeping the drinking light. But then two very bad things happen:

1.) Sona makes her infamous Death Punch.

2.) My ex-girlfriend shows up to the party.

It’s a small party. My ex is The Worst. I start drinking heavily. 

My ex and I start talking. More death punch. I am really, really, REALLY trying to not be an asshole, but fuck man, I’m only human and I end up saying a lot of bad shit to her face. I drink even more death punch, get in a parting shot at my ex (I’m pretty sure it was something about her looking like Tom Petty) and Uber home.

I wake up the next morning to my cellphone ringing. It’s my soulmate.

“Hey! What time is your train getting in?”

I look around at my bedroom. All the lights are on. I’m fully clothed. My shoes are on. 

Shit.

I tell her that I got too drunk the night before, and that I’m not coming. She’s like “are you serious?” And I try to make a joke but internally I am screaming at myself WHY. AM. I. SUCH. A. FUCK. UP.

Feeling worse than I possibly have ever felt IN MY LIFE, I promise this girl that I will come down and see her soon. Then I text my ex and apologize for the things I said. To her credit, she’s gracious about it. I want to light myself on fire.

A week passes, and my soulmate and I text back and forth. She’s still talking to me for some reason and we figure out another time for me to come down to San Diego to see her. We pick a Saturday. I buy my ticket. This time, to make sure I don’t miss my train, instead of going out I stay home and spend the night imagining my ex doing bong hits onstage while singing “Free Falling”. It only sort of cheers me up.

The next day, I finally get my dumb ass on the train.

If you’ve never taken the train from Los Angeles to San Diego, I cannot recommend it enough. It’s called the Pacific Surfliner and for two and a half hours, it runs right along the most gorgeous coastline and bluest goddamn ocean you’ll ever lay your eyes on. I’ve only got about a half hour left when the thought hits me: “Wait, what the fuck am I doing?”

I barely know this girl. She’s way out of my league. I’m a sad old man with a sack of old jokes and two sleeves full of rubbery muscles. How could this girl possibly want to talk to me? What if she really was just being nice? Maybe I’ve read this all wrong and she just wants work advice. Yeah. That’s probably it. I mean, what else would we even talk about? What are we going to DO?! Shit! I haven’t planned a fucking thing! Should I make a dinner reservation?! Fuck! Should I have spent these last two hours researching cool shops and museums?! What if I miss my train back?! What then?! WHY DIDN’T WE PLAN AHEAD!? GODDAMN IT, BLEYAERT! and on and on and on ad nauseum.

I get so nervous that I eat all four protein bars that I brought in case of an emergency which I guess works out because this is absolutely an emergency but then my breath smells like a protein bar trash fire so I put like nine pieces of gum in my mouth and start chewing furiously. 

Then, of course, I’m there.

I get off the train, and immediately it’s hot. I peel off my sweaty jacket, and text her. She picks me up in her nice car. It’s an Audi. I drive a dusty Jeep Wrangler. Fuck.

I get in, and she smiles. “Hey! I’m so glad you made it! Welcome to San Diego!!” She goes in for a hug, and I kind of go to hug her back but I’ve already put on my seatbelt because you know like safety first and so I kind of motion to hug her but I don’t quite get there and it’s awkward. We start driving and she puts down the windows and her hair in the breeze looks like a shampoo commercial and she’s laughing and I’m laughing and we’re both laughing and I look outside at the passing trees and wonder to myself how fast we need to get up to before I can be certain that throwing myself out of the car would mean instant death.

She asks me some questions, but I’ve got all this fucking gum in my mouth and there’s like, SO MUCH saliva going on, so I take it out of my mouth and go to quickly throw it out the window before she can see but I can’t find the window thing and she looks over and goes “whoops! I’ve got it” and then I throw it out the window praying it doesn’t fly into the backseat and I gulp down all the saliva and it’s quiet in the car for a few seconds and then she’s like “wow that was a lot of gum” and I mumble something about all the protein bars I ate and reach for the radio.

She takes me to her favorite taco place, and I get some real food in me and I manage to start acting like a human being. She’s great. I mean, really really great. It’s like the whole non-hug lots of gum/saliva thing never even happened. She’s super ambitious, just like me, so the convo is effortless. We finish up, and before I can even confess that I have nothing planned, she offers up a bunch of things to do! I choose a winery, because I’ve never been. She smiles. “Ooooh. I’m going to get you soooo drunk.” I smile back. “Challenge accepted.”

The next 5 hours are amazing. We’re drinking and talking and laughing and sitting outside looking out over these incredible rolling hills as the sun sets. We talk about everything - even getting into some dark emotional shit. I am completely enthralled. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time. It’s incredible. Suddenly, her face turns serious. She looks at me in the fading light, her soft eyes studying mine. “Can I show you something?”

We drive for a little bit. I ask her what kind of music she wants to hear, and she plays me her favorite new song. It’s some bad ass trap music. Could this girl be any cooler? We turn up this winding road that ends at a small park at the top of this mountain with a big white cross on it. It’s fully dark now, and all of San Diego is lit up before us, stretching out down below as far as the eye can see. It’s beautiful.

It’s windy and a little cold, so she takes my arm and  pulls me close, nestling her head in the hollow between my neck and shoulder. Her hair smells amazing. She points out all the landmarks among the lights down below. 

“There’s the ocean. Annnd there’s where I live. And those lights way over there are Mexico.”

It feels like we’re in a movie. We’re quiet, just enjoying the moment. My heart is beating a thousand times a minute. It’s time to make a move.

“So… Is this like, the ‘lover’s lane’ of San Diego?” I ask.

“Yes.” She says.

“This is where you bring guys to make out?” I ask, smiling.

“Yes.” She looks up at me, smiling. The lights of San Diego twinkle in her eyes.

“We’re lucky it’s dark, then. Darkness favors my looks.” She laughs. 

We stare out at the twinkling lights below. 

I do nothing.

After a few minutes, I say “Man, it’s kind of cold up here. Are you cold?” She shakes her head no. The wind whips around us, delighted at my cowardice. She puts her head back on my shoulder and holds me tighter.

We go back to the car anyway.

Later, driving back down the hill, I ask her what kind of music she wants to hear. She says to put on whatever I want. 

I make my train with plenty of time to spare.