#SO NOW IM GONNA FREAK OUT ALL DAY
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usually i have nothing against elliotte friedman but this morning i need him to be banished from ever sharing a thought again
#like go away#we are NOT trading petey#esp for only byram and cozens#AND HE SQKD IT WAS PURELY IN HIS HEAD#BUT ITS FRIEDMAN#SO NOW IM GONNA FREAK OUT ALL DAY#canucks#hockey#vancouver canucks
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every morning 4am this is what i see when i wake
#snap shots#woah…. rare irl photo…#i has a funny blurred pic that just makes me think of like. some kinda shoegsze album cover for some reason djdjWODJSJ#anywaydjKWKJA#stop staring at me with them big ol eyes#i got him Ever ago bur i wanted to shaew him tonight … i just changed the batteries in my candles …#it still looks like i sleep in a dungeon but thats ok Look At Him#whenever im feeling lost or down i pull him out of my pocket and hear him tell me to stop fucking around and focus#i stare into his eyes and i feel immediate shame and Stop Fucking Around immediately#works everytime …#the plush set this comes from is so funny cause its like scott jean logan#and then this freaks just there too. like nawww why is erik the bus driver all of a sudden#the day theres a lil charles plushie ill actually ascend to the high heavens PLEASE#you CANNOT separate them :((#anyways … i sleep now … with this little weirdo watching me#i cant say he’ll protect me from bad dreams but he’ll at least be a witness if i die during one so thats nice#good night team !!! i dont wanna do my presentation tomorrow ………#also im lyin. im gonna doodle a lil then sleep …#gettin a drawing tablet was the worst thing i coulda done i cannot put it down fjOWJSSJSK#ok byebye ….. prob wont post anymore tonight at least ….#so we can act like im sleeping 😏 and yet erik also acts as a witness to my lies 😔 a travesty….
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I'm gonna get into a brawl with my mother one day don't be surprised when I get on the news
#long rant incoming lol but#so my birthday is in like 2 weekends from now and my mom asked me for a list of things i want#so i compiled a list of six things with like 2 $10 options 2 like $17 options and one $25 and $60 option#and i wanna be clear i dont really care to make one but she gets pissy if i dont and its meant as more an ideas list#i dont need everything on there and its meant for my entire family#or ignore the list! i don't care!#FREAKED OUT on me saying i was being selfish/too expensive and im like....i never expected all of this stuff epseically from one person...#i am happy with one of the $10 options or a gift card or something else entirely so like#it kinda feels bad to get asked for a list of stuff i want and then get called selfish for it and then for her to talk behind my back about#me to my sister lol#also asked me if i was available for a bday celebration on a certain day and i was like yeah i got a thing in the afternoon but i can#still make it#get yelled at AGAIN bc she said oh u can leave that early and i was like...uh...no i cant lol im sorry....i paid to go to this thing already#and its like why ask me if u are gonna get mad if im unavailable (which im not even lmao)#idk it's just it's always been an ideas list in my family so i dont get why she's freaking out on me and acting like im asking for so much#espcially cause she just changed out all of her kitchen appliances and redid all of the landscaping in her front and back yard like 😭😭😭#truly didnt think a $10-20 gift was like crazy if u did wanna get me a gift lol#not really looking forward to it now ngl#chen.txt#rant post
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hi small vent
but like i went 2 get soda bc sugar & i just step on glass??
theres just glass on the floor no1 told me about
i didnt step 2 deep so im FINE BHT JUST
i was complaining how “not asking 4 help will make us end up walking on the broken glass u leave bhind” earlier & it came true i dont get this
also theres more blood but its on concrete so its fine but like cmon
#i did get my soda but in also rlly annoyed#i moved the big chunks of glass while wearing shoes so niko thought we were going on a walk#FREAKED ME OUT HE STARTED FOLLOWING ME CLOSER#I DONT THINK HE STEPPED ON ANY GLASSS HES FINE#but like heart attack#my dad has been sayong all day how hes a bad dad & abusive & neglectful but dude stop?? yk u r so like stop?#he says hes not embarrassed 2 ask 4 help but he never does even when i fucking beg him#BC IT ENDS W/ME STEPPING ON GLASS#THIS ISNT THE 1ST TIME RAAAHHHHH#im vey annoyed & now paranoid theres glass in my foot#im gonna die from glassy foot :(
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um hello??
#of course theyd post today of all days#i dont know whether to believe it or not#holy heck#if true then so freaking happy for them omg#if joke then im gonna go sit in a corner to calm down#why#like why#i need the smosh mouth episode to come out like now#smosh#shayne topp#courtney miller
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so things are not going well with my new elderly socdem friend unfortunately.
#she said this RIGHT after talking about how bad yt misinfo is... which she followed up w SO I WAS WATCHING A YT DOC ABOUT WW2 & LEARNED THIS#youtube 'historians' are literally the most fascist breed of youtuber. avoid the vast majority like the plague lmao#i asked if the video was sourcing the hollow dahmer & the black book of communism & she didnt seem to know what those are lol#to her credit i told her straight up that she was incorrect & she at least faked being curious about doing more research but i am doubting#she also 'learned' that lenin killed trotsky lol get your propaganda right lenin was dead by then STALIN icepicked him <3#anyway im making jokes bc the worst part was a different conversation where she spoke positively of israel#THAT'S gonna be the one to ruin our friendship. fuck you & your war tourist friend who fought in the 1960s landgrabs that youre now#telling me as if this is a cute story. nahhhh lmao i looked her straight in the eye & said i will NOT debate this#so she dropped it like the true enlightened centrist most socdem cowards are and i kept cleaning her house quietly#turns out You & Me We're the Only Ones Around Here Who Aren't Complete Fools was premature *kicks the poorly rendered gravel sadly*#shes otherwise a nice lady & i know i need to be more flexible in order to hopefully change ppls minds...#but also when people say awful & untrue things it makes me not want to talk to you 🤷♂️ srry 2 b a freak like that#also i know shes not transphobic but i havent sniffed her out well enough to know if shes safe to come out to#so its hours of misgendering (which isnt her fault she doesnt know) bc shes obsessed with neoliberal feminism and inappropriately brings#gender into conversations that it does not belong in#'did you know all the countries that handled covid best were ran by women?' 1) untrue 2) dont care finland still sucks#she also tried to tell me that european rich people learned to be nicer after the french rev & thats why europe is better than america...#girl shut up we learned how to be so good at racism and capitalism BECAUSE of europe. there is no such thing as a good rich person!!!#i pick my battles (genocide & anticommunist genocide revisionism) so i let her cook w that one & was not left convinced as you can imagine#ANYWAY rant about today's weird day done. gonna smoke weed & rim some skies 🥵 while listening to the Khrushchev Lied audiobook i found 😘
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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop
#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good#but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside#it IS making me better at my job though#.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know#on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me#i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually#i traded a month with him to have another month with her#he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories#I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far#but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders#so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year#also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies#but I've been in scarier situation i can manage#and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man#but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space#with strong aspects of praise kink#pathetic is what it is really#but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right#I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit#I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST#........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess#yeah it's just like an infected wound right now#angry red throbbing hot pain#i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing#it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation#it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it#it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work#the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to#I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right
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Good night yall. And good riddance.
#I don’t think I’ve posted this much in one night in my whole tumblr career#thanks for letting me freak out#I’m pooped now tho … I know bc I’m getting numb and my eyeballs hurt#at the end of it all. at least we can say. deku is happy#I’m gonna try to black out everything that’s not that#cut out the eight years that passed#happy deku.#work tomorrow ….#sigh#and love to u all I only have two more days of this insane schedule btw!!#I’m missing u badly#I miss bkg too lowkey but im mad at hori so#anyway#caitie blabs#bnha spoilers
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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im going 2 have wasted all my money again arent i -_
#egg.txt#i cant go out & buy bigger things so i have to order them to my house.... bc i cant drive...#but literally EVERYWHERE. uses yodel & evri#but i paid extra for delivery for today cuz im gonna be in and tomorrow like i have non refundable tickets#but they havent delivered it today...#and every single other time this has happened theyve no joke thrown shit into my yard without any notification#ive had like several things ruined already and im kind of freaking it because i put in a big order with fragile stuff#and its like last time#this happened i had to spend a whole weekend bussing back and forth to take broken pieces back to the shops#like theyve chucked boxes that have said fragile all over them into my yard and obviously all my stuff smashed#theyve dumped my fucking parcels behind my bins and ive not found them for like a week and theyve been soaked#(those would be second hand items i could not return & were wrecked)#and theres no way to reschedule it eitherrrr ughhhhghgh#its like i feel like such an asshole. i know theyre the cheap option cuz they fucking run their drivers into the ground but#oh my god. i would genuinely pay MORE MONEY to go through a decent delivery service#cuz im gonna spend it anyway recouping all the costs! !#idc if it takes another week so long as it can be scheduled to when im in or a date so i can arrange#but theres no options like literally#AND no warning half the time on all the stores. ALL of the shops use it now its such a nightmare#and im mad too ive waited in the house all day for it#no warning it HAS been rescheduled and yep thats great [redacted] and so and so forth help me GOD
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as someone who knows what ur prev old man yaoi obsession was it checks out you like cherik.... same dynamic id say
For but a moment i thought you were referring to arasawa but nay you meant xehaqus 😔
#snap chats#as we have covered many a time … thats ok i still love them lowkey ……#‘your prev old man yaoi obsession’ do you have any idea how little that narrows it down#the list is small tho …. its barely a list tbh but anyway#yeah 😔 sorry i like old people in messy divorces …..#girllllll no cauuuussse the kh bbs novel still fucks me up idc if its been years eraqus being so whipped got me twisted …#i mean arasaw could be applicable too ig. Cute Old Man And His Attack Dog Husband yeah that checks out#even got the whole ‘dog’ thing going on an everything… cept one of thems a FREAK ABOUT IT <- charles#anyways. moving on.#i havw to drive in three hours and im gonna be mad all morning but then it’ll be over and my day will significantly improve#shoulsni get myself noodles after class yes or no !!!!!!!!#i wanna save money tho … but now thats its 1AM and i forgot to eat dinner noodles sound so yummy …..#no yk what sucks my fave noodle place aint evwn open on mondays. like excuse me.#WHATEVER i havw TWO noodle spots so CHOKE. i am rambling.#and ill ramble more I Kinda Wanna Get More Comics but all the comics i want arent available at my shop </3#im done rambling now …… goot bye …
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what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
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#if its really my turn.... oh im gonna HXJXJXKXKKXKX#what do you Mean he still wants to hang out even tho its just gonna be me now#im just...................... like in my mind im like oh maybe he just wants to be friends. but idk !!! the vibe is........ TO ME....#not that....#but am i also blonded by my crush on him? uh ofc JJDDJDJDJZM#but really like. how all these things happen im just like. this just cant be coincidence. like hes making it happen on his end#just as much as i am on mine and its so.... weird NDJJDNDNDNDNND#idk... idk. i just. never thought id have something like this#and just the thought of it is just.... so much BFJDJDJDJDNND#n e way....#one step at a time.....#if i think too ahead i'll freak myself out JDJDJJXJXJXMX#personal#i just.... out of everyone i met in college... never expected it to be him that id be meeting with the most consistently.....#like i wanted to keep him the most (obviously) but i never thought that like.... itd be achievable????#idk i cant believe we're gonna meet 1:1 like JDJJDJDJD no one there to interrupt us..... crazy. unheard of#is it even allowed.... NDNDNSMSZMMZ#and like. am i even allowed to have this happen to me. like hes so nice JDJDJJDJDMZMZM#like....... HHHHHHH i cant. i really cant think about it i'll go nuts#oh lol back again bc i was gonna write this but forgot JJDDJDJJD#like i had thought that one day we'd be able to meet on our own. but i never imagined itd be so soon NJDJDJDJDJJDNDNDN#ok ya thats it NJZJDJDJJDN
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love bluh bluh bluh
#初音ミク#ラビットホール#rabbit hole#hatsune miku#vocaloid#illustration#artists on tumblr#dooblenauts#i liked how this looked better while i was working on it#now it looks. so bad#the handcuffs look stupid. the background is stupid. the shading and rendering is stupid#why am i so afraid of trying new things my rendering now sucks idk what im doing its so unpleasing to look at#eugh. eugh#trying to get my shit together by trying to get a better sleep schedule. as a first step#cause that shits been fucked for ages#i slept at midnight and woke up at 6am and stayed up ALL day. i was SO proud of myself#then when i went to sleep at 8 or 9 last night i stupidly took a lil bit of a gummy to pass me out easier#it was apparently too much and i woke up at midnight freaking out#now im pissed off at myself for waking up at 10am cause of a fuck up i should have avoided but i wanted to go to sleep quicker#why do i suck. why do i suck!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway gonna burn myself out on drawing cause im useless and cant do anything else otherwise#hoping someone will be like 'hey nice art! heres some money draw me a thing'#but thats probably not gonna happen in a VERY long time#so im probably just gonna be useless for the rest of my life#dont take this as me trying to gain pity or anything im going through a mood and just really pissed off at myself 😭
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Always fantastic starting off the new Year with my insurance changing on me even though I was still supposed to be on my old one, not to mention this new insurance is for maternal care and I as a disabled Asexual person laughed so loud because wow that's gotta be some irony... And It doesn't cover any of my doctors or my medications most of which are hormone medications because I don't have a functioning pituitary or hypothalamus gland and I kinda need those meds to y'know live so... New year is going swell 🫠
#virus rambling#i am so screwed#like royally screwed#i cant afford my meds i really can't especially hormone meds because for some reason hormone meds are fricken expensive#im freaking out and ive been on tumblr all day to keep my mind busy to prevent the impending doom feeling#because guess whose meds run out at the beginning of the month and i was gonna order them but now i cant...#and i completely forgot about my blood med too because i dont feel like choking on blood this month either#american healthcare everybody where you have to worry about suffering and then possibly dying because you cant afford meds 🙃#im gonna wallow and vent in the some 900 posts i just saved to my drafts brb
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I hate when apps temporarily block your acct bcs "suspicious activity", yeah yeah I understand it's for security measures BUT PLEASE IM JUST BAD AT REMEMBERING PASSWORDS, LET ME LIVE 😭😭
#having a bit of a freak out right now 🌚#my best friend is gonna be in china for 2 months and our only option of communication is wechat#expect i forgot to log into wechat lately so it logged me out and i cant remember my pass and it got pissy with me for requesting sms codes#so it temporarily blocked me for suspicious behavior PLEASE WECHAT I JUST AM IMPATIENT#and then it said i requested unblocking too many times i have to 'wait'#wait how fucking long wechat?????? how long?????????#and even then with requesting your acct to be unblocked the easiest way is to get a friend w a wechat acct to verify you#HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU THINK I HAVE WECHAT 😭😭😭😭#MY ONLY FRIEND WHO HAS WECHAT IS ON HER WAY TO CHINA AS WE SPEAK WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT THAT#she has to stop in another country for like half a day so im hoping when she lands she can help me 😭#BUT WHAT IF I STILL CSNT REQUEST BY THEN?? WHAT DO I DO THEN WECHAT????#once she gets to china i feel like im basically fucked#but yes i understand security measures but jesus christ please irs me i swear why are you making me jump through all these hoops?????#but im gonna actually be so upset if this screws up me being able to msg her :( we talk every day :(#i think i will actually combust and die if were just no contact for that long im actually gonna die#how am i gonna survive without her sending me china pics and me harassing her with f1 updates :(((#ugh i dont know what to do :( and i feel really upset abt it#maybe whatsapp will work and we can fix my acct but who knows :(#catie.rambling.txt
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