#Petunia Tendler-mulaney

[ts1989fanatic]

OPINION

Matty Healy exposed the dark side of the Taylor Swift parasocial fantasy

The responses to Taylor Swift's latest breakup highlight a toxic cultural phenomenon.

Karma may be your boyfriend, but Taylor Swift is not your best friend.Chelsea Stahl / MSNBC; Getty Images

June 6, 2023, 5:29 PM EDT

By Patricia Grisafi

It’s a bummer when your best friend starts dating an apparent dirtbag. God, you think, what does she see in him? He looks like he smells of stale coffee and cigarettes. He looks like a hipster stork. You’ve heard him brag about how he watches humiliation porn. And don’t forget the racism and antisemitism.

Except Taylor Swift is not your best friend.

I don’t know what prompted the breakup, but I doubt it was a tearful Swiftie on TikTok.

When news broke this week that Swift and The 1975 lead singer Matty Healy had ended their brief relationship, social media celebrated in a way that was notable — and a little deranged. (And immediately started speculating about her next fling.) Just hop on Twitter and read the comments about how Swift had really heard her fans and tossed that loser in the trash. I don’t know what prompted the breakup, but I doubt it was a tearful Swiftie on TikTok. Still, imagine feeling like you have that kind of influence over a person you’ve never interacted with. Or that kind of personal investment.

Swift is — in some ways — an unusually private celebrity. It feels like her every move is carefully choreographed. We hardly ever see her messy, incoherent, or intentionally challenging. But fans feel like they know Swift because she writes prolifically about romantic relationships. It’s hardly novel, a musician writing about love and loss. Still, fans pore over these songs. They find Easter eggs in the lyrics, do complex analysis aligning certain ex-boyfriends with specific details. And because language is subjective and Swift is arguably both elusive and slyly encouraging of these readings, the meanings are ever-shifting. Depending on who you ask, she is everything from an Aryan pinup girl to a queer icon. In short, she is the perfect parasocial fantasy subject.

The term “parasocial interaction” has been around since sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl theorized on the phenomenon in the 1950s. A parasocial interaction refers to a relationship in which a consumer comes to believe that media personalities are their intimate friends and that an emotional connection is shared. The phrase has become more popular recently with the rise of pop culture super fans, or stans. These fans can become incredibly invested in their favorite celebrity’s real-life relationships, and devastated if those relationships implode.

See, for example, when comedian John Mulaney separated from his wife Anna Marie Tendler in May of 2020 and began dating actor Olivia Munn. While celebrity relationships have always been fodder for gossip and people are naturally curious about their favorite stars (this writer included), public response regarding the Mulaney situation was noteworthy. Critics suggested that this was because Mulaney’s public persona made it seem like he was your buddy, your pal, a friend you could relate to. And he made his personal life part of his public persona by integrating details about his wife and French bulldog Petunia into his comedy routine. When he violated the parasocial social contract by not living up to that fantasy, things fell apart. It’s similar with Swift — particularly, this situation with Healy.

Swift stepping out with Healy disrupted fan notions of her and the values they believe she holds dear. She’s dating a guy who makes racist remarks? Who unrepentantly laughs about violently objectifying women? Is this who you are, Taylor? And if this is who you are, who am I?

Things got so intense that a group of Swifties circulated an open letter telling other fans to #SpeakUpNow.

Things got so intense that a group of Swifties circulated an open letter telling other fans to #SpeakUpNow and condemn the relationship: “He has been involved in acts and controversies that deeply trouble us,” the letter says. “We urge you to reflect on the impact of your own and your associates’ behavior and engage in genuine self-reflection.”

Rapper Ice Spice, who Healy called a “chubby Chinese lady” on a podcast, was brought in to share the stage with Swift in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Some speculated this act was a professional olive branch, others an empty, performative gesture to both Ice Spice and fans who were disturbed by Healy’s original remarks (he has since offered both an apology and a non-apology for the comments).

Poets talk a lot about how the speaker of the poem is not the writer of the poem. You’ve got to put distance between them. That’s healthy for artists and fans. You don’t know anything about Taylor Swift except what she carefully curates and puts out into the world. Her songs may speak to you, but she directly is not. Proclamation of ownership over a stranger and her love life, the fantasy that our whispers reach Swift’s ears and she heeds our pleas, is problematic.

Parasocial relationships can show the beauty of human emotion, our capacity for empathy, and our ever-expanding desire to connect. On the darker side, they reveal our desire for control, our capacity for cruelty, and our instincts to possess. If the parasocial fantasy is punctured, you might have to make an ethical choice that forces you to confront the dissolution of that illusion — and, more importantly, yourself and what you’re willing to accept.

ts1989fanatic: in some ways the last month or so on SM has been far worse and much more divisive than this🐍🐍🐍🐍 in 2016. There are times when I don’t recognize our fandom anymore.

I honestly don’t know if it’s the rise of TikTok as a preeminent SM platform or just a general increase in SM usage but I do know it’s become far more toxic than it was just a few short years ago.

[zhangster-moon]

i stopped caring about john mulaney a long time ago but i feel like the fact that he posted a really old photo of himself with petunia while anna marie tendler is posting so many photos of her with petunia is like. wow john really left that family and didn’t look back huh

[djgrannyglasses]

Petunia Tendler Mulaney died.

I’m gonna cry now.

[thisislizheather]

Men Have Called Her Crazy By Anna Marie Tendler - A Review

The only thing better than reading a comedian’s memoir? Reading the partner/ex-partner of a comedian’s memoir. Truly. I don’t know why exactly, but the partner of someone who’s had immense success/fame is usually ten times more interesting than the famous one. Practically always. And this memoir was fantastic. I had known so little about Anna Marie Tendler before reading this (I knew that she was John Mulaney’s beautiful ex-wife, that she designed lampshades and seemed like she wouldn’t have liked me in high school) but I’m grateful to have found this book. Favourite parts ahead.

“I cemented my role in relationships as a pleaser, a convincer, a girl, who, well into adulthood, would contort and conform to the desires of a man, overlooking his easy dismissal, and dampening her self-worth, all to be loved” - OOF, it that wasn’t me for all of my dating life.

The parallels of our two lives are fucking eerie (I know that’s interesting to no one other than me), but it’s weird that we both heard about 9/11 in a high school chemistry class. (I also agree with her about hot firefighters but that’s, like, a universal thought that you’d have to be a comatose to disagree with, so I won’t count that commonality.)

The entire part about her longterm therapist being so horrid to her was nuts to read. I loved it mainly because therapists are such trusted people and it’s insane to me that none of the terrible ones ever really get talked about that much.

“Why are women so fucking ashamed of ourselves? I blame men.” Perfect line. Wish it was the title of the whole book. I get why it wasn’t, but really wish it was.

Talking about a web series she did: “I simply got to show a weekly guest how to do one makeup trick and asked them to share a ghost story or paranormal encounter. When the web series aired, it was met with backlash from women, mostly moms, who insisted that a show about makeup was antithetical to the very ethos the website touted - that girls were smart - and the decision was made to stop making episodes. May we never forget that females cannot be intellectual and aesthetically minded at the same time.” I love this woman.

It’s crazy how much I agree with her thoughts on motherhood: “My reservations about motherhood have been shaped by my feelings about men, their general incompetence, their propensity toward selfishness, and their inability to empathize with the female experience. My obsession with equality in relationships restricts me from balancing the weight of what men put into child-rearing versus what women do. I wonder if it can ever be equal. I feel instinctually it can’t, while also recognizing that instinct might be wrong.”

“I know mothers feel excluded from life too. I guess that’s the paradox of being a woman: no matter what path you choose, chances are you’ll feel invisible.”

“I’m momentarily aroused by the memory of a man properly doing a chore.” Good god, that’s funny.

The entire chapter on her losing her dog Petunia made me weep, but I’m a human being with a HEART sue me.

Such an inspiring memoir, I can’t recommend it enough. Read it immediately. And the fact that she didn’t mention her marriage in detail at all speaks such volumes - she’s not defined by that part of her life and that is made extremely clear with what she chose to share. She’s an incredibly strong writer so I sincerely hope she continues to publish. Absolutely love this woman.

[magical-awesome-kid]

I just came here after seeing a post about John Mulaney selling out his first shows from rehab (which got me pumped for him because I want to see him healthy and I want to think this is a good sign of that) to find out that him and Anna are divorcing and I'm just so sad! Like sad for them!

The way John always talked, it sounded like they loved each other so much. I would never want to pry, and I know no one has a perfect marriage, but it still makes me sad to see them part, even if it's best for both sides.

I feel for the two and Petunia, their dog that they love like a baby. I hope all parties come out the other end happy and healthy.

[tendlerfancy]

Anna shared this video of Petunia. "Blink and you'll miss her!" ❤️🐶

(october 22, 2021).

[hadererer]

Richie Tozier

Eddie Kaspbrak

The Pomeranian

=

John Mulaney

Anna Marie Tendler

Petunia Tendler-Mulaney

[thislooksexpensive]

The Last Pupper

I can’t believe it. This actually exists. Thank you, God. Thank you, Mulaney family.

And most importantly, thank you, Petunia!

Now click here for the petition to get photos of Petunia in her stroller.

[psyfis]

I made a "which John Mulaney are you" quiz! there are 10 possible results in total~

[kennnnnnna]

what's the point of love if it's all a sham

[glass-not-a-girl05]

John Mulaney really talked so good about Anna on-stage that we chose her in the divorce

[bitchout]

My feelings towards literally everything

[daily-john-mulaney]

day 464

[gremlinshatephilosophers]

RIP to this moment

[tendlerfancy]

Appreciation of Anna with Petunia 🐶❤️

[adventuresofgoblinmgcee]

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE IT LOOKS LIKE ANNA MARIE GOT PETUNIA IN THE DIVORCE (screenshot from her instagram story @ annamtendler )