#PRETEND IVE BEEN CONSISTENT WITH POSTS OK

[idrksmh]

WOO ROAD 96

[wickjump]

hey gang, ive kinda had like the worst week of 2024 so far (would say of all time but in 2023 my cat died which tops this). anyway yeah sorry for rarely posting except from posting old drafts that i pretend are new and reblogging whenever i scroll mindlessly to distract myself. haven’t been able to pay as much attention to things as ive liked!!!! some shitty things have happened both to me and the people i care about so ive been trying to focus mostly on that rather than not. that’s life, c’est la vie.

hopefully things should clear up within a few days, but given i promised id be more active like twice before now i have no clue how true that one is. been going through a rough time and not dealing with it in the best of ways and i dunno how long it’ll take to get out of this one fellas. i might post some more cleaned up drafts but it’s hard to focus on a lot of things since anxiety is kicking my ass right now. with any luck ill bounce back sooner than expected though, or at least be more consistent with things. i tried to be more active yesterday but then A Really Bad Thing kinda caught me off guard and im doing a bit worse for wear at the moment. but ill be dandy and will get back soon enough, no longer than like two weeks if things go well!!!!

i also haven’t checked notifs just at all unless im actively expecting a response so if anyone @‘d me or anything of the sort i. did not see it. or any other important reblog. i get hundreds of notifs each day and normally i read through all the replies and reblogs because i like to see your thoughts!! but i haven’t done that much lately either. if something is seriously important, dm me and itll be easier to see it, but i can’t guarantee ill see or respond to it in a timely manner.

OK THATS ALL BYE SORRY 💔

[posthumus]

kaz and inej want what philip herriton and miss abbott have

[glitchbirds]

tmi/transitioning related things (mostly centered around surgery in this specific post), mildly nsfw at points. also this is very long

ok why do i find it easier to talk about these things on here, a public account where strangers and vague acquaintances follow me, than on my private twitter where only friends (mostly v close ones) follow me. idk. it just feels less embarrassing (IE: humiliating) if i picture the intended audience as more neutral/mixed and not consisting of multiple people who have met me in person and/or who have known me since middle/high school

also this is very rambly and maybe not coherent. apologies. this has been swirling in the back of my head since last night and im just throwing it into text post form and proceeding to pretend to forget it exists.

i feel like for most of my life i was extremely ambivalent about top/bottom surgery personally because i had such a detached sense of self (let alone attachment to my physical body) that i just didnt care. and as i got older i at least reached a point of like, ok, top surgery is definitely in the cards because i dont like my chest and its more of an inconvenience than anything, but i never really thought of it as like, overtly dysphoria-inducing to have breasts? my main issue was (and still is) always just how other people view their presence on my body. ive tried wearing a binder a grand total of two times, but it was uncomfortable (esp since i am Fat) and just drew my attention MORE to their presence. and this year it finally hit me that a lot of my current issues w/ my chest are resolved if i just… dont wear bras anymore. because just like a binder, bras mean im constantly thinking about the pressure on my chest. so i dont and im significantly better off for it, even though i Am constantly worried by the possibility of people staring. like. i have a big chest unfortunately and (sorry) the nipples are constantly making their presence known. but like. even when i wore bras the nipples constantly showed and i hated THAT too but at least now i dont think about them as much when im in public unless im speaking to someone directly, but then i can at least cross my arms or something.

ftr. the knowledge that just Deleting The Nipples Outright is even an Option with top surgery was a game changer and ive been set on that for years. i honestly think if you forced me to chose between removing the breasts and keeping the nipples, or removing the nipples and keeping the breasts, id have to think about it for a long time before deciding, because i think the latter option would solve way more of my remaining dysphoria than the former. having a chest does not bother me tremendously because again I Am Fat and fat cis men can have large chests too, so it doesnt feel like it automatically makes me read as A Woman to strangers... just in combination with other factors.

(in the end i would probably settle on top surgery and keeping the nipples if i HAD to, if only because i suspect the breasts to have some connection to chronic pain, but it wouldnt be ideal for me. i want these bitches gone.)

as for bottom surgery… WELL. no one on this god damn website(or twt) likes talking about bottom surgery seriously, or at least no one i know, which is unfortunate because it makes me feel like im alone here in caring about it in any capacity. i feel like a lot of my transmasc/trans guy friends only want(ed) top surgery and dont care about bottom surgery, which is absolutely fine and i support that and love that, but it does make it feel very difficult to even acknowledge the possibility that i might want it for myself because its like theres no precedent. (and ofc theres also the possibility that out of my friends there are others who are in the same boat as me and just dont want to talk about it publicly, which. Very Fair because clearly i am also having issues just Talking About It.)

ive also gone back and forth over wanting it for years, and then back and forth about what Kind i’d want, though ive learned over time that phallo is preferred for fat transmasc ppl and its probably what i would lean more towards getting for myself regardless of that. though the fact that its more expensive/can have more complications/requires more surgical procedures and longer recovery time, Does Scare Me A Bit, and that circles back into the aforementioned "i feel like a freak talking about this at all in the first place" feeling... like i dont even know how to talk about having these concerns in the first place because i feel like nearly everyone i know has simply decided to not bother with this and will somehow judge me for wanting it for myself. even though im aware thats nonsense. idk. just the fact that its literally Dick Surgery combined with my usual aggressively high levels of self-isolation = This Is The Most Humiliating Topic In The World To Me. how dare i acknowledge to others that i possess genitalia or that i may wish to alter them in some fashion to feel more comfortable. i feel like if i DID go through w/ getting phallo i would just go radio silent online throughout the whole process for months on end because id be too nervous to even acknowledge its happening.

which, in general is also something i wish i could fix in myself. :/ i have spent the majority of my life becoming more and more private and for the most part i dont think thats a bad thing but it unfortunately is/was combined with a lot of repression and trauma and im just barely beginning to fully untangle some of that and now im in a place where i dont WANT to be as reticent as i am but it feels impossible to really stop; and/or i feel like people ive known for years will be shocked and appalled if i suddenly acknowledge the fact that i am a human being capable of carnal thought. like, man, fucking look at the way im talking about this and dancing around the subjects. look at it. i am twenty five years old. i am a mess.

i think my other major concern w/ phallo that i didnt already note above is connected to this- i dont mind the idea of having skin graft scars, but i DO mind the possibility of someone looking at a scar on my arm and being able to tell. you know? like idk, someone knowing im trans and seeing that scar and suddenly Knowing the state of my genitalia without me even acknowledging it. which is probably. me being extremely paranoid for no good reason, because phallo isnt the only procedure in the world that requires skin grafts, most people in the world are not super well versed in Transmasc Surgery details, i could chose less obvious sites for skin grafts like the thigh, etc. but the thought just makes me deeply uncomfortable. though not AS uncomfortable as it used to make me? testosterone has done a LOT for me the past few months to make some of these things matter less to me and get me over some of these hangups i have had for the majority of my life and i am deeply deeply grateful for that. like i can guarantee i would not be making this post if i was not on T because i would just be too freaked out by the vague possibility of anyone actually reading this fucking Manifesto im crafting here.

idkkkk. it wouldnt be the end of the world if i decide against getting bottom surgery in the near-ish future- or ever- but like. GRIMACING ok let me rip THIS bandaid off, i have never in my entire life been comfortable with penetration . it is either uncomfortable or outright painful. i suspect i have vaginismus or something similar, and i know there are treatments for that and i could eventually reach a point where i Am comfortable with it, but frankly i do not Care. while there are times where i may wish that this was not a problem i have, i am mostly content with allowing a significant portion of my equipment to remain in relative disuse.

so like. idk. frankly it would probably be better for me to go through the whole process of bottom surgery so i actually have Fully Functional Genitals for the first time ever. ftr even typing that sentence makes me want to die i am like at war with myself and my own prudishness even when i am as vague as possible. i am also cutting out a LOT of other details rn because i would probably just keel over from a heart attack if i Did include them.

Ok Well. i have talked for like 1500 words about my problems disorders and publicly humiliated myself enough for one day. if youve read through this whole thing you have nothing but my apologies. and also my gratitude. but mostly the apologies.

[peachiyyy]

I dont know if this will make any sense but ive been dressing up and wearing makeup consistently these past few months as a way to present myself as OK despite having actual suicidal and unhinged thoughts/urges. I used makeup as a form of escapism to distract myself from every bad thing happening in my life. I was fine without makeup beforehand but then when things started going downhill, I forced myself to believe that vanity was the only thing that truly mattered and as long as I look good, all will be okay. Actually external validation and beauty means nothing bc they’re not solving my problems or stopping the self harming/suicidal tendencies. They’re temporary and only feels so good. I used to love being complimented on my looks and thrive off the validation I got from it (and to an extent, I obviously still do) until I realized that validation means nothing. Cliche but being valued and loved and cared for means so much more. I grew up with a lot of deep rooted insecurities and hating the way I looked and crying over every single flaw I had so the only thing I ever wanted was validation. I’m not saying that I only look beautiful with makeup on- because that’s not true, I love the look of my bare face and feel comfortable in it. I walk outside and wear my face proudly compared to when I was younger. But that’s not the point. This post isnt meant to be about makeup and its affect on people etc etc. I don’t even think I know what the point of this post is im just writing whatever come sto mind. I guess what im trying to say is that I’ve been using things that I love as a form of escapism to the point that they are no longer things that I love doing. I think I hate doing them now. Joking about being vain did a little too much damage on me. I did the things that I thought would make me happy and gave me the reactions that I wanted but it doesn’t feel good. It feels draining. None of this matters if I can’t find happiness within myself or success. None of it makes waking up feel good. It’s just a facade. “Being vain is how I cope💋” is just another way of me saying that im extremely suicidal and have insecurities that i cant escape so ill pretend to be something else

[thisdreamplace]

Hi, what would you (or a general person) think/feel/act like if they were happily employed with a major paycheck?

I'm asking coz i feel blockage when I try to imagine living in the state of this manifestation. Fears of being incompetent at interviews and unable to answer questions properly or rambling crop up when I try to even imagine having that amazing job

Worse, I mean not worse, coz ik circumstances shouldn't matter, thing is idk idek the specifics of the ideal company or ideal job post of my desire

Ik I want eg:

an exorbitant salary (financial independence), even tho I fear I won't be able to negotiate at all (I'm not exactly a bargainer)

a role of responsibility where i can learn from the higher ups while inspiring those below, with a level of autonomy

Work that's not tedious or repetitive

So on and so forth

Even tho I don't have much job xp (again, Im prolly invalidating myself here, coz the fact is, I've come to realise even if I win a Nobel Prize, I'll keep feeling I haven't done 'enough'), I do have amazing, hard-as-hell-to-get qualifications (and again... I feel I'm not enough like wth whyyy? ;_; I've met so many people who've got half of these qualifications yet they're more confident and can actually flaunt that while I feel, not like an imposter, but ig worthless when compared)

The worst is Ive always freaking felt it in my bones I'm worthy of a higher role than my current self can achieve (by current self I'm referring to the fact that I do have issues eg nightmare interviews in the past hovering over me, beliefs of being incompetent or unqualified or being unable to answer difficult questions (since I was a child, I've been told, disparagingly alas, that I'm only 'book smart' and could only ace studies by 'rote learning', which is untrue. In fact thanks to that, I actually developed a memory issue whereby I'm unable to memorize stuff easily (btw one of my secrets to academic success has been understanding concepts, mind mapping it all mentally, having a solid grip over foundations etc. Ok I digressed) anyhow, I really do feel unprepared to answer questions (in fact one of my fears is being asked an intrusive question (like hey, why are you eg so pimply? (Btw I'm not, this is just an example) in front of everyone and being at the center of attention in that way 😱) so yeah, I hope you can sense the myriad of beliefs holding me back (and sometimes I feel nauseated to even think of 'facing' these beliefs or fears. Like, it's as I wrote to u rn that I realised I fear looking incompetent, except this case is so severe coz I feel like it's worthless if it's not done perfectly (or as near perfect))

So how do I manifest here? Hell, my mind starts hurting if I assert: okay, let's at least prepare, no, at least LOOK at a job interview question

Ik the Law says I can assume anything and that'll work. So how do I assume I'm, y'know, a confident gal who does not have the aforementioned state of mind? Or how do I defuse the root issues linked to childhood/past stuff? Or better yet, what state should I focus on assuming/taking on? I have no idea how to start. And thanks to analysis paralysis (it took me years to acknowledge this even) I'll end up prolly doing nothing then another month will pass by with me doing nothing and then I'll type another frenzied ask

PS: yep, Im aware of the self concept topic, but I hope u can shed some light on this specific matter at hand, kinda customized?

Ty

😰

So to begin with, scratch everything and literally focus on your self-esteem and your concept of self. No, you don't need a good self esteem to manifest, but I'm really passed pretending like it should be optional. Every one of us deserves to feel good about ourselves, for ourselves. And you're holding yourself back so much by not allowing yourself to feel good about who you are. I mean, you list how accomplished you are and yet it's still not good enough for you?

It's confusing because if you felt in your bones you were worthy of something better, how can you sit there and but yourself down so easily? Your reality is giving you what you actually feel worthy of. And it's not what you desire.

You're the only one holding yourself in this story. You know the law says everything is happening now, meaning all desired experiences and versions of yourself are available to you now. You tap into them by using your imagination and dwelling there. So, stop sticking yourself to this story that doesn't help you. You feel unprepared because you keep saying so. You keep replaying this memory of things going badly, when in reality there's not even a past. You're the one keeping it alive by being so consumed by it and thinking it's so real. But see, the past only exists in your mind. It doesn't exist elsewhere. And just like with everything else in our mind, we have the power to decide what is and is not so.

Plus, the comparison game has got to come to an end. Everyone is you pushed out anyway. A win for one person, is a win for all. Who are you comparing yourself to, besides a reflection in the mirror? There's no point. The more you let go of the old way of thinking and allow yourself to remember more and more who you truly are, the easier it'll be to let go of wanting to compare yourself all the time. It's literally your reality. It's your world and everyone else is just living in it. Seriously. You're literally at the center of your world. You're at the heart of it all, there is no one else but self.

Self concept isn't something to push to the side. I notice a lot of people know about it and then go, "ehh but what else is there?" Like, I did the same thing. And that's why my journey was full of detours when I could have just went straight to my destination.

How do you do this? Well, you do have some idea of who you want to be. I mean, I'm guessing you want to be the opposite of every undesirable trait/experience you mentioned? So therefore, (if you want to write it down, please do), you need to decide the mindset you want to focus on manifesting within yourself. Let the outer world be for a bit, it's time to focus on you and only you. Here's an article that gives an example of how to get clear on the version of you that you want to embody.

And then once you get clear on that, really, the only task you have is to wake up everyday and thrive to focus on keeping that mindset. Sure you might slip up, sure some days you may not do well keeping it at all, but it doesn't matter. You keep persisting and it gets easier and becomes your new normal.

You see, I like how Dylan James says manifesting is not a trying process because it makes sense. For example, you didn't try to end up with the experiences you have surrounding career right now. However, you manifested it due to your concept of self. Change your conception of self and without trying, that perfect career you desire will find you. It can be that simple. But we have to allow it to be. Plus, you really only need to focus on yourself. You don't need to have a list that consists of your must-haves in a job, or anything. (Unless you truly like to make lists like that.) Because the truth is, our desires are from God. Therefore, we never need to worry about telling our Godself what we want. Our Godself already knows. So if you are unclear, you can trust you'll be lead exactly where you want to go. Being specific or being general makes no difference and it's okay to approach manifesting with either one. You'll always come out successful no matter what. But the change begins within. There is no one to change but self.

Hopefully this is helpful! You got this! 💖

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

How do i post something ive written in hopes of a lot of people reading it?

Formatting. Short paragraphs > long paragraphs. If I see that someone’s written something that’s one long paragraph, I don’t even bother trying to read it. It’s an immediate red flag that the person is either lazy or has no idea what they’re doing. Make the writing easy to read. Give it a correct structure. 

Aesthetic. There are a lot of fics on here, and not all of them are good. Make sure you have a header, or even just a simple and relevant gif or picture, that will make people recognize your writing or at least intrigue them enough to give it a shot. Ever hear, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? Well, that’s bullshit. All we do is judge books by their covers. As awful as it sounds, I’ve literally passed on fics because people had made headers that look like they were created in Windows Paint. But, in my mind, I’ve translated that to them not having a good creative eye, so then I assume their writing is going to be just as bad. 

Tags. I’ve seen people post stories and then see that they added, like, three tags to it. The more you tag, the more people your fics will reach. I would say add at least 10 tags. But make sure they’re actually relevant and honest, otherwise you’re just going to piss people off. Do NOT tag your fic as a Tony Stark x Reader story if Tony Stark is not the love interest. 

Reblogs. I reblog every chapter of every series I do at least 5 times. Sometimes people don’t have their notifications on and Tumblr can be a real asshole. People are in different time zones and people go on Tumblr at different times. The more you reblog at various times, the less people are going to miss your story or update. But make sure you add the same tags to every reblog. (took me far too long to learn that one.)

Consistency. At the end of the day, Tumblr is a social platform to a degree and a website that has an algorithm just like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. The more consistently you post, the more you get rewarded by the platform. Do you post a chapter for a series and then not update your blog for 6 months? The algorithm will punish you. Furthermore, people have probably unfollowed you and/or forgot who are completely and won’t care when you finally write that next chapter. WRITE CONSISTENTLY. UPDATE YOUR BLOG CONSISTENTLY. 

Grammar. I am by no means a grammar expert. Neither am I going to pretend that I am one. Typos happen. Mistakes happen. But, for the love of god, at least try to replicate the style and mediocre grammar you see in books or other the fic writers on her that you admire. Proofread your chapters at least once before posting. 

Quality. OK. This one might be harsh. But, at the end of the day, if you’re writing is good... then people are going to find it and they’re going to read it. And if they’re nice, they’re going to reblog it, which spreads your writing to a new audience. If you build it (and it’s good) they will come.  

Obviously, if you ask another fic writer on here the same question, they might say something completely different. But this has always been my practice. I literally posted my first fic on here and learned as I went. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t even fully understand Tumblr yet. I just kept a writing and people responded. My audience grew slowly, but surely. I don’t even do taglists, and it hasn’t hurt me. 

[unsexy-leprechaun]

Stormy Weather 2 Review (spoilers)

so yeah, the latest ep was a clip show.

- at least it came as part of a block rather than a stand alone anticipated episode

-did they really need to include the transformation sequences of rena and cara in the flashback.

- nora was present which is always a plus

-there was some new content and an organic reason to be flashing back at least

-stormy’s motive was kind of meh like she is teased about being akumafied and so becomes akumafied.

-we did get some new character perspectives like nathalie and gabe so we get a bit more villain motivation.

-they unfortunately seem to be going the ‘look gabe is a good parent deep down’ route rather than just pretending to be kind to adri to keep him placated which is what i had originally taken from the hug scene.

-they really did try to make it look like chloe has changed even though all they did is make her a hero. any development ends with each ep, like this akuma was caused by chloe being her regular self again.

-yeah they really put chat and bug’s transformations in the flashback (in water and ice versions at least), as well as having their normal transformations in current time

-the volcano causing the earth to move away from the sun thing was... interesting science. i get the feeling that it was originally the volcano causing an ash cloud that spreads around the world and blocks out the sun, which is a thing that does cause ice ages, rather than.... whatever actually happened, its kind of vague how the planet misaligned from a volcano. 

- i do absolutely love that they just describe the battle from a civillian perspective, like yeah they really do dumb weird shit that saves the day and its amazing.

- they have chloe using her bee status to say she is better than ladynoir at their job which is... interesting characterisation when she looks up to ladybug but wtv ive given up on her arc making sense.

- marinette has literally spend full days with adrien acting like a functioning human being (mostly) in kung food and gamer and gorizilla, but sure lets pretend writing a posted note is progress. and that shes never been able to talk to him normally.

- I’m salty about plagg saying ladybug ‘stood them up’ on the candle rooftop when she said she probs wouldnt be there but sure whatever floats ur boat.

-THIS BOY RECOGNISES MATCHING HANDWRITING FROM A LETTER FROM MONTHS AGO, BUT DOESNT PICK UP ON THE TONS OF MORE OBVIOUS STUFF UP TIL NOW. yeah ok, sure. his perceptiveness is well established as awful and yet... plot convenience. I’ll take it.

-OH MY GOOOOOODDDD, URGHHHHH. ‘writes you a romantic poem on a heart card and send it to you on valentines day’ *remembers she has photos of u in her room and blurts out about a crush on you before denying it* yeah friend valentines. at least he’s consistant

- he remembers the luka scene which gives me hives from having to watch again, i’m not super caring about the shipping stuff but luka being on screen activates my fight or flight, i need to spray holy water at the screen.

- because of that he deduces they cant be the same person writing like ? mari could be in love with 2 people, or have written it before luka was a thing, but yeah at least he isnt taking handwritting profiles as fact.

[lilliebabie]

tw: self condescension, loneliness, general mental illness and negative subjects (possibly psychotic thoughts)

This is not something to read if you are regressed

i dont feel good. i feel ill right now. its really embarrassing because i know its childish and unimportant and no one else would care like this but basically ive been a huge fan of the magnus archives since summer 2020 and its been a big part of my life, i was genuinely hyper fixated on it for a while like it was what i was thinking about seventy percent of the time. its still the only piece of media I consistently read fics for. I prepared myself well for its end and coped with it remarkably well for someone as pitiful as myself. i accepted it and felt okay. i really really felt ok, and satisfied and satiating and an appropriate amount of sad. i thought it was a good ending. a well written one. anyone with any good media literacy skills can probably know that an melancholy yet ambiguous ending was best for a show like tma. one of my biggest pet peeves is when pieces of media that closed their stories extremely intentionally and cleanly open it up again for more money and because there out of ideas. And tma isn’t even doing an extra thing like I thought they were suggesting with an arg they released. It’s a full on sequel. I feel so sick writing this. i know it’s pathetic. i know it’s embarrassing. but it feels like the corpse of something I loved was buried nicely within me and I’ve been through the stages of grief and I’ve accepted it, but now my acceptance has been broken because the corpse has been dug up and desecrates for money and a lack of ideas. seeing the worst parts of capitalism and of media and art within it taint my favorite art is really really hard right now. And it’s so rough because I think I recall Jonny sims emphasizing that this was the end point blank period. And it should have been. But nothing I love can stay nice. I don’t know. i can’t handle it all again. All the stress. This is also so so so embarrassing, no one looks at my posts so at this point I’m putting it out in tot he void which is fine by me, I just need to get it off my chest, but i am so so so painfully lonely and understimulated and uninterested in life too that ive been trying to imagine that Martin from tma is my friend. I try to hear him taking to me and being next to me because I feel like I’m losing my humanity and my connection to human being and my very being will literally cosmically unravel if I can’t put myself in delusion that I have a friend who loves me on a deeper level than is possible. I don’t know. I don’t know. They’re messing up my equilibrium. Everything was laid to rest. It’s a terrible decision writing wise too. The finale has lost all meaning. Rusty quill has been laying off workers and taking breaks on other works for this dumb arg bc I guess nothing was making them money so just bring back the FINISHED series you promised you wouldn’t bring back I guess. Nothing means anything anymore. When I found out about all this, like when it came out that this new content would be tma2 and that they were firing people if felt like k was losing it and I had to start calling out for people who don’t exist to keep me existing. I hate them. I can’t do this. It’s hard to watch such a well written thing become shut writing for money. HE SAID HE WOULDNT BRING IT BACK. i need to sleep now and I guess I’ll pretend there is another person here and I’ll make it real.

[tientruong95]

Heyyy, it’s ya girl again

it’s 2022 and i’ve changed so much since the last time i was here hahaha

im now 27 and ive been through so many anxiety attacks and mid-life crisis and other stuffs that shifted my perspective towards life entirely

i was just thinking about whats the point living in this life on my way back from my sister’s apartment, and that is: To enjoy it, while we still can. Powering through doubt, fear and pain, we may finally find peace and joy!

To be honest,

Career wise and self-care wise

I think i failed, because i never truly love it

Im talking about my photography career. I never truly love any of my pictures. Ok to be fair i did some times but out of 10, i think the number is less than half. Sometime i hated them and didnt even want to let anyone know i took them. I just look at all the other photographers and admire their work and wishing i could do the same while i didnt spend the time practicing or learning to do it better.

Self-care wise, im now 70kg lol never have i ever thought in my life i would get to this number. I know i shouldnt be too hard on myself because of covid and what not, but man i gained like 10kg jesus. My face got bigger than ever i didnt even want to selfie. My pimples are doing better but im still very self-aware. My knowledge in gym and nutritions got better but im not doing the work, at least not consistently.

See here, I just point out everything that im ashamed of, whats im disappointed at myself. Not sure why how the update post turn out like this, but yeah.. Pretty much sum my life up: fucked up but dont do anything about it

Theres a thing online that called toxic positivity, you know, pretending everything is fine to a point where we get used to it so much, theres nothing wrong anymore and we do absolutely nothing about it, and it keeps getting worse.

Im typing this totally not freaking out, in a happy and calm manner. When will this end? How can i end this?

[phantom-le6]

Episode Reviews - Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 5 (3 of 6)

Carrying on with our series of reviews for episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, here’s a third instalment of episodes from the show’s fifth season.

Episode 11: Hero Worship

Plot (as given by me):

The Enterprise is sent to locate a research ship called the Vico and locates the vessel adrift just outside the Black Cluster, the region the Vico had been assigned to explore. The ship is heavily damaged, and Commander Riker leads Lt. Commanders Data and La Forge on an away mission to recover all logs from the ship’s computer. Having previously detected no life signs from the Enterprise, the away team is surprised when they find a young boy named Timothy is still alive aboard the Vico, albeit trapped by debris.

 As the debris and hull plating around the room where Timothy is trapped blocks transport, Data surmises that through his android strength, he can lift the debris to free the boy.  However, this would cause imminent structural collapse, so Riker and La Forge beam back first, giving Data the time and freedom to move the debris and get Timothy to the corridor.  The pair are beamed directly to sick bay, where Timothy claims the ship was attacked. Some initial evidence seems to support this, as the gravitational wave-fronts inside the Black Cluster would hamper sensor effectiveness, and the damage is consistent with disruptor-style weaponry and Breen combat tactics.

 However, La Forge notes the evidence is inconsistent with Timothy’s story about the ship being boarded, and Counsellor Troi suggests the boy could be repressing the true events due to trauma; as he processes what happens, he may volunteer the truth of his own accord.  Troi asks Data to help, as Timothy seems to have bonded with his rescuer. Data agrees, and when Timothy learns Data is incapable of feeling emotion, he begins to pretend he is also an android, emulating Data’s mannerisms and pretending to have no emotions either.  Troi explains to Captain Picard that Timothy will only assume the android persona until he feels emotionally strong enough to do without it, and that they should encourage it to help the boy along. Picard orders Data to help Timothy “be the best android he can possibly be.”

 As Data helps Timothy, the Enterprise enters the Black Cluster to investigate further what happened to the Vico. Sensor reflections and a refraction effect when the ship’s phasers are fired quickly reveals that the Vico could not have been attacked as Timothy described. The boy is brought to the Captain’s Ready Room, where he claims he’d caused the ship’s destruction by accidentally hitting a control panel. Picard, Data and Troi all explain that the control consoles on all starships are designed to require a user code before the controls can do anything. Because of this, Timothy could not have accidentally affected anything on the Vico, and as such the truth of what happened to that ship is still unexplained.

 The discussion is interrupted by the increasing gravitational waves, which are growing in intensity and battering the Enterprise. Timothy’s recollections of what happened on the Vico give Data an idea, and he swiftly determines the cause and solution of the problem. Data urges Picard to lower the shields, and Picard obeys, which causes the growing gravitational wavefronts to dissipate. Apparently, Timothy’s recollections enabled Data to theorise that both the Vico and the Enterprise experienced a harmonic amplification effect; the more power that each ship put into their shields, the worse the gravitational wavefronts became, resulting in the Vico’s destruction.  The Enterprise leaves the Black Cluster, and Timothy remains friends with Data even after abandoning his android persona.

Review:

For me, this episode is a very good episode, but it’s also very mis-titled.  When the boy Data rescues begins emulating him, that’s not an ‘oh wow, this guy is so cool, I want to be just like him’ reaction.  If it was, then the episode title would make sense.  What he’s actually doing is thinking ‘ok, I feel bad because my parents are dead and I think it’s my fault, so I’ll pretend to be this emotionless robotic being so I can avoid that pain.’  That’s not hero worship, that’s a form of demand avoidance, albeit in this case avoiding dealing the emotions of a traumatic event rather than an activity of some kind.  It’s an interesting idea to explore, don’t get me wrong, but I think the episode needed a title that was a bit more on-target; something like “trauma” or “mistaken guilt” would have worked better.  It’s also interesting to see Data be emulated rather than doing the emulating for once, while at the same time Troi gets a chance to do really well as ship’s counsellor and co-own this episode with Data.

 Timothy’s mistaken belief that he is responsible for what happens to his ship is also a great example of a fallacy of reasoning that was the title of an early episode of later drama series The West Wing. That flawed reasoning is post hoc, ergo proctor hoc, or translated to English, after it, therefore because of it. The reasoning assumes that if one event occurs after another event, it was cause by that preceding event. However, this reasoning is highly flawed, often because the true cause is often harder to find and overlooked. In this case, Timothy assumes that because his hand hit a control panel just before his ship was destroyed, he was responsible, but had he been more well-versed in starship operations, he would have known his actions couldn’t possibly have been responsible.

 It’s a method of reasoning politicians will often trick members of the public into using when those politicians have screwed something up and don’t want to take the blame.  Too much money going out in benefits?  Blame immigrants rather than the uber-wealthy who fail to cough up their fair share of tax money through loopholes in tax law.  Too much crime?  Blame addicts despite the fact that a) politicians cut spending on police forces, b) they also cut funds to education that could help steer young people away from gang and drug culture, and c) addiction is a medical issue and our NHS is also being targeted by cut-happy politicians.  As with the case of Timothy in this episode, such real-world examples of this kind of reasoning are counter-productive; only when you bother to look at the actual cause of a problem instead of the assumed cause and find an actual solution is the problem solved.  Too bad that in real-life, no one in charge of solving problems actually wants to do so.  For me, this episode gets 9 out of 10; with a better title, I’d have given it full marks.

Episode 12: Violations

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise conveys a delegation of Ullians to Calder IV. Tarmin, their leader, explains that Ullians are telepathic historians who conduct their research by retrieving long forgotten memories, and demonstrating this on volunteers by helping Keiko O'Brien recall a lost childhood memory, and revealing Dr Crusher is thinking about her first kiss. Tarmin continues to explain their abilities that require years of training, and his son Jev, also part of the delegation, has not yet reached his potential. Jev is upset at this implication and leaves. Counsellor Troi follows and talks to him, pointing out that her own mother is also quite overbearing. After finding a common bond, Troi leaves for her quarters. While there, she recalls a romantic interlude with Commander Riker, but as the memory gets more intense, Riker begins to assault Deanna, ignoring Deanna's screams of "No!". Suddenly, Riker is replaced by Jev. Troi screams out in pain and collapses, later to be found in a coma.

 Riker speaks to Jev as the last person seen talking to Troi, and asks if he would submit to medical tests to make sure the Ullians do not carry any harmful toxins or pathogens. Jev agrees, but later Riker suffers from a similar flashback and also collapses. Dr Crusher's tests reveal nothing, but her scans of Troi and Riker show an electropathic activity typical of a rare neurological disorder, Iresine Syndrome. However, the doctor rules this out as the disorder would produce a low histamine count, and the counts for Troi and Riker are normal. Captain Picard asks the Ullians if they would allow for further scanning, which Tarmin agrees to. None of the Ullians, nor any of their volunteers during the demonstration, show this disorder. Later, Dr Crusher succumbs to a similar flashback, and Picard asks Lt. Commanders Data and La Forge to continue the investigation. Following Dr Crusher's research, Geordi looks to other cases of Iresine Syndrome in Federation records, eventually discovering two that occurred on Hurada III while a Ullian delegation was present. Picard requests the Ullians to confine themselves to quarters until they resolve the issue.

 Troi wakes from her coma, and when news of this arrives to Jev, he requests to help probe Troi's mind to find out what happened. Picard allows it, and with Jev's help, Troi recounts the memory, ending with the replacement of Riker by Tarmin. Jev asserts that for his people, forcefully inserting oneself into a memory is a crime, and contacts his homeworld to let them know of Tarmin's crime. As they near their destination, Jev comes to say goodbye to Troi, apologizing for his father. When Troi offers sympathy, Jev engages another mind probe, causing the same memory to occur for Troi. Just then, security personnel arrive and take Jev into custody; Data and La Forge had discovered two additional instances of unexplained comas on Nel III, and that Tarmin was on his home planet at that time. As the Enterprise sets course for the Ullian homeworld, Tarmin is cleared, and Riker and Dr Crusher recover from their comas.

Review:

This is a much better stab at tackling the issue of rape than I’ve seen many shows do, and it certainly helps the show redeem the insensitivity with which the same issue is handled back in the second season opening episode “The Child”.  Granted, it’s all done psychically rather than physically, and one could perhaps argue that this makes the episode very strictly metaphoric, but I disagree.  Granted, in the real world telepathy does not exist, but through the application of various tools of mental manipulation in unethical manners, it could well be possible to trick victims into situations where they are subject to mental abuse that could be the psychological equivalent of rape.

 It’s also great to see that this episode acknowledges the act of rape for what it is, namely a form of violence.  Because rape is sometimes also known as sexual assault, many are given the misconception that rape is still somehow a sexual act.  It’s not; sex is about mutual pleasure, either for its own sake or as an expression of romantic love.  Rape is about violence, about the misapplication of a need for control/domination through the victimisation of others.  In addition, Riker’s taken down by this psychic rape analogue along with Troi and Crusher, which highlights that it’s not just women who can be rape victims, while at the same time still keeping women as the majority of the victims in line with the reality of the issue.

 The only real issue I have with the episode is that we as an audience know who the rapist is right from the teaser at the earliest, and from the first attack at the latest.  The look on Jev’s face just before the opening title sequence roles betrays the rapist lurking within, and his face shows up in every single memory invasion.  As a result, it’s hard to buy into Jev’s claim that his father is supposed to be the psychic rapist; the earlier scenes where Tarmin is being outwardly pushy aren’t enough for me to buy that alternate explanation, and the reveal is too soon within the run-time to be the solution.  Overall, I give this episode 8 out of 10.

Episode 13: The Masterpiece Society

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise has been assigned to the Moab sector to track a stellar core fragment from a disintegrated Neutron star. They find the fragment is due to pass near Moab IV, threatening a human colony on the planet. On contacting the colony to arrange for evacuation, its leader Aaron Conor refuses, though allows an away team down to discuss the matter. Conor explains that the colony was formed 200 years prior to create a perfect society using genetic engineering and selective breeding, and he and the other leaders feel that evacuation would destroy the perfect order they have achieved. They discuss other alternatives and Enterprise Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge is introduced to Hannah Bates, the colony’s lead scientist in theoretical physics. Bates proposes using a multi-phase tractor beam, powered by the Enterprise's warp core, to push the fragment from its path, which La Forge agrees would be a possible solution. After some deliberation, Bates is allowed to leave the colony to the Enterprise to oversee the process. Meanwhile, Deanna Troi and Conor start to develop a romantic attraction as they try to convince the other leaders that evacuation is the best option.

 Aboard the Enterprise, Bates' solution is found to be effective, but the equipment required is damaged too quickly to be used. La Forge recognizes her solution could be augmented with similar technology that enables his VISOR to operate, allowing the equipment to last long enough to manipulate the fragment safely away from Moab IV. La Forge comments that this solution wouldn't be possible in the current colony's manner of perfection as “imperfections” like blindness would have been outright eliminated. As they continue simulations, they find that the solution is not perfect, but La Forge suggests that they reinforce the colony's shielding during the fragment's passing, allowing the colony to survive the fragment's passage. Conor initially refuses as this would require more Enterprise personnel to transport to the colony, and he fears cultural contamination, but relents when Troi convinces him this is the only solution. The Enterprise is able to push the fragment far enough that the colony appears to be safe.

 As the other Enterprise crew return to the ship, La Forge and Bates check on the status of the colony shielding. Bates reports there are microfractures that will soon fail, and recommends full evacuation. La Forge, having not seen these on his VISOR, recognizes that Bates falsified the readings, as she wishes to leave with the Enterprise, recognizing that the colony has languished behind the technological improvements of the Federation. Admitting her lie, she requests asylum aboard the Enterprise. Several other colonists express their desire to leave. Troi brings Captain Picard to the colony to discuss the matter with Conor. Though Picard recognizes that the colony's society will be altered by agreeing to asylum, he cannot refuse this request as a fundamental right of human free will. Conor reluctantly agrees, and allows Bates and 22 other colonists to leave with the ship. As they leave orbit, Picard comments how this affair is a clear example of the necessity of the Prime Directive; the intervention of the Federation to save the colonists may have, in the end, proved just as dangerous to the colony as any core fragment could ever have been.

Review:

This is a good episode not only for exploring the issue of genetic engineering and Eugenics, but also for pointing out how fundamentally stupid the latter concept is.  One of the many things I remember from my science lessons in school were the words of Charles Darwin, that the strength of nature is in its diversity. The whole reason why Earth has such a variety of life, and why humans are in turn so diverse in and of ourselves, is to enable it to survive.  Wipe out a certain type of life form from the planet, and it wreaks havoc on all the other life.  Wipe out a given racial type from within humanity or any other species, take its number and its genetic diversity too low, and you risk the loss of certain antibodies, or even a lack of sufficient genetic diversity, either of which can result in endangerment or extinction.

 This is seen in the colony featured in this episode; the people and their environment have been made to depend on each other by design in a similar way to how life on Earth is inter-connected and inter-dependent.  Remove enough pieces from the design and the whole thing gets ruined.  In addition, it’s clear from how Benbeck behaves in general and how Bates initially treats Geordi that genetic engineering hasn’t ‘improved’ the people at all.  They’ve each just been pre-programmed to be good at one thing, and in the process, they’ve become anti-disability bigots.  If that’s what genetic engineering would do to humanity, I for one would want any scientist even theorising such changes to be shot, hung, electrocuted or otherwise executed.  As much as the idea of being to work what you’ll do with your life from an early age and then do it brilliantly has a slight appeal, I’d sooner keep hold of an aimless and often incompetent humanity than trade away any hope of humanity getting better at accepting those who aren’t regularly abled.

 Geordi’s line to Hannah is perfect in this regard; when she claims it was the wish of those who founded the colony that no one there should have to ‘suffer’ a life with disability, Geordi retorts “who gave them the right to decide whether or not I might have something to contribute?” This is exactly how everyone who is differently abled must feel at some time or another dealing with the regularly abled world, especially when they start talking about ‘curing’ us, like we’re some kind of disease.  We’re not a disease, we’re people, and being differently abled gives us unique perspectives that add to humanity’s potential and advancement, as Geordi proves when the technology of his visor ends up being what solves the whole problem. Just goes to show that the only people who ever truly blind are those who fail to see value in those of us who are different.

 The one thing spoiling the episode for me is Picard showing regret at mucking up the colony through their interference. While that does gain some plus-points in that it speaks to the idea that humanity needs to leave nature well enough alone more often than not, we’re talking about a colony of anti-disability bigots.  Far as I’m concerned, the Enterprise should muck it up one way or another, and since they didn’t leave well enough alone on the stellar core fragment, dragging these genetically engineered throwbacks out of their moronic ignorance serves just as well. Overall, I give this episode 8 out of 10.

Episode 14: Conundrum

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

After being scanned by an unknown alien spaceship, the Enterprise crew discover that their memories, along with those of the ship's computer, have been partially erased. Although they retain their practical knowledge and skills, none of the crew can remember who their crewmates are, and have forgotten their own identities. Mysteriously, during the scan, an additional crewmember, in an officer's uniform and with the rank of commander, has joined the group on the bridge.

 The bridge crew attempts to gain control of the situation, and Worf, wearing his baldric, assumes because he is decorated that he is the captain of the ship, and assumes command. Data, with the memory files identifying who he is unavailable, and based on where he was when the scan happened, assumes the job of bartender in Ten Forward.

 After considerable time, the ship's computer memory is finally reached, and La Forge brings up the manifest of the senior staff members. Among the bridge crew is listed the mysterious new member who is identified as Commander Kieran MacDuff, the executive officer. The computer also reveals what is apparently the Enterprise's mission: According to the orders, the Enterprise is part of a fleet of vessels fighting a decades-old war with the Lysians. Their current assignment is to destroy the Lysian central command headquarters, which they are to do while maintaining communications silence. Worf apologises to Picard for taking over but is assured he and the rest of the crew were simply doing their best.

 In the meantime, Ensign Ro concludes that she and Commander Riker are likely romantically connected, and pursues this relationship. The two had been bickering about rank and proper procedure prior to the memory loss. Meanwhile Deanna Troi also realizes she has feelings for the commander and finds evidence which supports their past relationship.

 Doctor Crusher works to restore the memories of the crew, a process complicated when it's found that the medical records for the crew have been destroyed. She tries an experimental procedure on MacDuff, who apparently reacts poorly to the treatments, but later smiles when Crusher turns away.

 Continuing toward the target, the Enterprise encounters a Lysian ship, which is easily destroyed. Picard becomes concerned with how mismatched the firepower of the Enterprise is compared to her supposed enemies. Picard complains to MacDuff that he feels as though he has been given a weapon, taken into a room and told to shoot a stranger. Ultimately, when faced with the Lysian central command, drastically incapable of fighting them off and with 15,311 people on board, Picard calls off the mission, stating that he does not fire on defenceless people. Angered by this action, MacDuff attempts to take control of the Enterprise throwing Lt Worf across the bridge when Worf attempts to restrain him. Riker then fires a phaser at MacDuff, revealing that MacDuff is some manner of alien. MacDuff struggles to activate the ship's weapons, but Riker and Worf defeat him by simultaneously firing their phasers at him causing him to collapse.

 D. Crusher is able to restore memories to the crew. The alien is identified as a Satarran, who are at war with the Lysians so they plotted to hijack the Enterprise and tilt the war in their favor.

 Riker remains uneasy when he encounters Troi and Ro in the Ten Forward bar. Troi claims his actions resulted from subconscious desires and curtly informs him that "if you're still confused tomorrow, you know where my office is."

Review:

Compared to “Future Imperfect” and “Clues”, this episode is a better use of the concept of amnesia to throw our characters a curve ball because it’s using it more extensively.  “Future Imperfect” didn’t really use amnesia per se; it was just an excuse to explain why Riker couldn’t remember an ideal-ish future that was actually a holodeck program of sorts.  Likewise, “Clues” only erased memories covering a very short space of time. In this episode, who the characters are gets shoved right out the mental airlock, and it’s fun to see how they try and work their way back to themselves.  The change in the Ro-Riker relationship that creates a love triangle between the two of them and Troi is probably the most amusing concept out of the lot, albeit a predictable use of the whole ‘sexual attraction disguised as antagonism’ cliché if you go by the pre-amnesia relationship between Riker and Ro.

 The biggest problem is the addition of the alien who claims to be Commander MacDuff; just by his presence alone combined with the amnesia, you know the two will be linked, and the solution is given away pretty much the moment the fake mission gets revealed.  There’s no climax or suspense, and most of the characters return to who they should be despite a lack of memories too quickly.  As a result, the more interesting use of amnesia is undermined by this less-than-brilliant execution.  For me, the episode only racks up an end score of 7 out of 10.

Episode 15: Power Play

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise approaches Mab-Bu VI, a moon covered in electromagnetic storms, from where it has detected a distress call. Lt. Commander Data discovers that the distress call is standard for Daedalus-class starships, which went out of service 172 years ago. He then finds that the USS Essex, a Daedalus-class ship, was lost in the region over 200 years ago. After concluding that visiting a ghost ship with an away team in such hazardous conditions is a waste of resources, Captain Picard decides to move on and report the whereabouts of the once-missing ship. However, Counsellor Troi indicates that she feels a living presence on the surface. Data announces that electromagnetic interference prevent the use of the transporter to the moon; Picard authorizes a shuttlecraft mission, manned by Commander Riker, Data, and Troi.

 As the shuttlecraft travels towards the moon's surface, the crew loses control, and makes a crash landing. By the time the shuttle lands, all communication with the Enterprise has been cut off by electromagnetic interference. Riker has a broken arm due to the crash landing and the three crew members emerge from the shuttlecraft to learn about their surroundings. They observe the front of a massive electrical storm. A tricorder scan indicates EM bursts across the entire spectrum.

 Back on the Enterprise, the crew discuss rescuing the crew of the shuttle. Ro Laren uses the descent angle of the shuttlecraft to approximate the landing site. Transporter chief Miles O'Brien proposes that he should transport to the surface and use a pattern-enhancing device to allow a reliable transport of the away team. Lt. Commander La Forge cautions Picard that O'Brien's chance of surviving the transport is about fifty-fifty. O'Brien acknowledges the risk and Picard grants permission. O'Brien safely transports to Mab-Bu VI and prepares the transport procedure. While doing this, the crew is struck by what appear to be bolts of electricity, incapacitating all four members. Three light sources enter the bodies of Data, Troi, and O'Brien, and Riker awakens to finish the pattern buffers. All four are then safely transported back to the Enterprise.

 When they awaken, Data, Troi, and O'Brien insist that the Enterprise conduct a survey of the southern polar region of the moon. The rest of the crew refuse. The three then stage a violent uprising and take command of the ship. They use hostages as leverage to force Picard to change course. Dr Crusher determines that Riker was not affected because the pain from his broken arm repelled whatever force possessed the others. Troi, the leader of the mutineers, then reveals that she is the captain of the Essex. She claims that their spirits were trapped in the electromagnetic fields of the moon and if the Enterprise transports their bones back to Earth, they can be set free. However, Picard is sceptical of her claim because of their violent actions.

 La Forge, Crusher, and Ro devise a plan to separate the possessive entities from the crew members' bodies by inducing pain, then containing them by flooding the area with a particle field. However, the plan fails when Data suddenly moves out of the attack area. After Data threatens to kill everyone in the room, Picard agrees to comply with their demands. He tells Riker to let Data, Troi, and O'Brien move safely to one of the cargo bays. Picard, Worf, and Keiko O'Brien accompany them as hostages. After they arrive, Picard challenges Troi about her claim to be captain of the Essex and she reveals that the moon is a penal colony. O'Brien uses the transporter to beam hundreds of other prisoner entities into the cargo bay. These prisoners are to take over additional crew members' bodies so they can commandeer the Enterprise and return to their home planet.

 The bridge crew activates the particle field, which sequesters the other prisoners. They then prepare to blow the cargo bay hatch, which would kill the six crew members in addition to all the prisoners. Picard, Worf, and Keiko each declare that they are willing to die, which forces the three prisoners to relinquish their hosts. Worf beams all prisoners back to the moon. Data apologizes to Worf for the way he acted when possessed by a prisoner, adding that Worf must have exercised extreme self-control to not fight back. O’Brien is joyfully reunited with his wife and baby daughter.

Review:

This episode stands out for being ‘that one where Marina Sirtis did her own stunt and broke her coccyx’, as well as being perhaps an early prototype for the ‘make O’Brien suffer’ episodes of DS9 fame. Him revealing that he’d have killed the entity possessing him if he could, taken in context with how much O’Brien hates the Cardassians for forcing him to kill when he had to fight in the Federation-Cardassian war, shows this couldn’t have been an easy experience for the character.  However, aside from that, it’s another example of ‘actors playing their characters weird for weirdness’ sake, and again the solution is given away early.  The weird energy going into Data, Troi and O’Brien practically screams possession by an alien consciousness, Data’s actions afterwards telegraph the mutiny ahead of time, and if the behaviour of the possessing entities didn’t scream desperate escaping prisoners, I don’t know what does. For me, this episode is only worth 5 out of 10.

[nerdynformed-blog]

Logan is a superhero movie - Part II: the ‘superheroism’ in Logan

I am going to try to be more concise this time around, I promise. This is going to take more parts than I originally planned. I am currently looking at 4 parts total: Part I was about what a superhero movie is. Now in Part II I will try to show that Logan is a superhero and the movie actually concentrates on that more than we might have noticed. Part III is going to be about how the movie uses that and to what effect. Finally, Part IV will be why superhero movies matter and why we need more good ones.

Even if you have not read Part I (and why would you), what I am going to talk about here is not hard to follow. Basically, you just have to know three things:

A)     Superhero is not a movie genre. It is a subject and a kind of character that movies of any genre can and should explore to different effects.

B)      A superhero movie is therefore a movie of any genre that centers itself on a character endowed by the traits that define a superhero.

C)      The way the movie explores the subject defines the kind of movie it is.

(now that I am writing this, I see that I really could’ve been more concise in Part I - if you still whant to read it, you can click this link: https://nerdynformed.tumblr.com/post/158824439050/loganisasuperheromoviepart1).

With that in mind, le me just talk about how the superhero traits not only appear, but also are prevalent in Logan. They are in fact the main subject. The movie is a drama about the redemption of a fallen superhero: how it happens and why it is important.

So if you think that Logan is not a superhero movie, read own.

Lets talk about justice, secret identities, superpowers, uniforms and the ‘X’ factor.

 Motivation

As I said before, a superhero (like the cowboys and detectives) fights for what is right not in service of (and sometimes despite) a higher authority, but following his own moral instincts.

It is not a behavior that he has to perform since the beginning of the story – some of the best stories are about the learning of that behavior through example, empowerment or even trauma.

Now, in the beginning, Logan only agrees to help Laura in exchange of money. Many American hero (see Part I) stories actually begin like that. Towards the end of the movie, however, his motivations change to the point that he refuses to take the money. His motivation becomes helping her and her friends/family. In the final showdown, he even dies doing that.

The entire internal journey of the character in this movie is the rediscovering of this motivation – heroism. It is not the first “superhero return story” movie out there, but it might be the best one we have so far. He begins jaded, cynic and having given up, but ends up living his most super-heroic moment right before dying. He reembraces the most important part of himself.

He is not just fighting for a group, but protecting innocent children from evil doers – just look at the people he is facing. They are your typical super-villains: immoral mercenaries working with an evil scientist that creates evil clones and does experiments in children.

In the end of the day, that is what the movie is on its surface: a lone man, fighting to protect innocent people against the actions of evil agents.

Plus, the fact that this is not another “will he save the world” superhero movie is GREAT. Fewer movies should do that scenario. A superhero doesn’t have to save the world, just save someone. But I digress.

 Double identity

Logan not only has a double identity, he has a secret one.

It is just a very badly kept secret. He is flying low so people don’t recognize him as the Wolverine, as an X-Men (X-Man? Ex-X-Me? Ex-X-Man?). Not only that, but there is a clear distinction between his “human” and super personas.

One is a limousine driver down on his luck and just trying to survive and getting a way out. He has some very human worries. He doesn’t have money, he needs to keep his father figure medicated, he wants to buy a way out of it.

During the movie he alternates between fighting “the bad guys” and pretending to be just a normal person – he even dines with a family at their farm pretending to be Charles’ son and Laura’s father. In that moment, he is living a fake identity and giving excuses to cover up his superheroic quest. That is what most superheroes do.

He is not just someone pretending to be someone else. Sure, he hides his superhero side, but his “normal” persona is not even that fabricated: there are references to his past as a bad student and his relationship with Xavier is actually an honest depiction of the real thing. It is a real part of him.

His super persona is also present and important throughout the movie. “Wolverine” doesn’t just reemerges in the end, but is constantly haunting him, since before the movie even begun. He tries to keep it in the past, but it is such a big part of him that he can’t. Again, the return of this super persona in the last minute is what the movie is all about.

I have to mention something. The theme of a superhero trying to keep his identity in the past but ultimately failing to do so is reminiscent of my favorite graphic novel of all times – The Dark Knight Returns.

 Superpowers

Now let’s talk about the superpowers. One of my favorite thing is how they dealt with that in the movie. His powers are not only showed in an array of ways and functions in the movie, but they play a more than significant role in the narrative and character development.

First we see them failing: his claws jam and his healing factor is too slow. His powers are older and more tired. That does not keep him from using them time and time again – in almost every fight, honestly.

Near the end of the movie, he takes some drugs and we see him in his old powerful self – clawing, fighting and healing violently fast. Finally, right before the movie ends, his powers scale down again so we can see him face the odds without the enhancement.

The powers demonstrate how much of who and what he is he cannot avoid. Using his powers is an instinct. It is part of him. They show his innate violence, the decrease of his resilience and, ironically, how weaker he feels now.

Not only that, his powers play other roles. The adamantium in his bones (kind of a superpower if you ask me) is maybe what is killing him. His strongest and scariest antagonist has the same powers and in a much better shape. And the enemy is only defeated with his personal break-the-glass-to-commit-suicide kryptonite: the adamantium bullet.

His powers are what initially connect him to Laura – the first evidence that they are related. Laura plays a commentary in the figure of the sidekick and the powers help the movie do that.

On that note, when they fight Evilverine, they do it together. Sure, the other kids help, but is the cooperation between the two that becomes the high point of the fight.

You have three people with the same powers: a kid, a tired Old Man and an evil terminator. That kind of conflict between similar powers has appeared sometimes in movies and is a common trope in comic books – and for a good reason.

It brings more risk and raises stakes so we can be worried about a character that seemed so powerful. It inverts the feeling of security the superpowers bring when we see the hero wield them, especially when the villain is more able with them.

This scene also shows how cooperation can be the defining factor in a conflict, once Laura and Logan are weaker than the villain.

Almost every character is affected by their superpowers, some in very original way. It is why the kids were created and are being persecuted. Caliban is captured and tortured so he will use his powers and track Logan. Xavier has become an impossible to calculate liability because of the combination of his superpowers with something that is very human: mental disease.

Superpowers are not some superficial decoration: they are the most important character elements, and they all say something about the human condition. But that is for Part III.

 Uniform

Finally, the uniform. Oh, you got me there, right? Wolverine doesn’t wear a uniform. Yeah, we have the yellow uniform shown in the comics they read, but he never wears it. And we don’t even see the black uniforms from the previous movies.

Well… what if I tell you that he does use an uniform in this movie? What if I tell you, that the uniform he uses is the same he uses most of the time in his other movies? It’s not yellow nor is it black.

Think about it: what are his most famous, cosplayed and recognizable garments? Well, two things.

First of all: the beard and the hair. That is a look that should look ridiculous in any actor by any standards and the guy still pulls it off every time. Only Wolverine wears that. I most movies and even comics, that is the constant in his appearance.

And yeah, it is not a mask, but think about how many superheroes do not wear masks, even if they have secret identities. You can see this hairstyle in anyone and it will be the Wolverine hairstyle.

Ok, but it is just half of it.

The second part is of the uniform: a pair of jeans and white sleeveless shirt.

Yes, everyone remembers that look. It appears in so many important moments to the character, although not always in the best movies. Since the yellow uniform doesn’t appear in the movies, what do you think is more recognizable? The shirt and jeans or the black bodysuit?

Before you say that doesn’t count, think about it: the Punisher and America Chaves wear apparently civil clothes and no masks. However, they do that so consistently that it works like a uniform.

Now, this “uniform” doesn’t just appear in the movie, but it has a very specific function.

To understand it, look at how the movie shows the look to us. It doesn’t appear in the trailers, so we don’t expect it going in. Most of the movie, he doesn’t wear it. His hair and beard are different, just as his clothes.

It is because then he is not a hero again yet. He is hiding and, most of all, suppressing his heroic identity. So Clark Kent puts on the glasses and never takes them off again. That is a uniform not being used.

In a similar way, some superhero movies and series wait until the hero is fully realized or the final fight to show him or her in uniform. We have some movies and series in which they do that and it works for the best – the Netflix Daredevil is a good example.

It is only after his motivations change that he starts to wear both parts of his. The kids shave him and mess with his hair exactly because they know how the Wolverine should look like.

Finally, he wears this uniform only to the last and most important conflict. Then, he is juiced up and doing the same moves we recognize from previous movies, filmed in a way that reminds us of some old Wolverine action sequences.

That is when he is Wolverine again. Same hair, beard, shirt and powers. He is still wearing it when he faces Evilverine and he dies. That is his final “suit”, and it dresses him well.

 Bonus: the X marks the spot

Finally, we have one of the most impactful moments in the movie, that had many people crying and I will not tell you if I did. It was surprisingly unexpected and, against all odds, it was done in a very dramatic motion and in very good taste.

Laura picks up the improvised cross on his grave and turns it into a X.

That is the last piece, the final confirmation. Only X-Men wear that X. It is the iconic, unmistakable symbol of a superhero. And he has earned it back.

In his final rest, he will forever wear the sign that marks: here lies a superhero.

 So, I hope you liked that.

As you can see, this is not just a movie with superhero tropes tossed here and there. The superhero figure defines the narrative and permeates the emotional response the movie gets.

Part III will be about how this movie uses those traits to create drama, emotion, tell a story about redemption and all that stuff – so we can begin to understand why superheroes are a great material for that. Hope you like it. Hope someone reads it, actually…

 And remember, stay nerdly informed.

[violasmirabiles]

RULES: Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you. (Unless you are a rule breaker, breaking that rule.) (i’m a massive rule breaker but we all knew that already)

I was tagged by the ever lovely @blackboard-monitor thank u darling xxxx

1) If it were possible for you to sign up on a mission to go to one of the new habitable planets NASA just discovered, would you? Why/why not? > i mean probably not because im scared of everything and that includes travelling to space 

2) Do you keep a diary or a journal, or have you kept one in the past? > I mean sorta? im trying to get back into writing poetry and its not been the easiest journey and my writing is pretty personal anyway and sometimes it definitely turns into a diary entry or a few. my last year’s writing was pretty much just straight up diary entries all the way through and it kinda pissed me off bc aaaaaaaaaaa i did come up w ok stuff in ‘15. also also i kept a pretty consistent diary almost every day in middle school (lmao yläaste) but somehow just....kinda stopped when high school started. ive thrown the diaries away since and now im pissed off at myself cos of that. i do remember i was rather pretentious n angsty teenager n definitely was depressed although not as badly as ive been later. i also remember writing about the Realization of reading the brief description of depression and anxiety in the health ed textbook n the anxiety description being pretty much 100% me. the depression one was like 70% me.

3) Do you have a favourite visual artist? Who?  > me lately ive been in love w egon schiele’s style but my all-time favorite is gallen-kallela. also tove jansson man i wanna live in her art

4) What kind of YouTube videos do you like to watch? What channels are you subscribed to?  > dont rly know tbh. like funny ones, weird ones, the cute animal videos, n of course when im drunk as hell at 2 a.m. youll find me laughing my ass off at some stupid fuckin sinätuubapaska. also im not subscribed to any channels 

5) What’s your favourite thing about your appearance?  > my lips! i absolutely love my lips

6) What’s your favourite thing about your personality?  > i’d like to think of myself as a caring n kind person but i suck at replying to messages n thinking of stuff to say when ppl r distressed. but man do i care. i care so much. ive so much love to give n i love it 

7) Have you ever been in an ambulance? If you have, why?  > nope

8) Outside of your nuclear family, who’s your favourite relative? We all have one, don’t pretend you don’t :D  > it’s no secret whatsoever that my maternal grandma - the only grandparent i have left, in fact - is my absolute favorite relative. she has such a wonderful sense of humor n we get along so well n shes always so wonderfully supportive, like when i first came out as bi n now that im in DepressionHell(tm). i love her so so much. also her bro who’s ten years younger than her is a v cool dude i think he’s like my second favorite relative outside of my nuclear family

9) What’s your favourite place to swim? (ocean, lake, river, pool, hate swimming etc)  > pool but lbr a summer isnt a summer if u dont swim in a lake at least once

10) Name three favourite flowers.  >  wood violet (i think thats what it’s called in english? anyway metsäorvokki), tiger lily, common hepatica (sinivuokko????? im like eternally confused abt plant names in english what the fuk)

11) Pretend you believe in reincarnation. What would you most like to come back as?  > ev’rybody wants to be a cat / because a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at