#Remember when we used to pay for good online games? You should

[relatablepicturesofoverwatch]

Gigantic returns on April 9, 2024!

[ts-witchy-archive]

Hello! I've seen a bit of wiccan (?) things for a while, if I were to start I wouldn't even know how to start though. (my autistic ass does not leave the house and my mom would probably think it's weird to make strange concoctions of things) I also don't really know how deities work and how do you find out which one your communicating with? Tbh I've always felt like someone is around but whatever god it is seriously fucking hates me /hj Been better since I started medication but like the luck I have is 50/50 good bad and that is probably not normal. If you answer this it'd be very helpful.

Hi! Thanks for the ask!

I just want to start by defining a few terms for you :)

Wicca/Wiccan: A pagan religion that focuses on nature, magic and witchcraft. It was founded in the mid 20th century and Wiccans primarily worship 2 Gods which are personifications of nature.

Witch: Just a person who practices witchcraft. It's a non-gendered term and a non-religious term/practice. Not all witches are Wiccan but all Wiccans are witches. Witches can be absolutely anyone

Personally, I'm not Wiccan so I can't really tell you much about that but if there is one thing I know, it's witchcraft! There are many different places to start but I'm going to condense it down as much as humanly possible. It'll probably feel like a bit of information overload so just try to take it slow and relax. Enjoy the learning.

My favourite book for beginner witchcraft is 'Witchery: Embrace the Witch Within' by Juliet Diaz. She is a fantastic author and wonderful human. Everything about the basics of witchcraft you could need is in that book (imo). You should be able to find a pdf online if you can't get a physical copy.

As for youtube channels with solid content:

Harmony Nice: She covers everything Wicca. She has a playlist with all her Wiccan/witchy content witch is linked here

The Witch of Wonderlust: Olivia has been a favourite witchy youtuber of mine for a while. I wouldn't recommend jumping into her videos without any prior knowledge but once you have a grasp on the bare bones it should be okay. Here is a playlist she made with everything you could possibly need when beginning witchcraft. SOrt through the videos and see what peeks your interest.

The Hearth Witch: Another wonderful account if I remember correctly. Her videos used to be on the longer end (30-60mins) so if you have a short attention span then maybe not but she has a wealth of information.

I also recommend joining a few discord servers, following a few pages on tumblr just to get acquainted with the community and terminology.

Okay, on to the deity work situation. Deity work is generally considered more intermediate in the witchcraft community. key words being 'Deity WORK'. Worship is completely fair game. Setting up an altar, praying, leaving offerings, doing activities in devotion to the deity is absolutely something you can do relatively quickly.

As for IDing a deity, most people do it through 'divination' which is things like tarot, a pendulum, dice, bone throwing, and other ways. Most people also ask for signs that a specific deity is 'reaching out' to them or wants them to pay attention. You can also politely ask someone who is volunteering their time on tumblr or a discord server to find out for you via divination. If they don't say their doing free readings, obviously, don't ask.

Finally. luck is luck. It makes no sense for a literal God to hate a human. We all have periods of shitty luck and awesome luck! I wouldn't blame that on anything. Sometimes bad things just happen unfortunately. But sometimes amazing things also happen, even if it's just as small is finding 5 cents on the footpath.

That was so long. Congrats if you made it to the end because I nearly didn't when writing this. I hope this helped a bit. Feel free to reach out if you need a hand with anything. Thanks :)

[caitlynnrosespn]

My Just Dance Story

So, I know this is SO RANDOM but I wanted to fully share my story for why I love Just Dance and what brought me into this community. I have a long story of why Just Dance means so much to me, so here I am! Oh, and quick TW: I will talk about... a bunch of stuff, so warnings for ab*se (all kinds), body shaming, su*cide, depression, and whatever else I forgot! (Don't worry it's a happy story!! I promise!!)

Dance is always something near and dear to my heart. When I was tiny I would watch dancers on TV and try to mimic them to the best of my ability. I mean, I was there for the Single Ladies dance challenge, meaning I remember the very first dance challenge. I loved to move and express myself, but there were some challenges with that. One, I wasn't allowed to go to dance classes like my sisters were allowed to. I was forced to stay at home at all times, because my dad was abusing me and my sisters and i was the only one without a filter. Two, I was also being sold to men my dad worked with to help pay off bills, and the injuries from that were more clear then the ones from the physical abuse (don't panic- i was drugged the whole time. I don't remember much from that) so my dancing expertise came entirely from whatever I could sneak online (there's a very old video of me doing a cheer-leading routine online, which I will not try to find cuz you can see my dad in the background).

When I was 7, my sister was able to finally tell the right people what was going on and got us out of there. When I tell you I wouldn't be around anymore if it wasn't for her, I'm not being dramatic. My bio dad threatened to kill me on multiple occasions, and I'm sure it was bound to actually happen at some point. I also managed to make the local news, so everyone knew what had happened. But while at a foster house, I first played Just Dance. It was 2012, so I played Just Dance 4. At that time it was just a way for me to have fun with all my sisters before we were permanently separated from each other, but that memory will always be a happy one for me (first ever map was Good Feeling btw).

I was put into a foster home, where I was for 2 years before getting adopted. And while things improved drastically, there were still some issues there. My adopted dad was emotionally abusive, breaking me in a different way. I am a curvy person, and him not understanding that curvy bodies are still healthy, enforced tow eating disorders in me and taught to absolutely torture my body with workouts. He didn't believe I should be a dancer, because, in his words, "no one wants to see you jiggling all that around" and "boys don't like cellulite" (cuz i only danced for boys-obviously.) Others also said that dancing made me a slut. So I quickly gave up my dreams of being a dancer. I became depressed, and soon had to be sent to a psychiatric ward after attempting to take my own life. I was 11.

But I wish that the Just Dance team could have seen the effect that playing Just Dance had on a bunch of depressed teens. Just Dance 4 ironically was the only thing they let us play, but the transformation was visceral. We went from angry, depressed, and terrified teens to a group of lifelong friends, cheering each other on and absolutely killing cheoreos. It was then I realized- I could still dance if I could just have my hands on this game.

So I had a friend who had JD 2015. We loved playing together (my favorite map was Happy- obviously.) But I begged my parents to get me my own JD game. They got me JD 2016, and I loved every second of it. I also at the time was online more, so I grew very fond of dancers like Avery, Of Hugo and Jayden Rodriquez. I also found the official dancers of Just Dance, like Jessy, Mehdhi, and Sarah Magassa. I fell in love with their dance and dreamed of dancing like them one day.

But my dad quickly caught on to my scheme, and shamed me out of playing, even encouraging my siblings to do the same. When that didn't work, he banned the game completely. Heartbroken, and having no time to spare due to musical theater (which my mom thankfully got me into) I once again quite any dreams of being a dancer.

But fast forward to 2022. I kind of still watched stuff about Just Dance, but I was beyond out of the loop. But one day I got home, and my dad had accidentally locked me out of the house. (you make me feeell like I've been locked out of-ok i'm done sorry) So, with two hours to go before my dad came back, I opened YouTube and there it was- The Ubisoft Forward for Just Dance 2023. It had been the day before, so I decided to watch it. Beside the initial confusion (is that Shirley? Why is Jessy blue? Huh?) I was so amazed by the game and fell immediately in love with the game. But I became obsessed when I saw HER.

A curvy coach. Yes, I know she was in other games leading up to this, but I was out of the loop by then. So when I saw a dancer who looked just like me (same hair at this point too!) it just hit me.

What the hell was I doing? Who had the right to tell me what to do with my body? Why was I letting others destroy my dreams, just because they didn't think I was worthy enough of them? Yeah, fuck that.

So I did everything I could to get the game. On launch day I biked 24 miles away from my house to the nearest gamestop to buy the game, lying to my dad and saying I was buying my friend a birthday gift. Honestly, it was one of the best nights of my life, cuz I remember feeling like I was reclaiming myself. I felt free.

And that's what Just Dance means to me. It symbolizes freedom, a new birth. It gives me hope. It is currently helping me reclaim the love for dance that so many people tried to destroy. So thank you to the loving and supporting community, the amazing team, and everyone who has helped me on this journey. From the bottom of my heart, I love you all <3

[cloobert]

The Steroid Olympics

There's been some talk floating around online lately about The Enhanced Games, including an episode of the Trashfuture podcast I'd certainly recommend.

I've become fascinated--not because I'm a right-wing tech-and-immortality fetishist, but rather because of the specific and insidious way the project uses progressive language to hide its true nature. It's evil in a fascinating and specific way that leans on progressive language to do its dirty deeds.

First, I should explain the project. "What if the Olympics let every athlete do as many steroids as they want?" is the basic pitch. Going deeper, it's part of a certain subset of global capital's fascination with what's called here Human Enhancement: the search for immortality and transcendent physical power. It's also, importantly, a project trying to justify itself and in doing so get rid of the stigma around steroid use in sports (notably not the stigma around steroid use in, you know, HRT.) Also it's a for-profit project co-founded by a pharmaceutical CEO whose companies specialize in Human Enhancement fare.

Look at the tiles on the website:

Pay the athletes. Science is real. Enhanced inclusive language. We'll absolutely look deeper, but there's already a very present sense of what a good friend of mind called crypsis.

There's an almost convincing facsimile of progressive language here. But the tiger is lurking in the grass.

Let's enter some of these tiles. See how a camouflaged predator works.

This is immediately insidious. There's a rhetorical conflation between antivaxxers and anyone who opposes to doping here. And remember, this organization is selling the fantasy of "what if athletes juice so hard they were superhuman."

And then we get into the sloppy propaganda-history. It's a lineage more wrenched into place than discovered, and that makes no distinction between war, bloodsport, and sport in a more modern sense.

Bufotenin (not bufotein) is the DMT-anolouge you get from licking toads. Perhaps not the same, conceptually, as anabolic steroid use.

Moving on from the bad history, we have this:

Cherry picking science, in addition to simple lies. Remember, this is The Steroid Olympics. "When used properly" is mutually exclusive with "this is a sports body that gives prizes for every world record you set", right? No matter how much this talks about safety, the basic structure is unsafe for players. And to be clear, steroid abuse of the sort these games are about is *extremely* bad for you. Ringmaster: Vince McMahon and the Unmaking of America by Abraham Josephine Riesman, the excellent history of Vince McMahon and the Word Wrestling Federation, spends many a word on the awful ramifications of widespread steroid use in the WWF. Use of the kind that's necessary to become "superhuman" in the way this site sells is tremendously dangerous, and the site cherry picks research to hide this.

However, this part isn't the most egregious.

The crypsis, the hiding in the grass, becomes central in the Enhanced Inclusive Language portion.

This is the kind of thing that would go viral on here maybe 10 years ago. A single deprecated theory on etymology being sold as the primary one to create a specific narrative. The word "dope" does, in fact, come from the Dutch. However, per the Wall Street Journal:

Notice also the "black athletes are disproportionately accused of doping." This is, by all accounts, true. But the issue there is pretty clearly not that doping is illegal. It's racism. And racism that would not be addressed by changing the language around doping.

This will continue in the next post:

[utilitycaster]

you're spot on, so much of the hysteria on twitter seems to be fueled by people with agendas - 3pp who'll have to pay royalties, youtubers looking for engagement, indie developers etc

heck, i saw one youtuber tweet "let's put cr on blast and make them comment on this" which is incredibly stupid. even if they wanted to comment on the ogl (which they're not obligated to), they'll at least wait until the official version is out and not comment on a leaked document

and the thing is, that document is almost a month old. odds are there's already been some revisions based on feedback and negotiations with the big publishers, who knows. no one has the whole picture and everyone's just wildly speculating and accusing

Right like...obviously CR has a close working relationship with WoTC, and, frankly, might even be affected since the Tal'Dorei guides are under the OGL, but also, does that youtuber remember when Critical Role put out a not-dissimilar copyright statement and people similarly lost their shit? Or how whenever CR plays a non-D&D game for a one-shot the indie crowd screams that they're doing it wrong (*cough* Monsterhearts)? It's just so obviously people who either already hate D&D and yet hang on to its every word waiting for reasons to tell people to switch, which I have never seen work and I've been in these online spaces for 4+ years now;

For what it's worth: I actually have rarely seen this kind of fuckery from indie developers though I'm sure it exists. It's usually just random fans (see again Monsterhearts; the creator said she thought Cinderbrush was great; it was fans of the game/haters of CR making all the noise).

Like, I make fun of indie games from time to time but actually, TAZ: Steeplechase has made me interested in checking out Blades in the Dark for a one-shot or something, which a lot of screeching idiots have repeatedly failed to do, because TAZ: Steeplechase is like "hey we are using this system and it's fun as hell for the story we're trying to do here!" instead of saying "D&D is evil and everyone will be leaving it now! just like we said when One D&D came out or when Hasbro said it wasn't profitable enough or when discussions in 2020 touched upon some of the racially charged language surrounding certain character races or or or...ANYWAY PLAY MY FAVORITE GAME."

Also I do want to note that I'm barely exaggerating about the alternatives people offer. I've seen some dude touting Rolemaster, which is literally out of print. Or like, after A Court of Fey and Flowers, someone brought up Good Society and seriously overstated how it was used in that game (it was significantly hacked, and also they were still very much playing D&D 90% of the time) and did not actually cover that if you want to cast spells, Good Society will not help you. It's just...I actually very much agree that we should encourage the use of alternatives to D&D! I think it's good to have a thriving independent game culture! It's just...why is everyone's response to shit on D&D, which is not perfect, but is immensely popular for many good reasons, instead of putting that effort into making their favorite indie game more accessible and appealing to new players. What kind of idiot says "the correct way to convince people to change is to tell them that the thing they love is dumb and bad, and offer an alternative without understanding what other people are looking for."

[mayonnaisetoffees]

Oversharing on the Internet

Tagged by: @mistmarauder 🧡 (I can respond to these in a timely manner! Who knew? Though I always say waaaaay too much hence the readmore)

ONE: Are you named after anyone? My middle name was for my mum's great-nana I think? Maybe great-grandma and I only think great-nana because we only had a great-nana. But not my first name, no. But fun fact: My parents ONLY had one name for a girl. If my younger sibling had been born a girl they'd have been fuuuucked. (Also part of why I keep my name despite it being v much female-coded because like I earnt this. Also, like... it's my name. It fits me, thought I more often than not get confused seeing it written down because like that's my verbal name, Mayo is my written name.)

TWO: When was the last time you cried? Last week? Little sleep + stress of moving = lots of tears at random times.

THREE: Do you have kids? Nope! Don't have pets either. I wanna foster/adopt/support (probably older kids/teenagers) at some point but not for a few years and I absolutely do not want bio kids. Pregnancy freaks me the fuck out.

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot? Fairly often? I can't even tell anymore tbh like I just talk, even I'm barely paying attention to what I'm saying half the time! Less so online I think (this is where people are like nah mate you do that here too) because it's definitely been misunderstood before - sometimes making me look very daft and I'm like I don't know you people well enough to say that that was what is called a joke

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play? I never found one I liked apart from, like, bench-ball. The fact that there aren't (that I've found at least) casual places to play bench ball as an adult is a fucking travesty.

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people? Their smile/laugh/sense of humour? I'm really bad with faces, but if someone laughs or makes a joke pretty soon after I meet them, I remember them a lot more easily. Online it's definitely like the quirks of their writing style.

SEVEN: What's your eye colour? Brown! Pretty dark brown too so like none of the "ooh it's got XYZ in it in the light" it has brown with hints of brown

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings - I am the biggest wimp with scary films. I was part of the "let's go hang in the kitchen with the leftover pizza/snacks" gang if horror films came on at a sleepover!

NINE: Any special talents? I'm not the biggest fan of cake, but by god will I make the best cake you've tasted. I can also do a good mix CD (less good at specific playlists because playlists it's just a big mess of great songs) and I can flick through to the right page in a book for a quote pretty easily - drove some people mad in English because people would be trying to find it for like five minutes and I'd just be like drrrrrrrr (idk how to write the noise for fanning through the pages) There!

TEN: Where were you born? At home, south of England (I'm very much Northern, being there for like two memories max one of which was falling asleep indoors doesn't count 😂). I can't remember if it was me or my older brother this happened for, but my mum went into labour in the middle of the night and woke my dad up and was like "The baby is coming" and my dear father went "If you still think so in half an hour, wake me up again" and rolled back over. Needless to say, he was not, in fact, allowed to go back to sleep. He also hates that story so we tell it as often as possible 😇

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies? Uhh I watch a lot of TV? 😂 I need to get more hobbies that get me outside tbh. But I podfic, I knit sometimes when I'm watching stuff and I play games when I watch stuff, I cook a lot, I bake, I like long walks on the beach actually I like reasonable length walks by rivers/green areas or along the promenade if I'm at the beach because sand (Anakin Skywalker was right and he should say it).

TWELVE: Do you have any pets? Nope! Just moved, but I used to help look after my friends' dog every so often - she's a black cockapoo called Luna and I love her dearly but she also made me realise if I do get a dog, I don't want a puppy. They are a lot of work. Which makes sense because they are literally baby

THIRTEEN: How tall are you? 5'7", please don't ask me for the metric - I haven't had to be measured in a while so I only know it in imperial. I wanna say like 167cm maybe? Does that sound right???

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school? English (Language over Lit) or French 100%. I always say that my optional GCSEs were all basically an extension of my skills in English (AKA bullshitting): Religious Studies (taught tbh as Christianity + a few other examples), French, Spanish (both still bullshitting just in another language), and Drama (absolutely bullshitting and also in my case scaring the shit out of an examiner because the plate smashed into lots of pieces that flew everywhere rather than just a few in a controlled space like it had in rehearsal)

FIFTEEN: Dream job? God I miss working in a cafe/events. But they don't pay the bills as well! Also like I would ideally want to do my current job 3 days a week and a manual job 2 but like without having to work lots of extra hours to keep on top of both, yk?

Tagging: @glaftwlet @emryses @snapshotmaestro @idyllic-idioms @alloverthegaf and idk anyone else who wants to do it! Brain empty can't remember usernames

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko EP6. Replay Part 1

It is very interesting how much the dialogue in the wedding scene seems to put Battler in the role of what is usually considered the Bride's role in misogynistic society - Erola downright calls him his property, actually. With how Natsuhi was literally sold in a way like this and this is revenge for winning against Natsuhi I can imagine this being some kind of twisted humor on Erika or Bernkastel's side. I forgot Hachijo published theories online and not like, on books and stuff. The idea of her just spending all her day arguing online and getting heated about the truth of Rokkenjima is extremely funny to me.

Ange's sense of time is really fucked here with remembering stuff from the future, honestly a lot of the stuff wrt Ange's time kind of flew over my head the first time so I should pay more attention this time.

We go back to lambda etc, and uh, it's very clear Bernkastel doesn't like Erika at all anymore and Erika is desperate to prove herself to Bern. ....Battler and Beatrice's relationship in the meta is obviously set in a way to kind of mirror the story of Beato and Kinzo, and now we are in the "Beatrice 1 died and Kinzo is desperate to bring her back stage" aka the grooming your daughter stage so this episode sometimes get a little bit uncomfortable, probably intentionally so, since they are serving as hints to the actual truth, and even on first read you can tell the language of Battler's Piece-Beato is mirroring Kuwadorian-Beatrice. honestly, it would probably be more disrespectful to not have it be uncomfortable since otherwise

The fact that Lambdadelta is on Battler's side is pointed out! Of course, Ange refutes it, but it will be pretty relevant on ep8 especially.

Battler begins thinking about the role of a game master and how it's much harder than it looks, and the logic error gets some setup.... Battler smiling and blushing with excitement when he thinks he can show Beato his game is really cute, though, haha.... if a little sad, with full context.

Here is r07, through Featherine, telling us that just because something was as mall sin for Battler doesn't mean that it wasn't a big deal for Sayo.... and to please not dismiss her heart as we have seen that even Battler has accepted it by now. This is making me emotional.

While this is obviously paralleling Kinzo-Beatrice, they are obviously also referring to how Sayo-Beatrice was originally created as a way for her to kind of... compartmentalize away her feelings for Battler. She was literally created for Battler, as the game keeps pointing out.

Battler throws a tantrum and literally breaks the plates and all the food Beatrice had made for her, good one Battler, great way to do an apology. Genji reprimands him by asserting that they are truly Beatrice.

The whole discussion about 'scents' is interesting, because when i think of works that don't carry the same scent as the original work.... it's several of Higurashi's side arcs. But several others do too, so the fact that an endless amount of 'correct' forgeries can be made isn't wrong.

Kanon and Shannon have their usual discussion on loving vs not loving for 'furniture'.... it's been at least a while actually, ep5 was ironically the one ep that didn't really focus on either of them despite being an answer arc, it's really sad when Kanon jumps at her like "you are only pretending to be a human, George won't love you when he finds out more" and her just kind of giving weak affirmations that it is not true. I don't really have a lot to say that Kanon didn't say here haha - he confesses his feeling of being trapped, his disgust at himself, and both envy and admiration for Jessica.... it is kind of nice to be able to see the things come out of their own mouth instead of subtext, though also really sad. The scene ends with both of them agreeing they are nothing more than furniture.

Kanon talks about how if Shannon ever quit he would stop working and Jessica says she knows about that already.... kind of shows how at least at some point Sayo was making plans to leave the island entirely and giving excuses as to why both Shannon and Kanon would have to disappear.

This scene is really cute but the part about Jessica confessing she's mainly into Kanon because she was jealous of George and Shannon is always a bit sad to me.... I still think they are cute though.

Chick-Beato starts thinking about the meaning of names a bit depressed and Ange talks about how she feels bad for her - I am glad someone's pointing out how fucked up it is to do this to Chick-Beato. Featherine and Ange begin pointing out that Beatrice was created for Battler and eventually became the Witch-Beato we see in previous games, so the question right now is why (being abandoned after being promised help in your worst moment and then coming back at the worst possible time... Featherine explicitly points out 6 years = a thousand years. Erika tries to do a threatening badass entrance.... and starts coughing horribly. I am team Erika I feel bad for her.

Erika solves all of Maria's puzzles and makes everyone uncomfortable by trying to show off to everyone by solving literally children's puzzles.... haha Erika is so fucking funny on replay man it's so obvious she's just kind of struggling really hard to seem like a genius and to prove herself to Bernkastel.... I feel really bad for her like I know she's kind of evil but like.... i want the best for her. In Erika's perspective, this is like, they think they are surprised at her intelligence. but it's so obvious their reaction is more like "You are overthinking it, idiot, that answer doesn't make any logical sense you literally had to invent magic cheese for the answer"

Erika prompts conversation about the Witch portrait, Jessica points out a bit confusedly that the butterflies and scorpions are carry-overs from the Akujikima spirit stories. They point out that Kinzo started the Beatrice mentions way before the portrait. Feels like a Beatrice-Timeline refresher. This is when Beato and Beato meet btw. They start talking about how 'Beatrice' existed before the mission to serve Battler and before the portrait even. Again, more Beatrice-Timeline/History refresher.

Shannon points out Beatrice stole her stuff haha - shows Beatrice is both the excuse for Sayo's mistakes and also her power fantasy and excuse when playing pranks on others.

Ange talks about how Sakutarou is mass-produced here and how there's good magic and bad magic... Featherine kind of chides her for having a simplistic view of magic. Oh narration haha..... yeah Erika can own 1000 kids in an argument I am sure hahahaa.

Erika who is Definitely a Serious and Scary Threat then proceeds to be so proud of herself for owning a literal 9-year-old child and preventing anyone from butting in. Dlanor is like "are you serious rn" godddd..... Erika is so good.

There's something kind of sad about Erika saying she knows detectives won't be accepted anywhere and afterwards Shannon and George trying to understand her, I think.

George reveals he is an incel and the one to remember Battler's sin is.... George. Shannon gets obviously flustered at the fact he of all people remembered that.... Ange talks about how she finds guys like George creepy and deluded about women, hahaaha. The dagger that him changing the subject to children must have been for her....

Sayo immediately begins not saying much and just saying yes. over and over.... feels like she is basically disassociating away from this conversation honestly.

"...Erika thought she felt touch of pity in his gaze, and she averted her eyes uncomfortably" when talking about love, Battler starts pitying Erika in this chapter as opposed to last chapter where she was just kind of demonized by him, I think it shows how his perspective towards other people has changed... I do think Erika is a very pitiable person.

Everyone just kind of shrugs and accepts what Erika says haha. Like yeah, obviously ghost stories mix up together, Erika, a bit rude to mention it, though. And no one wants to be the one to tell her "Duh?"

The Beatrices talk about what each other was missing, kind of funny that the answer is "Sayo's decaying mental health and being given a bunch of money and bombs" but. Battler struggles some more with the Logic Error, and you get hints of future reds here.... reading these scenes makes me think about how Rika's time loops must have felt for her, just the feeling of nothing ever working and everytime you figure out something you get 20 other obstacles. This line is so sad jesus.... and the way Jessica affirms it makes me want to cry.

All the Ange interjections where it is shown Ange has the skill of Literacy are kind of funny.

Beatrice using the Golden Truth here is a pretty big hint into what it is. Something everyone agreed in the story to be true together.

Beato makes Battler cookies and he throws them away because of course. Denying this part of Beatrice is just as bad as denying any other part of Beatrice, Battler. Even Ange chastises him. Jesus christ I feel so bad for Beatrice. Ange wonders why Beatrice would "create a piece that loves Battler" instead of doing it herself.... well if you really liked someone and they harmed you in a way that you wanted to both keep your love and move on, what would you do? As much as I was mad at Battler this scene is really sad.... Battler really understands what she is doing now and is a crying mess when he thinks about it.

It is kind of interesting how Battler's relationship with Chick-Beato both mirrors and contrasts Kinzo-Beatrice. Kinzo was deluding himself into thinking his daughter was his lover, which ended up destroying her. Battler is deluding himself into thinking of her as his daughter and not a part of Beatrice, in order to be able to treat her better.

Zepar and Furfur give their introductions, I like them a lot, and they hammer down that only one of Kanon and Shannon can receive love. It's obvious everyone is playing the role of Sayo's internal thoughts rn. She thinks if anyone is to find out about her body the relationship will certainly, without a doubt, fail. Anything else is a miracle. She is completely trapped.

Jessica whinges a bit and finally kind of gets forced into the love duel and then Elder informs Chick that she is also part of the trial - haha considering this is probably representing a period of like 2 years before the trials, Sayo very much did not know Battler was going to come back and be included in here romance issues further! Erika's seal and room are rendered unusable by Battler and Erika... mentions wanting to have a smoke? Hahaha, that's kind of a cute visual. Dlanor mentions the emotion Erika seems to have from exposing magic isn't really a pleasure, Erika begins explaining about her past, and... haha that hit unexpectedly hard.... when you have found all the evidence that you are being lied to and gaslighted and you give the other person a chance to explain.... and they completely refuse and keep lying to you it really fucking hurts. I can't really blame Erika for thinking that loves causes you to see things that aren't there, there is a unique kind of fucked up harm that is suffered when you are lying to yourself for the sake of someone else and deep down, you know it.

Erika claims she is happy now that she's not tormented by nonred words, even though everything she does screens desperation and unhappiness....

Erika wishes she wasn't human, that she could use the red instead of having the blue gnaw at her heart, with no way to take them out.... but it's impossible to use the red, and so it's impossible to believe others. The fight between George and Eva starts right after and... Eva just asks George if he already fucked Shannon, jeez. And then she starts denigrating her parents which is.... ironic considering they are half sisters but anyway. George mentions how Eva only cares about what she wants for herself and Eva kind of goes apeshit, obviously being manipulative, but I do think Eva is doing what she thinks is best for George.... but her thinking of what is best is still fucked up, and it is based on what she thinks would be good, not considering anyone else's, especially not the person she's trying to control, opinions.

George is pretty ruthless (and correct) here about how his entire life has been controlled by Eva for her own ambitions and his own will crushed.... if he knew that I sure would love if he would stop hammering on Battler and Jessica how much They Nedd to Respect and Love Their Parents No Matter What... trying to quash others from reaching a necessary step into self-realization in order to appear as the Mature Wise ones. No wonder the symbolism used when describing this is a spider-web trapping George - his schedule sounds incredibly fucking hellish and crushes any opportunity for a kid to be a kid. It's not really a surprise he came out of it with weird ideas about socialization and women. The way Eva mentions having to see him while studying is really kind creepy and crushing. Not even when reading the damn book Eva wanted him to read was he allowed privacy.

"Both you and I.... need to leave our childhood days behind." It is interesting to acknowledge Eva's childhood trauma after this scene. George is probably aware since I doubt Eva wouldn't mention it.... I think it shows a kind of determination in George to both acknowledge the way his mother has been hurt while not letting that get in the way of looking out for himself. George takes the One-Winged Eagle staff, which represented Eva's dreams, and crushes it out of existence.

"He would intentionally spark jealously between women and revel in the harem, lapping up their flirting". It is kind of sad that this was probably one of the first times Kyrie experienced love, and that she already had an awful home life.... They were both in college and probably pretty young when they met, and Rudolf's antics are pretty much abusive. It's not really a surprise that after decades of having someone as volatile as Rudolf as a partner, she ends with murderous jealously.

....Kyrie says that Asumu acted as a total airhead who would NEVER talk about anything serious with Rudolf, but from the description Battler gives of her liking mystery and solving mysteries and stuff that's not really the impression I get. I think Kyrie's coping about the fact they had emotional intimacy.

Also, I uh, doubt she was afraid of vehicles as a lie as well. Asumu wasn't dumb like Kyrie perceived her at first but I doubt she was a huge mastermind as well, that's just Kyrie;s hatred and need to take away blame from Rudolf talking., Oh you are so wrong Kyrie, So wrong. It's really obvious how much resentment Kyrie has towards Rudolf by now. I can see why she saw his death as a way to start anew in EP7.

This is what Kyrie says to herself but it is absolutely not true, in reality, nothing changed, it was not fate, Kyrie's lack of ability to give birth nor Asumu's smarts that caused what happened to Kyrie; it was Rudolf and Rudolf's own actions alone that did that.

Kyrie's way of viewing love is so twisted and sad. She thinks any love that isn't constantly monitored and watched over 24/7 will always leave, it will be stolen. The only way to keep love alive is not let it have any room of escape.... it's not hard to see why she would think that after being stuck with a man who would betray her in any way possible if out of her sight for 5 minutes. It's so sad seeing this to me. How she doesn't only see any alternatives but thinks any alternatives don't EXIST anywhere in the world. It is not very different from how people who have been abused for many years assume all love must be as painful and fucked up as the one they have.

Kyrie is telling all of these to Jessica because she doesn't want Jessica to end up in the hell of regret she had for 18 years when Asumu was chosen over her - though truthfully her hell started when she met Rudolf and never ended.

There is something about how Jessica had to basically be couched into agreeing into this kind of destructive love, unlike George who agreed into it immediately. Sure it could just be because Jessica isn't as serious as George about their relationship.... but I do think Jessica probably has a healthier view of love than George does. Jessica does seem to believe that love is a mutual thing you can both grow from George uh, kind of doesn't seem to care much about Shannon's internal world and kind of sees her as just kind of a representation of his improvement and kind of as a conquest over Battler. Not that Jessica doesn't have a problem of thinking she has the answers to problems she has barely thought of, though. Haha, in magic Kyrie dies when Jessica acknowledges how fucked up her view of love is. I am glad she has the realization of how fucked up controlling love can be, and I will say that the fact life hasn't fucked up their view of things so much is something refreshing about the cousins compared to the adults....

[artofjim]

5 Years of Drawing: Part 1

Originally posted on ko-fi.com/artofjim

July marks 5 years since I started learning art and drawing every day.  As they say, time flies when you're having fun, and time has really flown!   I want to use this blog post to reflect on some things I've learned, look at some old work and compare it to current, and emphasize my gratitude for all of the support I've received in the last half decade.  This is a long one so I'm breaking it into 3, but it should give you a ton of insight into my journey as an artist that brought me here today, and hopefully help you carve out your own path!

Before July of 2018, I would occasionally get it in my head that I wanted to draw.  This would be prompted by seeing some cool art online, or needing a way to pass the time on trips.  I'd spend money on new sketchbooks and tools, and doodle for a weekend in them.  That would be that, and my sketchbooks would sit until the next time I felt like drawing again, which was no more than a few times a year.  I had a little natural talent at copying proportion and detail, but there was no methodology to my picturemaking and I relied heavily on replicating others' art.  Because of the inconsistent schedule and lack of interest in learning,  I usually say I started drawing after all of that.  Here's some sketches from before 2018.

This is a direct rip of Nate Van Dyke, with a couple additions of my own. 2014?  I learned about ink and decided that was the only medium I wanted to work in.

Around the same time. Every artist has been here at some point, I think. I found some photo portraits of homeless people on pinterest probably and took it upon myself to draw them. Lots to unpack there but we should move on (please we must move on oh God). Again, I wasn't trying to learn, I was just copying photos and other art with no rhyme or reason to it, and very rarely.  I just loved that kick when people would look at it and say it was good.

2018

In 2018 I was working in Tacoma and there was a great little book store called Culpepper's across the street.  Jerry Culpepper had ran that store for decades, and had no great love for comics.  As a result, anytime he got graphic novels in, he'd hide them in an unorganized shelf and price them way, way down.  This was also true of artbooks, but I wasn't interested in those (yet). Jerry and I had an amicable relationship, with him busting my chops about the coffee shop I worked at being too expensive, and myself ironically bringing him free drip on my breaks.  I remember him going into great detail explaining how "Black Panther was absolute shit! Waste of my time seeing that film!"  I probably went in there once a week and dug around, spending tip money on anything that looked interesting while Jerry peered down at the titles with a furrowed brow.  My love for comics started at this time, and some of the first graphic novels I bought were from Jerry Culpepper. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman and A Small Killing, both written by Alan Moore, and drawn by Kevin O'Neill and Oscar Zarate, respectively (a great place to start, if you ask me!).

Still have them!  Jerry always priced books with pencil on the first page.  He'd usually charge me at least 30% less than this, and shave off sales-tax if  I paid cash.

I bought so many comics and bothered Jerry so often that he started giving me stuff for free (again, he had no interest for comics and was intent on filling his store with civil war history and first edition antiques). I'd pay $20 and walk out of there with an armful of graphic novels, video game concept art, Japanese editions of collected Ukiyo-E plates, published artist sketchbooks, and all sorts of odd things I wouldn't normally look for. That's the beauty of local used book stores, you cannot predict what's waiting in there for you.   Those early Culpepper finds were, and still are, very influential to me. I dig through my bookshelf for them regularly.  I think it's very important for creatives to have a personal, physical collection of things that inspire and interest them, because they will bury into your style way more than temporary online influences.

"Culpepper Books: here you'll find a man struggling to get the hell home with as much money and few books as possible before he retires" -Jerry, during his last week of business when I asked him for a caption

In late-2019, Jerry Culpepper got an offer to end his lease early from a big developer and decided to retire right as the pandemic started to hit, which was definitely the right decision for him.  While writing this, I searched his name to see if I could find his online collection, and learned that he passed away in 2022 at the age of 70.  Here is his obituary if you'd like to learn more about my old friend at the bookstore who impacted my life more than I could have realized at the time. https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/tribnet/name/gerald-culpepper-obituary?id=32332566

My last purchase from Jerry

Now that I was reading comics a lot, I became hip to Jim Lee, comic art superstar of the early 90s known for his work on X-Men, Punisher: War Journal, and countless other titles soon after.  Jim Lee streams on Twitch, and one day in July I popped in to watch purely out of curiosity and ended up following along with his live tutorial drawing Wolverine. There's a recording of this tutorial here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wxoH_eZgrw I had never had drawing explained to me in the analogous way that Jim Lee did.  Much of the concepts he was demonstrating are very fundamental no-brainers to me nowadays, but back then, despite drawing off and on my whole life, I had never been exposed to them.  I specifically remember him relating the teeth to a can of soup, and the triceps muscles to parallel canoes.  This was mind blowing to me, and sparked an obsession that is still roaring to this day. Here's my results from drawing along with Jim Lee that day.

A little heavyhanded on the spot blacks there, Jimbo...

Even though the idea of using simple forms like soup cans and canoes had been demonstrated so brilliantly by Jim Lee, I immediately went back to my old ways of rote copying.  Only now, I was doing it for a few hours a day.  I also started streaming art on Twitch during this time, and I'm amazed anyone watched because I was completely directionless.I was reading a lot of Frank Miller and the interest in ink was renewed, and I would just copy things straight out of comics, line-by-line.  I didn't have the tools or direction to study in a more meaningful way, so I just copied and copied and copied, with no real improvement besides hand-eye coordination, and my ability to copy from image to paper.Jim Lee had also mentioned Bridgman, and I found a copy of his big book at Culpepper's and copied a few pages (poorly) before giving up. 

Notes?? Why would I write down anything from the book?  This is drawing!!  Sarcasm aside, this was the extent of it.  Whatever concepts I pulled from it, I didn't cement with mileage so it was all for not.  Granted, Bridgman is not beginner friendly at all.

I also took part in Inktober for the first time in 2018, and actually attempted concept creation.  I knew I was bad at drawing heads, so I decided I would twist every prompt into a helmet of some kind.  Strange method.  You can view the completed pieces here, if you really want to: https://www.instagram.com/p/BokqcKngdlz/

2019

In 2019, I began to become invested in history, and really enjoyed drawing historical garb.  Japan especially grabbed my interest, and I bought tons of books about it from Jerry.  I'm surprised I didn't try to copy more Japanese  art, especially Hokusai's ink sketches.  I was filling sketchbooks regularly by now, still just copying for the most part, and getting a little better at it!  When I look back at those sketchbooks now, there's a  common "Jim" thread present even if I wasn't being very original.  I want to point out that I don't think there's anything wrong with copying references, ever, but especially as a beginner artist.  The way I was doing it, though, was from a limited perspective: drawing straight to final linework and not considering anything but the 2-d image.  I wish I had pursued fundamentals more, and varied my tools, but I just didn't have exposure to those things.  I was still wielding a brush pen like a club on every drawing, and using expensive markers that bled through the page.

I learned about Karl Kopinski, and some of the other star artists from Super Ani, and didn't know about all of the mileage and proper practice between where I was and where they were, so I tried to just do what they were doing. Of course, KK appealed to my interest in historical costume, and I copied a bunch of his drawings in my sketchbooks. I also dug into Sergio Toppi, attracted to his painterly hatching and masterful ink compositions, and learned about Moebius. I picked up a Final Fantasy 1-7 artbook for $10 (thanks Jerry) with tons of drawings by Yoshitaka Amano in it, and tried to match his watercolors with my bleeding Copic markers. Because there was no method to my drawings beyond copying mark-by-mark, there was an element of luck involved that decided the success of each drawing. The artmaking journey, then, was just chasing that next lucky winner drawing, which is not sustainable long term! Sure, I might get lucky more often as I copied more accurately, but I wouldn't know why, and I had no lens to understand what made an image work.

Toppi copy

One of the lucky drawings

Kopinski copy

Amano copies.  Notice the difference in quality between the Toppi samurai above and these; this is the element of luck I'm referring to.  There was no repeatable process, just diving into the final lines and gambling on it.

Beyond that, I wanted to create, not replicate.  I would watch Karl Kopinski, Kim Jung Gi, and Peter Han create worlds on the spot, with no reference, and have no idea how to accomplish that.  I figured it was my poor visualization ability holding me back.  All I thought mattered was drawing a lot, and drawing a variety of things.  I would stream on Twitch and take requests to draw anything anyone wanted for ten minutes.  I drew 20 different outfits from the Camp-themed Met Gala.  I drew video game characters, Power Rangers, cartoons, and Kermit the Frog smoking a blunt.  Occasionally, I'd try to draw people and places from life. 

My first ever POV sketch

I knew that clothing was something academics studied,  so I "studied" some drapery as well! All that meant for me was copying, line by line, a few reference photos.  I downloaded Autodesk Sketchbook, a free drawing program, and tried my hand at digital art.   If I wasn't just attempting photocopying, I did try my hand at some imaginative work, with a degree of realistic rendering. Here's those paintings, just so we can compare to my current paintings later.

I would paint over Bill Sienkewicz sketches, this is one of those

This funny little fellow is a Japanese God, Fukurokuju. The drapery is looking especially mushy.

In mid-2019, I decided I would challenge myself to making a comic for Inktober.  I was very naive, but still took a lot of time planning for it before October started.  I scripted out the pages, did some character "designs," and even  worked on turnarounds.  My thought was that if I took the time to figure out what a character would look like from any angle, I could just use that as reference when I needed it.  This is true, and how animators do it,  but I created this sheet by smashing together references and finding an image for every expression and angle I could need.  I also sculpted the main character's head so I could use it as reference.  I had not rediscovered the power of "form" yet, despite Jim Lee's great tutorial that started all of this, and the literal sculpted 3d form sitting on my desk.

Here's a few pages of my Inktober comic, Dog Days.  I made it 13 pages in and burned out super hard, since I was working full-time still and spending at least 8 hours a day on the pages.  The cyst on my wrist got massive and I was not sleeping at all.  I took a break for a few days to go on a trip and just never came back to it.  Surprisingly, I haven't ever experienced a burnout since then.

If you're interested in checking out the other 11 pages, they're available to Ko-Fi Members for $4.50/month, along with my other comics.

For my first comic, I am extremely proud of that work.  There's a sort of energy that is now inhibited by experience and judgment.  I was fearless and committed to every page, because I had no idea how long it would take me or what challenges I might face.  I  don't think I will or should ever finish it, because I cannot replicate that vibe.

I returned to drawing a few weeks after the burnout and dove back into Japanese historical drawings, becoming obsessed with the photos of Felice Beato, who brought photography to Japan right as it modernized.  Some coworkers of mine were my first ever commissioners, asking for some work relevant to what I was already studying.  The first was a family portrait taken in the early 1900s.  The second was a 6 panel piece on the history of Taiko drumming.  I think they spent more on the frame then what I charged them for the piece, which is hilarious to me now.   I also experimented with some blacklight ink and collage, which was a nice change from all the inking I did in October. 

I did these on expensive Awagami rice paper with ultra-archival Noodler's fountain pen ink.  I was fooling myself into thinking that expensive materials were necessary for any sort of "professional" work, and that they would elevate it.  In the end, it just made the process nerve-wracking and left no margin for error.

I will continue with years 2020 and 2021 in my next post to keep this one from getting any longer!  Follow my Ko-Fi to get  notified via email when that comes out, or tune into my social media: https://linktr.ee/artofjim

If you'd like to support my art career and get some goodies in return, become a Ko-Fi Member in exchange for art in the mail every 6 months, monthly giveaways, access to my comics, discounts in my shop, and more.  Starts at $4.50/month, goes up for better rewards. https://ko-fi.com/artofjim/tiers  Thank you to all of my members, past and current, for enabling me to pursue my greatest interest in life more comfortably. 

[sentient-rift]

Star Crossed Gamers Part 1

(A Late Valentine's Day Special Drabble.)

Continued from here and here

"Yo! Nana!"

Not seeming to care that he's technically on enemy territory, Teseo called out to the love of his life, who was sitting at one of the dining tables of the Item Creation Shop. Oddly enough, no one was acting surprised that he showed up, let alone hostile.

"Oh. Hello, Teseo."

She greeted him like an old friend. (Despite her eyes glued to her game as she greeted him, it still felt so genuine.) Sure, they've played online videogames together, but being on opposite sides of the Multiverse War, they should be acting like enemies, right? Teseo wasn't going to complain, though. In fact, he doubt he'd be able to stand his dream girl being antagonistic towards him. But Nana... She was one in a million. The Hacker Adept sometimes wondered if this girl even knew the concept of what an enemy was.

"So... U mind if I sit here...?"

"Not at all. Go ahead."

Boy, this was still hard to get used to. Is Nana literally the nicest person in the world? Was she even human? As his thoughts were running through his head, a certain Aqua Navi appeared.

"Hello, sir. Can I interest you in a Cyber Slushy, blip?"

Cyber Slushy? That sounded dope! Was it like a slushy made of data or something? With abilities like Teseo's that sounded like something up his ally.

"Sure, little guy," Teseo answered, "You have a Lemon Lime flavor?"

"We sure do, blip," the fish bowl headed Navi said, "Will that be your order?"

"Yep! That sounds good!"

"Very well. I'll be right back, blip."

Funny. He's treated like a customer rather than an enemy. Yet, it didn't seem as weird when the Aqua Navi acted kind. Maybe it's because he cared about how Nana thought of him much more than everyone else.

"So, uh..." Teseo was a bit awkward with speaking to Nana, "I really wanted to thank you for the new computer. I actually got attacked by some jerk who calls themselves 'HorrorHacker.' They completely destroyed my old computer because of that..."

"I remember Slur saying something about that some time ago," Nana said, still in the conversation while playing her Game-Girl Advanced, "You even said they made Sync crush your speakers."

"Oh! You remembered that!"

Nana nodded. Teseo was surprised she actually payed attention even back then. They haven't started playing online games together until like... Around a week later when he stumbled upon her and Elise in a game of Lazy Kingdom. What were the odds of that? But then again, she remembered his name when they introduced themselves, but he just assumed Elise or Gunvolt told her who he was since they had a history together.

"I'm glad you like the computer, Teseo. Welch sells almost everything here, and she really knows her computers. She promised it was the best multipurpose computer you can find."

"Really?" Teseo asked, "#SWEET!🍬 But... How did you afford such a computer? I know the owner is part of the team and all, but I doubt she'd just give it to you..."

"I work here part time," Nana answered, "Many of us do. And the pay is very good, and I was working here for awhile now. It wasn't difficult raising enough money for your computer. Plus, Welch loves giving discounts, and being an employee helps."

If it weren't for the fact that he was on the enemy team, Teseo would have considered getting a job here as well. But then again, turning the money in ATM machines into data and placing it in his computer, only to turn it back to physical money when he gets home was faster and easier. Definitely less moral, though, which he didn't really care too much about until meeting Nana. Better not tell her that he makes money by stealing from ATM machines just to make sure it doesn't ruin this oddly good relationship.

Around that time, the water Navi came with his drink.

"Here you are, sir," the Navi said with a smile, "Enjoy, blip!"

After the little water dude left, Teseo took a sip from his straw. Definitely one of the most flavorful slushies he ever tasted. He wouldn't have even guessed it was made of data. Not even he could make a data slushy this good, and his Septima is literally turning physical objects into data and vice versa. Of course, he wasn't really a chef or anything, so maybe that's why.

"I was afraid I wouldn't be able to play videogames with you," Teseo said, "I kind of need my computer for that. Maybe I ought to actually pick up some game consoles or something..."

"That's not a bad idea," said Nana, "You could even increase your library of games that way. There are many that are exclusive to certain consoles."

Nana sure knew how to multitask. Despite her eyes being glued to her game, she was also listening to Teseo intently. She never had to tell him that she missed something or ask him to repeat himself. She always knew how to respond.

"Sooooo..." Teseo wanted to keep the conversation going as an excuse to stay longer, "What 'cha playin'?"

"Gala-Omega," Nana answered, "It's one of my favorite ga..."

She suddenly stopped, her smile disappearing.

"...It was... Chiaki Nanami's favorite game. It's only mine because of her memories. I wonder if I'd have even liked videogames if everyone's memories of her didn't enter the Neo World Program, and I didn't take her form..."

"Wait... Neo World Program?" Teseo was beginning to put two and two together, "Does this mean... You're an A.I. copy of this Chiaki Nanami person?"

Nana nodded. This was a little surprising for Teseo to hear. From Dark Mega's intel, and from the fact that RiFT had similar abilities to Slur, this pocket dimension allows anyone to enter, whether they're people or programs. It was an easy mistake to think she was one of the humans since she looked like a normal person rather than a program. If Teseo was any other Adept, this would have served as a problem for him. But with his ability to turn physical people and objects into data and vice versa, it was no problem. In fact, it was perfect! He could date her in both the real world and the digital world without a problem... So long as she said yes anyway...

Wait a minute... She was an A.I., and he was a master hacker. If he really wanted to, Teseo could just hack her mind and reprogram her to love him! He could get his dream girl super easy without worrying about being rejected, and...

...

No... He couldn't do that... Not to her. Teseo may not be the best person in the world. In fact, he was on the villain team of the Multiverse War. Just because it sounds fun and could help him turn the universe into a giant videogame he could play for his amusement. There were many bad things he's done for his amusement or his benefit. But taking away the free will of this wonderful girl, A.I. or not, was going too far. Plus... It wouldn't be worth it if she didn't genuinely love him back...

There was an awkward silence between the two afterwards. Maybe having her remember the girl she's based on was a sensitive subject or something. From how she put it, Nana's memories comes from the memories of this Chiaki girl... Or was it more like her memories came from how Chiaki's friends remembered her. Nana may have given herself a new name, but does that truly mean she was truly a separate person from from Chiaki, or was she still Chiaki 2.0 despite the new name. Did she feel like her life wasn't really hers? That her memories wasn't really hers? That everyone on RiFT's team only saw Chiaki, and not Nana?

"...You're Nana to me," Teseo said.

"Huh...?" Nana asked, finally looking at Teseo instead of her game.

"I may have never met the real Chiaki before, but I don't think it matters. The person who joined RiFT's team was Nana, not Chiaki. So what if you like similar things to her? I don't think that means you can't be Nana."

The gamer girl just looked at Teseo, blinking a couple of times while she did.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. That was super cheesy..."

"No... That's not it," Nana said, "I just..."

Nana fell silent again.

"...Thank you, Teseo," she finally said, "Ever since I became Nana... I found myself wanting to be my own person rather than just a Chiaki copy as the days went by. When I discovered that the Chiaki of my dimension was still alive and was happy with all her friends... And especially with Hajime... I felt a sense of relief that she survived... But I also realized that with her around, there was no reason for me to be a replacement Chiaki anymore. They all had the real Chiaki... And I'm just an A.I. that looks and kind of acts like her... With a few difference here and there, apparently..."

"See! There you go!" Teseo cut in, "If you were really just Chiaki 2.0, you would act exactly like her. But you just admitted to having a few difference. That's more than enough to make you a different person from her!"

Wow. This was the first time Teseo ever gave anyone a pep talk. It's a bit weird when you're usually known for trolling people. It's even weirder that he met someone he would never troll in his life.

"And plus," Teseo continued, "Despite looking just like her and sharing her hobbies, can Chiaki say that she got to team up with a bunch of super people like Adepts and Net Navis?"

Nana blinked before giving Teseo a smile. It was a small smile, but a beautiful one nonetheless.

"I guess not..." she said, "What's more, many of my friends on this team are videogame characters in my dimension. Chiaki would consider this a dream come true if she were here instead of me."

Teseo honestly wasn't surprised about that information. Especially since he saw some Pokemon on Nana's team, and he occasionally played Pokemon Go. He began to wonder if he was a videogame character in some dimensions. Who knows? Maybe in an ironic twist, the Chiaki girl and Nana were videogame characters in different dimensions as well. The Multiverse was a vast and strange place after all.

...

Boy. As simple as this was, it was really nice to be able to sit and talk with Nana in person. But at the same time, something about it didn't feel right. Specifically, he didn't feel like he deserved this nice moment with a girl his team may have to kill to win the Multiverse war. Part of him was glad to have finally met his dream girl, but another part of him felt like he should have never met her.

"Hey, Nana," Teseo said, "I really need to ask..."

But before he could finish, his communicator went off, and an angry Slur was on the other end.

"TESEO!!" Slur shouted, "The Dreadnought was attacked, and you're over on the enemies side because of a childish crush?!"

"Hey!" Teseo shouted back, "I'm here thanking Nana for the new computer she gave me! It's called being grateful!"

"Hah! Since when did a troll like you started acting like a gentleman?! But that doesn't matter right now. We need you back here this instant!"

"Can't I just have five more minutes...?"

"THIS INSTANT, TESEO!! You're already on thin ice for being friendly with the enemy when I repeatedly told you not to! You better believe there will be a punishment for you soon enough!"

Teseo smirked when he heard the words "soon enough."

"...You couldn't come up with a punishment you could actually give me, could you?"

"SHUT UP AND GET BACK HERE!! Slur shouted, "NOW!!"

"Sure thing, MOM," Teseo cheekily replied.

Teseo could hear Slur letting out an annoyed scream before he hung up on her. He had a big smile on his face after trolling the big bad leader like that, but that smile quickly vanished the moment he realized he had to leave Nana. And without finishing his question, too."

"Sorry. I have to go," Teseo said, "Mommy dearest is calling."

"I understand," Nana said, as her eyes went back to her videogame, "I'll see you later."

"Yeah..." said Teseo, "#C U LATER. 👋"

Teseo got up from his chair and began to go on his way.

"And Teseo... Don't be a stranger."

That surprised the Adept a bit. If he didn't know any better, it was as if Nana was trying to say that he really wants to see him again. Not knowing how to respond, Teseo just nodded and continued on his way.

"Somehow... Someway... I'll repay your kindness to me, Nana."

To be continued...

[worrywrite]

As someone that got tracked, that was raised hyper-conservative, but was actually really good at breaking the trackers and computer monitoring software and stuff. I made a hard left turn in college. I thought it was a sort of universal experience that when your parents did that sort of thing you went into the source code and took the program's brains out like a mortal Kombat finisher and left the outside looking functional. I thought everyone was a rebel because how could you experience that amount of control and not be furious?

But no. Apparently this fell within that weird internet literacy gap. There was a short period where people my age (late 20s early 30s) were growing up with the modern internet. We remember when our friend told us about a website that their friend heard about from their older sibling at college (Facebook/Myspace). We remember someone saying "all you have to do is go to this website called Google dot com and type in "cheats for video game" and it will take you to any page that has that. We saw the internet as it was and saw it becomes what it is now. We saw enough to know what we were starting to lose and it was infuriating.

But younger folk now only knew what we have now and the worst that is yet to come. They don't know how to do things on desktop, they don't know how to find the anarchist's cookbook (or whether they should), they don't know about how to erase themselves from the internet, or how to talk to people online without being watched by their parents and the corporations they pay for access to that.

It's so bad that most don't even know that that's an option.

I feel bad for my oldest niece who just got her first cell phone. My sibling is well enough off that I just know that there isn't a single thing my niece can do on that phone that her mother won't know about. And I also know there probably won't be any kind of conversation about boundaries or appropriate use of the phone. My niece will not be able to talk to boys, she will not be able to use unmoderated social media, she won't be able to download most apps and probably will never know you can download third party apps, and she will grow up basically in a virtual cage and have no idea how people actually can use the internet until she's 19 and in college. And even then, the chances of her having a device her parents can't check in on is slim. She will probably never, and I mean never, actually know what independence feels like. Or privacy.

here's my hot take about my generation and people younger than me (I'm 22 years old)

The reason current teenagers and people in their really early 20s are conservative on accident and have such shitty takes on the internet is because our generation was much more sheltered than previous generations and because we were raised to be ok with orwellian servailence and that is 100% the fault of our parents, Reagan Era kidnapping panics, and the rise of technology all coming together to prevent us from doing the sketchy shit that sends parents into panic mode but which is also completely fundemental to childhood development. If your parents had even a crumb of money to their name and even a shred of free time they started tracking your phone as soon as it was possible to. I did not experience this because my parents are actively trying to live like it's the 1990s and still have not gotten cell phones of their own, and did not let me have one until I was 18 years old and it was no longer their choice, but literally over half of my friends in middle and high school had their phones tracked by their parents at some point or other, and we would occasionally find this out, not because their parents told them, but when we were trying to do the aforementioned sketchy shit and their parent's car would pull up. And I would, like a reasonable person after finding this out, encourage my friends to just leave their phones at home, and their response would be "What if I get kidnapped" or "My parents are just trying to keep me safe"

This in my estimation has lead to a combination of kids being terminally online because they do have internet access and are better at deleting search history than their parents think they are, but don't have the freedom to go out and do shit without their parents' knowledge or consent, so they have the most privacy from the people who control their lives while they're on the internet, and kids not having the real world experiences they should have, not knowing how to connect with other people irl, not feeling comfortable leaving the house because of the horror story lies their parents told them to make them ok with the surveillance they were inflicting on their kids. Kids these days are growing up in the fucking panopticon when they should be out in the woods playing with knives or stealing cigarettes from their older sibling and going out to an empty parking lot to smoke them or whatever and that shit is sticking with them into adulthood. Things that were "tee hee we could get in trouble isn't this so fun and daring" in the 1990s and 2000s have become in the 2010s and 2020s things that are "If I do that without texting my parents some sort of lie to excuse where my location is my parent's car will pull up and I will get grounded for the next two weeks."

Like even when I was 19 I had a 16 year old friend who would volunteer their time at a food shelf and that's how we knew each other. We would talk about dungeons and dragons together, and the game store was 4 blocks from the food shelf. One day we left the food shelf earlier than they had told their parents they would and they got punished for that. We were literally just going to look at dungeons and dragons miniatures and dice, which was self evident if you could see where we started and how far we walked and where too. I have to assume that this isn't uncommon. It's wrong, but it's not uncommon.

[sociomi]

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[cryptometaphor]

So we were on the go'mmunist stream and of course imma defend Sarah even when we all know I'm a cynical liberal lol

Boomer: Capitalism made your iphone (ACP reeees)

Sarah: No... Labor made the iphone. Isms just determine who gets paid for it.

Boomer: You get paid to work unless you live in China

ACP admin: You don't know shit about China

Sarah: The labor theory of value even states plainly wage is theft. A fraction of the worth of the goods and services is paid for to us only bare minimum while the rest goes to thieves

Me: Based

Sarah: Hon not now lol

Me: I mean under communism iphones wouldn't even be a thing

Boomer: Exactly

Me: AND HERE'S WHY THAT'S A GOOD THING

ACP Admin: Oh boy lol

Boomer: Yeah yeah I've heard you talk before. You hate moderators and getting banned

Me: No bitch, you don't get it. Technology as you interact with it would be completely different. Sarah is arguing the labor theory of value, I'm arguing a different Marxist point: Material conditions. Conditions determine the culture, the setting, and future of technology. Tech is a big part of my tisms. The Soviets had their own set of home computers and mostly focused on stock trades, columns, and calculations. You wouldn't have video game and social media slop as the foundation of your tech.

Boomer: So what you're saying is communists hate fun. We're still agreeing.

Me: I'm saying that things would be totally different. Like I've theorized of an intronet North Korea plays around with and was experimented with in the 80s. Localized internet. That's how your Gameboys used to work. This wouldn't compromise billions of user data nor leave any reason to track them. Thus if you value privacy and free speech, that'd be the way to do it.

Sarah: Get him babe!

Me: Furthermore the cost would be pennies. I remember when internet was ten dollars a year because dialup was so slow to crank up but once I was online, a little drizzle outside didn't fuck it up, it didn't suddenly crash unless someone picked up the phone to call, it worked practically. Communism does advocate practical usage. Capitalism should do if it was founded on the basis of profit or convenience. But it's not. It's just humiliation, annoyance, and Jews.

ACP Admin: Was the Jew part necessary lol

Boomer: Well than get a different provider

Me: You dumb bitch you didn't listen to a word I said. Systemically it's this way. It's designed to be bad. It's designed with the intention in mind "we hate you, we want you to die, but not before you work your ass off." Thing is: I hate you, I want you to die, you're fucking stupid. And now you're gonna pay me crypto for being so stupid. I expect 200 XRP by the end of this stream.

Sarah: Don't you hate XRP?

Me: It went up like +720% do to some glitch

Sarah: Oh wow

Boomer: I ain't paying you shit

Me: Then get the fuck out of here boomer

Boomer: I thought you believe in free speech?

Me: You don't. So get the fuck out or pay me

Boomer: What does what I believe have or have not to do with...

Me: Don't care, you suck, your wife is a whore, go awau

Boomer: You can leave my wife out of this

Me: Your wife is ugly. Your kids are ugly too. Your dog is ugly and should be ran over. Pay me or gtfo

Boomer: YOU'RE A RUDE LITTLE TROLL

Me: gtfo

Boomer: You only talk this way because you're safely behind a monitor capitalism made

Me: Gtfo

Boomer: You wouldn't say this shit to my face

Me: Gtfo

Boomer: How'd you like it if I talked about your girlfriend that way? Sarah is ugly.

Me: I'd doxx you and people would be calling your house sexually harassing your gorilla wife. Gtfo.

Boomer: AND THAN I'D SUE YOU

Me: No you wouldn't. Gtfo

Sarah: lol!

Boomer: I... The fuck you mean no I wouldn't? Yes I would.

Me: No you wouldn't, you're dumb and don't know how, gtfo.

(boomer leaves)

Me: Fucking dumb ass

Sarah: Babe that was amazing

Me: You're amazing. Sarah: You are.

ACP Admin: Ya both are holding up half the sky lol

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 2000 I’m listening to the Titanic soundtrack as I type. So far, except for one song, it’s not all that great. It’s too classical for me. I also got a Madonna album that I had on tape that I wanted on CD and a Heart CD. This one is of them in concert and it’s pretty good.

I got up earlier today at 1:00. That’s because I fell asleep earlier last night. Was up till 5:00 instead of 7:00.

The latest battle to get the Bowflex is that they had to verify the number we gave them (what the fuck took them so long?). They say that’s the last step, but we’ll see. They claim they’re gonna ship it Monday, which means we should have it by Friday, but you know that they’ll have to call first to be led by the hand to the house cuz they’ll be too stupid to read a map and find it for themselves. Either that, or they’ll get it here OK, but the thing will be damaged or missing a part. Or maybe both of these things will happen. All I know is that it ain’t over yet. Since we can never just have something and pay for it with money, I know there’s more shit to go through to get the damn thing. Verifying a number doesn’t seem like it’d be enough in God’s eyes.

I guess we’re gearing up for a storm. It’s windy and cloudy out there, but I don’t know how much rainfall we’ll actually get. Probably not much. You usually don’t get much out here till the monsoons hit.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29, 2000 I was going to write this during bingo intermissions, but sometimes I don’t want to be interrupted every two minutes and I just want to write straight through.

They let me sleep till 2:30 today, so maybe I can flip my schedule.

It’s so beautiful out right now, but still too warm to shut off the AC and open the windows. I wish we had a screened-in porch or even just a deck out front.

The fight for the Bowflex has officially begun. Tom called them today. They do ship UPS (and it should’ve gotten here by now) and we know they deliver out here because we’ve seen their trucks pass by, but they couldn’t check on our order because their computers were down. Yeah, I’m not the least bit surprised. With our shit luck, they’ll claim they never had an order for us when they finally do get their computers up and running.

TUESDAY, MARCH 28, 2000 Surprisingly, I got up at 11:30, even though I didn’t crash till around 5:30. I thought I’d sleep till 1:00 or 2:00, but I guess not.

The pinkies should be here by the 3rd, so about five more days to go.

Later…

Shit! They just now started up with their booming. There goes any hopes I had of flipping my schedule over and giving myself a break from the Melatonin. Not if I want to get woken up a few or more times a day. I’m just surprised they didn’t start at 9:30 and wake me up then. I knew they wouldn’t take a few months off like they did when we first bought the land and were in the trailer. Now that we’re here, they’ll never take that long off again.

Later…

Guess I was more tired than I thought. I ended up taking a three-hour nap.

I’m not as excited as I was before about the bingo games. They’re just too fixed and the odds of winning are about the same as the odds of winning millions in the state lottery. They don’t play till someone wins, either.

MONDAY, MARCH 27, 2000 I am in such a great mood! Today was just great!

First, the traffic wasn’t the nightmare it was the last time, second, the hygienist was sick, third, we saw Mom, and lastly, I found a wonderful slot machine game online to play, too. You build up tokens to turn into money. They even have real casinos online where you play with money for money.

When we got to the dentist, Trisha told me she tried to call me, and we asked her what number she had. She looked on her computer and read me the wrong number, but somebody’s got it somewhere, or else Melanie wouldn’t have called me before. Anyway, neither of us could remember the regular line’s number, so we gave her the cell number.

The doctor didn’t need to readjust my retainers, but he gave me more fluoride toothpaste at my request, and I don’t go back till June 20th.

At Mom’s, I played a little solitaire on Mary’s computer and Evelyn was baking pumpkin pie. She gave me some and said I looked like I lost a little weight and looked good. Well, these online games sure are a good way to keep my mind off of food!

We put special hinges on Mom’s bathroom door to make the door even with the wall so her walker can fit through it.

I’m writing in between games, and I love how a box pops up to tell me when the game’s started so I don’t have to keep checking.

I loved Mary’s wildflowers that she has at the side of her house. I was always hesitant about getting flowers cuz of the bees, but we’ve got enough bees as it is, so why not add a little color to the property, I said? So when we can, I want to get some flower seeds.

I don’t envy Mary for the neighbors she’s got across the street two houses or so down. They were white, and as far as I know, they are owners, but even so - there were a ton of kids and adults out playing basketball and screaming up a storm! I’d be miserable next to them. Those houses are about as old as our old one was and also have single-paned windows. At least Mary doesn’t have windows on the bedroom side of the house like ours did.

It was sooooo nice to not have to go back to that house and those Mexicans! Or blacks for that matter. Instead, I got to return to a quiet, beautiful new house!

We stopped at Circle K on the way home and again, my vibes about Jennifer being gone were reinforced by her not being there.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26, 2000 I am having sooo much fun today! Tom showed me how you can play bingo online for money. I haven’t won, naturally, but it’s fun anyway. Some games are for a few bucks, some for thousands. The only part of it that’s a bore is that they make you wait a couple of minutes or so in between games while they run their stupid commercials. I’m waiting for a game to start right now.

True to form, Paula did call this weekend, but only once. Early yesterday morning.

Also, Dan just couldn’t resist the urge to do a little engine-gunning earlier, but fortunately, it didn’t last too long.

I told Tom I wouldn’t be in the mood for sex this weekend, cuz I was bummed about Velvet’s dying. Not too bummed, though, cuz like I said, I love guinea pigs and they sound really neat, but they don’t do anything.

Back again. Got 2 minutes and 37 seconds before the next game starts. As I was saying, GPs just don’t do anything. They don’t have colorful tubes to run through, no wheels to run on, and they don’t run around and explore.

Butter Rum is definitely pregnant, and I think Oreo is, too. Butter Rum’s further along.

I made poor Tom move the den chair into the living room, but it looked stupid there, so the poor guy hauled it back into the den. Yes, having the chair out of the den really does open that room up and make it look bigger, but I like the chair in there better, cuz where I had it, separated that room from the kitchen. Without it there, the den and kitchen sort of blended in with each other.

Later…

Tomorrow’s my appointment to have my teeth cleaned, as well as to have the retainers adjusted, although this time around, they’re still fitting pretty snugly. Anyway, I am not looking forward to this appointment! I know I’m gonna have a ton of cavities!

It’s been two or three weeks now since there’s been peace up in the sky, and God do I pray for just one more week! I need to flip my schedule once and for all to reset it, and I need to take a break from the Melatonin. I’m becoming immune to it and it’s just not working like it used to. Tonight, so I can get to sleep sooner than 4:00 or 5:00, I’ll take a Benadryl. That should work. It’s just that I don’t want to risk staying up till 5:00, then being boomed awake at 9:30, if they’re gonna be flying again, on the day I have a long appointment. After the appointment, we’ll probably swing by to see Mom, who’s just a few minutes away.

FRIDAY, MARCH 24, 2000 Last night I told Tom about the critter I saw and he said it wasn’t a gopher, which is ugly. He said it’s a kangaroo rat, a desert animal I’ve never heard of before, and he showed me a picture of it online. They need almost no water to survive and basically live off of seeds.

Today, we went out and I showed him the hole where she lives and saw that she’d eaten the food I left her. I sprinkled some more of the animal’s food out for her, then we went back into the house. A few minutes later, we saw her running around. She almost came right up to the house. She came as close as the wash and Tom took a picture. It’s very hard to see any detail, but it’s the best picture yet. She’s a cutie, but not as cute as a regular rat. She doesn’t have the pointy nose that rats and mice have. Her head is a lot like a squirrel’s. She’s got a blunt nose like a squirrel and a guinea pig, and the tail isn’t like a rat’s. Rat’s tails are snake-like, but her tail is broad and flat. Tom said he isn’t sure, but it could be a type of groundhog, although definitely not a gopher. Even so, I’m still calling her Gophie.

This weekend I’m just gonna go ahead and talk to Paula when she calls, and she will call. The message I left her about calling on the 1st of every month is no doubt going to go in one ear and out the other. I left her a message last week, in case I forgot to say so, telling her we were getting a long-distance block put on so she won’t keep pestering me with her “call me” messages. I dropped hints, reminding her not to lose her phone and spend too much money if she’s expecting a pay cut, but we’ll see. I think she’s just gonna keep on ringing up her bill till she loses the phone. I’m amazed at how long it takes her to lose her phone each time around, though, cuz I know I’m not the only one she calls that’s long-distance, and if she’s really looking at only getting $600 a month, then she’ll have no choice but to cut her calls back. God tends to pamper these kinds of people, though. Meaning, I highly doubt, if she really gets cut back that much, that she’ll supplement herself by working. She’ll just have welfare make up the difference, and they’ll be glad to do it, too. As soon as they see someone with a kid come in there, they’re ready to hand out the world to them.

Later…

Still no sign of my outdoor friend. The food’s still out there, too. Maybe she really doesn’t live in the hole I thought she lived in. Anyway, rodents are more active at night. That’s when the food will get eaten, I’m sure.

In my final letter to Dureen and Art, I told them Mom moved in with a cousin cuz her daughter’s having health problems, and that I’d instructed all my relatives out here not to give them any info if they called. What I’m curious to see, though, is if Dureen will have the nerve to knowingly go against my wishes, just like she loves to do, and still send Mom a Christmas card to Mary’s house. See, I know she couldn't care less about Mom and sending her cards. She doesn’t send Tom cards, so why would she care more about her than Tom? It’s all to spite me. That’s all it is.

I have such mixed emotions about Tom. I always have and I know I always will. He’s given me so much, yet he’s taken so much, too. He’s given me a home, security, and the chance to do things I couldn’t do on my own. At the same time, I’ve given up a kid for him, I’ve given up the way I normally deal with those that fuck with me (neighbors/contractors), I’ve changed my clothing style for him, etc. Not that I can ever see myself returning to wanting a child (God, I hope not!) or that God would allow it, and not that I still have the body for the clothes I used to wear, but still, I feel like he’s robbed me of opportunities as well as brought me opportunities.

Later…

Wow! Last year it took me 117 pages to get from the New Year up to today’s date, and just 71 pages this year. There hasn’t been as much to write about since getting in the house, and there are certainly no Mexicans a few feet away to give spy reports on!

What a bummer to know that the freeloaders never read my mail. I highly doubt they’d read it before giving it to the cops. This must mean Larry never read my mail either, despite the bluff. And why would he? I wouldn’t read mail from him. If I got mail from him, I’d put it in the trash to be burned as soon as I knew it was from him, without reading a word. And his saying he sent copies to all kinds of people wouldn’t catch my interest either, cuz I wouldn’t care. Someone could send every single human being in this world a letter saying I’m a crazy asshole for all I care.

It’s no wonder Tom’s as tense and as serious as he is easygoing and relaxed. He is soooo neighbor-conscious! He totally regretted saying this to me cuz of how mad I got, but he told me to shut my office window if I was going to blast my music. He said he knows how much I hate it when others blast their music with the window open, and he certainly wouldn’t want to do things to others that he didn’t like done to him. First of all, when Dan blasts his music, it’s not through an open window. He’s taken the speakers outside. Also, I reminded him that if he wants to be all neighbor-paranoid, worship the ground they walk on, kiss their asses, cater to what he thinks they want, have his life revolve around them, and think the world of their opinions and feelings - fine. But that’s him and not me. I have no more respect for neighbors than they’ve had for me. I don’t give a shit if they can hear me in any way or what they think. As far as I’m concerned, I have no neighbors. They just don’t exist for me anymore. And if he’s so worried about what neighbors think, why is the property still trashed? He’s sending a message saying we’re slobs, which I think would make him want to cry. Or is he just rebelling against me? Is he trashing the outside because I demanded that he not trash the inside? Anyway, I’ll be damned if he’ll control me any more than he already has and try to make me into him. He’s not taking/changing another goddamn thing about me.

The ballerina doll I got at the casino never came with a stand, so I put one of the Giselle dolls stand on a 17” doll, and used that doll’s stand for this doll, which is a 14”. I’m glad I got that second Giselle doll, cuz I really fucked the first one up.

THURSDAY, MARCH 23, 2000 Last night it looked like the pig was dying, all thanks to me and my carelessness. Apparently, the bottle he had broke and he couldn’t get any water for God knows how many days, so he was weak and dehydrated. I put a different bottle in, but that one leaked, so now he’s back to a bowl, and I managed to get some water into him. I think he’ll be okay, although I have mixed emotions about that. Perhaps this is really mean of me, but sometimes I wish he didn’t exist. I’m kind of sick of guinea pigs these days, and he’s so lazy. All he does is sit there, taking up space and making more work for me.

Tom woke up really early yesterday at around 7:00, which left him five hours before he had to go to work. At one point I told him I knew having sex 2-3 times a week was overwhelming for him but did he want to screw tonight anyway? I feel obligated to offer, I guess. Sure enough, he flashed that amused grin. That pleased kind of grin that says, I was hoping you’d ask so I could tease you by turning you down (believe me, though. I wouldn’t feel teased). He didn’t quite turn me down, though. Although I figured he wasn’t in the mood to screw till the weekend, he suggested he go down on me. I forgot that a few days ago I had made a comment about getting off sometime soon as part of my let’s-give-Tom-a-taste-of-his-own-medicine routine. I figured if he was gonna lie and play games, so was I. It gets weird, though. The idea was to tell him I’d cum and make sure I didn’t. However, it felt so good that I wanted to cum, but couldn’t! There’s a simple explanation for it, though. I took care of myself earlier, not expecting him to go down on me. He insisted it was cuz he was out of practice, but he did a fine job.

Lately, I feel like he’s trying to face what he’s done to me over the years in his own way, not that he’ll change by asking that we use birth control or by cumming and not worrying about what risks it may hold. But in his own way, he does feel bad. He’s told me he feels bad and always will, but I know it’s worth it to him. He’d rather feel bad about it, then try to change it. Another thing that tells me he’s trying to own up to his bullshitting me over the years, is the fact that he’s done nothing to deny the things I’ve said lately, like how he never wanted a kid, etc. It’s like he’s quit denying it. Maybe that’s the best he can do to fess up to what he’s done because I sure as hell can’t imagine him ever coming out and bluntly admitting I was right about him and his fears all along. He’s too stubborn for that.

Tom’s gonna put in a sell order to sell some stock to pay bills with. Right now we’re pretty current, but he said we could fall behind.

Dan, Dennis, and Steven! I want to fucking smack you! They’re still affecting our lives! Fucking mother-fucking cocks! When that cock brother of mine had a plaque made up dedicating his business to Larry, one of the lines was: always with you, always with me. I could have it backward, but anyway, when I first read that in a picture Dureen sent me, the first thing that came to mind was - my God! That’s exactly how I feel about the freeloaders. They’re always with me and I’m always with them. Like it or not. I lived to get away from them or for them to get away from me. Well, this is how I feel about these cocks, too. We may not be fighting on the phone with them every day, pleading for them to do their fucking jobs, but even so, they’re still affecting us and they’re still a part of our lives. They’re always with us and we’re always with them. Maybe someday – someday - preferably this year, God will free us and our finances from these degenerate fucks.

Speaking of the freeloaders, I still have dreams about them every now and then, but it’s fine. As long as they’re not a few feet away from me, it’s fine. In the dream, we were still neighbors and we were getting ready to move in a couple of weeks. I was ignoring them and their shit, letting them wonder why they weren’t getting a reaction from me over the music since I knew we were moving anyway.

Yes, those blacks, and the Mexicans as well, will always be with me whether or not I’m always with them. I mean, how could I forget these assholes and the stress, anger, frustration, and hell they inflicted upon me for years and then months? At least now they’re a part of my life in my memory only. I can remember them and be sooo grateful to be free of them and their shit.

I’m utterly stunned how Mr. Bias actually kept his word and dropped it the day they wasted their time dragging me down there to discuss shit they could’ve discussed here. I really thought they were gonna subpoena me. Wow! A cop that doesn’t lie! Hmm… I’m also shocked that these people didn’t send us mail through our old address. Especially the blacks. Yes, people do have the nerve to do that. They would commit the same crime against you they’re accusing you of. I remember how Fran actually had the nerve to bring me up on prank phone call charges while he was doing the same thing to me, till I talked him into dropping the charges. Oh, the winners I used to be dumb enough to associate with!

Later…

I was sitting by my open office window when I heard this metallic-sounding hammering. I thought maybe someone had the nerve to be trying to pry the lock off the shed, but when I went outside I could tell it was coming from a neighboring property, probably next door. They may have resumed their building project. Having no buildings or hills between the houses makes sounds appear closer than they actually are. What was so cool was that I couldn’t hear a damn thing with the window shut. That wouldn’t be the case in Phoenix! When there was hammering next door, I heard it loud and clear, even over fans and music.

I may have a new wild animal friend, but I won’t count on it yet. I spotted her about 30 feet from the office window. She was gray and about the size of the rats. At first I thought it could be a baby jackrabbit till I saw its head was shaped like a squirrel and it had a tail similar to a rat’s tail. At least I think it did. I think it was a gopher. Anyway, it looks like she’s living in a hole by this bush that’s near where I spotted her. I went out and left some lettuce around the hole and a short while later I saw her out again. I went out the front door, saw her leap into the hole, then I placed a carrot and some regular food by the hole. Tomorrow I’ll go see if it’s gone. Hopefully, I’ll see Gophie, as I refer to her, again tomorrow.

I tried to take a picture, but she was too far and too small. I even went online to see if I could find a picture of a gopher, but couldn’t. I ended up reading up on a variety of rodents. I like how they say hamsters are antisocial and possibly evil. They rate mice as sociable but say the males fight. They rate rats as social, friendly, and very intelligent. One rat owner said they loved rats and how they chase strings, come when called (sometimes), and really enjoy human company.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 2000 Amazingly, I still haven’t heard from the boomers in the sky. I’ve been sleeping just fine. Maybe they’re on break or something. This peace can’t last forever, though.

Yesterday turned out to be quite a rough day. My allergies just wouldn’t quit. On and on went the sneezing and the runny nose. Obviously, I’m gonna have these vicious allergy attacks every few weeks or so and there’s nothing I can do about them but just live with them. It’s better than deadly asthma attacks.

Tom picked out a portfolio organizer from a catalog for being at the bank for five years.

Later…

Just got our third sales call of the week. It was the Arizona Republic calling. By June we’ll be back to getting several calls a day and I’ll have to turn the ringer off. I could tell it was automated too, cuz of the delay between when I picked up and when the person started talking. I told them not to call again, but I’m sure they will after a few days. And the thing is that they never remove numbers from their system, and also, they give it out to their friends so they can put your number in their system, too. It’s like a mailing list, only it’s with the phone. Now that someone knows someone lives at this number, more people will be given the number. If the Phoenix number is still out of service, it’s still being called many times a day. Once it does get reissued, I sure feel sorry for whoever gets the number.

I still haven’t heard from the people in the sky. I don’t know what’s up with that. I still don’t know why we didn’t hear from them during October, November, and December.

Once I get my book done and out to some publishers, this will be a real test of God. This will tell me if he’s all about stopping me from doing things I wanted to that I couldn’t handle, or if he’s about stopping me from doing anything I want to do. Period.

Soon, Tammy, Dureen, and Art will hear from me one last time. Along with sending the pictures, I will make myself clear as to why I don’t want any contact for the last time, simply because I like to express myself and not because I feel I owe them an explanation. I don’t owe these people shit, and except for Lisa, I don’t regret dumping them. I never felt better. I only wish I’d done it sooner. I can’t stand these people. I just can’t stand them. And I can’t associate with Lisa and have to be reminded of these sick fucks whenever we talk. I don’t want to know Bill, Larry, Tammy, Dureen or Art exist, other than to send them this final piece of mail. I never again want to be a part of their abuse and tall tales. I could never again associate with such dishonest control freaks like Dureen and Art, nor Larry with the way he tried to take over the family’s affairs and with the way he and his folks ganged up against Tammy. Yes, Tammy’s a shit parent, but Larry didn’t just want Lisa for the sake of getting her away from Tammy. He wanted to replace his son and to spite Tammy. And I could never again associate with Tammy and her bullshit either. She lies, exaggerates, and is the moodiest hypochondriac I know.

If I crossed paths with most people that have burned me in the past, I wouldn’t even pay them the time of day, but these people have fucked me up and over so badly for so long, that I still burn with rage at the mere thought of them, and if I ever saw Bill, Larry or Ronnie - I’d beat them beyond recognition in a heartbeat. I hate bully cocks like them that think they’re oh so tough! There’s nothing I’d get off more on than to show these “big tough men” that no, they can’t hit everybody and no, they can’t beat everybody. Some people, including women, could kick the shit out of them and that includes me. I have the rage to do it and do it well. I know I could. I’d bet my dolls on it. In this day and age, they’d never stand a chance against me. Hell, I could take them all on at once with one arm tied behind my back, and oh how I wish I could be the one to teach these little fucks a valuable lesson about what happens when the wrong person is hit/fucked over by them. I’d make them so terrified to even think of fucking with anyone the way Ronnie used to shove me around and the way Bill’s hit Lisa.

Oddly enough, though, I don’t feel extreme rage when it comes to my folks, even though they abused me both physically and mentally more than anyone else ever has. Maybe it’s because of their age. Or maybe it’s because I know that Larry, Bill and Ronnie would be more of a challenge for me, even if I know I could kick the shit out of them easily enough. Meaning that although I know I could beat them all, I could beat my parents with just one punch. The others would take four or five punches. Maybe it’s that. I don’t know. I just know that if I could change two things in my life, I’d erase the resentment I feel towards Tom for lying to me about the kid, and I’d erase my anger towards these people back east and just forget about them. Literally, forget them.

Below are excerpts from my letters.

To the shit sister:

The biggest thing about you that really made my blood boil was how you let Bill go on abusing you and Lisa for years before you finally put your foot down, even if it was in a half-assed kind of way since you do allow Bill access to your kids. Even you yourself admitted that you were miserable for years and wouldn’t address it. I don’t need experience as a parent to know that your job as a parent was/is to protect your kids from abuse, and you DIDN’T! There’s absolutely no excuse for your letting his shit go on like that. Using your childhood is a lame, pitiful excuse, too. You should’ve kicked his ass and thrown him out the first time he laid a hand on her and you should’ve made it the last time he laid a hand on her. Sometimes two wrongs do make a right and sometimes you do have to literally fight for justice. Turning the other cheek doesn’t always work. These violent people need to be shown that if they hurt someone, someone’s gonna hurt them. Instead, you sent this pitiful excuse of a person the wrong message. You might as well have had a big sign made up saying: beat my daughter Bill. I’ll let you get away with it with no taste of your own medicine to come. Like I said, you should’ve kicked his ass, and if you couldn’t do it with your bare hands, you should’ve used a weapon which could’ve and would’ve been justified to the cops - he attacked my daughter and I did what I had to do to get him away from her. Violent people like Bill can’t be helped or changed and yes, someday he’s gonna hit the wrong person who’s gonna make him be afraid to even think of hitting another person (if he lives) but you should’ve been the one to teach him his lesson. If we had had kids and if Tom had ever laid a hand on them, I’d beat him beyond recognition as would be my duty as a parent and I’d never let him near me or my kids again, and I don’t care what the courts said. And you were worried about how I’d be as a parent in the past. Well, obviously all your worries over me were just a cover for your own worries, doubts and failures as a parent, huh? Well, rest assured - I wouldn’t have been a perfect parent who never made mistakes, but I wouldn’t have let my husband beat her year after year either! It’s not your fault Bill’s the way he is, and it’s not your fault that our pitiful excuse of a court system is as fucked up as it is, but that’s all the more reason why we need to take responsibility. What I mean by putting your foot down in a half-assed kind of way was that you should’ve ignored the courts and not let Bill near the kids, even if that meant you had to run and hide. If the courts won’t do their job, then we the people need to do it for them and pick up where they left off. If the courts told you to kill your kids and then yourself, would you do it? And what are you? Attracted to aggressive, abusive, violent men? Where’s your self-respect, girl? I see a nasty pattern here. Dick was violent, Joe was violent, and Bill was. Is Mark gonna hit you and the kids too? And if so, how many years is it gonna take for you to fight back? Well, we can’t undo the mistakes we’ve made in the past, and we all make them. All we can do is learn from our mistakes. Next time a man lays a hand on you or the kids - make him sorry, show him it’s a definite no-no, have self-respect and respect for your kids, and get rid of him! And Tam, I’m sorry if what I just said sounded cruel, but it’s the truth!

To the shit excuse for parents:

I can’t lie to you folks and tell you when or if you’ll ever hear from me again. You could hear from me again in a few months, a few years, or never. I just don’t know. I certainly couldn’t call you and resume a relationship with you if I couldn’t be accepted as I am and cuz I just couldn’t trust you. Not after you’ve broken your word to me a zillion times. You can’t keep personal and private stuff between us. Or any disagreements we have. It was fine when you’d tell people things like “Jodi and Tom went to Vegas,” or “Jodi likes to sing and her nickname’s Mystery,” but to tell them “I’m sick of hearing about the same things and things I can’t relate to. I don’t give a damn if she can’t get pregnant. That’s her problem, I have no empathy for her, and I’m sick of hearing it” is wrong. I can see if you had simply told people that we had a disagreement, but to get into details, half of which you made up along the way, was wrong. Our conflicts were never Marty and Ruth’s business, Larry’s business, or your friend’s business, either. They should’ve been kept between us. If I wanted them to know certain things, I’d tell them myself. Hell, you told the whole town of Longmeadow I jumped. You made me feel like it was more important for you to get sympathy than to protect my privacy. And the fictitious story about me chasing you, Doe, with a hammer (or was it a knife?) When I was somewhere between 15-20 was ludicrous. You had so many people scared to death of me for no reason. No one needs to be or should be afraid of me unless they try to harm me or my husband. Anyway, I already made my feelings clear, and if you read them and if you understood a word I said, you’d know how I felt. In the long run, though, it really doesn’t matter one way or the other what you do or don’t understand or agree with me on because as long as we don’t resume the relationship we had in the past, we won’t clash with each other.

Later…

Tom left a note saying to wake him up at 9:00. So early? Does this mean we’re gonna get together tonight? And are we back to having sex 2-3 times a week? Gee, I can’t wait!

I can’t help but have conflicting emotions about his not cumming, just as I do about God’s deciding to take my reproductive system into his hands and make my decisions for me regarding that.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent God for robbing me of my choice.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent Tom for robbing me of a normal sex life.

Until a professional told him there was nothing that could be done and it was truly out of his control, I’ll never forgive him for denying me his cum, so to speak, when I did want a kid. And he makes me feel like such a cursed freak, too. I’ve never heard of anyone like him. I swear he’s the only one in this world like he is. I know I’m right, just as I have been so far, about his not wanting a kid and that that’s the basis for his not cumming. And I know he’ll never go to a doctor about it. If it were up to him, he’d never discuss the issues of cumming or kids again in his life. But what I still don’t get to this day, is why go to such extremes to see that he doesn’t become the father he never wanted to be and still doesn’t want to be. The only reason I can think of is that he knew I wanted a kid when we met and just didn’t have the heart to tell me he didn’t want that and therefore insisted we use birth control. I think his refusal to cum became a habit he can’t break. Or can rarely break. I’m sure that long after menopause, he still won’t cum. He’s too used to the way he is and too pleased with it. He obviously wants to be the way he is, whether or not there is a pregnancy risk. I can tell by how comfortable he is with the way he is. How many guys are like him, and can’t help it, and are happy with it? No one! Just him. I tell you, there’s no such thing as a case like he’s got. Not medically, anyway. His situation just doesn’t exist. You either can’t get hard to begin with, or you can, and you can cum just fine. No one gets hard but can’t cum. The question is - am I really the only one with a guy who can get hard, but won’t cum?

Anyway, I just try not to think of it, and all the ways God and other people have made my decisions for me or controlled me in any way. I’ve never been with anyone that was remotely normal in bed and I never would be if I went through a zillion more people, be it women or guys. I also never had a say in my reproductive system and I never will. God put the lock and chains on that the day I was born and declared it off-limits to me. All I can do is just live with these facts. They cannot be changed, and even if they could be, I don’t know that I’d want to change them. Not just because my heart is no longer in changing them, but because of my fear of God’s retaliation against me for going against his wishes for me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s never to mess with God!

TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 2000 Just fired up my computer to cover today’s events, then I’m going to listen to music, maybe sing a little, then hopefully I’ll crash. Benadryl ought to help with that. Yeah, my allergies have been going berserk. Tom says he feels bad that he took me out on such a windy day, but it started before we went out. I think the dust in Mary’s house contributed more to it in the end than the wind did. She only cleans once a year at Christmas time. And when she cleans, I think that only means neatening things up, or rearranging them and lessening some of the clutter. Not dusting and vacuuming. I doubt she even owns a vacuum.

Driving through that horrendous city sure brings out the rage in me, but first, we enjoyed seeing Mom. Evelyn wasn’t there when we arrived because she had to go to the dentist. We showed Mom the pictures we burned on the disk we brought her, and Tom set about to connect their two computers, but Mary didn’t leave the stuff he needed. I guess she hadn’t gotten the parts yet, cuz something came up.

Mary, who came in about a half-hour before we left, saw the pictures, too.

I played around with their electric dartboard and saw their new birds. They have a blue parakeet like the one we had and a green one. One of them has a really nice cage.

Dave came in on our way out, so we quickly said hello to him, then headed for the grocery store which was a circus and a half. It took us forever at the check-out, thanks to the slow, stupid Mexican at the register. Non-whites were plentiful compared to the whites, which now seem to be the minority. The blacks and Mexicans totally ran the whites out, or so it seems. They help to run us out.

After the grocery store, Tom ran into Staples, but as I figured, they didn’t have ink refills for my kind of printer, so he’s going to order them online. I’m sure I’ll have to remind him and push him to do it a dozen times before he finally does.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, one of the things I hate about driving in the city isn’t just all its traffic and construction, it’s the fucking assholes that creep! No one can drive the speed limit in Arizona, I swear! Not even in Lavene, a tiny scum town just outside of Phoenix. It’s either a poor Indian tribe town that hasn’t made money with casinos or a Mexican town. Either way, like most scum towns, it ain’t white. Anyway, this couple in front of us had us dragging at fucking 15 miles below the speed limit for miles. When we finally got the chance to pass them, I fingered them out of frustration and Tom blew a fuse over it, getting all paranoid about getting shot for it, etc. I’m not saying this world isn’t full of sensitive poor losers, but what are the odds of that, huh? If we all went around shooting those who flipped us off, gave us dirty looks, or swore at us, there’d be none of us left. I told him I’d keep my fingers down from here on out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll kiss society’s ass and not vent my anger and frustration when I want to. I’m not gonna live walking on eggshells because of society’s poor precious sensitive little feelings. If they can’t handle the things I say and do - tough shit. If you can’t handle a finger or two, you’ll never make it in this world and you don’t belong in this world in the first place. You piss me off, you’ll hear from me about it, and if you can’t deal with it - that’s your problem.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19, 2000 Another quiet, stress-free, peaceful weekend. How many cars were next door at the Mexicans this weekend? Hmm…Ten? Twenty? Fifty? Hee, hee! Well, they didn’t have anything to do with my life!! Not the quiet blue-green pickup, nor the bass-banging Ranchero!!!

My pee is green. I’m pretty sure it’s cuz of the water pills I’ve been taking, cuz the further away I get from taking one, the clearer my pee is. It’s turned out to be more of a help than I thought it would be when it comes to losing excess water, although it doesn’t do shit for pre-period boob soreness. Even more amazing - I woke up at 121 pounds today, but have done nothing lately to lose weight. Again, could it be connected to these water pills? I’d guess so.

We screwed today and he let himself in there again. I was surprised.

He installed a picture viewer on my computer and it’s great. It allows me to sift through them faster. We can’t bring the screensavers to Mom tomorrow because we need to find certain files to make them run on their computer. We are going to bring them a CD of pictures, though.

Scuttles was so funny earlier. Even Tom’s amused by the rat’s behavior. Ratsy was out chasing me again, along with Scuttles, and they both were chasing this strip of paper I’d dangle in front of them like a kitten would. It was so cute.

SATURDAY, MARCH 18, 2000 Getting pretty hot out there! We were outside (he still is) and I cut up some boxes for burning.

As expected, he’s shown no desire for sex. I knew that having sex like we did 2-3 times a week wouldn’t last long. I knew he’d get sick of it. Personally, I think it was all a show. I mean, I think he thought he could tease me big time by thinking we’d have full-time sex regularly, then bye-bye full-time sex and hello to part-time sex once again. Little does he know he didn’t get the bummed out feeling he no doubt hoped I’d get. I’m ever so grateful to be back to the part-time sex. I have no appetite myself. It’s just old and predictable, and it bores me to tears. It’s hard to get turned on by him when I know he isn’t all that turned on by me. I just can’t do the one-sided sex like I used to be able to. He also says he’s worried about having grocery money for the next two weeks. Well, he’s 40 pounds overweight and I’m 20 pounds overweight. I don’t think it’ll kill us to cut back on food for a couple of weeks, but like I said, he’s just looking for excuses. I told you that if we had more time there’d be some other problem and there is. And once we’re doing better financially, he’ll be sick or sore more often. And like I also said, it’s OK if we have part-time, cumless sex. I just hate the lies and excuses. It’s OK that I can’t have a kid cuz I don’t want the burden and responsibility that’d bring, but at the same time, I still resent him for taking away my chance to find out if I could’ve conceived naturally. Because of this stubborn, controlling, scaredy-cat, along with the help of God, I’ll never know for sure. Just have vibes. My woman’s intuition tells me no, I wouldn’t conceive even if he squirted regularly. I’ve sensed long before I ever met Tom that I couldn’t conceive, and I didn’t with the stupid shits I did it with back east.

Paula left a message at 5 AM our time. I guess she’s calling on weekends now. I wish she’d call more like once every month or two, but at least she’s not bugging me several times a day like Andy used to. I don’t miss the long, boring phone calls with Andy. It’s not that he never had anything interesting to say, I just don’t miss his selfishness and his only coming over when he wanted something. Andy was a pest and a half.

Later…

Tom and I watched The Others live. I’m amazed they haven’t had an episode yet with childbirth in it.

Didn’t hear from Dan yesterday or today. I’m amazed at that, too.

Played with Scuttles on and off and now I’m making Tom and I a baked potato.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 2000 Not much to update on. No booms today and no Dan yesterday. That doesn’t mean I won’t hear from Dan tonight, though. It’s still early enough. If he does bug me, I’ll just throw my music on.

We’re going over to Mom’s on Monday to do some computer work for Mary and to visit her. We’ll go before Mary and Dave get home. That way the dog will be outside barking its ass off, and not inside to scare the shit out of me. I pity Mary’s neighbors if they hate barking like I do.

I made them screensavers, as I mentioned before, which Tom says they can’t wait to see. Tom also decided he wanted to make them a digital photo album on a CD, so I picked out about 110 pictures of us and things associated with us, like pictures of the land and pets.

THURSDAY, MARCH 16, 2000 Well, they found us. Yeah, we just got our first sales call. When the phone rang I saw it said “out of area,” and because of that and the fact that they left no message, it had to be sales. Another six months to a year and we’ll be back to getting many calls a day. I doubt the call was from the Bowflex people, cuz if they were calling, it’d be because they had something important to either tell us or ask us, and therefore, they’d leave a message, I’d think. Tom said we could expect it in a week, but no way. Money’s never enough, in God’s eyes, when it comes to us getting things. I know there’s gotta be a big song and dance and a big fucking deal involved in getting it. Us getting anything like that always takes a fight, and of course, when it does get here, there’ll be some problem. Something will be damaged or missing.

No booms in the sky today, but I’m sure I’ll be hearing from Dan any moment now. His prime time is in the early evening when he knows most people are more likely to be home. I’m surprised he’s been as quiet as he has been the last few weekends.

Tom got the animals the biggest bail of sawdust I’ve ever seen. It’s got to be a 50-pound bag.

I’ve also never seen an animal love me as much as Scuttles does, and I’d have to say I haven’t loved any animal as much as I love him. He’s so cute, loving and playful. At one point, while Tom and I were sitting on the couch with him, I had to get up for ibuprofen for a headache. After I did, Scuttles jumped down off the couch to follow me.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15, 2000 They’re booming around up there again. At least they let me sleep till 10:30 when the alarm went off. I got up right before Tom came in with my coffee. I had him get me some since he was planning on stopping at Circle K, anyway. They didn’t have the white chocolate caramel I love so much, so he got the flavor they replaced it with - chocolate mint. Boring.

It is with utter shock and amazement that I can say I finally received Paula’s pictures! She really wasn’t putting me on. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know it was her, cuz half her face is covered with sunglasses. But knowing it’s her, and looking at the slight cleft in her chin and the shape of her lips, I can see it’s her. They were taken down in Florida. She’s smiling and waving in one picture, against a grassy and pine-treed background, wearing a black, sleeveless shirt or dress with what appears to be a pink bikini top underneath. The other one, the one I like best, she’s not smiling and is holding a small clump of pink flowers. She’s wearing the same thing in this one too, but has a better background cuz there are palm trees behind her. Her hair appeared to be pulled back and was obviously dyed a deep, coppery red.

Now if only I could get a picture of her from a decade ago with her long brown hair! And no sunglasses to hide half of her face!

Tom said that yesterday, he saw that snake in the same spot. He said he couldn’t tell if it was dead or not, but it probably got run over.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but a foul smell would occur and disappear in the second bath for a week or two. We’re not sure what it was, but lately, we haven’t smelled it.

Freddie’s been having no trouble climbing up and down. I haven’t actually seen him screwing any of the ladies, but I hope he has and got a litter or two started.

Speaking of screwing, I’m to get Tom up at 8:00 so we can “try” to screw. Oh, God! I am not looking forward to this shit. I know he’s not going to go in me. In fact, I’ve even stopped using KY.

Later…

Dan’s on my case again, distracting and annoying the fuck out of me with the engine-gunning. What are we gonna do with you, Dan? Huh? Just what are we gonna do with you? God, get this fucker out of this state! Next door is a dream come true; I don’t know they exist. Same with the renters (so far) yet every day, be it for a sec or hours, I’m always reminded of Dan’s existence. It may be better than having a pack of loud and lazy freeloaders on my shoulder, but still, I don’t like it. I wish he’d just shut the fuck up. Having no mountain, hill, or wall between us and this cock is a factor in letting the sound hit the house so easily, just as it would be if we had a wall that was too close to the house, but he’s got some monster of an engine in at least one of his trucks. Totally the kind a desperado would have. Yeah, well I’m sick of hearing it. I’d like to see this little fuck give me one week, just one week, off from the fucking shit he’s been pulling, so obviously trying to get anyone’s attention.

Later…

What a big mistake, not using the KY, although I naturally lubed up in just a minute or two. He stayed hard and went in there, but it goes without saying that he wouldn’t let himself cum. I’m kind of surprised. I started to really wonder if our sex life was over. We’re not any richer, so I’m sure it’s because I’m getting closer to my period and less likely to conceive, not that I could anyway. I swear, though, he acts like an old man at times in bed. After just a minute or two on top, he plopped down on the bed as if he’d just run ten miles. He also seemed suddenly to be depressed, but he didn’t say anything.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 2000 Another quiet spell in the sky lately. I thought for sure that they’d wake me up around 9:30 yesterday and today, but I haven’t heard a thing. Yeah, but how long will it last? Just this week, I’m sure. By next week, they’ll be booming by regularly, waking me up. I still can’t seem to get up as early as I’d like to. I’ve been getting up around 10:30 but would prefer to get up at 9:00.

Later…

Tom’s home now. He stopped at his mom’s. Her blood sugar is too low. Nora, Ray and Jennifer were there and he says that Nora and Ray looked 100 years old. Ray has liver disease and Nora recently had a mild heart attack. Jennifer’s the opposite of what she used to be, from what Tom told me. Instead of being the boisterous loud-mouthed brat she used to be, she was rather subdued.

Anyway, after we chatted, he went out to burn some trash, and now he’s unwinding for bed.

When we were chatting, we were discussing how this house was built. I guess I misunderstood some of the details and got some of them wrong, so let me run through it again for the record. It takes 3-4 days to build this house. First they build a metal frame which they then build the house on. After the frame is made, they lay down the floor and run the plumbing underneath. Then they do the electrical, windows, walls, cabinets and doors. I’m not sure if the inside wall boards go in before or after the roof is put on, but anyway, after it’s painted, on goes the roof. It was cool to see them put a roof on a different house when we were there (they work on several houses at once). The roof is suspended on a crane that moves and places it on top of the house after its paint dries. Then they paint the exterior and roll the house through on conveyor belts to where they put its axles and wheels on. When we saw our house, it had plumbing, walls and floors, but no windows, doors, or cabinets, and some electrical. It wasn’t even painted.

MONDAY, MARCH 13, 2000 As planned, we got that male mouse we wanted at the same place we got Scuttles at. We were shocked to see that they had a huge cage with so many breeds of rodents living together in it. They had hamsters, gerbils, mice, and a guinea pig that squeaked bloody murder. I don’t know how these gerbils and hamsters get along when Teddy Bear and Gizzy didn’t. Maybe it’s because these were raised together. There were no rats or ferrets there. I’m not surprised, since rats and ferrets are the most aggressive of the rodents, although hamsters aren’t always sweethearts themselves. They also had some fancy mice that were alone in their own cage. They didn’t have nearly the number of rats this time around, and they had both pet rats and fancy rats, according to their sign. Pet rats don’t get as big as fancy rats, though they’re all pets. I was glad that none of the rats really appealed to me, because giving my attention to the two I’ve got is enough. When one of them dies, I’ll get another rat or two.

Anyway, we got some crinkle paper in a box for them to nest in, which was cheaper than the mall where Tom used to get them. Also, the fancy mice were on sale, so we paid just $3 for Freddie. Freddie’s as tame and lovable as all fancy mice are, walking up and down my arm. I already took his picture. He’s a cross between brown and gold. He’s pretty much what I was hoping to find. I wanted something different than the gold mouse and the black and white mouse I’ve got, for more color variety for breeding. It’ll be interesting to see what colors and markings they create. He’s definitely a male, too. They didn’t fuck up on his sex. You can see the two little balls very easily.

Last night I wish I had videotaped the rats. Scuttles was out playing with me, jumping and climbing all over me, but you should’ve seen Ratsy! He was chasing me and play-nipping me like a cat! He’d chase the hem of my nightie as I rolled on the floor.

Our only other stop was for coffee and soda at Circle K. Although it was only first shift when we got there, I got the immediate feeling that Jennifer no longer works there. Just a vibe I got, but we’ll see if I ever see her again.

Once we got a couple of miles or so from our house, there sure was a cool sight waiting for us in the middle of the road. I saw, from just two feet away, a diamondback rattlesnake, which is now coming out of hibernation. It moved off towards the side of the road and watched us. It was coiled up defensively, ready to strike if need be, but I guess he knew deep down that we weren’t gonna get him, cuz he didn’t even shake his rattle. Not even when I threw an empty Tic Tac box out at him. It landed an inch in front of him, but he gave no reaction. Just continued to sit there and watch us. Snakes, tarantulas, lizards, coyotes, jackrabbits, and roadrunners are what you mostly see out here. Anyway, we almost ran over the snake, and I wanted to see one of these up close so Tom backed up, careful not to run it over, and we checked him out for a while. Tom said they can only strike half of their body length. This one was about 4 feet long. They’re really cool looking, but I wouldn’t want a pet snake. I wouldn’t fancy the idea of having to feed them live rodents, which is what they eat. Also, I like smart, entertaining pets like rats. The rats interact with people just like puppies and kittens do. Even someone who hated rats couldn’t deny they’re cute to watch and smart. Anyway, Tom says that he’ll take a shovel and whack any snake’s head off that he sees on the property. Although you should never get bit as long as you’re careful and watch where you’re going, we have a bite kit that Tom and I checked out and went over. It’s for snakes, scorpions, bees, black widows, and jellyfish. Believe me, though, you won’t run into a jellyfish out here! I’ll bet most people back east wouldn’t believe me if I told them the animal out here that’s most likely to attack. They’re the hardest to see and for every snake, there are millions of them. They’re ants, and out here, they spare you no mercy! Little red ants and big black ants - the most likely to get you. The most dangerous, though, is the rattlers and I think there are copperheads and other dangerous snakes out here too, although they’re big so they’re easy to spot. They’re also slow-moving and they won’t chase you down. They’ll try to get away from you. The most harmless - coyotes and tarantulas. Coyotes are too timid to get near you and tarantulas are virtually poisonless. You can just walk up to them, pick them up, pat their fur, and put them down, not that I’d care to. They’re very slow-moving, too. My personal outdoor favorites, though, are the jackrabbits, roadrunners, and coyotes.

SUNDAY, MARCH 12, 2000 Tom left for work an hour ago.

I spent most of the weekend backing up my picture files. I converted my BMP pictures to JPGs before saving them on floppies and was able to get between 15-27 pictures per disk. It took about 20 disks. Even though Tom does regular backups on CDs, I felt it wouldn’t hurt to have another backup set that I did on floppies. I was mainly after the harder-to-replace pictures, like the ones taken with the digital camera. If I lost copies of the photos I scanned, I could just rescan them. I also backed up most of the wallpaper pictures I got online.

I showed Tom that bridge I saw out front and he told me it’s a cotton gin. Makes sense. There’s nothing but farms out towards the front of us, and the more I looked at it, the more it did look like a gin.

At 2:00 this afternoon, Scuttles decided it was midnight. He must have because he was really having a ball. He not only wanted to be affectionate and get attention from me, but he also wanted to run around the house, too. He loves to nestle in my hair and make it a real “rat’s nest.” I started straightening it naturally, the way I did in the 80s before there were straightening irons, so it was easier to brush the knots out. I straighten it by putting elastics down the length of it, every inch or so apart. Because it’s so damn thick, it takes forever to dry.

Paula called yesterday. We talked about the house, the weather, and that guy she’s seeing. She asked more questions about us and the house this time around. She says that for $70 a month, she’s renting a computer she doesn’t know how to hook up to the Internet or its printer. That’s Paula for you. Oh, and now she claims she mailed those pictures out Friday, so her story’s changed again.

Tom’s still playing games. Yesterday he conveniently had body aches and thought he was getting the flu. He said he wondered if the nasty fumes from the shit he used to clean paint spatter off the speakers in the den did it, but I think it was an excuse to get out of sex.

Today he couldn’t stay hard, and while I was doing him by hand, he suddenly heard fictitious car doors close by and had to get up and check it out. Meanwhile, I heard nothing like that, and again I pointed out to him that he should come clean with me and quit making lame excuses to get out of sex. I can’t stop him from playing games, but I can help him with his fears. If he’s so sure I can conceive and doesn’t want that to happen, he should just tell me so we could discuss some sort of birth control method. But no, he says, that isn’t it. Maybe he’s a nut who’s become like me, he says. Sensitive to sounds. Then he gets back into bed saying, I’m still here, aren’t I? And then he tells me that he’s trying. But I don’t want him to “try.” No one should have to “try” to get into sex. If it doesn’t come naturally to him, then maybe he shouldn’t be having sex, especially with me. Then I asked him if he was sick of me and felt he needed a fling or something, but he swears he isn’t sick of me and doesn’t want a fling. He once told me he and his ex had a threesome once with a woman and that screwed things up, I guess. Anyway, he says he’s never had the problem of not being able to stay hard before. Part of it’s God, who just has to interfere with my sex life no matter what. As I reminded Tom, I’ve been sexually cursed since day one and if I got a new man or woman every year, each one would have some kind of problem or weird quirk. He says he thinks his problem is over money, then went on to explain, although it makes no sense to me, that it stresses him out more to be barely making it, rather than behind. Well, I still think all this is about his enjoying playing sex games with me and his fear of me conceiving. He still swears he isn’t afraid of that, but I don’t know. I suggested, just in case he is being sincere and he does truly have these problems that are out of his control, to just wait till we’re back on track financially. Then, if he’s still having trouble getting hard, he can decide if he wants to go to a doctor (although I think he should’ve gone to one six years ago). I highly suggested he tell the whole story if he does go to a doctor. Not just the trouble with staying hard, but the lack of cumming, too. Let an expert give their opinion. He agreed he’d think about a doctor and tell them everything if he went to one, but I know Tom S. The man would never in a million years breathe a word about his hardness trouble or lack of cumming to a doctor or anyone, and you want to know why? Because I still think it’s his own will that’s doing it, both consciously and subconsciously. He’s had “problems” in bed ever since we met, so why would he wait this long to do something about it if he didn’t want things the way they were?

I wondered for a moment if this weren’t meant to be to get him to go to a doctor, for once and for all. Yes, if he’s sincere, maybe having two problems will give him the gusto to go to a doctor.

Nah. He’ll never go to a doctor about it. Not if his life depended on it.

I can’t help but feel conflicting emotions about it. On the one hand, I’m pissed that because of him I can never see if I can get pregnant naturally if I decide I want that in a few years, and on the other hand, I don’t want that, and God would never allow it to happen, naturally or not. I’m still glad we never had a kid in the past. I’m sorry I went through all the emotional shit over it that I went through. It was miserably horrible. I’m sorry for every rotten thing he and I have ever been through, but I’m not sorry things turned out to be the way they did so I could live life and do the things we’ve done in life. With a kid, I’m almost positive we’d never have been able to get out of Phoenix. At least not till it was older. I also wouldn’t have been able to do, learn, grow, mature, and experience the things I have in life.

We talked about the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes when he gets to be at least 55, and I may like that for various reasons. For one, as much as I love this big house in this remote area, it’s a little too far out for old people who need to go to the doctor more often. If we were in one of these places, we could get to doctors more easily and not have to wait an hour for an ambulance, should we need one.

Also, they have rules about barking dogs, but there are not that many in these places. Just like most houses in the city do have dogs, most old people don’t have dogs. Those that do tend to have little dogs like poodles. Not two big vicious collies.

They probably don’t allow people to have pools, but that’s OK cuz they have country clubs you can walk to, and I wouldn’t be afraid of being attacked by a big dog walking the streets there.

I’d want a smaller house when I got older and had a harder time getting around and doing housecleaning, and in a place like that, you’d never have to worry about subsidized freeloaders moving in next door. Oh, I’m sure it’d be just my shit luck to move in next to the old lady whose grandkids came over practically every day and screamed outside, but at least I could do something about that, and since the mother would live there, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about her taking my noise complaint all wrong and making sure the kids got even noisier.

Anyway, I hope to be here for a long time. At least 10-15 years. I hope we’re happy here as long as we’re here, but like I said, that’s not very realistic. It’s bound to get noisy sooner or later.

FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2000 I discovered Mocha, one of my mice, dead today. Tom thinks she had tumors, but I don’t know. The way she was shaped made me think she was just fat and may have even had a litter before we bought her. We buried her but didn’t bother with a marker.

Tom’s suddenly so sorry for “doing more bad things to me than I have to him,” as were his words. I don’t know how sincere he is, but anyway, perhaps that’s why he suddenly wants the male mouse we’ve been talking about getting. I know he enjoys checking out the animals, and he says he loves all his pets, even if he thinks rats are mean-looking, but we know that the animals are mainly for me. I just don’t get how he can say, year after year, that he’s so sorry for “being a failure in bed” yet not do anything about it. All he does is say he’s sorry. Meanwhile, he just keeps on doing the same old shit.

I guess it’s going to be easier said than done as far as giving Tom a taste of his own medicine. I just can’t do the things he does without feeling guilty. I just can’t jerk him around about sex or about anything like he has to me. Besides, jerking him around sexually, or being predictable, won’t faze him. I guess I’m just forever at his mercy in bed. I either put up with the never-ending predictability and lame excuses in bed, or I don’t have sex at all. At least we’re back to sex in part-time spurts like I knew we’d be, so I don’t have to deal with his shit too often.

We discussed the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes in about 15 years.

THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 2000 Tom was a big hero at work last night, fixing stupid people’s mistakes. I guess they threw out stuff they weren’t supposed to throw out. I swear that’s our life’s destiny - fixing other people’s fuck-ups.

I’m not looking forward to all I know we’ll have to go through from here on out to get the Bowflex. Just because they said we could have it, and just because we intend to make payments on it, doesn’t mean we can just have it. It’s gonna be a big fucking deal to get and we’ll have to fight tooth and nail for it. There’ll be a problem with delivery, or it’ll get here damaged, or parts will be missing, etc.

I washed some of my older doll’s clothes.

I also made five screensavers for Mary, Dave and Mom. They said they were curious to see how I do those, so I did up a saver of us, scenery, flowers, dogs and cats, and various animals. No mice or rats, though, since they don’t like them.

I think I forgot to mention the scorpion Tom met last weekend. He was moving the shed onto the frame he made for it of concrete he poured, and he came across it then. He took some cool pictures of it, too, before he killed it.

I don’t know why, but I didn’t get up at 9:00 when my alarm was set to go off. Instead, I got up at 11:00. I don’t know if I subconsciously turned the alarm off or what happened, but amazingly, they let me sleep till then. I haven’t heard any booms at all today. Tom mentioned a change in the jet stream. Maybe that caused them to alter their course.

I checked into Luke Air Force Base last night online, which is where these jets are coming from. They claim they mostly fly in the daytime but do have some night flights, which are usually back by 10:00. They didn’t mention how many days of the week they fly. There was a number to call about noise complaints. What for? They’ll just tell anyone that bitches the same thing they’ve told others that have bitched - hey, we have to train these people, so tough.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8, 2000 I was lucky enough to have them wait till I’d gotten up before booming by today. At 11:00 and 4:00 I heard a whole series of rumbles. Some were mild tremors and others were loud and thunderous.

Later…

I don’t fucking believe it! Thanks, God. I just knew it, though. They just boomed by. At 9:00 at night? They’re gonna train people in the dark at night? See, it’s only a matter of time before it’s a round-the-clock thing. It won’t matter what my schedule is, eventually, cuz anytime I sleep will be hit or miss. I checked outside to make sure it wasn’t thunder I heard since that’s what it sounded like, but the sky was clear as can be. Nothing going on at Dan’s. Just a minute’s worth of engine-gunning a couple of hours ago. Why am I so cursed when it comes to noise and sleep?! I’ll never be free of it no matter where I go.

TUESDAY, MARCH 7, 2000 He’s gone. Meanwhile, I am gonna get him good sexually! If only he knew just how sexually doomed he is to be in a month from now. I’ve had it with the sex games! Now it’s his turn to get a taste of his own medicine, and believe me, I’m gonna make every lame excuse in the book and do nothing but bitch and complain about how his doing this or that turns me off in bed, and this distracts me, and this stresses me, etc. Let him feel like the little freak he’s made me feel. Let him feel unappreciated in bed. He isn’t the only one who’s quit cumming, that’s for sure.

Tonight he had to have ice cream, something he knows his stomach can’t tolerate well, so he could have an upset stomach and an excuse to avoid sex and laze out in front of the TV. The fucking TV turns him on more than I do, and I don’t care how beautiful he always tells me I am. Of course, I’m sure part of it is because I made the excuse to bail out of the same old bullshit sex last night. It’s like he has to give me a taste of my own medicine when I make excuses to get out of sex and do the same thing right back.

Anyway, his 30 days are up and we’re having less sex and there are certainly no squirts. Yeah, I knew it, the lying SOB. Why does this guy have to lie so much when it comes to sex? He doesn’t lie about other subjects. Why can’t he just come out and face his fears? See, this isn’t just about his not being able to own up to his fears, it’s a game to him. It turns him on to turn me off, and boy let me tell you, I am turned off. I’ve never before felt this turned off. I’ve lost any ounce of sexual interest I could possibly have left for this man. I just have no desire for him in bed. It doesn’t detract from how much I love him, but by God, I’ve had it with him sexually. If we never had sex again, I wouldn’t miss it. He’s so scared and he’s so stubborn when it comes to sexual changes and he’s so obsessed with his games, that he can’t even show a little appreciation for me in bed even just once in a while. It’s a miracle I don’t want a woman. A woman not just inside my head that I fantasize about. I’m just so sick of the idea of sex with anyone. It’s not new and exciting anymore and hasn’t been for years.

Anyway, the liar told me that in 30 days we’d be screwing 2-3 times a week and he’d cum once a week. Well, in my letter to him, which I’ll give him on April 7th, I’m gonna let him know just how I feel for the last time. And I mean the last time. I’m tired of his sex lies and games in bed, I refuse to fight with him over sex in this house from here on out. Also, he is not going to control my reproductive system. Only God can do that. He will not con or manipulate me out of having a kid if I choose to do that someday. I won’t hesitate to use a sperm donor if that’s what I have to do, cuz this guy will never change, but fine. Now he can have his way; he can stay cumless and never hear me bring it up again. He’ll never have to deal with it. He can just stay the way he so obviously wants to be. Even so, I think I’ll always have some bitterness and resentment toward him for what he’s done to me. I mean, I may not want a kid right now, thank God, but how dare he fucking tell me in the past that he wanted a kid, yet refuse to do anything to help himself or to let himself be helped so he could make the necessary changes in order for me to conceive naturally if I truly could like he’s so sure I can. He had a lot of nerve saying he wanted a kid, then I try to help him and suggest he do things to help himself and see a doctor, then he turns around and bitches at me for trying to change him. That’s really fucking cold and insensitive. Meanwhile, I’m the one going through the painful testing. He won’t talk to no one, he won’t try stimulants, and this tells me something quite obvious - that he doesn’t want to change. He wants to be the way he is. Anyone who didn’t would try to get help. Not make up bullshit lame excuses and say that not talking about it, which is really a form of not dealing with it, will be their magic cure.

Later…

Today hasn’t exactly been a thrilling day. I couldn’t get to sleep till nearly 6:00 in the fucking morning, they fucking woke me up at 9:20, then when I got up with the alarm at 11:00 I was exhausted. I still am, too. Meanwhile, to top things off, fucking Dan just started with the engine-gunning. This cock cannot go one solid week without putting on a show, can he?

I started to get all psyched at the letter we did receive, believe it or not, from the Bowflex people saying we have been approved for the complete machine, but as I figured, there’s always a catch to good news. They wanted three references. One related and two personal. The relative one was fine, cuz Mary’s reliable, but as for personals, all we could think of was Paula and Kim. If they call these people, though, we can kiss the Bowflex goodbye, cuz I don’t even have Kim’s current number (I made one up), and you never know what a stupid, brainless idiot like Paula will say.

Again, can’t we just have something without the song and dance? Isn’t paying $53 a month for three years enough of a payment? Can’t we simply just have something?

Later…

Due to the fact that I haven’t heard any booms since being up, I wonder if I may have dreamt that they woke me up this morning. After all, I was kind of having a nightmare. I don’t remember what the nightmare was, but who knows? Maybe I dreamt it, maybe I didn’t. Tom was even insisting that he felt a slight shudder last Saturday morning at 8:30, but that I must’ve dreamt them waking me up an hour later, cuz he didn’t hear or feel a thing. I don’t know. I’m still going to try to get up around 9:00 regularly anyway, both because I want to and to be on the safe side. That way I don’t have to worry about being woken up. Sundays I’ll sleep in till they take my Sundays, too, and if they’ve flown on Saturdays I’m sure they’ll take that, too.

Another thing I’m not sure of is whether or not that was Dan’s engine and music I heard earlier, or was it the tractors that grade the roads? Those sound a lot like someone was revving an engine, only what I heard was softer, suggesting it was further away than Dan. God knows the roads did need grading after the rain. Also, the bass I thought I heard didn’t have a beat, and some big vehicles tend to sound bassy from a distance, so I don’t know for sure what I heard.

Yeah, the rain has finally quit. We had a lot of rain, too! It rained steadily for over 24 hours. No leaks!

Looking through the binoculars out the living room window, I discovered a bridge off in the distance. I don’t know what it is. I’ll have to ask Tom. I don’t know if it’s a bridge that cars drive over, or if it’s just a scenic walkway for people, which would seem a bit odd in such a low-populated area. I wonder where it goes and what’s under it.

I can see a flashing light from my office window at night way off in the distance. I’m pretty sure it’s where the crop duster’s airport is.

Scuttles is so cute in the way he sticks his head through the bars to have his head patted. He can get out as far as his shoulders. Ratsy decided to take an afternoon stroll. I was surprised he wanted to come out and run around at 3:30, being the nocturnal creature he is. He ran around the living room, the dining area, the bedroom, and the bathroom, then went home and back to bed. It still amazes me how these rats go home when they’re done exploring. Most animals wouldn’t do that and would run from you when you tried to get them to bring them home.

I called and left Paula a message letting her know that the Bowflex people may call her and that I used her as a reference.

I can’t wait to finally have that! At least I hope there are no more problems getting it from here on out. I may have lost a few pounds and toned down certain bulging areas lately, but man do I look awful! I’m flabby, sagging, and furrowed, not to mention a good 4-5 inches too big in most spots. I really hate my face and neck more and more. They’ve really gone to hell. I have ugly furrows running from the corners of my lips down, and a double chin from hell. Tom doesn’t think I have a double chin, but I say my neck’s definitely sagging and needs some picking up. He doesn’t even think I’m fat. He thinks my weight’s fine and all I need to do is tone up. I wish that were the case.

Later…

We were just out burning some trash. We could hear an owl hooting nearby. We also heard, but only for half a second, a thunderous rumble that sounded exactly like those jets. Are we getting into night flying now, too? God, I hope not!

MONDAY, MARCH 6, 2000 I didn’t shit yesterday and was so sure that even though I walked and watched what I ate, I’d be back to 124 pounds, but nope. I’m down to 121½!

Although I’ll still walk, today I’m taking a break and plan on treating myself to Dairy Queen like we have been on Mondays when we go to Circle K. I’m starting to doubt we’ll go tonight as we originally planned, but we’ll see. That’ll have to be up to Tom. For once they were right about saying we were in for some serious rain. Well, it’s been raining on and off since last night. I can barely see out my window and the heat’s been on during the day. Usually, it’s off by sunrise and is around 80º in here by the afternoon. Anyway, I guess we can still get out of here OK. He got home, after all. It’s not like it’s rained hard enough to wash the roads out. I can even see Gravity’s tractor tracks still. Hopefully, we’ll go out and I’ll see Jennifer. Then we can have predictable, boring sex when we get home, be it with or without him inside me.

Later…

I woke him up at 6:00 and we left shortly afterward. We had to drive really slowly through the dirt roads. The parts that get more traffic were really bumpy and shaky. Once it got dark, the wet dirt roads gave off the optical illusion of being paved roads with slush on them. It’s been raining steadily since last night and I guess it may continue to do so till tomorrow.

I didn’t get to see Jennifer tonight. She wasn’t anywhere around. They finally fixed the cappuccino machine, so I got my white caramel coffee and some Tic Tacs.

Dairy Queen’s grill was broken so we couldn’t get burgers. That was OK, though, since I am on a diet. I got some fries and that was enough to fill me up.

Right now, it’s off to work some more on my story, then walk, then get some boring sex, then who knows?

Later…

Sounds like the rain’s finally stopped out there. That’s why they let me sleep today. Tomorrow - who knows? I got up at noon today and am determined to get up at 11:00 tomorrow, 10:00 on Wednesday, and 9:00, the time I want to get up regularly on Thursday.

He’s getting ready to leave for work.

SUNDAY, MARCH 5, 2000 I just asked Tom what has become my famous weekend question - how many cars do you think are next door now to our old house? Yeah, how many? Six? Eight? Ten? I love it here! No dogs, no door slams, no banging in and out, no ball games, no nothing. No faint strains of music or Danantics, either so far. But tomorrow, although I’m not going to get up till noon, I’m sure I’ll be woken up by those damn jets a dozen times.

I forgot to mention that Friday night, we had a little campfire at 2 a.m. We burned trash while I toasted marshmallows. It was a moonless night and the stars were beautiful. We heard some distant dogs barking, and nosy, lonely Dan spied on us. Leave it to a lonely boy like that to be up that late. We saw his back light go on and off during the time we were out.

Tom looked online for ways to reink my cartridges, rather than buy new ones, cuz it’s a lot cheaper.

I was online downloading some wave files (sound files). I couldn’t believe the variety they had. They had everything from animal sounds, to weather sounds. They even had the president when he tried to bullshit us by saying he wasn’t having affairs, and lines from movies. I downloaded a couple of song clips, birds chirping, a toilet flushing, horses galloping and whinnying, and a coyote howling. I also got a clip of someone saying, “Hi, Jodi. How are you?” and “Bye, Jodi. See you later,” and “Hi, Tom. How are you?”

I finally got to see it rain in the daylight today. It just looked like water droplets were sitting on the skylight and didn’t rain nearly hard enough to run down the wash. For the most part, all we’ve had is wind, massive clouds, and scattered drizzling.

Woke up at 122 pounds today. Was it because I watched what I ate? Because I walked? Or both? Anyway, I’m sure I won’t shit today because of it, and that’ll set me back to 124.

I told Tom we should wait on the sex till he’s less stressed out over money, although, he’ll have a new problem once we’re not as strapped. Naturally, he went along with this without appearing to be one bit bothered by it. It’s just that I’m tired of the same old shit in bed. I can’t get into it anymore, knowing that he’s not into it. I’m sick of getting in that bed with him and knowing that one of only two things is gonna happen.

SATURDAY, MARCH 4, 2000 Today’s been quiet, save for the faint strains of music I thought I heard. If that’s what I heard, it stopped by the time Tom got to the door to listen to see if he could hear anything, too.

Last night I went to bed at 5:30 in the morning and guess who woke me up at 9:30 in the morning on a fucking Saturday? The fucking fighter jets! On a Saturday?! Now they’ve taken my Saturdays, too? I had planned to sleep in on weekends, but obviously I can’t. What am I going to do when they start flying at night and anytime I sleep is hit or miss as to whether or not they'll wake me up? I tried staying up, so I could be on a schedule where I got up around 9:00 to beat the flights, but I just couldn’t. I fell back asleep with no sound machine and with the door open and only woke up a couple of times during my sleep when Tom was in the kitchen. I’d only wake up for a minute, though.

I totally, totally hate God. I hate him! I tried for years to find the good in him and to keep in mind the good things he’s blessed me with, but I’m sorry. This, along with the hell he let us go through to get into this house was the final straw. The things he’s blessed me with are nothing compared to the things he’s cursed me with, anyway. For every blessing he’s granted me, he’s damned me a hundred times over. There is no place in my heart for such an unfair, hateful, cruel, vengeful God as him. He will never be forgiven by me. Never.

To think that my sleep is more threatened out here in this remote area than it was in the city when I had the freeloaders to deal with totally blows my mind. And what’s scary is that I’ve been right so far on just about everything I’ve predicted upon moving into the house. I was only wrong on my time frame as to when the renters would be a problem. Their time hasn’t come yet. But I was right about predicting more noise upon moving into the house. Since being in the house, we’ve got more bouts of music, the engine-gunning, and now these jets. It really bothers me to have yet another choice of mine stolen. Especially by strangers. I don’t even know these people, yet they’ve butted into my sleep like they own it. I’ll never be able to sleep past 9:00 without the 50/50 chance of being woken up.

Neither of us has had any apparent interest in sex, but I’m OK with that. I need to get cracking on my story. I’ve been neglecting it a lot lately.

Been walking 30 minutes a day starting the 1st and watching what I eat. I don’t know why I bother when I know damn good and well I’ll never lose weight or inches, and if I do, it won’t be enough to be all that psyched about. I guess old habits die hard and I keep rebelling against where my body naturally wants to be: at about 124 pounds. Be lucky I didn’t have that kid when I wanted one, I tell myself. I’d not only have lost my life, but I’d be in the 140s or higher.

THURSDAY, MARCH 2, 2000 Today was like it is 99% of the time around here - dead quiet. Just one little boom after I woke up, no music, and no Danantics.

I’m not looking forward to later on tonight. I almost dread it. Yes, it’s another round of fun in bed with my terrified and stubborn husband. I hate getting into bed with him knowing that only one of two things could possibly happen. Either we’ll have a cumless screw, or he won’t bother going in me at all.

Since we’re obviously not meant to have an exercise machine (and if we are, we’re talking way in the future) I started walking a half-hour a day on the walker. Like I said before - no, it doesn’t cause me to lose weight, it just makes me feel like I’m active. I’ve got to do something. Housecleaning isn’t enough, and the rest of the stuff I do isn’t even physical.

I finally heard from Paula. She called, and believe it or not, she just got the letter with our number. What took it so long to get to her? Anyway, there’s not much change on her end. Still dating married people regularly. This time, though, it’s a black cop, rather than some Puerto Rican. The cop’s been married for 17 years and has a few kids. I suggested that if she wants to play around, which is fine if she doesn’t want to commit, then why not try a single guy so she doesn’t have that third party to worry about? All she did was bitch about how the woman follows this guy left and right. Well, she certainly has a reason to be paranoid. While I was on the phone he called to tell her they had to lay low for a while. I swear, just like Andy, she’s not destined to have a loving relationship.

She was her usual selfish self, talking mainly about herself non-stop, but she did ask a few questions about me and I still did enjoy talking to her. She asked about the weather and if I’d been in contact with my sister or anyone on my side of the family. Oh, she asked about my weight too, after telling me she was up to 160 pounds. Getting heavy, I guess. She said it was cuz of a shot they gave her to keep her from getting pregnant. I asked her why she’d need that if she had her tubes tied, and all she said was that she had problems with that. Well, if she can get pregnant, she will. Not just because she’s a slut, but because God loves to sic kids on people like her. The trouble I predicted with Justin’s already starting. He’s beating up his classmates, thanks to the wonderful role model he’s got at home, and yes, she was threatening him as usual.

She said they cut off his SSI checks, saying he’s no longer handicapped. I guess he’s somewhat slow, but not so slow anymore. Anyway, she was bitching to me that all she’s going to get is $600 a month instead of $1,175, and was like - how am I gonna live! They have to give me welfare! So I suggested she get a job to supplement things since we know she can keep a schedule. She said I got her really thinking about it, but Paula can’t work. She really truly is disabled. Her temper will get her fired in no time if not her stupidity. She’s totally unreliable.

So, as you can probably gather, I have mixed emotions when Paula calls. I care about her and I do enjoy our chats, but she annoys me, too. She reminds me of how vengeful and unfair God is.

She says, for the hundredth time, she’s sending pictures of herself. Yeah, right! She’ll never send me a picture of her. Oh, she may be sending pictures, all right. Yeah, of her son and her car. Hell, she’d even send me a picture of her toilet before she ever sent me a picture of herself.

Later…

What is this? Is this guy on his way to becoming impotent, as well as cumless? He just cannot stay hard! I don’t know if he’s playing games, or what? He said he’s sorry he’s doing badly in bed. I asked him why, expecting him to say it was cuz of me, but he said that if he had to take his best guess, it was because we were financially strapped. But our bills are current, which is what’s most important, so who cares if we can’t get extra stuff right now? As long as the necessities are paid for, who cares? So we wait six months to a year for extras. Then he tells me he feels like a failure when he hears me mention things I want (like ink cartridges) that we can’t get for a while, although he understands I never intentionally set out to make him feel that way. Yes, we screwed up, and yes, others screwed us over, too. But we can’t live in the past and blame ourselves for the things we should’ve done differently or else we’ll all be miserable and have a hard time moving on. He shouldn’t feel like a failure and neither should I. We didn’t deliberately fuck ourselves up here, and like I said, as long as the necessities are paid for. That’s what counts. I understand his feelings, though. There are a lot of things I wish I’d said or not said to certain people in past experiences, and things I wish I’d done or not done. I’d take back not kicking the crap out of Barbara at the NHA any day. I’d take back my talking to Larry in the 90s any day, too.

The thing about it is that he may be having a hard time in bed cuz of money stress, but once we do have extra money, it’ll be something else. He’ll have some whole new problem in bed.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1, 2000 Tom got a raise which is to be effective beginning tomorrow and will be switching to a day job that was created especially for him (without overtime) within a month or so. He gets more money for working nights, but with the raise factored in, he’ll be making the same amount of money on days that he’s making now on nights. The question is - how much will this new job improve our lives? Will we really have more time to do things and will we do more things? I can forget about it improving our sex lives in any way. That’ll never change, thanks to his fears and stubbornness. It’ll always be the same old, same old, and I wonder if I’ll ever have the desire to cum by him again.

Last night I set up the blue card table in the retreat that Doe and Art shipped out to me when I first came out here (I drew last night, and still want to get another table for that room). That’s where the air bed is too, so he can sleep in there on that when his mother visits. If she visits. I mean, what do we have to offer her? We have no kids to entertain her with. Just rats, mice and dolls, and somehow I think she’d find that quite boring.

My allergies have been picking up lately. For a while, my lungs were even better than they were when I was on the prescription inhalers, but last night they were tight. For the last few days, I’ve woken up sneezing, so I pushed myself to dust and vacuum really well today, concentrating on the bedroom and getting under the bed really well.

Evelyn gave us a housewarming present - a stained glass rose that I hung in the living room window. It’s pretty. She said she figured she ought to just give that to him since we’re obviously not having a housewarming party. No, those are for the freeloaders and selfish people just like them.

We also got a strange thing that was thicker than a sheet, but not thick enough to be a blanket. Tom said he’ll ask Mary some time what that’s all about.

Last night I got pissed at Tom for being so moody that I said he was working on putting me out of the mood for sex and that he could just go play with himself for all I cared. A little while later, though, he came where I was reading in bed and we were laughing and talking and I assumed all was fine at that point and that he knew that, but when I brought up the subject of sex later, he was like - I thought you said no. Then he went on to tell me how he gets disappointed when we don’t do it. Could’ve fooled me, I told him. Then he said that just because he didn’t always show his feelings didn’t mean he doesn’t have them. Fine. Whatever. I just want the sex problems left in Phoenix to stay!

Later…

I woke up needing to pee at 9:30 after going to bed around 5:00. Right as I was drifting back to sleep, they boomed by in the sky. I knew this week they’d be booming as usual. In fact, they woke me up eight times between 9:30 and 11:30. Thanks, God. Nice to know I can always count on you to let me sleep well regularly no matter where I go. Anyway, I didn’t get up till 1:00 and I plan on inching my schedule back so I can be getting up around 9:00 regularly so I can sleep without so many interruptions. I heard them boom by at 3:30 and 4:00, too. It’s fine when I’m awake, though. It’s even neat to hear and feel. I just don’t understand why we never heard them in the trailer. Is this a new route God set up for me upon our moving into the house? Well, I did say it’d get noisier once we got in the house. I just didn’t know it would be due to Dan’s engines and the military. I thought it’d be due to the renters, but they’ll be a problem in time.

At 5:00 Dan was back to his engine-gunning, but fortunately, it was brief.

The address label people sent us seven different boring samples, but I’ll use them anyway, even though they put Tom Jodi Lin S on them and Not Tom & Jodi Lin S.

Later…

Jesus Christ! It’s actually been noisy today. The noisiest day since we’ve been here, anyway. First we had ten booms, and I don’t think they’ve ever boomed by that much in one day before. Then we had Dan’s engine-gunning, and then some music. It was that same music we’d heard three or four times in the past since being in the house. It’s either coming from the renters or from Dan, and it sounds like it’s definitely a car stereo and not a house stereo. Car stereos like that are a renter’s thing, and it’s also something Dan would have because we know he wants attention, so I can’t say for sure whose place it’s coming from. However, why have we heard it only four times in the last two months and not every day? This tells me it might be someone visiting either Dan or the renters. The music only lasted a few minutes, too.

Later…

I just looked out the window and saw Dan’s headlights as he drove in alongside his place, but heard no music. Hopefully, he’ll get out of the damn truck and go inside for the night, but we’ll see. Sometimes he sits there gunning his engine when he drives in from wherever, but I don’t hear him at the moment.

Strangely enough, I still never see lights on at night in the rentals.

[rickjsposts]

MLB overnights for 5/12 and comments

New Post has been published on https://www.rickjshandicappingpicks.com/mlb-overnights-for-5-12/

MLB overnights for 5/12 and comments

A 2-3 day yesterday and we find ourselves right at the breakeven mark heading into the middle of May. Top to bottom swing has only been around 10 units.

We are beating the closing line at a rate of 46-28-3 which is 62% of the time.  The difference over the 77 wagers is around .04.   A little low historically, but I am using

a new database this season. The company I was using went out of business after many years:)

But this one has been around and solid a very long time.

Overnight picks for 5/12 games are :

959  W BUEHLER -R 960 SDG  Y DARVISH -R 115 961  B ELDER -R 962 NYM  L SEVERINO -R 110 965  J VERLANDER -R 966 DET  J FLAHERTY -R 101 971  S LUGO -R 972 LAA  P SANDOVAL -L 117

Remember RickJ’s Handicapping Picks is now a free service until the beginning of NCAA FB. All subscribers monthly payments have been paused and you will pick up right where you left off when I switched to a free service.

The reason for this is 1. I am using a new database 2. I have a number of personal items on my plate, of which selling and buying another home is top on my priority list. You do not know the amount of effort this takes until you get into the actual process. I have been doing it my entire life, and still I have found no way to make it an easy process.

I lived 18 years peacefully in the last community I was in here in Las Vegas, but as I tend to do when property values dramatically increase, I take my profit. In the last sale it was $650,000 profit of which 500,000 was tax free!  But after 2 years in the community I am in now, it is clear it is not a good fit for us. So for the first time ever I am going to take a loss on this one.

I will write more on the process of buying and selling homes on my discord channel, sharing with you some of the rules to go by and should never be broken, unless you are into pain:)

So, in fairness to subscribers, in the past I have had handicapping my top priority. Once this chaos is over, which should be before the start of college football, it will be back to #1. with trading a close 2nd.

As a subscriber you get all plays sent out via email, and also access to my two discord channels, RickJSports and RickJInvest

If you wish to join us for the free period of time, just send me an email to rickj@rickjshandicappingpicks.com. I will have you signed up quickly with invites to both discord channels.

A week before the beginning of college football I will start sending out reminders that the free service becomes a paying service soon. Most subscribers sign up for the $49.00 a month option with a few taking the $499.00 yearly option.

I started sharing my picks online over 20 years ago. It is a testament to my ability to find positive EV plays, that I have had subscribers from day 1!  I am 100% transparent on my results as those that know me know.  Almost all my new signups come from word of mouth, as I do not advertise. 

If anyone has any questions, please do not hesitate to write me at the above email address.

Good Luck Today

RickJ

RickJ’s Handicapping Picks

rickjshandicappingpicks.com

[searchenginesjournal]

Premium matrimony India dating tips and tricks

India adult dating tricks and tips from matchfinder.in right now: How to select a matrimonial website to discover a lifelong companion? Falling love marriage rates have made individuals understand that may not be the greatest way to assure a happy marriage. Therefore, they've turned to Online Matrimonial Websites. No longer must you compromise with people and circumstances. Choose a site only if it possesses the following characteristic: Security: Choose a matrimonial website that’s reliable and secure. Whatever you tell them, they must keep it safe. These matrimonial sites shouldn’t have permission to disclose your details without authorization. The matrimonial websites must utilize privacy features to protect your information from members. No Compromise: Registering with these matrimonial services means you don't have to compromise while finding a companion. Find a suitable companion. Be specific in your search! Discover additional information on https://www.matchfinder.in/.

Waiting for the right person to come around and treat us the way we want to be treated sounds exhausting. In the era of modernisation, dating is seen as a necessity rather than a source of happiness and joy. When we get into a relationship with someone, we accept them as they are with their flaws and imperfections. However, it is indeed important to look out for some major green flags in the person you are dating for a smooth and happy love life. Therefore, we have compiled a list of some important green flags that are important to formulate a healthy and long-lasting relationship.

Don’t…limit yourself. Keep your options open and remember one way of finding a date is not necessarily right for everyone. There are so many options, including online dating sites, apps, recommendations, blind dates, meeting someone when socialising and more. The world is your oyster. Do…remember to have fun and that dating should be exciting. Although the end goal is to find a perfect partner, it’s important to enjoy the journey. Plan fun dates and do things you both like. If your date isn’t ‘the one’, at least you will have some fun experiences.

Do you have an ex who has been hanging around for years or a f*ckboy that’s been messing with your head? What about those people you text when you’re feeling lonely or bored or who you think you might be interested in someday? I call these people the “maybes:” the exes, previous dates, and “it’s complicated” relationships that didn’t work out the first time around, but you keep their number in your phone “just in case” or are hoping something will change.

You go out with a girl, you both seem to have great chemistry. After your date, you both go home happy and satisfied. Now you think things could only get better. But after a few days, she begins to pull away. And because you have no idea what you’ve done wrong, you become confused and frustrated, making even bigger mistakes that only push her further away. Or, maybe you’re a decent-looking guy who just never has any luck getting beautiful girls to pay attention to you. Whatever the problem may be for you, this article will help you understand some key things you might have been overlooking. When it comes to dating, there are some untold rules that many guys are unknowingly falling short on. And when you make these same mistakes for too long without any luck, dating can become just another frustrating game for you. That said, let’s look at ten mistakes that some guys may not even know they are making. If you’ve been having a rough time dating, take note of these. You might be faltering.

Kind people are charming. You’ve probably heard the idea that if you want to get a good understanding of someone’s true nature, watch how they treat those who are in a lesser position, like service staff, waiters, etc. Everyone responds well to kindness. We all want someone who has a good heart, who is caring and empathetic. A man who treats others with kindness and respect shows his woman that he isn’t just nice to her because she’s pretty or because he wants something from her. It’s his nature, and she can count on him to be that to her anytime any day. And this assurance will make her feel safe with him. As the saying goes, your looks might capture people’s attention, but it’s your character that will keep them interested. Nothing on this list has to do with looks. Meaning, they are all learnable if you’re not implementing them already.

Treat every date like it’s special: Okay, we know. Not every date is going to include sparks and fireworks. Sometimes it’s just plain boring or what you thought was going to be a great match turns out to be a total clash. But the important thing to remember is that every single date no matter the outcome is an opportunity for growth. You’re making a connection with another human, after all, and there’s always something to learn and something to share. Be curious, ask questions, find qualities about that person to appreciate, and after each date, even the duds. Take a moment to recognize how the experience contributes to your self-growth.

Repeat after me: Dating should be fun. It should not feel forced, boring, painful, or sad. If it’s not enjoyable, you’re either putting too much pressure on each date, feeling self-conscious about dating, or focusing on the wrong things. Remember that dating is not intended to have only one outcome. Every experience—whether it’s a date, Tinder conversation, or a few months of dating—brings you closer to clarity.

Ditch the loser who doesn’t make you happy. Newsflash: If the person you’re with constantly disappoints you, consistently can’t meet your needs, or refuses to commit to you, it’s time to cut them loose. Hanging on to someone who isn’t making you happy because you’re hoping they’ll suddenly change is going to waste a lot of your precious time — time you could spend meeting and getting to know someone who is a good fit for you. You’ll never meet “the one” if you’re hung up on the wrong one. So, as they say — out with the old and in with the new. Breaking up is hard to do, but trust me on this one: the only regret you’ll have when looking back is that you didn’t split sooner.

Communication skills can make or break any dating situation. Case in point: if the fact that a date hasn’t introduced you to their friends is bothering you, and you don’t say anything to them about it, you’ll probably end up building resentment until you explode — and then they’ll be blindsided. So, once again, make it a point to start sharing your needs, wants, and feelings with the people you’re dating. It may feel scary at first, but it’ll pay off in the long run by helping you to A) better evaluate your compatibility with someone early on and B) avoid unnecessary conflicts.

[barberboys]

Top 6 Factors To Consider When Selecting The Perfect Barber Near You

In the world of grooming, the quest for the best barber Adelaide is nothing short of a personal odyssey. Your hairstyle is an extension of your identity, and finding the right artisan to sculpt your mane is crucial. Join us on a journey as we unravel the top factors that can make or break your search for the perfect barber.

From skill and expertise to ambience and customer service, we'll explore the key elements that transform a simple haircut into a transformative experience. Get ready to elevate your grooming game as we navigate the intricate landscape of selecting the perfect barber near you!

Location, Location, Location

The first and perhaps the most obvious factor to consider is the location of the barbershop. After all, convenience is key! 

Look for a shop that's not only close to your home or workplace but also in a neighbourhood you feel comfortable in. A barber shop Adelaide should be easily accessible, saving you both time and effort.

Reputation Speaks Volumes

A barber's reputation is a powerful indicator of their skill and customer satisfaction. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, researching a barber shop's reputation has never been easier. 

Check online reviews, testimonials, and ratings. Social media platforms are also excellent resources for gauging the experiences of others. If the barber shop truly lives up to its name, positive reviews will be in abundance.

Skill and Expertise

Now, let's talk about the nitty-gritty – the actual haircut! A barber shop is home to skilled professionals who are masters of their craft. Look for barbers with a diverse skill set and experience in various styles. 

Whether you're after a classic cut or a trendy fade, a skilled barber should be able to deliver precisely what you're looking for.

Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness

No one wants to get their hair cut in a messy or unsanitary environment. The best barber Adelaide not only values its customers but also their well-being. Pay attention to the cleanliness of the shop, the tools, and the overall atmosphere. 

A tidy, well-kept barber shop is not only a sign of professionalism but also a reflection of the barber's commitment to providing a top-notch experience.

Atmosphere and Ambiance

The atmosphere of a barber shop plays a significant role in your overall experience. A barber understands the importance of creating a welcoming and comfortable ambience. 

Pay attention to the decor, music, and overall vibe of the shop. A positive atmosphere can turn a routine haircut into a relaxing and enjoyable ritual.

Affordability without Compromise

While we all want the best, it's crucial to find a barber shop that offers quality services without breaking the bank. Affordability is a factor that should not be overlooked. 

A Barber Shop Norwood strikes the perfect balance between reasonable prices and exceptional service. Look for a place where you can get a fantastic haircut without sacrificing your budget.

Conclusion

Finding the best barber Adelaide is essential for achieving the look and style you desire. By considering factors such as location, expertise, customer reviews, cleanliness, pricing, and overall vibe, you're well on your way to discovering a professional who can truly cater to your grooming needs. 

Remember to prioritise communication and establish a good rapport with your selected barber, as trust and understanding are key to a successful barber-client relationship. Ultimately, taking the time to carefully assess these factors will ensure that your grooming experience is not only satisfying but also an enjoyable part of your routine.