#Philip's Genius Plan I guess

[angevinyaoiz]

Was compelled by these tags but I wanted to put my personal analysis here! Trying to keep it strictly based on the events of the movie and not on pure speculation or external historical stuff, bc I think they do a LOT of interesting things in this short scene and what it implies about the Richard and Philip and Henry (and Louis) relationship dynamics.

I think because this happened right after his back and forth with Henry where Philip felt like he was getting somewhere until Henry did his whole smug ass "Haha I win I squeezed all the information out of you ;D goodnight!" It made him jump out of his more calculated "facts and logic" mode and into a more deeper sense of his burning resentment and inferiority complex, hence the whole "you made my father nothing...and then you made him love you for it" speech. Love is kind of established as a sign of weakness and submission, even if in this case it's not in a romantic context. Louis is a "loving man" who (in the world of TLIW) gets taken advantage of by Pushy men like Henry and Philip is frustrated with that weakness. And so when Henry smugly reveals he was just probing Philip for info, Philip feels like he is "losing" and being demeaned again and so decides to pull out his secret weapon.....His Super Special Scandalous Information jfjdif to throw more fuel on the fire.

Course the main thing is Henry isn't even that scandalized like you said ("Richard finds his way into so many legends, let's hear yours" and in the play after the telling he's just like "I've heard better" lmfao...3 out of 5 stars. Also let's not forget he's also a boydiddler too from his speech to Alais in the opening scene. The royal corkscrew is NOT easily shocked!!). Philip is playing an interesting paradox where he's basically framing Richard as the Older Predatory type taking advantage of him, but also Richard is simultaneously Pathetic and weak at the same time for caring so much about not just sex presumably but wanting to be loved and desired. Philip also casts himself as the Victim in this scenario, as the younger, innocent and un-desiring party, but also positions himself as being the strong-willed clear-headed one where it's like "yes I succumbed ...but NOT because I was too Weak to Resist or out of Fear but because it was my Genius Long Game Plan All Along."

Why does he do this??? I would say like earlier, it was kind of his last card to play in their battle of wills, and allowed him to feel like he had a one-up on Henry after Henry had been smugly putting him down the whole day. I feel the purpose of this is similar to Eleanor's outburst about fucking Henry's father later in the film. Where it really doesn't do anything helpful for her, since he just leaves to do his thing. but in the moment is an emotional weapon that she knows will hurt him. Also there's something fun and cathartic about both Philip and Eleanor's outbursts where after a long day of conniving they really relish in talking about Being Bad in a more straightforward way. For Philip it does end up being helpful in that it sets the ball rolling to reveal all the sonbetrayals in the room and gets the feelings all heightened and sows distrust amongst the family.

Also, to get a bit more speculative, but still basing strictly off what is in the earlier scenes: in the end we don't know the truth of what happened between him and Richard in the forest during the event that he recounted, or what his true feelings are. I personally feel what is implied from his earlier interactions with Richard is that there was a sincere emotional connection, and that they did both miss each other during their time apart. There's implied also a little frustration on Philip's part over Richard not keeping contact and maintaining their friendship after the marriage. But also I sort of interpret it as he wanted to reframe the story in his mind as well, maybe to himself, in a way where he comes out of it feeling like he had control over the situation, especially if their encounters were really as dubiously consensual as he implies it as being. If he did love Richard at some point, that would mean he was the one being "weak" like his father, and so to be strong and be a man and respected ruler ("No man's boy" as he keeps Insisting Very Hard in public the whole movie), he can't afford to indulge in affection the same way. The sexual element just adds another layer that, viewing both from the medieval and 1960s homophobia POV, is already assumed to be deviant and something to distance one's self from. If having the affair with Richard was only A Genius Plan to Sabotage Henry all along, with only Disgust and No Real Feelings of Affection Ever, then he can manage to wiggle out of being implicated or having any responsibility for Sodomybehaviors while pinning all the shame onto Richard (and by extension, Henry.)

So the motivation I can see as being a mix of being mad at the history of Henry overpowering his father and belittling him, being conflicted with Richard for either 1) taking advantage of him back then or 2) having had maybe for real a pleasant affair but getting ghosted 3) most likely a mix of the two. Whatever the case, his main goal was to destabilize Henry and it fit into that goal, so he just poured some extra oil on the fire I guess XD

*in some ways, it's a very 60s homophobia more than a medieval kind, since I feel in early and medieval era there's nothing that would feel off about intense emotional, borderline romantic love between men if expressed in specific socially approved venues. but in modern times even emotional affection is an expression of weakness and timidity, or if a sign of a separate lesser identity being revealed, as how it is portrayed in this movie. The sexual element as deviant is important to the luridity but the part Philip emphasizes as particularly shameful is the vulnerability of asking for love from a man and wanting it returned.

a king like you has policy prepared on everything. well, what’s the official line on sodomy? how stands the crown on boys who do with boys?

THE LION IN WINTER 1968 | dir. anthony harvey

[let-us-cultivate-our-garden]

I always thought it was strange that Philip donated his diary to the library. The book literally contains information on how to create a portal.Luz was only able to create a defective portal, but still a portal, imagine what would have happened if it had fallen into the hands of a very intelligent witch. That would have complicated his plans even more. I know that the book was stored in the Forbidden Stacks with other forgotten books and that the chances of someone getting the book were very low. But the risk was still very high, and we're talking about the super genius who discovered quantum mechanics in the 1700s.

Philip Fucking Wittebane: I'm going to donate my diary with important information on how to create a portal and I mentioned the existence of an unknown entity to a bookstore that is run by the vile creature that I hate so much for no apparent reason! It's not like there are intelligent witches who can steal your life's work to cause trouble!

I understand that Luz needs the diary to advance the plot, but a puritan witch hunter donating a book with important information to a library with beings he hates for unknown reasons is very difficult to digest.

The only theory I've heard that could explain this is the Stable Time Loop one: Philip needs Luz and Lilith to go back in time to look for him and help him get the Collector disc. This means that in Elsewhere and Elsewhen, he realizes that the Crab Maiden and Aunt Gertrude are actually time travelers who used his diary, they help him obtain the disc, so to ensure that the duo arrive in the first place, Philip has to leave his diary in a public yet secure setting, hence the library.

It is a risky move, especially since at any point in time it could've been lost, stolen, or as you said, used to build a different portal. And as we saw in the show, the echo mouse ate a good chunk of it. Fortunately, it was an echo mouse and not some other critter. But I guess that was a risk Philip knew he had to take.

My problem is that the narrative ties in ALL of Luz's season 3 arc to this one episode and how she feels guilty about it when she really shouldn't. Within the episode itself, Lilith did most of the work by solving the puzzle, Luz was just bait. Philip had been working on getting the Collector disc for probably months and he even had a complex teleportation glyph to get to the Titan skull. This guy was prepared, he just needed people gullible yet smart enough to help him. If it weren't for Luz and Lilith, then someone else would've been the sacrifice. The Collector disc would still be found. He already found 3 of the 4 glyphs (which apparently, Titan magic is incredibly rare and difficult to see!), so Luz showing him the light glyph doesn't really have any long term effects.

The same is true for her "helping" find the Collector. It was bound to happen eventually because the narrative ties everything evil back to Belos while the other characters are mere victims of him. All she did was save him time and effort and frankly, that's not enough to justify 3 long episodes of wangsting. All it is is a convoluted way to make the hero "help" the villain while still making them the purest example of victimhood possible.

Lastly, the narrative NEVER brings up Lilith's involvement; there's never a moment that the two realize that they were played and how terrible they would feel that they played a part in the Collector's destruction (only for Eda to conk their heads together, tell them to stop moping, and take this Collector kid down).

It's all about how Luz feels and then is given 4 different conclusions that she apparently doesn't learn from: Hunter tells her it's not her fault because Belos always uses people (the fact that the boy who was just possessed and had his best friend killed has to emotionally support her is sickening to me), her mom tells her it's okay to make mistakes and that she made a mistake in not allowing Luz to be who she was, (to which she responds that all she wanted was to be understood. Not sure how that connects to her guilt but whatever), Luz thinks her friends secretly hate her for helping Belos so she might as well be him (but then she snaps out of this when Puppet Amity misquotes Azura.........ok then), and finally, Papa Titan validates her by calling her a Good Witch and that Belos is just a big ol' meanie.

This isn't an arc, this is a series of characters coddling her but she doesn't take any of their words to heart until God herself intervenes. There's this huge imbalance between what the character did and how they react to it and the narrative wastes so much time on an arc that just makes Luz feel selfish and just serves to demonstrate how little she's grown as a character.

[gatheryepens]

Red, White & Royal Blue book review

Warning: small spoilers

“Thinking about history makes me wonder how I’ll fit into it one day, I guess. And you too. I kinda wish people still wrote like that. History, huh? Bet we could make some.”

First Son Alex Claremont-Diaz is the closest thing to a prince this side of the Atlantic. With his intrepid sister and the Veep’s genius granddaughter, they’re the White House Trio, a beautiful millennial marketing strategy for his mother, President Ellen Claremont. International socialite duties do have downsides—namely, when photos of a confrontation with his longtime nemesis Prince Henry at a royal wedding leak to the tabloids and threaten American/British relations. The plan for damage control: staging a fake friendship between the First Son and the Prince.

As President Claremont kicks off her re-election bid, Alex finds himself hurtling into a secret relationship with Henry that could derail the campaign and upend two nations. What is worth the sacrifice? How do you do all the good you can do? And, most importantly, how will history remember you?

Author: Casey McQuinston

Rating: 5/5 ✨

Funny story, I had actually planned on reading this book a lot earlier than intended. About a year ago, for my school newspaper I had actually planned to do a book review on a popular BookTok book. My plan was to do Red White & Royal Blue, however seconds after buying the book I immediately got a refund and email saying the book was out of stock - so I reviewed The Love Hypothesis instead. I am glad that a year later I decided to read the book but at the same time very sad that I didn’t discover it sooner - a true oxymoron! This book was excellent. The book starts off with Alex Claremont-Diaz attending the royal wedding between Prince Philip (Henry’s older sibling) and Princess Martha. During the wedding, Henry and Alex get into a little spat which leaves them ending up in the cake  on the floor. This creates a commotion, which results in several news outlets reporting the matter because of this some serious damage control is required resulting in a fast friendship that ends up being more.

What I really liked about the book is how long it took for the relationship to develop. Although the relationship started fairly fast, the build-up to it as well as what followed afterwards was executed well. Before Henry Kissed Alex, they had formed a nice camaraderie from the emails and the phone calls - I don’t know if I will ever get over the turkey prank. Even after the kiss, the relationship continued to develop with more emails and secret rendezvous. I think what was really beautiful were the individual characters growing and becoming more comfortable with one another. Henry first comes off as surly and standoffish, however we find out (along with Alex) that Henry is a funny person and has a big heart. I am a sucker for enemies to lovers/rivals to lovers and McQuinston did a fabulous job showing the stages  it took to go from rivals to lovers - which made it a good read. 

The writing style, in my opinion, was very simplistic. I don’t mean this in a bad way, I really liked how it was written - it was simple but engaging. This writing style made the book very nice, easy and enjoyable to keep on reading. I also liked the chapter to chapter length ratio, a lot of the times chapters can either be too few or too many or they can be very long or short. Obviously to find the perfect chapter number to chapter length ratio it depends entirely on the book, however McQuinston found the perfect balance. The chapters weren’t too long or too many. I loved the diversity of vocabulary that the author used. Whenever Henry said something really British I would chuckle for a while, a lot of the times anything Alex referred to I would have to look up for example LSAT. McQuinston did a really great job writing this book and showing the chemistry between Alex and Henry.

I really enjoyed reading from Alex’s perspective as I enjoyed going through the self discovery journey with him. Alex’s journey of discovering who he is and what he wants to be was really interesting to see. When we are younger, for some people it can be really hard to decide what you want to do in your future and to also not be swayed and pushed into a career path by other people like family. Alex first wants to go down the politics route (he wants to become a Senator), his main motivation is to help people and to do good in the world. Afterwards, he considers going into law after June convinces him to take the LSAT. Rediscovering yourself and changing your mind on something you're certain about is hard but it makes you a very brave person. One thing I admire a lot about Alex is how open he is to change and how throughout the book considers as well as explores different aspects of himself, whether it be deciding on a new career path or coming to terms and accepting his sexuality. Given that his mother is the President of the United States, approaching certain topics like sexuality or career paths would be challenging - as throughout the book there is a strong emphasis on all members of the family to be involved in the campaign and politics, so to divert/take a step back from politics would be surprising. There is also the issue of when he wants his mother to comfort and give advice as mother she probably lectures him as the President not as his mother and vice versa.

The only negative I have for the book is that I felt like the pacing was inconsistent. At the start, I felt that things happened really fast for example Alex and Henry’s relationship - I counted it from when they kissed. Then near the end it started to slow down a lot which is mainly due to the fact that both conflicts were resolved pretty quickly and  the only thing left to resolve was the politics. I do think that the book was heavy on the politics, which at times made it hard to read/understand - the amount of times I would reread or have to google certain phrases. Despite the amount of politics, I enjoyed having that side plot as when I read romances I really like when there are other things going on besides the romance as it helps us to understand the characters and their motivation a lot better. To conclude if you are interested in enemies to lovers and unlikely relationships, I would definitely recommend Red White & Royal Blue. It was a fun read and had loveable characters which made it an enjoyable experience.

my last review, it was a long time....

[sepublic]

Them’s the Breaks, Kid!

            RAINE YOU CLEVER BASTARD-

         OH MY GGGAAAAWWWDDDD!!!! This TWIST y’all!!! Raine pretended to be brainwashed, the setup of this reveal, all of it!

         Just… How Raine pretends that Terra’s tea is working on them, but in reality they’re using bard magic to nullify the effects, but SHE doesn’t know because Terra isn’t a bard, she’s a plant witch! HAHA, clever Raine, exposing the gaps and flaws of the system through this simple trick; And motivating their own rebellion as well! And confirmation that they’re working with Darius and Eberwolf and likely got them on their side after the fact, explaining how Terra brainwashed them and how THEY’RE liable to be brainwashed…

         Or were they always in on it, and this was all a plan?! A complex, genius plan to out Raine as a traitor, making Belos believe Terra has drugged them to keep them in line; Allowing Raine to get in close, because they assume they already dealt with the problem?! ALL ACCORDING TO KEIKAKU Raine even has the freaking glasses! And if this was their plan since the very start… I assume they didn’t tell Eda, to keep her safe, and maybe out of some justified salt over EDA keeping secrets in their relationship???

         GOD THE AGENCY!!! This SHOW keeps delivering, making you think Raine is gonna be brainwashed and fridged… Only to show that they still have SOME agency… ONLY TO SHOW THEY HAVE ALL OF IT! Raine you FIENDISHLY clever bard!!!

         Also Luz! Luz is excited to hear of Eda’s backstory, she and King know of Raine now! And she’s figured out more spells from Philip’s diary, including the flesh arm! Luz hasn’t made the connection to Belos yet, I guess she assumes the flesh arm to be a spell used by multiple witches and not Belos-exclusive, which, fair. We as the audience are omnipotent and know the tropes so we can make these connections, but for Luz, she’s grown out of those assumptions that she’s part of a narrative (even if she technically is but that’s semantics). I hope we get to see Luz use these spells in the future… And god, imagine Belos’ reaction! But also the danger, because to him it might confirm that Luz has already done the time loop and he no longer has to preserve his ‘destiny’ by letting her live… But now I want to see karma with Luz turning Philip’s own glyphs against him!

         LILY! Lilith! Her part is brief but it makes SENSE from a meta perspective, how Lilith feels left behind and glossed over for Raine and Eda’s friendship! How she gets left behind because of Raine, she starts feeling lonely… She’s left by herself to focus on the coven, and Eda doesn’t realize she left her sister behind! God it really hurts seeing how they genuinely WANTED this with each other, how it was their genuine dream; And then because Eda never told Lilith about what exactly happened, Lilith is blindsided by Eda’s choice to back down! Meaning if she KNEW she might not have cursed Eda… AAGUUGGHGGHH!!!

         Also the parallels and bookends… Terra, in a way, brought Eda and Raine together, and seemingly acts as a buffer between them… But in a way as her vines ensnare, they can also bring together? Interesting to see a younger version of her, even if she’s still an adult. And considering how messed up Terra is, it seems she’s def from those more brutal parts of the isles! Her plant maze reminds me of the maze that Hunter alluded to, is THIS the one? Or is this just a hint of the tryouts the EC recruits have to go through? Or did Terra actually make this a part of the official regiment due to her disappointment in how easy the exercises were?!

         Glad to see the Bump lore, he was a vice principal… Also glad to see how he continues to stick out for Eda and other kids, we stan a good and healthy teacher! Faust is funny but I wonder how Terra knows him… He kinda reminds me of Wrath. Also, we saw that glasses girl in the background from the YBOS flashback, with a three-eyed witch… ARE THOSE BOSCHA’S PARENTS LIKE WE SPECULATED?!?! Likewise, I think we might’ve seen Willow’s other dad –the one with glasses- except without the glasses, as part of the St. Epiderm kids!

         This would imply that he, Gilbert, and Willow moved from the Knee to Hexside; Which REALLY recontextualizes Amity’s decision to leave Willow behind, if it means allowing her friend to enroll! Because Willow is a transfer student and she already left St. Epiderm, possibly because it was too expensive… So Amity wants her friend to be able to still hang out and learn in Bonesborough, so she has to let her make it into Hexside! GOD the subtle recontextualization and hints and clues and worldbuilding…! The connections!

         Young Eda was a RIOT and it hurts seeing her before the curse. Seeing how great her magic was, seeing her try different forms of magic! Which, it seems that kids try to learn other forms of magic outside their track, in preparation for the EC tryouts… But when learning other tracks is against the rule, it just seems like a flawed and skewed system, huh? But as we see with Terra, the coven is about throwing kids into the lake to see if they swim, it’s a flawed system for a reason.

         I’m also attached to that cyclops spider witch, I love how she has a horrific, inhuman face yet talks like any normal kid! ALSO DARIUS! DARIUS USED TO BE FRIENDS WITH ALADOR?!!? And young Odalia too… Did Odalia get between them, or was it just a falling-out? Or is there NO falling-out, it’s just playful ribbing? Did Darius want to rise with the coven with him like Lilith did with Eda, but then Al chose his beloved and went away from that, prompting Darius’ bitterness! If so… Darius and Lilith parallels. Odalador and Raeda parallels, even!

         I love this episode. It adds to the lore and plot while filling out the background and past; Seeing how Eda came to her decision to reject the duel with Lilith, after doing so with Raine, seeing how kids are pitted against each other! How this choice is caused by Terra, who indirectly radicalizes Eda… Lilith feels left out when Eda gets to have fun by Raine and take the focus this episode with them, leaving her behind; So she can only focus on the coven, she doesn’t get the experience to realize how messed up it is! She doesn’t have any other friends herself, but when Eda does… She goes to the coven for approval, because it feels like Eda is just gonna ditch her anyway, hence cursing her!

         GAAAGGGGHHHHH it hurts seeing how much those sisters really wanted it, how they all had each other! And Lilith… God she must’ve hated Raine, then; Which adds to that childhood photo we saw! And Raine, switching over to St. Epiderm… Them and Eda were NEVER rivals to lovers, just lovers! But also the parallels to LUMITY, having them really make their first step together as friends, at the Covention center?! Parallels and foils, the recontextualization that adds and makes past decisions feel even more informed and understandable, motivated… It makes my brain go feral! And I think we saw the Sin-a-Bun dude as a younger witch too, if anyone else is actually interested!

         All in all a GREAT episode! It’s mostly just a flashback that adds to the characterization and backstory of our cast, casting new depth on the choices they’ve made. It hurts to see Raine and Eda call themselves inseparable, when we know what happened… When we know how Lilith curses Eda, having no idea she’s inflicting the power of the Collector on her sister, and not just a one-day gimmick from the night market! Speaking of which, I find it hilarious how Bump frets about Eda selling stuff on the night market, and while it’s not the NIGHT market, that happens anyhow!

         I love it; Seeing Eda work so hard to gain this place in the coven… Only to realize by these efforts that she doesn’t actually want it, paradoxically and ironically enough! Also, I guess this means Raine isn’t the kid who stole Lilith’s lunch money… But then again they allude to financial struggles, so maybe they were? And this added to Lilith’s resentment, while Eda DID clash with Raine over this, but they got over it quickly as friends??? This could potentially be a change of plans, early-planning gets moved around a bit, but I wonder. Also, were these reports actually written by Faust then??? Love the appropriate irony of the human from that devil-deal story being the devil here…

        So yeah; Not only do we get some rich worldbuilding and look into the past, a better understanding of how society was like –the covenscouts seem a lot more chill which suggests Terra and the others REALLY ramped up the extremities later down the line, like in real life- and also a look into dynamics… While also setting up a reveal in the present-day, that has HUGE implications for the plot and future as well! And likewise, it’s not just this flashbacks that recontextualizes; The present does as well, because now we re-examine Raine’s interactions with Terra, actions as a Coven Head three episodes ago, and maybe even back in their official debut! Amazing writing y’all. It’s so LAYERED…!

[paraemu]

which of the main riders should NOT be a parent

godai: canonically kids love him and we know he's good at household chores and he's just a great guy all around so he'd make a wonderful father. however its unlikely that he would have kids cause he's always traveling around, but if he ever settles down i can see foster kids coming in and out of his and ichijou's house all the time

shouichi: i havent seen agito but all i know about him is that he's basically a housewife so i assume he could take care of a kid. he seems to have some baggage that would stop him from becoming a parent tho

shinji: i dont think the thought of having kids has even crossed shinji's mind. can't really imagine him as a parent

takumi: he'd probably have to think long and hard about it first but i can see him warming up to the idea of having kids in the future (i will NEVER forgive inoue for robbing him and kiba of a future together i hope he goes to hell)

kenzaki: for obvious reasons kenzaki can't have children and actually its making me sad just typing this im skipping this one

hibiki: him being a dad is like the whole premise of the show

tendou: tendou is the perfect mary sue which means he's immortal and will never die and as such reproduction is meaningless to him

ryoutaro: he canonically has a grandson so congratulations on reproducing. i hope it was with yuuto. the idea of all the imagin pitching in and helping ryoutaro raise his child along with his sister is rly cute i love den-o

wataru: ok listen i KNOW inoue just threw in wataru's child from the future as a joke but i think wataru having a child 2-3 years after the show completely unprepared to be a parent and having a rly hard time with parenting all around is unfortunately very in-character for him. i believe in him tho i know with some therapy and a couple of parenting classes he can power thru

tsukasa: tsukasa would be a shit ass fucking dad and i dont think we should allow him near children. however it would be insanely funny if he and daiki were sougo's awful deadbeat parents who left him in a wet cardboard box all alone as a baby so now i am married to this au

philip and shoutaro: can't imagine either of them having kids

eiji: after the ooo summer movie i am convinced that eiji REALLY wants to have kids but his trauma prevented him from ever giving any serious thought to it. and then the whole ankh situation happened, so it'll probably remain an unfulfilled desire. he'd make a great dad if he ever had the chance tho (the ooo vcin doesnt exist to me)

gentarou: he has the vibes of someone who will have 5 kids by the time he's 30. in his case they're all most likely adopted but still. also probably houses and rehabilitates troubled teens

haruto: he wouldn't be half bad at parenting but i don't think it's something he wants. even after he's let go of most of his emotional baggage he's just the sort who likes to keep to himself and live independently

kouta: if he wasn't a god he would probably marry mai and have 2.5 kids with her

shinnosuke: HE DOESNT DESERVE KIRIKO SHE SHOULD BE MARRIED TO ME AND HAVE MY CHILD NOT HIS

takeru: i heard he has a child in the novel? ok i read the novel summary and nvm thats not canon to me. he should marry akari instead. the 3/3 on normie het marriages is concerning gaim-drive-ghost truly was the dark ages

emu: fast forward 4 years from the end of ex-aid and you'll find emu entering his milf era. he's going to have 3 kids separated by 2 years each. he's had like MAD baby fever since college so he's got it all planned out already

sento: realistically? banjou and sento are definitely not having children. s/o to ppl who write kid fic of them where their baby is also a science genius tho i think thats cute

sougo: no. just no.

aruto: i.... honestly dont know. hes too busy looking after the company and fighting for humagears and stuff i guess

touma: i havent finished saber yet but i think kento and touma should have two kids one boy and one girl I DONT CARE WHAT TRIO OF DEEP SIN SAYS

ikki: probably also getting normie het married and having 2.5 kids idk hes not important

ace: complete wild card we're still on episode 3. will update this when geats is over

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

I’m On Fire [Chapter 2]

With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Spencer start to put a plan together.

A/N:  I’ve got a head cold at the mo’ but I had to get a covid test just in case so I’m not allowed leave my room till I get the results! So enjoy a bonus chapter while I wallow on my own for like 36 hours :( On a positive note, thank you guys all so much for the response to chapter 1 I really didn’t see that coming! I’ve tagged everyone who asked, let me know if you wanna be added

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: Cursing, some NSFW language/themes

Word Count: 6.1k

Previous Chapter -- Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist 

"Are you coming up or what?"

The question was still ringing in my ears. It caught me completely off guard. 'Up' as in up to Spencer's apartment? Where he lived? I knew he lived somewhere in theory, just like I knew deep down that he wasn't made in a test tube. 

Without noticing I've undone my seatbelt and I'm hopping out of the car, following him around to the front door. I guess I am coming up.

Spencer's apartment is more cosy than I thought it was going to be. It's warm and lived in. It's not big, but I think that might be what makes it homely. Something about the way he behaves had me thinking it would be fully decked out in stainless steel or glass or something. But it wasn't pristine, it was messy. 

There were books bursting from the shelves that lined the walls of the apartment, along with books laid open over nearly every surface in the place, it looked like he was in the middle of reading all of them, and honestly, I didn't doubt it. Maybe I'd misjudged him. He even had some photos of what looked like his family, and maybe friends, even some of the BAU, lining his walls or propped up on his mantle. He had little trinkets and souvenirs on his shelves too, evidence that he'd been around the country for reasons other than a case. I would never admit it to him but there was a real charm to the place.

Once we got inside he took off his bag and suit jacket, tossing them on the desk just inside of the door. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and he seemed to pick up on my awkward energy.

"You can make yourself at home" he said, his confident streak remaining. I had no idea what to do with that. What would even make me comfortable in Spencer Reid's apartment? I took a seat on his sofa and just sat with my hands resting in my lap. Really not even sure where I should look without feeling like I was invading his privacy. Even though I wanted to. I think it was morbid curiosity, looking for clues on who this man might actually be outside of the BAU. What I really wanted to do was stand up and walk around, soaking in every bit if this place as if it would help me decipher our messy relationship.

He returned to the living room a few moments later, two mismatched mugs in his hands. He places one in front of me on the coffee table. I pick it up and take a sip. It's lemon and ginger, how did he know what kind of tea I liked? I held the mug in my hands inhaling the steam in an effort to relax. When I look up he's watching me, arms folded across his chest.

"So, how does this thing work. What's the game plan?" I honestly have no real idea. This evening really got away from me, I was still expecting to snap out of it and wake up in my bed at any moment.

"Well I can't say I've ever been in a Sandra Bullock movie before either so this is uncharted territory for me too" I say with a chuckle, trying to ease the tension. Even a little. I can see him crack a small smile but hides it almost instantly, his face hardening again.

"My sister, Margot, she's getting married in like 4 months." I can feel myself tense and I shake out my shoulders, I have to remind myself that he's agreed to this already, "Fuck it, I'm just going to be honest with you. My Mom's mostly freaked out that I'm too attached to this job and that I'll just never find someone again." I shouldn't have said again, fuck. I hope he didn't pick up on that. Who am I kidding. "Even though, I'm not sure I care if I do or don't?" he doesn't say anything, like he's waiting for me to continue. I know I've shared a little too much already but I keep going.

"Margot's 2 years younger than me, I introduced her to her fiancé Philip, we met in college, he's a sweetheart. But since they've gotten engaged Mom's gotten exponentially weirder. I think she's convinced I'm fully going to die alone, as if that would be the worst thing that could ever happen? Anyway, she's been trying to auction me off to all these guys, using this wedding as an excuse. I'm not sure how much of that phone call you actually heard earlier but Mom was trying to sell me on this guy, David, and I just… snapped." I look up at Spencer and he unfolds his arms, leaning in ever so slightly coaxing the story out of me.

"David, he uh, he worked for my father for a while back in high school, filing documents and stuff, busy work mostly. He used to make out with me when he was at our house after school, but then he'd ignore me in the halls the next morning. I know it's because I was a pariah back then or something but I didn't want to think about it today and I just got worked up. I shouldn't have let on that you were my date, I was just going to ask if I could bring Garcia or something, and I'm sorry." I cover my face in my hands, "I'm insane, you can back out if you want to."

I can hear him move from his spot on the opposite side of the sofa, he takes my wrists and gently pulls my hands from my face. He looks into my eyes, "I'm in this now Y/N, what do you need me to do?" he asks, and there's a genuine earnest in his voice that I think I've only ever heard a handful of times. And it's never been directed at me.

"Okay, well we've got a few months before you ha–, wait, fuck!" I throw my head back, there's already a complication, "shit" I curse under my breath. His eyebrows knit together, sitting upright.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I forgot about my Mom's 50th, it's next month. They've got this whole huge party planned back home in upstate New York. I've gotta go and they'll probably want to meet you, or they're gonna have a load of questions for me at least. I can try and get you out of it I'm sure"

He gets that cocky look again, he shakes his head "I don't know, I've always liked a bit of competition" he reclines back into his corner of the sofa, taking a satisfied sip from his own mug before speaking again. "You know, if I've got to learn enough to pass as your boyfriend in a month, surely that means you've got to learn enough to pass as my girlfriend within the month, no?"

Oh god. What have I done, why didn't I think this far ahead. "I mean, yeah I guess you're right." I had to remember he was doing me a favor. I had to get over myself. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for that?" I ask, and he nods, and I think he looks excited, or maybe he just finds the whole situation funny.

"If anyone's up for the competition it's you" he says, and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a dig but I nod in agreement.

He takes another sip of his tea, collected and relaxed. I can't help but notice how at ease he is when he's in his own surroundings. I'm so used to seeing him sitting at a desk surrounded by paperwork, or combing through file after file in the make-shift office in a small-town police station, usually flustered or anxious, or antagonizing me whenever he wasn’t. This was a different Spencer. Completely in control, at ease.

"Alright, shall we get started then, we can't really afford to waste any time can we?" he was actually sort of right, so I nodded. It was only now occurring to me that I'd have to share parts of my personal life with him if I wanted this plan to work. We already knew the basics about each other, I'd read his file when I started at the BAU, I'd read everyones. And I feel like it was safe to presume he'd done the same.

His eyes bore directly into mine as he leaned forward, I think he was enjoying how uncomfortable I must've looked.

"How about I ask you some rapid-fire questions and you have to answer 'em?" he asks, and it's as good of a plan as any, and I can't think of any other suggestions, so I nod.

"Okay, shoot." I say, unsure and nervous, so I brace myself. I'm just grateful that he's making my life easier rather than harder for what feels like the first time since I met him.

I really should've known better.

He leans in, "So Y/N, first question, when did you lose your virginity?"

I almost choke on the mouthful of tea I just took, that can't be what he just asked, and he looks like he's savoring my shocked expression.

"I uh, I don't think you need to know that?" is all I can get out.

"Really? You think that's something your boyfriend wouldn't know about you?" he's right, but I didn't want to admit it outright.

"I feel like I sort of already hinted. It was that same guy David, I was 18, he was 19. We had sex on the couch while my parents went out one evening. I kept my bra on the whole time, he came, I didn't. It was all very standard stuff." I wasn't sure what compelled me to add that last part. I think I was giving in to the open honestly thing. "So what about you Doc?" I challenged.

He didn't seem embarrassed, or even shy. "I must've bloomed little later than you" he admits with a soft chuckle, "Vivian Stewart, I was 21, she was too. It was the last semester of my last PhD and I figured I must be missing out on something. And I sure was" he smirks to himself. "I came, she did too, 3 times. I did a lot of research ahead of time" he mirrored my story and I rolled my eyes. It was hard not to feel a little impressed but I tried with everything I had to stifle it so he couldn't tell. I wish it didn't make me feel something but it did. I gulp down the mouthful of tea that's been sitting in my throat.

I have to shake myself back to reality. I can't give him the satisfaction of throwing me. "My turn." I command, "When was your last relationship Dr. Reid?" I ask, "I mean like, serious one, not like hook-up" I clarify before he can ask. He thinks on it for a moment.

"I'm not sure what you classify as fully serious, but I guess it was this girl, Rebecca, we dated for a while when I first joined the BAU but it didn't work out. What about you?" he flips it back.

"So that was what, like 6-ish years ago?" I ask, he just nods.

"Mine was like 3 years ago now I think. I met this guy Nathan on my first week of college, we dated for like 4 years. He moved here for me when I got accepted by the BAU." I had to stop myself from delving into the detail. It was a long time ago now but it still hurt. "Long story short, the hours were demanding and they got in the way more than I would've liked. We ended up splitting a couple months after I got the job." I tried to play it off like it wasn't one of the more devastating things to happen in my life. But something told me he’d registered that, so he didn't push.

His energy picks up and he looks at me with a grin, but there's something a little sinister behind it. "I've got a more fun question for you." he leans in closer to me, "Y/N, when was the last time you got laid?" I just looked at him in shock. 

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I can go first if you really need me to?" his voice didn't waver,

"Fuck you Reid, I know when it was!" I snapped back at him. I did have to think back a little farther than I'd like to pull up the memory.

"Met this guy in a bar when I was out with Pen one night, we went back to his place and hooked up." I say as deadpan as I can make it.

"Well that's not very exciting is it?" he jokes, "Did you at least cum that time?" I know he's just trying to rile me up, but I answer anyway.

"As a matter of fact I did" I earn back a little of my confidence.

"I'm so happy for you, but you did manage to avoid my initial question" fuck "when was this exciting night of yours Y/N?" he probes, like I really, really wished he wouldn't. I could lie, but I'm sure he'd be able to tell. I cringe before I can say it.

"About 8 months ago" I mutter, just low enough for him to hear.

"Sorry, did you just say 8 months ago?" He nearly shouts in disbelief, he seems to find it funny.

"Hey fuck you Spencer!" I go on the defensive, "When was the last time you even got laid?"

"Like two and half weeks ago" he says, confident, and still laughing, "Wait wait, when was the last time you got yourself off? I know you're not waiting 8 months!" he giggles and I think I could kill him. I know I kept giving him outs but was it too late for me to just get up and leave?

"I'm not doing this with you if you're just gonna make fun of me Reid, I get enough of that at work" I get out, my voice is serious but I'm trying to hide how awkward all of this is making me feel, and I don't know that I'm doing a very good job.

I can tell that's gotten to him, he relaxes and eases up on the giggling. "Look okay wait Y/N. I'll stop, I'm not actually trying to make fun of you. I was being serious, I think stuff like this is important if we're gonna have to be comfortable around each other enough to seem like a real couple. Plus, it'll just help break the ice?" he shrugs. "But you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I soften, because I agree, even thought I hate that he's right. "Fine" I collect my thoughts, "2 nights ago I'm pretty sure." I regret it almost instantly, but breaking the ice is supposed to feel awkward.

"Same here actually," he chuckles, "what'd you do?" I'm so startled by the question I almost forget how to answer.

"I, uh, my, my vibrator? I just felt like uh, I watched some..." I still can't force out a whole sentence. It's not like I was always awkward about sex or anything, I could talk to Garcia, or honestly probably any of the other team members about it. But with Spencer it didn't feel as comfortable. He still sat calmly, smiling just a little.

"Same here, 2 nights back, but with my hands I guess. I wonder if we were doing it at the same time?" he mutters the last part gently and my head goes a bit fuzzy. My eyes drift away from his face and settle on his hands, the mug he's holding looks so tiny with his fingers wrapped around it, I wondered how they'd look wrapped around my-

"Okay I think that's enough for one night, don't you think?" I jump up off the sofa and turn, mostly so that he doesn't catch the blush thats creeping from my neck up to my cheeks. And because I don't know what I'll say, or regret saying, if this conversations continues on its current trajectory.

"Sure," he says, standing up next to me, and I want to move further away instantly, "you're probably right, and it's getting a little late now anyway" he glances at his watch. Ushering me back towards his front door and opening it up. Before I can walk out he lightly touches my shoulder to turn me back to face him, and I wonder if he can feel the heat radiating from every part of me.

"So are you free next Friday after work?" he asks, and I'm so flustered I almost forget why, I just nod. "Perfect, how about we come here again and we can dive into preparing? You could also make a start on getting these onto a hard drive?" he gestures to the antique looking hardbacks adorning the shelves.

'Sounds great!" I perk up, feigning enthusiasm, "See you then!"

"Well, see you Monday morning actually Y/N" he smirks as I walk out the door. Fuck, he was right.

I really hadn't thought this through.

——

The weekend was a bit of a blur. I decided to try and put some useful information into a document for Spencer. It felt strange to try and condense my life into as few pages as possible. I knew Reid had an eidetic memory, and nothing would necessarily overwhelm him. But I also knew that he was someone that the team relied on to fill in a lot of the gaps in the rest of the our knowledge. So I felt bad about dumping a load of information on him, especially considering it was a favor he was doing for me.

I'd complied the majority of my life into a 15 page document and printed it out. Hopefully that would address most of what my family could guerrilla attack him with. There was also something unsettling about the imbalance. I was going to give him so many of the intricate details of my life in a little file, whereas all I really knew about Spencer was what I'd taken it upon myself to learn about him throughout the past few years.

I'd read all of his work while I was in college, given how he was the gold standard of getting into the BAU at a young age, I wanted to know who this guy was. I think I'd pictured something different. And I couldn't deny there was something enticing about finally getting to know him after all of these years of working together. Maybe this could actually be fun, or interesting at least.

----

I arrived early on Monday morning. I thought I was first into the office as usual but Garcia was sitting in my desk chair waiting for me. The second she saw me walk in she tensed, she must've known we were the only people in this early.

"What happened! You've been avoiding me all weekend?" she asked, and she was right. I'd drafted enough texts to her, trying to explain what the plan was, mostly without wanting to admit that she was right. Maybe I was stubborn.

"Alright okay, I drove Reid home." I admitted, dropping my bag by my desk. She rolls her eyes at me, dramatic as always.

"Well I knew that already Y/N damn! What happened next?"

"Fine, we went into his apartment and talked for a while. Trying to sort out the details, get a handle on things I guess?" I said, unsure of how much I should actually give away about our conversation.

"What things!?" She shouts, standing up from my desk,

"I don't know Pen, like logistics and stuff, I still haven't decided how I feel about that little stunt you pulled on Friday night!" I let my frustration get the better of me, and maybe that's why I haven't talked to her. It could also be because I know she's able to read me like a book and I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation.

"I call bullshit." She counters, "I know you were relived as hell when I sorted that whole thing out. You would've had anxiety tummy all weekend if I hadn't called Spencer!" I just go silent, she was right. I'd gotten so caught up in the whole, 'how to have a fake boyfriend' that I'd almost forgotten about how stressed I was about Spencer hearing my call in the first place.

"Okay, shit" I sigh. "Maybe you were right Pen. We're actually meeting up again this Friday after work to make a plan for the next while, so I guess that's progress?" I shrug, trying to play it off like this whole situation doesn't make my stomach flip.

"Ohhhhh! So like a date?" She probes, her enthusiasm rising drastically.

"Oh my God Pen no! Like an appointment at best" I diffuse the situation

"Ugh that's no fun" she says, not even trying to disguise her disappointment.

As if on cue Dr. Reid walks through the double doors into the bullpen. Both Garcia and I wave, overall awkwardly, but making an attempt pretend like things were completely normal and like nothing had changed since the last time we were all in the office together.

Penelope heads to her office as the bullpen starts to fill up quickly. Less than an hour later though Garcia's back at my desk and there's a new case that needs the teams attention in Boston. I follow her into the conference room and wait for the rest of the team to join. Spencer follows a moment later with 2 cups of coffee in his hands. I can see my mug in his hand and my automatic response is that he's messing with me. But he places my mug in front of me in the circular table before taking the seat next to me, listening to Garcia's briefing. I don't know if he's ever sat next to me in this conference room, at least not by choice.

I barely had any time to finish my coffee before I have to say goodbye to Garcia and hop on the jet to Boston.

----

The case was grueling. More so than usual. It was wrapped up late on Thursday night and the team decided to fly back home first thing on Friday morning. I was exhausted. Even if there was enough time to get sleep each night it wasn't like I got any. Whenever a case got on top of me like this it made it hard to rest, or get it off my mind at all until it was wrapped up. So even though it was over, that didn't mean I wasn't exhausted.

Hotch gave the team the rest of the day off, given that we have until submit our paperwork by Monday. I wasn't sure if Spencer's invitation from the following week still stood. I didn't want to ask, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was scared. I wasn't about to show up at his house in an effort to have a heart to heart, or hand him a condensed version of my life story on a manilla envelope if he was as drained as I was.

Standing by my desk I packed up everything I'd need to get my paperwork done over the weekend, I was just about finished when Spencer snuck up behind me, perching himself on the edge of my desk. "So, you almost ready to go?" he asks, like it's the most obvious question in the world. I couldn't really hide my surprise.

"Oh yeah. That's fine, I mean, if you're still cool with that?" I ask, and I hate how flustered I sound, like he makes me nervous.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckles, standing up straight.

"Cool, gimme a sec and I'll be good to go."

I pack up the rest of my stuff quickly and we make our way out. There's something that feels a little eerie about the two of us being in an elevator together alone again. It was a different kind of awkward to how it felt a week before hand. It almost felt like a kind of tension rather than a hatred or a rivalry. Either way we rode down in silence.

Once we got to the basement Spencer walks out of the elevator and walks straight to my car without having to ask. I unlock it and he hops into the passenger seat. Like this is a natural interaction. Something we do all the time. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.

"So," he says, buckling up his seat belt and breaking the silence, "do you know how to get to my place from here or do you need directions again?"

"Well I've got to turn on the engine first" I tease, hoping he picks up on the reference to our last car ride, he chuckles like he does.

"Are you hungry?" he asks

"Starving."

The delivery guy get's to Spencer's apartment at almost the same time we do.

---

Once the food's been demolished the two of us finally sit on his sofa, the same sides as the week before. "So, shall we get back into this?" He asks, sitting forward slightly to pull a notebook out of his satchel on the floor. It's small and lavender, and it's got a pen clipped into the spine. He cracks it open and flips to a specific page.

"Sorry, what's that?" I ask, pointing to the book, he looks confused,

"They're my notes?" he says, like it should be obvious

"Your notes?" I ask,

"My notes on you." he smirks, again like I'm silly for even asking.

He had notes on me? He had a whole notebook on me? What was even in that thing?

"You've got notes on me?" I ask, my hands reaching out to grab it, but he retreats faster than I can catch him. "What have you got in there that's so serious?"

"Nothing." and his tone's a bit too stern and I don't really want to push it when he's being so uncharacteristically nice to me.

"I've actually got this ready for you" I pull the file out of my own bag and toss it to him. "I'm not sure exactly what you need to know but that should be the majority of it at least."

He opens it up and glances over the the pages. It takes him all of 2 minutes to get through the whole thing. It feels unsettling that he's taking in a boiled down version of my life while I'm just sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Trying to avoid the attention I pipe up.

"Um, hey, maybe it would be a good time for you to show me where to make a start digitizing your books over here?" I stand up and make my way to the shelf. He jumps up off the sofa and walks toward me, visibly excited.

"That's actually a great idea, I thought that the theses from my degrees could be a good place to start, since I'm pretty sure they're not backed up anywhere." he guides me to a section of the book case by the window. There's a series of leather bound hardbacks, the same gold font embossed on the spines. I recognize all of them, pulling out the first one.

"This is my favorite" I say without thinking about it and he does a double take, clearly thrown.

"You've, uh, you read my work?" he asks, completely puzzled. I'm sort of proud that I've managed to make him this awkward, and I nod.

"Mmhm, back before I joined the BAU actually. Before I really knew you" I regret saying the last part, it comes out a little meaner than I really wanted it to so I back track. "Spencer, I read all of your work while I was in college, you were like the gold standard. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours a night throughout my PHD because I was just trying to get as much done as you." and his face softens at the admission. But it takes him a moment before he responds. Leaving the two of us in silence a little too long.

"I had no idea" is all he says.

"I think this one was best" I say propping up the one in my hand, "you get a bit cockier as you move on” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "but I'll start with all of these I guess" I grab the matching books and stack them in my arms. Walking over to his desk and setting up. Glancing at the clock it was only 7pm so I decided to just make a start.

Spencer didn't contest. Letting me just get settled at his desk, I pull out my laptop and begin work on transcribing the first volume. After a few minutes he silently places a cup of tea down beside me and goes to sit on the sofa. The time rolls in quickly after that, each time I look up at Spencer he's carefully combing through the file I'd given him. Re-reading it and making little markings in his lavender notebook. I'm not really sure what I put in there that was worth making a note on but clearly he was reading between the lines on some things. That little notebook was like a profile of me.

When he seemed like he'd finished writing he pulls out his phone, scrolling through it aimlessly like I'd never seen him do before. It made him look so normal. His eyebrows knit together as he's looking at something on his screen and he stands up. Making his way over to me at the desk and shows me what he was looking at.

"Who's this?" he asks, "This guy you're with?"

I recognize the photo instantly. It's from a few years earlier, Nathan and I on the beach, my head resting on his chest. He'd taken it while we were on vacation celebrating our anniversary. That was about a month before I got into the BAU, I had no idea that was going to be our last anniversary. I gulp down the emotions that it stirs. I'm mostly over the whole thing by now, but looking at old photos like that, photos of happier times, it can still sting.

"That's uh, the boyfriend I was telling you about last week. Nathan, we broke up not long after I joined the BAU?" he nods, but he's smart, and I kind of figure he already knew that.

"Ah alright" he takes out the hardback and jots another note down. Maybe he's trying to get a read on me.

"What are you doing?" I gesture to the phone,

"It's research, do you not think that if you and I were really dating that stalking your social media profiles would be on my agenda?" he's smug, and he's right. But I guess I just didn't expect it from him.

"Well that's not really fair now is it? I can't reciprocate, you've got no social media presence whatsoever!" he finds that funny, letting out a deep chuckle and tucking his phone away in his back pocket.

"Maybe so, but that imbalance is hardly my fault. Besides, you've read all my dissertations apparently..."

"Bastard" I joke, slamming my laptop shut and throwing a pen from his desk at him so that it lightly bounces off the top of his head.

"Hey, there's no need for violence Y/N!" he rubs the spot beneath his curls, "Maybe it's time you took a break actually?" he says, sitting himself back down on the sofa.

I was reluctant to admit it but he was right. My eyes were starting to go a little fuzzy after looking at the screen for so long. I stand up and stretch my arms out above my head, feeling my spine stretch out after sitting for so long, letting out a low groan. Spencer waves me over to the sofa and I join him.

"How about we go back to basics?" Spencer asks with a small grin, and I can't help but let out a long sigh.

"I thought I was taking a break, no more questions" he just laughs at me,

"Relax, you're not that interesting, it's just a simple question." he states, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it funny or offensive

"Ugh, fine, shoot"

"Well, actually it's two questions" he corrects, "what's your favorite movie, and what's your favorite snack?"

I'm confused mostly by the fact that it actually is a simple question, I was expecting something a lot more contentious, but also because he looks eager to know the answer.

"I'm not really sure what my favorite movie is to be honest, one of them is Night of the Living Dead?"

He nods to himself, and jots it down in the notebook again, "Alright, I can make that work" he stands up off the sofa before turning back to me, "and snack?"

"Peanut butter cups I guess?" I respond and he grins ear to ear, which is a completely new sight, and I like it way more than I thought I would.

"Perfect, gimme 2 minutes!" he leaves the living room and wanders towards the kitchen.

Spencer returns a few minutes later with a DVD, a packet of peanut butter cups , and a thick knitted blanket gathered in his arms. He drapes the blanket over me and gently places the peanut butter cups on top of it before popping the DVD into the player and sitting down beside me. I'm not really sure how to process any of the situation. Am I about to watch a movie on Spencer Reid's sofa? Sitting next to Spencer Reid?

"I... I, uh, thought you were just asking for your notes?" I ask, pointing at the notebook resting in his lap. He picks it up and throws it onto the coffee table.

"Sometimes I find experience is the best teacher, don't you?" he asks before pressing play, “And besides, it should keep you quiet for a whole 96 minutes” of course.

I can only nod in agreement, I'm not really sure what I'll say if I try to speak. I get myself cosy under the warm blanket and we watch the movie in near silence.

Once the credits roll Spencer finally speaks up, "I actually went to see a screening of this last month downtown, there was this little old horror movie fest-" I cut him off without really realizing, I'm just strangely excited that we've genuinely got something in common.

"Holy shit, I was there!" I say, more enthusiastic than the situation calls for.

He laughs at my excitement, "Well, I guess we have more overlap than I thought, that should probably help with the whole charade." he stretches his arms up over his head and let's out a small, gentle yawn. I'd been enjoying myself more than I thought I would, or would ever tell Spencer, that I'd almost forgotten that we'd both been on a case for almost every waking moment of the past week. I really should feel a lot more drained than I do.

I was just after midnight when I suggested that I head back home. I offered to take some of the books home to work on throughout the weekend but Spencer insisted that I just work on them whenever I came over again. I sort of felt like I should thank him for the evening when I was on my way out the door, or give him a quick hug, no that felt wrong. In the end all I could really muster was a lousy, "goodnight" and a meek wave on my way out the door before I drove home. And couldn't get to sleep.

— —

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[revolutionary-demosthenes]

Two unrelated questions—1: Do you support the theory that John Laurens’s (and possibly Alexander Hamilton’s) death was assisted suicide? 2: What do you think life would be like if Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens could’ve gotten married? I love your blog, and I am totally going to never ever bored in House #7.

These are great questions! This is going to be a pretty very extremely long post, particularly the bit about your first question, so I added sub-sections to make it easier to read. I hope this is helpful!

TW: Mentions of possible suicidal and self-hating thoughts and feelings. If anyone reading this has had these sort of feelings, please reach out to someone and get help. Do not give up. You are loved. You are needed. You are worthy.

1: John Laurens and possible assisted suicide

This first question is difficult to answer, and there are lots of theories on it. It can also a very painful topic to discuss. Please take note of the TW. If this post is going to be triggering or upsetting to you, take care of yourself and skip it.

Let’s review the facts and circumstances around Laurens’s death to start.

After assisting Hamilton with taking redoubt 10 during the battle of Yorktown, John Laurens traveled back to South Carolina to again try and pitch the South Carolinian delegates for his black battalion. This was his third attempt, I believe.  Again, his idea was quickly shot down, and it may have made it worse that that was what everyone was expecting. A letter from George Washington written July 10th, 1782 states, in a somewhat cynical tone perhaps more reminiscent of Hamilton’s worldview, 

“I must confess that I am not at all astonished at the failure of your Plans.That Spirit of Freedom which at the commencement of this contest would have gladly sacrificed every thing to the attainment of its object has long since subsided, and every selfish Passion has taken its place—it is not the public but the private Interest which influences the generality of Mankind nor can the Americans any longer boast an exception—under these circumstances it would rather have been surprizing if you had succeeded nor will you I fear succeed better in Georgia.”

John Laurens was also collecting intelligence for General Greene, his commander at the time. 

It is worth noting that most of Laurens’s time down south after Yorktown was spent trying to find military glory, which he did not achieve. He led several unsuccessful or insignificant skirmishes with the few remaining British soldiers.

Laurens also had just heard of the death of his wife, Martha.

He was confined to his bed with malaria, but heard that there was going to be a fight by the Combahee river on August 27, so he literally got up off his sickbed to fight in what has since been dubbed a ‘small skirmish.’

The British soldiers had been tipped off about the continentals coming. Laurens, who was leading a small detachment of soldiers, knew this. He could wait for more soldiers to arrive, or he and his men could start fighting.

Three guesses as to what he chose.

John Laurens had visited the Stock family the past night, and “enjoyed the company of Mrs. Stock and her daughters.” (John Laurens and the American Revolution, by Gregory Massey)

Now, I know there are many theories on this, but in this post I’m going to be examining two main ones. Firstly, that John Laurens’s death was not suicide, but instead another desperate grasp for glory, and alternately, that his death was to some degree planned and/or expected.

Theory A: John Laurens’s death was not assisted suicide/planned/intentional:

In very simple terms, this theory is mainly supported by the fact that John Laurens (and Hamilton, for that matter) were honor-obsessed and both had a thirst for military glory. Both were needlessly reckless in battle from the very start. Lafayette observed of Laurens at the battle of Brandywine, “It was not his fault he was not killed or wounded, he did everything that was necessary to procure one or t’other.”

Some evidence that also supports this is that Laurens’s battalion idea failed several times. He may have wanted to prove himself by becoming a famed fighter like the warriors of Greece and Rome that he admired. 

His dash to the Combahee can be seen as in line with this. Opportunities for fame in battle were running scarce and Laurens didn’t want to miss any possible opportunity. You can also apply this to why he went ahead instead of waiting for the rest of the men during the battle. It would have been seen as more courageous to face them head on, outnumbered. 

John Laurens was often overshadowed by his father, Henry Laurens. Military fame of the right amount could’ve possibly elevated John his father’s social status.

Also important to note, what Laurens did on August 27th was not out of character. So one could make a compelling argument that even if Laurens was not planning to survive the war, the battle at the Combahee was not necessarily the one he wanted to go out on. Especially because it was such a small action, not a glorious stroke of military genius.

So I do think that it isn’t unreasonable to read John Laurens’s death as accidental, however, if you are asking for my specific opinion I do think this next possibility is more likely.

Scenario/evidence in which John Laurens’s death was assisted suicide/planned/intentional:

(This is where the TW applies most heavily, just one last warning.)

John Laurens had a privileged life in some ways, certainly. He was the son of an extremely rich man, got part of his education abroad, and generally had all the inherent advantages to being a rich white man who was the eldest son of an even richer white man.

But his life (much like his friend Lafayette’s,) though seemingly tranquil and privileged, was filled with grief and loss from a young age. John Laurens’s mother, Eleanor Ball Laurens gave birth 11-13 times. Of these children, only five lived past early childhood. When John was about three, one of his closest playmates, his older brother Henry, died. And this was only one of many times (the exact number unknown because of the disputes of how many children Eleanor actually had) that John lived through the death of a sibling.

And there is one sibling death in particular that almost certainly hit John the hardest. His 10 year old brother Jemmy, while they were in Europe, and while John was technically in charge of him, fell and fractured his skull. Much like the Hamilton’s spending the night with a dying Philip, all John could do was try and comfort Jemmy while waiting for the inevitable.

Then of course there was the Francis Kinloch break-up. Obviously horrible. Then (possibly as a result of that breakup) getting a girl pregnant and being forced to marry her. 

America. War. Alexander Hamilton. Love. Keeping the love hidden. France. Yorktown. The last attempts to become a war hero.

It is fact that Laurens and Hamilton based their relationship off Ancient Greek, Roman, etc. gay relationships. In this tradition it was traditional to be reckless in battle to impress your lover. So maybe it makes sense for Laurens to act insanely reckless when he and Hamilton are fighting together. But why would he keep acting that way after Hamilton goes home?

While on the subject of Hamilton, some of the most compelling evidence for John Laurens’s death being a suicide is that he clearly struggled with self-hate, likely because of his sexuality, for a long time. Think about it; he lived in a society that was not just unaccepting of same-sex love, and particularly acting on same-sex love, but it was literally a crime and being caught could result in extreme punishment.

Furthermore, John Laurens, as namesake, eldest son, etc, was under massive amounts of pressure to be perfect. To not bring shame to the family. 

When John was in SC towards the end of his life, he had been away from Hamilton for more than a year. It is possible that without the gratification of the relationship (i.e., they are together, interacting on a day-to-day basis) John began to feel more unsure of their relationship? We do see that when John was away from his lovers, the relationships grew more distant and even unraveled. Yes I’m talking about Francis Kinloch now. But also as more time went by and Hamilton was back home in Albany and John was still in SC, their letters become less frequent. (Or more frequent but destroyed or lost. Honestly though JCH why???)

I also think that Laurens may have been worried that he and Hamilton’s distance was the only reason they could keep up a romantic relationship. Could Laurens have felt that once he “put on the toga” or joined congress, he and Hamilton would have to be just friends because of Hamilton’s wife and child? Judging by this line from a letter from Hamilton to Laurens, “Your impatience to have me married is misplaced, a strange cure by the way, as if after matrimony I was to be less devoted than I am now,” we can infer that Laurens may have at first have been supportive of the idea of Hamilton having a wife, perhaps because he thought that Hamilton was just using her to appear straight. In this letter, Hamilton also does allude to suicide. He tells Laurens, “For your own sake, for my sake, for the public sake, I shall pray for the success of the attempt you mention; that you may have it in your power to act with us. But if you should be disappointed, bear it like a man; and have recourse, neither to the dagger, nor to the poisoned bowl, nor to the rope.” I think it is extremely interesting that this comes in the same letter as the one where Hamilton tells Laurens he is getting a wife. The attempt Hamilton refers to in this passage is the attempt to free Laurens from being a prisoner of war, but I wonder if it has some sort of double meaning. 

I also believe it significant that Henry Laurens seemed to get very anxious when John sent him a letter from Geneva at mentions suicide. From John Laurens and the American Revolution: “John’s haste perhaps explains an ambiguous passage that slipped into one of his letters. He referred to ‘two people the most addicted of any in the World to Suicide.’ Alarmed by these words, Henry sent an emotional reply: ‘What can be meant by addicted, to an Act, which can be perpetuated but once & no Man’s devotion to it can possibly be determined from anything short of the Commission? But, my Dear Son, I trust that your opinion on that Question is So firm, that you are armed with Such irrefragable proofs of the Impiety as well as Cowardice of Self Murther, as puts you out of danger of being made a Convert to Error, by any Man be his “Rank and distinction” ever So great, or by the finest thread of declamation tickling the ears and & fatally Captivating the Hearts of Giddy & inexperienced youth’”

The context of the passage from John’s letter is unknown, but his father acts so defensive and seems to be reassuring himself that John would never do that in his letter that I wonder if it was already a topic that Henry worried about. If this is the case, this suggests that John knew was queer from a young age, not just when he met Francis Kinloch, (and that letter is from around that time, just as a side note.) and/or that John had had mental health issues before this time.

Also significant: moving forward to August 1782, John was sick. He was bed-ridden. And he knew the fight at Combahee river was not going to be big. It was a small foraging party. All the redcoats were going to do was basically steal some flour. But still, he dragged himself over there.

He led his men forward even though they knew the redcoats were ready.

Then he immediately was shot down.

So, --dear anon who is probably horrified with the length and long-windedness of my reply--, here is the theory that makes most sense to me:

John Laurens had been having mental issues like depression for a long time. When he was with Francis Kinloch they alleviated slightly, but when Jemmy died and Francis Kinloch broke up with him, they came back full force. Since being with Kinloch had made John happier for a time, he decided to seek out more love. Wait a minute, John thought, if I can love a woman, that’d be killing two birds with one stone... the love will make me feel better, and it may cure me of my forbidden love for men.

But when John got Martha pregnant and was forced to marry her, I doubt that made him feel better. So he wanted to go to America and fight in the war. He believed in his countries independence, and this would be a way to go out with easy glory on the battlefield, should he want to.

He met Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton managed to convince John that their love wasn’t a sin or a sickness, and they were happy together. 

Then Hamilton told Laurens he was getting a wife. He knew that this would be hard news for his Laurens, so in his next letter he made sure to make clear that they could still love each other.

But Laurens did not think that would be possible, once he realized that Hamilton really did love his wife, and was not just using her to appear straight. Laurens also knew that even if they did continue their relationship after the war, both he and Hamilton would feel guilty for what they were doing, especially considering that Hamilton really did love Eliza so much.

When the black battalion plan failed for the last time, it brought feelings of failure and hopelessness to Laurens.

When Laurens heard of the death of his wife, it brought back the guilty feelings for getting her pregnant, especially because she had fallen ill trying to bring Fanny to meet her dad in France.

When Laurens visited the Stock family the daughters again reminded him of his inability to have love for women. They also perhaps reminded him of his own wife and daughter who he had essentially abandoned in Europe.

With the war nearly over, Laurens decided if he wasn’t going to survive this war, he had to fight in some battles. So he got off his sickbed to go fight. 

He knew it would be risky to go ahead without waiting for the main army during the small action at the Combahee, but he had done things that reckless before. And if he was going to die in battle, this would likely be one of the last opportunities.

To conclude this answer: I do support the theory that Laurens’s death was to some degree suicide, with assisted suicide being the closest label to what I believe it was. However I do think it was a complicated death that doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly within any label. I believe it was a combination of mental issues partly borne of being queer in a time that was unaccepting of same-sex love, the failure of his plans for abolition, being reckless in battle regardless, and, if he was going to die, wanting to die a war hero.

I think these factors together led to a premature death that was not planned exactly, but probably pre-mediated upon. What I mean is, Laurens wasn’t going to try and get killed, but he wouldn’t be cautious or try particularly hard to not get killed. 

As for Hamilton, I honestly think it could go either way. Though I tend to lean toward Chernow’s answer, which is that it was not suicide, just stupid. (Like, Hamilton, your son literally died by shooting at the sky in a duel you are taking your own advice that failed horribly??) The main reason I believe this is that Hamilton had something Laurens lacked; a family whom he loved very much. Even though his political standing was slipping, I don’t think Hamilton would’ve wanted to leave his wife and kids.

Anyway, I hope this answers your question. Now for the much less depressing answer to the question,

2: What do you think life would be like if Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens could’ve gotten married?

I’m slightly unclear on whether you mean if they could’ve gotten married back in the 1700s or whether you’re asking for the modern AU I think is most accurate.

Assuming you mean if they could’ve gotten married in the 1700s, I think that they would have as long as it was main-stream and socially acceptable. I think they would’ve been very happy together, and I like to indulge in the fantasy of President Laurens and VP Hamilton.

I think John Laurens would not have died. I think he and Hamilton would have worked in the government together. I also do not think Hamilton would have would’ve dueled Burr.

John Laurens and Hamilton would’ve written together about 1,000,000,000 pamphlets against Jefferson and Madison. 

The only duel would be Laurens vs Jefferson.

And they would’ve lived to a lovely old age together, adopted some kids, and lived happily ever after.

Never mind this is also depressing.

Thank you for the kind words about my blog and the great questions! Yes, if you are bored, house 7 is the answer. 

If anyone has other asks for me, feel free to, well, ask them! And if you would prefer a short answer just tell me so, I won’t be offended!

[thebulletinhamilton-quotes]

I need lams headcanons OwO

Heck yes!

I’ll even do a hamilton musical one cause why not?

So:

When John met Alexander at the tavern, his heart literally stopped

Like

Help

He’s so helpless

John thought Alexander idea for financial system was genius (he actually understood it)

Alexander and Lafayette spent an entire week figuring out how to sell John’s Black battalion plan with him so it could be passed and approved

Alexander and John would always team up to rap battles with Lafayette and Hercules

John begged Hercules to let him know Alexander’s size cause Alex’s coat was falling at the seams.

Guess what he got for his twentieth birthday. A coat.

John told Burr G Wash was in town and looking for assistance. (He could hear the dude singing)

John and Alex and Hercules and Laf all stayed together for a good portion up until A Winter’s Ball and Stay Alive. John and Alex shared a room.

;)

After the rap battle Seabury, for some reason he had a note that said ‘Thou shall kick me right up here’ with an arrow that pointed down to his butt. It’s theorized it was either Laf or Laurens, but Alex knows who it is

When they joined up with G Wash, John and Alex got all caught up on work

;)

If you know what I mean

Originally they weren’t suppose to go to the winter ball but they were near the Forrest of coincidence *coughs*

John danced with Peggy Schuyler so Alex could sweet talk with Angelica. He did it cause Ham’s his bro.

Laurens got super drunk at Ham’s wedding. He was a big ol’ mess. (Peggy took care of him with help of Hercules!)

The rest of the night John had to listen to Lafayette talk about his relationship with G Wash and about his wife and such.

Alexander and John spent so much time apart at a time. John would send pictures of Alexander’s portrait to him. Alexander weeped.

When Lee retreated, John was like ‘this bitch!!’ The moment John saw Lee it’s a miracle he didn’t punch him in the face

On the day of the duel, G Wash asking A Ham for help and A Ham was like ‘Sorry, I got plans with my boyfriend.’ And G Wash was like ‘grass stains are messy.’

Alex blanched cause he’s married and he may or may not have a kid on the way who is to say but yeah

G Wash rolled his eyes

John and Alex invented a language so if their letters were discovered they wouldn’t get in trouble.

John does the best Burr impression that left Alex in stitches

Literally

Alex cooks the best so he would make him and John breakfast depending on the house

Alex wanted to go to SC but G Wash told him no, they need him in Yorktown with his command

Basically G Wash brought John back up to HQ due to Alex driving him crazy

They partied so much after they won. They were thrilled

John had to leave but they got to see each other happy

One last time

When Alex found out he had a son, Eliza told him ‘no to John, Alex.’ She was very expasterated.

Alex wanted to make John The Godfather for Philip but alas

When he heard John had died, he locked himself in his study, writing. He threw himself into work.

Alex didn’t sleep for a good couple of weeks.

Every year, on the day that John passed away, regardless, he holds himself up in his study and reads their letters from start to finish.

He swears John ghost appeared on when the Reynolds Pamphlet happened but he didn’t sleep for three days at the time so what does that tell you

Alex never had enough time to go down to SC and see him one last time

When he passes away, John is the first one he sees. (Philip was a lil peeved about that)

When Burr sings his last part, John has to resist the urge to haunt him because BITCH

Now onto the modern au (if you’re still reading!):

John and Alex met

It’s like instant ‘oh god I found my soulmate’

‘Shite’

John works as a barista but he goes to college at night

He wants to be a zoologist on his own dime, screw his dad

Alexander is in his first year of law school at nineteen

But he works in the same coffee shop as John

They become best friends fast

Oh god

John is so helpless but the last time he had a crush the dude was awful and purposely broke his heart

His dad and him don’t talk he’s not meant for love

So yeah

Alex lost his mom and his brother

Sometimes he talks to his dad

So he got issues too

Laf and Hercules know they like each other

It takes a while

But

Their tension becomes thicker

Alexander will only take a break when John asks

Not even Washington can persuade Alex and he’s his boss

Jesus

John missed nature

Alex and John go on nature trips

As long as Herc and Laf come with them

They start doing camping trips cause John complained he wasn’t experiencing nature like he use to

Alex reluctantly agreed to go camping

As long as he gets to share a tent with John

Hercules is a light sleeper, btw

Laf isn’t though

Yes I’ll confirm what you’re thinking: they definitely try that

Afterwards, (in the morning) they announce they are dating

Without missing a beat Herc goes ‘Wish you had done that before the trip. Otherwise, I could have brought headphones.’

Alex and John are bright red

Go Hercules

Next time they go camping, Aaron Burr comes with them

No one tells Burr to bring headphones

Anyway

Alex and John go walking through Central Park on their days off

They have coordinated date nights (if they stay in on a date night, the other has to plan a relexing night but they get to choose the channel. John loves the discovery channel.)

They live with Laf and Hercules but they plan on moving out to their own place

Mostly so John can get a pet

Hercules has a no pet rule

John and Alexander will text each other poems

When John has to go to SC for a while, Alex and him send each other letters

It’s mostly cute but it could def give the devil a nosebleed

John reconciles with his siblings but not his dad.

He eventually tells Alex why

John will play with Alexander’s hair the most

John is two inches taller than Alex and Alex hates short jokes so much

UGH

I have more but ask me again and I’ll be sure to help you out anon! Thanks so much for the ask!! I love lams they are one of my favorites! :)

[peggysousfan]

Captain America: The First Super Soldiers

Chapter 6 is finished....and it is the final chapter!!!! I enjoyed this series so much, it was fun to write. I hope you all enjoy it as well!!:)

 1 month later, SSR Bunker:

"Johann Schmidt belongs in a bug house. He thinks he's a god, and he's willing to blow up half of the world to prove it,starting with the USA." Philips says. The others are at the large,circular, meeting table. Carter, Stark, Sousa, Rogers, and the other Commandos.

"Schmidt is working with powers beyond our capabilities." Stark explains. "He gets across the Atlantic, He will wipe out the entire Eastern seaboard in an hour." Rogers and Sousa continue look at the files in front of them.

"How much time we got?" Jones asks.

"According to my new best friend, under 24 hours." Philips says. Another Agent from the crowd asks where he is, and Philips explains. "Hydras lats base is here.In the Alps, 500 feet below the surface.

"So what are we supposed to do?" Asks Morita, one of the Commandos."I mean, its not like we can just knock on the front door."

"Why not?" Rogers asks. The whole room goes silent.

"He's right, why not?" Maybe thats exactly what we should do." Peggy looks at Daniel, puzzled. He discretely reaches over and touches her hand.

"Not 'should do'. Thats what we're going to do."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 hours later:

"Peggy! I got something I want to show you."

"What is it now, Howard? I'm rather busy at the moment." reading over a file for the mission.

"I know, I know, I know. Just- come look!" She breaths a deep sigh and follows him. As they walk, she begins to hold her stomach. Although she is starting to see the bump, her uniform is tight and buff enough to hide it. She and Daniel have agreed to hide the child as long as possible, and when its not...they'll come clean to the military and run off till the baby is born. When it is, Daniel wants to stay home with him or her while Peggy works. Although shes tried to argue, he insisted.

"What is it that I'm suppose to be looking at ..?" She asks as they enter Howard's lab. She has an idea, but shes afraid of his answer.

"Well what does it look like? Its a crib."

"Yes, but....Why?" Peggy tries to calm her increased heart rate because of fear; fear of what he will say next.

"Do you really think I haven't noticed? The late nights and sneaking around to see Sousa. The running away and getting sick... AND the mysterious doctor visit? I'm a genius. Its not that hard to figure out that you're -"

"Stop." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. He looks away, ashamed.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone, Peg. I just...wanted to help out." she looks away for several moments, not knowing what to say.

"Thank you, Howard. We appreciate the thought. But..I'm barely 4 months along. We won't need it for some time, and even then...I- I don't know where to put it. I don't even have a home to place it." She sighs in defeat. While she is happy to have this child with Daniel, she is also terrified. Not only is her career on the line, but they are not married, nor do they have a house together. There will be enough gossip wherever they go about them living together, let alone having a baby in the middle of a war.

"You'll find somewhere eventually." He says. "And besides, who cares what other people think. As long as you two are happy, thats all that matters." She looks at him, shocked. "Don't look so surprised. You're not married. People will talk about anything, you just can't let it get to you."

"Valued advice, thank you."

"Just off topic here..." Peggy turns to look at him. "You do know that, uh, the army does provide- I guess you can say...protection to prevent these kind of situation." She glares at him.

"Thank you, Howard again. We had absolutely NO idea that was an option." She says sarcastically.

"Well if you knew then why didn't you-" He stops and laughs. She looks at him confused. "I get it" He laughs again. "You did use it, but the serum is just to strong to-"

"Alright thats quite enough." She raises her hand to stop him.

"Agent Carter," She turns to the door as an agent speaks her name. "Everyone's prepping for the mission. Colonel wanted to let you know to get ready."

"Of course, Thank you." He leaves and she turns to Stark. "Thanks again, Howard, for the gift. I will be sure to tell Daniel all about it after."

"Wait what mission? Should you really being doing that while you're-"

"I'm perfectly fine. I will not stop doing my job until it is impossible to move. Now if you will excuse me, I have a mission to prepare for." She starts to walk away and then stops. "And before you say anything, yes Daniel does know I am going, and no I don't need his permission to do my job. I do what ever I damn well please and need no mans approval." And then shes gone.

"I was just gonna say good luck." He shakes his head. "Women..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside of Hydras Base:

"We all understand the plan?" Sousa asks.

"We're all good to go," Dugan says.

"I hate the fact that I'm the bait." Steve says.

"Well, you've been captured before. To them it'll be considered a win." And with that everyone gets into place. Rogers revs up his motorcycle and takes down soldiers, a tank, and drives up the wall and into the base. He fights soldiers left and right, but soon is encircled by fire and surrounded by soldiers. Hes put in cuffs and taken to Schmidt.

"Arrogance may not be a uniquely American quality trait, but I must say, you do it better than anyone." Schmidt says as he walks to Rogers. "But there are limits to what even you can do, Captain. Or did Erskine tell you two otherwise?"

"He told us you were insane."

"Ahh. He resented my genius and tried to deny me what was rightfully mine. But he gave you and Sousa everything. Tell me, where is he at this moment?"

"Don't know. I just came here to avenge my friend." Schmidt snickers.

"Mhm. So, what makes you two so special?"

"I can't speak for Sousa, but for me? Nothing. I'm juts a kid from Brooklyn." The Red Skull gets furious and punches Rogers in the face and gut, and that makes him fall on his knees. "I can do this all day." He pants.

"Of course you can, of course. But, unfortunately, I am on a tight schedule." He pulls out a gun and aims it at Rogers head. But before he can pull the trigger, the commandos zip line through the window and shoot off rounds; while Sousa tosses his shield at Schmidt and hits him in the face. The room fills with shots fired as the Commandos and Hydra soldiers fight against each other.

"Sousa! Rogers! You two are gonna need these!" Dugan and Jones toss them their shields. They say their thanks and run after Schmidt.

"You go that way, I'll head in the other direction." Steve grumbles but agrees. Daniel takes the hall where Schmidt ran, and Rogers takes the one filled with soldiers.

"We're in! Assault team, go!" Morita shouts over the radio.

Colonel Philips gets the message and he, Agent Carter, and the rest of the SSR soldiers and Agents run into battle. The Commandos take the hall Rogers did and they all fight them off, one kill at a time. As the Allies move out into the field, Peggy runs along with them; trying to keep herself together. Shes shocked to see the advancements in Hydras weaponry. With each shot fired, a blue light hits a soldier, and they obliterate into nothing. She tries to stay focused and not get hit.They make there way into the Bunker by exploding the door. The Red Skull takes a gun from a dead soldier and starts to fire as he runs away.

"Cut off one head two more shall-" A soldier begins to say, but Philips kills him.

"Lets go find two more." He says as he and his army march deeper into the base.

Sousa continues to chase after the Red Skull and uses his shield to protect himself from the gun blasts. He tosses it against that wall and it stops as the door starts to close; it keeps it held open. As a soldier advances him and uses the flame thrower that encircled Rogers, he hides behind a wall. More shots are fired and Agent Carter kills him.

"Don't touch my man." She mumbles. Daniel looks at her and smiles.

"Peg!" He runs to her and lightly touches her stomach.

"We're fine. I promise." He nods his head and looks behind her, the others are still fighting.

"You're late, you know." Daniel says, she looks into his eyes and smiles.

"Sorry. Things got a little out of hand." He touches her belly once more and then Rogers shows up. He looks between them and notices Sousa's hand.

"What the hell?" He says. Peggy glares at him and looks at Daniel, placing her hand over his.

"Weren't you getting ready to..." She gestures to the door.

"Right!" And he runs after Schmidt, Rogers follows him. SSR Soldiers shoot down the Hydra agents that were trying to board the airplane after the Red Skull. He places the tesseract in a secure box, sits in the pilot seat, and gets ready to take off. As the turbines start, and the engine goes, the Valkyrie starts to wheel out of the hanger. Sousa and Rogers chase after it, buts its no use.

"Now what?" Rogers says, looking around for another option; but that option drives up too them.

"Get in" Philips orders. He and Carter stole Schmidt's car.  Daniel stands in the back with Peggy and Rogers gets in the front. Philips hits the accelerator button and the car takes off at full speed. They stand up and get ready to jump.

"Wait!" They both look down at Peggy. She reaches up, grabs Daniel by the head, and snogs him. "Go get him." Steve can't believe what he just saw...They both turn to the Colonel.

"I'm not kissing either of you!" Daniel looks at Peggy again.

"Yes ma'am," He replies, and they jump. When they get on board and sneak on the ship, they notice the bombs on board labeled  New York. They stop when they hear footsteps and run into Hydra operatives. Rogers jumps up onto the railing and kicks one of them, and Sousa takes his shield and jabs another in the throat. They continue to fight until 2 operatives try to board the small aircraft with the bombs. Sousa gets in one while Rogers jumps on it. He kills the two pilots and Rogers makes his way onto the Valkyrie again.

"Rogers! " Sousa radios.

"Go back to base! I got this!" He cuts it off and fights the Red Skull. Daniel debates on helping, but decides against it; he won't get himself killed and leave Peggy alone with the baby. To him hes done his part, now its up to Rogers not to screw it up. He lands back onto the hanger and runs to Peggy.

"Daniel?!" She runs to him and they meet in the middle. "What happened? Why are you-" He cuts her off and presses his lips to hers.

"I've done my part, Peg. We both have." He holds her close, with one hand on the baby. She laughs and holds him tight.

"Sousa! Wheres Rogers?" Colonel Philips interrupts. He knows about their relationship, and about the baby, but he always kept it to himself; he didn't think it was worth the trouble of saying anything.

"He's still on the plane, sir. He's with Schmidt as we speak."

"Good, lets head back to the station and wait for him to radio back with Intel. Hopefully it doesn't all go to shit." Peggy laughs and nods as they walk there. When they reach the command room Daniel sits down in a chair, and Peggy sits on his lap. While the other commandos are present in the room, the two love birds don't care.  Everyone of them is aware they have something going on, and they've never questioned it; the only one who did was Steve Rogers. Peggy leans over and kisses him.

"You came back to us..." Daniel wraps his left arm around her waist and hold her, while his right holds her stomach.

"Did you ever doubt I would?" She bites her lips to hide her smile; but it doesn't work.

"Never." They snog again, but this time it isn't rushed by the need to stop a psychotic mad man from destroying America with his airplane. Instead they enjoy this small moment. Theres a commotion outside and the Commandos leave the room to fight off and apprehend more Hydra soldiers.

"Come in. This is Captain Rogers. Do you read me?" Steve finally reached the radio.

"Steve? Where are you?" Sousa says over the intercom. Peggy shoves his shoulder and glares at him.

"Let someone else handle him." She whispers.

"Sousa. Schmidt's dead. He grabbed the tesseract and...He vanished into space."

"What?" Peggy looks at Daniel and takes over. "What about the plane?" She asks him

"Peggy..." She grumbles and groans when he says her name. Daniel holds her tight to calm her down. "Thats a little bit tougher to explain." She rolls her eyes.

"Give us your coordinates and we'll find you a landing site." Daniel keeps his left arm on Peggy's waist while he looks through the maps.

"Theres not gonna be a safe landing." Daniel curses under his breath. "But I can try and force it down." Peggy looks at Daniel as if asking for help. He mumbles the word Stark. She nods her head and radios back.

"We'll get Howard on the line, he'll know what to do. He can help get it down."

"Theres not enough time. This things moving to fast and its heading straight for New York."

"Hes right. There are bombs on the plane, all labeled New York."

"I gotta put her in the water..." Steve says.

"Rogers are you sure theres nowhere around you where you can land? Maybe try getting out of there in the bombs. You could -"

"Wheres Peggy? I thought I was talking to her." She groans and takes the mic.

"Rogers-

"Peggy! Thank god." She mumbles under her breath. 'I swear I'm going to kill him one day' Daniel hears and chuckles.

"I need you to know that this is my choice." 'Obviously.' she mumbles. "And that I'm gonna need a rain check on that dance..."

"What?" Peggy says, and Daniel looks at the mic.

"I know that you have a thing for Sousa... but maybe we can-" She cuts off the radio.

"Peggy. What-" She stops Daniel from speaking and kisses him.

"I don't 'have a thing' for you, Daniel. I love you." They continue to snog in the chair until Philips enters the room again.

"What in the hell is going on in here?" They explain that Rogers had to put down the plane and he couldn't get out in time to survive. He shakes his head and walks off, the only words the could hear are' dumb ass' , 'rogers', and 'damn Nazis'.

"I love you too, Peg."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several days go by, and not a word from Steve Rogers. Everyone in the SSR believed he was dead; and so did his comrades. The Commandos mourned him and Barnes at the Stork club, nursing their beers and bellowing their songs. The War wasn't over yet, but the enormous battle of Hydra was nearly won. There were still a few rats loose on the world from this gang of Schmidt followers; but the SSR was going to catch or kill every last one of them; including Agent Carter and Captain Sousa. Although Peggy Carter won't be able to fight for too much longer, she and her Captain will have another fight on their hands; a fight with a small being with both of their genetics.

Together they go to the Stork club, not to mourn like they others, but to celebrate. Celebrate a long battle one, and for the family they are starting. Howard Stark presented the young lovers with state of the art bassinet and crib, each equipped with an alarm to alert the two of them if anything is ever wrong with the baby. At first they were hesitant, but Daniel saw the benefits of it if the baby inherits the serum. Philips said he would vow for them and they can work as long as the want, but when the little one is born, one must go.

They dance and dance throughout the night, and although Peggy can't drink a real drink and Daniel can, he doesn't. Instead they enjoy their time together, talking and laughing and dancing. Around and Around he spins her, only for her to return to him. Her belly shows much more in her dress, but she doesn't care. She will build a life with the love of her life, and she couldn't be more happy about it. All of the Commandos said their congratulations, and begged to see the baby when its born; of course they two lovers agrees. The Howling Commandos are family. But tonight that family consist of only the three.

The Soldier and the Agent dancing and smiling all the while ignorant to the world around them. Her hand is in his while the other wraps around his neck, and his lays softly around her waist. They sway to the slow music surrounding them, bliss in this moment. What they are not aware of is the figure looming outside, watching their every move; his eyes staring at her growing stomach. And yet thats how they stay, until Peggy's legs get tired. Shes starts to walk away, but he grabs her hand and stops her. She turns to look at him, and finds him down on one knee...

"Peg." She gasps, and the entire room goes quiet; their fellow comrades watch intensely, waiting. Even Colonel Philips watches without making a sound. "So I know we've kind of done this backwards," She laughs, "But I don't care. From the moment I saw you on that field, radiating beauty, and then knock Hodge on his ass, I knew you were the one for me." She covers her mouth and wipes away her tears. "You have been...and idol rock for me and a nonstop supporter. No matter how many obstacles I faced, you were always there to talk me though it or to help me get there. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, Peggy. I love you with every fiber of my being. So..." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a velvet box.

"Oh my God..." She says as she takes a deep breath.

"Margaret Elizabeth, Peggy, Carter. Will you do me the honor of spending  the rest of your life with me as my wife?" She continues to cry happy tears and laughs. "Will you marry me, Peggy?"

For several moments the room is completely silent, no one makes a sound; not even the band. Everyone is waiting for her to answer. She gets down on her knees and kisses him with all her might.

"Yes!" And they kiss again.

"YEAH!!!" The Commandos all scream and clap. Although the Colonel doesn't shout, he does smile and clap his hands. Daniel lifts Peggy off the ground and and carries her out of the club. As they leave the Commandos all congratulate them and order more drinks to celebrate. Although this night was seemingly perfect for them, they were not aware the man was still watching from afar. He follows them to their hotel room and waits.

"How long were you planning on this!?" She asks, only brifly taking her lips from his.

"Maybe... a few weeks before you told me you were pregnant..?"

"Daniel!" He lays her down on the bad and sits next to her. "You've been waiting THAT long!?"H e laughs.

"I'm sorry. I just...wanted to wait for the right time." They stare into each others eyes as she sits up. They lean forward and snog until they are out of breath; only stopping for air and then returning to their love. For minutes they are in paradise, enjoying the time they have alone....until the door is kicked down.They jump out of bed and see a dead man.

"Rogers? How the hell-" Steve Punches Daniel in the face, and he falls back.

"Daniel!" SHe runs to him and looks at Steve. "How the HELL did you survive?"

"Doesn't matter. I just did. I came back for you. For our dance."

"Our Dance!?" She fumes. "What bloody dance? I told you I was never interested. The kiss with Daniel should have been a big enough hint for you to stop pursuing... WHATEVER its was you were pursing!"

"Move out of the way, Peggy." She steps in more and shields Daniel.

"NO" She stands her ground.  He walks toward them and shoves her aside.

"Peg!" Daniel punches Steve in the gut and knocks the wind from his lungs. "Haven't you learned by now I'm stronger than you, Rogers?" As he holds his gut and Daniel uppercuts his jaw, and then he falls down. Daniel catches his breath and looks over at his fiance. "Peggy..." He runs to the bed and helps her sit up.

"I-I'm okay...We're fine.." She keeps a hand on her belly and looks at Rogers, who starts to stand up.

"Are you out of your Damn mind! Who in their right mind would shove a pregnant woman?" Daniel shouts, his hand lays over hers to protect the baby.

"What?" Steve looks down and finally notices. He balls his fist and charges at Daniel. "That should be my kid... You took her from me!" Peggy reaches over into her bag and grabs her gun, then BANG! Steve backs away, shocked. She shoots again and again, until the chamber is emptied.

“I was never yours to begin with you sickly obsessed bastard.” He stands there, holds his chest, and falls to the ground. "Enjoy your trip in hell." Daniel wraps his arm around her and hold her tight, the need to protect her and the baby overwhelms him.

"You okay?" He finally asks.

"Of course I am. I'm Peggy Carter" she cheeks, and he laughs. "Soon to be Peggy Sousa..." He stops breathing for a moment as the thought settles in his mind. She laughs at his pause and kisses him gently. "I can handle anything, Daniel. Especially with you by my side." They smile at each other and hold one another close.

Eventually Colonel Philips and the SSR are called. They inform them of Steve Rogers demise. He didn't die in the Valkyrie crash, but he did die by Agent Carters hand. He had become violent, erratic, obsessive, he harmed her and tried to kill Captain Sousa; the love of her life and the father of her child. The serum was meant to amplify everything in the human body, the good and the bad. It seemed Steve Rogers was more bad than good. For the rest of the night the SSR worked on taking care of Rogers body, and the two lovers from war set out to enjoy the little family they had started.

[dillydedalus]

what i read in july

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT aka i’m finally out of the (relative) reading slump for good & my bro james joyce was there

men explain things to me, rebecca solnit the original mansplaining essay is great, and still scarily relevant; the others in this collection (most on feminist issues) are also quite good; some aspects are a bit dated & problematic so be aware of that. 2.5/5

erschlagt die armen!, shumona sinha (tr. from french, not available in english) short but very impactful novella about a young french woman, originally from india, who works as an interpreter in the asylum system and becomes more & more broken by this system of inhumane bureaucracy and suffering, until she snaps and hits a migrant over the head with a wine bottle. full of alienation and misery and beautiful but disturbing language - the title translates to ‘beat the poor to death’ so like. yeah. 3.5/5

fire & blood: a history of the targaryen family I, george r r martin look, it’s a 700-page-long fake history book about a fictional ruling dynasty in a fictional world, and i’m just That Obsessed & Desperate about asoiaf (and i don’t even care about the targs That Much). anyway, now i know more about the targs than any ruling family from, you know, real history, which is like, whatever. this is pretty enjoyable if you are That Obsessed, although i will say that some bits are much better than others (there are some dry dull years even in everyone’s fav overly dramatic dragon-riding incest-loving family) and the misogyny really is. a lot. too much. way too much. BUT i did really like Good Best Queen Alysanne (her husband king joe harris is alright too i guess) and i found my new westerosi otp, cregan stark/aly blackwood, who both have Big Dick Energy off the fucking charts. 3.5/5 (+0.5 points for cregan and aly’s combined BDE)

the old drift, namwali serpell hugely ambitious sprawling postcolonial nation-building novel about zambia, told thru three generations of three families, as well as a chorus of mosquitoes (consistently the best & smartest parts). there is A LOT going on, in terms of characters, of plot points, of references to history (the zambian space programme) and literature (finally my knowledge of heart of darkness paid off) and thematically, and honestly it was a bit too much, a bit too tangled & fragmented & drifty, and in the end i probably admire this book more than i liked it, but serpell’s writing is incredibly smart and funny and full of electrical sparks 3.5/5

a severed head, iris murdoch the original love dodecahedron (not that i counted). iris murdoch is fucking WILD and i love her for it. this is a strange darkly funny little farce about some rich well-educated londoners and their bizarre & rather convoluted love lives. not as grandiosely wild as the sea the sea, but fun nevertheless. 3/5

midnight in chernobyl, adam higginbotham jumping on the hype bandwagon caused by the hbo series (very weird to call the current fascination with chernobyl a hype bandwagon but you know). interesting & well-written & accessible (tho the science is still totally beyond me) & gets you to care about the people involved. lots of human failure, lots of human greatness, set against the background of the almost eldritch threat of radioactivity (look up the elephant foot & see if you don’t get chills), and acute radiation syndrome which is THE MOST TERRIFYING THING ON EARTH . 3.5/5

normal people, sally rooney honestly this is incredibly engrossing & absorbing once you get used to how rooney completely ignores ‘show don’t tell’ (it works!), i pretty much read the whole thing in one slow workday (boss makes a dollar, i make a dime so i read books on my phone on company time, also i genuinely had nothing to do). i also think rooney is really good at precisely capturing the ~millenial experience in a way that feels very true, especially the transition from school to uni. BUT i really disliked the ending, the book never engages with the political themes it introduces (esp. class and gender) as deeply as it could and the bdsm stuff never really gets TIED UP LOL. so overall idk: 3.5/5

störfall: nachrichten eines tages, christa wolf quiet reflective undramatic little book narrated by a woman waiting to hear about the outcome of her brother’s brain surgery on the day of the catastrophe at chernobyl - throughout the day she puts down her thoughts about her brother and the events unfolding at chernobyl, as well as the double uncertainty she is trying to cope with. really interesting to read such an immediate reaction to chernobyl (the book came out less than a year after chernobyl). 2.5/5

the man in the high castle, philip k dick it was fine? quick & entertaining alternative history where the axis powers win the war, some interesting bits of worldbuilding (like the draining of the mediterranean which was apparently a real idea in the early 20th century?) but overall it’s just felt a bit disjointed & unsatisfying to me. 2.5/5

fugitive pieces, anne michaels very poetic & thoughtful novel about the holocaust, grief, remembrance & the difference between history and memory, intergenerational trauma, love, geology and the weather. i’m not sure how much this comes together as a novel, but it is absolutely beautifully written (the author is a poet as well) and very affective. 3.5/5

american innovations, rivka galchen short collection of bizarre & often funny short stories about neurotic women whose furniture flies away, or who grow an extra breast, or who are maybe too occupied with financial details. very vague & very precise at once, which seems to be the thing with these sort of collections. 3/5

fool’s assassin (fitz & the fool #1), robin hobb YAASS i’m back in the realm of the elderlings!!! i thought this was one of the weaker installments in the series - i still enjoyed it a lot, and Feelings were had, but it just doesn’t quite fit together pacing-wise & some of the characterisation struck me as off (can i get some nuance for shun & lant please?) and tbh fitz is at peak Selfcentred Dumbass Levels & it drove me up the fucking wall. molly, nettle & bee deserve better. still, completely HYPE for the rest of the trilogy. 3.5/5

JAMES JOYCE JULY

note: i decided not to read dubliners bc it’s my least fav of joyce’s major works & too bleak & repetitive for my mood right now AND while i planned not to reread finnegans wake bc……. it’s finnegans wake…. i kinda do want to read it now (but i also. really don’t.) so idk yet.

a portrait of the artist as a young man, james joyce y’all. i read this book at least once a year between the ages of 15 and 19, it’s beyond formative, it is burnt into my brain, and reading it now several years later it is still everything, soaring and searing (that searing clarity of truth, thanks burgess) and poetic and dirty, and stephen is baby, and a pretentious self-important little prick and i love him & i am him (or was him as only a pretentious self-important teenage girl reading joyce can be him - because this truly is a book that should be read in your late teens when you feel everything as intensely and world-endingly and severely as my boy stephen does and every new experience feels like the world changing). anyway i love this book & i love stephen dedalus, bird-like, hawk-like, knife-blade, aloof, alienated, severe and stern, a poet-priest-prophet if he could ever get over himself, baby baby baby. 5/5

exiles, james joyce well. there’s a reason joyce is known as a novelist. this is….. a failed experiment, maybe. a fairly boring play about an adulterous love-square and uh… love beyond morality and possession maybe??? about how much it would suck for joyce to return to ireland??? and tbh it’s not terribly interesting. 2/5

travesties, tom stoppard a wild funny irreverent & smart antic comedy inspired by the fact that during ww1, james joyce, lenin, and dadaist tristan tzara were all in neutral zurich, more or less simultaneously; they probably never met, but in this play they do, as dadaist poetry, socialist art critique, and a james joyce high on his own genius & in desperate need of some cash while writing ulysses, AND the importance of being earnest (joyce is putting on a production of it) all collide in the memories of henry carr, who played algernon & later sued joyce over money (tru facts). not my fav stoppard (that’s arcadia) but it’s funny & fizzy & smart & combines many many things that i love. 4/5 

ulysses, james joyce look i’m not really going to tell y’all anything new about ulysses, but it really has everything, it’s warm & human(e) & cerebral & difficult & funny & sad & healing & i always get a lot out of it even tho there’s bits (a lot of them) i’ll never wrap my head around. ultimate affirmation of humanity or whatever. also stephen dedalus is baby. 5/5

dedalus, chris mccabe the fact that this book (sequel to ulysses about what stephen dedalus might have done the next day) exists and was published ON MY BIRTHDAY is proof that the universe loves me. 

anyway this is very very good, very very clever, extremely good at stephen (less good at bloom but his parts are still good), engages w/ ulysses, portrait & hamlet (& others) very cleverly & does some cool meta and experimental shit. y’all it has stephen talking to a contemporary therapist about how he’s stuck in joyce’s text which is all about joyce & very little about whoever stephen is when he’s not joyce’s alter ego/affectionate but slightly amused look at younger self and ithaca is an interview w/ the author about how his relationship to his dad influenced his response to ulysses and I’M INTO IT. the oxen of the sun chapter replaces the whole ‘gestation of english prose’ w/ just slightly rewriting the first pages of about 10 novels published between ulysses and now & it does lolita w/ “bloom, thorn of stephen’s sleep, light in his eyes. his sire, his son’ and i lit. screamed. anyway i don’t want to give this 5 stars (yet) bc i think some of the experimental stuff ended up a bit gimmicky & didn’t add that much to the text but fuck. that’s my boy & i want to reread it right now. 4.5/5 ALSO it’s a crime no literary weirdo woman has written ‘a portrait of the artist’s sister’ about delia ‘dilly’ dedalus, shadow of stephen’s mind, quick far & daring, teaching herself french from a 3rd hand primer while her father drinks the nonexistent family fortune away and her older brother is getting drunk on a beach & starting fights w/ soldiers bc he’s a smartarse

[comingouttoteach]

Week 17

What would have been my busiest week turned out to only be three days, but they were intense enough!

Monday: We were back in university for a day divided between two topics: job applications & interviews and the classics in the classroom (that’s some top-notch sibilance there). The contrast in these two topics was much appreciated. I was thoroughly inspired by the classics talk. At my current school KS3 have fortnightly lessons called Let’s Think in English where the teacher reads a texts, pausing at points to give information and ask questions. They then pause before the climactic moment in the text to ask key questions which are discussed in pairs then as a class. The students love these lessons as they think they aren’t doing any work HAHHAAHA little do they know. There is no writing and very little reading involved. The lesson revolves around listening and discussion; two activities which the talk on classics also celebrated. I enjoyed this talk because it helped me understand why I felt these kind of lesson/activities are so important. Firstly, two of the key skills in life that all people need are listening and discussion. Secondly, lessons which heavily involve these skills level the playing field to an extent. Lessons are so often writing focussed and, as I’m sure many teachers are aware, many students can talk the talk but sometimes can’t write the talk (..?). There are of course students whose English language skills are under-developed due to speech difficulties or having recently arrived in the country, but this doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be heard or allowed to be part of a discussion with those who are eloquent. Equality to all voices! 

Lessons taught: 1x Year 10 - ‘Afternoons’ by Philip Larkin. 3x Year 9 - Reading through Chapters 5, 6 & 7, practising essay writing skills. 1x Year 8 - Media/Film lesson on the theme of surveillance, my University Tutor observed lesson. 1x Year 7 - Planning and writing for a vlog.

That’s only 6 lessons but it felt like a lot. Unfortunately I didn’t go to any Year 12 lessons this week because in the first one they had an exam conditions essay writing lesson, the teacher was absent for the second one, and the third one would have been about right now but it’s a snow day.

Year 10: another successful lesson where most students made notes and about 30% contributed. I was doing a lot of the work though and am planning to change this pattern next lesson. I was supposed to teach Emily Dickinson’s As Imperceptibly as Grief today and I had some exciting activities up my sleeve but alas, they will have to wait until Wednesday now. I was going through the SOW that the teacher gave me and found these comments in the ‘context’ slide about E.D:

‘She is sometimes depicted as a solitary genius as she rarely left the house, but in fact she was quite sociable and often entertained visitors. 

Her poetry was only ever really about her home and the surrounding countryside.’

‘only ever really’; what a shocker!!! I have been reading Open Me Carefully this morning which is a compilation of the letters E.D sent to Susan Huntingdon Dickinson, her sister-in-law with whom she shared a ‘deeply intimate and passionate relationship’. I have since changed the comment on this slide to:

‘She is sometimes depicted as a solitary genius as she rarely left the house, but in fact she was very sociable and often entertained visitors. She had 99 correspondents over her lifetime. 

Her poetry tackles themes such as mortality, grief, freedom, faith, identity and nature.’

Safe to say I am quite excited about this lesson. 

Year 9: Animal Farm is not as exciting as I’d hoped it would be. Of course it is interesting, as an extended metaphor, a fable, a polemic; but the ‘literature’ element is secondary to it. The teacher said she had considered studying To Kill a Mockingbird with them and I think that would have challenged and engaged both them and myself more. Oh well. I introduced them to the word ‘polemic’ this week. I got them to form an opinion continuum across the room as to whether they thought Animal Farm was a fable or polemic or somewhere in between. A lot of them bunched in the middle but at least it was something a bit different for them to do!

Year 7: I just had the one lesson with them this week. I gave them a checklist - ‘features in a vlog’ - and go them to note down the features as I played a travel vlog. I paused the video at key points and got them to identify the features. It worked well. Some of them were noting down features straight away, some noted them down when I paused the video and some needed prompting/questioning in order to identify the features. I then showed them a template that they could use to write their own and set them off. They were writing these in groups of 2/3. When I went round to help them quite a few were off task. I quickly worked out that when I asked them to perform what they had so far this really spurred them on because they LOVE performing, being the centre of attention, being heard. Unfortunately I missed the lesson where they performed these to the whole class. On Monday we are in a computer room with them and I might try and record them and add images to a video. My technology skills might not be quite up to the task but I will liaise with the teacher and try my best. 

Year 8: Observation lesson! I think I benefitted from the ‘honeymoon’ period in terms of behaviour during this lesson, as I’d never taught them before. I managed to learn a surprising number of names, even the name of the boy who appeared in the room despite not being on the register or seating plan! It remains a mystery as to why he was in the room. About ten minutes in a quiet boy put his hand up and said ‘miss, he isn’t supposed to be in here.’ Luckily my AT was at hand. The boy said he’d been moved tutor groups but no one, including the class teacher, has found any evidence of this. Anyway, he stayed in the room for the duration and caused a moderate amount of disturbance. The topic for the lesson was surveillance in relation to the film The Truman Show (or if would have been in relation to this film if I’d gotten to the plenary). It was the first time I’d taught a lesson on media/film but I had read the entire SOW so far in preparation and watched some videos on Youtube about the basics of film/media classes. As I look back on it now I wish I had chosen a different topic. I just chose the next topic in the SOW but it didn’t really work in my favour. The text’s reading age was too high, I didn’t model answers to the questions I posed and I didn’t feedback from the questions. The starter/s were more successful in terms of engagement but the content didn’t quite link. I would have liked to come in with something a bit stronger and more personal for my first lesson with them. My main downfalls: I didn’t ask for help with the lesson early enough and I didn’t question the SOW provided. My goal over the next 7/8 weeks is to develop confidence in picking my own topics/ideas/activities for lesson and following through on questions like; what do I think is important? what do I think they need to know?  

Next week I really need to get on the EPS boat. My presentation for the assignment will be on questioning. I chose this topic because I really want to develop my own questioning skills and believe that in the classroom situation, great questioning makes all the difference. I am worried that I won’t be able to identify a solid question in the topic though (ironic). What is the impact of good questioning? How does good questioning affect learning? How do teachers construct questions? What kind of questioning techniques build students’ learning?  How do I measure these? A challenge. I guess I need to ask for help, and in good time. 

Onwards and upwards. I’ve got to plan, deliver and mark multiple assessments over the next two weeks and try to get my lesson plans in earlier as my bad habits aren’t proving conducive to building good relationships within the English department.. :( with whom I still do not share an office with. Oh well!

Happy snow day one and all! Please enjoy my cartoon strip of life so far in Placement 2 as a final word:

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #19: The Aquarium

Mr. Smith woke up angry Sunday morning, angry that his 31st pizza party had been an absolute disaster- he hadn’t proven once and for all that HE was in fact the genius, not Leo and Ritchie, and they had made him look STUPID, again! Mr. Smith spent all morning moping around the house, pouting and rubbing tears springing to his eyes as he thought about all the ways Leo and Ritchie were bullying him by being smarter.

In the kitchen, Mr. Smith’s thirtieth crying spot, Mr. Smith found Philip, Simon and Jamie playing War, a card game that confused Mr. Smith due to the fact that it was too comolicated for him to wrap his head around. He had played against Philip, who claimed to have won the second round because Mr. Smith had an 8 but Philip had a 10, but Mr. Smith was pretty sure 8 was a higher number than 10.

“Oh, woe is me! I still can’t prove to Leo and Ritchie that I’M the TRUE genius! Oh, waa-aah!”Mr. Smith sobbed. He grabbed Simon’s bowl of cereal and dumped it down the drain. “Take that!” Simon began to sob. “Now you know how it feels!” Mr. Smith then picked up Philip’s history notebook from college and chucked it in the garbage. “Now you’ll fail your stupid class!”

Philip glared at Mr. Smith. “What’s wrong?”

“Leo and Ritchie RUINED MY birthday party! It’s not like I get to be 31 every year! I won’t be 31 again for another five years!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the counter.

“Why don’t you let me make it up to you?” Philip asked.

“Philip and I were planning on going on a date at the aquarium today. Would you like to join us?” Jamie asked.

“I thought we were platonically exclusive!” Mr. Smith grumbled.

“I realized that might make me look gay,” Philip explained. “I’ve gotta make sure the ladies know I’m straight, so I’m dating the prettiest lady I know.”

Jamie sighed and blushed. “Thanks, baby!”

Mr. Smith stuck his finger in the back of his throat and made gagging noises. “Public displays of affection! Romance should not be seen OR heard!”

“We’re not in public,” Philip said. “And you’re not jealous, are you? This is a friend marriage, we’re not in love, no matter how much it feels like we are.”

“I know!” Mr. Smith yelled. “I’m straight! Being attracted to men sometimes makes you straight, right?”

Amy sauntered in the room. “That would make you bisexual.”

“Oh, then I only like women. I was just testing all of you!” Mr. Smith held up his hands. “I swear I’m straight! Not a hint of gay in me! Nope, I’m totally straight!”

“Ok, good,” Philip said. “Anyway, you’re more than welcome to join us on our date at the aquarium.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “O-kay. I guess I’ll go.”

Twenty minutes later, Jamie, Philip and Mr. Smith got in the car. “Can I drive?” Mr. Smith asked.

“You’re not smart enough to drive,” Jamie said. “I’M a TRUE intellectual. It should be up to me to take care of things. I even tied my own shoelaces today.”

Philip gasped. “So did I! We’re a POWER COUPLE!”

Mr. Smith sighed. “I thought we were a platonic power couple.”

“No, our platonic marriage means nothing compared to what Jamie and I have.”

Mr. Smith scowled. “Fine! Maybe we’ll get a platonic divorce then!”

Philip sighed. “I guess it means a little more than I said.”

Mr. Smith smiled. “Really?”

Philip grasped Mr. Smith’s hand. “Really.”

Jamie glared at them. “Philip, you’re supposed to hold my hand! We’re on a date! Stop holding your platonic husband’s hand!”

“I love you, Jamie,” Philip patted Jamie’s hand.

Jamie sighed. “I love you too.”

They drove for about thirty minutes, while Mr. Smith kept pointing out Greenbirds and the occasional Phoenix on the side of the road, Jamie nodding in fascination. Finally, they arrived at their destination, Mr. Smith’s new favorite place after the catastrophe at the zoo- the aquarium.

Mr. Smith ran around the aquarium excitedly. He looked for birds, but was surprised that the only birds present were penguins. He was sure there were many birds that lived in the deep blue sea. Birds had gills, right?

Mr. Smith finally gave in and hurried over to the shark tank. When he saw who was there he gasped. “YOU! OH NO! Not AGAIN!”

Leo, Ritchie and Alex sighed. “Seriously? Mr. Smith? Again?” Ritchie groaned.

“Shut up, devil spawn! I’M the genius here, and don’t you forget it!”

“Like how you forget how to open doors?” Ritchie chuckled. Leo and Alex laughed.

“Don’t disrespect me, gay genius! I’M more of a genius than YOU!”

Jamie waltzed over. “Actually, I’m the smartest person here, and probably in the whole universe.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Is that way your hair is sticking up in random places, just like Philip?”

Jamie glared at him. “I spoke my first words at 1 year old.”

“I was four months old,” Leo replied.

“I had an A plus in gym class! But I failed health.”

“I had As in every class in high school AND college, and I graduated high school at fourteen!”

“Well!” Jamie stuttered. “I’M smarter than Mr. Smith!”

“That’s not saying much,” Alex snickered.

“HEY! YOU SHUT UP, DEVIL SPAWN! I may not have been able to live among the bears, but I can do the next best thing! The SHARKS!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot.

“The sharks are even more dangerous than the bears!” Ritchie argued. “Don’t do this AGAIN!”

“I will do this again, DEVIL SPAWN!” Mr. Smith yelled. “SHARKS are my people, not bears. Sharks would accept me as their own kin! Sharks would have more compassion for me than YOU!”

“Sharks only attack people when they think they’re fish,” Jamie said. “Mr. Smith is too fat to be mistaken for a fish.”

Mr. Smith laughed cockily. “See? I am safe!”

“The sharks could kill you!” Leo argued.

“Sharks will take care of me! They’ll hunt seafood for me to eat, and protect me from outside threats in the real world! Sharks will show mercy on my soul!”

“They’re dangerous!” Leo’s eyes were wide.

“YOU’RE more dangerous than THEM! You’re a BULLY! You make people feel insecure and frightened of themselves by being smarter than them! The sharks would never bully me or cause me fear!” Mr. Smith ran away. Five minutes later, Leo, Ritchie and Alex saw Mr. Smith, in full scuba gear, in the tank with the sharks, waving at them and then flipping them the middle finger. The sharks began to swim aggressively towards Mr. Smith, who panickedly blew bubbles and swam away. The people at the aquarium finally noticed he was there, and they fished him out.

Twenty minutes later, a soaking wet Mr. Smith pointed a finger at the trio. “YOU! This is all your fault!” Mr. Smith grabbed a pamphlet from a nearby person and dumped it in a small fish tank. “You won’t be using this again!” He yelled. Then he grabbed a watch off someone’s wrist and dropped it on the floor, smashing it with his foot. “That’s 300 dollars down the drain!” Finally, he splashed some water from the touch tank at Jamie. “Take that!” Security guards arrived and escorted him and his friends out, while they yelled swears at Leo and Ritchie.

***

[characteroulette]

Also, as an added bonus, I wrote an actual scene for the "We Didn’t Need You" AU that I had fun with (because Jonathan), so here’s that, too

  Dante knew even in childhood that he was meant to be alone. Whenever he tried to get his classmates to play with him, they were never interested in giants made of melting clay or trickster pixies who trapped the unsuspecting travellers in eternal dances. They wanted to play things like 'house', or re-enact bible stories, or play made up silly hero stories in which the monsters were always defeated and the heroes came out on top.

  They didn't seem to understand that the monsters could have complexity to them, that they weren't just evil beings. And Dante never understood the appeal of pretending to be a family. (They could have their robot cats and pet dragons, but the fact that the Mama and Papa were so kind and loving with their babies just seemed like such a lie.)

  He had a Mama and a Papa. He had a sibling sometimes. But, at the end of the day, Dante was always alone.

  At some point, he just started preferring it that way.

//

  Of all the new first years that came to their school that year, it was the frightened blond boy who caught Jonathan's interest. The kid got a single room, always ate alone at his own table, and seemed to be avoiding everyone else. An air of loneliness hung about the boy, yet it was a contented sort of loneliness. At least, if Jonathan was reading it right.

  Honestly, despite never even interacting with this other boy, Jonathan felt a kinship with him.

  Maybe that's what possessed him to sit down at the same table one day for lunch, completely unprompted.

  The disturbance made the boy look up at Jonathan. A mixture of confusion and fear was in his eyes, which Jonathan now noted were red. Just as Niculaie and Damon's eyes were. After the initial surprise (and attempting to figure out what exactly he was supposed to do now that he'd made this impulsive decision), Jonathan held up a hand in greeting. "Hey."

  The other boy nodded slowly in return. "Um. Hi."

  His voice was quiet, unsure. Which was fair. Jonathan had invaded the other kid's space. Jonathan offered up a smile, shoving his hands into his lab coats' pockets. "I'm Jonathan. Nice to meet ya. Mind if I sit here for today?"

  "Uh." The other boy bowed his head, staring resolutely at his tray of food. "I guess. I can't stop you. If you really want to." The more he spoke, the quieter he petered out by the end. And, perhaps because Jonathan was very aware of his own accent, he could hear the slightest bit of accent in the other boy's voice. "I'm, uh. Dante Vicario."

  "Vicario." Jonathan sounded the name out shortly. It sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. Perhaps he'd run it by Damon, that pompous rich boy knew the whole school. For better or worse. Jonathan half-smiled and turned back towards Vicario. "What electives you taking? Let me guess -- one of 'em's Study Hall, right?"

  Vicario kept his head down, his expression mostly out of view. Jonathan waited a moment for Vicario to reply, realised he wasn't going to get one, then went about eating his own lunch. He'd sat there, it was up to him to make conversation. But it was also polite to give space when appropriate. And it didn't seem like Vicario was very keen on the whole talking thing.

  Maybe Jonathan could try again during dinner. Or maybe even after hours. Vicario had that single room and all.

  But no, no. That wasn't Jonathan, that wasn't how a nice, straight boy would make friends. And Jonathan was a normal, straight boy.

  "Sitting here today, huh?"

  Frank suddenly dropped his tray on the place beside Jonathan's, grinning mischievously as Vicario jumped at the sudden noise. Jonathan frowned in amusement at Frank. "Thought I'd get to know Vicario a bit. How about you?"

  "Oh, you know." Frank sat down, cheery as usual. Despite Jonathan knowing exactly what Frank meant. Still, graceful as ever, Frank moved on by looking next at Vicario. "So. Would you rather fight a bear or a bunch of bees?"

  Jonathan snorted, barely holding back his laughter. Another perfect opener from the genius kid himself. God, Jonathan was so glad Frank was able to be his roommate. Even if it meant he was reminded of William more than he'd like. Well, whatever. That ship had sailed. Now Jonathan just had to keep his head about him, to last until the end of the year. Then he'd be off to college and, hopefully, things would make more sense by that point.

  Vicario dared to glance up at Frank, that mix of fear and confusion still in his eyes. They stared at each other a moment. At first, Jonathan wasn't sure which of them would speak first, if at all. Then Frank grinned brightly. "All right, easier question. What would your most essential item be if the world ended right now?"

  Vicario perked up for just a second, an answer ready in his mind. But he paused, stopping himself. An awkward minute passed, in which Frank's smile fell and Vicario looked to be fighting with himself on something. Then, in a surprisingly swift motion, Vicario stood, grabbing his tray, and hurried off. Both Jonathan and Frank watched Vicario dump the whole tray in the trash, then leave the cafeteria completely. Jonathan wasn't sure Vicario had even touched any of it.

  "Huh." Frank sunk back in his seat, looking as perplexed as Jonathan felt. "I didn't expect he'd run."

  Jonathan hummed vaguely in reply. It may have been an impulsive decision, but this was turning out to be more intriguing than he'd expected.

  Frank shrugged, then grinned up at Jonathan. "You gonna answer my question at least?"

  Jonathan smirked, placing his hand heavily on top of Frank's head. Just enough to push Frank forward in his seat a little. "Hah, but you all ready know my answer."

  "It could've changed, unlike your attitude."

  Frank half-whined, half-laughed. The kid was such a good sport. As such, Jonathan relented, removing his hand and allowing Frank to sit upright again. "It's still my chem. set." As he answered, Jonathan leaned back in his seat enough to cross one leg over the other, staring off towards the exit to the cafeteria. "The chemicals come in handy. Never know when you'd need explosives or some medical supplies."

  "Logical as ever, sir chemist." Frank attempted a posh, serious tone, but ended up giggling. Jonathan smiled along. Frank petered out, then gave a long, dramatic sigh. "I gotta go now, I only came over to talk for a bit."

  Jonathan raised his eyebrows, intrigued. "Got plans?"

  "Yeah, that Philips girl agreed to help me with some of my English stuff." Frank grinned as he stood and grabbed his tray, giddy as ever. After a moment, however, that giddiness turned into sheepishness. "I mean. Not that I don't think you'd be able to help me with that, too, just."

  Jonathan shook his head in what he hoped was an encouraging, understanding sentiment. "Go make friends."

  A bright child like Frank couldn't be bound to just his focused brother and someone as dour as Jonathan, lord knew. Frank seemed reassured, thankfully, perking right back up and grinning with confidence. "Thanks. See ya later, Jonathan."

  They waved to one another in parting as Frank dashed off to sit with miss Paige Philips and her gang. Jonathan contented himself a minute with watching them all interact with one another, talking and laughing animatedly. They had the Wolf, his band mates, and van Helsing IV with them. Frank and the Fourth must've been new additions, as Jonathan didn't remember them being there last month. Or even last year for the Fourth. Damon was probably keeping closer tabs on them, being so hung up on that Philips girl.

  Honestly, though. She wasn't that special, really. Her blonde hair might've been the only real stand out thing, as she insisted it was natural, but in every other respect she was normal. She had a lot of fight, she didn't take any bullshit, and besides that. Couldn't Damon tell she wasn't interested? Niculaie at the very least had to have mentioned it to Damon. Even Natasha or Aglaé had to have said something by this point. It'd been a whole year!

  Speaking of, Niculaie, Damon, Natasha, and Aglaé (with Diane, Charon, and Gaëlle) all grouped over, sitting around Jonathan's table with their trays of lunch. Natasha gave a cheery greeting while Charon immediately engaged Diane and Gaëlle in a discussion that seemed like a continuation of an earlier topic. Aglaé, of course, had his nose buried in a book. Niculaie, oddly, smiled very gently at Jonathan. "You tend to smile so much more whenever you're speaking with Ernest."

  Damon near cackled. "Kid should realise what a rare treat that is."

  Jonathan levelled them both with his best uninterested expression, hoping to god his embarrassment wouldn't show through. "Whatever, Kingpin."

  Damon really laughed at that while Niculaie frowned. How the two of them ever became friends and stayed that way, Jonathan would never understand. Even though, on the inside, he knew exactly how easily Damon could work his charms on someone. That show-off had been born lucky, a trait Jonathan certainly didn't share. But the jerk did make use of it to help out Niculaie when it mattered, so maybe Jonathan could ease up. Just a little.

  An earlier thought came back to him and he decided in favour of pursuing it. "Hey, Asheford, humour me a moment. Why's the name 'Vicario' ring a bell?"

  For a brief second, Damon's eyes went wide. Like he'd been caught off-guard. Even Niculaie's expression turned to shock in that moment and he turned to Damon in concern. Before Niculaie had a chance to say something, however, Damon recovered and smoothed himself out with a smirk. "Had a run-in with the Fireball, eh?"

  "Is, um." Niculaie paused, a little too excited, and continued with much more calm. "How was he doing? Did you get to talk to him long?"

  Jonathan, a little taken aback, frowned at them. "No, he. He barely told me his name before he bolted. Am I missing something here?"

  "Dante Vicario is the son of Lietta and Caro Vicario." Aglaé, surprisingly, spoke up, drawing their attention. Aglaé didn't even look up from his book, turning a page idly as he continued. "The Vicario family are the founders and owners of the world's leading company in computer science research and development."

  Damon sat back, satisfied. "Exactly."

  Jonathan grimaced, a little in frustration and a lot in annoyance. "And how again does this relate to me knowing the name?"

  "The Vicarios have been my family's clients for years." Damon waved a hand dismissively, his other arm crossed over his chest. "Maybe you heard your mom mention them or saw the name on one of her court documents."

  Jonathan might've relented, might've agreed at that, but Niculaie's entire posture drooped in almost a guilty way and no, Jonathan wasn't about to buy that easy an explanation. There had to be a little more than just that. For the moment, though, he settled for nodding along and dropping it. Damon quickly moved the topic along to what they should do about the computers in the towers and Jonathan tuned him out, opting to watch the rest of the cafeteria.

  Vicario never returned. Maybe that was a good thing.

[colp76-blog]

A human brain-controlled spacecraft would mean mechanical perfection. This was accomplished, and something unforeseen: a strange entity called—Mr. Spaceship

Origins.

Mr. Spaceship was first published in 1953 for Imagination, Stories of Science and Fantasy and later in The Collected Stories of Philip K. Dick. If you would like to read the short story, it’s available for free download in the link below.

http://www.gutenberg.net

Synopsis.

It’s the future and Terra is still at war, only this time it’s with the Yucconae aka the Yuks, an alien life from another planet. The Yuks are winning because they are using technology that is far more superior than the mechanical spaceships used on Terra. Their spaceships are biological and able to think for themselves, leaving humanity struggling to find a solution; until now. Philip Kramer is part of a research team that comes up with a plan to build a spaceship that’s powered by a human brain but it’s his wife Dolores who can think of the ideal candidate. Professor Michael Thomas taught both Philip and Dolores when they were younger but now he is older and dying. After hearing Kramer’s plan, the Professor donates his brain to the cause. The project is complete and everything is going perfectly until Kramer learns that the Professor has made some changes to his plans. The changes become rather significant as the Professor can now control the entire ship. Kramer and his team become fearful and manage to escape the vessel before it leaves for outer space. Kramer is informed that his wife has been involved in an accident and he leaves to go see her. It turns out the accident is a ruse by the Professor and Kramer is kidnapped. The Professor had his own plan all along and wants to take Kramer and Dolores to a new planet. To start a new civilisation, one that doesn’t desire war.

Conclusion.

As soon as I read Mr. Spaceship, I was taken to a world that I had almost forgotten. Okay, I wasn’t around in 1953 when the story was first written but I was around before the digital revolution when television was black and white, and that’s the environment my imagination created when reading it.

“A lot of this was still mechanical, worked by pressure, temperature, stress. Now it’s under the central master.” “The brain?” Gross said. “You mean it’s been altered so that the brain manipulates it?”

This story could have been sponsored by Benson and Hedges with the number of cigarettes that was lit up and it was funny to remember a time when this was classed as normal. I did enjoy revisiting that era though and it took me back to those early morning black and white matinees that first introduced me to science-fiction, but?

I think the story has suffered the passing of time with some of its chauvinistic views. I’m certainly not blaming Philip K. Dick for this and your views could be far different from mine but Dolores should have been the most important character in the story but she’s brushed aside with ease. In my eyes, she came up with the idea to contact the Professor and it would have been more realistic if she was the central character, only because she seems more caring than Kramer. I mean, there could have been a lot more depth to her character in making Kramer believe that war is pointless. I know I’m not a great writer but I feel that a modern-day Dolores would have had more of a voice. I think the fact that the Professor decides to discuss his future plans with Kramer while Dolores is left sitting in the luggage department speaks volumes. Not exactly the all-seeing eye I want looking over me personally, thank you.

“Where are we going?” He smiled at his wife, standing nervous and frightened, her large eyes full of alarm. “I don’t know where we are going,” he said. “But somehow that doesn’t seem too important right now…. I’m beginning to see the Professor’s point, it’s the result that counts.”

But then again, I could be wrong! Maybe Philip K. Dick is pointing this out to me on purpose and he is aware of this situation. If he is, well what a wonderful way to do it. I guess I should talk about the Yuks, I was expecting more interaction with them but I guess you can only fit so much into the story but I was craving a little bit more information. I did like the idea of Mr. Spaceship and some of the imagery used was spectacular. I did have visions of Independence Day 1996 and Starship Troopers which came out in 1959.

“Suddenly the air-conditioning snapped into operation. It snapped abruptly off again. Down the corridor a door slammed. Something thudded. The men stood listening. Sounds came from all sides of them, switches shutting, opening. The lights blinked off; they were in darkness. The lights came back on, and at the same time the heating coils dimmed and faded.”

After reading Mr. Spaceship quite a few times, I’m left wondering, what is the moral of the story? I guess I could look at the Professor who is pretty reminiscent of those who have survived the turmoil of war in real life. Only problem is his actions are not something I agree with so he didn’t really resonate with me. Kramer really didn’t seem like the man who could lead a new society into a peaceful existence either.

“In time of war everything must be tried,” Kramer said absently. “If one life sacrificed will end the war it’s worth it. This ship might get through. A couple more like it and there wouldn’t be any more war.”

I guess that just leaves Dolores for me and how she could have provided so much more to the story. The good thing about art is that it can be interpreted in many different ways and can learn you something about yourself and life. I guess that’s the real genius of Philip K.Dick, he leaves you left wondering so much after reading his work. This is my first look into his short stories and cant wait to start the next one.

Have you read Mr. Spaceship and what are your thoughts? I would love to read your comments and thank you for visiting.

Mr. Spaceship, Philip K. Dick 1953. Where is my Mind? A human brain-controlled spacecraft would mean mechanical perfection. This was accomplished, and something unforeseen: a strange entity called—Mr.

[trecundiff]

5 Takeaways/Surprises From NFL Free Agency

With the draft only a few days away I thought it’d be the perfect time to discuss some of things that stood out to me most from the NFL Free Agency period.What moves stood out to me the most and what’s surprised me so far. This is a long one so let’s get right into it.

5) Stefon Diggs to the Bills

As a Vikings fan this one is somewhat near and dear to me. Diggs has been one of my favorite players on the team since he was drafted in the 5th round of the 2015 draft by the Vikings. I somewhat followed his career at Maryland during my younger years so when he came to the Vikings I was excited. It’s sad to see him go but it’s something I’ve been preparing myself for. I never felt he was completely happy in Minnesota, especially after the incident early last season when he missed a practice and was sending his cryptic tweets. He has a new home in Buffalo with the Bills after they sent a 2020 1st, 5th, 6th and a 2021 4th round pick to the Vikings for Diggs and a 2021 7th rounder. As much as I’ll miss seeing Diggs in the purple and gold, I’m pleased with the value the Vikings got for him and excited to see what they’ll do with the picks in the upcoming draft.

The grass may not be greener for Diggs who is coming off season with a career high in yards with Kirk Cousin. Now to be catching passes from Josh Allen, who is average at best, may show him what he’s leaving behind in Minnesota may have been the perfect situation for him. It’ll be interesting to see what he can do in the 2020 season, if there is a 2020 season.

4) Cam Newton and Jameis Winston are still jobless

The fact that these two guys are still without jobs is astounding to me. We can start with Jameis. The former #1 overall pick has had a pretty up and down career thus far. It would land him in a tier with the average, maybe a little above average, quarterbacks in the league. However, he did show glimpses of greatness last season, posting career highs in: yards ending the season with a league leading 5,109, yards per game averaging 319.3, and touchdowns with 33. But to go along with all that he added 30 interceptions, making him the first QB in NFL history to throw 30+ touchdowns and 30+ interceptions in the same season. Turnovers have been his achilles heel his whole career due to the unnecessary risks he sometimes takes with the football. With that being said, if I were a GM though I’d take a chance on him. Even if you don’t view him as your starter there’s no reason why a guy with his arm talent should be without a job when he’s shown he can make plays and win games while guys like Mitch Trubisky continue to skate by. There are a couple teams I’d say could use him somewhere on the roster.  Whether it’s a team like Miami, who doesn’t have a QB at all. Or I could see him as a backup in a few places, for example Pittsburgh backing up Big Ben Rothlesburger whose career is winding down or on a team like the Jets or Browns to put some pressure on their early round draft choices who haven’t produced much of anything. Or maybe he should go to the Colts (hint hint).

Cam Newton is a different story. There should no questions on if the 2011 #1 overall pick and 2015 MVP can still start in the NFL. The only question is will he be able to stay healthy. His last 2 seasons have ended prematurely due shoulder and foot surgery, which is unfortunate because he’s easily one of the most exciting players to watch in the league when healthy. In 2018, before his shoulder problems began, he was in the MVP conversation, if not the front runner. He’s had so much time off now I believe he’s finally 100% healthy and ready to get back to MVP form but what team will he play for is the question. This would never happen but I’d love for him to be able to go home and play for the Atlanta Falcons, with Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley and new signee Todd Gurley. This would give Cam the offensive weapons around him that he’s lacked his whole career and make the Falcons truly dangerous. Way more dangerous than they are now with Matt Ryan, who I’ve been saying is overrated for a while now. But that’s a conversation for another day. But since that won’t happen I look at teams like the Chargers and, you may have guessed it, the Colts, as possible destinations.

I hope we see both of these guys suit up to play in 2020, it’d truly be a shame if we didn’t. Especially with players like the next guy on the list getting picked up. 

https://www.pro-football-reference.com/years/2019/passing.htm

3) Philip Rivers to the Colts

I easily could have thrown this in the last section but I needed to give this one it’s own category. I feel like this one may not have made too many people’s list but this one really angered me when I saw it. I have respect for Philip Rivers, I love the way he plays the game, the attitude and intensity he brings to every game is truly admirable. But why do people think he’s so great? Especially now in 2020. As far back as I can remember Rivers has been in the league and that whole time he’s been praised while never winning anything. Over the course of his 16 year career he’s only led the league in passing once (2010), has never won MVP, never won the super bowl, he’s never even been to the super bowl and he’s only been to the playoffs 6 times with a 5-6 record. When I look at Rivers’ career as a whole he’s been average at best. I view him in the same light as Matt Ryan. Their teams seem to always have the talent to compete, are picked to be there at the end and almost always underperform. So for me to see 38 year old Philip Rivers signed by the Colts while 26 yr old Jameis Winston and 31 yr old Cam Newton are still free agents is sickening. Jameis, with 30 interceptions, still had a better season than Rivers in 2019, who finished 5-11 with 4615 yds, 23 tds and 20 ints. He was on the LA Chargers, who were a hot super bowl pick coming into last season, and finished last in their division. Cam Newton has taken his teams to playoffs nearly the same amount of times as Philip Rivers while being in the league nearly half the amount of time. I can’t seem to find the rationale behind the Colts signing him and I fear there may be an underlying reason that I’d hate to blame. Years ago you possibly could have justified their reasoning but in my eyes Rivers’ career is all but done. If he couldn’t get it done in LA with the weapons he had there I highly doubt he’ll be able to do anything with the few weapons he’ll have in Indianapolis. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what will happen for these 3 players in the upcoming season. Maybe Rivers can justify why he was signed over Jameis and Cam.

2) Brady and Gronk to the Bucs

Of course this had to be on the list and it moved up higher once Gronk decided to join Brady. Although I’m not a huge fan of the man, Tom Brady’s move from New England to play in Tampa Bay for the Buccaneers is one of the most interesting moves of the NFL offseason. On one hand I was completely shocked by the move. One because Tom Brady is synonymous with the Patriots organization, having been quarterback there nearly as long as I’ve been alive (he was drafted 2000, I was born 1999). He won 6 Super Bowls with the Patriots and the team always seemed to be in contention in his time there. I’m also stunned because of the destination he chose, nearly no one predicted he’d land in Tampa Bay until closer to the day his decision was announced. I kept hearing he’d be out in LA with the Chargers but he had other plans.

On the other hand there is also part of me that wasn’t too surprised by his decision to ultimately leave the Patriots. There was almost a feeling of inevitability to it when reports started to come in about him leaving New England. He’d been there, linked with Bill Belichick forever and I feel like they both want the opportunity to prove they can win without the other. In my eyes Belichick is more important to Brady than Brady is to Belichick. I’ve always felt like Belichick’s genius is the cause for Brady’s greatness. But we’ll just have to see how this season plays out because the Bucs have a squad.

Whether they kept Jameis or did bring in Brady, the Bucs offense has firepower with two Pro Bowl receivers, Mike Evans and Chris Godwin. Now adding Gronk and it’s a pretty scary sight. I know Gronk only came back because of Brady but they have OJ Howard on roster as well, who’s a solid target at TE. It’ll be interesting to see what Gronk looks like after a year away from the game, will he be rusty or will he be rejuvenated? Only time will tell.

1) DeAndre Hopkins Trade/Bill O’Brien is completely clueless

This easily took the top spot for Free Agency 20202. The Houston Texans traded, arguably the best wide receiver in the league, DeAndre Hopkins and a 4th rd pick to the Arizona Cardinals for a 2nd rd pick, David Johnson and a 2021 4th rd pick. After reading what the Vikings were able to get for Stefon Diggs above you should see why this didn’t make much sense. Diggs is good but his production in his career doesn’t come close to what Hopkins has been able to do, there’s no reason the Texans didn’t get a 1st round pick for him. I’ve read many reports as to the reasoning why they decided to part ways and it seems to fall squarely on Bill O’Brien, who is not just the head coach but also the GM for whatever reason. The Texans have given him Belichick level power without him doing anything to earn it. He has a career win percentage of .529 as a head coach in the NFL, which is about average for current head coaches, but he’s never made it out of the 2nd round of the playoffs. Over the course of the past several years I have watched the Texans underperform time and time again. And I have to say that I believe Bill O’Brien is to blame. I have watched this man make so many nonsensical decisions between play calling and clock management. His situational awareness is terrible. Yet they gave this man the power to make allll the franchises decisions for the most part. The Texans do not have a first round pick in the 2020 or 2021 drafts after trading them to Miami for Laremy Tunsil and Kenny Stills last season. Which was way too much to give up if you ask me. Especially since they lost Jadeveon Clowney in the same deal and Laremy Tunsil may not even resign with them. They also traded for two running backs last season who played well so to add David Johnson, who had a horrible season last year, instead of sticking with what they had didn’t make much sense to me. David Johnson was coming off injury last year so I’ll cut him some slack. But Carlos Hyde played well last year and would have most likely been a cheaper alternative in the long run. Bill O’Brien should have jumped at that idea since cap space seems to be something concerning him and a contributing reason to why he says he traded D Hop.

But O’Brien was on a roll this off-season because not too long after trading Hopkins he signed Randall Cobb (predominantly a slot receiver) to a 3 yr, $27 million contract, with $18.75 guaranteed. That is waaaayyy too much money for Randall Cobb and he’s not going to come close to replacing what Hopkins gave them. They would have been better off just giving Hopkins more money, his connection with QB Deshaun Watson is special. Then O’Brien proceeded to send one of the team’s two 2nd rd picks to the Rams for Brandin Cooks. Which wasn’t a terrible move, but remember they don’t have a 1st rd pick this year. The two 2nd rd picks should have been used to help that struggling offensive line and defense in my eyes. But it had to be Bill O’Brien’s way as he continues to leave a sour taste in the mouths of Texan fans. I wouldn’t be surprised if Deshaun Watson didn’t resign when his contract is up.

I’m upset for Deshaun but I’m excited to see what D Hop will do in Arizona teaming up with last year’s offensive rookie of the year, Kyler Murray, breakout star from last season RB Kenyan Drake, Larry Fitzgerald (or Larry Legend as I like to call him) and Christian Kirk, this offense is going to be scary. 

https://bleacherreport.com/articles/2870915-report-randall-cobb-texans-agree-to-3-year-27m-contract-after-hopkins-trade

https://www.footballdb.com/coaches/index.html

[runawayforthesummer]

Fall of 1798

Hamilton was meant to be in Philadelphia on November 1, 1798 to meet with General Washington and others regarding the military, quasi-war, etc.  However, he did not arrive until November 10. This got him there just in time for a meeting McHenry, the Secretary of War, planned. That, though, being the latest possible time Hamilton could have shown up may indicate that it was still too soon for him, even though he had no choice but to be there.  Why? Well, as mentioned in the letter to Washington:

Some ill health in my family, now at an end as I hope, interfered with an earlier acknowlegement of your favour of the 21st instant. The contents cannot but be gratifying to me. It is my intention, if not prevented by further ill health in my family, to proceed on the first of November to Trenton.

What was the ill health? 

Well, that summer and fall, there was a yellow fever outbreak in New York.  Philip Schuyler wrote to Eliza: 

Albany 31 August 1798 The accounts we have of the prevalence of the Yellow Fever at NYork and of its progress thro every part of the city, have exuded the most painful sensations.  Citizens are quitting city, to fly from the effects of this fatal disorder and as yet I do not learn that any preparations are making on your part to leave It.  I have written to my Dear Hamilton, I have urged him not  […] [He implores Eliza to leave the city with her husband and children] prevail on him to accompany you, he owes to you to his children and all to whom he is so dear not to expose his life.

source: sothebys It was bad enough that Hamilton and his family did leave the city for a few days, as Robert Troup mentions in this letter to Rufus King.

New York, Oct. 2d, 1798. Col. Hamilton, Mr. Church and their families have also remained in town, except for a few days past, when out of compliance with the pressing solicitations of Genl. Schuyler they took rooms a few miles out of town ; but they have spent the greatest part of the time in town.

In fact, the Hamiltons had even sent some of their children: Alexander, James, and John to her parents.  Philip was at Columbia, so likely couldn’t leave and Angelica and William stayed with their parents.  Philip Schuyler wrote about it to Eliza:

Albany Oct 6. 1798 My Beloved Eliza Mr. Church will tell you how very much my health is mending.  Your mama is perfect as is that of your sisters, and your boys, they are fine children.  Alexander & James regularly attend school, and nothing could be more pleasing than the harmony which exists between them & their cousin Stephen and his parents.  Little John is a constant source of amusement here and he and his cousins also stand well.

source: CU-HPPP

The outbreak was bad enough that a servant of the Hamiltons’ died and Philip, writing again to Eliza on November 5, pleads with her to come to Albany to escape the fever:

5 November 1798 [Schuyler notes how Eliza’s nerves are shaken when yellow fever claims the life of one of her servants, and extends his invitation to her and her family to remove to Albany.]

source: sothebys The epidemic had been so bad that the Pinckneys would not even disembark from their ship on October 12. Hamilton, too, had been sick, but who else in his family? It was likely Philip, based on this letter: 

Newark 5 Nov(er) Dear Madam, Had I never before regretted that I was a coward I should certainly do it now as this weakness has prevented me the pleasure of paying you my personal respects in New York, & thanking you for the favor of your visit to me at Newark.  It is the fate of wanderers who are so happy as to make agreeable acquaintances to know the misery of being separated from them, & I shall long regret being so near you without being able to see you more frequently. I hope the illness in your family has entirely subsided, & that you have nothing to fear for your sons.   I learnt with pleasure from Mrs. _____ that Philip Hamilton is entirely recovered. Gen. Pinckney desires to present his best respects to you, & he unites with me in offering them to the General. I remain, Dear Madam Your most Obedient Servant Mary Pinckney 

Source: CU-HPPP Given his own sickness and that of his child's and that they'd lost someone in their household, it might explain Hamilton's anxiety and depression while in Philadelphia. He was still sick, as shown in this letter to Jacob Read:

[Philadelphia, November, 1798] I am mortified My Dear Sir that I cannot have the pleasure of dining with you today as I promised; but I am so extremely deranged in point of health that I am compelled to stay at home repose & muse. Yrs. truly A Hamilton

And we see his gloom (as he puts it) in his letters to Eliza.  The day he arrived in Philadelphia, he wrote Eliza saying:

I am quite well, but I know not what impertinent gloom hangs over my mind, which I fear will not be entirely dissipated until I rejoin my family. A letter from you telling me that you and my dear Children are well will be a consolation. 

The next day, he again begs for a letter: 

I have not yet received a line from you since my departure. It is a consolation which my heart needs & which I hope not to be long without. As yet it is uncertain when I shall be able to return though I dare not now hope that it will be less than a fortnight from this time. The delay will be to me irksome. I discover more and more that I am spoiled for a military man. My health and comfort both require that I should be at home—at that home where I am always sure to find a sweet asylum from care and pain in your bosom. Adieu my excellent wife

Other letters from that time also show has anxious he was to be home.  And by the time he was able to leave, he did so as soon as he possibly could, even neglecting to pay a final call to James McHenry.  He also promised Eliza he wouldn't be gone so long again.

But on a happy note, this is also the first time we hear about the idea for the Grange.  To Eliza, he writes:

Philadelphia Nov [19] 1798 I am always very happy My Dear Eliza when I can steal a few moments to sit down and write to you. You are my good genius; of that kind which the ancient Philosophers called a familiar; and you know very well that I am glad to be in every way as familiar as possible with you. I have formed a sweet project, of which I will make you my confident when I come to New York, and in which I rely that you will cooperate with me chearfully. “You may guess and guess and guess again Your guessing will be still in vain.” But you will not be the less pleased when you come to understand and realize the scheme.1 Adieu best of wives & best of mothers. Heaven ever bless you & me in you A H Mrs. Hamilton

And Ham seems noticeably happier in this letter than any other during his time in Philadelphia. In a way, he solved a problem for himself that was probably so connected with his gloom after arriving in Philadelphia.  If Philip perhaps had yellow fever, but he couldn't go to Albany and Hamilton was tired in general of sending his family to Albany during the summer, which is well documented in his letter to Eliza, he needed to do something.  The Grange was the perfect solution to keep his family closer but still safe from the city air.