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callmebrycelee · 9 months ago

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9-1-1 REACTION

This week’s episode marks the 100th episode for 9-1-1 and it is a total banger! I figured nothing could get better than Bobby and Athena trapped inside an upside-down cruise ship, but this week’s episode walked up to the bar and said, “hold my beer”. If you’re reading this, you know exactly why this episode is truly *that girl* and I promise you we’re gonna talk about those last 4 minutes and 23 seconds that had us collectively clutching our pearls, pillows, and pets and left us with nary a hair on our scalps. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover so let’s not waste another second. This reaction is for the season 7, fourth episode “Buck, Bothered and Bewildered” which originally aired April 4, 2024. The episode was written by Andrew Meyers and Bradley Michael Marques and directed by actor turned directed Chad Lowe. Spoilers ahead!

“She has anthrax! Or glitter.” – Bachelor Producer, to everyone

We start things off at the Bachelor mansion where we see real-life runner up of season 20 of The Bachelorette and star of season 28 of The Bachelor, Joey Graziadei. I have never seen an episode of The Bachelor, but I have watched the first two seasons of VH1’s Flavor of Love so I’m quite familiar with the concept of a bunch of women competing for the affections of one man. The opening to this episode does a great job of parodying the hit ABC dating and relationship reality television series while also being respectful. After all, the show and it’s many spin-offs are beloved by many, including 9-1-1 viewers.

We see a handful of hopeful contestants pull up to the mansion in limos, each of them providing a cheesy introduction very reminiscent of RuPaul’s Drag Race and the Real Housewives. I love that two of the contestants are named Ashley because of course there would be two Ashleys cast in the same season of a show like this. My favorite contestant, however, is Ashley A., a flight attendant who looks like she just stepped out of the one-season wonder Pan Am starring Christina Ricci, a pre-Barbie Margot Robbie, and Mike Vogel. Now that I think about it, wasn’t Pam Am an ABC show?

The last contestant arrives with a bottle of glue and introduces herself as Conchata. Joey is all of us and asks her about her name because for those of you who haven’t seen the episode, this woman is the whitest shade of pale and is the last person I expect to have the name Conchata. The producers (played by Jamie Denbo and Rique) scramble behind the scenes trying to find out who this woman is because she is definitely not Conchata. The contestant comes clean about who she really is and introduces herself (again) as Bailey, an aesthetician from Sheboygan, Wisconsin. She takes the bottle of glue and pours it all over the cobblestone driveway. She then lies flat on the driveway in attempt to glue herself to the surface. Our two producers attempt to remove her, but her skin has adhered to whatever glue she poured on the ground.

Cue title card.

“I love dalmatians.” – Ashley C., Bachelor contestant, to Evan Buckley and Eddie Diaz

Our favorite 911 dispatch, Maddie, gets a call from the season 5 bachelor and host of The Bachelor, Jesse Palmer. We learn Maddie and Josh (played by Bryan Safi) are uber fans of the show and I cracked up when Josh commandeered the phone call and started grilling Jesse about the new bachelor. Maddie deploys the 118 to the Bachelor mansion and it’s heavily insinuated the location of this particular emergency is outside of the area the department usually responds to. Way to keep it professional, you guys!

The 118 arrive on the scene and Chimney and Hen attend to Bailey (played by Sarah Fletcher). Chimney sees Joey and he is awestruck. I can totally see he and Maddie piling up on the living room sofa after they’ve put Jee-Yun to bed to watch The Bachelor. There’s a funny moment where the other contestants flirt heavily with Eddie and Buck. Eddie tells them he’s taken but points to Buck and says that he is single. Buck tells them he has a rule about not dating people he meets on calls which is hilarious considering he nearly got fired in the first episode of the series for taking one of the firetrucks to a booty call with a woman he saved.

Eddie and Buck breakout the jackhammer to cut away the piece of driveway Bailey is stuck to so she can be transported to the nearest hospital. Meanwhile, Chimney answers a FaceTime call from Maddie and Josh who want to know the identity of the latest bachelor. Chimney flips the camera around and tries to be sneaky about filming Joey, but he gets caught. He ducks behind the limo Bailey pulled up in and sees another woman passed out in the backseat. We learn this is the real Conchata and she has been chloroformed by Bailey. Speaking of Bailey, as she is loaded into the ambulance, she yells for Joey to visit her in prison. Yeah, I don’t think Joey Graziadei is going to be visiting you, Bailey.

“That night was the most fun I’ve had since getting struck by lightning.” – Evan Buckley, to Tommy Kinard

We next head over to Air Operations One which I’ve learned is a part of the Los Angeles Fire Department. Tommy Kinard (played by Lou Ferrigno Jr.), our former 118 firefighter turned helicopter pilot, is giving Buck a tour of the unit. I got so excited seeing these two share a scene together because it’s no secret that Buck is my favorite character on the show, and I really like how they’re brought Tommy back into the show this season. Buck is in awe of everything Tommy’s telling him, but the latter believes he has ulterior motives for being there. He asks if Buck is thinking about changing career paths. Buck tells him that he really got a thrill flying in the middle of a hurricane to save Bobby and Athena. It’s the most fun he’s had since getting struck by lightning.

Buck asks Tommy what got him into flying. Tommy tells him that he used to be a pilot in the Army. Buck lights up and tells Tommy that Eddie was in the Army, too. Tommy already knows this. Buck then tells Tommy that he met his ex (Taylor) responding to a helicopter crash and then realizes in that moment that maybe that was a sign of things to come. Tommy agrees that saving someone’s life and dating them never turns out the way you want it to. Upon second (and third) viewing of this episode, I find it interesting how the both of them are ambiguous about the genders of the people they are speaking about. Buck could’ve mentioned Taylor by name, but he chose to just say ex instead. Now back to the topic at hand, Buck says he isn’t sure if he’d want to leave where he is now to pursue being a pilot and Tommy assures him he can do both which seems to be the thesis of this episode. Tommy offers to teach Buck how to fly for fun. Buck offers to buy him a beer and Tommy says he’d love that. Again, how did I not pick up on the subtle flirtation the first time I saw this episode. These two’s chemistry is off the charts.

However, our little meet cute is cut short when Eddie arrives. Eddie is surprised to see Buck there and asks Tommy if he got three tickets to the fight. Tommy says ‘no’ but he wishes he did. Here’s another thing I really liked about this scene. I’m sure, by now, Tommy knows that Buck goes by Buck but each time he addresses Buck he calls him ‘Evan’. I’ve always equated the characters on this show who refer to him as ‘Evan’ as having more of an intimate connection with him, i.e., Maddie his sister or Eddie his best friend. Anywho, Buck is surprised to learn that Tommy and Eddie have tickets to a big fight in Vegas and they’re taking one of the helicopters there. Now I have a question. If Buck wasn’t allowed to drive the firetruck to his hookups back in season one, how is Tommy flying to Vegas with Eddie in one of the LAFD choppers okay? Also, I didn’t know helicopters could fly that great of a distance. Anyway, Tommy and Eddie leave to board the helicopter and our poor Buck is left behind feeling both a little confused and a lot jealous.

“It is so good to have you back.” – Athena Grant, to Harry Grant

Speaking of surprises, Athena does not sleep with her hair wrapped. No shade, but no Black woman I know is going to lay her head down at night without doing something to protect her hair. Okay, I’m gonna leave Athena alone because she is thrilled to have her son back home. Yes, you read that right. Harry Grant is back home but he looks a bit different. The character is now aged up played by a new actor – Elijah M. Cooper. Now, in case you forgot, Harry went to live with his dad in Florida back in season five and we really haven’t seen him since then. When Athena says she can’t believe Michael didn’t say anything about Harry coming to visit. Harry tells her his dad has been really busy and had to fly back to Haiti. Bobby is immediately suspicious of this because he figures that Michael would’ve called about something like this. Athena doesn’t seem to concerned about any of this and is basically just happy to have her youngest back under her roof.

“I saved a baby in a pipe once although it was a preemie and it didn’t speak.” – Evan Buckley, to everyone

Meanwhile, Buck, Eddie, and Ravi (played by Anirudh Pisharody) respond to an emergency at a restaurant where the dishwasher (played by Jibre Hordges) claims he hears a voice coming from inside the sink. Ravi doesn’t think it’s possible that someone could be trapped inside a drain but Buck reminds him of the time he pulled a newborn out of a sewer pipe. The firefighters do finally hear someone yelling for help and the restaurant manager (played by Cesili Williams) shows them footage of a motorcyclist being struck by a car and knocked into a storm drain.

Buck, Eddie, and Ravi head outside and Ravi, being the newest member of the 118, is lowered down into a manhole to extract the poor guy. During this time, Buck grills Eddie about his outing with Tommy. He learns that in addition to going to Vegas, Tommy is also teaching Eddie the Muay Thai style of boxing and they’ve even worked on Eddie’s Chevelle together. Buck does his best to hide his jealously, but he can’t help pressing his best friend for more details. He asks Eddie when he plans on seeing Tommy again. Eddie tells him that Tommy has this karaoke/trivia thing he does on Wednesdays and asks Buck what his plans are for that day. Buck perks up and says his schedule is wide open. Eddie asks if he would watch Christopher for him. He would ask Marisol, but she’s already watched Christopher twice already. Yikes! So, a lot to unpack here. First, is Eddie using his girlfriend as childcare? Second, does this mean Buck’s level of importance to Eddie has decreased now that Tommy and Marisol are in the picture. Lastly, is Eddie really that oblivious? I get wanting to have a new friend, especially one who you have a lot in common with, but he knows Buck, or rather he should know Buck, and him saying these things, even though Buck technically asked him for this information, is hurtful for Buck to here. This, I’ve noticed, is a continuing trend of certain characters getting upset whenever Buck does something wrong, but having little to no regard when it comes to his feelings. This isn’t the first time Eddie has done something like this and I have to believe that he really is oblivious because the alternative means that he’s doing these things because he’s trying to get his friend all riled up. Of course, Buck agrees to watch Christopher because of course he’s going to watch Christopher.

“Is it circled with a heart around it?” – Maddie Buckley, to Evan Buckley.

A few days later, Buck updates Maddie on Eddie’s new friendship with Tommy. Buck is so jealous of the new friendship that he’s gathering intel from Christopher. Although Buck is being a little bit extra about all of this, a part of me can relate to the emotions he’s feeling. He worries that Tommy has made such an impression on not only Eddie but Christopher in such a short period of time. What I find fascinating is that while Buck is jealous, he harbors no ill-will towards Tommy. In fact, he agrees with Eddie and Christopher. Tommy is cool. Buck tells his sister that Christopher would not stop talking about Tommy. Maddie wonders if it’s because Buck kept asking him questions about Tommy. Buck mentions that Eddie has a date written down on his calendar and it’s for a weekly pick-up basketball game with Tommy and other first responders. The date is circled. Buck mentions that Eddie has asked him to this before. Maddie reminds Buck that he doesn’t like basketball and he agrees and says that’s why he always tells Eddie ‘no’ but now Eddie is going with Tommy. Chimney hears the tail-end of their conversation and tells Maddie that Tommy flew Eddie to Vegas for a fight in a chopper. Chimney teases Buck by saying that Tommy’s so cool.

“We have a problem.” – Bobby Nash, to Athena Grant

Back over at the Grant-Nash household, Bobby tells Athena he talked to Michael. Michael is not in Haiti, and he also had no clue Harry had left and come to Los Angeles which means Harry lied to the both of them. Athena wonders why Harry would lie, and Bobby says it’s because the police is looking for him. They showed up to Michael’s house while he was on the phone with Bobby. Bobby tells his wife that Harry got into a fight and assaulted someone. There’s now a warrant out for his arrest due to him fleeing the jurisdiction. Yikes! Poor Athena. You think you know your kids.

“That’s Jeremy. That’s my son, he’s a doctor.” – Dorothy Nelson, to Athena Grant

Maddie receives a call from an older woman named Dorothy Nelson who is reporting an intruder in her home. Maddie instructs her to stay calm and tells her to find a place to hide until the police get there. The woman panics and tells Maddie she has a gun. Maddie tells her that arming herself can only make the situation she’s in more dangerous. Dorothy starts screaming and then we hear a gunshot.

Athena, Hen, and Chimney arrive on the scene and find a man dead in the Dorothy’s living room. Chimney tends to her and learns she recently sustained a fall in her garden. Athena looks around the room and sees a photo on the mantle above the fireplace. She realizes the man in the photo looks an awful lot like the dead man on the floor. Hen posits Dorothy has face blindness which means she wouldn’t have been able to recognize the guy even if she does know him. This emergency reminds me of a similar one on Lone Star where a kid locked himself in the bathroom because his dad thought he was an intruder.

Athena goes over to Dorothy (played by Meagen Fay) and asks her if she recognizes the man in the photo. She tells Athena that the man in the photo is her son, Jeremy, and he’s a doctor. So, this lady has killed her own son, and the sad part is, she still thinks that it’s an intruder she shot. This is beyond sad, and I felt so bad for her. I also feel bad for Athena who will have to be the one to tell her the truth. Hen asks her if she can imagine looking into her own child’s face and not even recognizing him. Athena says yes she can.

“That’s how they wake you up in jail for sleeping in. Except the water won’t be clean and it probably won’t be water.” Athena Grant, to Harry Grant

Athena returns home and confronts her son. I did not like the way Harry was talking to his mom and I was wondering why Athena didn’t slap him across his lips. Then I realized, she already did this back in season 5 when Harry started mouthing off at her. Athena is extremely patient in this scene while Harry tells her about the incident involving him assaulting a man. The man, in question, is the manager of a convenience store. Apparently this man was following Harry around while he was inside the convenience store and accused Harry of stealing. The man wouldn’t let Harry leave and got aggressive with him which is why Harry hit him. Harry is upset because he believes she is taking law enforcement’s side over his much like he thinks she did when his father was pulled over several seasons ago. Athena reminds him she is a cop, and he counters by reminding her that he is still his mom. He asks her which one is more important to her but says he already knows the answer to that question.

“Hey, what are you doing on Thursday?” – Evan Buckley, to Howard "Chimney" Han

Over at the 118, Buck is trying his best to get Eddie’s attention, but the latter is too wrapped up in his phone call with Tommy. Buck tries to impress by bench-pressing a lot of weight but he’s clearly struggling with isn’t too believable for me because have you seen Buck? The guy is a tank! Ravi asks him if he needs help and Buck declines. I wish Buck wasn’t so short-sighted because as much as he wants Eddie and Tommy to notice him, I think Ravi wants Buck to notice him. For him, I think, Buck is the cool one. Chimney brings Buck a package addressed to an M. Buckley which I found funny because either Buck doesn’t have his own Amazon Prime account or maybe he shares one with Eddie and didn’t want his friend knowing what he’s ordering. Turns out, the item Buck has ordered is a new basketball. When Buck sees Eddie again, he suggests that they can get a basketball hoop. Eddie barely acknowledges this before returning to his conversation. Yeah, I’m beginning to think Eddie is doing this on purpose.

“He was shot when he was mistaken as an intruder.” – Athena Grant, to Dorothy Nelson

Athena puts her cutest outfit and goes to see Dorothy Nelson at the hospital. She rips off the Band-Aid and tells Dorothy her son is dead. When Dorothy asks what happens, Athena tells her that he was killed because he was mistaken as an intruder. I like how Athena delivered this news because it wasn’t accusatory. She lets Dorothy figure out the rest and the moment it dawns on her that she is the one who killed Jeremy she is rightfully devastated. Kudos to the actress playing Dorothy Nelson because she really sold this scene for me. This is the most devasting thing I’ve seen on this show since the story back in season 5 where two best friends were struck during the middle of a parade and one of them died. The scene ends and I’m left wondering what will become of this woman. I can’t imagine the pain she’ll have to live with knowing she killed her son.

“So, I’m your basketball beard. I feel so bonded.” – Howard “Chimney” Han, to Evan Buckley

Buck convinces Chimney to go with him to the pick-up basketball game. Buck pretends to be surprised to see Eddie and Tommy there. Eddie asks Chimney how he managed to talk Buck into playing basketball because every time he asks him, he says ‘no’. Chimney decides to play coy and tells Eddie he has his ways. I love seeing Chimney being supportive of Buck because very soon they are going to be brothers-in-law. The two square off against Eddie and Tommy and the latter are dominating. Buck lets his jealousy get the better of him and trips Eddie up right as he’s about to make a lay-up. We hear something pop as Eddie falls to the ground. Chimney goes into paramedic mode and assesses Eddie’s injury. He thinks Eddie may have a fracture or sprain. Tommy says that Eddie rode with him, so he’ll be the one to take him to urgent care. Eddie gives Buck a hurt look and Buck immediately feels horrible. Tommy lifts Eddie up and takes him away. Chimney looks at Buck and says, “Well you bucked that up, didn’t you?” Geez, I really feel bad for Buck. He is spiraling!

“It seems unjust, but in reality that’s just the way it is.” – Athena Grant, to Harry Grant

With a cooler head, Athena decides to talk to her son. He apologizes for how he spoke to her. He tells her he is not sorry for hitting the convenience store manager. Athena reminds him that he is not only representing himself and their family, but also his community, which means he can’t go around punching people. He tells her that’s a lot of pressure, but she says that’s the reality of the world they live in. She tells him has to be smarter and he asks her if that means he’s not allowed to be angry. Athena tells him it’s okay to be angry because at the end of the day, he’s a human and that’s what humans do – they get angry when they are upset. However, she reminds him that things could have been worst for him. What if the convenience store manager had a gun? Harry asks her what would have been the right thing for him to do in the situation and I like that Athena admits she doesn’t know. At the end of the day, you have to do whatever you have to do to make it home alive. That’s sentiment is so sad to me but as a Black man living in America, in the South to be specific, I totally get it. It’s not fair but it is what it is.

Athena shows him the footage of what happened at the convenience store. Harry watches as the manager confronts him and even gets aggressive. He also sees himself punch the man. It’s sobering for him to see this video. He says it’s like watching someone else. Athena tells him that everyone has something they’ve done that they aren’t proud of (you hear that Buck?) but the true test of character is being able to face the consequences of one’s actions. Harry tells her he doesn’t know what to do and she tells him they’ll figure it out together. Whatever happens, she will be right there with him because he is her son, and she loves him no matter what.

“I’m not a fourteen-year-old girl.” – Evan Buckley, to Maddie Buckley.

Buck brings Maddie lunch at the dispatch center and catches her up on what happened with Eddie. She asks Buck how Eddie is feeling, and he tells her he doesn’t know because he hasn’t talked to him. Maddie is surprised to hear this considering Buck and Eddie are so close. Buck tells her he doesn’t think Eddie wants to hear from him since he’s the one who hurt him. Maddie says it’s an accident, but Buck tells her he was pissed about Eddie and Tommy hanging out so much that he allowed his jealousy to get the better of him. He’s the reason why Eddie got injured. Buck says he was only trying to get his attention. Maddie tells him that is not the way to get someone’s attention. When I first watched this scene, I thought Maddie was going a little overboard with her disapproval of what Buck did. Then I realized, violence is how her husband Doug would get her attention back when they were married. Buck tells her he feels awful for what he did to Eddie, and she tells him not to do it again.

She admits she knows how he feels because she had a similar situation with her best friend growing up. Her friend became friends with another girl and Maddie did everything she could, including dyeing her hair blonde and attempting to change her name, to get her friend to notice her. It never occurred to her that she could have still been friends with her friend even if her friend was friends with someone else. Maybe they could have all been friends. But Maddie was too jealous to realize this. The situation made her look desperate, and she would’ve been better off just explaining to her friend how she felt.

“It’s good to see you Harry.” – Captain Elaine Maynard, to Harry Grant

Athena accompanies Harry to the police station, and they are met by Captain Elaine Maynard (played by Claudia Christian). The captain tells Athena and Harry she spoke with the Miami Dade Police Department, and they have no interest in extraditing for a misdemeanor assault. However, both jurisdictions recommended Harry remain in Los Angeles with Athena and complete 100 hours of community service. Harry is surprised he isn’t going to jail but Athena makes it known that him being under her watchful eye will be worse.

“It’s not like I could ever replace you.” – Tommy Kinard, to Evan Buckley

Now, we’ve finally made it to my favorite scene of the episode. We head over to Buck’s loft. There’s a knock at the door and when he goes to check, he finds Tommy on his doorstep. Tommy asks if they can talk, and Buck invites himself inside. I love the subtle detail of Tommy being in awe of Buck’s loft. Buck offers him a drink and reminds him that he owes him a beer. Tommy declines and says he won’t be staying long. He tells Buck he wants to clear the air between the two of them and he didn’t want to do so over the phone or through a text message. Tommy calls him Evan and says it was never his intention to cause any bad blood between him and Eddie. Buck assures him there’s no bad blood and owns up to his bad behavior. He tells him that he and Eddie make perfect sense as friends. Tommy agrees and reminds Buck that Eddie can have more than one friend.

Tommy says that he would never be able to replace him. He says that Christopher cannot shut up about Buck. I love the smile on Buck’s face when Tommy says this because it’s a reminder that Buck, seven seasons later, still craves the approval and the acceptance of those around him. Even Christopher. Buck asks Tommy if Eddie is mad at him. Tommy tells him Eddie is not mad at him. If anything, he feels bad (they both do) for excluding Buck. He tells Buck that he and Eddie hanging out was never about Buck, but Buck says that’s the problem. He admits he can get pretty jealous. I’m so proud of Buck for just owning everything in this scene. Lisa Rinna would be proud.

Tommy admits that Buck isn’t the only one who’s been jealous. Buck is surprised to hear this. Tommy explains that he’s jealous of what’s become of the 118. When we were first introduced to Tommy, it was back during the ‘Begin’ episodes for Hen, Chimney, and Bobby. The 118 didn’t use to be the family it is now. In fact, the previous captain went out of his way to cultivate a highly toxic environment and it’s because of Chimney, Hen, and Bobby that the team is what it is today. It’s the reason why Buck and Eddie and Ravi were able to be accepted right away without having to be hazed by the other firefighters. Tommy admits he wishes he were a part of what the 118 has become and Buck reminds him that he is. He reminds Tommy of how he made fake mouth static at the fire chief during their daring mission to save Bobby and Athena. Tommy says he’s renowned for his fake mouth static, but Buck says it wasn’t very convincing. The banter between these two men is so cute I could actually explode. Buck tempers his teasing by reminding Tommy that he was willing to put his job on the line to help the rest of them out. That was the moment Buck realized that Tommy was cool and that he liked him. He tells Tommy that’s the reason he called him for the tour. It’s not because he’s thinking about leaving the 118; it’s because he wanted to get to know him. It’s Tommy’s turn to be surprised. Buck says things took a turn when Eddie arrive, but he understands why Tommy wants to hang with Eddie. It was so cute the way Buck gushes about how great Eddie is that he’s known Eddie is great since the first day he worked with him. Aww! At this point, I’m literally yelling at my TV.

“That was better than fake mouth static.” – Evan Buckley, to Tommy Kinard

The flirting is turned up to level 100 when Buck tells Tommy it’s his attention he’s been trying to get and frankly he’s exhausted. Again, Tommy is surprised to hear this. Buck reminds him that he maimed his best friend, and that Maddie told him there are better ways to get someone’s attention. Before Buck can even finish the statement, Tommy leans in and kisses him. There’s a brief hesitation in Buck, most likely because he is shocked, the Buck starts to kiss him back. This moment was beyond shocking to me and even now, three days later, I still have to watch the clip to remind myself that Tommy kissed Buck and Buck definitely kissed him back. I spent years thinking something like this would never happen and I’ve gone back and forth with Buddie shippers online telling them that Buck or Eddie coming out as anything other than straight was an impossibility. Yeah, maybe that was the case when 9-1-1 was on FOX but this is a new network baby and ABC said, let them boys kiss! And yes, it’s not Eddie and Buck that are kissing but in my opinion, this is an even better direction for the characters to go in. I’ve always believed that if either character were to come out as queer, it would be Buck. We’ve only seen Buck in relationships with women, but he’s always struck me as someone who is open to whatever experiences come his way. Perhaps this explains why he's always had difficulty in the relationships he’s pursued on the show. Eddie, on the other hand, is a lot more reserved than Buck and the writers are going to have to put in work to convince me he is anything other than a heterosexual man. I’m not saying it’s out the realm of possibility, but I think the writers did a good job getting us where we are now, and they’ll need to do the same for Eddie in the future should that be the direction they want to go in for that character. Also. bringing Tommy into the equation is a brilliant move on their part because rewatching those ‘Begin’ episodes, there are insinuations there that he may be gay or bisexual.

Okay, back to the scene. The way Tommy is looking at Buck gives me all the feels. The way he’s looking at Buck tells me that if he didn’t have to leave for his shift, they would be going at it on Buck’s new sofa. I’m so happy this isn’t just a one-sided interest. After the kiss, Tommy asks Buck if he’s okay with the moment they just shared. Buck is looking every bit of the bewildered that’s a part of the title of this episode. He tells Tommy that the kiss was better than his fake mouth static. Tommy tells him he has a shift, but he wants to take Buck out on a proper date. Buck tells him he’s free and man is that statement layered. Free to go out. Free to be who he wants to be. Free to kiss anyone he wants to kiss. Tommy tells Buck he will come around on Saturday at eight to pick him up. Tommy goes to leave but before opens the door, he tells Buck to call Eddie. We end the scene with Buck looking the happiest he’s looked in a long time.

This episode is hands down one of the best of the series and that’s just not recency bias. I feel that way about all the episodes we’ve gotten this season. 9-1-1 is firing on all cylinders at this point and things feel fresh and new again. The plot with Athena and Harry was perplexing at first but then I grew to like it by the end. I like that the show reminds us that Athena being a Black woman and a cop is controversial, especially in today’s climate, and I like that her kids aren’t afraid to call her out. I love seeing Athena reckon with both identities and how they relate to each other. I especially loved her conversation with Harry because it’s very reminiscent of conversations I’ve had with my own mom. Her telling Harry that it’s unfair that he has to always be on his best behavior but necessary rang so true to me. Athena has always known this, even before she had kids, yet she chooses to continue to work within a system that reinforces this kind of thinking.

The storyline with Buck was also fun. It was a nice balance to the sadness of the story with the woman killing her son on accident. I like how Buck is never afraid to be vulnerable, even if it’s to his detriment. I hope we get a conversation between him and Eddie next episode because I love their friendship and I don’t want it to ever change, and something tells me Buck is going to lean heavy on his friendship with Eddie now that he might be dating Tommy. And I hope that Eddie continues to be supportive of his friend when he finds out the truth about his sexuality. I don’t think Eddie would have a problem with it. After all, Hen is an out and proud lesbian, and we also have Josh who is gay. I do know that some people do question the legitimacy of bisexual people but again, I don’t think Eddie will have a problem with whatever Buck labels himself as. Maybe we’ll even get a double date between Eddie, Marisol, Buck, and Tommy. That would be fun.

Lastly, I wanted to talk about Buck and Tommy. I think the show did a great job getting us to the moment where they shared a kiss this episode. As I mentioned earlier, I have seen this episode quite a few times and I’ve watched the scenes involving Buck and Tommy more than that. If you watch the scene where Buck is visiting Tommy, there’s so many little looks the two are giving each other. I think at that point that Buck is only infatuated but Tommy is clearly interested. Also, if you go back to the previous episode, at the end once everyone has been rescued, there’s a look Buck gives when he is telling Tommy goodbye. I love things like that and it’s proof to me that this isn’t just gaybaiting or queerbaiting. This is the show telling us that one of their beloved characters is queer and they have taken special care with letting us know that. I love how Oliver Stark and Lou Ferrigno Jr. are invested in this story. In fact, the cast is supportive of Buck going in this direction. I’m so happy that the fans have this moment. It’s been so fun engaging with people online about this episode and while there are viewers who have and will balk at Buck being a queer character, I say screw those people. If a character’s sexuality can make you that upset, you clearly haven’t been watching the show and you’re not a fan.

Okay, this reaction has gone on way too long. I’ll say it one last time. I’m so happy Buck is bi!!!! I can’t wait to see what happens next! Until next time …

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pcwpolwrestling · 26 days ago

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11/30-PCW Extreme Political TV

Last Week on PCW Extreme Political TV: -MATCH #1 (joined in progress): Dave McCormick (PA-Amer Patriots) defeated Bob Casey (PA-Prog Alliance) -Incoming CEO of PCW Donald Trump enters the arena accompanied by Elon Musk, Robert F. Kennedy, Tulsi Gabbard, J.D. Vance, and Mike Johnson. -A quick look-in at The View where Sunny Hostin has to read a ‘legal note.’ -State of California Commercial -A young couple virtue signals about paying their bills on time. -MATCH #2: The SEC Squad defeated The Buffet Club -MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski explain why they visited with Donald Trump and gets jumped by Keith Olbermann and Rosie O’Donnell -Berkeley, California Professor McCarthy then shows up waving his ‘good book’ and stating anyone who doesn’t confirm to the orthodoxy must be shouted down. -Virtue signaling man not feeling well but still going to work anyways. -PSA for Late Night talk show hosts -American Patriot Senators Lisa Murkowski (Alaska), Susan Collins (Maine), John Curtis (Utah), and McConnell (Kentucky) attack and throw Matt Gaetz (Florida) off the Eagle’s Nest to the arena floor. Pam Bondi then runs in and takes them out with steel-folding chair shots. -More virtue signaling -New Bud Light commercial -PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell cuts a promo over his win against Kevin Daniels. He’s then attacked by Neal Conn and Hallie Burton. -Epilogue- Kamala Harris has the hat out looking for donations to cover the 20 million debt she left behind after her campaign.

Political Championship Wrestling Extreme Political TV PCW Headquarters Somewhere in the Heartland Saturday November 30th, 2024

Announcers: ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave AGE: 50 / HT: 5’ 11” WT: 195 HOME: Philadelphia, PA HAIR: Brown / STYLE: Like Ronnie Dunn / FACE: Goatee DRESS: Brown suit without tie

Colleen Crowder ‘Low-Level New York Times Reporter Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ AGE: 38 / HT: 5’ 5” WT: 142 HOME: New York City, NY HAIR: Black / STYLE: Curly / FACE: Narrow face with rounded jaw, turned-up nose, faint freckles, and thin lips. Bulging blue eyes, thin eyebrows. DRESS: Black pants suit

PCW Champion: Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland) Since 2/10/2024 Contenders: ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance) Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) Mike the Mechanic (Main Street USA)

PCW Women’s Champion: Catherine Cline (Independent) Since 9/21/2024 Contenders: Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance) Laura Brobert (American Patriots) ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (Main Street USA)

PCW Tag Team Champions: Starz N. Stripes and ‘The One-Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism- Since 3/3/2024 (American Patriots) Contenders: The Deplorables: Ray McAvay/’Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan (American Heartland Coalition) The Green World Order: GreenPete/’Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance) The Sports Entertainment Corporation: Gator Bates/The Alabama Kid Bi-Partisan Dream Team: Blue Dog D/RINO Main Street USA: Ken Worth-American Trucker/Farmer John Deer Wall Street World: Kirk Walstreit/P.M.C. Banks

Opening: The studio lights flare to life, illuminating Johnny Suave’s perfectly coiffed hair as he stands before a wall emblazoned with the PCW logo. His trademark smirk plays at the corners of his mouth as he adjusts his tie, preparing to deliver the news that will set the wrestling world ablaze.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, happy Thanksgiving! Welcome to our special two-hour Thanksgiving special. Tonight, we’ve got a feast of political pandemonium that’ll make your family dinner look like a tea party!

He pauses, savoring the moment. In his mind, he can already hear the roar of the crowd, the chants echoing through the arena. This is what he lives for.

Johnny Suave: We’re serving up all three PCW CEO matches featuring our new big cheese, the new CEO of PCW, Donald Trump! And let me tell you, folks, this story’s got more twists than a pretzel factory! We’ve got Trump’s 2016 win over Hillary Clinton. We’ve got Trump’s loss by proxy to Joe Biden in 2020. And then we’ve got Trump going over Kamala Harris in 2024.

Suave leans in conspiratorially, his voice dropping to a stage whisper.

Johnny Suave: Remember 2016? No one thought Donald Trump had a chance in hell to defeat Hillary Clinton. When Trump clotheslined Clinton right out of the Oval Office? Nobody saw that coming! It was like Stone Chism pulling off an Anti-Hollywood Blockbuster on the entire Democratic party!”

He straightens up, gesturing grandly.

Johnny Suave: Well, buckle up, buttercup, ’cause we’re taking you back to where it all began. PCW Extreme Election Night 2016… Donald Trump versus Hillary Clinton.

***

The 2016 Battle for PCW CEO-Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. Donald Trump (American Patriots)Back to Suave and Colleen at the broadcast desk with the crowd buzzing in anticipation for the PCW CEO showdown that’s just mere moments away.

Johnny Suave: Johnny Suave back with the low-level reporter trying to make a name for herself at the New York Times Colleen Crowder…

Colleen Crowder: Do you have to say it like that?

Johnny Suave: …and we are just about ready for the big match to determine who will become the next PCW CEO.

Both Clinton and Trump supporters rise to their feet, holding up their pro-Clinton and pro-Trump signs and shouting dueling chants of ‘I’M WITH HER!’ and ‘TRUMP…TRUMP…TRUMP!’ back and forth at each other.

Johnny Suave (talking louder): Joining us now is Five Thirty Eight’s Nate Silver. Silver, of course, boldly predicted four years ago at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 that Triple R would win the PCW Title and Barack Obama would win a second four year run as PCW CEO.

The camera pans to the right and adds Silver to the picture.

Johnny Suave: Nate, thanks for joining us.

Nate Silver: My pleasure, Johnny.

Johnny Suave: Your insight on what you think will happen tonight.

Nate Silver: Well Johnny. As of right now, I believe Hillary Clinton has a 70% chance of winning this match. I think it’ll be close. But I think the distinct trend is towards Hillary right now.

Colleen Crowder: Nate, I think you’re being too cautious. The New York Times believes that Hillary Clinton’s chances of becoming the first ever woman to become PCW CEO is around 85%. There’s simply no way that Trump will win this match tonight.

Nate Silver: I wouldn’t go that far Colleen. Yes, I believe Hillary Clinton is the clear favorite here tonight. But, I still maintain that the match will be closer than most think it will. There’s still a path for a possible Trump victory. For starters, Clinton doesn’t have the solid advantage that Barack Obama had against Mitt Romney four years ago.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah but that’s not the narrative we’re running with. Hillary Clinton will win this match tonight because Trump is not qualified to be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: You know Colleen, narrative-driven news is to journalism what World Wrestling Entertainment is to the sport of wrestling.

Once she comprehends what Suave has just said to her, Colleen glares at him and her eyes shoot daggers through Suave. She grits her teeth.

Colleen Crowder (slowly): Eighty…five…percent…

Johnny Suave: We’d better get to the ring. Kimber Marshall, take it away!

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match will determine who will become the next CEO of Political Championship Wrestling!

“I’M WITH HER!…I’M WITH HER!”

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!”

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first…

The lights cut out and music starts…

youtube

DUH.

DUH-DUH-DUHHHH

DUH-DUH-DUHHHHH.

Dressed in all black complete with a flowing black cape, Donald Trump and his manager Kellyanne Conway walk out on stage to a big ovation from the American Patriots. Some of the more official types of the American Patriots…ie…John McCain, Susan Collins, and Rick Perry, who sit down front close to ringside, don’t seem overly enthusiastic with their support.

Back on stage, the leader of the American Patriots Reince Priebus filters in behind along with PCW Executive Committee member Paul Ryan.

Johnny Suave: Trump looks particularly sinister tonight!

Colleen Crowder: It’s hideous Johnny. Simply hideous. We really need Hillary to win.

Conway leads the way as Trump, black robe ruffling behind him as he strides, makes his way down the steps from the stage and heads toward the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Residing in the Trump Tower in the great city of New York, New York! He promises to…

The Trump supporters shout out: “MAKE PCW GREAT AGAIN!”

Kimber Marshall: Managed tonight by Kellyanne Conway, accompanied by his Second in Command Mike Pence, and representing the American Patriots! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! DONALD J. TRUMP!

Again, the Trump Supporters let loose with thunderous roar that shakes the building. Trump nods and acknowledges the fans.

Johnny Suave: Donald Trump climbs into the ring. Can be make history of his own here tonight by becoming the next PCW CEO?

Colleen Crowder: NO! I mean, David Brooks from the New York Times is a conservative and even he doesn’t think Donald Trump should be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: David Brooks is conservative for the New York Times, yes.

The supporters “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” chant merges with the Imperial March and becomes:

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

Trump holds the ring ropes open for Kellyanne Conway to slip through. Pence, Priebus and Ryan join them.

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent.

Imperial March- off…

♫ What happened at the New Wil’ins? Bitch, I’m back, by popular demand ♫

…Beyonce’s ‘Formation’- on. The house lights cut out and then start flashing to the beat causing the Progressive Alliance fans to leap out of their seats.

Quick cut to the upper section where Amy Schumer and Chelsea Handler are dancing on their chairs, Miley Cyrus is on the table twerking, and Madonna…well, we don’t really want to know what she’s doing right now.

Kimber Marshall (loudly over the blaring music): Managed by Robby Mook and accompanied by her Second in Command Tim Kaine, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, and her husband…FORMER PCW CEO William Jefferson Clinton!

Beyonce comes out on stage lip-synching to her song. She and Jay-Z lead the parade to the ring. Next out, Mook, Wasserman-Shultz, and Bill Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: From Chappaqua, New York. Representing the Progressive Alliance!

Next out, Bill and Hillary’s daughter Chelsea Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: And vying to make history by becoming the first ever woman to become CEO of PCW!

Finally, Hillary Clinton walks out wearing a white pants suit.

Kimber Marshall: PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR…HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON!

The A-List celebrities in the top section of Hack’s stand up and shout. On the floor, the Progressive Alliance section is simply rocking. Hillary Clinton signs bobbing up and down, moving left to right as Beyonce continues to lip synch her song and dance down the aisle.

Reaching the ring, Hillary climbs up the steps first and ducks into the ring, followed by her husband and daughter.

Johnny Suave: Oh wow! Listen to that ovation for Hillary Clinton. Both sides are geared up for what promises to be an incredible match.

Colleen Crowder: Again Johnny. According to the New York Times calculations, it’s going to be an early night, it’s going to be a quick match, because Donald Trump has no chance to defeat Hillary Clinton.

Johnny Suave: Nate?

Nate Silver: The odds are definitely in Ms. Clinton’s favor but I won’t go that far to say that he has no chance.

Johnny Suave: Thanks for your insight. Nate Silver, everyone. Let’s take it back to the ring and the referee in charge of this match- Corrina Romanov.

The name Romanov causes Colleen to cock her head quizzically to the side.

Romanov enters the ring wearing the appropriate white and black striped referee’s shirt and black pants. A former wrestler of her own right, she gets a healthy round of applause from the patrons of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on…isn’t she like- Russian?

Romanov goes over to Trump and does the usual pre-match check.

Johnny Suave: She is. So what?

Then Romanov walks over to Clinton’s corner and does the same.

Colleen Crowder: Nothing. It’s just…strange…that PCW would assign a Russian referee for this match.

Johnny Suave: Nah, you’re overthinking this. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. We are just about ready to go.

Satisfied, Romanov turns to the bell table and calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: And here we go!

“I’M WITH HER! I’M WITH HER!…”

Johnny Suave: LISTEN TO THE DUELLING CHANTS!

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!…”

Johnny Suave: THE NOISE IS JUST DEAFENING IN HERE!

Both Trump and Clinton cautiously walk forward from their respective corners and circle each other in the middle of the ring.

Then out of nowhere, Clinton drives a knee to the balls. Trump crumples over. And the Progressive Alliance section goes nuts.

Johnny Suave: CLINTON DRAWS FIRST BLOOD!

Clinton whips Trump into her corner where he’s greeted with a few forearm shots from her husband Bill. He lays in more big forearms on Trump. Hillary follows up with some knife-edge chops. Trump then whips Clinton across the ring into the opposite corner.

Johnny Suave: Trump sends Clinton for the ride…

Trump sets up for a backdrop but Clinton flips over him and then delivers a punt kick to the jewels.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Dropping to his knees, Trump’s face scrunches in pain. Clinton moves behind him. Basement dropkick to the back sends Trump down face first to the mat. She rolls him over for a cover.

One.

Tw-

Johnny Suave: Easy kick out for Donald Trump.

Debbie Wasserman-Shultz shouts at the referee and then slams her hand down on the mat in the same rapid-fire fashion she’d done when Hillary defeated Bernie Sanders in Philadelphia.

Colleen Crowder: That was a slow count.

Johnny Suave: Any count is slow compared to what Wasserman-Shultz did to Sanders.

Trump fights back to his feet and tries to stop the momentum. But Clinton scratches his eyes and then hits a knee to the gut. Russian Leg Sweep follows and Trump is right back on the ground. Clinton again makes the cover but Trump out of nowhere pushes her off and then rolls her up.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP REVERSES. COVER!

The American Patriots rise up in anticipation.

One

Two.

Johnny Suave: NO! HILLARY GRABBED THE BOTTOM ROPE!

Romanov calls for a break. While she tries to get Hillary to let go of the bottom rope, Bill Clinton sneaks in and pokes Trump in the eye. He recoils back and covers his eye.

Johnny Suave: She’s not letting go of the rope. WHAT?

What? Suave does a doubletake when Captain America…yes…Captain America runs down and slides into the ring.

Johnny Suave: What the hell is this?

Colleen Crowder: It’s Captain America.

Johnny Suave: I know it’s Captain America. Why is Captain America in the ring?

Trump staggers back. Captain America takes his shield and then blasts him in the back of the head with it.

Johnny Suave: Oh…that’s why.

Captain America stares at the downed Trump, who’s holding his head from the shield shot. He then pulls off his mask.

Colleen Crowder: Hey! That’s Chris Evans from the Avengers movie!

Johnny Suave: Where is the referee?

Referee Corrina Romanov is in deep conversation with ABC’s Martha Raddatz at the edge of the ring.

Johnny Suave: MARTHA RADDATZ IS AT RINGSIDE? WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Suave sees Evans pick up the shield.

Johnny Suave: What is he doing?

Evans places the Captain America shield in Trump’s groin area. Then Iron Man jumps into the ring carrying a bowling ball bag.

Johnny Suave: WHAT IS IRON MAN DOING HERE?

Iron Man (okay… it’s really Robert Downey, Jr. playing Iron Man) takes the bowling ball bag, lifts it in the air, and slams it into the shield.

*CLANK*

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: Oooooooooohhhhh!

Trump rolls back and forth in excruciating pain.

Johnny Suave: KELLYANNE CONWAY IS ON THE RING APRON SCREAMING AT CORRINA ROMANOV!

Finally, Conway gets Romanov’s attention and the referee refocuses her attention back to the match and sees Evans and Downey in the ring. She immediately chases both Hollywood stars from the ring. Which, of course, allows Hillary to indulge in a little blatant choking while the referee continues to be distracted.

Colleen Crowder: I’ve changed my mind. I now believe that Hillary Clinton has a 90% chance of winning. She’s totally dominating him.

Clinton uses the boots to deliver a shot to the gut and another. Trump finally trips Clinton up and sends her to the mat.

Johnny Suave: Big boot by Trump knocks Clinton off her feet. But there’s a lot of worried faces at ringside.

Quick cut to the American Patriots section. Reince Priebus brings a hand to his chin. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell both watch the action with extremely concerned expressions on their face.

Back to the ring where Clinton has gone over and talks with Robby Mook.

Johnny Suave: Bad idea. She can’t give Trump time to recover like that.

Trump pulls himself back up again. He goes right over to Hillary and they trade forearm strikes. Trump whips her into the corner and then catches Clinton on the rebound with a Bulldog.

Clinton tries to whip Trump to her corner but Trump blocks, lifts Hillary up, bringing her legs off the ground, and falls backward to the mat sending her back-first to the mat.

Johnny Suave: SIDEWALK SLAM BY TRUMP. HE COVERS.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: WHAT THE HELL IS CNN’S ANDERSON COOPER DOING IN THE RING?

Just as Corrina Romanov starts to lower her hand down for three, Anderson Cooper bolts into the ring out of the blue and pushes Trump off of Clinton.

Johnny Suave: COOPER MAKES THE SAVE!

Colleen Crowder: Maybe we should reduce the chances of Hillary winning back to 85%.

While Hillary scoots back to her corner, Trump gets into Romanov’s face and argues about the count. He doesn’t see Bill Clinton sneaking up from behind. Bill tries to whip Trump into Hillary’s corner. Trump reverses and goes for a big boot to the face. But Bill ducks, boots Trump in the gut, and then hits a spinning neckbreaker.

Johnny Suave: Bill Clinton fires up the crowd and now he’s going for scoop slam!

Clinton goes to lift Trump up but he doesn’t see trouble brewing behind him. Two women from his past.

Johnny Suave: THAT’S KATHLEEN WILLEY AND PAULA JONES! TWO WOMEN WITH HUGE ISSUES WITH BOTH BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON!

Colleen Crowder: What are they doing in the ring?

At once, the crowd noise jumps dramatically which causes Bill to wonder what’s going on. Finally, his innate curiosity wins out so he turns around and gets an unpleasant surprise. His eyes widen and the crowd goes wild.

Johnny Suave: Nowhere to run! Nowhere to hide!

Colleen Crowder: That’s not fair! They’re interfering in the match!

Johnny Suave: Here we go!

Willey and Jones take Bill by each arm and fling him into the corner turnbuckle. Bill ‘stumbles’ and falls forward head first into the turnbuckle. He flips up and over the turnbuckle, tries to snag the top rope, misses, and tumbles down to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLIP!

On the floor, Bill then gets back on his feet…takes two steps…stops…and then flops face first back to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLOP!

Back in the ring, Hillary comes off the ropes and leaps onto Trump’s back.

Johnny Suave: SLEEPER HOLD!

Colleen Crowder: YES! COME ON HILLARY!

Trump spins to try and dislodge Hillary from his back. Unfortunately, he loses his balance and ends up on the mat. Hillary wastes no time in making the cover.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: Trump kicks out. He’s trying to regain his bearings and…why is the referee talking to the Clinton corner again?

This time, Romanov is having a heated conversation with Hillary’s manager Robby Mook and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. While they’re distracting the referee, Chelsea Clinton slides a steel chain over to her mother who quickly wraps it around Trump’s neck.

Johnny Suave: AND NOW SHE’S GOT THAT STEEL CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK!

Colleen Crowder: Sleeper hold.

Trump’s face turns bright red as the chain is wrapped tightly and cutting off his oxygen.

Johnny Suave: BULL-*BLEEP*! THAT’S A BLATANT CHOKE! SHE’S TRYING TO CHOKE DONALD TRUMP OUT!

While Trump desperately tries to loosen the chain around his neck, yet another person races down the aisle towards the ring.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE? THAT’S FOX NEWS’S CHRIS WALLACE!

Wallace jumps up on the ring apron, grabs Romanov, and spins her around. He points at Hillary who’s still trying strangle Trump with a steel chain.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing? Chris Wallace has no business butting his head into this match.

Johnny Suave: And CNN’s Anderson Cooper and ABC’s Martha Raddatz didn’t do the exact same thing?

Colleen Crowder: That’s different. Everyone knows Fox News is biased towards the American Patriots!

Romanov immediately acts. She pushes Clinton back, breaking the choke hold. Then Romanov literally rips the chain out of Hillary’s hands and tosses it out of the ring.

Colleen Crowder: The Russian referee is exerting too much influence on this match which means Vladimir Putin is trying to affect the results!

Johnny Suave: Um…Corrina Romanov just enforced the rules because, newsflash, even PCW has rules.

Colleen Crowder: But Vladimir Putin-

Johnny Suave: Is this another narrative or…

There’s a collective gasp inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen Crowder: What.

Colleen turns her attention back to the ring and immediately shoots up from her chair in full righteous indignation mode.

Colleen Crowder: THAT’S NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Johnny Suave: TESTICULAR CLAW! TRUMP IS USING THE TESTICULAR CLAW!

The reaction is instantaneous and the fun really begins. An enraged Colleen Crowder literally jumps up on the broadcast table and points at Trump.

Colleen Crowder: DISQUALIFY HIM! DISQUALIFY HIM!

The Clinton team are stunned. Without hesitation, they all charge the ring.

The Progressive Alliance are stunned. Disgusted. Repulsed. Suddenly, the likes of Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren, and Nancy Pelosi charge the ring.

The media are stunned. Revolted. Aggrieved. Don Lemon of CNN, the Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson and Dana Milbank, and the New York Times’s David Brooks and Paul Krugman pile into the ring.

Colleen Crowder: HE SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED!

Even some members of the American Patriots are stunned. Appalled. Queasy. John McCain, Lindsey Graham, former Jeb Bush, and Mitt Romney charge the ring and a huge scrum explodes.

Johnny Suave: IT’S HIT THE FAN NOW!

Trump finds himself swallowed up by a mass of humanity as members of each group literally throw each other out of the way to get to him.

Johnny Suave: This is just a mob scene!

Colleen Crowder: WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED HIM?

Johnny Suave (sarcastically): Maybe Vladimir Putin told her not to.

Colleen Crowder: SEE! I TOLD YOU!

Johnny Suave: Trump is getting no help from the American Patriots either!

Cut to Paul Ryan. He’s whistling while he ever so subtly tries to inch away from the ring, hoping that no one can see him subtly trying to inch away from the ring. Mitch McConnell? He’s gone from ringside and nowhere to be found.

The rest of the establishment? Sitting in their seats reading the Wall Street Journal or on their phones making plans for their golf getaway.

♫ Do you hear the people sing, singing a song of angry men…♫

Quick cut to the Les Miserables section. What had been a full section of people is now half empty.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE!

‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan, ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay, and Charlie Blackwell stream to the ring followed by forty other people sitting in their section.

Johnny Suave: It’s the LES MISERABLES!

Colleen Crowder: I’m confused Are they coming to help Clinton?

Bryan hops up on the ring apron. He drapes Dana Milbank’s neck over the top rope and drops to the floor causing the Washington Post columnist to whiplash off the ropes and onto his back.

Johnny Suave: BRYAN TOSSES MILBANK OUT!

Bert the Janitor tosses McAvay a Big Bertha Driver.

Johnny Suave: MCAVAY HAS THE BIG BERTHA!

*THWACK*

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES CHUCK SCHUMER!

*THWACK^

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES LINDSEY GRAHAM!

Mitt Romney sees McAvay using the driver to pole axe his way through the crowd. He wisely uses discretion and decides to slip out of the ring.

Johnny Suave: AND HERE COMES CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

Blackwell jumps into the ring wielding a steel folding chair. and starts taking people out left and right.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: BLACKWELL NAILS PAUL KRUGMAN WITH THE CHAIR!

Blackwell turns and swings the chair again.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: CNN’s DON LEMON GOES DOWN!

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: HE GOT JEB BUSH TOO!

Colleen Crowder: WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Johnny Suave: THEY’RE CLEANING HOUSE!

The rest of the Les Miserables climb through the ropes and suddenly there’s a lot of people in close quarters.

Colleen Crowder: DEPLORABLE!

The American Patriots, Progressive Alliance, and media contingent still in the ring decide to hastily exit stage right leaving just Trump, Hillary, McAvay, Blackwell, Bryan, and the forty-odd Les Miserables inside.

Colleen Crowder: THESE PEOPLE ARE DEPLORABLE! WHAT ARE ALL THESE DEPLORABLE PEOPLE DOING IN THE RING?

Johnny Suave: Actually, they’re Les Miserables.

Colleen Crowder: AND WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED TRUMP FOR THIS BLATANT OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE? THERE IS NO WAY THIS MATCH-

Blackwell and McAvay re-station themselves outside the ring and the Les Miserables surrounding the squared circle. The ring steadily clears and when it does, leaving just Trump and Hillary inside, there’s an unpleasant realization for one side.

Johnny Suave: FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK!

Crowder pulls at her hair.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOOOO!

In the midst of the chaos caused when the Les Miserables invaded the ring, Trump took one of Hillary’s legs, turned it 90 degrees, grabbed her other leg and crossed it with the other. Then he put one foot in between, the other on the other leg, and bridged over to lock in the figure-four.

To make matters worse, Trump had her smack dab in the middle of the ring- a long, long way from help.

Johnny Suave: HOW ARE HER CHANCES LOOKING NOW?

Colleen remains defiant.

Colleen Crowder: Sixty-five percent, Johnny. I’m still quite confident Hillary will win if the Russian referee would actually DO HER JOB!

The Progressive Alliance contingent charge forward but the Les Miserables protecting the ring stop them in their tracks.

Colleen Crowder: Okay…maybe fifty-five percent- COME ON!

Clinton closes her eyes and sits up. She takes a couple swipes at Trump and then falls backwards.

Johnny Suave: Is Hillary going to tap out?

Colleen Crowder: NEVER!

Hillary reaches for the ropes but she’s too far away.

Johnny Suave: What do you say now?

Colleen Crowder: Fifty-fifty.

As the pain registers all over Clinton’s face, for the first time a realization comes over the folks sitting in the Progressive Alliance section that she could lose this.

Johnny Suave: Are you sure about that?

Colleen Crowder: (whispers incoherently)

Johnny Suave: Didn’t hear you.

Colleen Crowder: I SAID SIXTY PERCENT FOR TRUMP! JESUS, HE COULD WIN THIS THING!

The camera pans through the Progressive Alliance section of the bar. Jaws dropped. Shocked expressions. Hands on cheeks.

Johnny Suave: Do I hear seventy percent…seventy-five percent? Going once. Going twice. Going-

Colleen Crowder: SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT FOR TRUMP. (shouts to no one in particular) COME ON! ANYONE? DO SOMETHING?

Over the loudspeaker, the opening notes to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop” began to play.

Johnny Suave: Wait a minute! I know that song.

A man dressed in a flannel shirt, holding a mocha in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other, steps out of the shadows on the second level of the bar.

Johnny Suave: And I know that guy! HE’S BACK!

The crowd merrily sings along to the Fleetwood Mac song as the man dressed in flannel started towards the stage.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on. Is that who I think it is?

Johnny Suave: It is.

As the sing along continues, the man holds up his mocha, contained inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable cup of course, and chugs it down.

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN,’ TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN,’ INSANE SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND EXTREME ENVIRONMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!

Colleen Crowder: YES!

Gore crushes the paper cup on his forehead in an alpha manly fashion. Gore then spews the mocha out of his mouth like a geyser going off and sprays several tables in close proximity.

Colleen Crowder: Look at the expression on the Trump Team’s faces!

The camera cuts over to Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence. They’re not paying any attention.

Johnny Suave: Um…they’re not paying attention.

Colleen Crowder: Well…THEY SHOULD BE!

Gore moves up to the steps leading down and turns around to face the Progressive Alliance section. He pulls out another cup of mocha and holds it high in the air. Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead, and spits the mocha onto several tables.

Colleen Crowder: …if he ever gets to the ring.

Back in the ring, Referee Corrina Romanov maneuvers around, watching for any sign of a tap out. Mook, Kaine, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Wasserman-Shultz, blocked from the ring by the Les Miserables watch helplessly. Hillary falls back again and her strength wanes.

Johnny Suave: Trump is THIS close to winning!

Colleen Crowder: Son of a bitch. Ninety percent chance for Trump to win.

Colleen shouts up at Gore.

Colleen Crowder: HURRY UP!

Gore makes it downstairs. He stops and pulls out another cup of mocha.

Colleen Crowder: SON OF A BITCH! AL, WOULD YOU GET TO THE RING ALREADY?

Johnny Suave: HILLARY’S RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead…

Colleen Crowder (lamenting): He’s not going to get to the ring in time, is he?

Johnny Suave: Nope.

…and spits the mocha towards the ring just as Hillary slaps her hand on the mat.

Johnny Suave: SHE TAPPED OUT! THAT’S IT!

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOO!

Romanov calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP WINS! TRUMP WINS!

Colleen Crowder: Oh…my…God.

Johnny Suave: The next CEO of PCW is Donald J. Trump!

The camera cuts to outside the ring. Now that Trump’s won and it’s ‘safe,’ Paul Ryan is slowly edging his way back towards the action.

Johnny Suave: And the conservative chickens have come home to roost!

Mitch McConnell races by Ryan, actually he knocks Ryan out of his way, cheering and pumping his fist in the air. However, others sitting with the rest of the American Patriot supporters aren’t so sure about what just took place.

The Les Miserables at ringside have no inhibition about celebrating. Blackwell, Bryan, and McAvay find themselves in the midst of a big time party.

Panning back to the Progressive Alliance section- soul-crushing sadness among Hillary’s supporters is the prevalent feeling.

The majority of the people on hand begin to sing: “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” and wave goodbye to the Hollywood celebs who said they would leave the country if Trump won.

Johnny Suave: After everything that’s happened over the past few months and with the entire Washington D.C. beltway establishment lined up against him- the Republican establishment, the Democrat establishment, the militantly left wing Democrats- who seem to have all gathered in California, and the mainstream media, when the chips were down Donald Trump came through on PCW’s biggest stage.

Colleen Crowder: I think I’m going to be sick.

Johnny Suave: Is that the narrative or an actual story?

Colleen Crowder: Shut up!

Johnny Suave: Let’s go up to Kimber Marshall in the ring for the official announcement.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at twenty four minutes, forty-three seconds…and the NEW CEO of POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!

In his corner, Trump raises his arms in the air. Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence shake hands and exchange celebratory hugs.

Kimber Marshall: DONALD J. TRUMP-

No sooner than Marshall finished saying Trump, a woman in purple dress jumps into the ring and knocks down the PCW ring announcer. She grabs the microphone from Marshall. Her face beet red, clearly infuriated at the result, she points down at Kimber on the deck.

Woman in Ring: YOU SOLD OUT POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!

Kimber just gives her a ‘WTF’ glance. The woman then turns to the American Patriots at ringside and delivers more of her venom.

Woman in Ring: YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE IN POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!

She points at Trump.

Woman in Ring: THIS IS MY PCW!

She points at herself and screeches.

Woman in Ring: DO YOU HEAR ME? THIS IS MY PCW!

Then she throws herself on the mat and begins to kick her feet and flail her arms wildly.

Johnny Suave: Great. Is she going to hold her breath next?

Then she holds her breath as she kicks and flails away. Her face quickly turns red.

Johnny Suave: Really? Hopefully we can get security out here to restore some order.

PCW Security comes to the ring to escort the woman out. But before she can be taken away, another commotion flares out inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Johnny Suave: HERE COMES HOLLYWOOD OSCAR WINNING SCREENWRITER AARON SORKIN AND HE LOOKS PISSED!

Aaron Sorkin: WAIT A MINUTE! HOLD ON, ONE SECOND!

Sorkin, noted liberal activist, flies down to ringside and grabs a microphone from a ringside technician.

Aaron Sorkin: I wrote this letter to my daughter.

Sorkin pulls out a sheet of paper and begins to read.

Aaron Sorkin: I’m not going to sugarcoat this- this is truly horrible…

Progressive Alliance fans agree with Sorkin’s sentiment. Supporters of the American Patriots? Not so much.

Aaron Sorkin: …it’s hardly the first time my candidate didn’t win…in fact it’s the sixth time…but it is the first time that a thoroughly incompetent pig with dangerous ideas, a serious psychiatric disorder, no knowledge of the world and no curiosity to learn has.

Again, the agreement to Mr. Sorkin’s views are sharply split according to one’s political preference.

Aaron Sorkin: And it wasn’t just Donald Trump who won tonight—it was his supporters too. The Klan won last night. White nationalists. Sexists, racists and buffoons.

This gets the attention of Blackwell, McAvay, and Bryan. All three turn and wonder if Sorkin is really talking about them.

He is.

Aaron Sorkin: That’s right. Angry young white men who think rap music and Cinco de Mayo are a threat to their way of life or are the reason for their way of life have been given cause to celebrate. Men who have no right to call themselves that and who think that women who aspire to more than looking hot are shrill, ugly, and otherwise worthy of our scorn rather than our admiration struck a blow for misogynistic shitheads everywhere…

Johnny Suave: Really? He’s slagging not just the Les Miserables but an entire class of people simply because they didn’t support his candidate AND couching it as a ‘heartfelt letter’ to his daughter? You’ve got to be kidding me!

Colleen Crowder: He’s speaking to truth, Johnny. Everything he’s saying is true.

Aaron Sorkin: …hate was given hope. Abject dumbness was glamorized as being “the fresh voice of an outsider” who’s going to shake things-

**Def Leppard’s ‘Tear It Down’ begins to play**

Hack’s explodes. Sorkin stops and watches as the Extreme Equalizer bolts down the aisle towards ringside.

Johnny Suave: WE’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHAT THE EXTREME EQUALIZER THINKS ABOUT ALL THIS. IT’S WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way Tear it down – I can’t wait another day Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way Tear it down – If only you could stay All night long

Colleen Crowder: Don’t do it!

Sorkin defiantly stands his ground and doesn’t attempt to escape. The Extreme Equalizer launches himself at him with his right arm outstretched.

Johnny Suave: CLOTHESLINE AND DOWN GOES SORKIN!

McAvay and Bryan set up a table. WTF then pulls Sorkin up and drags him over.

Colleen Crowder: DON’T DO IT!

Lifted in the air by the throat, Sorkin is then driven through the table by Whiskey Tango Foxtrot with such force that the table snaps in two cleanly upon impact.

A crowd chant erupts: “PCW! PCW! PCW!”

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! THE EXTREME EQUALIZER JUST CHOKESLAMMED AARON SORKIN THROUGH THE TABLE!

WTF admires his handiwork until more people come flying out from the back.

*“WITH TALENT ON LOAN FROM GOD!”*

Over half of the crowd immediately boos as ‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ Rush Limbaugh smugly appears. Limbaugh’s ‘Dittoheads’ stand up and cheer when Limbaugh walks towards ringside and openly laughs at Sorkin- who’s lying in the ruins of a table.

Johnny Suave: Well, here we go. You know Limbaugh is eating up everything that’s gone down here tonight.

Crowd chant: “OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)…”

Rush Limbaugh: “That’s right. It is I…”

Crowd: “WHO?”

Rush Limbaugh: “…El Rushbo…”

Crowd: “WHO?”

Rush Limbaugh: “…The Maharushbie…”

Crowd: “WHO?”

Rush Limbaugh: “…With talent on loan from-”

Crowd: “ROB!”

Limbaugh pauses.

Rush Limbaugh: “No.”

Crowd: “BOB!”

Rush Limbaugh: “No!”

Crowd: “MOM!”

Rush Limbaugh: SHUT UP! IT’S GOD YOU IDIOTS…GOD, GOD, GOD! *clears throat* Now, as I was saying in a manner that only I, with my years of broadcast excellence, can say. It’s clear here that the Progressive Alliance and the drive by media are going to do everything possible to delegitimize Donald Trump’s win here tonight. The liberals will fight tooth and nail against Trump because their candidate didn’t win.

Suddenly, the video screen fires up and we take a trip back in time to 2009, one week after PCW CEO Barack Obama was sworn in…

(FILM CLIP- PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- January 27th, 2009) *“WITH TALENT ON LOAN FROM GOD!”*

The crowd immediately boos as ‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ Rush Limbaugh and the “Queen of Political Extreme” Ann Coulter appear in the spotlight and both begin to walk towards the ring.

Suave: Well, this is not a surprise. Limbaugh has been sparring publicly with the new PCW CEO Barack Obama in the news the last week. And I know Ann Coulter is never for a loss of words.

Crowd: “OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)…

Limbaugh joins Suave in the ring…

Suave: What can I do for you, Mr. Limbaugh?

Rush: We’re both here tonight to say…we told you so. That’s right. It’s taken less than a week for the new PCW CEO Barack Hussein Obama to show his true colors. I don’t care what anybody else thinks. I…WANT…OBAMA…TO…FAIL. Period. I hope he fails.

Suave: Welllllllllll?

Limbaugh smiles ackwardly and tries to back up.

Rush Limbaugh: Now hold on here, that was different…um…I- *ack*

Limbaugh suddenly finds himself in the clutches of one Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Hand on his throat, WTF lifts him into the air and then slams him to the floor.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! HE JUST CHOKESLAMMED RUSH LIMBAUGH!

The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon fans react with another loud chant in unison: “PCW! PCW! PCW!”

Johnny Suave: What goes around, comes around.

Colleen Crowder: I’d say he definitely deserved that.

Another roar from the crowd. Yet again, another run-in.

Johnny Suave: Now what?

Suave searches and sees the bespectacled man headed towards the ring and realizes who he is.

Johnny Suave: Awww. Not him.

‘Him’ is former MSNBC and Current TV commentator and current host of GQ’s political webshow ‘The Resistance with Keith Olbermann’- Keith Olbermann. And Keith has a megaphone. He runs up to where Limbaugh is splayed out on the floor and points the megaphone down at him.

Keith Olbermann: I WILL LEAD THE RESISTANCE! I AM THE RESISTANCE… I AM *ack*

WTF rolls his eyes and in one swift movement grabs Olbermann by the throat…lifts him up and chokeslams to the floor right next to Limbaugh.

Colleen Crowder: WHAT IS HE DOING?

The “PCW! PCW! PCW!” chant now echoes all over the bar.

***

Cut back to Johnny Suave live at the broadcast table…

Johnny Suave: And with that, Donald Trump became the CEO of PCW for the next four years.

“How Dare You” with 9-year-old Eva McAvay The camera zooms in on a miniature wrestling ring set up in the center of the PCW studio. A small figure stands in the middle, her blonde pigtails bouncing as she adjusts the microphone in her hand. It’s Eva McAvay, Dawn McGill’s 9-year-old daughter, her face set in a determined scowl that seems out of place on her cherubic features.

Eva McAvay: How dare you?

Eva’s voice booms through the arena, her tiny frame shaking with passion. She points her finger dramatically at the camera and startles even Johnny Suave, who takes a step back from the tiny titan.

Eva McAvay: Tearing your family apart because of some stupid political beliefs? That’s not what Thanksgiving and Christmas are about!

She slams her fist into her other hand.

Eva McAvay: It’s about love and togetherness, people! Can’t you see that? Jeez, just grow the *BLEEP* up-

Her eyes blaze with righteous anger. But before she can continue, Dawn McGill’s voice cuts in sharply.

Dawn McGill (offscreen): EVA!

With a sheepish glance at her mother, Eva lowers her head.

Eva McAvay: Sorry, Mom.

Cut back to Johnny Suave…

Johnny Suave: All right. Hopefully, everyone had a very Happy Thanksgiving. Next up… we’re going to replay the 2020 CEO of PCW match featuring Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Let’s run the tape now.

***

The 2020 Battle for PCW CEO-: ‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott w/PCW CEO Donald Trump, Aide de Camp Mike Pence (American Patriots) vs. ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels w/PCW CEO candidate Joe Biden, Aide de Camp candidate Kamala Harris (Progressive Alliance) Kimber Marshall stands in the middle of the ring.

Kimber Marshall: “Ladies and gentlemen, this match will be…”

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: “And it will be for the PCW Title! Introducing first…

*”Glory Days”-Bruce Springsteen*

Johnny Suave: “Ah. Bruce Springsteen. Another one of the many celebs who’ve promised to move out of the US if Trump wins.”

Colleen Crowder: “Don’t you bad mouth ‘The Boss.’ Springsteen speaks the truth.”

Joe Biden comes out with his wife Dr. Jill Biden (and don’t you forget the ‘Dr.’ part). Behind him is his choice for Aide de Camp Kamala Harris.

Then Marshall announces the Progressive Alliance wrestler taking part in the match.

‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels HT: 6′ 0″ WT: 200 / HOME: Hollywood, CA FIN: The True Hollywood Blockbuster

Daniels comes out and shakes hands with both Bidens and Kamala Harris.

Kimber Marshall: “And their opponent…

*”Imperial March”- Star Wars*

The supporters “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” chant merges with the melody of the Imperial March and becomes:

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

Dressed in all black complete with a flowing black cape, Donald Trump and his spokesperson Kayleigh McEnaney walk out on stage to a big ovation from the American Patriots.

Kimber Marshall: Residing in the Trump Tower in the great city of New York, New York! He promises to…

The Trump supporters shout out: “MAKE PCW GREAT AGAIN!”

Kimber Marshall: Accompanied by his Aide de Camp Mike Pence and representing the American Patriots! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE CURRENT CEO OF PCW- DONALD J. TRUMP!

Again, the Trump supporters let loose with thunderous roar that shakes the building. Trump nods and acknowledges the fans.

Johnny Suave: “Here he is. The current CEO of PCW. Donald Trump.”

Colleen Crowder: “Ugh. And he’s being led to the ring by… her.”

Johnny Suave: “You’re just saying that because Kayleigh McEnaney won’t play the ‘game’ the way you want her to play.”

McEnaney leads the way as Trump, black robe ruffling behind him as he strides, makes his way down the steps from the stage toward the ring followed by Mike Pence and Pence’s wife Karen.

Marshall then announces the American Patriots’s wrestler.

‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 250, HOME: Ottumwa, IA FIN: American Stars and Fujiawa Arm Bar

Scott walks out on stage and shakes hands with Trump, Pence, Mrs. Pence. Then the entourage heads towards the ring.

Johnny Suave: “So here we are. This is for the PCW title and then we will find out who will be the PCW CEO for the next four years.”

Colleen Crowder: “We already know the answer. It’s going to be Joe Biden.”

Biden shouts encouragement to Kevin Daniels- but he’s facing the wrong way. Harris subtly turns him around towards the ring.

Before the match starts, Suave and Crowder are joined by special guests- the CEOs of Twitter and Facebook Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg.

The bell sounds and the match begins.

Scott rushes forward. Daniels side-steps him. The two men circle. Scott aggressively comes forward. Daniels plays defense and makes him chase. Daniels connects with a spin kick that gives Scott some pause. Quick lock up – Scott takes a headlock – Daniels slips out. Scott fires off right and left hands. He follows with a standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg – one – two – Daniels kicks out and calls a ‘time-out.’ He rolls outside the ring and confers with Biden and Harris.

Johnny Suave: “Kevin Scott off to a fast start here causing Mr. Hollywood to bail out of the ring.”

Jack Dorsey: “Actually Johnny, before you share this content, you might want to know that fact-checking sites, Snope.com, and other media sources have disputed the accuracy of it.”

Colleen Crowder: “Yeah! Kevin Daniels is probably just getting warmed up and wanted to talk strategy with Joe Biden.”

Once back in, Daniels and Scott tie up – Scott gains control. He wrenches, hammerlocks, and throws forearms into Daniels’s back. Headlock by Scott and hits the takeover. Scott tries to grind Daniels down. Daniels fights up and around but Scott wrenches the arm again. Scott takes a wristlock. Daniels throws a couple body shots. Surprise roll into a REAR NAKED CHOKE! Scott elbows out. Daniels with a drop toehold and gets the legs to hook them. One – Scott powers out. Scott goes for a rear bear hug – Daniels fights his way out with elbows. Daniels backdrops Scott to the mat. Scott up – Daniels legsweeps him back down. Cover. One – two – no. Scott powers out.

Johnny Suave: “Better from Kevin Daniels there. He seems to be coming into the match.”

Colleen Crowder: “Johnny, I don’t know what match you’ve been watching but it’s clear Daniels is totally dominating the match.”

Johnny Suave: “That’s debatable.”

Mark Zuckerberg: “Actually Johnny, we’ll allow it. It’s a factual statement.”

Johnny Suave: “Of course you will.”

Scott nails Daniels with a kick to the jaw. Cover. One – two – 2.5 – Daniels just kicks out before the three count. Scott boots Daniels in the gut. Daniels drops to a knee – Scott drags him right back up. He goes to whip Daniels – Daniels reverses and knees Scott low and hard! Daniels hits the ropes and Scott ducks under. Another boot to the gut and a Sling Blade takes Daniels down. Cover. One – Two – NO! Daniels just gets the shoulder up.

Johnny Suave: “Another close pinfall for Kevin Scott. He is really doing well here tonight.”

Jack Dorsey: “Again Johnny, before you share something like that, you should know that independent fact checkers dispute its accuracy.”

Johnny Suave: “It’s an opinion Jack that I’m entitled to based on what I’ve witnessed here during the match.”

Mark Zuckerberg: “Once again, what you said is disputed by third party fact checkers.”

Johnny Suave: “*BLEEP* your third-party fact checkers.”

Daniels grows a little frustrated. He goes to the referee and starts to berate him. This allows Kamala Harris to sneak into the ring with a steel-folding chair. She raises it up – Mike Pence runs in- followed by his wife Karen (Pence never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side). Mike grabs the chair and stops Harris – the chair falls and accidently lands on Harris’s foot.

Colleen Crowder: “MIKE PENCE DID THAT ON PURPOSE!”

Johnny Suave: “Harris was going to hit ‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott with that chair.”

Jack Dorsey: “Er. Independent fact-checkers say that statement contains false information-“

Suave turns off Zuckerberg and Dorsey’s microphone.

Crowder goes ballistic and demands Suave turn their microphones back on.

Johnny Suave: “I guess it really does suck when you get censored, huh.”

Pence apologizes to Harris for the incident.

Harris kicks him in the groin.

Johnny Suave: “Ooooh. Apology not accepted. And Kamala Harris did that on purpose.”

Colleen Crowder: “She did not! She……….um, slipped.”

Karen Pence then tackles Harris in the ring and both women roll around on the mat.

Johnny Suave: “CAT-FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! CAT-FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!”

Colleen Crowder: “Okay. That was totally offensive, Johnny.”

Meanwhile, Daniels runs the ropes – Scott ducks a clothesline and waits for him to come back to clock Daniels with a right hand. Scott blocks a suplex attempt using the power of gravity. Daniels walks into a body slam. Scott covers. One – two – 2.999! Daniels just gets a shoulder off the mat. Scott CLOBBERS Daniels with a right hand. Cover. One – two – THR-THE REFEREE GETS PULLED OUT OF THE RING!

Johnny Suave: “WHAT THE HELL?”

All three members of the Guild of Low Level Media People Trying to Make a Name for Themselves Colleen Crowder- New York Times, Sharon Johns- CNN, and Dan Miller- Washington Post yank the referee out of the ring.

All hell breaks loose. The media climb into the ring while another referee appears and rolls in under the ropes.

Scott’s trying to figure out what’s going on. Daniels just gets back to his feet and even he’s wondering what’s happening.

The referee calls for the bell. He goes to ring announcer Kimber Marshall and tells her what his decision is.

Marshall climbs into the ring and makes the announcement.

WINNER AND NEW PCW MEN’S CHAMPION: ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance) @ 10:48

Johnny Suave: “WHAT?”

A huge celebration erupts in the ring as Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs, Pennsylvania State Attorney General Josh Shapiro, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson, and former Georgia Gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams join Daniels, the Bidens, Harris, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and the Guild of Low Level Media People Trying to Make a Name for Themselves (Crowder-NY Times, Johns-CNN, and Miller-Washington Post).

Outside the ring and around the bar- not so much. The PCW fans are shocked. Kevin Scott is stunned at the decision. Trump is furious and tries to corral the referee but the ref is in the middle of the Progressive Alliance party going on in the ring.

Johnny Suave: “Kevin Daniels has been named the new PCW champion even though he did not pin ‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott.”

If the PCW fans didn’t like the Daniels decision, they definitely didn’t like what happened next…

THE DECISION. TRUMP OR BIDEN? The Coke Brothers (Charles and David), George Moros, Lincoln Project Executive Director Sarah Lenti slowly make their way down to the ring.

Johnny Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Johnny Suave: “The fans have already connected the dots on this one. Dawn McGill- missing. The DC Establishment is here.”

The Cokes, Moros, and Lenti have to duck and dodge debris.

Biden stands in front of the big group that’s gathered inside the ring for the announcement. Donald Trump stands on the outside.

The four climb into the ring. Moros has a microphone and he doesn’t waste any time.

George Moros: “Joe Biden-“

The Progressive Alliance explode with joy inside the ring.

Johnny Suave: “THAT’S IT! JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN SELECTED TO BECOME THE NEW CEO OF POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Biden looks towards Trump for the traditional post-match handshake- but Trump has already left ringside and headed towards the back.

Johnny Suave: “NO HANDSHAKE. TRUMP’S GOING TO THE BACK.”

***

Cut back to Johnny Suave live at the broadcast desk…

Johnny Suave: So, thus began Joe Biden’s four year run as CEO of PCW. Now… Eva McAvay is back with more. Let’s hear what she has to say.

“How Dare You!” with 9-year-old Eva McAvay Eva’s eyes narrow as she launches into her tirade.

Eva McAvay: How dare you… Washington fat cats think you can push us around? Well, not on my watch!”

She paces back and forth, her sneakers squeaking with each step.

Eva McAvay: You locked up patriots for J6 like they were hardened criminals! Misdemeanors became life sentences faster than The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior can say ‘check your privilege’!

Eva’s voice cracks with emotion, her little fists clenching.

She takes a deep breath, her chest heaving with righteous indignation.

Eva McAvay: And don’t get me started on how you used COVID to stomp all over our rights! You forced medicine down our throats like we’re your personal lab rats!

Eva’s face turns red as she builds to her climax.

Eva McAvay: The Department of Justice? More like the Department of Just-Us, am I right?

She pauses, waiting for a reaction, but the stunned silence only fuels her further.

Eva takes another deep breath, her tiny frame shaking with emotion.

Eva McAvay: You think you can take our guns? Well, the ATF can pry them from my cold, dead Barbie hands!

She stomps her foot, the impact echoing through the studio.

Eva McAvay: And don’t even get me started on the border! You’ve turned our great nation into a turnstile for criminals and drug dealers!

Eva’s voice rises to a fever pitch as she delivers her final blows.

Eva McAvay: You’ve bankrupted our country with your handouts and destroyed our energy sector for your tree-hugging fantasies! HOW…DARE… YOU!

Cut back to Johnny Suave…

Johnny Suave: Little Eva McAvay is on fire tonight.

***

Update on the California Vote Counting The studio lights flicker as Johnny Suave clears his throat, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Johnny Suave: And now, folks, we have a special treat for you. Let’s check in on the hardworking vote counters in California, still at it nearly a month after the election.

The screen behind him flickers to life, revealing a dimly lit room. A solitary sloth hangs from a chair, its claws moving in slow motion towards a stack of ballots. The creature blinks languidly, taking an eternity to pick up a single piece of paper.

Johnny Suave: Ahhh. That explains it.

***

The Legacy Media Strikes Back The ring is awash in a sea of microphones and notepads, as four figures stand poised like prizefighters ready for battle. But these aren’t your typical wrestlers – they’re the Guild of Low-Level Media People Trying to Make a Name for Themselves.

Colleen Crowder adjusts her stylish glasses, her auburn hair glinting under the harsh lights, and her voice brimming with the smooth confidence of a seasoned, low-level New York Times reporter with higher aspirations.

Colleen Crowder: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here to address a grave threat to our profession and our relevancy. Joe Rogan is single-handedly dismantling the legacy media!

Sharon Johns- a low-level Washington Post reporter trying to make a name for herself- nods vigorously, her ponytail bouncing with each movement.

Sharon Johns: That’s right, Colleen. We can’t let some podcast jockey with a penchant for DMT take our place!”

Johnny Suave comments from the broadcast table.

Johnny Suave: Oh boy, folks! Looks like we’ve got a real media showdown brewing!

Colleen’s green eyes narrow as she scans the crowd.

Colleen Crowder: You people need to understand the gravity of the situation. We’re the gatekeepers of truth, damn it! But fear not, for we have a champion in our corner. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the co-founder and CEO of Axios, Jim Vandehei!

As Vandehei strides toward the ring, Johnny Suave can’t help but make a quip.

Johnny Suave: Well, well! If it isn’t the man who turned long-form journalism into bite-sized chunks!

Vandehei grabs a microphone, his face flushed with emotion.

Jim Vandehei: I hate this damn debate about not needing the media. It’s bull*BLEEP*!

Vandehei barrels on.

Jim Vandehei: It’s about sitting in a war zone, telling people what’s actually happening, not just looking at distortion. That matters, damn it!

Vandehei’s eyes blaze with intensity as he continues his impassioned speech.

Jim Vandehei: It matters profoundly! We don’t love getting up at 3:00, 4:00 in the morning every single day for kicks. We do it because it matters!

Johnny Suave chuckles.

Johnny Suave: Sounds like someone needs to invest in a good alarm clock.

Vandehei plows on, his voice rising.

Jim Vandehei: Everything we do is under fire. Elon Musk sits on Twitter – or X, whatever – every day saying, ‘We are the media, you are the media.’ Well, my message to Elon Musk is: Bull*BLEEP*!

The crowd collectively gasps at the expletive, some cheering, others booing.

Jim Vandehei: You’re not the media!

Vandehei gesticulates wildly.

Jim Vandehei: Having a blue check mark, a Twitter handle, and 300 words of cleverness doesn’t make you a reporter!

Vandehei, now red-faced and sweating, barrels on.

Jim Vandehei: It’s no more legitimate than me looking at your head, seeing you have a brain, and declaring myself a damn neurosurgeon!

Vandehei’s face is beet red, veins bulging in his neck as he paces the ring like a caged animal. He grips the microphone so tightly his knuckles are white.

Jim Vandehei: Being a reporter’s hard. Really hard. You have to care.

Johnny Suave: Unlike caring about your blood pressure, apparently.

Jim Vandehei: You have to do the hard work. You have to get up every single day and say I want to get to the closest approximation of the truth without any fear, without any favoritism.

As Vandehei rants, Suave thinks to himself, “This guy’s about two seconds away from spontaneously combusting. I wonder if PCW’s insurance covers ‘death by righteous indignation’?”

Vandehei’s pacing intensifies, his gestures becoming more wild with each word.

Jim Vandehei: You don’t do that by popping off on Twitter. You don’t do that by having an opinion. You do it by doing the hard work.

Johnny Suave: But yet, that’s what many in the legacy media did. And that’s why their reputations and the public’s perception of the legacy media is so bad. Speaking of new media… Eva McAvay is back again with another edition of “How Dare You?”

Jim Vandehei: Hey-

PCW cuts away to the cute 9-year-old girl.

***

“How Dare You?” with 9-year-old Eva McAvay Eva’s eyes narrow, her gaze fixating on an imaginary Kamala Harris.

Eva McAvay: And how dare you, Ms. Vice President. How dare you spend a billion dollars on your campaign and still end up owing twenty million? That’s like buying a Happy Meal and somehow owing McDonald’s your college fund!

The studio audience gasps, a mix of shock and awe rippling through the crowd.

Eva McAvay: If you can’t even balance your campaign checkbook, how in the world do you expect to handle our national piggy bank?

Eva’s tiny fists clench at her sides.

Eva McAvay: You’d probably try to pay off the national debt with Monopoly money!

Eva takes a dramatic pause, her chest heaving with righteous indignation.

Eva McAvay: How. Dare. You!

Each word is punctuated with a stomp of her light-up sneakers.

Suddenly, a tall figure emerges from the shadows of the studio.

Familiar Voice: Hey there, little warrior.

Eva whirls around, her eyes widening in recognition.

Eva McAvay: Y-you’re Elon Musk!

Elon nods, a bemused smile playing on his lips.

Elon Musk: That’s right. And I wanted to tell you, it’s going to be okay.

Eva’s jaw drops.

Elon Musk: We’re going to try and fix it.

Eva McAvay: I… I…

Her eyes roll back in her head and she crumples to the floor in a dead faint.

*THUNK*

Dawn rushes out.

Dawn McGill: Eva?

Elon Musk: It’s okay. It happens all the time.

Johnny Suave: Well, that’s one way to end a segment. Thank you Eva. Let’s go to our final match tonight… this year’s PCW CEO Match between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris.

***

MAIN EVENT-2024 PCW CEO MATCH: Donald Trump w/J.D. Vance (American Patriots) vs. Kamala Harris w/Tim Walz (Progressive Alliance) Suddenly, the familiar brassy strains of the Imperial March fill the air, melding into a thunderous chant that shakes the very foundations of the arena.

TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!

The crowd’s fervor reaches a fever pitch as Donald Trump emerges, bathed in a sea of red light. Kid Rock’s “American Rock and Roll” blasts through the speakers, and Trump raises his arms triumphantly, soaking in the adulation.

Suave’s voice rises above the din.

Johnny Suave: There he is! The man who promises to make PCW great again!

Crowder interjects, her tone skeptical.

Colleen Crowder: Or plunge it into chaos, depending on your perspective.

Trump struts down the ramp, his signature red tie flapping as he gestures to the crowd. J.D. Vance appears at his side, pumping his fist in solidarity.

As they near the ring, the music fades, replaced by Beyoncé’s “Freedom.” The crowd’s reaction splits, boos and cheers mingling in a cacophony of political division.

Oprah Winfrey steps out on stage… her voice booms through the arena.

Oprah Winfrey: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… KAMALA HAR-RIS!

Harris emerges with Tim Walz, her stride purposeful, her eyes locked on the ring where Trump awaits. As she rolls under the bottom rope, their gazes meet, the air between them crackling with tension.

Johnny Suave: This is it, folks. The future of PCW – and perhaps America itself – will be decided tonight in this very ring.

Crowder nods gravely.

Colleen Crowder: Two ideologies, two visions for the future, about to collide in spectacular fashion. Let’s just hope the right vision prevails tonight.

As Harris and Trump circle each other, the crowd’s chants grow louder, a nation divided echoed in the voice of the PCW faithful.

Johnny Suave: Your referee will be Davey Keels. Hang on tight… we are in for a wild ride tonight. Trump versus Harris. The winner becomes the new CEO of PCW.

The bell rings, echoing through the arena as Trump and Harris lock up in the center of the ring. The crowd’s roar is deafening, a cacophony of cheers and boos battling for dominance.

Harris strikes first, her leg whipping out in a low kick that catches Trump off guard. She follows up with a swift enziguri, her foot connecting with Trump’s temple. The former president stumbles, and Harris pounces for the cover.

“One!” Davey Keels’ hand slaps the mat, but Trump kicks out with force.

Johnny Suave: Harris coming out hot! But Trump’s not going down that easy!

Trump, shaking off the cobwebs, grabs Harris and attempts to fling her into the ropes. But Harris, ever the politician, reverses the momentum. Trump, caught off-guard, grabs the ropes to steady himself.

Colleen Crowder: Slick move by Harris! She’s not letting Trump dictate the pace! She can do this.

Trump, his face a mask of determination, trips Harris as she rebounds off the ropes. She hits the mat hard, and Trump capitalizes with a brutal basement uppercut.

Johnny Suave: Oh! Trump with that patented ‘low blow’ we’ve seen so often in his political career! .

The crowd is on its feet as Trump follows up with a sliding lariat, his arm clotheslining Harris with devastating impact. He goes for the cover, and Keels’ hand comes down again.

“One! Two!” But Harris kicks out at the last second.

Trump, frustration evident on his face, grabs Harris and bodily throws her through the ropes. The fans closest to the action scatter as Harris crashes to the floor.

Johnny Suave: Trump taking this fight outside the ring!

Colleen Crowder: Just like he takes everything outside the norms of politics!

As Trump follows Harris to the outside, she scrambles for a weapon. Her hand finds a steel chair, and she swings with all her might.

CLANG!

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

The sound reverberates through the arena as the chair connects with Trump’s head. He goes down hard, and Harris seizes control.

Johnny Suave: Harris is dismantling Trump!

For the next five minutes, Harris dominates, utilizing the chair and every dirty trick in the book. She goes for multiple covers, but Trump’s resilience shines through.

Colleen Crowder: Trump kicks out at one!

Crowder sounds almost disappointed.

Colleen Crowder: You’ve got to wonder where he’s getting this strength from! Come on Kamala!

Harris, growing desperate, attempts to pillmanize Trump’s knee with the chair. But in a move that shocks everyone, Trump no-sells the attack, popping up as if nothing happened.

Johnny Suave: Unbelievable! Trump just shrugged off what should have been a devastating move! Is he even human?

As they make their way back to the ring, Harris tries to climb in first. But Trump, seizing the opportunity, grabs her and slams her hard to the floor.

Johnny Suave: Oh! Trump gives her a taste of her own medicine!”

Crowder winces.

Colleen Crowder: This match is far from over, Johnny. At least, that’s the narrative we’re reporting.

The ring creaks under the weight of the combatants as Trump and Harris circle each other, a wooden table now situated ominously in the corner. Walz and Vance, like opposing cornermen in a boxing match, toss chairs into the ring, the metallic clang echoing through the arena.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, this is turning into a hardware store! We’ve got tables, we’ve got chairs – what’s next, a kitchen sink?

Trump lunges forward, grabbing Harris in a headlock. She counters, twisting out and shoving him towards the ropes. As Trump rebounds, Harris ducks, aiming for a backdrop. But Trump leapfrogs over her, landing with surprising agility for a man his age.

Johnny Suave: Did you see that, Colleen? Trump’s moving like a man half his age!

Colleen Crowder: Whatever John-

Colleen Crowder’s reply is cut short as a commotion erupts at ringside. Neal Conn…

Johnny Suave: Here comes Neal Conn… making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order. I’m supposed to say that whenever I say his name.

…and Hallie Burton…

Johnny Suave: Hallie Burton- protector of the military-industrial complex… yes… I’m supposed to say that too.

Conn and Burton along with a group of well-dressed individuals storm the ring, led by a figure that looks like Darth Vader crossed with Dick Cheney.

Johnny Suave: I wondered when they’d be making their appearance. It’s the Never Trumper group Conservative, Inc. and is that… Darth Dick Cheney?

The group swarms the ring. But then…

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE AMERICAN HEARTLAND COALITION!

‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay, PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell, ‘The Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan, and the ‘Alaskan Rogue’ Sierra Whalen hop the rail and tackle Conn and Burton.

Johnny Suave: The AHC are taking care of Conservative Inc. but the Never Trumpers are at ringside now!

Bill Kristol and Charlie Sykes pulling Trump’s legs out from under him. Jonah Goldberg and David French follow up with chair shots to Trump’s back.

Harris retreats to a corner, a smirk playing on her lips as she watches the chaos unfold.

Johnny Suave: This is a travesty! Where’s the referee? Where’s security?

As if in answer, the crowd pops when a new group charges down the ramp. Elon Musk leads the charge, followed closely by Vivek Ramaswamy and Bobby Kennedy Jr.

Johnny Suave: The anti-establishment squad is here!

Musk slides into the ring, immediately tackling David Brooks. Ramaswamy goes after Mitt Romney, while RFK Jr. grapples with George Conway.

The ring becomes a sea of flailing limbs and flying chairs. Tulsi Gabbard grabs the Washington Post’s so-called ‘conservative’ columnist Jennifer Rubin by the hair, tossing her over the top rope.

Johnny Suave: Jen Rubin… who called for newspaper writers to quit the LA Times and USA Today because they wouldn’t endorse Kamala Harris… but didn’t offer to quit the Washington Post… gets thrown out of the ring.

Trump, finally free from the pile-on, stumbles to his feet. He locks eyes with Darth Dick Cheney, who’s advancing menacingly.

Johnny Suave: Here we go. Time to drain the swamp.

Trump grabs a nearby chair.

Colleen Crowder: I’m a little conflicted on this. Yes, Cheney throwing his support to Harris is good. But Dick Cheney? Ehhh…

As Cheney reaches for him, Trump swings the chair with all his might, connecting with a resounding clang that seems to shake the very foundations of the arena.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! Down goes Cheney!

Nicole Shanahan tosses Liz Cheney through the ropes.

Johnny Suave: And there goes Liz. Wait… there’s a commotion. Now what?

The arena erupts as a new wave of chaos descends upon the ring. A swarm of suits and microphones floods down the ramp.

Johnny Suave: The legacy media has arrived! ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, NPR, CNN, MSNBC – they’re all here!

Colleen Crowder leans forward, her eyes gleaming.

Colleen Crowder: Finally, some real journalists to set the record straight!

The legacy media crew circles the ring like sharks, but J.D. Vance is ready. He clotheslines an MSNBC anchor over the top rope, then hip-tosses a CNN correspondent out of the ring.

Colleen becomes alarmed.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing?

Johnny Suave: Vance is cleaning house!” Suave shouts. “These media folks are about as welcome as fact-checkers at a campaign rally!”

Vivek Ramaswamy joins the fray, suplexing a CBS reporter onto a conveniently placed table.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Suddenly, the crowd erupts and Suave’s voice reaching a fever pitch.

Johnny Suave: IT’S JOE ROGAN!”

The podcast king sprints down the ramp, leaping into the ring with the agility of a UFC fighter. Rogan immediately locks eyes with a terrified ABC anchor.

Rogan growls, before launching into a spinning back kick that sends the anchor flying through the ropes.

As Rogan, Vance, and Ramaswamy clear the ring of the last media stragglers, the crowd chants: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”

But the night is far from over. The familiar strains of “Hail to the Chief” fill the arena, and two figures appear at the top of the ramp.

Colleen Crowder: YES! It’s Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama!

Crowder can barely containing her excitement.

Colleen Crowder: Maybe they can get Harris across the line.

As they make their way down, Tulsi Gabbard locks eyes with Hillary. Without warning, she sprints across the ring and dives through the ropes, tackling Clinton to the ground.

Johnny Suave: CAT-FIGHT… CAT-FIIIIIIGHT!

The two women roll around on the entrance ramp.

Colleen Crowder: WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Johnny Suave: Hillary Clinton once accused Tulsi an agent of Russia back in 2019 after Gabbard tore apart Kamala Harris in a debate. She didn’t forget.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

Suddenly, Don Cheadle, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Robert Downey, Jr, Scarlett Johansson, and Paul Bettany appear on stage.

Colleen Crowder: YES!

Johnny Suave: Big Hollywood’s big stars are here tonight on Kamala Harris’s behalf and- WAIT!

The arena erupts in chaos as a group of bearded men in suspenders and wide-brimmed hats storm the stage.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP.

Suave’s voice cracks with disbelief.

Johnny Suave: It’s a group of angry Amish men from Pennsylvania!

Colleen Crowder: WH- WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Johnny Suave: They’re mad because of a January federal raid on a local raw milk farm in Bird in Hand, Pa. The Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture stormed Amos Miller’s farm Jan. 4 after reports of illnesses in children linked to raw dairy products purchased there.

As straw hats and designer sunglasses fly, Trump seizes the moment. He grabs Harris, whipping her into the ropes.

Johnny Suave: Hotshot Stunner!

Trump catches Harris on the rebound, driving her head into his shoulder.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOO!

Trump’s not done. He hoists Harris up in a fireman’s carry, circling the ring as the crowd roars as Trump brings Harris crashing down.

Johnny Suave: Side Slam by Trump and he’s in control of this match.

Davey Keels slides into position, his hand slapping the mat. “One! Two!” But Harris kicks out at the last second.

Trump climbs the turnbuckle, his tie flapping in the wind. The fans are on their feet, cell phones raised to capture the moment. Suddenly, a blur of movement catches Trump’s eye.

Colleen Crowder: It’s Joy Reid!

The MSNBC host runs in and grabs Harris, pulling her to safety.

Trump’s face contorts with frustration.

Johnny Suave: You can run, but you can’t hide from the red wave!

Colleen Crowder: Stop saying that!

Trump leaps from the turnbuckle and pursues Harris around the ring.

As Trump chases Harris back inside, Suave leans into his mic.

Johnny Suave: Folks, I’ve seen a lot in my days at PCW, but this… this is unprecedented!

Colleen Crowder: I think I’m going to be sick.

The arena plunges into darkness.

Johnny Suave: Uh oh.

A sinister cackle echoes through the speakers as lightning flashes across the jumbotron.

Johnny Suave: It’s the Supreme Dark Overlord of PCW, Joe Biden!

A hooded figure emerges from billowing smoke, dressed like the political version of Star Wars’ Emperor Palpatine. His eyes glowing an eerie blue behind a pair of dark sunglasses beneath the cowl. As he raises his gnarled hands and removes the sunglasses, electricity crackles from his eyes.

A bolt of political force energy shoots from Biden’s eyes. Trump ducks, the electricity sizzling past his ear and hitting a hot dog vendor in the aisle behind him incinerating him instantly.

J.D. Vance scrambles, grabbing a nearby mirror and tossing it to Trump. Trump catches the mirror just as another bolt flies towards him. He angles the glass, deflecting the energy. It ricochets, striking Kamala Harris. Her pants ignite in blue flames.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen Crowder: My God! Her pants are on fire!

Johnny Suave: Hmmm… I seem to remember a certain phrase that ends with ‘pants on fire.’

Colleen Crowder: That’s not funny!

Harris shrieks, desperately patting at the flames. Tim Walz rushes to her aid.

Biden’s eyes unleash a second bolt of political force energy. Again, Vance deflects this one into the path of Tim Walz who stumbles into its path. His own trousers burst into flames.

Colleen Crowder: JOE! STOP!

Johnny Suave: It’s pandemonium in the ring! We’ve got flaming politicians everywhere!

Trump seizes his chance. As Harris flails, trying to extinguish herself, he lunges forward. In one fluid motion, he wraps his arms around her waist and rolls her up from behind.

Referee Davey Keels drops to the mat. “One!”

The crowd roars.

“Two!”

Trump grits his teeth, using all his strength to keep Harris pinned.

“Three!”

The bell rings. Trump releases his hold, staggering to his feet as the realization hits him.

Johnny Suave: HE’S DONE IT!

On the stage, Biden’s lips curl into a satisfied smirk. His work here is finished. He turns, disappearing into the shadows as quickly as he arrived.

Kimber Marshall makes it official.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner and new CEO of PCW… DONALD TRUMP!

The arena erupts. Vance, Musk, Ramaswamy, RFK Jr., Gabbard, and Shanahan flood the ring, lifting Trump onto their shoulders in triumph.

Colleen Crowder: I can’t believe it!

Crowder gasps, her professional facade cracking.

Colleen Crowder: Harris was on fire… literally!

Johnny Suave: And she lost.

Colleen Crowder: And she lost.

Johnny Suave: Colleen, looks like Trump just fired Harris from the top job!

Colleen Crowder: Stop rubbing it in.

Suave turns to his co-commentator, his voice thick with emotion.

Johnny Suave: We’ve witnessed history tonight. Donald Trump has become the first person in the PCW era to do what Grover Cleveland once did a hundred years ago- win two non-consecutive terms. Love him or hate him, Donald Trump is once again at the helm of PCW.

Colleen Crowder: Oh God… no.

As the celebration rages, a commotion erupts at the entrance ramp. New York Governor Kathy Hochul storms out, her face as red as the seats of the American Patriot section as she shrieks into a microphone.

Kathy Hochul: Anyone who supports Donald Trump and this… this travesty is anti-American!

Suddenly, two costumed figures burst from the crowd.

Johnny Suave: Wait! Is that… Peanut the Squirrel and Fred the Raccoon?

The anthropomorphic duo charges Hochul, executing a perfect double clothesline that sends her sprawling.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen sighs.

Colleen Crowder: And now Kathy Hochul get taken out by two dead pets!

The crowd’s cheers turn to boos as Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post rushes the stage, shoving Peanut and Fred to the floor.

Jennifer Rubin: MAGA squirrel deserved to die!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jennifer Rubin: The media, it must be said, did not fulfill its role in educating the public and advancing truth as their primary objective. Refusal to explore Trump’s manifest defects and place him and his movement in the context of fascist strongmen and their cults had the effect of normalizing and legitimizing a candidate utterly unfit for office. But the facts nevertheless were there for anyone who cared to look. At some point, voters are responsible for their own decisions.

The crowd’s roar intensifies as Dawn McGill’s entrance music hits. The statuesque blonde strides down the ramp, her piercing blue eyes locked on Jennifer Rubin in the ring. Dawn’s tight black dress hugs her curves, leaving little to the imagination.

Dawn sneers at Rubin and snatches a microphone.

Dawn McGill: Well, well, if it isn’t the Washington Post’s resident hack. Jen Rubin, the queen of bad takes herself.

Rubin bristles, her face reddening.

Jennifer Rubin: How dare you! I’m a respected journalist-

Dawn McGill: You’re a joke.

Dawn cuts her off, climbing into the ring. She towers over Rubin, using every inch of her six-foot frame to intimidate.

Dawn McGill: A smug, stuck-up elitist who wouldn’t know real America if it bit you on your Beltway bubble ass.

The crowd erupts in cheers. Dawn basks in their energy, feeling the electricity coursing through the arena.

Jennifer Rubin: Listen here, you silicone-enhanced bimbo.

Rubin jabs a finger at Dawn’s chest.

Jennifer Rubin: I’ve forgotten more about politics than you’ll ever know!

Dawn’s eyes narrow dangerously. In one fluid motion, she grabs Rubin’s wrist and twists, eliciting a yelp of pain.

Dawn McGill: First of all, these are 100% real, honey. Second, you can take your elitist attitude and go *BLEEP* yourself with it.

The censored expletive echoes through the arena, drawing shocked gasps and raucous cheers in equal measure. Dawn releases Rubin’s wrist, shoving her back against the ropes.

Dawn McGill: You need to get out of your ivory tower and see what’s really going on in this country instead of sipping your lattes and writing hit pieces.

Rubin, red-faced and sputtering, stumbles backwards out of the ring. She trips on the bottom rope, nearly face-planting on the floor before catching herself. As she scurries up the ramp, Dawn’s laughter follows her.

Then… of course… Keith Olbermann appears, red-faced and spittle-flecked.

Keith Olbermann: Russian collusion!

Johnny Suave: Oh… no.

Keith Olbermann: It’s all Russian collusion!

Aimee Allen’s Ron Paul Anthem begins to play and the crowd pops.

Wake up! Wake up! Good morning America! Rise and Shine.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE! NO WAY!

Rise and Shine!

A group appears and two drummers lead the procession. Some hold up a sign with a black and white drawing on the side of Ron Paul’s face with ‘Ron Paul-Revolution’ on the bottom.

Ron Paul! Save our constitutional rights Ron Paul! We’re not gonna give up the fight

Johnny Suave: HE’S BACK!

Keith Olbermann: What the- ARRRRRGHHHH!

Olbermann gets pushed off the stage and lands on the floor.

Ron Paul! Start a revolution and break down illegal institutions

Finally Ron Paul himself appears.

Johnny Suave: RON PAUL AND HIS NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY ARE BACK IN PCW!

Colleen sighs.

Colleen Crowder: Why not?

The parade starts down the ring towards Trump, Musk, and the others.

PCW!… PCW!… PCW!…

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