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pilatesnowuk · 8 months

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Pilates Now!

Website: https://www.pilatesnow.org/

Address: Virgin Active Chiswick Park, Building 3, 566 Chiswick High Rd, London W4 5YA, United Kingdom

Pilates Now! offers a unique blend of traditional and contemporary Pilates methods, ensuring a holistic approach to fitness and well-being. Located in London, our studio is equipped with state-of-the-art equipment and staffed by STOTT PILATES® certified instructors. We specialize in 1-to-1 sessions, small group classes, and online offerings, catering to a range of needs including pre and postnatal care, injury rehabilitation, and general fitness. Our classes are designed to improve posture, flexibility, and core strength, providing a balanced workout for both the body and mind.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pilatesnowlimited/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pilatesnow_limited

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angelfaceloublog-blog · 8 years

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13th February

After seeing Jack Whitehall last night, who was absolutely amazing coming home was not the best. Although without Imogen remaining in London and away from home would not have been so amazing. Was so nice to have had a day with Jason having fun and literally not worrying about a thing. Driving down rather than messing around getting the train was definitely a good idea to.

Had to go to therapy with Anne today as decided to skip it Friday as just do not feel am making any progress what so ever in terms of my eating disorder. Literally every day is binge purge. Yes great I now have my waking weight, at least for the last couple of weeks, at just below, literally just below, nine stone but should that really be what I am aiming for in life? What I see in the mirror should not be that important. I should not care what others think of me. I should be able to ignore or retrain that part of me that sees something hideous, something that others see and feel repulsed. I can’t really do much about what I have been given but I wish my mind would let me give it some respect.

I get so tearful, emotional and overwhelmed when I think about the impact I may be and probably am having on Imogen. What kind of good parent does that to a child? I like to think I am a good parent, I know I am in a number of ways as I have the most amazing daughter who is so perfect in so many ways. BUT what if everything she experiences because of my damn mental health is slowly having a detrimental affect on her. What if she is seeing everything I do to myself and thinking that in some way this behaviour and repeat occurrences are OK?

Addressed in therapy today and I guess is a main homework, other than my binge purging, is my self harm to my arms through scratching or letting thedog at them. Feel rather repulsed when I think about what I do but in the same breath rather accomplished and satisfied. I can’t describe why I have this satisfaction. I see the blood that I can tear out from where the cuts are healing and want to get more, want to open the wounds up further, make them bigger so more comes out. See what damage I can make occur, see how big they can become, see how much I can make them fill with pus like stuff under the scab so the scab is soft and I can burst it and inside congratulate myself a little. My mind is evidently twisted.

I then reflect back on yesterday and the fact yes I didn’t take my insulin I didn’t binge. The first day in blooming ages I did not binge. But was this because I was also drinking cocktails in the day and had a nap (probably due to high blood sugar following 2 Long Island Iced Teas and lunch). Was it the alcohol that stopped me feeling the need to find a way out of Jason’s company to binge?

Did probably the worst thing I could and googled Long Island Iced Teas. Turns out yes they are one of the most alcoholic cocktails available *yay* but also extremely high in calories. Hmmmm didn’t figure that. Feel disgusted in myself now for enjoying them so much. For goodness sake I had 2 with lunch and a bloody large one after dinner. Not sure why haven’t done the working before. Bearing in mind I can probably drink one regardless of size at the same speed as a normal vodka and diet coke which has around 60 calories, a Long Island Iced Tea has I think 4 types of alcohol and if those are around 60 each that is already 240 then I know I have diet coke and there is a lime wedge, supposedly, well on all the recipes I saw, there is other liquid that I think is rather high in sugar that is never mentioned in the cocktail menu. Most websites advised one cocktail was around 700 calories. Like WTF that is like a dinner, and although I know some of the salads I get in restaurants these days are definitely over this, that is a scary sounding number of calories for dinner yet I had atleast 3 standard size ones yesterday. With the size of them though I would probably think at least 4 of the so called standard size if not more.

Pilates practice this evening was also disappointing. Ruth is off for the week and so classes being covered by a cover teacher called Flavia. Lovely lady but Ruth as a STOTT pilates instructor is really good at queuing the breath so I know I am engaging the muscles at the best time for each movement and although I know my shoulders get tight, I feel it and at the end of the workout I feel good. This wasn’t the case today, I felt let down. The breathing I found unable to regulate in the exercises I wasn’t really familiar with. I was able to try the more tricky versions of each exercise but then was not sure when and where I was really meant to feel the engagement most. I tried to maintain the rule of exhale when moving but then in some moves there were a number of movements. Frustrating. Then also I have a thing about wording. Flavia uses the word Child Pose rather than Shell Stretch which makes me think she is more used to Yoga. She called what Ruth calls the Hip Roll, a Shoulder Stretch. When we do Shoulder stretch the pelvis is lifted straight from the floor to the diagonal, whereas the Hip Roll comes up to diagonal through unrolling every vertebrae in the spine. The class felt it had less work in it with not as much direction to ensure I was working correctly. Maybe Ruth is just an exception to a standard Pilates instructor and I just have to accept that? I am also going to try out a Pilates class at Dunstable Leisure centre on a day I do not have a class with Ruth or on a Tuesday morning perhaps when I don’t have a class until the evening with Ruth. I love how it makes me feel and am so glad I came across Ruth’s classes.

Looking forward to tomorrow, Kidstime children’s activity day in Flitwick (Street dancing and African drumming). Really hoping Imogen is able to engage and enjoy it. Am worried she will not want to take part in the dancing but have tried to emphasise it will be fun, it will most likely be a variety of activities to create a dance rather than a hardcore dance class. I offered to pick up Helen, Beth and Alex from Leighton Buzzard as I know she doesn’t drive, so will be nice if Imogen is able to begin the day with a bit of bonding with the girls making her more comfortable to join in the activities. Am really hoping Laura has been able to arrange transport as she is alright to chat to and will pass the day. I know she also gets on with Helen. Charlie would be good to have for the day also. Hoping Shelley and her children have decided to stop coming. So glad I made a comment on my form about their disruptive behaviour as Carly then spoke with Shelley at the end of the last Kidstime to pick up the fact her youngest 3 or is it 4 just do not seem to want to be their. They annoy the hell out of me as even when we were talking about rules and respecting others etc they just ignore it, they do not seem to see that everyone else is behaving in a totally different manner. I was shocked when I realised Imogen was the same age as one.

Now I am sat here not even writing on the 13th but at 3:15 on the 14th as if I wrote the above before bed yesterday. Guess until its actually getting up time this morning I can validate this being an entry for the 13th. Am wide awake and only got up to pee. Washing machine has just finished a whole cycle, one benefit of being awake, so I can take everything out. Yay more stuff to add to my growing ironing pile. Wonder if I can get away with emptying the tumble dryer upstairs and putting on the items that I will take from the washing machine. Know there are towels and our bedding, probably some underwear that can be tumbled to. Or would that be dancing with the devil and potentially waking Jason up?

I’m concerned now though that when I go back to bed and doze off that when my alarm goes off in a few hours, I am just going to be zonked, if that word can make sense). However, I am looking forward to breakfast, not because I am desperately hungry but just because I enjoy it and missed having it at the Premier Inn. If I had been on my own it would have been so easy to demolish so much at breakfast, cooked and continental. Would probably have stuck a purge in there and carried on. Just make sure I took in enough liquid wile eating to make it nice and easy to bring enough up to mean it was OK to take more in. Would have had a full full English, rather than being worried about taking too much and being concerned in myself about how much I was taking. I would like to try the pancakes toasted, not really with syrup but butter and Jam. I’d also like the crumpets OMG could just load a plate high. The pastries don’t really bother me, neither do the muffins or most of the cereal. The Granola I love but would have it with loads of milk rather than just enough. I hate this food obsession. I hate what I do with it. I hate that I love food. I like the flavours, the textures, the different combinations when put together. I get that feeling I am missing out unless I try everything, but ‘normal eaters’ do not have this silly compulsion. They make a decision as to what they are having, get it and eat it. If they are away at a hotel or on holiday, yes their choices may differ from their usual choice, but it is a one off and is not needing to have everything.

Bleh, think I have so much stuff swirling in my head but now am at the point whereby nothing can be articulated,I know I need to go back upstairs, I know I need to take the washing from the machine but really can’t be bothered to do it. I will but moving from the seated position I am in seems like a mammoth task. Quite happy with the comfy seated paralysis I kind of imagine I am in. Not moving anything other than my hands to type. My arms are even remaining balanced in one place on the edge of the laptop and I am feeling rather proud that alot of my typing is being done without the need to look at the keyboard. It must be so satisfying for authors to see their work in words being transcribed onto the screen in front of them. Brings a satisfaction that what is in the mind is being recorded and can be looked back through. For a novel or non-fiction book this is obviously 100% required. This journal, not so much, but knowing it is here to reflect back on is a positive in my mind. Just need to get into the hang of writing every day. Will or would help me alot in therapy as would actually remember days. Don’t really want to spurt on about eating behaviours but they are a key point in my therapy and journey I want to make to recovery so guessing they will have to have some input to entries. Maybe it will help me work out my thinking patterns that lead me to binge daily? Maybe then I will be able to make progress. Save my life and stop cutting the length of my life. I so much want to be OK, be healthy, have energy, have concentration, have the ability to be a proper adult, parent, employee, daughter, auntie etc etc. I want to one day and one day soon to own a property decorate and renovate the property so it is beautiful and full of good quality items rather than the thrown together crappy collection of furniture we have here. Like what Aileen and Dean have been able to do. Maybe one day these dreams, which are not ridiculous and too adventurous, will hopefully come true.

Night Night xx

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