#Silm crack

[eloquentsisyphianturmoil]

Caranthir owns most of beleriand’s sheep

[gondolindon]

the fact that 'nolo' (derived from the root for wisdom) means embarrassing/cringe in finnish is hilarious to me. in cringe there is wisdom. professor's words not mine

[sillymarillion-comics]

Sorry everyone but this is how i headcanon Huan from now on, idc...

[elvinye]

house of finwë vs. public transport

fëanor: does not wait for other people to get off the train/bus before he pushes his way on

maedhros: forgets that changing trains/buses/etc takes time and is always late. has left fingon waiting on the platform for him many times. uncountable tears have been shed over this

maglor: listening to music on his phone without headphones

fingon: manspreads

caranthir: set up a fare evasion insurance system

curufin: stole finrod's yearly pass and uses that

celegorm: insists huan counts as a service dog

amrod + amras: abuse babyface to pay student rates for many years after they graduate

turgon: takes his bike on peak hour trains

celebrimbor: has hacked his phone so the eticket reads as "paid" even though he has never paid in his life

finrod: will sit next to you on an empty bus and try to talk to you. yes, even if you have headphones on.

aredhel: somehow always ends up at the opposite end of the carriage to her family/friends. has the worst stories about train weirdos

[stormygopher]

The best possible adaptation of The Silmarillion would be musical in the style of SIX with all the kings of the Noldor singing about their horrific deaths.

[cilil]

So in canon we see Mairon convincing people to worship Melkor as their God while Melkor isn't present, but imagine him doing it while he is there with him, misbehaving as usual because he gets bored quickly.

Mairon: Behold, your lord and savior! Some mortal: Wait. The goth guy who's scribbling dicks all over my wall with pink chalk??? Mairon: (his smile becomes very forced) The lord enjoys painting.

[overlord-of-fantasy]

Elronds messed up hair headcanon

As Elrond is part Maia, he has inherited some magical powers. One of them is super spacious hair (think Eda from the owl house).

He trapped Maglor in it and wont let him out, untill he reaches Valinor.

If his kids are noughty, they go to hair jail.

The first time Arwen meets her grandpa is in her dads hair.

During some battle in the late first age a Balrog stumbled and fell into Elronds hair. He never found a way out. Sometimes Elrond's hair shoots fire because of this. Sometimes it calls annoying diplomats "stupid elvish scum". One time Elrohir found the Balrog's sword while in hair jail and just kept it. The Balrog and Maglor became unlikeky friends over time.

[elerrinacrownedwithstars]

Hot Takes and Conspiracy Theories About the Silm by Fourth Age Gondorians

(this post stemmed from the idea of the Silm as a part of some very ancient manuscripts Tolkien was just translating, and how it may compare to real world epics like Edda - stories that may have started as poems and songs written down centuries after the fact in a completely different mode and by someone with very different cultural background than the original context of the poems and possibly with motives about promoting himself or his ancestors. so what if this was how Fourth Age Gondorians regarded the Silm as well and had schools of thought and self-taught enthusiasts debating what the stories actually mean? what kind of takes would they come up with?)

The Two Trees

Valinor did not have some special light-emanating trees and they did not actually die, it's just a nature myth that metaphorically talks about a period when the sky literally darkened; this was caused by some unknown natural disaster (like the explosion of a supervolcano).

references to Tree-light and Elves being enhanced by it is just Noldorin propaganda. 

The Silmarils were not real. At least not as they are portrayed in the Silm. 

there are various theories as to what they really were (religious artifacts? some mandate of rulership? just really pretty jewels and everybody exaggerated how special they were? some kind of a super weapon?), but also more philosophical suggestions that the Silmarils are the elements of air, water and earth itself (hint hint that's why they eventually become part of these), and the struggle over them represents the struggle over rulership of Beleriand/Middle-earth. that in the end the Silmarils aren't really possessed by anyone reflects how all kingdoms eventually fall and nobody under Eru can be a master of the world. 

Fëanor was not a real guy and the sons of Fëanor were not actually related to one another.

like who even is that great and perfect?

he's probably just some kind of a bogeyman made up by the Sindar

did anyone in Beleriand ever even see him? CONVENIENT that he spontaneously combusted almost immediately after he came to Beleriand

also who names their kid "the spirit of fire"??? what if it's not a personal name of any elf but more like a title? or a name associated with some entity that had religious following in Valinor?

there's a clue to this in how Fëanor's supposed sons are mostly referred to as "the sons of Fëanor" or "Fëanorians": it bears thinking that they were not actually related to one another, but "Fëanorian" was a title in a same way that "Fëanor" was a title. It doesn't mean an ACTUAL son to a guy named Fëanor but a devotee to whatever the entity or title named Fëanor represented. 

(they couldn't be real brothers because there just can't be that many hair colours in one family.)

MAYBE FËANORIANS WERE SOME KIND OF A CULT

it was probably some kind of a death cult obsessed with blood and murder, considering their body count 

also because of this they were kicked out of Valinor and all stories about how they WANTED to leave are propaganda. 

Celeborn was at least three or four different guys.

How else do you explain the different versions about who he was?

the one who fathered Celebrían was Galadriel's real true love, but he died in obscure circumstances

this theory you don't really want to talk about much, because you don't want to insult Queen Arwen. Also the current Celeborn may come after you. 

Beren did not actually die and come back

his first death is a symbolic one: he had been estranged from his relatives and people, but by marrying Lúthien he completely leaves behind that life and "dies" as a member of the House of Bëor to become a part of the House of Elwe

he did not come again among Men after marrying Lúthien, in other words he was dead to his original society

the sequence in Mandos where Lúthien pleads for pity was originally a description of a courting scene that got bastardised along the way; she had to go to the remaining members of the House of Bëor and ask for Beren's hand in marriage. They would not agree unless Beren gave up his claim to the title of chieftain, i. e. he has symbolically died. 

Melian was actually Ungoliant

that's why Doriath lasted so long, Morgoth was still scared shitless of her and didn't dare go anywhere near her

Nan Dunghortheb was literally her backyard!!!

why else Lúthien would be able to weave weird dream cloaks???

Húan wasn't a dog, he was an Elf

the idea that he was a dog came from: 

he was the best tracker in Aman, so in Beleriand he was called "The Hound of Valinor". Later generations thought this literally meant he was a dog.  

whoever wrote down the legends about him was a wishful idiot who loved dogs and wanted them to be able to talk (understandable)

Something Weird Was Going On With Maeglin

aside from the obvious, of course

were Aredhel and Eöl really his parents though? was Aredhel even married to Eöl? 

maybe Maeglin was a thrall of Morgoth, or was born in captivity and brainwashed to be loyal, and his task from the beginning was to bring Gondolin down

Aredhel did leave Gondolin like the Silm says, but stuff did not go down like the story tells. 

-during her wanderings, Aredhel somehow found Maeglin and saw him as her shot to stage a coup in Gondolin by claiming he was her son (and male heir for the kingdom). Eöl never existed. Or if he did, he was a random guy Aredhel met and used to her own ends. 

Turgon found out about Aredhel's plans (but not about Maeglin) and he was the one who actually killed her.

maybe she was a Fëanorian cult member in secret and was trying to take over Gondolin for them

Túrin son of Húrin, Mormegil, Turambar and the other aliases associated with The Children of Húrin were actually all different guys

nobody can get up to that much weird shit

the real Túrin probably died in Doriath and Melian covered it up

Elured and Elurin survived. They changed their names and became Elrond and Elros. 

Maglor is the Bigfoot of Middle-earth. There is a dedicated fanclub that keeps track of sightings (which are as obscure and bonkers as you could imagine). 

if you subscribe to "Fëanorians were a death cult" theory, then Maglor is actually an ominous cryptid that foretells misfortunes. 

Thingol is alive and lives as a hermit somewhere in Mirkwood.

Thranduil is aware of it and in fact he has helped to keep it secret all this time.

There are also hot takes about Eärendil and Elwing and whether they were real people. 

Eärendil is a half-elf, actual Star and God's favourite little guy. He has a flying ship and travels in space. He keeps an eye on Satan himself. His birth was foretold, he fought and killed the biggest dragon in history in a massive air battle that caused an entire mountain to collapse, and he may have killed Ungoliant. No real person is that special. 

Elwing wouldn't do what bunch of men (who were maybe in a death cult) told her, she's obviously a villain if she existed. She can't die (was directly prevented by divine powers when she tried to) and chose to be immortal. Also being God's favourite little gal and having the ability to turn into a bird? Very suspicious. 

Silmarien and her descendants were the true heirs of Númenor and if they had ruled, Númenor would still exist

the ruling line had many problematic characters that were not well suited to the role

it also culminated in Ar-Pharazon and all the tragedy that his actions brought

Silmarien inherited some of the most important heirlooms from the First Age, which proves that even her father thought she was the true heir

also Silmarien's descendants survived to maintain was what left of the culture and wisdom of Númenor; further proof of Silmarien's right.

[vildo]

Fëanor: no one’s dying on my watch

Fëanor: go die somewhere I can’t see you

[millenariumhappinesstheorem]

The real silmarils were the friends we made along the way

[eloquentsisyphianturmoil]

Dare I say it. Maedhros Russiandoll.

[eri-pl]

Elrond: So, ummm, my lady... Galadriel: You want to mary Celebrian. Elrond: ... Galadriel: (enigmatic smile) You know, peredhel, this reminds me of Melian. She taught me many things... Elrond: ??? Galadriel: ...I have a request for you. It involves a magical gem. Elrond: *panic* Galadriel: (still an enigmatic smile) Elrond: *more panic* Galadriel: You can marry her, but I'll give her Elessar as my wedding present. *happy troll face*

[elvinye]

games banned in the house of finwë

monopoly. fëanor once tried to kill fingolfin over rent

secret hitler and werewolf. it's actually too painful to watch finrod repeatedly fall for whoever is lying (it's somehow always celegorm & curufin)

snap! (the table broke)

pictionary. someone was a little bit rude to nerdanel once about one of her drawings and everyone felt bad

any language based game (fëanor)

jenga. turgon gets uncomfortably intense

poker. they are all hideously in debt to caranthir.

snakes and ladders. there were too many fights over whether you had to land on the EXACT final square to win. blood may or may not have been drawn over this issue.

[camille-lachenille]

Thinking about how Celebrimbor gave Círdan one of the Elven Rings and what could have been Círdan’s reaction.

Celebrimbor: here’s a powerful ring I forged in the greatest secrecy. I trust you to keep it secret, keep it safe.

Círdan, looking at this little ring like it might explode at any moment: Thanks, that’s kind of you but, knowing your family history with cursed jewellery, I hope you don’t get mad at me if I pass it on the next person willing to hide that ring. Also why the ring of fire, I live on a port city? *proceeds to hide Narya in a box in his underwear drawer until Gandalf arrives in Middle-Earth*

Celebrimbor: …well, that’s fair enough.

[cilil]

Imagine being literal Satan and then you hire this little twink to work for you and suddenly you get bossed around in your own fortress and permanently shamed for your utter lack of organization skills

[ughtumno]

real picture of mairon's first day as a bad guy

gothmog took it

also his expression kills me