#RIGHT i also started wearing gender affirming outfits like things that make me so androgynous people get scared when seeing me in bathrooms

[dearimasu]

THE TUMBLR YEAR IN REVIEW IS COMING. A YEAR HAS PASSED. OH MY GOD. OH MY GKD. OH MGOD.

[6okuto]

today has been a fucking rough day. If ur comfortable w it, could we get a trans/nonbinary gender affirming scenario w a touchstarved Character (I have a huge preference for Vere, but whichever character u feel like writing ab works too, it’s up to you) please and tysm for ur time

TS CAST WITH TRANS/NB READER

TW: dysphoria / transphobia

tried to do as many hcs as i could for diff situations but if u wanted specific things let me know and i can do a scenario :] i put notes before bullets so you can skip if they aren't applicable or may trigger you! (if anyone sees smth that i missed or should change pls let me know) i hope the next few days are kinder to u nonnie 🤍 love u and i hope u know ur valid and always welcome here 🫂

VERE

vere's demeanor immediately gets serious when he notices you're upset. he's dropping whatever he was doing and coming closer, pulling you somewhere quiet if you aren't there already

feeling dysphoric | if you were just feeling dysphoric, he jumps straight into comfort, whatever that means for you. do you want a distraction? do you want to talk about it?

he'll double down on any preferred compliments for a while, making sure to casually use them in your conversations. if you start questioning your appearance or get worried about being seen as someone you're not, he shakes his head and tells you to look at him. keeps direct eye contact so you know he's absolutely serious with the compliments he's about to say.

vere would also help you buy clothes that made you feel confident. fully supports dressing up and the importance of clothing. you guys aren't leaving until you agree with him about being the best-looking couple in the city

masc (prince) | gets you to try on something so so fancy so he can tease you, "are you sure you aren't hiding some royal bloodline from me? am i unknowingly dating a prince of some far away land?"

fem (beautiful) | eventually picks that outfit you keep eyeing every time you walk past the mannequin. you come out and he's extremely pleased. "i knew you'd look beautiful in it, what took you so long to try it on?"

gn/androgynous | after time, he gets a good handle on what you lean towards and brings you ? such a good fucking outfit where the fuck did he find this? "i think you have the title of the most stunning person in eridia."

borrowing his clothes | if it meant you wanted something from his closet, of course he'd let you wear it out. he thinks you might look better in that top than him, and he already has the perfect accessories to go with it

dealt with transphobia | if it was because of something someone said, he makes a mental note to look for them. genuinely pissed off but hides it well enough (you know both the fact that he's angry on your behalf but also that you right now are his priority)

so while he makes sure to call them on their shit and call them a stupid pathetic asshole,,, the filth on the bottom of his shoe,,, vere prioritizes getting you somewhere that feels safer so he can take care of you for the rest of the day

tells you your gender isn't up for debate. the only person who gets to question your gender is You in which case he'd still be supporting you as long as you were happy.

he reminds you that it has never been, and never will be hard or a burden to recognize you for who you are and to respect your identity. he's always going to see you as you, and you'll always be able to trust him to love and respect you.

affirming your chosen name | don't know if this is really specific but like,, vere seems like he'd compliment your name? he'd smile as he tells you that it fits you perfectly, and it's maybe his favourite thing to say.

vere gets softer with you in general behind closed doors, i think. he lets you get away with things that others wouldn't, but that lenience/softness somehow multiplies when you're having a bad day

you want to cuddle in bed all day and play with his tail or ears? that's fine with him. you want to take a bath or shower together because having him there to help wash you gets your mind off of everything? sounds lovely! do you want a scented soap? you want to go to the wet wick for drinks or to meet up with the others? Maybe questions your taste but gets up and ready with you of course. do you want to stay in with him and just spend some time together? let him get some tea going and go get a blanket, neither of you are leaving for as long as you need him

omg. vere drawing you with like,, whatever style or haircut or look makes you happiest just so you can have it. let him remind you that that's You in his mind, and he'll do whatever's needed to get you there

THE OTHERS (/ ALL)

the urge to use inanimate objects and abstract concepts to explain your gender. while not all of them would initially, or maybe ever fully understand, i really think they'd try so so hard. they'd agree with you and say yes you Do have the energy of that little cat with rain boots standing in a puddle. yes you ARE a mystical fantasy forest. that depiction of an otherworldly creature has your vibes. to be so honest i Am curious about what mhin would describe their gender as if asked

ment. of misgendering | not a single person is getting away with misgendering you (with malintent) in front of any of them, much less all of them together. daggers are getting shot into their soul from every angle until somebody corrects them

ment of transphobia | sometimes just,, seeing it on the news or wherever else is overwhelming enough. it's hard and frustrating and heartbreaking and emotionally ? just not a good time. let any of them know that you'd like some comfort or a distraction and they'll be there, whatever you need.

mhin will take you to sit and talk on the roof, hand you some treats to feed the strays on your way there. thinking about a scenario where you and mhin are with the cats and the both of you talk about how cats are just,, so much better than people sometimes. cats can't be verbal assholes they just meow. this also works with ais and his pets of course

you could literally ask kuras to help with a haircut and he would maybe First of all suggest going to a professional, but ultimately stand in the washroom with scissors ready if you don't want to. LOL

wearing makeup | ais and his red eyeliner will help you try a new make-up look if you ask. vere and his what I think is eyeliner/eye shadow would also help. either of them would do their best to follow your inspiration, and also teach you how to do it if you don't know how !

masc presenting | not just vere but like,, any of the guys will let you try on their clothes. if you don't like it or they don't fit (considering kuras is fucking 6 foot 6.) they'll take you shopping ! suggest their favourite brands and places and do their best to get you a closet you're happy with.

mhin lets you check their closet too and i'm so sure they know some kind of like,, lesser known store that has the most Gender Fucking Clothes. THEIR TOP? THE CLOAK? be serious where did you get this tell me your secrets

and i think it's a given but just a reminder that if you use multiple names they're all going to switch between them regularly,, the same with pronouns.

the next points just give you (cute) little moments where terms would be used for you to think about! :) the entire cast would use the terms that make you happiest, when they make you happiest. just let them know if you'd prefer one type over the other today, and of course they'll happily oblige :]

masc | (boyfriend) leander grins happily while he introduces you to people as his boyfriend. (handsome) and calling you handsome has become one of his favourite things to do. would go "hey handsome, you come around often?" when he catches you sitting at the bar of the wet wick

(he/him pronouns) | ais. help me. get the "i'm he's" joke AWAY FROM HIM! he won't let it go like he'll get drunk and order matching shirts that say I'm He's on it if you don't stop him i'm so serious. said it out loud to the others once and they "?" but went with it anyways. someone asks you "are you sure you want to be he's?" but don't laugh (do laugh.)

gn | (partner) i don't know kuras's sleeping schedule but i feel like either way if he catches you up late he tells you you should sleep. you say You're up right now and he shakes his head. "i'm finishing something up, and you're my partner who i want to be well-rested. i'll be up in a few minutes, i promise."

while i don't really see mhin as someone who really uses…words of affirmation…whenever they do compliment you they Mean it. at first they just say "you look nice," but then you catch them flustered and unable to look at you and ??? they say they're fine. the outfit you've chosen for tonight is just...really you. it's one of their favourite looks on you and it's the best one you could have chosen and they're really trying not to stare please look away they're dying

fem | (pretty) leander conjuring up a flower and tucking it behind your ear and saying it looks pretty, but you look prettier. to be honest he gives me casual compliment vibes either way, you could probably walk down the stairs and he'd say "well doesn't someone look pretty today?" bro you said that yesterday and the day before

(gorgeous) i totally see kuras as someone who while going on a stroll with you through the market will immediately notice if something catches your eye. whatever gorgeous piece of jewelry you thought you'd be stuck thinking of for the next 3 months? he buys it for you right there. "though i think you're still more gorgeous than it, it looks perfect on you," he says with a smile.

[endobiologist]

Trans Guy Tips #5; Dressing Good

Today, we're going to talk about basic fashion, and some things trans guys specifically need to know when buying a new wardrobe.

Some of these rules can always be broken, it's your body and your choice what to put on it!

However, this is a guide for passing better, so feminine and androgynous looks will not be covered here, only the traditional masculine. I will most likely make a guide out on dressing that way later.

1. Match colors, but don't be afraid to throw in some accent detail colors! Usually when you think of fashion, you think of making everything match, however some things will go better with some contrast rather than plainly matching!

As long as it still has some similarity, it doesn't have to be the same.

The most basic rule you need to learn dressing as a man, is that you wear your belt to your shoes.

If your belt is brown, so should your shoes be.

If your belt is black, they should be black.

Usually most fashion rules can be broken, but this one seems to be very important, as it can throw off the whole appearance of an outfit to have mismatching shoes and belt.

2. Use what I call the finger trick.

When selecting a shirt, specifically a dress shirt, put your fingers in the collar between your neck and the collar.

If you can comfortably fit two or even maybe barely three fingers in there, then that's a perfect fit shirt around your neck.

If you can fit four or more fingers, it's loose and will make you look baggy and overweight.

If you can fit only one, or feel any pressure on your throat, you need a looser shirt because it's too tight.

3. Somewhat similar, but when buying pants, this may be the most important thing of all.

If you get the right set of pants, it can disguise even the biggest of curves.

You want to get what's known as a straight-leg jean pant, you can make it a cargo pant if you wish, either one looks very masculine and good.

I would usually recommend bootcut pants if you wear longer shoes, like boots, or combat boots, or anything you need to tuck the jeans into.

Always get pants that don't feel constricting, and always get them where they fit comfortably with a belt, but don't need a belt due to fitting good already.

But straight-leg type is so important to go for, it's one of the things that makes a boxy figure like a cis man's.

4. I'm not sure if this is obvious or may come as a surprise to some people, but even if you like dressing femininely, if you wish to pass, I would suggest always shopping in the men's section.

They have shirts and pants and everything else under the sun that shaped specifically for men's bodies, making yours look even more like a cis man's, which is very gender affirming. Also women's jeans are made to support the butt and make you look feminine and curvy, while men's are designed to be straight, boxy, and comfortable, usually with deep pockets too!

5. Similar to the matching rule before, you can match a busy pattern shirt with a plain pair of pants, or busy pattern and pants with a plain shirt. However if you put too many busy patterns, or too much plainness, either way makes you look not as good.

Try to balance the detail with the simplicity.

6. Overall the most masculine thing you can wear especially pre-t, is either a formal or casual suit.

You can even wear just a dress shirt with a tie or bow tie, with some dress shoes and pants, and you're good!

This just generally makes you look super masculine and it's hard to mistake.

7. if you're like me, where you like to dress flamboyantly, but you're also super dysphoric about it, wait until you get testosterone therapy.

If you end up having it and you start seeing positive effects before dressing femininely, it's great!

I did this and now I feel totally comfortable with it, as no one ever misunderstands me even if I wear the most feminine things ever.

So if you're going on t, feel free to dress more extravagantly during because you will pass even so!

8. Another way to check shirts that are long sleeved, particularly dress shirts, is to tuck it in like usual, and then lift up your arms really high like you're reaching for something.

If it untucks or lifts the fabric in an unflattering way where your armpits look huge, it's cut wrong and is not something you should buy.

9. This may be surprising to some, but yes, cis men will wear feminine designs on masculine outfits.

I can't count the number of times I've seen men wearing bright pink suits. Other times there's been crop tops, painted nails, hair done, everything.

So if you really like that button up with the flowers on it, but are feeling hesitant due to the feeling that people might judge you, don't worry!

Maybe some will, but a lot of people wear unique clothing, and no one will be as bad as what your thoughts say to you.

10. I have somewhat of a warning, as good and fun they are, t-shirts can be very revealing when it comes to showing your chest, even through your binder! Something about them isn't cut quite right, even if they come from the manliest man's site or store.

If you still wish to wear t-shirts like I do, I would recommend getting a short-sleeved or long-sleeved Dickies button up jacket/shirt that you wear open over it. Or any jacket thing, really. This covers your chest completely and negates that effect.

11. This is sort of more hygiene base but still has to do with getting dressed. Always use men's soap, and men's cologne, and men's essential oils, and men's lotion, if you have them.

Also use some aftershave, it's helpful if it has lotion mixed in and moisturizes as well.

You can even shave even if you're pre-t, due to it making a clean feeling due to there being no feminine peach fuzz on it. This can help support dysphoria relief, as well because it feels like you're shaving a beard, at least until it comes in.

When your moustache and beard do come in from testosterone, if you take it, make sure to oil it lightly with natural oils like argan oil or coconut oil, the stimulates hair growth and follicle health.

And I would recommend shaving just once as it starts developing, so it develops thicker, stronger, and more handsome.

12. If you're planning on going on t, buy at least some of your clothing a size or a few sizes up, or getting a duplicate that's larger.

You will grow, so if you buy all your clothing in a smaller size, you'll probably end up unable to use any of it.

13. Always position your belt buckle in the center of your stomach, the way you can tell if it's positioned right is if it lines up with the buttons of your button up perfectly.

14. When wearing a suit try to always keep the bottomless button unbuttoned. That button isn't actually there to be used, it's meant to be unbuttoned and it makes it look so much better.

The reason it looks so much better is because it makes it flattering and thinning. If you button all the buttons, it will make you look heavy due to it tightening around your waist and stomach.

15. You should always have at least two pairs of dress shoes. one pair that's black, and one pair that's brown. Same with belts. It's also recommended for summer that you keep one pair of masculine flip flops or sandals or sneakers around.

16. This is more of a suggestion than anything, however it's manly as fuck, and people love it.

If you carry a work knife, a pocket watch, a small portable multitool, and a handkerchief.

Possibly even a pen and small notepad with you at all times.

This may seem odd at first, but it's what men used to do constantly in the older days.

These items can come in very useful. A work knife can open packages, open letters, be used in place of scissors occasionally, and even used to defend yourself and others.

A pocket watch is just fancy and shows you're always trying to be on time.

A multi-tool shows you're ready for any task, and it can be a lifesaver in many situations!

Meanwhile a handkerchief is important, because if you ever come across someone crying, or someone wounded, you can lend them or give them your handkerchief, which is a very gentlemanly thing to do, and it can help you pass better, as well as it just being a kind thing to do for someone.

The pen and small notepad is always good to carry on you regardless of any gender, due to you needing to write things down often.

17. Ironically, although socks with sandals seems to be a fashion 'no-no' to most people, I quite like them, and it seems like I pass better with them.

Men tend to wear those slip-on flip flop things, and when you wear socks with it it makes you look very masculine, even if it may look silly to some.

Personally I like it a lot.

18. If you do wish to do makeup & nails, I would suggest doing it as black and gothic as possible, as that's the most common style guys do it as, and if you do it in a certain way, it can come out looking way masculine.

And that concludes my fifth part of this Trans Guy Tips series!

Thank you for reading, and I hope anything I said helped!

[erwoodeu-blog]

Evan Rachel Wood on Why She’s Wearing a Suit This Awards Season (Vogue.com) Evan Rachel Wood has never been afraid of making a statement. The Westworld star has been outspoken when it comes to gender inequality in Hollywood, discrimination, and activism in general, and when it came time for the Golden Globes, Wood seized the opportunity to deliver a visual message, too. Arriving on the red carpet in a refined tuxedo from Altuzarra, Wood channeled the androgyne glamour of David Bowie and Marlene Dietrich’s seductive cabaret singer, Lola Lola from The Blue Angel, but her look was about more than an Old Hollywood throwback. While awards season fashion is often synonymous with princess gowns and slinky dresses, Wood sought to let young women know that great clothes aren’t the only things they have to offer. “I started feeling like some people needed a gentle reminder that we are more than just the dresses we wear. We are people; we work hard and put our souls into what we do,” said Wood via email after the ceremony. “I made a promise to myself that I would wear a suit to every awards show this year. Not to protest dresses, but to let young girls and women know that they are not a requirement.” Wood is adept at using fashion to convey something beyond a look. As a three-time nominee, Wood has been attending the Golden Globes since she was 12 and has always chosen something unique. Though she’s had fun experimenting with everything, from a sparkling Elie Saab tiered gown to a daring feathered Gucci Première creation, yesterday’s streamlined tuxedo was special. Paying tribute to her personal heroes while honoring her pledge to wear suits throughout the season, Wood’s outfit was an affirmation of her own individuality. “I never want to mute my personality or be someone I’m not, so I tend to march to the beat of my own drum, and it has made me a more fulfilled person,” says Wood. “I am very inspired by music and gender-fluid fashion. David Bowie was a hero of mine [as well as] confident women like Patti Smith, Janis Joplin, and Annie Lennox, to name a few.” Though Wood decided on a tuxedo early on, she turned to her stylist, Samantha McMillen, and the Altuzarra team to collaborate on a custom design that nodded to cinematic icons and vintage fashion imagery. “When Evan came to me with her vision of how she wanted to look at the Golden Globes, I immediately thought of Altuzarra,” said McMillen. “She definitely wanted a pantsuit, but with an Old Hollywood feel. We used the iconic images of Marlene Dietrich in tails and a top hat, as well as the Helmut Newton photograph of Charlotte Rampling in the YSL suit with high-waisted trousers. We always mix in a bit of Bowie and also steered a bit into the direction of Fred Astaire.” With multiple references, it was important to get the balance just right. “With one or two slight adjustments, we all felt [Altuzarra] had nailed it,” said McMillen. “The outfit arrived and looked exactly how it was rendered in the sketch—that doesn’t always happen. It was an absolute pleasure working with the Altuzarra team.” With its clean lines and sophisticated panache, the suit made Wood a standout at the Globes while allowing her to feel like herself. Finished off with dramatic hair by Peter Butler and makeup by Toby Fleischman, the final look made an impact. The fact that Wood entered the process knowing exactly what would work doesn’t come as a surprise to McMillen: “The best part of collaborating with Evan is that she is and has always been very clear (even at 17, when I first started working with her) about what she likes and wants.” For Wood, the ensemble’s real power lies in the message it sends. “You don’t have to wear a dress if you don’t want to. Your worth is beyond that,” says Wood. “If this small gesture shows someone it’s okay to be themselves, then the look is a winner for me.”

[fuckyeahevanrwood]

Evan Rachel Wood on Why She’s Wearing a Suit This Awards Season

Evan Rachel Wood has never been afraid of making a statement. The Westworld star has been outspoken when it comes to gender inequality in Hollywood, discrimination, and activism in general, and when it came time for the Golden Globes, Wood seized the opportunity to deliver a visual message, too. Arriving on the red carpet in a refined tuxedo from Altuzarra, Wood channeled the androgyne glamour of David Bowie and Marlene Dietrich’s seductive cabaret singer, Lola Lola from The Blue Angel, but her look was about more than an Old Hollywood throwback. While awards season fashion is often synonymous with princess gowns and slinky dresses, Wood sought to let young women know that great clothes aren’t the only things they have to offer. “I started feeling like some people needed a gentle reminder that we are more than just the dresses we wear. We are people; we work hard and put our souls into what we do,” said Wood via email after the ceremony. “I made a promise to myself that I would wear a suit to every awards show this year. Not to protest dresses, but to let young girls and women know that they are not a requirement.”

Wood is adept at using fashion to convey something beyond a look. As a three-time nominee, Wood has been attending the Golden Globes since she was 12 and has always chosen something unique. Though she’s had fun experimenting with everything, from a sparkling Elie Saab tiered gown to a daring feathered Gucci Première creation, yesterday’s streamlined tuxedo was special. Paying tribute to her personal heroes while honoring her pledge to wear suits throughout the season, Wood’s outfit was an affirmation of her own individuality. “I never want to mute my personality or be someone I’m not, so I tend to march to the beat of my own drum, and it has made me a more fulfilled person,” says Wood. “I am very inspired by music and gender-fluid fashion. David Bowie was a hero of mine [as well as] confident women like Patti Smith, Janis Joplin, and Annie Lennox, to name a few.”

Though Wood decided on a tuxedo early on, she turned to her stylist, Samantha McMillen, and the Altuzarra team to collaborate on a custom design that nodded to cinematic icons and vintage fashion imagery. “When Evan came to me with her vision of how she wanted to look at the Golden Globes, I immediately thought of Altuzarra,” said McMillen. “She definitely wanted a pantsuit, but with an Old Hollywood feel. We used the iconic images of Marlene Dietrich in tails and a top hat, as well as the Helmut Newton photograph of Charlotte Rampling in the YSL suit with high-waisted trousers. We always mix in a bit of Bowie and also steered a bit into the direction of Fred Astaire.” With multiple references, it was important to get the balance just right. “With one or two slight adjustments, we all felt [Altuzarra] had nailed it,” said McMillen. “The outfit arrived and looked exactly how it was rendered in the sketch—that doesn’t always happen. It was an absolute pleasure working with the Altuzarra team.”

With its clean lines and sophisticated panache, the suit made Wood a standout at the Globes while allowing her to feel like herself. Finished off with dramatic hair by Peter Butler and makeup by Toby Fleischman, the final look made an impact. The fact that Wood entered the process knowing exactly what would work doesn’t come as a surprise to McMillen: “The best part of collaborating with Evan is that she is and has always been very clear (even at 17, when I first started working with her) about what she likes and wants.” For Wood, the ensemble’s real power lies in the message it sends. “You don’t have to wear a dress if you don’t want to. Your worth is beyond that,” says Wood. “If this small gesture shows someone it’s okay to be themselves, then the look is a winner for me.”

[freakflagbyiana]

Unglamourous & Nonbinary

I grew up a cosplayer. Glamour and aesthetics as an art form have always been my happy place. But this strange pandemic era has found me exploring the absence of glamour, shadow glamour, the Unglamourous.

I would never wish to take someone else’s joy from them. I totally understand why people were dressing up for their one outing to get groceries or even just for themselves at home. I used to do that in the Before Times. Now I’m exploring a different way... the “down and dirty” way, as Clarissa Pinkola Estés (author of Women who Run with the Wolves) calls it.

To me, it feels like hibernation. It feels like saving my energy for all the glamour I’ll need “when this is over” and “when we can go out again” - which seems to be starting nowish.

Some of it relates to the concept of your “ghost outfit” - the outfit that you die in is the one you wear forever as a ghost - as many of us feeling like wraiths endlessly wandering the hallways of our own Bly Manor. Except mine is a two bedroom apartment and my ghost outfit is my favorite pajamas (like Annie Sawyer). Siri, play Every Day Is Exactly The Same by Nine Inch Nails. Some of it is the anthesis of the Magical Girl trope.

One of the reasons I loved Jennifer Connelly’s Sarah in Labyrinth is her “ghost outfit” is practical. Consisting of a loose fitting shirt, jeans, and sensible FLAT shoes. She doesn’t look like a princess except for the costume at the beginning (in Drag) and the ballroom scene (the male projection of what she should look like).

But I also carry a deep fondness in my heart for Sailor Uranus. All of the Sailor Scouts are “female” supposedly but this one pushes the boundary of binary...

the language of gender

My friend Angeliska and I have been in this reinvention journey into the non-binary. When they told me about their egg cracking, mine did too. It turns out, our femininity was mainly performative, drag, and it took removing the audience to see how deep that ran into our core beings.

"Please try to refrain from addressing me directly in messages as “Hey lady!” or “Hey woman!” or “Hey girl!” or “Hey mama!” because it makes me feel uncomfortable and itchy. I’m still figuring all this (my gender identity) out, because none of these were options I really knew were available for me, until fairly recently. Even the words/descriptors that are close enough for me, aren’t really quite right yet. One of the most important things that I’m learning is that I don’t owe anyone justification, or explanations. I don’t owe anyone androgyny. And that’s still hard for me - because I spent my entire life being told that I owed everyone a certain, very constrictive, very boring version of femininity. "  -- Angeliska Polacheck

I too feel itchy when people say those things to me. The color pink sends me into a gender dysphoria induced rage. Someone put pink in my hair recently (long story for another blog) and I could not even live with it for 24 hours.

On TikTok, there’s something called a Themlin. Femlin but non-binary. A Femlin, lady-gremlin, is a gal who would be part of the (sassy, woke, feminist) Bimbo movement but is kinda too dirty... A bimbo but make it grunge. It’s a lot, I know, but that’s the shortest way to explain it.

I’m leaning into this Themlin concept. A few months ago I was surprised to find I like jogger pants now. I realized when I wear them with a Henley tank it gives me a gender euphoria from wanting to be Sigourney Weaver in Alien or Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 when I was little. Side note: this tiktok explains why this character was my childhood nonbinary icon. I’m also reverting to wearing bike shorts, something I did a lot as a kid. Basically rediscovering how I dressed when I was a feral woodland “tomboy” child who was definitely definitely nonbinary but did not yet have language for it.

I have my clients to thank for this language. Over the last 3.5 years of owning my own salon, I have watched a few clients blossom as they realize they are trans or nonbinary and progress into their gender identity with gender-affirming clothes or hairstyles. The more I validated them, the more I realized I was validating myself, too.

While concept of my being nonbinary isn’t new, the awareness and language around it is new. For me personally, I did not realize that this also falls under the Transgender category umbrella.

performative feminity

My once bestie of 20 years, although more androgynous when we initially became friends, developed into a High Femme in our 20s and 30s. When we went out I often femmed up to be her counterpart because we liked wearing loosely corresponding outfits. I was always more goth, but in femme drag. It took me longer than her to get ready. When our relationship ended, I realized how much I was changing my aesthetic to meet her halfway, how much money I wasted on clothes I didn’t even feel comfortable in. I took longer to get ready because my gender-dysphoria was making me “itchy”.

Like many Drag performers, the first time I presented as another gender was Halloween, as Wayne Campbell. No one at the party recognized me “without makeup” and I found that concerning, as I knew it didn’t reflect how I thought of myself. I wore that costume all weekend and it was the first time in my life I could get ready in 15 minutes. I also felt more relaxed, less afraid, walking the streets late at night while presenting masculine.

In 2020-2021, taking a break from the glamourous beautician life has made me realize how much of my performative femininity was due to my career, too. There’s this unspoken rule that female-bodied people in the beauty industry have to be “beautiful” and “beautiful” equates to femme, makeup, hair done, etc. It used to take me 2 hours to get put together for work everyday. But a male stylist can throw on jeans and a tshirt and no makeup and be ready for work in 15 minutes. Fuck that, I want that to be acceptable for anyone. Glamour should always be a choice. It should be a treat, not the baseline by which you are considered professional. There are certainly successful female-bodied stylists who aren’t made-up and femme but it’s swimming upstream, not the status quo.

When I first started out, I had black hair just over my shoulders and nothing was shaved (I have a lot of hair so usually some is undercut). It was the hottest summer on record and I had a 2 hour bus journey to get to work every day so I was standing outside a lot. I didn’t want my hair to get sweaty so I wore it in Wednesday Addams braids as a protective hairstyle. My employer pulled me aside and told me I couldn’t do that every day. I didn’t argue, but to this day I still don’t understand why that isn’t professional. From then on I would have to wash my hair every day (because of the sweat) and would leave the house with clean, flat ironed hair that was doused in dry shampoo as a preventative measure. But it would become dirty by the time I got to work, because standing outside waiting for the bus adds sweat and literal road dirt being kicked up by the street. My hair didn’t grow any longer because it kept breaking off. (Shortly after that I quit shampoo and started using a cowash)

It’s so much work that cishet men don’t even consider doing. Part of the way patriarchy keeps female-bodied people under the boot is by keeping us at a deficit of Time & Money. By simply being born in a female body, our existence costs more money. We have to pay for menstruation products, birth control, makeup, hair and other grooming maintenance. We are operating with fewer free hours in the day... many of us with families do the majority of child-rearing, showing up to work without makeup is considered unprofessional so we spend time doing that, sometimes we hang out at venue for longer so that a friend can leave with us, because our safety is constantly threatened simply by being outside while “female”.

Side note, I would be fine with the makeup requirement at work thing, if men had to do it too.. Make Men Wear Eyeliner Again. Requirements for EVERYBODY, or nobody. But to be considered worthy and valuable part of society, female-bodied people have to groom for hours, remove all of our body hair, do the majority of emotional labor in relationships if we’re dating men, are EXPECTED to want and enjoy children.

If you don’t do these things, you are considered invalid. Your value is defined by your beauty as an object, while remaining silent, and ability to bear and raise children. All of this leaves us too poor, distracted, and tired to REVOLT!

So in 2020, I decided I’m done. I’m dropping all the femininity that I learned as a form of daily drag directly connected to my value, and starting over at the base level. This will help me decide what aspects of outer femininity I truly choose to participate in. Of course, I am only talking about Femininity here since I am an AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) person. But the same goes for Masculinity. The value of AMAB people should not rely solely on their ability to embody things traditionally considered Masculine. Toxic Masculinity is an entirely different discussion, however it deserves an honorable mention here since I’m talking about performative gender.

moving forward

The Zoom culture of the pandemic has helped others drop performative gender already. I know people who don’t wear bras for work anymore because they Work From Home. It’s beautiful to see people awaken to their true priorities, what makes them contented and what is an unnecessary drain of their energy.

The lesson here is that life is too short to be living it for other people. I learned this a long time ago when I was a babygoth, but now it translates to gender norms and conscious acts of dismantling the white supremacist patriarchy.

We all have work to do. Something I am working on myself is deprogramming using the term “Dude” in a gender-neutral way. It’s really difficult for those of us who grew up in the 80s-90s. But the thing that changed my mind is when someone said something like “if it was truly gender-neutral then a hetero man would have no problem saying ‘I slept with this hot dude last night’ ” ...touché. Something important to remember is cisgender people don’t get to tell the trans community what words are acceptable for people to use in reference to them. Using new pronouns for someone can be difficult because personally my mouth speaks before my brain fully processes awareness of it all... Like Tourette’s, you don’t mean anything by it but that doesn't negate the impact it has on other people. However, I know from experience on both sides of the situation that if you use the wrong pronoun and correct yourself, indicating that you are aware of the person’s gender identity and are making an effort, it shows you respect them. And that’s all we want. That’s the part that makes us feel seen, even when you make a mistake.

I wanted to end on an esoteric note. In this post, my friend Jonah Welch muses on the NonBinary space being the “Alchemical Point” as in - the point of Transformation between two stationary states. They call it the Divine Androgyny. This is a microsummary, please go read the whole post and follow for more. It’s a really good thing to think about if this blog resonated with you and you’re feeling called to this journey too.

Visibility is important, I want to thank everyone who helped me on this journey myself. There are so many of us out now (including 80% of Gen Z it seems) thanks to the global internet community coming together. It feels like the tide is actually turning and people are starting to get it... including a greater understanding of us ourselves. This is your gentle reminder to love yourself and your Divine Androgyny.

the fun stuff

Here is my “gaylist” I listen to during Pride month and throughout the rest of the summer. Below are links for those curious to explore further.

Helpful Links:

Ally resources for cis people

Transgender Teen Survival Guide

The Genderbread Person

Trans Rosary Circle

Jeffery Marsh for everyday motivation & education

book: Jeffery Marsh - How to be You

Alok V Menon for everyday inspiration

Alok: How Fashion Designed the Gender Binary

TTSG Trans resources masterpost

Gender Expression ≠ Gender Identity

The Truth about Sailor Uranus

Singular “They” is correct English

GC2B, personal favorite chest binders!

I’m not your guy, Dude. Why language really does matter

Thanks for reading. I hope you felt included and seen. Happy exploring & Happy Pride Month!