#SOMEONE came to help me complete it :)
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I find it very realistic that Megumi wants to try to live for someone else again instead of for himself directly. I mean it. It will take him a long time to recover from what he has suffered, which was too much for a child (because he is still a child!!). At first I thought Megumi was going to pick himself up, but looking at it from another perspective and analyzing my own experience with mental health: it makes sense. Megumi needs help. And he will get it. Yuuji and his friends will teach him to live for himself. The ending of Megumi's character is a new beginning, unlike the others.
Btw, did y'all notice his scars are Sukuna's? The way i'd kms on the spot, poor boy :( he's going to live with the curse of remembering every time he looks on the mirror
#he's so precious#i missed him#so so much#he grew up in a negligent house just to be taken by a complete stranger who only cherised his powers#he lost yuuji which was the only thing he was probably egoistic about in his whole life and then when yuuji came back he was so relieved#he lost everyone again and was severely abused#how do ppl expect him to recover in five minutes?#seriously did ppl expect to get out of sukuna's body and see life is worth? of course not he needs help and he's getting it#:')#he will get better thanks to his friends and grow#to deal with someone like Megumi you need to be very understanding#like yuuji is#btw if you see someone struggling with mental health please be this patient#thanks to the people who picked me up and understood me when i was at my lowest#jujutsu kaisen#@meyers#megumi fushiguro#itadori yuuji#itafushi#jjk 268#jjk leaks#jjk spoilers
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Just reading some comics and saw a panel I thought you might like. :)
ah fuck, characters reminiscing always get to me ;__;
but i will never ever get over that fond way these two talk to and abt each other. especially when theyāre poking fun, you can just hear the love in their voice itās SICK.
the halbarry love language is annoying each other, but even more than that, itās being each otherās exceptions
#panels#sent to me#halbarry#hal jordan#green lantern#barry allen#the flash#dc#danswers#the halbarry love language/exceptions thing btw is a whole thesis i have in my brain#their love language incompatibilities; their willingness to compromise and make it work; the way theyāve never had a friend like this#hal esp is almost like a completely different person around barry. like heās still Hal ofc but itās obvious that heās never navigated a#relationship like this before. yes iām talking abt āwhat do you guys see in each other?ā / āykā¦ i have no idea! āŗļøā#hal is so aro-coded for someone i donāt hc as aromantic. and thatās only bc barry came along (another whole thesis oā mineā¦)#god literally the rare exceptions to each other#been thinking abt writing a halbarry fic abt their love languages (5 chapters 1 love language for each)#not rly sure what thatād even be abt but i do think abt this often so maybe writing smith would help me process/explore/share my analysis +#interpretations of how that works between them#idk iām not a writer weāll just have to see
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the thing about barton and his own 'foil' as she should technically be considered, as she is technically the complete opposite of him in every way that matters, is that sumire [ whom i have talked about a few times on here, albeit briefly, so i will give you a brief refresher on her and that is that... her character eventually commits these killings based on the twelve main tarot cards in a deck based on them not fitting her idea of what 'perfect' looks like (kind of like barton BUT much different at the same time) ] and barton used to know each other as they were best friends as kids ā even if it was only for a few years.
and as strange as this may sound, a broken promise between them was partially the catalyst behind what started her descent into feeling this need to 'judge' people, which is quite the coincidence as it may seem. because where do most of her victims end up dying? in these settings where she has set up these 'mock trials' for people. so, i know that i said i would talk about how barton had inadvertently created a monster a longgg time ago, but i now am sharing it with you all. because although one cannot blame barton fully for her actions as sumire, of course, has to take responsibility for them herself; but this did play a part in being a catalyst for her feeling all of this resentment and hatred for the world / people around her that led up to her first murder.
which, as you might have it, was the chariot: a tarot card that symbolizes revenge, willpower, and essentially tries to subconsciously put off this message that you are moving in the 'right direction.' i don't think it's so much just the promise itself though that makes this important ā it's also that barton himself essentially forgot about the promise he made to sumire, as terrible as that may sound. it actually kind of gives you more insight as to what was going on in barton's mind as a kid because he basically made sumire promise him this: that, if he ever got on the 'wrong path,' that sumire would be there to show him a better one. and that she would attempt to reconnect with him if they ever got separated somehow / give him a sign of some kind that she was still there, so he could meet her.
and i say that this provides more insight because i haven't really gone into depth about this, but barton has expressed this idea in one roleplay on here. + that is that he didn't want to end up like this. however, regardless of that statement, there is no washing away of all of the heinous things he's done and he chose to do them anyway. i'm just thinking about how messed up it is that sumire, up until the point where she started her murders, had casually been searching for barton because the way in which his victims were found was vaguely remiscent of the way that wesley used to kill his victims. + this meant that he was definitely on the wrong path and she would eventually end up on the wrong one too.
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#ooc post.#AHH... nothing like a little silent hill music to get the creative juices flowing y'all / hj JSJSJ no but it is has been surprising helpful#in helping me come up with more details about what the context was behind this promise that barton made to sumire and why-#she was looking for him in the first place / started these murders in the first place for whatever reason (': i guess BC the music does#give off a unique sort of melancholy and making up more aspects of sumire's character makes me feel a bit like that because-#oh my gosh... is it kind of painful to think about someone remembering they made a promise with another as a kid but the other person-#completely forgetting about this promise in all of the darkness that consumed their life. and i'm not trying to be cheesy by saying-#that i just literally have no other way to say it than that barton literally got completely consumed by his blood-thirst / this twisted#urge he possessed in which he wanted to basically exercise his control over other people like wesley had done to his own victims and it's#like it all came full-circle sadly and i say 'sadly' BC even now the last thing that barton wants to be is like his father#but the family resemblance is unfortunately kind of there regardless and sumire's own father was a monster NGL so it's like#OMG. ladies gents and non-binary pals we are not getting out of this one without feeling a lot of complex emotions jsjsj#tw: mentions of murder#tw: mentions of violence#tw: mentions of toxic family dynamics.
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im so so tired jsjdhbj an engineering employers panel just scared me half to death with their startups and innovation and investment and passion commitment linkedin networking etc etc etc i hate it here
#i can't do it#this kind of thing is not meant for people like me#i came here and suffered through it to get myself some niche skills so that the kind of person i am doesn't matter#but i attend an employers panel and they're saying that they don't want your skills#they want you as a person#you need to be networking and making connections within the industry and building soft skills AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i can't do this i'm genuinely too disabled#should have been a vet fr#i don't want to move to cambridge and work in startups until i decide to do a phd and go straight back to [current redacted uni] i canttt#need to get a job and then find something to live for but unfortunately for me#those two things are separate#yet i'm in the field of people who act like they're not#ksjhgdcksjd i don't understand why it can't be about the work#and why it has to be about me#times like this when i want someone to take charge of my life entirely. which is a really bad thing to want#but at the same time i can't deal with it alone#and that's what i am right now !!#tangent on this rant but my dad should theoretically be great to have around to help since he's also an engineer#should be great in general tbh. i have a dad isn't that cool#but he doesn't really love me#and hasn't for a long time#yet i am completely reliant on him#and if anything goes wrong - which it easily could in my current state - my mum can't support me#hgjvsfdtycu;ioakljshdgvfctjyulaisdkjchg that's enough of that sorry#what a shit day#started so nice and went down like a lead balloon
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you ever write up a combination of words you're really proud of at the time bc you think it's vivid but it's actually so atrocious that you remember it eight years later bc it's burned itself into your long-term memory? just me?
#i'm literally laughing my entire ass off rn. i can't believe i found this fic i wrote at 15 and orphaned when i came to my senses abt both#my complete inability and total aversion to writing first person as well as the fact that the english language should never have been#subjected to its words being done dirty like this š#also i straight up fucking LIED in the authors note??? i said i'd broken my knee as a kid which is categorically false. i fell down some#stairs and banged it up and it's a tiny bit weak ig but i didn't break it? all any teens born after y2k know is eat hot chip and lie...#still not over the first line... the flip flop bit i remembered but i'd COMPLETELY forgotten 'a shriek seeped out of my throat'. girl. what.#how does a shriek seep exactly? the world may never know...#and the use of 'groped' is also sending me š AND 'crash bash whump thump' girlllll send help holy shit i can't stop coughing & laughing#the rest of the fic isn't quite this bad but it's very purple yet ineloquent and rough. it's a good reminder of how much i've improved and#honestly i'd rather read this utterly amature fic bc it's at least charming in its lack of skill rather than infuriating like some of my#oneshots that are still on my page bc they're more comprehensible but just bad enough to make me cringe. getting mad at this oneshot would#be like getting bad at a kid's stick figure drawing. like. it's just kinda cute to see someone starting out on their creative journey#my old sw oneshots on the other hand are like the awkward growing pains of puberty. you just can't help but wince at the reminder#this is okay to reblog btw bc it's objectively hilarious and i don't mind ppl finding humor in it#len speaks
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Absolutely love your art. I want to nom it.
Also, Hollow Heads Siblings my beloveds,,,
Theyre the doomed siblings ever its not even funny
#Oouugh i have thoughts abt the hollowhead siblings. How theyre so intricately tied to eachother since their birth but they'd be#Eachother'd downfall. Esp when it's Dark and his relationship with the others#Dark would never understand what chosen went through. Mainly bc i think chosen is used to fighting his internal battles on his own#While he was in captive as an ad blocker. He loves Dark. He's grateful for Dark bc without him he wouldn't be free#But Dark isnt exactly someone reliable enough for Chosen to get the necessary healing he wants and needs#But that won't stop Dark from trying to fix him. Creates the virus for revenge. As chosen watches his brother spiral and spiral#As he watches him drift further away. Unable to get him back without a shouting match. As he watches with his heart heavy and cracked at-#Their stiffed interactions and strained relationship. He can't remember a time where they shared geniune laughs.#Then tsc coming came and changed everything.#Because this is someone who went through Chosen's pain albeit a lil differently. Someone who knows. Someone who /understands/. And this-#Someone is so much more younger than them and had to go through that pain in such a short amount of time since their birth#He sees himself in them. And he's rather walk up to alan demanding to get his hands cuffed than let tsc fester in that pain.#So tsc became chosen's priority. Healed eachother in many ways than one and are at echother's beck and call if need be.#As for Dark. I think he'd manipulate tsc into using him for his revenge. After stalking out his code and finding out about his potential#And TSC cant help but fall for his manipulations. Since this person is very very important to Chosen and they want so badly to impress-#Them both. They agreed and overtime grew to love eachother. And overtime Dark shifted his goals just a tad bit. Getting TSC more and more-#Involved. Since hey if Chosen doesn't like touching alan with a 10 ft pole why not let this kid do. And TCS agrees to this thinking that-#This is it. This is can finally heal them completely. Finally out of sight and out of mind. Finally can't live without the pain lingering#And chosen watches them with a sense of deja vu. At loss at what to do and so so afraid to lose two of his lil siblings#Then shit hits the brick UBSJDBSJSN#They make me so ill im not even kidding when i said theyre so so very very doomed!!!!!!!!!#This is abt the au btw BAHHAHAHABHA
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. Itās like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure canāt live alone, and I know at least when Iām sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then thereās Iām likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere thatās looking for roommates and it isnāt terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (thatās remote so Iād love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then Iām stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that donāt want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and Iām not sure if thatās a feasible thing for my future. Iām a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#ā¦ vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but Iāve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like thatās not happening this friendgroup isnāt sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and itās a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college Iāll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlierā¦ Iām planning on studying abroad next semester (thatās the application Iām procras#inating rn lol) and Iāll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess thatāll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I wonāt let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesnāt help but still.#wellā¦ actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different wayā¦ itās gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then itās a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I canāt hold a conversation for the life of me#and now thereās. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (ā¦ sure) that thatās gonna go the same way. and Iām not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think itāll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and itās proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#ā¦ okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#ā¦ I need to go to sleep itās late Iām sure thatās why all these feelings are being brought upā¦ āIām fineā as great role model siffrin says#ā¦ but it doesnāt feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that Iām actually a note in someoneās story#I know it logically everyone Iāve ever known is part of me but itās so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay Iām gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but thatās not a good idea I donāt think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. Iām great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#ā¦ this wasnāt supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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Turkey day 2023 in the books. Cooked it all. Will clean it all tomorrow š“ now is for zoning out in bed on tumblr with the kitties
#my body *hurts* but lol I did it!!!! I cooked everything! my mom helped me out a bit! I didn't freak out ONCE!#NOT ONCE! NOT ONE SINGLE TIME AT ALL ALL DAY I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD AND HAPPY AND NEVER FELT LIKE I WANTED TO STRESS CRY OR LIE IN THE STREET#I EVEN TOLD MY MOM I WAS ON MEDS AND SHE WAS LIKE OH WELL IF THEY WORK I'M HAPPY FOR YOU!!!#santino even came out and hung out! he stole a hunk of turkey someone dropped and ate cool whip off my mom's finger lol#felix however did not š still working on him lol#but omg it was so nice! I didn't feel completely overwhelmed and awful and shitty#cooked SO MUCH FOOD oh my god but I didn't freak! not once!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THESE MEDS BRO LOL#no fighting! no freak outs! no crying! good day! fun day!#I even got myself a copy of the sims game I wanted cause it's on black friday sale!#but I'm too tired to even play it tonight so TOMORROW lol!!!!#erin explains it all
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i just realized y'all don't know me well enough to know my habit of taking extensive notes for anything i read/watch and making custom excel spreadsheets for funsies
#if i was 12 id be filling up journals but im an adult so now i have...i have so many Documents...Help...#as an example: before TCF had an Official Map. i reread the whole thing in order to take EXTENSIVE notes on geography#(both large scale and local)#and was going to make a map myself#i had a (very. VERY.) rough draft for the map itself that i lost when i restarted/cleaned up my computer last year#but i remember the official map came out before i could complete mine and i was RIGHT ABOUT LIKE. LITERALLY ALL OF IT#(and also spotted a typo or mistranslation because of it im pretty sure. they put southwest when they meant southeast for something)#another example is the 400 page joongdok google doc#also my custom auto calculating ttrpg character sheets#my extensive minecraft storage system spreadsheets#i have docs that are jsut stream of consciousness that i word vomit into as i read then go back and organize afterwards#etc#i also keep docs for loved ones and what they like/dont like/etc#(ive mentioned before but i have very bad memory so keeping records is how i show i care about someone/thing)#anyways me [handshake] kdj: filling up pages upon pages analyzing and speculating on our favorite things#beso babbles
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Per your post about Gale, I think it boils down to the fact that Liam Hemsworth is charmless. I remember that during the first Hunger Games movie era a lot of people really did like Gale and wanted to see him with Katniss, this was also right after Liam and Miley got engaged. But then they had broke up and a lot of people blamed Liam for Miley's "spiral" in 2013/2014 and the release of Wrecking Ball and all of this coinciding with the release of the remaining movies, his reputation never quite recovered so no one really had sympathy for Gale because he had the face of the guy that seemingly destroyed America's sweetheart. Not to mention this was also the height of Chris Hemsworth's career and between Liam and Chris, Chris is just more attractive and charming and Liam just looked like a dude struggling and failing to get out of his much more talented older brother's shadow, like a nepotism baby almost (even though Liam was the first of the two to really be "famous" because of his relationship to Miley.)
This makes a lot of sense, actually, the drama with Miley definitely didn't help and he really doesn't have Chris' charm (or talent) so things never looked good for him. I think there's also the way that even during the hunger games promo, Josh was such a compelling presence that his charm completely eclipsed Liam too. There was nothing trying to make us go for Gale. Not in the series or with Liam. I think you're right, he wasn't an appealing person, no matter how objectively hot he is, and things kept stacking against him.
#i completely forgot that thor came out around the same time#liam never really managed to move past the 'thors brother' and 'mileys ex' labels#that definitely doesn't help him#but i think it does create an interesting discussion because a lot of characters get a pass because they're played by someone hot#and gale is no where near being the worst character but people don't give him an inch of slack#dude is out there getting away with nothing#and that fascinates me with the coryo discussion and the way people are willing to let Snow get away with everything#just because of Tom Blyth and the fact that hes hot#but i guess thing is that yes hes pretty#but the point is that he's charming#and Liam was never considered charming#you need to be charming to get people rooting for you#this makes a lot of sense#thg#i really need a tag for asks
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hey girl is it normal to constantly feel like a lost child watching all these adults walk past and waiting for one of them to take your hand so you can just go home but instead none of them can see you even when you start screaming and you just always want to go home even when you are home and you always feel so guilty and scared and like ur walking on eggshells with yourself and everything is always so fragile like when ur little and ur favourite teacher yells at you for the first time and every time someone touches you or looks at you and actually sees you it feels like you are going to shatter or something. let me know girl haha
#WHATS WRONG WITH ME. why do i always feel so scared and sick and guilty like i always need to take a shower#why do i feel like a complete child like i have no clue whatās going on or what to do and no one is helping me or cares#when i see anything that reminds me of being a kid or my mum or my childhood home or my brother i feel so sad it makes me sick#last night i saw a video abt kids shows from when i was little and this theme song from a show i used to watch came on#and i cried so hard i threw up and i couldnāt breathe and i felt like i had to barricade my door bc someone was coming to do sth to me#i feel like i donāt exist. like regardless of how i present every time i look at myself itās like that is not real idk who that is#i donāt know what i like or what i want or what i sound like or look like#when someone likes me itās like what do you like ?? thereās nothing there
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...
#and so i came back here. because in here i can find joy and sorrow. laugh a little and cry a lot because someone made a post i resonate with#it makes me feels understood. a private and intimate place that is also shared at the same time. and strangely; like a home#but i came back without knowing who i am. I see someone else in the mirror. Is that a monster? a sinner? a human? a normal man?#after all that effort leaving depression and self hate from my adolescence behind. from being proud of myself for being different to all me#was all a lie? how could i do such awful and terrible thing to the person i swore to protect? the person i love the most#i said i would never do that kind of unforgivable act. And here i am. Alive after the event. I want to drop dead. To dissapear from here.#But at the same time i want to fix what i did. in order to do that i need to heal. to change. be happy. to live. and i hate it#how can i do all of that with the weight of guilt crushing me and telling me i killed myself that day? i am just a shell of who i was#how to change what i thought was the best version of me? i was supposed to be different no harmful and kind man!!!#i already asked for help. and they told me it was not all my fault. But i still think it is. There is no way it can be 50/50#physical actions are only responsibility of the ones who made it. circumstances are not a reason to diminish them guilt#a confused person is not deserving of any part of the guilt. they do not have control over themselves. but the other ones sure have it#yes. they might have started and added little physical actions. but i refused and it never came to completion. which is the opposite of min#physical trauma can spawn emotional and mental trauma as well. is way more bad and deep that the emotional one i might have#i want to kill that trash in front of the mirror. why are you still living bitch? just to be a parasite and hurt people on the go?#to make irreversible mistakes that affects every person around you? your decisions never end well. why do not you just give up already?#and yet here i am. trying to not isolate myself thanks to the safe place i found here. I can write what is on my mind. gives me some relief#because the only person i talked everyday is the same one i hurted as i never thought i would in my life#Hope i can found redemption one day. I hope they can heal and be happy soon and forever.#I am going to always be worry about them (i am sure of that) but i wish nothing but the best for them. I want nothing to hurt them again.#They never deserved the trauma and guilt. They suffered more than enough way before i step in and fucked up everything.#Life. if you can hear me. Please give them recovery. happyness. health and lots of love. They deserve it. Please#They did nothing wrong! Take them pain away and put it in me. I will stay alive just for that if is neccesary#I wanted to kill myself way long ago. but i still here. I might want to kill myself again. but i still will be here.#Just leave them be happy. That is what i really want
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That āis this UK uni accommodation or a Swedish prisonā game is so funny but also so depressing
#literally itās bringing back flashbacks of my final year of undergrad when i realised i was going to have to live on campus#or close to campus because iād forgotten how to drive because iād been in america for a year sans car#but then i missed the deadlines for good acommodation (because america) so i went for the cheapest option that was still available to me#which was a room in a building that ended up being CONDEMNED at the end of that academic year#guys it was so bad. there was racist graffiti all over the walls because no one had any respect for the place#broken glass in the courtyard. no lounge; you had to sit on the metal stairs to hang out#the stairwells just had brick walls. the kitchens were built to be shared by 6 persons maximum but forced to house 9 so they were so cramped#it was unbelieveable. i started eating at weird times so i wouldnāt have to awkwardly stare at someone while waiting for a counter/stovetop#to be free. on top of this there were wasp and silverfish infestations; my window was so drafty that hailstones came in once#the mattresses were full of fiberglass and felt like they were made up entirely of springs; and there were ground-in vomit and piss stains#on my chair and floor#and i paid ~Ā£90.50 per week~ for this#the only thing that kept me sane was the free bus pass. i never missed a class and i went to campus every single day#and attended tons of random events and guest lectures just to not be in my room. iād be the only person in the library at 8am on a sunday#my flatmates were a bunch of insane first years who drank and screamed at all hours so that didnāt help either. i didnāt make any friends#it was just so bad. there were never any community events taking place either and i saw the RAs exactly once. they were completely useless#reception nearly lost the kindle i ordered. i thought about doing laundry once and saw that the laundry room was absolute unmitigated chaos#so i was like āfuck it iāll just wait until iām home next weekendā and i went into town to buy clothes to tide me over#it was just such a horrible experience. and i hate that itās a universal one#uk universities are really like āgive us Ā£9k in tuition fees and also pay an arm and a leg for your accommodation.#no we will not be improving our accommodationā it makes me fucking crazy. like where is my money GOING#you find out they spent millions refurbishing a building that didnāt need to be refurbished and youāre like. you couldāve replaced#the carpet in my room for maybe a couple of hundred quid considering how small the room is#pisses me off. my advice to undergrads is visit potential halls of residence and read reviews of them#and donāt just let them dazzle you with the tour where they only show you the good rooms - poke around. see if thereās damp or wasps#look for stains. etc. or better yet; find a half decent landlord and rent a room in a house#i had a way better time during my masterās and it was because i talked to landlords and visited their houses and brought my nosy mum#and i picked a landlord who only housed postgrads; mature students & professionals. you couldnāt pay me to live in halls again#personal#rant
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I was sick for a day and my manager had to run some of my scripts and whatever she's changed she has NOT put back so now IT DOESNT FUCKING WORK AND SHES ON HOLIDAY FOR THE AFTERNOON
FUCK
#delete later#WHAT DID YOU DO#also she was gonna have a meeting to discuss ways to improve tge script so others can run the script#but she moved it to next tuesday AND LEFT THE SCRIPT BROKEN#also i could run it fuckinh fine on Thursday so idk what was broken for her but not me? but niw the script is fucked#akso the other script had a random extra { that broke the entire thing#im so fucking frustrated at her. SO frustrated.#she changed a part of the svript so it only works for one option. i have no idea why but it broke for the other two options ahe should#have also done yesterday#HEY MANAGER WHAT DID YOU DO#ow my fist i just smacked a fucking wall out of pure frustration. i dont UNDERSTAND WHY SHE CHANGED THIS#im just so annoyed. and so annoyed that thus was presented as an i fucked up when shes left the script in a non functional way#like i probably did fuck up somewhere but fucking she has left it in a completely broken state ive spent 40 minutes having to fix#EUUUUURRGGGHHH#this is what happened last time i was off and she had to run some of my things. there was a miscommunication between her#and someone else so she reworked something to fit that miscommunication and made it worse#so i came back to an extra hour of discussions to unfuck it. and like im not being ungrateful i appreciate her helping me so much#but sometimes she just breaks it and its so frustrating bc i know full well that meeying next week is gonna be about making#code friendly for others when i sign posted where things were AND SHE BROKE IT BY ADDING SOMETHING UN NOTED IN#GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AGAIN I PROBABLY ALSO FUCKED UP BUT FUCK ME IM ANNOYED#coyld run it fine Wednesday i mean. but like legit thr references are all off and shits like proper fucked on stuff that ive had saved since#Monday. like maybe i forgot to save Wednesday bc migraine but what the fuck some of this has been changed around for no apparent#reason. im sure she has a reason but there is no possible way some of these changes worked for her. so what the fuck
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how to kys without krilling yourself ;-;
#How to stop being anxious and having your heart stop every second without krilling yourself#What I have been doing : crying actual real tears cause I think about kaveh LMFAO#me -> why am i so unloveable ā¹ļø (sad) ā¦ *thinks about kaveh* ā¦. ššššššššššššššššššš (crying my eyes out LMAO)#help I am so insane not a joke I think someone needs to shoot me in the head wowowowowow š» pls where is dahlia . . . Her being gone is#Giving me more anxiety#anyways imagine nothing making you cry but then some anime twink whoās been missing for over a year just makes you cry multiple times LOOLL#I think I should be embarrassed ā¦ I AM embarrassed ššš#dora daily#Iiiiiiiiiiiii giiiivveeeeee uppppppp š»š»š»#I could go on a rant about why and what has happened but honestly I just think itād fall on deaf ears š§āāļø so I donāt think itās worth#Wasting my already very very VERY limited breath on.#The way a dude who tries to use me (discord boy) wouldāve told me to go in great detail and listened attentively and I canāt even have my#Actual friends like me enough to want to listen š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š»š» no wonder I feel unloveable maybe itās better to be#Fake loved and used atp than feeling like this. Idek atp I am just so drained completely that even talking is absolutely impossible so I#Wouldnāt even talk to him if I wanted to ;-; so now what ? I remain mute for the rest of my life ? Man Iām sick of this sick of having to#Sleep and that being the only way I donāt rip out my eyeballs or cut off my leg from how insanely weird I feel#Dniewosmsmskaj helpppp š#First half of the tags was in just me trying to be funny but the rest is srs š eeee I hate my brain#Sooo anxious helpppp āŗļøš« anyways marks apparently came out I am not going to ask for a heart attack on top of my already unstable heart so#I wonāt check. But I also have sm to do that I couldnāt get done like that fucking timetable itās been pending since forever I need help š»#The days are flying and getting merged together I canāt keep count anymore
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I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.
Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.
It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.
When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.
Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.
Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.
I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.
But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.
With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.
If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.
Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.
Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.
Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.
It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.
All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.
There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.
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