#Serious Authoring (Shitposts)

[ariadne-mouse]

Alert: this is a very stupid post and not to be taken seriously.

So when it was revealed the first attack on Keyleth was Ludinus trying to test drawing out Vax, folks were pointing out that Ludinus would have had to stay up to date on Vox Machina romances in order to have the information to make that plan, which is very funny. I posit an additional hypothetical: if the preliminary attack had accidentally been fatal for Keyleth herself (I say accidentally because Ludinus would want to wait to execute the plan in full later, so wouldn't have killed her then) then Ludinus would have lost his bait and would have to figure out another way to draw out Vax.

And you know what that means. Matchmaking. Get the sad bird man to fall in love again so he can threaten the new person. Ludinus using every iota of his skill in manipulation and patience and influencing of events to set up Situations, and he needs it because as a celestial champion Vax is not just walking around into your average coffee shop. He becomes the king of tropes. He reads trash romance to get ideas and runs into Caleb at a naughty book store in Rexxentrum and it's very awkward for both of them. With centuries of experience and villainy, HOW has it come to this-

[brownhairedbookworm]

So I don't usually talk about game canon stuff on this blog because I'm doing My Own Shit.

But I just find it really funny that Monika calls herself a "high school devil" on Twitter like

girl no

Even considering the meta angle of "she's doing all the villainy in the main game" it's just... Like she fails. Monika loses.

I think the devil thing is more about how she's a chronic schemer. But here's the thing: Monika has never canonically had success with any of her complex plots. Or even a simple plot. Everything she's ever attempted to meticulously construct and execute has been either a general failure or severely embarrassing.

[wow-an-unfunny-joke]

Fyodor doesn’t celebrate his birthday (too many candles, it makes him feel old) but he does celebrate the anniversary of his last death

[strangeauthor]

all my serious posts get way more notes than my shitpost i guess im just not funny lol

[gothamcityneedsme]

Which authors you're going to kill next? (My not a very good joke)

Well if I'm being honest, Drew Karpyshyn is always at the top of my 'must kill' list because of how god awful the Revan novel is (while also being irrevocably canon and leading into the events of swtor--destroys myself).

More seriously though, my blog title is just a joke for how often I do like to analyze things without necessarily looking for the true author's intent. I very much subscribe to looking at what arguments the text is making in a vacuum--I think it is just as important to view alone and to view with the historical/authorial context.

I got frustrated a lot in college at the focus on the author, because while I do acknowledge that as a vital aspect of literary critique, it just irritated me that I was so often discouraged from making alternative arguments using the text.

[marciliedonato]

Don't ask:

- a man, his salary

- A woman, her age

- And a tumblrina (gn) who they voted for in the nge/moomin poll....

[wintermage]

at yet another juncture in my life where i am making a Serious Attempt to become a Published Author, let's see what ruins it this time

[pastelaspirations]

AAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK, CRRYIINGGGGG, WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON, WAIT

OH MY GOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD, HE'S SO FREAKING CUTTEEEE, MY SHY LIL BABY BOIIIII, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

I'M CRYING, MAN, I'M CRYING. O K A Y. FIRST OFF. I can't stress enough how. Freaking shocked I get when people draw my versions, okay.

AND I SHOULDN'T. I SHOULDN'T, OKAY. I SHOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW.

But n o. Literally every time. Every single time I see one of my bois, or one of my girls if drawn using the official genderbent versions lmao, without fail. I just stare in astonishment and go "OH MY GOSH, THEY DREW THEM EXACTLY AS HOW I IMAGINED THEM-"

....Can you see why this is stupid.

I have the literal, actual, canon reference sheets on my blog. I draw them more often than I don't. I am literally handing the "how to draw my characters exactly as how I see them" on a silver freaking platter, I should not be surprised-

ANYWAY, ANYWAY, HE IS SO FREAKING CUTE. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. WE GOT THE FULLY COLORED VERSION WHERE HE LOOK SO SWEET AND SHY AND CUTE. T H E N, T H E N, WE GOT BROOMIE, ALL GLAMMED UP LIKE IT USUALLY IS. THEN WE GOT SHY INK, WE GOT DISSOCIATING, EMOTIONLESS INK, AND THEN ANGY, "ABOUT TO LET YA HAVE IT" INK✧˖°.

Also just. The lil grinning Ink in the corner. I am w h e e z i n g. He looks like such a scrunkly, happy little goofball for once. He looks like he just told the stupidest joke ever and knows it. So he's just sitting there, grinning and snickering at his own freaking joke like a moron.

You know what, you deserve it, Ink. Freaking laugh at your own stupid joke, let's go, that's so incredibly based ngl-

GUYS GUYS GUYS GOOO read ''Perseverance'' by @pastelaspirations !! ABSOLUTELY beautiful story that had me hooked since the start.

I am so obsessed with this fic and can only ever think about it everyday. At work or at home it is STUCK in my head.

If I hyperfixate on an AU of an AU it means it's GOOODD. READ IT !!!!

[jonnywaistcoat]

What’s your opinion on the contrast between “silly” and “serious” spaces? Do you think people can have very serious interpretations about a genuine piece of media and also be goofy about it? I’m asking this particularly because I’ve seen people in the Magnus podcast fandoms fight about people “misinterpreting” characters you, Alex, and the many other authors have written. Are you okay with the blorbofication or do you really wish the media you’ve written would be “taken seriously” 100% of the time?

And follow up question, what do you think about the whole “it’s up to the reader (or in some cases, listener) to make their own conclusions and interpretations and that does not make them wrong”, versus the “it was written this way because the author intended it this way, and we should respect that” argument?

This is a question I've given a lot of thought over the years, to the point where I don't know how much I can respond without it becoming a literal essay. But I'll try.

My main principle for this stuff boils roughly down to: "The only incorrect way to respond to art is to try and police the responses of others." Art is an intensely subjective, personal thing, and I think a lot of online spaces that engage with media are somewhat antithetical to what is, to me, a key part of it, which is sitting alone with your response to a story, a character, a scene or an image and allowing yourself to explore it's effect on you. To feel your feelings and think about them in relation to the text.

Now, this is not to say that jokes and goofiness about a piece of art aren't fucking great. I love to watch The Thing and drink in the vibes or arctic desolation and paranoia, or think about the picture it paints of masculinity as a sublimely lonely thing where the most terrible threat is that of an imposed, alien intimacy. And that actually makes me laugh even more the jokey shitpost "Do you think the guys in The Thing ever explored each other's bodies? Yeah but watch out". Silly and serious don't have to be in opposition, and I often find the best jokes about a piece of media come from those who have really engaged with it.

And in terms of interpreting characters? Interpreting and responding to fictional characters is one of the key functions of stories. They're not real people, there is no objective truth to who they are or what they do or why they do it. They are artificial constructs and the life they are given is given by you, the reader/listener/viewer, etc. Your interpetation of them can't be wrong, because your interpretation of them is all that there is, they have no existence outside of that.

And obviously your interpretation will be different to other people's, because your brain, your life, your associations - the building blocks from which the voices you hear on a podcast become realised people in your mind - are entirely your own. Thus you cannot say anyone else's is wrong. You can say "That's not how it came across to me" or "I have a very different reading of that character", but that's it. I suppose if someone is fundamentally missing something (like saying "x character would never use violence" when x character strangles a man to death in chapter 4) you could say "I think that's a significant misreading of the text", but that's only to be reserved for if you have the evidence to back it up and are feeling really savage.

I think this is one of the things that saddens me a bit about some aspects of fandom culture - it has a tendency to police or standardise responses or interpretations, turning them from personal experiences to be explored into public takes to be argued over. It also has the occasional moralistic strain, and if there's one thing I wish I could carve in stone on every fan space it's that Your Responses to a Piece of Art Carry No Intrinsic Moral Weight.

As for authorial intention, that's a simpler one: who gives a shit? Even the author doesn't know their own intentions half the time. There is intentionality there, of course, but often it's a chaotic and shifting mix of theme and story and character which rarely sticks in the mind in the exact form it had during writing. If you ask me what my intention was in a scene from five years ago, I'll give you an answer, but it will be my own current interpretation of a half-remembered thing, altered and warped by my own changing relationship to the work and five years of consideration and change within myself. Or I might not remember at all and just have a guess. And I'm a best case scenario because I'm still alive. Thinking about a writers possible or stated intentions is interesting and can often lead to some compelling discussion or examination, but to try and hold it up as any sort of "truth" is, to my mind, deeply misguided.

Authorial statements can provide interesting context to a work, or suggest possible readings, but they have no actual transformative effect on the text. If an author says of a book that they always imagined y character being black, despite it never being mentioned in the text, that's interesting - what happens if we read that character as black? How does it change our responses to the that character actions and position? How does it affect the wider themes and story? It doesn't, however, actually make y character black because in the text itself their race remains nonspecific. The author lost the ability to make that change the moment it was published. It's not solely theirs anymore.

So yeah, that was a fuckin essay. In conclusion, serious and silly are both good, but serious does not mean yelling at other people about "misinterpretations", it means sitting with your personal explorations of a piece of art. All interpretations are valid unless they've legitimately missed a major part of the text (and even then they're still valid interpretations of whatever incomplete or odd version of the text exists inside that person's brain). Authorial intent is interesting to think about but ultimately unknowable, untrustworthy and certainly not a source of truth. Phew.

Oh, and blorbofication is fine, though it does to my mind sometimes pair with a certain shallowness to one's exploration of the work in question.

[joltai-showa]

still thinking about Obito's tendencies to hang upside down so why not talk about something even more funny

now Obito is obviously trolling the Konoha squad in that moment, acting like a complete idiot and weirdo and all, usual stuff for Tobi. Obito is being a weird little bat on purpose, it's all an act

you know who among Akatsuki, a very scary and a totally serious organization, also acted like a weird little bat, but without it all being an act?

allow me to introduce you to the final page of chapter 238

Kishimoto, why is Deidara's first appearance is him being upside down during Akatsuki's zoom meeting?

(which is supposedly the first one in 7 years since Orochimaru ditched them, but whatever, no fucking way these guys can remain semi-organized without a good old online meetup, I do not care for canon's opinion when it conflicts with my funny headcanons)

But seriously, it's been almost 10 years since I read the manga for the first time and there's still no explanation as to why Deidara did that LMAO. Logic dictates that it's simply Kishimoto not finishing up the designs for his new villains (rinnegan's design wasn't finalized until, like, Akatsuki Supression arc, I believe? there's someone TOWERING over Kisame who is 195cm already and at the end of the day remains Akatsuki's tallest member, etc etc), but I've got a PhD in overthinking Naruto details and turning them into shitposts that sometimes also turn into fanfiction, so I will take this one tiny detail and make myself laugh until I cry.

To me this moment is just so precious because it's actually a scene from OG Naruto, meaning that it's pre-timeskip, so Deidara here is only 16. And this just proves to me that Deidara's puberty (there is no exact indicator as to when Deidara was abducted recruited into Akatsuki, but I assume it happened sometime when he was 12, because during his recruitment we see Itachi (and we know that he joined Akatsuki after the massacre, so he was 13 and he's got a 2 year difference with Deidara), Kisame (who, judging by his pre-death flashbacks, joined AFTER Itachi, meaning some time had to have passed since the massacre) and Sasori (who wouldn't have a partner after Itachi joined because Orochimaru just couldn't resist trying to get that Sharingussy, but Akatsuki don't operate on their own in general, so I doubt Sasori would have been left without a partner for a long time, a year max) and during this zoom meeting 16-year-old Deidara speaks like he's very much aligned with Akatsuki's goals and grudges which would be very weird if he joined them against his will just recently, so a year or more would have to pass between Deidara's recruitment and the OG Naruto zoom meeting) was arguably one of the worst things that organization as a whole had to go through because teenage Deidara was JUST BUILT DIFFERENT.

Don't mind the fact that even as an adult he starts tweaking if he doesn't get to explode something every few hours (I would imagine that teenage rage and angst would only exacerbate this issue), but he would also just want to "look cool" and wouldn't listen to anyone in any position of authority AT ALL. Going back to this scene of Akatsuki's zoom call, we can see (and for certain characters assume because once again designs here are kind of wack) that these overly serious members like Pain, Konan, Kakuzu and Sasori are PRESENT and just... don't do anything about Deidara's antics? They just gave up at some point LMAO. And a while ago, I presume.

16-year-old Deidara, proud and puffed up as a lion: You can stay on the ground as boring old men you are, but I'm going to hang upside down today, hm!

Pain, the acting leader of this very serious and lethal organization that for some reason took in a 13-year-old and a 12-year-old because, I dunno, the real leader thought it would be funny, sighing: okay, Deidara...

I also don't believe that it was ever specified how Nagato's zoom jutsu works, but I think Akatsuki's members simply sit in whatever position they want and their projection is different from their actual position which means that. yeah. Deidara does a bat cosplay. because he wants to. baby why are you like that.

but I also like to imagine Deidara actually hanging on the ceiling during the meetup and the gang just going

Pain: Sasori, can't you grab a mop or something and swat him off of there?

Sasori, in the most dead inside voice imaginable: you are not paying me enough to do that. in fact, you would not last a minute in the asylum I'm living in. you can't give me 40 minutes of peace, can you?

honestly props to Onoki for finding a way to both continue using Deidara's skills for his goals (by just fucking paying Akatsuki and calling it a day) and keep the village intact, teenage Deidara just seems like the trial version of what Akatsuki members could expect on their missions. like, if you can't manage the stress of dealing with the (pony)tailed beast, you have no business trying to fight an actual tailed beast.

I'm also thinking that adult Deidara aka Shippuden Deidara would think himself really cringe for doing this shit when he was younger and feels kind of embarrassed in front of the other members (who unfortunately besides Hidan were there to witness his cringe bat phase of growing up in your local terrorist daycare organization), so he's pretty quiet during the zoom meetings when we get properly introduced to him.

That's, of course, until Deidara gets partnered with Tobi.

I can imagine the two of them competing who can last longer hanging upside down and now Pain really can't do anything to stop this bullshit because it's his actual boss and his clueless partner making their own bat nest during their zoom meeting. He just tiredly glances over at Konan who gives him a "I told you Yahiko was right and we shouldn't have joined forces with this guy, but when do you ever listen to me" look.

The gang would be discussing something like Kakuzu and Hidan brutally murdering Asuma (who's Obito's classmate btw and whose mother he already killed a while ago) and trying to steal his corpse to sell for some cash and in the background above them Tobi'll be yelling something like "senpai, watch what I can do" and start turning cartwheels on the ceiling.

tl;dr Obito and Deidara match each other's freak when it comes to doing weird shit for no apparent reason other than to fuck with everyone while on the job. thanks for coming to my TobiTalk

[cleolinda]

Re: Couch fucking

Since people saw “JD Vance fucked a couch” mentioned in the “Tampon Tim: He’ll stop the red wave” post and went “What? JD Vance fucked a couch?,” no, he did not fuck a couch in his youth. The rumor was started by a random shitpost on the service I will continue to call Twitter until the heat death of the universe:

(Archived by Snopes, now view-limited by the author)

@rickrudescalves

can't say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, hillbilly elegy, pp. 179-181)

7:58 PM • Jul 15, 2024 • 1.8M Views

No draft or edition of Vance’s book Hillbilly Elegy ever said any such thing, but the inclusion of page numbers made “JD Vance fucked a couch” look very truthy (file this away as a tactic to look for in other propaganda you see). Neither Vance nor the Trump campaign can fully deny this because that would only draw more attention to the concept of “Vice presidential candidate JD Vance fucked a couch.” In great frustration, a campaign spokesman has finally said,

"We're not going to talk about couches or coconuts or whatever weird fetish KamalaHQ is into. When we have something to say, we'll say loud and clear. If Kamala is a coward, we'll call her a coward. If Tim Walz is a liar, we'll call him a liar.”

JD Vance then proceeded to lie about Tim Walz’s 24-year military record, calling it “stolen valor.”

As much as people enjoyed Walz’s quip that he would love to debate Vance if Vance would be “willing to get off the couch,” I do agree that Democrats should not stoop to such Republican tactics as (off the top of my head)

Telling lies about presidential candidate John Kerry’s military service (which inspired the general term “swiftboating” “to describe an unfair or untrue political attack”)

Claiming that then-presidential candidate Barack Obama was born in Kenya and not an American citizen, which would disqualify him, leading to an entire “birther” movement headed by Donald Trump

Accusing Democrats of trafficking children in the basement of a pizza parlor that had no basement, leading one man who sincerely believed this to “[travel] to Comet Ping Pong to investigate the conspiracy and [fire] a rifle inside the restaurant to break the lock on a door to a storage room during his search”

Claiming that North American schools keep kitty litter on hand for students who “identify as cats,” a “joke” meant to target protections for transgender students

And, as mentioned, splitting hairs over exactly what rank Tim Walz had vs what he retired at, elevating this to a far more serious accusation of stolen valor. In fairness, this is probably revenge for the couch thing.

So yes, I agree, we shouldn’t use the same tactics that the Republicans have been using for decades. It’s tasteless and it does not make us look better. I would perhaps remind you of the saying “Live by the sword, die by the sword,” but yes, we should stop confusing people into thinking that JD Vance fucked a couch. No couch was ever fucked by JD Vance. I endorse this message.

[brownhairedbookworm]

also reblogging here for the phrase "psychic Sayori jumpscare" lmao

Psychic Sayori jumpscare what the fuck

>tfw I've been slowly and subtly hinting at it for a few months and then it only finally came to a head last month when I said it in passing on accident to my girlfriend, so we finally went through with it

Absolutely all for the came back, but came back different trope. So, as far as I and @brownhairedbookworm are concerned, that's what happened! Monika worked so hard to bring her friends back after her mistake and didn't sleep or rest well for two whole weeks to do so. She finally had her breakthrough, but they have all been forever changed since the incident, whether it was meant to be that way or not.

[brownhairedbookworm]

So apparently! DDLC is doing a cafe collab! (I did not expect the cafe in question to be in California actually-)

Anyway here's the menu

Why do I care, since I'll never be able to have any of this?

BECAUSE IF ANYTHING IS "BAPPLES, CINNAMONED" IT'S THIS FUCKING THING.

[centrally-unplanned]

Adam Tooze giving some pitch-perfect pornography targeted at me specifically with Israel's "Gaza 2035: A three-step master plan to build what they call the Gaza-Arish-Sderot Free Trade Zone", capped with an AI generated Gaza-Dubai:

I'm in love, this is so glorious. "The world if Israel could play around with Gaza like a little set of Legos" tell me this is not identical energy:

Except its not a shitpost its an actual report from the Office of the Prime Minister. And folks we have got it all! The most convoluted administration system you could possibly imagine for no reason:

The new free trade zone would be administered by Israel, Egypt, and what the Israeli Prime Minister calls the Gaza Rehabilitation Authority (GRA)—a proposed Palestinian-run agency that would oversee reconstruction in Gaza and “manage the Strip’s finances.”

A cutesy little minimalist graphic of all the brand new industries that will magically become globally competitive in export markets because Israel says so:

The beach resorts are in my beloved!! But what are the little factories you ask? Oh nothing, just electric car production facilities!

Remember, before building your first factory, you need 18 Burj Khalifas. We economists call this "infrastructure development", take notes.

It will have high-speed rail through its center, oil projects on the coast, and of course, I'm saving the best for last - a rail project to NEOM:

 🥳The 🥳Line 🥳Mentioned 🥳

The legend on the map literally just says "a mega project" like, oh yeah, one of those! See em all the time.

Now, you might be asking - Ash, if this is your goal wouldn't you have not destroyed every square inch of habitable urban infrastructure in Gaza and shredded their economy into scraps of paper soaked in blood if your plan was to Singapore-on-the-Sea the place? You sweet summer child, those apartments? They are apartments of the past, darling, you don't need organically developed urban ecologies built over time to compliment human habitation. That is for fucking libs. All of this "war" thing was just set-up to create a blank slate for the construction of The Line 2: Its Definitely Real This Time!

I am going to murder James C Scott myself just so I can hover this plan over his corpse and watch the sheer hubris of this monument to the state's desire for legibility and technocratic solutionism resurrect him from the goddamn grave.

"Well....at least after all this they would have to recognize Palestine as a stat-" Woah woah woah woah, hold on:

The final stage would be when Palestine signs the Abraham Accords signaling “Palestinian self-rule,” albeit without statehood

Lets not...lets not get overambitious here. Baby steps, you know? We have to be careful.

Anyway this is the most ludicrously ill-considered and ill-presented reconstruction plan I have ever seen in my life and I shudder to think that, instead of it being an off-hand drip of propaganda intended solely to brush off nosey reporters and diplomats, it might actually be serious. Bibi hasn't let me down yet on the "thinking things through" front!

But tbc if this was fiction - instead of a ruthlessly grim reality - the Regional Deputy Minister of Trade charged with implementing this technocratic abortion would be my precious little blorbo and I would stan her to hell and back.

[elliottkay]

Hi, I’m Elliott, and writing smut changed my life.

I also write military sci-fi and fantasy and D&D shitposts, but this is about the smut. I promise it won’t get weird. Much.

In 2010, I was scraping by as a substitute teacher and things were not great at home. I had only written gamer fic for friends, my aspiring mil sci-fi novel was stuck, and I needed some sort of escape… and I thought, “Well, I like sexy stories, and Literotica is free, and…”

My story was a feel-good adventure about a college guy with a heart of gold, a jaded demon weary of evil, and Heaven's hottest mess. It was silly. It was sexy. It was polyamorous, warm, and irreverent, and Literotica loved it: high ranking, tons of comments, and holy shit am I getting positive feedback from the internet?

So it became my first book:

…and that book plugged some holes in my life. It didn’t get me out of subbing, but it filled the financial gap, and it picked me up after a break-up. More importantly, it gave me an audience. When I published Poor Man’s Fight, I already had readers, and that led to more readers… many of whom then picked up Good Intentions and loved that, too, though some had the shocking experience of “Oh my god, it’s full of butts!”

If you’ve read this far, it’s probably time for the content warning. I’m a big believer in these, for serious reasons and, um… less serious.

WARNING: “Good Intentions” contains violence, explicit sex, nudity, inappropriate use of church property, portrayals of beings divine and demonic bearing little or no resemblance to established religion or mythology, trespassing, bad language, sacrilege, blasphemy, attempted murder, arguable murder, divinely mandated murder, justifiable murder, filthy murder, sexual promiscuity, kidnapping, attempted rape (which is never comedy), immolation of said attempted rapists, persistent disrespect for vampires (which is always comedy), arson, dead animals, desecrated graves, gang activity, theft, assault and battery, panties, misuse of the 911 system, fantasy depictions of sorcery and witchcraft, multiple references to various matters of fandom, questionable interrogation tactics, cell phone abuse, reckless driving, even more explicit sexuality, illegal use of firearms within city limits, polyamory, abuse of authority, hit and run driving, destruction of private property, underage drinking, disturbances of the peace, disorderly conduct, internet harassment, bearers of false witness, mayhem, dismemberment, falsification of records, tax evasion, bad study habits, and an uncomfortably sexy mother.

…and that’s just the first book.

They've all got those warnings. Even the short story collections.

Credit to the incredible @leemoyer for all my book covers, and for teaching me so much about this biz. And while he's not on the book covers, I've gotta share the other central protagonist as illustrated by the awesome @juliedillon:

...yeah, Alex gets into some shit.

If you're looking for protagonists who really communicate, if you want polyamory instead of love triangles, and if you hate when steamy scenes fade to black, I've got you covered.

If you’ve read this far and you’re interested, or even if you just want to see more content warnings, please give my stuff a look on Amazon (including Kindle Unlimited) or on Audible where they’re narrated by Tess Irondale. Give her a listen and you’d be happy to hear her read just about anything.

[mrssylvatica]

"The Other Fairy Tale" - Different Fairy Tales (AU?)

~560 words || The members of Crown, represented by different fairy tales than the originals used in the game.

This fanfiction is rated for all audiences, but keep in mind that the game, Ikemen Villains, is intended for a more mature audience.

◇ CW: None...?  Nothing too serious. Let me know if I should add any warnings. ◇ Let me know if you'd ever like to be tagged in my posts!

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William: Rapunzel (original version)

sorry for the jumpscare

You’ve always been a dreamer.  You’ve always wanted to see the world, but the walls built around you prevented you.  Ah, mother (Victor) warned you not to fall in love with anyone (prologue), but look at you now.  You could never see the world, no matter how much you wanted to.  It took a prince to whisk you off your feet and guide you to free will.  Even if William was blinded by thorns, he’d still be able to find you in the dark.

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Harrison: Cinderella

Black hearts may mistreat you, Only a miracle could save you, But he’s able to see through the lies, as well as your disguise, because his love is one that is true.

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Liam: The Little Mermaid (original version)

It was an impossible relationship.  You are of land, while he is of sea.  You’re worth more to him than you’ll ever know.  He loves you so much, oh, he’d die for you.  He saved you so many times.  Liam sacrificed everything just for a chance, a small chance to love you.  Learn from the Prince’s mistake.  You better love him back and not leave him for another.

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Elbert: The Little Mermaid

All the beautiful things he heard about on the surface brought him jealousy.  For years, he would collect every little scrap that fell to him from the sky.  When Elbert looked up at you from the sea’s surface, he fell for you in an instant.  The siren, entranced by you, the most beautiful of them all.  But perhaps he would do something different.  Instead of dragging you to the surface, he would drag you beneath the depths.  A place where he could love you forever.  And now you belong to him.

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Alfons: Red Riding Hood

The wolf will lead you astray with the beautiful flowers on the way. He’ll devour you whole, And take hold of your soul. You’ll never see another day.

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Roger: Pinocchio

Roger will always fix you up when you’re chased, injured, and on the verge of death. It doesn't matter if you're flesh or wood.  He’ll hold you close and shield you from the world.  In a world surrounded by death, in which life is increasingly bizarre, you’re real to him.  You may be a fool, but you’re the only thing keeping him sane.

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Jude: Aladdin (Disney's version)

He’s a rich, feisty prince.  You’re a robber on the streets, on the run.  Strange how you two fell in love.  Quit trying to impress him, he isn’t interested.  Oh-  oh dear.  Jude crosses his arms and sighs.  You should have just been yourself in the first place.

Well then, what are your three wishes?

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Ellis: ??? ("Happy Ending")

The world is full of unhappiness.  Ellis would rather kill you to preserve your happiness than to have the possibility of it being tainted.  He’ll stop time when you’re at your happiest, letting you stay in that happiness - forever.  That’s his happy ending.

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Victor: The Little Match Girl

Victor already knew your fate, but he must let life take its course.  He’s tortured by the visions of the deaths of those he loves.  Ah, but despite their sins, he loves them all so much.  Death watches over the girl, letting the flames remind her of love and kindness.  May you die with a smile on your face, and let the loving Death carry you to Heaven.

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SHITPOST MAIN: @rou-luxe

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Author's Notes

I remember seeing something similar for Ikemen Prince, and I decided it must be done for Villains.

I had to choose a fairytale that's different from the one they originated from. No similar characters either, which means Roger wasn't allowed to be the Huntsman from Red Riding Hood.

Harrison and Alfons' seemed too short... so I just made them into limericks...

Just something I was tempted to include in Roger's. But this fox and cat are rather antagonistic, so I decided against it.

The line from Ellis' is a reference to petite-otome's translation of his trailer~

My favorite is definitely Elbert's. It has such fanfiction potential. Maybe later. But my least favorite is probably Ellis'... I couldn't think up anything better than "happy ending".

Elbert mermay art might come out on my main anytime. @rou-luxe Elbert merman and lighthouse keeper Alfons... my Elbert merman AU... it never stops...