#Proto-dream pop

[savage-kult-of-gorthaur]

BOTH SONGS WERE BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS, BUT THE SINGLE STILL FLOPPED.

PIC INFO: Spotlight on a record advert for the "Sunday Morning/"Femme Fatale" 7 inch single by American rock band THE VELVET UNDERGROUND, released under the Verve Records label in December, 1966.

"The Velvet Underground and Nico have been zooming the breadth and width of the land making a name for themselves and now follow the personal stuff with a potential-filled deck. Tbe top side, "Sunday Morning" is a haunting lyrical emotion stirring chant. Listen very closely, eerie, unusual number back here."

-- VERVE RECORDS, c. 1966

Source: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/779545016766170297.

[pianokantzart]

Why do you think (movie) Bowser is obsessed with Peach? Do you think he takes her personality into account but takes it too far, or do you think it's completely shallow? The imaginary Peaches that popped up during his song wore facial expressions that the real Peach would never wear, plus she seemed genuinely shocked when he proposed, so that makes me wonder how well they even know each other. I'm curious as to HOW they knew each other pre-movie, since they clearly did know each other well enough to have some judgements about one another.

Okay, so this is my take: The main things we know for sure is that Bowser and Peach have been sworn enemies for years, and that Peach's resentment toward Bowser only fuels the flames of his infatuation (pardon the pun).

Some additional details we can glean is that Peach leaves her kingdom pretty regularly judging by the ease with which she traverses surrounding lands and the casualness with which she bids her toads goodbye.

I theorize that Princess Peach has acted as kind of a proto-Mario in the past, traveling around to help various kingdoms combat Bowser's attempts at world domination. Unfortunately for her, her poise, resolve, and especially her beauty, seem to have caught the enemy's eye.

The fact that Bowser's army traveled all the way out to The Mushroom Kingdom for the sake of love rather than for the sake of revenge came as a surprise to everyone, but at the same time Bowser doesn't seem like the type to undergo journeys like that out of pure spite. He had an end-goal; a prize he wanted to claim which... in this instance... was Princess Peach herself.

I think while his "love" is shallow, the reasons behind it are multifaceted: Whatever Bowser wants, he takes. He won't accept no for an answer, and reacts to any sort of pushback with violence. At the same time, for all his power he's an extremely unhappy and lonely person. His minions may respect him and Kamek may worship the ground he walks on, but he can't form a bond with yes-men. Peach is both desirable on an aesthetic level and strong-willed enough that even if he was to force her into marriage, she's not going to just bow her head and fall in line like everyone else.

His ultimate dream is to eventually prove himself so cool, so great, so powerful, so indomitable, that she can't help but fall for him in return, earning him an equal companion, but unfortunately for him Princess Peach values inner strength and a strong sense of morality above any sort of wealth or power.

[rathayibacter]

RATHGAMES

hey yall! just added community copies for all my games that were falling behind on em, and figured it'd be a good time to go over everything ive released so far!

KATABASIS: after your death, you wash ashore in a sunless, brutalist afterlife. use your emotional baggage from life as weapons and tools as you explore this tangled purgatory and try to find a way to escape.

DISPARATEUM: there are an infinite number of worlds in the Disparateum, and the Named City connects them all. explore a city where museum hallways turn into fractal labyrinths, where outdoor markets are held in dreams, where stories are ruled by a council of dragons, where your internet connection is routed through a giant spider, where mirrors hide cruel secrets.

BXLLET: bullets are precious in the apocalypse, despite everyone's efforts to move on from them. with one bullet, you can decide who lives and who dies. with five, you can unlock strange and alien powers. with twenty, you can rule the world, or wipe it out again.

(ive also got RXLOAD, a love letter to all the fantastic BXLLET supplements written since the game's release, and DXMON, a collaboration with Jon East to adapt BXLLET's mechanics for a Chainsaw Man-inspired setting)

CHARCUTERIE: three zines, each about 40 pages long, each with a heaping handful of small games, writings, doodles, and other projects.

ive also got some smaller projects under the break!

STATIONKEEPING: a small index card game for carrying around in your back pocket. slowly repair a space station as you live your life, and occasionally meet friendly aliens or connect your station to someone else's.

NOT WEAVERDICE: a super small Worm proto-ttrpg. i feel like rigid, strictly-defined point-buy power systems go against the strange, flexible, deeply unfair powersets present in Worm, so i made a short guide to making strange, flexible, deeply unfair powersets fun to play with.

MORTAL POPBAT: a 600-page funko pop wargame. build your army and brutally wipe out your enemy's POP!batants. if you actually play this, let me know so i can point and laugh.

WINTERGREEN: a ttrpg campaign that fits entirely in a mint tin. help a small frigid community in a series of short, interconnected quests.

[diceriadelluntore]

Storia Di Musica #326 - Tame Impala, Lonerism, 2012

L’edificio in copertina del disco di oggi (che ricordo è il fil rouge dei dischi di Maggio per questa rubrica) è un particolare di uno degli edifici dei Giardini di Lussemburgo di Parigi. È mostrato sovraesposto alla luce, un po' sfocato in una giornata soleggiata estiva, come potevano farlo le decine di migliaia di turisti in quel luogo quel giorno, ed è opera di Leif Podhajsky, grafico e artista visuale australiano, che decise di editarla proprio come se fosse una foto fatta quasi per caso, mancando il fuoco del soggetto. Con questa copertina, l’artista di oggi voleva esprimere la sottigliezza e spesso l’indifferenza dell’isolarsi contemporaneo, come simboleggia il cancello più a fuoco dell’edificio e del giardino di sfondo. Kevin Parker è stato sin da subito un tipo dalla fervente immaginazione e creatività. Australiano di Perth, sin da giovanissimo inizia a suonare in gruppi rock amatoriali, fin quando non ha un piccolo successo con i Dee Dee Dums, un rock duo dove lui canta e suona la chitarra e Luke Epstein la batteria. È quasi per scherzo che registra in maniera casalinga delle canzoni che pubblica su una pagina di MySpace (ode al leggendario social network), dando a questa idea il nome Tame Impala, in omaggio alla grande antilope africana. Sorprendentemente ottengono un successo per passaparola sulla piattaforma, tanto che una piccola casa editrice australiana, la Modular Recordings, lo scrittura. Parker è “costretto” a ingaggiare altri due musicisti per suonare dal vivo i brani, Dominic Simper (basso) e Jay Watson (batteria). Il 2008 è l’anno del loro lancio: firmano un Ep a nome Tame Impala (sebben la copertina con la scritta la scritta di tre stelle lo fa diventare famoso come Antares, Mira And The Sun) una loro canzone, Half Full Glass Of Wine diviene una piccola hit, suonano come supporter band ai The Black Keys e in numerosi festival, dove il loro suono proto-psichedelico ha un grande successo. Che perdura nel 2009: nuova canzone di successo, Sundown Syndrome, che addirittura è inserita nella colonna sonora del film pluricandidato agli Oscar I ragazzi stanno bene, ancora festival, concerti, critica innamorata di questo suono vintage-moderno peculiare. Nel frattempo Epstein se ne va, e Parker da solo scrive testi e musica del primo (tranne una canzone con Jay Watson), attesissimo, disco dei Tame Impala: nel 2010 viene alla luce Innespeaker, apoteosi di questo gusto del nostro per il rock psichedelico degli anni d’oro (metà anni 60) ma con tocchi pop spiazzanti, ma che funzionano a meraviglia. Disco acclamato dalla critica e dal pubblico, Parker è con il nome di una band una delle nuove sensazioni della musica.

È con curiosità che quando esce nel 2012 Lonerism ci si approccia a questo nuovo lavoro: c’è già chi lo aspetta alla prova del secondo disco modesto dopo un grande inizio. Ma quasi tutti vengono smentiti da un lavoro che prosegue in questo binomio creativo quanto meno singolare tra psichedelia e pop music, ma stavolta lo fa abbandonando le chitarre e il rock per spingersi molto di più sull’elettronica, echi di new wave, accentuando la spinta psichedelica con cascate di tastiere e effetti di sampling. Parker non si nasconde e vuole creare una musica che “sia psichedelica ma che abbia la grazia pop di Britney Spears”. Registrato tra Perth e Parigi, spesso in totale solitudine, solo con il fido ingegnere del suono Dave Fridmann al mixing, il disco si apre con il gioco di campionamenti di Be Above It (quasi un mantra pop), che si ripetono in Endors Toi, in una atmosfera solare, quasi da serie Tv californiana. La stupenda Apocalypse Dreams, primo singolo estratto e una delle canzoni più belle dell’intero repertorio Tame Impala, ha echi lennoniani e un finale che in più punti sembra un omaggio a David Bowie e alle sue esplorazioni spazial-musicali di qualche decennio precedente. La parte centrale del disco è invece quella più marcatamente psichedelica. Nel trittico Mind Mischief, Music To Walk Home By e Why Won't They Talk to Me? si sente il lavoro dietro il mixer di Dave Fridmann, già produttore dell'esordio, ma soprattutto collaboratore fisso di quei pazzerelli dei Flaming Lips. Elephant sfoggia un riff sporco e quasi funk e un determinato assolo di tastiere acide, bellissime sono l'onirica ballata Nothing That Has Happened So Far Has Been Anything We Could Control e la quasi marcetta pianistica di marcetta Sun's Coming Up. Discorso a parte merita l’ultimo singolo, Feels Like We Only Go Backwards, che lo stesso Parker ammetterà di aver scritto pensando a Walk In The Park dei Beach House: una sognante ballata power dream pop, che diventerà una delle canzoni dell’anno, usata in film (Divergent del 2011), serie Tv (The Imperfects su Netflix), e spingerà il disco ai posti più alti delle classifiche redatte dalle riviste specializzate come miglior lavoro dell’anno. Anche le vendite sono sbalorditive: solo Feels Like We Only Go Backwards vende un milione di copie tra fisiche e digitali. Nonostante per alcuni sia un divertissement, il secondo lavoro è portentoso per l’accuratezza di certi particolari, per il lavoro di produzione certosino e per la freschezza generale delle musiche, caratterizzate dall'uso spectoresco degli arrangiamenti, dalla stratificazione degli effetti e da una pomposità e magniloquenza che faranno scuola.

Ancora meglio farà Currents nel 2015: scritto, suonato e registrato tutto da solo, molto più dance, virando ancora di più sul pop psichedelico e sul synth-pop, venderà milioni di copie e vincerà il Grammy come Miglior Disco Rock e miglior Disco dell’anno nel 2016, decine di altri premi e scaraventa canzoni come Let It Happen, ‘Cause I'm A Man, Eventually e The Less I Know The Better a miliardi di visualizzazioni sui siti di streaming facendo di un ragazzo di Perth il nuovo Re Mida del pop internazionale.

[velvetvexations]

It depends a lot on what kinna book one has in mind. I like a lot of 40k, the Culture series. The Discworld and Revelation Space books I've read are fantastic. ASoUE is my great love.

My single favorite work is probably The Great God Pan, which did a lot to inspire my own writing. In fact, my own setting is largely a kinna sequel to it and takes it's name from the Memoirs to Prove the Existence of the Devil, the name of the files the proto-occult detective protagonist (this was in 1895) keeps on supernatural events he's investigated. The King in Yellow, coincidentally released in the same year, is also close to my heart - enough so that I really hate how it's treated by people who try to write about it and completely miss the point.

If you want to read something that really captures the spirit of The King in Yellow, read the short stories The King in Yella, Toward the Banner of the King, and The River of the Night's Dreaming, or play the games Signalis and Who's Lilah?. All are explicitly within the "Yellow Mythos" and are fantastic.

If something names the titular King "Hastur," throw it in a fire and run far away.

They constantly make it about TMEs lol.

It's the most radfem coded thing they could possibly do. Literally over a year ago I conceived of this exchange between two cis women talking about a cis radfem:

They read other people's impressions of Whipping Girl and that's the extent of their experience with "theory."

Yeah, like, I repeat that I mostly saw trans women doing it when it was happening.

I should probably read the story too sometime.

Completely does not engage with the lived experiences of transmascs at all. Ridiculous.

RIP. Maybe he can take the next pop quiz.

[lovejustforaday]

Shoegaze Classics - Loveless

Loveless - My Bloody Valentine (1991)

Main Genres - Shoegaze, Noise Pop, Dream Pop

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock, Neo-Psychedelia, Alternative Dance

DUT DUT DUT DUT VREW VREW VREW VREW VREW VREW VREW

Well, if you knew anything about shoegaze going into this series, you knew that this review was going to be inevitable.

Today I take on the most truly revered shoegaze band, and probably one of the most legendary indie bands of all time. God help me, I'm going to do my best, so here goes nothing. Let's talk about My Bloody Valentine and Loveless.

The Band

My Bloody Valentine is an awesome band. Plain and simple. The name is awesome, the sound is awesome, their public persona is awesome. Just, lots of awesomeness.

Okay, I can probably do better than that. Hmmm... Okay wait, stay with me here.

My Bloody Valentine were originally an unlikely, little-known post-punk band from the 80s, that somehow went on to being one of the most important and influential bands of the 90s whilst only having dropped one record for the entire aforementioned decade.

After a series of lineup changes that coincided with a search for the bands' sonic identity, the true My Bloody Valentine lineup solidified as Kevin Shields, the madman musical genius leader of the crew on guitars and vocals, Bilinda Butcher, a feathery soft-spoken punk on guitar and vocals, Colm Ó Cíosóig as the animated, flappy-haired drummer, and Debbie Googe as the badass butch bassist (BBB) who was originally from the anarchist punk scene.

I've been trying to consistently use the term "British Isles" to describe the epicenter of the initial first wave of shoegaze. I wanted to be careful not to just say "Britain" or the U.K., because that would be somewhat revisionist.

Proto-shoegazers A.R. Kane may have formed in London, but other "proto" bands like Jesus and Mary Chain and Cocteau Twins were from Scotland. As for the band most credited with the true inception of shoegaze by its strictest definition, that would be My Bloody Valentine, hailing from Ireland, folks who often (for very good reason) don't take too kindly to being described as "British". That being said, Debbie and Bilinda are English.

I won't waste too much time going into the history of the band for this review, mostly because this is already gonna be a long one and I've got so many things to say about the record itself. So I'll give you the sparknotes version.

Like most early shoegazers, My Bloody Valentine dropped a few EPs before their first full-length LP, albeit in some completely different genres. C86 style Jangle Pop, Post-Punk, and frigging Psychobilly of all things apparently?

The band really found their sound, and pioneered the definitive collective traits of shoegaze in 1988, signing with Creation Records and dropping the EP You Made Me Realize and, later that year, their debut full-length Isn't Anything which, depending on who you ask, is the first true shoegaze LP (Though a very little known post-punk band named A Primary Industry may have something to say about that).

Shoegaze was invented with the propagation of a new world of sonic timbres discovered through the usage of guitar pedals, and My Bloody Valentine in particular really loved their pedals. On top of those pedals, the band laid a lot of distortion and harsh volumes.

Likeswise, My Bloody Valentine has pretty much always been just as much a noise pop band like their contemporaries The Jesus And Mary Chain. The two scenes overlapped a lot during the first wave (just like dream pop and neo-psychedelia), and some even describe the shoegaze formula as essentially being dream pop + noise pop = shoegaze. Personally I think this is a reductionist definition when there are many shoegaze bands that don't fit nicely into either of those other categories. But I digress.

Isn't Anything was the record that launched a thousand (shoegaze) ships. It's certainly a bit more overtly post-punk in its foundations, and rougher around the edges than what would come next. But I also really do love this record. "You Never Should" and "No More Sorry" in particular are two of my favourite My Bloody Valentine songs.

What came next, however, is a whole different beast entirely.

The Record

I'll start with the disclaimer that everything I could possibly say about Loveless is probably already a cliche by now.

Insanely fuzzy and warm. Layers upon layers of sound that demonstrates a level of musical precision and perfectionism that almost doesn't seem human. Reinvented the guitar like virtually no other record before or since. Oddly arousing and potentially even sapphic if you read into the lyrics (tbf Debbie is a confirmed gay indie icon). Sounds exactly like the neon shades of magenta displayed on the cover art.

2023 is frankly a little bit late to be writing a review about this heavily celebrated 1991 record. Others have already written entire dissertations about this revolutionary LP. I don't promise this is going to be the most definitive and thoughtful review of this record, nor am I anywhere close to being the first or last indie nerd to ever champion and fanboy over this goddamn masterpiece of its genre, but I do wanna talk about how I myself personally experience Loveless.

Funny enough, my favourite memory of listening to this record (which I've been loving since 2015) was actually when I was dog-sitting for a friend's mom at her house in 2018 during the early autumn. The dog herself even seemed to wanna dance with me while I was spinning in little circles to the rhythms of "Soon". I think that's the season when I enjoy this record most - probably a mix of the coolness and crispness of the autumn breeze, and wearing the same kind of cozy sweaters that the My Bloody Valentine members are wearing in like half of their 90s photoshoots.

Okay, enough chitter chatter. Let's get into it.

"Only Shallow" is one of the most iconic album openers of all time, period. Instantly overpowers the listener with those first few overblown snare stabs before exploding into a pounding noise pop delirium of screeching banshee guitars. Letting up only slightly for the verses, where Bilinda Butcher describes something sweet, soft, and warm, in a brazen contrast to the blustering razor guitars that are unleashed after each verse. This track most perfectly encapsulates a pervasive trend across the rest of the album, wherein the sonic mosaic of textures can be described paradoxically as both cushiony and razor-sharp at the same time.

Lyrics and their delivery will continue from this point on to be every bit as textural and vague as the music itself, creating abstract entities that are transient and androgynous. Indeed, I struggled a lot on my first few listens to discern which tracks were being sung by Bilinda and which were Kevin or the both of them. Bilinda recalls that she would often take naps in the studio when they were recording Loveless and would do her vocal tracks soon after being awoken, which lends itself to her very tranquilized delivery in which I feel like I can picture the drowsy bags under her eyes in some of these songs. Likewise, most of this entire album is best appreciated in a half-awake mental state, even more so than other dream pop / shoegaze records.

"Loomer" is the dark underbelly of Loveless, like listening through the old floorboards of a basement ceiling to sounds of the band playing a live house show in the living room upstairs. It's a grainy, gloomy bed of sound that feels as though it could be physically slept on if desired.

I have no idea how many actual layers of track recordings went into the concoction of the heavily experimental "To Here Knows When", but it feels like hundreds. This song is a whirring helicopter blade of thousands of little sounds, scattering everywhere until it creates a thick, opaque, sparkling lilac mist that obscures the upbeat melody that's utterly buried in the fog of noisy drones and distortion. The mastering sounds as though you're listening to all of this happen through a small tubular opening in a giant glass wall, as if all of the tonal anarchy is happening from the other side, perhaps in another dimension. For a bonus observation, this one in particular sounds even more unreal and transcendental when you're tired as fuck on an early morning bus ride after a night of zero sleep (Don't ask me).

"When You Sleep" is probably My Bloody Valentine's most acclaimed and influential song. That de-tuned, icy, fluorescent glowing pop melody motif is seriously addictive, and it sounds almost deranged. The heavily compressed drumming provides the propulsion needed for a track that feels like its intensely vibrating every last quark of matter in its audible vicinity. I really have to remind myself that these crazy sounds are being made by guitars with effect pedals, and not with synthesizers (or, as the meme goes, vacuum cleaners).

The record really crunches in on those guitar textures with "Come In Alone" a track that you'll be hearing echoing in the back of your mind long after its finished (note: this record is NOT recommended to those especially prone to having tinnitus). This track is like all of the blood rushing to your head when you would hang upside down from the monkey bars as a kid. It feels intoxicating in the best way.

The band takes an unsuspecting turn for gut-punching emotions on "Sometimes", likely the only song with a more or less discernible lyrical theming on the record, about sharing intimacy with another person and the insurmountable fear of isolation from someone you love. The timbral effects are applied minimally on this song, but the dozens of recorded guitar tracks drone in a wondrous hum that resonates with the vibrations of a lonely soul. Usually, I'd say this is my favourite My Bloody Valentine song, though "To Here Knows When" and "Only Shallow" occasionally compete for the number 1 spot as well.

"Blown a Wish" is cool, dreamy shoegaze that fizzles and melts in your mouth like an ice cream soda. Pure pleasure is the best way I could describe its sensation, with all of its rippling, neck-tingling guitar effects that dance in and out of the foreground. Alternatively, this is like being high on helium and having so many butterflies in your stomach that you actually start to feel like you're levitating in a luscious trance. Delicious song.

The record closes with its poppiest and most accessible number "Soon", a mix of comparatively light shoegaze psychedelia and alternative dance beats that sounds enormously sexy. Evokes psychoactive substances, gently swaying hips, and grassy fields filled with buzzing fireflies. A very stylish way to end the record and solidify My Bloody Valentine's status as indie music legends.

What Came After That?

Loveless was a certified gold commercial success, about on par with the success of Ride's Going Blank Again, but it was also purportedly so expensive to make that it bankrupted the Creation Records label (serves you bastards right for making Oasis happen) and caused the band to be dropped.

I honestly kind of laugh to myself whenever I think of Alan McGee's pompous ass looking at the numbers and having a panic attack, almost as much as I laugh when I remember how Catherine Wheel gave him a big fat "NOPE!" to being signed after he pestered them. Have I mentioned I really don't like Creation Records ways of doing things?

*seething* ANYWAY, My Bloody Valentine basically disappeared for the rest of the 90s. Members moved on to different projects.

And then, after years of teasing a third record, the band's self-titled mbv was finally dropped in 2013. This one seems to divide fans a lot more than their other records; it wasn't as universally received as the Slowdive comeback record a few years later. This one is arguably more experimental than Loveless, and there's even a couple of tracks with some DnB influence. I think all things considered, it's a pretty great comeback record. I think many folks were probably expecting a Loveless 2, and it probably helps that I didn't even listen to this band before the new record came out, so I had no expectations built over years for this record.

There is allegedly a fourth record (and possibly fifth) LP in the works, but Shields has been teasing at it for years now, and its sort of becoming a running joke in the shoegaze community that we're gonna be waiting another five or ten years.

But hey, good work takes time. After making a record like Loveless, I personally think you've earned the right as an artist to afford yourself all the time in the world. I certainly wouldn't know how the hell to follow upon something that masterfully crafted, and some bands probably wouldn't even try to.

But besides all that, Loveless speaks for itself. It is a singular album experience. Nothing really sounds anything quite like it, to the point that newbies often getting into shoegaze for the first time with this record often lament the fact that the scene is not full of other records sounding just like this. It's for this reason precisely that, if you are totally new to shoegaze, I don't recommend this as a starting point. A lot of other great shoegaze records are unfairly compared to this record a whole fucking lot, and it can have a spoiling effect for some folks. But not every shoegaze band should sound like My Bloody Valentine, or have a Loveless in their discography.

But, at the same time, holy crap this is one of the coolest records of all time and if you haven't already heard it by now then you're doing yourself a huge disservice by not listening to this some time in the next week at the latest. Loveless is something that every fan of music should experience at least once, and there's only a handful of albums that I could confidently make that statement for.

So, yeah. Go listen. (✿ ᵔ ᴗ ᵔ )y

10/10

Highlights: "Sometimes", "To Here Knows When", "Only Shallow", "When You Sleep", "Blown A Wish", "Soon", "Come In Alone", "Loomer", "I Only Said"the

[endcant]

bear with me bc i am drinking THC lemonade

whenever my “people shocked by me being interested in consumer aesthetics counter” ticks up by 1, i know that i have failed to express myself on the internet. i am obsessed with commercial ephemera. it’s not that i like it… it’s something deeper. something… worse? better? something more embarrassing, at least.

the only time i’ve ever done psychedelics my profound realization was that i really, really enjoyed going to target. i like the lights. i am always commenting on the products and whether i think they are on trend or off trend for what i understand the target demographic to be. i love nothing more than to watch someone pick up an object, briefly imagine their life with that object in it, and then either put it in their basket or put it back on the shelf. even moreso when i’m watching a friend shop. even moreso when we can only window shop and that friend starts explaining to me what they would do with the thing if they had the money to buy it.

i studied american pop music history in college and i continue to study the history of bubblegum pop in my free time. i want to eventually write up a video or a series or something about the extended international history of teenybopper bubblegum pop. i am trying to learn music industry jargon old and new in my target languages in an attempt to gain access to information about these things that i can’t access in english alone.

i read early 2010s posts about how minimalism was the only morally righteous visual style with rapt fascination. i had a vaporwave phase exactly one decade ago. my friends in high school would bring me arizona green teas because they knew i would find it aesthetic. my advanced painting teacher hated it because i kept painting pale minimalist watercolor pieces that looked like 90s waiting room wall decor. my dream at the time was moving to santa fe and becoming a fine artist.

i was a proto-cottagecore blogger before cottagecore was named. i have well over 100 blogs, considering i hit 96 at some point during my previously mentioned decade-ago vaporwave phase. i do not bother to count anymore

as a young child, i used to go to the store almost daily with my parents and look for unfamiliar packs of gum so i could assess their packaging, flavor, and concept. i *really* cared about this. i got into this because i was given free packs of 5 gum and orange mountain dew at the halo 3 midnight release.

i learned HTML from neopets and i used to code gaiaonline themes and put them up on tektek. they sucked really bad btw.

i spent around 2 decades looking for the source of a single image of an anime river angel i saw on quizilla because she meant so much to me as a child about the power of what mere images could be only to find last year that the artist now draws hentai on pixiv and their art quality is now quite rushed. i think about this regularly when i think about creators i have idolized, and i don’t know what it means to me, but it feels like valuable information.

last night i couldnt sleep because i kept wanting to get on my phone to look at ancient greek vases on jstor

the worst part is i feel that the way that seeing ONLY consuming-or-not-consuming as the primary way to interact with the world is a serious mental roadblock for people in capitalist society. i think that consumer identity is a tool often used to warp the minds of citizens. i think that if i could go back in time and strangle edward bernays i would. i think that it is meaningful that american society has generated dozens of terms for “someone who is stealing or misusing a cultural signifier, or otherwise engaging with a culture or subculture under false pretenses/without doing due diligence/without participating in proper cultural exchange” over just the past couple centuries and that seeing and acknowledging the cycle is essential for anyone working in the arts

ive spent the past couple years reading up on historical art movements since industrialization to see how other art workers have dealt with their jobs being mechanized away, and ive decided to choose to value myself as a human animal who gets to experience the process of making things with my human animal body.

i am compelled to play piano when i drink red wine and i feel that i’m a fundamentally superficial being in function, but i can be more in purpose. like a poster. like a mask. like someone screaming so hard on stage that you believe them. that you look behind you to see what they are screaming at. i think in symbols and colors front and center, with verbal background chatter like an ever-tuning radio, and i am frustrated when people don’t understand that i am speaking my mind when i show them what i’ve made.

i care about aesthetics a lot. consumer and otherwise. it just so happens that i live in a capitalist society wherein the market attributes value to certain aesthetic information, which generates conversation about what certain images mean, what gives them value, what detracts from their value, what they are responding to, what responses they require in turn. but anywhere, anytime that there is a conversation about aesthetics, i want to be there.

i have always loved to perceive and to make, since the earliest stories anyone has to tell about baby cave. if i lost everything that makes me who and what i am right now, i believe i would still care about aesthetics. if there is anything left for even a cell of my body to experience, it would want to experience it beautifully and enjoy it deliciously.

happy 420

[enyoalkis]

Ask game! 20, 22, 30

These answers turned out long 😅 Whoops!

20. Favorite Hetalia relationship dynamic?

Enemies to lovers - Fruk and Rusame

Like an old married couple - Also Fruk.

Girlboss/Malewife - Aushun, nuff said.

Childhood sweethearts - To me, this is Lietbel (my OTP). They also have a knight/lady or princess dynamic, but this even could apply to Lietpol too because... Feliks IS the pretty princess. 🤣

Arranged marriage - Lietpol because of the Union of Krewo and the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. But I also can see this in Lietbel in historical Hetalia, as the Principality of Polotsk (considered the first proto-Belarusian state) joined with the Grand Duchy of Lithuania to avoid invasions from both the Teutonic Knights and Mongol Empire. It could be a 3-way marriage union... or 4 if you count Ukraine? 😉

22. Top favorite fanfictions?

Oh man, I have a lot! I'm going to list some old fanfics I faved on my old FFNet acc that I used to love in high school though, because I hardly read fanfics anymore.

Nineteen Ninety - VoicesoftheSoul - One of the first fics of my OTP Lietbel I've read.

Belaya Rus: On a Spring Day in 1487 - rev lady mal - Belarus history-centric. This fic first introduced me to learning about the history of Belarus and her long history with Lithuania in the Grand Duchy of Lithuania. There are historical inaccuracies and she comes off as OOC, but I appreciate this fic as an attempt to show her history that is not known in the mainstream in Hetalia-style – and not portray her to be a hostile bitch or have a romantic or sexual obsession over Ivan.

Rings, Rejection, and an Unintentional Fiancé - Anonymous Dream Echo - One of my ultimate fave Lietbel fanfics! I still go back to re-read this here and there despite there being some cultural inaccuracies.

Plastic Talks - Mandelene - This fic kinda helped me cope with my teen angst and issues at the time. Still is a so well-written high school AU of Nyo!America.

Raven Tears - Dontmezwitme - Probably one of the most heartwrenching fics about loss and colonization of the Americas I've read. This focuses on the fanon personification of all American Indians/Indigenous Americans and First Nations raising her twin sons that later became known as the U.S. and Canada.

Childs Play - pupeez4eva - It sadly never finished but this was my favorite comedy fic of nations being turned back into their child selves.

A Colony, a Babysitter, and an Old Rivalry - TheFreakZone - A comedy fic on England planning a date with France but is looking for a babysitter for Gibraltar. Spain volunteers because he wants to claim him back. So many good witty liners!

30. BroTP? Headcanons?

When I was in high school, America/Canada was my BroTP (still love em tho!) but now as an adult, they are Poland/Belarus, Poland/Hungary (sometimes, I ship them romantically 😅), and Lithuania/Latvia!

Most of my headcanons for each here below will be referencing real-life history.

Poland/Balarus:

Natallia sees Feliks more as an actual brother than her "biological" brother Ivan, as they were around each other often for most of their later childhood and adolescent years during the Polish-Lithuania union and Commonwealth. The Belarusian language is greatly influenced by Polish. I know in canon their relationship comes off as more hostile, but I depict them in my head as having a bickering sibling-like relationship.

Because of their history, Natallia and Feliks can speak a vernacular language/dialect that may be a creole and strange mix of Polish and Belarusian: Tutejšy (or tutejszy). It was commonly spoken by peasants since it was simple speech. I read somewhere (can't remember where) that in Lithuania near the Lithuania-Belarus border, you can find some elderly Lithuanian Poles speaking it, except it may be blended with the Russian language too.

Feliks calls Natallia "Nastka," a Polish diminutive of her name. She calls him "Felek."

They both LOOVE gossiping and spilling to each other pop culture tea! I mean, Natallia knows so much countless trivia, even Paris Hilton's dog name, in canon so I can see her being a bit chronically online googling celeb tea.

Poland/Hungary:

They've been besties forever since early childhood, even married at least once before Poland married Lithuania.

Austria definitely has his moments of being jealous of their friendship.

Both are fluent in each others' languages and when they communicate, they speak in a creole language that baffles other countries because it sounds "so strange." Hungarian is not considered an Indo-European language.

Feliks calls Erzsébet "Ela" and "Ellcia," Polish diminutives of her name.

Lithuania/Latvia:

I generally consider them both to be "biological" brothers since they're both Baltic, with Lithuania being the older sibling. Although, sometimes I like toying with the idea they're cousins because Lithuania and Latvia do have diverging cultures/histories.

They love playing basketball together (although, Raivis' true favorite sport is hockey since it's Latvia's most popular sport). And they both act like loud frat boys when watching games, whether in person or on TV.

They both like to pull potato-themed pranks occasionally on Belarus and Ireland, some other countries with high potato consumption and have potato stereotypes.

Raivis has physically aged more since declaring independence in the 90s and his economy growing stronger, so he's now physically 17 – and has grown taller than Tolys!

Both are great singers and dancers, but Raivis is the "better" one.

Unlike Tolys, Raivis does not dislike Gilbert as much, at least not as much as he used to. But Raivis is willing to join in with Tolys in annoying him.

[cozmonaughty]

intro post

aini | 18 | media archive

about me + what I love + socials under the cut ~

about me: hiii my name is aini and i'm 17 years old! this is my blog for sharing the media and music i like (more as an archive) and i'm looking to find others with a similar interest! I love all things 80s and 90s and I'm a pretty big fan of japanese media. I'm currently studying literature, fine art and geography at school, and I'm looking to study graphic design at uni. But in the meantime i like to do character illustrations and paintings.

genres: jpop, jrock, shibuya kei, kayokyoku, techno kayo, trip hop, new wave, city pop, jazztronica, synth funk, r&b, proto hyperpop, dream pop, cantopop etc artists: Yasuyuki Okamura, BARBEE BOYS, Akina Nakamori, Sneaker Pimps,Prince, Chara, Kahimi Karie, Toshinobu Kubota, Kirinji, Panchiko, Radiohead, POiSON GiRLFRiEND, Nelward, Drive45, Nona Reeves, Kenji Sawada, Cibo Matto, Bjork, Ginger Root, Towa Tei + Deee Lite, Denki Groove, The Long Faces, Sheena Ringo, YMO, Ryuichi Sakamoto, HALCALI, Faye Wong, Jun Togawa, The Garden, CYMBALS (+ more i def missed)

Fav album rn: Becoming x by Sneaker Pimps

Fav song: Live 4 Love by Prince

i'll try to keep this post updated if anything changes! links to socials:

links to my art accounts: https://linktr.ee/ikaa

main blogs: @tweehearted / @mitsuwaltz

spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ijonk8655lwzo3dnm45a57tr2

last.fm: https://www.last.fm/user/missy-mitsu

[curseofbreadbear]

SONGS I ASSOCIATE WITH MY MUSES || ALWAYS ACCEPTING! || @bugsbloom

bugsbloom asked: 🎵 For Circus Baby, Cassidy, Cassie, Buster, and Glamrock Freddy (both normal and Proto!)

*breaks knuckles*

End Me - "Tell me I can still prove myself after all these years" // "You know, she's still in me; I'm still a girl who tried to be the perfect daughter" // "I have no sympathy. I've lost my will to care, I'm tired of my life being a nightmare"

Drift Away - "And then she smiled, that's what I'm after. A smile in her eyes, the sound of her laughter. Happy to listen, happy to play, happily watching her drift away" // "You keep on turning pages for people who don't care, people who don't care about you" // "And still, it takes you ages to see that no one's there; everyone's gone on without you" // "Aren't I a fool to have happily listened, happy to stay, happily watching her drift away?"

Copycat - "I'll become what you like; this is what you wanted, right!? Sacrifice all I know, I will teach myself to let go" // "I'm starting to talk like you do; here we go, I'll be gone soon"

What You Want - "Now here's a gift that I can relish; a victim who dies, but cannot perish. Every word that I hear you scream, every second you plead, I will be sure to cherish" // "You know you're gonna burn with me, wait 'til you see what I've got in store" // "I'll always come right back just to watch you fall! And every time we find you, you hide behind these walls; we're gonna break them down!"

Lost Children - "Tell your friends that I'm gone; they won't even care, they won't even stop to find me. Tell your friends that I'm dead, they won't even care, they won't even stop to mourn me"

Handlebars - "Look at me, look at me, driving and I won't stop; and it feels so good to be alive and on top. My reach is global, my tower secure, my cause is noble, my power is pure" // "I can do anything with no permission, I have it all under my command"

The Party Isn't Over - "I'm just lost, it's true, with some déjà vu...like I've been through this over, and over, and over again" // "The party was over, but you're gonna throw it again; throw it over, and over, and over again. It's our show and you know that it won't ever end. Don't bite off more than you think that you can chew, 'cause the party isn't over for you."

The Afternoon - "See the footprints in the cave? I would follow them if I were brave, to find out why there's no second set of footprints in the cave" // "If you take another look in the workings of your pop-up book, there's a secret message left there for you" // "If you choose a place to dig and you make a hole that's deep and big enough, you will find exactly what you need"

In Fact - "Step one: light me on fire. Step two: walk clean away. I won't burn long and evidence of your done-wrong will be gone in seconds, I swear" // "Oh, that's right; I did nothing and you were the mean one. In fact, you even broke my good tape deck. In fact, I don't wanna be friends"

BUSTER:

Awoken - "I've stoked the fire, seen more pain than you can know" // "Pushed by desire to change the way my steam will flow. Now I've awoken and I'm taking back control" // "I try my best to block out the screams, but they're haunting me in my dreams" // "I man these wretched machines; day in, day out, the grinding wears on my brain, undermining my sanity, making me question my reality"

I'll Be Good - "I never meant to start a fire, I never meant to make you bleed; I'll be a better man today" // "I'll be good and I'll love the world like I should; I'll be good for all the times that I never could" // "I've been cold, I've been merciless, but the blood on my hands scares me to death. Maybe I'm waking up today"

Epoch - "Everyone makes mistakes; I've had more than my share, but it's okay 'cause I'm gonna repair it" // "Take it back to the start, I've had a change of heart; I know we can make it better than it ever was" // "We are free to choose our destiny and be the way we want to be, a second chance, you just need to believe"

It's Getting Crowded In Here - "It's something quite peculiar, but we must outmaneuver the ones I've known for so long; they seek your foreign presence, unwelcome adolescence, yet something tells me they're wrong" // "If you need a safe place to hide, or a kind of partner in crime, in me you can always confide; your escape is a metter of time" // "We're facing all this terror, but when we work together, we'll find an answer that's right"

You Are The Music - "You can learn music, let me teach you three simple chords; with a D and a G and an A, you'll reap the rewards" // "You are the music, you are the pulse and the pitch and the time and the tune and the groove" // "You got a knack for the notes and a tantalizing touch with the tune, you got me over the moon"

When Can I See You Again? - "Switch on the sky and the stars glow for you; go see the world 'cause it's all so brand-new" // "Joined at the hip, your sidekick needs you; life is a trip and the road map leads you" // "Let me know before I wave goodbye, when can I see you again?"

PROTO FREDDY:

The Purple People Eater - "I commenced to shaking and I said "ooh-wee," it looks like a purple people eater to me! It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater. Sure looks strange to me!" // "I said, "Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line?" He said, "Eating purple people and it sure is fine. But that's not the reason that I came to land; I wanna get a job in a rock n' roll band!" // "I saw him last night on a TV show; he was blowing it out, really knocking 'em dead, playing rock n' roll music through the horn in his head!"

Monster - "What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?" // "Confused, mind bruised, it seeps out; face-down, home town looks so grey" // "Convexed, you bend, twist, and shout; stand up, brush off, get moving"

Used to the Darkness - "Then my eyes got used to the darkness, and everyone that I knew was lost and so long forgotten after you" // "I'm just a man, I'm only flesh and bone; I can't bring it back on everything I've done. Now there's no one else left to love, I'm used to the darkness"

[eppysboys]

You seem to know a fair amount about visual art as well as the Beatles, and I'm curious if you know any more about the individual Beatles's art collections? I obviously know that Paul is into Magritte and has at least one. I saw that Stella quote recently about Ringo collecting Condo. And I found out today that Paul has some John Bratby in his collection. I've done a bit of googling to try to get more info without much success. Are there any other artists that they are known to collect? And anything particularly interesting about them collecting those artists? Thanks!

Hey anon! Thank you for such a lovely question! This is by no means a complete list, just a starting point. I encourage people to add on to this post. I'll revisit it and add to it when I can comb through books again 👍

John:

(Brian had owned a few of Lowry's works, and encouraged The Beatles + Cilla to collect art as well.)

John had also kept some Stuart Sutcliffe paintings in Kenwood (Many Years From Now + other sources).

Other than that, I can't find too much about specific artists that John sort out just yet.

Paul:

Lots of history and love between Paul and de Kooning, which you can read about here and here.

"Paul's own taste in art and literature veered towards the proto-surreal. In art he was attracted to the dream landscapes of Giorgio de Chirico, Paul Delvaux and Salvador Dali and he admired the paintings of Max Ernst, but it was the work of Rene Magritte that gave him the most pleasure." (Many Years From Now)

"The Scottish-Italian artist Eduardo Paolozzi, one of the leading figures in the British Pop Art movement, had a previous connection with the Beatles: he taught Stuart Sutcliffe painting at Hamburg State Art College in 1961-1962, after Stuart left the Beatles to live with Astrid Kirchherr. Paul is still in touch with Paolozzi, who is occasionally to be seen at Paul's parties." (Many Years From Now)

"The whole of the offices of MPL Communications Ltd was beautiful with fabulous art… I was so taken with the Williem De Kooning tapestries in his inner office… I don’t suffer from envy but here, I have to admit, I was. These tapestries start at 3 million pounds, but I was not so in awe of the cost but in the glory of them. And that this young lad from Liverpool could own so much. But the first piece of art to startle me was a sculpture by the now Sir Eduardo Paolozzi: that was one of the big images that confronted me in Paul’s office, a Paolozzi sculpture, a stainless steel torso." Pauline Sutcliffe

There's also a section of his website: Paintings on the Wall, which have some lovely information about artists Paul is interested in and art history in general.

Ringo:

Ringo seems like a big collector, but I don't think he's really said much on the subject. So, you can look through this auction, which is full of very interesting art that Ringo owned at some point. It seems like he has a real fondness for pop art, obviously. Roy Lichtenstein pieces pop up all the time.

He also owns several of Yankel Feather's works.

And yes, George Condo is a big one. Here's an interview with Condo, where he mentions Ringo (don't yell at me about the 'John and Yoko were arty' tone 😂')

Rail: It would be a fantastic exhibition to put together. Before we conclude I also wanted to talk about your “simulated found objects.” 

Condo: Well, the idea was simple: could I create something so real that it would look like I found it? One day I was having a conversation with Ringo Starr, and we were talking about the song “I am the Walrus” by the Beatles, and I said, “You know there’s always been one thing I wondered about that song. When all of a sudden it sounds like a radio gets turned on, it sounds like 1920s music. It’s obviously the sound of the radio being turned on, and then you hear the orchestra and George Martin come back in.” I said, “Is that a piece of found music that John had and just inserted into this? Because I know John and Yoko were into that kind of thing.” Ringo said, “No, actually, John composed that piece of music to sound like he had found it." (source)

[youreamonocoque]

let your spotify predict your 2024! shuffle your on repeat playlist, and the first twelve songs represent your 2024

tagged by @kyogos thank you! Given that it's literally the end of January I thought I'd finally get around to doing this....Whoops.

Jan: Tonight I Feel Like Kafka - Jealous of the Birds

Feb: Orange Blossoms - GoldFord

Mar: Patience - Take That

Apr: Something Holy - Jealous of the Birds

May: Kickstarts - Example

Jun: Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye, Kimbra

Jul: Tell Me What You Dream About - Hazlett

Aug: Right Side of My Neck - Faye Webster

Sep: Ode to a Conversation Stuck in Your Throat - Del Water Gap

Oct: Smile - Lily Allen

Nov: All Night - Icona Pop

Dec: Across the Universe - Fiona Apple

.....2024 I refuse to have my heart broken again so pls....pls

i tag @iishmael @proto-language @oscar-piastri @justyouwaitsunshine

[odk-2]

The Shirelles - Baby It's You (1961) Burt Bacharach (Music) / Mack David / Luther Dixon from: "Baby It's You" / "The Things I Want to Hear (Pretty Words)" (Single) "Baby It's You" (LP)

Pop | Girl Group | Proto-Dream Pop

JukeHostUK: (left click = play) (320kbps)

Personnel: Shirley Owens: Lead Vocals Doris Coley: Backing Vocals Addie "Micki" Harris: Backing Vocals Beverly Lee: Backing vocals

Big John Patton: Hammond B3 Organ

Arranged by Burt Bacharach Produced by Luther Dixon

Recorded: @ The Bell Sound Studios in New York City, New York USA 1960

Single Released: on December 4, 1961

Album Released: 1962

Scepter Records Sundazed Records (CD Reissue)

+++ +++ +++ Burt Bacharach 1928 - 2023 +++ +++ +++

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Huh, turns out I actually enjoyed the 1950s vampire gunslinger film Curse of the Undead.

The gist: A western town is in the grips of an epidemic (ahem) that only hits the young women. Then the local doctor ends up dead, with the main suspect being a neighbor he’d been feuding with over water rights. When the doc’s son gets killed trying to get revenge on that no good neighbor, the doc’s daughter starts hunting for a a gunman to get “justice”. Her preacher boyfriend doesn’t approve, but he can’t stop her from hiring the mysterious man in black that shows up for the job. The boyfriend would approve a lot less if he knew this fella spends his days in the local the local graveyard, and nights giving his new employer kiss with rather serious hickies…..

Maybe it’s because after watching all those old westerns (Pop’s thing) I enjoy a fresh twist. Or maybe it’s because after watching so many vampire movies (my thing) I enjoy a fresh twist.

Fresh for the vintage I mean. At this point “western vampire film” is a small little sub genre of its’s own. Heck, is there a genre that hasn’t mashed up with vampires?

I guess what I really liked how it merged the classic forms of both genres in a simple and sincere way. It’s like someone dreamed it up after binge watching Gunsmoke ** at Halloween or something. I mean that in a good way! LOL

It’s not some hidden masterpiece, but it has it’s delights. It’s fun it even exists.

Remember folks, don’t do what these folks did. Before shooting at the guy in a black cowboy outfit, check to see if he has a reflection in he nearest saloon mirror***.

**Confession: I’ve just a handful of Gunsmoke episodes in my life. It was before my time and not my thing, so I’ve only seen a few Pop had on cheap “Westerns” DVD sets fished out of Walmart $5 bins. It may be nothing like that show, but I’m using is as an example of “typical backlot western”.

TBH, the only 1950s western tv shows I personally know from watching are Zorro and The Lone Range, but they are already in the “pulp hero”/proto superhero genre, so I didn’t cite them.

***Pity the screenwriters didn’t toss in that gag. You know, like while everyone is astonished that a perfect shot missed, pan to the the reflection of the gunfighter except it looks like the door opens itself. But the film using the fact bullets can’t kill vampires for an undead gunslinger is good enough I guess.

[ebelal56-blog]

The SECRET Latin-Sanskrit Connection Exposed

Join Jeffrey Armstrong in unveiling the secret connection between Latin and Sanskrit languages. Discover the fascinating similarities and connections between these ancient languages in this eye-opening video. Isn't it fascinating how languages, those intricate webs of sound and meaning, can trace their roots back to a single source, a whisper from the past that has echoed through millennia? Latin and Sanskrit, two ancient tongues, are like distant relatives, sharing a familial bond that stretches back to Proto-Indo-European, a language that existed long before any of us could even dream of writing it down. Imagine that! A time when our ancestors spoke in a way that has shaped the very foundations of communication as we know it today. When we delve into the world of comparative linguistics, it's like being an archaeologist, sifting through layers of history to unearth connections that reveal the shared heritage of humanity. The similarities between Latin and Sanskrit are not mere coincidences; they are the remnants of a common ancestry. Take the word "mater" in Latin, for instance. It rolls off the tongue with a certain elegance, doesn't it? And then, there's "mātṛ" in Sanskrit, a word that resonates with warmth and reverence. Both words mean "mother," and they spring from the same Proto-Indo-European root, "*méh₂tēr." It's a beautiful reminder that, despite the vast distances and differences that separate us, there are threads of connection that bind us together. The complexity of these languages is astounding. Both Latin and Sanskrit boast intricate inflectional systems, a linguistic dance where verbs, nouns, and adjectives morph and shift to convey meaning. It's a system that requires a deep understanding of context, a mastery of nuance. In a way, it mirrors the complexities of human relationships-how we adapt our words and expressions based on who we are speaking to, the situation at hand, the emotions we wish to convey. The way we inflect our language can reveal so much about our intentions, our identities, and our histories. And then there are the cognates, those delightful linguistic treasures that pop up like familiar faces in a crowd. They remind us that language is not just a tool for communication; it's a living, breathing entity that evolves and transforms over time. When we look at cognates between Latin and Sanskrit, we see echoes of a shared past. Words like "pater" in Latin and "pitar" in Sanskrit, both meaning "father," resonate with a sense of continuity. It's as if the voices of our ancestors are whispering through the ages, reminding us of our shared humanity. Understanding these connections is not just an academic exercise; it's a journey into the heart of what it means to be human. Language is more than just a means of communication; it's a vessel for culture, history, and identity. When we study the relationships between languages, we gain insights into the migrations of peoples, the exchanges of ideas, and the evolution of societies. It's a tapestry woven from the threads of countless lives, each one contributing to the rich fabric of our shared heritage. As we explore the depths of Latin and Sanskrit, we are not just uncovering the past; we are also illuminating the present. In a world that often feels divided, these linguistic connections serve as a reminder that we are all part of a larger narrative, one that transcends borders and cultures. The words we speak today carry the weight of history, the echoes of those who came before us, and the promise of those who will come after. So, the next time you utter a word that has its roots in Latin or Sanskrit, pause for a moment. Consider the journey that word has taken, the lives it has touched, and the stories it has told. In that moment, you are not just speaking; you are participating in a timeless conversation that connects you to the very essence of humanity. Isn't that a profound thought?

[ayearwithoutwater]

Six.

“Love Again” was one of my immediate favorites upon the release of Dua Lipa’s 2020 album Future Nostalgia. I remember thinking that that album was a solid pop record: its sledgehammer hooks are underpinned by immaculate grooves, and its sonic palette yearns for the disco ‘70s. It’s no surprise, therefore, that 2020 was also the year that I finally educated myself about the music of the inimitable Donna Summer.

I was raised on the piano. My mother had a great love for the instrument but never had the time to learn, so she would live her dreams through me. Beginning as early as age five, I was expected to practice daily on the household piano, originally an old upright piano that was later swapped out for a baby grand Kawai. During car trips, the radio was only ever attuned to classical stations.

Naturally, as I grew up, I developed my own likes and dislikes. Through my bedroom radio, I discovered the likes of Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne, and Hilary Duff via Radio Disney. Classmates introduced me to LimeWire, which came into my life just before MySpace did, too. Although it was more widely known for being the proto-Facebook, MySpace was also the premier venue for music discovery, in which I would get lost for hours as I scoured for new music. I wanted the coolest song to display on my profile by musicians who were obscure-but-not-too-obscure, and it’s how I came to be a fan of Taking Back Sunday, Something Corporate, and Senses Fail. Music became my first love because I, like so many others, sought to escape an unhappy home; a catchy melody could take up residence in my head, and obsessing over lyrics occupied my mind. My school journals from this period of my life are still covered in my scrawled doodling as I incorporated into my imagination the lyrics of Hot Fuss, my favorite album by The Killers.

One June day after my big breakup, I wandered SoHo with my sister. In the downstairs section of the MoMA Design Store, she played the opening chords of “Clair de Lune”—one of my favorite melodies of all time—on a standing keyboard, evoking a deep sense of nostalgia from within me. As she played, I told myself that, if I managed to patch things up with Henry, I would play the piano with him.

I can pinpoint the exact moment I realized Henry was falling for me. We had been dating for a couple of months, and I was randomly scrolling through his Instagram feed. (Habitually, on social media, I mute or suppress notifications from the men I date unless I think it’s become serious enough to unmute.) I came across a recent video he’d uploaded of himself sitting at an upright piano in his parents’ home, playing his way through and singing “Love Again.” Partway through watching the video, it struck me that he was singing about me.

I have to admit, I was charmed.

We were still in the early stages of our relationship at that point, but all the signs were there of something more taking root. We were spending all of our time together and I had begun to meet his close friends. He was constantly in my apartment to the point that we were starting to discuss eventually moving in together. I knew he was special, I knew I needed to protect him, yet still I feel like I ultimately screwed it up.

When it all ended, I tried to find refuge in music. (I was basically catatonic, anyways, so all I could do was lay in bed and listen to the same sad songs on repeat.) Each year, I create a playlist of songs that I’ve come to enjoy during that year; 2022’s playlist, however, is still a field of landmines for me all this time later—listening, even now, only transports me back to the darkest chapter of my life, where all I could think about was him, him, and him.

Some of those songs include: Tina Turner, “Private Dancer” Harry Styles, “As It Was” Percy Sledge, “Love Me Tender” Kehlani, “altar”

In my time of need, music also had a funny way of finding me.

Before this, I’d never spoken to my parents about my love life. It’s a subject for another time, but suffice it to say that credit should be given where it is due: my mother tried. When she learned what had happened, she suggested that I go back to California for a brief reprieve. So, with my tail tucked between my legs, I went home. That year, I returned to California more times than I did in the past half-decade combined.

In my (American) hometown, I tried to recuperate. Being away from the hustle of New York and being away from Henry, I hate to admit, did bring me some measure of relief. I spent time with my loving, dopey, three-legged dog as well as my friends from high school. I even tried to shoehorn myself into (ill-advised) hookups, rationalizing that I needed to learn how to mingle once more.

I agreed to meet one man, someone I'd met only once before, but neither of us was able to host this time. He came up with a solution, claiming that he had a friend who'd offered us their house for our use. The address he gave me looked suspiciously familiar, but still I drove to it, bad idea notwithstanding, because I was a shell of myself and I no longer cared about propriety.

I showed up. I knocked on the front door, he let me in, and we did the deed. Post-coitus an hour later, after I had put myself back together, I left, and—instead of going straight to my parked car—I went next door and rang the doorbell.

The door opened, and I was greeted by my childhood piano teacher.

Because I don’t often revisit my hometown, I’m sometimes asked to look in on her. As I took a seat in her living room, I looked around—two grand pianos side by side, a couple of dogs, a few cats—and recalled all the years I spent in that very same room, oftentimes a welcome reprieve from my quarrelsome parents. She was a fierce, blunt instructor who hailed from Beijing and possessed a strong streak of kindness. She taught me more than just music theory: her home was where I learned how to regularly interact with pet dogs and cats, and it was where I had my first taste of (my now-beloved) oxtail. After one instance of my childhood self breaking down in tears as a result of her tough reprimands, she softened her approach with me and we developed a good rapport.

I hadn’t seen her since I graduated college, so we had a lot to talk about. I told her about my life in New York and that I was in town to attend a wedding, which prompted the evergreen question of when I myself would be getting married. I wasn’t quite in the mood to come out to her at that moment, so I explained to her my ongoing breakup with my “girlfriend.”

She admonished me, telling me not to give up. She told me to go back to “her” apartment every day, with flowers and gifts, until “she” either shooed me away or, God willing, took me back, because that’s what a man does when he’s truly devoted to his partner.

I merely nodded along. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’d spent months sending “her” red roses and apologies between New York and Singapore, that I’d bawled my eyes out every night, every week, that I grieved the disappearance of the one person out of all my past lovers I ever wanted to marry, that I was functionally a zombie because I’d lost my better half forever. Thus, I listened to my piano teacher and pretended to agree that I would go back to New York and make all my amends. By then, I already knew that “she” wasn’t ever coming back.

My teacher switched topics to idle gossip. I updated her on the activities of my immediate family; she talked about her neighbors. Interestingly, there was one neighbor in particular who she’d known since he was six years old. Now in his thirties, he was openly gay and still lived in the same house. She’d installed security cameras all over her property and even once called the police to investigate the strange men coming and going from his home…because he lived right next door.

After our visit ended, I drove to a random plaza, where I sat on a nondescript bench and mulled my thoughts over a blended taro slush drink and pan-fried soup dumplings, alone. She’d told me not to give up, but I knew I had to; I was certain that I needed to move on.

As I ate, I pulled out my phone—with its battery at less than five percent—and began another listen of my 2022 playlist.