#i think i contradicted myself multiple times lol idek

[peachiyyy]

I dont know if this will make any sense but ive been dressing up and wearing makeup consistently these past few months as a way to present myself as OK despite having actual suicidal and unhinged thoughts/urges. I used makeup as a form of escapism to distract myself from every bad thing happening in my life. I was fine without makeup beforehand but then when things started going downhill, I forced myself to believe that vanity was the only thing that truly mattered and as long as I look good, all will be okay. Actually external validation and beauty means nothing bc they’re not solving my problems or stopping the self harming/suicidal tendencies. They’re temporary and only feels so good. I used to love being complimented on my looks and thrive off the validation I got from it (and to an extent, I obviously still do) until I realized that validation means nothing. Cliche but being valued and loved and cared for means so much more. I grew up with a lot of deep rooted insecurities and hating the way I looked and crying over every single flaw I had so the only thing I ever wanted was validation. I’m not saying that I only look beautiful with makeup on- because that’s not true, I love the look of my bare face and feel comfortable in it. I walk outside and wear my face proudly compared to when I was younger. But that’s not the point. This post isnt meant to be about makeup and its affect on people etc etc. I don’t even think I know what the point of this post is im just writing whatever come sto mind. I guess what im trying to say is that I’ve been using things that I love as a form of escapism to the point that they are no longer things that I love doing. I think I hate doing them now. Joking about being vain did a little too much damage on me. I did the things that I thought would make me happy and gave me the reactions that I wanted but it doesn’t feel good. It feels draining. None of this matters if I can’t find happiness within myself or success. None of it makes waking up feel good. It’s just a facade. “Being vain is how I cope💋” is just another way of me saying that im extremely suicidal and have insecurities that i cant escape so ill pretend to be something else