#Sleep Token caregiver

[babylon-littlespace]

Sleep Token members as caregivers!

Caregiver headcanons for all 4 Sleep Token members are below!

Please remember this is all fiction and based on the personas they perform on stage!

caregiver divider by @/aquazero

Vessel -

Always makes sure his little is well rested, fed and hydrated

Very into naps with his little, his bed is layered in cozy blankets and piles of the softest pillows he could find

Also has matching pajamas with his little

Certainly the clingiest of the four

Comforting caregiver, always offers snuggles when his littles sad although he understands if they need space

Always has Band-Aids and such on him in case of booboos

II -

The strictest of them

Follows routine and rules very much but is the absolute best with rewards when his littles been good

Goes out of his way to put in extra effort to make healthy but yummy snacks

The best at managing big emotions in a little body in a serious way and calming his little down

Usually the go to caregiver with a sick little

III -

"The fun one"

He's always down to get properly involved in his littles activities, drawing, crafting, dress-up- You name it. He doesn't mind if he makes a mess or gets grubby during it too.

Has gone out dressed as a pretty princess because of his little at least once if not several times

He's not the best with genuinely dealing with emotions but he always makes everything all better in the end, usually with treats or such

Sometimes feels as if he isn't good enough as a caregiver, his littles smile tends to fix that issue though

IV -

A very relaxed caregiver

He likes to involve his little on whatever he's doing, whether it be work or personal hobbies

Will let his little try out his guitar as long as they're careful! He trusts them though

Encourages independent play very similar to parallel play, he just likes quality time

Sometimes struggles to get into the caregiver headspace, definitely the newest out of everyone but he overcomes it

[pukefactory]

⋆.˚ MARIGOLD ICE CREAM ⋆.˚

✮ Summary: A compilation of headcannons featuring J as your caregiver

✮ Character(s): Serial Designation J (Murder Drones)

✮ Genre: Headcanons, Fluff, SFW

✮ Warning(s): None - Completely Safe!

⪼ It took J an unusually long time to grasp what you wanted and the reasoning behind it. At first, she seemed hesitant, but then she realized she’d have a small agent by her side at all times. Suddenly, the thought of looking after you didn’t seem so bad. After all, having a tiny sidekick would reflect well on her.

⪼ J adopts a role reminiscent of a strict yet caring mother. She’s assertive and demanding, always pushing you to do your best. However, unlike her usual interactions with others, she’s never harsh or disrespectful toward you. She places significant importance on your well-being and safety, but in return, she expects you to follow her rules. Disobedience or wandering off without her approval is not tolerated. As your caregiver, she insists on your cooperation and adherence to her guidance.

⪼ She often calls you “champ” or “little champ,” believing it suits you perfectly, especially when you excel at your tasks. However, when she thinks you’re not paying attention, she’ll refer to you as “sweetheart” when speaking about you to others—never directly to your face. Just don’t let her know you’re aware of this, as it would undoubtedly embarrass her. As for herself, J prefers to be addressed as “ma’am” or “miss,” though she’ll tolerate “momma” as long as no one else is present.

⪼ J isn’t particularly affectionate, but she does express her care through words of affirmation. If you follow her instructions precisely, she’ll shower you with compliments. On rare occasions, if you exceed her expectations, you might even get a quick head pat. Additionally, you can expect plenty of thumbs-ups and the occasional company pen as tokens of approval.

⪼ Surprisingly, she enjoys helping you choose and put together your outfits. Her goal is for you to appear tidy, polished, and perhaps overly studious. She assists you into your clothes, smooths out wrinkles, and fixes any imperfections. After stepping back to inspect her work, she’ll nod approvingly and say, “Looking good, champ.” To complete the look, she’ll even give you an armband that matches her own.

⪼ When the two of you aren’t preoccupied with ambiguous company tasks and find a moment to relax, J enjoys reading to you. She lets you rest your head on her lap, often lulling you to sleep with her calm, steady voice. Sometimes, though, it’s the subject matter—like a dull book about stocks—that puts you to sleep instead. Either way, you don’t mind, as it gives you an excuse to use her legs as a comfortable pillow for a few hours.

⪼ Although holding your hand might make her seem less intimidating to others, J doesn’t mind. She prioritizes keeping you close over maintaining her imposing image, ensuring you don’t wander off or end up in harm’s way. If you ever feel daring and try to escape, her long tail will quickly wrap around your arm, pulling you back to her side. To her, staying near is the only way to keep you safe.

⪼ No matter the time, place, or circumstances, J would rather face dismantling than allow any other disassembly drone to babysit you, even for a moment. A mix of paranoia and pride drives her belief that V and N are entirely unfit to care for you in a way that meets her standards. To J, they are reckless, incompetent, and far beneath her. She would much rather keep you by her side, even if your presence hinders her productivity. In her mind, she’s the only one truly capable of ensuring your well-being—after all, you didn’t gravitate toward her without a reason.

⪼ She will never allow you on the battlefield—absolutely not. In her eyes, you’re far too small, inexperienced, and valuable to be exposed to such danger. Instead, she assigns you simpler responsibilities, such as tracking worker drones and reporting their locations, performing minor repairs on the landing pod, sharpening her claws, and other safe, manageable tasks. These keep you out of harm’s way. Should you ever attempt to fight, be ready for an unforgettably long lecture and time out.

⪼ Littles like you are bursting with energy and need a proper outlet for it. When J notices you getting especially restless, she’ll take you to a secluded spot where you can release all your pent-up excitement. She carefully observes as you dart around like a wild creature finally set free. To keep you entertained, she’ll toss small objects nearby for you to chase and retrieve. Sometimes, she’ll even guide you through simple exercises to wear you out completely. Once you collapse from exhaustion, J knows you’re finally ready to relax.

[royaldaycare]

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

Hello !! I'm Logan (or Johnny!) and welcome to my daycare! you can call me Logan, Lo, Johnny, big brother or dada! I also occasionally go by saint or my OC's callsign, Sparrow!

A little about me ! :

I use he/they/it pronouns as well as some neo's and xeno's too!

I'm trans, gay and asexual! I'm also questioning whether I am poly or not!

I am an age regressor and a caregiver! (my agere blog is @gh0stlyb34r !)

I'm 19 and my birthday is June 3rd!

I'm from the uk!

my anons! ;

💚 ,

I am a 100% sfw caregiver! any nsfw accounts will be blocked!

This blog is a safe space for regressors and caregivers alike! anyone that makes this blog an unsafe place will be blocked immediately

My rules!

dni ; nsfw, edsh, zionist, racist, homophobic, against Palestine, transphobic, ableist, trump supporters, anti agere, ddlg/abdl accounts, anti petre

boundaries ; keep all terms used for me either masc or gender neutral, do not flirt with me (even if it is as a joke or friendly), please keep all asks sfw.

My interests!

games ; call of duty, overwatch, resident evil 4, forza horizon, roblox (royale high, dress to impress, obby's and tycoons!), fnaf, poppy playtime, indigo park, red dead redemption 2, animal crossing new horizons, good pizza great pizza, hogwarts legacy, valorant, a little to the left, unpacking, mario kart 8, mario kart wii, just dance, the last of us

movies/shows ; deadpool & wolverine, deadpool, x-men, harry potter, fantastic beasts, atsv/itsv, marvel, star wars, the umbrella academy, stranger things, the batman, titains, heartstopper, young royals, criminal minds, fnaf, arcane, ghostbusters, barbie, oppenheimer, nimona, christopher robin

musicals ; les miserables, hamilton, waitress, the greatest showman, la la land, hairspray, dear even hansen, heathers, high school musical, lemonaid mouth, annie, descendants, beetlejuice, mama mia, tick tick boom, into the woods, mean girls, in the heights, little shop of horrors

youtubers ; pezzy, elasticdroid, puffer, grizzy, smii7y, gtlive, game theory, warn, frogger, aspen, beaplays, dawko, ethan nestor, blarg, thedooo, coleydoesthings, film cooper, dechart games, hthaze, james marriott

musicians ; james marriott, taylor swift, mcr, twenty one pilots, billie eilish, hozier, noah kahan, sleeping at last, the smiths, laufey, chappell roan, bruno major, paramore, novo amor, depeche mode, p!atd, daughter, djo, feels like july, florence the machine, frank sinatra, gerard way, ghost, lady gaga, lemon demon, lily allen, maya hawke, 1d, 5sos, mitski, micheal jackson, sleep token, taylor austen dye

misc ; books, dolls (monster high, lol, rh), pop figures, lego, posters, flowers, pin badges, jewellery, halloween, fall/autumn, deco pacis, colouring

DISCLAIMER ; I hold all of my faves accountable! I do not support jkr, noah schnapp ect!

My faves !

celebs/authors ; pedro pascal, hugh jackman, ryan reynolds, ali hazelwood, kit connor, oscar isaac, hayden christensen, ewan mcgregor, tom hiddleston, andrew garfield, tom holland, aiden gallagher, eddie redmane, aaron tveit, erik j brown, david tennant, josh hutcherson, david harbour, wynina ryder, natalia dyer, maya hawke, matthew gray gubler, thomas gibson, aj cook, barry sloane, neli ellice

characters ; John 'Soap' MacTavish, Simon 'Ghost' Riley, Captain John Price, Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick, Robin Buckley, Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner, Penelope Garcia, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Loki, Logan Howlett, Scott Summers, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Leia Organa, Ben Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves, Newt Scamander, Din Djarin, Deadpool, Steven Grant, Marc Spector, Danny Zuko, Jean Valjean, Ben Florian, Flynn Rider, Aziraphale, Crowley, Nick Nelson, Charlie Spring, Diego Hargreeves

My kins !

I kin a LOT of characters (and sometimes genuinely believe I am them) so I decided to add a list of them here! DISCLAIMER ; Please do NOT try to make me believe I am not the characters I specify I believe I am! I am aware and know that I am not physically them! The characters I believe I am will be displayed in a different colour than the rest of the text (not black/green).

Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish, Logan Howlett, Simon 'Ghost' Riley, Newt Scamander, Viktor (arcane), Steven Grant, Lydia Deetz, Spencer Reid, Penelope Garcia, Remus Lupin, Flynn Rider, Charlie Spring, Crowley, Percy Jackson, Draculaura, Mercy, Prince Wilhelm, Nightwing & more

dividers by @/chewtou , Lydia banner by @kodaswrld , bj banner

[infernalodie]

𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐠 𝐌𝐞 𝐔𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 || 𝐓𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫

"𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘥𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘴 𝘛𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘋𝘳𝘢𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘋𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦"

Inspo: Sleep Token - Drag Me Under

Pairing: Tara Carpenter x Black!Fem!reader

Summary: Despite everything, Tara loves you nonetheless...

Warnings: D.P.D., angst, fluff

Words: 1477

A pair of hazel eyes watched you cautiously, almost stunned by your appearance. Seeing her silence as the best asset when it came to these certain nights–late nights when you’d go home with no explanation besides the blood on your shirt. Distinct fog in your eyes blocked her from even deciphering what could’ve been bothering you.

Tara couldn’t understand why you did what you did.

A serial killer. A girl with many mental issues, but more than capable of being a lover and a caregiver. It was just this other side of you no one was allowed to see–only her. This animalistic and rageful side of yourself that Tara had seen more times than she’d like to admit. And on many of those occasions, she still hadn’t made up her mind on how she felt about it. She should’ve been running in the opposite direction when she figured out who you were. Hell, she should’ve run the first night she figured out about “Mandy.” But she didn’t?

It didn’t particularly make sense as to why, but she didn’t. Maybe she was a sucker for the danger and the broken. Even though there wasn’t anything she could do to fix you. She could toss some pills at you to suppress Mandy for a little while. But how long until Mandy came out and just ended up killing more people than usual? These factors had to be taken into account and Tara knew that leaving you and loving you the way you were would be more than enough.

“What’d she say before she left?” Your voice was just above a mere whisper. Tara could’ve misheard it for the countless number of thoughts, but she was paying attention to every little detail of your figure. Your shoulders that were tense, your hands trembling with the hatchet in your grasp, and your lips that had specks of red scattered across.

“That nothing bad would happen to the both of you and that you loved me very much.” Tara's response made your shoulders relax a bit. Enough to not feel the ache as intense. And Tara picked up on this. “What’d you think she said?”

The glass of water had suddenly become more interesting than the conversation. Taking the cup in your grasp and strangling the shiver that ran down your back from its cold exterior, you took a sip.

At most, this entire situation could’ve been easily avoided. This entire relationship could’ve been avoided. You could’ve never let your desires dictate having someone to lean on and love when your mind was damaged like this. After all, someone like you didn’t deserve that. It wouldn’t have been what you wanted but it would save you from the shame you felt under her gaze.

You paid very little attention to Tara’s movements. The apartment she shared with her sister was deathly quiet. Sam had gone to bed hours before Mandy decided to take the wheel and go out on a cruise of the city. There was no telling what would happen if Sam figured out what you were. Mandy only gave you the satisfaction of control when she got you to the front step of your girlfriend's apartment. Leaving you to explain yourself to Tara, again.

Tara’s smaller figure kneeled between your legs. Her hands resting on your knees and those beautiful hazel eyes staring up at you. It didn’t feel real. If honesty was a huge factor in this relationship, you didn’t understand how she continued to be with you. Of course, Woodsboro was something you knew about. But this was different. She was dating you, a ruthless murderer who had no problem dismembering humans and dumping them in the Blight. So, how could she look at you so lovingly and be delicate in her touch? It didn’t seem fair.

One of her hands gently took the crimson blade. You hesitated but allowed it to slip from your grasp. She placed it on the coffee table and turned to you with a small smile. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

You took her lead, holding her hand as she guided you to the main bathroom where she locked the door behind you and started the shower. There was a pause in your movements, but you eventually started undressing. It’s not like it would be the first time you were naked in front of her. The difference was that the circumstances were different and you felt ashamed. This relationship shouldn’t have worked out the first night you came home in such a state. But Tara decided to make it work against the better judgement of a normal moral compass.

Stepping into the shower, the warm stream of water fell on your face and hair. A gentle sigh fell from your lips as you rubbed your eyes furiously. But Tara stopped for a few moments just outside the shower in awe. The shine of your chocolate-toned skin is still her biggest weakness. How it looked under the moon, sun, and with a layer of water running down it made her thoughts a jumbled incoherent mess. And something in the way the blood of your victims ran down the valley of your breasts struck a deeper part of her mind that wasn’t normal.

Freeing herself from more than desiring thoughts, she slips into the open space in front of you. Soaking up the warmth of your body and a continuous stream of warm water raining down on her. The warmth of your hands resting on her hips only made a sigh fall from her lips, leaning into your touch. The entire idea that those hands, responsible for murder, held her so softly. Treating her like she was some sort of delicate work of art tended to Tara’s hubris. Gathering up the fleeting hope she had to try and make this work better than it already was.

And perhaps she was clouded in delusion. It’d been her goal for as long as the first night she saw you standing outside her apartment drenched in crimson. She didn’t understand what possessed you to come HERE of all places and Tara didn’t understand why she let you in. Perhaps against her own judgement or the genuine love she had for you. Since then, she promised to be the person you could rely on in these certain circumstances. And that whoever took control could trust her to take care of you.

“I’ve always feared she’d end things,” you whispered, barely heard over the sound of running water cascading between your guys’ bodies. Glad to know her back was to you so she couldn’t see the defeated expression on your face. Because there were still borders yet to be crossed in the relationship. She’d never seen you cry and she’s never seen you sad. In many cases, your fear could’ve been misunderstood for sadness, but Tara knew better, thankfully. She was a lot more perceptive than she let on.

“Mandy isn’t all terrible, Tara.”

“She murders people, Y/n. Terrible isn’t the word I would use to describe her,” Tara huffed in amusement. “And she’s taking you from me. So, she’s as terrible as I want her to be-”

“She loves you, Tara.” The response made the other girl snap her head in your direction. Eyes slightly widened by such an accusation. “I know because she leaves notes on my phone. Tells me what she did during the night. And she thought of you and decided to not kill tonight.”

“Then the blood on the knife?” Tara inquired.

“Some random rat.” And for a moment, you smiled at the thought. “Mandy doesn’t want you thinking she’s gotten soft over you or anything.”

And Tara smiled, heavily amused by such a thought. But she knew with love comes protectiveness and Tara had her fill of possessiveness when it came to your counterpart. Having spent a single night with her and barely able to leave her room without the woman questioning her where she was going. For someone so ruthless with their killings, Mandy was rather needy.

Turning fully, Tara cupped your face softly. “Even if she told me you didn’t love me, I wouldn’t believe her. I wouldn’t even let you go.”

The thought alone rattled your skull. Nothing about this relationship spoke “healthy”. You were constantly putting her in tough positions over your own problems, yet, she was still here. Promising you a life of normalcy? Were you even capable of something like that with someone so ethereal?

“But why? I’m broken, T,” you muttered, eyes cast to your feet.

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of loving or being loved,” she whispered, kissing the corner of your lips. Shaking her head, she uttered, “I’m never letting you go, Y/n.”

Pursing your lips, you managed to meet her loving gaze. “Promise?”

She smiled. “I promise.”

And you believed her.

[gh0stlyb34r]

Welcome to my blog!

logan / johnny / astrid ⌇ 19 ⌇ agere

trans ⌇ he / they / it + neos / xenos

dni ; nsfw , abdl / ddlg + variants , kink , gore

ed / sh , anti recovery , basic criteria

pronouns page ⌇ strawpage ⌇ request rules ⌇ masterlist

discord server post ⌇ f/o's

interests

movies / shows ; mcu , dc , star wars , harry potter , xmen , monster high , phantom of the opera , moulin rouge , hairspray , sweeny todd , the legand of vox machina , arcane , black swan , heartstopper , grease , the rise of the pink ladies , andor , moon knight , criminal minds , new girl , into the woods , anastasia , deadpool & wolverine , descendants , acolyte , bluey , tangled , tangled the series , maze runner , hunger games , the mandalorian

games ; call of duty , overwatch , valorant , roblox , minecraft , red dead redemtion 2 , little nightmares , resident evil , detroit become human , the last of us , hogwarts legacy , fnaf , indigo park , forza horizon , animal crossing , good pizza great pizza , unpacking , stray , jedi fallen order , jedi survivor , coffee talk

music ; my chemical romance , twenty one pilots , taylor swift , chappell roan , fall out boy , billie eilish , panic! at the disco , ajr , sleep token , james marriott , james arthur , one direction , conan gray , jls , chase atlantic , Jeff buckley , hozier , noah kahan & more

misc ; dolls , books , lego , sylvanian families , making jewellery , posters , halloween

my faves

characters ; percy de rolo , vax'ildan , vex'ahlia , simon riley , john mactavish , john price , kyle garrick , kate laswell , steven grant , marc spector , logan howlett , wade wilson , agatha harkness , din djarin , cole cassidy , anakin skywalker , luke skywalker , 10th doctor , 15th doctor , loki , foxy , the riddler , newt scamander , obi-wan kenobi , glitchtrap , vanny , danny zuko , luther hargreeves , Ben hargreeves , Steve harrington , eddie munson

youtubers ; smii7y , blarg , bigpuffer , elasticdroid , pezzy , grizzy , warn , frogger , aspen , james marriott , willne , critical role , george clarkey , flats , kryoz , cam kirkham , sinjin drowning , dawko , game theory , gtlive , keeoh , film cooper

celebs ; pedro pascal , matthew grey gubler , ashley johnson , troy baker , mat mercer , hugh jackman , barry sloane , neil ellice , oscar isaac , gerard way , frank iero

other blogs

@b4bywr1t3s - fanfic blog

@royaldaycare - caregiver blog

@astrogrphx - editblr

@l0v34sp3nc3r - fandom blog (may contain nsfw themes)

@kitkatshifts - shifting blog

my tags

#╰ lo's rambles ୧ - general posts

#╰ lo creates ୧ - my creations

#╰ lo's pics ୧ - my photos

#╰ lo's f/o's ୧ - my fictional others / selfships

#🐾.lo's fictional faves - my favourite characters

#🐾. lo's fictional cgs - my fictional carefivers

#talking.🐾 - answering asks

dividers (first and last) dni banner

[nostalgiclittlespace]

hi marty!!! if your requests are open, can you do william afton caregiver headcanons with tons of fluff please 🥺💗 he's my fictional caregiver and i love him so much... he means the world to me....

thank you so much!!! :D

Of course!!! I headcanon Springtrap as one of my fictional CGs so I got you ;). Here’s some for Peepaw Willy! ⬇️

(Tried to leave this open for Movie! or Game! Afton)

Of course he is called Peepaw Willy when you’re Little. XD. Other CG names for him would probably include dada, papa, and bunny

He on the other hand calls you sweetheart, love, darling, and dear (he’s very British 😄)

He loves reading to you while sitting in a rocking chair.

Speaks so softly and gently 🥰

If he has to work, then he’ll bring you along! He give you lots of tokens to play the arcade games, coupons for snacks, etc.

But if you’re feeling clingy, then he’ll let you sit in his office with him.

Speaking of the office, he keeps tons of your gear in there. Pacis, toys, coloring books, snacks—the works

Lets you sit on his lap while he works

(He’ll even pet your hair or rub your hands with his thumb if he’s deep in thought)

If he needs inspiration or opinions for designs, then he’ll ask you! You now what’s appealing to kids and will make sure nothing is too scary looking.

Lots of your artwork ends up in his study or around the restaurant.

Would probably show his affection through gifts. Any gear/toy you want, he’s going to get it for you!

You of course have plushies of every animatronic. They’re your friends!

He definitely does different voices for the characters during playtime or stories. He has lot of practice from working kid’s birthday parties in the Spring Bonnie suit

William says he “isn’t as young as you used to be” but if you ask him sweetly (or whine enough) he’ll play tag with you, piggyback you around, etc

One of William’s favorite games is hide and seek.

You guys have lots of tea parties too

For your sake, he would let you dress him up, put glitter and stickers on him, etc

He tucks you in every night you’re regressed. Makes sure you’re all snuggly, checks your closet and under the bed for monsters, and kisses your forehead.

He’s a very calm caregiver. He’s experienced with working around kids of all ages and personalities from Freddy’s and his own kids, so he knows what he’s doing.

Doesnt panic during meltdowns or tantrums. He lets you cry it out if you need, and waits until you’re ready to be touched before giving you a very big hug

If you’re just having a bad day in general, he’ll make sure to do something special for you. Baking a treat, playing a game, etc

If you struggle with crowds or overstimulation, then he’ll bring you to Freddy’s after hours to play. (Pre missing childrens incident)

He doesn’t do that too often though, because he wants to be sure that you get a good nights sleep too!

Movie! William would have Vanessa as your babysitter. And she’s such a sweet big sister!

Game! William on the other hand…he wouldn’t let Michael watch you in a million years. Even pre-bite of 83 he was fairly irresponsible. Henry is a far-better suited babysitter

That being said, you’d get along with the Afton children well. You’d see them around the household, at Freddy’s, etc

(Being a Caregiver has definitely been good for Will; he’s starting to remember how to be a better father too)

Thanks so much for the ask! I hope these are good! 💜💜💜

[heartnosekid]

my personal favorite stimboards masterlist!

so, as it turns out... i've made a lot of stimboards since 2021 when i made my first favorite stimboards stimboard. i wanted to make another stimboard of the boards, but i quickly found out i had way too many favorites to fit in a stimboard that my computer or phone could handle lol.

so, instead of the stimboard, here is a bunch of links to my favorite stimboards with some descriptors. as far as name stimboards go, i love them all too much so i couldn't decide on a concise list of favorites lol enjoy! comment your favorites if you want to!

concept / music based:

clowncore with bright primary colors | butterflies, spiders, & moths in purple & blue | nature, flowers, & bugs in pink & yellow | aroace sunset flag with nature | lunar rainbow | pansexual with nature | black & neon glowcore | hot pink color board

demeter & young persephone | black arches moth | carnivalcore, kidcore, & kitties | smile - the beach boys album art | pink, elegant, & floral | death's head hawkmoth | virginian tiger moth

night skies, the moon, biblically accurate angels, books, & moths | yule pagan holiday board | rain by sleep token | "i know love is real because i exist and i am full of it" | sidewalk chalk kitty

character / franchise based:

marie (splatoon) based on only her hair colors | dark magic hat creampuff cookie (cookie run: ovenbreak) | seer (apex legends) | floral sacrifice soul weaver (identity v) | super pusheenicorn (pusheen) | haku (spirited away) | skitty (pokemon) | wish bear & love-a-lot bear (care bears) | baby hugs & tugs (care bears)

custom camper (animal crossing: pocket camp) | banette (pokemon) | royal livery bloodhound (apex legends) | caregiver zacharie & small batter (off game) | a gaze eternal revenant (apex legends) | raiden (metal gear rising: revengeance) | fleur fairies (jellycat)

bog witch ad (goatlings) | wicked harvest bloodhound (apex legends) | neon skeleton squishmallows | mirage (apex legends) | k_k (deltarune) | renji & uta with cafe elements & greyscale (tokyo ghoul) | ione (animal crossing) | zucker (animal crossing) | oyster cookie (cookie run: kingdom)

lime cookie (cookie run: ovenbreak) | blue eyes white dragon (yu-gi-oh) | alice in wonderland 1951 film | lobo (puss in boots: the last wish) | miffy kidcore positivity (miffy & friends) | trans calico critters (sylvanian families) | king rauru (the legend of zelda: tears of the kingdom) | catalyst (apex legends)

g1 pony bride (my little pony) | white pearl cookie (cookie run: kingdom) | soft pastel blue dratini (pokemon) | dusk from the hex girls (scooby doo) | frilled jellyfish cookie (cookie run: kingdom) | uboa (yume nikki) | sayaka miki (puella magi madoka magica) | fog canyon (hollow knight)

[shadow-jack]

People I want to get to know better

tagged by @nhaneh, uhm, tagging @jlsigman. No pressure though!

last song: Ascensionism, Sleep Token

favorite color: orange. Not what stores call orange. None of that burnt red stuff. Hazard orange!

last book: Double Eagle, Dan Abnett

last movie: Technically, The Godfather Part 2, my dad was watching it and I'm his full time caregiver. So it was the last movie on when I was around?

last tv show: Jujutsu Kaisen episode 41, "Thunderclap Part 2"

sweet/spicy/savory: Spicy. Definitely spicy. Got some spicy ramen yesterday to check out in fact!

last thing I searched for online: the materia priority for a Dark Knight at level 100 in FFXIV.

current obsession: the manga/anime Jujutsu Kaisen.

looking forward to: the arrival tomorrow of Interceptor City by Dan Abnett, the sequel to the last book I read, a Warhammer 40K novel that's been promised on and off for twenty one years!

[meeeeples]

Hi! This is Meeples blog! Meeples is a little in our system. He has expressed he still wants to use the regression tags because he likes the community it brings in.

Quick facts

Name: Meeples (I named myself! :D)

Nicknames; (anyone can use) kiddo, Meeps, buddy

Age: 6-12 years (often he says he's in 3rd grade for his age)

Pronouns: he/they (because sometimes he doesn't feel like a boy)

Games/toys/activities I like to do/play with (i love talking about them too!!!)

Crinkly toys!

Wiggly toys (no "mochis" or squish toys)

Tea party

Momma/Daddy and baby! (I like being dada sumtimes!)

CUTEITOS (here a link for dem) (plz talk to me about them I have 30+)

FUGGLERS

Watching scary Moives!!!

Cooking/baking!

Playing school!

Making blanket nests!

Coloring!

Making potions!

Fandoms I talk a lot about

Hazbin hotel

Sleep token

Bring me the horizon

Kim Dracula

Good Omens (Do not talk about neil gaiman)

My little pony! (I LOVE I LOVE SURVIVAL IN HOPE FANFIC)

Sam and Colby

Jake Webber and Johnnie Gilbert

Hollywood Undead

Bungo Stray Dogs ( I LOVE CHUUYA)

Deadpool

Basic Intrests/ favorites

My fav color is pink!

I like blue!

Trucks

Dogs

Cats

Animals

DINOSUARS

Horror Movies

City buses

Guinea pigs (I have one!!!) (He calls him the "small doggie")

Birds (I have six!!!)

Sharks

BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS INSECTS INSECTS INSECTS INSECTS

Other Blogs the system runs

@smspikyhampster :Main blog, likes and asks come from this blog. Our irl friends are on here.

@hamptersadness : Ay(the host) blog.

@bouwithabonus: Bou's (adult alter) blog.

@littleoneshideoutofficial : The agere server I'm a mod of (Please check it out!)

@ay-system : the system this little is apart of. PLEASE CONTACT ADUKT ALTERS ON THIS BLOG

Warnings/Boundaries Regarding the Blog

I allow 18+ blogs to interact NO SEXUAL BLOGS THOUGH

This little cusses!!!!

I might talk about poop and pee

Do not mention sewerslide and sh!!!

Reblogs, replies, and asks are more than welcome!!

I block freely

No transphobia, anti agere, anti petre, racism, aphobia, slurs of ANY KIND, ageplay, petplay, syscourse

I will talk about tics, ocd, adhd, intrus1v3 thoughts, depression

TAGS

#i reblogged this: All my reblogs

#sad little or #baby vent: my vents

#funnies : anything I find funny

System info

Traumagenic system: Suspected osdd

SYSTEM AS A WHOLE IS ENDO-NUETRAL (Meeples is pro-endo tho, despite what the others think)

Ay(host) 18

Bou(protector) 18

Cora(Caregiver) 18

Jani 18

Ivy(gatekeeper) 18

Danny & Francis 15-18

Credits

Most dividers are made by me on ibis paint, user boxes made by @puppyuserboxes, dino and beetle divider made by @animatedglittergraphics-n-more

Important links!

Being little with mental health issues!

[altrodent]

Blog Contents

Welcome! This is a catalog of every fic I’ve written. Any slight spicy/NSFW themes will be accompanied with: ❤️‍🔥but I exclusively write fluff!

(Check their warnings for more info!)

Borderlands

Handsome Jack

• Ignited Passion ❤️‍🔥

Timothy Lawrence

• Life Saver

Mordecai

• Caregiving

Troy Calypso

• Tunnel Vision

Baseketball

Joe ‘Coop’ Cooper

• It’s a date ❤️‍🔥

• Kiss me on my Mouth! ❤️‍🔥

• Draft Tests

Doug ‘Reme’ Remer

• Charming

Coop x Reader x Remer

Just For You ❤️‍🔥

Donnie Darko

Donnie Darko

• In My Arms

Peacemaker

Adrian Chase

• Freckled Delight

Ghosts

Thomas Thorne

• Candles, Lanterns, and Fairy Lights

Marvel

Loki Laufeyson

• Wardrobe Malfunction ❤️‍🔥

Evil Dead

Ashley Williams

• Sheila

Wednesday

Xavier Thorpe

• Invisible Adoration (Pt.1)

• Invisible Adoration (Pt.2)

• The Perfect Evening

DC

Abner Krill

• Sundress

• Dating Headcannons

Encino Man

Stoney Brown

• Honey Bun

Stranger Things

Steve Harrington

• Not Losing You

The Mighty Boosh

Vince Noir

• Tension

Sleep Token

Vessel

•Cycle (Part 1)

Hey! Like obscure characters, or even like my stories? I take requests for the low low price of free! Don’t be shy to leave comments or requests 🩷

[kaddyssammlung]

BPD / C-PTSD / bad relationship dynamics in Sleep Token lyrics - Part 3

TW for mental health stuff

Part 1 Part 2

Hypnosis

“Take from me leave nothing left take everything”

I just love Hypnosis so much that I have to bring it up again. That feeling of being in so much emotional pain and you want someone the set you free. To me this is what this song is about.

For someone with BPD this certain someone will not only set you free from all your pain but they will become your existence. Your reason to live. This is rooted in having no sense of self.

Mine

“Paralysed by my own will”

I can relate to this feeling. I don't even want to name an example because you can see everything that I already brought up as an example of being paralysed by my own will.

Everything is so intense and extreme that it does paralyse you.

“and I am certain that you and I are crashing course”

Yes. I had this with my ex-boyfriend and also with my ex-girlfriend. It still took alarmingly long to end those relationships.

“you will be mine”

I hate this feeling. I had this quite often. It comes from wanting to have power over someone. At least it does in my case or it's what I connect with this.

Like That

“just to provoke my combat new weapons to snap those final strings just to watch me fall back”

You want to watch me bleed....because I bleed so well....

This whole cycle of abuse has something to do with early abandonment. And no I don't meant to be abusive but it ended up happening. I can see this the other way, too. I often felt provoked. So....well...idk...Vessel, just break up with them if you can.

“Do you like that?”

No! I don't! It's lyrics like these that make me just scratch my head and ask myself: how do you write about stuff like that unless you have experienced this and it had a great impact on you?!

“all that inside, all your anger”

I just read something about BPD rage that I want to put in here. I have trouble explaining this feeling but they said it well:

Rage is the most primal feeling generated and the most protective defense that a young infant can muster to try to have the caregiver return to once again provide some sense of being for the infant.

Feelings and reactions of rage are experienced by those who go on to develop BPD so early in life that they precede cognitive and verbal development.

This is what makes borderline rage so primal, so intense, and in the case of the borderline so raw and unmanageable in terms of often triggered dysregulated emotion of those with BPD.

It is pain that has long-since been dissociated from and abandoned by the borderline. This abandoned pain of BPD is the ignition switch that needs only the hint or flicker of an emotional flame to ignite a combustible, all-too-often abusive rage like no other. Source

Fall For Me

“Through a fractured existence”

I feel this so much. Everything is just gone...don't remember my childhood. And even after that so many years missing from me life.....constant dissociation just leaves you like this.

Little pieces coming back but so much that does come back I just don't like because it has something to do with being traumatized....

“and I feel like I'm losing touch witch what I am again”

He sings what I am and not who I am...

But for me this fits the whole “having no sense of self” symptom of BPD.

“Oh God, I wish you were here”

Constant dissociation......

Over the past few weeks this has been getting so much better again :)

Alkaline

“She's perfectly misaligned”

I thought about my ex-girlfriend in that way. She was very open about her mental health struggles. I was kind of happy because I assumed that she would understand my struggles as well.

It turned abusive fast, though. And yes it was both ways again.

Distraction

“I am broken into fractions and I am driven to distraction”

I know. Me, too.

Descending

“Until I let you fall I've been left no choice Don't you see that?”

You failed my “testing – game” and no you are not worthy of anything. Good day and may we see each other never again. You are dead to me. End of story!

Lol

It does remind me of playing games. It's this “I'm pushing you away but actually I want to be with you....I need you so much...but I push you away so you can't leave me” game.

“What would you do for me?”

Oh Vessel...well...I'm not straight so...well...sorry.

Buy presents, bake something, do whatever they say when you sleep with them,.....

I did all of those things....

High Water

“I will still avoid my own questions”

Just run away from your trauma. I get that.

“and I know you still bear the weight of your own existence and you'll never bear the weight of two”

So true. Which is why I've been single for the past nine years now. It's easier to avoid all of this. Maybe someone will “collapse into me” like you say, Vessel but until then it's better that way.

Missing Limbs

“failing to remind you what you're living for”

To me BPD feels like not really being a part of this earth. I feel stuck between worlds. As if I was never meant to be or never meant to come here. But now I'm kind of here but I'm often so empty, sad, far gone, dissociated that this is not a home for me. I do have strange feeling of where we actually come from and I miss this place...

[natsuki-bakery]

˳⁺⁎˚ ꒰ఎ Agere One-shot !໒꒱ ˚⁎⁺˳

can you do a yi sang and sinclair (lcb) agere oneshot? regressor yi sang and cg sinclair.. or if you’d rather do hcs for each that’s okay too:) whichever is less stressful for you !

Within the confines of Limbus Company, Yi Sang and Sinclair shared a moment that went beyond the complexities of their roles. Yi Sang, the enigmatic soul with an affinity for the temporal dance, found comfort in the gentle presence of Sinclair, his caring caregiver.

"Sweetheart," Sinclair murmured, a tender smile gracing his lips as he entered the room, "let the minutes slow down for a while. Come, and let's relax."

In that shared space, Sinclair's endearing pet names became a language of love that transcended the ticking clocks and temporal conundrums. "My Little One," Sinclair continued, his voice a soothing melody, "allow me to guide you through the moments, and find peace in the simplicity of now."

As they sat together, Yi Sang felt a warmth in his heart, a rare respite from the intricacies of time. "Darling," Sinclair said, his fingers gently intertwining with Yi Sang's, "within the embrace of this moment, let me be the guardian of your serenity."

In the room adorned with clocks, the symphony of pet names continued, weaving a tale of affection that surpassed the confines of temporal understanding. Yi Sang and Sinclair discovered that in the realm of shared moments, pet names became whispers of love that echoed through the corridors of their unique connection.

Sinclair handed Yi Sang a pacifier and a plushie. "Sweetheart, tokens of tranquility in our shared moments," he whispered. Nestled together, pacifier in place and plushie cradled, they embraced the simplicity of shared dreams. As sleep claimed them, the room echoed with the soft symphony of peaceful breaths, a testament to the love within their connection

SFW interactions only : read my dni before interacting my blog

[gh0stlyb34r]

Welcome to my blog !

About me ! ; the basics

name ; saint , logan , johnny

big age ; 19 ('05)

little age ; 2 - 5

pronouns ; he / they / star / it (+more!)

gender / sexuality ect. ; gay , trans , ace , poly(?)

links at end of post!!

pronouns page | strawpage

About me ! ; my interests

games ; call of duty , overwatch , valorant , hogwarts legacy , jedi fallen order , jedi survivor , red dead redemption 2 , roblox (royale high , dress to impress + more!) , fnaf , poppy playtime , indigo park , forza horizon , resident evil 4 , good pizza great pizza , animal crossing new horizons , mario kart 8 , mario kart wii , just dance , the last of us , detroit become human , spiderman , little nightmares , buckshot roulette

movies / shows / musicals ; star wars , harry potter , marvel , x-men , deadpool & wolverine , the greatest showman , grease , hairspray , moulin rouge , phantom of the opera , annie , hamilton , les miserables , arcane , criminal minds , swat , titains , the batman , high school musical , heartstopper , heathers , young royals , ghostbusters , beetlejuice , into the woods , mean girls , the umbrella academy , nimona , descendants , lemonade mouth , stranger things

youtubers ; pezzy , grizzy , bigpuffer , elasticdroid , gtlive , game theory , warn , aspen , frogger , flats , dawko , ethan nestor , smii7y , blarg , thedooo , beaplays , coleydoesthings , filmcooper , dechart games , hthaze , james marriott , willne

musicians / bands ; taylor swift , hozier , noah kahan , james marriott , mcr , twenty one pilots , p!atd , billie eilish , sleeping at last , the smiths , fleetwood mac , the cranberries , laufey , mitski clairo , paramore , bruno major , depeche mode , chappell roan , novo amor , taylor austen dye , maya hawke , frank sinatra , 1d , 5sos , feels like july , florance the machine , djo , sleep token , lily allen , ghost , lady gaga , gerard way , daughter

misc ; books , lego , monster high , collecting , cds , dvds , posters , flowers , pins , halloween , fall/autumn , deco pacis , colouring

DISCLAIMER ; I do not support the actions of my faves! I hold them all accountable! I do not support JKR , noah schnapp ect!!!

About me ! ; My faves

celebrities / authors ; pedro pascal , oscar isaac , hugh jackman , ryan reynolds , erik j brown , ali hazelwood , tom holland , gerard way , aiden gallagher , kit connor , andrew garfield , ewan mcgregor , hayden christensen , carrie fisher , eddie remain , tom hiddelston , josh hutcherson , david harbour , wynona rider , aaron tveit , matthew gray gubler , maya hawke , natalia dyer , thomas gibson , padget brewster , aj cook

characters ; viktor , jinx , vi , ekko , simon 'ghost' riley , john 'soap' mactavish , kyle 'gaz' garrick , captain john price , keegan p russ , robin buckley , spencer reid , steve harrington , emily prentiss , aaron hotchner , penelope garcia , james potter , remus lupin , sirius black , loki , logan howlett , scott summers , rogue , marc spector , steven grant , obi-wan kenobi , anakin skywalker , luke skywalker , han solo , leia organa , ben hargreeves , luther hargreeves , five hargreeves , newt scamander , theseus scamander , din djarin , wade wilson , danny zuko , ben florian , flynn rider , aziraphale , crowley , nick nelson

My rules ! ; do not interact

nsfw , abdl/ddlg (and variants) , racist, homophobic , transphobic , ableist , zionist , edsh , n@zi , trump supporters , anti agere , anti petre , dsmp/qsmp fans (mainly dream team & wilbur fans)

My rules ; boundaries

when using pet names or gendered terms, keep them masc or gn NO FEM TERMS

DO NOT flirt with me , whether that is as a joke or platonicaly

keep all asks SAFE FOR WORK

more...

Links ; other blogs

writing blog ; @b4bywr1t3s

caregiver blog ; @royaldaycare

Links ; requests and master list

request info / master list / whitelist

Links ; credits

dni banners ; one , two , three

consent banner and dividers ; @kodaswrld

My tags ;

ghostlyblog ; normal posts + asks

ghostlyboards ; moodboards + stimboards

ghostlymedia ; agere media + other photos/videos

🐾 . lo's fictional cgs ; fictional characters that I see as cgs/my cgs

🐾 . lo's fictional faves ; my favourite fictional characters

[ao3feed-style]

Classification In South Park

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/39CDmHe

by kota_sux

An AU where you have to take a classification test that determines whether you're a neutral, Caregiver, or little.

It should be noted that this was orginally written with my Dog OC's so some mistakes might be made and somethings might not add up with the charaters.

This is my first work so I hope you enjoy

Words: 996, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: South Park

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other

Characters: Kyle Broflovski, Stan Marsh, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick, Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Eric Cartman, Wendy Testaburger, Clyde Donovan, Token Black

Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger

Additional Tags: Aged-Up Character(s), Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Trans, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Trans Kyle Broflovski, Author Is Sleep Deprived

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/39CDmHe

[rosebudmendes]

La vie Est Belle (Shawn AU)

Part 2

Description: She has to take care of her ill father. He has to provide for his younger sister. Just when they think their lives couldn’t get busier, fate intervenes. 

Warnings: alcoholic tendencies, anxiety, anger management issues, terminal illness

Word count: 2,483

Reblog & send me your thoughts! I hope you enjoy!

Part 1

———

A loud crash startled you out of deep sleep. The room was mostly dark. There was the smallest amount of sunlight beaming in through the curtains. Following the shattering of glass was a loud groan and anger filled stomps, the clock on the wall reading 5:30 am. It was far too early for your dad to be out of bed. You wrestled with the thought of going to investigate but stopped at the fear of running into a highly intoxicated version of your mother.

You tried to stay clear from her path if it was clear she had been drinking. This meant that you hardly were around her. She always seemed to have a drink in her hand or a migraine that made her irritated at the slightest sound. It used to bother you. In the past, you couldn’t control your anger and your mom was the perfect outlet for irrational yelling. Even hearing her pour herself a drink would send you into a fit of passionate hate. It took a few years of counseling for you to have a grasp on those furious thoughts.

As much as you tried to ignore the sounds coming from the kitchen, you were now wide awake. You still knew it was better off to let time take its course and let her find her way to the bed herself. To fill the time you pulled out your phone. You weren’t expecting to have any messages as you aren’t very close with any of your friends back home. Actually, for the last 6 months, you had kind of been a loner. There was too much pressure on you to take care of your father and be there for your friends. Eventually, everyone stopped inviting you out. Even when you did go out it was rare that you felt alive and appreciated.

This morning, though, you had a message from Shawn. You tried to ignore the tingly feeling the notification gave you, but it was too difficult. Your cheeks rushed with blood and your toes curled slightly.

“I enjoyed talking with you, (y/n). Thanks for returning my wallet xx”

You wanted to reply in a heartbeat, but you stopped when you heard another loud bang come from the kitchen. This time you couldn’t help but rush out to see what was the matter. You opened the bedroom door and what you saw left you in a feeling of despair and shame. It wasn’t your mother at all. She was still passed out on the couch with a drink still in her hand. That meant it had to be your father, and that meant there was something wrong. You scanned the room frantically. He wasn’t in the living room and there was a wet substance on the kitchen tile. Not worrying about the mess, you ran to the bathroom. The door was locked but you could see the light shining brightly through the crack.

“Pops? Are you alright?” It felt like a redundant question; he was probably throwing up. You have learned that as a grown man, he wants to feel in control. He hated when people treated him like a sick puppy. Few people knew what to ask him and when to stand their ground and do what was best for him.

That’s what it all came down to; his health. It didn’t matter what the time was, what day of the week it was, or even what country he was in. This illness was deadly and it had no sense of boundaries, it was relentless. You didn’t bother waiting for an answer, you ran to your phone and instantly called for an emergency vehicle. This may have just been a reaction to the changes in the altitude from traveling, but you didn’t want to take any chances. You were your father's everything, he was all you had. Your mom was probably going to drink herself to death, and your relationship’s all fizzled out. Without your father, you’d be on your own.

Quickly and swiftly, you wiped away the tears that appeared and you started packing bags. The last time your father was admitted to the emergency room, you guys ended up staying for a week without a way back home for clothes. You threw in clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, and an envelope that included all the insurance information and a credit card that had never been used and was the last possible resource.

Just then an aggressive knock on your door alarmed you and woke your mother up. You let the kind doctors in while also updating your mother on what was happening. She only nodded and frantically brushed her hair, shoving a piece of gum in her mouth and putting eye drops in her eyes. You just scoffed and walked away from her.

Now was not the time to worry about appearances. Until now you weren’t aware of what clothes you had on. Pajamas, appropriate enough to wear in public on occasion but obviously sleepwear. You didn’t mind though. You knew about zero people in the city and didn’t feel the need to make a proper first impression.

The emergency vehicle was parked right outside of the resort lobby, the overstimulating lights and sirens making you feel uncomfortable. Although the severity of the illness, there had been only one other time an ambulance was needed for your father.

It was before you were the main caregiver and you had just walked home from school. No one informed you that your dad was even home from work, let alone not feeling well. You remember what it felt like to hear those sirens, watch him be pushed out of the house on a stretcher and not know if he was going to come back. That same feeling was with you now, and you felt as small and helpless as you did back then.

You couldn’t focus on the pain and grief now. He was still alive, he was still breathing. You needed to move forward and prepare yourself for what was next. The hospital was a place of sadness and sorrow. You hated it with all your heart. The only happy memories that anyone ever experiences at a hospital is a birth, and the rest was all too depressing.

The smell of latex and hand sanitizer stung your nose, mixed with the sound of small sniffles and light whispers from one family member to another. It was all so miserable. You knew it was going to be a long day.

You and your mom waited in the waiting room for what felt like days but was only an hour. The doctors finally came out and said some medical stuff that basically meant your father was getting worse. Your mother broke down into hysterical tears, and you remained calm and thanked the doctor.

You hadn’t checked your phone at all and didn’t realize Shawn had texted you again. Even though you were in a state of high emotions, you somehow felt a quick sense of calmness seeing his text.

He sent a picture of him and his younger sister, baking something in the kitchen. The photo was followed with “Sheila wanted to thank you with some homemade bread. Anywhere we can deliver this heavenly loaf? xx”

You smiled internally at the thought of them baking something for you. There was something about his presence that made you feel like life was worth living. Even a simple text message from him, a small token of appreciation for your existence. It almost made you believe that life is beautiful.

You finally replied to both messages from him. “I had a great time at the Diner, too. You can hand deliver any packages to your royal highness at this address…” You tried to come off cheerful as flirtatious as you could. There was no need for him to know what was going on, or that you would be spending the day in a hospital with your terminally ill father. You tried to ignore the idea of his existence so you could focus on the stability and health of your father.

You were allowed to see him after he had been fully examined and the insurance was processed. He looked pale and grey. He was wearing one of those stereotypical hospital gowns and IV cords as unwanted accessories. The tears pricked at your eyes, but you did whatever you could to push them back. You had to be strong for him, you couldn’t let him know to see him like this hurt you. He desperately wanted to be the strong and sufficient father figure that every man aspires to be, but now that he physically couldn't you had to pretend you didn’t need any fatherly help. Even if you did, you never let it show.

“Hey Sweets, how do I look?” He joked. No matter the situation, he always made a humorous comment.

“I think you’ve looked better, Pops.” You sat at the chair close by his bed, and you grabbed his hand that was resting on his side.

“Oh, come on now I think I look pretty darn fabulous” He was resilient, nonetheless.

“Pops, you should know-“

“I’m not getting better am I?” His voice cracked, and he squeezed your hand gently. You nodded, and let the tears fall. His eyes were filled with tears as well.

Neither one of you acknowledged the hurt that found its way between your bodies. You both felt it, knew its presence had never truly gone away. It was stronger now. The hurt was more powerful every day your father lived. The longer this illness was dragged out for, the stronger the pain, the harsher the hurt.

It was going to take a miracle for your family to remain. It would take more than a miracle to keep yourself sane. You brought your lips to his hand and pressed your cheek against him. He was still warm, that was a sign of hope.

You ended up falling asleep next to your father. When you woke up you realized it was almost dark already. You didn’t know if you were so exhausted from jet lag, or from the tiring events of the day. Either way, you needed energy. You went to the coffee station in the hospital cafeteria and sat down at a comfortable lounge chair. On your way over you grabbed a sandwich and a water. Might as well try and eat something, even though you weren’t that hungry.

You were minding your own business when a doctor approached you. “(Y/n)?” He asked, continuing when you nodded. “I regret to inform you that we have strict guests policies in this part of the hospital…” You didn’t have any idea where he was going with this statement. “Unfortunately, only parents and spouses are legally allowed to stay overnight.” He was swaying side to side with his hand glued in his long white jacket. You were confused, tired, and now angry. You didn’t want to lash out at him, you were really trying not to say anything.

“Ok, thank you.” Your response was short and choppy on purpose. He asked if there was anything he could do for you, and you ignored him. You slammed the coffee and food onto the counter table and stormed away.

Sometimes the anger you felt was stronger than any meditation guide and breathing technique. You wanted to scream. You felt like you needed to scream. You ran out of the hospital and sprinted to the resort. As angry as you were that you couldn’t spend the night next to your father, you were relieved that you would be able to sleep in your own bed.

When you arrived outside the resort you felt calmer. Not completely calm, but enough to have a civil conversation with the doorman in passing. You were standing outside the elevator when you felt someone’s presence behind you, Shawn.

“Oh, hi.” You pushed the loose strands of hair behind your ear and fidgeted with the ends of your stained t-shirt. You were not expecting to be seeing him at all today.

“I was just delivering a thank you gift, flowers, and banana bread.” He nervously chuckled. You nodded and awkwardly stood near, waiting for him to say something else.

“Gosh, (y/n) did you get any sleep last night? You don’t look so good.”

“Wow, you sure know how to make a girl feel good about herself.” You would rather make a joke out of his comment than tell him the truth. You could tell by his expression he was not on the same page. “My father, he is in the hospital.”

You didn’t have to look at him to know the surprised look in his eyes. Everyone was stunned when they first hear about his illness, over time you just know better than to watch them process such information.

“(Y/n), I had no idea. I-“ He hardly finished his sentence before setting down the small gifts, and pulling you into a tight hug. One arm was wrapped around your waist, the other was holding your head to his chest. He was so much taller than you, so much stronger than you. Instead of fighting against his act of affection you leaned into it. You wrapped your arms around his muscular waist and inhaled. He smelt of vanilla and cologne again.

“I’m sorry, I don’t like to talk about it.” You mumbled, tears streaming down your rosy cheeks.

“Hey, no need to apologize. You just need to get some rest.” His voice was deep and soft. He somehow managed to show that he was not judging you in the way he spoke and held you. Without letting you go he pressed the elevator button again, and the doors immediately opened.

He was about to pull away, about to leave you alone. Something about the idea of him leaving you made you feel unsettled. You squeezed him harder, hoping he would get the hint.

“You could stay if you want.”

“Is that what you want?” He was swaying gently now, the warmth between you becoming thick and excessive.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

Shawn kissed the top of your head and you practically fell, becoming weak in the knees. He swiftly turned you around and laced his fingers between yours. This feeling was incredible. More intense than anyone you had ever touched before. It was almost as if you had met in a past life and were being reconnected. The universe has a funny way of making things happen, and for once you were able to understand the beauty in all of this pain.

Taglist: [thanks to @stockholmshawn for helping edit this, go give her a follow!] @lou-and-me @yellowitsmendes

[ohimesama]

1.16.23 Monday

8:54 pm

Just got back from my duty on Mommy Adnil....Before going home,dropped by at Savemore and bought some food here in the house and my milk and cereal again... I need calcium in my system...

I bought Uncle Jun his another silka modeling, "silka papaya deodorant"... A simple token for taking care of John... But he is not actually cleaning the living room....Things that I worry...

But awhile ago my grandmother fed John, she told me that John was obeying her....I'm happy to hear it...

Still,having the windblow trap of ManaloZ cult and still thinking of money and wanna buy starbucks everyday...

9:18 pm

Still, worrying so much....Still, wanna leave the hometown,one day hoping for more progress... And yeah still,having sciatica pain. Actually my entire left body is weirdly aching...

I still feel fat and ugly and I feel really ugly...

9:25 pm

Ms Enaoj gave me some 6 garlic and small onions from ilocos... Let's not go beyond,it is just onions... She is nice and I'm doing my job professionally... Giving my best effort and my best service as their caregiver...

Kuya OJ fetched me coz I have sciatica and I'm avoiding to do long walking coz Mommy Adnil house is 1km or 1km and half before you can go out of their subdivision...

My job is not a joke...If you can't build a professional friendship with Mommy Adnil and the rest of her family, it is the most boring and saddest job... But of course you have to have maturity and put heart or give love and care on it and things will be positive, in a way...

9:38 pm

I don't have a friend named Patty coz she damaged my name on my job...

Still,longing to have friend, a special friend who can help me on my sciatica treatment.

I miss Anid in a way,my mysterious friend that I met in Nigthingale...

10 pm

My baby is sleeping already...Done,eating my dinner and I cleaned the kitchen in a way...

I wanna go to gym but I don't have extra money and don't have a way for now....One of disadvantages of being a caregiver, hmm....You will not have time to exercise or maybe it is just me? Coz I don't have savings yet... No extra money and I'm self-pitying for that...

I miss having attention on men that I like but there is none for now and no one is existing...

Still,thinking of money and I feel fat and ugly...

10:18 pm

Still,fixing the kitchen....Sleepy but I have to...

11:29 pm

Resting drinking my coffee and will take my warm water shower then sleep...

Still,hating this windblow trap....I feel so sleepy and tired but will still take my shower.

To be continued....