#Shelby is so so brave I hope she can heal from this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wiener-soldiers · 4 years ago

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heal my soul with your lips - tommy shelby

request: “idea: tommy with a singer or just someone that's musically talented” from anon

summary: a melodic voice helped him through the depths of hell once. the same melodic voice finds him once more or tommy shelby recognizes the sweet voice of nurse that sung to the soldiers in france in a jazz club in london.

pairing: tommy shelby x fem!reader (race non-specific)

words: 3.9k

warnings: some themes of ptsd (it’s subtle), jealous tommy!

a/n: based off this head cannon. also, the song i used was “through the valley” by shawn james and IK it’s not period accurate; the song just fits the show so well i couldn’t not use it. also also, ik made the name of the club an awful combination of french and english. i speak french so ik it’s awful, but it’s intentional.

masterlist | add yourself to the taglist! | faq

Tommy Shelby heard you before he met you.

He was in a field hospital in God-knows where. Somewhere in France, obviously, but he didn’t remember where exactly. They were ordered to keep pushing forward, but with his days underground and his endless tunnelling, it was impossible to know how much ground they had covered.

As it turns out, he was closer to the enemy lines than he realized and a brief but bloody squabble in a tunnel under the gunfire left him with a stab wound in his leg.

He practically dragged himself to a field hospital before plopping himself on the nearest empty cot. His condition wasn’t terrible, a nurse had told him, as the knife had missed a major blood vessel. But the prospect of living another day didn’t excite Tommy, it was the promise that he would probably be one of the later patients to be treated and he could rest in an actual cot instead of the cold, wet ground, even for a few hours.

He laid in the bed, trying not to aggravate his wound further, and slowly shut his eyes. Strangely, he felt tranquil. Yes, he could hear the screams of soldiers, the cries of anguish, the gunfire and the shells dropping, but he felt at peace. Laying undisturbed at the Somme was a win for him.

Suddenly, he hears a voice cut through the violent sounds that filled the ear. It was hauntingly beautiful, so much so that Tommy wondered if that the nurse who had spoken to him at first had been wrong and he was on the brink of death.

But the voice persisted. Soft. Unrelenting. Beautiful. He assumed that the woman singing was further within the hospital, closer to the more severe patients. The cries and screams of the men seemed to stop and even the battlefield seemed to quiet. It’s like everyone took breath to hear her voice, Allies and Central powers alike.

The juxtaposition between beauty and darkness was almost too much for Tommy as he felt his chest start to squeeze. He suddenly felt nostalgic for home, for his family, for his brothers. Instead, he was fighting in a war that wasn’t his.

“Sergeant Major Shelby,” a voice calls. It’s a new nurse this time and she looks as exhausted as he is. He notices the tray she’s carrying and how it’s full of medical equipment. He sighs; it was time to get his stitches and his moment of tranquility was now over.

---

Years later, he and his brothers are walking through the streets of London like the own the city. It was comical, really. Tommy had just started a war with Darby Sabini, one of the most influential men in London, and he had the confidence of a man who had just killed a hundred men single-handedly.

The Shelby brothers hopped from club to club, drinking in the lavish London lifestyle which paled in comparison to the more humble pubs back in Birmingham. Though his brothers couldn’t help but try their hands at some snow (and even something stronger), Tommy kept his distant, trying to stay aware.

Eventually, their energy began to die down and the brother stumbled into their final club for the evening. It was quieter than the others, Tommy notices, but perhaps it’s because the night was getting quite late.

The club was painted a deep red with gold decor to compliment, but what stuck out to him was the rest of the decorations: military medals, entire walls lined with them. Batered Union Jacks hung from door archways, ones that looked like they had been brought back from France. Finally, a wall full of photographs of men in their uniforms. Veterans, Tommy realized. The one’s that didn’t make it home, he noticed, as their birth and death years were on display. He then notices the vases filled with poppies on nearly every table and every spare ledge.

And then a voice.

“I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

and I fear no evil because I’m blind to it all.”

It feels as if the air from Tommy’s lungs had been sucked out. It was the same voice from the Somme. It was louder now and he could hear it more clearly...it was even more beautiful than he remembered.

“And my mind and my gun, they comfort me,

because I know I’ll kill my enemies when they come.”

His chest starts to squeeze again, just like it did when he was on that cot in the cramped field hospital. He froze, seemingly transported back to the warfront. His brothers paid him no mind however, as they stumbled to the bar to order a drink.

“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I’ll dwell on this Earth forevermore.”

“You served?” a voice calls to him. It’s a man who’s slumped in a chair, staring at the medals on the wall in melancholy.

“Yes,” Tommy answers curtly.

“You have that look about you,” the drunken man says. “All soldiers get that look when she sings that song.”

“Said, I walk beside the still waters

and they restore my soul.”

“You see a lot of soldiers here, then?” Tommy asks the man.

He laughs, shaking his head sadly. He lifts he glass up to Tommy and says candidly, “Brother, I am one. This is where the soldiers with the Flanders Blues come. Too violent to fit back into normal life, too tired to fight another war aside from the one in our own heads.”

“But I can’t walk on the path of the right

because I’m a wrong.”

Tommy finally looks at the direction of the singing and locks eyes with you. You’re standing on a small stage at the end of the club, swaying to the haunting jazz tune of the piano. Behind you was a large Union Jack, soot stained in the fabric and filled with bullet holes. You were a vision, in Tommy’s eyes. You sung beautifully into the microphone, your satin red dress accentuating the dips and curves in your body. The men in the pub, most likely soldiers according to the drunk man Tommy spoke to, stared at you in wonder and sadness. You seemed to be an enigmatic cure for their sorrows. You sung of tragedy and sadness, but you seemed to be the light guiding them through the darkness. Tommy fell into your trance as quickly as the other men.

“Said, I walk beside the still waters

and they restore my soul.

But I know when I die,

my soul is damned.”

You held your final note as the pianist hit the final key and the crowd clapped in muted and bittersweet cheer. You still smiled, understanding that a large reaction wasn’t appropriate especially given the men in the room knew that death was nothing glorious. A few men walked up to you, sincerely thanking you through their unshed tears before leaving the club to return to their families. You conversed with the pianist as you sipped a glass of water when you noticed that his expression began to falter.

“Mr. Shelby,” the pianist stutered out, looking over your shoulder at someone behind you.

You turned to look behind you and noticed the man who had caught your stare approaching. His face was hardened and his aura was dark and dangerous, but you saw through it immediately. He was no different from the veterans who flocked to the pub every night.

“Evening,” Mr. Shelby replied. “You know who I am?” he asks, voice neutral but laced in curiosity. He had just come to London, even he was slightly surprised about his reach.

The pianist nods, “My cousin works in one of your factories, sir.”

Mr. Shelby curtly nods before saying, “You wouldn’t mind if I spoke to the lady then, would you?”

“Of course, good evening to you both,” he says respectfully before turning to leave.

“Mr. Shelby then, is it?” you say without the intimidation in your voice. You’ve been through and seen a lot in France and you know how the men acted when no one was watching when they returned home. It was going to take a lot for you to feel intimidated. “What can I help you with?”

“You were a nurse, weren’t you? You were at the Somme,” he says, though it didn’t seem like a question.

Your eyes widen, taken aback slightly by his forwardness and his accurate description of your time as a nurse on the front. “I was. Have we met?”

Tommy shakes his head no. “I was getting stitches in a field hospital when I heard your voice,” he explains.

You laugh lightly, though it feels strained. Tommy understands why. “The men find it easier to take the pain if I sing to them.”

“Is that why you sing here? In front of all these broken soldiers?” he asks. You can’t tell if he’s being condescending or curious. It was hard to read men like him, despite the practice you had every day.

You decide to answer honestly, hoping that it would allow you to see the man he was on the inside. “I was too hot-headed to stay a nurse after the war, but I still wanted to help because I knew most of the men were as broken, if not more, once the returned home than they were in France. So, here I am. The singing seemed to help them in France, why not let it help them here as well?” you say softly, still bravely staring at his face. You watch his facade crack, just a little.

“You think I’m like the rest of them, then? A soldier too tired to fight another war except for the one in his own head?” he asks, testing her.

You don’t falter and reach forward to flick his collar where blood had spattered from his fight in Sabini’s club. “I think you died back there. In France, I mean. So, you keep finding and fighting new wars to distract yourself from the one goin’ on in your head.”

You worry that your candor is too much for him, but Tommy stares at you in what you could only call as affectionately.

“Was this place always a pub for soldiers, then?” Tommy asks, hearing himself become more comfortable.

You laugh, eyes crinkling slightly, and Tommy finds the sound as addicting as your voice. “You’re definitely new around here,” you tease. “Before the war, this club was full of classist, elistist toffs who rejoiced the King. None of them faught. When the war was over, the soldiers basically drove them out with their horrific stories of France and their despise for the Crown. Turned it into the place it is today. The owner’s son served and he was more than happy for the change.”

“How’d you end up here?”

“So many questions, Mr. Shelby,” you continue to tease, hoping to get a reaction out of him.

“I find you very intriguing,” he remplies simply, pulling out a cigarette.

“You don’t even know my name,” you point out.

The corner of his lip quirks upwards and you find yourself grinning slightly at your success. “It’s Y/N. Reckon I should spare you from the pain of suspense,” you say, breaking out into a smile as you do so.

“Tommy,” he says, grabbing your hand and pressing his lips to it.

“Oi, Tom!” a thick Brummie accent shouts through the club. “Arthur’s piss-faced and can barely fuckin’ walk. We should go.”

Tommy sighs against your knuckles and you giggle slightly. “Your brothers?” you ask, making note of a younger man attempting to haul an older one with a moustache out of a bar stool.

“Hmm,” he nods, before taking a step back. “Can I see you again?”

“You know where I work,” you tease and he rolls his eyes in an amused manner.

“I was thinking dinner,” he says boldly and you grin.

“Come back tomorrow and ask me again,” you smirk before brushing past him and walking into the back room.

---

Tommy did come back the next night and asked again. You said yes, slightly shocked that he fufilled your request. He didn’t seem like the type of man particularly fond of taking orders, but rather the type of man who often gave them. If being around veterans every day taught you anything, it was how to read those who didn’t want to be read.

Your dinner date turned into two, then three, then weekly visits from Tommy, then weekends spent alone in your apartment, then you visiting Birmingham, then you meeting his family. Neither of you had talked about where exactly you stood in a relationship because it was seemingly obvious.

Tommy was infatuated with you and you easily returned the sentiment.

He had learned that you aren’t really from anywhere because you moved around countless times with your parents as they tried to find work. So, it wasn’t too hard to convince you to move to Birmingham to live with him after nearly a year of courting.

You had been slightly pained at the prospect of leaving your old club behind, especially since the owner was getting old and his son was involved in his own medical career to take over the business, so Tommy made a quick move to buy the club from him and began running it as one of his legitimate businesses in London.

It’s a gift, he had told you but that didn’t stop you from nearly burst into tears. That club meant a lot to you, as it was a safe haven for both you and the soldiers it serviced. Tommy had put you in charge, so you hired a few people—all veterans, most of them regulars who were eager to help keep the business alive—to manage the place while you were in Birmingham. Every few weeks, you’d make the trip to London for a few performances. Though you hired new girls to sing, the club was still filled like no other night when you were in town. You called it The Club Infirmerie, an ode to the field hospital in the Somme where Tommy had first heard you sing. More and more veterans flocked there to heal amongst the music and amonst their fellow soldiers, just as you hoped.

When you were in Birmingham, you involved yourself in business where you could. You had no problem with the kind of work Tommy was involved in, to his delight, but there was still a lot you didn’t fully understand. Polly did her best to groom you in the more complex side of business, but you still gravitated to a more manegerial role. So, Tommy put you in charge of most logistics of the factories and clubs he owned. Your favourite establishment, however, was The Garrison.

“Look’s a little like the Inifirmerie, Tommy,” you teased him as he showed you around The Garrison for the first time, arm slung around your shoulders as you gazed at the decor of the pub.

“I may have gotten some design inspiration from you, darlin’,” he hummed, pressing kiss to your temple.

Like The Club Infermerie, you had set up a small stage, piano, and microphone to have performers in The Garrison. When you were doing this, Tommy opened up and explained why there had been no singing in his pub before; the pub was void of singing becauase of Grace and her betrayal. You kissed him softly, a reminder that you were different and that were staying. Tommy’s heart swelled as you found another way to slowly heal his soul with your lips.

On that particular Friday, The Garrison was more full than usual, partly because there had been word that you were to perform a set that evening. The bar was bustling as men and women of all backgrounds ordered drink after drink. You, Harry, and Arthur had a hard time keeping up, so you inlisted the help of Finn and Isaiah who had been sharing a pint with some younger Peaky’s at the end of the bar.

“Oi! Finn, ‘Saiah, c’mere!” you shout, filling another pint.

“What is it, Y/N?” Finn asks as he approached you, Isaiah in tow.

“Hop ‘round the back and take over for a bit, will ya?” you ask quickly, wiping your hands on the skirt of your work dress. “I need to prepare for my set.”

"Course,” Isaiah says kindly and agreed to help right away, though you aren’t blind to the small crush the younger boy harbored towards you, which is probably why he had been eager to help.

Finn, however, groans. The effect of being seen as a sibling to him, you suppose. “’S what hiring more people’s for, Y/N,” he complains, dragging his feet as you approach him. “Why’d I gotta do it?”

You squint your eyes playfully at Finn before saying, “I’ll let you have a glass of whiskey.”

“And you won’t let Tommy take it away?” he says skeptically.

“I won’t let Tommy take it away,” you confirm.

Finn perks back up again and pecks your cheek before shouting, “This is why I like you better than Tommy!” You laugh to yourself as you slip into the snug to change out of your work dress into a fancy, silk one. It’s one Tommy had purchased on a business trip to London because he said it reminded him of what you were wearing when you first met. The dress was long, almost a gown, but it still abandonned the old, Edwardian silhouette in favour of a more modern one. In fact, the dress was more scandoulous than most, with the neckline and back dipping deep into your chest and back and a slit in the skirt as climbing as high as your thigh. The red of the dress was deep and luxiourious, matching the walls of The Garrison.

The moment you stepped out of the snug, it’s like the crowd had parted for you and allowed you to walk through the pub interrupted until you reached the stage. It’s not the awe of your presence that drawed you to keep singing, but the calmness and tranquility that followed. Throughout your set, the peaceful daze that fell over the pub persisted. Tommy had entered The Garrison halfway through the set, having just finished business, and he fell back into your spell just as easily as everyone else. He loved that about you—how easily you could calm a rowdy crowd. It meant you could just as easily calm his thundering and monstrous soul. He leaned on the threshold of the snug, watching you sing with a content smile on his face.

When the set was over, the crowd errupted into applause. Women flocked forward and gushed to you about your performance and men stared longingly from afar. You were Tommy’s girl and they knew you weren’t to be trifled with.

Unfortunately, someone had not gotten the message. Rather, he got the message but simply didn’t care.

Tommy noticed Finn and Isaiah behind the bar and apporached them curiously. Upon seeing his brother, Finn grinned at him.

“Whiskey, Tom?” Finn asks cheekily. He knows the answer will be yes anyway, so he starts preparing his drink.

“What’re you doin’ behind the bar?” Tommy asks, accepting the whiskey from Finn.

“Y/N asked us to help because she needed to prepare for the set,” Isaiah explains, filling up another pint.

Tommy smirks at him. “I know why you’re helping behind the bar, Isaiah,” he jokes, referring to the crush the young Blinder has on his girl, “I was asking why Finn was.”

“Can’t I just be a helping hand?”

“She offered you whiskey, didn’t she?”

Finn groans. “C’mon, Tom! Just this once? She said she wouldn’t let you take it away! It’s been ages since you let me have a glass.”

“What about that time Y/N patched you up after getting into a pub fight, eh?” Tommy notes, teasing his brother further. “Nearly had half a bottle there ‘cos you wouldn’t stop fuckin’ wailin’.”

“I was in pain,” Finn defends himself, but with no malice in his voice. He liked that he could joke around with his brother again; that was all your doing. “’S not my fault the bloke stabbed me with a rusty fuckin’ knife.”

“Sorta is, Finny boy.”

“Uh, Tommy?” Isaiah interrupts with a confused look on his face as he stares in the distance. “Is he supposed to be doing that?” he continues, nodding in your direction.

Tommy turns his head in your direction and his jaw clenches.

“I’m tellin’ ya, love, your voice? Fan-fucking-tastic. Couldn’t have captured the sound of heaven betta’ meself,” the man talking to you chuckled, placing a large hand on your waist.

You tried your best not to get flustered, “I’m really glad you enjoyed it Mr. Solo—”

“Alfie.”

Both you and Alfie turned to face Tommy who was staring at the later with more distate than you’ve ever seen.

“Ah, Tommy! Good to see you, m’friend,” Alfie cheers loudly, sticking his hand out for Tommy to shake. Tommy’s doesn’t budge.

“I see you’re getting reaquainted with Y/N,” Tommy notes bitterly. You catch Tommy’s stare and you almost laugh at how jealous he’s getting.

“What can I say, Tom? She’s a sight to see. And hear for that matter,” Alfie jokingly puts his hand on his chin inquisitivley. “I wonder what she sounds like in b—”

“Right, that’s enough,” Tommy hisses, grabbing your hand and dragging you away. He can hear Alfie’s booming laughter in the distance as he pulls you into the snug. Luckily, it’s empty.

“Tom—”

You’re interrupted by a harsh kiss to the mouth, with Tommy’s hands wrapping themselves around your waist as he backs you into the table, forcing you to sit on it.

“Well, hello love,” you giggle against his lips. “What’re you doin’, handsome?”

“Didn’t like the way he was looking at you. Or touchin’ you,” he grumbles harshly, moving his lips to your neck.

“You’re not one to act like that in public. In front of him for that matter,” you note, letting your hands squeeze Tommy’s hair as he kisses and especially sensitive spot.

“Can’t help it,” you says against your neck and you snort.

“Yeah you can, darlin’,” you say, pulling away to look at him. “Everything alright?”

Tommy stares at you, mentally debating with himself, before saying, “That bastard was supposed to meet me today before I came here but he bailed. Came here pissed to the fucking moon ‘til I heard you sing. Turns out, he was here watching you up close while I was in my office waiting for his fuckin’ pompous ass.”

“Probably just wanted to rile you up,” you say ernestly. “Don’t let him.”

Tommy kisses you again before muttering against your lips, “If where this is going is me getting riled up, I wouldn’t be opopsed.”

You almost let out a moan, but choke it back and say, “Tom, someone’ll hear!”

Tommy pulls away, a mischevious smirk and a dark look in his eye forming. “He wants to know what you sound like, eh? Let him.”

#tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby imagine #thomas shelby x reader #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders x reader #tommy shelby #thomas shelby #peaky blinders #anyway im back on my tommy shit and i WILL be writing more #wiener soldiers #tommy shelby fic #thomas shelby fic #peaky blinders fic

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wouldpollyapprove · 4 years ago

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Tortured, Broken, Brave

Request: imagine tommy accidentally blinding the reader- like she scared him and he just whips around and slices her- idk i’ve been thinking about it and i kinda want a request?

Requested by Anonymous

Thomas Shelby x Reader

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: Violence, mention of war. mention of ptsd

A/N: I was so torn with this. I love the idea because Tommy is such a complex character when it comes to emotions. You may think he’ll react one way but it’ll be the total opposite. I just had such a hard time deciding on if I wanted it to be a blurb or a headcanon. In the end, I think it’s more of a oneshot an pretty pleased with it.

Masterlist

It had been a year since the war that tore apart the world ended. A year since the men who were left standing returned home. And it had been a year since Y/n had greeted the love of her life, the shell of the man who had left four years earlier.

Like everyone who protected the home-front, Y/n knew that Tommy wouldn’t be the same once he returned home. As it was expected, she wasn’t surprised by the sleepless nights. In the dark hours of the evening, she’d sit beside her husband, give him the comfort he needed, whether he wanted to be held or just sit in silence next to her. Whatever he needed, Y/n gave him. Over time, Tommy began to heal, or so he led everyone to believe.

Stepping back into the family business, Thomas Shelby pretended to be a bronze statue: strong and mighty. With no scratches or dents to ruin his polished exterior, many thought the man was untouchable. And, for the most part, he was. His whole family could see that the war tortured the happy boy that lived inside him, leaving him battered and broken. The once happy personality that was evident in his smile and bright eyes, ran for the hills, hiding in a place where it couldn’t be found. The man Tommy used to be was never to return, a fact that Y/n would have to get used to.

Y/n shut the door behind her quickly in a daft attempt to keep the cold air out. It would still seep in under the door and through the thin window panes, but she didn’t like to think about that. Unwrapping her scarf, she hung it on the coat rack, silently wondering if her husband was home. Tommy was at the betting shop when she’d left for the market, that had been hours ago but the place had become his second home since his return and wouldn’t have surprised her if he was going over the books in his office. Y/n took the basket of produce she’d collected to the kitchen before setting off to find Tommy.

Silently, she crept through the house, searching for a sign of life. Usually, it wasn’t hard to tell if he was home. Tommy liked to perch himself in the drawing-room with a cigarette and paperwork, but as she stood in the archway, her husband couldn’t be seen. Moving along, Y/n walked pasted the guest bedroom. It had been turned into a makeshift office and, down the road, it would hopeful become a nursery. Taking a few steps back, Y/n caught sight of light seeping under the office door. As it was ajar, she didn’t bother knocking, though she knew it would have been best, a lightly pushed against the wood with her knuckles. Her footsteps were absorbed by the wood flooring, not a sound echoing through the room as she approached the man hunched over the small desked.

“You wor-” Y/n started, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder before she was violently cut off, the feeling of flesh being torn as cool metal sliced threw her tender skin. Adrenaline pumping threw her viens, she stumbled back, clutching her cheek. In front of her, Tommy stood, wide-eyed and horrified, with a blade, crimson red in color as her blood dripped onto the floor.

The blade clattered against the hardwood, Tommy’s face turning an alarming shade white. His hands shook as he held them up, “What have I done?” he muttered to himself, but his wife caught it.

In any other circumstance, Y/n would have fled the room, searching for safety, but she saw no danger from where she stood. Slowly she lowered her blood-stained hands and stepped towards the broken man in front of her like he was a wounded animal. “Tommy, hey, it’s alright. Just a cut,” she smiled at him, hoping it would bring back some color in him. It did not. “It’ll mend in a day or two.”

He shook his head, raking a hand threw his already disheveled hair. “No, no it’s not. It not.” He shook his head once more and walked past her and into the hall. The expression, that of a man that believed he deserved the noose, brought tears to Y/n’s eyes. She knew that Tommy often wished the war had taken him, but to see it written clearly on his face made her want to drown him in love and never let the nasty world touch him.

Alone in her thoughts, Y/n was left to tend to her own wound as Tommy left the house, drowning in misery. Tommy had never raised a hand to her, something he swore he would never do, he was likely walking along the canal, kicking himself for his actions. Knowing him like the back of her hand, Y/n knew he thought she’d only disregarded what he’d done because she was trying to make him feel better, feel less like a monster. But that wasn’t the case. As Y/n whipped a damp cloth across her face, she forgave him.

The war had left him empty and Y/n knew it would take time for him to become whole again. It was foolish of her to scare him like that, his reaction was on her whether he saw it that way or not. All she wanted was for him to get better, to allow himself to heal, that couldn’t be done if he feared what he was capable of.

That night, Tommy didn’t come home, leaving a cold spot next to Y/n where he was supposed to be. Y/n didn’t lay eyes on him until the next morning at work where he had suddenly become an expert at avoiding her. She didn’t try to seek him out, knowing he needed space, so she kept to her desk and tried to do her work.

“What’s going on?” Polly asked, leaning against Y/n’s desk as the young woman typed up a letter.

Y/n raised a brow, not lifting her eyes from the work in front of her. “What do you mean?” she asked even though she knew.

Polly folded her arms across her chest and glanced at her nephew, who was pacing in his office. “You have a cut on your cheek, Tommy has practically locked himself in his office, and you’ve been at your desk all day. You can’t tell me something didn’t happen.”

A sigh escaped her lips as she leaned back in her chair. It was silly of her to believe people wouldn’t notice. On a normal day, Y/n would usually do her work in her husband’s office as he did his own. Tommy liked to have her near, it calmed him, bringing the restless man peace. Her desk was often abandoned except for the few times a meeting was taking place that she wasn’t a part of. To have her sit at her desk all day was virtually unheard of. As the office was practically empty, almost everyone was out for lunch, Y/n took a deep breath and looked at the ground, ashamed with herself. “I snuck up on Tommy last night. I didn’t mean to, didn’t think anything of it, and it scared him and he cut me.”

A gasp split the older woman’s lips, “He cut you?” her words were laced with disgust causing Y/n to cringe.

“It’s not his fault, Pol. He’s been jumpy and he has night terrors. I should have expected this,” Y/n admitted, resting her head in her hands. “He was horrified with what he’d done and… he felt, practically ran out the door and didn’t come home. Now, he won’t look me in eye and I’m afraid of what he’s doing to himself because of this.”

Polly sighed, taking a moment to think. She’d dealt with plenty of men in her life, drunks, gamblers, players, cheaters, but she’d never dealt with men as broken as the Great War had created. She wanted to be angry at her nephew, Thomas knew better, but she knew with the state of his mind, it was often hard for him to enemy from ally. “Talk to him,” she shrugged. “Force him to listen to you, God knows you’re the only one who gets threw to him.”

“What do I say?”

Pushing herself off the desk, Polly smiled at her. “If you love him, you’ll know exactly what to say.”

Y/n rolled her eyes. Her husband’s aunt was a wise woman but she wasn’t one to give a straight answer. But she did as suggested and stood from her desk, pushed the wrinkles out of her skirt, and tapped her fingers against Tommy’s office door. Before an answer could be given, she let herself in, the owner shocked to see her enter.

“I’m busy, Y/n,” Tommy informed her, peering at her threw his lashes before moving his eyes back to his work. Stepping closer, his wife stood in front of his desk and waited for him to glance up at her once more. He huffed in frustration and gave in, dropping his pen and sitting up to look at her. “What?”

“You didn’t come home last night, where’d you go?”

He shook his head, a sad smile present on his lips. “Does it matter? Why would you care where I’ve been when I did that to you?” He gestured to the cut on her cheek.

It was Y/n’s turn to shake her head. Coming around the desk, she moved his chair so he was facing her and cupped his face in her hands, leaning over him. “It matter’s because you, Thomas Shelby, you stubborn arse, are my husband and I love you. I worry about you every fucking day!” she exclaimed, locking her y/e/c with his blue ones.

“But I…” he trailed off, tears pooling in his eyes.

Standing between his legs, Y/n pulled him against her, letting his head rest against her stomach. “But nothing. What happened last night was unavoidable, it was bound to happen. You aren’t as tough as you’d like the world to believe and you need to stop acting like it. I’m here,” she petted his hair as his tears soaked her blouse. “I’m here for you and I’ll help with whatever you need.”

Tommy pulled away, eyes red and puffy. “What if it happens again, Y/n? I can barely live with what I did to you. What if we have children and that happens? What if they think I’m a monster?”

Heart aching, Y/n wished she could absorb all his pain, take it away before any more damage could be done to him. “Hey, don’t think like that,” she frowned, caressing his cheek. “Our children will love you just as I do. They will think you’re a brave man, who fought for them when they were just a twinkle in his eyes.”

Letting his wife hold him once more, Tommy wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” he said, voice muffled against the material of her shirt.

Y/n smiled, “I thought Thomas Shelby didn’t apologize?” she teased. Her husband pulled away a little, flashing her that smile that she fell in love with all those years ago, and pulled her into his lap, a chorus of giggles escaping her lips.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he shook his head before peppering her neck with kisses.

“That’s the idea.”

*~~*~~*

Let me know if you like to be added to any of the taglists and feedback is always apprecaiated.

Permanent: @amirahiddleston @haphazardhufflepuff @woahitslucyylu @mzcrazy2 @lovemissyhoneybee @multi-fandom-iimagines @tarafaithe @jenepleurepasbaby @fernweh-fangirl @the-anxious-youth @theshelbyclan @wtfdanness @chloeforde @futuristicslimemongerbanana @auds24 @lucillethings @nemesis729 @sirkekselord @princesscornbread @i-volunteer-for-finnick @iwillboilyourteeth @anyasthoughts @ellieemais

Peaky Blinders: @simonsbluee @queenofmankind

Thomas Shelby: @captivatedbycillianmurphy @imnotuglyimjustpredebut @creativemayhems

#peaky blinders #peaky blinder fanfic #peaky blinders imagines #peaky blinder imagine #the peaky blinders #thomas shelby #thomas shelby imagine #thomas shelby imagines #thomas shelby x reader #tommy shelby imagine #tommy shleby imagines #tommy shelby #tommy shelby x reader #tom shelby #tom shelby imagine #tom shelby imagines #tom shelby x reader

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mediocre-writerr · 4 years ago

Text

i lived [leah rilke]

leah rilke x fem reader

requested: Woooow feel something was literally the best thing ever. Could I pretty please request a third part (most angsty) where reader gets herself in the worst situation possible and her condition is so bad (her heart stops beating) once Shelby finds her, she’s hyserical and doesn’t realize she has to perform CPR so Leah being the protective girlfriend but if not evenly even more worried than Shelby does CPR and tells her not to give up. Later while they’re all taking care of reader and watching her sleep off the pain they talk about how much they mean to her (especially Shelby and Leah) this would be the best thing ever 😭😭

thank you guys so much for all the love on my leah imagine and just all my imagines in general! i’m going a bit out of order with these requests but this caused inspiration to strike. i’ll be back back on track soon, coming out with a shelby one next! but yeah i’m so happy you’re loving them! and i hope you enjoy!

Pt.1 & Pt.2

*not my gif*

Ironic isn’t it? Even though you’re taught at a young age to carry love in your heart, but in reality it could kill you.

“Where are you going?” Leah asks softly as you stood up from the sand.

You brushed off your pants before answering, “I’m just gonna go for a walk. See if I can find anything on the shore. Would you like to come?”

It was a hotter day than usual out on the island. Sweat beads were forming on the top of your hairline. All of the girls seemed to be out of energy from the burning sun that laid upon the nine of you.

“Mmm no. I would much rather stay here in the shade, you could stay with me too. You don’t have to scavenge every hour of the day.” she says, grabbing your hand to try and pull you back towards her.

You smile at her softly, kissing her hand, “I’ll be back. It won’t take long.” you say.

She pouts, but you just chuckle before placing a soft kiss to her lips.

Before you went off on the little voyage, you checked up on your blonde best friend, “How’s the leg?” you ask, examining the jacket bandage you made for her out of your own jacket.

“I’ve had better days.” she replies with a shrug.

“I’m sorry. But I know it’ll be healed up sooner than later, but until then you know you always have me to lean on.” you say, smiling at her, “I’m heading out to the shore to see if anything comes up, you’re free to join me whenever.”

“I will later. Thank you.” Shelby says with a smile matching your own.

“Anytime.”

And then you were off, walking slowly along the beach shore to see if anything washed up. It was nice though.

The peace and quiet. The soft wet sand in between your toes as the cool water occasionally lapped over them. It was a nice distraction from the burning sensation that occurred in your chest or when you breathed.

It started after you went to save Shelby. And you just thought it would go away on its own, but it’s been almost 24 hours now and it wasn’t going away. But rather it got worse.

Each breath you took felt like you just ran a mile. But you didn’t want to worry the girls. They’ve already been worried sick about you and all of the stunts you pull. This doesn’t need to be another thing they’re worried about.

You let out a fit of cough. The cough seemed to have lasted forever, but it finally stopped when you spat out a loogie. It wasn’t any loogie though, blood was on the yellow sand and you just stared at it in shock. Unsure of what to do.

You were about to start heading back when you noticed a bag at the end of the shoreline.

One last trek. We’ll bring the bag back and relax for a couple days.

As you start walking to the bag, you can feel your heart rate rising even higher with each step. And it felt like you were walking on walls as the whole world seemed to spin faster and faster.

All of your senses were heightened. The smell of the sea water invaded your senses. A ringing sensation filled your eardrums making it impossible to hear anything else.

“Leah...” you whisper before the bright blue sky went black.

Shelby decided to take your offer and go walk along the shore with you. Despite the pain in her leg, she thought it would be nice to walk around with her best friend.

You’ve been so focused on not dying that you haven’t had time to just sit and talk.

Shelby misses going bowling and drinking 7/11 slurpees in the parking lot with you every Friday night.

Or you coming to her beauty pageants even though you hated the idea of them. You wanted to come to just support her.

The two of you haven’t even thought about what you should do when you get back. There was Shelby and Toni and you and Leah. If news got out about that back home, you’d be burnt at the stake.

But the two of you don’t care anymore.

Shelby look down at the shore to try and get a peek of how far you went. Until she sees a body was lying still face down towards the end of the shoreline.

“Y/N?” Shelby mumbles quietly to herself.

She makes a full 360 trying to find any sign of her best friend. But came out empty.

“No.” she mumbles and took off running.

Despite how terrible her leg felt she had to get to you.

Shelby reaches your lifeless body and scooped you into her arms. She cradles you into her lap and cups your cheek gently.

“Y/N? Hey, hey...” Shelby whispers and your eyes flutter open for just a second.

“Shelb?” I whisper softly.

“Hey it’s me. What’s going on?” she ask frantically.

“There’s something wrong,” you mumble softly, “I’m scared.”

“No, no, no,” she murmured, “You’re just tired and it’s hot out. You’re just exhausted. Remember that plane? It’s gonna come and we’re-we’re gonna get out of here. Together.”

You brush her hair from out of her face, before smiling softly, “I think it’s more than exhaustion, blondie. I don’t know what’s wrong or how much time I have with whatever-”

“No,” Shelby says forcefully, “No, you can’t die. We’re supposed to go home together.”

“I know, but each second that passes by it’s becoming harder and harder to breathe.” I whisper in between raspy breath.

“We’re supposed to go back to Texas, graduate, and move the hell out of that place. We can get an apartment with Toni and Leah. And we’ll finally be happy. We don’t have to worry about our terrible parents or some higher standard. It’ll be us just like we always planned. Y/N, please. You can’t go.” I rant to her, telling her about the life we could have out of our normal lives.

“I’m right here,” you told her shakily, wanting to be brave for her, “Are-are you crying?”

You reached up to touch her face, and sure enough there were tears dripping down her cheeks.

“I-I haven’t seen you cry since-,” you say trying to finish the rest of your sentence, but as time goes by you could feel your heart slowing down, “Since Becs died.”

“Please,” Shelby begged, grabbing your hand tightly, “Please...we need to go home.”

“You’re...you’re the best friend I ever had,” you whisper, your breathing starting to come in short gasps, “My sister for a lifetime, I love you. And I need you to keep living the way you’re living right now. No expectations. Just be you. Tell Leah that I love he-”

You let out a harsh choking sound as you went limp in her body. Your heavy eyes now closed.

Shelby places her fingers on your pulse point. Come on Y/N. Please.

“Please God. Don’t take Y/N away from me. You already took Becs. Please don’t take her. She’s all I have left.” she sobs out.

You had no pulse. Nothing. There’s nothing!

“Dot! Leah! Someone help!” Shelby yells as loud as she possibly could.

The rest of the girls could hear her pleads from the campsite. All of them took one look at each other before taking off running towards her yelling.

When the rest of the girls reach the shore. Shelby still has you scooped up into her lap. Leah let out a small gasp running to your side immediately.

“What’s wrong?” Toni asks.

Shelby was struggling for the words to say, “She uh she just...her heart just stopped. I found her collapsed on the floor and she was here...she was just talking to me and then she was-”

“We need to start CPR!” Nora says getting everyone’s attention.

Leah scooped you out of her arms and placed you flat on the floor. Tears falling down her cheeks onto your chest as she started doing the compressions.

Toni took Shelby into her arms, trying her best to soothe her best friend.

“Come on Y/N! You promised me! You told me you weren’t gonna leave me!” she yells.

Her compressions going out of rhythm, “Leah, you’re not doing it right. It’s not gonna help her if you can’t do it right!” Rachel yells, “Move!”

Rachel was about to start taking over when Shelby got out from Toni’s arms, “No I can do it!”

“Are you sure?” Toni asks her girlfriend softly and Shelby just nods.

Rachel pushed Leah off of your body despite her screaming protests. Fatin pulls Leah into her arms. Leah’s head rested on Fatin’s chest as she ran her hands through Leah’s hair.

Shelby’s compressions were surprisingly calm and even despite the sobs coursing through her body.

“You do not get to save everyone and not let us save you. Do you hear me?” Shelby whispers to you softly.

Leah crawls out of Fatin’s lap and places herself lying next to you on the ground. She ran her fingers through your hair and placed her nose up against your cheek.

Shelby was at for a long time. And at that point everyone started to lose hope that you were gone.

“Please Y/N. I’m not ready to say goodbye. We have a whole future left outside of this fucking island. Stay for me.” Leah pleads.

Your eyes shoot open and your gasping for breath. Everyone releases a sigh of relief. All of the girls had tears on their cheeks, all of them thinking the worst.

“You’re okay!” Shelby lets out a sob as she immediately leans down to hold you. You wrap your arms around your blonde best friend holding her as tight as possible, “You can’t die.” she whispers.

“I’m right here Shelb. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” you say, your voice raspy and tired.

“Dude you really need to stop dying. It’s getting a little old.” Toni says, trying to ease the tense silence.

You laugh softly before giving her a fist bump. All of the girls stared at you with relieved smiles on their faces. Dot, Fatin, and Rachel gave you high fives and fist bumps. But much to your surprise Nora leaned down herself to hug you.

You turn your head slightly to face Leah, her nose still against your cheek not wanting to open her eyes. If she opened her eyes she would wake up and it would be just this sick dream.

You rested your forehead on hers, the tip of her nose touching yours ever so slightly.

“Hey, look at me.” you whisper and her deep blue eyes finally stare right back at you.

She smiles softly, before cries shake throughout her body. Her soft hand goes to cup your cheek, pulling your face unbelievably closer to yours. You weakly reach out your hand and wipe away the tears that were falling.

“You’re still here?” she says, but it comes more out like a question.

“I promised, didn’t I?” you reply, before kissing her softly.

When you broke apart Shelby scooped you up in her arms yet again carrying you bridal style.

“Shelb, I can walk.” you say.

But she just shakes her head, her perfect smile appearing on her face, “I don’t care. I’m gonna carry you back.”

All of the girls walk back to the camp. Leah sits down right next to where Shelby laid you gently on the floor. You rested your head on her lap as you could feel sleep slowly lull you into dreamland.

The burning sun was now setting and the orange hue of the fire lit up the deep blue night sky. You were still fast asleep on Leah’s lap, soft snores coming from your mouth.

“You know she’s almost died 6 times?” Nora says, speaking up as all of you sat there in silence drinking your Diet Cokes.

“How do you know that?” Dot asks, surprised at how she can keep track of all of it.

“I journaled it. The first time was the plane crash, then the mirror, the overexertion, saving Fatin, saving Shelby, and then right now.” Nora rambles, showing us the chart she made.

“She really put herself before the group.” Rachel whispers, shaking her head, “I remember when I had my period accident on Dot, she came to talk to me. She made me a makeshift tampon out of her shorts. She literally cut off pieces of her shorts to make me a tampon.”

Everyone laughs at the fond memory. Leah was there running her hands through your hair lightly, careful not to wake you up.

“Besides totally saving me from getting stranded in the middle of the ocean. When I was super thirsty because of the Takis, she gave me her water and let me take a few sips. She never got on me about not doing anything.” Fatin says smiling at your sleeping figure.

“And one day we played this cool game where we would pass the journal back and forth only making one line to create a drawing. It was beautiful.” Nora says softly, showing everyone the abstract drawing the two of you made together.

“We went exploring one day and I never told you guys this, but my pants ripped,” Dot begins to say and everyone bursts out into laughter.

“No way!” Toni exclaims, but Dot just nods with a smile on her face.

“Yeah and after laughing for a little bit, she took off her jacket and wrapped it around my waist so no one would notice.” Dot replies smiling a little bit, “Not only that, but back home when my dad was sick, she would stop by every other week to check on him and bring food.”

“She did that?” Shelby asks.

Dot nods softly, a sad smile on her face, “He left an impression on her after our league soccer days. So when she found out, she wanted to visit him and make him feel normal.”

“Wow.” Shelby mumbles, surprised at her best friend antics.

“When Marcus disappeared, I got a little sadder than I was supposed to about a mannequin. So she took the time to make a sandman to replace him. It was just a snowman made of sand and it was washed away by the tide shortly after. But it was the thought that counts.” Martha says and everyone’s faces were lit up by smiles.

Toni wrapped her arm around Shelby’s waist pulling her in a little closer, “One time we went scavenging together. And I told her about my basketball and how I used to play and she got so excited for some reason. In the middle of the jungle we played a small game with a rock and an empty Diet Coke can we had. I won, obviously.”

“Back home, we went to the 7/11 we always go to every Friday night. And I didn’t have my teeth in because I was eating. Then a bunch of girls from our school came by and saw the dentures lying on the hood of her car. They started making fun of them asking who’s they were. And Y/N flat out said it was hers. No hesitation because she knew how insecure I was of them.” Shelby whispers shaking her head and smiling at the fond memory.

“I remember that! Everyone was calling her grandma, they still do...” Dot says.

“Yeah. She really took one for the team there, but she never expected anything back. She just did it, to do it.” she says softly, before clearing her throat, “And when our friend Becs died, Y/N made a whole concert filled with terrible dancing and singing for me because I wasn’t doing well mentally. It was the best concert I have ever been to.” she whispers.

She cleared her throat again, trying to fight back the tears, “She’s my best friend. She’s like a sister to me and without her, I don’t know what I’d do. Out of the gifts God has given me, I think Y/N is the best one ever. She’s a literal angel on Earth.”

“Well, I met Y/N at a strange time in my life. I wasn’t doing well mentally. And she may not have saved my life physically. But mentally she did. It’s like she just came out of nowhere, an angel in this fucked up island.” Leah begins, smiling down at the girl in front of her, “There was this time where I was on the verge of having a mental breakdown and she sang me a random song that she came up with in her head.”

“Was it the one that went: dinosaurs eating people, dinosaurs in love...” Fatin starts singing.

Leah nods softly, “Dinosaurs having a party. They eat fruit and cucumber. They fell in love. They say “Thank you.” A big bang came, and they died. Dinosaurs dinosaurs fell in love. But they didn’t say goodbye. But the didn’t say good...BYE!” All of the girls sing loudly at the top of their lungs.

“I think after she sang that to you, she sang it to all of us when we were down on ourselves.” Rachel says and everyone smiles at the stupid song.

“God I’m so thankful for her. I think I would’ve actually lost my mind.” Leah whispers before placing a kiss onto your forehead.

“You’re so whipped.” Toni says teasing the other brunette.

“I know.” Leah replies, accepting the truth.

There was a comfortable silence that hung over the group. As they sat back and reflected on their time here in the island.

“Honestly, I don’t think we’d be here without our very own Supergirl.” Dot says and all of the girls nod in agreement.

“To Supergirl!” Toni says, raising her Diet Coke up in the air.

“To Supergirl!” The rest of the girls yell as they all raise their cans in the air.

#leah rilke #leah rilke imagine #leah rilke x reader #the wilds #the wilds imagines

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jimalim · 4 years ago

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Unsinkable 8 Valentines Day

They get together for Galentine's Day, Feb 13th. Once again Fatin and Dot's condo the place to be. It's just so mucb easier and less stressful than getting a group their size a proper reservation on such a busy weekend. They agreed to exchange little valentines amongst the group.

Martha makes everyone handmade valentines and a batch of cookies.

Nora writes everyone a little poem, complete with an accompanying doodle.

Toni gets eveyone a bag of Takis with a note that says "you're flamin' hot!" (She's very proud about this and the girls laughs and cheers make her feel even higher.)

Dot buys a box of valentines like the ones kids bring to school, she even springs for the ones with a tattoo or sticker. "Nostalgia am I right?"

Leah curates a mini playlist for each of the girls. 5-8 songs each. She sends them the apple music link which annoys Rachel cause she uses spotify. (Leah ends up making the playist for her on spotify after some teasing)

Fatin buys eveyone their favorite candy bar in king size, which she knows from from countless conversations they had about favorite foods on the island, along with a diet coke.

Shelby knits everyone hats. It's a simple pattern since she's new to the craft. Picking it up as a way to keep her hands busy during the dark times. She personalizes them by color scheme.

Rachel gives each girl a personalized yoga routine. Since they were rescued, Rachel got really into yoga and meditation as a way to stay active but also keep her mind at ease. She tailors each routine based on what methods of meditation work best for them. It actually took months of research, not only to familiarize herself with the specific practices, but to subtly learn each girl's coping mechanisms. "That's why you insited we go to class with you!" She just hopes it helps at least one of them relieve some stress.

Martha leaves the party first around midnight, needing to finish up a few last minute details on her gift for her boyfriend.

Rachel and Nora leave a while later, both still single, and working on themselves and their relationship with eachother. Theres still a lot of healing to be done all around.

Shelby and Toni dip out next so they can spend their first Valentine's day as a couple together. When they get home they can't wait any longer and exchange gifts.

Shelby stopped wearing her cross necklace after the island, loosing her faith has been a struggle. She's slowly working on reconciling, but she doesn't feel comfortable wearing it for the time being. Knowing this, Toni gets her a necklace with a little mountain charm. "To remember how brave you are, and to never forget your strength."

Shelby cries for a long time, feeling so incredibly loved gives her so much joy she's bursting at the seams. Toni holds her close the whole time, never letting her feel alone.

She gives Toni a scrapbook encasing all their favorite memories together. Pictures from their first official date, trips to the beach, visiting with the girls, and all the little moments in between. Milestones and inner thoughts scrawled in neat script caption the photos. Toni slowly looks through every page, fingers tracing over images of Shelby's face, hearts drawn in the margins, the words I love you. The emotions overflow and its Toni's turn to be held while crying.

Back at the condo, Fatin, who decided to get Dot a personal gift because she's her absolute best friend and roommate who she's 100% sure would not be able to survive without, much to her chagrin, gifts Dot a stealth tactical jacket she saw in one of those sky mall esque magazines. It looks like your typical black leather jacket, but secretly has over 40 hidden pockets for the ultimate storage capacity. Dot is so excited she quite litterally kisses Fatin right on the mouth and picks her up, spinning and shaking her around.

Dot feels bad she doesn't have a gift to give Fatin, not realizing friends sometimes give eachother Valentine's because platonic love deserves to be celebrated too! Fatin really is her first best friend. Despite Fatin's insistence on not needing anything in return, Dot promises to make it up to her and to also give the remaining girls their privacy. She skips off to her bedroom, jacket on pretending to be a secret agent.

Leah and Fatin who have been dating since their moment on New Years Eve giggle at their friends child like action. "I know in gonna regret that the moment she refuses to carry any of my stuff when we're out, but it sure does feel good to see her so happy."

Leah agrees, totally admiring how close they are. She gives Fatin her gift, a custom made pink and purple marbled cello bow. "It's probably not super practical since, after researching, like nice bows are hella expensive, but I thought it was a cute idea." It was just a cheap one she found online, she's not even sure if it's usable, but she knows Fatin misses playing (even if it was something forced on her by her parents, her love for cello and music is still very much there) She's shy, still doubting herself in tender moments like this. Fatin reassures her It's the sweetest gift she's ever gotten.

Fatin, in turn pulls out a beautiful, handcrafted leather bound notebook complete with monogram and a super fancy pen that glides so well, it's almost erotic. "I know journaling is hit or miss with you, but I know you're capable of so many beautiful words and emotions, I hope this inspires you to keep in touch with those feelings." (She doesn't know the first thing Leah writes in it is a 5 page essay about how much she loves Fatin.)

(Dot ends up getting Fatin a new quote shirt that reads: no rain, no flowers)

#the wilds #shoni #leatin #goodfoe #this has become a holiday tradition #unsinkable eight

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deepdonutkid · 3 years ago

Note

Hi, I'm so sorry it took me so long, I wanted to make it short as possible but always failed so...I have one that is somewhat short (this hurt me so much because when I'm describing something, it is LOONG) and second that is LOONG (that is why I warned you that I actually wrote horribly written "one-shot" or what it is actually, it would be much better, if you have time, to read both...when I tried to make it short, I maybe cut out important things...).

Like I said the girl is my OC, and her name is Sinon (given by Poll), but she is actually Maya (given by her real parents). And I gave names to her parents. But yeah, you can read it, consider if you will write it and change anything you want. Surely there are mistakes, holes and things that don't make sense.

I completely understand if you don't want to write it like "You wrote it yourself, what do you want from me, go to hell." But hey, I'm not a writer, I hate writing and I'm dead sure you can write it 100% better. To me, it looks like a grocery list. If you don't want to write it, just tell- JUST TELL ME TO F*CK OFF. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 (my apologizing must be annoying, welp, sorry once again).

So yeah.

I will send both, if you have any question, or if you don't want to write it, feel free to tell me.

➡ Short one: Ada brings to Polly a baby girl after the woman stopped her, gave her to her and quickly left. Ada discovers a small book, with the letter and a note with the name "Shelby" written on it. Polly thinks that the woman was a whore and the baby is his due to having also blue eyes. Polly decides to not saying anything to Thomas and adopts her herself. The girl grows and is known as an angel among demons. The Shelby's brothers love her, but Thomas...he lives for her. She loves him and he loves her (just...ugh 💝💗💘💓💖💕💞). They play, dance, everything. She is helping him with nightmares, bad moods, not hearing shovels, etc. Life goes by and Thomas loses his wife and brother. Polly and Ada want to cheer him up by telling him that the girl is maybe his daughter but he gets angry and says nasty things about the girl, she hears it and runs. After some time he wants to apologize but Ada stops him. She tells him she contacted the girl's family to pick her up. Thomas is devastated, not only because she leaving, but because he was just a dick to her and can't properly apologize. The Shelby's say goodbye to the girl and she leaves. After years (S5), Thomas is not himself anymore, regrets everything, etc. One day he is closed in his office sitting on the floor, mess around him and hallucinating. Then he hears knocking on the floor and is met with the blue eyes of the much older girl. He thinks she is the only hallucination and wants to shot himself, but she throws stuff into his face, launches at him, hugs him and pushes him and herself to the floor. She tells him that despite everything she loves him and that she missed him. He just hugs her tightly, begging her to forgive him and to never leave him alone ever again. They'll fall asleep and after a few hours when Tommy wakes up, his sister comes in and tells him she and her father are back and he will buy a house here. The girl never left Thomas's side and helped him heal.

➡ Disgustingly long one (it's funny how much of a useless words/sh*t Tumblr allows you to write): Ada brings the baby to Poll after a weak-looking woman approaches her and asks her if she could look after her baby because she needs to check something. When they take a look at it, their eyes meet with two beautiful big blue ones and an adorable smile of a baby girl. After washing the baby Ada discovers a note saying the name "Shelby" wrapped in the blanket. Polly immediately thinks the woman was a whore, got pregnant, then fell ill and now threw fruits of karma back at where it belongs, to Thomas Shelby. Ada asks Polly what they'll do now, but Poll doesn't say anything, Ada look at her and see Polly with a sweet smile and tears in her eyes. She wants to keep it. Why give this sweet little being to the most dangerous man in Birmingham when she can say nothing to him and rise her like her own? Ada agrees but is unsure at the same time...what if that woman wasn't a whore? What if she never had something with the Famous Thomas Shelby? She looked weak, ill, but stressed and maybe...sad? She remembers her crying and kissing this baby's head when leaving, that is not what unloving mothers do...

Polly rising this baby as best as she could now was the most beautiful, kind, clever, brave girl that ever ran through streets of Small heath. She had honey-blonde hair, similar to Ada's in style and length with long curtain bangs on her face and beautiful blue eyes, similar to Tommy's. She never liked girl clothes, always wearing boy clothes after Finn. Shelby brothers loved her so much, she never was problematic, never wanted to know things about the business, only have her little happy life and do fun things with her family when they made time for her, and oh boy they made it plenty. They played with her, danced with her, sang with her. But Thomas, a man who was drawn to this little girl like no one, was everywhere she was. She loves him and he loves her, she was something beautiful to him, peace in mind and heart, always melting how she treated him like a normal person, not thinking about all the bad things he did and just loving him for not so many good ones. He wants her to feel loved like she is one of them, not allowing her to question herself because somebody said she is not Gray, nor Shelby, that she is different and too good for Gypsies like them, like a real diamond among cheap bijouterie, an angel among demons. She helped him to sleep after every nightmare, with bad moods, stop hearing shovels against the wall.

Life goes by and Thomas experience the worst days of his life...he loses his wife and brother. The girl wants to soothe him everything will be fine. She was almost there when she heard Polly and Ada in his office, so she stayed behind the doors and listened to what were they about to say, maybe they trying to soothe him too. Little did she know what she'll about to hear. Ada and mainly Polly tells Thomas a secret about a girl Ada brought home, that Poll didn't find her in front of her doors, that in reality some whore approached Ada and pushed her her baby with a note saying the name "Shelby", and left. She didn't want to take care of a bastard child. And, our girl has the same eyes. But Tommy only scoffs and slams his hands on the table. After everything he's been through, they come up with this shit? They thought they are helping him, that his sweet girl is actually really his, that it will give him new hope for a new beginning, Thomas thought they can't be serious. His wife died, is now a single father, his brother died and now this?? He starts to shout he's not the father of good for nothing, any whore belonging, an odd, snotty and annoying child he never loved. Polly wants to beat him, strangle him but hears behind the door sobbing of her " daughter"...Polly is cursing his nephew before running after her girl, Ada following right after her. Thomas is unable to move, doesn't know what to do...He regrets every word second after but being stubborn cretin in his whole gory, he doesn't follow them but sit into his chair and let silence eat him alive.

After a few days of not facing his family and overthinking what to say and do, his sister stops him in his tracks. He's forced to sit and she starts to explain why is she here. She pulled out of her coat a burned sheet of paper, a small book and starts reading:

"Dear Thomas Shelby,

If you receive this letter...I'm begging you, please, to help my daughter. My name is Bella Rogers and I got separated from my husband, Scott Rogers when we were running from America to England. I heard about you from people in London. (Some people told her Thomas Shelby, so she went somewhere he likes to go in London, to his sister. And bc he never stayed long, she gave the baby to Ada.). I know I can't expect anything but please, contact this person (her husband's mother), tell her you saved my daughter, Maya Rogers. Tell them our names. You are my only hope now. Please help my daughter, please help me...

Thank you deeply,

Bella Rogers.

(Adress or number of her mother-in-law)

Ps: Please tell my daughter I love-"

And stopped.

Flashback: When the girl was growing, Ada confronted Poll with a small book in her hands.

Present: She handed the burned book to Thomas and he took it.

Flashback: She told Polly that the girl belongs to someone else and they deserves to know what happened to her and her mother.

Present: He carefully opened it.

Flashback: Polly knew it was selfish to keep her here, but she loved her so much she ignored every word.

Present: He started to spell the girl's name, date of birth, her parent's names, their date of birth...

Flashback: Ada begged Polly to think about this, she felt bad for a father and family that they didn't know what happened to them, but Polly had enough, she grabbed the book and a letter Ada was holding and threw it into the fireplace and with teary eyes left, Ada immediately took a piece of wood and got both things out of the fire, hoping that everything wasn't lost.

Present: Ada knocked on the table, drawing Thomas's attention from his thoughts. She swears she could see tears forming in his eyes when she told him she already contacted Rogers family and they are coming from America to get her back. He felt betrayed, he wanted to vomit. Ada tells him Polly already knows it and hesitantly agreed and that maybe it's better he said what he said, she wouldn't miss him that much and he made it easier for her not to think about him, which made him snap his eyes from the ground back to Ada. He asks her when they will arrive. An hour. Instead of getting up and do something he just sat there, sharply inhaled, and started crying. He cried, with his sister by his side, hugging him, crying as well.

When an hour was about to pass, they took all courage they had and get going to meet their girl's family and say goodbye. He wasn't ready. He never wanted to be ready for something like this.

Now they were standing there, in the uncomfortably big room, face to face with their Rogers family, two grandmothers, one grandfather and one father. He looked more beaten up by time than Thomas himself. They on the one side and Thomas, Poll and other Shelby's, Ada not with them but with the girl preparing. They greet each other, had a glass of whiskey, awkwardly debated about stuff, business, America...when then a young man asked where his daughter is, not willing to wait anymore. They called and there she was, hiding behind Ada's leg after coming into a room full of people she knew and didn't know. Her father immediately started to cry, slowly kneeled and opened his arms. She was looking at him and after a minute she starts to cry too...she maybe was the baby, but she remembers him, his face, his voice. She lets go of Ada's skirt and runs into his arms for the warmest and tightest hug she ever received. All members of Rogers family are immediately around her, introducing themself. And she's smiling, hugging everyone like she knows them for years. Thomas can't bear the sight of them so happy, especially her. He wanted so much to be in their place. He doesn't know why but asks Ada if they are really who they may be and Ada looks at him, understanding from where this is coming from. She shows him a slightly burned photo of their girl and her parents. "I remember how her mother looked like," Ada says. "And I remember her." Tommy is pointing at the baby in the middle, and Ada chuckles. "Yes, me too." "And now she about to be taken away from us and we can't do anything about it" ". Ada tries to hide her tears. They now looking at Arthur and Polly with Finn behind him hugging the girl and begging her to visit them every summer and Christmas. They kiss each other, Polly goes into a loving bear hug and kisses the girl on the cheek like million times. Uncle Charlie, Shelby's wives, even some of Peaky Blinders members themself like Curly. Now it was Ada who hugs the girl and then looks at her lovingly. "I'm gonna miss you, we all will." The girl softly smiles but looks at Thomas with an apathetic expression. Ada looks at him as well but Thomas is ghostly absent, just staring at the girl with glossy eyes, happy moments with his girl running in front of his eyes. He couldn't bear it anymore, he never ran from things, but now...He snapped into reality, quickly shaken with hands of the other side, wished them luck, TOO quickly ruffled the girl's hair and left, Ada following right after him. Rogers family just stared. Eventually, Rogers family said goodbye with the girl in their arms and left. They promised they will visit them.

That same day at night Thomas couldn't sleep, well, he never really slept after the girl left...

Years passed and Thomas was like a corpse, functioning only on 50%, if even. Ada and Poll tried to talk to him, Lizzie, his brothers tried too, but nothing helped, eventually all of them stopped. He regretted everything. One day was especially hard. Thomas was in his office, sitting on the floor with face in both hands. Around him a broken glass, two other chairs and papers. He was hearing his wife, crying charlie, shovels against the wall, gunshots, ghostly breathing. Everything was too loud. But nothing as loud as three soft knocks on the door. He lifted his head when a person who knocked came inside. His blue eyes met other blue ones. There she was, standing in front of him, much bigger and older, with a teddy bear he once bought for her. She still had it? How?. He couldn't believe it. He thought his mind is messing with him. You're not here, you're not real he said to her and every time he said it, she denyed that. He wanted to end this, grabbed his gun at aimed it at his head, but before he could do anything, a teddy bear hit his face. He opened his eyes and tried to process what just happened. You just threw your teddy bear into my face he asked. She said yes and that if she wasn't real, it wouldn't hit him. So...she was real? But how best to know your sanity is gone, then to welcome whatever your mind was made you see into your arms?

She ran to him, Thomas expected her to dissolve under his touch, but little did he know both of them would end up on the floor. She was giggling, saying he doesn't have any strength and fell easily, he on the other hand had eyes wide open, tears start to sting them. Thomas didn't waste a second and wrapped his arms around her warmly and tightly, proving to her even he can give this kind of hugs. He started to cry, cry like he never did, everything went out, rocking forward and backwards, face in her neck, begging her not to leave him alone ever again. He continued apologizing about what he said, for how bad he is, what he's done. She told him that despite everything she will always love him and that he missed him so much. He stroked her hair gently and she cuddled into him. He felt safe again. He finally was in peace.

When he woke up, he and the girl were covered in a blanket. He sits up. He smiled but got worried at the same time. How did she get in here? He needed to know. But before he could wake her up, somebody knocked. "Tommy?" Ada whispered into the room and walked in. She smiled, seeing Thomas with a little one sleeping in his lap, both covered in a blanket a cuddled to each other was....beautiful and cute. She carefully sits next to him and leans against his shoulder. He asked her how is she here, where is her father her, family. She said he didn't want to go back to America, his only plan from the whole beginning was to move to England with his wife and raise a child here, that he is buying a house. Somewhere nice and safe. In memory of his wife. A new beginning, new hope. And that she was sad and depressed. It wasn't fair from them to keep his daughter and it wasn't fair to just grab her and leave, promising to come back and never mean it. He put his cheek on the girl's hair and brushed it slowly. I think I can live with that he said. Ada chuckled. The rays of sunshine shined into his office. This is his new beginning, new hope. And he was willing to fight for it like a lion.

Eventually, the girl stayed with Shelby's family. The girl's father bought a house a few villages away so he could always pick her up and be with him. He made a little monument for his wife where his daughter put flowers Thomas or Ada bought. He knew who Shelby's were, but just like his wife telling Ada she trusted her when giving her baby to her, he trusted the rest of the family. Happy Ending!

Thank you for your time!!!!😍😍😍😍

Omg, you didn't lie, this was fucking long for a request... if this can be called a request at that length!

I really like the idea tho and it's super cute, Tommy with his daughter, etc.

Like you offered, I'm going to change a few things or to be percise... I will take the short version, because this already got me thinking and the long version was basically a story already.

I like to fill in the gaps myself and make this a full story, but it's going to take a while... because I have loads of other requests and I can't shut up... so I might write +10k again... for this idea.

Or multiple parts, I don't know yet XD

Gosh, I have to say it again... this is a long ass request... coming from meeee, the person who writes 12k ONE- SHOTS XD

Thank you for sending this in! 🌹

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jbbarnesnnoble · 4 years ago

Text

Hello lovely humans!

I’ve recently hit the 500 follower milestone and want to celebrate with another challenge! This time, dark fics are welcome!

I have a lot of prompts here and what doesn’t get used will probably be put aside for a future challenge. I like to make sure there is a wide array of prompts to be chosen from and tend to go overboard. Whoops.

The Rules:

1. Use the hashtag #JBBNN500

2. Dark fics are welcome - Just be sure to utilize trigger warnings and indicate that it is a dark fic.

3. Even if you aren’t writing a dark fic, use trigger warnings if the content warrants it. If you write something that has heavier themes, like those that delve into mental health topics, be sure to label it appropriately.

4. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! Tell me which subheading and the number of the prompt so I can mark it down! If it’s a lyric prompt, please give me the song and the number!

5. You don’t have to be following to participate!

6. Deadline: January 11, 2021

Yes, I’m giving about 3 months for this. January 11 also happens to be my birthday, so I figured that would be a good date to choose.

The subheadings are: dialogue prompts, sentence prompts, quotes from popular media, and song lyrics!

Find the prompts under the cut!

Dialogue Prompts

“Life is made up of maybes and regrets. I don’t want this to be one of them.”

“You can’t do this. It’s my choice to make, and mine alone. If you don’t agree with it, the door is there. Feel free to use it.”

“I used to be afraid of the dark, you know. Until I learned that the real monsters thrive in the light.”

“So, what you’re saying is if I gave you a nickel, you’d do it.”

“No, I don’t know how the cheese got there, and honestly, I don’t think I want to know.”

“You’re sounding more like a cult leader every time you open your mouth. Don’t think I’ll be accepting any Flavor Aid from you anytime soon.”

“How did you...you know what, I’m going to forget I saw a thing, and go read a book. Or bathe in Holy Water. Or both. Both is good.”

“If you say one more word I swear--” “One more word” “I hate you”

“You can’t come in here singing my favorite song and expect forgiveness, that’s not how this works!”

“No. You mean nothing to me. You never did. You never will.”

“But if it did, it would work and you can’t convince me otherwise.”

“You are simultaneously the smartest and least intelligent person I have ever meant. Truly, an amazing accomplishment.” @bonkywobble

“Next thing you’re going to say is that ghosts are real...please tell me that’s a joke”

“All I’m saying is, I could do that blindfolded.”

“But why was there pizza on the ceiling?”

“If you write me a four thousand word essay on why you think that’s a good idea, then sure.”

“I didn’t think you were serious. Do you know how illegal this is?!”

Sentence Prompts

Feel free to change the pronouns used to suit your needs, even if they aren’t bracketed! You can also change the tense if you need to!

The January rain fell, feeling like razors against [your/her/their] skin as [you/she/they] stared out over the horizon.

This was it, the moment where life as [you/she/they] knew it ended.

[His/her/their] gaze fell on [her/you], like a lion circling its prey.

You never thought that it would come to this, come to being the one to end it all.

You took a moment to calculate [his/her/their] next move, figuring out the perfect counter.

Hanging by your ankles from a tree was most definitely not how you planned on spending your Saturday.

Glancing around the room at the decor, one thing was obvious: it was [his/her/their] doing.

Hurt was the only thing you felt, the only thing you could cling to in this abyss.

Lies, it had all been lies and they were crumbling around you.

The screech of tires on the pavement sent a shiver down your spine.

He/She used to love this time of year, the beauty of it all.

It was like climbing Everest: ambitious, dangerous, and maybe a little insane.

Forgiveness was not something you were willing to offer so freely, not this time.

Chaos may as well have been the code name of this mission. @nekoannie-chan

Silence was your new best friend, one that never seemed to leave you alone.

That smile, that smile was something you could get used to waking up to every day.

Your face twisted in disgust as you realized what you had fallen into.

You were beginning to wish you had taken [him/her/them] up on that trip to Madrid.

Quotes from Popular Media:

With these prompts specifically, you can use the full thing, paraphrase, etc, since some of them are quite long, or just write something based off an idea it sparks.

“There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith. Ain't that a bitch.” -Epsilon, Season 13, Red vs Blue

“We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair.” - Daniel, P.S I Love You

“After centuries of men looking at my tits instead of my eyes and pinching my ass instead of shaking my hand, I now have the divine right to stare at a man's backside with vulgar, cheap appreciation if I want to!” - Denise, P.S. I Love You

“Life isn't just death. Don't ignore the living.” - Vada Sultenfuss, My Girl

“Life's full of barbaric customs. But I hope they all end with a kiss like that.” - Vada Sultenfuss, My Girl

"You're a little scary sometimes, you know that? Brilliant ... but scary." - Ron Weasley, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends." - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

"I’ll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I’m not there." - Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Sweetie, this is one of those times when I know what's right and everybody else is confused.” - Angela Montenegro, Bones, Season 3

“Oh, God. I'm in the middle of something, aren't I? Oh, look! Dead guy!” - Cam Saroyan, Bones, Season 5

“Don’t make it sound trivial when you know it isn’t. You keep talking about how we just need a little more time, but you’re not the one having to struggle.” -Nora, RWBY, Volume 7

“It's called survival. But I forgot, you two at best are functional morons.” - Crowley, Supernatural, Season 5, Episode 10

“I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.” - Elle Woods, Legally Blonde

“How were we supposed to know? It's not like we run background checks on all her boyfriends.” - Kathryn Kennish, Switched at Birth

“Don’t try to get on my good side. I no longer have a good one” - Ouiser, Steel Magnolias

“I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” - Shelby, Steel Magnolias

“You have the handwriting of a serial killer” - Clairee, Steel Magnolias

“I didn’t know if you would hire someone who might be married to someone who may or may not be a criminal” - Annelle, Steel Magnolias

Lyric Prompts

What Do You Think Of - Lauren Alaina ft. Lukas Graham

What do you think of when you think of me?

When you look back on us what do you see? Is it the good times, is it the bad times, is it somewhere in between?

I can’t even drive down 8th Avenue because the whole damn town reminds me of you

Hurts to Know - 1551

But you stayed when I made another promise to keep

And you waited and waited for the life you saw in your dreams

You walk in and begin to try to heal me again, but each night is a fight that’s getting harder to win.

Sick - 1551

Everyone I meet feels like another target

I’m feeling sick, I’m feeling twisted, I wasn’t home before this feeling existed

I never knew that wrong could feel so right

seven - Taylor Swift

Sweet tea in the summer, cross your heart won’t tell no other, and though I can’t recall your face, I still got love for you

Passed down like folk songs, the love lasts so long

I think your house is haunted, your dad is always mad and that must be why

We’ll hide in the closet, and just like a folk song, our love will be passed on

the last great american dynasty - Taylor Swift

How did a middle class divorcee do it?

The wedding was charming, if a little gauche

And they said “There goes the last great American dynasty. Who knows if she never showed up what could have been.”

epiphany - Taylor Swift

With you I serve, with you I fall down

Something med school did not cover

And some things you just can’t speak about

Chapters - Brett Young

Chapter one, I was raised on the Dodgers

There’s no perfect life, you can’t hold back time

Everybody expecting perfection

Things change in the blink of an eyelid, guess my body knew way more than I did

The Daughters - Little Big Town

Girl, know your place, be willing and able

Girl, watch your mouth and watch your weight

Pose like a trophy on a shelf, and dream for everyone but not yourself

I wash the dishes, feed the kids, and clean up all this mess, do my best, forgive myself, and look good in this dress

It Won’t Always Be Like This - Carly Pearce

I remember how I couldn’t wait to get out of my hometown, now I’m looking for every excuse to go back on the weekend

I remember hearing the door slam, twenty-two, didn't have a clue who I was, who I could trust, and who were my real friends

The heart won’t ache forever, no matter how hard it gets, it won’t always be like this

Next Girl - Carly Pearce

You overlook a lot when he looks like that

He’ll charm your mama with that smile, hide the red flags for a while

He’ll make you think it’s love, but I promise you it’s not

Bar Back - Lauren Alaina

You can have that coffee shop we went on our first date

I’ll give you back that sweatshirt, that one you know I love

I’m taking back that little hole in the wall, the red door sign saying “come on in y’all”

If I Was a Beer - Lauren Alaina

Honey you’re in luck, ‘cause I’m a fine, fine, wine. I’m a slow sweet pour, I can be a little bitter, but I ain’t a hard hitter, like a 30 from the grocery store

Waiting for Superman - Daughtry

She says “he’s still coming, just a little bit late”

She’s talking to angels, counting the stars, making a wish on a passing car

If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this

Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi

When you hurt under the surface, like troubled water running could, well time can heal but this won’t

Before you go, was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better?

Our every moment, I start to replay, but all I can think about is seeing that look on your face @arrowsandmixtapes

Hard to Forget - Sam Hunt

It's kinda funny how I can't seem to get away from you, it's almost like you don't want me to

You’ve got a cold heart and the cold hard truth

Told me to leave all your things out on the porch on the swing

Oh you’re breaking my heart, baby you’re playing hard to forget

This is It - Scotty McCreery

You can open your eyes

Can’t you see forever

On top of the world here together

If there ever was a time for a perfect kiss, this is it

Wish You’d Miss Me - Chase Wright

I was good for you, you were bad for me

I was solid ground, you were broken wings

I gave you love you gave me pain

You gave me hell, I gave you grace

I knew all along that you were gonna leave

What a Man Gotta Do - Jonas Brothers

I’m not trying to be your part time lover, sign me up for that full time @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad

This Feeling - Chainsmokers ft. Kelsea Ballerini

I lay out all my reasons you say that I need help

They tell me think with my head, not that thing in my chest

They got their hands at my neck this time

I tell you all my secrets and you tell all your friends

Hold onto your opinions and stand by what you say

What Are You Gonna Tell Her - Mickey Guyton

She thinks life is fair

But what are you gonna tell her when she’s wrong?

What are you gonna tell her when she figures out that all this time you built her up just so the world could let her down?

Do you tell her not to fight?

Can you look her in the face and promise her that things will change?

#writing challenge #marvel writing challenge #jbbnn500 #mcu #steve rogers #natasha romanoff #bucky barnes #sam wilson #wanda maximoff #marvel

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opheliasbrokenmind · 5 years ago

Text

trust me? - alfie solomons

hii! i actually wrote this one at school in march or april lol and finally posting. it’s a alfie x shelby sister one, i hope you enjoy reading. your feedback is what makes me keep writing so feel free to send me anons and don’t forget i’m always open for requests

London, the city where everyone has a chance to live their dream lives. You have always loved London but you couldn’t believe that you were there. The war ended but nothing changed. You knew that men were damaged, and some of them will never heal. They’ll never be the same, their minds were broken in a way no one was able to fix. Also, their hearts were as broken as their minds. You still didn’t go to see your brothers after the war but you knew they were damaged as well and you knew you probably wouldn’t help them. Maybe that was the reason why you didn’t go, you were afraid of what you’ll see. Even if you could help, they wouldn’t let you. You took their stubbornness after all.

You heard their business, how illegal it was. That was another reason to not go there. You didn’t come back after they returned, you finished your psychology degree and graduated from university. Working in a clinic, you didn’t leave London and settled there. You wrote so many letters to Polly and she let you do whatever you want to do, convinced your brothers that it was the right thing for you. They wanted to visit you but you refused all the time, told that you were so busy in the clinic. They didn’t insist, knowing you would come back when you want.

Ada was the only sibling you kept in contact, always wrote letters to each other. She understood you unlike the others, knew you needed to stay away. She supported you and send you money and gifts frequently, but she didn’t visit you when you didn’t ask. You were always a good listener and you loved helping other people so you loved your job. When you were just a little kid, you gave advice to your brothers, comforting them. You always made them feel good when they looked sad. Before leaving for the war, your brothers started to do illegal businesses and you didn’t want to be a part of it. You told them it was no good but they didn’t listen to you so you left the city and moved to London for college.

Now, you were a kind woman at her mid-twenties and you were beautiful than ever. You earned plenty of money from the clinic and you were happy. You were able to buy most of your request and needs. You knew the people were after your family so you didn’t use the Shelby name. Although, you loved the life you created for yourself.

***

It was an autumn evening. Your appointments of the day ended and you left from the clinic a little early. Walking back to your home, you decided to go to a bakery. The bell rang when you opened the door and saw a man, he was charming and his blue-green eyes looked directly into yours as a tiny smile played on his plump lips. He was at least ten years older than you, he had a ginger beard and he was the most charismatic man you’ve ever seen in your life. You were too busy eyeing him so he smiled a little, ‘How can I help you, love?’ With his deep voice and thick accent, you gulped down, ‘Well, I want some cookies.’ You said and nervously played with your hands.

Your thick coat was covering your curves but your chic suede dress was still available to be seen. He also admired how beautiful and strong you looked, couldn’t help but like you. ‘It’s cookies, then.’ He said and started to prepare your order. ‘Have a seat, love.’ His enchanting voice made you relax and even though you knew that it won’t take long to prepare some cookies, you sat. Seconds later someone appeared in the bakery, ‘Sir, they’re waiting for ya.’ The man spoke dreadingly and the charming man frowned, ‘Do I look like I give a fuck about that? Can’t you see that I’m here with this gorgeous lady? That fuckers can fucking wait, ay? Go tell’em!’

You didn’t feel bad with his angry words but realising he called you ‘gorgeous’ you couldn’t help but smile and blush a little. The man said something and left the two of you alone again. Feeling his eyes on you, you turned to him. ‘What’s it, sir?’ You asked. ‘Nothing, love. Would you want a cup of tea?’ With his question, your heart started to beat faster. ‘That’d be great but I’m sorry, I can’t. It’s getting pretty late and I really don’t want to walk alone at night.’ Actually, it wasn’t a big deal for you, you always walked home alone when you worked too much. You just wanted to see how far he can go.

‘Then I’ll walk you home, darling.’ You expected this but you felt surprised when he talked. But on the other hand, you noticed he wasn’t just a baker. The way the other man talked to him, he was scared yet respectful. He was much more than that and you wanted to learn everything. ‘Then I’ll only drink if you join me.’ You offered a smile and he accepted with a smirk on his face, ‘I’m definitely not a tea person but I will if you want me to be.’ He brought two cups and handed you one. Sitting the chair across you, he looked at you boldly.

‘I think there’s a soft man inside of you but you just don’t let him show up.’ You talked without thinking and immediately wished that you won’t regret it. He seemed a little shocked but answered, ‘Maybe. Should I take that as a compliment, love?’ He was pretty brave but in the end, he wasn’t an ordinary man. ‘Take it if you want.’ You said and took a long sip from your tea. ‘So why are you here, in London? I didn’t see you here before and it’s impossible not to notice you with your prettiness and yes, that was a compliment.’ Blushing just a little, you tried to ignore his question but of course, he waited for you.

‘I moved here for university and when I graduated I started to work here.’ You answered simply, without giving any details. ‘Would you mind if I ask you what’s your job?’ He asked and you replied, ‘I’m a psychologist.’ He looked surprised, ‘Why do you want to help mentally damaged people?’ With his question you smiled brightly, ‘I do believe that being mentally ill is not a thing to be ashamed of. An example, you went to war, didn’t you? Think about what have you seen there, what have you been through. The war broke all men and most of them are still suffering. If we don’t help them, what will happen? I worked with soldiers, they were just young lads and one of them couldn’t bear all the pain, the memories haunted him and he killed himself. For what? Because some sons of bitches wanted a war. The ‘big’ men pushed them into hell and we did nothing for them.’ You took a long breath and continued to talk.

‘My brothers went to war as innocent kids and they probably came back as men. Men with pain, men who are afraid of everything but showing no emotion. Is that it? You fought with machine guns but you can’t fight with your memories? Too afraid to ask for help? Because they think that if you go to therapy, you’re not normal. But I’ll always be there if someone decides to have help.’ He listened to you carefully, impressed by your voice which filled with lust and passion. ‘You’re right, love.’ You smiled a little and finished your tea, ’If my cookies are ready, it’s time for me to leave.’ He stood up and handed you a packet ‘Wait a sec, right? I’ll take my coat.’ You shook your head, ‘You don’t have to do that, the man said that there are people waiting for you.’

Coming back with his coat and hat, he spoke, ‘They can wait more, I’m not letting you go back to your home alone, after taking your time.’ You thought that you probably shouldn’t let him but you nodded. You left the bakery and you led him to your home. ‘What if I’m a serial killer, love? Why do you trust me?’ He asked and you smiled, ‘So, you think that I didn’t notice your gun? I’m sorry, sir but I’m not stupid. By the way, if you wanted to kill me you should have done it in your own bakery.’ He chuckled a little but looked excited, ‘We have a smart one ’ere, right? I still don’t know your name, darling.’ You ignored his question and stopped, ‘Here’s my home.’

Alfie stopped and looked directly in your eyes, ‘Then you aren’t gonna tell me, ay?’ A small smile played on your lips as you opened the door, ‘If you really want to know, then come here tomorrow. At four o’clock, for tea.’ You thought he won’t come back but he did. Of course, he did, you were different than all women he knew. You told him your name, he told you his. And he spoke, told you a lot about his life. You two soon became friends, you loved everything about Alfie, you understood him. After two months he finally opened up and trusted you, told you about the war. You did everything for him, then he asked you for a date. He was really nervous while asking, you smiled warmly and accepted.

He took you a cute but luxurious restaurant and treated you like a gentleman. You talked about anything and everything, you cherished each other’s company. You knew that he was a rough man but when it comes to you... He was a big softie. He acted like the person he wanted to be when he was with you. You brought happiness to his life and Alfie was glad that you were with him. Yeah, he was older than you but that wasn’t a problem for neither of you. Alfie saw you as his equal, letting you pay for the meals when you go out.

He loved the way you live your life. In weekdays you worked and studied. You woke up early even when it wasn’t necessary and visited him, bringing him his favourite coffee -not that he was a coffee person- and had a small talk with him before leaving for your job. He appreciated the things you’ve done for him, returning the favour. In the evenings, you read books and sometimes made dinner and invited him. You had a good music taste and he relaxed with your soft murmurs. Alfie and you always go out at the weekends; visiting museums, art galleries. He closed the cinema for you when you two go to the pictures.

You got tickets for theatres and operas, forcing him to come with you. He never refused though. Alfie tried his best to take you to a concert when a new orchestra came to the city. You made him feel younger and he made you feel loved. When he asked you to go for a date, he waited for you with a bouquet in his hands and he brought desserts to you from the bakery every time he visited your place. You knew his real job but you also knew that he had to do it. You heard that he was working with the Shelby family, with your brothers but you didn’t say anything. You noticed that he was a little paranoid and didn’t want to make him nervous.

***

It was a normal morning, you woke up to Alfie’s soft snorts and smiled, he looked so vulnerable to you. He was smiling a little and he was defenceless. You leaned in and planted a kiss on his right cheek, the feeling of his beard making you laugh. Alfie murmured in his sleep and turned a little, then opened his eyes. ‘Watching me, pet? Mhmm, come closer, will ya? Good girl.’ He wrapped his arms around you and you rested your head on his chest, his heartbeats warming your heart. ‘Morning, Alf.’ He yawned, ‘Yeah it is.’ You smiled and drew circles on his bare chest with your finger, letting him bring you closer. ‘Have any plans for today?’

‘No but I have a thing on my mind right now.’ You raised your head to look at him, ‘And what’s that?’ He smirked, ‘You. We should get rid of that pretty dress of yours, don’t ya think so?’ You pretended like you were thinking but it wasn’t a secret that you both enjoyed morning sex. ‘What are you going to do about it?’ You teased him. Alfie warned you with his eyes, ‘We don’t wanna ruin it, do we, darlin’?’ He said and took off your nightgown, the silky fabric leaving and exposing your body. ‘Oh, always ready for me, kitten.’ You smiled when he got up a little to lean on your now naked body. You closed your eyes at the feeling and let him take the control.

After an hour you were both tired and breathless, you turned to Alfie, ‘Well that was a good one.’ He watched you, your eyes were shining, ‘Hmm, ready for round two?’ You were going to answer when someone burst in Alfie’s bedroom and you immediately pulled the sheets to cover your body. ‘Really, mate?’ You heard his shouting but didn’t see the other man. ‘Morning Alfie! Whose that whore in your bed?’ You froze with the sound of this familiar voice, it belonged to your brother. Alfie cracked a smile, ‘I wouldn’t call her a whore mate, considering she is your sister.’ You gripped the sheets and turned your eyes to Thomas, watching his face drop.

‘y/n! The fuck you’re doin’ ‘ere??? Do you know who is he?’ Your brother shouted at you but you were looking at Alfie now, ‘Y-you knew who I am?’ Alfie smiled warmly, ‘’course I do, love. Since the day you walked in my fucking bakery. I recognize these eyes anywhere.’ You frowned, ‘But...’ Thomas talked for you, ‘You tricked her, didn’t ya? Just for your benefits.’ Alfie was furious, ‘Give us a minute, get the fuck out of here mate.’ Thomas insisted, ‘I’m not going anywhere without my sister.’ You looked at him, ‘Please, Tommy. Just a minute.’ He didn’t say anything and left the two of you alone.

‘Is it true, Alfie? All of these was a lie? Did you make me think that you loved me just to blackmail my brothers?’ Warm tears filled your eyes and you couldn’t stop them. He watched you carefully and held your hand with his big one, ‘Do you trust me, y/n?’ You shook your head, ‘I don’t know what to believe now. But tell me the truth or I’ll never come back’ Alfie sighed, ‘When you came to the bakery, I knew who you were but I decided to stay quiet and wait for what’ll happen. You didn’t have a clue who I was so I went along with that. At first, I thought you were spying on me but I learnt you weren’t seeing them for a long time. I gave ya some details about my business, just to see if you were working for them.’

‘You never spoke to them and you were always so kind to me. Then I think I just fell for ya... Didn’t want your family to learn but that’s it, right?’ You didn’t say anything and started to dress, he stood there and watched you. That was probably was the last time he saw you, thought Alfie. Once you were done, you walked to him and looked at his deep eyes. ‘I understand if you don’t come back.’ You frowned, ‘You trusted me Alfie, and I won’t give up easily. I believe you and I’ll fight for us.’ You leaned in and kissed him softly, your arms wrapping around his neck. He pulled you in a big hug and kissed you passionately, ‘I’ll wait for ya, love.’

‘That’s enough, y/n. Come ‘ere, now.’ You sighed and left the home with your brother, his car was waiting outside. That was going to be a long ride.

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shelby77gt · 5 years ago

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Find Me (You Saved Me Series.) Dreadwing story.

If you read the first two books. Then you'll be excited to know I started a third.

Exert from chapter one- Time doesn't heal wounds

Tree branches whip past her face, leaving small cuts along her ivory skin, leaves getting caught in her chocolate brown hair. Her breathing is heavy, her heart is beating fast as she runs through the forest. The moon being her only source of light at this time in the middle of the night. Tears stain her redden cheeks. She continues to push forward, not looking back.

It's when she gets to a clearing, she falls to her knees, looks of to the sky, and she screams his name. She screams the name of her lover. The metal man she fell for in her dreams. Or so she's been told.

It had only been a few months ago when she woke up from the best thing she's ever had. From a world with giant metal beings that came to earth because their planet had been destroyed by the evil warlord they called Megatron. Their fearless leader so bravely faced the devil and his team of Autobots were able to bring their planet back to life. The last thing she remembers is watching her new family walk threw a large swirling green-blue vortex back to their home. The last one to go being someone very dear to her.

There is rustling of bushes and branches behind her and she quickly jumps up into a defense position. She looks around, her hands up in fists. The doctors have yet to allow her to use weapons. A arm reaches, pushing some branches out of the way, then the rest of a woman's body follows. The older women brushes the leaves out of her hair before acknowledging the one in the clearing.

"There you are." Her tone worrisome.

The brown haired girl does nothing except letting her fist fall to her sides. Her blue eyes look the women up and down then turn to the ground. Finding the green grass to be more interesting than the conversation that will be starting.

"You can't just keep running away when something happens that you don't like. Your father lives with us. You just going to have to deal with it. He is a good man despite this dream of yours you had while you were in your coma." The woman huffed a little at the end of her spiel.

"He is a monster and I will not be seen in the same room with him. Let alone the same house." She finally speaks.

"You have no proof of that."

"How about the times he leaves and doesn't give you and explanation. We still haven't found the killers of my brothers and sisters and I know dad was behind it."

"Stop it! I will not listen to such foolishness. He did not kill his own children. He is not the monster you make him out to be. He loves you very much and wishes you would stop looking at him like a killer." The older women moved closer the her younger counterpart. This only made her back away.

"Shelby please, listen to reason. How could that have all happened if when you woke up, none of that had happened. Your brother and I are alive. There isn't any giant alien robots walking around. The house is still intact. You never shattered your legs. You were in a hospital bed for five years. I came and visited you everyday. I would know if some robot named Dreadbing came and saw you."

"Dreadwing mom, Dreadwing. Why can't you get it right? The house may still be intact and not burned to a crisp, but it could have been rebuilt. Also my truck is gone, same with the trailer. Neither of you guys have been able to answer that question." She begins to pace, waving her hands dramatically in the air.

"We can get you a new truck and trailer. I'm sure your father will have no problem with that." Her mother moves closer to her daughter, reaching out to caress her cheek, but the girl moves out of reach.

"That won't fix anything. That just gives me means to leave and we both know that's why you guys haven't gotten me a new truck yet. It's because you don't want me to leave." Her eyes shot daggers at the women she called her mother. It hurt the old women's heart to see her last surviving and youngest daughter treating her this way.

"Let's get home. It's to dark out here."

Those were her last words and she turned and left. Following the same path she took to get there. Shelby waited a few moments before following, but not without looking up at the night sky one more time. Hoping to catch a glimpse of the jet she knew had to be real. She only hoped he was looking for her too.

#dreadwing #transfomers #autobots #decepticons #find me #you saved me #Shelby's back

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33max · 7 years ago

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Second Chance

Warnings: Heavy Angst

Pairing: Tommy x Reader

Word Count: 2,011

Nothing hurts my heart more than two people who love each other dearly, but cannot get their relationship to work no matter how hard they attempt to fix it. Loosely based off of the following quote “It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good.”

Your breakup with Thomas was long, drawn out and painful. The two of you had slowly become distant - gradually growing disinterested, unaffectionate and cold towards the other party. At first, you thought you could fix things – you had been together since you were young and you truly believed you could get through anything if you did it together. Desperate to feel what you once had for the other, you and Tommy tried everything to mend your crumbling relationship. He took you on holiday, you went on a date every Friday night, Tommy spent more time at home and you tried to be more open minded to his business ventures. You were holding onto each other for dear life but after months of trying you had to face the truth, it just was not the same – you did not feel the same way about each other anymore.

It was Tommy who gave up first, breaking down one evening and telling you that he would love you forever but he didn’t know how to be with you anymore. That night Tommy did not let go of you, he wrapped his arms around you and nuzzled into your neck as if he was trying to rewind time to when the two of you were happy. You could do nothing more than stand there while he attempted to feel close to you for one last time, tears mixing with mascara and streaming down your cheeks. The break up was inevitable and you knew that, but your heart was shattered because Tommy had given up on you, on your relationship, on the life that you had built together.

The two of you decided that it would be too hard to try to be friends; at least for the time being, you both needed a clean break. If you were forced to spend time with him, you knew you would go running straight back when you started to miss him. Tommy offered to give you the house, the land, everything and move back in with his family until he sorted out a new place. However, you knew that if you were going to truly separate from Tommy then you needed to put distance between you. Gracefully, Tommy signed one of his properties in London over to you and within a week you were saying your final goodbyes.

He had given you a lift to the train station, walking you to the platform and carrying your bags for you. Every step you took, your heart broke a little bit further. A few minutes before your train was scheduled to depart, you knew that you had to be brave and say goodbye – this was what you both needed to be happy eventually.

“Tommy, don’t be reckless. Keep your head straight. Okay?” You croaked, eyes swimming with unshed tears. Your biggest concern was that Tommy would throw himself into work as a distraction from his heartache, not worrying about the consequences of some of his actions.

“I will. I promise.” He told you, his voice wavering as he tried to remain strong. If he gave in to his emotions, so would you and it would be too hard to say goodbye. He wrapped his arms around you, resting his forehead against yours. “I need you to be happy, baby.”

“Maybe one day I will be. Bye for now, Tom.” You whispered, placing a final kiss against his lips before pulling away from his grasp. You heard him groan as you walked away and you knew that if you turned around you would see him shattering in front of your eyes. You couldn’t look back.

The first month passed quickly, and for the most part you were completely numb. You felt absolutely nothing; on the rare occasion that your emotions were felt you drowned them in alcohol and remained in bed. The second month was much harder and lasted an eternity. You missed him terribly; he had been your best friend for most of your adult life and now there was a colossal void leaving you heart wrenchingly lonely. Most evenings you lay motionless in your cold bed, tears falling silently into the pillow because you were too exhausted to do anything but let them fall down your now bony cheeks.

It was the start of the third month that you realised you would take him back in a heartbeat. You would endure all of the problems that caused your relationship to fail if it meant that you could have him. You wanted to call him, or visit, or take a leap of faith by packing your bags and moving back to Birmingham.

Before you could do anything, a telegram arrived for you from Birmingham. Your heart thundered in your chest, your stomach somersaulting thinking it would be from Thomas – but it wasn’t and suddenly your world was spinning out of control.

[Y/N],

I hope you are well down in London, I really do. I’m terribly sorry that this telegram is the first that any of us have sent, but please understand that Tommy needed it to be that way.

I know that only his stubborn stupidity stopped him from running back to you, he realised his mistake a couple of weeks after you left. He truly thinks you are happier without him, but I’m not so sure.

That being said, the reason for me writing is not a pleasant one. Thomas is in the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham. He has been there for an entire month, all he does is smoke opium and drown himself in morphine. I know it’s not just his physical injuries that are causing him pain and this is why I request that you come to Birmingham as soon as you can.

I will see you soon,

Polly Gray

Slowly, the telegram fluttered towards the wooden floor. A million questions swirled around in your head, making you want to break down and cry. However, there was no time for emotions to take over - summoning an ounce of composure you slipped on your shoes, grabbed your handbag and raced towards the train station.

As soon as you arrived at the Queen Elizabeth hospital it was evident that Polly Gray was not her usual self. Her hair was unkempt, she had large bags underneath her stormy eyes and she was visibly shaken.

“Polly!” You called out to her as you got closer.

“[Y/n].” She reached out to you, pulling you into her arms. It had been so long since you had seen any of the Shelby’s and her embrace felt like coming home. A sense of calm washed over you after being reunited with the woman that you once considered a mother figure. It was short-lived when you remembered why you had rushed to Birmingham. You untangled yourself from her arms so that you could look at her while you asked about him. “Where is he? What is wrong with him? Is he okay?”

“Tommy has not told us, but from what we have pieced together Tommy attempted to kill a man that was one step ahead of him. He walked straight into a trap.” She sighed, bringing one hand up to rub at the creases on her own forehead, as though she was trying to erase them. “He’s got a fractured skull, six broken ribs which punctured a lung and they put a bullet in his left shoulder.”

“What?” You cried, “How is he even alive?”

“We think he might have had unfinished business.” She said, holding your eye contact and attempting to read whether the feeling was mutual.

“Can I see him?” You begged, desperate to see your childhood sweetheart.

“Follow me.” She sighed before leading you down the corridor to the last room on the right, your arms linked in solidarity. She paused outside the door, gesturing for you to go inside without her. “I’ll give you some time with him.”

You pushed the door open slowly, anxious for the state that you would find Tommy in. Heart beating racing and taking a deep breath, you took in the sight in front of you – he was asleep and laying on top of the covers. You could see every single one of his injuries like this. A part of his head was shaved where there was a gruesome looking scar marring his scalp, his chest was mottled with deep bruises and he had a long clean stitched cut running along his left hand side from where the doctors must have cut him open to fix his collapsing lung. Finally there was a deep, but healing, bullet wound on his left shoulder. The man you loved was well and truly broken this time.

Sitting in the chair next to the bed, you took his hand into yours – pressing a quick kiss to the bruised back of his hand. The emotions soaring inside you were hard to understand, they were contradicting and confusing. There was grief at his current state but also relief at seeing him after so long.

“Hey, T.” You muttered, trying not to cry. This was definitely not how you wanted to reunite with him, speaking to his unconscious and damaged form.

“Fuck, not again.” You heard him whine; surprising you, but his eyes remained closed.

“Tom?” You asked, squeezing his hand. “You awake?”

“No no no no no no no NO,” He began to shout, tearing his hand away from yours before wincing in pain at the sudden movement.

“Baby? It’s me. It’s [y/n].” You whispered, trying to comfort him but terrified that he did not want to see you at all. You reached for his hand again, desperate to hold him and take away whatever pain you could.

“I can’t take this again, not again.” His face contorted.

“Can’t take what, Tom?” You begged, trying to understand what he was talking about.

“Every single time, when the drugs wear off you disappear.” He whimpered, still not opening his eyes. “I’m not going to look.”

“Tommy, I’m here.” You insisted, using your free hand to stroke through the hair that remained on his head, avoiding the nasty looking wound.

As soon as you stroked your hand through his hair his crystal blue eyes flickered open and he stared back at you in shock.

“It’s me,” You smiled at him, tears beginning to fall. “What have you gotten yourself into, Tommy?”

“It’s you,” He whispered, “It’s really you.”

“Yeah, I came running as soon as I found out.” You told him.

“I love you.” He whispered, turning his head slightly to nuzzle the hand that was still stroking through his hair. “I still love you, so much.”

“I love you too, T.” You told him, “I was just about to come running back to you, before you got yourself into this mess.”

“You were?” He asked, eyes drooping slightly and clearly still heavily medicated.

“Yes, I need you in my life, Tommy.” You were beginning to cry properly now, you had been holding in your emotions for too long. “We will find a way to make it work.”

“I would take all of that bad stuff back in a heartbeat if it meant that I could have you next to me every day for the rest of my life.” He said, almost incoherently before slipping back into unconsciousness – as though your conversation had taken all of his energy.

You leant your forehead onto the edge of the mattress, breathing in and out slowly in an attempt to control your raging emotions. It would be a long road to recovery both for Tommy and for your relationship, but you had never been more committed to making the journey.

#tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby #peaky blinders #peaky blinders imagine #writing #tommy x reader #tommy shelby x reader #this better show up in the tags this time dammit

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lifewithoutmeds · 3 years ago

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January 1, 2022

I remember last year I was talking to Jadai about the new year (in general), and how it often makes me feel some pang of sadness. I feel some sense of regret, that I didn’t quite live up to expectations, that things weren’t quite as good as they could have been, that there was loss and grief that deserves time to be mourned, and yet also quickly needs to be healed of to move on and not waste any more time. Goals unmet, hopes dashed, etc., and she seemed oddly discouraged and confused at this quasi-pessimism and sadness.

And here I find myself, and it’s another fucking new year. Jadai is away from me. She has spent the last few days at Shelby’s house. She is thinking things over. she is thinking “us” over. She is thinking whether we might be over.

I have never cried, have never grieved so much as I have as this past year has ended. I don’t even know how and where to begin to what she means to me, how much she has changed me and my life, how in love with her I am. I read my last entry and saw that I was catching myself getting complacent, getting lazy, and now it seems so clear why she is choosing to be away from me, why she believes our relationship needs reassessing, whether I’m in love with her enough, whether I’m strong and brave enough to weather the storms of life’s circumstances and to stand next to her all along the way.

I can’t believe she’s not here. I can’t believe we didn’t ring in the new year together, kissing, and holding hands. I can’t believe how empty the streets were, how quiet it all was, with maybe one random jogger or dog-walker, but everyone was inside, with loved ones; no one was out on the streets in a solitary fugue.

I walked past Christmas/holiday decorations and they all felt so stupid. Christmas trees were starting to get dumped on the sides of the road; Dads were bringing down lawn decorations; All of the holiday cheer was slowly being stripped from the streets, to be brought out again next year for some stupid fucking lack of reason.

I missed her terribly then, walking down those streets. We had walked down those streets a hundred times, a thousand times. We had anecdotes for every house. “Has that tree always been there?” we’d ask. And after a moment, we’d conclude that it must have, because trees don’t spring up overnight. We’d hold hands, we’d change our step as doggy zigzagged around us, as other dogs approached. She would fist-bump lion statues as we walked by, and I would smile every time, not thinking there’d ever be a time when I’d be afraid to walk down that street and see those lions with their raised paws, knowing she wasn’t with me to bump them, and that she might never be.

I canceled her tickets today, her flights to Cancun, which we had been so excited for. I needed to update my passenger information, and I needed to provide an emergency contact name and number, and I found myself shaking when I realized I couldn’t put her in there, that she was no longer “my person,” and that I’d have to put my mom down again, the same as I had for every year before meeting “my person.”

Every day there is a new horror, a new layer of tragedy. Everything reminds me of her. Sometimes I can anticipate it, and sometimes it just catches me like a sudden gust of wind, taking my breath away, and I am frozen.

Every year I seem to get lazier. I write less, I read less, I turn more and more into a potato. I don’t know when the regression will stop. I had felt alive, incredibly alive, when I first met her, I felt the world opened up, every TV show was about us, every song was about us, every poem shouted from the tops of mountains and we proclaimed our love as an act of resistance against all of the ails of the world and we personified hope!

I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I got stressed out. Maybe it was too many birthdays and too many weekends that were just too jam-packed, and I felt some part of me started to check out. I did start to crave quiet, and time alone, and my mind was constantly at half-mast, just awake, but desiring sleep, desiring escape, half-listening, and looking forward to wiling the hours away staring vacantly at my phone.

I didn’t mean to check out of my relationship; I 100% didn’t. But I might have, unintentionally.

I might have thought it was all too much, it was all just ... too much time, too much energy, and I craved a weekend of quiet, of chores, of tidying, of minimizing.

And now. it’s all too quiet. it’s all too empty. The world holds nothing for me. I can only resonate with sad songs. I don’t know why people continuously put one foot in front of the other. I don’t know why I eat and wash the dishes, methodically. I don’t know what drives me forward, besides routine and inertia.

I also know that I lived like this for most of my life. I lumbered ahead. I fell, and sometimes I stayed down longer than I should have; But I would eventually get up and eventually stumble forth, without reason, without logic, just a dumb animal knowing it had to swim or it would drown, and not wanting to drown.

I suppose I could live like this again. To be fair, I once articulated and I 100% believe, that my and Jadai’s love is a once in a lifetime love. I got to experience loving and being loved and being in love in a way that I can’t ask for ever again. I got to experience one of life’s greatest joys, what all the songs are about, what all the movies are about, what all the poets lamented for: I got it. I experienced it. I lived it. and I may have lost it. And I am ultimately thankful to have been a part of this, to have just felt and had for that fleeting time, what “this” is all about. I should be grateful to have had anything at all. And I am, truly. I’m just feeling rather .... downtrodden now that it has left. My muse, my love, the reason for my being, ..... and yet I must continue to be.

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thegeronimofiredragon-blog · 8 years ago

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The Story of My Tattoo and Why It Means so Much to Me.

Today someone told me that I needed to write down the story of the tattoo I have on my arm because it was the most inspiring thing she’d ever heard. I decided to write it down and post it to Tumblr. But to really understand this story, I will need to tell you some of my story first. When I sat down and started writing my story today I realized how very difficult it is to tell because of how deep some of the scars I carry go.

My life hasn’t been easy. In fact it has been completely horrible at times. I struggle everyday to fit in a world that I’ll never feel like I belong too. I have ADHD and Hyper Sensitivity. People are cruel to me everyday and they don't even realize or recognize it. I’ve learned this fact over and over again. Even though I know it, I’ve never give up hope that if I’m persistent enough someone will give me a chance to belong even if its only for a little while. When I was in Kindergarten no other kids would play with me because they couldn't understand me. In second grade my teacher moved my desk into the closet and isolated me away from everyone else. I wasn’t allowed to participate in any school activities. I literally had to stay in the closet by myself. I was afraid to tell my mother because I thought I had done something wrong. I’ve never seen her so angry as the day she found out I had spent almost an entire school year in a closet. In the third grade they made me wear noise cancelling ear phones to block out all ambient sound. This got me ridiculed by everyone else. During this year I also got told that none of the girl scout troops in my area would accept me because I was too difficult to handle. My moms created a solution by creating a new troop. I was the only member. Then she created another part to the troop for my little sister and 20 girls her age. So I was 3 years older and and always the next level up. The rest of elementary school was more of the same constant rejection and isolation. I had no friends because no one wanted to be around me. It was devastating to my self esteem and there was nothing that my mother could do to protect me from the cruelty of other kids even though she tried so hard to do just that. Middle school was even worse. There were all these rules about hair, makeup and clothes. I didn't get any of it. I still don’t. I played sports but even on those teams I was an outcast. The only reason I made the teams was because I was good at sports. High school started the constant torture of being called a dike. Everyone hated me and I don’t even know why or what I did that was so wrong. My teachers told me I was to stupid and would never graduate or go to college. My ninth grade year things finally turned around for me a little because my mom finally got the doctors to listen and refer me to a neurologist. He finally diagnosed some issues in my head and I spent the next 4 years taking language therapy and learning to read. I went from a 1st grade reading level in the 9th to a college level Honors class in the 12th. When someone taught my correctly, I learned exceptionally fast. I went on to college and graduated but I never have been able to keep very many friends. Even my best friend who's been my friend for 20 years says and I quote “You have to know how to handle Shelby. She isn’t like normal people”. I don't think he really knew how much that hurt to hear and I’ve never really told him because it doesn’t change how other people see me. At work my opinion is ignored even though I’m supposed to be the expert. I’m not even included in team meetings.

and then there’s dating. There has been a string of women in my life who I’ve given everything too. They used me, criticized me for everything I do wrong, and tolerated me (their words every time) but not once loved me. The last one told me on her way out the door that no-one would ever love me because I was unlovable. That I would spend my life alone because no-one was ever going to tolerate me or want me for the person I am. This put the final nail in a coffin I hadn't even realized I had created for myself.

By the beginning of last March my self esteem was none existent. My life was in shambles. I hated everything about myself because everyday I woke up and tried to mold myself into what everyone else wanted me to be. I had allowed myself to gain weight because I didn't think it mattered and honestly I wanted to die. The only reason I hadn't taken my own life was because my mother has lymphoma and I couldn't leave her while she needed me. She the only person who has ever accepted me the way I am and I wasn’t going to take my life and hurt her that way. But the thought was there and I wouldn't have stopped death if it had come for me. This made me realize that I was broken and very damaged. I needed to heal but to do that I needed time alone away from everyone. I needed time away from the constant barrage of what I cant do right. I did the only thing I could do. I took a 6 week leave of absence from my job and made a list of all the things I needed to fix about myself. I started eating better and working out everyday. I tried this once before in the past and at the time the word Geronimo was how I kept myself focused but it didn't last because I couldn't isolate myself. This time I did isolate myself. During my leave I cut my hair short again accept for the mohawk down the middle and I died it blue. I became the authentic me that I had bottled up years earlier in an attempt to fit in. I don't fit in. I will never fit in. I know that most people are going to immediately reject me. I will be judged and ostracized. I’ve stopped trying to live my life by everyone else rules. I live it by mine. I know who I am. I’m the person who defends other people when they can’t defend themselves. Who is loyal and honest to a fault. I’m giving, kind, caring and empathic. Imaginative, funny, intelligent, witty, and brave. I can find a solution for any problem. I am a natural problem solver. I can see solutions where most people fail or give up. And once upon a time I was a physically fit weight lifter and martial artist.

Geronimo was an Apache his name became synonymous with bravery and a leap of faith in the 40s when the first paratroopers began shouting his name as they leapt out of the plane. To me it literally means that I choose to be brave, live my life as my authentic self, and have faith that regardless of the adversity I face or the judgements made against me. I will remain true to the person I know myself to be and always choose the righteous path regardless of how difficult that might be.

Last year during the time I took to learn to be myself again. I started watching Wynonna Earp. I was so inspired by the things that Kat Barrell had said in her interviews that I sent her a DM with a really weird request. My handwriting is terrible and I’ve never found a font I like but I’ve wanted a tattoo on my wrist that says Geronimo. I asked Kat to write it for me. When she replied I was awestruck she had written it 25 times to give me a few to choose from. It was so beyond anything I had expected. I was so humbled and grateful that I just couldn't bring myself to choose so I chose 1 and had the other 24 tattooed in a spiral up my arm starting at my wrist and ending at my elbow. It became more then just a reminder. It became a gauntlet and a shield to protect myself from the world that try to change me daily. This is the story of my tattoo and why it is so important to me.

#adhd #adult adhd #Actually ADHD #adhd adult

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