#Shannon Díaz

[can-i-get-a-yippee]

Thinking about one of the reasons why Chris is so angry at his dad is that through his actions he is constantly devaluing his role in Chris’ life.

He has spent so many years trying to recreate a moment in time where Chris, Shannon, and him were “happy”, cycling through girlfriend after girlfriend to fit the role of Shannon, failing each time they didn’t effortlessly fall into mold left by her.

But Chris, Chris never wanted that. He never needed his dad to be anything more than he was. He has loved his dad from the moment he knew how, even if he spent a lot of that time missing him.

But his dad is obsessed with chasing this idea of his mom, and it irritates him. Ana was nice. Marisol was nice. But they were never going to be his mom. They were his dad’s girlfriends, and he liked hanging out with them, liked them in general, but they’re never going to be his mom. He just wishes his dad could see that too. He doesn’t need a new mom when he already has a good dad.

And as he gets older, he wonders if his mom is even the woman his dad claims her to be. The years are making his image of her foggy, but he can still remember the feeling of when she left them, left HIM.

His dad gives him the letter and maybe he understands his mother a little better, remembers how she sounded for the first time in a long time, and he’s getting to a point where he can think of her without the bad parts again.

And then he walks in on his dad and Kim, and all he can feel is anger.

Because his dad can’t let go. His dad can’t stop chasing this ghost, and now has brought a woman who looks just like his mom into this mess, and Chris is just so angry because he doesn’t need a mom.

His mom is dead with a letter and a handful of pictures to remember her by, but his dad won’t stop resurrecting her to try and mend a wound that Chris has already let scab over. His dad refuses to listen to him, to see that what he has is enough, thinks he needs to fix something that’s not broken.

And Chris is tired of it. He’s not a baby who need to be coddled and told what is right and wrong. He wants to be seen, not looked through.

So, maybe he lashes out and calls his grandparents bc he knows it will hurt him and doesn’t tell his dad ‘I love you’ bc his dad wouldn’t believe it anyway. He doesn’t seem to believe Chris when he shows him he’s enough again and again and again.

So, why would that change now?

[dudesrysly]

Buck vs Shannon (part 1/2)

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Okay I've settled on my head canon which is that Eddie is bi (or some version of "likes women and men"), too... I need to ramble about it because this popular idea that Eddie is gay just bothers me tbh it just feels ignorant, bi erasurery. And sure, maybe I'll be proven wrong, but in the mean time...

I think the reason why Eddie just can't be happy with the women he's pushing himself to date is because he's only really ever been drawn, and loved, two people: Shannon and Buck.

And these women he's since dated... are neither of those people. So the other relationships are just... fake, unhappy. Not because of sexual incompatibility, but because they're loveless, on Eddie's part.

The romance with Shannon started as a teen-age romance. They were childhood friends and lovers, but they were too young and immature to really handle the stress of parenthood, and despite that, pushed into a marriage.

It was too much for this young, immature, love to survive. Them freaking out and not being a team.... That just started to hack away at their mutual trust, and that eventually killed the romance, and the marriage. This immature love just could not handle all this pressure, and co-exist with that dying trust.

And then, Eddie meets Buck when his and Shannon's marriage is on a break. She's runs, is away for a long time, Eddie is raising Chris alone... And Buck steps in.

And Buck is insanely helpful, a major stress relief -letting Bobby know that Eddie is struggling to find a caretaker for Chris. Researching for ways to help Eddie... He finds Carla to help them. Buck takes one look at Christopher and melts, wants to spend time with them... Eddie thinks "Woah. This guy is amazing. This is someone I can count on, who has my back."

So Eddie just moved on from Shannon. He did love her once... but then they killed their love and marriage, together. Mutual destruction.

Eddie didn't trust her anymore, she didn't trust him after he'd enlisted in a panic to run from the parenthood, from Christopher's diagnosis... they were fighting all the time... and then she just left him alone with Chris.

And I refuse to demonize her for leaving btw, she was young, under a lot of stress, and Eddie was running from his parenthood. Eddie needed that push, to take responsibility, and connect with Chris!!

But still.. She left, Eddie was hurt and alone, and really doesn't trust her anymore, and then he meets Buck.

So Eddie moves on. His and Shannon's romantic love just... dies. And when she finally tries to re-connect. Yes, he still finds her desirable, and the human bond is still an important one. But where's the love?

They've known each other since they were children, they're friends, Shannon is Christopher's mother. But Eddie no longer really loves her like he once did. He tries. He forgives her, for everything, and really tries to mend their marriage, even proposes again after finding out she may be pregnant...

But it's just too late for both of them, they don't really work as a couple, and she realises she is tired of this battle, she is done.

Shannon leaving.... this made Eddie move on from her, even though he tried to deny it, even to himself. By leaving, Shannon gave the final killing blow to their already fractured mutual trust. Then she was gone for a long time, and when she finally came back, Eddie had already moved on, connected with someone else. She even says this - I was away for too long.

She realises that their marriage dead. She is shocked when Eddie keeps pushing her away from Chris, realises their mutual lack of trust. And she finally admits to herself that she doesn't really want to get back together with Eddie.

Eddie is dragging his feet, not really accepting her back, keeps looking for a "sign" that would say they should have another serious go as partners. Only proposes after there's another pregnancy scare.

Shannon thinks, this marriage is too broken, I want out. We both deserve something better than this. So it is a story of falling in love, and falling out of love.

And then she dies, and Eddie grieves, deeply. He did love Shannon, even though their marriage was a failure. He'd loved her in so many ways. She was his friend, she was his wife, she was Christopher's mother.

However, I do feel like the reason why he struggles to date after Shannon's death is a combination of grief - being afraid to try again with anyone... and it's denial of his feelings for Buck, and also fear that what if... This happens again, what if he loves and they leave. I think the key problem here really is Buck.

Eddie has already fallen for someone, and tries to deny it, ignore it. He thinks this is a road that would take him nowhere, so why try. He thinks Buck is straight!

So he starts pushing Buck away because this odd family unit they have...? Where is it going really, he thinks, Buck doesn't want him.

This line, said to Buck:

"Somehow we became a ready-made family and I... I don't know if I'm ready for that."

It's grief for Shannon, and it's unrequited love for Buck, and it's about being unable to love Ana because of those both massive things stopping Eddie from being able to connect with her.

Remember.... that Buck starts the thing with Taylor before Eddie starts dating Ana?

Eddie, looking like a zombie, hosting Buck and Taylor, telling Buck that he needs to move on, Eddie has. (Yeah it's a lie.)

And remember all these talks about Eddie needing to move on, before he goes on dates?

This is Eddie, trying to move on, and find his third family unit.

The scene with Eddie and Buck when they've just met, Buck bragging that "some of us don't need good lighting to look good..."

And then Eddie at the fire station, looking at Buck, forgetting to introduce Ana to everyone, realising his mistake and saying to Ana;

"Oh, you've never been here!"...

Because she wasn't, Buck's presence just erases her from Eddie's mind, it's like she isn't even in the same room.

It's true, Eddie realises. Buck really doesn't need good lighting to look good, not to Eddie.

"Even in the dark, this place is amazing."

It's terrible, but disturbingly true for Eddie. This feeling, of existing in the darkness, alone, and watching someone who just doesn't need good lighting to look amazing. They just glow anyway, overwhelmingly, they just erase everyone else from your mind.

I feel like this symbolizes deep, unrequited love really well. Even in the dark this place is amazing.

So Eddie keeps struggling. He won't let Buck close because that's killing him, but he also can't let go of him. He's just ...always dying.

And then Buck comes out to him? It's a shock. It's a brief moment of dumb, wide-eyed hope.

But then Eddie immediately realizes... This changes nothing. Buck is dating someone else. Buck is falling for someone else. Buck is still... Just a friend.

Nothing has changed for Buck, and therefore not for Eddie either. Eddie is still alone in this. And keeps dying.

So... The point I'm trying to make here.

I feel like this struggle we're seeing, it's not about Eddie being gay. He fell for Shannon, they agreed the sex was never the problem.

Even this new relationship with Marisol. He does feel sexual desire for her... Their sex life is great... Until he learns that she was almost a nun? Imagine being in the closet, bi, and realising your girlfriend was almost a nun?

It's truly "eyes on the ground". Would she still want her, if she really knew who, or what, Eddie is? Would she be disgusted if she learned about all of Eddie's fantasies?

How can Eddie trust her?

So... That's what making him run from Marisol. I do think he's making a genuine effort to move on from his old flames - Shannon and Buck.

I mean... Remember Eddie's talk with his tia? Learning that she had been married before, and refusing to even try dating someone else, until her friends dragged her out?

And ultimately this made her move on, meeting someone else. And soon she didn't regret trying again.

So Eddie is trying to move on from Shannon, and Buck.

But can he? Is he?

One thing about Buck's coming out, and the following scene, the talk with Eddie...

Noticed the buddie subtext, and the bisexual subtext of the lines when he talks about Marisol there? About needing to go home.

The "menu" is not the issue. The issue is that he doesn't want to go home, to Marisol. (Lol, there's btw that bicycle again, hanging on the wall behind Eddie's back. Bi subtext!!)

Eddie does desire her. ... He just doesn't love her. And that keeps happening... Because his heart is already taken.

[makorragal-312]

Okay, I know that I put up a post speculating about how Chris would interact with Marisol, but rewatching his conversation with Buck is making me think of a possible avenue the show could go with his feelings on Eddie and Marisol's relationship.

Earlier, I said that that I saw Chris being distant with Marisol and not making an active effort in getting to know her because her being with Eddie meant that they'd be seeing Buck less. But now? What if Chris still ends up being distant and not trying to form a connection with Marisol, not necessarily because he hates the relationship...

But because he's just waiting for her to walk out just like his mom did with him and Eddie.

And as much as I hate seeing Chris be hurt, Marisol leaving is necessary.

Because she's gonna be the last person to leave.

And Buck is gonna be the first person to actually stay.

I really hope this made sense.

[snowviolettwhite]

The Diaz parents are probably coming in the next episode because their grandson called him concerned that his father is having a mental breakdown. It is only logically to call dad’s mom and dad, they can take care of his dad, they can take care of their kid.

Chis is “I am a child, his parents can deal with him. They can figure out what is wrong and help and comfort him and knock some sense into him. I am not dealing with this. I have my own issues without worrying about my dad.”

[zebida]

Bobby: Because you don’t talk to the women you’re dating. You just go with the flow and find yourself in a relationship with no idea how you got there and what to do when things go wrong.

Eddie: Yeah who does that?

Buck: 😒🤨

[missmagooglie]

Fuck it Friday! I'm still deciding whether to continue this into a full blown fic or just leave it as a ficlet, but have some canon divergence from this last episode...

--

“You were supposed to be here with me, baby,” he says as tears well in his eyes. “And now you're not.”

She puts her hands on his cheeks and brushes his tears away. “I'm sorry,” she says. “I'm sorry I left, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you why.” She steps closer, her body pressing against him as she says, “But I'm here now. Baby, I'm right here.”

A broken, anguished sound spills from his lips as she presses a kiss to them, but he doesn't hesitate before surging forward and wrapping her in his arms and deepening the kiss.

“I missed you,” he confesses. “Shannon, I missed you so much.”

“Show me,” she says. “Show me how much you missed me. Show me how much you want me.”

Her legs wrap around him seamlessly as he lifts her, like they've done it a hundred times before. They kiss like they're trying to consume one another as he carries her to the bedroom.

They shed their clothes hurriedly, clumsy as they grope and cling to one another, unwilling to part for even a moment.

Her back arches as he presses into her and they lose themselves to simple, carnal pleasure. This part is easy. This part has always been easy for them, even when nothing else was.

“I missed you so much,” he tells her, his words watery and choked with emotion. “I've been so lost without you.”

She runs her fingers through his hair, tilting his face to meet her eyes as she does. “I'm right here,” she says. “I won't ever leave you again, baby.”

He gives a plaintive whine, and his hips move faster, shifting from something languid and sensual to something sharper and more possessive. She moans and clings to him. “Yeah, baby. Just like that,” she gasps. “You always fuck me so good.”

“Shannon,” he sobs, pressing his tear-streaked face into her neck, “I need you. I need this. Please.”

“I’ve got you,” she says. “I love you, Eddie.”

He comes inside her, his body shuddering and his breath ragged. For a moment, he lies still on top of her, his cock still pressed into her, and then he goes tense. Suddenly, the air in the room is different. Heavier.

“Oh my god,” he says, pulling away from her quickly. “Kim, I’m– fuck. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” she says, leaning back on her elbows as she starts to sit up, “and I don’t need to be Kim. Not right now.”

“No, Kim, this– this is too much,” he says, frantically running his hands through his hair. “I– Jesus, I can’t believe I just did that. We shouldn’t have done that.”

She reaches out to him, but he flinches away. 

She bites her lip and looks up at him from beneath her new bangs that look so much like a dead woman's. “I can be her for you, Eddie,” she says. “I came here tonight so that I could be her for you. So I could help you find something that you lost.”

“And I– Kim, I appreciate you trying to help me find closure, but we took this too far. I took this too far. I called you by her name! I let myself believe that you were her!”

“I wanted you to,” she says, sitting up and pushing into his space. “I wanted to be the woman you love, Eddie. I– I could be the woman you love. You just have to let me.”

He stands up and steps away from the bed. Trembling and naked, he says, “I need you to go now.”

“You don’t mean that,” she says. “Baby, you can’t mean that.”

“Don’t– don’t call me that,” he says.

“You were so angry with her for leaving you,” she pushes on, “but I’m not going to leave you. I can stay.”

“Kim–”

“Call me Shannon,” she pleads.

“Kim,” he says, more forcefully this time. He starts to say more, but he’s cut off by sound of the front door opening.

“Da-ad!” Christopher calls out from the living room. “We’re ba-ack!”

“Fuck. Shit,” he says, scrambling to put his clothes back on, and throwing the clothes she was wearing toward her. “My son cannot see you.”

“What?” she says with an outraged expression that looks all too familiar, “Are you serious?”

“About my son not seeing a woman who looks like his dead mother coming out of my bedroom?” Eddie says incredulously. “You’re damn right I’m serious. There’s a door in the kitchen. You sneak out that way while I go to the living room and distract them.”

“Eddie?” Marisol calls. “Are you home?”

Her eyes widen. “Who is that?” she demands, her eyes sparking with anger and jealousy.

“None of your business,” he hisses. “You need to leave before my kid sees you.”

She fumes at him, but relents, pulling her blouse back over her head. 

They’re both close enough to decent, so he peeks out into the hallway before gesturing for her to follow him into the kitchen. He waves her toward the back door, before pasting on a big smile for Christopher and Marisol as he walks into the dining room and shuts the door behind him.

A bare few minutes later, his phone buzzes. He picks it up and sees a text from her. 

When can I see you again?

Eddie glances nervously at his son and his girlfriend, hoping desperately that they don't ask who's texting him. 

I don’t think that’s a good idea, he writes back. I think this should be goodbye. 

I’m not leaving you again, comes the almost immediate response. I know that’s not what you want.

A chill runs down his spine, and his hand trembles slightly as he taps out, You aren’t her. 

I can be, she replies. I want to be. For you.

He swallows back the static buzz of rising panic, drowning out the cheerful chatter from his son and his girlfriend, and wonders if the mistake he just made is bigger than he realized. 

--

Tag list beneath the cut. To be added, interact with this post.

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[147poundsofteenwolf]

What if…

[avnasace]

something about: "he almost lost one of his mums. its normal for him to think about the one he never had" with denny and henren (loosely paraphrased)

paralleled to christopher acting out suddenly, a few months after buck almost died, because hes thinking about his mum and being left behind...

[katherinewinchester13]

Now you're out in the world, searchin' for your soul

Scared not to be hip, scared to get old

Chasing make-believe status, last time you felt free

Was when none of that shit mattered 'cause you were with me

But now that we're done and it's over

I bet it's hard to believe

That it turned out I'm harder to forget than I was to leave

And, yeah, I bet you think about me

I bet you think about me, yes

I bet you think about me

★∻∹⋰⋰ ☆∻∹⋰⋰ ★∻∹⋰⋰ ☆∻∹⋰⋰★∻∹⋰⋰

★★★★✩

° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °° ∆ -------- ••• ------

Complete 💯

Words:9,239

╱╲❀╱╲╱╲❀╱╲╱╲❀╱╲╱╲❀╱╲╱╲❀╱╲╱╲

SHIPS ❤

Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz

Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz

╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱╲╱

DESCRIPTION

After a one-night stand in Mexico while Eddie is on leave, waitress Shannon is left with a child she doesn't have the means or the ability to care for.

Enter one Evan Buckley, who takes one look at Toddler Christopher and falls in love.

▅▄▃▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▂▃▄▅

[dropofbittersea]

It’s not until the earthquake that Eddie figures it out.

Hen grabs him from the trolley, hauling him to his feet and clambering out into the open, Chimney appears by their sides with a quick yell of, “Where’s Cap?” as more firefighters join them outside, glancing around to check on each other, the fogging from the oxygen tank leaks makes it harder to see into the station right as Buck and Cap stumble out.

Buck is similarly checking Cap out, grabbing at his elbow, where there’s a small streak of blood. “Hen!”

What Eddie’s most surprised by is Buck sticking to Nash’s side, the hand that Nash keeps on Buck’s shoulder, and then it clicks.

He’d be the same if Chris was there; probably a little more overbearing, but Chris is only seven, so he figures that’d be why. But it makes sense, how focused on Buck that Nash is right then, the similar frantic energy that Buck’s got focusing on the Captain. He’s a little surprised that the LAFD allow a father and son pair to work together.

---

Eddie makes some assumptions when he joins the 118, he'd like the record to show he's not entirely wrong.

[can-i-get-a-yippee]

There’s an alternate universe where the 911 writers didn’t murder Shannon, and she, Buck, and Eddie get to have a similar dynamic to Micheal, Bobby, and Athena

[dudesrysly]

Buck vs Shannon (part 2/2)

+

Bonus 

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Reasons why I keep rambling about Bi!Eddie...

Why? Why would Eddie hide his sexual identity, bisexuality? Because... why not, he thinks.

Dating only women would mean less conflict with his family. His family is religious and Eddie loves them, is scared to lose them.

Eddie also fears triggering more conflict, maybe even fears his family might not consider him a good dad anymore if he came out.

He already almost had to fight for his son's custody with them. What if he comes out and they lash out? He has a dangerous job, works ridiculous hours, is a single parent. A queer man is not every courtroom's favorite person.

So women... That's where Eddie hides, it's what he knows. It's "a safe place to hide"... because in theory, it's fine, it's comfortable. Eddie is attracted to women. So he isn't really sacrificing anything, or at least much, he thinks... Just marry a woman you love, and it's all good. No need to come out and clash with your family, or make Christopher's childhood even more of a challenge. After all, the world is still prejudiced and not all children of queer parents have it easy.

But the truth is... Closeted life isn't a cake-walk even if you avoid detection, and are sort of adjusting. You are still hiding a part of yourself. Acting. Feeling like you need to pretend. Scared and unable to be fully yourself.

I've noticed that Buddie fans keep pointing to Eddie's panic attacks as this "haha gotcha, you're GAY!"-confirmation. It's ignorant.

Did you know that panic attacks are actually not at all unusual among closeted bisexuals, either?

Masks are always suffocating, no matter what you're hiding.

Not to mention, when Eddie starts having those panic attacks, he's under a world of pressure. Trying to recover and get back to dating... Quite soon really, after losing his wife.

He's also got a mountain of trauma and PTSD after surviving several near-death- experiences. To add to the trauma, the way he experienced the shooting? He thought Buck was wounded.

And then he is pressured into asking Ana out even though it hasn't been that long since he lost his wife.

Also I'm quite sure... His heart just isn't in it, dating. I think he has actually by that point fallen for Buck. And ignores it, tries to move on, forces himself to date someone else.

Get back on a horse, even if you don't really want to, feel the need to. Doesn't matter what you like, just do it anyway! "Horses" it is. Dating it is.

So Ana and Eddie? It's a tale of unrequited love, for Eddie, and for Ana. Falling for a concept because the person you truly want is simply not invested like you are, is emotionally unavailable to you.

The anxiety builds when people keep assuming Ana is Eddie's wife or Christopher's mom. It's too soon, it feels wrong. The relationship is just a mask because Eddie hasn't actually moved on. From Shannon, or from Buck. He panics when Ana says. "I'm not his mother... I'm... just a friend."

It's a reminder that she isn't Shannon - not Christopher's mom.

And she isn't Buck either. Buck who isn't really Christopher's father, who is... just a friend.

And like Buck... Ana is becoming Eddie's ready-made family anyway. Actually the third ready-made family, really. Shannon, Buck, Ana... All happened without much room to stop and re-consider.

Shannon... A rushed shotgun marriage triggered by an unplanned pregnancy and catholic guilt.

Buck, (a seemingly) straight friend quickly becoming family - clearly a dead end romance-wise.

Ana... A rushed, pressured romance built out of need to forcibly move on, and find a step-mom for Chris. Three ready-made families, all destroying Eddie in different ways. Anxiety, inner turmoil, panic.

....

So. Eddie's bisexuality!!!

That ice skating scene in "Malfunction"? The episode is very Eddie-centric, and the theme is "Me a tough macho man, me trust nobody, ugh!"

There's Eddie's fight club clusterfuck, his argument with Lena about Eddie being emotionally distant. Eddie, crying in front of Bobby about his grief, about Shannon leaving because Eddie "broke" her, because he wasn't enough...

Eddie = Trust issues galore, abandoment issues galore. Persistent shame and guilt making him unable to go for anything he really wants. Avoidance. Hidden pain. Constant urge to be in control, and never slip.

So let's look at that ice skating scene in "Malfunction"...

It's a blood bath on ice. Figure skaters toe-picking and getting injured, all because of one fallen sequin on ice triggering a domino effect. Bobby knows to look for a sequin because he's got some experience with this stuff.

Chimney: So how come you know so much about figure skating?

Eddie: Always thought you were a hockey player, cap.

...

Bobby: Who says you can't do both?!

(They team is shocked. Buck says "We'll google for photos later"

Chimney waves his hand around like he agrees... But in a way that ends up looking like he's pointing at Buck AND Eddie. And Hen then throws this shocked lingering stare at Buck and Eddie, like she just realised something!)

...Who says you can't do both? Indeed... Is there some secret quota, unknown to me, that dictates how many bi characters a tv show can have?

Is there a law that a queer male ship must always be the sum of one bi male, one male gay character? Why do we expect that? Because it would be more diverse, more varied representation?

Correct me if I've got this wrong... But writing Eddie as gay would in fact not score the show more diversity points, not in the realm of 9-1-1.

The show STARTS OFF with a storyline about a closeted, married gay man! If Eddie was gay... It would be the show's second storyline about a closeted, married gay man. That's not diverse representation. That would be in fact... quite repetitive, unimaginative queer representation!

Also, let's keep in mind that the show already has several gay male characters by the time Eddie joins the team.

Michael! David! Josh! That's already three gay men. If Eddie was gay, Eddie would be the fourth gay male character.

Oh wait. Tommy. So... FIFTH one! Also there are even more strictly gay monosexuals: Two lesbians. Hen and Karen.

However, there are just two confirmed bi character so far. Buck and Eva.

So really, Who says you can't "do both"?

Who says both of these characters can't be interested in women and men, into more genders than one? Who says both Buck and Eddie can't be bi?

"We're everywhere, man." That's Eddie's line in that scene, gif below. (And pink+yellow balloons, blue gloves? Pansexual-coded colors. Multisexuality!)

Eddie, subtly illuminated in bi-coded colors. Blue, purple, pink... On a date with a woman.

Talking with Buck. Bi-coded lighting.

Oh look, what's behind Eddie? The famous bi-cycle. While he talks about "the menu" not being the issue...

"The sex was never the issue", with Shannon. Canonically they actually went at it like bunnies, even to the detriment of their relationship because they failed to talk due to being too distracted by each other's bodies.

"The "menu" is not the issue." And it's not with Marisol, either. Not until Eddie learns of her hyper religious past.

Confronting Marisol, a former nun-student? That's the issue here, that's what Eddie's trying to avoid. Confronting his obviously at least at one point very religious, quite possibly bigoted girlfriend...?? Would certainly be an issue, if you're bi!!! Who wants to date a bigot?! Your very own domestic hate crime.

So... Eddie talks about the upcoming alone time with Marisol (when Chris was away) feeling exciting, naughty... Until he learns she was almost a NUN!

He talks about "eyes on the ground". And that's what dating a fundamentalist would be, if you're bi and closeted. Eyes on the ground, close to you.

Suddenly being judged for same-sex attraction is no longer just a distant fear, a vague idea to Eddie, it's a living, breathing person in his home, in his bed.

Really, imagine dating a bigot. Imagine your partner being disgusted, disturbed, judgemental... by your sexuality, your identity, your desires, dreams. Imagine them being repulsed by such an fundamental, persistent part of what makes you... you. Something you cannot change.

Imagine sometimes fantasizing about men as well as women, and then... trying to have sex with someone... who you suspect might consider your secret fantasy life disgusting, wrong. Imagine that negative reaction if they knew the whole truth, who you really are?!

An efficient boner killer, for sure!! No wonder Eddie is suddenly avoiding her company, anxious by the idea of sex with her. He doesn't trust Marisol anymore.

Also, let's talk about Eddie and moving on.

Why going home is an issue. Leaving Buck's place is an issue. Because trying to move on? Those words just need a melody, and ta-dah it's the Eddie Diaz theme song. The story of his life. The concept just keeps coming up.

Moving on. Being unable to move on.

Quite frankly, I think this is the main reason why Eddie cannot date without freaking out.

When Eddie joins the team he's still stuck on Shannon. "They weren't my type." Less awkward than to say "Sure they were hot, but I do have an estranged wife."

Shannon was his first crush, love, his first everything. The mother of his child. His friend. But they were young, not ready to get married and have a child, especially one with special needs. They were pushed to do that anyway when Shannon suddenly got pregnant, unplanned.

Btw, may I just point out that they're already under a lot of pressure and struggling when we first see them together on the show?

What we miss out on seeing... are the times when things were still great! That creates a limited, tinted view of their romance, and warps our entire view of their relationship. When we first see Eddie and Shannon, their relationship is already quite fractured, and falling apart.

Doesn't mean it always was bad.

Inability to work together. That eventually destroyed their relationship. Both failed to listen to each other, to be a team. Their love died because their mutual trust and respect died.

Eddie couldn't handle sudden parenthood, sudden marriage (and catholics truly expect forever), Christopher's cp diagnosis. He enlisted, escaped to the army. Shannon couldn't handle the guilt, thinking the cp was her fault. They fought all the time. Eddie let his parents meddle with Christopher's upbringing, walk over Shannon. He refused to listen to her when she wanted to move to another city. Eddie avoided bonding with Chris.

So when Eddie got home from the war-zone, she left. Eddie was suddenly alone with Chris. And Shannon was gone for a long time. Her leaving, it was a shock to the system. Eddie no longer trusted her, she'd abandoned him, and more importantly, abandoned Chris.

So Eddie is struggling. Alone. Hurt.

And then... Eddie meets Buck, who is ridiculously helpful. Buck is someone Eddie can count on. They're almost instantly a team.

So Eddie moves on from Shannon, and falls for Buck. From that point on? There is no real room for others. From then on it's just barely discreet heart-eyes at Buck, and Eddie not truly wanting to date anyone (else).

Eddie doesn't really want to get back together with Shannon when she returns. The sex is still great, that was never the issue, they both agree on that one thing...

But she was simply gone for too long, she even says this. It's obvious. Eddie has adjusted to life without her, found a new focus, moved on from her.

For example when we see Eddie, Buck and Chris visit Santa? Eddie talks about Shannon to Buck in this almost anxious way, like he feels the need to explain himself to Buck, like he's been cheating on Buck. Buck then calls Eddie "brother", and Eddie's face, just for a moment... Falls. He looks disturbed, disappointed, to be called "brother".

Eddie tries to mend the relationship with Shannon. It's obviously out of a sense of duty (catholic guilt, marriage should last, divorce is wrong), he keeps waiting for a "sign", keeps ducking her questions, pushing her away, keeps dragging his feet. His heart is no longer in it. Shannon realises this, wants to break up.

And then she dies. Eddie grieves. Feels guilt for failing to salvage the marriage. And then Eddie is just... stuck. Unable to move on, from grieving Shannon, from the guilt caused by their failed marriage, from Buck. Tries to force himself to move on. Fails. Keeps dying inside.

Heart's already taken.

.....

There are so many talks about moving on after that. Seemingly they are all about Shannon, and I do think they are about Shannon...

Just not... entirely. After all, Eddie didn't really want to get back together with her, did he now. We see them fighting, a lot. Their relationship wasn't dancing on roses, there were serious problems.

So the talks about moving on are also about Buck. Buck, who Eddie thinks is straight, yet parenting Chris with him. They become close, are seen doing all sorts of domestic family stuff.

What a painful existence would that be, to raise your child with someone whom you love and desire, but who you think cannot ever return your feelings? Who wants that? Of course Eddie would want to move on!!

Then shit happens... And Eddie clearly just... spirals without Buck. Partakes in illegal fights to let off steam. Yells at Buck at a grocery store about "not being around, Christopher missing him..". They end up looking like a couple in the middle of a messy divorce.

People, including Buck, pressure Eddie into dating. Buck keeps dating women. Eddie... keeps having talks about moving on.

Looks totally dead as he tells Buck that he needs to move on, Eddie has. It's an obvious lie, and it's such a bizarre thing to say to a friend, no matter the circumstances - very relationship-coded.

Almost like Eddie was just desperate to voice those words out loud, wishing that saying them would turn them into reality. Move on, I have!! (Move on, stop approaching me, stop tormenting me like this.)

....

So move on, Eddie...

....

There's Buck, urging Eddie to ask Ana out.

......

Bobby, telling Eddie that he will always miss the family he once had, but he loves the new one he now has. So you should try moving on, Eddie!

.......

Eddie's doctor... suggesting he could be repressing things.

The talk with the doctor;

They're talking about the shooting... Until it sounds like Eddie isn't.

Eddie: I don't even think about him anymore.

Doc: That could be called repression.

Eddie: Or just... moving forward.

Then some more subtext about pining. Remember Buck... being compared to a golden retriever?

Remember the man who cornered himself on a roof? Whining that he always wanted a dog but mom wouldn't let him because "Barry was allergic!"... (Or maybe, queerphobic?)

.....

Ana: There's a lot to be said for getting back on the horse. But there's also value in learning that you don't like "horses".

Eddie: I'm sorry?

....

Carla, telling Eddie to follow his heart, not Christopher's.... (Edit. Btw, look up the pictures of those hearts, I can't add more pictures to this post.There's Buck's silly, happy "misunderstood the assignment" love-type heart symbol... The one Chris drew, the one Carla warns against following?

Dead-looking, clinical, anatomical. And it's drawn with bisexual-flag colors!!!!

Love can't be about logic and rationality, reasoning with yourself and finding a good enough match. Even if on paper it makes sense. Love needs to be an emotion. It needs to make you happy.)

.....

The first day Buck and Eddie meet:

Buck is taking selfies.

Eddie: You're in the wrong lighting, man.

Buck: Some of us don't need lighting to look good!

And...

Years later... At the dark firestation, Eddie looking at Buck, getting lost on his memory lane, forgetting to introduce Ana.

Ana: Even in the dark this place is amazing! (The parallel to "Some of us don't need lighting to look good.")

And Eddie panics.

(*panicking, looking between Ana and Buck*)

Eddie: I don't want these things to wilt!

.....

After that... Eddie, looking at Buck:

Somehow we became a ready-made family, and I... I don't know if I'm ready for that.

(and how could he be ready for that, he thought Buck was straight.)

.....

Eddie talking with his tía, learning that she's been married twice, not just once, like Eddie always thought.

Eddie, learning that she had been unable to move on from the first husband, and didn't feel ready to date... But her friends had dragged out anyway, and that's when she had met her second husband-to-be.

And it was this, meeting someone else, that made her move on. So Eddie forces himself to date, thinking that all he needs to do is meet the right person, and he'll finally move on.

.....

The scene with Marisol, setting her bag on Eddie's hallway table.

Checking that it's not falling off... because there is barely enough space for Marisol to set down her belongings.

The table is already full. There's a toy truck on it, which BUCK gave Chris, years ago,

and it takes so much room.

It's lit, under a lamp, in the center of a table, the first thing you see when you enter Eddie's home. A prized little thing, a treasure. It's clearly valued, spotlighted like art... Even though a toy like that? Would not be very expensive.

Still, it's clearly something Eddie cherishes. Chris is no longer a little kid, he doesn't play with toys like that. But the truck stays, it's something Eddie wants to keep looking at. And it's huge, centered, leaves little room for something else.

Eddie is pining!!!!

Whether he realises it or not... This man is in love, that's why his relationships feel so suffocating, why they keep failing. His heart is already taken. His romantic relationships are just glued on, they're pretense, acting, a desperate attempt to move on, from Buck.

[makorragal-312]

At this point, the only way I see this storyline leading to Eddie's queer realization arc is if next episode, he kinda engages in some sort of emotional affair with Kim due to him projecting his unresolved feelings for Shannon on her. But as time goes on, things become clear the Kim is nothing like Shannon and everything turns on its head when Eddie accidentally refers to Kim as "Shannon" and things immediately shut down from there.

Then Kim goes on to ask him what's going on with him and that's when Eddie is forced to admit that she reminded him of his late wife and that seeing her brought back some emotions he hadn't been able to get rid of. That's when she has to tell him that projecting his unresolved love for his wife on someone else isn't happy and that he shouldn't be trying to recreate it on her or anyone else and that each love should be different and not recreated. She ultimately tells Eddie that he needs to work on himself and through his emotions for Shannon and asks him not to see her again.

Eddie ultimately thinks this over and eventually decides that Kim was right and that not only was he projecting Shannon onto her, but he had been more often than not projecting her and their relationship onto his last relationships and trying to recreate the family that they had for the short amount of time Shannon was around. That's when he decides to finally break things off with Marisol and focus on himself, which ultimately leads to his queer awakening either at the ends of the season or the start of Season 8 and the eventual feelings realization for Buck.

[snowviolettwhite]

Oh Eddie, sweetheart. He is stilling grieving and hurting so much . He needs to have a good cry. He misses her so much, He just wants his best friend who introduce herself to him when they were little fourteen-year-olds back. If Shannon had still been alive, they could have to healed their relationship but gotten divorced and still have remain best friends. He does not only want to find a mother for Christopher, he subconsciously wants to find himself a best friends like Shannon. He wants someone who knows him and loves him and knows and loves his kid. Eddie wants a best friends to lovers love story because best friends already know and love each other. They loved each so much. They were best friends.