#SUF theory

[screwpinecaprice]

He communicated through mental text.

[artsycooky13]

i just find it really sweet but also find the contrast super funny that steven always has a smol cute pic of connie by his bedside, meanwhile connie has a big hecking poster of him  (and lion <3)

[cheeki-tails]

going back to my roots (monster body fun to draw)

[i-like-pie-and-pi]

Y'ALL !!!✨‼️

I'm so so curious what to see what everyone thinks

Please reblog for a bigger sample size I am a very small blog, but I WANT ANSWERS

[lip-gallaghers-cigarette]

I am about to infodump about why steven universe has BPD (and cptsd but thats canon)

later in the series and in SU future is when all the trauma has already happened and hes finally safe is when it manifests itself heavier. hes very people pleasing, putting other peoples needs ahead of himself, even if the other person is in the wrong, his emotions spiral so out of control that he becomes corrupted or goes "pink mode", he has identity issues (bc of constantly being told hes his mother) to the point where he cant tell if he is her, if he is himself, if hes a he, if hes a she, if hes a gem or if hes a human, good or evil, etc.

has bursts of intense anger and feelings of guilt, would go to any length to keep people in his life (connie for example) and when she rejected his proposal his symptoms spiraled out of control, which is typically what happens w bpd, its triggered, his symptoms started presenting when he hit 16 / SU future. as for the ptsd though thats actually canon, there is an episode where he visits the doctor and she doesnt directly call it ptsd but shes asking him about his trauma and how far back it stems from (and he begins recalling traumatic events starting all the way from the beginning of the series to the middle of the series before connies mom interrupts him and tells him that he p much has c-ptsd) and steven starts having intense flashbacks and then falls into an episode when he is reminded of connie rejecting his proposal, his body starts physically reacting to it as if its happening again. (which by the way the proposal was very impulsive and spontaneous and mainly based in fear of abandonment, and solidified when garnet agreed. very bpd like.)

he views small issues as life threatening, which is seen in ptsd and bpd. hes been in a constant state of trauma since childhood, never knew his mom and constantly i n peril fighting monsters he doesnt even know the origin of protecting himself from a battle his mother forced him into, bpd and ptsd are inherently traumagenic. he changes himself and overextends himself to fit other people's perception of what he should be or to fit his own idea of perfection, hes terrified of being alone and will go to any lengths to keep his loved ones around him.

when people offer him support he pushes it away because he doesnt want to burden his loved ones with his problems or intense emotions or trauma. in fact, he bottles it up SO much that he falls into an episode where he starts fixing other peoples problems to distract himself from his own, as if fixing other people will in turn fix himself, which only makes it worse and worse until he explodes. he talks about how hes worthless, how hes a bad person, how he doesnt deserve his loved ones, and then becomes corrupted when the trauma become too much for him gem to handle anymore. (Him splitting on himself after bottling his feelings up for so long)

this was only soothed when his loved ones reminded him how much he was loved and cared for. he lacked a voice his whole life and once jasper taught him to fight and defend himself and he became all big and strong his personality changed completely and he ended up becoming aggressive in the same way jasper was and literally purposely and v violently shattered her because of it (which is obviously very out of character for steven who has healing powers)

he also takes control of and attempts to shatter white diamond when he has trauma flashbacks to her almost killing him despite working through those issues previous

he has a "the grass is greener on the other side" mindset

He has bouts of uncontrollable rage because he has no form of grasp of his emotions due to alienating them.

He creates narratives sticks to them then he is unable to change these thought processes.

after shattering jasper he has an intense panic attack, thinking he is a violent killer or bad person, his guilt spirals and he makes a very desperate and emotional attempt at bringing her back.

he also takes control of and attempts to shatter white diamond when he has trauma flashbacks to her almost killing him despite working through those issues previous.

he has a "the grass is greener on the other side" mindset

He has bouts of uncontrollable rage because he has no form of grasp of his emotions due to alienating them.

He creates narratives sticks to them then he is unable to change these thought processes.

He creates a happily ever after in his mind and then when the outcome isn't perfect or what he imagined he freaks out.

he has frequent flashbacks to issues from his past and tends to block the thoughts out when they show up or dissociate himself from them, or, alternatively, he hyper-fixates on them so much that it takes over every aspect of his waking life. he also thinks in black and white a lot, with things being either all good or all bad, and becomes paranoid about other peoples intentions or the way they perceive him. he also is CONSTANTLY on edge expecting bad things to happen and prepares himself for danger that might not even come.

Also throwback to the time where he crashed the car and split on his dad when he realized his dad got the childhood he always wanted and that he was neglected, he quickly went from idealizing his dad to feeling spiteful toward him and putting their own lives in danger.

also the time when he realized all of his friends were moving on without him and subconsciously trapped them in a giant bubble that he had no control over

oh and the NIGHTMARES!!!

- sincerely, a Steven kinnie with BPD and C-PTSD. (Cross-Posted)

[novantinuum]

*flaILS MY ARMS AROUND*

i am,,,, expecting

i found a very excellent stuffed Wormy Boi to adopt and call my own and cannot Wait to hug him

[fangirls-just-want-to-have-fun]

anyways, I’m still thinking about how the whole solution to the conflict in the Steven Universe movie was to give all the “pieces” back to each of our beloved characters to bring them back to their original selves and in doing so Steven was forgetting and neglecting Spinel which ends up turning her back into her villainous self, when Spinel being neglected and forgotten by Pink Diamond is literally WHY she became a villain in the first place and how Rebecca Sugar is absolutely INSANE for that

[jemthecrystalgem]

My new theory (yes, in 2024) is that Steven/Pink Diamond has corruption powers. Every Diamond has a power with opposite effects depending on if they use it destructively or constructively. Blue with her emotion control, White with her mind manipulation, and Yellow with her body morphing. My theory is Pink had some form of all three of these, to the point of making her so powerful she could single-handedly corrupt or heal Gems.

Think about it, Pink alone is the one who caused Pink Pearl to crack. Not her gem, her face. Her mind. Steven tells a joke that causes White to turn pink, like how Blue’s emotion manipulation turns everything blue. Steven and Rose could heal a Gem’s gem. Their body.

And despite being the cause for Earth’s widespread corruption, even when all three Diamonds were trying to heal Centipeedle, they failed. Only when Steven joins in does she stay healed. “But wait, Steven never corrupts anybody, and the Pink Pearl crack could have been trauma!” Well for one, look at how many Gems are clearly deeply traumatized and never crack once (their gem not included). For two, Steven does corrupt someone. Himself.

At the end of Steven Universe Future he corrupts himself when he finally has a breakdown and his Pink powers go haywire (like Pink’s when she hurt Pink Pearl’s form). And what heals him? His own tears. Yes, as far as we know from the show it’s all the Diamonds’ essences that heal corruption, but we also know it takes Blue, White, and Yellow to corrupt, while just those 3 can’t heal it. But Steven? He’s the only one who can corrupt single-handedly, and he’s the only one who can permanently fix corruption.

TL;DR: Pink Diamond’s powers were healing and corruption. When she used her powers for good it brought life and healing. But if used for bad it became harmful and corruptive.

Long Corruption theory time

Ok so one of the main arguments I've seen against the corrupted steven theory is that corruption was from the diamond attack and can't be self inflicted. The only self corruption case we've seen was with jasper but that was because she fused with an already corrupted gem.

So from this we can assume that only the diamonds have the power to corrupt. The thing is, they didn't even know that corruption was a thing.

Both Yellow and Blue had assumed that their attack had wiped out all gems on earth and when shown an actual corrupt gem Yellow says "What am I looking at?" as if shes never seen a corrupt gem before.

So where am I going with this? Well first let's take a look at Blue's ability to make other gems feel her emotions and cry. Let's also assume that in terms of power that Blue and Yellow are equal. So if Blue can superimpose her sadness on other gems why can't Yellow impose her rage? All gems are made from concentrated diamond essences so it would make sense that they would be able to manipulate their emotions.

The same goes for White, who we have seen to be much more powerful than Yellow and Blue and can quite literally take control of other gems. We can assume that pre pink diamond shattering White actually showed emotions and spent time with the other diamonds and Steven's actions in CYM brought that back out of her (her anger from steven's gem not being Pink and her embarrassment from Steven's comment).

From this information we can assume that 1. Corruption can only be caused by the Diamonds and 2. The Diamonds in one way or another have the ability to impose themselves onto other gems.

Now what exactly is corruption? It's only been described as 'Damage from the Diamonds' but that's pretty vague. Pearl and Garnet's explanation is the closest we've gotten to what corruption is specifically.

Pearl: "... remember shes not cracked, shes corrupted and that's something different. Something nearly impossible to describe!"

Garnet: "It's sort of like if MC bear bear didnt tear the fabric of his arm, but the fabric of his mind."

So corruption is psychological and the result of a broken mind (not to be confused with pink pearl's psychological trauma manifesting as the crack on her face, but that's a story for another day).

So what exactly was the diamond attack? Their intention was to destroy gems but instead they were corrupted, so what did they hit them with exactly?

Emotions.

And not just any emotions. Intense feelings of rage, despair, and sadness from the loss of Pink. They superimposed their intense feelings of that loss onto all those gems; overloading their psyches and breaking their minds causing them to lose control of their minds and bodies (sort of like overloading a computer to the point where it crashes and the data gets corrupted).

Now to wrap it all up lets bring in the steven self corruption theory. We know that 1. Steven is a diamond and only diamonds have the power to corrupt. 2. Steven has been bottling up his emotions for years and it's just been getting worse with the pink mode outbursts and all his human friends leaving. So what happens when a half diamond half human teenager bottles up his intense emotions? His diamond powers will turn on himself and it's going to manifest one way or another; and so far we have no evidence on who else this big guy could be other than an emotionally broken, super powerful gem human hybrid.

[itsgerges]

Best Regards The Gravitational Waves Reflection In The Solar System (Analytical Study) (Revised) https://app.box.com/s/yx3tx5lsvwy4025p4j3mwfeliwhtka07 or https://app.box.com/s/9wywdejkxqh7x4g791ntf3p3p01kkm8f

Paper question How Is Planet Velocity Defined? Paper Hypothesis No. (1) The solar system is one energy moves in space and reflects 3 times - the points of the reflection are the planets- as a result- the planets are created depending one each other by this energy reflection.

The Explanation Of The Hypothesis No. (1) I- Preface Why do we need to define Planet velocity here? Because Planet velocity definition disproves The Solar System Classical Description.

II- The hypothesis Explanation in details 1- The Energy Reflection Definition 2- The Energy Reflection Proves 3- The Energy Reflection Result 4- The Energy Reflection Objective 5- Saturn Creation Depends On Uranus And The Earth Let's explain the previous items in following

I- PREFACE Why do we need to define Planet velocity before any other discussion in this paper? Because Planet velocity disproves The Solar System Classical Description. The classical description refutation is a great event because the theories depend on it- and – that means- more than 12 theories are wrong in the modern physics book- Shortly- more than the half of the modern physics book provides imaginary ideas and wrong theories because the solar system classical description is wrong. Let's see examples to explain that clearly Example No. (1) No Planet Moves By The Sun Gravity- Newton is wrong- I have proved this fact since long time- and I explained that- Planet moves by the force caused its creation- means- the planet creation and motion is done by one force only otherwise this planet would be broken- simply – if two forces have effects on the same planet it would be broken- means- the planet moves with its creation force- again No planet moves by the sun gravity- The example shows a gap between the physics book and the solar system facts – Newton imaginary idea is believed by everyone since 400 years! But- the example doesn't show how great the gap is- in fact the shock is coming from The Sun Nuclear Fusion Theory- let's see the next example Example No. (2) The Sun Is Created By The Planets Motions Energies–The Sun Is A Phenomenon Here we can see the gap clearly - The solar planets were found in their orbits before the sun creation and the planets were revolving around a point in space (this point has no light) The planet motion produces energy (1/2 mv^2) and this energy is stored in the space in waves form- the planets were revolving around this point for long periods till the stored motion energy in the space be massive energy- From this massive motion energy the light beam is created (the sun rays is created) The sun rays is created from this energy- that tells why the sun corona temperature is 5 millions Kelvin but the sun surface is 5800 Kelvin- simply- because The Sun Is Not Doing Nuclear Fusion To Produce Its Rays, the rays is created by the planets motions energies– The Sun Rays Show The Great Gap Between The Physics Book And The Facts The wrong description is the reason behind the imaginary ideas and wrong theories in the physics book- one more example- the scientists won Nobel prize in physics for their discovery for the gravitational waves-these scientists told us– the gravitational waves are produced by the sun gravitational field which is NOT FACT– the gravitational waves are produced by Planet motion energy- where the planet moves and produces energy (1/2 mv^2) and the planet can't store its motion energy inside its body otherwise its temperature would be raised for that the planet motion energy is stored in the space In Waves Form- the scientists discovered these waves and they called them gravitational waves!! Let's provide one more example

Example No. (3) The big bang theory tells us the planet creation is done by random process- in details- the theory tells–some planets are suffered from collisions and these collisions changed their diameters and masses- by that we can't know their original diameters and masses by that the current values of these diameters and masses are found by chance and without any geometrical reasons and should be considered random data- For example- Jupiter diameter now is 142984 km but what's this diameter value in the first creation of Jupiter? The big bang theory and all random creation ideas are wrong and nonsense- shortly- I have my planet diameter equation which proves Planet diameter is created based on a geometrical rule- means- for example- Jupiter diameter is created at first as 142984 km and never changed since its creation- if any planet had collision and changed its diameter this collision results would be recorded in this planet motion features- as happened with Mars- Mars original orbit was between Mercury and Venus and Mars had migrated to its current orbit- and Mars had collided with Venus and The Earth in its migration motion- but Mars diameter equation refers frequently to its original orbit features and data- that tells the planet motion provides a record for its history because all data is required for planet motion- by that – all data depends on geometrical rules and no random process is used in it – let's introduce my planet diameter equation in following…. Planet Diameter Equation (v1/v2)= (s/r)= I v = Planet Velocity and r = Planet Diameter s= Planet Rotation Periods Number In Its Orbital Period I= Planet Orbital Inclination (example, 1.8 degrees be produced as a rate 1.8) v2, s, r and I are belonged to one planet and v1 is belonged to another planet The planet (v1) is defined by test the minimum error -Earth Equation uses Neptune velocity -Mars Equation uses Pluto velocity -Jupiter Equation uses the Earth moon velocity -Saturn Equation uses Mars velocity -Uranus Equation uses Neptune velocity (As Earth) -Neptune Equation uses Saturn velocity -Pluto Equation uses the Earth moon velocity (As Jupiter) (The Equation works from The Earth To Pluto) (the discussion explains the reason) Example Neptune Equation (89143 /49528) = 9.7/ 5.4 =1.8 where 89143 = Neptune rotation periods number in Neptune orbital period 49528 km = Neptune diameter 9.7 km/s = Saturn velocity 5.4 km/s = Neptune velocity 59800 days = Neptune orbital period (and Neptune rotation period =16.1 hours) 1.8 degrees = Neptune Orbital Inclination (CONT)

Gerges Francis Tawdrous +201022532292 Physics Department- Physics & Mathematics Faculty Peoples' Friendship university of Russia – Moscow (2010-2013)

Curriculum Vitae https://www.academia.edu/s/b88b0ecb7c E-mail mrwaheid@gmail.com, mrwaheid1@yahoo.com gergesgerges@yandex.ru ORCID https://orcid.org/0000-0002-1041-7147 Facebook https://www.facebook.com/gergis.tawadrous VK https://vk.com/id696655587 Tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/itsgerges Researcherid https://publons.com/researcher/3510834/gerges-tawadrous/ Google https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=2Y4ZdTUAAAAJ&hl=en Livejournal https://gerges2022.livejournal.com/profile Pocket https://getpocket.com/@646g8dZ0p3aX5Ad1bsTr4d9THjA5p6a5b2fX99zd54g221E4bs76eBdtf6aJw5d0?src=navbar

PUBLICATIONS box https://app.box.com/s/47fwd0gshir636xt0i3wpso8lvvl8vnv Academia https://rudn.academia.edu/GergesTawadrous List of publications http://vixra.org/author/gerges_francis_tawdrous Slideshare https://www.slideshare.net/Gergesfrancis

[product05]

Long Post!

Another post of appreciation because I cannot express how thankful I am for the owl house. I just needed to let it out okay!? I'm coping ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

Thank you for rubypanda on youtube for sharing their drawings of the owl house that somehow made me want to watch the show.

Thank you person who uploaded the proof that king is bill cipher in owl house video from youtube that also made me want to watch the show.

Thank you Steven Universe for making me wait for a new episode of SUF and watching it on (insert site lmao) which led me to see the owl house in its first 1-4 episode but I didn't watched it that time since I'm not invested yet (watched it during first hiatus). Thank you Rebecca Sugar lol.

Thank you Dana Terrace and the whole owl crew for the show. Incredible and beautiful show that means so much to me. It reignited my will to draw again so I ended up drawing toh every night lmao. Really really thank you!

Thank you Joriah Kwame for little miss perfect and ordinary lol. A true legend.

Thank you for the daily pics of Luz. I did saw them and waited for them during the hiatuses.

Thank you toh fandom for being there, just the thought of this many people watching the show at the same time as me makes me so happy. Thank you for the jokes, the comics, the aus, the fanfics, and just being there with me in this wild rollercoaster ride. I didn't thought Lumity will be a thing nor hoped it would be a thing, but good titan you made me had 2nd hand embarrassment every time they had a scene together LMAO My smile is on the roof every time LMAO. Thank you for the theories and interactions. This is still why its the best for shows like these for the episodes to be released once a week because of the interaction, the theories, and code breaking with these people while waiting for the next episode!

Thank you MoringMark for the comics lol. I love them! A true legend.

Thank you all! I really am grateful! ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

[tenaciousdecapitator]

I posted 2,951 times in 2022

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I tagged 2,951 of my posts in 2022

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Longest Tag: 139 characters

#tfw youve only known about the existence of  space beyond your moons for like a month tops and youre already qualified for a masters degree

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I can only assume that during the development of Stanley Parable Ultra Deluxe, Galactic Cafe managed to get a few seconds into their "So we need some new games for the "Let's play someone else's games" ending-" request before Campo Santo and Psyonix were like "HOLY SHIT, YES, HERE'S THE ASSET FILES, GO NUTS"

61 notes - Posted May 1, 2022

#4

AroAce Hunter and/or Willow theorists when they see Hunter in the previews seemingly dressed as a Borg version of Data from TNG, who was (albeit roughly handled) aspec coded:

AroAce Hunter and/or Willow theorists when they realize Hunter’s cosplay character is named after Chief Engineer Miles O’ Brien from TNG/DS9, who canonically marries a botanist:

102 notes - Posted October 23, 2022

#3

So. I have a theory about this. Blue Pearl commissioned Bismuth to make wedding armor for Yellow Pearl potentially because, after attending a lecture on Medieval Knighthood by Pearl, she finds out about the concept of courtly love. She sees a parallel with it to her own centuries-long relationship with YP, and a wedding theme is cemented. The armor’s cape is green because BP heard about Garnet’s Tux-Dress and wanted a similar result, so she went to Bismuth, who canonically has a method of crafting armor that shifts and grows with its wearer. We never saw what BP’s dress looks like because the Crewniverse wanted to keep its design as open to interpretation as the various other plot prompts that SUF left unresolved, like the continuing adventures of Captain Centi and the Nephrite Crew. All I know is, Vidalia deserves to be maid of honor.

109 notes - Posted March 1, 2022

#2

Entrapta, like Catra, has all the foundations for a corruption arc. Pre-existing deviance, a solid motivation for revenge, climbing up the enemy ranks until she is the head boss's left hand, and then gaining powet over Hordak himself. Like many villain scientists she assists and joins with the good guys from time to time.

What makes Entrapta different is that, through all of this, she ISNT a mastermind, morally grey ends justifies the means scientist. She is in fact a complete cinnamon roll who's hurt by what happened but doesn't hold a grudge at all and has joined the villains because they gave her sense of belonging, and a place to foster her love of science. So you have the top dog villain at the start of season 3 when shes finally got power over Hordak, and she's using it to tell him to love himself, to show him that our flaws are what make us beautiful and they shouldn't be masked, especially if we need help. And in season 5 she's not the sneaky ex villain getting a questionable redemption, she's literally leading the front lines in terms of converting people to the Rebellion, pulling one clone of a million clones out from under Prime and immediately being able to connect with him, being the one to tell Prime to his face he will never understand love, wrecking his brainwashing network, her connection with Hordak leading to Prime's death.

It's... so OPPOSITE to Shadow Weaver, who joined the rebellion about the same time Entrapta overtook Catra in the horde and then disappeared. Weaver has the standard "redemption" arc but doesn't learn a damn thing in her life, has no humility, and is constantly fucking with people's heads underneath her silver tongued words, all stuff Entrapta literally cannot do.

So you have this very compassionate pure of heart character influencing the iron cold leader of the villains, and this incredibly manipulative abusive character influencing the leaders of the heroes.

I think it's interested how shera plays so hard with tropes.

Yes! Exactly! One of my favorite parts about Entrapta’s character is that, in seemingly direct contrast to Shadow Weaver who looks, talks, and acts like a fairy tale Disney villain evil witch 24/7, with even her attempted ‘redemption martyr moment’ just piling more mental scars onto her surrogate daughters,  everything that we’re presented with in the first few minutes System Failure gives us the idea that Entrapta is this typical (albeit sweet-toothed) Mad Scientist soon-to-be-if-not-already-villain. She lives in a classically evil scary castle on a mountain, it’s full of traps, secret passageways, and (conveniently timed) robot zombies, and there’s mutants in the sewers apparently?!? Especially since some fans know her old incarnation was a shallow villain, once she finally crawls out of a vent like a goddamn Xenomorph with welding mask eyes glowing with menace the audience thinks they have her character figured out, and then she subverts these expectations by greeting our heroes with a genuine, cheery, hospitable welcome that still acknowledges the immediate danger they’re facing and her direct involvement in it. And ever since then, all she’s wanted to do is help people and do science (and hopefully make friends with people by doing those two things). Even when she learns She Ra’s most direct and effective weakness, even when she’s given the chance to use that weakness *again* after she thinks the BFS and Princess Alliance left her for dead, she still doesn’t take the opportunity to go full "They laughed at my experiments, but now I’ll show them all! Brand New Day! Muahahahaha!” etc etc. Shadow Weaver WISHES she could’ve climbed the evil corporate ladder as fast as Entrapta did, and ironically she accomplished it by doing the exact opposite approach to SW: Being 100% genuine and honest about her opinions, knowledge, and feelings. And Hordak establishes time and time again that he hates dishonesty in his ranks (mostly because he’s not great at subterfuge and trickery himself) and gains valuable knowledge and self-worth from Entrapta’s genuine honesty. I may be forgetting something, but I’m pretty sure the one and only time Entrapta intentionally, consciously lies about something is that bit in System Failure where she find the lab and says “We’re here! Uh, I mean, of course we’re here, we were never lost.” Of course, just because she never even considers taking steps towards actual, conscious Villainy and Vengeance doesn’t mean we can’t think up AUs where she does go down that path a bit.  One concept that I’ve yet to make into a proper fic is an alternate ending to Season 5 in which she has a more active role in usurping Prime, fully disconnecting him from the other Clones before Hordak does the Darth Vader/Emperor reference, then taking over the Velvet Glove’s army of clones, droids, and drones in order to collect data on the flora, fauna, and magic of Etheria before expanding her DC Brainiac style "data collection” to the rest of the newly entered galaxy. 

anyway thanks for prompting and then coming to my Ted Talk

135 notes - Posted August 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

So, due to some unexpected yet welcome news presented during tonight’s Owl House charity stream, I made some edits of one particular shared Season 2b screencap. Enjoy, and use with credit! 

187 notes - Posted March 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[guthrie-odonto]

First off, I am utterly flattered. Really, when it comes to animated shows and theorizing…

Data point of two, but I’ve kinda had a bit of a record of taking a widely-spread theory and refining it in a way that’s shockingly accurate to what actually happened. Especially when it comes to creatures with scales for some reason.

Hold on just a moment

So we have these images revealed recently, yeah? With Luz’s staff having what I can only describe as “nebula on a stick”, yeah?

And there’s two images of it in that form in the forest outside of what I can assume is the Collector’s room. That might mean these scenes aren’t that far apart chronologically or the palisman “hatching” process takes a while once it actually starts to hatch, but…

What if Luz carving her palisman so she can “let it decide what it wants to be” resulted in her palisman being a shapeshifter, with this orb being the base (or initial) form? The ultimate symbol of unapologetically being whatever, whoever, your deepest heart says you are. It’d be the ultimate thesis statement of this series, even more so than “us freaks have to stick together”

Plus, there is just ALL of the evidence that Luz’s palisman is gonna be a snake, if not a winged snake, and… a shapeshifting snake that has a bond with Luz and her family? A shapeshifting snake that arguably has winglike appendages—maybe ears, for example?

Can’t say we’ve never seen that before.

[fortunetellersdilettante]

shmeti elich einim est kul mah shanny roea ani whati at hahava vahargash hachamim shlech, bli suf ani lo jechol lehtgbar elich hasharet bee at hothmoch ani whati at hahava vahargash hagevohyim shlech, bli suf cos at yilda theory wat gota at ze est matanhag kul sic shauna svivi cos at yilda theory wat gota at ze ani yodeia bluke mei est jechol weit rac thaziko middle, aneheno walking havita rac thaziko middle, aneheno walking havita kasha leavs at hadbarim halle lebed rac raga, aneheno walking havita, ho-ho-ho shmeti elich einim est kul mah shanny roea ani whati at hahava vahargash hachamim shlech, bli suf ani lo jechol lehtgbar elich hasharet bee at hothmoch ani whati at hahava vahargash hagevohyim shlech, bli suf cos at yilda theory wat gota at ze est matanhag kul sic shauna svivi cos at yilda theory wat gota at ze ani yodeia bluke mei est jechol weit ez rac thaziko middle, aneheno walking havita (walking havita) rac thaziko middle, aneheno walking havita (walking havita) kasha leavs at hadbarim halle lebed (dabrim lebed) rac thaziko middle, aneheno walking havita (walking havita) ho-oh-ho (goy

meri nazren tum par pad gayin tum sab kuchh ho jo main dekhta hoon main aapka garm pyar aur bhavana chahta hoon, antaheen main tum par nahi mil sakta aapne mujh par apni chhap chhodi main aapka uchch pyar aur bhavana chahta hoon, antaheen "kyonki tum ek achchhi ladki ho aur aap ise jante hain aap mere chaaron or bahut alag vyavahaar karte hain "kyonki tum ek achchhi ladki ho aur aap ise jante hain mujhe pata hai ki aap kaun ho sakte hain bas ruko, hum ghar ja rahe hain bas ruko, hum ghar ja rahe hain in chijon ko akele karna mushkil hai bas ruko, hum ghar ja rahe hain, ho-oh-oh meri nazren tum par pad gayin tum sab kuchh ho jo main dekhta hoon main aapka garm pyar aur bhavana chahta hoon, antaheen main tum par nahi mil sakta aapne mujh par apni chhap chhodi main aapka uchch pyar aur bhavana chahta hoon, antaheen "kyonki tum ek achchhi ladki ho aur aap ise jante hain aap mere chaaron or bahut alag vyavahaar karte hain "kyonki tum ek achchhi ladki ho aur aap ise jante hain mujhe pata hai ki aap kaun ho sakte hain to bas ruko, hum ghar ja rahe hain (ghar ja rahe hain) bas ruko, hum ghar ja rahe hain (ghar ja rahe hain) in chijon ko akele karna mushkil hai (akele chijen) bas ruko, hum ghar ja rahe hain (ghar ja rahe hain) ho-oh-oh (goi

Rád szegeztem a szemem Te vagy minden, amit látok Végtelen mértékben akarom forró szeretetedet és érzelmeidet Nem tudok túljutni rajtad Nyomot hagytál rajtam Végtelen szeretetedet és érzelmeidet akarom Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Annyira másképp viselkedsz körülöttem Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Pontosan tudom, ki lehetsz Csak várj, hazamegyünk Csak várj, hazamegyünk Nehéz ezeket a dolgokat egyedül megtenni Csak várj, hazamegyünk, ho-oh-oh Rád szegeztem a szemem Te vagy minden, amit látok Végtelen mértékben akarom forró szeretetedet és érzelmeidet Nem tudok túljutni rajtad Nyomot hagytál rajtam Végtelen szeretetedet és érzelmeidet akarom Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Annyira másképp viselkedsz körülöttem Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Pontosan tudom, ki lehetsz Szóval csak kapaszkodj meg, hazamegyünk (hazamegyünk) Csak kapaszkodj meg, hazamegyünk (hazamegyünk) Nehéz ezeket a dolgokat egyedül megtenni (egyedül a dolgokat) Csak kapaszkodj meg, hazamegyünk (hazamegyünk) Ho-oh-oh (goi

Kuv tau txais kuv ob lub qhov muag rau koj Koj nyob nraum txhua yam uas kuv pom Kuv xav kom koj kub hlub thiab tig tau, endlessly Kuv tsis tau hla koj Koj tshuav koj kos rau kuv Kuv xav kom koj hlub thiab tig tau, endlessly ' Ua rau koj nyob nraum ib tug hluas nkauj zoo thiab koj paub nws Koj ua li ntawd txawv ib ncig kuv ' Ua rau koj nyob nraum ib tug hluas nkauj zoo thiab koj paub nws Kuv paub xyov uas koj yuav tau Cia li tuav rau, peb yuav mus tsev Cia li tuav rau, peb yuav mus tsev Nws yog ib qho nyuaj ua tej no ib leeg kheej Cia li tuav rau, peb mus tsev, ho-oh-oh Kuv tau txais kuv ob lub qhov muag rau koj Koj nyob nraum txhua yam uas kuv pom Kuv xav kom koj kub hlub thiab tig tau, endlessly Kuv tsis tau hla koj Koj tshuav koj kos rau kuv Kuv xav kom koj hlub thiab tig tau, endlessly ' Ua rau koj nyob nraum ib tug hluas nkauj zoo thiab koj paub nws Koj ua li ntawd txawv ib ncig kuv ' Ua rau koj nyob nraum ib tug hluas nkauj zoo thiab koj paub nws Kuv paub xyov uas koj yuav tau Li ntawd, cia li tuav rau, peb yuav mus tsev (mus tsev) Cia li tuav rau, peb yuav mus tsev (mus tsev) Nws yog ib qho nyuaj ua tej no ib leeg (tej yam ib leeg) Cia li tuav rau, peb yuav mus tsev (mus tsev) Ho-oh-oh (goi

मेरी नजरें तुम पर पड़ गईं तुम सब कुछ हो जो मैं देखता हूं मैं आपका गर्म प्यार और भावना चाहता हूं, अंतहीन मैं तुम पर नहीं मिल सकता आपने मु��� पर अपनी छाप छोड़ी मैं आपका उच्च प्यार और भावना चाहता हूं, अंतहीन "क्योंकि तुम एक अच्छी लड़की हो और आप इसे जानते हैं आप मेरे चारों ओर बहुत अलग व्यवहार करते हैं "क्योंकि तुम एक अच्छी लड़की हो और आप इसे जानते हैं मुझे पता है कि आप कौन हो सकते हैं बस रुको, हम घर जा रहे हैं बस रुको, हम घर जा रहे हैं इन चीजों को अकेले करना मुश्किल है बस रुको, हम घर जा रहे हैं, हो-ओह-ओह मेरी नजरें तुम पर पड़ गईं तुम सब कुछ हो जो मैं देखता हूं मैं आपका गर्म प्यार और भावना चाहता हूं, अंतहीन मैं तुम पर नहीं मिल सकता आपने मुझ पर अपनी छाप छोड़ी मैं आपका उच्च प्यार और भावना चाहता हूं, अंतहीन "क्योंकि तुम एक अच्छी लड़की हो और आप इसे जानते हैं आप मेरे चारों ओर बहुत अलग व्यवहार करते हैं "क्योंकि तुम एक अच्छी लड़की हो और आप इसे जानते हैं मुझे पता है कि आप कौन हो सकते हैं तो बस रुको, हम घर जा रहे हैं (घर जा रहे हैं) बस रुको, हम घर जा रहे हैं (घर जा रहे हैं) इन चीजों को अकेले करना मुश्किल है (अकेले चीजें) बस रुको, हम घर जा रहे हैं (घर जा रहे हैं) हो-ओह-ओह (गोई

שמתי עלייך עיניים אתה כל מה שאני רואה אני רוצה את האהבה והרגש החמים שלך, בלי סוף אני לא יכול להתגבר עליך השארת בי את חותמך אני רוצה את האהבה והרגש הגבוהים שלך, בלי סוף כי את ילדה טובה ואת יודעת את זה אתה מתנהג כל כך שונה סביבי כי את ילדה טובה ואת יודעת את זה אני יודע בדיוק מי אתה יכול להיות רק תחזיקו מעמד, אנחנו הולכים הביתה רק תחזיקו מעמד, אנחנו הולכים הביתה קשה לעשות את הדברים האלה לבד רק רגע, אנחנו הולכים הביתה, הו-הו-הו שמתי עלייך עיניים אתה כל מה שאני רואה אני רוצה את האהבה והרגש החמים שלך, בלי סוף אני לא יכול להתגבר עליך השארת בי את חותמך אני רוצה את האהבה והרגש הגבוהים שלך, בלי סוף כי את ילדה טובה ואת יודעת את זה אתה מתנהג כל כך שונה סביבי כי את ילדה טובה ואת יודעת את זה אני יודע בדיוק מי אתה יכול להיות אז רק תחזיקו מעמד, אנחנו הולכים הביתה (הולכים הביתה) רק תחזיקו מעמד, אנחנו הולכים הביתה (הולכים הביתה) קשה לעשות את הדברים האלה לבד (דברים לבד) רק תחזיקו מעמד, אנחנו הולכים הביתה (הולכים הביתה) הו-או-הו (גוי

Iiga iiga Tamaita takuvaktatin Piumayunga uunaqtunik piqpagiyangnik mihingnautingniklu, taimaaqhimaitumik An'ngilimaittunga Qimaktatit naunaitkutit uvamnun Piumayunga anginirmik piqpagiyangnik mihingnautingniklu, taimaaqtitkaluaqtiluni 'Nakuuyuq angnaq ilihimayat ilihimayat Huliyutit taimaali aalangayutit avatimnun 'Nakuuyuq angnaq ilihimayat ilihimayat Ilihimayunga kinauyaakharnik Tigumilugu, aihimaniaqtugut Tigumilugu, aihimaniaqtugut Ayungnaqtuq taimailiuriami hapkuat avaliittumik Aninahuaqhuta, aihimaniaqtugut, ho-oh-oh Iiga iiga Tamaita takuvaktatin Piumayunga uunaqtunik piqpagiyangnik mihingnautingniklu, taimaaqhimaitumik An'ngilimaittunga Qimaktatit naunaitkutit uvamnun Piumayunga anginirmik piqpagiyangnik mihingnautingniklu, taimaaqtitkaluaqtiluni 'Nakuuyuq angnaq ilihimayat ilihimayat Huliyutit taimaali aalangayutit avatimnun 'Nakuuyuq angnaq ilihimayat ilihimayat Ilihimayunga kinauyaakharnik Tigumiinnaqluta, aihimaniaqtugut (aihimaluta) Tigumilugu, aihimaniaqtugut (aihimaluta) Ayungnaqtuq taimailiuriami hapkuat avaliittumik (avaliittumik) Tigumilugu, aihimaniaqtugut (aihimaluta) Ho-oh-oh (goi

Aku memperhatikanmu Kamu adalah segalanya yang aku lihat Aku ingin cinta dan emosimu yang panas, tanpa henti Aku tidak bisa melupakanmu Kamu meninggalkan jejakmu padaku Aku ingin cinta dan emosimu yang tinggi, tanpa henti Karena kamu gadis yang baik dan kamu tahu itu Kamu bertindak sangat berbeda di sekitarku Karena kamu gadis yang baik dan kamu tahu itu Saya tahu persis siapa Anda Tunggu saja, kita akan pulang Tunggu saja, kita akan pulang Sulit untuk melakukan hal-hal ini sendirian Tunggu saja, kita akan pulang, ho-oh-oh Aku memperhatikanmu Kamu adalah segalanya yang aku lihat Aku ingin cinta dan emosimu yang panas, tanpa henti Aku tidak bisa melupakanmu Kamu meninggalkan jejakmu padaku Aku ingin cinta dan emosimu yang tinggi, tanpa henti Karena kamu gadis yang baik dan kamu tahu itu Kamu bertindak sangat berbeda di sekitarku Karena kamu gadis yang baik dan kamu tahu itu Saya tahu persis siapa Anda Jadi tunggu saja, kita akan pulang (pulang) Tunggu saja, kita akan pulang (pulang) Sulit untuk melakukan hal-hal ini sendirian (hal-hal sendiri) Tunggu saja, kita akan pulang (pulang) Ho-oh-oh (goi

Enwere m anya m n'ebe ị nọ. Ị bụ ihe niile m na-ahụ. Achọrọ m ịhụnanya na mmetụta gị na-ekpo ọkụ, na-adịghị agwụ agwụ Enweghị m ike ịgafe gị. Ị hapụrụ akara gị n'elu m Achọrọ m ịhụnanya gị dị elu na mmetụta uche gị, na-enweghị njedebe 'N'ihi na ị bụ ezigbo nwa agbọghọ na ị maara ya Ị na-eme ihe dị iche na gburugburu m 'N'ihi na ị bụ ezigbo nwa agbọghọ na ị maara ya Amaara m kpọmkwem onye ị nwere ike ịbụ. Naanị jide, anyị na-aga n'ụlọ. Naanị jide, anyị na-aga n'ụlọ. O siri ike ime ihe ndị a naanị ya. Naanị jide, anyị na-aga n'ụlọ, ho-oh-oh Enwere m anya m n'ebe ị nọ. Ị bụ ihe niile m na-ahụ. Achọrọ m ịhụnanya na mmetụta gị na-ekpo ọkụ, na-adịghị agwụ agwụ Enweghị m ike ịgafe gị. Ị hapụrụ akara gị n'elu m Achọrọ m ịhụnanya gị dị elu na mmetụta uche gị, na-enweghị njedebe 'N'ihi na ị bụ ezigbo nwa agbọghọ na ị maara ya Ị na-eme ihe dị iche na gburugburu m 'N'ihi na ị bụ ezigbo nwa agbọghọ na ị maara ya Amaara m kpọmkwem onye ị nwere ike ịbụ. Ya mere naanị jide, anyị na-aga n'ụlọ (na-aga n'ụlọ) Naanị jide, anyị na-aga n'ụlọ (na-aga n'ụlọ) O siri ike ime ihe ndị a naanị (ihe naanị) Naanị jide, anyị na-aga n'ụlọ (na-aga n'ụlọ) Ho-oh-oh (goi

Ég hef augun á þér Þú ert allt sem ég sé Ég vil heita ást þína og tilfinningar, endalaust Ég kemst ekki yfir þig Þú settir mark þitt á mig Ég vil mikla ást þína og tilfinningar, endalaust Af því að þú ert góð stelpa og þú veist það Þú hagar þér svo öðruvísi í kringum mig Af því að þú ert góð stelpa og þú veist það Ég veit nákvæmlega hver þú gætir verið Bíddu bara, við förum heim Bíddu bara, við förum heim Það er erfitt að gera þessa hluti einn Bíddu bara, við förum heim, hó-ó-ó Ég hef augun á þér Þú ert allt sem ég sé Ég vil heita ást þína og tilfinningar, endalaust Ég kemst ekki yfir þig Þú settir mark þitt á mig Ég vil mikla ást þína og tilfinningar, endalaust Af því að þú ert góð stelpa og þú veist það Þú hagar þér svo öðruvísi í kringum mig Af því að þú ert góð stelpa og þú veist það Ég veit nákvæmlega hver þú gætir verið Svo bíddu bara, við erum að fara heim (fara heim) Bíddu bara, við erum að fara heim (fara heim) Það er erfitt að gera þessa hluti einn (hlutirnir einir) Bíddu bara, við erum að fara heim (fara heim) Ho-oh-oh (goi

Rád szegeztem a szemem Te vagy minden, amit látok Végtelen mértékben akarom forró szeretetedet és érzelmeidet Nem tudok túljutni rajtad Nyomot hagytál rajtam Végtelen szeretetedet és érzelmeidet akarom Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Annyira másképp viselkedsz körülöttem Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Pontosan tudom, ki lehetsz Csak várj, hazamegyünk Csak várj, hazamegyünk Nehéz ezeket a dolgokat egyedül megtenni Csak várj, hazamegyünk, ho-oh-oh Rád szegeztem a szemem Te vagy minden, amit látok Végtelen mértékben akarom forró szeretetedet és érzelmeidet Nem tudok túljutni rajtad Nyomot hagytál rajtam Végtelen szeretetedet és érzelmeidet akarom Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Annyira másképp viselkedsz körülöttem Mert jó kislány vagy, és ezt te is tudod Pontosan tudom, ki lehetsz Szóval csak kapaszkodj meg, hazamegyünk (hazamegyünk) Csak kapaszkodj meg, hazamegyünk (hazamegyünk) Nehéz ezeket a dolgokat egyedül megtenni (egyedül a dolgokat) Csak kapaszkodj meg, hazamegyünk (hazamegyünk) Ho-oh-oh (goi

[peterpijls1965]

Bericht uit het beschermde huis (31)

5 Juli 2014

Ik heb een vriendin die out of the blue manisch of psychotisch kan worden. Ook beschikt ze over het talent om in een split second in een gemengde episode te schieten. Dan is ze niet alleen depressief en manisch tegelijk, maar ook nog eens acuut suïcidaal. Twee keer ging ze in zo’n bui op zoek naar een stuk touw, met het opgewekte voornemen zich op te hangen. Dat ging alleen maar niet door omdat ze betrapt werd. Vervolgens mocht ze in de isoleercel haar zonden overdenken.

Bij mij hebben de episodes een veel tragere aanloop, die weken of maanden kan duren. Dat verklaart volgens mij ook waarom ik pas op latere leeftijd een diagnose kreeg. Ik zag stemmingswisselingen lang als een fact of life, horend bij m’n temperament. In de wintermaanden dacht ik dat ik een winterdepressie had. ’s Zomers concludeerde ik hieperdepiep dat ik een zonnekind was. Nog niet eens zo’n slechte theorie achteraf, voor een amateur.

M’n eerste serieuze depressie kreeg ik in militaire dienst. Ik was een jaar lang niet vooruit te branden van melancholie, en blowde me iedere dag suf om het ongerief te bestrijden. Ik was weliswaar niet zo’n overtuigde militarist, maar ook geen pacifist. Dus ik deed geen moeite m’n dienstplicht te ontduiken. Dit in tegenstelling tot sommige vrienden, die geestelijke instabiliteit voorwendden, of fanatiek beleden homoseksualiteit, om zo de wapenrok te ontlopen.

Achteraf gezien denk ik dat die depressie me misschien wel geholpen heeft die vreemde militaire macho-cultuur te overleven. Ik hield me gedeisd, en liet het geblaf van onderofficieren en majoors gelaten over me heen komen. Vooral majoors waren enorme klootzakken. Luitenant-kolonels daarentegen waren juist zonder uitzondering fidele types. Rare jongens, die militairen.

Ondanks m’n belazerde stemming heb ik ook gelachen in het leger, vooral tijdens de militaire opleiding. Uiteraard leerden we stompzinnige zaken als marcheren en schuttersputjes graven. En op bivak moesten we met ons wapen (een semi-automatische FAL) slapen in de slaapzak. Maar eerst moesten we het wapen een meisjesnaam geven. In het leger hebben ze een haarfijne antenne voor het verband tussen dood en erotiek. Ik noemde mijn wapen Ineke, naar een ex-vriendinnetje, dat later met een beroemde televisiepresentator is getrouwd. Ik sliep best goed die nacht.

Ook in het leger leerde ik dat menselijke beschaving alleen maar een makkelijk te verwijderen dun vernislaagje is. En dat sadisme een algemeen voorkomende menselijke eigenschap is, vooral bij lompe onderofficieren met een paar strepen op de schouder. Tegen de Conventie van Geneve in leerden ze ons op bivak hoe we krijgsgevangenen moesten martelen. Bijvoorbeeld door een gepakte vijand met zijn handen tegen een boom te laten leunen, een FAL met bajonet staand onder zijn buik, en zijn voeten steeds verder naar achteren schoppend. Een dienstplichtig militair moest daarvoor model staan, gelukkig niet tot hij in de bajonet viel.

krijgsgevangenen sambal voeren was kennelijk ook een beproefde methode.

De onderofficier plaatste dus een FAL met bajonet onder zijn buik, en schopte de benen van de soldaat steeds een beetje verder naar achter. Zo konden we iedere krijgsgevangene aan het praten krijgen over de vijandelijke posities, was de moraal. En als de gevangene niet wilde praten, dan konden we altijd nog zijn benen helemaal onder hem vandaan schoppen, zodat hij in de bajonet viel. De onderofficier kwam niet bij van de pret.

Hij leerde ons ook nog dat krijgsgevangenen het niet fijn vinden als je ze dwingt een pot sambal te eten, om ze vervolgens een dag lang geen drinken te geven. Ook dat schijnt een probate manier te zijn om de vijand aan het praten te krijgen. Ik wilde het graag geloven.

M’n stemming werd er niet beter van. Ook omdat ik kennismaakte met het virulente racisme en seksisme in het leger. De Surinamer in ons peloton, Santiroma, kreeg er om zijn huidskleur ongenadig van langs. Ook de aanwezige vrouwelijke militaire Milva’s moesten het ontgelden, met de meest gore en liederlijke scheldwoorden die ik ooit voor vrouwen had gehoord. Uitgerekend de Surinamer

Santiroma en die meisjes-soldaten vielen door de mand toen we de gasbunker in werden gejaagd. Met het gasmasker in de hand moesten we in het donker wachten tot de onderofficieren traangasgranaten naar binnen gooiden. Toen ging de deur dicht en mochten we de gasmaskers opzetten. Alleen lukte het de domme neger Santiroma en die nog dommere vrouwen-soldaten niet het gasmasker goed op hun gezicht te plaatsen. Ik hoorde ze steeds harder hoesten, en dacht dat ze zouden stikken. Toen de deur van de bunker eindelijk weer open ging, en we naar buiten renden, zag ik wat ze verkeerd hadden gedaan: ze hadden het gasmasker ondersteboven op hun hoofd geplaatst. Terwijl de Surinamer Santiroma en de Milva’s stonden te kotsen, werden ze uitgelachen door de onderofficieren, en bedolven onder de meest vreselijke beledigingen.

Ik werd met de dag depressiever, ook omdat een van de onderofficieren me op de korrel had. Hij betrapte me in de slaapzaal terwijl ik De Volkskrant aan het lezen was. Dat werd in het leger als een semi-communistische overtreding gezien, want De Telegraaf is het huisorgaan van Defensie. Na iedere speedmars blafte de onderofficier me sindsdien in het gezicht waarom ik m’n kistjes niet goed gepoetst had. Als ik antwoordde dat schone kistjes na een speedmars van 5 kilometer door de modder een innerlijke tegenstrijdigheid waren, dreigde hij me met het cachot als ik nog eens zo brutaal durfde te zijn. Zo leerde ik dat sadistische onredelijkheid en verkeerd toegekend gezag een heel harmonieus huwelijk kunnen vormen.

Op de schietbaan kwam m’n wraak. Het hoogtepunt van de militaire opleiding was het leren bedienen van de UZI (een Israelische pistoolmitrailleur uitgevonden om Palestijnen van dichtbij omver te sproeien) en de eerdergenoemde semi-automatische FAL. Dat laatste wapen moesten we eindeloos in en uit elkaar zetten, en poetsen met een oliedoek. Uiteindelijk leerden we schieten met scherp. En de afsluiting van de opleiding, tevens het hoogtepunt, was een schietwedstrijd. Alle 45 jongens van het peloton moesten liggend op de buik 20 keer schieten op metalen poppen. Wie het vaakst raak schoot, kreeg een dag verlof. Ik achtte mezelf kansloos. Niet alleen had ik een lui oog; in mijn peloton zaten ook twee jongens die lid waren van een schietclub. Ze sloten alvast een weddenschap af wie van de twee zou winnen.

Maar tot m’n verbazing won ik. Van de 20 schoten knalde ik 17 keer raak. Ik weet nog precies hoe ik dat deed. Ik visualiseerde dat de metalen pop waar ik op schoot eigenlijk de onderofficier was die mij van semi-communistische sympathieën verdacht. Toen leerde ik dat effectief moorden alleen maar een kwestie is van geprojecteerde en geconcentreerde haat. Diezelfde onderofficier moest met enige tegenzin constateren dat ik de beste schutter van het peloton was. Ik, het linkse mietje dat zijn kistjes niet goed poetste.

Sindsdien droom ik nog altijd wel eens van een loopbaan als sniper in het leger. Het lijkt me wel wat, op een bergtop in Afghanistan liggen, met m’n Heckler & Koch Scharfschutzengewehr, wachtend tot ik een Taliban-mannetje in het vizier krijg. En me afvragend: schiet ik hem meteen door z’n hoofd, of knal ik er eerst een knieschijf van af, om vervolgens rustig na te denken over de locatie van het genadeschot? In het leger maken ze inderdaad een rechtschapen vent van je.

Na militaire dienst kreeg ik een baan bij een krant. Achteraf gezien was ik vervolgens jarenlang vrijwel non-stop hypomaan. Ik dacht alleen maar dat ik de tijd van m’n leven had, werkte 50 uur per week en haalde hele nachten door met veel bier en hasj.

Op m’n 27ste ging het voor het eerst echt mis. Ik was kort na het einde van de Bosnische burgeroorlog een week lang met een fotograaf op reportage geweest in de Krajina, waar de Kroatische bevolking etnisch was gezuiverd (of vermoord) door Bosnische moslim-milities. We reden door verlaten en kapotgeschoten dorpen, met veel kogelhulzen op straat, waar nog steeds een vage brandlucht hing. Ik vond het spooky. Maar de fotograaf, een wapenfreak, had de tijd van z’n leven, en zocht in verlaten huizen naar een Kalasjnikov. Die had hij thuis namelijk nog niet in zijn verzameling.

Na een week gepraat te hebben met moegemoorde militiemannetjes, nog steeds gehuld in camouflagepakken, en met die enge thousand-yard stare in hun ogen, reden we opgelucht naar huis, al had de fotograaf geen Kalasjnikov weten te scoren. Onderweg werd ik voor het eerst manisch. Ik weet nog dat ik in die auto urenlang keihard liedjes van Tori Amos heb zitten zingen, vraag me niet waarom. De fotograaf vond dat helemaal niet raar. Tijdens die week in oorlogsgebied hadden we elkaars latente krankzinnigheid al uitvoerig mogen verkennen.

Thuis aangekomen dronk ik een halve fles whisky leeg en rookte een paar joints om te ontspannen. Het hielp niet. Onder de douche kreeg ik een angstpsychose. Ik voelde koude windvlagen, en wist zeker dat de geesten van vermoorde Kroatiërs me achterna waren gekomen om wraak te nemen. Ik had in een van die kapotgeschoten dorpjes namelijk een paar familiefoto’s opgeraapt uit de modder, en meegenomen naar huis. Bevend van paranoia belde ik ’s nachts een vriend uit Zweden wakker, die me rustig praatte. Ik had geen flauw idee wat er aan de hand was en weet m’n psychische ontsporing aan de alcohol en de hasj, die de psychose natuurlijk best getriggerd konden hebben. De volgende dag ging ik gewoon naar m’n werk, en niet naar de dokter.

Ergens vermoedde ik in die jaren al dat er iets met me aan de hand was. Privé leefde ik bewust een teruggetrokken leven. Ik kocht een huis aan de rand van de stad, in de hoop en verwachting dat er weinig mensen langs zouden komen. Ik had goed gegokt. Urenlang schreef ik dagelijks in een dagboek om het raadsel van mijn bestaan te doorgronden. Vergeefs. Het was allemaal eenrichtingsverkeer en genavelstaar, al heb ik dat dagboek 30 jaar volgehouden. Ik leefde volgens een strikte persoonlijke erecode, die het me bijvoorbeeld verbood om met een vrouw samen te leven. Ik bedoel, ik had wel eens vriendinnen, maar zodra die te vaak wilden blijven logeren, over samenwonen begonnen of erger nog: over een kindje, rende ik gillend en zonder noemenswaardige opgaaf van reden bij ze weg. Ik deed ook verstandige dingen, bijvoorbeeld fanatiek hardlopen, wat er in die jaren beslist mede voor zorgde dat ik psychisch niet volkomen desintegreerde.

Toch belandde ik op m’n 29ste drie maanden depressief op de bank, om langdurig het schilderijtje aan de muur te observeren. Weer nam ik instinctief een goede beslissing: ik nam ontslag uit de soms gekmakende hectiek van de krantenredactie en ging freelancen. Maar eerst nam ik het vliegtuig naar Japan, waar ik op een ijskoude wintermiddag in Kyoto m’n ex-vrouw tegen het lijf liep. Ruim een jaar later was ik vader. We vertrokken naar Amsterdam. En daar, in die tegenwoordig zo opgefokte, cynische stad vol loslopende agressieve gekken, had ik in 2006 en 2007 maandenlang durende manische episodes, met alle bijbehorende vormen van ontremming. Dat ik toen nooit de politie aan de deur heb gehad, vind ik nog steeds een godswonder.

Het vergde nog een jaar en twee psychoses voor ik m’n koppigheid en trots opzij zette en naar de psychiater rende. Ik vermoedde toen al jaren dat ik manisch-depressief was. Voor m’n huwelijk was het te laat. Ik raakte aan de drank, verloor m’n werk, belandde in een echtscheiding en moest als toetje afscheid nemen van m’n onderbenen door bloedvatenvernauwing. Het bleek een keerpunt.

Nu ben ik al twee jaar stabiel en sta ik moeiteloos droog. Weliswaar ben ik hopeloos failliet, maar daar lach ik om. Ik laat namelijk niet na m’n financiële probleempjes af te zetten tegen de destructieve rollercoaster die m’n leven de afgelopen 25 jaar was. Want ik leefde principieel volgens de chaos-theorie, omdat ik dat vond horen bij m’n libertijns-anarchistische levensmoraal. Het kostte me net niet de kop. Dat ik nog leef, heb ik alleen maar te danken aan een morsig internet-dealertje, dat zo verstandig was me 3 jaar geleden niet de 200 slaappillen te leveren die ik bij hem besteld had.

Tegenwoordig doe ik mijn voordeel met de klassieke 3 r’s: rust, reinheid en regelmaat. Dat, in combinatie met wat zelfdiscipline en zelfbeheersing, verschaft me eindelijk de gemoedsrust die ik decennia vergeefs zocht.

Vanavond ga ik met m’n zoon naar Nederland-Costa Rica kijken. Volgende week word ik 49. Daarna gaat het leven uiteraard bergaf, maar dat kost minder moeite dan bergop. Eerlijk gezegd heb ik het gevoel dat ik gisteren geboren ben. Ik, een schele, koppige, gestoorde, drankzuchtige en uiteindelijk trefzekere scherpschutter.

[alfaisaledu]

Master of Clinical Psychology (MCP) | Graduate Program

The program emphasizes the integration of theory and practice, with a strong focus on clinical training and supervised practical experiences. Students have the opportunity to apply their knowledge and skills in real-world settings, such as hospitals, clinics, community mental health centers, and private practice settings. Under the supervision of experienced clinical psychologists, students engage in direct client contact, conducting assessments, formulating treatment plans, and delivering evidence-based interventions.

[michiganyass]

Is Sufjan Stevens a murderer ?

Sufjan ended his song about serial killer John Wayne Gacy Jr with the lyrics :

* *« And in my best behavior, I am really just like him. Look underneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid »*

We are all familiar with that, that's weird but there are interpretations.

That's not the only creepy song, tho :

* *« I want to kill him, I want to cut his brain. And when it’s over, I know I’ll feel OK »* (*Kill*, on *A Sun Came*)

Once again, there are trillions of possible ways to interpret this.

In *A good man is hard to find*, Sufjan refers the short story of the same name by Flannery O'Connor and writes :

* *« Twice when I killed them

They were once at peace

They were once like me »

« So I go to hell, I wait for it »*

(Maybe that's why he considers himself *In the Devil's territory*?)

He obviously adopts the point of view of a character (Misfit), but he is known for using metaphors to reflect himself (he does that often in Illinois).

But there is more in *The Age of Adz*, one of his most personal works.

* *« I’ll set it right between your eyes,

your shoulder blades, your running knife,

I want it all,

I want it all for myself »*

Once again, Suf adopts a point of view, the one of a man killing his lover; but again, this album is very personal and a reflection about his life.

* *« Sufjan, the panic inside, the murdering ghost that you cannot ignore »*

*Vesuvius* seems to describe a struggle about the murderer inside him.

He's got *« Blood on [his] sleeve »* : The song *Drawn to the blood* is probably [about an abusive male relationship](http://genius.com/Sufjan-stevens-drawn-to-the-blood-lyrics) which might have ended in the murder he talks about in *All for myself* (that would also settle the question of his sexuality)

To sum up, Suf was in an abusive relationship and murdered the guy; he "felt OK" right after it but guilty now (as if he was being dragged to hell) and still has murderous instincts (that would actually explain quite a lot...).

Now, I haven't slept in a long time, this is probably the dumbest theory I've ever seen (and I'm the one who wrote it) and these are just out-of-context lyrics, but Suf likes to write and think about himself, subtly dropping autobiographical elements here and there. Gotta admit he writes a lot about killing; I'm sure there are a lot of other songs in the same style (I'll edit if I can think of more). There's probably a lot to say about Impossible Soul, for exemple.

Remember : He's **NOT** fucking around