#QiYuan like QiJiu?

[fairsweetlonging]

have been in a qijiu/qiyuan mood lately, and i was thinking about an au where shen yuan, upon transmigrating, actually loses his memories. he wakes up and has no idea who he is, where he is, who the man at his bedside is. not a clue. the only thing he has is his muscle memory, his sharp recognition senses (he's experiencing a lot of déjà-vu), and blurry fractions of memories that he can't quite make out.

thing is, the memories of both shen yuan and shen jiu aren't actually gone, they start to intermingle, to mix up, a little sister in princess pajamas beside an older brother wearing dirty rags, a bright screen that displays mountain peaks and glittering caves. he's kind and generous the way someone who has never had to worry about food or money is, but he gets vicious and defensive when someone gets too close. sometimes he says cruel things and doesn't even understand why himself.

neither identity fits anymore, both names right and wrong at the same time. it's just... shen qingqiu.

and while everyone else might adjust to this just fine, yue qingyuan does not. because that is shen jiu, but it isn't, but it has to be, but not always. he gets flashes of his childhood friend when shen qingqiu gets viciously defensive over nothing, when he scowls and scoffs and rolls his eyes when he thinks people can't see, but then he smiles, and laughs, and tilts his head in a way that is completely foreign. he likes beasts. shen jiu never liked beasts. but he loves tanghulu, like shen jiu. sweet sugary things. the first time xiao jiu cuddles up into his hug, he cries.

the way he sometimes clings to yue qingyuan when he has a bad day can't be him, but then he says "qi-ge" exactly like shen jiu would and damn near snarls at anyone who gets too close, and he's aggressively possessive the way he was when they were kids. but then he pulls away and apologizes, like shen jiu would never do.

and he never demands anything, scrubbed clean from roughness and filth and selfish want, will act perfect and smiling and pleasant, never burdensome. like he's completely forgotten where he came from, what he was. like the pampered nobleman's son who could afford to be kind. the only time his old self comes fully back up is when he feels threatened or scared or angry, like a trauma response that kicks in to protect himself. and then yue qingyuan starts to wonder if maybe it is. maybe the shen jiu he knows was only ever fear and self-preservation, and the one he is now is a shen jiu without the chains and shackles and scars.

yue qingyuan doesn't know if he's happy for him, if it's for better or for worse. he does know that he feels protective and responsible for this new version xiao jiu has become.

meanwhile shen qingqiu, even when he regains enough of his memories to realize he was once a different person, doesn't know who he is anymore. both, maybe. or neither. he feels bad for taking away yue qingyuan's friend, but in his heart he can't help but think qi-ge is his brother, and no one else's. when he manages the peak he feels like he's taking credit for another's accomplishments, but he remembers suffering for it, he remembers what it took to get there.

[i-like-danmei-ig]

little thingie inspired by the qijiu brainworms

"I'd pull out my still beating heart and place it ever so delicately into your hands if it meant you'd curl your lips and show me even a shadow of the smile you used to have."

like as from Yue Qiyuan to Shen Jiu

[delicioussshame]

I had a chat about YQY and SY, and this happened. Should have another part some day.

Yue Qingyuan had spent an unreasonable amount of time trying not to ponder the particulars of Xiao Jiu’s relationship with Luo Binghe. Nothing good would come out of him wondering if Luo Binghe really was as good a cook as he had heard, and how much that mattered to someone who grew up eating anything he could get his hands on because he never knew when it would happen again.

He has especially tried to keep his mind away from their bedroom. Sadly, he had always struggled with respecting this aspect of Xiao Jiu’s privacy.

The man had never made it easy, visiting brothels despite Yue Qingyuan’s jealous rebukes. As far as Yue Qingyuan knew, he’d stopped after his qi deviation, but if this was what he’d chosen instead, Yue Qingyuan would have preferred he kept visiting his anonymous mistresses. It hurt to know his gender wasn’t the obstacle he’d always thought it was. That the life he’d always dreamed of, and always dismissed as unrealistic, had only been slightly out of reach. If he’d pushed more, if he’d pursued Xiao Jiu with even half of Luo Binghe’s drive, would it have been enough? Xiao Jiu could evidently forgive major affronts, if Luo Binghe’s various outrages could be rewarded with lifelong commitment. Why not his?

It’s too late. Xiao Jiu wore red for Luo Binghe, not for him. Lingering on what could have been is useless. He would never get to taste Xiao Jiu’s skin, would never put the experience he’d gotten trying to forget him in others’ arms to good use. He had to accept it.

Or at least, he had thought he never would.

As the sect master, he was very cognisant of all matters of ridiculous problems the members of his sect could get into. He had, on more than one occasion, stared down at the poor disciple stuck with the chore of informing him of the latest debacle until said disciple was on the verge of tears, too flabbergasted by the utter nonsense being told to respond.

He still hadn’t expected the flower he’d found on his desk to randomly spurt pollen, coating both Xiao Jiu and he in bright yellow powder. They’d both stared at the flower instantly withering in a most unnatural manner before everything that wasn’t Xiao Jiu stopped mattering at once.

He’s never going to be able to work again without getting an erection. It’s a problem.

He’s still torn on the event. Part of him can still feel Xiao Jiu under the tips of his fingers, can still hear his beautiful voice break into his office, can still taste him on his tongue. He could never regret acquiring that knowledge.

Part of him wishes it never happened, if only because it only made him more aware of what he will never have again. It will only be harder to accept Xiao Jiu chose someone else now that he confirmed he is sweeter than in his wilder dreams.

But more than anything, Yue Qingyuan is angry enough he could slaughter Luo Binghe. In fact, he can barely control his rage. Luo Binghe won Xiao Jiu, and what does he do with him? He handles him so roughly that his imperturbable love couldn’t hide his bafflement when his time with Yue Qingyuan didn’t cause him pain.

At first, Yue Qingyuan had thought Xiao Jiu’s embarrassment couldn’t be helped. Who wouldn’t be embarrassed in his position? He, who was usually so in control, lost all of it to a man he spent his life denying. Yue Qingyuan himself couldn’t find it in himself to fake not having enjoyed this. He would have preferred Xiao Jiu’s enthusiastic consent, but since that was taken from them both, there was no point in mourning it.

He started getting worried when it became obvious Xiao Jiu wasn’t only tongue-tied, he was wondering whether to ask something of him. At that moment, when Xiao Jiu still wore the imprint of his teeth and smelled of them both, Yue Qingyuan couldn’t see himself refusing him anything. He gently prompted him to ask for whatever it was, expecting a request for a bath or clean clothes, desperately wishing for a confession of another nature completely.

Xiao Jiu’s actual request wiped his mind clear.

He had answered Xiao Jiu, as he always did. Had channeled Mu-shidi as he explained in his most clinical terms how to prepare a lover and what to use to make the process easier, while planning the murder of the man who couldn’t even bother to ask a whore how to make it good for the man he claimed to love so much. Not that he should have forced himself on Xiao Jiu. By all means, Luo Binghe should have been the one submitting to his shizun.  

He’s still not over it. Can’t get over it. Can’t stop himself from imagining how painful sex must have been for Xiao Jiu to dare ask him about it. Why not turn to the many prostitutes he knew for help? Why wait? Was he afraid of Luo Binghe’s reaction?

Yue Qingyuan is going to kill Xiao Jiu’s husband.