thegeronimofiredragon-blog

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Maybe one day I’ll be over this scene. Today is not that day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.

Also, consent is sexy.

(Slowed down and lightened for your viewing pleasure)

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TADHDFW:

Me: *has large/important homework assignments to do* I’d better do the thing.

ADHD: lemme help! *Turns on brain fog machine*

Me: why tho…

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(AUTO POST)

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Sleeping with ADHD

Brain: it's too quiet you need noise

Me: *music*

Brain: wrong

Me: *audio book*

Brain: incorrect

Me: *podcast*

Brain: nooooooooo

Me: *table fan*

Brain: hmmm...can we try music again?

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me: (overshares)

person i overshared to: omg lol

me: that is it i am Never Oversharing Again i am officially Done. from now on i am going to be super quiet and let no one know anything about me

me, inevitably, 2 minutes later: anyway did i ever tell you about this one traumatic experience? no? well let me begin

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Let's Talk About the Id, Ego and Superego!

What is the ID?

1.     The id is the most basic part of the personality, and wants instant gratification for our wants and needs. If these needs or wants are not met, a person becomes tense or anxious.

2.     The part of the mind in which innate instinctive impulses and primary processes are manifest.

3.     The part of the psyche associated with instinctual, repressed, or antisocial desires, usually sexual or aggressive. In its efforts to satisfy these desires, the id comes into conflict with the social and practical constraints enforced by the ego and superego.

4.     One of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that is completely unconscious and is the source of psychic energy derived from instinctual needs and drive.

Basically it's the unconscious mind. The reptilian brain where all of our impulses, emotions, desires and passions come from. 

What it the SuperEgo?

1.     The superego is based on morals and judgments about right and wrong. Even though the superego and the ego may reach the same decision about something, the superego’s reason for that decision is more based on moral values, while the ego’s decision is based more on what others will think or what the consequences of an action could be.

2.     The part of a person's mind that acts as a self-critical conscience, reflecting social standards learned from parents and teachers.

3.     The part of the personality representing the conscience, formed in early life by internalization of the standards of parents and other models of behavior.

4.     One of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that is only partly conscious, represents internalization of parental conscience and the rules of society, and functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and a sense of guilt.

Basically the Superego is the set or morals and rules that we operate on.

What is the ego?

1.     The ego is the part of you that filters your impulses and thoughts to keep them inside your own mind. It's the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. It is a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

2.     deals with reality, trying to meet the desires of the id in a way that is socially acceptable in the world. This may mean delaying gratification, and helping to get rid of the tension the id feels if a desire is not met right away. The ego recognizes that other people have needs and wants too, and that being selfish is not always good for us in the long run.

3.     The part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment. 

4.     One of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality.

Basically it’s the set of filters that controls input and output from the mind to the world based on rewards and consequences.

I have a Superego. Which defines my own set of moral right and wrongs. I would define my superego as follows:

1.     Love

2.     Loyalty

3.     Persistence

4.     Courage

5.     Honesty

6.     Protect those I love no matter the cost to myself

7.     Do No Harm 

8.     Kindness

9.     Forgive

I have an ID which is the basic set of needs that all humans have.

But I'm missing the Ego. In order to have an ego I must be consciously aware of consequences and rewards. People with ADHD aren’t motivated by rewards or consequences. They simply aren’t always aware of them. Most people with ADHD have very little or no ego which is the socially defined set of right and wrongs. This makes all social interactions interesting. I can be very impulsive and I have no filters between the ID, Superego and the outside world. This is why I’m socially awkward. I spend most of my time around other people feeling like I'm on shaky ground waiting to step on a landmine because I have no idea what is or isn't acceptable behavior.

Because I have a limited sense of ego there are certain things that simply don't affect me. For instance I feel no shame because I'm not affected by society’s rules. I don't feel bad when I don't abide by them because I don’t know what they are. Inhibitions don't exist for me. I can try new things without much thought and I repeatedly do the things I like whether acceptable or not. I'm open and honest about who I am because I have no fear of the consequences about sharing anything about myself. I also don't filter the outside world. I see past the top layer of people and accept everything about them. I'm very non-judgmental and tend to ignore the negative aspects for the positive ones around me. I'm very empathetic towards others because I don't have an ego that puts my needs before theirs. When it comes to the good of other people I can be very self-sacrificing. I'm loyal far beyond what society says is normal. I don't give up on people when I see the good they are capable of being. In a lot of ways I see the world through the eyes of a constant child because that is the state that my ego will always be in. 

However this isn't always good. There are certainly negative consequences from having no ego. I get in trouble for saying and doing things other people find weird or extreme. I lose friends because they can't handle the constant change or my inability to not embarrass them. I might not judge people but other people certainly judge me. My lack of inhibitions and willingness to adapt can be seen as being promiscuous, a freak, or simply a social pariah. I'm not very good at protecting myself. I get used a lot because I don't know when someone has gone beyond being my friend to using me because they know I'm loyal and self-sacrificing. 

Rejection is a constant theme in my life. It's something I've come to expect. I don't fit into society because I can't follow the rules. I'll simply never understand them. This used to make me feel bad because I wanted to fit in and understand. The way that I eventually coped with this was first to simply isolate myself and stay away from people. Since the rules don't makes since to me I would just stay where they did make since. I guess that's how I ended up in Computer Science. But eventually I didn't want to be isolated anymore. I like people and I want to interact with them so I tried to learn the rules. I became friends with someone who I thought could teach me to understand or who I could at least mimic to fit in. Turns out she was using and manipulating me for her own benefit. That's when I finally just said fuck it. Now I don't try to understand anymore. I also don't try to contain me. I don't understand society’s rules and trying to understand only causes me pains and frustration. This is where all the damage to self-esteem comes from. Once you let it go and stop trying to understand society and simply accept and let yourself be who you are in your truest form it's incredibly liberating.

There are consequence to becoming my true self. I sometimes swallow my whole foot and make people uncomfortable. People as a rule aren't free from ego so they don't understand it and they do judge me for it. I have gotten a variety of reactions which include jealousy, hatred, anger, resentment, and people who simply want to be mean or make fun of me. They sometimes degrade and publicly humiliate me because this gives them a false sense of control over me. The truth is I can’t be controlled not even by myself.

When someone reacts to me in this way I have to remember that it's because they aren't living their truth. They don't know who they are or they don't accept who they are and my truth and the power that comes from living it, scares them. These are the people I remind myself to be the most compassionate with because they need more love and understanding.

Every now and then I meet someone who is inspired by how I've chosen to live my life. These people aren't as common and I’m grateful every time it happens. 

It's common for people to approach me with skepticism because they mistakenly believe that there is far more to me then I am actually displaying when the truth is I hide very little and my intentions are literally on the surface for everyone to see.

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Total Eclipse of the Chart

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Let's Talk About Filters or The Lack There Of!

Some days more than others I become extremely frustrated by the world but especially by the people who I consider my friends or family. Sometimes I fuck up because I get to comfortable with people and I have no filters. I’ve never hidden anything about myself from anyone. I’m an open book. This makes me incredibly honest and far to blunt at times. I also like to make people laugh and get really excited over everything. Unfortunately not everyone has my sarcastic smart-ass sometimes far to vulgar scene of humor and I offend someone unintentionally. When this happens I accept how the other person feels and agree not to approach the subject again. For most people in the world, this solution is acceptable. Unfortunately that is not the case for everyone. Sometimes even after I’ve accepted their criticism and agreed not to approach the subject again. They don’t let it go. They continue to berate me or criticize me over the subject even though I’ve already done the only thing I can do to fix the situation.

These situations hurt me the worst. They take the largest toll on my self esteem. I can’t take back what I’ve said and I’ve already agreed not to do it again. There is nothing I can do to stop the onslaught of judgement that I am now faced with. I find it interesting that I’m the one with a lack of filter issues and a mental illness but everyone else can say whatever they want and continue to criticize me even after I’ve already accepted that criticism. Its OK for them to do this because they feel justified. The mob mentality is truly hurtful. When I was younger I would dwell on what was said. Taking it to heart and hate myself for what I couldn’t contain. Some where along the line I realized there was only one real response to these situations. When you continue to beat, criticize or degrade someone after you have already said it and they have accepted it, it becomes abuse. This abuse is of a verbal nature and not physical, but make no mistake it hurts just as much as if you balled up your fist and punched them instead. Since I won’t say anything hurtful in return, the only choice I have is to walk away and not allow the abuse to continue. Inevitably this makes me the bad guy which I’m perfectly fine with because I’ve done the most important thing, protected myself and myself esteem from the abuse by others.

These situations are even worse when its the people who are your friends or family because they always continue to criticize me and then follow it with but “I love you”.  As if some how the words “but I love you" make any abuse whether psychological or physical OK. You should be grateful and really appreciative of my feedback if I want to continue to tell you how wrong you are and how terrible this is even if its already been said several times and you’ve already agreed not to do it again. Right Shelby!! Because beating you up over and over and over again feels so good to me and after all I’m justified because you didn’t have a filter first. But I love you…. 

Those words don’t fix anything. It’s not OK to berate me over and over again. Once is enough. It doesn’t need to be said again. Especially after I’ve agreed not to do it again. It means I’ve heard you and accepted responsibility. Continuing to criticize me will only get you ousted from my life permanently because I do not allow anyone to abuse me anymore. I would rather not talk to anyone or have any friends or family then to ever allow anyone to berate me for being me again. The truth is I think anyone who does this is a liar because they don’t know the meaning of the word love. When you love someone you put their needs before your own. Not recognizing that you’ve already said enough and that you are now being intentionally hurtful is controlling and selfish. That’s not love.

Having ADHD has given me the gift of empathy but also the ability to control more intense emotion then most people could even begin to comprehend. I’m strong enough to not accept the responsibility for the emotions of others and also controlled enough not to say or do anything that could be hurtful to someone else. This fact makes me very proud to be the person I am. It also makes me very grateful that I was blessed with ADHD.

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The Story of My Tattoo and Why It Means so Much to Me.

Today someone told me that I needed to write down the story of the tattoo I have on my arm because it was the most inspiring thing she’d ever heard. I decided to write it down and post it to Tumblr. But to really understand this story, I will need to tell you some of my story first. When I sat down and started writing my story today I realized how very difficult it is to tell because of how deep some of the scars I carry go.

My life hasn’t been easy. In fact it has been completely horrible at times. I struggle everyday to fit in a world that I’ll never feel like I belong too. I have ADHD and Hyper Sensitivity. People are cruel to me everyday and they don't even realize or recognize it. I’ve learned this fact over and over again. Even though I know it, I’ve never give up hope that if I’m persistent enough someone will give me a chance to belong even if its only for a little while. When I was in Kindergarten no other kids would play with me because they couldn't understand me. In second grade my teacher moved my desk into the closet and isolated me away from everyone else. I wasn’t allowed to participate in any school activities. I literally had to stay in the closet by myself.  I was afraid to tell my mother because I thought I had done something wrong. I’ve never seen her so angry as the day she found out I had spent almost an entire school year in a closet. In the third grade they made me wear noise cancelling ear phones to block out all ambient sound. This got me ridiculed by everyone else. During this year I also got told that none of the girl scout troops in my area would accept me because I was too difficult to handle. My moms created a  solution by creating a new troop. I was the only member. Then she created another part to the troop for my little sister and 20 girls her age.  So I was 3 years older and and always the next level up. The rest of elementary school was more of the same constant rejection and isolation. I had no friends because no one wanted to be around me. It was devastating to my self esteem and there was nothing that my mother could do to protect me from the cruelty of other kids even though she tried so hard to do just that. Middle school was even worse. There were all these rules about hair, makeup and clothes. I didn't get any of it. I still don’t. I played sports but even on those teams I was an outcast. The only reason I made the teams was because I was good at sports. High school started the constant torture of being called a dike. Everyone hated me and I don’t even know why or what I did that was so wrong. My teachers told me I was to stupid and would never graduate or go to college. My ninth grade year things finally turned around for me a little because my mom finally got the doctors to listen and refer me to a neurologist. He finally diagnosed some issues in my head and I spent the next 4 years taking language therapy and learning to read. I went from a 1st grade reading level in the 9th to a college level Honors class in the 12th. When someone taught my correctly, I learned exceptionally fast. I went on to college and graduated but I never have been able to keep very many friends. Even my best friend who's been my friend for 20 years says and I quote “You have to know how to handle Shelby. She isn’t like normal people”. I don't think he really knew how much that hurt to hear and I’ve never really told him because it doesn’t change how other people see me. At work my opinion is ignored even though I’m supposed to be the expert. I’m not even included in team meetings.

and then there’s dating. There has been a string of women in my life who I’ve given everything too.  They used me, criticized me for everything I do wrong, and tolerated me (their words every time) but not once loved me. The last one told me on her way out the door that no-one would ever love me because I was unlovable. That I would spend my life alone because no-one was ever going to tolerate me or want me for the person I am. This put the final nail in a coffin I hadn't even realized I had created for myself.

By the beginning of last March my self esteem was none existent. My life was in shambles. I hated everything about myself because everyday I woke up and tried to mold myself into what everyone else wanted me to be. I had allowed myself to gain weight because I didn't think it mattered and honestly I wanted to die. The only reason I hadn't taken my own life was because my mother has lymphoma and I couldn't leave her while she needed me. She the only person who has ever accepted me the way I am and I wasn’t going to take my life and hurt her that way. But the thought was there and I wouldn't have stopped death if it had come for me. This made me realize that I was broken and very damaged. I needed to heal but to do that I needed time alone away from everyone. I needed time away from the constant barrage of what I cant do right. I did the only thing I could do. I took a 6 week leave of absence from my job and made a list of all the things I needed to fix about myself. I started eating better and working out everyday. I tried this once before in the past and at the time the word Geronimo was how I kept myself focused but it didn't last because I couldn't isolate myself. This time I did isolate myself. During my leave I cut my hair short again accept for the mohawk down the middle and I died it blue. I became the authentic me that I had bottled up years earlier in an attempt to fit in. I don't fit in. I will never fit in. I know that most people are going to immediately reject me. I will be judged and ostracized. I’ve stopped trying to live my life by everyone else rules. I live it by mine. I know who I am. I’m the person who defends other people when they can’t defend themselves. Who is loyal and honest to a fault. I’m giving, kind, caring and empathic. Imaginative, funny, intelligent, witty, and brave. I can find a solution for any problem. I am a natural problem solver. I can see solutions where most people fail or give up. And once upon a time I was a physically fit weight lifter and martial artist.

Geronimo was an Apache his name became synonymous with bravery and a leap of faith in the 40s when the first paratroopers began shouting his name as they leapt out of the plane. To me it literally means that I choose to be brave, live my life as my authentic self, and have faith that regardless of the adversity I face or the judgements made against me. I will remain true to the person I know myself to be and always choose the righteous path regardless of how difficult that might be.

Last year during the time I took to learn to be myself again. I started watching Wynonna Earp. I was so inspired by the things that Kat Barrell had said in her interviews that I sent her a DM with a really weird request. My handwriting is terrible and I’ve never found a font I like but I’ve wanted a tattoo on my wrist that says Geronimo. I asked Kat to write it for me. When she replied I was awestruck she had written it 25 times to give me a few to choose from. It was so beyond anything I had expected. I was so humbled and grateful that I just couldn't bring myself to choose so I chose 1 and had the other 24 tattooed in a spiral up my arm starting at my wrist and ending at my elbow. It became more then just a reminder. It became a gauntlet and a shield to protect myself from the world that try to change me daily. This is the story of my tattoo and why it is so important to me.

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The two ADHD moods:

- I can’t do it

- I can’t stop doing it

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focus machine broke

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Also totally accurate!!

That ADHD self medicating got me like

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Totally accurate!!

the three adhd moods

can’t do it because im bored and nothing is interesting

can’t do it because im overwhelmed and im one slightly dissapointed glance away from crying for the next week

can’t do it because this one thing has had my full entire attention for the past three days and i think ive gotten two hours of sleep in that time and my blood has been replaced with coffee

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POPE TWITTER IS FUCKING POPPIN 

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Here is a sneak peek of the season 2 poster as seen on twitter