#jd vance did not fuck a couch

[cleolinda]

Re: Couch fucking

Since people saw “JD Vance fucked a couch” mentioned in the “Tampon Tim: He’ll stop the red wave” post and went “What? JD Vance fucked a couch?,” no, he did not fuck a couch in his youth. The rumor was started by a random shitpost on the service I will continue to call Twitter until the heat death of the universe:

(Archived by Snopes, now view-limited by the author)

@rickrudescalves

can't say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, hillbilly elegy, pp. 179-181)

7:58 PM • Jul 15, 2024 • 1.8M Views

No draft or edition of Vance’s book Hillbilly Elegy ever said any such thing, but the inclusion of page numbers made “JD Vance fucked a couch” look very truthy (file this away as a tactic to look for in other propaganda you see). Neither Vance nor the Trump campaign can fully deny this because that would only draw more attention to the concept of “Vice presidential candidate JD Vance fucked a couch.” In great frustration, a campaign spokesman has finally said,

"We're not going to talk about couches or coconuts or whatever weird fetish KamalaHQ is into. When we have something to say, we'll say loud and clear. If Kamala is a coward, we'll call her a coward. If Tim Walz is a liar, we'll call him a liar.”

JD Vance then proceeded to lie about Tim Walz’s 24-year military record, calling it “stolen valor.”

As much as people enjoyed Walz’s quip that he would love to debate Vance if Vance would be “willing to get off the couch,” I do agree that Democrats should not stoop to such Republican tactics as (off the top of my head)

Telling lies about presidential candidate John Kerry’s military service (which inspired the general term “swiftboating” “to describe an unfair or untrue political attack”)

Claiming that then-presidential candidate Barack Obama was born in Kenya and not an American citizen, which would disqualify him, leading to an entire “birther” movement headed by Donald Trump

Accusing Democrats of trafficking children in the basement of a pizza parlor that had no basement, leading one man who sincerely believed this to “[travel] to Comet Ping Pong to investigate the conspiracy and [fire] a rifle inside the restaurant to break the lock on a door to a storage room during his search”

Claiming that North American schools keep kitty litter on hand for students who “identify as cats,” a “joke” meant to target protections for transgender students

And, as mentioned, splitting hairs over exactly what rank Tim Walz had vs what he retired at, elevating this to a far more serious accusation of stolen valor. In fairness, this is probably revenge for the couch thing.

So yes, I agree, we shouldn’t use the same tactics that the Republicans have been using for decades. It’s tasteless and it does not make us look better. I would perhaps remind you of the saying “Live by the sword, die by the sword,” but yes, we should stop confusing people into thinking that JD Vance fucked a couch. No couch was ever fucked by JD Vance. I endorse this message.

[irenespring]

Today I would like to shout out that one random Twitter person who made up that JD Vance bragged about fucking a couch.

Imagine making a random shitpost and less than two months later your joke is being used by a major party nominee for Vice President on live television at his introduction rally, earning him thunderous applause.

That poster must be having quite the experience.

[nicolethered]

A selection of my favorite JD Vance couch fucker tweets.

[jnateg]

I don’t really have anyone to send my kinda niche political mémés to, so they’ll come here for the void.

Good night & good luck.

[bootleg-nessie]

“Kamala Harris fucked her way to the top”

So did JD Vance, he only got that job thanks to the couch in the Oval Office

[maeamian]

It's important that everyone understand that JD Vance did not write about fucking a couch in his career launching semi-fictional pseudobiography: Hillbilly Elegy. It is simply not true that JD Vance has written about fucking a latex glove that he inserted between couch cushion. There is, at this point, no evidence that JD Vance did actually fuck a couch although importantly, he is also not on record denying it so we can't know for sure until he answers questions on the record about if he fucked a couch or not, but we do know that the tweet that claimed he did it and wrote about it was just a joke and the specific book pages cited in it contain no stories about JD Vance fucking a couch.

[aspiringwarriorlibrarian]

Does JD Vance still exist. I haven't heard anything about him since he supposedly become vice president. Was he ever real? Did we all mass hallucinate him? It would explain a lot honestly.

Elon is the president, Trump is the vice, and Vance fucked a couch once or something.

[azzandra]

Only thing I know about JD Vance is that a whole bunch of articles came out insisting he did not fuck a couch, which is such a suspiciously specific denial that it's just convincing everyone that he definitely fucked a couch.

[ryanhamiltonwalsh]

A Rick Rolls a Nation — a timeline of the JD Vance couch joke

July 15th, 2024: "can't say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an Inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, hillbilly elegy, pp. 179-181)." — @ rickrudescalves (the now deleted tweet)

Arguably, this ground zero tweet overly complicates things. Soon, the "latex glove" element will be completely forgotten and JD will *only* be fucking couches "raw dog style" in almost all subsequent variations on the joke.

July 15th, 2024 - Present: The joke goes absolutely bonkers viral. Comedian Kathy Griffin, who famously overstepped in 2017 by posing for a photo with a model of Trump's bloodied, disembodied head, believes the joke to be true, boosts it as if it is.

July 24th, 2024: The Associated Press publishes a fact check of the "claim," which is inherently hilarious.

July 25th, 2024: The Associated Press retracts the piece, causing fans of the Vance/couch meme to go wild with delight, the joke being that they retracted it because there's actually something to it. “The story, which did not go out on the wire to our customers, didn’t go through our standard editing process. We are looking into how that happened" — AP spokesperson Nicole Meir

July 30th, 2024: Business Insider tracks down the originator of the joke and interviews him --->

"@ rickrudescalves hid the post within a week of publishing it, but the couch joke had already left an impression."

He says he was uncomfortable with the attention the joke received, and is mildly worried about being accused of election interference, but has no regrets.

Rick cites Werner Herzog, Jorge Luis Borges, John Fowles, and Hunter S. Thompson in explaining precedents for the form and details of the joke.

July 31st, 2024: JD Vance either intentionally makes a lame joke embracing (or trying to claim ownership of) the couch meme, or does so accidentally via free association. Either way, it falls totally flat and the man continues to dazzle America with his complete lack of charisma and his disgusting views on women's rights.

August 6th, 2024: Tim Walz is selected as Kamala Harris's Vice Presidential running mate. That night, in Philadelphia, Walz kills with a Vance/Couch joke.

August 7-8th-ish, 2024: The far right, led by Laura Loomer and Don Jr, makes an unfunny, clumsy, intentional attempt to do the same kind of joke with Walz by claiming...he...drinks horse cum? Because this is so...just gross—a classic over-escalation, you might say—and completely manufactured, this attempt seems to be dead on arrival.

August 9th, 2024: The non-GOP backlash officially begins. New York Magazine pubishes:

"Besides the tiresome-but-correct moral case, leaning on fake memes also just isn’t necessary, much as it may delight Democrats’ online base. Good political candidates have always known how to get vicious while staying within the lines of accuracy. This means homing in on opponents’ real weaknesses, a task the Harris campaign has thus far excelled at."

To which there was an excellent Twitter response:

Right. Who owns the joke? Is it democrats? Is it officials or citizens? The answer is no one, and therefore the idea it can be policed is itself a kind of joke, I think.

Where will it go from here? We shall see.

I wonder if we'll ever learn the identity of Rick, because, I agree, I think a joke made in mid-July may have altered history.

[deadpresidents]

Do you have any opinions on who Harris should (or shouldn’t pick) for vice president?

Since Admiral McRaven is out of the picture, I'd be perfectly happy with Buttigieg, Beshear, Kelly, Shapiro, or Walz. I think they all would be great running mates.

I was leaning towards Governor Beshear, but I've started to really come around on Mark Kelly. My only hesitation with Kelly, as I've mentioned a few times, was that he's a Democrat with a seat in the Senate that is safely Democratic for a few more years from a battleground state where it's no guarantee that a Democrat is going to win statewide. But I think Senator Kelly's advantages as a running mate outweigh the risks of potentially losing that Senate seat, especially since there is a Democratic Governor in Arizona, and it seems like Arizona's GOP keeps nominating Senate candidates that people in Arizona don't like. He helps Kamala Harris on immigration, he's a military combat veteran, he's a leading advocate on gun control, and he's a fucking astronaut. If I were Kamala, I'd pick Kelly and just have him show up to the Vice Presidential debate against JD Vance wearing his NASA space suit and say, "Is it true you fuck couches? I was a fighter pilot...and that was an entry-level position for what I did after that".

But I'd really be good with any of the people mentioned on the shortlist.

[ralfmaximus]

The Associated Press removed its fact-check debunking the claim that former President Donald Trump’s running mate Senator JD Vance (R-OH) once had sex with a couch just 24-hours after it was published after the article “didn’t go through” the outlet’s “standard editing process.”

Random internet guy posts a joke about how JD Vance admitted he fucked a sofa in his autobiography, even citing the pages

Because the joke was posted the same day Trump announced Vance as his running mate, the internet picks it up and runs

Joke goes viral, and because JD Vance is such a loathsome man the joke is very believable as fact

Associated Press publishes an article explaining that no, JD Vance never fucked a sofa

Associated Press almost immediately retracts the article, deleting all traces of it from their website

Fueling new rumors that JD Vance indeed fucked a sofa

Now nobody is really sure if JD Vance actually fucked a sofa or not

My own personal theory is that some shitty LLM chatbot found that original joke article published alongside all the other JD Vance news, and scooped it up as fact.

Now it's just ~in there~ alongside all the other true facts such as JD Vance once ate his own weight in boneless ribeye steaks at an expensive Washington DC restaurant but refused to pay the bill because he thought it was "all you can eat" like Golden Corral or that time JD Vance had both hands sliced off (then surgically reattached, backwards) when he tried to grab the bologna off a deli slicer to do it himself because he thought the delicatessen was operated by "The Jews" or that time JD Vance rode a motorcycle through a children's petting zoo as a protest because he thought there were drag queens reading stories to the kids baby goats or that time

[texas-gothic]

Before I begin, please note that this is all ESPN Sports Room-style analysis and that Kamala Harris is every bit the genocidal monster that her boss is. Neither she nor anyone attached to her will be seeing my vote. Not that that matters since I live in a deep red state where my vote would end up going to Donald Trump regardless. Yay deeply undemocratic election system!

I honestly think that Harris has a really decent chance of winning this election with Tim Walz by her side. I was almost dead certain she was going to pick someone like Shapiro or Kelly who would have alienated key voting blocks, but no, she actually did the smart thing.

Walz is smart because he continues to hammer on Trump's biggest weakness while distracting from Harris's own. No matter what she and her allies might have to say about a fresh new start, it remains the case that Kamala Harris is still the other face of the most unpopular administration since 1968. By all means Donald Trump should have been able to coast by on an awful economy and taken the Presidency with ease. But then he went and picked professional pervert weirdo JD Vance as his running mate. A strange little man who can't shut up about how much he hates women at a time where Trump's biggest sore point is women's rights. And while it might not seem possible, Tim Walz makes JD Vance look even worse.

Walz, as governor, is extremely popular with his electorate. He has an especially rare record of actually doing the things he set out to do and has been flagrantly ignoring the Democratic Party line of "Look pretty and do as little as possible." People wanted him to defend public education and the rights of minority groups, and he has done so with flying colors. All while his colleagues in Washington allowed abortion rights and affirmative action to crumble while they were too busy scrounging together trillions of dollars to fan the flames of proxy wars.

Vance, on the other hand, has only been Senator for a little under 2 years. And in that time he has done little besides contribute to the partisan havoc that has largely deadlocked this term of the legislature. He's gone on a lot of bizarre, right wing podcasts, sure, and maybe that's what matters to the core base of Republicans, but I don't imagine the fact that he got to sit down and talk with Tim Poole once will play very well with undecided voters. Then there's the myriad of scandals that has broken out around him only since his nomination as VP. Did Vance fuck a couch? Does Vance want to strip people without children of their right to vote? Why does Vance follow so many people who post about "towel boys"? Why did Vance google dolphin pornography? Why did Vance right the forward to Project 2025, maybe the least popular thing to ever come out of an already unpopular think tank? The questions with this guy never end.

So on one hand, we have a beloved governor whose record of firm, swift action and following through on promises might just cover for the current administration's record of the opposite, and on the other hand, a living embodiment of the kind of weird, extremely-online reactionary nonsense that Trump needs to avoid, whose bizarre behavior keeps pulling in more and more of a negative spotlight on their campaign.

This is still a tight race. Kamala Harris was not that popular to begin with, and Joe Biden has given her a lot of baggage on her way to the White House. But Tim Walz might just be likeable enough with voters that they can look past all of that. Largely because it's hard to look away from the weirdo running opposite of him.

I guess we'll just have to find out.

[theothin]

bumper sticker reading "HYPOTHETICALLY IF JD VANCE DID FUCK A COUCH THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY FINE"

[brandyllyn]

It is July 25, 2024 and what may be the greatest political moment of my life is happening.

As far as anyone can tell this is the nexus of the rumor. Twitter* user @rickrudecalves posted on July 15th, 2024 that JD Vance fucked a latex glove in a couch cushion.

Now, look, I want to be upfront that this is not true. There is no such passage in Hillbilly Elegy.

However, however, the internet could not give one flying fuck if it was true. It meandered around a bit, and various blue checkmarked accounts reposted it with apparent shock but belief without fact checking.

I can't pinpoint when and how it exploded, but on July 24 the Associated Press wrote about it.

And then, and I cannot stress this enough, pulled the story. And they did it because they bypassed their editorial process so couldn't verify the fact-check.

But the damage was done. AP had commented and now every other new outlet could run the same headline. "Did JD Vance fuck a couch? News at 11." It was now mainstream headline news because AP bothered to report it - and then had to PULL THEIR NEGATION. Folks I cannot tell you how amazing that is.

I mean, I personally feel they had to grapple with the fact that you can't prove a negative. The best they can say is that no, that is not in Vance's book.

Look, it takes all kinds and who among us can cast the first stone on weird sex stuff. If J.D. Vance fucked a couch it would make me like him more. But J.D. Vance is an evangelical nutjob who believes that a man wearing a skirt is pornography and criminal. It is objectively funny that this rumor has been attached to him.

The right-wing party in America is not serious. They are laughably stupid and believe stupid things. You do not combat this by giving them airtime and treating them like they are serious.

You combat them by pointing and laughing.

Further Reading: The Cut Snopes

*I will call it X over my dead body.

[glitterarygetsit]

ok ok instant rewatch of the relevant scenes - reposting because the cut didn’t work for my wall o’spoilers

Eddie’s confession: noting that after Christopher, the first person he says he lied to is Buck 👀 👀 👀

“you can even take Eddie” “really?” FORESHADOWING

buck needing to be reminded that tommy is gay because everyone is hot to him hashtag just bisexual things 🩷💜💙

HIMBO BUCK CONFIRMED

genuinely this is one of the funniest things that’s ever happened on this show

“How many men did Abby turn gay” - Abby sleep with Eddie next challenge and get this over with

Can I also just say. I love Josh’s pre- vs post-Glee speech. Not to be an old lady yelling at a cloud but even growing up in the early 2000s, when we were starting to get a little bit of rep—Gen Z has no idea. It’s a COMPLETELY different world.

I also really like how Tommy lying to Abby parallels Michael and Athena. I don’t love how close the show comes to completely condoning stealth queer folks lying to an unwitting partner for convenience but like. you cannot conceive of how different the world was, just as I can’t fully conceive of how different it was in the 80s. the 2000s seem like they were recent but the change is enormous.

Ugh I hate Eddie’s constant no homo thing. YES HOMO.

Isn’t the point of confessionals that what happens in the confessional stays in the confessional? literally no-one in this show has any professional ethics

Man this show really loves putting children in pipes huh? but also like MAJOR callback to the well episode. We Know Something LGBTQ+ Is Gonna Happen Today. further professional ethics failures.

uh huh i bet he shared his spumoni with you buck

what even is spumoni

oh it’s a creamy fruity treat 🍨 yeah he definitely shared that 👀

SELF-IDENTIFIED HIMBO BUCK

Tommy realising that if Buck is half Abby’s age… he would also have been half Tommy’s age at the time…

Groaned OUT LOUD when Buck was like “and we have that right [to get married] because of the brave people who came before” BUCK YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD FUCKING ALLY 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ he’s so embarrassing

Tommy like are you breaking up with me? UNO REVERSE BITCH

God everything hitting Tommy at once—realising he’s always known he was on borrowed time, that he needs to get out before he gets too badly hurt. on the other hand tommy you’re an idiot and you need to give buck more credit.

Tommy thinks he understands where Buck’s at because he’s gay and all his relationships with women were lies. But excited as Buck is, he’s not gay—his relationships with women were real! Abby was his “oh shit, next one could be For Real” relationship. The gender doesn’t matter! That’s how bisexuality works!! I really hope Buck gets to talk about that in later episodes.

Holy shit Eddie dancing scene sure is something. I love that they gave Ryan that chance even if it’s cheesy as hell. Also. THIGHS. BUTT. FUCKING THE COUCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME. gays we’re reclaiming couch-fucking jd vance doesn’t get to keep that one.

Eddie opening the door to Buck, seeing him devastated—he’s GOTTA know. And he doesn’t stop smiling. He takes the beer. He looks at it. He looks at Buck. He looks back at the beer, like “why not?” AND THEN THEY BOTH SIT ON THE COUCH HE WAS JUST WRITHING ON

and BUCK IS ALREADY DRINKING

holding the bottle straight like it’s a dick

AND

JUST

SECONDS

LATER

EDDIE OPENS HIS OWN BOTTLE

AND STARTS SUCKING IT OFF

🌈🔥💕👀❤️🌈🔥🍆🏳️‍🌈🔥🎉🏳️‍🌈💖🎉🏳️‍🌈🍆🔥🏳️‍🌈✨💖🌈👀🏳️‍🌈✨🔥🌈🏳️‍🌈👀💖🍆🍆💦🌈🔥💕🥰💖💕🌈👀💕🎉🍆💖✨🔥🌈💖

[solarbird]

I’m going to say one final thing about the Trump shooting, then turn the rest of this into a resource post, highlighting some useful information about Project 2025, JD Vance, and the two together, since there is some involvement.

I argued in the past that it doesn’t matter whether Trump’s ear was hit by a bullet or shrapnel, because it fucking doesn’t, it was still an assassination attempt. I’ve argued about how Democratic conspiracy theories give us more MAGA and give them something to counterbalance against January 6th.

But most importantly, going off about which happened gives Donald Trump more attention for something he wants attention about.

For a blessed few days, nobody was talking about the stinking orange buffoon, not really, and given that literally nothing changes about the story he wants to talk about if it’s shrapnel or if it’s a bullet, that was a really good thing. It was “fuckity-bye, ear” in the news and I was delighted for it.

Even talking about him overhyping the damage or whatever just gives it all more air.

Don’t give it – or him – any air. Don’t let him get up. Until and unless something actually major actually happens – not hypotheses or speculation, actually something major – keep it quiet, because it helps shift the focus back on him.

Keep the focus on Harris and on Vance. That’s what’s good for us. Not speculating about trivia nobody outside the obsessed cares about: himself, as victim.

Make sense? Good. I’m shutting up about it until and unless there’s some actual hard news, and I recommend you do too.

Have some more resources on Project 2025 and JD Vance; use them as appropriate when talking to your friends and family about the election, particularly the Trumpy ones:

This is a two-fer: Trump again denies Project 2025 — despite Vance writing foreword for chief architect’s book. This is the same book that calls progressives “unhumans” and praises the January 6th insurrectionists. So that’s fun.

You’ve heard the “childless cat ladies” with “no stake in America” quote, of course. Push comes to shove, he really doesn’t think women – certainly not childless women – should be able to vote. He doesn’t just come out and say it like the GOP candidate for governor in Nroth Carolina did, but it’s in there.

There are so many levels of Christofascism in the Project, here’s yet another one: A Jewish couple were rejected as foster parents because of their religion. This is the future Project 2025 envisions

FBI director issues warning on ‘frightening’ Project 2025, specifically its plans to make the FBI directly responsible not to the constitution but to one man, Donald Trump.

How J.D. Vance Went From Green Tech Investor to Climate Change Doubter – it’s about money and power, naturally.

JD Vance roadblocked dozens of US diplomats while he obsessed over their views on gay rights, because he really, really hates the queers.

Anybody remember the Spoils System in the Federal government? I kind of doubt it, because nobody – I mean, literally I’ve seen nobody – talks about it in relation to J.D. Vance’s radical plan to build a government of Trump loyalists based on Project 2025. Not only was it massively corrupt from top to bottom – absolute looting for the winning political party – but it even triggered the assassination of President James Garfield.

Enjoy this big collection of JD Vance being absolutely evil. He really hates women without children – no, he really hates women in general, and hating women who don’t have (white) children is only the start.

Here Vance supporting police tracking women’s periods for evidence of abortion.

There’s more, but this is getting pretty long. I’ll leave you with this last little nugget:

The AP had to take down their fact check about JD Vance never having sex with with a couch. This is because while he didn’t actually tell such a story in Hillbilly Elegy, they can’t prove a negative, so couch time is back on.

And with that, enjoy the weekend.