#Seriously people we should be allowed to name the word rape | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thecagedbard · 7 months ago

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Oh Look, another Tav story! This is currently posted over on AO3 in its entirety but I thought I’d post it to tumblr as well. If you’d like to sneak a peak at some of the chapter names, if you don’t want to read the whole thing yet, have a listen to the title playlist: here. There is also just the ‘Here’s what I was listening to while writing' playlist, and my Faetrala Uncaged playlist which serves as inspiration for Vesper’s siblings. A lot of the songs tend to overlap but who knows, you might find one you enjoy.

Rating: Mature

Pairing(s): Astarion/Tav (Vesper), Astarion/Halsin, Astarion/Halsin/Tav(Vesper); Mentions of Karlach/Shadowheart/Wyll; Mentions of Gale/AFAB OC

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Canon Divergence, Child Death

Word count: 12,113/300,000+ Summary: Vesper needed someone to protect her from an abusive husband should he appear after she was abducted by mind flayers. Astarion needed someone to fall for him so he had protection from Cazador. He's got two hundred years of manipulation and she has the soft heart of a lamb being led to slaughter. While subconsciously healing each other they both realize they also need to heal the druid of all damned people.

Chapter Three

Vesper had awoken with a start, her hands flailing as her body reacted to being magically thrown backward. The still awake druids in the grove helped to calm her, offering tea for her nerves but she declined. Tea was always bitter and she doubted they had anything sweet to add to it like her elder sister, Zilly, had done in the past.

While the others continued their rest she accepted help from one of the older women in the group to change out of her torn shirt and into armor that had been donated by Zevlor for their coming fight. The tiefling paladin had heard from Halsin the plan and while reluctant to put his people in danger he had rallied them to the idea, the older woman had explained. The elder druids and those that were more healing-based would remain with the infirm, children, and those with no fighting experience.

The rest of the plan was kept from her but as she looked around the druid’s quarters she noticed that even the little thieving children, Mol, Mattis, and even Silfy, were all asleep together in a group surrounding the large wolf that Rath was bonded to. They needed to win this.

Halsin joined her by the hearth before sunrise, she explained how Minthara told her it was to go. “She offered to have the fight on the road but I thought it would be better where we could set an ambush rather than allow her the opportunity,” Vesper had told the older elf and he was in agreement.

“We took out the bridge as you asked, even dragged some of that ship into the area. None of our birds reported seeing goblins or even a whisper of their ilk, your plan will work…” he said to her, her face flushed under his praise. She wasn’t a strategist or anything of the like, play fighting with her brother’s friend Sexton had given her the idea.

“You were all seriously ill when you came through the gate, a fever that I don’t imagine was from the fighting,” Halsin watched her across the fire and she met his eyes. In the firelight she noticed they looked almost golden, “I dreamed about it–the fever,” she said, “and in the dream, there was someone who told me I was transforming but…but he stopped it?” Vesper dropped the shared gaze back into the fire, “I don’t want to turn into a mindflayer…Nettie,” Vesper turned for her bag but remembered Astarion had still been wearing it and cursed under her breath, “Nettie gave me wyvern poison. I swear, if that fever comes again I’ll take it. I don’t want to put anyone at risk.” When she lifted her eyes from the flame again Halsin was regarding her warmly and he bowed his head, “I hope it doesn’t have to come to that.”

There was stirring around them as the others were beginning to awaken and Halsin excused himself to prepare. They had one more day, one day to set up traps, one day to be sure the goblins weren’t near; one day to prepare for a planned attack. Why did that thought cause her so much worry?

When she excused herself from the interior of the druid’s area she wandered the grove. Rath and Nettie both approached Vesper to thank her for rescuing Halsin and she tried to wave them off but they wouldn’t hear of it. She was listening to Rolan as he attempted to give her a dressing down about bringing the fight to the grove and how because of her actions everyone, most importantly himself, Cal, and Lia, were in danger now. Lia was quick to jump to her defense and Cal created a distraction before giving Vesper small pushes, so the bard could get away, “We’ll be fine. Lia and Rolan have been itching for a fight this whole time,” he had told her just a little bit later, “I think Rolan’s scared his magic won’t be strong enough.” Vesper leaned close and nodded, “I’m much the same to be perfectly honest. I’m sorry I’m putting you all in danger with me.” Cal had shaken his head with a grin, “Don’t be ridiculous, whether it happened here or on the road, the danger would have found us at some point.”

She saw the Karlach and Shadowheart with Dammon as he was hammering on one piece of the infernal iron they had found. Karlach looked excited but anxious and Shadowheart was just watching curiously, she turned to Vesper as the bard approached, “Morning…did you have any strange dreams last night?” Vesper nodded, “Damn,” said Shadowheart, “I was hoping it wasn’t something with the tadpole.” Karlach turned and shook her head, “Yeah, the gorgeous visitor in that golden paladin armor…I don’t know if I trust it.”

“Did either of you recognize yours?” asked the bard as she watched Dammon work. He glanced up in her direction and nodded his greeting before he stood straighter and held out the device to Karlach, “You’ll have to insert it.” As he explained Shadowheart narrowed her eyes to Vesper and shook her head, “No, why did yours have a familiar face.” The bard nodded, and her hand came up to touch her collar over her armor, the cleric’s eyes followed her fingers and she blanched, “That may prove to be a number one reason to not trust this dream visitor then…are you alright?”

The bard nodded and smiled, “Of course I am…” She turned her attention to Karlach who was taking a deep breath, “and how are you Karlach?” Even Dammon was watching for a reaction. The tiefling stood there for a moment, “It didn’t cool me down but I feel…stronger. I feel good.” The drow smiled, “Good, you’ll have a lot of things to hit tomorrow.” The tiefling smirked, and her brows waggled, “Bring it.”

After defeating the hobgoblin in the destroyed Selune temple, the party had found smoke powder barrels and stuffed as many small pouches as they had full of the black powder. Around midday, they were going through their items, trading with Aaron for scrolls or weapons, when Wyll learned that Vesper had a little knowledge about using a rapier he was quick to trade for one and demand the rest of her afternoon to work on technique.

“I understand that the plan is for you to remain high, but these goblins are craftier than we think…if you’ll remember,” she nodded as he explained and stood across from her, “it is better for you to be fully prepared should one of them make it up the wall.” The children were gathering around them, Mol and her group as well as the children that Wyll had been teaching when they first met. The kids Wyll had assisted were yelling advice at her as she and Wyll sparred. The Blade of Frontiers had years of proper training, his back kept straight and his opposite arm up ready to fire a spell if need be.

Vesper, on the other hand, had been trained secondhand by a boy who had been in the process of learning himself. When realized that the bard's form of dueling was more aggressive he adjusted himself and the two went back and forth, he still won the sparring match but had few remarks to make other than how she danced away from the blade and how graceful she seemed while fighting. It was one of the first few times she was truly laughing as he paid her the compliments, “My trade was in dance…and landscape art, but mostly dance,” she explained to him and the kids began to yell for them to go again.

Mol pushed off the fence and handed over a canteen of water, “I’ve been watching him. He feints left and hits on his right…and when he thinks you're going to lunge he bounces.” Vesper’s brows knit together as she took the canteen and she nodded, “I’ll remember that…” The sparring partners faced off again, their companions coming up to watch now. She heard Shadowheart and Astarion talking about bets and raised her brows to Wyll, he laughed and bowed his head before taking his stance again.

This time around she watched for his tells, Mol was right, if she attempted to lunge it was as if Wyll could read it and would bounce just a hair on the balls of his feet. If he moved to hit at her left she lunged in that direction and was able to tap at his armor twice, “Impressive Vesper,” he called out to her as their blade met closely, “who told you?” She grinned and hummed before shaking her head, “Can’t tell you. I made a friend,” she brought both shoulders up just a hair before leaping back and spinning before holding her blade out, tucking her arm to her side.

The monster hunter chuckled and laid his rapier to his side, “I give, I give…I think you’ll do alright if it comes to it.” There was a loud boo from behind the children and everyone turned to see one of the adult tieflings laughing, “Don’t let her win, Blade of Frontiers!” A couple of the kids joined in and Vesper’s jaw dropped, “It’s supposed to be a friendly sparring match!” Astarion called from the other side, “No, I’ve got five gold on Wyll…I need to see the end of this. Don’t forfeit, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Who did you get to make a bet with you?” asked Karlach with wide eyes.

Mol grinned, “She’s going to kick his butt!” indicating she was, in fact, the one the vampire had made the bet with. Wyll sighed and looked to Vesper, “What do you say? Shall we give them a show?” He was relenting because of her heaving breath, it had been ten years since she fought with a sword and ten years since a long night of dancing. She didn’t have the stamina to keep up with him but as she looked at all of them and then back to Wyll she lifted her blade and spun it until it stood straight in front of herself, “There’s gold involved, Wyll…I think we have to.” Wyll lifted his own blade, his own breathing much steadier than hers and he nodded, “Very well. Have at you ‘foul drow,” a bunch of people, including Vesper, groaned before he lunged forward.

“I think that one might have hurt my tadpole,” said Gale as he leaned against one of the barrels.

More barbs were thrown back and forth during this one, Astarion cried foul a few times, “She’s casting vicious mockery!” But he had no proof other than the faces that Wyll kept pulling to her bad puns, he said nothing about the terrible puns that Wyll flung around though.

The fight ended when Wyll began to take pity on the tiring dancer, twice she had to be pushed back into the fight by their spectators and he had been just about to ask her to forfeit when she made to lunge, he bounced backwards, and she dropped to knock his feet from under him as he came down. She had the point of her blade at his throat as soon as he opened his eyes, “Did I win?” There was sweat pouring down her face again but she was smiling down at him.

It was as close as the blade had come to skin the whole fight. The two managed to just whack each other on the side or tap each other’s torso with the tip of their rapiers. Wyll, from the ground, began laughing and held up his hands, “I yield!”

Once he said it, Vesper dropped her own weapon and collapsed next to him. She could hear the voices of the others as they dispersed and closed her eyes as a shadow was cast over her, “I wasn’t aware you were trained in swordsmanship,” she heard Gale say and waved her hand, “Trained…play at,” she opened her eyes to look up to the wizard. “There’s not really money to be made in sword fighting unless you’re a mercenary or paid to entertain people. My mother wouldn’t have heard of it, I learned while my brother’s friend was taking lessons. He taught me, my brothers Vale and Perris, and my sister Nelly. Told us it helped him learn the proper moves and etiquette.”

From her place on the ground she could see Wyll’s hand raise as he said, “None of the etiquette stuck, by the way, you’d be heavily reprimanded if you had a proper instructor.” She snorted once as she laughed, “If I had a proper instructor I think you would have won!”

Gale held his hand out to her and she pushed it towards Wyll’s waiting hand, “I’ll get myself up in a moment. My shoulders are hurting.” When Wyll stood over her, he was gritting his teeth, “Sorry, Vesper…I didn’t think it would irritate your injury since it was your left shoulder.” A thought ran through her, they don’t know it's attached to her. She had told Shadowheart about the injury but not that the stitches were run through her skin. A relieved smile flitted over her features, “I’m fine, Wyll, I promise.” When the two men stepped away she rolled onto her hands and knees and stood, Astarion stood at the gate still watching them go, “You could have said you were a decent fighter. I wouldn’t have lost my gold to that little devil child.”

The bard was still grinning and she tilted her head, “Perhaps you’ll learn not to place bets when you don’t have all the information.” She was still a bit breathless and leaned against the unstable fence. A wet rag was laid over her head and she looked up as she lifted her hand to put over it, “You’re a mess,” Astarion said to her before holding out his hand, he had more berries in the palm of his hand, “Halsin took Karlach and I hunting earlier. Showed us a couple of places that were good for hiding, I found these. You seemed to like them.” She looked up at him and smiled softly before taking a couple from his hand, “Thank you, Astarion. That was kind of you,” her head was tilted. While she popped the washed berries into her mouth she felt Astarion quickly grab her right hand, the one she’d just finished holding a rapier with. Unwrapping the day-old bandage he turned it over and pulled at her thumb.

Oh.

His kindness was guilt. She let him turn her hand over before he dropped it and cleared his throat, “I just want to…thank you,” he said softly even though they were standing alone there were still people walking about the area. She stepped closer and he dropped his chin a little until she was just a hair's breadth away from his shoulder, “In two hundred years, I’ve only ever fed on beasts…drinking the blood of thinking creatures is a different thing entirely.” She looked up at him before reaching for another berry still held in his hands, he lifted his palm and held it open for her, “I have to admit…you were my first.” Vesper choked and Astarion turned quickly, his nose wrinkling at the sound of her coughing. “Get a hold of yourself, Vesper, really,” he huffed as she grabbed for the canteen that Mol had left behind and drank trying to clear her throat.

“First?” she said as she lowered the canteen, her voice was hoarse from choking and he nodded, “Not so loud, but…yes.” He began to explain a little bit of his past, how he’d been turned after being attacked by a group of Gur by a man named Cazador Szarr. She could tell he was amused by the fact the name was foreign to her. At some point the two began walking, not to anywhere in particular but she noticed he’d get cagey as people would pause near them to rummage through crates or would simply walk by. They ended up in the place where she had met Alfira for the first time.

“About yesterday,” Astarion said as she settled on the ground next to the stool he had quickly seated himself on. Vesper was looking out over the grove and she turned her head, “Hmm?” Astarion looked from her to past her, “You didn’t want to take that ‘penance’ did you?” There was a piece of Vesper that told herself to come clean, that she only did it to please him because he told her that she had better not say no. But another piece…the piece of her that still had dreams of hornets, that still cried when she saw little female toddlers, that piece and wondered if the man’s technique would work. The bard pulled her knees to her chest and she lay her cheek against them, “Well…yes and no. He wasn’t wrong, I have things I blame myself for…things that blame was laid at my feet for. However, I don’t enjoy being in pain,” she grimaced, “at all, but I wondered if it would work. If it would make the guilt stop.”

She looked up into red eyes that were staring down at her, “Did it work?” he asked, his head slightly lifted. Vesper swallowed hard before she shook her head, “No…it just hurt. It didn’t take anything away.”

His eyes turned away again and they found a companionable silence. The wind blew in and she adjusted her seat on the ground, “It won’t be safe for you to go hunting tonight,” she said and lifted her head to him, “if you wanted to feed on me tonight you can.” His head quickly turned and he regarded her with surprise, a laugh left him and he shook his head, “You’re sweet to offer,” his eyes fell to her throat, to the collar peeking out under her armor, “we won’t get any privacy here though. The druids would grow a tree just to have a stake to ram through my ribs.” The bard winced at the thought, “What if we went to the beach? Where we saved Mirkon?”

“Who?”

“The boy with the harpies!”

“Oh!” Astarion thought for a moment and nodded, “That could work. Are you not scared to be alone with me the night before a big battle?” Vesper laughed and shook her head, “If you wanted me dead you could have drained me in the underdark and told the others you couldn’t get to me in time. You could have killed me before Gale found us and said I died and you were bringing me back out of a sense of guilt. I trust you, Astarion.”

There was a smile on his face as he looked down at her before he tilted his head and looked away, “Very well, then after all the others prepare for bed I will come for you and we shall have a moment alone.” He looked towards the sea before standing, “If your stomach growls one more time I’m going to kill the bear down there. Let's find you something more than berries for lunch.”

Karlach and Wyll shared the afternoon with the rest of the companions. They were up on the wall telling each member of the party where they would be standing, it was a simple plan. A feather fall spell to get Astarion and Karlach onto the ground safely so they could be in melee range while any spell caster stayed far enough from the edge that if Minthara and the goblins tried to knock them off the wall they would be safe. They set their smoke powder satchels along the wall to be used by anyone who could grab them, Gale confidently telling them he would be able to cast Fireball at least once during the fight.

The tiefling volunteered for watch duty the night on the wall, Shadowheart agreed to join her while the others rested. As the evening progressed, Vesper watched the older druids usher the children, both druid and tiefling alike, into the inner part of the grove and smile. Kagha, for all her griping and bellyaching, was even helping–though the bard wasn’t sure how much she could be trusted. Twice she caught the redheaded druid and Master Halsin yelling at each other, the venom they spat at each other made her pause both times until someone came round and roused her from her fear-stricken place on the ground. The last time it had been just before everyone was bedding down, tension was still high and rising as dawn crept closer and closer, and as she tried to leave the inner sanctum of the grove to make her way down to the waterway, she came face to face with Kagha and Halsin’s argument.

The First Druid had his back to Vesper as his voice raised, and the bard tried to skirt around him, “To think, one of our own, a member of our circle has less of a heart than a drow!” The statement made her pause and she looked up at his face, Kagha, seeing the smaller elf behind the first druid laughed, “Her? A drow?! If she were, she would have agreed, outsiders have no place in this sacred grove, perhaps you don’t either, Halsin! You have invited a war party to our gates at the behest of these interlopers!” Why were they including her in their argument? Why do this just before everyone needs to rest? Vesper’s teeth found purchase on the inside of her cheek as she ducked her head and tried to move around them, “Oh no, little ‘drow,’” she heard Kagha say, she drug the term out as she said it, “don’t you try and sneak away. You hold so little thought for those who live here that you would put our lives in danger. For a bunch of foul-blooded–”

“That is enough!” Halsin was practically roaring as he stepped up to Kagha, she did stop speaking though, “I am still First Druid, Kagha, you are no more but a novice anew.” The wood elf’s voice lowered once Kagha backed down, her chin was still raised, but her eyes lowered to the ground, “I made the choice to bring the fight to our gate because I believe that we are strong enough with the Oak Father’s blessings to fight back a singular leader and her savage little goblins. If you think so little of your own circle perhaps it is time we find you a new home…and that goes for any who wish to join you.”

Vesper looked up and saw several of the other druids were watching the argument go down. She hadn’t noticed the audience before, among those standing she saw Gale and caught the wizard's eye. He must have read her plea for help on her face, perhaps their tadpoles connected once more, he was walking forward and around the druids until he put a hand on the small of her back and began to lead her away from the confrontation.

“Ignore her, Halsin’s right he agreed to the plan–even if he wasn’t the one to come up with it,” Gale whispered to the bard as they walked away from the inner sanctum’s door. He led her back to the area they had been given to rest in, “It’s a good plan,” he said as he waited for her to take a seat on one of the stone benches before settling beside her, “no matter how many people that Minthara enlists in her efforts, it is unlikely that we will be outnumbered here. Zevlor is, of course, within his right to have his worries. The people he leads are not fighters by any means, but they have heart and hope, and if you really think about it, what do we have other than those exact same things?” Vesper lifted her eyes from the ground to Gale before bumping her shoulder against his and softly saying, “Thank you. Your friends in Waterdeep are probably bereft without your words of wisdom…”

The wizard chuckled and shook his head, “Oh I doubt that, not my words of wisdom…but the friends portion of your statement. I–” he looked from her to their surroundings, “my condition led me to break away from most companionship. Left me with only my tressym, Tara, I didn’t have much beyond her once I sealed myself in my tower. You and our new companions are the first people I’ve spent an extended amount of time within the past year…” Vesper sat up straighter and reached into her pocket pulling out the ring that she’d carried for days now, “Here…your condition, it’s been a couple of days.” Her hand was held out and the ring kept in her palm, Gale looked at it and smiled fondly, “I’m not yet in need of a magical item, but,” he placed his hand over hers for just a lingering moment before picking up the ring, “Thank you for thinking of me.”

“You must have been lonely, with only Tara,” Vesper said after a few moments. She could understand being isolated, for two years she’d been left alone unless Issac wanted her to ‘entertain’ people. Then she had her babies and wasn’t alone for four years, of course, the moment that Carwyn could walk and talk Issac began to turn their son against her and she was alone again. Gale nodded, “I had colleagues from the academy and correspondence with others from long far away, but it wasn’t terrible. I must say it’s the cleanest my tower has ever been…” he was joking, his gaze shifted back to the bard and she gave him a smile even if she didn’t join in his soft laugh. “I do hope, though,” his tone became more serious as he shifted toward the bard, “that I can call you a friend…if not now then perhaps in the near–” “Of course you can call me a friend,” Vesper blurted out quickly catching Gale off guard and his face relaxed, “you’ve been nothing but kind and patient…and given that I know Shadowheart told you of my injury and you’ve not said anything…”

He nodded a smile still on his lips, “We all have our issues, our own demons to face. If I knew of a way to help, with your injury, I would have suggested it the moment I found you and Astarion in that temple. Even with my medicinal studies lacking as they are…” he trailed off and dropped his gaze. Vesper shrugged her good shoulder, “I’m used to it. Really, none of you have to worry about my broken bone. It might be the worst injury I’ve suffered but,” she paused as she considered her words, “I survived it.” Gale inhaled deeply and turned his head to regard the bard, “And you spoke so highly of my own words of wisdom. I think I might be a touch inspired by that ‘I Survived’ bit. Would you care if I stole that one day?” Vesper shook her head, “By all means, you may have it,” she replied with a grin. Looking at the grove she realized Halsin and Kagha had separated now, neither was in her line of sight and others were putting out the torches and extinguishing fires.

It was agreed that everyone would be up before sunrise for their final preparations and to get into position. Gale too took notice of those around them and patted the bard’s hand as it now rested on the bench, “I think that’s our signal to go to bed. I know elves don’t need to rest as much as the rest of us but try not to stay up too late. Sunrise will be here before anyone is ready.” He stood and stretched before walking toward his bedroll, Vesper watched him go, watched as he lay down, and pulled his spell book from his bag to begin studying. She wondered for a moment if that was how he fell asleep every night, reading from a book.

The bard rolled her neck from one side to the next, stretching her own limbs before standing and leaving the circle to walk down to where they had defeated the harpies. It was pitch dark down here, only the glow from the waxing–or was it waning–moon providing a dim white light to guide her dark vision. It was earlier than either she or Astarion had agreed to meet but down here was a near perfect spot to practice meditating.

The sounds of the river made for a beautiful and peaceful background as she settled on one of the red rocks where they had saved Mirkon. The bodies of the harpies had been washed away in the weeks since she was last down here, or perhaps some grove member had found the bodies and laid them to rest. Either way, it was quiet and peaceful as she crossed her legs and placed her hands on her lap. Closing her eyes she tried to shut out her thoughts, her fears for tomorrow, her fears of life before the tadpole…tried to shut out her fear of the tadpole and what it could do.

Going back as far as she could in her memories she could hear her older sister, Ariane, giving instructions on her first time trying to meditate.

“In through your nose, out through your mouth, just like that Birdie…focus on your breathing. Fill your belly with each breath in.”

Back then she’d been told to push Ari’s hand with each breath in, now Vesper placed one of her own hands against her belly and focused on the movements.

“Think of each part of your body, wiggle a toe, twitch your foot, it’s alright. Our bodies are meant to move, you won’t be in trouble if it moves on its own. Accept it and move on…”

Her left shoulder twitched causing her to remember the instruction, she winced and tried to remember if she’d been told how to deal with pain.

“Breathe through it, I know it hurts, Birdie. Meditation can be healing just breathe. We know the pain is there, we won’t ignore it but we’re going to breathe…in as it throbs, out as it passes.”

Right. Right, she could do that too.

“Silly Songbird, you have to empty your head of thoughts. Think it. Accept it. Move on.”

Think, accept, and move on.

Blank her mind.

Vesper focused on her hand again, breathing in through her nose and out from her mouth. Eventually, even the sound of the water faded, there was peace in the silence she found. More peace than she’d been afforded in years, she could have gotten lost in it if it wasn’t for the hand that was now shaking her arm, “Vesper?” The bard inhaled sharply and tried to push away but the hand holding onto her held tight, “Whoa! It’s me, it’s Astarion…” his hold on her arm fell to her wrist as she tried to push away from him. He held onto her tightly as she turned and looked to her other side, if he let go she was going to fall into the water. Shakily she exhaled and followed the tug he gave until she was sitting up straight again, “I’m–”

“Don’t apologize,” he said softly before climbing up to sit beside her. “I wasn’t aware just saying hello would frighten you so badly,” his head tilted as he regarded her. She avoided his gaze and looked out to the river before lifting her arm toward him. “I was thinking,” he said as he adjusted his position next to her, “I could remove that collar–ah, don’t interrupt. I could remove this collar,” his finger edged along the top of her armor near her throat, “and bite here. Not that your hands and arms aren’t absolutely delightful, but they are rather…” he clasped a hand around her wrist, his fingers easily wrapping around it, “thin–fragile.”

“It can’t come off,” she said without looking at him. “Just a tug and I’m in pain. These far ends–,” her free hand came up to touch her opposite shoulder, “they used to be attached as well but the stitches broke. I–” she inhaled shakily and shook her head before looking at Astarion, “Please don’t ask me to…” If he asked she’d give in. If he made this something he really wanted she’d bite through the pain. Thankfully, Astarion nodded and reached for the clasp on her padded armor, “Sleeve off then, my only other offer would be your thigh but I don’t think even we are that close yet,” he was trying to lighten the mood as she pulled off one side of her armor.

A shiver ran through her at the thought though, none of the men had wanted to have their heads near her thighs. She knew that even now the skin there was pecked with yellowing marks, finger gouges from the last time she’d had to ‘pay’ a debt for Issac. She heard Astarion talking to himself, or at least she thought it was to himself, she heard words like ‘eat’ and ‘iron’ but her thoughts kept flitting back to the past. Vesper felt an arm slide around her back and stiffened before turning to look at Astarion who was leaning down, his nose resting against her shoulder, “We have an audience…let them think it’s a midnight tryst.” She lifted her head and turned half her body to see a figure at the top of the path before they turned and walked away, “They’re gone…”

Astarion lifted his head and looked in the same direction before lifting her hand in his grasp, “These tight quarters leave me little time to savor the taste, we had better make this quick then. Tell me about yourself, little bard, perhaps if we get another voyeur they’ll just think I’m buttering you up.” He flashed her a smile that glowed in the moonlight before he turned her hand placing her palm against his cheek and turning his head to bite into the awkward angle of her forearm.

His willing prey let out only the smallest of sounds and pursed her lips before she spoke, “Well…I’m one of fifteen children,” she heard what she thought was a sound of surprise, “My mother was a rather unusual elf. Multiple children within years of each other and multiples for some pregnancy, myself included. We were poor so as soon as we could, we were all put to work.” Vesper felt Astarion’s hand creep up her back into her hair and the pressure made her head move until she felt the knock of his skull against hers. It was hard to focus on what he was doing at this angle, rather than try and keep watching she turned to look out to the water again and felt as his hand descended once more.

Unlike the night before he was slower as he drank, his hand that held her arm in place massaged the muscle trying to get more blood flow.

“Most of us have a talent in the arts of some kind, all of us have a talent for petty crime,” she giggled to herself, “my twin and I compliment each other rather nicely. I would paint landscapes and he would do people’s portraits within the landscape. We made two hundred gold once off of just one painting.” He did make a responding sound this time, but she was unsure if that ‘Hnng’ was from being impressed or if he thought her adorable for finding two hundred gold to be a lot.

“As far as I knew only two of us,” she glanced at him as he was lowering her arm, a finger chasing a line of blood that rolled down her forearm, “had any magic at all. Ariane was born with scales and could do little light shows…and Valere had a lot of the same spells I do now actually.” When she made to sit up, wanting to put distance between herself and the vampire her head swam and she felt him press her back into place, her head now against his shoulder, “Give it a moment…I think our voyeur became an animal. Something’s been sniffing behind us for a minute now.” When she made to turn Astarion held fast and shook his head, “So you have a scaly sister and a bardic brother. Nothing from the others?”

She looked up at his jaw before answering, “Not that I know of. My oldest brother used to say that one of our siblings had some sort of power but I never believed him. The one he was talking about was crafty and–” she paused for a moment before continuing, “she didn’t have power. I just couldn’t believe it.”

The wind blew in, again off the water's surface and the bard shivered again. “How did you end up with this,” she felt his finger flick across the leather collar and looked up at him again, “I told you,” she said, “it’s an–”

Astarion sighed, “Hiding an injury I know. I meant how did you get the injury?”

“Oh,” Vesper considered telling him for a moment and took a chance to sit up and push away from the too-intimate embrace. The vampire didn’t stop her, “I refused a man’s advances and he didn’t like that. He bore down as he was on me and it…snapped,” she could feel it as if it happened again and lifted her right hand to cover her left clavicle. She expected a cruel laugh or some sort of tease but when she turned her eye to Astarion his face was blank, he too was looking toward the water, “I–” he started before adjusting his sitting position, “I too have had rough partners in the past. Cazador used to send me to find the prettiest souls in Baldur’s Gate, those that wouldn’t be missed of course. I was to seduce them, lure them back in, and hand them over. Unlike you though, I could heal myself rapidly, something that I no longer have thanks to our wriggly little stowaway.”

His eyes turned and caught her looking at him before she could look away. The silence between them was awkward for a moment before he straightened his back and turned again toward the water, his leg coming from behind her and he was finally not touching her.

“He made you bring people back for him?” her voice was quiet, aware of the possibility of one of the druids listening. He nodded, “If he was pleased with who I brought he would invite me to dine with him. If I agreed he would serve me a dead putrid rat…if I declined he would have me flayed. Hard to know which was worse when it was time to make the decision.” The bard grimaced and she heard a soft chuckle, “I’m not trying to say what I went through is worse, but rather…I can understand clinging to something that you feel protects your scars.” He looked down at his simple cotton shirt and then back up to her, “My doublet is still in my tent…after I dug my way out of my grave it was the last thing I was ever given. I even had to earn the needle and thread needed to repair it.”

She nodded, “Then consider it preserved. Saved to not have to be repaired anymore,” her voice was still soft but it held a little more confidence than before. “I have a similar–had a similar outfit. It’s long gone by now I’m sure. It was the last thing I had of my sister’s before I was given to Issac.” Astarion lifted his chin and she turned to look at him while his eyes darted around, “Come,” he turned and slid off the rock waiting for her to slide off as well. When she fell into step beside him, he crossed his arms, “Who is Issac?”

“Husband, bastard,” her worst nightmare if she were to be honest. Astarion paused in his step before clearing his throat, “I heard Wyll call you a mother before but I hadn’t realized you were married.” She nodded, “My eldest brother lost a card game and had thrown me into the betting pool, Issac told me that I was to be his wife and carried me away one night. I never saw my family again.”

They were nearing the entrance to the center of the grove by this point, in the distance she could see those keeping watch as they walked over the gate and the surrounding areas. “Do you think we can do it?” she asked the man who had also paused next to her, he was following her line of sight before looking back to her, “Well…if it looks like we’re going to die you’ll know my opinion. I’ll be yelling at that drow it was all your idea and ‘Praise the Absolute,’” he said while her jaw dropped before he laughed and placed a hand to his chest, “If I didn’t think we had a chance I would have already been following those goblins. I don’t believe it will be easy, we will probably see some die, might even lose Gale, but…” his answer lingered between them before he made a noncommittal noise and walked toward their bedrolls.

Vesper knew that they weren’t close but she had assumed that perhaps he thought her a little more valuable than to just throw away if the tides of war shifted out of their favor. If that was the case then maybe she wasn’t as safe with him as she first believed she would be. Food was replaceable, she needed to be something more than just a mobile blood source if she wanted his fangs to protect her. Or maybe, she looked at the others as she approached them, no. No Vesper couldn’t do that to Gale or Wyll, Wyll was trying to help her set up her own defenses and Gale, though he had come to her rescue, would most likely be laughed at if Issac were to pop up somewhere to reclaim her. She had little doubt about the wizard’s magical prowess but she’d seen how difficult it was for him to move overloaded crates.

While she laid down and once again tried to meditate her thoughts shifted to either Karlach or Shadowheart. Vesper didn’t know what it was that either woman wanted but maybe it would be easier to get them on her side. Never had Issac shown fear to women, but Karlach was truly a sight to behold. Her last thought as she fell to sleep, not into an easy meditation, was of Karlach burying that great axe of hers into Issac’s head. Despite the blood and viscera, it was a pleasant image.

─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

They were alive.

They were bleeding but alive.

Vesper lay on the ground her chest heaving with each breath she took, but it was easier to lay on the ground and try to breathe than fight through the clouds of gray smoke, her arms were stretched on either side of her and she felt fingers and claws against the tips of her own fingers, the contact made the bard turn her head and she saw Lia lying just an arm's length away with blood running down the side of her face. Rolan and his siblings had stayed because of her convincing, they fought because she asked them to stay, and she didn’t want anyone to be lost. Rolling onto her knees the bard crawled until she could put a hand on Lia’s face and she muttered the incantation to cure the tiefling’s wounds.

The once clear morning began to darken, and both bard and tiefling looked up to the sky, clouds were gathering before the skies opened and rain began to pour. No one ran, for a moment it seemed like everyone paused in their hurry to heal or to get beyond the gate. Halsin and another druid stood on either side of the bridge she was kneeling on, both had their hands in the air and she noticed how the rain clouds would move when they either adjusted their stance or directed their arms. They were pushing the clouds to the fires that had been started by the wine barrels and the smoke powder bombs, the rain washed away the grease from in front of the gate, it even provided easement to those who opened their mouths to clear their throat of the smokey environments.

Vesper looked away from those around her to help Lia sit up and then stood with the other woman as they began to look around. Thunder rolled as the moving clouds passed one another and Vesper began to look for her companions. From atop the gate, she first saw Astarion as he stood over Minthara, pulling items from her pockets and even removing her armor. The druids who could wildshape had hidden among the flora surrounding the area and ambushed Minthara’s army from behind, making a perfect distraction while those above the gate through the smoke powder bombs and waited. Surprisingly many of the close combat tieflings had been with the rogue and the barbarian as the fight began, they had each followed behind as the two jumped from the top of the wall and into the fray.

Astarion had exposed himself as a vampire when he managed to get behind Minthara and drain her for the last of her life, even with the rain falling on him, she could make out the staining blood on his chin. From her left, Vesper heard her name being called and went running, Gale had been caught by one of the explosions and was resting against a boulder with Wyll hovering over him offering healing potion after healing potion, “The bleeding has stemmed but he’s still having difficulty bleeding,” the Blade told her and Vesper nodded concentrating her healing magic to the wizard’s chest. She had managed to use little more than cantrips and her crossbow during the fight, pecking at the goblins from a distance or becoming a distraction when one of their heavy hitters tried to attack someone on their side.

Gale opened his mouth to speak but began coughing, “Relax, Gale, you just keep healing. I’m going to find Shadowheart, hopefully, she’ll have some restorative spell prepared just in case.” Wyll clapped a hand against Vesper’s back as he stood and raced off for the far end of the small battlefield. The skies were darkening even more and she worried she’d have to guide Gale to the druid’s sanctum in the dark before a light began to dance around her, and then another, there were more people coming to help. A druid dropped to one knee beside them and waved her hands off as they began asking Gale questions, when Gale coughed again instead of answering the druid nodded, “We’ll take him inside and have Nettie take a look. The summoned storm is taking a mind of its own, best help the others in if you can, Miss.” She nodded to the dark skinned man and ran down the hill and across the smaller wooden bridge. The Gate to the grove was held open now as the injured the uninjured combatants were being carried through.

She waited for two stretchers to pass before running out the gate and nearly slipping in the mud into Karlach, “Whoa, soldier! There’s some more this way but I can’t grab’em without hurting them. I was on my way to get Halsin, Astarion’s getting ready to drop them a rope.” A voice behind the bard has them both looking up or turning toward the archdruid, “I am here, show me where I’m needed.” They ended up tying the rope around a wildshaped Halsin who dug his paws into the dirt as he walked away from the cliffside where two allies had fallen during the fight. Karlach and Vesper weren’t much help, one because of her injury and the other was worried she’d set fire to the rope rather than be of any actual help. Others came, druids wildshaping into strong animals to help pull and tieflings running to grab onto those that had fallen over.

Once everyone was safely back inside the walls of the grove she heard a chanting from above and turned to look at the First Druid. “In the event we did not kill all the goblins,” he explained as he pushed his hair from his face, “the illusion should make it look as though the grove was never here. I’m sorry to say you are all our hostages for the next night cycle.”

She would have been worried if it wasn’t for the playful smile on his lips. At least, she thought it was playful…it was a smile at least.

Karlach laughed, “I don’t think you’ll hear many complaints out of us…maybe out of Astarion since he can’t be in his tent though.” The rogue huffed but even he was still taking refuge from the rain under the man made wooden bridge, “Far be it from me to enjoy my own creature comforts.” Karlach grinned wider, “Yeah…creature alright. You owe me a story about them fangs now, friend. C’mon you two, I haven’t seen the others since I jumped from the wall.” Vesper’s eyes grew wide, “Gale! He got caught in a blast and is having trouble breathing!” She was running as she yelled, her feet slipping twice once on the run up the hill into the safety of the stone ceiling and then again as she slipped and slid down bumping over the steps into the main circle.

“Careful girl!” she heard a voice and looked up to Jeorna, the druid that had barred them from entry to begin with. Now the woman had a smile on her face, “These stone floors can be mighty unforgiving during a rain storm.” The druid offered her hand, but Vesper stood up on her own, “Thank you…I’m just worried. My friend,” she didn’t get to finish the thought as Jeorna pointed toward the sanctum doors. “Everyone’s gone inside or is getting in there. Injured are in the innermost part, don’t mind the drow.” Vesper thanked the druid and jogged for the stone door, she could hear the healers yelling and even the tieflings were quick on their feet. As she walked in she called out for her wizarding companion but the din was so loud she could barely hear herself. Thunder cracked as the door opened again and she felt a wet hand touch her elbow, “Where is he?” it was Shadowheart’s voice as she scanned the crowd.

Much of their late morning and afternoon was chaos. They would find Gale and lose Karlach or Wyll, find one of the others, and lose Gale. Things were only just beginning to calm down when she realized that Astarion hadn’t been seen or mentioned the entire time. Shadowheart had finally been able to get all of the tadpole'd companions into the same area, Gale resting on a stone bed while Karlach and Wyll sat together on another one. “Where did Astarion go?” she asked the group and they all looked at her before Shadowheart began looking around, “I’m not certain but then again I’m also not certain this is even an area that a vampire should be with all the blood spilling.” Gale nodded in agreement while Wyll looked troubled, “I had thought it was possible, his pallor and those scars he thought he was hiding on his neck…I just didn’t want to believe it.” Vesper looked at Wyll, remembering he was a monster hunter at that moment and fear struck through her, “He was ready to tell all of you. But with everything happening so quickly he hadn’t been able to yet.” Karlach’s eyes narrowed as she tilted her head in thought, “You knew, Ves?” The bard gave her a nod, “He asked if he could have some of my blood once we landed in the underdark.”

Gale sat up quickly, “And you agreed? He could have killed you!” He gripped his head before falling back as carefully as he could and continued, “I realize that he didn’t, of course, but you must have known the danger you put yourself in by agreeing to his request.” Vesper’s chin dropped and she nodded. There was something about Gale’s lecturing tone that reminded her of her older brothers at times. Wyll was watching her too, “Your hand?” Vesper looked up and was quick to lie, “No! No, I hurt it during my fall. I know how dangerous it could have been but I trust him. He could have killed me and said he didn’t reach me in time. He could have not jumped after me at all…” Wyll nodded in agreement as he considered her words and stood, “No,” said Shadowheart, “you took a goblin arrow to your side. The antidote needs time to work. Karlach has a concussion and I’m tapped of magic. Vesper…go find the vampire, make sure he isn’t causing problems. He drank a lot of that drow woman’s blood.”

As Shadowheart grew silent she winced and covered her wounded hand with the other, “Go on.” Vesper nodded and left the sanctum. She found Astarion near Zevlor’s commandeered office, where those human mercenaries had been before they left. He was alone, sat in the corner, and as she neared he just watched her. “Are you okay? I can still heal you if you,” he held up a hand that was bloodied and Vesper rushed forward dropping to kneel beside him, “You didn’t say anything!” Her hands hovered over the wound and he gave a tense chuckle, “I thought perhaps killing the drow would have stemmed the bleeding. But pulling those people up from the cliff's edge…it reopened. This is what I get for trying to be a hero,” he winced as she deftly untied the side of his leather armor and unbuckled the belt so she could get closer to the wound. “I left all my potions in the inner sanctum,” she said to him as her hands touched against his skin. For a moment she felt him jerk away before he relaxed. She had expected his skin to be cold but perhaps for once she was colder than him considering the slight warmth she could feel in his skin.

“Vesper,” he strained to say and she lifted her head to look up at him, his chin jerked behind them, Halsin was nearing their corner. Potions in his hands, “The others are worried about having a cursed man in our circle,” he set the tray of potions on the table in front of Astarion and sat down, “you’ve been doing quite a lot of healing, Vesper, when you’re ready I can assist as well. Drink these, the green is for infection of the blood, the clear is an antidote to most poisons, and the red, of course, is a healing draft. I’m unsure if that woman was like her kin who regularly imbibed poisons.” Astarion leaned across the table and picked up the potions indicated by the druid and gave them a sniff before he drank them. Between what Halsin provided and Vesper’s spells, his side was magically stitching back together. When their eyes met she gave him a smile that was reciprocated with the smallest quirk of one side of his mouth before he reached to help her into a chair.

“Do you want us to leave?” she asked Halsin as she settled into a chair near Astarion. The rogue held the clear potion in his hand before turning it up and waiting for the druid’s answer, “I cannot be certain that you will be safe for the night. But after what you all have done I am loath to make you leave while your friends are still healing.” Vesper turned to eye Astarion before she looked back, her hands were off the table and in her lap, twisting as she spoke to this authority figure, “They didn’t know. They found out with the rest of you, I’m the one who hid it.” She looked at the blonde beside her again and tilted her head, “We could leave. Return to our camp so that everyone else was more comfortable.” Halsin looked between them, it didn’t seem like he was happy with the answer but stood and motioned for them to follow him. He led them through the makeshift jail area and leaped to a door in the back of the grove, “If what you wish to do is leave I can lead you through this area. You will need me to go with you through here at least, by my order the grove defenses won’t attack you. Do you wish to return to your camp?”

His question wasn’t asked toward Vesper but rather Astarion who held his side still as though it still ached. The vampire looked from the door to Halsin, then to Vesper beside him, “You should stay,” he told her but she shook her head. “It isn’t safe to travel alone and you still seem to be in pain…I won’t bother you in camp,” his jaw clenched as she answered him and he nodded, “I’d rather not sleep where people can bite my head off without trying. Let’s go then, Bear.” Halsin chuckled at the moniker but nodded and waved his hand over the door.

He led them through a dry path of the grove they hadn’t seen before. There was a dead halfling on the ground and three dead goblins each with hot scorch marks on them, “The defenses at work.” She heard Halsin mutter to them as he stepped over the bodies and led them up the stairs. He paused at statues waving his hand toward them and she saw the eyes stop their glow. Once at the door, he again muttered something under his breath and a hidden door opened, “Wait,” Astarion said and fished something out of his pocket.

“That Kagha has been speaking with someone, we hadn’t had a chance to get down there yet but you might want to send someone to have a look at this tree beyond the dock?” Astarion offered a folded letter he’d stolen from Kagha’s things during their first meeting. The others hadn’t approved of his methods but agreed they needed to check it out.

Halsin took the letter and read it briefly before he sighed heavily, “Thank you. Zevlor wanted to speak with you before you left, but I will direct him to one of your companions before they leave in the morning,” he gave them a solemn nod and looked out into the rain, “the creek will be a bit more rapid than normal so be careful. I don’t know where you make your camp but when this is all done I wish to speak with you again,” he looked at Vesper this time who nodded. “Tell the others to mark it on a map for you,” she said before looking at Astarion, “We should go before the storm becomes worse.”

Neither had a hood nor cloaks to cover themselves as they left. Over his shoulder, Astarion carried a bag that wasn’t his own or Vesper’s but she didn’t question where he’d gotten it. They jogged away from the grove and made for camp. Perhaps the storm had truly only been summoned from the druid’s powers because as the two left the grove’s area the rain was dying down until it eventually ended.

Once back in camp, they separated. Vesper let Astarion do whatever he needed to do while she found some rope and set to making a drying line. She took off her armor and threw it over the rope before stepping back and dropping to her bedroll. “Shouldn’t you dry your other clothes as well?” she turned and looked up to Astarion who was wearing his doublet and trousers again as he too walked up to the rope to hang his clothes up. “If I had any others I would…” she admitted as she looked at the fire and sighed. Astarion turned around with a cheeky smile, “You could run around in your underclothing…I wouldn’t tell the others.” He raised a brow and for once his teasing didn’t cause a pit in her stomach instead, she laughed and shook her head, “If I had any, maybe.”

“What?” Astarion lifted a brow and stepped closer. The drow was back on her hands and knees throwing wood onto the fire pit they used in camp, “I said if I had any. These pants are so tight I couldn’t really wear anything and well…” she sat up and held out her arms. The leather shirt she wore practically had no middle, it was held together with half a metal ring that could slip at any given time if it wasn’t so tightly bound, “so I just don’t wear any.”

She watched for the rogue’s reaction but he just looked her over before clearing his throat, “Surely we have something around here. I can’t imagine those are comfortable,” he disappeared and began rummaging through the camp. He was looking through everyone’s things but was coming up with little to nothing before he ran for the chest they kept in camp. Pulling things out he pulled a robe similar to what their wizarding companion wore and walked back to her, “Go, change. I won’t peek unless you ask for help.”

She held the robes aloft and laughed softly, “Alright then. I might as well try and bathe while I’m at it then. You stay on your side of the camp.” Astarion held his hands up, “I’m a complete innocent. I would never peek at a bathing woman.”

They had come across no soap but with rags and a bed linen she had found she was able to decently wash off the mud and wrap herself up before dressing in the robe that the rogue had found. Vesper set herself to get the mud and blood off her pants when she heard a throat clear, “I’m finished and decent,” she called out and heard Astarion come closer, “I managed to get a deer while you were splashing around. There’s no blood left so if you could clean it for yourself it shouldn’t be that messy.” He bent down to wash his hands in the water and looked up at the bard, “You didn’t have to speak up for me. You would have been warmer in the grove.”

“Maybe, but you didn’t leave me alone in the underdark…I won’t leave you alone now,” she said and gave him a soft smile before she scratched her nails over a difficult piece of mud.

In the distance, they heard thunder and both looked up to the sky, “You don’t have a tent,” commented Astarion before he looked at her. “I’ll steal Shadowheart’s while she’s gone. I’m sure she won’t mind.” He nodded and stood, “Hurry and make your food. What you don’t eat we’ll throw for the scavengers.” And he was gone, when she finished with her leather clothing she went to hang them up and found the rope missing. Astarion walked back into view and held out his hand, “I set it up in Scratch’s little cave. Less likely to be sopping wet by morning.”

After Astarion took her clothes from her, she found the deer just outside of camp and set to removing a portion of it for her meal. She’d cleaned game before and found ways of preserving it, but she had neither the time nor the means. She worked quickly, perhaps not as cleanly as she normally would, but she had cuts of meat to throw into the prepared pan that she’d found warming over the fire by the time she returned.

Her meal was eaten alone. Astarion disappeared again to dispose of the carcass after she had sat down to eat and as she was about halfway through the meal drops of rain began to fall into camp. Looking up she swore to herself and picked everything she had up.

She was just climbing into the cleric’s tent when the bottom of the clouds gave way and the heavy rain began. She could barely see the rest of the camp through the heavy raindrops and just hoped that Astarion had made it back to his tent in time.

Once she was finished eating there wasn’t much else for her to do. All of her alchemy ingredients were still in the grove, in fact, all of her things besides what she’d been carrying during the fight were. So she decided to practice again. Perhaps the sound of rain on the fabric of the tent wasn’t the same as a rushing river but it was still methodical on its own.

Vesper ran through her sister’s words again and found tranquility once more. This time there was no one to grab her, there was no one to surprise her. Just stillness and calm after the chaos of the morning.

─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

“I promised I’d be back,” the voice cut through the silence of her meditation and Vesper’s eyes flew open as she jerked upward into a seated position. She looked around, the purple skies, floating boulders, and there was the golden armored false abuser that she didn’t want to see anymore.

In this dream, nothing ached, she looked down at herself and saw the simple robes she had laid down to meditate in and sighed in relief. As she stood she watched his feet as the man turned, “Don’t worry,” he said, “I have everything under control. For now.” She hazarded a glance in his direction before quickly looking away again. He stepped toward her and the bard took a step away from him, “You haven’t been using the powers the tadpoles can give you. You think because you defeated three of the absolute’s leaders you don’t need them. You’re wrong,” he began to circle around her and Vesper turned with him. Whether it was the face he wore or the disapproving sound, even just the fact he was a man, she didn’t want him to stand behind her.

“But things haven’t gone as you expected,” he said as he stepped closer again, watching now as she backed away from him. “Does something about me displease you?” he asked as those hated brown eyes narrowed in unease. “You have my husband’s face…” she said and took a step back again, “you have the face of the man that scares me and yet you expect me to trust you for some reason.” The figure’s face fell as his chin dropped, “I saw this face in your dreams…I had no context for who he was–”

“You saw my nightmares. That man, that face, has only ever been a nightmare.”

“I want you to trust me…” he said as he stepped forward again, “show me a face you trust…” she wasn’t sure who. Perris popped into her mind then Vale, but so did Nelly and Ariane. “I don’t know,” she said as she swallowed hard. The figure bowed his head, “I will not look this way the next time you see me, I promise you. I had thought a familiar face would bring you ease, I was wrong.” He quit advancing on her and instead gave a wide berth as he began talking about her having the tadpole removed. Telling her that it was an impossible task to complete and that the magic surrounding the tadpole would prevent its removal.

“Until the source of the tadpole’s magic is destroyed, any attempt to remove it will kill you,” he said, he kept his back to her now but his head was turned so that he could see her from the corner of his eye. It made things difficult to judge whether or not he was being honest. “You’re lucky you haven’t attempted to have it removed,” she bristled at his words and wrapped one of her arms over herself gripping her elbow, “The parasites are merely a symptom of a greater sickness in Faerun.”

“I thought you said you would protect me,” she said suddenly and for a moment he turned but when she flinched at his facial expression he turned away again. “I can, from transforming into a mindflayer. But that isn’t all these parasites can do, they are vessels for control. Even that drow you and your companions killed was likely not of her own mind.” Guilt speared through her heart suddenly. Would that mean that if any of them broke away from this man's protection that they would be just like Minthara? That they would give in to Absolute’s control and be nothing but a thrall like that githyanki had first called her?

Cautiously Vesper stepped nearer to the armored dream visitor. He explained how the cult was spreading. It’s rank system and how by their own system she and her companions were at the top of the pecking order. “That’s why the goblins were so frightened,” she said as she looked out at the violet skies. They weren’t dark this time. “Yes, they recognized you as those within the leadership,” she could hear the smile without even looking. “However, when the order to transform is given, it will not be a matter of days–they will be mind flayers within an instant. Were in not for my protection, so would you,” this time her curiosity won over her fear and she turned to look at him. “How are you protecting me?” she asked.

“I have powers of my own, unique powers. But know that we are alike,” he stressed. “I have been trying to escape from this evil for a long time. Once, I almost succeeded. Now, through you,” he turned and gestured to her, “I’ve been given a new chance. You can go where I cannot. And I can protect you from that evil.”

He turned away again, pulling his hands behind his back. Perhaps she had been too hasty. By his own word he said he meant for his visage to bring comfort and now she couldn’t see a lie in his words.

There was a crashing sound in the distance and his attention turned, “Hells. They need me, I have to go.”

“Wait! Where do I go? How do I stop this sickness?”

“You must go to Moonrise Tower,” he said to her keeping his face away. “There you will find the truth of the Absolute and the solution to your parasitic problem. You have to embrace your potential, use the powers your parasite gives you to convince them you are one of them. And when you find the source of their magic, destroy it.”

─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

Just like before, Vesper awoke as her body jerked upward into a sitting position. She wasn’t thrown back this time, rather the light faded from that dream place and she left her meditation unsure of how long she was under for.

There were no more sounds of rain on the roof of Shadowheart’s tent. Opening the flaps she saw the darkened campgrounds and crawled from inside. She knew from her previous conversation with Shadowheart that it was likely that Astarion also had a dream visitor that night. As she stood she angled herself and made for his tent pausing outside, “Astarion?” Vesper called to him and waited but received no answer, bending down she pulled at the simple ties he used to close his tent and peeked in. Through the greyscale of her dark vision, she saw the rogue was still sleeping.

She started to back away when she heard a whine come from his throat and leaned forward again, “Astarion?”

“Get away fr–” he muttered and she watched his hand twitch at his side. It was dangerous to inch into his tent like she was doing. She could feel the goosebumps rising on the back of her arms as she reached forward, her hand hovering over him, “Leave me,” he muttered again and grunted in his sleep.

Vesper too had nightmares. She considered for a moment if Astarion would appreciate being woken from it but when another pained whine came from him, she couldn’t hold herself back, she reached forward and grabbed his shoulders, “Astarion.” Her voice was forceful as she called to him and then she shrieked as his eyes few open and one of his hands found her throat and he threw her to the ground.

He hovered over her, squeezing her windpipe tightly, “‘Starion, please!” she pleaded.

#the caged bard #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 fanfiction #bg3 #tcb: vesper #astarion/tav #astarion/halsin/tav coming late #r #halsin/tav later #astarion/halsin later #tav's story

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seesgood · 4 years ago

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can we very gently talk about call out posts / culture really quick? not in a judgmental way, but in like a: i just want to pose a thought and explain why i’m never going to buy into it and why i wish it would become less of a trend instead of more of one? and i’ll add the disclaimer here: i totally get not wanting certain people around you for various reasons, that is all your prerogative. that’s your comfort level. but in emphasizing “your blog should be a safe space” we’re kind’ve losing sight of the fact that the rpc should also be a safe space, and as much as your comfort and safety matter, so do other people’s. and not just the person who hurt you, but the third parties and other mutuals and 99.9% of people who are not at all involved in any way in whatever happened. so, anyway here goes, read it or don’t, we all have different opinions or reasons, i just want to be heard:

people are allowed to change. think back to who you were last year. two years ago. think about the stuff you said when you were seventeen, or twenty-one, or hell whatever age you were. current-you would probably cringe at the kind of stuff past-you had to say. because you grew. you learned. you had life experiences. in hindsight you have the freedom to be like “oof yeah that was not the best version of myself right there damn i don’t want to be like that again.” the growing trend of ‘here’s a 10+ page google doc complete with out of context screenshots that sometimes date back to like 2017 or earlier’ makes this kind of change impossible. because right there, you’ve just frozen a person in time, probably not at their best, removed any and all amounts of context, and put it on the internet and let other people judge it for themselves.

so that leads into another point that i want to just kinda present to the community at large: the act of documenting behaviors and storing them for months / years at a time, in itself creates a super unsafe environment, not just for you, your friends, the people who have hurt you --- but also for anyone else that isn’t at all involved in whatever happened. like, for example, i like to think that i’m a pretty nice person. i actively try to be a nice person. am i sometimes not having the best day? have people definitely caught me in bad moments? oh hell yeah. but am i, as someone who tries really hard to be nice and welcoming, constantly thinking through every message i send to someone knowing that a) i could have a reputation that makes them read into context that isn’t there and that could contribute to them misinterpreting words i meant in a different way, b) very aware that every post i make, ask i send, message i send can at any moment be screenshotted and posted and taken out of context and either serve as someone’s only opinion of me or pile on to someone’s existing opinion of me? yeah. so in my experience, and based on people i’ve talked to, we now have this thing where you can be surface-friends wtih a lot of people, but if you want to survive in the tumblr rpc you should really only have 2-3 people that you really trust that you can actually talk about shit with.

and lately i’ve been seeing a resurgence of posts on my dash about like “bring back xyz in the rpc” or “the reason the rpc is like this is because of xyz” and i both agree and disagree with a lot of this, but primarily i think the reason the rpc is Off lately is because everyone and their cousin has a DNI, which is --- again --- your decision and i understand and respect that, but while you know the context of every name on that DNI, other people don’t. and to be honest: other people don’t really care and honestly maybe they shouldn’t care. --- and don’t get me wrong, your friends should care if someone has hurt you. that’s important. but joe billy bob who just wants to write their character with yours is going to read through your rules, they’re going to see “do not interact with me if you follow with or interact with these people you’ve never heard of and if you want me to tell you why just message me” (which no one is ever going to do, i’m sorry to say). and say, joe billy bob also followed that other person because they were like ‘omg this blog looks cool’ --- now joe billy bob, who just wants to write cool plots, is suddenly the middle-man in some type of drama that they do not understand, and maybe they’re able to remove themselves from the situation, but even then it’s still in the back of your mind.

this is getting long. it’ll be longer, but let’s take a brief break for me to remind you that in some cases, it’s definitely good to give your mutuals and friends a heads up when someone has done something really, really bad. like, remember x amount of years ago when some dude was like ‘i’m gonna make up a new person and say they died by suicide as a social experiment’ or ‘hey this person actively tries to force very triggering plots about abuse / rape / incest onto people and has been doing so for years and does not seem to change their ways no matter how many people try to educate them’ that’s shit people should probably know about. and it’s also okay ( in my opinion ) for your friends to be able to message you like ‘hey i saw you’re writing with x and i just wanted to let you know i had this experience with them’ if that’s something they feel comfortable doing. and if they are comfortable with you still having the autonomy to make your own decision regarding the person.

i’ll be honest, for a second: i’ve been part of friendships and groups that have turned really toxic for one reason or another. a handful of times. there are probably people out there that are like “yeah this chick is really fake and manipulative and etc, i was friends with her back in 2019″ which, okay. yeah. i’ve definitely done shit and said shit that was not the most representative of who i want to be and who i want to become, and you probably have to. because we are human beings and we are a product of our social groups and the community around us. and you shouldn’t be chained to a version of you that isn’t you anymore. people change. they grow. you don’t have to like them, but you should respect that sometimes people don’t mesh, and that doesn’t mean any of them are bad people, it just means the experience was bad.

a few additional notes i would like to make but i’ve already gone on way too long:

90% of the callout posts that i’ve seen and the DNI’s that i’ve seen can, in my opinion, be classified as a friend group thing. you were friends with x, x did something, now y and z aren’t friends with x anymore. pain is a very, very real thing and people hurting you should never be minimized, but at some point i just want you to remember that not every friendship is going to end happily, but both you and the other party should be allowed to move on and grow better, healthier friendships after. rehashing Friend Group Gone Wrong instances removes that ability for not only person x, but also person y and z.

you putting out a callout says just as much ( maybe more ) about you than it does about the other person. which sucks. because i’d like to think we all have great intentions, and i’m not saying that you should swallow your pain, but it might not be the kind of thing that impacts the community at large, and maybe you should try to find a better way of working through it with a trusted friend(s)

i’m going to be very real and very blunt on this one: literally no one cares. i say that with love. i’m good friends with people who have each other on their DNI’s. establish a baseline of respect and ‘i’m not going to say anything to them about you and vice versa because there’s no need for me to do so’ and move on. but seriously. no one cares. most outside people read callout posts because they like being in the know about the drama, not because they actually care.

person a and person b who are mentioned in the DNI / callout aren’t the only ones who are going to be affected. your friends, your mutuals, your writing partners are now all put in a weird spot where you have to pick sides on an issue you know nothing about and shouldn’t have to know anything about. you’re asking people to choose sides on an issue they cannot fully understand, and that’s not fair to them or to you. and it drives great people away. and then we all lose out on having more awesome people in the rpc.

you’re entitled to your safe space, but this is a public platform and you are also responsible for maintaining your safe space. you shouldn’t put it entirely on other people to do that for you. you can block, blacklist, make up funny names for, or spitefully erase from your many anything and anyone that you wish. but you shouldn’t make your friends do it for you.

there’s always an inherent power imbalance when any kind of drama occurs between those who have more followers / friends / connections and those who do not. and the smaller blog is always going to suffer a little bit more because they don’t have people blindly coming to their defense.

bad moments, bad experiences, bad decisions DO NOT equal bad people.

allow people to make up their own mind about something or someone

anywho, if you read through this whole thing i think i owe you financial compensation. but also thank you for reading / listening / considering. even if you rolled your eyes through the whole thing like “stfu lia” that’s fine. i’m just presenting an alternative thought. i’d like to once again state: i’m not judging you if you’ve made a callout/DNI or if you’re on a callout/DNI. like i literally don’t care. and frankly, in my opinion, i shouldn’t have to. because i, and you, and your friends, and your mutuals, and your non-mutuals should be allowed the space to make up their own opinion and mind on something or someone without being told that there will be consequences if they don’t agree with you. set boundaries. communicate in healthy ways. you don’t have to forgive the people who have hurt or wronged you, but you also don’t get to decide that their actions make up 100% of who they are as a person, or decide that that is the only side of that person people should get to see.

#ʟᴇᴛ’s ᴛᴀʟᴋ ɢʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ʀᴜʟᴇs ⸺ psa.#/ long post cw.#when i say long i mean LONG #i could do an entire dissertation on this #i could do a ted talk #but ys know #if anyone wanted to do some ahem non-light reading this morning #*jazz hands*#( if you want to reblog this monstrosity you definitely can )

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tuber-culosis · 3 years ago

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I've been reading through a lot of radfem blogs and posts lately. and gotta say, i'm leaning a lot towards radical feminism. And im definitely gender critical.

but one topic I want to talk about in particular is the criticism of Islam.

Which I feel is totally valid considering the current state of mainstream islam and Muslims.

Mainstream Islam (is what you see on all social media, seemingly practised by a lot of Muslims) IS sexist. And homophobic. There's no use denying it, neither do I think I'm a bad Muslim for not supposedly defending my own religion. You have to recognise the flaws in your own system to improve and progress.

Then arises the question why am I still Muslim then/ why do I still practise Islam? If I recognise the way it is practised is sexist and homophobic, which are things I'm against?

The difference lies in my belief that "mainstream Islam" is much different from the root of Islam.

Many (read: a LOT, not all) modern Muslims have been influenced by ultra conservative movements that want to return Islam to the way they believe was practised during the time of the Prophet (pbuh), ie; some centuries back. This is propagated by the ideas of Salafism and Wahhabism that frankly, prevent progress, reform or any sort of growth in Muslim communities.

I personally have witnessed this in my own country, India, where women are increasingly wearing the hijab and even full body covering purdahs, not talking to the opposite gender, men not looking a woman other than their wives in the eye, etc compared to when my mother was a child, when almost all Muslim women dressed in normal comfortable clothes and there were no much gender segregations. (Gender segregation still existed to a certain degree due to conservative Indian culture ofc)

This radicalisation led to the development of ultra conservative Muslims who enforce sexist, homophobic and separatist policies in the name of God.

They claim to want to return to "true Islam" but they add so many unnecessary rules and regulations you have to follow in order to be a "true Muslim" that are almost so impossible to follow I can vouch I have unconciously broken like 50 of them in one day maybe. These "laws" are derived from:

1. The hadith

2. Arab culture

3. Poor translation of the Quran to fit these radical ideals.

Explaining each of these in a little more detail,

1. A lot of practising Muslims might come at me for this one, but I feel that considering the hadith to be a holy source of guidance and believing everything in the Hadith when there are so many contradictions and logical fallacies, is foolish.

For those who have no clue what the hadith is, Islam basically has the Qur'an, which is, as we believe, a holy book revealed by God to the Prophet (pbuh), which acts as divine guidance on how to live life as a good person. It has rules, suggestions, and guidance to take desicions on a lot of everyday matters we face. It was a godsend (hehe pun fully intended) to women, who weren't even allowed to own property back then. Muslims believe that the Quran is guaranteed againt corruption by God, as revealed in one of the verses. Therefore, to a believer, it is THE book to consult, and the verses will never change, no matter how many years pass. There's actually a really interesting way the Quran is coded, so people can know if it has been tampered with or not, if anyone is interested. But the bottom line is, for a Muslim, the verses of Quran cannot be challenged. There are various INTERPRETATIONS of said verses, but the core Arabic text is the same.

Now there is a secondary source of guidance in the form of Hadith, which is literature that claims to record things the Prophet (pbuh) has said in his lifetime. The problem I find, along with other hadith critics, is that it was compiled much later after the death of the Prophet. Muslims argue that these hadiths were passed down in a proper recorded chain of transmitters that can assure the message hasn't been altered or tampered with. The problem is, that the standard used then was just how reliable was a person's memory and how trustworthy they were, and they did not actually judge the actual content of the hadith. So even if a hadith hypothetically said "Kill all the disbelievers", (which, fyi, it does NOT) and it had a reliable chain of recorders, it would be accepted as "sahih" (trustworthy) hadith, even though it clearly goes against the guidelines of the Quran, where it says there shall be no compulsion in religion (which implies you cannot just murder anyone who refuses to believe/ believes another religion). If one actually examined the content of this imaginary hadith, it would be easy to see it's tampered with by people with or without malicious intent (for eg, it might've actually been "You can kill the disbelievers ONLY if they attack you and will not leave you and your family alone") or some may not even remotely be the words of the Prophet, as he only followed the Quran.

Also, the integrity of the Hadith isn't guaranteed by God anywhere in the Quran. To know more about this, I suggest you read this link , and this one.

So yeah, I take hadith with a (large) grain of salt. So I will not be including them in my discussion obviously.

Now a lot of these hadith have been fabricated, as established, or reflect something that was applicable specifically in that time and setting, seeing that the Prophet was an ordinary man who couldn't predict the future or know about all the different cultures of the world.

So even if the headscarf was a part of Arabian attire, that doesn't mean it has to be assimilated into our cultures now. Just because prostitutes used to pluck all their eyebrows out to signify that they are prostitutes (sex work is forbidden in Islam, because of the negative impact on women and society), doesn't mean that women are not allowed to pluck their eyebrows now.

Following these hadith blindly without considering for a moment that hey, these might be outdated, seeing it isn't meant for all time periods like the Quran, and half of these contradict themselves, maybe we shouldn't consider this as an authority on rules in Islam. Personally, I don't believe anything is forbidden that is mentioned as such solely in the Hadith, and not in the Quran.

But the staunch belief in all of these Hadith leads to micromanaging of women, and literally everyone else. Few ridiculous examples include:

women can't pluck their eyebrows

men can't wear silk or gold, and they need to grow beards

music and dance is forbidden (seriously???)

the Prophet married a literal child of nine years (no do not try to justify it as "it was acceptable back then". According to the Qur'an it wasn't. Girls had to be mature enough to reject or agree to marriages and literal children can't do that. There is plenty of research to prove that Aisha (ra), his wife, was at the very least 19 or 20. Again a case of unreliable and maybe purposefully manipulated Hadith. Scholars and people who uphold the theory that Aisha was 9, and hence, child marriage is legal are pedophiles through and through)

I feel that if anything, hadith should be considered with the authority of historical commentary, giving us more context to the times, and should never be blindly trusted just because a lot of scholars say it is a "sahih" (trusted) hadith.

Also a main feature of Islam is that you don't need an extra priest (no offence to religions who have priests) or a scholar to tell you things and intervene with God for you. You have a holy book, your own common sense and humanity, and you pray to establish a connection with God. Scholars are secondary OPINIONS who can provide insight from their knowledge and research to people who want it, but by no means any authority on things, just like hadith.

2. Arab culture and society, especially back the times that radicals want to emulate, was heavily patriarchal. Islam gave women rights and protection, but they were still limited by the cultural norms of that era.

What these people actually want is to return society to Arabic culture in that time period. (Exhibit A: the abaya/purdah for women and khandoorah for men. exhibit B: sex-segregated spaces)

Back then, women were expected to be caretakers and mothers, and men were expected to be the strong masculine protector.

Enforcing said cultural norms into modern day Islam is ridiculous. Saying that women rarely left the house back then, hence women shouldn't leave their houses now is the same as saying there weren't phones back then, so I shouldn't use one now. Would you ever give up your phones? So how about we do the same to women's autonomy and freedom? Adapt to modern times like regular humans?

If women were meant to stay at home, and meant to just rear children, and never meant to be seen in public, and never meant to be seen by the opposite sex, as extremists say "is God's will", then why is none of this found in the Quran? Do you seriously believe that God, describe multiple times as All-forgiving and generous and kind, would ever persecute women to such a fate? If you do believe that, then maybe you need to re-examine in the nature of God that you believe in. Also if you tell me the "it's for their safety" gimmick, I will flip out. It has been proved multiple times that a woman's dressing has nothing whatsoever to do with why men rape.

Sure, Islam advocates for modesty in dressing, for both sexes. Both are called to not stare rudely (many Muslim men seem to forget that part of the verse, strangely), both are advised to dress in modest, comfortable, clean and practical attire. Never once is anything remotely like "YOU'LL GO TO HELL IF YOU EXPOSE YOUR ELBOW, WOMAN". But the way modern Muslims enforce the dress code (some even going to the lengths of saying women shouldn't wear BRIGHT COLOURED CLOTHES, so as to not attract attention!!! I'm looking at you, Mufti Menk), you'd think that God says something much worse than that. Infact God pulls out Uno reverse, and encourages us to dress as beautifully as we want, especially when visiting the mosque.

3. A lot of English translations of the Quran come from Saudi Arabia. A country famous for its conservative practise of Islam. While the original Arabic text cannot be changed, a lot of these translations include information in parantheses that add "rules" based on the above mentioned factors, that a casual reader or a new Muslim who doesn't know Arabic will consider to be authentic rules of the Quran, extrapolated from the verse, and not extra additions that are often derived from hadith. A very good example of this is the headcover verse, which you can see in this link.

Even all the hostility surrounding homosexual people has been derived from cultural influences and one set of verses. From around 6000 verses, just a single set passingly mention homosexuality. Don't you think that if it truly were such a great sin, God would have explicitly forbidden it? Also why would he create such a natural variation in sexuality and then forbid it? Why isn't it forbidden for animals then? Is all-loving God that cruel to create this natural and healthy attraction in them and then explicitly forbid it when straight people get to marry and live life in bliss? (Please don't say that "God also created pedophilia, and that's natural, so by this logic shouldn't we allow that too?" because pedophilia IS NOT HEALTHY, AT ALL. IT'S IS A DISORDER. Unlike homosexuality) I'm also not picking and choosing things to fit my lifestyle, as some might say, as I am straight, and the only reason I support the LGBT community because I have basic humanity?? And they're humans who deserve rights and joy and freedom and acceptance just like the rest of us.

There have been reformed translations of Quran which examine the verse without prior bias against LGBT people, and they have presented an alternate translation, that the verse condemns sexual assault, which happened to be homosexual in the particular story. Check out this link too, which explains how closely examining the words used could change the meaning from one thing to another.

What I attempted to prove in this extremely long post is that the practise of a religion isn't necessarily the reflection of its true nature.

There are progressive open-minded people who believe in Islam because it gives them hope and solace. People who believe because core beliefs of Islam aligned with their own views and simple logic.

NOT to say there aren't religious bigots who will totally use religion to manipulate people into oppressing themselves or other people. There are, there are a LOT of people like that who call themselves "scholars". And there are a lot of people who follow these extremely harmful regressive version of Islam without critically thinking about what they are following.

I've seen a post discussing the meaning of the word Islam, which means submission to God. It said that it implies total submission, without questioning what we believe.

That is an argument used by both religious extremists to further their beliefs, and by the opposite side, who say the religion is oppressive.

I wish to present a view that Islam itself tells us to think critically, to use our brains to question everything and anything we believe. And then to arrive at our own conclusions. And if you're a decent, kind human, those beliefs maybe align with Islam (not saying that if you're not Muslim, you're horrible, that is not what I meant at all). And if the opinion between people differs, there's always logic and reasoning behind every rule that is presented in the Quran. Don't believe me? Here's the verse that tells people not to blindly follow their parents' religion. And here's a list of verses about critical thinking.

The reason we (atleast reformist Muslims) submit to God is because we questioned it, we came to the conclusion that Hey! This is right. I can submit to my Creator by, who is basically the consciousness that created everything and is the source of all goodness, love and strength, because the rules mentioned here make sense and they privde a moral framework for me to base important desicions on. They feel right. And there is logic behind everything written in this.

I don't mean to present Islam as an all-perfect amazing religion everyone should believe and that I'm right, everyone else, especially those liberal atheists who criticise my religion are wrong and WILL BURN IN HELL. I consider Islam a perfect moral framework, and that's my business only. Anyone can follow what they want and it's none of my business. In fact there is no compulsion in religion at all, and people who say Muslim or go to hell are wrong imo.

What I intended was to paint a picture of reformist Muslims who are still out there, who follow the religion because they questioned it. And not the religion as this stringent rule book we all have to follow down to a t, micromanaging every aspect of our lives and living in perpetual fear of hell, but rather this basic moral guide that teaches us tact, compassion and justice, to bring us closer to God spiritually. I wanted to show that the majority isn't always reflective of what I think is the true core of Islam.

I feel that many practises in the name of Islam are highly questionable and should be criticized, but I also want people to know that the people who seemingly represent the religion, are not representative of the entire mass of believers. That sometimes the practises you might criticize might have nothing to do with the actual religion, atleast according to some of us. It was also for fellow Muslims who might be in the same place I was a few years ago, questioning everything I had learnt was part of my religion.

This is also NOT to undermine struggles of people forced to follow Islam and its seeming requirements like hijab. This is not to claim that nope, every Muslim is fine and ok, and we're all peaceful progressive people. In fact I wish to do the exact opposite, to show that people who enforce oppressive policies in the name of Islam aren't actually backed by the religion and neither should they be backed by other Muslims. I'm also not trying to say no one should criticize Islam. Criticism helps us grow. Criticism is necessary to uncover oppression and eradicate it. So by all means, criticize.

I'm so glad I found the subreddit r/progressive_Islam when I did because it helped me a lot, and opened me to other like-minded progressive Muslims, who actively hope to counter the negative effects of Salafism and conservatism that is overtaking Islam.

So yeah, I think I covered almost everything I wanted to talk about and here's a final link that pretty much just states my position on things.

PS idk why this thingy is in different colours it just seemed cooler and less boring to read

#religion #islamicpost #radfem #gender critical #muslim #progressive #change #critical thinking #sexism #feminism #feminist #allies #humanity #extremism #womenempowerment #freewomen #headcovering #mine

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mojoflower · 4 years ago

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WHY is fanfiction not the appropriate venue for your political or social battle?

We can all agree, I posit, that there are changes that need to be made in the world (racism, for example; patriarchal inequalities; rape culture; capitalism; plug in your personal cause here).

We can all ALSO agree, I think, that the way culture, media, etc. portray things influences a consumer on an unconscious level.

We can agree that, in real life, certain things are clearly bad: abuse of others, non-consensual sex, systemic inequality, I can go on….

So. Let me feel my way through this. I, personally, feel like fanfiction (specifically on AO3, since that’s where I encounter it) is NOT an appropriate battleground for enforcing cultural change by:

Leaving comments about how someone’s work is (in your, the commenter’s, opinion) wrong, damaging, unfair, insensitive, etc.

Telling the writer they should change this or that.

Telling the writer they must add or delete tags.

Broadcasting your opinion of the writer’s egregiousness outside AO3 (twitter, for example, or here on tumblr).

Organizing a campaign of harassment against the author if they don’t change to suit your personal requirements.

First of all:

Be the change you want to see.

Fanfiction, unlike any other media out there, is INDIVIDUAL. It is one work, from one single person – voluntary and unpaid. You yourself are one single person. You can have as much influence as this writer. Write the works you want to read, instead of demanding that the writer change to suit you. This is how romance novels changed from non-con, non-condom-wearing, shudderingly unequal stories in the 70s and 80s to where they are now, for example. New people started writing stories, and eventually established authors started changing, too (or dwindled away).

Remember that you know nothing about the author.

You don’t know their culture, their skin color, their age, their gender. You don’t know their socioeconomic status or how much free time they have. You don’t know their current mental or physical conditions. You don’t know any of the things going on in their life. AND. You are not entitled to know these things. When you lash out at an author for not doing research, for not editing, for… anything at all… you cannot assume that they’re not fourteen, not suicidal, not a native speaker, not disabled such that writing a single paragraph is a tremendous effort. You don’t know they’re not in an abusive situation, or economic peril. You do not have the right to tell them to change. Whether you are asking them to change text, tone, tagging, ships, plot, you name it. Anything.

Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.

Don’t like, don’t read. These are simple concepts, and the tagging system on AO3 helps you to avoid many triggers. Simple common sense, once you're into a story that’s raising your hackles, will warn you away from the rest. If you say, ‘no, this person can’t write that, it’s contributing to pain in the Real World’ then you are functioning as a censor. I mean, at its most basic level, a censor is someone who strikes out passages in books or other media because it’s… immoral/bad/etc. The problem is that morality is incredibly tailored to the group you’re in, and also incredibly fluid, shifting over time. So… why do YOU get to be the censor and not the author? What makes YOU the final word? Seriously, think about it.

Fanfiction writers are the most vulnerable group you could target.

Which makes them easy prey, and possibly makes them the juiciest and most satisfying targets. Address your anger to Hollywood or Simon & Schuster or Congress – and your voice will doubtless get lost in the shuffle. Address it to an author on AO3 and you can deliver your blow personally, one on one, and witness the damage. There is no professional buffer between your resentment and their reaction.

Who are fanfiction writers? Overwhelmingly women, overwhelmingly queer, often very young and inexperienced. Wow. What a rewarding group to start slapping around. You wouldn't be the only one to think so. Seriously. Aim your anger at someone who is STRONGER than you. Not someone who is (likely) weaker than you. You’re kicking a kitten, while a lion lounges behind you.

Censoring someone’s thoughts is bad.

People should be allowed to THINK. And they can think whatever they want. Whether and where and how it should be expressed is another matter. AO3 is a safe place for whatever weird-ass thoughts you have. It is expressly written into their mission statement. AO3 was SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED so that authors could have a place for their dead dove fics.

So. Why is [your pet cause] okay on AO3 and not on a script in Hollywood?

AO3 requires membership before you can post anything, so it’s arguably private. AO3 provides tools for readers to avoid works they might find triggering. AO3 profits no one. Follow the money, and there are your true culprits. Not a housewife from Hoebokken.

Fanfiction writers make no money. When they write, they are not lawmakers, filmmakers, teachers or preachers. This is not their job. They do not have a responsibility to the community, because they are vested with no power and no paycheck. Please move your battlefield to one of these other venues. Your fight will be harder, but it will also do a lot more good than traumatizing some naive kid away from writing forever.

Fanfiction comprises an individual’s personal thoughts and personal works, written for their own enjoyment, shared only through AO3 to (presumably) like-minded readers. Fanfics are a person’s fantasies and daydreams. They might be an author’s therapeutic exercise. Or someone trying to explore something new, whether it be cultures, ideas, sexualities or kinks. Humans need a place where they can be wrong and make mistakes. Think about that, I implore you. If you are constantly pointing out someone’s errors, you may eventually either silence them forever, or instill in them permanent resentment. This does not further your cause.

You have your personal cause.

I’ve seen a lot of them. Incest is bad, you’re not allowed to write about it. Pedophilia is bad, you’re not allowed to write about it. Abusive relationships are bad, you’re not allowed to write about them. Racism is bad, you’re not allowed to write about it. Genderswap is transphobic, you’re not allowed to write about it. A/B/O romanticizes damaging gender inequalities. There are many. If every single one of you got to stamp out your personal crusade, then fic would be scant on the ground and many people wouldn’t try to create anymore. It’s stifling to creativity and terrifying to an author that they might slip up and be called out. No one, as far as I know, likes to think of their fanfiction as something that will be turned in for a grade.

Your standards are your own.

What are the precise parameters of an abusive relationship? Transphobia? Racism? Pedophilia? Fetishism? Where does dub-con become non-con? No one is the mouthpiece for the whole world. You are only the mouthpiece for yourself.

If you think to yourself that it’s not okay to tell someone they can’t write about, say, a gay relationship, but it IS okay to tell them they can’t write about a certain ship or dynamic (for Reasons), then maybe you should step back and check yourself and your entitlement to someone else’s endeavor.

In conclusion:

I’m not saying that racism doesn’t exist in fanfiction. Or creepy sexual abuse, or glorification of harmful dynamics. It certainly does. I’m not trying to play semantics with you.

But when you see these things, when they bother you... back right out.

That’s it. Just back out, ignore it and find a different fic. (Or better yet, write your own!) Shower the fics you approve of with love and comments about why you think they’re great. Give them kudos and bookmarks and shout-outs on your blog. Eventually, if your opinion is popular, authors who thought otherwise will realize that readership is looking for something different. They’ll change or they won’t, but the body of work will change over time, and THAT is what you’re looking to accomplish. Not to stamp out fanfiction altogether.

#mojo muses #fandom wank #censorship #social justice #fanfiction #fandom #I am not disputing the validity of your opinion on Thing #I am disputing your right to push it on a fic author #these are two separate things #cancel culture #antis

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jimmys-zeppelin · 3 years ago

Text

ghostin'

chapter fifteen

(table of contents)

(chapter fourteen)

june 26, 1976

"We're here today with Miss Ellie Saunders, singer and writer of the newest song going up in the pop charts, Songbird! Would you like to say hello to our audience, Ellie?"

"Hi, everyone! Thank you so much, Bill for having me on."

"Pleasure's all mine. Last time we had you in the studio was...two years ago with your single, Dreamer, isn't that right?"

"Very much so! Since then lots of things have changed." Ellie chuckled, reflecting on the past for a split second.

"Yeah, you were just a wide-eyed kid who had no idea what the business was like or where you were going. Nice to see you settled down. Now, you're with Led Zeppelin's guitarist, Jimmy Page, right? How's that working out with their constant touring?"

Ellie visibly tensed. If they were there to talk about Jimmy, they should have just called him on instead, but alas she was polite and answered the question. "Yes, Jimmy and I are together," she chuckled nervously, "Well, we manage our time pretty well. He's currently away doing his stuff and I'm working on my new album, but we find time to get a phone call in before bed...middle of the night," she laughed, "we find a way."

"Adorable, you two are. So this album of yours? Got a title yet? And what kind of songs are we going to see on it?"

"Not yet," Ellie answered, but quickly saved herself, "we have a working one, but even that's under wraps for now. As for songs, they're mostly just your regular old love songs I guess. The experimental piece was actually one I plan to release soon. I really hope my fans enjoy it. It took a lot to write it."

"And the title?"

Ellie looked over to Carolyn, who sat across the room puffing on a cigarette. The brunette nodded at the blonde, allowing her to speak on the song, "Well the song is called Sign of the Times. It's about seeing a change in someone you love and having to accept it. It could be with a wife, husband, lover, friend; anyone you hold dear who you just...can't help but worry about." She explained, getting lost in her own words as she thought about Jimmy. "As you can see I'm still a bit raw about it," Ellie lightly rubbed at her watering eyes.

"Do you miss your person?" Bill asked, suddenly becoming quite sincere.

Ellie met his gaze, nodding, "I do." she said, thinking of what lie to tell people to convince them she wasn't talking about her lanky, dark-haired boyfriend.

"Well, now onto what you're here for. Tell me about Songbird, then."

"Um, well...there was a slight bit of a rough patch lately that affected me a bit. I decided to get my trusty notebook out and spew out all the words that would come. And Songbird came out of that."

"Some beautiful acoustic on there, who did it?"

"I did! Jimmy's not the only one who's well-spoken in the ways of a guitar in this relationship. Although I did want him to come play on it for me, our schedules just didn't line up." She shrugged.

"Incredible. Well, here it is, folks. The new song by Ellie Saunders: Songbird." Bill said, fiddling with some buttons and getting his turntable ready before removing his headphones, "you can take those off now." he said.

Ellie removed the bulky headphones from her hair and held them idly in her lap as her song played out to the broader Los Angeles area. She knew it wasn't the first time a station had played the song in the week or so that it'd been out, but it was different knowing that she was right there while it was playing out to thousands of people. It was daunting if anything.

"Ellie that was great. Thank you so much for coming on!" Bill said, standing to shake Ellie's hand. The singer mirrored his actions and went in for a handshake, returning the favor.

"Thank you for asking me to come on. It was a pleasure. Maybe I'll come back when Sign of the Times comes out." She said with a wink.

"Of course," Bill replied, "tell me. In confidence; off the record. Is there a title for the new record?"

Ellie contemplated her honest answer, then exhaled through her nose in a laugh before answering, "No, actually. I have no idea what it's called. I've been so focused on writing songs that...I just haven't had time to think of a title, honestly." Ellie laughed as she spewed the honest truth.

Bill laughed out loud at the comment, giving Ellie a pat on the back, "Seriously, Ellie, come back any time. New song, new album, or if you just wanna chat with me for the morning segment. It would be great."

"Thank you so much, Bill." She repeated as she started picking up her bags. Carolyn put out her cigarette in an ashtray near the microphones and gave Bill a firm handshake. The women left the building shortly after.

After they'd been settled in the car to take them back to the studio, they finally got a chance to take a breather and relax. Things had been moving at a touch and go pace since finishing the two bigger singles. The rest of the songs still needed more, Ellie thought. It often occupied her mind just what she wanted to add to each song. That and Jimmy.

Not only was she concerned about him, she found herself getting increasingly more discouraged when she spoke with him. Like she was walking on eggshells when it came to a conversation with him. If either of them said the wrong thing, the other would get set off. Ellie found herself as more of the latter. She hated arguing while they were away from each other, but she couldn't help comment about his activities. He knew her disdain of it and it seemed there wasn't much else to talk they had to talk about since their days were full of nothingness lately.

☆

Andrew came over late that night. One more song on the album had been finalized and he deemed it enough to celebrate. Five of twelve songs completed, in case anyone was counting.

"Cheers to another amazing song by my best friend." Andrew said, raising a glass of some old whiskey Ellie had had hidden in her house since she'd moved in. The blonde could hardly remember who had given it to her. It seemed it just was a part of the house at that point.

They clinked glasses and each took a sip, both inevitably coughing and gagging at the taste and giggling at their reactions. Their conversation carried on until Ellie's eyes wandered to her stack of mail. Since getting home she hadn't had much time to give it a look so she gave each letter a once-over before focusing on Andrew again. That was the plan, at least.

However, a postcard caught her eye and she couldn't help but pick it up.

'Sunset Strip, Hollywood, California' Read the front as it was decorated with a photo of the infamous Sunset Strip at night. Ellie flipped over the postcard, her eyes quickly darting past the words that had been scrawled onto the paper.

'I recall you saying something about the Sunset Strip calling your name when we went out for dinner. How about we go out again sometime soon? You can be a Dreamer about life again. Call me when you get this. 213-xxx-xxxx

Hugs, Roger

P.S. Did you get the reference of your song that I used?

P.P.S. Ask for Simon Ferocious'

The blonde furrowed her eyebrows, but was delighted at the prospect that Roger would send her a postcard. She reached for the phone, starting to dial the numbers.

"What's up?" Andrew asked, taking another sip of the blasted whiskey, to which he exhaled sharply only seconds later. He set the cup down in disgust.

"It's Roger. He's in California. Told me to call him." Ellie replied, handing the man the postcard as his hands reached out for it. The line rang while Andrew exhaled through his nose, laughing at the corny jokes made in the letter.

"Ritz Los Angeles, my name is Angela. How can I be of service to you this evening?" The woman on the other line said. Ellie was taken aback slightly at the discovery of the Ritz's hotel having been the main point of contact for Roger.

"Uh, hi. I'm calling for a Simon Ferocious staying at your hotel." Ellie said, trying to hold back her laughter.

"And who's asking?" She asked.

"Say it's Mrs. Page. He'll know who it is."

"I'll put you through."

"Thank you."

Silence came through the phone before the Hold music shortly began. An ear-raping jazz number made Ellie put the phone down as soon as the music started.

"Simon Ferocious?" Andrew asked, having come back into the living room with a near-empty bottle of blush wine Ellie had been keeping in the fridge along with two flutes. She shrugged as he poured the rest out for the both of them as the infernal jazz finally came to an end.

"Mr. Ferocious for you, ma'am." The woman said.

"Thank you," Ellie paused waiting for the clicks before Roger's familiar rasp came through.

"Mrs. Page, hm?" Roger asked.

"I heard we weren't giving out our real names." Ellie laughed, twirling the phone cord around her finger. Her eyes followed Andrew as he walked over to her record collection beside the turntable.

"Well, I had good reason. I'm staying on the down low."

"Is that it? Who's Simon Ferocious, then?" she asked as the sounds of a song she couldn't quite place by Led Zeppelin came flooding through the speakers. The song was from a special release pressing Jimmy had gifted her when Physical Graffiti was released the previous year. Close friends and family received them. Ellie had been honored to say the least.

Roger chuckled, "A guy looking to take you out to a show. Someone there with you?"

"Just Andrew. He's my best friend—"

"And I'm gay!" Andrew shouted across the room.

"Nothing to worry about." Ellie smiled, and though Roger couldn't see it, he could sense it.

"Right. Simon Ferocious is something Fred called Sid Vicious because he was bothering him one day in the studio," Roger laughed, "Ask him about it one day, he'll get so cross about it."

"I think I might. Feel like you're not doing the story justice." Ellie chuckled. "So is Mr. Ferocious going to take me out to a show?" She asked as Andrew returned to his seat on the floor across from the singer, munching on a cracker that was sitting on a plate.

"I was hoping to today, actually. Then I heard you on the radio this morning and thought you might be busy."

Ellie apologized for the delay, "I got your postcard yesterday, I just didn't bother to look at my mail because it was all mixed with bills and other junk that it got lost. I'd ditch Andrew for you any night."

"Bitch!" The aforementioned man exclaimed, slapping Ellie on the shoulder with a push. A bubbly, hearty laugh left her throat as she fell back onto the floor.

Catching her breath, she confessed, "We're getting a little tipsy." she giggled. "How much longer are you in LA? I'll make it up to you."

"I leave on the 5th of July. I have to be back in London so we can start the new album."

"Well let's go to a Fourth of July celebration! I think my record label's throwing one. They're usually on top of some pretty rooftops. It'll make for a great view."

"It's a date then. Keep me posted on this...roof party."

"Didn't I give you my phone number, Rog?"

"..."

"Hm?"

"I dropped the slip of paper in a puddle on the day I got here. God's honest truth, El. Which is why I sent you a postcard."

"I'll entertain that story for a while...." she joked, "I can give it to you again, if you'd like."

"Yes please." Roger said sheepishly; a shuffling audible in the background.

"626...."

---

masterlist | playlist

Taglist: @diaryofafan17 @tophats-n-lespauls @witchesdust @jonesyjonesyjonesy @paginate54 @hejustsatisfiess @salixfragilis @princesspagey @reincarnated70sbaby @rebel-without-a-zeppelin @kyunisixx if you want to be added to the list lmk!

#I really liked this chappie I hope you guys like it too!#jimmy page #fanfic #fanfiction #ghostin'#big things are coming....*maniacally rubs hands together*

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pretoriafics · 4 years ago

Text

One Night With... Derek Hale

Remember: My requests are open. Remember²: English is not my main language, so I’m sorry if my writing maybe sounds bad for you.

Let’s get started?

Word count: 2.553 Contain: Hunter!Reader, arguing, a little bit of fluff... Warnings: Inappropriate language +16 only Inspired by the music 3 nights, by Dominic Fike Versão em português aqui

You were a famous hunter. Everyone knew your name. Feared and respected, you asserted your authority, strength, and respect for every hunter you knew. You have an entire collection of surreal stories in the hunting world, who everyone knew.

And, now, you were in Beacon Hills. In a hunting, of course. Hunting was your life.

You were suspicious about a pack of werewolves, which a hunter's family who was your friend, the Argent family, alerted you. That particular hunting was a werewolf attack case, and you went investigating that werewolves pack. You hunted them, relentless, but then, the Alpha called you to a talk. You accepted the conversation, of course. It would be interesting to listen to what the hell he would talk with you.

You arrived in a cafe and recognized him immediately. He was tall, with dark hair and a dangerous aura. Without ceremonies, you sat close to him.

"Derek, huh?" You said, without the need to be polite. "Trying to get more time to live?"

"Unlike the other packs, we don't have afraid of you." His arms were crossed in front of his chest, and his gaze was glacial. You smiled at him.

"You should have. It would be even more intelligent. So, I need to recognize that call me for a talk is a brave gesture of yours, Hale. I'm impressed."

His eyes narrowed to you.

"I think it would be smarter if we unite our energies. This way, we can get the Alpha who is attacking the city."

You arch your eyebrows. I mean, is he talking seriously? You let escape a short smirk between your red lipstick lips.

"Are you saying that..."

"It wasn't us doing all this shit."

Derek exposed all the points that were another werewolf. Yeah, you need to admit that everything was making sense. He was a smart guy, and it seems like he's not a threat to you. After so many years as a hunter, you developed a kind of sense about psycho supernatural ones. That's was not the case with Derek.

Ok. You decided to give a chance for Derek.

"Alright. But if I find out it was you, I swear that I'll go until hell to cut your head off."

You had met the pack and find out that the idea of talking with you came from another Alpha, called Scott. They seem like not only distrust you, but fear you too. Derek was always being cautious about trusting you, but you totally understand him. You're were also being cautious.

Together, you and Derek had elaborated a strategy to catch that Alpha. Despite argue sometimes, after all, you and him were a good match. Your plan was brilliant and infallible. Your body was moving like a work of art when you were fighting, brutal and elegant, who prooved for everyone in the pack why you were so famous. With a flawless execution, you had killed the Alpha.

But then, you heard a shot. Derek fell to the ground with his shoulder bleeding: Chris, Victoria, Allison, and a few other hunters were pointing their guns to the pack.

"It's time to solve this." Chris's voice echoed in the woods. And before anyone do something, you put yourself in front of all pack. The Argent's was noticeably surprised by your presence.

"It was not them, Argent. It was another Alpha."

They looked at each other. Victoria's voice was the next to be heard.

"You don't know what you are doing, and you don't know them. They are killers. We thought you would be smarter than this. It seems like all of your stories were fake."

"I need to assume that people talk too much, sometimes. So, yeah, a few of them are fake. But look, I know what I'm doing here." You cross your arms in front of your chest and get one step closer to the Argent hunters. "From now on, Hale's pack is my business. If you had any issues with them, talk with me, and I'll solve them personally. And I'm serious. You don't want me as your enemy."

"Okay." Chris put down his gun, and the group did the same. He exchanged gazes with his group. "We will remember that."

Thwarted with the situation, they got in their cars and ran away. That night sealed an alliance between you and the Hale pack, even if you and Derek didn't have the best relation at all.

You went to Derek's loft after that, just you and him. Both of you were on the couch, and you were holding a first-aid kit.

"I told you I can take care of-"

"Shut up, Hale. I need to talk with you. Take this shirt off." You were staring at him. Derek arched his eyebrows at you, and you rolled your eyes, with your face turning into red. "Don't take this to the sexual side. Damn! How do you expect I take this bullet off from you? Stop thinking with your dick."

He takes his shirt off, allowing you to focus on the wound - or try, at least. Focus on the wound, focus on the wound!

"The Lumen will be auctioned in Los Angeles next week." You said, taking the silver bullet off of him. Derek looked at you with a surprised gaze. The Lumen was an ancient book, with a silver cover and pages with wolfsbane. It's the most complete and trustable bestiary ever, and both of you have a chance to get it. "I have the money to get it. You can't touch the book for obvious reasons, so I thought I could get to take the book with you. No one will suspect if the book stays hidden with you. Both of us will use the book. It's a valuable thing, you know."

Yeah, it was important information. Derek knew if he had unlimited access to the Lumen, he would have an advantage. Even if he cannot touch on the book, Stiles would help a lot doing this.

"Let's get the book, then."

And the auction was tense.

You had never seen so many hunters and supernatural ones reunited in one space before. It was like a war zone, but fortunately, you and Derek got the bloody book. The Lumen was in the car trunk, and both of you were going back to the city However, in the middle of the road, you saw a few officers. When you get closer, Derek stops his car.

"Good night, officer. What's wrong?"

"Good night, sir." The officer was with a soft voice. "I need you and your girl to turn around and go back. No one will leave Los Angeles for now."

"What?!" You was almost freaking out. Derek blinked his eyes a few times. What the hell was happening? A little bit nervous, the Alpha asked:

"Wait, wait. What are you talking about?"

"We're in a pandemic moment, and the Coronavirus cases increased a little on these days. We're trying to avoid more cases, and we're without the tool to do a sanitary barrier. Until we got more of them to guarantee the people are healthy, and without the virus in your bodies, no one will leave the city."

The weather reflected the feeling of both of you. A heavy rain began to fall from the skies, and Derek just breathed in. He nodded in approval to the officer.

"Okay, we will go back. Thanks."

Derek turn around his car and begun to drive back to L.A. The plan of yours was doing all fine until now, but just in the part who should be the easiest one, everything goes down. You stared him, totally bothered with the situation.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Hale? We can't go back. We need to find another way to go to Beacon Hills!"

"Oh, really?" His voice had an ironical ton. "So what the fuck do you think I should do?"

"Look for another route!" Your voice was louder, and you were saying like it was so obvious. "It is so simple!"

"How do you expect I could do it? I can't see a hand under my nose with all this storm!" He said, angry. The rain was heavy, and the dark of the night wasn't helping. "Furthermore, did you really think this is the only barrier? Are you serious?"

"But-"

"Damn, shut up! We can't go back to Beacon Hills now. Stop acting like a spoiled kid."

Your mouth opened, quite raging with him. How dare! Your face was red in rage, and that's one of the moments you just want to punch his face until he become unrecognizable. You crossed your arms in front of your chest, staring at him with a mortal gaze.

"Why men never do something to solve an issue? That's why women will dominate the world."

"I told you we should participate in the auction via the internet, and you didn't listen to me. It's your fault, I mean, come on! We are in the middle of a fucking pandemic."

You rolled your eyes. He said that it was your fault, commanded you to shut up, and called you "spoiled kid". Damn! Sometimes, Derek Hale has the power to get you so pissed off!

"Stop the car, Hale." You were staring the road trough the window. When he listens to you, Derek stared you totally astonished. You repeated, looking at him with mortal eyes. "Are you fucking deaf? Stop the goddamn car, or I'll open the door!"

"Shit!"

Derek stops his car in the middle of the road. You came out of the car and begun to walk in the street without a look back. You weren't caring about the heavy rain that was falling from the sky and was putting you and your clothes entirely wet. You just don't wanna stay in that fucking car with that stupid alpha.

"(Y/N)! Get back to the car!" Derek yelled from the window, watching you walk away. You didn't look back. Without choices, he drove his car until you slowly. His window was close to you. "What the hell do you think are doing?"

"I'm going to get a ride with someone who's going to Beacon Hills."

"Oh, great, sounds a nice plan to get a ride with someone who could simply rape you, or worse!"

"Leave me alone!" You yelled, looking at him. "Argh! Stupid werewolf." He ignored you.

"Look: It's raining, it's cold, and it's dangerous. Stop being so stubborn. You'll become sick."

You were entirely wet, embracing your own body as a way to become warmer. Your pride was yelling in your head. No, you will NOT get in that stupid car.

"Get out, Hale."

"You're shivering cold. Stop to let everything so hard!" Argue with you wasn't rare. It was a usual thing, actually. However, despite being so freaking pissed off with you, Derek tried to calm down. He breathed in and, calmly at this time, he said. "I promise tomorrow I'll find a way for both of us to come back to Beacon, okay? I don't want you sick."

Then, you finally stopped walking. You need to admit: Derek is completely right. You can't just wait for someone who will accept to give you a ride, and under the storm. You even couldn't think straight because you were so angry! Then, you just sighed. Swallowing your pride, you just turned around and entered the car.

"Sometimes, I really hate you, Derek."

You were not looking at him. Your gaze was focused on that huge storm outside. You were wet, shivering, and freezing. Spend the night out of Beacon Hills wasn't on the plans, but you and Derek know you had no choices. The only clothes you have are completely wet, and you were tired as hell.

"I know. Take this." When you look to the side, on the driver's seat, you saw something who let you a little bit anxious: Derek was shirtless, and he was giving his shirt to you. "You can't stay with these clothes. They're wet. You'll get-"

"I know."

With your cheeks burning, you take his shirt and go back to the back's seat. A lightning cut the skies, announcing that the storm was far from the end. Derek's gaze went to the storm outside, giving you the privacy you need to change your clothes.

A little bit shy about the situation, you were fast: You took your wet clothes off and, quickly, you put Derek's shirt on your body. It was just like a dress for you.

And smells like him.

You have a code that you do precisely: You wouldn't bang with any supernatural. You have a reputation to care. If you have sex with anyone who you should be hunting, you will lose your credibility with the other hunters. Actually, you even never had this desire before for no one of the supernaturals you'd met. Since you met Derek was passed a few weeks, and you really never felt any kind of attraction by him. He was a rude and annoying man.

But that night, something changed.

He was taking care of you, and you really had a chance to meet him better on this trip. You notice that you have a lot of things in common with him. Also, he smells like danger and something forbidden. All of that Is really a big turn on.

You weren't the only one who was in that way.

Derek was watching you since you met. Your independence and strength sounds really sexy, especially when he saw you fighting. He wasn't trusting on you at the same time, of course. You're still a hunter. However, you earned his trust not only when you talked with the Argent's, but when you took care of him even when he said that he wouldn't need it, and, of course, when you were looking for that insane alpha.

And then, there you are, taking off your clothes so close to him.

His pride was preventing him flirt with you. I mean, come on, you are a hunter! He wouldn't do this. But that situation made his imagination run wild, thinking about your body.

"Thank you." You said for him, with a low voice. "I'm sorry, I think I'm-"

"It's okay, take a rest. I can't see the road with this storm, so I think we'll need to wait for a while. Are you with cold?"

"I'll be-" A sneeze interrupts your words. Derek sighs, annoyed.

"Great, you become sick. And just when the car's heater is broken."

"Look, I just don't want to argue now."

He looks at you. Quickly, Derek goes to the back seat, and rub your arms in a way to warm your body. Your skin was so soft... You get closer to him, to feel the warmth of his body, and, soon, he embraced you. Your head rests on his chest, and you were feeling a little bit warmer now.

Be in his arms was really good, and not because of the warmth. It was feeling like home for you. It was so comfy, so good...

"Are you feeling better?"

You didn't respond to him, and Derek arched his eyebrows.

"(Y/N)?" He calls you. But when he heard your peaceful breath, he knew that you fall asleep. It took a soft smile from him.

That was your first night.

#teen wolf fic #teen wolf fanfics #teen wolf fanfic #teen wolf imagine #teen wolf imagines #derek hale x reader #derek hale x y/n #derek hale x you #derek hale imagines #derek hale imagine #derek hale fic #derek hale fanfics #derek hale fanfic

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seoulwhat · 4 years ago

Text

Virus (#9)

Summary: With a bad virus going around and a strict dad that doesn’t want you out and about, your father’s guard watches over you and you can’t help but become fond of him.

Pairings: Yuta x reader

Genre: SMUT with aftercare

Warnings: rape, virus, choking, death of a side character

Word Count: 13.5k

You looked through the glass as you continued to walk down the street. Those were about the prettiest high heels you'd ever laid eyes on. They were a deep red, velvet and the wedge of the heel had a little heart on the corner. You HAD to have them. You walked inside the store with your arms filled with your other shopping bags and approached the employee.

"Please tell me you have those red heels on the display window in a size 8," you nervously begged. The employee looked at you and noticed the other bags hanging on your arms.

"We actually do and it's our last pair."

You bought the heels and walked out happily. You made your way home and placed all of your shopping bags on the floor with an accomplished smile. You walked to the kitchen for a glass of water when your house phone began to ring. You sighed and rolled your eyes, knowing that the only person who calls your landline was your father.

"Yes, dad?" You answered the phone.

"I need you to come to the company right now. I'm sending a driver to come pick you up." And that was the end of the call. It was unusually hostile. He normally said how much he loved you and said goodbye before hanging up.

Five minutes after the call, the driver, your dad sent to get you, rang your doorbell. You opened the door and walked out. The driver, who you knew as Sonny, followed right behind you and opened the door to let you in. Once Sonny was inside, you spoke.

"Why does my dad want to see me?"

Sonny looked at you through his rear view mirror and shrugged. "I don't know. I was just ordered to get you and wasn't given a reason why."

Finally approaching your destination, you got out of the car once Sonny parked. Your dad's bodyguards followed you closely as you entered the building and approached the door that led to his office. Another one of his workers opened the door for you and you walked inside. The red walls were dimly lit by the lamps he had in the room. He was sitting at his desk, his arms crossed with attitude. An unfamiliar man dressed in all black stood nearby, making no eye contact with you.

"What happened? Why did you need me to come here?" You asked right off the bat.

He sighed before speaking. "How have you been?"

You furrowed your eyebrows, confused. "Uh, good."

"What's been keeping you busy?"

You hesitated to answer. It somewhat seemed like he was trying to trick you to say something with his questions. "My puzzle that you got me."

"Anything else?" He said as he put a toothpick in his mouth.

You shook your head in reply.

"Want to tell me what you were doing shopping at a time like this?" He threw down several photos of you walking in and out of different stores. They were all taken that day. You rolled your eyes, annoyed at how closely your dads men watch you.

"I just bought a few things. It's not like I came in contact with anything," you said and took a seat on one of the chairs in the room.

"Did you get tested today? How do you know you didn't come in contact with the virus and brought it here to my company?"

You snorted. "I'm pretty sure if you thought I came in contact with the virus, you wouldn't have asked me to come over."

"Test her," your dad spoke to one of his men in the room. The man nodded and quickly got out a kit and took a large and long cotton swab out. This wasn't the first time you've been tested. You already knew how it happens.

The man got the swab and roughly shove it up your nose and twisted it around before pulling it out. He mixed a few chemicals together and put the swab in it. The chemical changed to a pink color, indicating that you tested negative.

"I told you," you said.

"Y/n, this virus is not funny," your dad said.

"I know it's not. I'm not laughing."

"Then why aren't you taking it more seriously? So many people have died globally because of the virus and you're out here shopping as if people can't carry it. Not only that, but you didn't even think to wear the mask I got you or the gloves. And thanks to you, I made sure every store you shopped at got closed down. They shouldn't even be open during this pandemic."

You crossed your arms and huffed. "You're so annoying. It's literally not that serious. If it was that serious, the country's government would call for a lockdown period. But they don't. You know why? Because it's not that bad. People are dying because some countries don't have the supplies to help people get better," you spoke. Ever since the virus started, everything your dad did was to avoid the virus. You never saw it so seriously and you didn't understand why your dad did.

"Okay, well since you don't find it as serious as I do, I'm going to send you off to the Flower."

You uncrossed your arms and sat up. "Don't make me go there."

Your dad shook his head. "I've already planned it. You're going to stay there until this virus has either been eradicated or it's controlled."

"Dad, you can't make me stay there. I will go insane," you said in a low voice.

"I can make you stay there and I will. Everything you own is being transported from your house to the Flower as we speak," he said getting up.

"And what if I leave?" You said, testing him.

"That's what Yuta is for," he said simply. You grimaced at the name as you stared at your dad.

"What the hell is a Yuta?"

Your dad pointed to the man in the room that failed to make eye contact with you. He was standing still as much as he possibly could with his hands behind his back. "Yuta is from Japan and he's a trained ninja. I thought it was really stereotypical but he was able to outfight all of my men. So I'm going to have him be your bodyguard, keeping you in and keeping other people out."

"You're joking. This man looks like a twig but he can outfight everyone in this building? You're lying," you said in disbelief. You were physically larger than the man. Not by height, but you outweighed him by at least 50 pounds.

"You'll see if I'm really lying when you try to leave the Flower. Anyways, here are the protocols as follows: Sonny will drop you and Yuta off. You are free to wear whatever I bought for you in the house or you can wear your clothes. You are not allowed to have any sexual relations with Yuta, and I also told him the same thing. He is my worker and you should respect him as such."

"Sexual relations? What kind of person do you take me for?" You shouted in offense.

"I've known you for 24 years and I've seen how you've tried to seduce my men to get your way. But you won't with Yuta. Anyways, as I was saying. Although we have a grocers one floor below, you will not be able to shop in it. I will send Jaehyun to do the shopping for you whenever you feel like you need groceries. Other than that, you have no other reason why you should leave the Flower. You no longer attend school and you are out of a job so you can busy yourself with the things at the house."

"This is not fair," you said rolling your eyes.

"Life's not fair, honey. Say that to the millions of people with the virus that wish they could breathe as easily as you can."

You sat in silence on the chair. You eyed Yuta up and down, wondering if he really can defend you if that needed to happen. Many people in the past have tried breaking in to the Flower to get the expensive items inside the building, and at one point, it took all of your dads men to fight off a heist that went down. Fortunately, they intervened but many of your dads men got hurt.

"Since I have nothing more to say to you, you and Yuta can now leave," your dad spoke. He sat back down on the chair and began to type away on his computer. You got up aggressively, trying to show your anger in your actions and slammed opened the door as you walked out. You walked towards the exit and Sonny was waiting there with the door open.

"Sorry to hear about what happened, Miss," Sonny spoke.

"It's fine," you said getting into the car. "It's not like it's your fault."

Sonny closed the door and a few minutes later, Yuta got in to the opposite side of the backseat. Sonny took off to the Flower and the ride was in silence. After an hour in the car, the skyscraper shaped as a large flower began to appear. You hadn't seen the building in about six years. When you turned 18, your dad bought you the building to live in. It was already stocked with several shopping stores and a market. You refused to live in the building guarded by your dads men so you rented out an apartment that was nice and simple. Although you loved shopping and expensive material things, you'd never found an interest in house luxury.

Once Sonny parked in the underground parking, you got out of the car before he could open the door for you. You approached the elevator and waited for it to open. You took a deep breath before walking inside and Yuta walked in right behind you. The ride up to the top floor took longer than you expected.

"How long have you been working for my dad?" You asked to break the silence.

Yuta stood there, staring at absolutely nothing, and ignored your question.

"Are you not allowed to talk to me?" You asked him, wondering if he even heard you the first time. Yet again, he ignored you. You sucked your teeth, annoyed by the man already. The elevator approached the penthouse and you took out your keycard and scanned it. The two of you walked in. Everything was still in place since the last time you saw it. Oddly enough, nothing was filled with dust. You assumed your dad had it cleaned beforehand. Many boxes of your things from your apartment filled the living room and you decided to just put those away later.

You left Yuta at the entrance and began to wander around. You looked through the ceiling to floor glass windows and saw the whole city. It was really a beautiful sight and not something you often saw.

The piano was still in the same spot. Your dad bought it thinking you were going to have time during school to play. Little did he know at the time that you weren't even going to live in the penthouse.

You walked up the spiral staircase and approached the hallway. The walls were now painted a light pink, different than the ugly green it once was. You opened the door to your room and the wide space surprised you. It wasn't the first time seeing your room but you forgot how big it actually was. The bed was twice the size of your full sized bed at your apartment and the bathroom was inside your room. Having a bathroom inside your bedroom was a different type of luxury.

You approached your closet and slid the doors open. A rainbow of colors flourished in the closet and you never actually took the chance to see the type of clothes your dad packed the closet with. Different name brands filled the closet, even brands you'd never even heard of before. All the clothes still had tags on them and you couldn't believe the prices of some of the items.

"Dad wasn't kidding when he said he'd spoil me if I stood here," you spoke to yourself. You continued looking through the clothes, looking for a nice shirt to wear. You took out an indigo colored wooled sweater. It was super cute and soft. You took off the shirt you were wearing and put the sweater on, feeling like a soft blanket was hugging you.

You opened the bottom drawers, looking for pants. There were about ten drawers and five of them were filled with jeans, all of them color coded. You specifically looked for a black pair and replaced your shorts with the jeans. You pulled out another drawer that had rows of shoes and put on a pair that looked like a normal pair of shoes.

You walked back downstairs wearing your new clothes and you walked into the kitchen. You opened the fridge to see that it was completely empty, as was your stomach.

"Is it okay if we order fast food and have them deliver it?" You asked Yuta. He was standing guard by the elevator door, once again staring at nothing. He didn't answer you, nor did he even make a movement.

"I can't believe I'm stuck in a large house with no one to talk to," you said annoyed. You reached for the house phone and looked at the phone book that the building provided. You pressed the number on the phone and waited patiently.

"Hello, Flower Grocers," the voice spoke.

"Hi, can I speak with Jaehyun?" You asked.

"Speaking," the voice said.

"Hi, Jaehyun. This is Y/n," you said.

"Oh my god! How are you? Why are you calling with the Flower's phone?" He asked.

"My dad is making me stay here because of the virus," you huffed."

"Oh I see. Yeah it's getting pretty bad out there. But how can I help you?" He asked.

"I don't know if my dad told you but he said I can't go grocery shopping in the building and that you have to do it for me. Do you think you'd be able to get me a few things and bring them up?"

"Of course I can. You know I'm always willing to help you out. Tell me what you feel like eating and I'll get the ingredients and a recipe for you."

You told Jaehyun you felt like eating cheeseburgers and the call ended. Your stomach growled loud at the thought of eating and you looked at Yuta.

"What are you going to eat?" You asked him. No reply.

"Are you allowed to eat?" You asked. Still, no reply.

"Are you going to sleep or is someone going to be switching shifts with you?" You asked. Silence.

"What if you have to use the restroom? Did my dad not plan any of this? As much as you'd like to not think about it, you're as much of a human as I am and you won't be working your best if you don't eat and sleep."

He continued to ignore you. You shrugged your shoulders. "Fine. Ignore me then. Let's see if you ignore me when you're tired and hungry."

The elevator softly chimed, indicating someone was approaching the top floor. You had a feeling it was Jaehyun and approached the elevator doors to allow him inside and to help him bring the groceries inside. As you stood by the doors waiting, Yuta aggressively pushed you behind him when the elevator dinged.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" You yelled at him. You tried to go around him but he kept getting in your way, stepping side to side to keep you from going around him. You used all your might and pushed him to the side, making him slightly stumble. You scanned your key card and allowed the elevator doors to open.

"I'm sorry to tell you but this is not a robbery, you dumbass. Jaehyun is delivering my groceries," you shouted at Yuta as Jaehyun stood there inside the elevator. His eyes were somewhat wide and he didn't step out of the elevator.

"I'm sorry. He's supposed to be my guard but my dad failed to tell me he's a complete moron," you said as you helped bring the groceries in. Jaehyun followed right behind you and placed the groceries on the counter.

"Wow, this place is huge. I've never been in here," he said.

"Really? Well you're more than welcome to come and visit me whenever you want. I literally have no one to talk to."

Jaehyun turned around and eyed Yuta who was back in his position. Jaehyun looked at you and raised his eyebrows.

"He doesn't speak," you said out loud. "He's like mute or something."

"Well, that's not nice," Jaehyun said, helping you take out the food from the bags.

"Well, neither is he. So I guess we're even," you said.

The two of you continued to talk and you invited Jaehyun to stay for dinner. He helped you make dinner, prepping the lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions and the condiments for the cheeseburgers. You cooked the burgers and toasted the buns.

Jaehyun approached you from behind to see how the burgers were coming along. "You're only making two?" He whispered.

You nodded your head. "He ignored me when I asked him what he was going to eat. So I don't really care."

Jaehyun frowned. "You're being a little mean. Why don't you just make him one and leave it out over night for him. Maybe he doesn't want to eat while you're awake."

You took his words into consideration. Yuta was on the job and apparently he took his job seriously. You had to commend him for that. He was here protecting you but then again, he was also babysitting you. You sighed and rolled your eyes, knowing Jaehyun was probably right. You decided to make an extra cheeseburger. You put all the ingredients together and placed it in the microwave for later. You got your burger and Jaehyun's and brought the plates to the table where Jaehyun was seated already.

"Mmm," he said sniffing. "It smells so good. I haven't had a cheeseburger in a while."

You laughed at his comment. "Jaehyun, we live smack in the middle of a large and busy city filled with vendors that make burgers everyday. Where have you been?"

"Working at the market," he said frowning. "I never have extra time to go out. I'm currently using my lunchtime to hang out with you because I didn't eat lunch earlier. I work as much as I can to get as much money as I can. It's hard living paycheck to paycheck, you know?"

You sympathized with Jaehyun. Unfortunately, you couldn't relate. You never financially struggled because your dad was always there to back you up whenever you needed the help.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea how much you struggled. Working for my dad, I assumed he paid all his employees well considering the amount of money he makes running his company."

Before you let Jaehyun reply, you got up and went to one of the boxes on the floor. Inside, you took out your wallet and pulled out the cash you had. You rolled it up, put your wallet back in the box and walked back to the table.

You sat down and reached for Jaehyun's hand. You placed the roll of cash in his hand. "It's around $1,000. This is for always being a good friend to me since we were little kids. And this is also for caring more about other people than yourself. You're a good person who deserves more than what he gets."

Jaehyun looked into his hand and widened his eyes at the cash. He began to shake his head, bringing his hand towards you. You pushed his hand back.

"You know who my dad is. I don't need the money. I want to help you and I'm willing to help you whenever you need it, okay? All you need to do is ask."

His eyes began to water and you could see how hard he was trying to hold in his tears. A large smiled formed on his face and he looked up at you. "Thank you so much for this."

You smiled back in reply and then looked down, knowing he must be uncomfortable crying in front of you. You picked up your burger and took a large bite out of it.

Jaehyun sniffled and then laughed. "I can't believe I'm crying when I have a burger right in front of me."

You smiled at his humor and the rest of the night, Jaehyun seemed happier.

Time ticked by and before you knew it, Jaehyun had to go home. He had to get up early the next day to open the market. You said goodbye to him as the elevator doors closed.

You cleaned up the table and did the dishes. There was not much else to do. It was getting late and it's not like you had anyone to talk to. It was barely 9 P.M. and you sighed.

You turned to Yuta who seemed to not have move a single hairbreadth since he went back in position. You stared at him and checked him out. He wasn't too bad looking. His hair curled around his neck and it was a light lavender color. Parts of his hair hung over his forehead just above his eyes. Speaking of his eyes, they were almond shaped but they were actually mesmerizing. His nose was long and curved at the tip, perfectly matching the rest of his face. And his lips, his lips were long and light pink. For a second, you thought you saw Yuta look at you and then look away. This made you want to approach him.

You walked slowly towards him. You stared at him, wondering if he was even breathing. You furrowed your eyebrows, confused by the man. He didn't speak, and you wondered why. You were finally face to face with him, allowing you to see his perfect and sculpted face up close. He was just as beautiful up close as he was far away. His hair looked so soft and you had the urge to touch it.

"Can I touch your hair?" You asked. He didn't respond and continued to look as if he was upset about something. He didn't answer, so you slowly reached up, expecting him to stop you. But when he didn't, your hand came in contact with his hair. And it was soft. You moved hair strands out of his face and pushed it softly back. Like always, he didn't move a single bit and you wondered what would make him crack.

"You know, I think I'd have a fat crush on you if you actually spoke to me," you admitted to him. It was like talking to a wall, so you weren't even remotely embarrassed to speak your mind.

"Would you tell my dad if I tried to make a move on you?" You asked him. You laughed when he didn't respond.

You took a step back away from him. "Don't worry. I won't. Or at least, I'll try not to. You know, a girl has needs and being stuck in this building with an attractive man that I can't have won't do me any good."

You walked away and into the kitchen. You opened the microwave and took out the burger you made for Yuta. You brought the plate over to him and placed it in front of his face.

"You know, I don't know what's wrong with you, but I made you a burger. I know you're going to get hungry. I'll leave it right here beside you just in case you want it, okay?"

You took out one of the kitchen chairs and place it beside him. You put his burger on top and made sure it wouldn't fall.

"Anyways, I'm going to bed. Do you want the lights on?" You asked. Yuta huffed like if you were getting on his last nerve.

"Hey! You made a sound! That's progress! I'll leave the light on for you. Goodnight and sweet dreams, Yuta."

A few weeks had passed and it was the same routine. Jaehyun would shop for you, he'd come up for lunch and then leave by evening. Yuta still hadn't said a word, although, he did eat the food that you would prepare for him. You weren't sure when he had the time to use the restroom or take care of himself because you had never seen him do it while you were awake.

One early morning, you woke up and Yuta was not in his position. You furrowed your brows and wondered where he went.

"Yuta?" You called out to him. The house was huge and you had no idea where he might be. Leaving the house also ran through your mind but Yuta seemed so uptight about following the rules, you doubted he left the building.

You continued to walk around the house, looking for Yuta. He wasn't in the basement where all the wine was located. He wasn't in the attic where all of your old memories were located. He wasn't in any of the bedrooms, living room, game room, kitchen. You had no idea where else to check.

You called out to him once more. "Yuta? Where did you go?"

You started to feel stupid, assuming that he probably did leave the house and you were there alone yelling out his name to no one. You heard footsteps from behind you and you quickly turned around. Yuta was walking out of the hallway that was across the living room, the one place you forgot to check. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and it was hanging unbelievably low. He was completely naked from head to toe and the only thing hiding his dignity was the towel. He approached you and your eyes widened more with every step he took towards you. The closer he got, the better you were able to see his defined abs, the water dripping down his body, his hair wet, and the great smell of men's body wash. He had a ball of clothes in his arms and as he approached you, he handed them to you. You looked up at him, confused and furrowed your eyebrows.

"What's this?" You asked him. He didn't reply and instead just stared at you. He watched your movements as you scanned through the wad of black clothes in your arms.

"Are these your clothes you were wearing before your shower?" You asked him. He closed his eyes momentarily and nodded.

"Do you want me to wash them?" You asked him, assuming that's why he gave them to you. Again, he nodded in response.

You smiled at him, happy that he wasn't just a stone standing by the elevator. You felt giddy inside knowing that he actually responded to you. It wasn't vocally but it was still a response nonetheless.

You put his clothes in the washer and then went up to your room and grabbed a shirt and a pair of sweats that looked like could fit him. You brought them down to where he was waiting in the living room. You approached him and as he turned to look at you, a small glimmer hit your eye. You looked down to what it was and it was a belly button piercing.

You gasped out loud and your mouth dropped open. "You have a belly button piercing?"

He didn't respond, only stared at you. You walked closer and bent over to see it clearly. He had a belly button piercing and a silver curved bar went through it. "Oh my god, you have a belly button piercing. That's so hot."

You kept staring at it and then you felt his eyes watching you. You looked up at him and he had no expression on his face. You didn't know what he was thinking. You stood up straight and took a step back. "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I brought you some clothes that I think might fit you. You can wear these until your clothes are ready."

You handed him the clothes and he bowed before leaving. He walked back into the hallway that he came out from and your curiosity got the best of you. You didn't really know what was in that hallway. You knew there was one room down that way, but it was only a storage room. You followed the same path Yuta took and walked down the hallway. As you approached it, three doors appeared. Confusion crossed your face because you didn't remember there being three rooms in the hallway. You opened the one door that you were familiar with and like you thought, it was the storage room. You opened another door that was right across from it and it was an unfamiliar bathroom. You wondered where Yuta went. You thought he might have went back into the bathroom, where he showered, to put his clothes on. You approached the last door and opened it, slowly, and it looked like a bedroom. Your eyes instantly made eye contact with a naked Yuta and you gasped out loud and slammed the door. You walked out of the hallway and stood as far away from it as possible.

Heat rose to your face and you fanned yourself. Your skin began to prickle with sweat, completely embarrassed that you saw Yuta naked. It was a sight to see but the fact that you saw the one and only man in the house naked made you feel flustered.

Yuta walked out of the dark hallway wearing your clothes. They fit him quite good but that wasn't what was running through your mind. Yuta looked angry and he was approaching you quickly. You got scared and your feet quickly took you up the staircase. You could hear his footsteps right behind you and you ran to your room as fast as you could. You slammed the door and locked it. Yuta banged on the door a few times and then it went silent.

He had a right to be mad. Here he was, professionally working, and his bosses daughter sees him naked. You decided to stay in your room for the rest of the morning and afternoon.

You didn't have much to do in your room. The only thing your room was equipped with was a large bed, a bathroom and clothes. You wished you had a tv but the only tv in the house was in the living room, and you weren't about to walk back out there with an angry Yuta that can fight off all of your dads men. You decided to just lay in your bed and wait for the time to pass by. Before you knew it, your eyes began to flutter close and you fell asleep.

When you woke up, you noticed the sun was setting. You had no idea how long you slept because you didn't even know what time you fell asleep. You got up and out of bed and opened your door slowly. You looked down the hallway in both directions to see if the coast was clear to leave. You didn't see Yuta so you made your way out. You walked down the stairs on your tiptoes and scanned the living room as you came down. You didn't see him. You walked into the laundry room and noticed that his clothes were gone, so he must've put them in the dryer. He wasn't in the kitchen so you assumed he was in the bedroom down the hallway. You didn't want to watch tv because that would create noise and Yuta would know you were out of your room. You decided to take out a puzzle that you bought a few years ago but never actually started.

It was stored in one of the boxes that you had yet to unpack. You took it out and began to lay the pieces out individually on the floor by the piano. The floor to ceiling windows helped you use the natural light from outside to do your puzzle but it slowly began to fade into darkness. You're not sure how much time passed by but you managed to put 5,000 puzzle pieces right side up and find all the corners and piece them together. You were so busy with your puzzle that you didn't even recognize the footsteps approaching you from behind. Minding your own business, you continued with the puzzle.

"What are you doing?" A deep voice spoke into your ear and you screamed in terror. You quickly turned around while seated on the floor and Yuta was bent over you, trying to see over your shoulder what you were doing.

"Y-you spoke," you managed to say. Yuta squatted down to your level and made eye contact with you. He nodded in response.

"You can speak," you said in disbelief. So he wasn't mute after all. Images of what happened earlier flashed through your mind and you began to squirm. You knew you had to apologize to him.

"About earlier, I'm really sorry-"

Yuta put his hand out to stop you, but you continued talking.

"I promise, I didn't see anything," you lied. "Regardless though, I should respect your privacy. I just didn't know those rooms were in that hallway. When my dad bought me this place, I remember there only being a storage room."

Yuta nodded in response to confirm your thoughts.

You raised your eyebrows. "So there was? I knew I wasn't crazy!"

"Your dad had those rooms built in for me a few months ago when the virus barely started," Yuta spoke. His voice was deep but very smooth. You could listen to him speak forever.

"Is there a reason why you're barely talking to me now and didn't want to these past few weeks?" You asked him. He shook his head in response.

"Please talk to me more. I really like the sound of your voice. I might go insane if my voice is the only one I hear all the time."

"Maybe," he replied and took a seat next to you. He began to help you with your puzzle and said no more. You noticed he was still wearing the clothes you gave him. He looked comfortable and less of a robot than he did yesterday.

Not much of the puzzle was finished an hour later. You and Yuta managed to separate the pieces by color but after that, you got tired of sitting on the hard floor. You stood up and Yuta looked up at you in curiosity.

"Are you hungry?" You asked him. He nodded. You walked into the kitchen and checked out the fridge. Unfortunately, you only had a few veggies but there wasn't even enough to make a decent veggie meal for the two of you. You checked the time to see if you could still order groceries but they close at 8pm and it was already 8:45pm.

"Yuta, we have a problem," you said from the kitchen. You could hear him approaching you and you looked up from the fridge to him. "We don't have food to make."

You could see Yuta running through his thoughts and then finally looked back at you. "I can pick us up something to eat at a fast-food place but you have to promise me you'll stay here."

You smiled and nodded your head. "I promise I'll stay here."

Yuta walked down the hallway to his room and came back out with a sweater. He waved goodbye to you and left.

Being alone in the house, you let out a large sigh that relieved tension in your back. You didn't realize how tight your muscles were being around Yuta. Several weeks had passed by from the time you were forced to stay in the house and you wondered how long this quarantine was going to last. You hated it. You could've been out at a club right now, having drinks and dancing. But instead, you were at home with a man that feels uncomfortable to say more than 20 words to you.

You continued to think in silence and wonder what was it that made Yuta want to speak. Not only that, but Yuta left his job posting. After all those past weeks of staying right by the elevator door, and suddenly he left you at home alone to get food. It was really odd and you couldn't really find a reason why he's not acting the way he has been.

You sat down on the couch and laid your head back with a sigh. For a second, you wished you had a dildo to satisfy yourself and keep you busy when there was nothing else to do. Unfortunately, all of your toys were at your apartment and you doubted your dad's men packed those for you.

To see if your assumptions were right, you checked the boxes to see if they managed to pack your toys. Everything was thrown messily in the boxes so you began to search deep inside them. To your surprise, you actually found them below a couple of other things. You took out your favorite toy and turned it on, the vibration instantly making your core throb. You wondered if you should play with yourself until Yuta came back. You thought for a second, realizing that Yuta didn't have a car to take and he was probably walking to get the food.

You laid down on the couch and lowered your pajama pants and underwear. You flipped on the dildo and pressed it against your clit, making goosebumps appear on your skin and a shiver run throughout your whole body. It had literally been weeks since you last satisfied yourself and now that you're breaking your hiatus, it felt so good.

You continued to let the vibration massage your clit. You pulled up your shirt and bra and ran your hand up your body to one of your breasts. You tweaked your nipple and the pleasure from both the toy and your nipple began to run through your body. You moaned loud as you felt your climax approaching. You inserted the dildo inside your pussy and simultaneously, the toy vibrated on your clit. Multiple parts of your body were being stimulated and your body began to shake. You knew your orgasm was approaching and it was coming quickly. You tried to go fast all the while shaking, and then you heard someone clear their throat from behind you. Your climax completely dissolved as you froze in terror and turned the toy off. You didn't move from the couch, too scared to turn around. You quickly pulled your shirt down along with your bra and tried to bring your underwear and pants up while sitting down on the couch. The noise could only come from one person and you were already dead embarrassed.

You stood up from the couch, hid the toy behind your back, and turned around with your eyes closed. You were sure you were tomato red and you were too embarrassed to open your eyes to see Yuta's expression.

"Um, I brought us food. There was a food vendor right outside the building so I got us some burgers and fries," you heard Yuta say. "You can open your eyes."

You opened your eyes slowly and rubbed your face with your hand out of embarrassment. This was probably the worst day of your life, being forced to stay quarantined running second in place.

"I am so sorry," you finally spoke. "I thought you were going to be gone for at least twenty minutes."

Yuta put his hand up and nodded. "I get it. Come eat."

Passing by the boxes on the floor, you threw your toy inside quickly and approached the bags of food. Your stomach growled and Yuta handed you your food.

"I'll be right back," Yuta said and walked down the hallway and into his room. You brought your food and his to the dining table and waited for Yuta to come back. As you waited, you searched for the right words to say to apologize correctly. People say things are okay all the time, but they don't always mean it.

Ten minutes had passed and he still wasn't out of his room and you were starving. You decided to just eat and apologize to Yuta once he comes out. You managed to finish your whole meal and Yuta still wasn't out. You began to worry a little about him, wondering if he was okay. You threw your trash away and slowly approached his bedroom door. You knocked softly and spoke.

"Yuta? Are you okay? Your food is getting cold. I was waiting for you to start eating but you're taking too long so I already ate."

His bedroom door swung open and he was really red in the face and looked sweaty. You looked at him with surprise and worry.

"Yuta, why are you so red? Are you okay?" You put your palm to his head and he was really warm. "Are you getting sick? You feel feverish. Do you need medicine?"

Yuta shook his head in response and continued to walk out of his room. He sat down on the table and you sat with him to accompany him. As time ticked by slowly, the flush in his face slowly subsided and his skin went back to normal.

He finally finished his meal and he sat back in satisfaction. You checked the time and it was pretty late and you looked back up at Yuta.

"Can I ask you something?" You asked Yuta. He nodded.

"It involves a verbal response though," you mentioned. He nodded his head to signal you to go ahead.

"These past few weeks you had been so uptight about doing your job and not talking to me, why is today the day you decide to interact with me? Not only that, but you left your spot where you always stand and you're actually eating in front of me."

Yuta sat forward and intertwined his fingers. "Your father called me and he asked me how I was doing. He's a pretty caring man and I was really surprised when he asked if I was taking care of my own needs. I am a man of truth so I told him what I have been up to. Although the bedroom and restroom were built for me, I was not going to enjoy them if your father didn't first give me permission. He asked me how was our relationship turning out and I told him I hadn't spoken to you once. He was shocked at how many weeks passed by and we hadn't spoke but he encouraged me to talk to you. I had no problems with you, I just take my job seriously."

You nodded your head, impressed by everything he said. You were also mesmerized by his voice. He finally said more words than you can count on your fingers and honestly, you really didn't want to stop hearing his voice.

You took a deep breath, knowing what you wanted to say but not knowing how to say it. "Listen, about earlier. I know you said it was okay, but out of respect, I need to give you a better apology. This is embarrassing for me and I know it really caught you off guard. I should've been doing that in my room rather than the living room. I'm really sorry you saw what I was doing."

Yuta lightly laughed and you looked up to him. He was smiling and then he spoke. "It's really fine. I get it. We have needs to tend to and we are first and foremost, humans. It was actually kind of hot to know what you were doing."

Your eyes widened at his response and you felt the temperature in the house rise by a few degrees. You could feel your cheeks and ears getting hot and you quickly looked away to hide your fluster. Again, Yuta laughed at your silent response.

"It's getting late now and I think we should go to sleep. I haven't had a decent sleep in three months," Yuta said.

You nodded and quickly got up from your chair and threw your trash and Yuta's trash away.

"Okay well I'll see you tomorrow," you said to him. He nodded his head and watched as you turned around and walked up the stairs. Once you were in your room with the door closed, you let out a huge sigh of relief, not knowing how irregular you were breathing. You could sense a sexual tension rising between the two of you, but you could never make the first move. Although your confidence can drive you to say certain things, you didn't have enough confidence to take action.

You threw yourself on your bed and checked the time on your clock. It was already midnight and you were thankful for how late it was because although you took a nap earlier, you were tired.

The next morning, you decided to call downstairs to the grocers to buy more food for the house. Since Yuta was now eating, you knew you had to order more food and enough for at least a week. Just like routine, Jaehyun answered the phone and you told him the list of food you wanted.

"I'll be up in about an hour," he said before hanging up.

You decided to do a few chores around the house to keep yourself busy until Jaehyun came up or until Yuta woke up. Nothing was really messy but you cleaned whatever was visible. The kitchen was cleaned thoroughly, you mopped, dusted, did some laundry and tried to clean as much of the tall windows as you could. Eventually, the elevator dinged, indicating that Jaehyun was coming. You scanned your keycard to let him up but when the elevator doors opened, an unfamiliar man stood there with your groceries.

"Um, who are you?" You asked him. He was really good looking but his good looks didn't make you any less suspicious.

"I'm here to bring you your groceries," he stated.

"Where's Jaehyun?" You asked.

"He had something to do so I offered to take these up to you."

You nodded your head, giving him the okay to come inside. "Jaehyun usually puts the groceries away."

The man nodded as he was bringing the food in from the elevator.

"Let me know when you're done. I'll be upstairs putting away some laundry," you told him. He nodded in understanding and with that, you grabbed your laundry basket from the wash room and went upstairs to your bedroom.

You began separating your clothes. The ones that needed to be hung up, the ones that needed to be folded, your underwear, socks and miscellaneous particles were all separated into their own groups. You began putting them away and before you knew it, all of your clothes were stacked neatly inside your closet. As you were putting your clothes basket away in your storage closet, you heard your bedroom door open. You assumed it was the grocers man telling you he was finished.

You heard your bedroom door close and lock and out of confusion, you walked back out to see what was going on. The grocers man was standing at the door staring at you.

"Uh, can I help you with something?" An uneasy feeling washed over you body, as you watched the man stand in front of your now locked door.

"Actually," the man spoke. "You can." He smiled at you but it wasn't a regular friendly smile. He took a step towards you and your instinct told you to take one step back. He continued to walk towards you and before you knew it, the back of your legs hit your bed.

"What are you doing? You do know I have a watchman in my house, right?" You told him.

He laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, but where is he now? He's asleep, isn't he? Yuta, the man that should be watching Felix Reyes' daughter, is dead asleep and he won't be able to hear anything."

The last part of the mans sentence made your heart race even more than it was before. You looked at your surroundings, searching for a clear path to leave your room and run downstairs, but he was blocking the only pathway to the door. He noticed what you were doing and laughed.

"You're not going anywhere until I feel like I'm done."

"Why are you doing this to me?" You asked him.

"Because your dad owes me money but for some reason, he thinks he's too high and mighty to pay me back. I told him I would get him where it hurts the most; can you guess what that is?" He slowly reached into his back pocket and took out a large silver object. He pressed a button and you realized that it was a switchblade.

"Wait," you said with your hands in front of you. "I have money. What if I give you the money?"

The man evilly smiled and laughed. He continued walking towards you and your feet brought you to try to run around him. You were mere inches away from your door before he grabbed you by the waist, threw you over his shoulder and carried you to your bed. He threw you down and instantly climbed on top of you. You began throwing your fists, trying to aim for his face but he kept moving. He got ahold of both of your wrists, pinned them above you, and put the knife to your neck.

"Keep moving and see if I don't slice your neck and leave you dead on your bed," the man threatened. Tears began to run down your face as the coldness from the blade stung your skin.

The man, sitting right on top of you, began to scan your body, and you wriggled in hopes that he would get off of you.

"Please, don't hurt me," you begged him.

"I won't sweetheart," he said, sliding the knife across your cheek. "What I plan on doing to you, oh I promise you'll enjoy it."

The mans breath fanned your face and although his breath did not smell, you felt like you were about to throw up. His body odor made your head spin and you became nauseous and numb at the same time. You shook your head, not wanting this to happen to you.

"You have a fucking hot body," he said. He dropped the knife onto your bed and used his hands to grope your body. His large hand roughly grabbed your breast and you cried out in pain. Quickly, he placed his hand over your mouth.

"Make anymore noise and I'll kill you and that man downstairs."

Silent tears continued to run down your face and you wished you could fast forward to when this was done. With your eyes closed, you tried to think of something happy; going back to a time where you were actually happy with your life. It was a time when your mom was alive, before she died from cancer.

Your mind numbed your body and silenced everything around you. Although you couldn't feel or hear what was going on, you knew what was really happening. You continued to lay underneath the large man, no fight left inside your body.

You began to feel like you couldn't breathe. It almost felt like the weight of the mans body was crushing you and you began gasping for air. However almost instantly, the weight was lifted and you opened your eyes. You were no longer seeing the man that was above you but instead saw the white ceiling in your bedroom. Slowly, your hearing came back and shortly followed was your sense of touch. You could hear grunting and loud thumps throughout your bedroom but you didn't have the strength to sit up and see what it was. You had no idea where that man was but you were thankful that he was no longer on you. You continued to look at your ceiling, the white paint making you feel at peace.

"Y/n," you heard someone say. It was very muffled and you were confused. You couldn't recognize the voice and you didn't have the strength to move your gaze to the sound. The only thing you managed to focus on was the ceiling.

"Y/n, are you okay? I need to take you to the hospital."

Whoever was talking to you lifted you up off of your bed and began carrying you out of your room. You didn't know what was going on and slowly, your vision turned black.

"I promised to take care of you and I couldn't even do that," you heard the voice say before your hearing subsided into darkness.

;;

The first thing to wake up was your hearing. You knew you were still asleep but you could hear what was going on around you. You could hear beeping, almost as if you were staying in the hospital. It didn't smell like the hospital though. It smelled like...home.

Normally, hospital beds are hard and uncomfortable, but whatever you were sleeping on was soft. However, you knew it wasn't your bed. You know your own smell and the smell of the blankets and pillows surrounding you, although was not your own, was still very comforting and you couldn't find the reason why.

Your brain was now waking up but your body was still asleep. You tried to tell the rest of your body to wake up but it just wasn't happening. You could smell food and you wanted to get up so badly, but your eyes wouldn't open. Your hands began to twitch, fighting to move. You decided it was pointless to fight with sleep so you stopped trying to force yourself awake and instead waited until your eyes opened when your brain wanted them to.

Before you knew it, you began to open your eyes. You slowly looked around and noticed you were in an unfamiliar yet familiar room. You couldn't pinpoint why the room looked familiar. You began to scan everything: looking at the blankets, pillow, wallpaper, the dresser, closet. It almost seemed as if you had seen the room before.

You slowly sat up and stood quiet to see if you could hear anything outside of the room. It was silent and you could no longer smell the food that you once smelled before. You got out of bed and recognized that you were in pajamas that you didn't know you owned. You approached the bedroom door and opened it.

You walked out of the room and finally realized where you were. You were sleeping in Yuta's room. But how did you get there?

Your feet walked you out of the hallway and into the living room. Jaehyun was sitting on the couch and you stood there confused. You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out. You struggled with your voice and you were confused as to why you couldn't say anything. You tried to call out to him but once again, your voice failed you.

You continued to walk up to Jaehyun and finally he saw you from the side of his eye and looked up at you with shock on his face.

"Y/n," he said. "You're awake."

His words made you stop in your tracks and you drew your eyebrows in. Why would you not wake up?

He got up from the couch and approached you, tears beginning to form in his eyes. He slowly brought his hands up to your shoulders, as if to be cautious, and when he realized you were allowing him to touch you, he brought you in for a huge hug. His arms wrapped around you tightly and he began sobbing into your shoulder. You didn't know what was going on and you had so many questions.

Jaehyun pulled away from the hug and looked at you with teary eyes.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"I feel fine," you managed to croak out. Your voice was completely hoarse and you grimaced at the sound of your own voice. Jaehyun smiled at your reaction and reached down to hold both of your hands.

"Why did I wake up in Yuta's room?" You asked.

Jaehyun's smile faded away quickly and he looked at you with sympathy. "Y/n, do you remember what happened? Do you know how long you were asleep for?"

His questions brought more confusion to you. You shook your head in reply. Jaehyun grabbed your hand and brought you to sit down with him on the couch. He began speaking with a soft voice and as he began to tell you what happened, memories of that day began to flood your brain. He said you had been asleep for weeks and the doctors didn't know why you fell into a coma.

"Yuta tried taking you to the hospital but because of the virus going around, they turned both of you down. However, a doctor came to see you and was so confused as to why you fell into a coma after what happened. His conclusion was that your body was trying to recover from a traumatic event."

Tears began falling down your face. You began to remember vividly what happened that day. The day that Jaehyun was supposed to bring your groceries.

"You were supposed to be here," you told him through a trembling voice. "You were supposed to bring my groceries. Not that man."

Jaehyun grabbed you by the shoulders and hugged you, trying to comfort you. "I know. I should've been there. I should've fought the guy off but he hit me over the head and gave me a concussion. I was knocked out for a few days and I regret every single day for not thinking he was more suspicious when he volunteered to bring your groceries up."

"Where's Yuta?" You asked him. Jaehyun looked behind him and you followed his gaze. There Yuta stood, right by the elevator door, just like he did the first few months he watched over you. You gasped and stood from the couch. You ran up to Yuta and embraced him. You cried right into his chest and continued to hug him. When he didn't return the embrace, you looked up at him. He had a stern look across his face and he didn't look down at you once.

"Yuta?" You called out to him. "Why aren't you looking at me?"

He ignored you and didn't speak. You pulled away from him and stood back. "Yuta? Why are you ignoring me? Talk to me, please,” you begged.

"He's back to the way he used to be, Y/n. He hated how off guard he was that day and he went back to not sleeping, eating and always guarding the door."

You shook your head and continued to cry. "Please, Yuta, don't be like this. Talk to me, please."

He didn't say a word and like Jaehyun said, he was back to the way he was before. You turned away from Yuta and turned towards Jaehyun.

"Where is that man?" You asked.

"Yuta killed him when he found the man on top of you," Jaehyun said.

Frustration was now taking over your emotions and you were upset that Yuta already killed the man. If he was still alive, you'd kill him yourself.

You felt frustrated that you had been raped. You felt frustrated that Yuta was back to the way he was before. You hated that he blamed himself for what happened. You hated that the man was dead already. You hated that you had slipped into a coma for unknown reasons. You hated that you had to stay in the Flower. You hated this virus going on. You hated everything at the moment and you were slowly being filled with anger at everything around you.

Jaehyun left and went back downstairs to the grocers and you were once again left in silence.

;;

A year had passed since the incident and Yuta was still not talking to you. Every few weeks or so, he would switch shifts with another guard that your dad hired so that Yuta could have his time to sleep, eat and take care of his other needs. He never ate the food you made for him, he never slept and he never left his post. It made you upset every time you tried to talk to him and he would ignore you. You were annoyed that he blamed himself for what happened when in all honesty, there was no way Yuta could have predicted what would happen even if he wasn't asleep that day.

You had tried whatever you could think of to sway Yuta. You tried putting delicious food in his face, you tried telling him jokes, tickling him, you tried every possible way to make him laugh. You tried to seduce him and that completely backfired when you got a call the next day from your dad about how he had warned you about seducing his men.

Another year had gone by and you had grown to ignore Yuta. He was acting like a statue in the house, almost like an ornament or decoration. Jaehyun was no longer working at the grocers downstairs and moved onto creating his own business. You lost the only friend you had in the building. The virus had gotten worse and there was no vaccine available. You were practically at home alone.

"Please talk to me. I feel like I'm going to go insane," you begged Yuta. It was your birthday and you hadn't spoke to a single human in a year. "Yuta, please. How much more do I need to beg you to talk to me. It's my birthday and I haven't spoken to anyone in months."

You walked up to him and stood close in front of him. You grabbed his face and smashed his cheeks together, the first skin-to-skin contact you've ever had with Yuta since he started watching over you. You pinched his cheeks and you could tell he was trying his best not to give in to your tactics. Suddenly, Yuta grabbed both of your wrists and held them up. He looked you in the eyes and you could tell he was annoyed with you. He threw your hands down in irritation and then looked away from your gaze.

"That's progress,” you simply said.

The next day, you did the same thing. This time, he didn't stop you. You ran your fingers through his hair. It was now a light brown with blond highlights and it looked better on him than his lavender hair.

"This hair looks really good on you," you told him. You continued to run your fingers through his hair and he didn't move a single bit.

You brought both of your hands to his cheeks and again smashed his cheeks. His pink lips puckered up and you laughed at the face that was formed from smashing his cheeks. You looked down to his lips and you had the sudden urge to place your own on his. You wanted to, so badly, but you didn't know how he'd react. You brought your face close to his, lips almost touching, and Yuta's eyes widened as he looked down at you. He didn't stop you, and when he didn't, you softly placed your lips on his. The kiss was very gentle, you were worried that if you got too carried away, he would push you away. But he didn't push you away and you continued to kiss him.

His lips, although at first were frozen, began to move along with yours. His eyes closed and finally began to mold with yours. The tender kiss created a new hunger within you. You pulled away from the kiss, your breath and Yuta's unsteady, and you took a step away from him.

"All I want is attention from you," you told him. "The security for this building has quadrupled. I don't see the reason why you need to work so hard."

He kept his eyes closed and sighed. He shook his head. "I can't bring myself to lose concentration."

You stood there, his voice almost making you cry, and took in every thing he said. You hadn't heard him speak in over two years and you felt like it was something to throw a celebration for.

"What happened to me in the past, is the past. I've received therapy for what happened and I promise, I'm okay now. And like I said, the security has quadrupled since that day. There is no reason for you to work like a dog. I'm not saying to stop being my guard, all I'm saying is to stop working so hard. Don't ignore me. Give me some type of attention. I will be happy with anything."

Yuta sighed and shook his head. He looked up at you and his face went hard, going back into his security position that he was in.

That night, you promised yourself you won't give up until Yuta is back to the way he was when he first started talking to you.

The next morning, you woke up, showered, put your favorite perfume on, your favorite lingerie and then put a pink silk robe on top of the red lingerie set that you were wearing. You did your hair in large curls and put some makeup on. Today was the day you were not going to quit until something good happened.

You walked downstairs and saw Yuta standing there. The black combat boots with the black cargo pants and black long sleeve shirt he was wearing made your core throb. He had been wearing the same thing every single day for the past two years but for some reason, it was hitting different that day. You approached him with a smile.

"Good morning, Yuta," you said to him up close, making sure he could smell your perfume. "You're looking a little tired. Let me massage you."

You got closer to him and began to massage his shoulders. His muscles were hard and your fingers weren't strong enough to give him a good massage. You continued though, for about ten minutes and then stopped.

"How did that feel?" You asked him. He ignored you.

"I did my hair and makeup today. How do I look?" You asked him. He took a quick glance at you and then went back to staring at nothing.

"I got ready just for you," you told him. You got close to him again and ran a finger from his head to his lips and ran the pad of your thumb over his bottom lip.

"These lips are seriously the best," you told him. "They've created a new desire within me when we kissed yesterday. Now, I don't think I can stop thinking about them."

You saw Yuta look at you but when you looked at him, he looked away. You stood on your tiptoes and brought your lips slowly to his. Not once did he look at you.

Your lips made contact with the corner of his lips and you gave him a gentle peck, your lipstick remaining on his skin.

"Oh! I almost forgot to show you. I'm wearing something new. Want to see?" You stood right in his line of vision, where he was constantly staring, and made sure he was looking at you. You untied your robe and let it fall off of your shoulders but held it around your waist. You could see Yuta began breathing quicker and that made you feel slightly accomplished.

You slowly let the robe fall off the rest of your body, showcasing the red lingerie to Yuta. His eyes widened and you smiled at his reaction. You slowly approached him and noticed his eyes were now following you.

"What do you think?" You asked him. He was looking at you, up and down, and he looked almost hungry for you. You turned around and showed him your ass and softly grinded your ass against him.

"Does the back look okay?" You could now hear his breathing and you giggled.

"Don't be afraid to touch," you told him. You grabbed both of his hands and placed them on your ass. On his own, he began squeezing your ass. He slapped it once really hard, and you jumped and yelped.

"Do you like what you see?" You looked at Yuta over your shoulder. He nodded and continued to massage your ass.

"Answer me out loud," you told him.

Yuta paused for a second and then aggressively brought your body up against his and wrapped his hand around your throat. You smiled and looked up at him from the side of your eye.

"Is this what you wanted?" He said in a deep voice. You nodded, your core instantly throbbing and jumping in excitement for what's to come.

With one hand on your throat, Yuta brought his other hand and slowly slid them inside your lingerie panties.

"This looks so goddamn hot on you," he whispered into your ear. Goosebumps rose all over your body as he got closer to your swollen bud.

He slowly slid a finger across your slit and took in a deep breath when he felt how wet you were from just his hand on your throat.

"Fuck, you're so wet. And from what?" You could hear the taunting in his voice and you had never heard anything sexier.

He brought his now wet finger to your clit, and slowly, he began tracing circles. Your legs instantly bucked and it threw off your balance. Seeing your reaction, he began to go harder. Your legs began to shake and you weren't even close to coming yet. You knew that you wouldn't be able to stand upright when the time did come.

"Yuta..." you called out to him out of breath. "I don't think I can stand. My legs are shaking too much."

He pulled his hands away from you quickly and before you could turn around to face him, he lifted you up bridal style. He walked the both of you into his room and placed you on his bed. He stood at the edge of his bed, staring at you with a hunger that you've never seen before.

"Tell me what you want," he demanded.

That caught you off guard. You had never told someone specifically what you wanted.

"Tell me, or else I won't do anything," he threatened.

You could feel yourself blushing and you internally groaned. This man just had his hand down your underwear yet you feel like it's an impossible mission to tell him what you want.

"I-I want you to make me feel good," you said simply. Yuta evilly grinned and then laughed.

He shook his head. "No, tell me specifically what you want. If you have the confidence to start this, you have the confidence to tell me what you want me to do to you."

He wasn't going to let you get away with not saying it. You closed your eyes, opened them, and looked at him before answering. "I want you to eat me out until I come and then I want you to fuck my brains out until I come again and can't move."

Yuta's eyes dilated that instant and it made him look almost scary. He climbed onto the bed and approached your legs. He laid on his stomach and brought his face close to your core. "Like this?"

You nodded and he placed a kiss on your clitoris through your panties. You could feel the pressure and it made you throw your head back. He continued to kiss you in between your legs and it created a desire that was slowly growing with each second.

"Please Yuta," you pleaded.

"Please what?" He asked. He knew exactly what.

You sucked your teeth in annoyance and removed your underwear yourself, since he wasn't going to do it. He smiled and laughed before going back in between your thighs.

He placed his lips around your clit, and sucked, causing you to buck into his face. He continued to suck and your legs were shaking while your body began to arch from the bed.

"Oh fuck, Yuta, that feels so good," you whispered. He placed a finger inside your pussy and you could hear how wet you were.

"Fuck," you heard Yuta say. He began fucking you with his large finger and continued to suck on your clit. His soft tongue glided against your core of nerves and you could feel your climax approaching fast.

"Yuta, fuck, I'm going to come," you squeaked. He sucked on your clit harder, his teeth gently touching, and you squeezed your eyes shut. Your body convulsed and your legs shook uncontrollably as you gripped Yuta's hair. He continued to play with your clit and you tried to pull away, but Yuta had a grip on your thighs to keep you near him.

"Fuck, that was so hot," he told you.

Yuta pulled away and sat up and waited for you to come to. You slowly sat up and looked at him. His hair was a mess and his lips glistened with your come. He looked sexually delicious and you got up on your knees as well and smashed your lips on his, tasting yourself from his mouth.

Yuta quickly removed his shirt and you began to unbuckle his belt. He removed his shoes and pants and he was there half naked. You could see his erection tenting his boxers and your little friend downstairs started acting up again.

Yuta got off the bed and gestured for you to do the same. "Get on your knees," he said.

You did as he said and he grabbed his belt from the bed. "Give me your wrists."

You gave him your wrists and he used the belt to tie them together. "I want you to suck my cock."

He dropped his boxers to his ankles and his cock flopped out so quick it almost hit you in the face. He looked down and stared at you, waiting for you to start off the blowjob.

You got closer and reached for him. He smacked your hands and you dropped them. "No hands," he said.

You got up higher on your knees and wrapped your lips around the head of his cock. You let your arms dangle below you and tried your best to suck him off.

“Fuck yes, you’re such a good girl,” Yuta groaned as he pulled all of your hair into his fist. You continued to bob on his cock, trying to go as deep as you can. Yuta saw you struggling and grabbed your face and began bucking into your mouth. His aggressive thrusts had you gagging and your eyes watering, so Yuta slowed down and then pulled his cock out of your mouth. He bent over and pressed his lips against yours, using his tongue to taste himself inside your mouth. He pulled away and stared at you.

“Such a beautiful girl, with her makeup running down her eyes,” he said caressing your bottom lip with his thumb.

“Get up,” he said. He helped you get up and he climbed onto the bed. “Ride me.”

Nervously, you awkwardly climbed onto the bed and brought one leg on one side of him and straddled him. Placing your tied up hands on his chest, he helped guide his hard cock towards the entrance of your pussy.

“Tease the head,” he commanded. You began swaying your hips back and forth and allowed the tip of his cock to get wet with the entrance of your pussy.

“Fuck, I know you’re going to feel good,” Yuta said under his breath. He stopped your hip movements with one hand and with the other, he lowered you down onto his cock. The fullness that began to fill you up made you clench around him.

“If you do that again, I might just come inside you,” he said. Your eyes rolled back once he was balls deep inside. You hadn’t had any sexual attention in a few years and this was definitely better than your toys.

“Fuck my cock,” Yuta said. You began bouncing your ass up and down his cock as your chest pressed against his. You made eye contact with him and held it there. Yuta began biting his lip and his eyes rolled back until his eyes shut.

“Fuck, your cock is so good Yuta,” you told him. He opened his eyes and grabbed onto your neck and began to roughly pound up into you. The slight oxygen loss and pleasure filling your body quickly built up your climax and before you knew it, you were shaking and clenching on Yuta’s cock. Cursing under his breath, he thrust harder into you, wanting to feel you clench all the way through. Without a warning and disconnecting, Yuta flipped you over so you were underneath him. His large hand continued to stay wrapped around your throat. He undid the belt that tied your wrists together and freed your hands. Your legs wanted to close on their own but with Yuta in between them, they couldn’t.

“Oh no, I’m not done with you yet. You’re going to come on my cock one more time,” he said. He wasn’t going soft and was aggressively pounding into you. Every thrust knocked air out of you and every time you tried to open your eyes, they ended up rolling back into your head. Your gripped onto his forearm, subtly wanting him to choke you harder.

“Choke me harder please,” you asked him. He smiled down at you and did just as you asked.

“I’m going to come again, oh my god,” you whispered to him. He quickly reached down in between both of your bodies and began rubbing your clit as his cock pounded your pussy and his hand cut some of your oxygen off. You instantly stopped breathing and your gripped onto the closest thing nearby. You arched your back and your legs began to shake immensely. The pleasure that was once little, grew stronger and spread throughout your whole body. Your eyes stood close and your climax hit you hard. Your body convulsed and your pussy clenched hard around Yuta’s cock. You were so immersed with your own climax that you didn’t even know that Yuta’s came as well.

“Fuck,” Yuta sputtered. The two of you came down from your highs and you finally opened your eyes. You looked up at Yuta who was staring at you with a small smile on his face. You smiled up at him and brought his lips down for a kiss. He pulled away and quickly got off of you and let you lay there to catch your breath. As he got off the bed, you noticed several scratches leading from his shoulders to his back.

“Oh my god, Yuta, did I do that to you?” He turned around and you pointed at his back. He turned and looked at his back in the mirror and his eyes widened. He checked out the long scratch marks on his back and then smiled widely.

“I love getting souvenirs,” he said to you. You blushed as he smiled at you and you couldn’t help but giggle.

He walked away into the bathroom and a few moments later, walk out with a rag. He gently helped clean you up, making sure to be considerate of your sensitive area. Once finished, he and you went underneath his covers. You turned to him and cuddled into his chest.

“Are you happy now?” He asked you. You nodded and looked up at him with a smile.

“Don’t ignore me anymore, please?” You pleaded. He kissed you on the head, his lips lingering for a few seconds.

“Okay. I promise, but when I have to be serious about my job, you have to let me. Okay?” You nodded in response and he gave you one more forehead kiss.

After laying down in his bed for a while, he took a deep breath that caused you to look at him. He looked down at you and smiled.

“Ready for round two?”

#Yuta x reader #Yuta x female reader #yuta smut #nct smut #yuta nakamoto #yuta choking #choking #rape #aftercafe #virus #female reader #nct127 smut #yuta nakamoto x reader #yuta nakamoto x female reader

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athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit · 4 years ago

Text

Of Ice and Blood

Part 7

Pairing: Tai'chi Kashharzol (Orc) x Pearl Blackbell (Fem!Human/Reader)

Word count: 2.9k

Warnings: Violence, brief mention of attempted rape (minor character)

Tai'chi gently lets go of your hand as the two of you approached the building entrance, students filing out of the rooms, chattering as they made their way to their next class.

As much as you want to feel the warmth of his hand as he held yours, both of you didn't want to risk any more brash acts, having enough of what had happened in less than a day.

You are tired.

One more jerk approaching you with a snide, insulting remark will send you off into a frenzy of kicking everybody's ass. Your father always scolded you for this, lecturing you about the importance of training your self-control, to not let your temper get the best of you.

Come to think of it, if Tai'chi hadn't stopped you earlier, you would've lashed out at David without a second thought, which will then put you in a bad position, making everything far more complicated.

Worst case, they would have expelled you right away.

Self-control, huh. Should've listened to Papa and worked more on it.

You weren't paying much attention to where you were going as you walked through the slightly crowded halls. You let out an "oomph" as you bumped into someone's...arm?

Your apology didn't make its way out of your mouth as a tall, blonde elf, snapped.

"Watch it, human."

The elf gave an irritant side glance as they passed, looking down at you, literally. Like most elven kind, they were slightly taller than the average human. You scented them, subtle, taking in a smell that confused you. The usual sourness is there, but mixed with something sweet? Perhaps the elf was not a bad person after all. Sweet scents from your experience were good.

Kind, even.

"I'm sorry!" You called out, with enough volume, so they could hear you. Your apology was genuine, with a small smile hidden behind your mask. All you got was a 'hmp' in return.

Hey, at least they heard you. You really didn't mean to bump into them, maybe they didn't see you, in regards of your height.

Which wasn't much.

You turned to Tai'chi, and as always, he was watching you, his gaze soft, his face neutral, but you caught a small tug of his lips before it goes back to his previous expression as you went to your class.

Once you stepped inside, you subconsciously looked for vacant seats in the back. Luckily, there were still a few students when you arrived, the pink pixie and the lizard person catching your attention first. You waved as you pass by where they sat. The pixie waved back, seemingly cheerful with your greeting. The lizard person beside her, however, only gave you a curious eye.

You took your seat, Tai'chi following suit and took his beside you, the chair slightly creaking under his weight. You held your breath, releasing it after a moment when the chair didn't break. Tai'chi hummed in amusement.

A moment later, an old, white-haired man entered, followed by a couple of students in your class. He wore a light grey undershirt, a black vest with a red tie, matching black slacks and shoes, along with square-rimmed glasses.

You didn't see him in the office earlier so you have no idea what he's like.

"Good afternoon, students." The teacher began as he wrote on the blackboard. The class responded to his greeting before he continued with his aged voice. "I am Professor Hurton Flemming. I will be the one teaching you your General Mathematics. We will be..."

You listened to Professor Flemming as he briefed the class on what you will be tackling in his subject for your freshmen year.

"Please raise your hand if your name is called. I would like to know the names and faces of my students under my care this year." He took out what looked like a journal and started calling your names.

Turns out, the girl who shoved you this morning was Tiffany Morai. She did sound and act like a Tiffany, like a bitch.

No offense to the other Tiffanies out there.

Lilia Fontaine, the pink pixie. Her name suits her cheerful and bright personality just from her scent when you passed by. She smelled like an assortment of flowers. You weren't good with figuring out their names but you could hint marigolds, which was abundant where you were from.

The lizardperson, Eznet Novak, you found out right after. You couldn't scent them much, just a whiff of some earthy mineral you didn't know.

You thought back on what Tai'chi had told you in regards of your ability.

I should ask him later.

Eznet seemed apprehensive of you, too. Maybe they don't like humans in particular? Or is it because of your mask? People who wore masks are usually deemed suspicious so it seems.

The blue tiefling and the dwarf from earlier weren't present, you noticed. Perhaps they skipped or went somewhere else, another class maybe.

You looked to your seatmate for help when you missed someone's name. Tai'chi felt your eyes on him and he leaned down for you to whisper.

"What's the elf's name again? I spaced out for a second there," you asked.

"Her name's Arlenre Vinela."

Tai'chi whispered back, tilting his head to your ear. You couldn't help but feel a little shiver run down your spine at his rich voice. You hoped he didn't notice it. You almost forgot the name again.

"T-Thanks."

He huffed out a reply as he sat back in his chair. He briefly gauged your reaction, quite proud when he saw that slight tinge of color on your ear.

The two of you raised your hands in attendance, being the last ones called.

Once the professor was done, he left everyone to use the time left for chit-chat and other things as long as we don't cause problems. He is caring and openminded, you wondered what he's like when teaching actual lessons in class.

Ligh chatter filled the room, some in hushed voices, others in a casual one. You glanced to your right at a group of humans halfway across the large room as you sensed their eyes on you. They grimaced when you saw them and went back to gossip amongst each other.

You try blocking out their scents, letting out a tired sigh when you couldn't, you shut your eyes and attempt to get some rest before anything else happens, resting your head on your arm and desk.

What are the chances that a ball of paper would be thrown in your direction right after?

Pretty high.

The orc saw it flying over and caught it in his fist before it hit you. He shot a glare in their direction, huffing when the students pretended to have nothing to do with the paper.

Tai'chi suspected some worded insult inside, so he chose not to uncrumple it, shoving it inside his pocket instead. He'll throw it once he sees a trash bin on the way out.

You weren't aware of what happened and even if you felt the air move, you wouldn't care much. The day's events were catching up to you slowly, you're pretty sure once you step inside your apartment you'd pass out.

For what seemed like half an eternity later, the bell rang for the last time today.

"...Pearl." You two walked out, Tai'chi slowing down his steps for you as he took notice of your drowsy state.

"Hm...?"

"You are tired."

"Mhm yeah...that I am." You replied, yawning behind your mask. Tai'chi chuckled at this, he found you cute everytime.

"Would you allow me to walk you home?" He offered once the two of you got out of the school building.

You perked up, blinking away rapidly.

"W-walk me home?"

"Yes...? But if you're not comfortable with I unders—"

"No! I mean yes!" you spluttered, "I mean— I-I would like that...you walking me home, Tai'chi." Your little outburst drew some attention, but you were pre-occupied to even bother.

Tai'chi breathed out, "Good. That's good. I would like to talk to you about the, uh, courting, if that's okay with you? If you're exhausted we could talk tomorrow." There was no lie on how your eyes looked, you need to rest.

"Nah, I can pay attention for that," you insisted. "I'd like to know what these courting rituals are, today, so I'll know what to expect...and stuff. I seriously have no idea. I never ever, ever had any...suitors? Yeah, suitors."

Huh, now that you think about your past, you didn't find anyone you were attracted to, much to every other girl's convenience and annoyance when you wouldn't react like them when the "campus sweetheart" walks by, squealing and batting their eyelashes, puffing out their chests and raising their hips. They all acted the same way and you found it confusing why they'd do that, alienating you in the process.

"Not even one?" The orc was secretly baffled and relieved to hear that, but he'd never admit it out loud. Maybe.

"Before you? Hell, there are none. I don't think they know I exist, until I get into a fight with them or if they caught word about my reputation, I guess," you shrugged. "You see, uh, most people don't really like the thought of girls who are strong, and psh...capable of anything else other than being submissive, curvaceous and flirty with those skimpy skirts." You say to him, waving your hand in front of your face. You were out of the gate already, so you head right, Tai'chi an arm's length away to your left.

He grunts as he pondered about how those human men are blind and shallow in their choice of interest. Who would not want a strong woman? One capable of handling herself in undesired situations and protecting others?

The answer to that was obvious.

You remained silent for a while, the rush of vehicles and the buzzing of the city surrounded you as you got lost again in your own thoughts. You saw groups of high school students chatting along as they passed.

Tai'chi would glance at you from time to time, paying attention to your features, your tight braid swaying slightly behind you as you walked, and your hands hidden inside your hoodie. You took a left and crossed the street, and then a right after 8 minutes of walking straight, the area you were currently in was quite deserted in the early evening...

A scent.

You stood still, frozen as your nose caught something faint. Something familiarly bad.

"What's wrong?" Taichi asked, his brows furrowing, concerned as he watched you— why did you stop?

"Tai'chi, do you smell that?"

He inhaled the air around him, catching a whiff of something indecent and awful, he frowned, alarmed when he realized what it was.

Lust and fear.

A distant scream slit through the silence and you bolted.

It took a second for Tai'chi to follow, taking large hurried steps as you ran ahead of him towards the origin of the distress.

When you arrive in a dark dingy alley, you pulled out a pair of nunchucks from your bag, the red and black patterns barely visible in the shadows, your knuckle dusters on your left, fingers gripping them tightly. You saw a young girl, her uniform that of a high school student, similar to the ones earlier. She was held down against a wall by a brawny tattooed arm of a man, his hand slowly trailing up her skirt as the other people with him rummaged her school bag.

"P-Please let me go...!" She begged as she squirmed under his grasp.

"There now, little girl, you and I are gonna have so much fun tonight," he breathed at her neck, humming lustfully as he groped her thighs.

You didn't bother making a sound as you lunged, going for the first one as you whip your weapon and hit the back of his head. This startled him, letting go of the girl in the process as he stumbled back, she only sat there, shocked in place.

"What the fu—" You shut him up with a punch to his gut and another one to his jaw. He drops to the ground, unmoving, you hit him too hard, apparently. Not dead, at least.

You got to caught up on your front that you failed to notice the one behind you.

Shit.

Curse yourself for being such a reckless ass when you're lethargic. You braced yourself for whatever was coming, arms raising up to cover your head defensively.

A second passed but nothing happened, nothing hurt. You opened your eyes when you heard a strangled cry and saw a man, held at his neck against the wall by none other than your orc.

W-Wait he's not my orc!

Tai'chi disarms him and buries the knife into the wall just beside the their face, cracking the concrete in the process. He let out a low growl, reigning the urge to simply snap their neck for trying to hurt you. He glared down at them, the man shaking under his hold, terrified.

Your attention was quickly drawn away by a yell of someone heading for you, seeing a glint of another knife, you dodged as he repeatedly tries to stab. You wrapped the chains of your weapon around his wrist when he swiped, twisting it and making the man scream out in pain. You punched him square in the face, a tooth flying off as he spit blood. He falls down to the ground, just like the previous guy.

You attempt to chase the last one that scampered away. The quiet woosh sounded in the air made you hault. A small brick, you saw, flew over you and it hit the guy right on the head.

Anddd he's out. No, he's not dead. I think.

Tai'chi, (who else would've made that shot?) just saved you the trouble of running again. You doubt you could even reach the guy, you'd pass the fuck out within 50 meters.

You exhaled loudly, your hands on your hips as you let your body come down from another rush of adrenaline.

For like, five goddamn times now. You just can't catch a break today for fuck's sake!

While you were cursing every wicked thing out there, a whimper reached your ears, immediately silencing your thoughts.

Ah, right, the girl.

"P-Please don't h-hurt me." She cried out, her scent was heavy in fear, terrified as she stared at the orc who stood beside a man that lay unconscious at his feet. You ran to her, holding her face in your hands as you force her to look at you. The girl was trembling, her body flinching away when you touched her.

"Shh...shh... It's okay, it's alright, you're safe now. Calm down. Take deep breaths for me okay?" you assured. She nods and does what you say, breathing in and out in repeat until her scent changed slightly, though the fear was still there, her trembling turned into light shivers.

"He's a friend. He will not harm you."

You glanced at the orc, your eyes landing on Tai'chi smiled, which he returned with a small nod.

You helped her stand up and put back her things in the bag. Her phone was still in the area, luckily, the guy must've dropped it when he ran away.

Once that was done, the girl hugged you tight, taking you by surprise. You weren't used to this sort of physical contact, at least in a non-violent way.

"Thank you for saving me. H-How can I repay you, miss?"

"Oh no, no, no need to do that. I only did what was right. Just be careful next time when going home alone okay?"

"I insist, p-please let me repay you!" she pressed and you pulled back to look at her.

"No. Really. It's okay, you're okay now."

"But—"

"How about thanking my friend then?" You motioned to Tai'chi who was leaning his weight against the wall, watching you both silently.

"H-Him?"

"Yes, him. His name is Tai'chi and I'm PearI. I want you to thank him."

"But he's—"

"An orc. Is there a problem with that? No. Now listen here, girl, race doesn't fucking matter." You said as you took her hands and squeezed them. "Everything and everyone has a good and a bad side to them, no matter their kind. Do you remember who attacked you? Humans. Our own flesh and blood. Never judge anyone from what they look like, that and thanking him is enough as your payment."

She stared at you with wide eyes, nodding after a moment when she took in your words. She approached the orc, stopping a few feet away and thanked him, shyly peeking up at his face.

"You're welcome," Tai'chi smiled.

——

Part 8 will be out shortly! The day is not over— and I'm scolding myself for the pacing and I'm sorry...

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bigskydreaming · 3 years ago

Text

I’m writing this scene between Lilith and Bruce right now, and I just cut a whole segue their conversation took because it derailed it too far from where I meant to take it and was more of a meta thought anyway.

So I’m just gonna verbalize it here so as not to waste that thought. You’re welcome!

But purely on a pet peeve note (and this seriously isn’t a response to something I read lately, I feel like people always think that’s what prompts everything I say but honestly, sometimes shit just pops into my head and this is one such instance lol) - anyway like, lemme just express real quick how much I LOATHE the term ‘mindrape.’

Like. Please stop forever with that, sci-fi and fantasy themed media and entertainment. That’s not a thing. Stop trying to make it a thing.

To be perfectly clear, like, the idea of a telepath or someone via some technology or magic being able to go into your head and view or pluck out your most private, carefully guarded thoughts? Abso-fucking-lutely something that can and should be viewed as a violation, in universe.

Its just....not rape. Its literally not.

I honestly do think that the rise of this particular term was because people thought about it and just HOW intimate and personal one’s thoughts can be, especially someone who is used to being closed-off and emotionally guarded, and when trying to come up with a way to describe this that captured the INTENSITY of the violation people were picturing when they imagined this.....that’s how people ended up linking it to rape as a way of conveying just how awful a violation it was?

But like.....rape is a very specific act, is the thing. It has specific context, it has specific catalysts, framing, fallout. Rape has its own name rather than just being described as a violating assault or an act of violation, because rape is a SPECIFIC act that carries its own connotations in our society. And those connotations aren’t something that entertainment should feel comfortable borrowing just to use as like, a benchmark for how awful a completely fictitious concept might be.

Because that dilutes the very purpose of giving rape its own name in the first place. The more its likened to an abstract sense of violation that feasibly encompasses pretty much anything that falls under the umbrella of personal violation.....the less it stands out as notably different from other forms of violation and calls to mind the things that MAKE it different, and thus warrant it being treated differently or approached in a specific way.

And here’s the thing about WHY rape has its own terminology:

First....there’s the fact that whether we like it or not, the simple reality is our society is obsessed with sex. We live in a very heavily sexualized world, where its often difficult to completely separate ANYTHING from sexual connotations. Its easier to make just about anything ABOUT sex than it is to make anything that’s remotely sex-adjacent about something OTHER than sex.

Now combine that with the fact that while rape is about power, and taking it from a victim or exerting it over a victim.....rape is INTRINSICALLY connected to sex. True, rape is not sex, its an act of aggression, not a sexual act. There is no way to engage in rape without simultaneously engaging in violence. There is no way for someone to consent to what is inherently by definition a stripping away of consent.

Rape is not sex. But sex is the VEHICLE by which a rapist takes or exerts power SPECIFICALLY. While at the exact same time, a HUGE part of why survivors struggle so much with getting the support they need in recovery.....is because due to how SEXUALIZED rape is in our society, in our media and just our very conversations of it, most rape survivors face the stumbling block of their assault and violation being viewed as more about sex than it was power.

Essentially, even though on the surface even most people ‘know’ that rape isn’t sex and rape is about power.....lots of people fall into the trap of looking at rape and thinking of it as sex gone wrong, or sex someone regrets, or tons of other thoughts that have more to do with sex than rape. Because from a pretty early age, anyone who doesn’t ALREADY have their own view and awareness of rape....has their view of rape then informed pretty much just by how its depicted and presented in media and entertainment. Where its of course heavily filtered through a very sexual lens.

So even while consciously KNOWING that rape isn’t an act of sex but one strictly of violence, entitlement and power....lots of people still have to contend with and push back against a foundation of it being more closely associated with sex in their minds, as the easily visualized IMAGE of what rape LOOKS like on the surface.....than other things it has more in common with once you look at anything OTHER than the visual of it, such as focusing on the motivating factors for rape and WHY rapists do what they do.

Theft, coercion, other crimes and concepts that more accurately reflect a rapist’s desire to TAKE what they were told was not theirs to take or to just degrade or humiliate someone in the most intimate way possible, or to turn a person’s very body into a weapon against them or to injure someone in a way that is meant to be more lasting or permanent in its effect on a person than just inflicting a physical wound.....any and all of these things have far more to do with why rapists rape than a simple desire for sex.

Rapists don’t rape because its the only way for them to have sex, even. Because even when rape is very much attraction based....its STILL not about just wanting to have sex with the person of their focus....its about wanting to have sex with them even despite being told no, or without giving them even the chance to say no. Even when a rapist ONLY targets a person because of their specific physical attraction to that person and their desires/fantasy to have sex with that specific person and not someone else.....the crime itself is still ABOUT stripping that person of their personhood in order to simply act upon them as the OBJECT of their focus/attraction...rather than any kind of a partner in a mutually beneficial or engaged-in act.

But despite all of that.....ask any non-survivor what springs to mind first when they hear the word ‘rape’....and chances are the resulting thoughts are more instinctively geared towards sex than power.

All of this is directly linked to our tendency as a society to view and treat and even talk about rape in terms of it most commonly being sex that got out of control. Despite the fact that no act of rape was EVER going to be an act of sexual partnership......because the very thing that turns something FROM sex INTO rape....is the MOMENT a rapist determines or feels that sex with a person is off the table or simply not what they’re interested in.....because they either don’t have or don’t WANT their victim’s partnership in what happens. They simply want to take. To steal. To use. To abuse.

Without exception.

Honestly, this got a lot more indepth than I was intending to go when I was just riffing off of a thought that popped into my mind about how I just really don’t like the term mindrape.....but a big part of the problem I have with the term is how indepth you basically HAVE to go in order to fully convey just why the term is so.....not a valid comparison to make to rape, with anyone who doesn’t already have an instinctive or reactive understanding of rape that’s more based on what rape TAKES than with how its usually depicted or talked about, where its in terms of what rape LOOKS like.

Because alllll of the above connotations and how important and central they are to any actual examination or discussion of rape....they simply do not carry over into a concept like someone reading your mind without permission.

Again, its not that such a thing wouldn’t be extremely violating IMO. It absolutely would be.

My point is simply that rape is always a violation, but violations are not always rape. SEXUAL violations are rape. But there’s a ton of ways a person or even something like a law or concept or even a freaking BUSINESS contract can be violated. And these aren’t interchangeable.

Are a person’s most intimate thoughts something incredibly personal, something no one should be allowed to take without permission? Sure. Absolutely. But imagine how else such a scenario could take place even in our real world, without needing a concept such as telepathy to make it feasible. Think about anything from someone reading a person’s carefully guarded or hidden diary or journal where they record thoughts they NEVER expect or want someone else to be privy to. Think about someone being tortured to give up information they’d be willing to give up their life to keep secret. Think about a burglar breaking into someone’s home when they’re not there and going through all their most personal belongings, leaving evidence that some stranger has been there and seen and touched all of that and you now don’t feel like you have the ability to keep anything safe and hidden from others, even in the safety and security of your own home.

Are all of these things different kinds of violation, most of which carry a great degree of intensity and personal betrayal or harm?

Absolutely.

But are any of them interchangeable with RAPE?

Or are they a bit easier to separate from from that concept once laid out to this degree, to see as completely separate and distinct things that may have some overlap but not necessarily even in the same ways or places they’re usually viewed as overlapping with rape as a concept?

Since I began this as a fandom related concept, lemme bring that back for a final thought.

Instead of likening other things TO rape, imagine if we did the same thing in reverse, and likened rape TO other things instead.

In terms of even just Batcharacters.....think about how often its been raised as an actual STORY point, that many Bat characters have shown a willingness or even tendency to cross all kinds of ethical boundaries and illegally surveil someone or intrude upon boundaries in the name of ‘the greater good’ or because they feel the ends justify the means.

Now imagine if all of those instances, no matter how large or small a violation....from a simple breaking and entering job to get inside a Rogue’s secret hideout in order to steal the location of their next crime....to putting bugs and cameras into someone’s home without their knowledge or permission and even just being able to spy on them naked or when revealing extremely personal information while thinking there’s no one else around to hear it, regardless of whether or not that’s what the character intends those to be used for or never actually uses them in that way.....

Imagine if all of THOSE violations were considered, viewed and talked about as not just breaches of privacy but as RAPE, specifically....with any relevant Bat-characters thus by extension specifically being rapists for having engaged in such violations.

And then, let’s flip the script back AGAIN, and now look at those instances where characters intrude, surveil, cross boundaries or invade privacies in the name of trying to save people or prevent tragedies or in the name of that always handy alleged ‘greater good.’

Try using that ‘in the name of [...]’ clause in regards to when and why a rapist rapes, and see how......not good that is. Has any of the above EVER been an ACTUAL justification for why someone rapes someone else? COULD it ever be? I know there’s the fuck or die trope and there’s more than a few variations of it in which one hero is forced to essentially rape another one or someone innocent or else the villain will kill them both, or kill the other person, or something like that....but even then, the actual RAPE is still on the villain or person exerting coercion, so no, not even then is rape being done in the name of saving/protecting someone or some supposed greater good. Its still the villain that’s doing the actual violating, that’s making the CHOICE to set up this scenario and limit the hero’s options to either ‘participating’ or signing someone’s death warrant....and just like sex is the vehicle by which rape occurs, the ‘raping’ hero is in this kind of scenario STILL just being used as a proxy by the actual person with the actual intent and desire to violate and assault the other person, and in being used in such a way, and in an inherently sexualized way themself.....it simply makes the ‘raping’ hero still not an actual rapist, but an additional rape victim of the ultimate villain as well.

See how complicated and messy this all gets, and how quickly?

And especially given that it doesn’t ever NEED to get there, in either direction, since there’s plenty of ways to describe varying types and degrees of violation with specificity, without resorting to ‘rounding up’ to refer to them as rape as a shorthand for expressing it was a particularly intimate or sensitive violation - and without losing sight of the fact that violations that result even in the THEFT of sensitive, personal information or secrets.....still only result in things like pieces of INFORMATION being what’s stolen, rather than someone’s entire bodily autonomy and personal agency.

Anyway, in conclusion the point is really just that we come up with the terms we do for specific reasons, and while language and contexts do evolve, grow, and even wholly change over time for a variety of reasons, it is important to take note of when that happens so we can determine if that change SHOULD be happening or if key contexts or connotations are being left out or overlooked in the process or wake of language changing.

And while I kept my point here limited to the example of rape and ‘mind rape,’ it applies to a ton of other stuff and topics as well. This just happened to be the one on my mind at the moment, but this kind of awareness can and should definitely be applied to a lot of other discussions involving sensitive or emotionally charged topics as well.

We come up with specific words and terms with INTENT. The creation of a specific term or phrase almost always involves having seen a NEED for such specificity in the first place, in order to denote key differences between something and other things it might be similar to but not fully described or encompassed by previously existing words or phrases.

Before treating concepts as interchangeable, we should always take care to make sure that they are, in fact, actually interchangeable.

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letstalkaboutshtufff · 4 years ago

Text

Jon Snow x reader

Pairing: Jon Snow x young reader (platonic)

Summary: reader is a captured wilding and is forced to be Jon's steward. Shes tough and stubborn but one day something happens and her feelings for the crow begin to change.

Warnings: Swearing, violence, attempted assault, mentions of rape. Mentions of blood.

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A/n Hello my loves! Just a quick note about this story. Reader is a young teenager, also her relationship with Jon is non romantic. Hes protective of her like a brother. I hope you like it!

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"Whats your name girl?" you wanted to roll your eyes but refrained as the new commander of the nights watch, barely a man in your opinion tried to be intimidating in a room full of equally unintimatading men.

As dumb as they looked they still outnumbered you like 100 to 1. So you begrudgingly decided to answer.

"Y/n"

The lord commander, or more commonly known as Jon snow the bastard of winterfell, nodded once, satisfied that he finally gotten a word out of you.

"Well y/n, seeing as your people are gone-"

"Dead you mean" you couldn't help but bite out. "You crows saw to that"

Those damn crows had raided your village and slaughtered everyone save yourself.

"You're lucky we didn't gut you along with the rest of those filthy wildlings" one man spat out stepping forward but was halted by the commander, "Enough!"

"We had no choice, they trespassed and started to cause trouble-"

"Trespassed?! That land has been ours for generations, and just because some rich folk came and decided to put up a wall and cast us out, we're the criminals?!" You felt your anger rise again. "We didnt do anything wrong! We were just trying to survive like everyone else in this stupid godsforsaken world!"

The lord commander sighed with fustration, he tried to have patience, after all she was more or less a child. Well a child with the mouth of a 40 year old sailor.

"I'm sorry y/n, but there are rules, and they broke those rules"

"Rules?" You scoffed, "And who decided on those rules hmm? Certainly not the people who lived here, so tell me Snow, why the hell should any of us listen to rules that were forced on us?! In our eyes you are the enemy. We were just people, trying to not starve and freeze to fucking death and you slaughter us like animals!" You felt the burn behind your eyes as you remembered the screams and smell of blood. But you would die before you cried in front of these heartless butchers.

"I'm sorry that you had to witness it, but you have a choice to make now" he looked into your eyes with seriousness. "You can either be sent back beyond the wall or..." he paused hesitantly, "you can serve as a steward here"

You almost laughed, "Are you drunk Snow?!? Or do you actually think those are fair options?"

"Considering I'm already bending the rules by letting you live, yes I do" he said firmly.

You let out a humorless laugh, "So you think throwing me into the wilderness alone is fair? Or I suppose making me a slave to the nights watch is somehow better?" You glared at the men around you. Half of them fithly pigs who would no doubt use you whenever they got the chance.

"No harm would come to you if you stayed, of this you have my word. And you wouldn't be a slave. You'd be my steward."

But I wouldnt be allowed to leave, so a slave... but it's either that or what's beyond the wall.. I wouldn't last a day alone... after a while of silently debating I looked up into the killer's eyes, and sealed my fate with a nod.

************************************

The first week was hell. All you wanted to do was murder every crow you saw.

If you had poison you would've wasted no time spilling it in the stew you had to carry to commander stupids room every evening.

He acted like he cared, asked about if you had enough to eat and if anyone had been bothering you. But you ignored him. He was just trying to get you to trust him, and then he would turn on you. It was all a sick game, you were sure of it.

Another few weeks passed in a similar manner, he gave up on trying to make conversation which you were ever thankful for.

Not having anyone to talk to was the worst part. Your days were horribly dull. You cleaned, did laundry, prepped meals and repeat. Other than glares no one had messed with you which you were kinda disappointed in to be honest. You would take any excuse to blacken and bruise those ugly mugs of theirs...

Apparently the gods had a sense of humor because the next day you found yourself cornered by two of them.

"You should be on your knees thanking us girl" one of them sneered.

"We coulda left you for dead with those other savages but we didnt. And all you've been is given attitude."

"It ain't right"

"No it ain't" they agreed.

While they yapped you were mentally figuring out how you were gonna fight your way out of this one. Three against one wasnt exactly fair, and it's not like snow let you carry around your weapons. And the fact that you were far away, gathering firewood when they cornered you wasn't ideal.

Ugly man number one tsked when he saw your wandering eyes, "no use screamin girl, no ones gonna hear you"

"What the fuck do you want, the sooner you tell me, the sooner I dont have to look at your ugly faces" you couldn't help but want to anger them.

The bald one shoved your shoulder against the wall, on instinct you swooped your arm over his and brought it down, severing the hold and then you kneed him in the groin...hard.

"You bitch!" He faltered and you took that opportunity to try and get away. Ugly number 2 grabbed the cloth of your shirt and pulled back but you quickly shoved an elbow hard into his face.

While you were distracted, the third man, let's call him horse face, pulled your hair harshly until you were tumbling to the ground with a grunt.

It didnt take long for the other 2 to recover and help horse face pin you down. P

A deep rooted panic spread across your body. "Get the fuck off me!" You tried to hide the fear in your voice as you thrashed.

"Shut up wilding whore!" You heard the sharp smack before you felt the pain blossom against your cheek.

"You got the mouth of a slut, now let's see if you've got the body of one" your eyes widened and you felt a rough hand slide under your tunic.

"S-stop it! I swear I'll kill-" he shut you up with another sharp slap. You could now taste copper in your mouth.

"I swear to God if you say one more word I'll cut out that sharp tongue of yours" he pulled his knife out of its sheath and pressed the cold metal against your cheek. You winced as he pressed in and you knew he had broken skin.

You tried to be strong but you were terrified. These men were going to rape you and you didnt have the strength like you thought you did to stop them.

You closed your eyes praying to whatever gods were out there that this would not happen. But the gods were cruel. They had allowed the crows to wipe out the only people you had to call family. No they weren't yours by blood, but they had taken you in and cared for you. Taught you how to hunt, how to fight, and now this is how your life was going to end.

"That's a good girl" he took your silence as compliance and started to kiss down your neck.

You shivered in disgust and fear, one hand placed firmly on your neck keeping you in place and the other was exploring beneath your shirt.

You didnt want to give up, you wanted to fight. You didnt want to be raped and killed. How would you ever face your family in the after life if you didnt put up a decent fight. Taking a deep breathe , with the risk of losing your tongue looming in your mind, you clenched your fists and let out your last shred of hope,

"GHOOOOOST" you hoped the wolf you had come to befriend could hear through the walls.

"WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU" he clamped a crushing hand over your mouth.

"W-we should g-go, what if that mutt heard?" Horse face looked around nervously.

"Shut up Pud, no way that he can hear all the way in here"

"But-"

"Oh for god sakes, hold her down and be quiet!" He motioned for horse face to clamp my mouth shut instead whilst he began unbuckling his trousers.

"Before I cut that pretty tongue of yours, I'm gonna see how it feels around my c-AHH FUCK" a giant streak of white crossed your vision.

"HELP YOU IDIOTS, DONT JUST STAND THERE, FUCK!" You heard growling and tearing sounds.

The mens hold on you immediately loosened and you took that chance to sit up and see what the hell was going on. And when you saw the familiar white fur and black eyes you almost cried in relief.

Ghost had launched himself at your assailant and was currently biting away at his arm. The other two turned tail quick and made for the door, thinking they could escape, but what they did not expect was a very angry lord commander blocking their way.

"Ghost" he called back his wolf who growled at the men before walking back and standing beside his master.

You couldn't tell whose eyes were more threatening, the wolf, or the bastard wolf..

Before you knew what was happening several crows flooded the room and arrested the bleeding man and his friends.

The commanders attention was now on you. You rolled onto you knees and tried to stand up but found that someone had traded your legs for jelly cakes.

"Y/n" you immediately looked down, not wanting him to see how afraid you were.

You were surprised at how soft the commanders voice was now compared to two seconds ago when he ordered they be taken to the prisons. "Are you alright?" He knelt down in front of you and reached a hand out to your face.

You flinched and he hesitantly pulled back, "Its alright now, your safe, please... let me help you" he said almost pleading.

You don't know what came over you but something was telling you that it was ok to trust him so you nodded.

This time when he reached a hand to lift your face up you didnt pull away.

You met his eyes and found anger and regret in them, "I'm sorry"

You were instantly confused, "For what?" You questioned as he continued to inspect your injuries.

"I said that no harm would come to you, I shouldve kept a closer eye on you" he apologized with a look of deep regret.

You didnt know what to say. Why was he being so nice to you?! It didnt make any sense, weren't the crows supposed to be the bad ones? But he saved you...well ghost did lead them to you so you really should be thanking him but...

You didnt really know how to respond so you just stayed quiet. He moved to help you up, gentle hands supporting you. When it was clear you couldn't stand on your own he asked if you would let him help you to maester aemon.

Reluctantly you nodded and was surprised when he swooped down and gently lifted you up like those dumb princesses you heard about in fairy tales.

You thought he was just gonna help you walk with a slung over arm or something.... if you weren't so exausted you probably would've been way more embarrassed.

Wordlessly he carried you through the halls and into Maester Aemons infirmary. He set you down on the bed with care and said he would be back to check on you later. The maester was already by your side examining your injuries.

You dont know what came over you, but before you knew what was happening your mouth opened and halted the lord commander through the door.

"Thank you snow..." you were glad he was facing the door, you were sure your face was bright red.

But if he had been facing you, you would've seen his smile.

Maybe not all the crows were so bad after all...

********

Ok soo it was kind of short I know, but my idea was for this to be a sort of prologue to a mini series of Jon and the reader. Please let me know if that's something you guys would want! Thanks for reading🥰

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wu-sisyphus-gang · 3 years ago

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Motion Sickness Chapter 68

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It was one of those old crush dreams. And I could tell it was a dream. It had Weiss in it and she was wearing her old Beacon era outfit so I knew it was fake. That it wasn't real. It put the dream in that odd category of semi-lucid.

I was dealing with the Boarbatusk in Ports's old classroom. I was using my old sword. I felt small as I fought it.

"Save that kid!" Weiss shouted down at me. It was disorientating like she was shouting through molasses. "Jaune, save him."

I turned away from where she was alone in the seats calling to me. There was this kid down in the pit with me. I couldn't make out his face. It was that kind of dream. Colors blurred and I slew the professor's Boarbatusk.

Instead of dissolving into ash it turned into a matted mess of worms and centipedes. They overran the kid who called out something as a centipede slid over his wrists and locked tight.

I took a step forward but my legs got wrapped up by one of the Grimm worms. It wrapped over my flesh and the slime it left behind stung me.

A centipede wrapped around both my wrists and locked tight. It looked at me. It made a smug, Grimm face at me.

I tried to scream as the bugs ran over my body.

I woke up trying to scream but it only came out as a meek groan. I couldn't move and my wrists and legs still burned where the bugs had touched me.

I was awake enough to know what I was going through. Sleep paralysis, they called it. I drooled on myself a little and couldn't shut my mouth as I lay in the cot they'd stuck me in.

I waited and eventually I was able to move again. I sat up. An orderly came by in the hospital. They had to check on us every thirty minutes just in case one of us tried to commit suicide. That was the kind of ward I was stuck in. It seriously sucked.

I stood up, tired of being watched from the doorway when the nurses came by. They hadn't taken my armor or my huntsman clothes. That told me that they wanted me comfortable. Just so long as I wasn't dangerous.

I was still dangerous. I had my gods damn semblance. Nothing could take that from me.

I striped the clothes off and hung it all next to the sink as I stepped into the in suite shower and washed myself down. I felt fucking disgusting and my dream had left me shaking. My wrists and legs burned still.

Sleep didn't even hit the same anymore.

I couldn't trust it. I couldn't trust in my mind while I rested. I wasn't allowed to rest. It fucking sucked. Plus they took my weed from me and I hadn't had the chance to talk to a doctor who could prescribe something real for me.

All I had was reality. Cold and sober even in the hot shower. At least Neo could bust me out anytime I wanted, basically. They'd taken my scroll too so I couldn't call her but she'd be around. I might just take her up on it, too.

They had me locked in this place. This hospital had us under watch from the doorways at all times even through the night so my rest wouldn't have been restful even if I didn't have the nightmares.

I scrubbed at my eyes hard and thought about the people I was doing this for. Ruby. Weiss. Yang. Blake. My old friends. I had to give this a try otherwise I was a coward. Otherwise I wanted to be sick.

I picked at the inside of my ear as I stood in the shower. I could feel things crawling around beneath my skin. The shower water pounded against the ground and with it came the whispering sound of Mother's voice.

“Come to me… lend me your strength…”

I shuddered.

“I have a favor to ask you, child. Run. Run away.”

I wanted to slam my head into the shower tile wall. I hosed myself off with the little soaps they'd provided me and tried to relax as best as I could. It wasn't working so great. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to die. I wanted to see my friends.

My feelings were all bottled and mixed up into a hue of utter nothingness.

It was still fairly late and I was sure I wouldn't get any more sleep tonight. Nothing good would happen to my thoughts if I did. That was when she got me. While I was sleeping I was vulnerable to her.

I was so fucking unsafe and had been for a long time. A month or more. Ever since that day I'd murdered my own friends nothing had gone my way. The things I'd learned about myself only dragged me down.

I hated it. I hated being alive. For the thousandth time I cursed Merlot who'd doomed me to this existence without a care in the world. My creator… I would make him pay. He would suffer for bringing me into this world and dooming me to be tortured so. I could feel her fingers on the surface of my mind.

They were surgical and touched me so gently but they were there, digging deep into my thoughts like tentacles. It would feel so good to give in to them. It could be everything I ever wanted.

"Mr. Arc? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I called out to the nurse outside of the bathroom. "I'm the same as I've always been," I whispered in a quieter tone.

I could get through this. I was a hunter damnit. That meant something to me.

Does it?

The voice questioning me was my own. And it had a good point. All my dreams about being a hunter were fake. It was as fake as my name. It was given to me by an alien goddess.

She was working her way into me. She was breaking me down. I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep it up. It felt like water against a rock. Eventually it would erode. Except the rock was my mind. It was my psyche pit against hers.

"Can I get you anything Mr. Arc?"

"Something to help me relax and sleep?" I asked back.

"Just a moment." The male nurse walked away. He came back and placed a pill on a counter. "It's Clonazepam, just let it dissolve under your tongue. It should help with anxiety and sleep."

"Thanks," I breathed.

I stepped out of the shower and dried off. I savored the rough feel of the towel against my skin. The cloth was low quality and boy it felt good. I took the pill and let it dissolve under my tongue. It was incredibly sweet to the taste. I swallowed.

I immediately felt a little more relaxed but it was a bit more relaxed about being mind raped. There was only so much the drugs could do, surely. I was in it for real and I was in deep.

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"So tell me about what brings you in here Mr. Arc." My counselor was a woman. Middling height with brown hair and green eyes. She looked trustworthy. A strong jaw and high cheek bones made her classically good looking, too. She was maybe fifty, maybe a bit older. She didn’t have the good looks of a hunter, though.

Dr. Caulbaugh was her name. And after a short introduction I was supposed to share with her my deepest darkest secrets. It was necessary for this thing to work.

"The general didn't tell you anything?" I asked. We were locked alone in a room. If I so chose I could rip her in half. Probably not a good sign that I was thinking like that. But I was.

"No, he didn't. It's up to you what you share with me. But the more honest you can be the better we can make things for you." She smiled at me and picked a pen at the corner of her mouth. An actual pen as opposed to a data pad.

"And you work with hunters?" I asked.

"Primarily. My background is in trauma victims. The overlap, I think, would surprise you."

“Not really.” As far as trauma went hunters had to be up there. Between killing people and watching their friends die day in and day out there was a lot of trauma to be had. I maybe knew a thing or two about that. I nodded and flushed out my half cape in the chair. I swept it behind me."That's why you lot let me keep my armor and clothes."

"Hunters are more comfortable in their wear. And armor isn't exactly a threat." She smiled again, trying to disarm me. That's the real reason she let me keep my cloak, armor, and clothes. That's the real reason I wasn't in a gown.

I kept nodding anyway.

"Please, tell me about yourself, Mr. Arc."

"My father was a test tube and my 'mother,'" I gave the word quotation marks. "Was an incubator. I was created in a laboratory by a scientist named Merlot from the genetic material of a woman named Salem. My other mother."

"You're serious?" Her jaw dropped a little. It shouldn't have been outside the range of possibility. Especially in a technophilic place like Atlas.

I nodded again.

"Okay." She started writing.

"I'm biologically twenty but I'm chronological three or four."

"Oh my gods." She swore a little. She seemed a little shocked. I had been too, though. So there was that.

"Yeah. I joined Beacon academy when I was 'seventeen.' I was there when the academy went down. My partner was killed in the action. Her name was Pyrrha."

"Okay." She murmured scrawling at her clipboard.

"I killed for the first time maybe nine months after that. I just ripped this bandit in half."

"How many people have you killed?"

"I've lost count. Maybe a hundred. Maybe more," I confessed. "A lot of people."

"Okay. Alright." She kept writing frantically. "You're very young to have such a high body count."

"You've met other four year olds with a higher body count than me?" I laughed.

"N-no." She mumbled. She picked the pen at the corner of her mouth. A nervous habit, maybe.

"Sorry. Bad joke."

"No, please go on."

"I was there when Haven was attacked. A month ago or so. Not sure if you heard about it."

"I hadn't…"

"I'm sure some details are classified. But while I was there my Mother, Salem took control over my mind. She made me kill two of my friends."

"You mean, like with a semblance?"

"Kinda," I shrugged. "I bet details about my Mother are classified above top secret. I'm sure I can't share much with you."

"That's alright."

"And ever since then I've had tactile, visual, and auditory hallucinations. I hear her voice. I see shadows. I feel bugs crawling around in my face and in my eyes."

"I see. I see. Then what happened after Haven?"

"I found my 'father's' laboratory. That's where I learned the truth about me. I had fake memories, you see. Then I came here."

"From Mistral?"

"I snuck into the country. Report me."

"I'm not going to report you."

"I was so worried you would," I said facetiously. "So what do you think, doc? Do I have PTSD?"

"Almost certainly," she was still writing very quickly. "Mr. Arc you have quite the tale to tell."

"Do I make your list of top ten weirdest patients or what?"

"You just might." She laughed. "Have you ever tried to take your own life?"

"Just after I killed my friends at Haven I tried to kill myself."

"What happened?"

"Couldn't focus. My aura wouldn't let me." I squeezed a fist as I recalled the memory. I inhaled deeply and tried to relax like I was about to try it again now.

"I see. I want to run through some mood scales with you. Is that alright?"

"Sure." I shrugged. I had no idea what those were.

"Now I want you to tell me if you've experienced these things over the past month. If you've experienced it all of the days, most of the days, half of the days, a few of the days, or none of the days."

"Shoot."

"Feeling down, depressed or hopeless?" She asked.

"All of the days."

"Feeling like a failure, like you've let yourself down?" She went on.

"All of the days. My father classified me as a failure of an experiment, even."

"Feeling like you'd be better off dead or having thoughts of hurting yourself?" She was unrelenting.

"All of the days."

"Poor appetite or the reverse, over eating?"

"A few of the days."

"Poor sleep or the opposite, getting too much sleep?"

"All of the days."

"Which one?"

"I have nightmares from Mother. I can't sleep. I'm even afraid of sleeping. She gets me while I sleep."

She wrote notes on her clipboard. "How have you been sleeping since you arrived?"

"Poorly."

"Okay, I'll prescribe you something for that. Next scale. Moving too slow, to the point someone would have noticed or the opposite, being more fidgety than usual?"

"None of the days."

"Fear or worrying about a great many subjects?"

"All of the days."

"Well Mr. Arc…"

"What? Never had a mind controlled patient before?"

"I can't say that I have. It seems to me you don't believe I'll be able to treat you."

"That's because I'm not actually crazy. I have someone else in my head."

"I don't think you're crazy Mr. Arc. That's not what PTSD is. I'm going to get you started on some of our atypical antipsychotics. They'll help stabilize your mood and you should notice the effects immediately."

"Which one?"

"It's called Asenapine. Have you heard of it?" She asked.

"No." I shook my head. I hadn't heard of any of the medications. I was no expert. My brain was in this woman's hands. I had to just trust her.

"Well it should help stabilize you. I want to run a genetics test on you to see which medications you'll respond best to in the meantime."

"I'm willing to bet my genetics are classified."

"Because of your origin?"

"Yeah. Because of my creation."

"Well I'll see about getting through on those. In the meantime I'm keeping you on Clonazepam and Asenapine."

"And you think that'll help?"

"Well it's not an exact science but we should be able to find a medication combination that works for you," she returned.

"We'll see, doc. I'm told you're who I should talk to about being released. About getting my weapon back, too."

"You hunters are all about getting your weapons. You're not ready to leave here, Mr. Arc. I'm putting you in for a three day hold."

"Three days?"

"Three days minimum. It's my professional opinion that you need serious help. You don't need a weapon in your hands right now."

"I could be doing real serious good. I could be saving lives."

"You could also be taking them."

"That's the job. That's what hunters are for. Let alone what I am for. I was made to kill people. I think. I’m not sure."

"You mentioned your friends. What were their names?"

"Ren and Nora." She looked over her board at me, looking deadly serious.

"Unless you want there to be more like that you'll remain calm and go through the therapies I recommend."

"Very well."

"You still seem doubtful. That sort of obstinacy is counter productive to your treatment. A large part of it is your belief."

"I'm being mind controlled. There's no cure for that. And the things I am? Where I came from? That shit's permanent."

"This mind control event is where your psychosis started? It's why you resorted to marijuana?"

"Maybe. There might have been psychosis before.."

"Then let us help you Mr. Arc. This isn't forever. You'll be back out in the field. It's my firm belief that your stay here is temporary. Have faith in the treatments. I think we can make some serious progress with your psychosis."

"I agreed to this in the first place."

"Then have faith. You're not doomed, Mr. Arc."

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-WG

#rwby #ff7 #ffvii #motion sickness #white rose #whiterose #white knight #whiteknight #lancaster #war of the roses #jaune arc #ruby rose x jaune arc x weiss schnee #cloud strife #cloud!jaune arc #sephiroth!jaune arc

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