#PLEASE continue to discuss each character's flaws and decisions though!! all i ask is that you keep it respectful

[softpine]

whoever the anon is that constantly finds a way to hate on elaine, please stop 😭 you’re entitled to dislike whoever you want, but it’s getting tiring to hear. i don’t want to block you because the other things you say are perfectly reasonable and i would be happy to answer them, but it’s clear at this point that nothing elaine does will satisfy you so i see no point in hashing it out

[mareenavee]

Writerly (And Artistic) Thumbprint Challenge!

I was tagged by the lovely @hannahcbrown to try this out!

Rules: look back on your work, both past and present, finished and unfinished. what are five (or more!) narrative elements, themes, topics or tropes that continuously pop up in your work?

I'm gonna tag a few fine feathered folks for this, and let them circulate it out to the rest of the mutuals and see what we can come up with :3

Tagging: @paraparadigm, @changelingsandothernonsense, @friend-of-giants, @oblivions-dawn, @thana-topsy, @saltymaplesyrup, @thequeenofthewinter, @rhiannon1199, @tallmatcha, @airiat, @the-storytellers-seer, @orfeoarte -- and more. If you are not tagged, please, do absolutely consider yourself tagged and tag me back. And always tag the mutuals even if they've already been tagged. Pile on the tags so we can all see the cool stuff we each come up with. (:

Under the cut for some observations.

I have written a lot over the years and most of it is not fic, but here is what I can observe from original, fic, poetry and nonfiction. These are in no particular order, though I saved the best for last.

Identity I like to write about what makes a person themselves. A lot of my early spoken word poetry talked about body image and how to exist in a world like ours as a person who is not considered thin. Some of my favorite nonfiction pieces discussed what it was like to be a college student working retail and being recognized as other-than-a-retail-worker in public and how identity shifts between roles. In my fic, I explore a few things like what makes a hero a hero? Who are you when change/fate/destiny upends everything you've ever known? How do you become the person you're supposed to be?

Strength Especially in a lot of my fic, posted or otherwise, I think this crops up perhaps almost as much as identity. What does it mean to be strong? What sort of events do we weather and get to the other side of it? For who are we strong? Is being strong the same as being brave? What kinds of strength do we need in our daily lives and how does it affect our decisions? In the fic, we see a lot of the strength to overcome adversity by nature of the quest. But we also see, which dives into another point, the strength to forgive, the strength to confront ourselves for our behavior, and the strength to move forward, even when it hurts.

Friendship Ah, the power of friendship :> But no, even in a lot of my fic WIP ideas and fragments, there's a lot to be said of relationships within fiction that show different kinds of love and support than what is expected of a certain pairing or tag. There are a ton of different expressions of love, and I think one of the most underutilized is strong, solid friendships. This also incorporates found family or portraying a group of people who have decided against all odds that they will go out of their way for one another regardless of circumstances. When I write good friendships, I do it because it reminds me irl that we are worthy of this kind of support and we are capable of giving this kind of support, and not everything has to be as one-dimensional as popular media can sometimes show. Fic is the perfect place to explore it because it's decoupled from marketing, generally, and we don't have to worry too much about what sells (: So I lean into it where and when I can.

Mistakes This one is kind of rather broad. I could have listed specific kinds of mistakes but then we'd be here forever LOL but suffice to say I do write flawed characters that don't always know the next right thing. In my poetry, I talked about the mistakes I've made and observed in my time. I have given some of the mistakes I've made and observed to my characters in original and especially in World. Part of this category though is asking the question of how do these mistakes affect others? What does it take to forgive? Can they be forgiven, and why or why not? Is the character flaw so deep that there is no redemption for them? Are there certain kinds of mistakes that change who a person is completely? What is the cost of forgiveness? There's a lot to play with in this category without even having to get down to specifics. :>

Hope This is my favorite thing to write into any of my work ever. Perhaps because real life can be so very difficult and can seem so very bleak sometimes. Combined with everything above, I absolutely write hope into things, even if my stories seem rather bleak at the outset. For World, all of my POV characters have bits and pieces of tragedies that I have had to endure in my life and it's extremely cathartic to see them get through their drama, hardship, grief, self-inflicted chaos, and other things. Because it reminds me that there is hope yet for this place, if there is hope in their world. It is a form of healing for me to put them in situations they can get out of. So hope. The most important theme, I think, for my writing. (:

[michaels-blackhat]

thoughts on evil Forrest 😈

We are going to start out by apologizing. This is very very late. I’m sure when you sent this ask, you meant it to be in the same joking tone that I approach all of my other propaganda posts. Sadly, this is actually going to be a deep dive into a few Evil Forrest related things, including the moment I feel they changed directions, the perfect wasted build-up, and the implications of the change/how it then negatively impacted the story. As I’m sure you already know, by being on my blog at all, I don’t think the story was good to begin with, so we are going to focus on the weird hoops they made themselves jump through to make that story still work. Additionally, I am only going to mention once, right now, how much of a waste it was to not have Forrest ‘fall for his mark’ and complete one of my absolute favorite tropes. Honestly, I think “because I want it” is a completely valid reason to like Evil Forrest. But, the question was “Thoughts on Evil Forrest” and these thoughts have been developing for over a year and a half. So, I apologize in advance.

The majority of this is under a cut, with highlights in the abstract. If no one wants to read this, I understand completely. Go ahead, skip it.

Note: it pains me greatly to not actually have full sources for this essay. Just know that in my heart I am using proper APA citations, I just absolutely do not feel like digging through tweets to find sources to properly cite.

Abstract:

Previous research indicates that Roswell New Mexico has a history of repeating excuses to explain mid-season changes to plots. This essay explores how those excuses are not only loads of crap, but how they hinder the show’s ability to tell a coherent story, misuse the multiple-plot structure to enhance the themes being explored, and lead to decisions that mean the show continuously goes over budget. This also means that characters are not used to their full potential and has led to what some fans consider to be “out of character” behaviors. While these behaviors are not universally agreed on, evidence can be shown that these behaviors directly contradict emotionally important character arc/plot points in the show.

The author of this paper acknowledges that the show took some strides to mend this problem. However, once again no consensus could be found on whether Forrest was a low-level member of Deep Sky and thus just allowed to fuck off on a bus, or his job was recruitment because he did a piss poor job of making Alex not join.

The concept of Evil Forrest has been with the fandom as early as New York Comic Con (NYCC) in 2019, when it was revealed that Alex had a new “blue-haired love interest”. Speculation abounded within the fandom, with some people, including the author, going “yeah, he’s evil” while others rejoiced in the concept of Alex having a loving partner. Speculation increased as fans discussed Tyler Blackburn’s seeming disinterest in his new love interest, prompting some once again to scream “EVIL” at the top of their lungs to anyone who would listen. Very little was revealed, beyond the fact that the new character would show up somewhere around episode 3 of the second season.

Episode 2.04 aired with some commenting on how he barely interacted with Alex- prompting more evil speculation- and others excited to see the characters interact more. The character appears again in 2.06, where he invites Alex to dubious spoken word poetry (which Alex attends); 2.08, where they have a paintball date and go to The Wild Pony; 2.10, where the two are seen writing together briefly at the beginning of the episode; and 2.13, where Alex performs his song at open mic night, tells Forrest his relationship with the person in the song was long over, and they kiss. Forrest was not revealed to be evil during season 2.

Amidst the season airing, Word of God via Twitter post announced that yes, Forrest had originally been planned as a villain, though not the main villain, but it was changed as filming progressed.

The Word of God Twitter post revealed that Forrest had originally been planned as a villain, but they decided that they could not make their “blue-haired gay man” a villain. This mirrors a similar situation and excuse used the previous season, where the character of Jenna Cameron was originally planned to work with Jesse Manes against the aliens, before it was changed because they just “loved Riley [the actress] too much”. Both of these examples occurred while already filming and reflect on a larger problem with the show. Though not the topic of this essay, it is important to note that both characters are white, both in the show and by virtue of being played by white actors. The fact that they couldn’t be villains for one reason or another is not a courtesy extended to the male villains who are all the most visibly brown, and thus ‘other’, members of the cast.

This also highlights the fact that, via Twitter, it has been revealed two other times that occurrences that were reported in season 1 also occurred in season 2. During the airing of episode 1.02, it was revealed that the single best build-up of tension in the show- when Alex walks to the Airstream not saying a word to Michael after a dramatic declaration- happened because one actor was sick at the time and they had to go back and film the kisses later. At the point of airing for episode 2.08, it was revealed that one of the actors were sick and unable to film a kissing scene. Allegedly, this caused the writers to retool the entire scene and deviate from the plan to make that subplot about Coming Out. The execution of this subplot will be explored later in this essay.

The last occurrence revealed via Twitter also revealed larger issues within the show: lack of planning and poor budgeting. During the airing of season 1, Tyler Blackburn was needed for an extra episode beyond his contracted 10. A full explanation was never given, but speculation about poor planning and to fill in because Heather Hemmens had to miss one of her 10 episodes due to scheduling conflicts for another project. During the airing of season 2, yet another tweet came out saying they made a mistake and Tyler would once again be in an additional episode. No explanations beyond “a mistake” were given, though once again speculation occurred. It is the opinion of the author that this was due to changing plot points over halfway through writing, while episodes were already in production. It has been speculated by some that these changes occurred during the writing of 2.08, which was being finished/pre-production was occurring roughly around the time of NYCC 2019.

Previous Literature:

A brief look at different theories of plots and subplots

Many people have written on the subject of plotting, for novels and screen alike. The author is more familiar with film writing than tv, but a lot of the concepts carry over. Largely, the B- and C- (and D- and E-… etc) plots should reinforce the theme of the A-plot. This can be through the use of a negative example, where the antithesis of the theme is explored to reinforce the theme presented by the A plot, or through other examples of the theme, generally on a small scale.

A movie example of this would be Hidden Figures (2016), where the A-plot explores how race and gender impact the main character (Katherine Johnson) in her new job. The B-plots explore the other characters navigating the same concepts in different settings and ways- learning a new skill as to not become obsolete and breaking boundaries there (Dorothy Vaugn) and being the first black woman to complete a specific degree program and the fight it took to get there (Mary Jackson). A TV example that utilizes this concept of plot and theme is the 911 shows. Each of the rescues in a given episode will directly relate to the overall theme of the episode and the overall plot for the focus character. This example is extremely blunt. It does not use any tools to hide the connection, to the point you can often guess the outcome for that A-plot fairly quickly.

This is not the only way to explore themes within visual media. Moonlight (2016) looks at three timestamps in the life of Chiron. Each timestamp has a plot even if they feel more like individual scenes or moments rather than plots as some are more used to in films. Each time stamp deals with rejection, isolation, connection, and acceptance in different ways. So while there is no clear A-, B-, or C-Plot, each time stamp works as their own A-Plot to explore the themes in a variety of ways, particularly by starting out in a place of rejection and moving to acceptance or a place of connection to isolation.

Please note that there are many ways to write multiple plots, there are just two examples.

While there are flaws within season 1 of RNM, overall the themes stayed consistent throughout the season, mainly the theme of alienation. The theme threads through the Alien’s isolation/alienation from humanity which is particularly seen through Michael’s unwillingness to participate and Isobel’s over participation. There is Rosa’s isolation from others, how her friendship with “Isobel” ended up compounding her existing alienation from her support system due to her mental illness and coping mechanisms. We see how Max and Liz couldn’t make connections. This theme presented itself over and over in season 1. While this essay is not an exploration of the breakdown of themes in season 2, it should be noted that there were some threads that followed throughout the season. The theme of mothers/motherhood was woven throughout season 2, with some elements more effective than others. Please contact the author for additional thoughts on Helena Ortecho and revenge plots.

One of the largest problems within season 2 was the sheer number of plots jammed into the season. These plot threads often ended up hindering the effectiveness of the themes and made the coherence of the season suffer. Additionally, a lot of them were convoluted and difficult to follow.

Thesis:

Essentially, season 2 was a mess. To look at it holistically is almost an exercise in futility. Either you grow angry about the dropped plots and premises, you hand wave them off, or you fill them in for yourself. Instead, this essay proposes to look at individual elements to explain why Forrest should have stayed evil.

We first meet Forrest in 2.04 when he is introduced on the Long Family Farm, which we later learn was the location where our past alien protagonists had their final standoff. He’s introduced. He’s largely just there. The audience learns he has more of a history with Michael. In 2.06, we meet him again with his dog Buffy (note: poor Buffy has not been seen again and we miss a chunky queen). There’s mild flirting, Alex is invited to an open mic night, which he attends. For the purpose of this essay, the author’s thoughts on the poetry will not be expressed. Readers can take a guess.

It is after this point that the author speculates the Decision was made. This choice to make Forrest not evil- paired with the aforementioned ‘can’t kiss, someone’s sick’- impacted the plot. We have Alex have a scene with his father- which the author believes could have been pushed to a different episode- and then have Alex go on a date and then not kiss Forrest at the end of the night. Here, the audience sees Forrest hit Alex in the leg, allegedly not knowing he had lost his leg despite ‘looking him up’, which parallels the shot to the leg that happens to Charlie. Besides wasting this ABSOLUTELY TEXTBOOK SET UP WTF, it also takes Alex away from the main plot and then forces a new plot for him. Up to this point, Alex’s plot was discovering more about the crash and his family’s involvement. Turning Alex’s date from a setup for evil Forrest to a Coming Out story adds yet another plot thread to a packed season. It is also the author’s thought that this is where the convoluted kidnapping plot comes in. With Forrest already in 2.10 for a moment, a plot where Alex is evil has Forrest attack him for Deep Sky rather than Jesse abduct him for a piece of alien glass Alex was going to give him anyway and then for Flint to abduct Alex from Jesse. It’s messy. In a bad way. Evil Forrest would have been a cleaner set up: no taking back a piece of alien glass Alex gave to Michael in a touching moment. No double abduction. Instead, there is only Forrest, who Alex trusts, breaking that trust to take him as leverage over Michael.

Implications:

Now, Alex has two plots (Tripp & Coming Out). The Coming Out plot is largely ineffective, as they are only relevant to scenes with Forrest and have the undercurrent of there only being a certain acceptable way to be out. This could have been used for Alex to discover his comfort levels, mirroring Isobel’s self discovery, but there was not enough screen time for that. Additionally, Isobel’s coming out story was about her allowing herself the freedom to explore. Alex’s story was about the freedom to… act like this dude wanted him to. Alex’s internalized homophobia played out often in the series but it was also informed by the violence he experienced at Jesse’s hands and the literal hate crime he and his high school boyfriend experienced. With that in mind, the “kissing to piss off bigots” line comes off poorly. This is a character who experienced what a pissed off bigot could do- reluctance to kiss in public is not the same as not being out. There is more to be said on this topic, but as it is not actually the focus of the essay, it will be put on hold. To surmise: Alex’s coming out is attempted to be framed as being himself, but it is actually the conformity to someone else’s ideals. It does not work as an antithetical to Isobel’s story, as the framing indicates that the conformity/right was to be out contradicts Isobel’s theme.

Further Research:

MAKE FORREST EVIL YOU COWARDS

Author Acknowledgements:

The author of this paper acknowledges that the show took some strides to mend this problem. However, once again no consensus could be found on whether Forrest was a low-level member of Deep Sky and thus just allowed to fuck off on a bus, or his job was recruitement because he did a piss poor job of making Alex not join.

[sirenprincess15]

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 14

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: Tension continues between Aleksander and Alina as she tries to figure out who he truly is and what's real.

Chapter 14

“Where’s the girl?”

Aleksander cringed at Baghra’s voice. He didn’t want to remember this.

“Your sun summoner?”

He whimpered. He couldn’t say the word. Tears flooded his eyes. “Please …”

“Dead?

A guttural cry escaped him. “She died because I couldn’t protect her. I tried. I tried, but she wouldn’t let …”

“She died because she rejected who you are. If you weren’t so awful, maybe she could have trusted you, maybe she would have stayed.”

Aleksander awoke with a gasp. He struggled to catch his breath as he realized he was still lying on Alina’s chest. Safe. Her heart was still beating.

She said nothing as she soothingly ran her fingers through his hair to give him time to calm back down from his nightmare. He appreciated it because he needed it. He reminded himself to focus on her breathing. His head throbbed from drinking too much kvas with Fedyor the night before. He couldn’t think. How did he find the words to make her trust him again so that his worst nightmares wouldn’t come true?

At some point, the quiet just gave him more time to worry, though. Could Alina ever possibly forgive him? Would she turn on him now that she knew the truth? Could she find it in her to love him again? Would she choose the tracker? Would she still help him protect Grisha if she turned on him? How long did he have to still have her in his life? It was almost like wondering how long he would have air, but really, it was sunshine.

He wanted to stay in her arms forever, but he could not remain trapped in his thoughts anymore. “Do you want to go to breakfast together?” His voice was hoarse from sleepiness, at least that’s what he told himself. “Or we could have it brought here?”

“Thank you, but I will be spending the day with Mal.” Her chin jutted out as if she were daring him to fight that pronouncement.

“I see.” He sighed. Was this all he would get? A few hours of sleep with her? He would certainly take it over nothing, but why did she want to go be with the tracker? That idiot had always taken her for granted, done nothing to help with her self-esteem … Aleksander ground his teeth to stop himself from pointing out all of the tracker’s flaws.

“Are you good now?” she asked as she rose from the bed and went over to their shared closet.

“Thank you for letting me sleep.”

She started to dress and did nothing to hide her beautiful body from his gaze. Perhaps this was payback for his stripping in front of her the night before. Perhaps she wanted him to stare with longing as maybe she had? Or maybe she found the idea of covering up in front of each other just as awkward as he had. Then he saw what she was putting on.

Blue.

It was an arrow straight through his heart, and it hurt every bit as much as one. He knew that pain all too well from experience. “You will not be wearing that today,” he commanded.

“I will be wearing whatever I choose.” Her eyes stared right into his for a long moment, almost like a staring content, and then she went back to buttoning the blue kefta.

“Why?” He was desperate to understand her reasoning as he tried to hold together his composure.

“I like blue, very me, don’t you think?”

“Are you trying to torture me?” He gave up on trying to appear commanding and just let the pain show in his voice. “That outfit has hurt me every time you put it on since I offered you my colors.” Rejection, over and over again. It took on a new meaning now that she had already aligned herself with him. Now, it meant she disavowed their bond and that she wanted everyone to know she was no longer his.

She tilted her head and stared at him for a long moment. “Are you going to stop me?”

Finally, he caved and shook his head. “Wear what you want.” In the end, it was an outfit, one that hurt him, but an outfit nonetheless. They had more important things to agree on like protecting Grisha and the Fold. If letting her wear blue was what made her more willing to negotiate, he could endure the pain and humiliation as everyone gossiped about her leaving him.

“Has it occurred to you that maybe I’m testing you?”

He glanced up, his eyes wide. He was an expert at analyzing people and situations and reading any room. How did she always manage to surprise him? Why could he not think clearly when it came to her? “Testing me?”

“Baghra said you wanted to make me your slave, to take away my free will. I wanted to see what you would do if I insisted on my way with something I knew you disagreed with.”

“Alina …” His mother’s words again, tearing them apart. Is that what Alina thought? That he had done things against her will? That he was willing to? “I know you are upset with me for keeping you from your old life and forcing you to focus on your new one, but besides that … did I ever do anything against your will to make you believe her? Did I … not understand your consent? Did I make you think you had to? Did I touch you when you didn’t want to or …? ” He could not live with himself if any of that was true.

She was quiet for a moment. Her eyes flicked as she seemed to sort through memories or assess their previous interactions. “Never.”

“Then, why are you even considering believing her?”

“Because you didn’t give me a chance to make those decisions with full knowledge of who you are or the situation with Mal.”

The criticism hurt. Was it fair? He was so lost in his head that he wasn’t sure anymore. “It started with needing you to trust me, but then I got to know you. Would you understand if I said I was just so excited for someone to actually care about me … even if that required hiding who I was from you so you could.” Tears filled his eyes, but he would not let them fall. “Your love was so … addictive. I guess I just wanted to pretend that you could love me. It felt good.”

“You assume you had to hide who you were from me, that I couldn’t love who you actually are. You don’t know that. You didn’t give me a chance to even figure that out.”

“I’m trying to give you that chance now.”

“I know.”

“So?”

“So I’m giving you some tests.” She shrugged. “I’m trying to figure out what’s real. I’m paying attention to if you still lie to me, hide things from me, or if you try to manipulate me.”

“If it was a test, then did I pass?”

“You’re working on it.” She walked over to him and squeezed his arm. “Try not to spend the entire day stressing. Mal and I have a lot to catch up on. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Wait,” he said, rising from the bed and grabbing her arm before she could leave. She paused and looked up at him with curiosity but a bit of apprehension. He hated that she had been convinced to fear him, even a little, again. “I can’t let you go without a guard. Don’t give me grief about that. The tracker cannot protect you from Fjerdan assassins. Fedyor will still be sleeping off the extreme amount of alcohol we consumed last night. Let’s leave Ivan to tend to him. Plus, I’m more comfortable with Ivan guarding you at night.” He didn’t want to admit out loud that it was so he could know if she slept with the tracker. “Let me take you to Inessa,” he started to suggest just as the woman stepped into the doorway of the war room.

“Ivan sent for me. He thought you might need me this morning.” Aleksander smiled. That was exactly why Ivan was second-in-command. He always thought things through.

[raziroo]

Chapter 3 | I Am Not At All Wise

Pairing: There's hints, but none

Genre: Angst?

Warnings: Overly Casual Mentions of Depression and Anxiety, Mentions of Trading of Lives

Word Count: 1,926

Author's Note: This might appear a little rushed, because I got this sudden surge of inspiration and sat down to write this and this isn't even proofread. Sorry, hehe.

‘Guys, what’s wrong with you?! This my father we’re talking about, my father! Why are you so hesitant to trade him for Lotor?’

The tense energy in the room only became even more suffocating when Pidge let that question, among others, loose like cannonballs. I was glad I was sitting even a bit away from the ongoing discussion, because the questions and not up to par answers were succeeding in making me uncomfortable. After all, the topic at hand wasn’t light at all – a topic such as trading of lives is one that questions your morals, your beliefs, literally everything you, as a person, stand for. I stared at Pidge, her absolutely enraged expression making me gulp nervously`. If Pidge didn’t get her father back now, after finding out his destination, then God knows how many shots are going to get fired at whom. And although I’m not saying that Pidge is wrong, she isn’t even right.

That’s confusing.

What I meant to say was, that although Pidge’s actions and fury and incredulousness were fully justified, it didn’t mean that we could all just nod heads in tandem and send Lotor off as some sort of pig for slaughter in exchange of Pidge’s dad. It wasn’t fair.

As my eyes lost focus, I recalled Captain America’s words – we don’t trade lives.

I snapped out of my thoughts. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t, ultimately. Heading to my room now instead of just sitting there and making myself look like an unopinionated fool wasn’t helping me anyways, and neither was Lotor’s presence a couple feet beside me.

I decided to head to my room.

After all, that was what I was best at, wasn’t it? After finally accepting that I was a time traveler and couldn’t ever see my friends or family ever again and that aliens did actually exist, and not just on Mars (wait, did aliens exist on Mars? I never asked that), all I did for a good sum of time was hide in my room. Activities except hiding in my room included roaming through the castle and running to my room as soon as I deducted any trace of intelligent life near me, being strangely intimate with the white lion – intimacy including venting about how I was probably depressed, possibly had anxiety, caressing the lioness because she’s beautiful, and nestling in her cockpit because she felt like home – and running to my room when Shiro questioned me about my connection with White.

A bit after, when I felt more reassured and had begun craving human communication, I finally emerged from my cave, only to find that some of the Paladins didn’t seem too happy with my presence. Time went on, spirits fell, only to rise once again in blazing hopes of dethroning Zarkon, and my naturally social abilities helped me blend in with the Paladins soon. A lot of the comfort I felt among the Paladins, I owed to Shiro and Hunk. Those two were literally angels, especially to me. I couldn’t count on all the fingers of the Paladins and Allura combined how may times those two, and occasionally Lance, came to offer me a hug or talk to me when I looked glum. Even Allura and Pidge talked to meif they were free. The only person I had problems interacting with was Keith. But we’d nod to each other, say our greetings, and I accepted that. I couldn’t be besties with everyone. However, mine and Keith’s communication skills only worsened and problems only increased once Shiro disappeared. Keith straight up would refuse to pilot the Black Lion, and even when he finally agreed, he was so unorganized and his decisions so rash it was costing the coalition. When Lions started becoming unstable to fight after longer, tougher battles, White was expected to fill in. After all, it was the White Lion’s purpose – to be the mind of Voltron when the Paladins couldn’t, to keep the soul, fire, water, air and flora elements in check, Allura had once said to me. Only, White needed a pilot, a Paladin. And all expectations of being White’s pilot were pinned on me, naturally, because I was the one who seemingly materialized in her cockpit out of nowhere.

I, obviously, failed to do that. Because apparently (and quite obviously, if I do say so myself) even though White warmed up the cockpit for me when I slept there and seemed to purr when I caressed her face, I wasn’t worthy enough, in her gaze, to be a Paladin. And I truly had no qualms about that. The only issue was that Keith wasn’t satisfied with that. Pidge and Lance tried to hide it, but they too, felt that I should try harder. Hunk comforted me when I accidentally let the hurt I was feeling shine through. Allura tried to convince everyone that it wasn’t my fault at all, that the Lions only accepted whom they deemed fit to Pilot them, and the reason the White Lion even was the “extra” Lion in the first place was that it was hardest than any of the other Lions to convince to be Pilot of. It was simply too calculating and cynical and choosy – and I agreed with White wholly, because stepping in as the voice of reason, as the mind of Voltron when all these worthy, noble, brave people who were specifically selected to be the defender and judge of the universe when no one else could failed to do their jobs, then you needed to be one hell of a person to be honoured with the name “White Paladin of Voltron”.

When Shiro had come back, or as he said, when Keith brought him back, the Castle seemed to light up more. I understood why he was chosen to be the soul to combine the other elements and form Voltron. I was ecstatic, perhaps happier than some of the Paladins even, but that didn’t mean I didn’t notice – or rather, didn’t choose to shrug off - his strange and simply out of character behaviour at times. I wasn’t the only one that did. It was when I voiced to White about my concerns, and she glowed – literally glowed as if in agreement did I know that shit was serious. White, as weirdly impossible as it sounds, also noticed. She knew, too, that something wasn’t right with Shiro. It was beyond me how she did, but I didn’t get to ponder on that for too long.

Why?

Because Lotor happened. He arrived as our saviour at the most unexpected moment and in the most unexpected way, and then became unpredictability, unanswered questions, and uncertainty personified for us. How many rifts and arguments he alone had caused between the Paladins was the slightest bit alarming, but justified, in my opinion. Lotor had succeeded in messing up our functioning. It didn’t matter if it was only a tad – he was the anthropomorphic form of all the flaws and hesitancies and wrongs and uncertainties in the coalition that we’d turned a blind eye to.

And now Zarkon had offered us Pidge’s dad’s freedom in exchange of Lotor, but I would be lying if I said if I wasn’t the tiniest bit worried as to just what Zarkon would do to Lotor. I know, I know, I really was no one to be straining my brain for that, since Lotor was an alien Prince who had equal chances of being good and evil, was capable of killing us all if he wished to, and had probably endured worse than his father’s wrath. But that wasn’t even the biggest issue we had. Pidge getting fired up was reasonable enough, I was aware of how emotionally driven she could become at times despite being a genius. And her brain refusing to work when her family came into play was the reason I was bothered most – even if she convinced the other Paladins to go through with the exchange, there was absolutely no surety that Zarkon would keep his part of the deal. It was legit the dumbest, most irrational thing the protagonist could do. If that happened, we’d lose both Pidge’s father, and an extremely valuable asset to the coalition.

I didn’t really realize that during my very acceptable train of self-depreciating thoughts I’d changed my route and had instinctively begun for White. I guess it was only right, as I felt more at ease there than anywhere. It was only when I reached her and stroked her, she seemed to… close in on her herself. I furrowed my brow, a small frown on my lips.

I sighed. It was probably nothing.

Relaxing my facial muscles, I closed my eyes, leaned forward, and nudged White’s snout. I jumped back with a start when instead of the usual purr or whimper, she growled at me. The crease between my brows returned with a higher intensity.

‘What is it, girl? Hmm?’ I cooed at her, not risking touching her. ‘Is something wrong? Do you not want to talk? Should I go?’

Silence was what I received in exchange.

‘My love,’ yes I called White “my love”, “girl”, have and will continue to call her “babe”, and no you cannot do jack about it. ‘You need to tell me, please,’ I continued, my voice gentle as ever, ‘how am I supposed to know what you want to say? You’ve never growled at me before. I don’t know how to interpret that gesture. Do I take it as you being upset? Angry? Sad?’ She still didn’t answer. All the life seemed to leave her.

I tilted my head. My sigh bounced off the walls.

‘The White Lion is said to be the mind of Voltron,’ a naturally assertive, deep, thunder-like voice called. I was sure I jumped at least a foot before whipping my head to where the voice resonated from. Lotor. What -?

‘Forgive me if I scared you. I thought it wise to offer some assistance; you seemed to be in need of help.’

I didn’t answer. He took it as a “yes, I need your help”. ‘The most probable reason it is not responding to your calls, is because you are contradicting what the White Lion stands for, you aren’t being wise. That is, assuming the Lion does answer you typically.’

I turned back to White, my jaw setting. My lingering suspicion turned into certainty at Lotor’s remarks.

Well. As much as I cherished my relations with White, I wasn’t going to voice my thoughts and concerns regarding the life trade. I wasn’t particularly keen on getting involved. I wasn’t the White Paladin. I wasn’t the voice of reason. I couldn’t be. This was the exact reason as to why I couldn’t be the White Paladin. I had many a thought, but didn’t always think it wise to share them with others.

Especially not when “others” included a leader that was not being himself, a princess who wanted to get rid of the Galra empire and Zarkon as soon as possible no matter the cost, and a Paladin who was going feral and becoming blind by rage at the thought of not getting her father back when she was so close.

Yes. Now definitely not.

Without sparing Lotor or White another glance, I headed to my room, for real this time. I didn’t notice both of their piercing gazes aimed at my retreating figure.

[skyblue-ringpops]

Hello -are you new here? Welcome if you are!

So your Deep Dive into Blaine Anderson is quite a lot to think about. It’s really mostly your head canon and not actually what happens in the show? Not canon?

When first introduced he becomes Kurt’s friend, who he has a crush on. He was subsequently called a mentor to him, but that’s not how we first see him. He’s just another teenager at this point, who Kurt falls in love with.

Most people don’t actually call Blaine whiny and clingy - only a small proportion of the fandom for a variety of reasons. Just like every character had their flaws and their critics. Most people like Blaine.

Blaine was a confident happy pupil at Dalton, and I don’t think he was putting on an act. But of course, there are other sides to him that we don’t see initially.

Yes, Blaine was assaulted at a Sadie Hawkins dance. Yes, he suggests on at least one occasion that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his dad. We don’t know for certain anything about Blaine’s relationship with his parents. But he does still mention them throughout the five seasons, indicating he lives with them, and that they were upset after Shooting Star.

Blaine attended prom with Kurt in season 2: it was hard for both of them, but they stood up to the bullies together. He also attended prom in season 3. So by Sadie Hawkins in 4, he rejects Tina’s proposal because he has a crush on Sam, not because of any apparent continued fear of school dances. Likewise, in Tina in the Sky with Diamonds, he’s happy to be there - he seems to have fact moved on from the assault trauma.

Do you think he had a close relationship with the Warblers? They were friends in 2, in fact they all looked up to him as charismatic lead singer who made the song choices. But they betrayed him in 3; in 4 Hunter and Sebastian tried to get him back to Dalton to secure a win at nationals, and then there was the drug issue. I’m inclined to think they were using him, and not genuine friends or family. He made his genuine friends, apart from Kurt, in season 4 at Mck.

Yes he was happy at Dalton, or so it seems. He wasn’t present when it burned down - he came back from his honeymoon to discover it had been burnt down. Yes he was upset, but bounced back quickly as the Warblers became part of the ND. A plot line really to insureBlaine had nothing to stay in Lima for, and could return to NY with Kurt. I don’t feel he was traumatised by it.

The wedding of course was Britannia’s wedding, and they had managed to get Blaine’s mum there, which was a nice touch. So the absence of dad and Cooper is not particularly shocking. And yes, there is part of deleted plot that the parents had divorced but a lot of plots were changed over the course of the show, so nothing can be gained from this.

I don’t agree Blaine raised himself. He dresses beautifully, he is beautifully mannered and follows etiquette. There must have been someone around to teach him these things. He never says his parents are not there, yes we don’t see them, and we can head canon a distant relationship, but it’s not certain. He calls his mum after SS, he is obviously close to her. He mentions them in Feud, and in Loser like Me. He has a sibling rivalry with Cooper - we don’t know how badly that affected Blaine: but Cooper does seem to care for him and be proud of him.

There’s no indication mum had a drink problem - yes she’s drunk at the wedding. Mmmm a lot of people get drunk at weddings. Santana and Quinn got drunk in I do - does that mean they have a drink problem? Blaine certainly doesn’t have a drink problem. In fact, he doesn’t drink a lot - we see him drunk on two occasions. We see several of the ND also drunk on occasions, but they don’t have a drink problem. In the scene with Dave, he appears to have a coke in front of him, and likely he drove. He said himself he went to the bar because he was lonely, and that’s probably the only place in Lima he would actually meet other gay people . By this stage, he was in therapy, had a job and was moving on: no suggestion he’s hanging round a bar because he’s depressed.

His relationship with Karofsky. Yes many in fandom hate it. I don’t love it. But let’s remember: they do seem to have a warm relationship, Blaine speaks fondly of him, there’s the gentle cheek kiss and eye contact when they split, which speaks volumes. Blaine looks happy to be with him. He tells him he admires him. Blaine is getting on with his life - as far as he’s concerned Kurt is in NY, they may not see each other again for a very long time. Blaine didn’t date Dave out of spite - Dave was there when he needed company, Dave had suffered himself - he was a good support to Blaine when he needed it. Why would he date him for pain and abuse, or punishment. He was in therapy, he was getting better and he was genuinely happy. Why would he feel guilty about the split - it was Kurt who called it off.

Blaine is one if the happiest, most likeable characters . He is loved by his friends and teachers - he is talented, high achieving, ambitious and kind. He’s generous, he cares for his friends, he will do anything to help his friends. He is great fun to be with. Yes, he’s insecure and suffers from loneliness which means he makes rash decisions. He’s not extremely depressed, he has periods when he is down - don’t we all?? He’s not suffering , depressed, sad individual but the opposite most of the time - fondly regarded as a ray of sunshine. If I was having a bad day, I’d want Blaine as my friend to cheer me up.

He’s not suicidal - I can’t see what you are saying re On my way - he isn’t in camera shot most of the time . He’s not rubbing his wrists or looking sad, he confidently states he wants marriage equality in 50 states - another thing that’s very important to him. Because he wants to marry. And he wants to marry Kurt. Cough Syrup is an excellent solo - at the time he sings it , no one is aware about Dave. Blaine had his own stresses that day - mostly to do with Sebastian. Kurt is the one who has been lonely, depressed and suicidal. Not Blaine.

He doesn’t have an eating disorder - we see one episode where he overeats because he is a new city. Then he feels bad because he’s put on the weight, and pulls away physically from Kurt. He’s not got an eating disorder. He enjoys sport - we see him at gym, boxing, aerobics and he dances a lot with friends.

Also, you make a big jump to assume he’s been sexually abused or assaulted. In fact, there is no indication of this at all. If that’s your head canon, that’s fine, but there’s nothing in canon that says this. Or nothing in his behaviour that says this. Plus I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick regarding Tina, and his reaction to the vapo rape and Sam teasing Tina. Watch it again, Blaine isn’t upset.

There’s a lot I could go into about his relationship with Kurt but it’s already a long ask. Please feel free to chat to me about any of these!!! I note you think Blaine and Puck would be a good friendship, but that’s a chat for another day!!!

Look forward to a pleasant discussion with you!!

I'm fairly new to the Glee fandom, it'll be one year in the summer (I think August?)

It's a mix of canon and headcanons that are heavily supported by canon, I tried to specify what is what.

Most of the people I've seen that don't like Blaine or only like him in season 2 say he's whiny and clingy, and I'm happy to see that not a lot of people on Tumblr say that. More people do on Instagram, which is where I see most of the hate directed at him (he's still very popular there though!)

I've seen a lot of people say that he's mostly himself in the later seasons, it may not have been a mask at Dalton and could have been a personality change maybe impacted by the environment/who he surrounded himself with. In a deleted scene it says that his mom (maybe both parents? I just remember his mom specifically) isn't home much because of work - but I usually think that she's home late at night and on most weekends (nothing to support it, just what I think)

For the school dances, that is pretty likely, but the Sadie Hawkins specifically could have also brought certain memories back. I won't go into detail but I also have a bad experience related with a certain type of event, similar events don't bring back memories but that one specifically does, it does depend on the person though.

I think it depends on the person if he had a close relationship with them. Trent, for example, yes, but this is supported the most by canon. I also believe he was close with Nick and Jeff, but that's not as supported, and looked up to David, Wes, and Thad. But I don't really see them spending much time with him.

I don't think Blaine did have a drinking problem, I tried to specify that in the analysis but I think I wasn't clear because you're the second person to ask about that, just that he may have picked up the coping mechanism when he was in a bad place but to a lesser extent. The reason I think his mom may be is because (again, deleted shot) there was a shot in which Puck was holding her up and nobody seemed to be in a similar state, Quinn and Santana in I Do weren't as drunk as Pam appeared to be in that shot. But again, since it was deleted, I'm not entirely sure if it counts (I literally forgot it was a deleted shot until I rewatched the episode which is why I didn't point that out.) I do think Blaine and Dave got closer throughout their relationship because it did seem healthy, I don't think Dave was ever abusive because he changed a lot from the beginning of the series. It could have been something Blaine expected knowing his past. During the breakup, Blaine asks if it was something he did, which would be a reason why he'd blame himself. And I also don't think Blaine dated him out of spite, that's very out of character for him. But I've seen a lot of people say they think he might have it that don't like him because he dated Dave. Since writing the analysis (it's been a few months) I actually changed my opinion on Blainofsky, I still don't love it but I don't really hate it either.

In On My Way, he does rub his wrists, but it is kind of hard to see. You have to be watching him closely, and I don't think I would have noticed had it not been pointed out to me. I really think he needed more backstory and more of a look at his mental health - while he does seem happy most of the time, he does have signs of mental illness in his darker times, so it could just be how he feels in that moment, or he could be covering up feelings of depression or anxiety when he seems happier. And Kurt was definitely depressed and suicidal - I meant to write something on him as well but never got to it...

The eating disorder thing has been pointed out by a few other people as well, and a lot of people say it could be just stress eating, or it could be disordered eating which could potentially become an eating disorder had Kurt not intervened. There are warning signs that he could have potentially developed one - most notably a desire for control, which is a very common cause.

I wasn't even going to discuss sexual assault at first, I never considered it. The only reason it was brought up was because of the article I linked in the analysis and every point I made was from there.

And the mention of Tina and the vapo-rape thing, again, you're not the first to mention it so I'm probably wrong about it and I'll admit that. I had it pointed out that he was upset by one person and I haven't seen the episode in a while.

I'll probably look more into the character and update the analysis because lately a lot of people have been asking about it (honestly idk why it's suddenly popular since I did it a while ago but- I'm not complaining!)

Thank you for the ask, I hope I kinda cleared things up... And I appreciate the criticisms and your input!! If you wanna keep talking about this or anything else, feel free to send another ask or DM me :)

[kitweewoos]

50 Day Fic Prompt: Day 26

It was you the whole time. 

Jemma/Daisy

1.7k

[read on ao3]

Jemma had had a pen pal since she was sixteen, a girl who called herself Skye and lived in America. They met on a forum about their favorite show, Quantum Mechs. Fitz hated the show, so she hadn’t had anyone to discuss it with until Skye. Skye liked the fight scenes, and the way main character Clara McCleary looked in her tact gear outside of her mech. Jemma loved the way the science was accurate, and the fact that Clara was openly queer. They’d exchanged email addresses, starting to talk about the show first and then the conversation moved past that into their lives.

Jemma could tell Skye anything, everything from her insecurities and her dreams to her favorite sweets. They talked for years, updating each other on boyfriends and girlfriends, on moves, on promotions. They didn’t use specifics, though. All Jemma knew is that she went by the name Skye, that they were close in age, that Skye was an orphan who had aged out of the system, that she had never known her parents.

I’ve never really had a family. All of my foster homes were temporary, weigh stations for my flaws. They checked me out, saw I was unworthy, and sent me on down the road. I can’t remember the last hug I was given. How saw it that? Skye had written once after Jemma had told her about her older brother James and his annoying habit of only referring to her as Wee One.  

Well, I’d certainly give you every hug you’ve missed out on. I’ve been told I give the best hugs. I’ll wrap you up in my arms and bury my face in your neck because you’re certainly taller than me – everyone is – and we’ll stay like that for as long as you need. You deserve that, Skye, and I’d give that to you if you needed, Jemma had replied.

Years passed, and despite how busy they were, Jemma always found time to write to Skye. She never told anyone, not even Fitz, about Skye’s emails. He would probably say that Skye wasn’t who she said she was, that she was probably some middle-aged man who was trying to get something out of her. But Jemma trusted Skye. She’d never asked for anything too personal, had always respected her privacy. Jemma had signed her emails with a J and that was enough for Skye. She never demanded Jemma’s name or location, or any photos of her. It was good. It was steady.  

I was asking to join a field team for some research, and L is hesitant but I want to see the world, not just the inside of the lab. I want to find the ways theory meets reality, step into the practical, see the real-life cause and effect. I’ve almost got him convinced. It’s thrilling to imagine, though, me out doing practical science out in the world. Maybe we’ll cross paths if I’m not hiding away, she’d written the day Coulson invited them onto the team.

Please be safe, Skye had written in an uncharacteristically short response.

Jemma had never imagined that she would meet Skye in person, not really. She was content with their anonymity. When she met Skye, the hacker Coulson had tapped for the team, it hadn’t crossed her mind that Skye the Hacker and Skye the Pen Pal could be the same person.  

Besides, Skye continued to email Jemma, and hadn’t mentioned anything of the sort so they must be different people. Skye the Pen Pal would surely tell Jemma if she’d joined a team and was saving the world.

I made a decision recently, and it’s changing my life for the better. I can’t imagine my life before this, even though it was a few short weeks. Some days are harder than others, some decisions nearly impossible. I wish you were at my side sometimes, so I could hear your thoughts. You’ve always been a brilliant source of inspiration and calm for me, J. I won’t what you’d think about this new life I’ve found myself in. It’s nothing like what I’ve done before. I hope you’d be proud of me. You’re the one constant I’ve had all these years, and I hope that that continues no matter what, Skye wrote.

Jemma, on top of this friendship with Skye the Pen Pal, was becoming quite close with Skye the Hacker. Skye was sweet, and funny, and had an attitude like barbed wire. She wasn’t usually Jemma’s type, but really, “types” were comfort zones she was trying to avoid these days. Comfort zones hadn’t done anything for her yet.

Fitz and Ward both had eyes for Skye, which wasn’t a surprise. She was beautiful, and bright like summer sunshine, just as warm and relaxing. She made Jemma laugh, and she felt safe with Skye. It was unusual that she felt comfortable with someone so quickly. Even she and Fitz had taken forever to get to know each other but once they had, it was permanent. That’s what she hoped Skye would become, a fixture in Jemma’s life.

What do I do with a crush? I made a crush recently and she’s so good to me. She’s never mocked me or made me feel weird about being intelligent. Most people get defensive when I’m smarter than them, but not her. No, she smiles at me and encourages me to keep talking, even if she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. She’s never minded my tangents or digresses. She treats me much like I imagine a lover should. Oh, just like to me, Skye. I have a small crush on a friend, and I should like some Jane Austen character fretting over if the man she’s betrothed to will treat her well. I’ve felt quite dramatic these last few months, with so much change. I wish I could tell you everything, but I’m under contract not to say, Jemma wrote one night after spending a long evening with Skye in the Bus's lounge. She wanted to wax poetic about Skye for hours, but decided this would do.  

She got a reply when she checked her email the next morning, sent an hour after her own.

I know how you feel, actually. I met this amazing friend, you’d like them, and the more time I spend with them, the more I'm convinced I shouldn’t be anywhere else. They’re amazing, J. I’ve never felt more seen than I do at their side. I accidentally held their hand last week when we were watching a scary movie together, and it was the best twenty minutes I’ve ever had. If I kissed them, I might die. If I die, my collection of Quantum Mechs merch is yours, Skye replied.

Jemma, following nearly dying, curled up in her bunk with Quantum Mechs playing. Skye tapped on the door, and peered in at her.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jemma replied. “Well, no, but I will be. I’m alive, and I’ve got my favorite show here, and Fitz brought me tea.”

She held up the thermos that Fitz had brought by and smiled. There was still an ache to her chest and limbs, but she was getting better with every hour.

“Quantum Mechs?” Skye asked, looking at the screen in Jemma’s bunk where Clara was climbing into her mech suit to go to battle.

“Yeah,” Jemma said, trying not to sound defensive. Everyone thought that it was too cheesy or two unrealistic, but considering the Avengers existed and was made up of aliens, super soldiers, and science experiments gone wrong, Jemma could look past realism.  

“I love Quantum Mechs!” Skye squealed. “Can I join? I haven’t had time to rewatch in years.”

Jemma grinned and scooched over in bed so Skye could sit next to her. She threw her blanket over Skye and they settled in together during the Battle of Spirits.  

“I’d marry Clara McCleary,” Skye breathed.

“She was the first queer character who was so badass that I couldn’t feel weird about my own queer-ness.”

“Wait. What?”

“I know that sounds silly, but I didn’t know any other queer women until I went to uni and joined SHIELD. Clara was the first in-canon, openly queer character I’d seen, and it made me feel less alone.”

“I just thought – I didn’t know you were queer.”

“Oh. Yes. Almost exclusively.”

“Huh.”

Skye put her hand on Jemma’s and smiled.

“Me too, for what it’s worth.”

“Worth a lot, actually,” Jemma whispered out. They settled in again and when Jemma fell asleep, Skye stayed to fend off her nightmares.  

She woke up alone, and stretched, feeling infinitely better than she had in days. She was rested and hopeful. Skye fancied women, which meant there was a larger chance that Skye would fancy her specifically.  

Skye liked Quantum Mechs, and Clara McCleary, and girls.

Jemma paused as she dressed, and then the pieces of the puzzle that had been staring her in the face slotted together. She finished dressing and hurried out of her bunk. She checked Skye’s first, but she wasn’t there, so then she checked the lounge, and finally, she found Skye in the lab with Fitz.

“Are you SkyeWriter?” Jemma asked without preamble.

“What?”

“SkyeWriter, the girl I met on a Quantum Mechs forum twelve years ago, who likes Clara McCleary and recently made a decision that changed her life. Are you her?”

There was an unexpected tear that escaped from her eye, which she swiped away.

“Yeah. You’re not – you’re J. You’re J.”

“Yeah. I am.”

“What is happening?” Fitz asked.

“Holy shit,” Skye said, standing up and circling the lab table, heading straight for Jemma. “It was you the whole time.”

“It was me.”

Then, Skye was kissing her, her jaw cradled in Skye’s beautiful hands. Her lips were soft, and tasted like the sugar cereal she and Fitz fought over in the mornings. Jemma held her hips, stroking over her hipbones with her thumbs, small strokes following the curve of them.

“What is happening,” Fitz repeated. Skye broke away with a laugh.

“I’ve wanted to do that for years, J.”

“Me too.”

“Was it worth the wait?”

“I’d wait forever for you, Skye.”

Skye nudged her nose against Jemma’s, and Jemma kissed her again, soft and quick.  

“You don’t have to, I’m right here, and I am never going anywhere, J. You are my family, and you have been for longer than I’ve known anyone else. I am yours, and I have been since that first message.”

“I am yours,” Jemma echoed.  

[lgcminjun]

INTRO :: LONG JOURNEY ——— like butterfly wings

the end of the trimester marks a new point in hwang minjun’s life. through the many twists and turns, he’s gradually shaping himself and spreading his wings.

minjun isn’t my first muse of the year, but he is the one i’ve grown incredibly attached to, with connections i never imagined he’d have. i missed the halfway point of the year, i meant to post this on his birthday, july 10th, but better late than never, right? this also serves as a thank you to everyone who plotted with minjun—he continues to develop as a character because of you all, both he and i can’t thank you enough !

PERSONALITY

not a lot has changed in terms of his personality, he continues to be a person eager to please, an overachiever at times, to the point where he’d push himself a little too far. he’s learning to overcome this flaw, to let others take care of him, listen when he’s being told that he’s working too hard. to give himself a break when he needs it. he’s opening his arms to different types of people, more than happy to accommodate all types of personalities if it meant building friendships. at the end of the day, he still has a lot of love to give.

CAREER

the beginning of it all—the valentines event drew out minjun’s infamous aegyo, which went viral within the blink of an eye. it may not be as significant as what follows, but it’s still an event that brings a smile to his face.

fear accompanied him when he auditioned for project origin, but the experience made him realise something important—what matters is that he stayed true to himself as he performs, gives it very best with every little stomp and twist, pour all he can with each move. and eventually, he’ll be rewarded.

type zero chipped away at his confidence, the pressures of being a replacement were heavy on his shoulders. gradually, he learns that he doesn’t have to deal with it on his own—after all, type zero is a group first and foremost, lifting one another up. it’s fine to be himself, he doesn’t need to pretend to be someone else.

being a part of project origin and legacy boys gave him opportunities he wouldn’t dare imagine even in his wildest dreams. the tour opened his eyes to new heights, brought him out of his shell, introduced him to a greater stage, one he had the privilege to perform on, including a solo performance. boarding a plane hadn’t been easy, minjun never ventured so far before. it’s a terrifying experience, but one he wouldn’t erase.

RELATIONSHIPS a recap of minjun’s connections thus far, from his point of view.

minjun finds himself facing pages of the past when he reunites with ( @lgcinsoo ), a fellow dancer from his old days that he used to admire. to his surprise, the reunion was far from awkward, ending with a promise to hang out whenever they find the time. though they’re walking different paths now, minjun will always be rooting for insoo. he hopes the time they hang out again will come soon.

( @lgcjiho ) had been another plushie collector, and was the person who managed to draw out minjun’s aegyo, causing him to go viral. in a way, minjun owes jiho his thanks, even more so for always seeming so eager to join him in his little tea parties. he believes project origin drew the two even closer, what with their shared fear for airplanes. they comforted one another like friends would, minjun won’t forget that day.

not all has been smooth sailing, he hit stormy waves when he went overboard with ( @lgchunji ). he’s not sure what he had done wrong specifically, but he knows it had to do with his desire to extend his hand even though he had been warned against it. minjun wants to fix things, tape back the string of friendship that he had broken. however, that isn’t his decision to make. either way, he can only hope hunji is thriving with whatever it is he’s doing. hunji helped him realise that there is merit to sticking to his own lane, to not shove himself into situations that doesn’t concern him.

he tried again to help someone else, ( @lgceunji ) this time. seeing her in a seemingly bad state after the prank worried him, and he did what he can do. offer a silent comfort and company, then gifting her one of his prized possessions, a small bear plushie. he intends to check up on her every now and then, even if he’s busy with the tour. he thinks of her as a little sister he wants to protect.

although it took a few days to adjust, he found friends among the type zero members. his worries were eased after his conversation with ( @lgcxking ), and minjun isn’t shy to admit that he admires the other for his determination and strong will. king’s bravery shown throughout the tour, like when king invited him to bungee jump, but also when king challenged himself to take part in babysitting services. he has a lot of respect for king.

among the project origin members, he finds himself adoring ( @lgcharu ), someone he can’t help but feel like he wants to take care of. discussing their characters aided minjun in figuring out how to ease himself into musical acting, something he had never done before. he had a lot of fun with haru throughout the tour as well, spending a part of their chuseok holidays together.

his encounter with ( @lgcemil ) had been one he hadn’t expected, meeting the other in the practice room when he intended to practice into the late night. he can’t hide his concern for emil, and although he doesn’t want to overstep his boundaries, he wants to become a friend that emil can count on whenever he’s feeling a little down.

there are a few special mentions. ( @lgceunho ) bonded with him when they were locked in a practice room, and although minjun would rather not get himself in such a situation ever again, he’s glad he had been stuck with eunho, who is a fun person to be around. panicking with ( @lgcxminseok ) over the april fools prank and playing with the animals in the shelter was a delightful time. during the project origin tour, he had a blast with king, ( @lgcyonghwa ) and ( @lgcmax ). yonghwa seems like a reliable older brother that minjun can count on. max’s bursts of energy draws out his own, there’s never a boring time with max. he didn’t know ( @lgcjueun ) before babysitting services, but as it turns out, taking care of kids together is another good way to bond.

YOON SHINHA ——— forever you are my star

( @lgcshinha ) appeared to him like a storm, wrecking his world in the best way possible. he encountered the enigma that is yoon shinha when he reached out towards the same cat plushie that the other did. it’s an out of the blue suggestion when he said they should share the plushie instead, but he wouldn’t have it any other day. that was the beginning of something beautiful—an encounter with an impact that will last a lifetime.

it’s a little funny when it turns out they ended up as roommates, but that makes it easier for them to take care of their little family. looking back, minjun isn’t sure when exactly things started to change between the two of them, where they drew the line between friendship and something else. it’s hard for minjun not to fall for shinha though, not when shinha took care of him like no one else ever had. the illusion of having a family with the other felt more real as days go by, to the point where minjun is afraid that he’d eventually do what he does best: overstep and ruin everything.

he had never, for the life of him, thought that shinha would feel the same way. and yet, after a long night of rigorous practice and a shared night in their dorm with no one else around, they laid their feelings out on the table. it all happened too fast, but it still felt like it was yesterday. minjun recalled the beating of his heart picking up pace, too quick for him to keep up. he remembers the tears that were in the corner of his eyes, ever the emotional person he was. but they left things up in the air, until...

july 10th, minjun’s birthday and the day the stars aligned. shinha keeps proving himself as someone minjun can’t help but think he doesn’t deserve sometimes. the gifts shinha bestowed upon him that day is enough to make his heart swell, he remembers feeling as if he’ll burst. a mix of emotions coursed through him that day, but overall he can say that he’s elated, he’s in love. that is further confirmed when shinha asked him out, and the tears he usually would try so hard to hide flowed almost endlessly. they became one that day, but minjun feels as if they were always one.

with project origin taking most of his time, he wasn’t granted enough time to spend with his beloved, but he can’t complain—not out loud, at the very least. the tour had been an experience minjun wouldn’t trade for the world, yet he finds himself thinking about shinha whenever he’s alone with his thoughts. texts and video calls weren’t nearly enough, he missed shinha’s presence by his side most of all. it was torture, but he believes in shinha, in their relationship, in them. minjun knows they can go through whatever hardships may come.

seeing shinha again during kcon backstage brought forth the longing he had been feeling the past month. but they’re strong, if they can survive a tour, then they’ll be able to handle worse.

a new trimester begins, and future dreams is knocking on their doors. minjun doesn’t wish for much, but if he could wish for one thing—he wants the both of them to debut, together.

THE ROAD AHEAD

above all, minjun intends to debut. he knows he’s meant to be on stage, and he wants to prove that he’s worth it. he doesn’t know what future dreams will bring, but he’s eager to show off what hwang minjun can do.

there are a lot of people he still wants to befriend, particularly those who will be participating in future dreams. there may be a competitive element, however friendly rivalry isn’t a bad thing.

he’s eager to brush up on his language skills, particularly japanese. with the workshop, that may be achievable. there seems to be a strong market in japan, so he wants to try it out.

despite the fun time he experienced in babysitting services, he’s eager to try out the other two variety shows. he isn’t the best at cooking, but masterchef legacy piqued his interests.

[d0ctordisco]

I found this video rather interesting. It talks about the frustrating divide in the Doctor Who fandom right now.

As someone who likes the 13th Doctor and loves Jodie Whittaker, but is still critical of the writing, I am immediately placed in the "bigoted sexist misogynist" box automatically despite really liking 13. (I am female myself btw) I feel that the writing quality has been better in the past and the 13th Doctor and Jodie have been severely undercut by how well this new era could have been played. This is my opinion. This does not mean that my opinion is correct or even that my opinion should dictate what the show should be like.

It feels like lately you're only allowed to love the 13th Doctor or hate her. There is no room in the fandom right now to fall in the grey area in between. I feel that the intellectual discussions on writing, directing, acting, and producing have been disposed of in favor of left wing or right wing politics.

As someone who was first introduced to Doctor Who watching Series 9 with Peter Capaldi as the 12th Doctor, I found it difficult to immediately like Season 11 as it was so different. I was very intrigued and excited by the prospect of a female doctor, and open to the possibilities though. I felt that it was time for a female doctor, not because it's the "leftist liberal politically correct thing to do" but because I felt that the hardships and exhaustion that the 12th Doctor endured, almost refusing to regenerate in a nearly suicidal "please just let me die" plea, that deciding to regenerate once more would present an opportunity for significant change and for someone very different to step into the role. I really like the 13th Doctor, I think she's funny and cute, and a fresh new take.

However, I felt that Season 11 took a very conservative writing approach without any major risks, leading to what I felt was a bland season. With a female doctor, I feel that the writers wanted to take the least amount of risks as possible to prevent from aggrivating an already divided fandom even more. Every adventure, while enjoyable, was self contained and provided nothing to the overarching story. Now though, I feel that Season 12 took the criticisms of Season 11 and has very much overcompensated to try to make this season exciting. In my personal opinion I thought the writing choices of this season were wreckless and only provided to shock value. Trying to cram so much lore that not everyone asked for into every second of this season made it feel like the decisions were not thought out in context of the show as a whole. I think each writer should have their freedom to take the show in the direction they wish, but I feel that they should respect the choices of their predecessors and not go out of their way to retrofit the continuity because they didn't like the way it was before. Yes. I am talking about The Timeless Children.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the return of the Master and it's the majority of the reason I like Season 12. I am very used to Season 8, 9, and 10 having a lot of Missy so Season 11 having the Master being completely absent was a bit of a let down for me personally.

I do not dislike The Timeless Children because it paints the Doctor as a victim of abuse or abandonment. I do not dislike The Timeless Children because it provides more background lore about the Doctor and Gallifrey. I dislike the Timeless Children because I believe that what makes the Doctor special is their actions and choices, not who they were born as. Having the Doctor be even more special and elite with more power than the already pompous Time Lords was a step in the wrong direction I feel. Having the 12th Doctor spend so much time in Season 10 trying to help Missy become good because it is the right thing to do and the whole mantra of being kind without witness or reward made the Doctor feel like they were special because they chose to be good. Having the Doctor now be almost a deity of unknown power makes them special by birthright, not because of their actions.

This is all still my opinion that I am both entitled to having, and simultaneously cannot force on to anyone else or have it dictate the show.

Doctor Who, if nothing else, is about change. I encourage people who dislike the 13th Doctor for whatever reason, to stick around and hold out. In a few years, there will be a new Doctor, new companions, and possibly a new writer. In the end, Doctor Who and all other shows, movies, and media, are works of art created by an artist in their artistic vision. I respect that while I have not enjoyed Chibnall's time as much as Moffat's, I cannot force anyone to make the show the way I want. Was Moffat problematic and sexist as a showrunner? Yes. Is it ethical to support someone who writes women so terribly? I'm not sure. Overall as a whole, Doctor Who has brought so much joy to so many people, that I feel it does much more good than harm. Yeah I think Moffat's female characters are shallow, particularly Amy and Clara. I will write a whole post some other day on why I think they are highly flawed characters despite liking them in general.

I wish people could get over the whole female doctor thing and get back to discussing the show in an educated manner.

I don't know what this essay of a post goes to prove but I felt that I wanted to say somethinf about the toxic divide over politics in the fandom that has completely overshadowed any intellectual conversation on the writing or directing choices. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

[girlobsessed21]

The 100 6x12 discussion: Screw protocol and kill them all

My fingers hovered over the keyboard with nerves and you will see my prudence shine through in the post. Look, this is my favorite show, probably of all time, and this entire season has been an absolute doozy to experience. Then, I get to the penultimate episode and I suddenly feel off my game. Not sure if it’s the abundance of storylines happening at once, the few plot holes, Sheidheda or inconsistency, nonetheless, here’s my experience.

You can go back and read all my discussions from the trailer to 6x11 and I never wavered in my stance that Russel may have morals but he is a well-rounded baddie and the main villain of the season. Sure, we had Josephine and whether it’s Eliza and Sarah’s remarkable acting or the sociopath's substance, I’d love a spinoff series about her. It sure is a fruit salad when you add the monstrous commander to the mix, though I don’t expect that storyline to be resolved by next episode. Clarke never found the notebook and Raven seem to be struggling with his disengagement.

In line with the rest of the season, this is filled with the good, the bad and the beautiful. Russel vs Gabriel, Abby vs Simone, Emori vs Murphy, the devout vs nonbelievers and ultimately kill the few to save the many vs taking no lives at all.

Before all the gory details, I just have to say Eliza Taylor is out-and-out iconic. I cannot sing her praises enough with the shrewd way in which she fits into each character’s skin. The lucid distinction between Clarke and Josephine with her emotions surfacing in her ruse as the latter is exceptional.

In peace, you left this shore, Abby

If you follow my weekly posts, you’ll know my opinion on Abby is quite brutal. I’ve never liked her, perhaps a little in season one but she still caused her own husband’s death.  Season after season, episode after episode my fury towards her grew exponentially and I was more than ready to say goodbye - until now.

Looking into your daughter’s eyes, knowing it’s not her must be soul-crushing. I felt it with Abby, Clarke and Delilah’s parents, which is why I completely understood her threatening Russel. A little tear escaped my own eyes when she cried for the loss of Clarke while Raven tried to comfort her.

Keeping her promise to her daughter, Abby turned herself into a nightblood to save Madi. This has to be one of her most heroic moments ever. I’m not sure if Kane’s final words or this instance bears the turning point in which her past mistakes catch up to her, either way, it’s appreciated. Albeit a strong callback to the Finn and Pike’s deaths.

She did not get a redemption arc but at least her sendoff included a final forgiving chapter.

Ugh, I wanted to punch the smugness from Russel’s face when he realized Abby will be the perfect candidate for his wife. But it came as no surprise, I suspected it.

Her moment with Jackson and the apology to Raven was delivered with such intimacy and poignancy that it provokes a chilling heartbreak when Russel plunges the needle into her neck. Not to mention the way her life flashed before her eyes as she fell to the ground. Paige Turco truly is an amazing actress and I’m curious to see her portrayal of the prime queen even if it’s just for one episode.

At least she had a beautiful, although short, reunion with Clarke.

One last thing I need to add, Raven’s humbleness this episode was more than welcome. I needed to hear that she acknowledges her judgmentalism as a flaw which requires resolve. A lot can be said on the topic, as I’ve done many times before, though I hope it holds up. Seeing such a strong and smart character in constant high-horse mentality is infuriating, to say the least.

To the glory and grace of the primes

Props to Emori, she has really grown into quite the benevolent character. I’ve always liked her, but throughout the entire series, she has only improved. From a scavenger to becoming Raven’s skilled apprentice and a loyal member of the Spacekru family. And if 6x08 wasn’t enough to lionize her, she refuses to play house with people who deems a threat to her and her friends.

All while, Murphy’s plan was to show Russel that they’re useful and on-board with being false gods. I thought he would try to find a way to save Echo but clearly being immortal is his first priority. Apart from asking nicely, he did nothing to protect his friends. Did he justify the decision in his mind? Where is the John Murphy I’ve come to love? Raven’s look at Murphy mirrored all of my own feelings on the matter.

I just have to add that both of them looked stunning when they emerged hand-in-hand as brother and sister. Emori’s dress, damn baby, she hot as hell.

Clarke, on the other hand, is more than resourceful by using Ryker as a bargaining chip. No pun intended. As a mother herself, she knows it’s the quintessential key to Priya’s compliance. And Echo’s attempt at stopping them - top-notch. But can someone please explain when they became friends because if my memory serves correctly, the last time they were together, Echo tried to kill her? Even if she defended her in 6x01, I wasn’t aware they are on hugging terms.

Raven’s perception of the primes as serial killers in royal robes couldn’t be more fitting.

Like I said last week, Gabriel reminds me so much of Monty. Perhaps Mr. Green was slightly stronger; he did kill his own mother when it was necessary. Though, it doesn’t compensate for the lack of Jordan, where is he? Being such an innocent yet brave member of the ensemble, I cannot help but take his absence personally. It’s slightly ridiculous in my opinion.

Anyway, the prince of peace is hellbent on putting a stop to namings day and instinctively changes the plan. Even if I enjoyed his “there is nothing more powerful than the truth” speech, facing a king singlehandedly is foolish. Unfortunately, his presence alerts Russel that the red sun trigger is a fluke. And I suppose unlike all the other heroes of this show, he’s never killed anyone with a gun before. Then again, would pulling that trigger have made any difference with Simone being alive?

Why did Russel not kill Gabriel though? Was it because Dr. Santiago brought his daughter back and gave them the privilege of immortality? Sorry, that part confused me.

Abby!Simone sure is a vision in white, wow but what a total self-centered biatch!!! At least Abby’s death blew the morality right back into Murphy. The two of them have always had a strong bond since he kept Clarke’s heart beating.

Poor Clarke though, seeing Madi bound and realizing her mother’s dead must have shattered her soul. That, right after seeing Bellamy and Echo in each other’s arms. My heart goes out to her still playing the role of Josephine with enough conviction to fool her parents. Our female lead is one strong woman, blaming the tears on her mother’s return and Gabriel’s betrayal.

Now, Madi being alive and well is a bit of a conundrum. Sheidheda said he’ll kill the girl if Raven continues. So, my guess is that he let her live since Raven’s tied up and he needs to wake the Wonkru army and they’re playing right into his hand.

Finally, that standoff ending between the primes threatening Madi and Gaia against Indra, Niyalah and the rest of the crew was supercharged. I’m still yelling, “No, this can’t be it!”

The calvary protocol adjusted

There’s nothing more fun to watch as the Blake’s on good terms. Man, I love it. Octavia being the supportive sibling even more so. And It seems like Bellamy is becoming quite the clown this season. If I’m not mistaken, “I told you she’d get it done,” was like his third joke. He’s always been my favorite, can’t help but smile when he graces my screen.

Fun stuff aside, death to primes.

Bellamy and Echo reunite. Clearly, he’s delighted to find her safe and sound after learning him she’s in trouble. I believe him to be more than guilt-ridden about abandoning her to save Clarke, even if it ultimately was the right choice. I hate to sound like a typical Bellarke shipper but if their relationship continues with no addressing the last three episodes, it would trigger grave blemishes in the storyline.

It’s degrading for Echo to idly accept her boyfriend’s dedication to another woman. And Bellamy has to face those conflicting feelings inside and make a choice; right now he has his cake and takes little nibbles when the hunger strikes badly.

Of course there’s no time right now. It doesn’t have to happen right away or even in this season, yet it can’t simply be ignored. The looks on both Clake and Octavia’s faces suggest they're less than pleased with the intimate embrace.

Moving on, his inspirational declaration of the truth took me right back to season one. The man sure has a way of influencing the masses. Sadly, Russel’s had a bomb of his own which causes one hell of an outbreak for those without anti-toxin and Priya’s death by the hand of Delilah’s mom.

Convenient how there just happened to be a lockable storage unit nearby which Echo knew about. Was it one of her hideouts? And won’t they have to kill all the believers anyway once they break down those doors? Guess we’ll find out next week.

I can’t believe there’s only one episode left, I’m already dreading the hiatus. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts! May we meet again next week.

[zoe-oneesama]

I'm sorry if this seems rude, but your treatment of Alya makes me very uncomfortable. This isn't something you're entirely to blame for, as a good chunk of the fandom treats her very poorly (with either ignoring her or reducing her role to "ships the lovesquare"), but the amount of comics and posts you've made about punishing Alya feels a little extreme to me at this point. I understand the salt after chameleon, but everyone was ooc in that ep. Also it's been over a month. (1/2)

I will start by saying thank you for coming to me with your complaints in honestly the nicest way you possibly could, I really appreciate you taking a very calm and critical tone in approaching me with a genuine concern.

I will also point out I can’t think of any comics I’ve made attacking Alya or punishing her, so I’m not sure what you mean by that, but maybe I’ve re blogged someone else’s comic and it’s not coming to mind right now. But I also try hard to tag stuff so people can block the rants they don’t want to see. I guess the probelm is I use the #alya salt tag instead of #anti alya.

And I can agree that Alya’s characterization has gotten out of hand in the fanon vs canon, particularly when we had that long hiatus so fanon Alya bled into the consciousness and confused what actually is canon Alya.

However I won’t apologize for being critical of Alya. I will try to explain my own reasoning for you though so maybe you can understand where I’m coming from. 

My two main criticisms of Alya are 1) She’s not a good journalist and 2) She disregards Marinette’s feelings even though she’s her best friend.

The Good Journalist is something that I personally think is a fanon idea. Her being an ethical, searches only for the truth reporter who has integrity about the facts came from the hiatus, and my position on this is supported in canon.

When Marinette’s identity, the secret she holds most dear, is in jeopardy, because it’s Alya who is making the claim, she is unconcerned. If Alya was a threat to her identity (i.e. someone who often had evidence to support their claims) she would be worried, but instead she brushes it off. Like it’s not the first time Alya’s pitched a theory from left field at her. Even Nino laughs right in her face.

Volpina backs this up with her posting an unverified video of Lila claiming to be best friends with Ladybug without getting any sources or evidence that it could be true. In doing this, not only is she reducing her blog to a gossip column, but she is directly endangering this girl by blasting her relationship with a Superhero where anyone could see it. Because her scoop is more important that truth.

There’s also her crusade to find out Ladybug’s secret identity, something that, having established she’s a huge superhero comic fan, she should know the repercussions of. Endangerment of self, friends, and family in the face of a very dangerous super villain. It continues to prove where Alya’s priorities are.

But I actually want to make something clear: Being a bad journalist is not something I hate Alya for. She’s a young, immature girl. She’s wrapped in the excitement of magic and superheroes and is riding the hype to it’s conclusion. It’s partially Ladybug’s fault for indulging in Alya and being biased towards her friend that Alya has the platform she has and the belief in her abilities. And Alya does put a lot of hard work into her journalism, she just needs to do more growing and get a better understanding of what ethical journalism is.

I’m just critical of it because of the fanon warping her into this amazing journalist when she’s just a kid with no self preservation and tenacity. 

The Bad Friend thing is what imagine you mostly came here for. And I want to make it clear here as well: I don’t think Alya is a terrible friend. Most of the time I don’t think she’s even a bad friend. But what happened in Volpina, Heroes Day, and Chameleon hit me in a bad way.

In Volpina, we see Marinette express concern about Lila hanging over Adrien and Alya dismisses her to gush over her blog.

I didn’t have a problem with this when it first came out. Marinette knows Lila is a liar only because she is Ladybug and so she knows Lila is lying in her interview. Marinette has a problem with liars AND a jealousy problem that has gone unchecked by Volpina. But from Alya’s perspective, Marinette is being unreasonably possessive and is prone to over reacting. She has no obligation to interfere with Adrien and Lila just because Marinette is feeling territorial.

This only becomes an issue in addition to the other two episodes. 

In Heroes Day we get this gem of a line, which is really irritating, esPECIALLY because as a series finale it had to come after Frozer, which proved that Marinette has made great strides in overcoming her jealousy. As her best friend, Alya should be giving Marinette the benefit of the doubt, not Lila. But instead, she doesn’t ask what Marinette’s problem is with Lila she just assumes it without opening discussion about what could be bothering her usually kind and accommodating best friend. Compound it with her dismissal of Marinette in Volpina, and I’m beginning to get weary. 

But then Chameleon. Ooooooh Chameleon. Let me count the ways Alya specifically failed as a friend:

1) Kicked Marinette out if her seat without asking

2) Replaced Marinette as her seatmate with her boyfriend without asking

3) Pushing Marinette to the back row seat alone without asking

4) When Marinette claims Lila is lying, Alya asks for Marinette to prove Lila isn’t telling the truth instead of investigating if Lila is telling the truth.

5) Pulls that not apology apology that puts the blame on Marinette for getting upset about the situation. 

(gif by @oui-ladybug)

That last on is subject to interpretation, but look at it closely, There’s no “I’m sorry for putting you in that situation without your consent.” No “I’m sorry for not taking your feelings into account.” 

This throw away line is like someone saying “I’m sorry YOU got upset.” Like you overreacted. Like it’s your fault you got hurt.

You may say I’m reaching, and I’ll admit my interpretation is probably not a universal one. I’ve made no secret of it in past posts. I have a personal issue with how Alya acts in regard to Marinette’s feelings. 

I had a best friend from the age of 5 to 20. Looking back I can find a lot of flaws in our friendship but at the time I thought it was great, mutually supportive and filled with love. Until she started dating. She had a boyfriend her last two years of high school and up to around the time we stopped being friends. She was attached at the hip to him, spending all her free time with him instead of me and bringing him to outings with us without asking me first. I tried to hide my discomfort because I had already almost lost her friendship by throwing up a fuss over her dating him - because he was my ex (first!) boyfriend. But I put my feelings aside because she was really into him and I valued our friendship more than this dumb guy. But apparently I was the only one.

Things went downhill fast when we graduated high school. She and her boyfriend stayed at home and went to a local college (no shame there) and I went to a university 3 hours away. We weren’t going to see each other near as often obviously, but we had always been very good at texting and calling each other so I wasn’t worried. But she didn’t text me anymore. She never called. All contact I had to initiate first. She never made the drive up to see me unless she needed something (she stayed at my place when she wanted to go to the Renaissance Fair nearby my college). 

But what hurt most is when I would drive down to see her. I’d drive the three hours, having made plans weeks in advance to make sure it worked around our schedules, only for her to cancel last minute on me. Because she wanted to hang out with her boyfriend instead. The same boyfriend she saw LITERALLY everyday. And it happened multiple times.

She didn’t care what I did for her. She didn’t respect my time or effort or feelings. She assumed I’d be fine with it. She assumed I wouldn’t mind or if I did I’d “get over it” like I always do (get over it as in grin and bear it). She made decisions for me and without regard to what I thought. She just wanted a cardboard cutout to call Best Friend without actually putting in any of the work.

There are plenty of other things that started to bother me about our friendship, but because this is what ultimately ended it it’s what bothers me the most. So I take personal offense with Alya making assumptions about Marinette’s feelings and justifications without asking. I have issues with Alya making decisions for Marinette without asking. And I especially have issues with Alya choosing her boyfriend over her best friend because that hits me personally.

I know Chameleon was OOc for the characters…for MOST of the characters. But Alya? This has been building up. It’s not the first time. It’s just the most egregious time.

And a bonus it’s really annoying that Alya assumes Marinette is crazy jealous when a few of Marinette’s craziest moments are a result of Alya’s insistence or pushing OR Alya tries to steer her away from making mature decisions.

Marinette stealing Adrien’s phone?

Marinette making an elaborate scheme to separate Adrien from his bodyguard to go on a date with him?

Marinette tries to be realistic and help Adrien on his date while simultaneously letting him go?

Alya was one of those cases where one event made me think back really hard about her role as Marinette’s best friend and just what kind of hand she’s had in shaping Marinette’s behavior, and honestly? She’s not the amazing friend I remembered her as in Season 1. Which sucks! Because I lOVEd Alya. A sassy mom friend who takes no shit and gets shit done? A gorgeous POC that pushed her friend to make things happen for herself?! Yes please!

So I still hate on Chameleon, not just for the episode, but for the wakeup call I DIDN’t ask for!!

p.s. the reason I’m still salting on it is because the episode totally failed to resolve Alya’s issues in this episode. i.e. being a hypocrite.

[homenum-revelio-hq]

Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Beth!

You have been accepted for the role of SIRIUS BLACK with the faceclaim of Jade Hassoune! We really enjoyed your discussion of Sirius’ relationships, particularly how his adult relationships (both negative and positive) have shaped his life. We also loved his biases and privileges section and thought it showed both strengths and flaws! We are so excited to have you as part of this roleplay!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Beth

AGE: 24

TIMEZONE: CST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I do work full time, but having a strong writing community is important to me and something that I actively make time for. Even on a bad week, I’ll check in at least two or three times to write, and I try to be around when I can to check the dash and talk even if I don’t have time for a reply. Also, I am that person who goes on semi-hiatus during a particular season and still tries to make regular activity because it’s important to me to try and stay on top of owed replies.

ANYTHING ELSE: I have no major triggers or squicks.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Sirius Black

AGE: 21

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis-male, He/Him. Sirius is bisexual, and while it isn’t something he hides, it also isn’t something he advertises. He’s been accused of being willing to flirt with anything that moves. While he finds that accusation unfair, he knows it’s not always untrue.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: I would like to request an FC change to Jade Hassoune. I have a few reasons for this. The lazy one is that I already have gifs for him. That said, I think he can bring an interesting range for Sirius because some of his gifs are a little more brooding while others are big and expressive. He has a certain edge to most of the characters he has played that can work for situations where Sirius is being defiant or stubborn. I also like that because he is a person of color, it continues the tradition of taking what JKR gave us and making it more diverse. Plus, he has the hair (well, had) and effortless looks Sirius is known for.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

Sirius has always been too big for some people to handle, and his response has always been that it isn’t his problem. Toning himself down for a situation is easier said that done, especially given Sirius’ tendency to speak first and think after. That impulsiveness has been there since he was young, and it can be a big disadvantage to him, especially when combined with his stubbornness. Sirius will say something without thinking of consequences, then dig in his heels about whatever it was rather than admit he might be wrong. This also means that he’ll sometimes go in-depth with planning for something that started out as a joke comment. He doesn’t know when to quit.

Choosing to instead focus on the positive, Sirius would argue that he isn’t impulsive but rather instinctual. He doesn’t always think things through before he does them, but that has worked out well for him, especially during duels.

Sirius would consider himself incredibly loyal, but the shadow side of that might be that Sirius can be a bit possessive. He makes strong assumptions that such loyalty will always be reciprocated, and he has a hard time understanding when that isn’t the case.

It frustrates him greatly that it feels like people around him focus on his flaws and don’t appreciate his strengths because he’s a fairly gifted duelist and fast thinker. Plus, his transfiguration skills are pretty great. Sirius never had to study in school because things came easy to him, and now that he’s out of school, it seems like everyone else is still “studying” at war when Sirius just wants to make a decision and go do.

Sirius doesn’t have a lot of patience for time or for people. When he gets frustrated or otherwise emotionally overwhelmed, it tends to make him rash and angry. Sirius would respond to one of his friends getting hurt, for example, by shouting at whoever their patrol partner was that should have been protecting them. He knows he’s no diplomat, but Sirius spent his formative years purposefully being the opposite. He can’t suddenly change it now.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY: (child abuse tw, but it’s minimally referenced)

Sirius spent his early days fighting against anything and everything. His father was once someone Sirius looked up to, but he doesn’t remember a time now of it being fondly. Instead Orion was someone to look at with fear, someone to flinch away from when he raised his voice or his hand. Sirius didn’t always know what he did wrong in those early days, but he quickly learned that sometimes it was better to be wrong on purpose because at least it felt earned. His mother was just as bad but in different ways. Sirius tended to hear her screaming more often, but he flat out ran once when he was nine because he knew one of her punishments was coming. Walburga was more creative than her husband, but she was also more of a perfectionist. Thanks to her, Sirius felt policed constantly.

His only shelter in those days was Regulus. Most days it was the two of them against the world.  They didn’t always publicly get along, especially when Sirius’ antics landed them both in trouble. Still, they had each other on nights when it hurt to be alone or the nightmares crept in. They could sit side by side in the dark and whisper about what life would be like someday  when they had magic of their own. Hogwarts changed everything for Sirius, and while that was mostly positive, it unfortunately meant that he lost Regulus. He couldn’t talk to his brother anymore; the language was gone. Even over the summers, things could never be the same. When Sirius ran away, he didn’t even tell Regulus he was going (although to be fair, he didn’t realize he was until a moment blew up too big with his parents to ever turn back). While he spent the rest of the summer wishing he had, the two didn’t even look at each other when they were first in the Great Hall together again at school. That childhood bond felt like it had finally severed completely.

The one person who seemed to humor Sirius at family events when he was young was Uncle Alphard, who always stuck out just a little bit. Sirius remembered hearing whispered about how Alphard was ‘peculiar,’ which wouldn’t have been a problem, except that he wouldn’t put duty first and produce an heir, which was a problem to a family as obsessed with legacy as the Blacks. Sirius had loved to hide in his shadow to avoid Orion and Walburga. He died a year after Sirius ran away, but Sirius had never imagined he’d be left Alphard’s fortune.

He immediately tried to use that fortunate to try and pay back the Potters for taking him in. While he’d suspected they wouldn’t accept anything, it choked up Sirius that they insisted that would be taking money from family. In many ways, Sirius considers James as much a brother as Regulus. Maybe they didn’t have the childhood history, but they had the important stuff. They had shared values and adventures, similar ideas and likeminded attitudes. At least they used to. Some days Sirius isn’t sure he knows who James is anymore. He doesn’t know what happened to the carefree James he used to know. Regardless, he isn’t about to let him go the way he once did Regulus.

OCCUPATION: 

Employee at Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour—Sirius has some money left from his uncle’s inheritance, but he needed something to keep him busy. He has toyed with applying for the Auror training program, but Sirius rationalized that he can do more for the Order with a less specific work schedule. Plus, he is aware of his own authority issues and feels like that might not be the best option to push himself at the Ministry with everything else going on. The job might not seem very punk rock, but working for Florean gives him something to do, people to interact with, and a fairly easy schedule to slide around.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Sirius has always been a bit self-absorbed about his role within the Order. He has always known he’d never make the inner circle, but he hadn’t wanted to. In school, Sirius had cultivated a careful rebel-without-a-cause attitude. He has a cause now, but he’s still a rebel first and foremost. Of course, Sirius is fighting for muggles and muggleborns. They just aren’t his first priority. Sirius’ first priority is fighting against the pureblood society he was raised in because he sees nothing good about it. The two causes aren’t necessarily the same thing. He often feels frustrated by the lack of progress because it feels like the people he grew up resenting just continue to grow more powerful. He sees no progress for the real cause nor progress for his own. Much of the time, Sirius would like to just do something big. If they can’t make progress, he’d like to at least make a statement, but he doesn’t even seem to be able to do that. Too much fine print in what’s supposed to be vigilante justice.

SURVIVAL:

If you asked Sirius what his plan was for tomorrow, he’d says the present is all that matters. That’s how he lives his life in most aspects. No matter what the war looks like, Sirius doesn’t look forward and see a bleak future because he doesn’t think that far away.

Right now, he’s living in an apartment that’s technically in Muggle London but as close to the Leaky Cauldron as he could find. He lives there alone and likes that only one of his neighbors complains about the loud music. He prefers muggle music, but the occasional wizarding rock album is similar enough to not give anyone pause. Sirius can mostly cook for himself, although his cooking does tend to be a bit basic. He can do pasta and protein with the occasional veggie when he feels like he has to. He can, though, make a mean cocktail, and that’s a skill Sirius has used often.

RELATIONSHIPS:

James was the first person Sirius had ever really found that understood him completely and totally. He saw James as this magnetic person he always wanted to have around. As they got older, things shifted, but Sirius never wants to lose that. Right now he feels like James is beginning to pull away and leave him behind. For what, Sirius isn’t sure. Stuffy meetings and worrying about people who take you for granted seems ridiculous to Sirius, but he tries not to say anything. James might act the part, but Sirius knows deep down he has to still be the same person. But Sirius has lost a brother before because of growing differences. He doesn’t want to do it again.

Remus is something that Sirius has always admired and thought the best of. Lately things have changed as Remus seems to make choices that Sirius doesn’t understand, and he also can’t figure out if they’re actually Remus’ choices or things being dictated to him. Sirius doesn’t like the idea that Remus is spending all his time around werewolves and wanna-be Death Eaters. Sirius doesn’t trust it and doesn’t like that Remus doesn’t have anyone with him to have his back. Lately he’s had a nagging thought that he wants to push down. If Remus won’t talk about it, what isn’t he saying? What’s going on when the Order isn’t around? Some days Sirius is afraid to find out. Others he can’t believe himself for ever doubting.

Then there’s Peter. Sirius has always suspected he’s too loud for Peter, too much. But Peter has been a loyal friend for years, always there when Sirius needs him. Lately he doesn’t see Peter as much, and while that’s hard, at least Sirius doesn’t have to worry about who he’s with. Peter’s too smart to accept a mission that sends him undercover among people with sharp dark magic skills and sharper tongues.

Lately Sirius has become enamored with the things Dorcas says, enjoying the lack of care in her voice. He remembers those days. He remembers when he wasn’t trying to temper himself to help James keep an image. She seems to agree with his frustration about the lack of progress. Her methods perhaps seem questionable, but in Sirius’ experience, the best things in life often do. He wishes the rest of his friends would remember that.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS:

I ship chemistry above all else. I really like the idea of potentially exploring an m/m relationship with Sirius but am really just open to whatever comes up with a partner of any gender identity. The only specific ship I am mildly interested in is Sirius/Remus, but looking at the bio materials, the at-odds angle seems like it will be much more fun.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

Sirius grew up being taught that muggles were inherently primitive and uncivilized, despite the neighbors sharing their very walls at 12 Grimmauld Place being muggles. He learned pretty quickly to fix his own perspective on that in school, especially when surrounded by supposedly inferior magic users like Lily who were so gifted. It was one more reason his parents were wrong, and Sirius did so love when his parents were wrong.

He had a harder time wrapping his head around the idea that not everyone could just decide to  be something different than what they were used to. Sirius always had a safety net to catch them when he was about to fall. When the final straw hit and he ran away from home, he had the Potter household to turn to, an equally pureblood, equally rich family who had the means to take him in. At a critical point when he needed his own money, Sirius received his inheritance from Alphard’s passing. Sirius has always managed to bounce up when he was at a crossroads that could have ended disastrously. The idea that someone else could be in a tricky situation with an “obvious right choice” and choose wrong because they didn’t have the resources to choose right is completely foreign to Sirius.

This sense of choice also fits into Sirius’ opinions on werewolves. He’d grown up hearing they were nothing but savage monsters, but Remus had never seemed that way. Once the other Marauders had become animagi, Sirius saw the full moons as proof that while Remus as a werewolf was wild, he was still Remus in some ways. They needed a different form, but the wolf didn’t attack them on sight. The knowledge, though flawed, gave Sirius a strong believe that the choices Remus and any other werewolf made on a full moon could be changed with the right leadup and decisions.

Back on the subject of muggles, Sirius has tried to embrace muggle culture, but he’s done so in a way that almost borders on fetish. He has spent time in muggle spaces, but it’s usually bars, movies, and other places that give him some kind of entertainment or satisfaction. He’s embraced muggle transportation, even if it did mean tweaking the motorcycle as soon as he bought it. Sirius would like to believe he has completely understood muggle culture, but in some ways he still holds on to that muggles-are-primitive mindset without realizing it. He doesn’t think they’re lesser; he just only pays attention to the things that can be of use to him.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

I love the concept of it being just the Order and the nuances that come from that. In the books, we see glimpses of just how much friction for the organization we see in Harry’s time. I can only imagine the first time around when not everyone believed he could be beaten. Everyone has a slightly different agenda, and since this rp focuses so specifically on the good, it means more time to devote to complicating what that means.

PLOT DROP IDEAS: 

I have no specific ideas, although it would be interesting to see Sirius having to deal with family-related consequences, whether that’s something like dealing with Orion’s death eventually or maybe the consequences of something anti-muggle/pro-Death Eater that his parents sponsored or created.

ANYTHING ELSE: Not that I can think of!

[bookishbitches]

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society : reaction post

Book Info - August 2018 BotM

Kelsey’s Reaction Post

Status: Complete 

Let me just start by saying that I unequivocally, absolutely adore this book and the characters and literally everything about it.

It’s a book about people and how the connections they form are the most profound, important things in the universe. It’s a romance, but more than that, it’s a book about love in all the forms it can take. It’s about war, but it’s also about how people hold up during it and how they go on in the aftermath. It doesn’t pull its punches. I laughed, I cried, I fell in love and made new friends. I lived this story with the characters and I could ask nothing more. A book that puts its characters front and center and lets them shine and be so beautifully, uniquely flawed and human is one that will always have a special place in my heart and on my bookshelf.

The epistolary format really, really worked for me. It made it really feel like I was there as this was unfolding in real time, making all these new friends through letters and keeping up with old ones. The format also let the relationships evolve so naturally. I could see them forming and shifting instead of feeling like I was being told about it. The fact that Juliet was doing research into the Occupation of the Channel Islands and telling Sidney what she learned let me learn so much as well, without making me feel like I should already know this and am only being caught up by the author so that I’m not Lacking as a reader.

On to the characters! (My favorite bit, always.)

Juliet is such a spitfire and I love her. She is the kind of person I desperately want to be friends and correspondents with. Honest and loving and passionate and so wonderfully real. She has anxiety about luncheons and writer’s block and is worried about meeting all these people she’s befriended in letters because what if they don’t like her in person? (That “what if I have fooled these people through writing into thinking I’m interesting and they find out it’s not true when we meet in person” is such a Mood). She is so friendly and open and interested in the hearts of people. She’s also a disaster at managing her own love life and I love her for it. (She jilted her affianced the day before the wedding because he boxed up her books and replaced them with trophies and I fell even more in love with her. That is a perfectly valid reason to call things off.) (If it wasn’t for Dawsey, I would propose to Juliet myself.)

Dawsey is so sweet and I love, love, loved watching him quietly fall in love with Juliet, first through his letters to her (and everyone and their mothers mentioning how he was excited that she was coming to Guernsey) and then through their actual interactions while she was on the island. He is the definition of steady and everyone is so at ease around him. He is a Protector and he is gentle until the situation calls for something else (i.e. beating the hell out of the guy who informed on Elizabeth and Peter). He just wants to take care of everyone and I’m so glad that the Literary Society helped him find his voice and the friends that he needed so badly. I just want to imagine him holding a baby animal or crouched down with Kit watching a blackbird hunt worms. (I also want to imagine him sitting with Juliet in front of the fire, Kit having dozed off in the middle of whatever she was doing, just holding Juliet’s hand and letting the comfortable silence settle around them like a favorite blanket.)

Isola is a delight. She is unapologetically herself and does what she wants and is loved for it and that is a beautiful thing to see. Like Juliet, I want to adopt her. Sometimes a family is a blogger, my new witch daughter, her goat and parrot, and a biscuit tin of letters from Oscar Wilde. Just go with it.

I was so delighted when I read Juliet’s description of Amelia and found her to be exactly as I was already picturing. Amelia is so freaking strong and I admire her greatly. I would like her to adopt me, please and thank you. (Sometimes a family is...)

Sidney is fabulous. He is so supportive and enabling and a wonderful brother to both Juliet and Sophie. I loved the reveal of his sexual orientation and how it wasn’t played as a big deal nor was it just set in there as a checkbox of LGBT+ rep. It was just part of him that Isola now knew and it was cool.

Mark can pretty much fuck off, as far as I’m concerned. I’m with Sidney in that he always felt oily and entitled. From the beginning it was clear he wasn’t right for Juliet, even if she couldn’t see it clearly. With the flowers, she was unsure if she was feeling flattered or hunted and that theme seemed to continue. He never seemed to give Juliet’s opinion much credence and acted like he was above her at all times. Also, he did not deal with rejection well and that’s always a red flag.

Mark also made Juliet feel so unsure. She was always wavering on how she felt about him, if she loved him, if she should stay with him. He made her question her plans and if she should go to Guernsey, when it seems like being decisive was an inherent personality trait of Juliet’s. (Running away twice, cultivating her love of books, deciding on the Guernsey project, just so many little things...) (Her decisions weren’t always good but they were made without much dithering.)

From the very start of the book, Juliet bemoans her love life but she is unwilling to settle (hooray Juliet!!). The line “I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with,” is what sets the tone for what she’s looking for, and eventually finds with Dawsey.

With Mark, she can never truly get a sense for who he is beyond his intellectual pursuits (showing off for her) and his entertainment preferences (again, showing off for her). He is always whisking her off to do something or another. They never seem to be silent together.

With Dawsey, she tells in one letter of the myriad of topics they discussed over dinner, and from the beginning when he was showing her around Guernsey, they could be silent together. (Cue that cozy fireplace image again.)

I just adore the growing relationship between Juliet and Dawsey. The way he always signed his letters “Yours” (or “Ever Yours”) and kept a picture of Juliet and Kit in his pocket (*swoons*). He kept the book that first brought them together in a treasure box, had one of her scented handkerchiefs and all of her letters tied up in a ribbon that she thought she’d lost. Can you get any higher quality pining than this???? I think not!! He even read Anne Bronte novels because Juliet wrote a biography of the woman. And Juliet! Slowly realizing her feelings and then doing some quality pining herself when she thinks he doesn’t feel the same. Also, the way that Dawsey started talking more and opening up like a flower in the sun when Juliet came to the island/was corresponding with him, and the way he shut back down post Mark visit. This is what I love. Mutual pining between two oblivious people meant for each other.

And Juliet proposing? Iconic. Showstopping. Perfect. Even if Dawsey did injure himself and take the Lord’s name in vain. I’m glad it was from Isola’s point of view so we knew all that. Neither Juliet or Dawsey would be able to coherently tell about it. I’m just so happy that they are getting married immediately and will have their little family on Guernsey with Kit and the rest of the Literary Society and it’s just so wonderful.

I want to read this all over again immediately, and I might. As soon as I watch the Netflix adaptation which is queued up for when I finish writing this. Before I do that though, I want to give a huge thanks to @skyler10fic whose wholehearted recommendation of this book led to us choosing to read it this month. I can’t thank you enough!! I think books really do have a homing instinct to find their perfect readers - though sometimes they are helped along by great friends. ♥

- Kelsey

more on this book || all reaction posts || kelsey’s reaction posts

[padawanlost]

I've never really been able to tell what Count Dooku's motivations were in the clone wars. Did he just want to rule the galaxy like Sidious? Or did he have another reason for doing what he did? And did he have any idea about Sidious' plans for turning Anakin?

Dooku is areally interesting character but he never got the development he deserved. Themovies barely scratched the surface but the EU give some interesting pieces of information. Here is what we know about him (and how it influenced him and his lateractions as a Sith):

He had apretty normal upbringing within the Jedi Order, he was considered talented andwas well liked. But he knew about his birth family and the power and fortunethey had. I don’t know how much that knowledge influenced his personality, butDooku is portrayed as more haughty than the average Jedi. valuing things likepower and birth over skill (that’s why he had such a problem with Anakin butmore on that later).

[Dooku] did not think of it as pride, anyway. It was assurance.Assurance of his abilities merely grew with each mission, as it should. Yoda had mistaken sureness for pride, whichis exactly what he had warned Dooku not to do. And if it was pride for Dooku tothink of himself as wiser than Yoda in this instance, Dooku wasn’t concerned.Yoda was not always right. [Jude Watson’s Legacy of the Jedi]

Dookubecome a Jedi and decided he would train a talented and powerful padawan calledQui-Gon Jinn.

Now he was a Master with an apprentice. Qui-Gon Jinn had been the most promising ofthe Padawans, and Dooku had maneuvered to get him the first time he saw him inlightsaber training, at ten years old. Dookuknew that a Master would be judged by the prowess of his Padawan, and he wantedthe best of the best. When Yoda had given his approval of the match, Dookuhad been satisfied. Another step had been taken toward his goal — to surpassYoda as the greatest Jedi ever. [Jude Watson’s Legacy of the Jedi]

“Your flaw is your need for connection tothe living Force. Qui-Gon, the galaxy is crowded with beings. The Jedi Order ishere to support you. Nevertheless you must carry the following knowledge inyour heart,” Dooku said. “Youare always alone, and betrayal is inevitable.” [Jude Watson’s Legacyof the Jedi]

During hisJedi years, as he witnessed the failings of the Jedi Order and the corruptionin the Senate he became more and more disillusioned with both. One of theturning points was the Battle of Galidraan (where a lot of Jedi died and killedon the orders of a corrupt politician working with the Death Watch).

It was a massacre; and the Jedi had carried itout, pawns of the corrupt Galidraangovernor, who had set up the Mandalorian army for his own agenda. Lookingback on it, Dooku saw it was the tippingpoint that had changed his life. It was the moment he had started to think. Ibelieved my Masters. I didn’t think for myself. They didn’t question, either;they took the governor at his word. They just believed. And we killed people.We killed them on the say-so of a criminal. [Karen Traviss’ the Clone Wars.]

He tried to change things, he told people abouthis fears but it all went ignored. When the Naboo Crisis started he wasdone with both the Order and Republic. Once he heard the news of Qui-Gon’sdeath he picked up his things and left.

 His discontent hadcontinued to grow and fester; his frustration with the Republic Senate,with ineffectual Supreme Chancellor Valorum, with the shortsightedness ofthe Jedi Council members themselves. A Trade Federation blockade of Naboo,rumors of a Chosen One found on a desert world, the death of Qui-Gon Jinnat the hands of a Sith … How could the Council members not seewhat was happening? How could they continue to claim that the dark sideobscured all?

Dooku had said as much to anyone who would listen. He wore hisdiscontent on the sleeve of his robes. Though they hadn’t enjoyed the smoothest ofstudent–teacher relationships, he and Yoda had spoken openly of the portents. ButYoda was living proof of a conservatism that came with extended life. Dooku’strue confidant had been Master Sifo-Dyas, who, while also disturbed by what wasoccurring, was too weak to take action.

The Battle of Naboo hadrevealed that the Sith were back in the open, and that a Sith Lord was at worksomewhere. The Sith Lord: the one born with the power needed to take the finalstep. Dooku had given thought to seeking him out, perhaps killing him.But even what little faith he placed in the prophecy was enough to raise doubtthat the death of a Sith could halt the advance of the dark side. Another wouldcome, and another. [JamesLuceno’s Labyrinth of Evi]

Here is his final letter to the Jedi Council:

For many years, I have served the Jedi Order and done my best to honorthe traditions of the Jedi. Today I am compelled to announce that I am leavingthe Order. It is not unreasonable for anyone to wonder why I have decided toleave at this time. Yes, I am aware of various allegedly discreet queries fromthose searching for a reason. Therecent, tragic loss of my former pupil, Qui-Gon singly corrupt Senate? Some ofmy contemporaries have suggested that seeds of discontent were planted twelveyears ago, at the Battle of Galidraan. While I cannot deny that these eventshave left their mark on me, I will only allow that the time has come that I canno longer be a Jedi. As most of you are aware, financial resources are atmy disposal on my home-world, Serenno. While I would like to think my manyyears of devoted service to the Order disavows any notions that I am yieldingto economic circumstances, I will enlighten those who don’t know me so wellwith a certain piece of wisdom that I have always found true: money creates asmany problems as it does opportunities. It is my plan to return to Serenno andserve my people as a philanthropist. It is my last request as a Jedi Masterthat you respect my decision, as well as my privacy. Good-bye, old friends, andmay the Force be with you.

Dooku and Palpatine werefriends. He was the one who told Palpatine about Anakin’s chosen one status.Palpatine was aware of Dooku’s unhappiness and he knew he would be looking forhim so he approached Dooku with a proposition to “save the galaxy”:

As it happened, therehad been no need to hunt for Sidious, for it was Sidious who had approachedhim. Sidious’s boldness surprised him at first, but it hadn’t taken longfor Dooku to become fascinated by the Sith. Instead of a lightsaber duel to thedeath, there had been much discussion, and a gradual understanding that theirseparate visions for how the galaxy might be rescued from depravity werenot so different after all. [James Luceno’s Labyrinth of Evi]

“depravity” - keep that word in your mind!

Dooku’s goal was to “savethe galaxy” by removing the Senate and the Jedi. Once they were gone so wouldthe corruption and he and Palpatine would be free to build a better world. In away, Palpatine played with his hopes the same way he did with Anakin. hepretended he shared Dooku’s feelings, offered a solution and used him as his pawn.

Which brings us to Anakin andObi-wan. Dooku knew Palpatine wanted Anakin but he still believed Obi-wan was abetter choice:

“May I suggest, Master, that we give Kenobi one last chance? Thesupport of a Jedi of his integrity would be invaluable in establishing thepolitical legitimacy of our Empire.” “Ah, yes. Kenobi.” His Master’s voice wentsilken. “You have long been interestedin Kenobi, haven’t you?” “Of course. His Master was my Padawan; in a sense,he’s practically my grandson—” “Heis too old. Too indoctrinated. Irretrievably poisoned by Jedi fables. Weestablished that on Geonosis, did we not? In his mind, he serves the Forceitself; reality is nothing in the face of such conviction.” [Matthew Stover’s Revengeof the Sith]

“But I must ask, my Master: is Skywalker truly the man we want?”“He is powerful. Potentially more powerful than even myself.” “Which isprecisely,” Dooku said meditatively, “why it might be best if I were to killhim, instead.” “Are you so certain that you can?” “Please. Of what use is powerunstructured by discipline? The boy is as much a danger to himself as he is tohis enemies. And that mechanical arm—”Dooku’s lip curled with cultivateddistaste. “Revolting.” “Then perhaps you should have spared his real arm.”“Hmp. A gentleman would have learned tofight one-handed.” Dooku flicked a dismissive wave. “He’s no longer evenentirely human. With Grievous, the use of these bio-droid devices is almostforgivable; he was such a disgusting creature already that his mechanical partsare clearly an improvement. But a blendof droid and human? Appalling. The depths of bad taste. How are we to justifyassociating with him?” [Matthew Stover’s Revenge of the Sith]

Dooku is ableist. He doesn’tcare about Anakin’s power at all. He’s far more interested in the lesspowerful but “wholesome” Kenobi.  And thataffects his view of a “better galaxy”:

A government clean, pure, direct: none of the messy scramble for the favor of ignorantrabble and subhuman creatures thatmade up the Republic he so despised. The government he would serve would beAuthority personified. Human authority.[Matthew Stover’s Revenge of the Sith]

Dooku’s ideology is disgustingand he hides it worse than Palpatine. He wants the save the galaxy from those heconsider subhuman creates so he can enjoy peace for those he deems worthy (theclean, pure ones). He wants to end the depravity! That’s why he is so interested in Obi-wan and why he loathesAnakin. Dooku is motivated by his prejudices and his own arrogance.That’s all he truly wants: a world where humans rules and everyone who doesn’t look or sound like him is considered inferior and treated as such.

[forest-of-stories]

The “Evolution” of a Problematic Shipper

[I’ve been working on this lengthy post, which is about my early adventures in X-Men: Evolution fanfiction, for a very long time.  So, here it is, friends.  Please note a content warning for some discussion of abuse, mostly in fiction.  Also, my individual recollections are my own, and extremely subjective; others might remember the fandom differently than I do.]

Quite a few years ago, I wrote about how X-Men: Evolution was “the first fandom in which I participated heavily: watching the show as it aired, obsessing with other fans about the stories and relationships within, and writing reams and reams of (mostly very bad) fic.”  I still think that this is somewhat true; XME certainly inspired me to do all of those things more publicly and enthusiastically than I ever had before, especially where my One True Pairing was concerned.

For those who don’t know, X-Men: Evolution, which ran from 2000 to 2003, was essentially an animated High School AU of the X-Men comics in which our heroes lived and trained at the Xavier Institute but attended classes at their local high school.  For the first couple of seasons, mutants weren’t public knowledge as they are in the comics or movies, so a few characters used their powers for the first time without understanding what was going on.

The second episode, “The X-Impulse,” introduced viewers to (this world’s version of) Kitty Pryde, a lonely, sheltered fifteen-year-old who was terrified of her newly awakened ability to walk through walls, and to Lance Alvers, a juvenile delinquent whose own powers caused him to make awkward faces and terrible puns (and also earthquakes, I guess).  When they met, Lance seemed happy and excited to meet someone else with super-powers, but he quickly developed a plan to manipulate Kitty into helping him in his criminal shenanigans.  He presented himself as helpful and supportive, gained her trust, and, when she refused him help him, became aggressive and violent toward her and her family.  The episode ended with Kitty recruited by the X-Men and Lance joining the bad guys, and the two of them spent the rest of the season as enemies.

Watching this episode for the first time as a teenager, I knew that Lance’s behavior toward Kitty was wrong and abusive.  And yet, there was something about their early interactions that captured my imagination.  Maybe it was the fact that, whatever else might have happened, he was the first person to show her how to find confidence and joy in her powers.  Maybe it was the hug that they shared, or his line, “Once you own it, nothing can own you,” or the possibility, thwarted though it might have been, that they could have formed an understanding despite very different backgrounds and attitudes.  I liked forbidden romances, and I liked flipping the script to make unquestioned heroes seem villainous and villains seem sympathetic, and I liked when characters rebelled against controlling authority figures and communities, which is how I reimagined the X-Men when I first started writing about them.  I’m not saying that I explored any of those ideas well, but they were what started me writing: at first in collaboration with a friend from summer camp, who still deserves a lot of the credit, and then on my own.  I posted my solo stories on Fanfiction.net, where this fandom would enjoy some remarkable popularity that I’m not sure has ever transferred to any other platform.

I wrote about Lance infiltrating the X-Men (with psychic shields in place), and having to choose between his original mission and his romance with Kitty, whose own commitment to her team and its mission was starting to waver.  I wrote about her trying to figure out her identity beyond her friends’ expectations of her, even as Lance tried to be a better and less destructive person.  I wrote about Charles Xavier mind-controlling Kitty into dismissing Lance and falling back into unquestioning loyalty, giving way to several well-received sequels in which some of the characters tried to free themselves and each other from Xavier’s telepathic chokehold.  I wrote without much direction or concern for established continuity and characterization, and assumed the whole time that the show would never explore what I saw as the unrecognized potential of my OTP.  When canon actually went there, I was as surprised as anybody.

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After Lance had spent the entire premiere of Season 2, “Growing Pains,” acting like a complete jerk to Kitty and her friends, his destructiveness endangered her life, and he saved her.  They became romantically involved soon afterward, and he became noticeably less of a jerk toward her and slightly less of a jerk toward others.  The series of fics that I was working on had decisively departed from continuity by this point, but I still incorporated elements of the season premiere into the installment that I was posting at the time.  And my fellow Lance/Kitty shippers, believing that canon had vindicated us, were transported with joy.  

If XME were popular today, I believe that there would be a lot more pushback against Lance/Kitty, in both good and bad ways.  Even at the time, the pairing was not universally beloved.  There were probably those who thought that its dysfunctional beginnings outweighed any potential for functionality or sweetness, and there were definitely those who thought that both characters would be better off with someone else.  It’s tempting to rewrite history with claims that “in my day, we shipped and let ship,” and it’s true that yesterday’s shipping conflicts didn’t use all of the same weapons that today’s do, but the fandom was still full of snarky, self-important brats who, no matter which side of any given argument we were on, believed that only we understood these characters and this world.

I say “we,” because I was not exempt from these behaviors.  I’ve sometimes thought that participation in this fandom brought out some of my worst habits.  But a lot of positive things came out of it as well.  It gave me the inspiration and confidence to write more prolifically than I ever had before (or maybe even since), and a chance to explore ideas that became deeply important to me: perhaps most importantly, I don’t think I’d written so extensively or publicly about the horrors of mind control.  Mutual devotion to our show and its fandom, and mutual conviction that Lance and Kitty were meant to be, connected me with a number of friends with whom I started exchanging emails and IMs and LiveJournal comments, and I’ve kept in touch with a couple of them to this day.  And even though I didn’t always respond constructively to attention and validation, XME fandom gave me what I think fandom has given a lot of creative young people: a wider audience for my writing, and a community who cared about the lives and feelings of cartoon characters as much as I did, and in many of the same ways.  My experience in this fandom was as uneven and as flawed (dare one say… problematic?), and often as delightful, as the show that inspired it.

And, for me, it had all started with Lance and Kitty.   As the show progressed, and for years after it ended, I continued to write more canon-compliant one-shot stories about them: missing scenes or predictions for the future. Their relationship was a given in more or less everything I wrote, whether or not they were the focus, and even when I’d fallen deeply into other fandoms, I still regarded it with nostalgic fondness.

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I think that a lot of us have faced an uncomfortable tension between our social consciences and our nostalgia for the uncomplicated adoration with which we viewed our “problematic faves” as children.  I can’t provide a one-size-fits-all solution for that conflict.  I don’t know if one exists.

“Although I'm not going to say that I never thought that I'd be engaging with XME again in any way,” I blogged in late 2013, as my local cartoon-watching group began the first season, “I was somewhat surprised that I had any feelings about this show left, or anything else to say.”  But I did, and I said a lot of it in short ficlets of less than 500 words, which - since I was in graduate school at the time - were usually all that my energy levels would allow.

At around the same time, I started reading fandom-related posts on Tumblr, including the ones that stated or implied that redemption arcs in fiction, and/or shipping characters with people who had mistreated them, were universally bad because they would increase the likelihood of real-life abuse.  It’s not like I had never thought about that aspect of Lance and Kitty’s relationship (I’d addressed it more than once in the intervening time), but something about phrasing of those posts - or maybe something about my own mental state when I saw them - sent me into a spiral of self-doubt.  I wondered I would have to publicly apologize for and cast aside my affection for a pairing and a narrative that had been so deeply formative for me.  I wondered if my friends would consider me an abuse apologist if I didn’t, or even whether I might secretly be one.  

One of the reasons why it took me a long time to write this retrospective is that I wanted to avoid too many lengthy tangents or blanket statements about critical consumption of media, the toxic elements of “anti-shipping,” and the relationship between fiction and reality.  I do believe that such a relationship exists, but it’s much more complicated than “impure fiction is dangerous, especially if people might be enjoying it in ways that are not politically conscious or wholesome enough.”  Anybody who reads my blog knows that I am intensely critical of purity culture, and I do not believe in being unkind to real people on behalf of fictional characters (and I say this as someone who used to do exactly that).  Also, if you were going to ask, “So you’re saying you support [taboo and/or illegal act]?” please don’t.  I am not saying that, and we are not having that conversation.  Not all “problematic” stories are interchangeable or should be talked about in the same way, and all of the issues that surround them are bigger and more complex than any individual character or romantic arc.

So I am not suggesting that Lance and Kitty’s own romantic arc should not have happened, or that people shouldn’t enjoy it, when I point out that was built on some incredibly inappropriate behavior that reflects toxic cultural attitudes  even if it doesn’t “normalize” or “promote” them, and I can understand why some people (including at least one of my Cartoon Night buddies) would see it as irresponsible storytelling.   In “Growing Pains,” Lance harassed Kitty despite her trying to tell him off, used his powers in publicly destructive ways in order to hold her attention, and tried to keep her from leaving school with her friends.  Even when his protective leap caused her to regard him as something besides an enemy, it seemed to be setting up an arc in which her love - or the possibility of her love - would make him a better person. 

In reality, of course, it’s unrealistic at best for anyone to expect that they can “change” or “improve” the morality of a partner who has treated them (or others) badly.  But it’s an enjoyable and compelling fantasy, as are the “opposites attract” and “forbidden love” aspects of the pairing, all of which we shippers ate up with a spoon.  It’s vital for shippers to recognize the difference between reality and fiction, but it is not my place to assume - based solely upon the nature of the fantasy - that they’re unable to do so.

And, in-universe, I can absolutely understand why sheltered, idealistic Kitty might have given in to this fantasy.  But it doesn’t play out in the way that she - or I - initially expected.

I’ve seen the Season 2 episode “Joyride” so many times that I didn’t have to rewatch it in order to write this essay.  That’s the one in which Lance briefly joined the X-Men, in order to be close to Kitty and, hopefully, to become the kind of person that she might admire.  The story was full of cute moments in which they flirted, bantered, and ultimately worked together to solve a crisis.  It also spotlighted one of the biggest obstacles to their relationship, and despite what a lot of fanfic - including my own - suggested, that did not come from their respective teams’ objections.  Professor Xavier even encouraged Lance’s potential for redemption (which didn’t stop me from reading, writing, and endorsing fic in which he regularly meddled in his students’ love lives), and the other characters reacted to the situation in a variety of understandable, if not always admirable, ways.  No, the telling moment occurred when the team was running through aquatic rescue scenarios, and Lance cheerfully broke rank and “drowned” two other people in order to pull Kitty out of the water.  Here was his entire approach to redemption and to their relationship, summed up in one gesture: he wanted to ensure her safety and well-being, but didn’t always care what or whom he knocked down in the process.  This became even clearer toward the end of the season, when he tried unsuccessfully to chase her (and only her) away from a fight between their two teams, although her friends would still be in danger. This tension exploded in the third episode of Season 3, when Lance and his friends once again attacked the X-Men on school grounds, and Kitty shouted, “This is the real you, isn’t it?” Lance responded, “That’s right! I’m never going to be good enough for you!” (I typed that out from memory, too.)

Naturally, my fellow shippers and I were devastated by this development, and I, for one, wrote lots of angsty fic (often interspersed with the lyrics to late 1990s/early 2000s pop music)  in which the former couple pined for each other despite having been Torn Apart By Circumstances.  Years later, however, I’m proud of Kitty, and of the writers, for drawing that line in the sand, and for realizing that - although, as Charles pointed out, it would have been a good start - it wasn’t enough for Lance to be good for her.  Whether or not this was an intentional writing choice, the later seasons reflected an awareness that he was primarily the one responsible for making himself a better person.  

Yes, after Lance and his comrades joined the climactic battle even though he’d insisted at first that he didn’t care, he and Kitty got back together in the series finale. There were probably viewers who thought their reconciliation hadn’t been earned, as well as those who thought it had been.  Obviously, eighteen-year-old Nevanna (by then in her first semester of college) was one of the latter.  But I appreciate the time that they spent apart, and the fact that it came at least as much from from internal motivations as from external pressure, far more as an adult than I did as a teenager.

To be clear: you don’t have to like Lance/Kitty or pairings like it.  When I say that I regard it differently now, I am not trying to assert that “my ship is Unproblematic after all, so there!” because it isn’t.  Nor am I trying to suggest, “It’s okay that I had a Bad Ship, because I regret it now, and the rest of you are filthy sinners who should do the same.” I don’t, and you’re not, and you shouldn’t.  Or, rather, how you feel about your past shipping, and what kind of person it makes you, is not for me to decide.

I loved and built upon this pairing both despite and because of its problems, and that is one of the reasons why I try not to condemn other people - as long as they maintain that all-important boundary between fantasy and reality - for loving and building upon stories that have similar problems, or different ones altogether.

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I was sixteen when I first started writing XME fanfic.  I’m thirty-three now.  I can easily imagine some of you asking, “When are you going to get over these imaginary fake not-real cartoon characters and get a life, Nevanna?” That is, I hope that my friends, whom I love and who love me, aren’t thinking along those lines, but it’s certainly a question that I have asked myself more than once.

Even when I was cheerfully participating in fandom in my youth, I still feared that my obsessions with fictional characters were bad for me, a sign that I wasn’t equipped to deal with or care about “real life.” In one diary entry, I wrote with certainty that I would have to abandon my fannish interests entirely when I started college.  If a large contingent of fans had loudly insisted that my interests were not only bad for me but bad for the world, that I was actively hurting others simply by writing about my chosen subject matter, that I was likely to enable or engage in actual criminal activity… I’m not sure what I would have done, but it probably wouldn’t have been what they wanted me to do, and it likely would have made me an even more unpleasant person to be around.

I tried my best to balance academic obligations with fandom and creativity when I did enter college, and sometimes failed spectacularly, but that owed as much to anxiety and poor time management skills, both of which are still everyday challenges for me, as it did to caring “too much” about stories.  I eventually earned a master’s degree, and found a series of jobs, in a field that is just a bit concerned with making sure people get to read whatever they want.  If I’m still “getting a life,” which I believe is an ongoing process, then my fandoms are just one part of it.  And after all this time, X-Men: Evolution is still one of those fandoms.  I find it easy and comforting and fun to write about these characters, and the only person who gets to decide whether I’m “over” them is myself.  

The last time I wrote anything that focused specifically on Lance and Kitty was a little more than two years ago, and the fic didn’t shy away from the troubled history of their relationship.  I have a preference for stories that at least acknowledge that history and the tension that comes with it, but I would never barge in and assume that because a content creator doesn’t check those boxes, they support real-life abusive relationships.

Would I still ship Lance and Kitty if I encountered them for the first time today? It’s difficult to say. Many aspects of their relationship are still things that I enjoy in fiction.  But my early interest in them was based on a specific set of assumptions about the characters, their world, and even the purpose of fanfiction, as well as, yes, some amount of ignorance about how romance and attraction worked.  I don’t want to enjoy their story, or others, solely in the way that I did when I was younger.  Most of the time, I prefer the all the ways that I enjoy stories now.

As I said earlier, I’m not proud of some of my actions in the XME fandom.  I regret sneering at the fanbase for another popular pairing that had dysfunctional beginnings, as if my OTP didn’t.  (The two pairings didn’t even have any common characters, so it’s not as if they challenged each other as far as I know, not that my attitude would have been okay even if they had.  I think I partly just enjoyed hating what so many people liked.)  I regret participating in an LJ community that publicly mocked specific people’s writing.  I regret sticking my nose into people’s reviews just to beg them to read my latest chapter, but not as much as I regret leaving at least one hostile review, with a very thin veneer of playfulness, when half of my OTP hooked up with another character in the middle of a multi-chapter fic.   And, all of that aside, there is a much longer list of regrettable choices that I made as a writer.  But I don’t regret looking at Lance and Kitty in their introductory episode and thinking, “There’s a story there, and I want to find out where it might go.”

[i-may-have-a-point]

Review of 14x03 “Go Big or Go Home”

“She’s still grumpy, huh?”  If you read my season 13 reviews, you know that I often criticized who Meredith had become, or more accurately, who the writers had written her to be.  Meredith, at her core, is dark and twisty, but in earlier seasons she still had basic kindness.  Seasons 12 and 13 Meredith did not.  She was bitter, snarky, and unrelatable.  Season 14 Meredith has, so far, been written much better.  And even though she spent most of this episode being angry, it was written in a way that was human.  She acknowledged her anger and dealt with it instead of just being nasty to everyone in her path.  This is a huge improvement in the writing for Meredith, in my opinion.  And since they are letting Meredith acknowledge and deal with her emotions, it makes sense that her patient would also be her therapist. Kill two birds with one stone, right?   This way Meredith can practice medicine and process her feelings.  I would have appreciated the “I am done with triangles,” line if the first major promo of the season hadn’t been solely about love triangles.  Instead, it just made me yell at my TV.  The blood clot that the psychiatrist has represents Meredith’s inability to tell Nathan how she feels.  His heart is blocked.  Her heart is blocked.  Until it isn’t and Meredith’s feelings spill out.  “You don’t have to lie.  You have to fight.  Show her that you love her.  Remind her of why she fell in love with you.  Make her see that she is your first and only choice.  Please don’t blow this.”  Not one line of that was about Megan.  

Speaking of Megan, she looks rougher recovering from surgery than she did after being held captive for ten years.

Benley – Once again, I am 100% here for them being the side couple who are happy to rub each other’s feet in a cute little scene but not be a prominent storyline.  Side note – Do Benley have a foot fetish?  Last week it was the shoes, and in every bedroom scene he is rubbing her feet.  I mean, whatever works.  I’m just wondering…

Arizona and Carina – They are having great sex, guys.  They really want us to know that.  Better than Eliza sex. Skilled sex.  Incredible sex. And good for Arizona.  Go on girl, get yours.  But…I’m not invested in them yet.  I want to hear about great sex with a couple I am rooting for.  I need more from this to fully jump on board this ship.  

Webber – I don’t think I mentioned this last week, but I am happy to see Webber back as the wise old sage.

Jolex – Yay for kissing in the elevator.  And the parking lot. And Alex moving back home. Like I said last week, I love happy Jolex, but I can’t help but wonder when the other shoe will drop.

Maluca – I was a Maluca shipper before we wanted Maggie as far away from Jackson as possible.  I said last week that I thought we should watch these two because of Carina telling Maggie that Andrew thinks she’s beautiful and Maggie clearly reacting to it.  And in this episode, they have two scenes together, one entirely discussing their relationship that leads to, like last week, Maggie calling Webber her father.  Plus, in the promo for next week, they are standing next to one another in Amelia’s room. Nothing is completely clear yet, but I still say that this may be something.  

Amelia – Caterina is playing this story well.  Amelia questioning every decision she has ever made over the last several years is heartbreaking.  And can I just applaud the writers for moving this story along?  If this story had happened last season, no one would have found out about her tumor for at least eight episodes.  I cannot be more thankful for continuity and movement this season.  My favorite scene was when Owen realized he was looking at Amelia’s scans.  Owen moving from anger to realization to pain in seconds was captured perfectly.

 Maggie/Jackson – I didn’t watch live so when I saw the tweets about Maggie touching Jackson I thought it was much bigger than what it was.  There was no ambiguity in their looks.  They looked uncomfortable, and he looked mildly annoyed.  I have a guy at my work who hugs me without asking.  I give him the same look that Jackson gave Maggie.  There was no flirtation, sexual tension, or spark.  Just awkwardness.  The writers had to do something with this story because it was brought up in the finale, so they decided to try and make it funny.  We know it is failing, and I think they do, too, whether they admit it or not.  But I see why they went this route.  It’s all part of fixing what was broken with the writing.  The way they are “fixing” the writing issues of last season are all pretty clear: make a joke out of it (Jackson/Maggie), a brain tumor (Omelia), pretend it didn’t happen (Jolex), or correct major writing flaws (Griggs).  I think that because there is such a reaction to this story, the writers thought they could bank on that and use it for comedy. They were wrong, but I see the thinking behind the decision.

Harper Avery/Jackson/April – The ONLY reason Harper Avery is in this episode is to say what he said to Jackson. He says he is there to discuss some issues he has with how the hospital has spent money, but all of that is glossed over and the focus is only on the message Harper has for Jackson.  Think about it.  They could have killed Harper off screen, and just told Jackson and been done with it. Instead, they purposely chose to bring him on screen and let us watch him call April Jackson’s wife and tell Jackson that he is like his father.  And, I know this is controversial, but I partially agree with Harper on this.  April should not have gone to Jordan the second time, but I don’t see her going as a reason for divorce.  You divorce someone because they are mean, violent, a terrible person, or they cheat.  You don’t divorce someone who is mentally broken over the loss of their child.  She absolutely hurt him, but he used that as his way out.  Whether Jackson wants to admit it or not, Robert taught him that when things are tough, you leave.  And he did. Yes, he is still there physically (for now?)  but he still walked away.  (I am ready for the messages telling me I am wrong on that point.  Go ahead.  But I will always believe Jackson has some Robert Avery inside of him.) If I am right, Jackson’s journey this season began with finding and confronting his dad last season.  He thought he needed to do that to deal with and close the trust and abandonment issues he has in his life, but I would argue that seeing Robert just ripped the hole inside him wide open.  Finding his father after just becoming a father has sent Jackson on a journey to figure out what being an Avery means to him.  Is he like Harper who seems cold, distant, and unfeeling but has unparalleled business sense and values family?  Is he like Robert who always felt not quite good enough to carry the Avery name and decided it was easier on the Averys, his wife, and his child if he was no longer a part of the picture?  Or is he someone else entirely?  Does he have the ability to be a strong business man and a strong family man?  I think Jackson will find out this season who he is as an Avery and what is ultimately important to him.  He is still under the shadow of his father and grandfather, but Harper’s death will change that.  We will either see a reappearance of Robert trying to step back in or Jackson stepping up and doing things his way.  If I am right, I think this is the perfect story for Jackson, and this journey is necessary for him to be able to have a meaningful, lasting relationship.

We have been told April has a complicated journey this season.  I think this journey started with April telling Jackson she was in pain last week and is a little clearer this week.  I think April’s journey is a mental health journey.  I am not saying April is crazy.  Far from it.  However, she has been through multiple deep traumas, and she hasn’t fully dealt with any of them.  Speaking up for what SHE needed last week was the first time, maybe ever, that we have seen April make a decision with her best interests above everyone else’s. This doesn’t mean she does not love Jackson anymore or wants to move on.  She clearly still loves him.  But for once, she is taking care of herself.  Good for her, because like Jackson’s journey, she has to fix what she is dealing with before she can be in a meaningful, lasting relationship.  This episode, in a way, walked the audience and April back through many of her traumas.  The brought up several of the major things April has dealt with over the years for a reason.  They are reminding us what she has been through and what she still needs to deal with. We see that April is hurting from the beginning when she is (as always) a supportive friend to Arizona, even though it hurts.  April has been a shoulder to lean on for many of the other characters, yet she hasn’t had one in return.  Jackson is the only confidant and support she has had, but she cannot lean on him right now. The Nicole Herman mention is used as a part of Ameila’s story, but we can’t hear that name and not flash back in our minds to April and Jackson holding their dying son in that dimly lit hospital room.  The Matthew flash-mob proposal mention hints at another moment that April has to be still dealing with mentally.  In no way do I think she regrets marrying Jackson, but leaving Matthew, who whether you like him or not is a good man, went against everything she believes and tested her moral compass.  (Side note: I saw all the tweets praying that Matthew doesn’t come back.  You might see him again.  Don’t make it more than what it is.  Closure for April.)  I think at this point April is questioning herself, her choices, her actions, and everything she believes.  Because “No matter how many vows you make, you still end up in a new apartment and don’t see your kid half the time.”  April believed in promises and vows and happily ever afters.  But did any of that work out for her?  Is that her fault?  And where does she go next?  In the end, the camera focuses on April as the voiceover asks, “How do we save lives when ours may be falling apart?”  And that is exactly how April feels right now.  Her life has fallen apart.  And what is she supposed to do about it?

Jackson and April’s journeys, if I am right, are tough this season, and I think we will see them mostly face their obstacles alone.  Because they need to.  Jackson needs to learn how to trust, and April needs to make herself happy before they can come back together.  Otherwise, they will have the same problems and end up right back where they are.  For those of you that think they are done, go back and look at the scenes they were in.  Japril is the underlying message, the elephant in the room, the unspoken word in most, if not all of them.  Harper Avery’s dying message to Jackson was to bring his WIFE and CHILD to dinner and not to be like his father.  That line is completely unnecessary to a Jackson storyline that is only about HAF and does not involve April.  April easily could have helped those sixteen-year-olds go to the dance without relating it to her personal story.  Sarah plays comedy well and those scenes could have been written that way if her storyline is not going to involve Jackson, but they weren’t.  I see everyone’s frustration, and I get it. However, I THINK we may be at the beginning of a beautiful story of Jackson and April finding themselves, and then each other, if we are patient enough to wait for it.