#Satchie

[randomfoggytiger]

X-Files Collector’s Edition: Off-The-Wall Crazy Crack Fic {Edited}

Skinner’s gremlin birthday, Mulder and Scully adopting a Cheerio loving alien, nightmarish insurance claim calls, failed pipe repair with bubble gum-- this has all the crazy adventures that Chris Carter likes to pretend don’t exist (and do because I say so.) 

(Note: I separated this out from my original crack-fic post for better ~thematic~ order... and also because I had others that necessitated a re-ordering.)

Loose chronological order below! 

Diadem’s Happy Birthday  

““Crossing in to his office he hung his jacket in the small closet space hidden in the rear wall.  It was only upon turning back to his desk that he noticed the small parcel, set carefully atop a stack of mail.  It was hexagonal, about eight inches tall, and was wrapped in shiny green paper.  It was taunting him.    

Silly as it may be, his first instinct was to run.  Unfortunately he had a meeting in twelve minutes, so that was not an option.””

Skinner spends his birthday alternately bonding with and vainly hiding a Furby in his desk (at least he has someone to celebrate his special day with.)  

Yasinta Widjojo’s Monster Mash

““What's up?' Mulder asked.        

'Have you had your computer crashed lately?' Langly asked.        

'Of course, everyone had.' Scully shrugged.        

'It might not be as easy as you think it is. We discovered that some crashes were actually caused by an unknown biological entity in the system itself.' Byers said as he turned away from his computer.””

CSM’s latest nefarious scheme-- unleashing little monsters on the computers-- is stopped by TLG; but it explodes before they can pick it apart for information.

Satchie’s Claimed

““Now fully recovered and back at work, Mulder waged war against his health plan like a modern day Don Quixote tilting at imaginary windmills.  His medical claim had been denied five times without explanation, and he was incredibly frazzled.  Numerous phone calls to the hospital and claims office were less than productive.  He was inundated with past due notices and harassing phone calls from the hospital threatening to turn his account over to a collection agency, as well as letters from the health plan stating his claim could not be paid under the terms of the contract.””

Mulder has recovered from one of his many hospitalization stays only to encounter the real nightmare: insurance calls.

FootlessData507′s

Do You Want to Believe?  

““You whistle on your way to the Hoover Building. Why shouldn’t you whistle? You are a straight, well-educated, white American male in your thirties. You feel relevant and vital. “Stand aside!” your stride seems to say. “For I am a straight, well-educated, white American male in my thirties!” Nodding at a perfect stranger on the street, your body language adds, “And I grew up on Martha’s Vineyard!” However, your relevance and vitality diminish somewhat when you enter the Hoover Building, and diminish even more when you reach the audiovisual equipment room and are informed by Marge that you can’t have the good projector today because the Financial Crimes section needs it.”"

An alternating POV ‘Pick Your Own Adventure’ with Mulder whistling through his haphazard day and Scully trying to bail him out of his choices.

CLONK!

““Does Mulder know you’re here?” demanded Langly, who was sitting beside Frohike. The woman across from him flinched.            

“Excuse me,” she snapped, “what’s going on? Do you all know each other?” She tucked her hair, which was every bit as long and blonde as Langly’s, behind her ear.          

“Mulder doesn’t know I’m here,” Scully answered, “and I’d appreciate it—”    

“Why should she have to tell Mulder she’s here?” Frohike demanded, turning on Langly. “Unless she’s here for an X-File—”            

At this possibility, Frohike and Langly both started swiveling around, searching the basement for anything inconsistent with a Unitarian speed dating event.””

Scully’s cousin drags her out of her comfort zone in the pursuit of men-- at a different faith’s church with strangers and two Ken-doll identical twins... and TLG. It turns into a group shout and gossip session before all of them meet up with Mulder at the movie theater.

This is SO good. SOOOOOOO good. Everything weaves back and in on itself.

@scullysexual​/@bigfootwrites​/PostApocolypticAlien’s

Mulder and Scully Adopt an Alien

““The grey creature’s back is to him but Mulder can see in its hands is a bag of his Lucky Charms.

In a surprise, he drops his gun. It crashes to the floor startling the creature who turns in surprise. Its big black eyes stare up at Mulder with wonder and fright, the Lucky Charms bag clutched tightly in one hand, a marshmallow held frozen in the air in the other.

Then it starts screaming.

And Mulder starts screaming in response.

And everyone is screaming.””

Mulder is enamored with his cereal alien... until it bonds with Scully, who beams like a proud kindergarten teacher. Then Mulder gets petty and jealous.

Mulder and Scully Adopt an Alien Part 2

““I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” says Scully, shaking her head.

“It’ll be fine,” says Mulder with no hint of worry in his voice at all. “He looks fine.

”The ‘he’ referenced is the alien- dressed in one of Scully’s dresses from when she was younger, Mulder’s baseball hat covering his head.””

Mulder and Scully have to sneak their alien friend into FBI headquarters to (hopefully) find resources to return him home. They’re almost immediately in trouble, of course.

Char Hall’s Switch  

““Agent Mulder,"  Skinner began.    

"Yes?"  Mulder answered and Skinners face clouded with confusion.  Scully poked Mulder in the ribs and stepped forward.    

"She's funny, isn't she?  What can I do for you, sir?" she said calmly.  She felt like a fool.    

"Uh, you two have another case to do.  Mulder, I need you in my office in a half an hour.  Scully," he said, turning towards Mulder.  "I need you to perform an autopsy in bay four.  Pronto."  he said and stalked away from the office.””

Scully is woken in the office by the unpleasant realization that she and Mulder have body swapped. Mulder’s not happy, either; but his day gets worse every time he runs into cronies from her old life. (Also, they both get shot, so....)  

eponine119′s X-Mas

““"They'd been having hard times - in school, financially - it's conceivable they would be looking for an easy solution to their problems."

"Asking Santa?" cried Scully.  "These were seventeen and eighteen year old girls, Mulder, they've got to have more sense than that."

"I know," Mulder informed her, "My source tells me they intended to document Jolly Old Saint Nick and sell the pictures to the highest bidder.”"

Santa is kidnapping little girls to use as slave labor. He’s kinda evil, and makes them forget.

Mystic’s Plumbing

““...Their eyes raised to the roof where the drops originated from, a small hole with a circumference of about an inch.

"Rain?"  Mulder asked.

"We're in the basement."  Scully reminded.

Both never taking their eyes off the hole.””

Skinner finally cracks after seeing his agents drenched in water, failing to plug up a ceiling leak with bubble gum.

Kel’s The Shortest Mulder MedicalTorture Ever Written

““He vomited again and again, and he did not want to eat anything, not even sunflower seeds.  

Mulder said he felt fine but Scully said he had acute appendicitis. She took him to the hospital herself, to make sure that he didn't accidentally go to Antarctica.

The emergency room doctor did horrible things to Mulder, like push on his sore tummy and put a needle in his arm.””

This puts all medical torture hurtfic into simplified sentences while condescendingly patting the reader on the head. This SPOKE to my soul, which was ravaged with the wounds of bad X-Files fics. No joke I have a read a story based on all the mentioned tropes (and more.) Perfect. 

Amy Schatz’s

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

““Scully," he whined, looking up at her.  "I don't like Hazlenut/Irish  Cream/Ginger/Mocha/French  Vanilla/Chocolate Mint  coffee!   And  I  really don't  like  Peach/Pear/Apple Turnovers!"      

Scully shrugged.  "So? ��You didn't want to come  to my mother's   house   for   Christmas,  New   Year's,   Easter, President's  Day,  Columbus  Day,  St.  Patrick's  Day,   my birthday,  my cousin's shower, or Spring Cleaning  Day,  but you were glad you did afterwards, right?  So give the coffee and  pastry  a try."  She hoped that he would buy  that  and just  leave well enough alone.  Scully was not up to a fight with *Her* today.      

Mulder shook his head, suddenly feeling rebellious, and thinking  that this insanity had gone on too  long  and  too far.  "But, Scully-"    

"Mulder!" she hissed, "stick to the script!"

Meta-- Mulder and Scully are salty with the thousand-and-one unrealistic scenarios they have to act out each day, courtesy of the Writing Overlords.If they step out of line just a little, the punishment is swift, severe, and hysterical: for example, Pendrell in alluringly compromising positions for Scully. (READ THIS AND WEEP WITH LAUGHTER.)

Enjoy!

[lokisgoodgirl]

I started the Satchel Steve series the other day. Then last night I was running errands and the radio dj announced that these abominations are being marked as "belted satchels." I could not stop laughing.

I

Am

HOWLING

I feel like the whole Satchel Steve situation is encoded into a few of my core mutuals from way back when and the rest of you guys are like

(but it comes from here -he's basically the first Steve I wrote and is now my entire HC of Steve I just can't with him any other way))

So THANK YOU for taking the plunge into his world, full of so much embarrassment and Loki related desire 😂💼 long may he reign. Although i think a belted satchel might send him over the edge.

Actually no, because in his book...all satchels should be belted!!Lest they be sneezed in😂

[xxtraspoiledfujoshi]

Bromance recommendation: High and Low & High and Low the worst

A fujoshi knows okay, we KNOW

[amacrazyshark]

The Redemon Pals...eating breakfast!!!!

Writhe and shine, everydemon!

[tillman]

hai hubby

I dont even wanna hear hai from the lady taking deep sniffs of other mens pussies.

[certified-hunterfucker]

pureblood name tag masterlist

and because i hate myself more, why not make a pureblood taglist. for no fucking reason apparently

hi welcome to the pureblood show. i am not separating this by class or explaining we die like men

@snootysith if u would like to see an example of more absurdly long pureblood names :3c SPEAKING OF. i need to send u the lightsider lineage lore >:) thats where like 90% of these names came from

also funny is that i noticed i did not have one single î or ê in this mix at all. damn

this pretty much covers the wide array of castes that the nidulli decided on, but wouldnt have really existed in this way on medriaas wayyyy back then.

acedae is an example of what the nidulli would assume a religious family, with only the surnames of her parents' most dominant bloodline and a short blessing trait ("trailblazer" in low sith); sruhya and kharâ would be governmental, only carrying the most dominant maiden overall.

those with five names and a longer blessing are considered royalty to the nidulli. tsaidhâ, a priest (which is ironically still a different caste), carries seven names because he was adopted by a priest and decided to put their name before his birth family's.

all blessings but acedae + loirlâ's are in high sith. mazum doesn't have a blessing, since her family is disgraced.

uhhhh the handful of single names, were all former slaves who had their family names stripped from them. eventually i will go back to working on ffon's family :3

and i know i have a handful more purebloods to make but this should be. enough

[jaejoongs-nipple-piercing]

@emeraldbabygirl and me:

[djregular]

The new Satchy single in this week's What's Good made me want to watch the video for "Comfort" but it had gotten taken down for some reason.

Activating "please don't call the cops" mode. From his excellent EP The Muse, which you should check out, along with his other stuff.

[radio-fmm]

Kitchen counter

Fluff drabble + gn reader

Masterlist

Law almost jumps out of his skin when he spots you drowsy on the kitchen counter, alone in silence underneath the white lights of the submarine, almost like a lucid dream

He approaches you from behind, keeping silent

He towers over you even when sitting down, his eyes wonder on your peaceful face, eyes closed, hand under your chin while the other stays clinging to your cup of tea

You hate tea, you must’ve been desperate, looking for a cure to your sleepless night

He admires you for a while, not noticing he may appear a little bit creepy just staring, but you look just so effortlessly dreamy

“I can feel you staring, Captain” you mutter, your voice soft like a summer breeze, but it shakes Law to his core

He takes a step back and panics, but as your giggles meets his ears, he relaxes, a smirk forming in his lips as he decides to sit beside you

“Sleeping on the kitchen won’t help you rest better” you let out a tired sigh, your head turning to your Captain

When your eyes meet, Law can’t help but wonder if you always look at him the way you’re looking at him now, full of adoration, like he’s the answer to all of your problems

The calmness of the late night allows him to unravel, savoring the moment of your shared presence, bodies tired and souls alight

“I just had a long day”

He knew this. At very early hours of the day, he had heard your loud screaming trough the hallways of the sub, bashing over Satchi and Penguin who had thrown away an important paper you had been working on when they were tasked with cleaning your office

So you had to redo the whole paperwork

Because of this, you were late for dinner and the worst thing imaginable had happened, you didn’t get any dessert

Your favorite part of the day

Suddenly, Law feels a weight on his shoulder, he turns to see your head nuzzled on his side, eyes lost looking at the emptiness of the kitchen. A new feeling forms in his heart, he can feel it reeling going a mile per minute, warmth irradiates from his flushed face, and even though this feeling is new and alien, he likes it

Another silence falls over both, but this one’s different, this one is sweet, homely and welcome, a silence that speaks louder than any words could

Scared, Law allows his head to fall over yours, the way his body fits with yours in prefect harmony makes his heart swell. He closes his eyes and prays for this moment to remain forever, he wants you all to himself like this everyday

After a while, your weight falls slack, he peeks to see you completely asleep. He smiles to himself, a hand traveling to push away the lost strands of hair, showing him a full picture of your beautiful face

Big mistake

Another wave of that same emotion he felt moments ago washes over him, what were you doing to this poor man?

What was he to do now?

Ever so gently, he removes his arm to support your back while the other goes down to your feet so he can pick you up bridal style, keeping you close to his chest. As he walks you to your room, he feels you clenching at his shirt, looking for his warmth

He lets you down light as a feather, but a part of him doesn’t want to let go, a part of him wants to take you away

He peeks at Ikkaku’s bed praying to every god above that she hasn’t woken up, to his delight she is fast asleep without a care in the world. He tucks you in with the outmost care, before he stares at you yet again, burning this moment into his memory

“Good night” he whispers, making his way out to his bed

As he drifts to sleep he wonders if having you by his side every night would help you sleep better

It’ll help him sleep better that’s for sure

[cyborg-franky]

Keeping a surprise a secret

They completely forget about it themselves so it's a surprise for BOTH of you. Marco, Sabo, Zoro, Brook

Is so painfully smug about it you just know something is going to happen even if they don't -say- a damn thing. Marco, Law, Doffy, Sir Crocodile, Robin, Rayleigh

Chill about it, so chill you don't think they even care. Izou, Law, Mihawk, Nami

Great at secrets and surprises. Izou, Killer, Corazon, Mihawk, Nami, Robin, Jinbei

Loves taunting you 'Oooh I have such a surprise for you!' Ace, Thatch, Satchi, Koala, Sanji, Franky, Luffy, Perona

Tries to be chill but is stood there sweating buckets. Deuce, Penguin, Buggy

Blurts it out -10 chill points. Penguin, Satchi, Brook [when he remembers] Luffy, Roger, Buggy

Tries to throw you off 'Nah, not got anything planned' and fools you. Kidd, Killer, Sir Crocodile, Nami,

Tries to throw you off 'Pffft me? have something planned? nooo' and you see through that BS in a second. Ace, Thatch, Sanji, Perona

Lies and avoids the subject. Deuce, Sabo, Buggy

[jaejoongs-nipple-piercing]

@emeraldbabygirl you should have tagged me!!

I want him but with Satchi hair color 👉👈

I will dispel your father's curse. You haven't realized who you are yet.

SHISON JUN as Kai Asakura Fermat's Cuisine (2023)

[lokisgoodgirl]

A HECKSITE PATCH?? HECKERS 🤣🤣Satchel! Steve would 10000% approve. Iron on for easy tactical suit addition.

I think I have sunstroke already.

C(heckers) it out❤️@lokischambermaid @itsybitchylittlewitchy @ijuststareatstuffhereok89 @fictive-sl0th @lovelysizzlingbluebird @skymoonandstardust @muddyorbsblr @mischief2sarawr @xorpsbane @arch-venus25 @stuckylaufeyson

[murayamasbandana]

"Satchi, I made a new friend!"

[amacrazyshark]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Denny sure has a way of getting under your skin!

[california-112]

Episode ask game!

-Beyond the Sea

-Irresistible

-Pusher

-Demons

(All my season favorites)

+ Excelsis Dei because I think you’ll be funny:)

Oh, multiple! This will be fun!

For reference and to avoid repetition, here is the scale:

Scum on Earth | Will Not Rewatch | Pretty Bad | Not Great but Charming | Objectively Not Good But I Had Fun | Neutral | Some Good Stuff Here | No Complaints | This is Great | This is Fantastic | One of My Favorites | Actually a Divine Work Nothing Will Ever Top This

S01E13 'Beyond The Sea' - This Is Fantastic

Sticks to the pattern of the Christmas ep going directly for the feels

Surprise Don Davis! But he dies basically immediately so :(

Scully's backstory gets quite a bit of a reveal though

Mulder whump! Complete with hospital scenes! The gods are kind to us today

I actually cheered when Scully went to Boggs after Mulder was shot and absolutely went off at him

And how Scully takes over on the case whilst Mulder is in the hospital and sees it through to the end...

The fake deal scene yesss

S02E13 'Irresistible' - This Is Great

I'm not gonna lie. First watch around I didn't find it too compelling

That said it was during the period when I was going through like seven episodes a day so...a lot of things flew right by me lol

Moe Bocks the UFO guy! Wish we'd seen more of him!

Mulder just took the case to go see the game and then all this happens. Bruuuh

Pfaster is creepy as f*ck just in general how did he ever get a job anywhere

Yet another Scully kidnapping :(

She does practically get away all by herself, though! You go girl!

Then when Mulder tilts her head after the rescue at the end...and the hug...your honour I have never felt more touch starved in my life who said that. Anyway

Great ep for Scully's character from an outsider perspective but sucked to be her :'(

S03E17 'Pusher' - One Of My Favourites

First of all the whole bit of Modell being able to just talk people into doing things is so interesting as a concept

This is the one with Dave Grohl in it for no reason so that's fun

The falling asleep in the car on the stakeout...

"Please explain to me the scientific nature of the whammy"

Modell looks like Sam Neill from The Dish or is it just me

The scene in the van where Mulder says 'smile, Scully' almost destroyed me

And then THE RUSSIAN ROULETTE. HOLY SH*T

Something something Mulder's mental state is secretly (!) really bad. Let's examine that in a fic (coming soon!) (hopefully!)

S04E23 'Demons' - One Of My Favourites

OH MY GOODNESS this ep.

First of all the scene in the motel where Scully takes care of Mulder I am DECEASED it lives in my head RENT FREE FOREVER

Particularly the line 'Did you take anything, Mulder?' as discussed in this ask

The rest of the ep though. Mulder's insistence to pursue the case despite his condition as he doesn't remember if he shot the Cassandras. The fact that he's actually literally having seizures and Scully is trying to get him to a hospital and he keeps refusing. And then the climax scene in the old house...waaa

And the fact that this is RIGHT BEFORE Gethsemane but we're not talking about that here

The amount of fics around this episode is obviously immense, but some of my favourites are Blood And Water by @agent-troi, Provisions by @freckleslikestars, and Dancing With Mephistopheles by Satchie, everyone go check them out!

S02E11 'Excelsis Dei' - Neutral

This is being kind. I might avoid it on a rewatch

It was boring even to skippy rewatch to write this but it would make good background whilst I'm working (recently I have been listening to episodes like audiobooks whilst doing particularly mindless tasks and it works surprisingly well)

I only really liked the climax scene in the bathroom and even that didnt climax enough imo

To quote the fic plan that I have for this episode:

The rest of the episode is meh due to the subject matter and portrayals etc.

The '''plumbing''' comment though 💀 Scully should have got to drop kick that guy

Also Teryl Rothery!!! Hello!!!

Thanks for this ask! It made my day a lot better to get to review these episodes! :)

[deep-space-mining-ship]

Satchi art.