#Scrolled through your blog for a while though you don't post much

[husband-in-law]

.

[bruhstation]

hello tumbled er

greetings and salutation. it is I, senja heterocaine, speaking to you through your favorite home screens. now you might be wondering: where on earth has senja heterocaine disappeared to these past 5 months? well the answer is as simple as it gets

I focused on my studies.

well yes that is the main reason. but that's like the nerd "obvious" answer. there’s other reasons too. some of which includes me getting into new interests, revisiting my old, hibernating interests, getting involved in university organizations and events, getting more involved in big family stuff since I'm the oldest and the only of-age grandchild of grandma from mom's side.... lots of stuff

so I just finished the third semester of premed school right. honestly speaking, with how I was losing motivation on drawing, the art block post-art fight, and lack of time, I decided to well, take a break. and it’s pretty convenient too since it was early on in the third semester. during the entirety of it I was feeling pretty proud of myself like "oh I've been studying a lot. I've taken a break from drawing and blog stuff. surely things will get better" and it did! not immensely but it's significant enough that for once I don't feel an indescribable sense of terror after the semester ends. the focus of this semester was about reproduction systems and growth and development which is pretty fun? we get to use models and medical phantoms hands-on and poke them with needles and other rube goldberg contraptions. I did miss breeding bacterias in petri dishes and seeing my friends burn the microbiology lab’s ceiling like last semester though. my grades are also improving… slowly but surely

(aftermath not pictured: me lounging on the couch scrolling through quora to see if there are people currently in college wanting to drop out)

maybe I was aiming too high. at least my grades are better than the previous two semesters and my social life is much better than it was back in high school. speaking of exams -- I went through my first osce exam around a week ago (practical exam to see if you can actually perform the skills labs lessons from the entire semester like you're a real physician). it was the most terrifying day of the month. my dentist said I have a big tongue and that’s why I can’t speak properly if I’m being too fast. ntm I WAS NERVOUS!!! MY FIRST OSCE!!! with how I memorized everything I needed, I was pretty confident that I'd pass, though. I didn't and retook the exam the next day. the prelude was the worst crash out ever

ah ptooey. I'll just take it like a champ. my tutor who's 3 years older than me and currently in the anesthetic rotation of co-ass told me that things will get easier but that's very subjective. he's a medical olympiad student after all. my parents are pretty happy though with how my academic life is becoming better so that's that

LETS MOVE ON TO SOMETHING LIGHTER. section B: what I've been getting into ever since bruhstation was put on cryostasis

you know Transformers One (2024)? the transformers movie directed by josh cooley? based on the Transformers(tm) franchise by Takara Tomy and Hasbro? most tragic break up movie of the decade? I watched it twice, squealed once, and left me broken and inconsolable for weeks on end. it made me revisit my dormant transformers interest after 5 years. I've reread the idw comics (mtmte, LL, taao, main transformers comic), and is currently checking out more (reading the wreckers saga right now). god it made me miss rodimus and friends' zany space opera adventures. I've always envisioned casa tidmouth to have the same tone as mtmte... the oftentimes dark humor, fridge horror stuff, weird magic/science, the roller coaster of emotions, confronting the past... its crazy good.

stories where misfits and knuckleheads band together in a confined space while having crazy doctor who-like adventures am I right. like I want casa tidmouth to be like that. remind me to thank 14 year old me for this trip down memory lane. and as usual, I tend to make self-indulgent crossovers of any interest I'm thinking about at the moment with casa tidmouth

a terrifying sneak peak on what's to come.

I've been working on my oc projects too. you may have seen some of them on artfight (graciela, saudade, altair, etc) but I've been focusing the most on graciela and saudade's universe, children's heterotopia. it has the largest amount of characters in any story I've created (not counting casa tidmouth), the most effort put into planning the stories and weaving in its themes about capitalism, patriarchy, period-typical bigotry, etc. there's human experimentation and they're given powers that range from punching super hard to time and space displacement. I also inserted whatever I wanted into the story. sure, yes, there's a lesbians-only organization of which its members are named off the knights of the round table, theres a mafia that focuses more on the family drama and attempted parricide from all angles, and tragic assassin maids of which their names are wuthering heights references. also if you've been following my main tumblr hajimedics for a while, you might've seen my three fairly oddparents ocs. well I've given them the tezuka star system treatment and inserted them into children's heterotopia as well.

I've also gotten into UTAU production! I've made a number of UTAU covers but haven't uploaded them to youtube. only shared them around with my friends on priv twitter. a good friend of mine assisted in the creation of my own UTAU voicebank! their name is TORKA (like "torque"), their voice bank has a slight accent when singing in japanese (because I'm their voice lol) and CV-only, their in-universe lore is that they're an intergalactic train conductor picking up wayfarers and outcasts trying to find a place in the vast universe, and I love them dearly

moving on! this is a thomas the engine and company blog THIS IS A LIFE UPDATE POST

I'd rather not discuss about how I'm doing mentally in deep detail BUT what I'll say is that I can't confidently say "I'm doing better" or "I'm doing worse" because it always depends on the days. things are okay-ish nowadays. some days are scary. some days are boring. I still experience delusions, (ironically) worried about my anhedonia, and believe that certain bouts of confidence will trigger a jinx, but I think I've been controlling myself well? at least? I keep internalizing the belief that I'm an adult. 20 years old. I have to act accordingly and my life in real life is ten times more important than the internet. things are going to change more and more once I graduate premed and began the co-ass program. I have to think 10 steps into the future. building successful connections before you turn 30. sigma grindset and all that. sorry that was my father using my body as a spirit medium

AND ALSO. ALSO. BACK TO THE BLOG DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME I PROMISED TO MAKE A COMIC BASED ON THE RESULTS OF THE 1000 FOLLOWERS POLL AND NEVER DID UNTIL NOW. I'm terribly sorry. I promise I will get into it I SWEAR procrastination is kicking my ass. I have to plan the dialogue and script and stuff AND DRAW BUT

BUT HERE’S THE FUNNY THING

THE BLOG REACHED 2000+ FOLLOWERS A FEW MONTHS AGO

NOW WHAT DO I DO TO CELEBRATE?

I don’t know honestly. I haven’t done the 1000+ followers celebratory comic, and NOW I HAVE 2000+ FOLLOWERS. THERES 2000+ OF YOU NOW!!!!! THAT’S CRAZY (IN A GOOD WAY)!!!! I thank you all for sticking with bruhstation through thick and thin for around 2 and a half years. I’m glad for all your support, fanarts, asks, and such truly. like wow. 2k. in such a short time too! thanks guys. admittedly, I feel kind of guilty to leave everyone hanging for months with nothing to give, especially with such a high follower number. and realistically? I don’t think I’ll be able to draw as much as I used to. like I’ve said earlier, I’ve been busy with my personal life and oc projects. it’s not like I’m abandoning this blog any time soon? I’m just speaking from a logical perspective, given my status as a student and (possibly, hopefully) future doctor too. I don't want to burn myself out posting like thrice a week, answering asks daily, I want to take things slow. at my own pace. maybe I'll focus on designing side characters as well and thinking about their roles in the story! but that's for another day. I’m just glad everyone’s still sticking around and enjoying my silly stuff

I do want to draw more for this blog! I want to put thomas and co. in more situations. make them dance for all our entertainments. but when you’re an adult, you realize that you have your own priorities. you can’t always do the things you wanna do. you can’t just drop something you don’t like out of the blue. sometimes you have to sigh, scratch the back of your neck, and brave it while saying “I sure am getting old”

oh and also I'm a butch lesbian now. still he/they (heavy preference on he/him), still preferring masculine terms like "mr", "sir", "guy", still as crazy as ever. still aroace too and not interested in dating, something that's been a constant in my identity ever since I'm in early high school. little have changed I can assure you this. I am still senja. senja heterocaine from the net.

and thus concludes senja’s life update post! what will the next post after this be about? something gordon-centric again? serious colored art? old men yaoi? silent hill UK localization? place your bets. everyone loves a good laugh

[yourheart-inmyhands]

Second ask of the day I am so sorry if I am overwhelming you :(

But I was scrolling through your blog and someone requested Blade with a reader who was like terrified of him that they would not sleep or eat unless forced to.

Could you write the same for Dottore? I just feel like this would fit him well :D

~🍂 Anon (once again I am apologising for requesting a second time today. Feel free to ignore me)

omg no don't feel bad for multiple requests, i adore every request i get, even if there's multiple in a day :D <3

Warning: this post contains yandere-themes, including implied being held against ones will, mentions of drugging, mentions of restraints, mentions of permanently paralyzing someone, and other potential topics. Please read at your own risk!

Honestly, it doesn’t bother Dottore nearly as much as it should, but when has he ever been bothered by something this minuscule? Dottore isn’t an overly affectionate person, but he can’t deny the appeal of having someone waiting for him in his bed, it’s a nice change from the usual night spent in his lab, forcing himself awake for another hour. It’s a good change of pace for him as well, even if he has to use force to keep you compliant.

He’ll allow you free roam of the room during the day, certain you couldn’t get past the bars on the windows or the guards outside the door. When night rolls around though, it’s kicked off by a few of his segments coming to get you ‘ready’ for bed. They’ve been instructed to use any force necessary, which often means restraints or merely drugging you. This is so that when Dottore does eventually come around to go to bed an hour or so later, you’ve already had your time to cry and fight, tiring yourself out and making you perfect to snuggle up to.

Of course, he has considered permanently paralyzing you before, but a small, sick part of him likes it when you fight. Dottore enjoys the challenge you put up, so he may on occasion threaten it, among other things, he isn’t likely to actually do it.

There was an extra pep in his step as Dottore left the lab, choosing to let his experiments wait till morning in favor of going to rest with you. Normally he’d be there till sunrise the following morning, but as of late, he’s come to find that he much prefers your company at these hours. You had been extra difficult with his segments tonight, at least that was what they had told him, so they went ahead and administered some ‘medication’ to help you relax. It was a special formula Dottore had made for you and you alone, it was strong enough to keep you incapacitated till morning while also not making you weak enough that you needed assistance in breathing.  Kicking open the door to your bedroom, he was pleased to see you laying there, staring at him with tear-riddled eyes, small wet streaks running down your cheeks from the crying onslaught you had subjected yourself to. Oh dear, if only you knew how much this sight made his heart flutter.

If you never grow accustomed to Dottore’s presence, it’s not a worry, he honestly thinks it’s cute that you hate him so much. His heart is set aflutter when he sees how terrified you are of him, he thinks it’s just so adorable. I mean, everyone already hates him, thousands have nightmares of the things he’s done, but you, there’s something about you specifically that has him hooked. He can’t ever let you go.

[dollfaceirene]

do better or stay bitter

So i'm finally off my blog posting break and i came up with this idea a few days ago so i decided today to finally write it up as a post today.

Imma cut it short and keep it blunt, some of yall do alot more complaining than changing and its like don't yall find it tiring?

Some of yall will come on apps to complain about "not being able to manifest", someone gives you advice or recommends useful posts and yall read over the post and never actually apply it to your own mindset/state and its like, don't yall find it tiring?

It comes to a point where y'all will be aware that you are re-affirming the same assumptions that simply don't benefit you and keep reinforcing the fact you are in a state of lack rather than actually taking time to reflect and affirm & make assumptions that are actually beneficial to what you want.

☆ lemme give an analogy,

We have Samantha and we have Jessica. Both Jessica and Samantha found out about the law of assumption around the same time and have recently finished their uni degrees.

Both Samantha and Jessica are currently applying to work at their dream jobs. Samantha, working at a bank and Jessica, working as a pharmacist.

Currently, both Samantha and Jessica haven't been having much success with looking for jobs as they either don't get any interviews or just don't get any callbacks.

This put Samantha and Jessica into a spiral of them affirming stuff of lack, e.g. "i will never be able to find a job" and since its their dominant assumptions, they are constantly shown in the 3D that they find it hard to get a job.

One day, Jessica was scrolling through her phone and saw a loa youtube video from a youtuber she subscribed to awhile back. She decides to watch this video and it gives a simplified summary of what the law of assumption is & how to apply it. She decides to keep affirming that she has her desired job no matter what was shown in the 3D. If she saw she didn't get any callbacks, she would keep affirming that she did have her desired job and that she was in control of her reality. Awhile later, she gets an interview to work at a private pharmacy and ends up landing the job there.

Meanwhile Samantha starts to overconsume alot of law of assumption posts, success stories, etc and never wants to apply the information. She always feels insanely jealous of people who have manifested desired things. She one days decides to do a mental diet however, instead of being disciplined with her thoughts & flipping any thoughts that didn't benefit her, only a few hours into the mental diet, she "quits" saying its too hard and that the law of assumption never works for her, even though it is universal & can be used to manifest anything.

the main point i want yall to get is that,

i) anyone is capable of changing their dominant assumptions

ii) only you can change your reality

iii) the law of assumption is neutral

Yall need to stop sitting on the sidelines while reading other success stories wishing it was you, newflash, it can and will be you once you've decided you have that in your reality.

Do better. Start that mental diet, listen to your affirmation tapes, do whatever helps you feel fulfilled or whatever. Stop going back to old story once you see something unfavourable in your 3D. Stop moping around how you "wish the loa will work for you" when it does! it works for everyone, you are no exception.

Be the Jessica of your reality. Be the one who identifies & decides that they have their desire no matter what instead of being the one who allows themselves to be the victim of their reality (which they can easily change) *cough, cough* Samantha.

Words of comfort: i just want to close off this post by saying i know alot of the time, circumstances can be so overwhelming that its so hard to affirm against it and can just be so frustrating at times. I hope you find peacr & comfort in your reality and wishing you all the best <3 rooting for yall, you can do this :)

stay limitless, xoxo irene

[megabuild]

bit of a ramble below! tl:dr; i have insane person problems and realised that this blog isn't healthy for me so won't be coming back until i'm in a better place, i have no intent on deleting it but may password protect it in the coming days for my own peace of mind :P love yall!

the absolute basics on my situation is that i almost certainly have OCD, have been vocal about this likelihood in the past, and while i was aware i was susceptible to obsessions and compulsions irt online interactions and my posts on here i was not actually aware of how debilitating the effect this was having on my life was until i went completely cold turkey and blocked tumblr from all my devices. like genuinely night and day. i have so much more free time when i'm not spending it constantly name searching on every platform available and scrolling through my blog over and over to be sure that i didn't post a slur by accident lol. i'd rather not get into some of the stupider details of shit ive done in the name of perceived moral purity because that's nobody's business but trust me when i say it was like a weight got lifted off my fucking shoulders lol like i was having regular delusions about making a post so bad grian himself would say i should kill myself on stream and believing it was possible 😭 really good disorder guys i love having this

i have a lot to say about the way this community treats each other, both good and bad, but i think i'd rather hold off and make more informed and thought out posts on that when i'm not still reeling from all the bullshit life's been throwing at me. i do love and value this community so much, especially all the mutuals and friends i've made here. i've also been made extremely uncomfortable in the past by the easiness that people slip into very strange relationships not just with CCs but with their fellow bloggers. including me ! and i am a relatively small blogger in the vast scheme of things. this is no hate to anyone who's sent an anon or whatever, many of you are lovely people, but it's also like, well i have been literally stalked on this blog before so i feel i have justification for being a tad uncomfortable . again, a lot to be said on the celebritification of average people and the obsession on making sure one makes "Objectively Correct" choices when doing something as simple as watching a minecraft series and having opinions on it .. but alas, no brain for it right now, and also i would rather not risk the ire of twitter teenager #48 lest i be qrted by thumbnail artists telling me to lighten up and accept the steady decay of all that is good in this sphere in order to make room for more #Content. Sit down and eat your yaoibait you stupid faggot! sorry this is a serious post ignore that part

to any of my beloved oomfies you are free to message and ask for my discord though i am also being a bit difficult to reach over there rn my bad (and i may not get back to you quickly because as soon I post this I am logging straight the fuck back out).. i have made a separate tumblr account from this one which is less social media and more a little archive of images and art i like (and also is not related to mcyt at all, outside of maybe one or two art reblogs if i see something that really catches my eye) so if we've hung out and you don't exclusively post mcyt you might see me around in your notifs but i'd prefer not to be linked back here. any projects, fics, other blogs etc. i have been working on consider on pause for eternity, with the only exclusions being 3rd life miraheze (which i'm currently looking into options for but will certainly never go away! much love still to all our contributors who have worked tirelessly through wild life to update our various spreadsheets and tables) and aoyuer which i'm sort of picking up and taking away and hitting with hammers until it's sufficiently divided from mcyt and i can call it an oc story for real. peep my toyhouse if ye are so inclined and wont tell the adoptbrained callout squads over there that my oc once upon a time was lowkey rpf.

anyway this has already gotten far too long as i'm a chronic yapper and overexplainer but thank you very much for hanging out with me and talking about these stupid ass blocks. i have a handful of posts in the queue i wont be getting rid of and don't doubt i will come back to chat more shit in future but at the end of the day i'm here to have a fun time on the computer and i just was not having that anymore. i was having a scary and fucked up time on the computer, and life is too short to put yourself through that out of some butchered sense of responsibility to the niche follower base you've cultivated. if you also have ocd delete your blog as soon as it hits 1k like actually. if you worked in the askbox mines and are now facing redundancy then go follow my enemy thecoolerliauditore. or dont im not your boss anymore. im too busy homebrewing my 3ds. smooches mwahs !!!!!!!!!

[storm-angel989]

Master List and Requests

Hi Everyone!

Please see the below pinned post for most of the common questions I receive <3 Know that I am ALWAYS open to PM's and Requests!

That being said, while I believe this blog is a Minors DNI type of blog, I am powerless to stop anyone from scrolling through and reading. As an author, I can only request that if you are under the age of 18, please do not interact with this blog.

The floor is always open for requests! When you send in your requests, please be sure to make them as detailed as possible. I write for pretty much everyone within the Hazbin series, though I cannot promise I will be quick about anything sent in. Creativity sparks at the most random of times! Rest assure if you send me something I don't write on, I will either direct message you or if its anonymous, I will respond to the request. No message or request will go actively ignored- that's just not who I am.

My process is simple: I receive a request, I put it in a running google doc and when inspo hits, I yank the request out of the google doc and put it into works!

Please bear in mind in Outside the Office, it is a strictly romantic relationship with Val in the story, platonic with Valentino and Vox, and platonic/family with Lucifer so I'll stick to writing those relationships as such. That being said, I encourage all the creativeness, slices of life, day to day situations, fluff and kinks.

One Final Thing:

The list of things I won't write about is minimal. As of right now, there is only one item on that list: I will not write sexually explicit content involving underage readers. While I believe this blog is a Minors DNI type of blog, I am powerless to stop anyone from scrolling through and reading. At most, I can request that you don't interact if you're over the age of 18. It's the reality of the internet. So please, out of respect for me as an author, do not request content involving things I've noted I won't write about or interact with this blog if you're under the age of 18.

The list has grown slightly. I also don't write incest- though I haven't received any of those requests, I wanted to make that distinction clear.

As always, it might take me a hot minute, but please send in those requests!

Hope to hear from y'all!

UPDATES:

I know the master list links don't work, I'm in the SLOW process of redoing them. So far I'm through OTO and Valentino, Vox and Velvette's Master Lists. If you come across a link on either of these that don't work PLEASE let me know!

Due to a link limit on a post I have updated my master list to subcategories. Please note that the Vee's will appear across fics, but I organized them based on the primary Vee requested/involved in the story.

Outside The Office Master List

Currently Posted: Chapters 1- 40

Master List Valentino

Master List Vox

Master List: Velvette

MASTER LIST: LUCIFER

HEAD CANNONS:

Valentino's Son x Angel Dust

Valentino's Daughter and Vox's Daughter

Valentino's Daughter x Valentino (Similar)

[goodluckclove]

I've been meaning to say something. (100 follower hot take)

Hey! Thanks for stopping by. I hope you've had a nice day. Why don't you rest with me for a while? I made some chocolate chip cookies - with shortening instead of butter, so they're very soft and very chocolatey. I made way too many and they aren't my wife's favorite, so I could use some help in eating them.

You're probably a writer, right? Or maybe you think about how you could be. Browse the tags here, or on other social media platforms. Maybe you used to write stories as a kid. I bet those were fun. Teachers might've thought they were impressive, or they dissected them line by line until the words didn't make sense in your head anymore. Either way, if you're here you're probably here for a reason.

(rant alert)

I dipped a toe in online writing communities on and off. My last attempt was forty-five minutes scrolling through the writing hashtag on Youtube Shorts (so TikTok, I guess? I don't know). I didn't like it. I really didn't. The thing that sticks out the strongest in my mind is one particular video where a woman claims that every story needs a second act plot twist.

Huh? Every story? All of them? Why? Since when? Who are you? What qualifications do you have to make a statement like that?

That's the common thread that makes a lot of writing spaces very uncomfortable for me. Successful writers are really only successful in their genre and for the given moment, so they don't have that much objective authority in the craft. And yet I see a lot of people deciding the things that you can't do in writing. Or the things you have to do, and how you have to do them. It was so much of Writeblr at first glance that I almost dipped out once again. I didn't, though, and I'm glad I didn't because now I get to watch some of the next great storytellers from across the world grow and examine and forge their way forward.

No one can teach you how to write. No, that's not true. Teachers teach literacy. Handwriting. Typing maybe - do schools still teach typing? Let me try saying it in a different way - no one, not one single person on this goddamned planet, has the right to tell you how to make a story.

I was supposed to get my MFA in creative writing before my first breakdown. My uncle stayed in the program I was meant to be in, and a few years after I dropped out he graduated. Recently I had the thought to look up his thesis novella, and as I searched I found myself regretting my decision to leave school. If I stayed and got to develop my writing in an actual class, with other writers and a knowledgeable professor, how much further along would I be than where I am right now?

It was bad. His novella was terrible. It was so bad I had a small existential crisis for, like, three days. He spent so much money on years and years of professional education and came out with a truly soulless story that read as if you prompted an AI to write the next Great American Novel. So if you think you need a writing degree to be a legitimate author, it could help connections-wise, but it ultimately won't be the thing that does the work for you.

Not all advice I see online on writing is bad. I find the people who are able to capture the "I" statements of therapy and phrase advice as things that have worked for them, or things that they personally enjoy, to be fine. Some writing advice can spark inspiration.

But if someone is the type of person to boil every story down to troupes and cliches, and then immediately say that every story that uses the trait they don't like is automatically bad for everyone? I'm dropping the kindness for a second - that's trash. That's a trash take and I see far too many writers use it as a reason to stop before they begin.

I don't like whump. I say my reasons in previous posts if you go back through my blog. But you will never hear me say that any story with whump in it is bad, because I don't know that. You might prove me wrong. I am an adult human being and I have the humility to admit that I can like something I didn't expect to. I genuinely enjoy the direction of The Human Centipede (only the first one) and if you cringed just now that probably means you haven't seen it.

There are so many types of books and movies and plays and comics out there. To enjoy a specific genre is fine, to ignore the existence of everything else is a really, really, really odd thing to do. Maybe someone will hate your story because they think everything should be Neil Gaiman, and therefore have no way to understand your epistolary high-Western. You are not the wrong end of that situation just for existing.

And at there is a definite threshold on how many writing tips you can gather before they stop being useful. If you find them interesting, that's one thing. That's fine. But if the culture of creativity online has made you feel like you need to educate yourself on every possible angle before you can write a story, you are actively harming yourself.

Imagine taking the level of structure you put on yourself in that way and putting it on children playing pretend in the backyard. Oh, Susie, don't you know that it's overdone for your Kitsune have dead parents? Xyler, shouldn't you ask someone else before you decide how Spiderman would react to this? It would make no sense and they do not need it. Kids will make a whole world out of nothing and it's the most fucked thing in my heart that at some point they get access to Reddit and dipshits start insisting that's wrong.

They aren't wrong and you aren't either. Your favorite creative influencer can't tell you your story, strangers on the internet can't tell you your story, your teachers and loved ones can't tell you your story. They can influence it, but they can't write it honestly the way you can.

You do that. That's the thing you do.

Man that makes me upset. I can't tell you how to make a story, either. If anyone sends me asks for writing advice the most I'll do is say what I've done before hopping into your DMs and starting a direct conversation. it's so personal to each individual artist, and I'd like to think that the people selling these classes and software and promoting these platforms haven't thought about that before. Otherwise it does feel manipulative. If you have a willingness to practice and imagine and really experiment with the possibilities, you are ready to write your story.

And if it doesn't work? Try again. That's what you do.

Stephen King has written roughly a thousand books and maybe five of them have decent endings. He is unimaginably successful.

I'm rambling now. I think I got that out of my system. I was really worried to say this out of fear of being too weird or somehow reverse-gatekeeping so hard that it circles back into also being a bad thing. I've just spoken to a lot of people who I still think of throughout my day, and I truly ache for them to get past the fear of creation. Because it's worth it. It's worth it and it's fun, even when it's messy and you're tired.

Let it Be just came on. Beatles. I haven't listened to The Beatles in a long time. Feels a little apropos.

I love you, reader. Reader, Writer, Colleague. Take care of yourself. Especially the little you, still sitting there in the backyard of your soul, bathing in the sun with their bare feet in the damp earth.

Consider joining them, maybe.

[safetycar-restart]

KINKTOBER DAY 19: A/B/O [MAX VERSTAPPEN X READER]

NOTE: This is an NSFW fic with omega!max and alpha!reader. If you're under 18 or this is not something you're interested in, then scroll past. If you like what you see here, then check out the rest of my blog :))

This fic is part of a kinktober series where I discuss a different kinky concept with a different motorsports athlete every day. We also discuss the concepts in more detail through asks on my blog so if you have any thoughts, feel free to stop by!

(For a while now we've been discussing the idea of omega!max crashing and then going to heat when a marshal helps him out of the car, I thought that for today's kinktober we could finally give this concept it's own fic! If anyone wants to add their own thoughts or hear more about this, please send in some asks! I'll be tagging everything with 'marshal!reader')

You watch from your marshal post as a red bull goes wide and hits the barriers, the car spins twice and then settles, losing a wheel in the process. You wait until the yellow flag is out and then rush forward to collect the debris, as you have been trained.

You check on the driver, realising it's max when you see the number on the car. You try to confirm he's conscious, but when he spots you he motions for help getting out the car. There are other marshals already clearing the debris so you do as he asks.

The moment he's out the car, he's frantically trying to get his helmet off. He appears unharmed, but you can smell the fear off him from a mile away.

The moment his helmet is off, he takes a few deep breaths, looks at you, and then just drops his helmet and gloves and dives into your arms. You nearly both topple down, having not expected it, but luckily you manage to catch him.

He whines high in his throat, turning his neck to the side as he clings to you and that's when you smell it. The scent of slick finally making itself known.

You realise he's in heat.

You try to back away, knowing you're unmated alpha and that he must be reacting to you. But he whines and clings to you even tighter, refusing to let you go.

"Don't leave," he mumbles against you, "please don't leave."

The medical car arrives but max still refuses to let you go, trying to hide against your neck.

The doctor ends up telling you to come with him, knowing that trying to get an omega in heat away from an alpha they've chosen is a losing battle. You don't want to leave your post, but your instincts are completely honed into the omega who won't let you go.

You know you have to go with them.

Max is whining the whole car ride to the medical centre, hissing at the doctor when he opens the door when they arrive. You have to coax Max out of the car, promising him that you're coming with and that you won't leave him.

Not that you would ever want to leave him.

They end up injecting heat suppressants into his arm, which calms him down enough that you can convince him to let you go and escape out the medical centre.

It hurts so much, because all your instincts are screaming at you to go back and look after the omega who has chosen you. But logically you know that's not the case. Max must have gone into a shock heat when he crashed, and you were simply the first alpha he encountered. He doesn't even know your name, there's no way it's anything more than instincts and now that he's been giving suppressants, you're sure he's going to be mortified once he can think straight.

So you leave.

What you dont know though, is that the suppressants stop working after a few hours and he asks for the marshal who helped him. They offer him several toys and other alphas, even Daniel shows up to offer to help. Max turns everyone down, crying out for the marshal.

[abearinthewoods]

Hi, I have in fact ended up on this page from velvetvexations reblogging you to mock you, so you've got that right lol

And scrolling through your blog for a while I agree with almost all you're saying, but I'm left with two questions I'm really curious about, and I hope you do take them in good faith

Why do you describe yourself as, as you said in that post, MRA? I kinda get both people being extremely wary of hearing that term *and* wanting to reclaim it, since yeah, "men's rights activist" shouldn't be an inherently bad thing to be, but it does associate you with a specific movement that was actually really shitty, and did way more to be sexist to women that to even address the actual issues men face - which you genuienly do! That's the reason it perplexes me. In my country there's a really cool charity that works for men's rights while making it known that it's working for equality and not what the MRA movement wants - and while a lot of people do hate them just because they don't care about men at all, like, I've seen their subreddit - it's an extremely toxic environment that very much supports the same structures that do oppress men.

And second question, what do you mean when you tag your posts with "anti feminism"? I haven't seen a post when you talk about it more, sorry if I've missed that, but it shows up in your tags a lot and I think may be the other reason people are fast to dismiss you. Because, yeah, the general feminist movement has a fuck ton of flaws, and a lot of it is way closer to radical feminism than the people involved would like to admit. The theory behind it, the central idea is about equality, and there are a lot of people who still do care about it though. I generally consider "the purpose of a system is what it does" a good rule, and I'm certainly not opposed to critiquing the current feminist movement, but calling it "anti feminism" specifically does sound more like opposing the core idea, and it is what usually people mean when saying they are anti feminism . It didn't seem, reading your posts that you're against actually treating women equally, so why do you choose to use a term that does imply that? It feels kinda hypocritical if you discard the whole movement/idea, but still align yourself with the MRA movement when it's even further from ideal

Again, I'm asking this out of genuine curiosity. Sorry if you've discussed it before, I didn't manage to find it, but I also haven't scrolled too terribly far.

I get why people dismiss you, but I don't think that's fair. I'd be really happy to see more of your point of few

Context: https://abearinthewoods.tumblr.com/post/768152067433021440/everytime-misandrist-assholes-like

This ask has three parts:

Why do I call myself an MRA given the connotations™?

Simple, the connotations were always bullshit. I have been posting on reddit about men's issues since obama's first term. (and arguing about it among school since the bush administration) People have always had an *idea* about what a mra is about before they ever meet one. Reactionary people (as in reacting negatively out of impulse to the basic concept of men's equality or caring about misandry) have an even stronger idea. It infects how they see the entire movement and how they interpret our words. They read this bias into everything we write, and it doesn't matter what we say or how we say it, its always some how coming from a place of misogyny.

We want to end the male only draft because it re-enforces harmful gender roles and male disposablity? Clearly its just an excuse to imagine women dying on the front line if we actually cared about men instead of using it as some excuse for hating women, we'd fight to end the draft altogether. We want to call out misandry among women? Clearly we are just neckbeard losers who can't get laid and are lashing out at women. Want to address male rape? No if we didn't hate women we would fight against rape culture and rape of women so that there would be time for men's victimization. We want to discuss our experiences being discriminated against? No, clearly we just want to drown out women's voices. Accused of claiming women oppress men, or of hating women. Interrogated with questions to prove we aren't trying to dismiss or take away from xyz "real" oppression.

Hey wait a moment, this is starting to sound like the transmasc oppression discourse. You can take any post of a trans man talking about why they use transmisandry and transandrophobia instead of what ever assholes on tumblr tell them to use and transplant that post on to my answer to the question of why I call myself an mra and not a feminist.

I'm not interested in preforming my gender advocacy under the banner of feminism, and I am not interested in giving way to people operating in (sometimes subconscious) bad faith misreading our posts to fit the ideals in their head by changing what words I use to advocate for myself or my gender to fit their biases. Its pointless because subconsciously what a lot of them object to is the advocacy in general. They are so clearly doing it to trans men now that anybody who has been paying attention on tumblr shouldn't be blind to what I'm talking about. Is it really that farfetched to some of that which was directed at trans men's advocacy was directed at cis men's advocacy?

The rest of it, the bad apples, i consider to be a counter part to something that exists in feminism. We have our terfs you have your terfs. We have our tradcons, you have your radfems. A lot of the most "known" MRAs are just the most viral who are only viral because they are controversial and get shared via ragebait. (To the point that even the less reactionary/hatefilled MRA influencers admit to dipping into ragebait just to compete. (i'm people)).

I think MRA in particular should be protected because I found it at 4th grade. it was the obvious set of words. This would be y2k bug panic year 2000 pre reddit, google, youtube, tate, peterson 4th grade me. Its a descriptor. it can not ever be allowed to be anything else. In the name of every boy who will naturally stumble upon it after facing sexism against themselves and waking up to the concept of sexism against men like I did.

Why do I tag posts anti-feminism given I seem to genuinely be for gender equality for both genders?

One reason I do it for is to normalize criticizing feminism. Its gotten way too easy to dismiss as originating from misogyny or bad faith something or another. That needs to change.

But on a bigger note, I do consider myself a kind of anti-feminist.

I think feminism has gotten too comfortable having a presumption of the moral high ground that it does not analyze its own biases about men.

A big example of what I mean is how feminism will all too often try to theory craft some gender stereotype and harmful trope filled reason for why men do xyz thing and what I need you understand is that from my position, this theorycrafting is itself an expression of bigotry. Manspreading being casted as a "patriarchal signal of domination over public spaces"? How the fuck is that not just 100% stereotype fueled bigotry? Men spread their legs in the train more than women because parents teach only girls to cross their legs (for mostly dress reasons). Not because we are operating out some malicious desire to dominate the world. Jesus fuck. It is anxiety inducing to know feminists are looking at your actions under this kind of light purely because of your gender.

There is also the issue with how feminism's way of looking at the sexism issue actually contributes to misandry. I'm referring to the obsession with privilege and "oppression" as class descriptors and how this is used to excuse "punching up" or denying men access to services they also need, its just women need a bit more. I consider this to be a core aspect to the overall ideological identity of feminism that opposing it is essentially opposing feminism as it currently exists.

The path forward is to remove the concept of oppression and privilege and patriarchy and all the petty dick measuring and bullshit excuses about "punching up" they entail from the conversation. I think this is required to move forward on gender equality. Anybody who has seen how the same fucking arguments mras were having 16 fucking years ago about the existence and validity of misandry as a concept and term, are playing out on the transmisandry tag can plainly see by now the oppression olympics have done more harm than good. Its time to stop.

Allowing this way of looking at gender issues to exist in the culture zeitgeist harms men. I read a post on here about a guy who got SA'ed in highschool because someone made his ride back home contingent on, well, things. He mentioned how he didn't have a cell phone to call his parents for a ride home but his younger sister did, specifically so something like that wouldn't happen to her. Because of this us vs them oppressed vs privileged bullshit he was not given a tool to prevent sexual assault his younger sister got.

Nope, no more. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. I will except no less moving forward.

Aren't I a hypocrite for doing both at the same time given I'm trying reclaim the MRM from the connotations set by the worse while holding feminism to the worst?

Here's the difference. When I find out somebody calls themselves a feminist, I don't assume things about them, laugh at their face, make some flippant remark based on my ideals about feminism, or even make them prove what kind of WRA (Women's rights advocate/activist) they are. I watch, listen and let them demonstrate what that means to them.

Be mindful of the distinction between The movement(the waves, etc), the general concept(anti-sexism), the ideology(the theory and written work), and the people who are associated by means of either of the three (feminists).

And lets be real. Feminism sits in the culture limelight, the men's movement does not. Feminism has the sway within corporate culture and mainstream political ideals to actually harm men when its misandry is allowed go unchecked. Meanwhile the MRM is listed as a hate group by organizations that command respect purely because of the existence of the same types of bitter hate filled vocal minority. This listing subtly hinders any men's advocacy, because, as i've said, Men's rights Advocate/Activist, is a *descriptor*. Like Civil Rights Activists or Women's Rights Activists. When you tie that strong of a negative connotation to a descriptor people will have a hard time differentiating between what ADL and SPLC are talking about and men's advocacy (what the the descriptor points to) in general. This can not be allowed to remain the status quo. It has to be pushed back against.

If feminism as a whole starts getting listed as a hate group because of "the worst of the worst" members by orgs with a lot of respect around the world and this hinders feminism's ability to gain any traction or do any advocacy for women calling me out for hypocrisy would start to become a fair cop.

One final note, I'm not even defining feminism by the worst of the worst. That once piece of shit radfem with her male tears coffee mugs aren't the standard i'm judging feminism by. The countless men and women who took to twitter to defend her right to have said mug and mocked any man who objected to it, is. The feminist leaning major publications that were pushing articles defending it as punching up and mocking any man who dared to express his emotions about it as a fragile wittle wite male, are. They (sadly) define feminism more than intersectionists on tumblr do. (as does Jezebel mag bragging about their staffers domestically abusing men) Ps: saturnian-catboy, I hope this helps you view my prospective a bit better. I could write for ever on the topic of feminism. thats why i got this blog, so i'm sure there are points i'll punch my self for forgetting. thank you for the kind words about my blog. I appreciated them.

[nyrasbloodyclover]

hypnotic (kai anderson x reader)

cw: breeding kink, eating disorder (it's really really bad), mommy issues, mentions of suicide, parental abuse, cults, kai is his own warning really, murder, overstimulation

a/n: if you're not into this pleaseeeee leaveeeeee i don't want tumblr to delete my blog again. also you can read this fic on ao3 if you'd like, link is in my pinned post. and if, by any chance, you relate to this i am so sorry.

What I wanted right now, was to get out of my house, go anywhere, just so I could stop listening to constant fighting and screaming from my parents. I couldn't bear it anymore. I had one year until college but it seemed impossible to survive that long. 

"Oh, look who locked herself in her room!" My mother bursted in and a pit started forming in my stomach. I didn't move. "When are you going to start being useful? You're in here all the time, you could start paying rent." 

Now, what was I supposed to say to that? If I told her that the reason I spent all my time in my room was because they wouldn't stop screaming at each other and I would just be their punching bag, she wouldn't listen and the situation would only get worse.

"Or maybe it's time for you to find a job. Now you're just living like a parasite." I stared. My mother was a very complex character. I think she would be capable of pulling Gone Girl on us. She has the mentality. Just saying.

My father on the other hand, he's weak. Or she made him weak. I don't remember the last time he stood up for himself. He's tired, I can see that clearly. I just wish they would get a divorce. It's so draining to wake up everyday and live in fear that your every move is going to be a mistake, something to criticize. 

I don't remember the last time I felt truly at peace, but I could afford myself distractions. That's how I ended up scrolling through Tumblr 12 hours per day and forgetting to eat because the skinny girls I came across were just so pretty. Food was my enemy. We couldn't stand each other. And the guilt simply because of eating was the worst feeling ever.

Empty is pretty. And I wanted to look pretty, so I starved. It was my sport. It still is. The joy of seeing my hipbones and ribs after some time was indescribable. I loved to lay awake at night and touch my bones, feel them as I tried to fall asleep. Of course, there were many times when I just couldn't take it anymore and I binged. I would regret it immediately and restrict even more.

"Alright. I'll find a job." I stared at her with empty eyes. I was dizzy, almost like I got drunk. She exited the room and slammed the doors behing her. I think I'm never going to fully understand her.

I stared at my ceiling, having no energy to move, even though I had unfinished assignments hanging above my head, screaming at me to do them, but I just wanted to sleep. School can wait. I think my red lipstick was smudged, but I had no energy to take it off. My hair was a mess, too. I tried to straighten it but my natural waves were too stubborn. I fell asleep.

A week passed. My life stayed the same except for my new job at the restaurant—The Butchery On Main.

The two sweet women who own it were kind enough to let me work even though they don't employ people under eighteen. I worked mostly after my school, until the closing. I didn't mind since I got to leave the house and get a break from my parents. 

People were nice, I took their orders, served their food. The restuarant was mostly empty during my shifts, but nonetheless it was almost hard, working with food. All those calories around me made me want to puke. And I wasn't much of a puker. I had the urge to binge. It was disgusting. But I wasn't going to throw all my work out of the window just like that. 

I had my diet coke and if I got hungry Ivy said that I could eat whatever I wanted, and I wanted cucumber. With pepper. They had those.

Today, I had much free time so I was just sitting at one of the tables and doing my homework while scrolling through Tumblr and eating freshly peeled cucumber with some seasoning on top. I was thriving. I was almost happy. It seemed impossible.

The door opened. A man walked in. He was dressed in black from head to toe and what stood out the most was his blue hair with grown out roots. He walked like he owned the building and everyone in it. I immediately stood up, while he was pulling out his chair, fixing my uniform. I let him read through the menu for a couple of seconds and then decided to approach.

"What would you like to order?" I smiled. I was nice. I am always nice. Why hasn't he looked at me yet? Why is he ignoring my presence? His head was bowed down until he raised it and I was met with black pools that stared at me, or rather through me. I felt dizzy and it wasn't the diet.

"Surprise me," he cocked his head, "I would love to see what you liberals like to eat the most. Maybe it'll make me change my political views."

"Al..right," I dragged on, "Is that all?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Everything will be done in a minute." I wanted to get away from him, as soon as possible. He was probably some Trump obsessed republican who's most likely to tell me to make him a sandwich. Which I am practically doing right now. But I couldn't deny it - He had a beautiful face. I wouldn't consider him that attractive if it weren't for his dead, piercing eyes that silently commanded you to obey every one of his rules. 

The food was ready. I had a feeling I would fall on my face next time I locked my eyes with his, which wasn't good. I didn't even know his name! Rachel, one of the cooks, handed me the best steak they had, house's special, "Who is it for?"

I didn't dare look at him. "The one with the blue hair. Just please don't stare. He's creeping me out."

Her eyes went wide, "That's Kai Anderson."

I looked at her blandly. The name didn't mean anything to me.

"You seriously need to watch more television."

"I'm fine, thanks. And if he's some menatlly deranged politician, then I'm not really missing out."

All the politics drained me, and don't get me wrong, I loved to be informed, but when I had to argue with someone about basic human rights, I'd rather not know anything.

I walked over to his table, and put the food on it. "I hope you're not vegan. Either way, enjoy your food." I kept my eyes everywhere, just not on him. He was so unsettling. I had to get away.

"I certainly will," he said and I walked away without a second glance. Jesus Christ, his mere presence was intense.

My shift ended in half an hour and that's when the restaurant was supposed to close. Ivy left early because of some family emergency, so she asked me to close and lock everything for her. I changed into my regular clothes—denim skirt and a white button down with my favorite black sweater, docs and a pair of knee socks. I untangled my hair and tried to brush it out with my fingers.

The tables were empty. Well, mostly. So-called Kai Anderson was still here, not even eating, just looking at some papers and flipping them over, for a while now.

I needed some extra balls to approach him and ask him to leave. Why did I accept to be the last one here? I could've been home by now, sleeping or watching a sitcom, but instead I'm stuck in this building with the strangest and the scariest man I've ever met. But then again, If I were home, my mother would be screaming at me. So I guess it's a win? Also I had to thank Kai for occupying my mind and not letting me think about food. I seriously needed to go to bed before I ended up eating something. Or worse- binging. I think I had less than 200 calories today which is a sign that I am slowly approaching danger zone. It isn't a diet anymore. I can't eat normally. I thought I could go back, but I guess my body won't let me. Or was it my mind?

"Miss?" Someone waved before my eyes.

"Yes? Sorry." Kai was standing beside the table that I occupied. 

"Are you closing soon?"

Should I lie? But then again, he isn't stupid. "Yes. Do you want to pay?"

"Oh no. I already did. I just wondered what occupied your mind that much." He had no idea.

"Nothing much. Just tired I guess. Can't seem to balance school and work."

"Ah. You see," he sat across me, "I don't believe you."

"Okay? I didn't try to be persuasive."

He smirked. Dear God, why was he so creepy but so hot at the same time?

"I still want to know what made you zone out for that long." Has he been staring at me the whole time?

"That's creepy. I don't even know you."

"What's that got to do with anything? I just asked you to tell me what's been botherung you. You looked fucking stressed."

"It really doesn't matter." I just wanted him to leave. 

"Wait. Here, I'll give you..." he reached into his  back pocket, "Fifty bucks if you tell me."

My lips curved. Come on, you can't blame me. Extra cash at my age isn't something you just don't accept.

"Ah! I knew it," he smiled, "Come on, doll, speak."

"It isn't anything interesting. My mom is just being a bitch, nothing unusual." I gave him the least I could and snatched the cash from his hand.

"She isn't letting you sleep over at your boyfriend's or something?" He laughed like I had the dumbest reason for not liking my mother.

"Not really. She just...Wants too much, I guess? And I'm not able to give her that." It felt weird saying that out loud. I think I never said it.

He stared at me for a second.

"I want to show you a trick." He put his right hand on the table. "Don't worry. It's something me and my older brother always used to do when we were little."

He reached with his pinky finger over to my hand. We locked fingers like we were making a pinky promise. 

"This is weird. And please hurry. My shift ends in fifteen minutes." 

"We have enough time. Okay, listen. Pinky power. Once the skin contact is made, no lies can be told and whatever we say, stays between us," he narrowed his black eyes, "Trust me, if you lie, I will know. Ready?"

When did I agree to this? Well, fuck it, I'll do it anyway.

"Do you love your family?" He asked, his expression serious.

"Yes." His mouth twitched.

"Do you like your family?"

"Absolutely not." I shook my head.

"Why is that?" 

How do I explain this to him without sounding like a total maniac? "My father is weak, he doesn't know how to stand up for himself. And my mother screams at me for merely existing. Her favorite hobby is emotionally draining me, then pulling my hair or slapping me because she feels like it. She regrets having me. I think she wants me to kill myself. It would be easier to have a dead daughter." My mind went blank. I felt nothing in that moment. Whatever he asked, I was going to tell him.

"Did you ever try to kill yourself?," he asked with a flat voice.

I thought for a second. Should I tell him the whole truth? He said he's going to know if I lie, but that doesn't mean...

"Don't think too much." His eyes went dark while I was literally choking under pressure of his gaze.

"No. I was never suicidal. I like living. But I..." words were stuck in my throat, "I...Sometimes, she would starve me. Saying I didn't deserve it. I had no money to buy something to eat. So I made a game out of it. I developed a disorder. It was the only thing I had some control over. I started it out of spite, but now it's real. It's worse than ever. But I don't want to stop."

His expression never changed. Not once. "Do you hate your mother for that?"

"You have no idea."

"I think I do have some idea about hating one of your parents. So, from experience, I need to ask you one more question."

I nodded. "Have you ever dreamt about killing her?"

I wanted to pull back from him, but his hand wouldn't let me. He pulled me even closer. "We can't break the contact," he gritted through his teeth.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," I exhaled, "Yes. And no."

"Elaborate." 

The restuarant was silent. I couldn't even hear the sound of cars outside. Lights were practically out. 

"I...I wanted her dead. But I don't think I would be able to do it. I had a," I inhaled, "A fantasy about someone killing her while I watched. It's so fucked up, but I just couldn't help it. It brought me relief that she was gone and someone cared enough to get rid of her for me." 

I was scared to look at him. He was going to call the mental ward and lock me there. I was fucked. Why did I tell him all of that? 

I looked up.

He was smiling. It wasn't a sympathetic smile, or a sad smile, or anything similar to that. He was grinning like a maniac. He released my hand and I realized my eyes were filled with tears. I blinked them away. 

He shook his head with closed eyes, "You're perfect. Perfect."

My voice was low, weak. "What? How could you think that after what I just told you?"

"Don't ask too many questions. I have a solution for you because I know you're destined for greater things. Tell me, do you wish to never be under your mother's thumb again?"

"I mean, yes? That's going to be when I turn eighteen, so I have to be patient."

He laughed. "Oh, no, baby, no. She's never going to let you go. She'll suffocate you until there is nothing left but a shell. No matter the age or what the law says, you'll always be controlled. While she's alive, at least."

"What are you saying?"

"Do you want my help? Do you wish to be finally free?"

This was so fucked up. I never met this man in my life. Why was he offering me help?

"What's in it for you?"

He cocked his head, "I get to keep you by my side."

My mouth was dry. I was scared, but...excited. Thrill rushed down my body as this psychopath was staring at me, offering me a sick escape. I was supposed to say no. I was supposed to save my soul.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"I want your help."

He looked so happy, it made me happy.

"Good. Then, we're leaving now." I was hypnotized by him. I just nodded, not asking where or why, my mother taught me I shouldn't get in the cars with strangers, especially men, but my mother was also the reason for many of my problems. I'll do something that'll piss her off.

I got into Kai's car and shut the door. I was okay with the fact that he might end up killing me.

He said nothing for the most of the ride, but I noticed him glancing over at my skirt that rose up to my thighs. I didn't bother pulling it down. I mean, I wore mini skirts for a reason, right?

I pretended not to notice as I looked at my reflection in the closed window. Hollow cheeks, red lipstick, pale face. I was obsessed. I always wanted to look like a corpse with make up. My face was perfect, lipstick untouched, mascara a little smudged, dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights. 

"You know you could eat a burger." I looked at him. I almost wanted to hug him. His words made me feel proud, like I achieved something big. And I guess I did.

"Really? Do you know that you're the first person ever to tell me that?" I felt weird happiness in my chest. 

"Well, yeah. Why do you look so surprised? I didn't mean it as a compliment. You have a problem. I'm not even sure it's supposed to be a compliment." He frowned, not taking his eyes off the road.

"It doesn't matter if it's supposed to be a compliment or not. Thank you for saying it." I didn't give two fucks if he thought I was some anorexic lunatic that needed years of therapy. I was happy. And he wasn't my parent or my guardian to tell me what to do.

"Just think about it. What's the point of being so skinny? It's not even attractive."

"The point is in being clean. I don't want to see a pound of fat on my body. It's disgusting. And I am to do with my body as I please. I don't give a fuck if someone likes to eat like a fucking pig because It's not my body, and certainly not my problem." I was so angry. Who the fuck he thought he was?

"Just saying. You look sick. And I mean really, really sick."

"I am aware. Like I'm also aware that I'm fucked in the head. And that's the reason for all of this," I gestured over my figure. 

I could feel his anger. He didn't like that I disagreed with him and stood up for myself, even if I was wrong.

"We're here." He suddenly said, getting out of the car. I followed him into the house I guessed was his. The whole neighborhood was silent. Lights were off everywhere. 

We got into his house and I didn't even got to see it clearly because he practically dragged me into his basement and started changing. He put on a black leather coat while looking for something. His phone? He called someone.

"I'm expecting you'll be here in five? Well don't try to make up excuses. This is a perfect opportunity. I don't care— No, drag yourself and your pathetic wife here." He called two more people and I just stood in the middle of the room staring at him. 

"What's your adress?" Was he really doing that now? "You know what, never mind. I found it." I wasn't going to ask him how. He looked like the person who instead of Instagram browsed dark web. 

"Okay, let's go. They're here." I had to ask him because he said nothing about it. I had to be sure.

"Why are we going to my house?"

Beat. A moment. "To kill your mother, of course."

There were other people with us, but I couldn't see their faces because of the creepy clown masks. Kai had one too. I felt like I was drugged. I didn't know what happened to me. I suppose I had enough. I know Kai is not the answer for my problems, at least not all of them. He's going to get rid of her and then what? No. Stop thinking. 

I listened to my brain this time. It was late. My parents were probably asleep. Probably in separate beds. It's going to be easier for Kai and the others to do the job. They kept their mouths shut and I didn't blame them. I still wasn't sure if I was part of this sick cult or whatever it was. I read enough about them to recognize a cult leader when I see one. 

The car suddenly stopped. We were in front of my house.

"This played out so good, little lamb. I knew you were perfect." Kai's voice was muffled under that mask and his words made my heart flutter. He was so sick. "Don't just stand there, baby. Be a good host. Invite us in. Come on," he gestured with one gloved hand towards my house. I felt everyone's eyes on me as I turned my back and started walking towards the door. What did he mean by this playing out good? Did he plan this before? It certainly did not matter.

We got in, doors creaking, but not enough to wake anyone up. My father was downstairs, in the guestroom, but my Satanic mother was in their bedroom. I went first, up the stairs, one by one, they followed me, Kai first, then the rest of them. 

I showed them the doors. 

Kai got in and they followed him. I shut the door behind me. I felt like I was seeing things through someone else's eyes. I didn't feel guilt and I wasn't regretting my decision. I remember everything through a coat of blur. Knives, a lot of them. They killed her in her sleep. Stabbed her too many times, I lost count. Sheets were soaked with red and the room started smelling like iron too. Kai used her blood to draw some sign on the wall that was facing the bed. It looked like a smiley face, but I wasn't sure. The job was done. I was free. I was free of any charges, since I wasn't home when it happened. I was going to sleep in my bed and wake up in the morning, shocked, petrified, screaming for help, calling the police, my father is going to be terrified too, but relieved. He would never admit it thought. 

We were in the car again. Then in front of Kai's house. "Leave. I want some time alone with our newest member."

"Kai, no. You can't drag her into this. She's just a child—" A feminine voice scorned him under her mask.

"Don't tell me what to do, Winter. Now leave," he raised his voice and I flinched. "We have much to talk about." He took off his mask and smiled knowingly at me. I wasn't scared of him anymore, though I knew I should be. He killed my mother for Christ's sake! 

We went into his basement again. The lights were already on and I watched him as he took off his mask and black coat. His shirt was soaked with my mother's blood. 

"What did you want to talk about?" I cocked my head.

"You were so good. I knew you could do it. Next time, maybe you'll even be the one holding the knife. You didn't even flinch!" He paced through the room and laughed, like he was talking to himself.

"You didn't do this for me, did you?"

He stopped, then looked at me, "I already told you. This played out perfectly. And I've been watching for quite some time now," his eyes darkened "When I found out that the woman who's been talking shit about me over her social media had a daughter, I had to see if she was as bitchy as her mother." Oh, so he did this to save his reputation. Of course.

"And," I swallowed, "Is she?"

He didn't answer me. Instead he marched to the other side of the room and pushed me against the wall, slamming his lips on mine. I was out of breath, not being able to process everything. Oh my god, he was kissing me! This insane, sick in the head, narcissistic, 30-something, psychopath was kissing me and I opened my mouth to him like the whore I was. I wanted him to touch me. No, I needed his blood stained hands on me right now. 

I pulled one of his hands and put it on my chest as his tongue continued to explore my mouth. He took off my sweater and shirt. I was left in a black bra and skirt.

"Aren't you scared of being arrested for fucking a minor?"

"I commited far more monstrous crimes than fucking a seventeen year old and you know it, " he breathed into my mouth. Red lipstick was smudged over his lips. His hand that was on my chest slipped under my skirt and found my panties. 

"You know it," his fingers entered me with ease, "And yet, you're still so fucking wet for me." My mouth fell open as he buried his fingers deeper if that was even possible. I wasn't a virgin, but then again, I've never been with a man. I took my own virginity so that I didn't have to bother. 

"Kai—" I breathed. I needed more.

He sat on one of the chairs beside the circular table and pulled me onto his lap, his thigh between my legs. My clit was aching for some king of friction so I started rubbing myself against the rough fabric of his jeans. 

"Aren't you desperate?" He pushed me on the floor, between his legs, he pulled out his belt and unzipped his pants. His intentions were clear and I was happy to oblige, but I had to touch myself or I'd go insane. I started stroking his already hard dick and rubbing my clit at the same time. 

He noticed. And he wasn't happy about it. "I thought you were going to be patient. But I guess not." He took his belt and with one move he tied my hands behind my back while I was still kneeling in front of him.

"Please, I just need to—"

"Yes, yes, I know, but you have to deserve it. Am I right?"

I nodded hesitantly and he scooped up my hair in his fist and used it to pull my head down. I took him into my mouth as the wetness and ache grew between my legs. 

Kai continued to pull my head down until his tip hit the back of my throat and I gagged. He chuckled.

My eyes teared up as I sucked his dick like my life depended on it.

He grunted and raised his hips, so I knew he was close. And I knew he was going to either come in my mouth or...

He pulled out and finished on my tits, painting my chest with his cum. 

"You were so good," he said with his head tilted back and eyes closed. He let my hair fall down my back and over my face. Kai dressed and got up, then pulled me with him, still tied.

He slammed me on the desk and I was able to just lay there and let him do whatever he wanted to me. Not that I minded.

"I feel like I'm going to break you," he said as he traced my very visible ribs with the tips of his fingers. "Break every bone in your body." 

I could feel my stomach sinking in and his words made me even a bigger mess than I already was. "Do it, please, please," I cried out as my hips rose towards him. 

"Since you asked so nicely...And the skirt stays on. Do you know how much willpower it took me not to bury my hand under your skirt and make you beg for more while we were driving?" He pulled my skirt up and didn't even bother to take off the panties, he just ripped them. He towered over me as I layed on his table, feeling the cool air on my swollen clit. 

Kai's fingers went over my aching pussy and my back arched towards his touch. He did nothing for a split second and then came the first slap. I yelped as the burning spread between my legs, but I didn't tell him to stop. He slapped me even harder and I cried out, most ungodly sounds coming from my mouth.

"Don't worry, you can scream as loud as you'd like."

He slapped my dripping cunt once more and after that I was sure I was going to feel his hands on me days after. He didn't wait for me to recover from his brutality, instead he buried two fingers inside me and started scissoring, wanting to spread me even wider. I threw my head back as he added one more. He buried them knuckle deep inside me and began curling them.

"I feel like you're a big girl. You can take one more." He didn't wait for my agreement. His four fingers were inside, making my pussy burn with pleasure. I wasn't able to form words. He spat on me and started massaging my clit while almost his whole hand was thrusting in and out of me. I felt pressure deep in my lower stomach and started panting and moaning for him to continue, but he did exactly the opposite. 

My cunt was left empty without his fingers and I could almost cry. I just needed a bit more.

"Don't look so upset. I'm not finished with you." 

Kai untied me and took his belt. He spread my legs as wide as he could and started spanking my pussy with it. I screamed more in pain than surprise, "Kai, no, stop, please stop-"

The pain was unbearable, but it was just enough  for my clit to start pulsing more and that pressure in my belly to grow. I screamed in pain as he continued to hit me with no mercy. I could feel my walls clenching and my back arched as I came undone. Orgasm hit me and I came down from my high, but Kai didn't stop. 

He started rubbing my abused cunt, overstimulating it. He was deaf to my begging and crying. It was too much. There was no pleasure anymore, just pure pain, but he continued to massage it and after a couple of minutes I was shaking with another orgasm. I knew I was too sensitive, but when I tried to close my legs, he stopped me. Then I noticed his rock hard dick under his jeans and my heart dropped. I was going to pass out. He was going to use me, not caring for my pleasure anymore.

"Just hold still a little more, doll." He pulled his dick out and slammed himself inside me, making my eyes roll to the back of my head. Everything hurt, but he didn't care. His thrusts were fast and rough, I couldn't keep up. I could feel his orgasm building and he had no intention of pulling out. Kai continued to slam into me until he reached his peak. He filled me with his seed and when he finally pulled out I could feel it dripping from my pussy.

Kai helped me get up and as he was untying his belt, his hot breath was on my neck. "Welcome to the cult, baby."

[jasntodds]

Petrichor [17]

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader (little bit of fwb)

Words: 12,212

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, angst, little bit of hurt/comfort, blood, gunshot, canon violence, mention of Jason pushing a serial rapist from a building

Summary: ❝Pylades: I’ll take care of you. Orestes: It’s rotten work. Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.❞

Gotham is home, not just for Jason but for you, too. And now that you’re both finally back home, together, you’re ready to see where this next chapter brings the two of you. He’s your best friend and you’re his. And you both might want a little something more with being back home, the place you both feel most comfortable. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong now.

A/N: I can't believe we're almost done with season 3 and then we can move onto season 4 (I have a plan) lol You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary  and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

You're still sitting on Jason's bed, eating a few of the granola bars he gave you and drinking water to gather the energy to make your way back to the manor. And for just this hour, it's peaceful. You're scrolling on your phone as it charges, just scrolling through Instagram and catching up on some things you've missed while also quickly scrolling away from whatever chaos about Gotham someone is posting. It's peaceful for once even when you know it won't be soon. It is nice. For right now.

But, then your phone starts vibrating before your scrolling is interrupted with a video taking up your entire screen. The screen is black for a few seconds before the Batman symbol appears on your screen as Crane's voice starts talking.

"Gotham City used to have a protector, a guardian angel." Crane's voice says as it switches to a red Titans symbol.

That's not good.

"But Batman abandoned Gotham and left Nightwing and his friends in his place." A screen showing every Titan, including Sam, shows up on the screen with "Titans wanted" at the bottom of the screen. Then it switches to a clip of Nightwing fighting. "And what has Nightwing done?" Crane asks as texts calling Nightwing a thief, liar, and a conman flash across the clip. "He's robbing you. Poisoning the very water you drink," The clip changes to one of Gar as a tiger, attacking someone. "The water you give your children. Nightwing is a criminal." The clip changes to one of Nightwing and Starfire blowing up one of the drum barrels that poisoned the water. "Protected by Gotham City Police. Only you can stop him. There will be a $50,000 reward paid to the person who brings him in. Dead or alive." The clip changes again to a clip of Gar changing into a tiger. "But take heart Gotham, a new hero will rise and you will know his name." The clip changes to Jason's Red Hood symbol with a picture of the helmet on top. "Red Hood."

"Oh fuck." You groan.

None of you can really catch a break for longer than five minutes. And you find yourself even more irritated that Crane had the audacity to think Jason would just go back to him after almost killing you. Crane really thinks you don't mean anything to each other and you swear that's his downfall, underestimating what you mean to each other. Because Crane doesn't know Jason isn't going to be on his side anymore. Though this video seems like it's going to complicate things.

It's been bad enough with Jason wanting Dick dead the last few weeks but now the entire city of Gotham is going to want him dead. Gothamites already aren't thrilled with the Titans and this going to push them over the edge. They're already upset Batman abandoned them after Robin was killed. It seems like the city didn't mean too much to Batman if he fucks off the second Robin is killed. Gotham has been absconded and Crane is going to use their distrust and distaste over the situation against the Titans.

You let out an annoyed huff before ripping your phone from the charger and grabbing another granola bar for the road. You have to get back to the manor before every citizen in Gotham decides to become a bounty hunter. You don't have your suit but you're thinking it might be safer to get the hell out of the city sooner rather than later.

When you get to the manor, it's empty. The manor has always had a way of seeming just a little too quiet. It's a big space with only a handful of people living in the halls at any given time. It didn't bother you much before, because Jason's voice tended to bounce off the walls, etch itself into the plaster. And with so many Titans around, it filled a bit of the silent void but today, as you walk in, it's quiet. The hairs on the back of your neck start to stand on end because, from your experience, quiet in a place that's not usually quiet, is bad. You grab a knife from your belt as you make your way, quietly into the Batcave.

With every step, you try to figure out why you're being so paranoid about this. It's the Batcave. No one outside of the Titans or Bruce would even be down here and the Titans are likely out trying to sort out the mess Crane just created for them. But, something in you grips your knife tighter as if it's some sort of sick reflex to always dread for the worst. Maybe that's growing to be a bit exhausting, too.

Your worry washes away as you enter the main area of the cave and see Dick standing in front of the Batcomputer with his arms crossed, his eyes glued to the monitor. You pocket your knife as you continue to walk closer to him, gaining his attention. A sense of relief pools at the bit of Dick's stomach to see you're alive and walking. It wasn't just Gar that was worried about what happened to you.

"Where the hell were you?" Dick questions, not skipping a beat.

"Walking." You shake your head, looking at the screens to see the other Titans fighting what seems to be civilians. "Given the broadcast Crane put out, do you really think it's such a good idea to have them fighting civilians?" You look up at Dick, a look of worry and sorrow washing over your tired features.

Dick gives you a harsh glare that softens the second his eyes meet yours. He shakes his head before looking back at the Batcomputer. You watch Kory fight someone and watch their body twist into positions it should not. The man gets up, foaming viciously from the mouth like a bad case of rabies.

"Kory." Dick warns.

"What the fuck did I miss?" You question as you scrunch your nose in disgust.

It has to be the water because the more you watch, it's as if this person is bending like a zombie from a movie or something. He won't stay down and he looks rabid but his bones are broken and it's as if he doesn't even notice. It almost reminds you of the Rage Virus from 28 Days Later, just without the blood.

Kory takes another hit to the man and this time he goes and stays down.

"A lot." Dick mutters. "Maybe it wasn't a good idea, me staying here."

"No, you got a fifty thousand dollar bounty on your head. It'd only make things worse." Kory says.

"I got another one." Gar says as a man with an axe starts to walk towards him and fight. "Oh, come on, Pal." Gar groans before he starts fighting this guy until he goes down.

"Looks like the worst of it is over." Dick says, not seeing any other civilians that look to be affected.

"Hold that thought." Kory says as more innocent civilians walk over but they all keep their distance from the Titans.

"Please, don't hurt us." A civilian yells.

"Shit." Dick mutters.

On the one hand, you're a little offended these people saw one video and immediately switched sides. But, on the other, Batman abandoned them and ever since Nightwing and the Titans showed up, Gotham has been more of a shitshow than usual. To some extent, you can kind of see why they're upset and distrusting of the Titans. It's also Crane who can manipulate most people. But you want to know where their sense of loyalty is. So many people just throw their loyalty to the side when one thing goes wrong. You think it's actually pretty sad.

"Everything's alright." Kory assures them.

"You're Titans, Nightwing's gang."

"No, we're not much of a gang, really. More like roommates." Gar says back, trying to make light of the situation the best he can.

"Just get the fuck out of here and leave us alone." Another civilian says.

"We're here to help." Conner says. "That video you saw, it's all lies."

"They're the reason the water's poisoned." A civilian yells.

"Kory, get em out of there." Dick states.

"He wants us to just leave?" Conner asks.

"I vote stay. Give them a good reminder of which side we're on." Blackfire says.

"If you stay, it'll only get worse." Dick says. "Get out. Now."

The Titans do as directed, leaving the people to themselves. You look up to Dick who just looks frustrated. It must be hard to make a call like that when he's been raised for years to always help. The people have always wanted his help. Now, they don't want anything to do with him or the Titans. The Titans became some sort of collateral damage in it. It can't be easy and you feel for him.

"So..." You clear your throat, breaking the silence. "You were right. He did plan to poison people but...he just outed that? And the GCPD also put out a warning anyway? So, most of the city isn't infected."

"Luckily. We just have bounties on our heads while we're dealing with this." Dick lets out a scoff. "Do you want to explain what the hell happened last night?" Dick looks back at you with the raise of his brows, a look you're kind of tired of receiving. It's always the look of disappointment that makes you feel guilty.

"Well...I just...I just wanted to make sure you weren't gonna attack Jason so I went. And then, uh, I ran into Tim who was following Jason." You explain, earning a look screaming 'told you so' from Dick. "Crane was there first though, picked up a gun, and then he shot us." You look to the floor, your heart still feeling like it's filled with lead at the thought of Tim lying on the ground. "And I told Jason to run when he showed up because I knew you'd blame him because you always do. Took some convincing but he listened and I said I'd talk to you. It was all Crane. Not Jason." You nod your head once. "Then...I just-just couldn't do so I left and walked around. I ended up at Jason's a couple hours ago."

Dick nods his head with understanding. As much as he would appreciate you listening to him every once in awhile, he's starting to accept that you're going to do what's best for you and Jason regardless on what he says. Some part of him might find some part of that at least admirable. At least someone here has some loyalty, even if it ends up hurting the Titans. Most of him is still annoyed though and really wants you to understand that what he does and says is for everyone's best interest. Jason included most of the time. But, he is glad you're okay.

"So Crane shot the both of you because you were there?" Dick asks for clarity.

"Basically. I think he really just wants me dead but Tim was there. Which, uh...h-how is-is he?" You ask, dodging Dick's face.

"I don't know." Dick answers honestly. "He had a pulse when the ambulance took him."

"Cool." You nod softly, knowing you'll need to find your way to the hospital or Excellent Gotham later to find out how he is. "So, um...Jason's still on our side, by the way."

"Are you sure?"

You nod. "Yeah, Crane shot me and tried to kill me." You offer a wide smile. "He's a dead man walking now." You offer a chuckle. "So, he's working with Crane now to try and find out what his next step is. Poisoning the water system can't be his only plan, especially with that video. Jason wasn't gone long enough to have shit to do with it so he's got something else planned and Jason's going to try and get it out of him by pretending to be on his side."

Dick pauses, squinting his eyes at you before he looks back to the monitor. He doesn't like it because he's not sure they can trust Jason. You can all you want. You haven't been Jason's target the last two weeks. But, if this works, at least they have someone on the inside.

"What makes you think Crane will believe Jason is still with him?" Dick asks. "If you've been someone Crane has wanted dead and Jason refused, why would that suddenly change?"

"Because Crane is an arrogant ass." You quip right back. "He already had that video ready to go. He knew Jason would come back to him regardless. Though, I think he might have thought I'd die and I didn't. But, with the video up, I think Crane thinks he still has Jason. Also, Jason is more than willing to convince him just to tear him down later. Revenge is great motivation." You nod your head with confidence.

"Right." Dick nods his head, looking a bit displeased with your last words. "Alright, fine." Dick agrees knowing having Jason not trying to kill them is a lot better than nothing. "Where does that leave you then? I need to know where you plan to stand with everything that's happening."

"Since Crane grouped me with you guys, I'm with you and yes, I will listen." You roll your eyes.

"Yeah, I've heard that before." Dick snarks back.

"Yeah." You laugh softly. "Well, I'm with you guys. Gotta be anyway. Gotta make Crane think me and Jason are on opposite sides." You shrug your good shoulder.

Dick nods softly. "Alright." He clears his throat. "You're gonna stick with Gar this time."

"Stick with Gar." You echo.

"Good." Dick nods his head, grabbing his jacket from the chair. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." You nod your head quickly. "Uh...Jason helped. He, uh, he got the bullet out and everything so I'm good." You offer him a thumbs-up with a closed-mouth smile.

"Okay, good. I'm glad you're okay." Dick nods once. "I'm going to meet with Babs, the Titans are on their way back. Stay here until they get back and fill them in."

"Will do, Dickolas." You nod your head once, sucking in a breath before Dick shakes his head and heads out of the Batcave.

When the Titans get back, you fill them in just as Dick asked you to. They aren't too happy about being pulled out from the streets but they also understand Dick's point of view of the situation. Everyone just hopes his meeting with Babs is to think of some sort of plan to get the city back. So, while you all wait for Dick to get back and tell you the next move, Gar shows you some of the things he's found about the Lazarus Pit including Bruce's notes about Ra's al Ghul. It doesn't say where the Pit is. It does say there are more but Bruce had sealed most of them off. That's all Gar really got so the two of you dive in to find out if you can find out how Ra's made it and what else it could be used for. It doesn't sit right with either of you that Jason was brought back to life using the Pit but no one even knows where it is or how it works or how it was created. So, you search as you wait.

When Dick comes back, he gathers everyone in the living room for a meeting. He stands in front of the main living area while everyone is scattered around, standing and waiting for what he has to say. Dick then explains that him and Babs think it's in everyone's best interest if the Titans turn themselves in. The room falls deadly silent with his words, everyone mostly looking at each other before looking back to Dick. According to Dick, it's for the best and it'll be just a show.

"So, we turn ourselves in and then what?" Gar asks.

"And then we post bail." Dick says. "Continue doing our work but in a less public way. Work in the shadows. Take the city back night by night. It's not gonna be easy and it's not gonna be fast but we can do it. If you have a better idea, please now's the time." Dick gestures a hand to the room before crossing his arms.

"They hate us." Gar says softly, voice etched in hints of defeat.

"They've been manipulated into hating us by Crane." Kory corrects.

"Y/n, Conner, Blackfire, what do you think?" Dick asks.

"It was brutal out there. I don't want to be looked at like that again." Conner says, his voice almost matching Gar's.

"Well, surrender isn't my thing. But I am used to people looking at me like I'm a monster so whatever you all decide on, I'm in." Blackfire states.

You hang your head and you think it's a horrible idea. You trust Babs, absolutely but there are parts of the GCPD that have been corrupt long before and long before her dad and long before Barnes. It doesn't matter how good someone's intentions are in the GCPD because there are always others within the PD who don't care about the greater good or what's good for even themselves. If anyone should know that, it should be the former detective. Does Dick really think him and Babs can just protect all of you? If people in the GCPD were corrupt before, they're going to be corrupt now. Crane got the entire city to hate all of you with one video, how do you all know Crane doesn't have eyes in the department?

"I think it's a bad idea." You say quietly.

"You weren't out there." Conner states.

"No, I know." You nod your head. "And I don't care if people look at me like that. They look anyway." You say softly, tugging your sleeve over your hands. "I just...we trust Babs but does Babs trust every single person in the department?" You look back at Dick.

"We won't be dealing with everyone. It'll be a select few to put on a show, make it seem legit." Dick explains. "You're just coming to our side. It's up to you if you want to go through with this."

You look to Gar and maybe it's against your better judgment but they are your friends, your family. You've done everything to protect Jason and it seems like that might be fixing itself now. Which means you need to fix your own relations with the Titans. And that, for you, means following Dick even if you think it's a bad idea. Plus, you really need to sell you being with the Titans, at least for Jason's own safety against Crane. You don't want him getting wind of Jason not actually being on his side.

"No, I'll do it." You nod your head, earning a quick look from Gar, surprised you agreed. "You just have to be sure this is going to be safe. I trust Babs. I don't trust any other person in that entire department."

"Why not?" Conner asks.

You look to Conner and you don't want to burst his bubble into trusting this plan. You will happily pop the bubble of police for him later. "Just don't." You keep it short.

"It'll be safe." Dick assures you.

"Alright then." You agree.

"Kory?" Dick asks.

"We've played it by the book so far and this is where it's led us. So, maybe you're right. Maybe we try a new way. I'm in." Kory says.

"Alright then, let's suit up." Dick states. "We go in together. As a team. As a family."

While Dick was busy talking with the Titans about turning yourselves in, Jason is the one who started to panic with pure rage. After Jason's managed to convince Crane that they're still good and Jason agrees with him, Crane got word from one of his moles in the department. The commissioner is setting up for the Titans to be "arrested" and then let you all post bail. The commissioner is in on it but Crane was prepared for that. The commissioner has always had a hand in helping Batman and company. So, when Crane gets word, he sends Jason with a bag full of money to pay this mole off with several of the other cops who ride with him to take in the Titans. Override the commissioner. Bring the Titans to Crane.

If Crane gets the Titans, with everything in the Batcave, that's where Jason's worry comes in. The Titans still stand a good chance but if Crane gets all of these guys to go with him and given how unlucky the Titans have been lately, Jason is growing more and more concerned. If Crane has the Titans, the city goes to Hell. It will be destroyed. Jason doesn't know what else Caane is planning but he does know whatever it is, it's not for the greater good of the city. So, he does what Crane asks him, hoping he'll be able to call the Titans to call it off. Maybe Dick will say the others didn't want any part of it. Or maybe you will back out of it if you even agreed to it in the first place and then you and Jason can figure something out. So, once the deal is done and the plan is set into motion, Jason calls you.

But, as his own luck would have it, you don't answer. It rings and rings and then just goes to voicemail. His best guess? Dick has already set the plan into motion with all of you and you're preparing to turn yourselves in. You're going to side with Dick to make this whole thing believable even though Jason figures you're against this whole plan. You're too smart to fall for something like this. You'll go overprepared but you'll be the only one. So, Jason keeps calling, desperate to warn you and he tries Dick but that goes to voicemail, too. He tries Gar and nothing. None of you are answering your phones which leaves him two choices.

Keep trying until one of you picks up and hope for the best. Or, he can go to GCPD himself to try and warn you -- or help if he's too late.

Once all of you are suited up and ready to go, Dick goes over the plan one more time just for extra clarity to make sure everyone is on the same page. All of you are going to pile into some SUVs, ride over, walk in, and then Babs will take it from there having you all be fake processed and the bail will be fake. Then, all of you get to go right back to the manor. In and out. It seems simple but no part of this has been simple. But, none of you argue. All of you nod along and once it's time, you pile into the SUVs just as Dick said.

You hop into the SUV with Gar, Conner, Blackfire, and Krypto while Kory and Dick take the other SUV. Krypto sits in between you and Gar in the back while Conner drives and Blackfire takes passenger. You find yourself watching the city pass by on the drive, your stomach twisting into knots. The last time you were arrested, you ended up with Jerry. This whole thing just seems like such a bad idea. And if it is and you have to fight back, that's even worse. That's just a bigger target on your backs if you can get out of there in one piece. There just had to be another way to win the city back. The city wasn't always on Batman's side.

"On Tamaran, it is called The Pit." Blackfire starts, pulling you from your thoughts. "It's dark. So dark, you cannot even see your hand." She explains, making you and Gar both look to your hands and then at each other.

Conner picks up her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. "It isn't like that here." Conner says. "Right?" Conner looks in the rearview mirror for reassurance from Gar and you.

"Right." Gar starts. "I-it's totally not like that. It's gonna be fine." Gar offers a smile but you swear it's incredibly unconvincing. "Dick and Barabara have a plan. We're just going to go in and out. This is really just all for show." Gar explains, looking to you for reassurance. And now you just think he's trying to convince himself.

"Yeah, it's really not like that." You add in. It isn't like The Pit. It's not great and it sucks. There is a lot of unfairness and cruelty but it's not The Pit. And you think telling Blackfire everything about the corruption among the GCPD, probably won't help the situation. "I've been for real arrested once. It's not like The Pit." You explain, omitting every other detail.

"We'll be together the whole time. I've got you." Conner assures Blackfire with a calm but firm tone. "I promise." He glances over to her with a soft smile as you catch him squeeze her hand.

You smile softly because for all anyone knows, this isn't going to work out. Nothing has gone to plan but Conner still offers reassurance anyway and it's kind of sweet to watch. Gar offers a chuckle, catching the smile on your lips. It earns him a light shove with the roll of your eyes. It's just nice seeing the two of them unbothered by everything that's happening. It's maybe even a little cathartic in a weird way.

Within a few more minutes, both SUVs pull up to the back of the GCPD. There are snipers on the roof and several GCPD officers standing guard with full swat gear outside of the doors. This is supposed to be for show but you're really not buying it. This is a lot of people for something that's supposed to be fake.

Everyone starts to get out of their vehicles, you meeting up with Gar in the front of the SUV.

"You okay?" Gar whispers. "I mean, we trust Barbara." Gar nods his head, his brows raised as if looking for some form of reassurance from you. This isn't sitting right with him either.

"Yeah." You shake your head, eyeing one of the snipers on top of the roof. There are ten total and you start to think of an exit strategy to avoid them or take them out on your way if it comes to it. "If shit goes south, get out of here immediately. I'll be right behind you and stay close to the building until you reach the back alley. Less light and I didn't see snipers over there." You whisper back, pulling your attention right back to Gar.

Gar gulps, looking up at the roof where the guns are pointed right at you. "That wasn't reassuring." Gar almost whines as he looks back to you.

"Wasn't supposed to be." You shake your head, as you chew the inside of your cheek before you start walking. Gar follows right behind you until he's walking side-by-side.

The two of you fall in line right behind Kory and Dick while Conner, Blackfire, and Krypto follow Gar and you. As you all make your way to the entrance, every single person with a gun, trains their weapons on all of you. The Titans are the targets and these people are just waiting for the signal to start shooting. That's what it feels like. Being a vigilante is illegal, technically, but this is...a lot.

"This seems excessive." Kory states as all of you enter the building, passing by even more men with guns and swat gear.

"Barbara cleared it with me." Dick states. "It's all for show. They need to stand their ground." Dick states and you roll your eyes. Basically, they need to stroke cops' egos. What else is new?

"This is just optics, right?" Gar asks Dick, the growing pit in his stomach is starting to bubble. Gar doesn't normally second guess Dick's plans but tonight, he is. This seems wrong.

"Optics." Dick confirms calmly.

The Titans stand on the main level, looking up to the second floor where Babs and one of her right hands is standing beside her looking over the railing. There are cops on all sides of you and above you, covered in their swat gear with shields. Dick can say it's optics all he wants but you're getting a really bad feeling about this one. And then Blackfire bumps into you, making you and Gar turn around. One of the cops, used his shield to bump her and Conner used his superspeed to immediately be at Blackfire's side.

"Back off." Conner threatens, standing toe-to-toe with the cop that shoved her.

This is bad.

This is bad.

This is about to be really, really bad.

You look around as the cops start to slowly close in on all of you. This is not good. If this is optics and a show, they've done it. The show has been shown and it's time to get the hell out of here and finish the plan. There is no reason for them to be approaching the Titans. Not if they're on Barbara's side.

Dick sticks out of his hand, easing them away but it's not working. They're not going to listen to him. They just keep closing in with their shields and weapons pointed right at all of you. The Titans might not be here for a fight, but very clearly, the GCPD definitely is.

"Easy. We're not here for a fight." Dick states, keeping his voice calm but stern as to not piss anyone off.

"Move in." One of the men up top states, demanding the entire room.

Everything falls into slow motion as you look up to him, the other Titans and Barbara doing the same. It's as if everything starts to crumble at your feet. You are severely outnumbered and outgunned. This was a bad idea and you knew it was. It shouldn't have been but no one can trust people outside Barbara. That's how it is and now you're all trapped in this mess.

The cops start to close in, shoving all of the Titans. They try to shove you into smaller sections in order to separate you but you stand in between Gar and Dick as your hands form into fists. Your eyes scan the room quickly and there are fewer men up top. You could get up there and escape pretty easily with the grappling hook.

"Stand down!" Barbara yells but they aren't listening. They don't work for her anymore.

"There." You whisper to Gar, looking up to the second floor. "When you get the chance, get up there."

"What?" Gar questions quickly.

"They'll be too distracted by what's happening on the floor. You can get up there easily as a tiger and I can follow you." You nod your head once at him, reaching for a knife from your utility belt as you prepare for your own opening the second things start to turn violent.

This isn't going to be peaceful. Gar sees the knife in your hand, your hand gripping it tightly and he wonders when you became so prepared for everything to go south. He wonders if it's just trauma build-up like a clogged artery preparing for a heart attack or if this is a Bruce thing or maybe even a Jason thing. You never came here with any form of optimism.

Conner holds some of them off while others start to crowd Gar and you. Dick is entirely covered in cops before he shoves them off of him but then a gunshot rings out through the GCPD, Conner stopping the bullet with his hand. You, Gar, and Kory look over just in time to see the cop fire a second bullet and this time, it hits Blackfire.

"No!" Kory yells.

And that's when all hell breaks loose. Conner starts attacking the cop that shot Blackfire while the other cops jump in to attack the rest of you. Three go for you but you're quicker than they are, already having your free hand glow at your side. They're covered in protective gear and with the shield, you know you're not going to make any good shots with a knife. Desperate times, desperate measures. So, you pocket the knife and your other hand glows before you shoot acid at one of the men and the shield starts to melt. The other men keep coming closer, you punching and kicking them before you touch them with your hands, the acid melting right through their uniforms as they let out blood-curdling screams. The fabric and plastic becomes burned into their skin, sending them to the ground in agonizing pain.

Once those men are down, you jump in to help Gar so he can transform. You distract them and fight them until Gar jumps from behind you and then in front of you, fully turned into a green tiger. You can feel the bullet wound slowing you down. It's aching and throbbing, taking more of your energy you could really use right about now. And you swear you can feel blood leaking from the wound and down your arm as you land a right hook to one of the cops. That's when you hear that same guy above you, telling his men to shoot Gar.

"You gotta get out of here." You urge, shooting a hand full of acid at another man and melting his shield.

But, it's too late, as Gar defends himself, a tranquilizer is shot right out at him and he lets out a growl in response. This is just like the tower. Outnumbered. Outgunned. Even with the other Titans, you don't stand a chance. You can hear the other Titans fighting, getting a glimpse of the fire coming from Kory and Dick and Conner fighting hard. All of you need to get out of here.

"Go!" You point to the top, right where the man is. "Go, I'll be right behind you." You hold off the other men, giving Gar time to jump to the second level and head towards the exit.

You follow him, shooting your grappling hook to the top. The man pulls out his gun just as you reach him. With your feet planted on the floor, you put your hands up, the throbbing the front of your head echoing like a beating drum. He cowered when Gar jumped up here. You are fully confident even with a bum shoulder you could wrestle that gun from him with ease.

"Put the gun down!" You hear Barbara yell and that's when his eyes dart to her for just a second, giving you the perfect opportunity.

You lunge forward, grabbing the gun and then his wrist, twisting his arm. You squeeze and turn, just as Jason had taught you in several of your training sessions and then he drops the gun. You grab it before he even has a chance and you turn the gun on him.

One pull of the trigger and he's dead. That's all it would take. And you're ready to do it. All of the fighting is happening below you and yeah, maybe this guy is just under Crane's shit. But, you're really sick of it. He's not high. He's not drugged. He didn't have to join Crane but he did and he just got Gar shot. It feels like minutes as you almost debate shooting him at point-blank range but it's been five seconds. Five seconds for Barbara to realize you might not back down. Five seconds for the shooter behind you to aim his own gun at your back, kickstarting the throbbing in the back of your head.

"Bluejay!" Barbara yells and you grit your teeth.

Fine.

You spin around, aiming the gun at the shooter's leg and shoot just once. It sends him to the ground and then you take off, not leaving the gun behind. You're real sick of people hurting the people you care about. He was going to shoot you on your way out anyway. Do or die. Kill or be killed.

You find Gar outside, limping as the tranquilizer is starting to take effect. He's not going to make it far and Sam needs to find somewhere for him to go. There has to be somewhere near here. And that's when she realizes...Gar isn't shot. Besides the tranquilizer. Sam looks up, not seeing a single sniper or cop on the roof and then she looks around the parking lot, not seeing anyone here either.

What the fuck?

That's weird given how many were here when the Titans arrived. That also cannot possibly be good. You roll your eyes and decide you both just need to get out of here and you'll find somewhere on the way. There's a tunnel entrance not far and you're pretty sure you and Gar can hide there until you think of a better place.

"Follow me, we're gonna go to the tunnels." You whisper to him as the two of you head for the alley that leads out to a side street.

The two of you run off to the alley, Gar slower than usual and your cape flowing behind you. Your shoulder is aching and you can feel the adrenaline wanting to crash. You're certain now that it's bleeding and your hand is shaking. Your entire arm is shaking. Gar isn't the only one who needs to take a breather.

The two of you exit through the alley and make your way on a sidewalk. You know if you take the sidewalk down to the intersection, you can cross over and head into an alley on that side of the street. The tunnel entrance will only be a block away and you'll be on the right side of the street.

But just as you and Gar go to walk past an alley right before the intersection, your head throbs from the side right before someone grabs your arm, yanking you into the alley. You fight back until the person spins you around and then you stop as relief comes over you.

"It's me. It's fine." Jason urges through the helmet just as Gar walks into the alley having seen you get grabbed by Jason.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" You spit back.

"You guys have to get the fuck off the streets. They'll be looking for you. Come with me." Jason urges you and Gar, trying to walk past but you and Gar block him.

"Answer me, Jason." Your eyes are narrowed at him and without seeing your mouth, Jason knows you're gritting your teeth behind the mask.

"I'll explain but let me get you guys somewhere safe first. You think those snipers just went on a fucking coffee run?" Jason quips back making you look to the Gar. Gar shakes his head and you let out a breath.

"You?" You ask, your eyes narrowing. How the fuck did he know to be there?

Jason nods. "Let's go before they show up." Jason's voice is stern and almost forceful as he walks past them.

Jason leads the two of you across the street and down a different alley. You exclusively take alleys and you're just relieved they clearly used a tranquilizer that wasn't as potent as the one CADMUS used. Gar is still slowing down but he's at least awake. But, you're still stuck trying to figure out how Jason knew and why he didn't do anything about it. You were all just attacked and you all could have been killed. He knew though. Pretending to be with Crane doesn't mean screwing the Titans over. You know there is probably an explanation but right now, you're pissed off and scared and in pain.

You reach an abandoned building and Jason opens the door in the back for the three of you. The three of you make your way upstairs and into a room with boarded-up windows. This place doesn't have any type of belongings but you're willing to bet Jason is hoarding the place. Jason would probably never not have a place to go after everything. Gar practically collapses on the floor before he starts to transform back into himself.

"Sleep it off. I'll wait until things calm down and I'll go looking for Dick and Kory, okay?" You crouch down to Gar as you put a hand on his shoulder.

"You okay?" Gar gets out with a labored breath.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Better at this now." You offer a nod and if Gar weren't so exhausted from the tranquilizer, he'd be worried about why you're suddenly better at it. Maybe Gotham does change people. It's something Dick warned the Titans about. Gotham eats people alive.

"Are you sure?" Gar's words start to slur together just a little.

"Yeah." You nod your head and offer him a soft smile. "Just...sleep, okay? I'll find you clothes, too."

Gar's face starts to burn. "Okay." Gar nods his head, plopping down on the floor as the tranquilizer finally kicks in entirely.

"Here." Jason offers a blanket of some sort and you use it to cover Gar before you get to your feet.

"He'll be out awhile." You say softly, a sadness coating your words.

There's almost a numbness that's coming with this territory. You wonder if this is how Bruce has done it for so long, maybe that's why Bruce is the way he is. His parents were killed in front of him and then...here he is. Batman, vengeance. Maybe in order for him to be Batman, he has to be numb to it, to the pain of what comes with being a hero. Maybe he's let some of that numbness leak into his personal life and that's why he was the way he was with Dick and why he tried to be better with Jason but still failed. You wonder if he just numbs it all in order to keep going. And maybe that's not entirely Bruce's fault. Because you don't want to be numb about everything.

The pain is the worst part but outside of pain, Bruce seems to push things away and maybe that's still how he can be Batman. Maybe it wasn't always like that but bad things happen. You don't want that. It's just, you're standing here with Jason and you're annoyed with him but you're not even that mad anymore. You're tired, your shoulder hurts but emotionally, the only thing you really feel right now is worry. Worry for Gar and the Titans. That's it. That doesn't feel too good either.

Jason nods his head before he looks to the floor. He looks back to the window and then to you, nodding his head toward the window. The two of you head over to the boarded window, taking a seat below it. Jason takes his helmet off, resting it beside him as he stretches his legs out in front of him. The white streak flops onto his forehead, you getting the slightest hit of a smile at the sight.

You follow his lead, taking your own mask off as you pull your legs to your chest. You rest your head against the boards, closing your eyes as you take in a breath. Jason watches you carefully, seeing a slight tremor in your hand of the shoulder that was shot as you rest your forearms on your knees. There's a mark near your temple that looks like it might be forming into a bruise. But, that's it. Jason doesn't see anything too bad. GCPD has never been very good at taking out vigilantes. It's not really their thing which Jason is thankful for. But, he really wishes he weren't too late.

It's not his fault. He's trying to work Crane and part of that is still doing his dirty work. He had no choice but the second he could, he tried his absolute hardest to warn the Titans. It just wasn't enough. It's another really hard pill to swallow. Working with Crane is his biggest mistake. Everything is a mess and that, that part is on him. He is desperate for it all just to come to an end.

"Oh, here." You mutter, pulling the gun from your utility belt. You hand it over with caution, Jason noticing the tremor worse as he takes the gun from you. Jason blinks at you and then at the gun, trying to find the right question. "Wrestled it from a piece of shit who caused this shit, shot the piece of shit that shot Gar, then I took it."

Jason shakes his head as his eyes close for a second, growing confused. Desperate times, desperate measures. He entirely understands how you ended up with the gun. That's not really the question he has now. It's you shooting someone. Your hands are shaking and your hands very rarely ever shake after a fight. It's one of the things Jason finds the most interesting. It's your steady hands before, during, and after heavy conflicts. He was like that, too and then Deathstroke happened but now they're shaking a lot. And something looks really wrong which could also just be what happened at the station. But, Jason wonders if it's the use of a gun. You always said you weren't a fan of using them.

"You shot someone?" Jason raises a brow at you as you read the disbelief on his face.

"I mean, yeah? You shoot people." You scoff, looking forward again. "I wrestled the gun away, had it aimed at the guy and Babs yelled at me. So, I turned and shot the guy who was about to shoot me who also shot Gar. Had it in my hand, might as well." You clear your throat, still dodging Jason's stare. "I didn't have a choice. He was gonna shoot me if I didn't do something." You state quietly as you chew the inside of your cheek.

It's really not the gun. The way you see it, it's really not that different than you throwing a knife at someone's head. It kills them all the same. It's not all that different than you throwing a knife at someone's leg. It wounds them all the same. It doesn't matter. It is just everything from the last two weeks. You really hate not having the choice to walk away. You might still pick the violent answer, but you'd like a choice. You would like a choice in the way your life goes.

"Alright." Jason nods his head before he shakes it. "Why the fuck did you take it with you?" Jason asks. You know these guns can be tracked. It's police issued.

"Fuck them." You state. "If I left it, they'd shoot me. So I took it to give to you to get rid of. Or I'll throw it in the Harbor out of spite."

"Right." Jason nods his head. "Shot someone? Using my R blades? Combat? Got a cape? You really are following in my footsteps, huh?" Jason offers you a teasing grin to try and lighten your mood, just a little bit. He just hates seeing you like this.

You narrow your eyes at him but Jason catches you starting to smirk. "You're really good at this." You roll your eyes. "Be stupid not to take notes. That's what you told me to do anyway."

Jason lets out a soft chuckle. "Can't believe you fucking listened."

"Yeah, it is a rarity." You quip before you look at him, lifting your head up. While this is nice discussing your own motives, you'd love to turn it around now. Jason knew to be there and when. That sounds like a problem. "You wanna tell me what the fuck?"

"Crane." Jason lets out a scoff. It's his turn to turn his attention forward. "Had me pay off one of the guys to turn on Babs, turn the whole department. Then, take all of you guys to him." Jason looks back at you, his face reading blatant annoyance.

"And you didn't warn me?" You shake your head in disbelief, the question coming out more as a demand -- an accusation.

"No! I tried! You, Dick, and Gar didn't answer!" Jason defends himself as he turns to face you. "I'd never let you walk in there if I had a choice. I tried. And when I got there, you were already inside. So, took out the snipers." Jason shrugs his shoulders. "The Titans against the GCPD?" Jason lets out a scoff. "I figured you'd all be fine inside but I didn't leave until I saw you and Gar. I was gonna go in to help when I heard the fighting but you and Gar walked out."

You nod your head before you pull out the burner and sure enough, you have three missed calls. That makes you feel a lot better. No part of you ever really believed Jason wouldn't at least try to warn you. You are relieved though, that even when things are messy as all hell, he still has your back. He always did but tonight just feels different.

"Took out?" You raise a brow.

"Knocked them out." Jason nods with a single nod.

"You know they're gonna tell Crane Red Hood got them, right?" You question, wondering how he plans to get himself out of it. And maybe you're a little relieved. You really hate him working with Crane still even if it was your idea.

"Thought of that." Jason says through a chuckle. "Wore a different mask, put on a different hoodie. They won't know any better. I was in and out anyway." Jason offers with confidence, clearly proud to do this work.

You shake your head but give Jason a gentle smile. "Well, thank you for risking it anyway. And for trying to warn us."

"Always." Jason nods his head right back, a toothy smile on display. It's a warm smile this time. "You alright, though?" Jason asks.

"Uh...yeah, I-I uh, I think I'm bleeding again." You state, looking to your shoulder and then back to him.

"Let me see." Jason states, gesturing his hand for you to lean forward.

You lean forward as Jason unzips your suit in the back and pulls down the shoulder part of your suit. Sure enough, the wound has bled through the gauze and there's blood everywhere he can see. Jason's heart jumps to his throat. It's been hours and the wound isn't that bad. For there to be this much blood in such a short amount of time, you had to be fighting like hell to get out of there. And you did it while looking out for Gar. And Jason gets a proud smile.

"What?" You raise a brow at him, wondering why the blood is making him smile.

"Trained you well." Jason states softly, confidence and pride etched into those three words.

"Shut up." You groan. "You would take credit for it." You let out a soft laugh.

"Well, if it weren't for me, you'd get your ass kicked." Jason quips right back. "So...you're welcome." Jason gives you a smirk.

Your eyes narrow before you roll them. "Yes, thank you so much. I would just be in so much distress if not for you. Please, where would I be?!" You fake a loud whine, the sarcasm spilling from your lips.

"Arrested." Jason answers plainly as he blinks at you.

You nod your head. "Fuck you." You shrug as you widen your eyes, earning a laugh from Jason.

"Oh, well in that case, I don't have to help you now. Ya know, if you don't need my help or anything." Jason sits back, his signature smirk crossing his face.

You let out a sigh, giving him a fake glare. "You won't let me bleed out." You state with confidence. "Where would you be without me? I'm the only one who plays your games." You offer him the same smirk.

Jason gives you a single nod. "Because I play yours." Jason quips.

"Which brings us back to you not letting me bleed out." You grin at him.

"You're really confident in that." Jason nods his head, knowing damn well you're not going to bleed out.

"I'm always confident in your abilities to not let something really bad happen to me." You say softly but there's a smirk on your face. It almost reads as a joke but Jason can tell by the sweetness in your voice and how quietly you said it that it's true. Even if you only said it out loud to mess with him.

Jason fake groans. "Alright. Fine." Jason says dramatically. "Guess I'll be fucking nice and help."

"You were going to anyway." You let out a soft laugh that makes Jason's stomach spin.

"Yeah..." Jason says softly, his smile turning soft as he scoots back over to you. "How many you take down anyways?" Jason asks as he pulls the gauze off.

"I lost count." You state. "There were a lot of them though. Uh, one of them shot Blackfire though. I think Kory was trying to get out with her. Dick and Conner were still fighting when we left though."

"I saw them follow you guys out." Jason assures you. "They're alright."

A surprised but kind smile starts to come to your lips. "Did you watch for them?" You ask.

Jason shrugs. "Saw you were alright and Gar, so maybe yeah. I just hung out a minute to make sure the others got out. Kory was with Blackfire and Dick was with Conner and Krypto. Blackfire was the only one who looked hurt." Jason explains as he grabs a gauze pad from his pockets.

"Didn't help though?"

"You know there's no fucking way in hell Kory would have let me." Jason quips back.

"Yeah...." You let out a sigh. "That's probably true." You nod as Jason sticks the gauze pad to the wound. "You just carrying first aid stuff now?"

"Just being prepared." Jason chuckles. "You should be proud." Jason nods up at you once the gauze is stuck and in place. "You should be okay. Here." Jason pulls another gauze pad out. "Just in case."

"Thanks, Jay." You take it, the shaking in your hands not as prominent now.

"You and me." Jason nods once at you with a soft smile before zipping her suit back up.

"You and me." You nod back before putting the gauze pad in your utility belt. "So...Crane has the department?" You clear your throat. It would be easier not to discuss that but you don't have that privilege.

"Yep." Jason shakes his head. "He's got more than that. The video, everyone is falling for his shit. He's gonna try to destroy Gotham." Jason states.

"How?" You ask.

"Taking over everyone and turning everyone against you guys for starters. I don't know what else he has planned. I know it's not fucking good though. He's losing it."

"Fantastic." You roll your eyes.

According to Bruce's file on Crane, this is what always happens. He has a plan and it works well at first but then he starts to crumble, spiral, and it all goes to shit. Crane does try to take people with him though and no one is left unscathed when Crane starts to fall off the deep end. You're getting the feeling this isn't going to end well.

"You, uh, you should probably head out then, right?" You ask cautiously. "Like, if someone sees you with us, leading us here or sees me leave after seeing you leave. That'll be a problem. You know Crane wants the city, so find out how."

Jason grits his teeth and he hates this. It was his idea to go to Crane in the first place and maybe this is just his penance for it. Being forced to work with him not that he wants to kill him. And he hates the idea of leaving you and Gar. The entire city is going to want you dead. The GCPD already tried to turn them in to Crane who would have killed you. You can handle yourselves but anything can happen out there. Worse things can happen though if he doesn't find out what Crane is doing and put a stop to it.

"Yeah." Jason answers shortly. "Alright, yeah." Jason nods his head with a sigh. "Use the burner though, let me know if you find anyone. I'll try to get into the traffic cameras and see if I can locate anyone for you and Gar to get to." Jason explains as he gets to his feet.

"Thanks, Jay." You offer him a soft smile. "We'll be fine." You assure him.

"Right." Jason nods his head, plucking his helmet from the floor. "If shit starts going south--"

"I'll call or text. I got it, Jay. We've been here plenty of times now. Look who's the one worrying now." You scrunch your nose at him, mostly to try and ease some of his worry and hide yours.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Jason lets out a scoff but the corners of his mouth tug up slightly. "Good luck." Jason nods once before he turns and heads out of the room, leaving you alone with an unconscious Gar.

You sit against the window for several hours, just looking through the slats of the window. The city is going to shit. Chaos is already starting to hit the streets. Fires and fights, you can see the few buildings across the street boarding up their windows. Maybe this is what Crane wanted. GCPD is with Crane and Gotham doesn't have any vigilantes to protect it. That's when you start to think how odd this whole thing is.

Bruce ran the city on fear. Fear of the Bat and how he could take down anyone, send them to Arkham but with the insurance policy of making it out alive. It was still fear that kept a lot of people from committing at least serious crimes and it did keep Gotham, at least, somewhat safer with certain things. Crane's entire obsession is with fear. He makes people live out their worst fears. It's what he does but now he's trying to control Gotham by turning everyone against the vigilantes which just makes them unafraid. You aren't sure what that has to do with anything or if it even matters but it's something you can't help but think about it. And you wonder what will happen if it works. What happens if he gets what he wants this time? Where does that leave the Titans? Gotham?

You've never been much of a team player. You've always done better alone or with one person. It's easier that way. You wonder if that's how it should be. You remember when you left the tower and Dick said you could be a Titan again. If you wanted to. But, the more you sit here and think about it, maybe you don't want to. There are too many moving pieces and even though it's not your responsibility, it's too much to have to worry about so many people all at once. And if Dick fucks up, they all die. That's a pretty big burden to carry and you aren't so sure you want that every single day. Maybe to help sometimes, yeah. But, maybe not every day and if Crane wins, this is Gotham. You'll fight tirelessly until it's not his anymore because this city doesn't belong to him. It doesn't belong to anyone like him.

After a few more hours, the sun starts to come up, the gloomy clouds blocking most of the pretty oranges and pinks. You check your phone, only for there to be an x where the service bars are. You try to make a call to Dick but the service is unavailable. Fantastic. Your best guess is this has to do with whatever Crane has coming or the chaos that Gotham is under which means you and Gar are on your own until you're able to find the rest of the Titans. But you can't just sit here for right now.

You still need to grab some sort of food for you both and grab clothes for Gar so while the streets aren't as busy you decide now might be a good time to try and find supplies. The streets aren't as busy as they were earlier and nothing should be open yet. There's a convenience store not far so if you're quick, you could break in, grab what you and Gar need, and be back before anyone spots you. It shouldn't be too hard. So, you grab your mask and make your way to the door Jason let you through last night only to be caught completely off guard as the door swings open.

"Rachel?" You question as you pull your mask off.

Rachel blinks at you a few times before gaining a soft smile. "Hey." She didn't know you even got a suit.

"What the hell are you doing here?" You ask as you tug Rachel inside and close the door behind her.

"I don't know. I just had a feeling I needed to come back." Rachel states, somewhat ominously.

You've never been so relieved to see Rachel. Rachel is literally the daughter of a demon. Based on how Gotham is looking right about now, you might need that. So far, nothing else has worked and Rachel killed her dad. Not to mention, the Titans could really just use some more hands if you stand a chance against the entire population of Gotham City.

"Oh, yeah no we could use some fucking help right about now." You laugh softly.

"Yeah? What is going on?" Rachel looks around the abandoned building, taking notice in how rundown and cold it is. "It's kind of weird out there." Rachel states, remembering how Gotham was before when Dick brought them on the way to San Fransisco.

This is not that Gotham. There are fires in the streets now, people yelling, being more guarded than usual. It's every person for themselves and it's six in the morning. No one should even have enough energy for that now. But, word got out that the vigilantes are gone and the commissioner was arrested. People have really lost it since.

"You haven't talked to anyone right?" You question, remembering Rachel was unreachable to everyone meaning she probably needs a full recap.

"Right, I couldn't really talk to anyone while I was there." Rachel says with hesitance, starting to worry about where this might go.

"Awesome. Jason died." You spit out, ripping the bandaid off.

Rachel coughs. "He what?!"

"Yeah, Joker beat him to death with a crowbar. So, Bruce went and killed the Joker. Fast forward to all the Titans showing up, and surprise, Jason's alive again. Lazarus Pit." You spit it out before Rachel can even ask. "Only he's Red Hood now and he was addicted to a drug made by Jonathan Crane, Scarecrow. That made him fearless which was unpleasant, honestly. So, for the last two weeks, I've been trying to get him clean while he's been trying to kill Dick. And Dick's been trying to capture him. He's clean now and on our side but I got shot and Dick got shot and Gar just got tranquilized last night. Crane is trying to take over the city, he poisoned the water. We were almost all killed last night because of it. It's been a mess." You nod casually as you finish.

"Um..." Rachel tries to find the right words to even process any of that. "I missed a lot." Rachel nods.

"Oh, yeah, welcome to Gotham." You mutter as you lead Rachel up the stairs. "And now, apparently, cell towers are down because I can't get a call out. I have no idea where everyone else is. It's just Gar and me."

"Okay, wait. So, where is everyone else? And where is Jason?" Rachel questions. She could tell that all of the Titans weren't here but she didn't realize you and Gar would be on your own entirely.

"No idea. He's been trying to find out what Crane is planning. He's the only reason any of us got out alive last night. He took out the snipers. As for the Titans, I don't know." You say sadly, sucking in a deep breath. "We got separated and the city went to shit not long after."

"What a mess." Rachel says softly.

"Yeah. Donna?" You ask with hope. If Jason can be brought back, there has to be a way to bring back Wonder Girl.

Rachel shakes her head sadly. "Nope."

You let out a sigh of defeat. "I'm sorry. At least you tried though." You look over to her as you reach the room where Gar is still passed out. "More than what most people would do. There has to be a way though." You assure her.

"Yeah, maybe we should ask Jason how it all works." Rachel says only half joking.

"He doesn't know. I did ask." You let out a soft laugh. "He doesn't even know where it is." You let out a breath. "Anyway, we're hiding here until we figure out what to do and until Gar wakes up." You gesture to the room just as Gar starts to stir awake.

Gar's eyes land on the two of you as confusion wraps itself around him. The last thing he remembers is you and Jason being here. It's fuzzy but he remembers that. The person standing next to you is not Jason though. Jason doesn't normally wear all black. He blinks a few times, trying to get his vision to focus and once it does, he's certain something went wrong.

"Rachel?" Gar asks, eyes still partially closed with sleep while the two of you get closer. "Did I die again or are you really real?"

"Of course I'm real." Rachel says as the two of you crouch down.

"I found her." You state.

"I found you." Rachel looks back at you.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah same thing." You state. "How you feeling?"

"Tired." Gar chuckles. "How did you find her?"

"I could just feel you guys." Rachel states simply. "Your energy. I started at GCPD, ended up here." Rachel explains as she hands Gar his clothes.

The two of you stand up and turn around so Gar can change. You're definitely thankful Rachel was able to grab his clothes because that was one thing you were not confident you could grab. And he can't very well just be out there with a blanket.

"Did you find anyone else?" Gar asks as he gets dressed.

"No, I came here first." Rachel says.

"I actually didn't leave. I opened the door and Rachel was there but cell towers are down so I can't even reach out to try to find them." You roll your shoulders.

"So, now what?" Gar asks once he's fully clothed.

You and Rachel turn around, looking between each other.

"I have no idea." You answer with defeat.

Meanwhile, Crane decides he's earned his right to Wayne Manor. With the Titans out of commission and in hiding, the manor is open. It's safe and it'll be the perfect place for Crane to call home now. It'll make it easier to run Gotham from the Manor, having access to not only the Batcave but everything within the Batcave. And of course, he decided to take Jason with him who's still not liking this whole getting along with him thing when the only thing he wants to do is put a bullet in his head right about now.

With the lines down, it's going to make it that much harder for him to even contact anyone. If Jason does find out what Crane is planning, how is he supposed to find Dick without Crane catching onto what he's doing? This whole plan is a mess and being back at the manor isn't making Jason feel any better. It feels wrong.

This isn't Crane's home. Jason is pissed -- hurt by Bruce but maybe that doesn't mean letting Crane into the manor is a good idea. He's going to take over the place and make it his when he doesn't even belong here. But, Jason is also thinking of how he doesn't belong here either. Bruce abandoned him. This was never really Jason's home anyway. He tried to make it fit, tried to make it stick but it was never really him anyway. The fancy manor, the galas, events, press, money, just having a place to go home to that was safe. Even the training didn't feel like him. He loves it more than words but at the beginning, even that just felt like he was just trying to fill in the shoes that would always be the wrong size. But now, it feels worse. He feels more like he's trespassing. He's not supposed to be alive, let alone here with Crane. In another world, Jason thinks maybe he'd have ditched Crane after being brought back and he would have walked in to find Bruce. Maybe it would be different then.

But, it's not.

"So, this is what a billion dollars gets ya?" Crane asks, standing overlooking the living room. Crane makes his way down into the main living room, examining the curtains on his way down. "Interior designers the world over-exclaimed, meh." Crane shrugs with boredom before glancing to Jason who's still standing on the landing looking over the room. "Alright enough with the whole tortured hero stuff. Come on. We have reached the summit. It's time for us to enjoy the view. I think this calls for some spirits." Crane states as he takes his coat off, tossing it onto the couch before he grabs a bottle of alcohol.

Tortured hero? That's what he thinks the issue is here? Crane's gotten Jason to make a drug, get addicted to it, kill innocent people, turn on everyone who ever cared about him, Crane almost killed you, and is trying to tear down the city. Being this so-called tortured hero is not Jason's issue. Crane is arrogant and delusional. Jason can't tell if he's just doing it on purpose or if he believes any of the shit that leaves his mouth. Crane is selfish and cruel. Jason is kicking himself for not seeing it sooner. Crane doesn't care about anyone or anything besides himself. And Jason's just stuck here playing along.

"Look," Crane states as he uncorks the bottle. "Make a toast. To Batsy." Crane says, pouring himself a glass. "To beating them. To knowing them. To growing them." Crane says as he hands a glass to Jason. Jason takes it, not bothering to start the argument now. "We gotta redecorate." Crane says, looking around. "Starting with this." Crane says as he eyes the large painted portrait of the Wayne's hanging above the fireplace.

Crane pushes a chair in front of the fireplace, using it as a ladder to grab the painting. He places the painting down in front of the fireplace, kicking the chair out of the way. Then he grabs a knife from his pocket, eyeing the painting.

"Actually, you should do the honors." Crane turns around to face Jason, offering him the knife.

Jason walks around the couch, grabbing the knife from Crane before Crane walks to plop himself on the couch. Jason watches him before he looks back to the painting, questioning if he should actually listen to Crane on this one. It feels wrong but he is still really hurt.

"It's time to finally pay back your father for the gifts he's given you." Crane states with ease.

Jason stares at the painting and at first there's a guilt that comes over him. This is of Bruce and his parents. His parents are gone, it's not like this can be replaced. But, the more he stands here, the more he thinks about how badly he's been hurt by Bruce.

Bruce gave him magic by giving him Robin and then he just...ripped it away. He did what everyone always does. Promise him something and then take it away, take from him. He begged him not to give up on him and Bruce did anyway. Bruce gave up on him just like everyone else. He never bothered to try to understand him. Bruce just sent him to Leslie to fix him. And while Jason knows, he is the one that went after the Joker, Bruce didn't do anything about it.

He didn't even realize something was wrong or that something was going on. He should have noticed and he should have tried to help. Based on the context Jason has gotten from you, it does not sound like Bruce was worried and asked you to check on him. You figured it out. Not Bruce, the world's greatest detective. Jason was cooking Crane's drug and seeing Crane and Bruce never once figured it out. You did and while you're good at detective work, Bruce is supposed to be the best. But, when it comes to his own son, he just...failed? Jason swears it was on purpose because how else did he fucking miss it? How did he miss that Jason was struggling so badly? Jason doesn't scream from the rooftops that he needs help but he also makes it obvious in his own way and Bruce missed every single cry for help Jason has ever given him.

Bruce knows Jason's entire past, every piece of it and he will never understand. Jason pushed a serial rapist off a building and all Bruce did was get mad. He never bothered to care to understand Jason's point of view of the situation. Maybe that's just Jason breaking the rules, but it was Bruce's job to try to understand. Jason was just a kid. And he was brutally murdered and it's fine Bruce has a no-kill rule but the way Jason sees it, he should have killed the Joker because the Joker took Jason away from Burce. Jason is Bruce's son, he said so, and he picked him, and yet he's the one that feels left behind and abandoned and damaged. He was never good enough. He was always too much of a bother to try to understand. Bruce only ever wanted to fix him in the way Bruce wanted to fix everyone, make them just like him. But, that doesn't work for Jason and he doesn't think he'll ever be fixed and he's pissed and hurt because he hates feeling broken.

So, he pulls his arm back and starts slicing up the painting with everything in him.

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[cocktailjjrs]

So......

Since I've been suffering with these angsty thoughts... i though i would invite you all suffer with me...

It's about Chuuya...

I was doing some research for my fic (mainly going through bsd novels, blogs, tags and all) and came across this one Insta post in passing (sorry, i don't remember the name).

It was about BSD's cycles.

First, cycle of abuse, going from Mori-Dazai-Aku-Kyouka

and Second of rescue, going from Natsume-Oda-Dazai-Atsushi-Kyouka.

And then they highlighted a third category, the one's who are not saved - including Chuuya, Aku and Q.

At that point i didn't think much about it, just another post while scrolling Insta.

But now it's keeps bothering me, a constant reminder, whenever i read something BSD.

And It's so heart wrenching.

It also hit me, Q and Aku can still be saved.

Q, while we don't exactly know where they are right now, there is a chance of them getting their own arc, backstory and then being saved.

Aku, while still in Mafia, his partnership with Atsushi is his saving grace already. He is making an effort to not kill, just for their deal/bet. By the end of it all, he will be in a better place than he is now.

But Chuuya. (Spoiler's for light novel's if you haven't read them)

I remember very clearly, when in Stormbringer (don't ask me why i remember this byheart), when Murase dies Chuuya says, "Hey Detective, Weren’t you gonna arrest me?! Weren’t you gonna bring me into the world of light"

Don't get me wrong, I still believe Chuuya belongs to Port Mafia, the darkness suits him better than light.

But that does not mean he never wanted to get out of that darkness. This one instance in SB was proof enough. Makes me wonder, if things had gone even slightly differently, would he be in a better place than he is now? Is there still a chance?

What's even more tragic is that after the whole SB thing, no one seemed stick around enough to help him fight his own demons.

And he definitely has MASSIVE DEMONS.

His whole life seems to be one catastrophe after another! Don't believe me?

His first group, whom he called friends, betrayed him. Classic stabbed by poisonous knife in the back.

Hardly a year later, his second friends group, Flags, was killed by an emotionally unstable man-child seeking validation, insisting on calling him brother.

He went through a horrid ordeal, having to learn he was a lab experiment, seeing your clone vaporise to nothing but bones in your own arms, having to fight those same bones. And as if this was not enough, then fighting the monstrosity of a singularity and in process loosing the only chance to determine your humanity. (Actually whole of SB is dreadful, i don't think it'll ever get worse than that - i really hope it doesn't)

Then, given by the timeline, another year later, his third group of friends was killed by Shibusawa.

And again a year later - his partner, who brought him in all this madness, just fucking leaves without a word. This is the least tragic thing that has happened to the boy, i swear.

And I'm sure it didn't end there.

There must have been so many things going on behind the scenes in those missing years, hell even after the series began, Chuuya has been out of scene because something or the other was going on.

Now you have Fyodor fucking shit up for no apparent reason. With this shitshow, many mafia men, some of whom Chuuya might have developed a relation, are definitely dead. Not to mention the mental gymnastics going to trying to at least be on the same fucking chapter as the two geniuses.

AND ALL OF THIS IS JUST IN THE CURRENT TIMELINE. Don't get me started on BEAST VERSE!!! (That's a can of worms I'm really not ready to open at this point)

The thing with Mentally strong individuals is, they have abnormally high emotional intelligence, they are unnaturally resilient, they can compartmentalize their grief, they empathise with great deal of people, think rationally at any given point and think of ways to make things better.

What many people fail to understand is that no one is born Mentally strong, it's the circumstances that make them as such.

It can happen even through small things.

No one being there for you to express your deepest fears. No one just listening to you, even if they have a solution to your problem. Or having seen other's nightmares come to reality and feeling your own are much smaller, or having made to fell that way.

It creates the mentality of never sharing your fears, your insecurities, your discomfort - because at the back of the mind you keep telling yourself - oh, this person has gone through so much more than i have, my fear is nothing compared to it. I can handle it on my own, they have their own problems to handle. Everyone is busy, i don't think they have time to listen to the same problem I've been facing for years now. I've manages so far, i think I can manager just fine.

You start to undervalue your own feelings and start to fell like you'll burden them. Start to feel like you NEED to handle it on your own.

Now, i don't want to go into a spiral of mental health, but when you look at Chuuya, you can't help but marvel at that kids Mental resolution.

His first action after being stabbed in back was to make a deal with a demon to make sure he doesn't harm them, because they are just kids.

His first reaction to being provoked into revenge was to say Fuck off to his manipulator, not falling for the temptation and doing what he felt right.

He even forgave the killer of his friends (And also the one who tried to kill him) for gods sake! Understanding what he was going through.

He even walked away after knowing his parents are alive (oh the irony) not wanting to put a target on them. (I'm actually on fence with this, the chances of it being a manipulation tactic from Mori is just as high as it being the truth)

He had tremendous mental fortitude.

But you still see the cracks in his emotional state,

He was desperate to know if he was human or not, inclining towards the later.

He didn't know, that your friends can do some nice things without expecting anything in return. They can go above and beyond your regular stuff just because they are your friends, there doesn't need to be of anything at stake in friendship.

Hell, there was a point he believed having a Heart was too sophisticated for him, that he can't be that human!

I can go hours and hours about this.

What i can say for sure is, he has demons in all sizes, shapes and forms, something that he has stuffed in his closet only to deal with them himself, not letting them see the light of the day.

i just don't see anyone actually being there for him long enough for him to trust them fully with his demons.

No, not even Dazai. Dazai himself was a walking cry for help, like hell Chuuya is adding to that pile. He may have found a constant in Dazai in three years, seeing as all other's met their end in one. I believe in those three years, somewhere Soukoku began to feel like his safe place, somewhere he didn't had to think about his demons only by the virtue of dealing with one made of flesh and bones. But then even Dazai left.

I don't think even Kouyou was there for most part. And considering her obsession with a flowers of dark with Kyouka, i think it pulled Chuuya more in her own tragedy. Afterall, she also was never saved.

Mori is there, but Mori is a Demon in his own rights. What we've seen is their interactions have been those of a boss and his close confidents, nothing personal or emotional. Which also makes sense when you think of Mori's theory of running an organization. Chuuya, all things considered, the most powerful member of PM and he is treated as such.

The other significant members of PM, the guerrilla squad, black lizards or Kajji - all of them may know him better than most, but he is still their executive. If a 15 and younger kid took the title of being a protector of his rag-tag group seriously, being a responsible and dependable executive comes with higher stakes. He will carry out his role as one, even if it's the last thing he does.

.

.

.

That was me rambling.

My point is, i wanna give Chuuya a big hug, tell him it's okay to fell tried sometimes. To let himself be vulnerable. That his fears are not invalid. That he is not invalid. That he isn't the problem, never was.

That he will still be valued and wanted, even if he one day looses his ability or he is no longer the strongest.

Can someone please save his boy?

[screamlet]

2024 Tumblr Top 10

tagged by @rcmclachlan​!!! what a fun journey through time, especially because this is the first time i've been in a tumblr-centric fandom... ever.

Share your top 10 tumblr posts from last year! Visit this site, scroll down to "Find your Tumblr Top 10," type in your username, and select 2024. When you get the results, simply click "Share to Tumblr" and you'll get an auto-generated draft for a post with links and previews. Make any adjustments you see fit.

---

1. 558 notes - Nov 9 2024

Another hospital room. Buck takes a deep breath and closes his eyes again, letting it out and hoping he gets back to sleep. It doesn’t happen, though, because his brain catches up to his eyes: Maddie, wearing a yellow paper hospital mask, a hand anxiously on her belly, sitting in the chair next to him with that too-familiar oh-thank-god-you’re-finally-awake face… and Tommy leaning in the doorway.

this is from break and be mended, the 4.5k bucktommy fix-it fic i vomited up literally two days after the breakup aired. the spirit (of anger and spite) moved me i guess

2. 406 notes - Sep 17 2024

so imagine: s8e1, many bees, zero tommy until another last 5 minutes of the episode, the jeep pulling up to this small house...

this little whatever from a week before the s8 premiere when we thought the bees would be something and/or tommy would do anything and/or we would ever see tommy’s fucking house. the dodgeball of apollo missed me on every count.

3. 400 notes - Oct 4 2024

“well we’re so happy the co-pilot’s awake! everything’s gonna be just fine and we can land this plane now” god don’t they know they’re in part two of a three-part season opener, they did this to themselves

this random post from an episode live blog and it wouldn’t have gone anywhere without @dadvans​ and the assist, god this still makes me laugh

4. 232 notes - Dec 8 2024

It’s not until the elevator starts moving that he hears it through the doors: “Tommy! Tommy, wait—Tommy!”

the fic post for a wolf without a foot, my 34k bucktommy fix-it fic that just... 😐 i might write a buck interstitial to this one because buck’s (lack of) presence in continues to bug me. no promises!!!!

5. 222 notes - Aug 28 2024

The plan doesn't involve kissing Evan, this man he's met three times. Disaster rescue, work tour, basketball disaster, Evan's apartment right now—four times. This is only the fourth time he's ever laid eyes on Evan Buckley, but Evan Buckley hasn't fucking blinked since he stepped into the room. Has Tommy?

for a random wip wednesday, i posted the whole tommy pov scene of The First Kiss from what are your intentions? and it’s still getting notes four and a half months later. this poor man!!! what’s a terrified gay to do!!!!!

6. 214 notes - Dec 11 2024

Tommy has one arm firmly around Buck and one finger pointing at Sal. "I'm from LA. When the hell would I have seen a live chicken?"

aw, this cute @118dailydrabble​ where buck learns about Maurice the Chicken while hanging out with tommy, sal, and bobby.

7. 213 notes - Dec 20 2024

Buck reads to himself: If my grief is violent enough, perhaps he will come back to life again... "Mayday, mayday, mayday, companies respond to an explosion at Harbor Station."

the beginning of blow up that chopper!!!!

8. 204 notes - Nov 16 2024

"Yeah, pretty much. You got some good parts, though. The really good ones." He swallows past the lump in his throat, and means it when he says, "I wouldn't give you any less." "But I wanted all of them," Evan says. "You gave me less, Tommy. Don't think you did me some favor, here. You didn't. You gave me less."

a wip wednesday excerpt from a wolf without a foot, gahhhhhhh yes it still kills me, too

9. 201 notes - Nov 26 2024

my favorite part of the bucktommy breakup fic explosion is seeing each writer focus on THE thing that bugs them most about this breakup and/or breakups in general...

"confessions” aired almost exactly two months ago and man has this fandom been a fucking ride since then

10. 198 notes - Dec 9 2024

unfortunately kinley cafe posits a REALLY interesting coffee shop au where the fluffy gay owners break up and a whole neighborhood has to scheme to get them back together so they don't sell the cafe

where is this coffee shop au!!!!!!!!!!!

tagging: YOU, YES, YOU

[spacerockfloater]

Hi spacerockfloater!

I've been scrolling through your posts, and I must say, you have done a phenomenal job debating Team Black and Alicent Antis! I think I must have liked almost every one of your Team Green posts. I love the way you are critical of both sides and your in-depth analysis of various scenes throughout the show.

My question is how do you feel about Alicole in season 2 after watching the first episode? I was disappointed that there was no buildup to their sex scene or their relationship as a whole. I was satisfied with their courtly love last season, but extremely disappointed after watching S2.

I've recently started posting pro alicent/pro alicole discussions myself, though before, I was just reblogging them. Team Black stans claim that they don't have any problem with Alicent shagging Cole, (loll). What they don't like is her mocking Rhaenyra for doing the same with Harwin, and I feel like some TG stans are agreeing with that take.

How do you feel about Alicent being called a hypocrite for doing the same thing she called out Rhaenyra for? And how do you refute Team Black when they bring this up?

(Basically, this is me trying get some debate lessons from you lmao)

Forgive me for making this post so long! I hope it isn't a hassle!! :)))

You are literally the sweetest, I beam every time I get a notification from you! Thank you so much for enjoying the content of my blog! It’s no hassle at all, I’d love to explain my views on Alicole. Please remember that this is solely my own interpretation and I hope that it helps you develop your own opinion on their relationship regardless of whether you agree or disagree with me! I hope my post helps you win in the debates to come dearest!

To begin with, I’ve posted a lot of rants about Alicole like this, this, this and this, with this being my best analysis on them. Generally, I’ve spoken a lot about them recently but I’ll try to summarise my thoughts in one post as best as I can.

Okay so, Alicole is my favourite ship in HOTD. Their chemistry when they have conversations together is unmatched. Not only that, but individually, they are both amazing characters in their own right and they share a lot of parallels. They are both victims of the Targaryen dynasty and they both did what their abusers expected them to do, only to end up hated and rejected regardless. What I liked about them together is how soft yet driven and unwavering they were. Despite being wronged, they patiently endured it because they had faith in themselves and trusted that justice would be served. They weren’t desperate. There was a calm yet strong power within them. I loved the way their connection blossomed during the first season. Watching Alicent pull Criston up while they were both at the lowest point of their lives (Alicent’s father leaving, meaning she was completely alone at court and Criston having broken his oath for nothing, while his secret was out and threatened his life) and him responding to her call and rising to stand besides her, was the pinnacle of romance for me. The understanding Alicent shows Criston and the fierce loyalty Criston has for Alicent makes them such a power couple.

In season one, I loved their glances towards one another, their conversations, their agreement on several subjects. I loved that Criston was the first person Alicent called to when she was wronged on Driftmark, because she knew he would do right by her. And I loved that Criston, despite his devotion to Alicent, still felt that he had enough authority to not obey a wish of hers that he thought unfair, but immediately launched forward when she and Nyra got into a fight, taking three other guards to hold him back. Like you, I, too, was a fan of their courtly love and the subtle romance that was building up between them. In the end, they both have sexual and religious trauma, and they deserve to overcome it and live for themselves.

That being said, I think their relationship was treated awfully in the second season. Alicole becoming canon was used as a weapon to enhance the negative feelings the majority of the audience harboured for them, not as a way to explore their personalities further. All the emotional aspect of their relationship has been scrapped off and what’s left behind is that twisted, carnal side of it. Not gonna lie, I used to love watching their scenes together but now I am filled with dread every time they’re on screen because “Oh God, what if it is another sex scene?”. At this point, we have more Alicole sex scenes than we have of Daemyra and they’re purposely doing that to make us dislike them.

The whole reason that I found Alicent and Criston’s relationship so intriguing is because it was a deeper, state-of-mind type of relationship that was based on their common beliefs and experiences, which was a stark contrast to Daemon and Rhaenyra’s catastrophic passion.

And it just doesn’t make sense for a woman whose every sexual experience in her life so far has been rape to run to another man’s arms so suddenly in our eyes. You’re telling me that this girl who was tortured with her own body by not one, but two men, is suddenly all in for casual and hateful sex? I mean, ok I guess, we all react differently to trauma and maybe I’m misinterpreting Alicent’s character and projecting my own ideas on her, but then again I don’t think so. I am much more inclined to believe that this was done on purpose to please the Blacks’ fans. I mean, don’t we remember when Tyrion calls himself a fool for not clocking that a woman who was just sexually assaulted would not jump into his bed immediately after? What happened to that? I get that a woman that hasn’t had intercourse in years, considering Viserys’s health issues and all that, being in need of intimacy but they made it happen too fast.

I would have liked seeing them slowly fall for one another, them touching hands secretly, soft hugs, Alicent’s head on Criston’s chest. I would have liked seeing them ponder on the uncertainty that’s looming over them because “What’s going to happen now? What does the future hold for us?”. But then again, I understand that Condal’s intention is for us to hate them, not to make us like them more, because God forbid someone who’s not up Rhaenyra’s ass is likeable. Overall, I think Ryan generally enjoys using the Greens’s desires to ridicule them. The Alicole sex scenes, Aemond visiting the brothel, the mention of Aegon’s and Helaena’s married life, it all serves as a means to diminish them and embarrass them. Even the way the Alicole sex scenes are filmed, the angle of the camera, the positions, their content, is all just used to make us laugh at them, not to find them sexy, unlike Daemyra’s scenes.

So to summarise my thoughts on them, I am a big fan of Alicole the way they were portrayed in S1, but I do not like the way things escalated between them in S2 in the slightest so far (and that’s probably what Condal wanted anyways). I needed to see more of their romance building up before it turned physical.

Now, when it comes to Team Black calling them hypocrites, at this point I just roll my eyes at them because there’s no reason to argue with a fool. Alicent would have been a hypocrite if she hated Rhaenyra for having sex out of wedlock, but that’s not why she was pissed at her. She criticised her because she was seen in a pleasure house losing her virginity to her own uncle, which is indecent behaviour to say the least and could damage her reputation and her claim to the throne, not to say that it was a big “Fuck you” to Alicent’s face who had toiled hard to get Nyra the opportunity to marry any man in the kingdom, despite Rhaenyra’s hatred for her. She was also angry at her for lying in order to convince her to defend her to Viserys, which ultimately resulted in her father getting fired, a decision she deeply regrets when she finds out that her friend used her. And finally, she is judgemental of her producing bastards, flaunting them around, claiming they are legitimate when they’re clearly not and pushing her own children further down the line of succession. Alicent might not agree with Rhaenyra having sex with other men, that is true, but her hatred and criticism is directed at the effect Rhaenyra’s actions have on her and her family! Alicent has good reason to disapprove of Rhaenyra’s careless behaviour because it directly harms her, she does not criticise Rhaenyra simply for her extramarital activities. People who fail to see that just want to blindly hate on Alicent. Also, Alicent has done her duty. She was loyal to her husband, she gave him children, practically worked as his nurse for years. What duty is she breaking by sleeping with Cole? What else should she be sacrificing? Her relationship with him affects only him and her. Finally, Criston’s ascension symbolises his rebirth into Alicent’s protector. He exists, now, only to serve her interests. He tells her in the last episode that he can never atone for his sins, meaning that he has accepted his mistakes and knows that there’s no point in trying to erase them now. The man that thought his honour is the most important thing in the world died the day Rhaenyra equated him to a whore. I do not understand people’s obsession with wanting Criston to maintain his oath of celibacy, a vow he gave to the family that used him for sex? Sounds like rape apology to me. Him having sex now does not diminish the trauma he went through or how important his oath and honour were to him back then, nor does it minimise the importance of his suicide attempt. It disgusts me to hear people say that. It just shows that Criston has finally more to live for and that he’s retaking his life in his hands again.

Alicent having consensual sex that affects no one in her 40’s, after she birthed 4 children and became a widow, is not the same as Rhaenyra going to a brothel, losing her virginity to her uncle and her guard in the same night, lying that she didn’t, having sex with her uncle on his wife’s and her baby daddy’s funeral and pretending her children have a claim to the throne. Using the “Where’s duty? Where’s sacrifice?” line against Alicent carries the same energy as the Phantom of the Opera mocking Raoul as he chokes him by telling him to “Order [his] fine horses now!” because he was jealous of Raoul when he called his horses to take Christine on a date, something the Phantom could not do. Both of these lines being used against those who said them originally only show the pettiness of the mockers, because Alicent is not dismissing any duties or sacrifices by having sex with Criston, same as Raoul was not flaunting his wealth when he called for his carriage. The Team Black stans who use this line, just like the Phantom, are simply demonstrating their own jealousy and insecurities by trying to make fun of Alicent in a way that doesn’t even make sense. She has made sacrifices aplenty, her duty is fulfilled and now her watch has ended.

[kuebiko-writing]

✧ Maji ✧ 20's ✧ she/her ✧ Secondhand Writer ✧

Hi! My name is Maji (ma-jee). I thought curating a blog all about writing would be fun, so here I am! A little bit about me: I struggle with social anxiety and possibly agoraphobia, and I'm at home all day, every day, with plenty of time for writing. I don't write as much as I want to, so surrounding myself with content about writing will hopefully give me a much needed boost in inspiration and motivation.

I believe writer's block is a thing (nuanced) and I'm always looking for ways to beat it.

If you're reading this and you're into writing as well, hello fellow tormented soul! Have you written anything today? Maybe you're staring at the dreaded blank page or scrolling through writeblr like I am instead of writing? 🧐 Please give me a follow or interact so I can check your blog out! I'm shy, but I would love to be mutuals and just like and reblog your content.

Feel free to tag me in tag games and stuff! It might take me a while to get to them though. ʚĭɞ

Random things about me:

I love coffee, but I'm biased towards hot chocolate as well. Also I can be bribed with cookies, just saying.

I used to be able to read 300 page books in a day. I'd just get so lost in the sauce. Now I'm lucky if I read a whole chapter. How I have fallen. 😔 (Trying to fix this by reading an hour at a time)

I don't know anything about Franz Kafka or Clarice Lispector or Slyvia Plath but they're tortured and relatable and their writing is like a spoonful of honey. (Idk why I'm saying this)

If you write anything that had to do with religious trauma- or any trauma really- please let me know! That's the good stuff.

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CURRENT WIP

The Immortal And His Fox

ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ Sᴏɴɢ

SOME BOOKS ɪ READ AND LOVED

The Good Demon by Jimmy Cajoleas Rosehead by Ksenia Anske Wetlands by Charlotte Roche Flambards by K.M Peyton Voice of The Blood Jemiah Jefferson The Captive Prince Series by C.S Pacat

MY ᴜʟᴛɪᴍᴀᴛᴇ ɢᴏᴀʟS

Complete the stories I start Learn to love writing more Make writing an escape from reality Make ocs that people will want to ask questions about, cosplay as, and make fanfics/fan art for

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My posts are under the tag #mine & #scribbles (#bookmarked is for stuff I want to come back to)

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[chlorinecake]

your first impression of your moots and your impression now?

took me a while to get to this but here’s my long asf answer 🐈‍⬛

@angel1kisses ✮⋆˙ idk, something abt her blog jst INSTANTLY captivated me, like… even before I saw what she looked like, I knew she’d be a baddie 😏 in simple word tho, jst think of every high school stereotype (minus jock) but in one person. that’s how chaotic her energy was to me 😭 and it’s the same way now… gotta love my random and smexy wifey huhu 🤭

@nikisdubblchococake ✮⋆˙ meme material. she had an asian santa pfp when I first saw her account 😭 so I figured she would have an interesting sense of humor. she also used a lot of slang and meme references whenever we texted, but I just loved her energy from the beginning, and I knew we’d end up being really close friends like we are now 🫶 my copium 💯

@minhosimthings ✮⋆˙ okay so… mona left an interesting first impression on me… I was honestly a bit intimidated by her in the beginning 😳?? I just didn’t feel worthy/brave enough to talk to her at first 😭 like… she had a very quirky, mysterious, and boss bitch vibe all around ~~ but when I finally got to know her, she’s literally such a sweetheart :( like Ik we’re partners in crime but she seriously stole my heart… ❤️‍🩹 my jagi… all mine 🫂

@starrywonie ✮⋆˙ y’all. I’m abt to embarrass the hell out of myself when I saw this, but I was literally OBSESSED with Nana when I first found her page (way before I started writing myself) ~ like, i honestly thought she was older than me bc I just looked up to her as THE Jungwon fan page. now after getting to know her tho, she’s literally a walking wonie 🥲 the cutest bby ever 🫶

@candewlsy ✮⋆˙ okay soooooooo, i didn’t really have a first impression of Mizu bc as soon as I discovered her blog, we were talking and texting on discord the next day 🤪 !! but from that, i can say she has a very lovable and sociable nature… always willing to learn more abt a person while also sharing things abt herself... can't forget how much she loves her cowboys, too 🤠

@wonfilez ✮⋆˙ i discovered her blog during my yandere phase and boy when I tell you she had me hooked with "beautiful monster" 🫠 I just admired how talented of a writer she was (even though that was the only work I'd read by her at the time, it was enough to make me a fan 😭)... aside from the past though, once I finally got to meet her, I admired her bubbly personality 🫶

@enmayz ✮⋆ ˙ I just never felt confident/worthy enough to speak to or even follow Mira 😭 ... just from seeing the way she'd talk about her moots on her blog, I could immediately tell she had such a beautiful soul, and anyone close to her was literally so lucky, like- now tho? don't even get me started on her voice... her looks... her charisma ??? the girl just slays, I tell you...

@jaylaxies ✮⋆˙ enhabler's disney princess right here ☝️. I don't know what it is abt Aria, but she just radiates such royal energy??? like, as crazy as it sounds, I'm pretty sure she sparkles like diamonds or smth, bc she's literally a celebrity. an ICON, I tell you. but aside from my fangirling, she really is a sweetheart. very humble, very chill... yeah, she just slays like that 😌

@hoondrop ✮⋆˙ intimidating part 2. I always felt like a peasant whenever I saw Moon’s blog, like- it seemed disrespectful for me to even scroll through her posts 🤡 idk if it was just the aesthetic of her page, but she genuinely seemed ethereal to me. and even now after speaking with her a few times, she’s like an older sister 🥲 cool, chill, while still being relatable, just in a mature sense 🫠

@takiberry ✮⋆˙ miss renè... from the day she followed me, I didn't even bother checking out her blog because I HAD ALREADY BEEN STALKING NGL 🤡 she just seemed so vibey from the way she responded to her fans, plus, not a lot of creators on here write abt &team, so I was like, yes, let's be friends !! now tho, I see her as the lucky friend... blessed with good looks, a sweet personality and the opportunity to talk to ej 🥲 she's just THAT girl ~~

@rowretro ✮⋆˙ even though we just became moots closer towards the end of this year, I had to include Rowan on this list because she's just so cool and bubbly, and I've already had sm fun getting to know this cutie patootie over the past few days and I can’t wait for our friendship to blossom as time goes on :)

@squoxle ✮⋆˙ this beeyatch just gets on my nerves, honestly... from the moment I saw her as a baby in the hospital, I knew she would be the death of my 9 month streak of peace. but to look on the bright side... actually? there is no bright side 😔 only darkness... my impression of her remains the same, tho. she stinks, she's ugly, and HELLA annoying XD

@microwvdstrawb3rri3s ✮⋆˙ when I first saw her account, I didn't really form an opinion abt her bc I saw her as a follower than anything. but once we started talking more frequently, I swear she's like the cutest little sister ever 🥲 so endearing, energetic, and sweet... like, it genuinely makes my day every time I see one of her silly asks or just a random "hello" message in my dms !!

@cheruluv ✮⋆˙ if I'm remembering correctly, I first met Iya when she asked abt one of my yandere fics, so I just assumed right out the gate that she'd have more of an edgy personality, but when I actually got to know her, she's such a ray of comfort ❤️‍🩹. I mean, she's literally a human version of a my little pony character. just so nice and friendly all the time... 🫠

Side Note: This year has been TRASH to say the least (won’t get into the details because the haters are waiting to celebrate my misfortune)… But ever since I started this blog in early August, I’ve never felt happier, like…. ever 🤑!!! So I just wanna thank all of my precious mooties for literally just existing (?) and getting me through some of the toughest moments in my life this year… obviously I’m religious, so I gotta give credit to the LORD too 🧎‍♀️ but knowing you guys is such a slay for me. Legit feels like I’m winning at life… but anyway, Happy New Year to all of you lovelies 🫶🫶🫶 and special thanks to @ashgonedash (the original gangster... kudos to this queen for requesting blood on ice 🫡), and @yourmomscuntis2tighy (my highness... MEGA props for coming up with the convenient chances plot, like HELLO???)... these two girls have supported my goofy ahh blog since the beginning, and I will always remember y’all baddies for that :3 Take care and stay safe !! MUAH 😽 Love, Chloé 🩵