#Pretty life-changing stuff actually
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Armored Core 4 & For Answer
Killing 100 million oligarchs and nepobabies responsible for rendering earth's environment almost inhospitable unless you live in a walking fortress
If i didn't, it would become completely inhospitable and nobody would go to space to get away from the irradiated earth and we'd go extinct
Like an Orca, sinking a nuclear super yacht poisoning the planet.
The catharsis was intoxicating to my 22 year old brain.
youtube
The crash didn't kill the oligarchs however, but they did die.
You see, there is no logistical system for them on Earth's surface.
The oligarchs overspecialized to exclude us down here as a political move.
All you did was put the nepotists and oligarchs in your situation.
They turn on eachother and end up eating eachother, trapped in their own superstructure. Trapped in their own politics.
You didn't need to eat the rich:
They did it to themselves.
How sublime.
#Armored core#Armored Core 4#Armored Core For Answer#Mecha#What I expected#What I got#Hooo boy#Pretty life-changing stuff actually
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character that unironically came to me in a dream??
#super fast sketches bc i didnt wanna forget the design#fun fact even in the dream i wasnt sure about her design#like. her ''''''''normal'''''''' hand kept changing from actually normal to the one i drew here#same for the legs. from normal to bird-like bc i couldnt decide#from what i remember this isnt her original form?? like. She got infected with a parasite that transformed her body into this#but it kinda went wrong bc the transformation isnt complete or smth#she couldnt remember anything before the transformation. Also the parasite could talk to her i think??????#she was pretty cool with it tho#she also uhhh woke up? in a foggy minecraft taiga?? and the spawn chest was filled with like#stuff and armor that only she could use#i cant draw armor for the life of me but iirc it looked like the one malenia from elden ring has. at least the helmet#anyways yeah im done yapping i swear#tamyart#oc stuff#one thing that i absolutely love about her are the wings#she has two wings btw. just all on her left side for some reason#yknow what she reminds me of. Chelshia from khimera: destroy all monster girls#<- absolutely maniacal name but i swear that game is so fucking fun
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Does ink has disorder of any kind?
I assume this is related to Ink in Perseverance lol. Okay, s o. I tend to write Ink with some tendencies that I have because it's easier to write more realistic depictions of things if I draw from my own life as inspiration lmao. As such, the only thing I am confident saying he has is social anxiety, as that is the only thing that I'm officially diagnosed with.
That said, I've seen people comment that he displays depressive tendencies, as well as having vivid flashbacks and tends to dissociate as what is sometimes typical of PTSD. Since I mostly write these things based off of personal experience, I am hesitant to say he has these things lol, especially since "mental health testing" doesn't exist in my world as much.
Does that mean he doesn't have them?? E e e e h h. Let's just say the only thing I am 100% sure in saying he has is social anxiety✧˖°.
#I tend to write Ink having a lot of self image issues and anxiety in my other fics too#I can just write more realistic depictions of stuff if I draw inspiration from my own life#Like s u r e; I can do research and write about things I haven't personally experienced pretty well#I just find it gives it that ✧˖°.personal touch✧˖°. if I write about things that I know what feels like#Besides it just hits d i f f e r e n t you know#Ink's canon soullessness; although not delved into in my main fic as much#It's just got so much angst potential man#It's so good#I am fine with any other headcanons though#I've had neurodivergent people say they could relate to my Ink a lot#And I honestly think that's a based and sort of really cute headcanon so I completely support it#Even if I don't explicitly make him neurodivergent lol#That might change in the future if I get freaking diagnosed with more stuff#'Cus then I can safely tell my imposter syndrome that I have clearance to give the disorder to the characters#It won't be able to argue “wElL tHaT's NoT a *ReAl* DePiCtIoN oF dEpReSsIoN-”#Because it'll be like “sike; it actually is 'cus I was officially diagnosed with it heheh✧˖°.”
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actually so evil how much of hal's internal world gets obliterated with the rewriting of his relationships with jessica and martin.
#hal jordan#empyrean posting#ok going in the tags because im not actually v confident in my understanding of his character. i read all of his 80s/90s stuff but forgot#90% of it but ANYWAY.#so much of him just does not make sense with how geoff johns characterises him and his relationships with his parents particularly the#parallax stuff simply because of how much his relationship with the guardians and their apathy/'betrayal' is influenced by hal's original#relationship with his dad. like at its heart it's pretty much the same dynamic in how hal blindly trusts and sort of idolises the guardians#despite their repeated infractions in hope of... something in return just as he had with his father and the abuse he suffered at martin's#hands. that's what makes his anger at the guardians make sense when it does show itself because the relationship parallel didn't stop there.#as with martin hal gets nothing for his devotion. he gets nothing for doing everything that's asked of him and more and it ends the same way#too: with a man in the sky burning like a newborn star. and you lose so much of that nuance and intrigue behind that if you just make#jessica the 'bad one' because!!! you cheapen it!!!!#the whole idea of hal is that he has his father's face but his mother's scars#(to me). in the sense that they both reacted to martin the same way with that cognisance of who he was as a man yet inability to pull away#because... love. both the love they had for him and the conviction that he did or could love them too. and jessica arguably did eventually#but also she didnt did she? because she held onto that notion of love till the very end. the few scraps she had she ballooned outwards until#they became the whole. but hal didnt have even that and he spent his whole life chasing it & running away from wanting it at the same time#like i think there's something so interesting to the fact that he had to be convinced that flying was what he wanted to do. how much of that#was touched by his father? the fear that he was already too much like him than he could bear to be? he already had his face now he had his#dreams and longing for the sky. how much more could he have before he began repeating the cycle?#and at the end he even had his father's death. burning in the clouds. like there's so much there and that's not even touching on how it#impacts his relationships with other heroes. not just in the sense of why did kyle clark and diana get to keep their close yet complex#relationships with their moms when hal had to lose his (although yeah why did they) but also just how he lets himself come across to them.#because it's on purpose right? that he lets them think his reflection of his father is born out of unadulterated love for a man worthy of it#? he has his father's job he wears his father's jacket he smiles his father's smile. what else are they supposed to think.#and isnt that interesting!!! that this man who is so committed to being good & just can lie so casually to people he thinks of as friends!!!#can you see how that might be his mother through and through!!! in how she might have glossed over the abuse to other people and herself!!!#can you see how in spite of it all he might want to be perceived as his father that paragon of masculinity and resent that he is not!!!#do you understand how everything he loves has been poisoned!!! im thinking of that scene where he tells bruce about watching martin die &#wouldnt it have been so much more interesting through this lens. how he is both revealing & obfuscating at once. i hate the change sm
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the boy-but-not-that-way-ism of riz gukgak send tweet
#not art#have been chipping away at a more... proper? so to say. piece of the kids for keepsake. and since its of them at the beach Im rotating#gender stuff in brain again. riz and gorgug ping a lot of the like funny gender stuff in my brain#very specifically adjacent to cultural understanding of it all... like I did say I do think riz has a gender and it can be#translated to ''man'' in solesian understanding but also that boy has close to no self awareness nor does he want to#he grew up as ''goblin'' before ''boy'' and it's kinda how he perceives himself. got a gender but doesn't wanna do much with it#kinda imagining him seeing his grandparents again and realizing that there's a gap there between himself and his grandpa too#and sitting with that for a bit. not for long that kid doesnt do that but for just a little bit#man I truly really do love that riz is aroace. my boy of the unquantifiable unimportant margins....#gorgug though is 100% trans lmao. there's a kinda distance to his own body in how he acts#that's kinda common in ''mad scientist'' characters? (or maybe my perspective's just skewed due to willow jenkins lmao)#kid spent the first two seasons fitting himself in places he Should be able to fit. and s3 is pretty much all about him Making New Spaces#thing is despite looking ardently for like. the reason Why he can't fit in in the first season I think gorgug really does#love his gnome parents and love being their child. and its confusing and tough to have to learn why something you love still hurts you#he wants it to not. he wants to make sense. and then it does and it changes nothing really#until he actively makes choices based on what he's learned. like. damn idk how to word it but#just like the ability to say ''actually this Is my life what are u gonna do? stop me from living it?'' is a powerful force#its rly fun to look at these two guys in these contexts thats like#they will never win the gender game just by virtue of being who they are. it's not designed for folks like them to win#but riz would simply not play and gorgug would design his Own game he's the champion of. and I think that rules
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2024 reads / storygraph
Life Underwater
adult contemporary
about a man navigating his relationship with his partner after they move in together, having never been interested in relationships before; as well as bigoted people questioning their relationship, (as he's Muslim with a younger white partner)
along with dealing with the fact that his partner is a with a marine biologist - and he’s extremely hydrophobic due to trauma, but wants to find a way to be involved in what his partner is so passionate about
trans grey-aro ace MC, nonbinary LI
#life underwater#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#aromantic books#asexual books#I enjoyed this overall!#great exploration of a aromantic mc with one exception; as well as a sex repulsed asexual in a relationship with an allo#in the midst of so many demi-aspec romance books where the demi character is like I haven’t felt attraction before#or been in a relationship but i WANT to and I’ve never felt HAPPY/RIGHT about my aspecness etc etc it’s so refreshing to have a#arospec character that’s like yeah I was secure in being aroace but then this one person changed things#but if this didn’t work out I probably wouldn’t seek it out again#(though being aro-spec-ace rather than allo-demi is part of the reason for the difference)#(obviously the former is something that people experience. it’s just. i get it! every demi book! okay!)#(anyway. this felt like a breath of fresh air in that regard)#I think the structure of the narrative is a bit strange - it’s very slow to start#and sort of deals with some stuff in the first half and then completely different stuff in the second; and also honestly after the build up#I expected it to deal more in depth with him actually dealing with the phobia. but then it just sort of ends#I am also hesitant about a book by a white author (pretty sure) that has a Muslim MC that deals with racism/islamophobia#- I don’t think there was anything bad about it specifically….. it’s just i would usually not pick up Books By White Authors#Exploring Racism over a book by a Muslim author. i mean obviously this is a very small selfpub book so like whatever I guess.#just as a note.
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Sorryyyy for dropping off the face of the earth; got kinda shy after that last post but mostly I’ve just been writing though I cannot guarantee that any of that will ever be finished (also I’m very insecure about my writing AAAH). Figure I might as well post the valentines I had done (like two months late lol); interestingly this turned into more of a hand lettering exercise than I was expecting lol
#len’en#yabusame houlen#suzumi kuzu#tsubakura enraku#haiji senri#art#digital#there was one more but I’m not confident it’s like. funny? and I have stuff I’d eant to change abt it#and these four have pretty good comedic timing as a set so I’ll just leave well enough alone#also had plans for a Kuroji and uhhh Xeno a but those haven’t panned out#you’ll have to excuse me I’ve been going off the rails and also have not fixed the meds situation (I’m completely out atm)#started like four fics; yes they are all suzutsuba and there is. so much sex (not described/on screen but STILL)#didn’t manage to stay away from Hamal Cine Bad End either jfhshsjfb#too nervous abt talking yo pol rn to leave comments but zaranthropy if you’re reading this I owe you my life#also I think I said I was inspired on something by dissociation constant and then when chapter 2 came out I relized it was something I had#completely misinterpreted but I’m too embarrassed to actually go and check lol……#*talking to ppl sorry I had to turn off my autocorrect cause it was being compeltely unreasonable#OH YEAH also this Haiji design was a little bit inspired by a redesign of them from uhhhhhhh who was it. idk most of their blog is gone but#I’ll go check my likes#anyway I like how they tuned out also that joke came to me several days after valentine’s and gave me the idea for this whole thing#edit: can’t find the post anymore for some reason but I think yhe name was like chiosu or something?#did somebody go delete their blog while I wasn’t looking
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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actually y'know what i guess i'll talk about it while i'm here
i think about this scene a lot regarding him and (obviously) this episode in general, but especially when slinkman is like... actually a character that gets development and changes over the course of the show, it really does say a lot to me
and with the placement of scenes here, it's right in between lazlo, raj and clam getting slinkman to muster up the courage to show off his past aspirations, to give it another go, only to be reminded of how all that turned out, panic, and flee back to what's comfortable... aaand in between him finding out everything is actually lumpus' fault, and very purposefully sabotaging a budding dream, at that
and i think he's sort of gone through life in this way for a long time, this humble and passive acceptance of the roles and duty he's been placed in, of the world around him deciding who he's supposed to be. especially to lumpus. a best friend, sure, but nowadays an assistant, an emotional support crux to keep him (and the camp) from falling apart. i've always ran along with the idea that running camp together was lumpus' idea from the start, and look how it's turned out
i love how he says "pull yourself together", too, the tone he has as if he's scolding himself for daring to think or try to be anything like that again, that he should know better by now, when the moment's far passed
although, i don't think fame and danger/excitement are what he really wants out of life, even deep down — not anymore, at least. in the end, it's a lot more about healthy self development and sort of taking back "control" of his own path in life, right? and at the same time, a little of all that now and then wouldn't hurt...
see i've been typing this out for an hour but forget everything i just said and let's get slinkman a motorcycle
#camp lazlo#talk#slinkman#analysis#and okay maybe i am little obsessed with him tying the neckerchief here but#it's just such a good way to... show this little moment i guess#looking right in the mirror#i'm a bit specific about slinkman too so keeping this in mind while figuring out post-story stuff is interesting actually#because the ''what do you really want to do now?'' question does have to come again...!#and it'd be pretty easy to have him chase this sort of thing again; to even take over as scoutmaster; and that is sort of#the ''obvious'' thing to do; right?#but maybe i just have other thoughts about how he's changed#(...and i just am not really convinced that slinkman as scoutmaster would be very entertaining without lumpus to bounce off of LOL)#cus another thing that i think sort of dominates his life is like... monotony#working is like breathing to this fucking guy#and i feel like he could really use some summer vacation himself#let's get him a motorcycle. okay. i need to think about this#another great thing about this episode is that i love pretty much any and all instances of slinkman sticking it to lumpus in some way#(talking about two fictional characters fighting with each other) it's fun; it's healthy; it's free!#and the background music here before it's crashed by lumpus... LOL
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first half of 2016 is interesting for claire. she’s having to retake classes and visit admin every other day because she thought dating her professor was a good idea. it was not. he’s out of a job and it doesn’t look like she’s graduating in may! she thinks it’s stupid because it’s not like she was using the relationship for grades. rolling eyes emoji. and then addison is not on speaking terms with her because #fuckclaire and her stupid selfish hypocritical self. and then they’re cast in a movie together and they have to act as if they’re best friends. did i mention the cult? claire is having a bad time and you know what happens when she’s having a bad time. a weird man is always there to prey on her and this time he calls himself her benefactor, and claire loves a title. maybe things will get better now #TRUST. oh also addison’s mother dies and sebastian is here too.
#i want claire and sebastian to get into the cult in a similar way. so when they finally talk again and claire tells him what’s going on he#realised this entire thing is Actually a cult and they’re preying on people who aren’t in a good place in life#<- if you think about it it actually takes a very long time for claire to get into the silver circle. like. right.#i know pixelberry went for the Evil Guys Control The Industry angle but um… this makes me a bit uncomfortable. haha! let’s think of#something else while still being critical of the hollywood industry and what it can do to vulnerable people#also i’m pretty sure they were inspired by scientology. still sad there wasn’t a tom cruise stand in#anyway. sebastian realising claire is in a very similar position to the one he was when the silver circle approached him years ago is what#motivates him To Do Something. because it’s like wow this whole thing is bullshit.#i think i’m maintaining the idea of claire being lured into the silver circle by the promise of Getting Funds For A Movie. hollys movie#like in canon. but maybe i’m changing how exactly that works. because in game this is the point where pixelberry starts to distance#mc from acting/fashion/directing and more to the role of Producer because it was easier to write around/code. lmao. and i hate it#so im going to think about claire and holly first before deciding how this happens. but i want it to be like. Light in the Darkness#i like the idea of the benefactor not ever getting in contact with claire throughout all of her years in hollywood university#she receives that first letter when she gets in and her tuition is paid regularly but no word from him#until this point. which i think would factor into her decision of joining the silver circle and stuff#okay that’s enough rambling#oc: claire swanson#oc: sebastian ballion#also. worth mentioning. i think hunt gets pretty depressed about losing his job lmaoo and claire is like damn what do i do#i don’t think he blames her because it’s was really his own choice. but humans are more complex than that in the end he did lose a#significant part of his life which he has put um. many years into. and claire feels guilty about it
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Yeah, I did fill 4 sketchbooks in 4 months so far this year. Huh? Am I gonna post even an ounce of it? Well, you see, I am allergic to my phone, so you will have to come CATCH ME
#da#nooo but I am so saddd it's so much easier to show stuff off irl 😭#if it could look even halfway decent I've considered doing flip throughs of sketchbooks on video#except I draw in pencil and cameras hate that and want me to explode#idk it is truly just better to somehow gain access to my terrible trove of sketchbooks#no but man that sounds like such an ideal hang out. get all my oc lore by sitting on my floor with me as we go through the archives#gosh I should count how many I've filled up at this point#I love that the number increases exponentially as the years go on#like I think 2018 began the precedent of 4 a year minimum which was kinda wild#another ridiculous difficult project I have given a lot of thought to: combing through every sketchbook and either redrawing#or printing off important story related bits and compiling them all into a convenient binder. maybe binding them into a book.#anyway it's pretty much all a drag no matter how you slice it#come to my HOUSE and look at my CREATURES#u don't know this bc I've learned to be silly sneaky but I have stayed up wayyyy too late AGAIN#but I've scheduled this to post at a normal time so you'll never know. unless you read the tags. but that's its own punishment isn't it#hey bonus enticement to look at my boo stuff that doesn't get on the blog. there's smut. and you KNOW I'm a coward who shan't ever post that#actually we'll be lucky if I'm not the same coward in real life too#it's only Dick and Vinny. they get rights. i don't care if anyone else has sex. I don't care if I have sex.#the one song I hope I don't have sex. I hope we both don't have sex. that's actually Vinny though.#I'm more sex favorable and sex positive than he could ever be#y'know this is a very 4am convo to have and actually how prepared am I for this to live in a pm afternoon time#welp. maybe I should stop being addicted to tags and letting loose all my secrets#I shan't grow I shan't do better and I shan't ever change. this is the da promise <3
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was looking through old posts and i'm surprised to see that i seemingly didn't have any commentary on anything in 3 in chapter 7, 8 or 9, the posts related to 3's story go from "my first reaction when i saw yopple-bot was 'i love you. but also you are definitely the boss for this chapter-'" to "i have been in hell all day. hell being bada-bing tower." funny to me cuz those chapters are like, the best ones sdfkljsdfjfsdkjlfsdjkl-
#puppy rambles#yo-kai watch#yw3#i love dukesville. yo-kai watch wild west. though also everyone in bbq talks like they're in the wild west-#i don't blame myself for not having any commentary on hazeltine mansion tbh. it sucks ass. i mean it's kind of fun but like#god is it annoying. i think using the mechanic of switching between nate and hailey for puzzles is a cool idea but. bad execution#very bad execution. it is so annoying#especially the section where you're in the basement and have to use the drill a bunch#... why are there prison cells in the basement anyways??????? i just realized how fucking weird that is-#i'm mostly just annoyed by the dining room puzzle tbh. i KNOW the fucking answers but verygoodsir is an ASSHOLE for some reason#and won't let me choose the FUCKING CORRECT DOORS#3's so fucking amazing tbh. i really wanna replay it soon. don't wanna have to delete a save file though#wish 3 had three save files like 1 and 2. i get why though i mean it's the biggest 3ds game klsfdjfskjfsdjksdf-#i wanna like. actually use my originyan for once. i might just end up using nyases ii instead tho fsdkljjdsfjskd-#i love every chapter in 3 after nate and hailey meet tbh. the bestie moments are so good#though also i don't think it was an amazing idea tbh. it means there's six main characters after that point#sometimes one character will go several cutscenes without talking at all. it's usually buck#he doesn't have any dialogue during any of the key quests in new yo-kai city. which is pretty amusing admittedly#i think the writers just forgot about him or something fslkdjdfslkjfsdljkdf-#i think my favorite thing related to that is like. during the stuff in bada-bing tower komasan and komajiro are there too#but they don't have any dialogue. which makes it seem kind of pointless#i get why they're there plot-wise but like. at that point you should either have them leave before you go to bada-bing tower#(esp since they don't end up in the ufo with everyone else. idr if there's a reason for that there probably isn't-)#(i think i slightly blocked out everything in bada-bing tower cuz it is so grueling)#or just. give them dialogue???#i love 3 and all but it definitely has some problems-#which is why i'm so excited to rewrite it <3 for both of those reasons. i can fix things. and also it's the best game#just. full-stop. not just the best yo-kai watch. i just think it's the best game ever#that title changes based on my current biggest hyperfixation though sfldfsjdkslfdjkfdj-#i think i'd say my overall top 5 is like. yo-kai watch 3. deltarune. ummmm. fantasy life is up there
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maybe I should get back into writing, I used to write so much more in college--mostly poetry as a way to vent (which I occasionally still do, but I never go back and workshop to what feels like a passable endpoint to that process), but a few drabbles here and there. never went for anything longer bc it felt like something out of reach for myself to realistically want to complete. but idk. maybe it's today's adderall kicking in and the fact that I've gotten relatively good sleep for the first time in a bit but what if I just tried and it was kind of awesome
#been going back through college coursework and recently went through some files i had on an old google drive#where i found a bunch of old writing. and some of it was half-decent and/or did some cool things! which is funny bc#i once went back and read through one poem that i thought was like my best work at the time and it. well i physically cringed at it#mostly bc i submitted it for an anthology thing that the club i'd been part of was pushing everyone to submit to and like.#i remember thinking that there was no theme so i could submit whatever. but the anthology DEFINITELY had a theme and my poem was not it#regardless the poem was pretty mid#but yea i'd written a lot more than i'd remembered. i'd kinda gotten to a point in my head where i'd convinced myself that when i used to#call myself a writer that i'd kinda appropriated the term. but no i was writing!!#anyway. massive theme in my life rn of trying to figure out what actually went on in college vs the story i tell/told myself of everything#EDEN fans when the memories bend and the past changes: 😫😫😫#actually yea this entire personal ramble post is actually a plug. go listen to the ICYMI album. the first song is one of my fave poems#i think i want to wormshop. woah meant to type workshop there but like. wormshop. sorry where was i.#i think i want to workshop all my older stuff and maybe then see if i can make a coherent collection out of it. i feel like i have a much#better understanding of things that were sorely lacked in many of those. like a sense of cadence in a lot of the free-verse stuff id written#of course i'll probably unearth anything i work on now in five years and cringe but thats how creating things and growing goes!
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it sucks to have no one to talk about the big emotions to because they're either too close to you or too far away... i simply don't know how to cope with real life and i don't know how people do
#my guess is everyone fakes it until they die and they don't center their entire lives on negative emotions and thought patterns but that's#just a guess LMAO#i think i lost the genetic lottery and not bc i'm ugly or anything like that like i could care less whether i'm seen as ugly or pretty atp#but just like. mentally. i wasn't given a great hand... which sucks because otherwise i think my family is fine but we all wind each other#up in the worst ways and i know all that it would take to change my current horrible ugly thought patterns is to slowly change my life#likeeee trust me... i'm trying... but it's so so hard when you feel grief for every little change#which is why i think i'm not equipped for real life. imagine what'll happen when the ppl i love the most leave me. bc i always imagine it#which is stupid because i know it's because they're all i have! my life is so small the only thing that exists within it is my loved ones!#they would suffocate under the weight of my love for them if i was able to show it better lmao :/ probably good that i can't bc i'd be in#tears near-constantly if so. and i hate crying in front of people#i mean i hate crying period which is totally great for my emotional regulation i assure you#idk... i know the world isn't 'supposed' to be easy#that's a concept our entire universe doesn't understand#the only things that are real are life and death and how you get from one to the other#but. still. i just wish i didn't have such a hard to being alive#ik i complain abt this shit everyday LMAO but it's hard not to when you have nothing else to think about#tbh i get why people work and have families and stuff now. when you have all that practical stuff to think about#you don't have time to be constantly in your head about every horrible possibility. unless of course you're me who couldn't get out#of my own head even when i had a full-time job... is there any actual way to get better? sometimes i feel like it's a myth
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The Me who bought tickets to see TMBG in february 2023 and the Me who's going to actually go to the show next month are two completely different people
#slash extremely negative#it's funny to actually live this whole sort of cliche of: the time between buying tickets and going to the show can be so absurdly long#with what was supposed to be my 1st 'real' concert no less#'i bought the tickets as a teenager but i'm going to see them in my 20s etc' and stuff like that#and then when it gets rescheduled too... well. a year and 9 months is in fact a pretty long time!!!#and i'm not even talking about rescheduling due to covid because god at least i didn't have to deal with that i guess#(it IS funny though that by the time the 30th anniversary of flood tour ends#flood will be 2 months away from turning 35. so yeah lmao a lot happened in the meantime huh)#anyways day two of going crazy going insane for no reason other than well i guess that's just my life now!!!!! 😃😃😃#me when i say i'll stop documenting my rapidly progressing mental breakdown online and then keep doing it anyway#but idk maybe this will heal me in some way. my only hope rn no joke#and my mom actually seemed to be unsure if i we should book the hotels and stuff because. ig i'm this obviously unwell even over the phone#but BY GOD this is the only thing i can really look forward to right now i really need this to survive#(trying to forget how i was doing in september of last year when they rescheduled the tour#and i couldn't even be sure if i'd ever get to see them in the end lollllll#and at the heights of my tmbg obsession this was my number 1 dream. i mean it still is)#also i think i'm finally entering my tmbg autumn era now with some more frequent listening after not doing so for a while#how could i let myself pretty much forget that i love tmbg??? and that their music is so good and makes me happy???#they're still my fav band of all time just like they were back then. THAT didn't change at least#it's just that now they share that spot with sparks also lol. can't choose between them and why should i anyway#what else. ig i just hope i get the energy to finally draw tomorrow at least#because if i don't turn the ideas i have into reality then they will never become real! and that would be so sad#so maybe this can be my main reason to continue for now. whatever#goosepost
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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