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lovely-van · 5 years ago

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beige - van mccann

You know you're beautiful But that ain't half the gold treasure in your soul that you got 'Cause I want it all With your fingers in my mouth, I fail to see your faults So please don't let me fall So please don't let me fall...

- Beige by Yoke Lore

word count: 12k+ (yes i know but i’m not sorry)

notes: oh my god okay i love this story so much. based on a request where you and van are friends that fall in love but both don’t think the other feels the same way. not based technically on the song beige by yoke lore but i really love the song and it’s very cute and the meaning behind it is fucking amazing (definitely look it up on genius.com). anyway i really hope you like it and lmk what you think! enjoy :))

• • •

You met Van when you were nine.

Of course, back then, he still went by Ryan.

He was kicking a football around in his front lawn, right across the street from your own house. You were on the sidewalk in front of your house, scribbling designs on the concrete with chalk when you noticed him.

You’d only moved in a few weeks earlier and hadn’t realized that you had a neighbor your own age. You giggled as he nearly tripped over the ball, trying to do some fancy trick. He huffed, trying to do the trick again and failing. “You’re not very good at that, y’know.”

His head shot up at the sound of your voice, looking around in confusion. His eyes locked on you and he shrugged. “I’m trying to learn!” he shouted from across the street.

You stood up, wiping some chalk dust from your overalls and skipped across the street. “Here, it’s not that hard. I’ll help you.” He watched, his young face concentrated, as you showed him how to bounce the ball back and forth on your knees.

After a few minutes of trying it himself, he did it successfully. A grin spread across his face, cheeks flushed and dimples showing. “Wow, thanks,” he said. “My name’s Ryan. What’s yours?”

That was how it all started.

You and Van soon became best friends. You spent everyday together, exploring your neighborhood, climbing trees, coming up with all kinds of games that stretched every part of your imagination. He attended a different school, public versus your private school that your mother insisted you go to. But you didn’t mind because as soon as he got home, he’d come running to your front door and knock on it, waiting there with the same cheesy grin every time.

You made other friends throughout the years, some girls from school and he had friends from his own class but you were always each other’s closest friends. In the summer, you’d grab sleeping bags and flashlights and lay under the stars in his backyard. You’d talk for hours about what you wanted to be when you were older, how you couldn’t wait until you were big enough to drive a car or have your own house.

•

You were eleven when you realized how special Van was.

It was a sunny afternoon on a Saturday and you and Van were climbing trees in his backyard. It was late autumn, so the air was crisp and all the leaves had fully changed colors, ready to shrivel up and float down to the grass below at any moment.

“Alright, just grab that branch right there,” he said, pointing to a tree branch a few inches above you. He was already much higher than you and guiding you to get to where he was. You dug your feet into the branch you were standing on to make sure it was sturdy, and you reached up, fingers just grasping the bark-

And then you were falling, falling and before you could even comprehend it, you hit the ground. You landed directly on your right leg and you screamed, the pain overwhelming you immediately.

Van flew down the tree, jumping the last few feet. “Oh my God, are you okay?”

You shook your head quickly, biting your lip as hard as you could to try and hold back the tears that were stinging your eyes.

“Okay, don’t worry I’m gonna go get someone. It’s gonna be okay,” he said quickly, rubbing your back and then sprinting toward his house.

Turns out you’d broken your leg in two places. You had to wear a cast for at least six weeks and you were extremely bummed that you couldn’t play the rest of your fall football season. You and Van were even on the same team, always carpooling to games together and messing around during tournaments.

The day after you got your cast, you heard a knock on your bedroom door. You were lying in bed reading a book, feeling sorry for yourself when you saw Van peep his head in. “Hi,” he said with a small smile.

“Oh, hi. What are you doing here? Don’t you have practice?” you asked as he sat down on the bed next to you.

He shrugged. “I quit.”

“You quit? Why?”

“I didn’t want to play without you.”

•

You were thirteen when you shared your first kiss.

You were both in your old treehouse, watching the sunset through the window.

“Van?” you repeated, pondering it. He nodded, leaning his head back on the wood, a dreamy smile on his face. “How come?”

“Ryan’s so boring. I wanna be like Van Morrison, a rockstar and all that. So, Van, which is short for Evan - it totally works.”

You nodded, your lips curling up into a smile. The sky was turning a purple-orange hazy color, your absolute favorite. You loved sunsets more than just about anything. If you were doing homework or watching TV or something, Van would toss rocks at your window, just like in the movies, to make sure you didn’t miss it. You’d always go outside and watch the sunset with him, usually from your backyard or even his roof if you were feeling brave enough.

“Yeah, I like it. Very cool.” It fit the aesthetic that Van had been shaping for himself recently. Since becoming an official teenager, Van had taken it upon himself to descend fully into his ‘angsty’ phase. Well, as angsty as someone with the happy go-lucky demeanor that he held could be.

He started wearing all black and jumpers with rips in them and buying only vinyls. He’d drag you to the local record store, sifting through them for hours and buying whatever he could with the money he’d earned from cutting lawns. You didn’t mind, though You loved the relaxed aura of the store, the faint noise of whatever Mr. Brown, the owner, was currently listening to in the background. You’d flip through records, listening to Van babble on about whatever new band he’d taken a liking to, fingers running over the worn cases. It was therapeutic, almost.

“D’you think it’s weird that neither of us has had our first kiss yet?” He asked, turning and looking at you, eyebrows furrowed.

You leaned forward, resting your crossed arms on your knees. “Um, I dunno. I hadn’t really thought about it. Do you think it’s weird?”

Van shrugged, carving something into the wood floor with the pocketknife his father had given him for his last birthday. “Well, Joey and Simon both had theirs last year. And Henry Williams has kissed like, three girls. I feel like we’re the only ones who haven’t done it.”

His gaze was trained on whatever design he was making, bottom lip pulled between his teeth. You scanned over his face, the freckles dusting his cheeks, the scar in his eyebrow he’d gotten from a football match last year that was finally healing. He glanced up after a moment and locked eyes with you, waiting for your response.

“I mean, I guess,” you replied. “A few of my friends have had theirs too, but they all had boyfriends. I don’t like any boys at my school,” you said, shaking your head, cringing at the thought.

“Yeah, me either.”

“You don’t like any boys at your school?” you teased.

Van laughed, kicking your foot lightly with his. “C’mon, you know what I mean. I don’t really like any girls right now and I feel lame without kissing anyone.” You paused, waiting to see what he was getting at it. “Sooo,” he said dramatically, dropping his pocket knife on the wood floor and mirroring your position, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his forearms on them. “Why don’t we just kiss?”

You wrinkled your nose. “What? Gross.”

He rolled his eyes, scooting closer to you so your knees were touching. “C’mon, let’s just do it to get it over with. We’re best friends so it doesn’t really matter.” His lips were curled up at the ends, hair wild as usual and you actually debated it. He was your best friend after all, and you figured it would be better than kissing some random boy during a game of spin the bottle or something. You were going to be in year nine soon, for God’s sake.

“Okay, fine. But promise not to let things get weird between us after?” He nodded quickly, reaching his pinkie finger out.

“Promise,” he said, curling your finger around his.

“Alright, then. What do we do?”

He shifted so he was cross legged and you did the same, both of your bare knees pressed up against each other. The sun was just barely above the horizon, only visible to you in the reflection of his eyes. “Uh... I think we just do it,” he said, not sounding too convincing.

You swallowed as he wet his lips and leaned in, only a few inches away from you. You could see every detail of his face, every little scratch and imperfection of teenage skin. For the first time, you realized maybe he was kind of cute, like your mother always said. “It’s those little dimples he has,” she always said with a wide smile. This was coming from the woman who was convinced that you two would fall in love and get married someday. Yeah, right.

He stared back at you, blinking slowly and licked his lips again. You would’ve felt uncomfortable normally, if it had been anyone else this close to you but, well, it was Van.

“Close your eyes,” he whispered, his breath fanning across your lips.

You took one last look at him and shut your eyes, your stomach doing jumps like you were about to board a roller coaster. He cleared his throat and you felt him shift and then his lips were on yours. He just kind of kept them there, neither of you moving, unsure of what to do. It felt weird and different and you were a little surprised at how soft his lips were. Did everyone’s feel like this? This is what people in movies feel like when they have their big first kiss, right as the music swells? It didn’t seem right.

After a few seconds, you both pulled away and opened your eyes, blinking the blurriness away. You looked at the sharpness of his nose and the curl of his eyelashes and realized he still looked like the same old Van to you.

“Huh,” he said after a moment, scooching back to his original spot against the wall of the treehouse. By now, his face was bathed in deep red shadows that were sure to turn to blue any moment once the stubborn sun descended past the tree line.

“Huh,” you repeated, bringing your fingers to your mouth, running them over your bottom lip. “That was...”

“Weird?” he finished.

You shrugged. “No, just like, kind of boring, I guess. I don’t really get the big deal.”

Van scratched the back of his neck, eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe we did it wrong?”

You laughed softly at first and then started laughed even harder, stuck in a fit of giggles. “What?” he asked with a grin, which just made you laugh harder. He started laughing with you, warm and loud, just like always. You howled with laughter, both nearly rolling around on the floor of the treehouse. You laughed for so long that by the time you were done, you forgot why you started in the first place.

•

Age fourteen came with the band.

You weren’t really sure how it started or why even, but suddenly Van was playing with one of his friend’s older brothers in their basement. He invited you to come along most times, rambling on about how excited he was about a new song they were learning or how good he was getting with guitar.

You’d taught him to play originally, lending him the few notes your dad had taught you when you were small. He was entranced immediately, making you guide his fingers to every note you knew on the guitar that he’d saved up for for a year. And then he ran with it, learning every variation of every chord possible and spending nearly every waking minute playing in the basement of the B&B - much to his parents dismay. They scolded him and told him it was driving customers away which is probably how he ended up jamming with Billy, slowly learning a few of The Strokes’ easier songs.

You loved tagging along to watch him play, even though all he and Billy did was strum on their guitars and sing in the basement that had really, really shitty acoustics. You knew Van was a good singer - he always had been, even though he was in the midst of puberty and was experiencing the dreaded voice cracks and hormones that came along with it. And he absolutely loved music. Listening to him sing was your favorite part of the day. You’d lean back on the couch, listening to the way his accent slipped away a little as he sang, stumbling over words and combining bits and pieces of various songs together. You knew music and you knew that he was good.

“You’ve got quite beautiful eyes, y’know,” Van said one night, hours after his voice had given out from singing the same song over and over again in Billy’s basement.

You elbowed Van in the ribs, nearly knocking him over. “Shut up, would ya? Brown eyes are ugly and you know it.”

You stared up at the sky, entranced by the constellations and bright stars that were out. You were both sitting cross-legged on the grass in a field a few minutes outside of your neighborhood, far enough that the lights from the houses couldn’t reach it.

“No, ‘m telling you, yours are all big and soft and… warm, like honey.” You turned to look at him slowly, at the crooked grin on his face. You rolled your eyes, turning your gaze back on the stars. You wondered how they all fit up there in that big sky. It didn’t even seem possible, like they could fall out of it at any second and come crashing down to Earth.

“Says the one with blue eyes. I’ve always wanted blue eyes,” you said with a dreamy sigh.

Van shook his head and laughed softly, throwing his head back and closing his eyes.

You looked at him, blinking, and joined in laughing with him. “What?” you asked in between giggles.

Van shrugged, only laughing harder, which made you laugh harder, too.

“I think… I think I’m just high,” Van said with a wide smile on his face. You nodded, tilting your head back and laughing again, the air visible from your mouth in the cold.

“Me too,” You said after a moment with a giggle. “Guess it worked?”

You and Van started smoking fairly regularly after that, usually leeching off of Billy or trading him with stolen cigarettes that your father rolled himself. You’d usually settle for Billy’s basement, passing around a joint or a bowl and listening as they played the songs that Van had slowly started writing, your brain fuzzy and soaking in every bit of it.

•

Age sixteen came with first loves.

“Mate, you know Abby Newman?” Billy asked one night, smacking Van on the chest lightly. He blinked, eyes half shut and red around the edges.

“Hm, she’s a year ‘bove me, I think, so year younger than you, yeah?”

Billy smirked, taking a long hit of the joint in his hands. “Heard that she fancies you.”

You snorted and Van shot you a dirty look, shoving you lightly. “Fuck off, would ya?” he said with a laugh, then turned back to Billy. “Abby Newman, huh?”

This is what kickstarted Van’s girl crazed phase. Through his delightful charm (or so he said), he managed to score a date with Abby. Within a few weeks, they were real-life boyfriend and girlfriend, holding hands at the diner you always went to, Abby finding a spot on Billy’s couch to listen to them practice, Van telling you about how they’d gone to second base - gross.

At first, you were a little annoyed with Abby, her extra fragrant floral perfume and thick eyeliner being just a bit much but you learned to like her. Just as you were starting to consider her one of your own close friends, she and Van broke up. He wrote a sad song about her of course, actually probably 20 songs, but within a few weeks, he had a new girl in his lyrics.

He never dated girls for longer than a month, if that, and you were never really sure why they broke up but it made for good song content, Van pouring his emotions out into his at first cheesy but then actually decent songs.

While Van was experiencing the whirlwind that was adolescent females, you were finding your own first love in Matt.

Matt was a year above you, seventeen and had this smile that dove you nuts. You’d go to his football games, cheering him on from the stands, Van usually by your side scribbling in his notebook or underneath the bleachers smoking a cigarette.

You adored Matt. He was just so cool, always working on this old car that he already knew how to drive even though he didn’t even have his license yet, and giving you mix CDs with sappy love songs that you’d fall asleep listening to every night.

Van wasn’t a huge fan of him but you figured he was just being his usual over protective self. You forced him to put on a smile and play nice, which he did for the most part.

Matt bought you popcorn and paid for your movie tickets, held your hand tightly during the scary parts, took you to the beach when it got a little warmer, gave you goodnight kisses at your door that left you dizzy.

You were sixteen and in love. Or you thought you were, at least.

“Van,” you whispered into the phone, hand covering your mouth as you walked down the street on shaky legs.

“Hey, what is it, love? You okay?” he answered quickly, voice thick from smoking or drinking. It was the night of your school’s formal and although he didn’t attend it, Van was probably winding down from the afterparty that one of your classmates had thrown - the party you should’ve just gone to after the dance.

Instead, you were walking down a road you didn’t even recognize, in the dress you’d been dreaming about wearing for months, tears streaming down your face.

“Yeah, I-” your voice cracked and you let out a sob. You crouched down in the street, head on your knees and cried, snot dripping from your nose.

“Love,” Van whispered, his heart breaking for you. “Where are you?”

You ended up in Van’s bed, curled up under his covers, wearing a pair of his joggers and your favorite sweatshirt that you always tried to steal from him. He placed a cup of tea down for you on his bedside table with just a bit of milk, exactly how you liked it, and sat on the edge of the bed. “You wanna talk about it?” he asked softly.

You wiped some tears with the sleeve of his sweatshirt and took a shaky breath. “Um... I guess.” He reached out and grabbed your hand, the familiar feeling of his calloused fingers against yours relaxing you a little. “So basically... Matt and I had been planning on, um, having sex for the first time tonight, after the dance. Cliche, I know,” you sniffled, glancing you at Van. You’d expected him to shake his head or at least give you a disappointed look but his soft expression hadn’t changed. “And well, his parents were gone for the weekend... so we went to his house after the dance. And we were, like kissing and stuff and I realized that I just wasn’t ready, y’know? Like I just didn’t wanna do it then. So I told him that and he got really mad, telling me that he’d been waiting for this for months and how could I just decide all of the sudden I didn’t want to?”

Van’s hand tightened around yours and you glanced up to see his jaw clenched. You took another shaky breath. “So... then I felt really bad and ended up just doing it.” Vans eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” he muttered, shaking his head.

You dropped your chin to your chest, closing your eyes. “There’s more,” you whispered. “After we were done, he, um, broke up with me and basically said he was just waiting for this so he could finally dump me.” Van pulled his hand away from you and you glanced up to see him pacing around his room.

“Oh my god,” he mumbled to himself. “Oh my fucking God. What a piece of shit. Who the fuck does he think he is, doing that to you? To you of all people?” he voice cracked at the end of the sentence and he paused, running a hand down his face. “I’m gonna fucking murder him,” he said, reaching for his boots by the door.

“Van, stop. Please,” you whispered, pulling your knees tighter to your chest. He paused immediately and looked down at you, face softening slightly.

“But he can’t fucking do that. Do you know how messed up that is? I literally wanna go rip his fucking head off,” he hissed. You shook your head and when he saw your lip tremble, he dropped his boot and sat down on the bed next to you carefully. “Oh, Y/N,” he whispered, wrapping an arm around you.

You bit your lip and leaned on his chest, a sob escaping your mouth when he pulled you close to him. You cried, full on, a waterfall of tears into his chest as he stroked your hair and rubbed your back gently, keeping you tucked into him. He shushed you softly, almost rocking you like a baby as you cried and cried on him.

After you had no tears left in you, you sniffled and cleared your throat. You were both lying down now, both of Vans arms around your waist and your head in his chest, arm across his stomach. “Uh, sorry about that,” you said with a soft laugh.

He stroked his thumb across your arm. “Don’t ever apologize for that, yeah? I’m here for you, always. If you need to cry on me, I’ll gladly wipe your tears away,” he murmured in your ear. “But I still wanna fuckin’ kill him.”

You chuckled, burying your head into his chest. “I know. But please don’t, I don’t want you going to jail on my behalf.”

“I’ll do it. I’d do anything for you,” he whispered. You closed your eyes, breathing him in. He smelled a little different than usual, his cologne and cigarette smoke mixed with alcohol and weed from the party. But it comforted you nonetheless, because it was Van. “I love you,” he said, dropping a kiss on your forehead.

“Love you too,” you replied softly, falling asleep as you thanked God for giving you Van as a best friend.

•

You were seventeen when you started to get jealous.

It was well known by you and your friends that Van was, well, a ladies man. He dated a lot of girls. He was always loyal to them of course, he’d never cheat, but his relationships were always short-lived and dramatic. He still paid more attention to you than any of his girlfriends, but one night when you texted him to come watch a movie, you were disappointed by his response.

To: vannn

heyyy come watch 500 days of summer w me plz i need a rom com and snuggles

To: my bestest friend

sorry love i got a date w sophie tonight her parents are gone for the weekend ;) tomorrow? xx

You looked at your phone for a moment, color rushing to your cheeks as you snapped it shut. It’s not like this was anything new - Van hadn’t done anything wrong, he was just spending time with his girlfriend. But it bothered you for some reason.

The next day, when Van did actually come over to watch a movie as promised, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes when he started talking about Sophie.

“Yeah, I dunno she’s nice and dead cute, honestly, but she is a little insane,” he said, shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

Your skin was probably green with envy when he mentioned something about her being good in bed. “Van, I don’t wanna hear that,” you replied, tossing a piece of popcorn at him.

He turned his head and stuck his bottom lip out in a pout, looking at you with raised eyebrows. “Aw, someone a little jealous that I’m spending time with another girl?” he teased, eating the popcorn that had landed in his lap.

You scoffed, shaking your head. “No.”

Van chuckled and leaned toward you, wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug. “It’s okay, babe, you’ll always be my number one.”

•

You were eighteen when you realized you were in love with him.

It was your birthday and you were at a small pub watching him perform. You were leaning against the back wall, a beer in your hand as you watched. Van and Billy had found a bassist a while back and recently had even found a decent drummer. And they were good.

You smiled as he thrashed around on stage, nearly knocking his microphone over and putting on a hell of a good show for the small crowd of people. They’d grown a bit of a following over the years and you could tell something big was coming for them soon.

“I just wanna give a shout to someone very special to me.” You looked up at Van who was staring right back at you, a huge grin spread across his face as he spoke into the microphone at the finality of their last song. “This girl’s been there for me since the beginning, through all my shit. She’s the best friend I could ever ask for and I dunno what I did to deserve her. So happy birthday, Y/N. And thanks for everything.”

Color sprung to your cheeks as everyone turned and looked at you, clapping and shouting happy birthday wishes. One of Van’s guy friends who you’d gotten to know pretty well, elbowed you in the side and shot you a wide smile. “Didn’t know it was your birthday. How old are you, then?”

But you didn’t respond because you hadn’t even picked up on what he was saying. You were still staring at Van, watching as he started packing things up on stage.

Everything around you went quiet. You watched as he tilted his head back and laughed loudly at something Bob said and it sounded like goddamn angels singing to you.

Holy shit. I’m in love with him, you thought. I’m fucking in love with him. How did I not realize this earlier?

It was like everything else in the background faded to black and white but he was in color, his blue eyes shining brightly as he approached you, brown hair darkened with sweat. He said something to you and you had to blink a few times, bringing your focus back.

“Sorry, what?”

He laughed, shaking his head at you. “I asked if you wanted to get out of here, go for a drive, or somethin’. I gotta give you your birthday present,” he said with a mischievous smile.

So there you were in the passenger seat of his dad’s car, windows rolled down, arm hanging out and cutting through the wind as you drove over a bridge, music blaring, and fuck, you were in love with Van.

The lights from the city were bright and shining in the rear view mirror as the two of you sped away, leaving everything behind you. You stuck your head out of the window, feeling the wind on your face, a little buzzed from the beer you had been drinking earlier and a little high from the joint you’d smoked a few minutes prior and you threw your head back and whooped, unable to hold in your joy.

Van was looking over at you, one hand on the steering wheel and a wide smile on his face. “What?” he questioned you with a laugh.

You shook your head, unable to explain how you were feeling at that moment. You felt so full and warm and just downright fucking happy. Happier than you’d felt in a while. “I’m just… happy,” you said back, sticking your arm back out the window and letting your hair whip around in the wind.

Van laughed, rolling his own window down and screaming along to the music with you.

He pulled over eventually, onto a side road in the middle of nowhere but left the car running. He turned the music down a little and cleared his throat. You watched as he rubbed his hands down his jeans, the corners of his mouth lifting in a smile. “What’s up?” you asked, rolling the window up and tilting your head towards him. “Ooh, do I get my present now?”

A laugh escaped him as he nodded. “Yeah, guess so. Or I could make you wait even longer.”

You frowned, crossing your arms dramatically. “But Vaaan,” you whined, “it’s almost midnight. Then my birthday’s gonna be over.”

His eyes shone in the darkness of the car, the moonlight washing over his features gently. “Alright, alright, quit your whining. Give me a second.” Van slipped out of the car and went around to the trunk and came back with a small box wrapped in newspaper. He held it in his hands for a moment as he sat in the driver’s seat, the windows around you fogging up just a bit from your breath.

You waited patiently, heart beating a little faster. He licked his lips before he spoke, turning his head to look at you. “So I’ve been, uh… pretty bummed lately because you’re leaving soon. I was trying to think of a way to convince you to stay here with me and just become a roadie or something but I realized that there was no way I’d let you do that,” he said with a soft laugh. “You’re so fucking smart and I just… I know you’re gonna do big things at Oxford and after, too. It sucks that we’re gonna be apart but I’m hoping I can come visit.” He looked at you expectantly, eyes wide as if you were going to object to this.

You nodded quickly. “Of course, yeah.”

He smiled and looked out the window for a second, turning the present around in his hands. “Good, yeah. God, this is fucking awful,” he said after a moment, eyes going to his lap. “‘M gonna miss you so much. I mean… my best friend isn’t gonna be 10 steps from my front door anymore.” You bit your lip hard, blinking fast. You weren’t one to cry over just anything but you could feel tears stinging your eyes. And you weren’t ready to leave Van in a few days at all.

You’d applied to Oxford on a whim, fully expecting to end up at one of the smaller universities near your hometown that would be within driving distance so you could still live at home.

When you got your acceptance letter, you were shocked. Van hadn’t been surprised at all, saying he knew all along that you’d get in. It took you up until the last day possible to make the decision. Ultimately, you knew you’d hate yourself if you didn’t pick Oxford. And Van would probably resent you for life if you stayed living at home. Plus, he’d dropped out of school a while ago anyway and who knew what he’d be doing once Catfish got signed.

He laughed softly, clearing his throat. “But anyway, I’m so happy for ya. I’m not happy about us being three and a half hours away from each other... but I’ll live. And I guess I should finally give this to you, yeah?”

He handed the present over across the console, your fingers brushing as you took it from him. “I can see you wrapped it yourself,” you said with a chuckle, inspecting the newspaper.

Van rolled his eyes playfully. “Alright, shut up and open it.”

You tore the paper carefully, holding your breath as you pulled the paper back to reveal a small box. You lifted the top off and peered inside to see a CD case. You pulled it out and examined the front to see a handwritten tracklist - Van’s messy script, specifically, but there were no artists listed. “Oh, you made me a mix?” you asked softly, beaming at him.

He shook his head slightly. “Well, not exactly. Um, they’re all my songs.” You gasped, looking back at the tracks.

“That’s amazing,” you murmured.

“And uh, well, they’re all songs about you.” You paused, making sure you heard him correctly, and turned back to look at him. He was staring right back at you, bottom lip tugged between his teeth.

“Songs about me?” you whispered. “I didn’t know you wrote about me.”

He laughed softly, pointing at the top of the list of songs. “Of course I do. How could I not? They’re kind of… in chronological order too, like from when I first met you to now.” You pulled the CD case to your chest, leaning over and wrapping your free arm around Van’s neck.

“Oh my God, thank you,” you mumbled as he tucked his arm around your waist, his chin on top of your head.

“There’s more, y’know,” he said as you pulled away, pointing at the box. You lifted some tissue paper to reveal a thick stack of notebook paper that was folded together carefully in a square. When you pulled it out, something fell out of the paper.

“Shit,” you muttered as you lifted your legs off the seat, trying to find it. You switched a light on inside the car and spread your fingers across the fabric of the seat until you felt something cold. You grabbed it carefully, placing it in your palm and you gasped upon realization. “Van,” you whispered.

It was his father’s necklace, the one he’d worn ever since you were both small. He’d started wearing it when he was only about seven or eight, he told you. You’d never seen him without it.

You looked over at him and sure enough, the small chain that usually adorned his neck was gone. He licked his lips, eyes scanning your face. “I… I can’t take this from you,” you said, reaching for his hand to give the necklace back to him.

He held his hands up in defense and shook his head. “I want you to have it. So you don’t forget about me,” he said quietly.

Your chest tightened. Forget about Van? That would be impossible. You’d spent your life watching him grow up, been there for each other through every heartbreak, every family problem, every low moment. You were in love with him, for God’s sake. How could you not be? He was the funniest, most thoughtful, kindest person you’d ever met. And he thought you’d forget about him?

“I could never forget about you,” you whispered, voice cracking. Your eyes started watering again and you looked at your lap, turning over the delicate gold chain in your hands.

“Let me put it on you.” You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat as you handed it to him carefully and turned to face your window. He leaned over the console and brushed your hair to the side, his hands against your neck eliciting goosebumps from your skin. He unclasped it and wrapped it around your neck slowly, his fingertips nearly leaving burn marks wherever they touched. He ran a hand down your hair, smoothing it carefully and hovering there for a moment before leaning back in his seat. “Looks better on you,” he said with a small smile.

The feeling in the pit of your stomach had not dissipated. You felt incredibly nervous but also still at ease and you were trying to figure out how that was even possible. But it was because you were alone in a car in the middle of nowhere with Van, your best friend of almost a decade who you were also utterly in love with, staring at him with only the soft hum of The Shins in the background. “Also, that’s um, a letter I wrote you,” he said softly, looking at the folded up paper in your hands. You started to unfold the paper until he interrupted you. “No, no, could you just wait to read it? Like, until you get to Oxford?”

You felt dizzy at this point, only moments away from having to press your forehead against the car window and catch your breath. What was in the letter?

“Uh, yeah, sure,” you whispered, tucking the note into the pocket of your jacket. “Van, I… thank you so much. You don’t know how much all of this means to me,” you said. He was pleased by your reaction, a small smile stuck on his lips as he stared at you.

“Of course. You deserve it,” Van responded softly. “Come ‘ere.”

You leaned forward again and wrapped both of your arms around his middle tightly, tucking your head into his chest. He slid both his arms around your neck, one going to the back of your head and holding you tightly. You sat there like that for a while, feeling how warm he was against you, breathing in his scent that never seemed to change, the cologne he’d stolen from his father when he was younger with the addition of cigarette smoke in the last couple of years. He felt so solid and safe and at that moment, you realized that leaving for Oxford was probably going to be the hardest thing you’d done so far in your life. Van stroked your hair gently, holding you so tight to him, not caring about the awkward position you were in over the center console or that The Shins CD was starting over for the third time.

You pulled away after a few minutes, forehead pressed to his. It was so dark you couldn’t see anything but the lightness of his eyes. I’m in love with you, you wanted to say. I’m so fucking in love with you it hurts. I want to wake up to you in my bed every morning and I want to dance around the kitchen with you in the middle of the night and I want to have babies with you and grow old together.

You couldn’t bring yourself to say any of these things. You were leaving in less than a week and then you’d be across the country from him. You didn’t want to risk losing him or fucking things up before you left. You’d just realized how you felt about him and you were pretty sure that he didn’t feel the same way about you but you’d rather just live not knowing for sure - it was less painful that way. You wanted to remember him exactly this way - warm and happy and just Van.

“I love you,” you whispered, “and I’m gonna miss you so fucking much. But you’ll always be my best friend, y’know?”

•

It was near the end of your first term when Van finally came to visit you.

It was a Friday afternoon and you had your nose in a book, studying for an exam you had coming up when your phone rang.

You flipped it open and grinned. “Van!” you yelled excitedly, slamming your book shut and jumping out of your desk chair.

He chuckled through the phone at your excitement. “Hi, love. I think I’m here but ‘m not quite sure where to go, honestly. Can ya come find me?”

There he was, a backpack slung over one shoulder, sunglasses on his face, wearing a huge smile. You sprinted toward him and nearly knocked him over with a hug, wrapping your arms around him tightly.

“Hi,” you said when you pulled away, beaming.

“Hi,” he replied, giving you that infamous crooked grin.

“So this is my friend Hallie’s room and my other friend Olivia’s room is right there and, oh that’s Charlie’s at the end of the hall,” you said, speeding down the hallway, Van trailing behind you. He seemed to be in awe of everything, mouth hung open and staring at every room you passed. “And this is my room.” You shut the door behind you and leaned against the wall, watching as he inspected the small room. “Like it?” you asked nervously.

He turned and looked at you, a smile spread across his face. “This is amazing,” he said. “This whole place is so fuckin’ cool and all of your pictures in here and your records, wow,” he murmured, scanning over the hundreds of pictures you’d taped to your walls. Of course, he was in most of them. You beamed at him, plopping down on your bed as he looked out your window, admiring the view of the city outside.

“So did ya miss me?” he asked, sitting down next to you, bumping your shoulder with his.

“No, I’ve been just great without you,” you said with a laugh. “Yes, of course I missed you! It’s been, like…”

“Three months?” he finished for you.

You sighed, scanning over his face. It had been only three months but it felt like so much longer. He looked older to you, his hair a little longer and some stubble growing in. His eyes still had the same twinkle and you couldn’t help but lean forward and hug him again tightly.

“Three months too long,” you mumbled into his chest as he chuckled, hugging you back and rubbing his hand down your back.

“I know, darlin’. But what do you have planned for me this weekend? Gotta get the whole university experience, yeah?”

Naturally, you took him to a party later that night. It wasn’t overly huge or anything, just a casual thing that your friend Hallie’s older sister was throwing at her house a few blocks away from where you lived.

Van was thriving in the party atmosphere, of course. Girls were eyeing him up left and right, offering him drinks and touching his shoulder. He was eating it up, not used to so much attention. He was telling a group of people about the band and how they’d recently won a music competition and they were all close to drooling.

“Your boyfriend’s so cool,” someone next to you said. You turned and looked, seeing it was a girl who lived down the hall from you but whose name you could never remember. Van looked at you through the crowd of people, shooting you a wink as you shook your head and laughed at him.

“I know right?” you replied, not even bothering to correct her.

“I love college. I love it!” Van shouted to no one in particular a few hours later as the two of you stumbled down the street, his arm slung around your shoulder and yours around his waist.

You giggled, holding him tightly to make sure you didn’t trip over anything. “Van, be quiet,” you shushed as you guided him up the stairs and down the hall to your room. You rolled your eyes, laughing as he said ‘hello’ to a few people in your hall and pushed him into your room. He collapsed on your bed, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. “I’m serious. I love this place. I could never leave,” he said, eyes wide.

You sat down on the edge of the bed next to him, patting his chest. “I know. I love it, too.”

Soon you were curled up in your tiny bed, limbs tangled together and fighting over blankets like you were sixteen again. His arm was around you, thumb stroking over your shoulder. “So you got a boyfriend?” he asked teasingly.

“Ha no, no time for that yet. I’ve been so busy with school I can’t even think about finding a boyfriend,” you replied with a laugh. “What about you? How’s the girl situation?”

Van shrugged gently. “Eh, dunno. I’ve been seeing this girl Lily for a bit but I don’t really think it’ll go anywhere. She’s a bit full on.”

You’d become pretty good at hiding your jealousy, pushing it down inside of you and putting on a smile. You knew that his relationships never lasted and you really had no right to be jealous anyway but the thought of him doing anything with another girl made you sick to your stomach.

You chatted for a while, voices hushed and words getting more drawn out until you could tell he was asleep. You laid there, head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat and listening to him breathe and you were just so fucking thankful that he was real and he was alive and here in your room.

As you laid pressed up against him, not ready to fall asleep just yet, you thought of the letter he’d written you before you left for school.

It took you until your third night at Oxford to read it, as you’d been so busy with unpacking and making new friends you didn’t have time.

You’d flipped the lamp on next to your bed and unfolded the paper carefully. You read it slowly, taking in every word, every metaphor, every long description and then read it again. He really did have a way with words. You cried, of course, because it was fucking beautiful. He wrote about what your friendship meant to him and how he was so thankful he’d gotten to watch you grow over the years into the person you were now. He mentioned little details about you that you’d never even noticed and wrote about some of the bigger things you’d experienced together and what it was like from his perspective.

The final paragraph is what really sent you over the edge.

And now, you’re going off to do such fucking wonderful things. I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to know you. Just the other day I was talking to Larry about you, and how I was going to miss you and everything and he said to me “Mate, she’s special. People like that don’t come around in life twice.” And he was right. I might end up traveling around the world with the band, visiting different countries and meeting thousands of people. But none of them will compare to you. To your heart, your kindness, your passion to change the world. So I guess, I just want to thank you for being you and thank God for putting you in my life. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.

You’re the best friend I ever could’ve asked for. I love you and I always will.

Love, Van xx

•

You were twenty when you met Ethan.

It was the beginning of your third year at Oxford and he was in your Calculus class. He introduced himself on the first day and whispered jokes to you about the lecturer throughout the whole class, making you burst out laughing at one point and get scolded by the girl sitting next to you.

He followed you out of the lecture hall, asking you to coffee right away. While you were drinking coffee, he asked you to come to a party with him later that night. At the party, he asked you to dinner the next night.

Within weeks you were inseparable. Ethan was witty and bright and kept you on your toes at all times. You studied together almost every night and it especially helped that he was a genius when it came to math.

“So you’re just using Green’s Theorem to set up a double integral to find the area of this region,” he’d say.

“I have to use whose what to find where?”

He’d roll his eyes and laugh, then explain the whole thing to you again.

You went to parties together and out to clubs sometimes, spending all night laughing and dancing together. You called your mother, giddy about your new romance and you could tell she was uncertain about Ethan. “Sweetie, are you sure about him? I mean he sounds nice and all, but… what about a certain someone back home?”

You’d never officially told your mother about your secret love for Van but of course she knew. Ever since you were little, she constantly told you that you and Van would be perfect together and would end up married with kids someday. And when she started to pick up on your real feelings for him, that maybe you did want to be more than friends, you could tell your mother really, really wanted something to finally happen between you and Van. “Mum,” you’d scolded her over the phone, “you need to drop that, okay? I like Ethan. He’s gonna be good for me.”

When first term was over, Ethan invited you to come to his family’s house for the holidays and spend Christmas with him. You declined politely, as you hadn’t seen your parents in ages and desperately wanted to go home for a bit, enjoy the cold weather from the comfort of your childhood home. In the last few weeks, Ethan had become a little full on, as well, so you were glad to get some space from him. And maybe there were other reasons, too.

As you rode the train home, looking out at the snow falling through the frozen window, you thought about Van.

You hadn’t seen him in months. Catfish had recently gotten signed and they were busy recording their first EP so you rarely saw him last summer before you had to return to Oxford. You talked on the phone occasionally, but you were both so busy that you had little time to call each other.

And fuck, did you miss him.

Your heart ached for him when you arrived home, his house looking the exact same. You pictured him running across the street to beg you to come play hide and seek in the woods nearby or to convince you to go swimming in the lake a few blocks away. When your parents took you out to dinner, all you could see was him. Him sitting at the booth you always used to share when you had late night munchies, him waiting for the bus down the road before school, him knocking over that stop sign when he was first learning to drive.

You thought about calling him but every time you clicked on his contact name, you couldn’t bring yourself to go through with it. What if things had changed between you? What if he was too busy with the band?

You’d been home for three days when you heard a noise at your window. You paused, trying to figure out if you imagined it and shrugged, turning back to the book you were reading. After a moment, you heard the noise again. You folded over the corner of the page you were on and set the book down on your bedside table. You shuffled over to your window and jumped when you heard the tap again, then pulled your shades back. Through the frost, you could make out the figure of a person on the ground below. You carefully slid the window open and stuck your head out, rubbing your arms from the cold.

“Hey!”

It was Van, throwing rocks at your window, a smile on his face, just like when you were young.

Your heart swelled. “You wanna let me in? It’s cold as fuck out here!”

Van rubbed his hands together and blew on them, trying to warm himself up as you set a cup of tea next to him on your nightstand. “Thanks, love,” he said with a warm smile.

“So how’ve you been? Can’t believe you guys finally have a record deal and everything. I mean you’ve been working for this for so long,” you said, pulling a blanket over both of you.

“Fuck, I know right? It’s been insane, just absolutely mad. I mean to hear my own songs actually recorded, not just on the shitty mic I have in my room? It’s fucking amazing,” Van replied, shaking his head in amazement.

He shot into stories about their manager and the stress over which songs would go on the B side and you could tell he fucking loved it. His eyes were shining so bright, hands waving around as he spoke, a wide smile never leaving his face. Van was absolutely in love - in love with music and his band, and you realized you were in love, too.

But not with music - you were in love with him still.

“You glad to be home? It’s not quite as exciting as Oxford, eh?” he asked, taking a sip of his tea.

You laughed softly, shrugging. “Maybe not as exciting but I like coming back here, especially since it’s almost Christmas. I love seeing mum and dad and it makes me… nostalgic you know. Reminds me of being little and running around with you,” you said, bumping his shoulder with yours.

He nodded in agreement, lips curling up in a smile. “Can you believe we’re twenty now? Christ, I feel so fucking old,” he said with a laugh.

“Oh, I know right. I feel like school is just flying by and I dunno, I have no fucking clue what I want to do when it’s over,” you replied, sighing.

“You’ll figure it out. You always do. You’re dead smart and so passionate about so many things that I can’t imagine you’ll have any trouble finding a job after you graduate,” Van said softly.

You looked over at him, biting your lip and wanting to cry a little. He always knew what to say. You’d been so stressed over the last year about your grades and about potentially going to medical school but you weren’t even sure if you wanted to, that Van saying this made you feel infinitely better.

“Thanks, Van. I’ve missed you so much, y’know.”

He wrapped an arm around you, bringing you close to him and dropping a kiss on your forehead. “I missed you, too, love. It’s been hard without you.”

You took a little satisfaction in knowing that he missed you as much as you missed him. You had your doubts of course, him being a big rock star now and you feared that maybe things had changed since you’d last seen him.

“I was worried you’d forget about me,” you said softly, looking up at him. He blinked a few times, eyebrows furrowed.

He shook his head and whispered, “I could never forget about you.” His flickered down to your neck and the gold chain you hadn’t taken off in years.

You bit your lip, unable to contain the smile on your face.

“You wanna go for a walk?” he asked after a moment.

So though it was freezing and flurries were coming down, you found yourself walking the same streets you’d biked around on when you were young.

You had your face buried in a scarf, hands shoved in your pockets because of course you’d forgotten your mittens, as you walked down the street with Van.

It was dark out now, so the sky was hazy and everything was quiet from the snow. You were shivering and looked over at Van to see if he was the same, but he looked fine, no scarf, no mittens, no hat and just a light jacket on. “Aren’t you cold?” you asked, teeth chattering.

He turned and looked at you with an eyebrow raised. “Not really. You?” You turned off the road you’d been walking on and wordlessly entered a park that you’d played at countless times. Visions of young Van sliding down the slide or swinging as high as he could flashed through your head.

You nodded quickly, pulling your hands out of your pockets to rub them together. Van led you to a bench and sat. “Here,” he said, reaching out for your hands. You sat next to him, pressed up against each other, and he took your hands in his much larger ones, rubbing some warmth into them. He brought your hands to his mouth, blowing hot air on them. Your heart started to race and you felt like a teenager again.

“Better?” he asked, pulling your hands away from his mouth but not letting go, resting them on his lap.

You nodded, lips curled up in a smile. The tip of his nose was a little red and he looked adorable.

“So your mum told me the other day that you’ve got a new boyfriend.” Oh, fuck. Since being home and especially being with Van, you’d kind of forgotten about Ethan.

“Oh, yeah, Ethan. We’ve been together for just a couple months,” you said with a small smile. Van nodded but didn’t return your smile, turning and looking across the park, snowflakes falling and nestling onto his hair. He looked older, circles visible under his eyes probably from long nights spent perfecting songs and early mornings at the recording studio. You were positive he’d grown since you last saw him - he’d seemed like a giant when you’d been walking together. “But I dunno, I don’t really know if he’s the one, y’know?”

When Van turned back to you, he looked nine years old again. Small and vulnerable and clueless about the world.

He looked down at his lap, at your intertwined fingers, and licked his lips before his eyes flicked back up to yours. “Y/N… Can I tell you something?”

Your breath hitched in your throat before you nodded slowly. Van cleared his throat and turned your hand over, running his thumb along all the lines. He scratched your palm gently, just like he knew you liked, before intertwining your fingers again. “Uh, wow, I have no idea where to even start. I’ve had this planned in my head for fucking years and now it’s real and I… I don’t even know what to say,” he muttered, eyes wide as they stared into yours.

“What do you mean?”

He laughed softly, his thumb stroking over the back of your hand. He brought your hand up to his mouth again and kissed your knuckles gently.

“I’m in love with you.” Your ears were ringing and you blinked slowly, wanting to pinch yourself in the leg to make sure you weren’t dreaming. “I’m so fucking in love with you. And I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to say it because God, I’ve known it since I was fifteen and you fell asleep on my shoulder in Bobby’s basement one time but I was always too scared to tell you. Scared because I knew you didn’t feel the same way and I was worried you’d get weird around me which is fucking dumb because, well, you’re you and you’re the best person I know so it would’ve been fine,” he said with a soft laugh. “I wanted to tell you before you went off to Oxford, too, but I knew it was a bad idea because we were gonna be so far apart and I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship or anything, y’know? But now I hear that you have a boyfriend and I probably shouldn’t even be telling you because that’s kind of a shitty thing to do, but I dunno. I couldn’t keep it in anymore,” he finished, shrugging like he’d just said something completely minuscule to you.

He reached up and rubbed his thumb under your eye and you didn’t even realize you’d started crying.

Van was in love with you. He was in love with you and had been for years. All those years that you thought he didn’t feel the same, that he was just a really good friend. After you’d read his letter when you first started at Oxford, feeling a little crushed that he hadn’t confessed his love for you, you were positive that you’d never be more than friends.

Van, your best friend of eleven years, the boy who’d grown into a man in front of your very eyes, was in love with you too.

You couldn’t believe it.

“Oh my God,” you mumbled. “Oh my God. This is real?” He nodded, his face full of confusion.

You’d spent years dreaming of this. Lying on your bed at Oxford, staring at the ceiling, willing there to be some way the universe could work its magic and make Van love you back. Apparently, the universe listens.

“Van... I’m in love with you, too.” He sighed gently, eyes locked on yours. “I have been forever. And I didn’t wanna tell you either because I thought you didn’t feel the same way,” you said with a small laugh of disbelief. “Fuck, I can’t believe this is actually happening. I spent so much time wishing you’d feel the same way as me but I honestly thought you never would. And God, I wanted to tell you so bad but I was just so scared. You’re really in love with me?” you whispered, biting your lip.

He nodded, bringing his finger to your chin and tilting your face to look up at him. You could see every detail of his face in the soft lighting, the freckles that dusted across his nose, the ever so faint scar from that football match so long ago, the curl of his eyelashes. You thought of when you were thirteen and you had stared at him before having your first ever kiss, how much he looked like that young boy right now.

“Of course I’m in love with you. It’s always been you,” he whispered, his thumb stroking across your cheek. Your heart was beating so fast you were worried it would pop out of your chest.

You sighed softly, scanning over Van’s face, the snowflakes that had accumulated on his hair, the sparkle in his eyes, the redness of his cheeks. He was in love with you.

“Think we can try that whole kissing thing again?” he asked after a moment, with a small smile. “Might be better now than it was when we were kids.”

You laughed, nodding as he leaned forward and rested his forehead on yours. You reached up and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him close to you to make sure he was real and that this was actually happening.

“I love you,” Van whispered, his breath ghosting across your lips, the edges of his eyes crinkled because of how hard he was smiling.

And yeah, it was safe to say this kiss was better than the one you’d shared at age thirteen.

•

You were twenty four when you got married.

It was a nice autumn day, a slight chill in the air but the sun was still shining bright.

As you waited for your cue to walk down the aisle, your heart beating faster than you knew possible, you thought of the last time you’d seen Van. It was yesterday morning, when you woke up to him pressing soft kisses on your cheeks, your nose, your forehead.

“Van, what are you doing?” you’d groaned, not wanting to wake up.

He scattered a few more kisses down your face and then giggled - giggled - against your neck as he brought his fingers to your sides, tickling you gently. “Van!” you squealed, opening your eyes to see him hovering above you with that crooked grin.

“I needed to wake you up,” he said.

You looked up at him, blinking the blurriness away, at his messy hair and sleepy eyes. It had to have been early still, dawn lighting streaming in through your window onto his face. “Why?” you asked with another groan.

“Because I looove you and we have so much shit going on today and then we don’t get to be together tonight so I wanna enjoy the time we have this morning,” he replied softly.

You brought your hand up to his cheek, stroking your thumb across a dimple and pulled his mouth to yours. He smiled even wider into the kiss, morning breath and teeth clinking together and all.

You loved Van a little extra in the mornings. He was even more affectionate than usual, running his hands over every part of your body, wanting to be the little spoon, begging you to stay in bed for just a little longer.

He snuggled on top of you, arms around your waist and head nuzzled into your neck as you scratched his scalp gently. “We’re getting married tomorrow,” he mumbled.

You sighed softly, lips curling up in a smile. “I know. God, I’m so excited.”

He pulled away slightly, resting his forehead on yours. You couldn’t see anything but the lightness of his eyes. “Me too,” he whispered. “Been waiting for this for a long fuckin’ time.” He kissed you gently, then rested his head on your chest, your hands going back up to tangle through his hair.

“I love you.”

“I love you, so fucking much.”

As you rounded the corner, you took one last deep breath and looked up. Everyone was standing, staring at you with wide smiles and hands pressed to their hearts. The music was playing softly in the background, white twinkling lights everywhere, the flowers absolutely perfect. You were thankful your father was leading you, his arm tightly around yours because otherwise, you probably would have stopped dead in your tracks while walking down the aisle when you saw Van.

He was waiting at the altar, looking fucking amazing in his black suit, and he was crying. Tears were streaming down his face and his hand was covering his mouth as he shook his head in awe.

Your dad kissed your cheek and whispered that he loved you and took his seat next to your mum in the crowd.

When you reached Van, you grabbed his hands tightly, grinning at him as his eyes looked you up and down and then straight into your own eyes. His face was wet with tears and his lip was nearly bleeding from biting it so hard.

“Hi,” you whispered, tears stinging at your own eyes.

He laughed softly, shaking his head again in disbelief. “Hi. God, you look fucking beautiful.”

•

You were twenty seven when you had your first child.

You’d woken up in the middle of the night, eyes widening immediately as you shook Van awake. He had just gotten back from a short tour the night before, and he’d been absolutely exhausted. But he knew you were due soon and there was no way he was missing the birth of his first kid.

“Hm?” he mumbled, not waking up.

“Van,” you hissed, shaking his shoulder again. “It’s happening.”

He opened his eyes and blinked, looking up at you. You nodded quickly, trying hard not to freak out too much. “Oh my God,” he said, shooting up and stumbling out of bed to find the bag you’d packed a while ago. “Oh my God, fuck, oh my God.”

The whole drive to the hospital, Van checked in on you constantly, making sure you weren’t in too much pain, driving as fast as possible, squeezing your hand tight. He had a playlist on his phone for this very moment - because honestly, he had a playlist for everything - and he put it on, trying to keep you relaxed as it played softly in the background. “We’re gonna have a fucking baby,” he muttered, glancing over at you in the passenger seat and laughing softly. “Christ.” You laughed too and then started to cry of course, because your hormones were a fucking disaster. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay, love. You can do this, yeah? Never been anything you can’t do.”

“She’s fucking beautiful,” Van whispered, tears running down his face as you laid in the hospital bed together later, both of you holding your new baby girl. You were exhausted and in a lot of pain, your face sticky with sweat but you didn’t care. You nodded, resting your head on Van’s shoulder as you started crying with him. “Looks just like you,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

“We’re parents, Van,” you said after a moment. “Holy fuck, are we ready for this?”

Van snorted, shrugging gently. “Probably not but we’ll figure it out, yeah? We always figure it out.” You sighed happily, leaning up and pressing a kiss on his lips.

“God, I love you,” you whispered, dropping your head back to his shoulder. “Now, what are we gonna name her?”

•

You were thirty-three when you realized your mother had been right all along.

It was a cold, snowy day in the middle of December. You were cozy in bed, still half asleep, Van’s arm tight around you as you laid on his chest, blankets pulled up over you.

You were about to fall fully back asleep when you heard your door swing open. You heard some whispering and soft giggles and suddenly, you and Van were being attacked.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up!” Van groaned loudly as you opened your eyes, seeing your two children jumping up and down on your bed. They giggled, launching themselves on top of you and hugging you. “Wake up, please!” they begged, Mary sitting on Van’s chest and Leo bouncing up and down on top of you.

You rubbed your eyes, laughing softly at them. “What are you two doing?” you groaned, pulling Leo down into a hug.

Leo laughed as he hugged you back, burying his face in your neck. “We wanna go play in the snow, please, please?” he begged in his small voice.

Van mumbled something incoherent as Mary poked his cheek. “Daddy, wake up,” she said with a giggle. You glanced over to see Van with his arms covering his face, clearly not ready to be awake.

“I don’t think Daddy is ready to wake up,” you said with a laugh, reaching up to press a kiss to Leo’s nose. Leo squirmed off of you and joined in the assault on Van, pulling his hands off his face and pressing his forehead to Van’s.

“Daddy, pleeease,” he whined, giggling. Van groaned loudly again, before opening his eyes and immediately wrapping his arms around Mary and Leo, pulling them both onto his chest.

“You’re killing me,” he mumbled, voice scratchy. “Daddy needs to sleep.”

You laughed, squeezing up tight to your family and resting your head on Van’s shoulder. “Daddy does need his sleep. Especially after last night,” you said with a smirk. Van chuckled as Mary started tugging on his hair and Leo wiggled to get out of his grip.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Van started to tickle both of them, making them scream with laughter as they squirmed around your bed, limbs flying everywhere as they tried to escape him.

“Okay, okay, we’ll have breakfast and then we can go outside. You can go watch some TV while I get your Daddy up,” you said with a laugh as Mary and Leo jumped off the bed, racing into the living room.

Van chuckled, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you onto his chest. “They’re mad,” he said, shaking his head.

“They are, yeah,” you replied with a soft laugh. “But I love ‘em.”

“Love ‘em to pieces.” Van ran his hand down your arm slowly, before reaching his hand down to your jaw and tilting your face up to look at him. His eyes were sleepy still, his hair a mess. “And I love you, Mrs. McCann,” he whispered.

You smiled back up at him, feeling giddy as ever as he leaned down and kissed you slowly, smiling against your lips. You pulled away after a moment and stared into his eyes, wondering how the hell you got this lucky. “I love you more.”

Turns out your mother was right all along about the whole marrying Van and having babies with him.

You never would’ve imagined this at nine when you met him for the first time or at thirteen when you had your first kiss or even when you were eighteen and you realized you were in love with him. It seemed too good to be true.

But it was real. Van was real and you loved him more and more every day, still asking yourself how someone as perfect as him could exist. Van, who had become the best father in the world, crying to you at night sometimes because he loved his children so much and was worried about what the world would do to them. Van, who dedicated every album to you and had to call you every night while he was on tour because he couldn’t sleep without hearing your voice. Van, who made sure to send you flowers at work once a month, who you got to spend the rest of your life with, who left a note on your bedside table with a different reason why he loved you every single morning.

And God, did you love him too.

• • •

#vanfic #van mccann #catb fanfic #van mccann fanfic #catb fanfiction #my fic #van x reader #catb #fanfic #!!!!#i love this story omg #it's 2 am but it's fine

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cbspams · 4 years ago

Text

Pentagon - Follow (originally by Monsta X)

UM EXCUSE ME?? EXCUSE ME SIR??

Aight look I have to preface this by saying Follow is one of my favorite Monsta X songs. It's an incredibly powerful and impactful song with aggressive beats, choreo and the aesthetic of the video is super interesting to me, like chasing after the gods and snarling to challengers.

So to see this rendition by Pentagon, I truly thought they had captured the spirit of the song. Hui (bless his soul tbh) really did an incredible job rearranging the song to have more slow, intimidating, almost seductive moments. Kino too did an awesome job redoing the choreo to really fit the theme and showcase Pentagon's talents.

On the topic of theme: YUTO KDJSFHKJDFH. Yuto being like "IDK english man I thought they said pharaoh" like bro I feel. But this was a really cool theme, and I'm not really one to try and comment on concepts that take from other cultures because it's always a question of cultural appropriation etc, but just objectively as a performance it was a really well executed theme.

I'm intrigued because these Your Song performances have a lot more props than nearly any other performances on RTK, which is an interesting choice. I suppose it might have to do with the fact that we're in the later stages of competition so every group has to be more aggressive about how they use the stage. With it being a black box stage, the possibilities for space usage, camera angles, and formation is almost limitless.

I haven't mentioned this yet but serious, serious props to the production crew of RTK. Every person in scenic crew, costuming, makeup, lighting, sound, you have all worked so hard and I can see the effort. In every camera turn when the scenery changes, I know that's the crew running full speed to change things in a very short period of time. So my appreciation and adoration to that crew.

Anyways, back to the concept execution. Costuming I think could have been a bit more interesting and aggressive but the stage was already a lot so I think Pentagon choosing a bit simpler was probably for the best. Actually, in my opinion, it was still a little much. I would have personally really stripped them down to the basics and then used more makeup (gold dust, shimmer, kohl lined eyes) to give the illusion of living in the Pharaoh's space.

Beyond just the production value of the stage, the Pentagon members and the backup dancers did a phenomenal job. I saw the (edited) struggle the members went through to perfect that difficult choreo and I'm so proud of how they pulled it off. It looked amazing!! And the backup dancers were really coordinated as well! I still see flaws in the backup dancers but they're not the ones being scored necessarily so like whatever.

Again there's some concern for cultural appropriation here so I'll tread lightly but I really thought that the use of arm movements was highly impactful. The necessary skill to create group illusions is definitely something I can see and I know that everyone worked hard to make those movements look as clean and beautiful as they did. There's things I, as the viewer, would personally nitpick but like I'm no dancer so I can't really weigh in on it.

Overall, a stunning performance. Despite the difficulty in arranging, Hui and Kino really paved the way for an incredible interpretation of the original song while also still maintaining the meaning of the song. Pentagon truly is fit for the golden throne of the king (pharaoh).

Score: 9/10

#admin talk #rtk commentary #rtk performance comments

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land-of-classpects-and-analysis · 4 years ago

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i hope this isn't a bother or a distraction to you right now, but could i get a little taste of an heir of life? i'm pretty sure i've seen you do other heirs and i really wanna see what amazing analysis you might have in store for the future when you do heirs!!

Of course you can have a small preview of, arguably, possibly one of my favorite Classpects! I can also promise you are most definitely not bothering nor distracting me from things, either!

For the sake of time and my wrists, I’ll drop in here what I’ve already said about the overall Heir Class!:

Heirs are those who subconsciously, almost instinctively, drift towards any and all instances of their Aspect. Whether it is always finding themself taking charge and being the leader, having a life of misery, suffering and pain with no real comfort to speak of, or fading into the shadows and remaining ignorant to the truths of a flawed system. The Heir is one who both gravitates towards their Aspect, but it is one that rarely often helps them - at least in the beginning.

It is because of this subconscious gravitation that the Heir is at risk of becoming fully submissive to the whims of their Aspect, losing every other sense of who they are in the process. While some Heirs may not see any problems with this, it is a thought that may startle and even turn Heirs into those who try to fight back against the strings their Aspect has tied to them. They are the only ones who can control their fates, whether it is by fighting back against and taking full control of their Aspect or allowing for it to fully overtake and override who they are, leaving them to be an unfortunate husk of who they once were.

Heirs are those who usually passively Manipulate their Aspect, or Manipulate through it. Their powers come to them naturally, after all, but their main problem is having to learn how to use their powers to benefit the team rather than only themselves. Overall, their personalities are often ones filled with passion and loyalty, especially when it comes to their opinions, values, and beliefs. Changing an Heir’s mind on something they enjoy can be difficult, sometimes even to the point where it feels like you are talking more to a wall than an actual person.

Now, as for the Heir of Life themself, they are simply someone who often tries to give too much of themself at once - they seek to heal and mend and fix what has been broken, wash away the scorched scars that cover those they love and the planet they love on, but they can’t. They are only human, and they can’t fix all that is wrong in the world. The Heir of Life does not care, though, as they will continue to try over, and over, and over again to fix as much as they can, to help as many people as they can at once, always taking on more weight of people’s issues all while trying to juggle their own. Although some of the Heir’s own friends may try and tell them to take a break, take care of themself, make boundaries, practice what they preach, and more, the Heir of Life may smile back at them oh-so-sweetly while promising that they will try, that they will do better about taking care of themself. Everyone knows, though, for they have all had this conversation one too many times, that the Heir of Life will always find a way to once again stretch themself too thin, set themself ablaze to keep others warm, sacrifice their own health so as to give more kindness and prosperity to the people in their lives who would not even think twice of returning the favor. The Heir of Life does not mind, though, because knowing they have made others happy is all they need. Right? Right?

The Heir of Life is someone who may naturally gravitate towards Life, the Aspect of growth, happiness, life itself, positivity, healing, and more. Because of this, they are someone who will often be the first responder to when someone asks for a shoulder to lean on, or a soul to listen to them vent. They are the person - the friend - who will drop everything they are doing and try to help someone find their way through the darkness of negativity they are experiencing. While they may have extensive knowledge of how to fix things, how to make things better, oftentimes the Heir of Life will find that their good-hearted actions will go to the people and places filled with selfishness. People who, admittedly, do not want to be fixed, or healed, or mended, but rather just want someone to coddle and enable their self-destructive behaviors while also leeching off of their loving ways. Yet they have so much love to give, so much empathy, sympathy, and compassion in their heart, that to even say no to giving love and healing to even the most rotten soul is something the Heir of Life can’t even bear to think about, even if it means continuing to hurt themself in the process.

However, while the Heir of Life may be able to ignore their own pain and suffering as they continue to coddle and enable the toxic, leeching behavior of others, as well as healing their own friends of their worries and problems. Except, there is one worry the Heir of Life will never be able to truly heal away from their true friends - and that is the worry that the Heir of Life may fully lose themself in the ways of healing, mending, and sewing things back together. Their friends - their true friends - are the ones who must sit and watch as the Heir continues to scratch themself out too thin until, finally, something snaps and the Heir of Life is sent spiraling into a mental state of pure and utter despair and anger. An Heir of Life at their worst can be a truly vicious and venomous person to be around, as they spare no expense as to who will be met with a snap and a bite from the Heir themself. Someone so sweet and unassuming becoming a force of overall destructive, for the self or otherwise, behavior, and who will take down anyone they deem to be worthy of experiencing the same despair as them is often a trademark trait of the Heir of Life.

It is a vicious and ever-spinning cycle for the Heir of Life; being an unrelenting healer, offering their help to all who will take it, falling prey to those who only seek to use and abuse the Heir, leaving their true friends to become bystander witnesses to the Heir’s suffering and grievances, and finally, the Heir having enough and reclaiming their right for self-care and self-love, all the while hurting many other people, good and bad, along the way. While it may be a cycle, much like of life and death, it is a cycle that can be broken. For as much as the Heir of Life loves to help as many as they can, once they come to realize how much their self-destructive ways harms not only themself, but also the friends who love and care for the Heir, they will discover that this isn’t who they truly want to be - they don’t want to give away all of their help to those who don’t deserve it, especially when they have people who are far more deserving of such tender-love-and-care. As such, the Heir of Life would have to find a way to break away from the strings of their Aspect, while also continuing to be the healer they so deeply desire to be.

For the powers, they are rather interesting when one takes a moment to contemplate them. After all, what does it mean to manipulate Life or even manipulate through it? Well, let’s try - keyword being try - to go over both options very, very briefly, so as to avoid any big spoilers before the time comes for the Heir of Life to fully shine! To start off, let’s go with the far more simple option of manipulating Life - though, as easy as it may sound, the fact that Life can stand for so many different things can put quite an interesting twist on this power. For now, let’s look towards the more literal version of Life, primarily with people’s life force as well as that of plant-life. An Heir of Life could come along and manipulate the life force of anyone they wanted to, whether it is by expanding a mortal’s lifespan by hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions of years, or doing the exact opposite - manipulating someone’s life to become far more disheveled and closer to death. Of course, they could also manipulate someone’s Life in the form of aging certain parts of that person, while leaving everything else relatively untouched. If the Heir of Life so wanted, they could turn their enemy’s skeleton and/or insides into dust, leaving them hollow on the inside and, of course, dead. Then there is the manipulation of Life in the form of plants - which could become more akin to that of, perhaps, a type of Cleric or Warlock who has a domain or pact that allows for them to bring about a horrific army of plants. While they can’t exactly create these plants from thin air, so long as there is any sign of plant-life in the immediate area, the Heir of Life could so easily take it and turn it into something as simple as an ocean or mass of thorned tendrils, or give far more sentient life to the plants, making them an entire plant-based animal to do the Heir’s bidding more than anything.

As for the ability to manipulate through Life, this power is one that could take a far darker turn, especially if the Heir of Life using it has simply had enough of feeling like some old, beat-up, and thrown away doll. They would still be a healer, oh most certainly, but there would always be a small price for their helpful services. Heirs may be somewhat awkward individuals, but they still are people who attract others to them, one way or another. Because of this, if the Heir of Life truly wanted to play a little dirty, then they could use their Life powers as a means to twist the arms of those that have wronged them. After all, wouldn’t it be just a shame if people were to find out the star of a show was secretly some criminal, or that the person with a tragic home-life is just simply spoiled and not getting their way? Wouldn’t it just be a shame if all of these deep, deep dark secrets were to get out? The Heir of Life thinks so, and since people just love to come to them and talk about all of their problems, then the Heir believes their enemies would also agree how truly devastating it would be for the harsh truths to come out. If the Heir of Life wants to get something, then they know exactly how to get it.

Hopefully this helps to give you a little taste as to what the Heir of Life has to offer for when Month of the Heir comes rolling around!

#Mage Musings #Kind of An Analysis #Not A Full Analysis #Heir of Life Preview #Sneak Peek

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redfoxwritesstuff · 5 years ago

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Kit went to Betrayal

And first off, let me say Thank You. To every single one of you who reached out, shared my desperate pleas for assistance, contributed to the funds or cheered me on. I legit couldn’t have done this without every single one of you. And you all have made this a truly one of a kind birthday. Thank you to @nuggsmum, @winterisakiller, @nonsensicalobsessions, @alexakeyloveloki, @theluckykittencalvin just to name a few. Seriously, thank you everyone!

Below the cut is more birthday ramblings from the Atlanta GA airport since my 3 hour layover just turned into a 4.5 hour layover. But I found food and power so all is good.

There was some sadness- I didn’t spend it with my daughter this year or my husband. But I did get to spend it with the awesome @winterisakiller, talking shop and clutching coffee. I got to meet the ever lovely @nonsensicalobsessions and tease her in person with all that she doesn’t know about Winter’s upcoming Glass Slipper series and about Dust. The look on her face when I forgot that *everyone* dies in the beginning of Dust and so I offered as a hint for the ending- “Someone dies” was truly priceless. I *though* I was giving a hint but yeah- yeah, you’re right- that’s not news.

First off. I flew into Newark, NJ because like- it’s SO MUCH CHEAPER to fly into that airport and hotels are cheaper. It was a redeye flight and I only slept a few hours. Oh- and I hadn’t eaten since 10am that day. Great planning, right? I planned everything. What I didn’t count on was a 3 hour paralysis leaving the airport thanks to Anxiety. Fuck you, anxiety and fuck you NJTransit.

After 3 hours I finally found a customer assistance phone number to figure out how many ‘zones’ to buy bus fare for. In the 3 hours I DID manage to find the bus stop, find what route I needed and even download the app! But the zones? HA! Fuck YOU NJTransit. Your FAQ and bus info sheets should REALLY not assume people know what the fuck a “zone is”

So! I get on the bus- 3 hours and one egg roll later. Google maps in hand (I’ve sold my soul and data to goggle, now PLEASE don’t get me lost). I watch and there are something like 30!! STOPS!! Before mine? The fuck?!

So my stop comes up and I press the stop request button. And nothing happens. Bye stop, it was nice seeing you. 3 stops later I find a part of the strip that works and my 7 minute walk to the hotel became a 14 minute walk.

And the 14 minute walk became a 20 minute walk because even with google maps *this bitch* got lost. Fuck you google, I trusted you.

I check in and it’s cold in the room. but the heater says it’s 75 in there? Fuck whatever, I jacked that shit up to 90 and stood there. Kit’s from Alaska. Kit still gets bitchy when cold and it was something like 33f out. At least I had my arctic coat from AK. But this bitch didn’t have a hat or gloves.

Anyway, I thaw and look around the room. Overall, can’t complain. It was dated as fuck, the tile was old, cracked and poorly laid and the floor was so uneven that it was a tripping hazard. I can say that because... I tripped. Oh- and it had a like 1980′s porno jetted tub in it. No joke. It was shaped like a heart.

I loved that tub. I wrote in that tub. I watched Endgame (again) in that tub.

So! I walked to McDonald’s, getting lost once on the way and basically go back to the hotel to become a boiled potato in the jetted tub. It was red, I didn’t have to worry about my hair staining it.

Morning comes and my 6am alarm comes... and goes. Oops. Slept through hotel breakfast and woke up at 9. I proceeded to spend all morning agonizing over the NJTransit system and ZONES (seriously- fuck zones) and eventually after soothing my vanity and getting dolled up, made my way to the bus stop.

I’ll have you know, I did NOT get lost.

$7 in bus fare later and I was on a bus to NYC. For like 3 minutes. Because the driver hit something (someone?) and we all had to get off. And so I stood with the people who looked like they knew what the fuck was going on. Do I get on another bus? Do they send another bus? Do I have to pay again? FUCK IF I KNEW. And poor winter is getting like, live updates of this. Because if I get killed in NJ I wanted someone to know, I guess? lol ANYWAY! The driver yells at the dude, The dude yells at the driver. She yells more. He leaves. She tells us to get back on the bus. And so we did. That was a thing.

Speaking of- why is everyone always honking? And I’ve never been almost hit by so many cars? And everyone acts like the cross walks, street lights and walk signs are all optional? And EVERYONE is honking?! And when they are not honking, they are yelling. Why y’all so angry?

Biiiig city is big. Want to watch Kit shut down fast? Pretty much anyone walking by the port authority bus terminal at like 1pm got to see Kit walk out the doors, look around and find the closest wall to fight panic off at. Because IT’S BIG. AND TALL. AND PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE. I HAVE CROWD ANXIETY.

So I stood there. In the cold. For 15 minutes then said FUCK IT and pulled up Google map’s and to the theater I went. And I found it! Without getting lost. Next up was more McDonald's since I again hadn’t eaten in for fucking ever. Notice something I’m good at? It’s forgetting I’m not a plant and this have to actually eat. But at least in NYC no one is trying to hit me. I haven’t been in a walking city since Anchorage, AK and it was nice to have walkers rule the world.

Charged up my phone and went walking. Got coffee. Walked more. Met up with Winter. Got more coffee. Talked writing. Met up with Nonsensical. And into the theater we went at 6:30.

Remember how I said 2nd row? Yeah no, seats 1-100 on the seating map didn’t actually exist in reality. Front fucking row, center stage. At times, when men were sitting right in front of me, I had to remind myself what parts of them was socially acceptable to stare at.

The play was amazing. And powerful. And funny. And there really isn’t anything I can say that hasn’t been said before.

After the play, we chilled waiting for stage door for 90 minutes. Legit, chilled- it was cold and trying to rain and the three of us got separated. But I got a taste of the star life when I ran into @led-lite who recognized me from here! (Whaaat?!) Check out her art- it’s fucking amazing. And while they didn’t end up doing stage door, it was so cool to just hang out and chat for a good while. Thanks for being a part of my Birthday!

We went back to Winter’s hotel so I could charge my phone up and hang out for a bit. I finally got the pillow case she got for me in London! It’s so cute! It has foxes- I can’t WAIT to show some of my gaming buddies who will just GROAN because I don’t need more fox shit. But it’s going to live in the living room with all my other foxes. And Nonsensical gave me candy canes. She doesn’t know this but candy canes are one of my favorite candies!!

And back to the hotel I went. I didn’t get lost and was only mildly anxious finding my way back to the bus terminal and with the help of a lovely random local that pegged me as a visitor in record time (legit- I didn’t even have TIME to try and figure it out myself!), I figured out what gate my bus was going to load at. It oddly enough works much like airports! Only without the security. Who would have thought?

I didn’t miss my stop but the bus had standing room only. I think I pulled something in my leg because like, I was holding on for dear life as it whipped me around. Everyone else acted like it was normal though so I braved it and tried so very hard not to be thrown into another person. I didn’t miss my stop this time! And I didn’t get lost! Look at me, adjusting!

I passed the fuck out. So hard. I got up at 6, said fuck it, got up at 9 and packed and to the bus stop for the airport I went.

Look at me using local public transport like a boss. And at the airport I discovered that in NJ if you don’t eat before going to the airport and you’re not ready to drop $15-20 on food- they would like you to kindly fuck off and starve. At least once you’ve gone through security.

Annnnd now we’re here. And I’m in Atlanta. And my flight just got delayed. But at least fucking ATLANTA HAS FAST FOOD.

All in all, it’s been a amazing trip. I had a blast and I wish I Had more time. But it was perfect because I got a taste and someday, when I come back (because I totally want to come back) I’ll be much better prepared since it won’t all be new.

also. FUCK NJTRANSIT.

#seriously wtf #what are zones?#Kit in the wild

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amethyst-noir · 5 years ago

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Do you have any head canons for serious, hardcore Stephen angst? It seems so lacking in the fandom! Maybe, after Endgame (Tony lives AU) Stephen's mental health seriously deteriorates and after possibly 14000000 existences being in love with Tony (they're just acquaintances in their timeline), he uses a portal and Tony ends up with a delirious, crazed Doctor Strange in his workshop.

I’m horrible out of the loop concerning the latest WIPs in our corner of fandom - I’ve bookmarked at lot of them and now wait for the chance to read them. But it saddens me that there is a lack ofhardcore Stephen angst because that’s my favorite genre, along with h/c and a happy end.

I like your idea, anon! Very much! If you don’t mind I’ll keep it because now I kind of want to write a shortsnipped based on it. 💞

Back to your question - I have quitea few headcanons, actually. One of the ideas I had almost a year ago but put away because it’s sooo over the top goes as follows:

Stephen is a mental and physical wreck. The searching out of the one true timeline™ took a lot out of him and injured him on a soul-deep level and the fight against Thanos damaged his body pretty badly. The wounds have barely begun to heal but there is no rest forhim.

Thanos might be gone but now a lot of other, partly interdimensional threats, have woken up and started to pay attention to Earth. Stephen is the first in a very thin line of defense andhe’s ruining himself even further trying to stay on top of things but there is only so much even he can accomplish.

Wong - and the Rest of Kamar-Taj - do their best to help and support him but there’s no denying the fact that Stephen is the strongest and most inventive of all of them.

There has been no contact between Stephen and Tony since Thanos’ defeat since Tony exploded in his face afterwards because of pain and pent-up frustration. Stephen, of course, took itto heart and it hasn’t been helping his overall condition.

Tony, as soon as he had a little bit of time to process things and started thinking clearly again, felt bad for his harsh words but pride and the fact that he doesn’t know how to contact Stephen have kept them from meeting again so far.

A few months later “something” happens that’s so world-threatening that the current Avengers need all hands-on deck – including the retired Iron Man and all the magical help they can get. Stephen, of course, shows up himself. He’s not really himself and Tony is surprised at how quiet Stephen is and how he keeps in the background. The man barely manages to meet his eyes, for heaven’s sake, and only speaks up when directly spoken to. He’s distant and seems to be barely there. Tony is disappointed and forced to acknowledge that he missed Stephen’s particular kind of snark in his life and that maybe he was a little bit too harsh right after the dust hadn’t even settled on the battlefield.

They play hide-and-seek for a while because Stephen always vanishes the moment he can and seems to avoid Tony atall costs. Tony’s words have hurt him deeply, mostly because he knows that they are all true. He played with Infinity Stones and semi-gods, he doomed half the universe to death for 5 years and decades of grueling recovery now. He came out of 14.000.605 timelines deeply in love with Tony but every time he looks at him he’s reminded about what he did and how Tony condemned him for it. He half expects Tony to bring it up again, completely missing the signs that Tony wantsto talk to him one equal to another to try to sort through his complex mess of emotions and that there is not much if any anger left in him.

Tony realizes that Stephen isn’t well but before he can hunt the man down and ask questions the situation escalates into some big battle and Stephen uses most of his already very depleted reserves to help as best as he can. Nobody notices but FRIDAY, who isput on “watch the wizard” duty alerts Tony that Stephen’s life signs are slipping into the danger zone.

Tony searches for but doesn’t find Stephen, who has created a portal into the enemy’s lair to defeat the evil at its root. He knows that he’ll probably won’t return but really? He hasn’t got much time left anyway. Magic is burning up his body at an alarming rate and this is a good way to go out.

Tony, of course, finds the portal and follows Stephen into another dimension before he can talk himself out of it. He finds Stephen engaged with the enemy - Stephen isn’t holding back because he knows that this will be his last battle and so he can throw everything at that thing without thinking about keeping himself safe.

The display of sheer power is amazing and Tony, who comes in right in the middle, realizes just how insanely strong Stephen is. Despite that he swoops in to help Stephen. They work together flawlessly, just like they did on Titan, and manage to defeat theirenemy.

Stephen collapses immediately afterwards and so does the portal home. Now Tony is trapped in another dimension with an unconscious, possible dying, Stephen and no way home.

Tony manages to stabilize Stephen and is horrified when his scans reveal just how bad Stephen’s overall state of health is. He remembers the way Stephen hid from him and how he didn’t even manage to look into Tony’s eyes and fears that he’s part of the problem. He barely remembers what he screamed at Stephen back while Stephen took his words to heart and flagellated himself daily with them.

When Stephen finally sort-of wakes up he’s confused and panics when he sees Tony. It takes Tony a while to calm him down enough to explain the situation but Stephen’s too weak now to conjure a portal home. Tony swallows down the bitter words that want to escape and tells Stephen to rest and gather his strength.

“Just one more time,” he promises Stephen. “And then you can rest and recover.”

Stephen doesn’t say anything to that but his whole face makes it clear that there won’t be any rest for him until he drops dead. But he closes his eyes, turns his head away and pretends to fall asleep before Tony can react. Tony doesn’t say anything on the off-chance that Stephen really fell asleep. But he scoots just a little bit closer and retracts his armor fully so that their bodies can touch.

Stephen flinches a little bit, which breaks Tony’s heart, but he doesn’t move away. He falls into an exhausted sleep shortly afterwards and wakes up with Tony’s hand on his arm and the man sleeping. When he tries to extract himself Tony wakes up.

Stephen panics and moves away. He refuses any help and forces himself to his knees, conjuring a portal. “Here. A way home for you.” Go and leave me alone, is left unspoken but Tony hears it anyway. “I don’t know how long I can hold it open.” Stephen’s alreadyshowing signs of collapsing again and Tony is at his side, holding him upright, in a heartbeat.

“Not without you.”

But Stephen’s already lost consciousness again. Tony gathers all his courage and carries him through the collapsing portal back to Earth. His plan is to give Stephen over into Wong’s safe-keeping - and yell at the man for not taking better care of Stephen - but instead of the expected battlefield he finds himself back in the Sanctum. Stephen conjured a portal to his home in his pain and fear. The Cloak leavesStephen’s shoulders to show Tony the way to Stephen’s bedroom and Tony’s stuck with Stephensitting duty until someone else shows up.

There’s no way he’s letting Stephen go now, he realizes while he waits for Wong to come back and Stephen to wake up. He only has to make Stephen understand that he doesn’t hate him and that he’s sorry for what he said back then.

Eventually, Wong shows up and Tonydiscovers just what a wreck Stephen really is. Wong sees how Tony looks at Stephen and his anger towards Tony vanishes completely when Tony tells him about what they went through.

Over the next few days and weeks, while Stephen is mostly sleeping and not really coherent when he’s awake, Wong and Tony devise plans on how to make Stephen’s burden lighter. Stephen needs someone to take care of him in a way Wong simply can’t and Tony loves nothing more than to take care of people while Stephen needs someone to take care of him. Someone who will make him his number one priority in life.

Tony can be that person, Wong realizes to his delight. No, Stephen doesn’t get a vote, they both decide, because he’s an idiot who’ll rather die than ask for help. Literally.

When Stephen’s finally awake enough to get what’s going on he has to discover that Tony fucking Stark more or less moved into the bedroom next to his and that he’s now benched from his duties as Sorcerer Supreme until Wong finds him fit for duty again.

He forgets all about being pissed because Tony proceeds to heap tons of attention on him and it quickly becomesclear just how compatible the two of them are. Tony tells Stephen over and over again how sorry he is and that he didn’t mean the things he said back then, that he was hurting and exhausted and begs for Stephen’s forgiveness on a daily basis while showing him casual affection that gradually becomes more and more intimate.

Stephen slowly begins to heal but the road to full recovery - or as full as he’s capable of - will be long. He still can’t quite believe that Tony will never leave, no matter what the man himself says.

Tony is by now just as much in love with Stephen as Stephen is with him. He doesn’t say anything because he realizes that Stephen’s not ready to hear and believe it yet. So he stays, takes care of Stephen and tries to show him that he’s worthy of love and affection.

The whole story ends when they finally share their first kiss after weeks if not months of mutual pining and slow recovery, with Stephen in Tony’s arms. Where he belongs.

💫

I think it’s crystal clear why I never wrote the actual fic version of this thing, right? 🤣 But hey, you wanted angst, anon, and angst you shall have…

#ironstrange #amy imagines #Anonymous #inbox

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sssuperbartola · 5 years ago

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Their Night - ‘90s Inukag AU

I did it again, this time inspired by the amazing artwork of @thatchickbooboo I present to you a modern Au for our own favourite OTP

Enjoy~~

The sun was already setting on the horizon, leaving on its path a series of reddish -purple stripes of clouds lingering on top of the scraping towers of Tokyo. The city was almost immobile if looked from afar, already swiping its hectic traffics away and leaving the place to the nightly scenery of its chaotic town center and juvenile life. As soon as one left the freeway, though, the suburb area would pop out to welcome the travelers with a tranquil neighborhood and quiet streets. That’s where the local Buddhist temple of the Higurashi family was, a relic of the last generation of priests of the province. Nowadays, only the former family lived there, sometimes providing religious services to the community, but overall the structure turned into a symbolic state of a dismantled old power. And that’s where a flaming red Honda NSX was currently waiting, at the bottom of the long stairway directed to the family residence, just opposite to the temple. Inside, the driver was lightly tapping on the leather wheel, unconsciously following the drums’ rhythm of Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ while trying to make up his mind and get out of the car.

Inuyasha never thought of himself as a hesitant guy. On the contrary, he was one of the most steadfast people of the school, never backing out of a fight nor holding back his sharp tongue for a hasty remark. His bad boy status was what made him so popular in high school, that not a single soul dared to stand up to his feisty attitude. It wasn’t that he was a delinquent per sè, for that there were already too many bullies and stereotypical bitch types in his own life for him to act like one on his own. No, he surely wasn’t anything special: average school life, average private life - if you don’t count the fact his own father and brother were actually pretty powerful demons with powerful mingling with human business - then yeah, he managed just fine. Significantly more now that his position as an apprentice mechanic at Totosai’s Car Saloon was finally paying off the bills, with the first rewarding outcome of his job currently under his own butt. Tessaiga - or, as he liked to call her, Tessy- became an inseparable part of himself as soon as he laid eyes oh her when she was first brought to Totosai’s as a clunker to get pieces from. A little gruff on the outside, some dents here and there, but her unmarred interiors of beige and black leather and the thundering, smooth rumble of the engine spoke volumes of how much more than hot wheels could still do. And Inuyasha could tell that right away that she was speaking to him. So after a little quarrel with said shop owner, and after some negotiations from Inuyasha’s side, he was left in complete charge of the scarlet beauty, on the condition that he would do the reparations by himself, with his own paycheck. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t care that much for that detail, as he finally had his own vehicle for the first time ever, and, after a couple of months’ work, she became alive again.

It was never a mystery for Inuyasha how to fix stuff. Whenever he was given a broken or damaged object, he knew exactly what had to be done, which parts to dismantle, what to throw away, or even which ones had to receive the white-glove treatment. Don’t discard something that could earn back a second chance, his motto was. That spoke volumes for him and for everyone’s else, one of the reasons as for why Totosai was left quite impressed during an interview with the boy when he came to his car garage years ago.

One could say Inuyasha had a way with tools and machinery. However, when it came to people, that’s when he always hits a slippery slope. If we were to use a term from the area of his expertise, that’s what would “jam his system”. Not a single time he connected with people around him, not at work - although, social relationship was kept at a low rate there, only focusing on the work’s tasks and making some witty remarks when the occasion called for it - and most importantly, not when he would go to spend a scrape of his almost nonexistent philanthropic relationships with people. Usually, the solutions would be either not having a social life at all - but that would mean more harassment from his best friend Miroku - or swallow down the bitter pill and get on with the show. If it was up to him, he would choose neither.

Now, though, things were different. And Inuyasha had a hard time adjusting to that new fact.

His grip on the car wheel tightened, with both hands grasping at the coarse leather which now became slightly hotter thanks to the setting sun now peeking through the driver’s window. He deeply inhaled, flaming nostrils getting as much as they could, and then a woosh of air which pretty much didn’t do anything for his nerves, but wonders to the dusted dashboard in front of him. He wasn’t nervous, he definitely wasn’t, why would he anyway? It’s not like he has never done this before. Well, it has been a while since the last time he went on a date, maybe one can get rusty in that department, but dammit if that didn’t annoy him.

And what made things even worse, was the fact that he managed to get a date with none other than Kagome Higurashi. Kagome Higurashi, the president of the archery club at his own high school, and currently priestess under training.

She wasn’t the brightest student but she managed just fine, juggling herself between all her classes and still having time for the archery activity. Most of the times he would find her outside of class, talking with a bunch of other students, chatting happily or discussing the club’s administrations when it was with her fellow members. Never once has he saw her alone, always surrounded by people, were they her friends or just casual ‘hellos’ down the hallways. But she ain’t just a pretty girl to hang out with, Inuyasha though with a slight smirk, recalling the time she stood up to a teacher who wouldn’t stop dismissing a student’s request for delayed homework. She took out this fierce, bossy attitude that no one could tell she had in her, a spur of fight that made her quite the temerarious, but that in the end made her victorious in helping her classmate out.

Inuyasha could tell that she was a master of sociality, not just because of her many stunts, but mostly because she had this aura of positivity around her that drew folks towards her. She was reliable, willing to help, had a clear mind on her shoulders, and she was incredibly straightforward, to humans and demons. Which was why he redeemed her as special. See, while most people wouldn’t immediately jump at the idea of going out with a half-demon - yes, the biased selection among races still happened in the renewed Tokyo, even if tamed down to a historical minimum - she went completely on board as soon as he proposed her that. Given how skilled Inuyasha was, it was purely casualty that helped him even talk to her, and eventually get her to go out and have a stroll at the monthly city festival. He was casually leasuring on the front yard at lunch break waiting for Miroku’s ate arrival, when he was approached by her, the only time he saw her with no company, and Inuyasha immediately froze, not for fear or anything, but he was mindful enough of the fact he didn’t have the most welcoming appearance that time - uniform not always on point, shoulder-long white hair, couple of tattoos visible on his arms and at the base of his neck because of said disheveled look - but after a quick “hi” and the commonplace questions, he just started having a chat with her, a great milestone on his part.

She never once felt uncomfortable with his presence, since, y’know, she was the one who went to him in the first place, nor she held a superficial attitude because he was a halfty, but instead even giggled at his quick remarks. In the end, they even shared the lunch break together - Miroku was long forgotten and Inuyasha was grateful for once that he didn’t show up. By the end of the little vis-à-vis, Inuyasha landed a Friday date with her. Double milestones, ladies and gentlemen!

Thinking back about that time, Inuyasha still felt baffled by how simple it was to talk to her, how carefree he felt with just being in her presence, the anxiety of facing a conversation just gone. She truly made him feel like himself, and he finally understood what her secret powers were, maybe that’s why he didn’t even stutter when he asked her out, maybe he felt like it was something so normal, yet so better than just hanging around for lunch. And it all took a ten minutes talk with this girl.

He unconsciously smiled and that memory, a warm, tingly sensation coursing through him at the anticipation of seeing her again, and that was his final resolution, turning off the radio and swiftly exiting the car, ready to get to the front door with his head held tight.

He jogged up the stairway, so happy he was. As soon as he reached the front door, he stopped and took a deep breath. He once again looked down at his own attire: donned in nothing but a white T-shirt, black jeans and dark Nikes, he hoped that he wasn't being too casual. It was just Tokyo’s late spring festival after all.

Miroku’s teasing, usual encouragement echoed in his mind: C’mon ‘Yasha, let your inner dog out! and Inuyasha agreed with it for once. He lifted his right hand and rang the doorbell.

Couple of seconds after, the door swiftly opened and he was greeted by a small boy, who looked incredibly similar to Kagome and was anything but surprised by his presence at his entrance. “Hey, you must be the guy my sister’s dating! Name’s Souta, I’m her brother. Sis is not quite ready yet, she’s always late when she makes herself pretty. You can come in and wait with Gramps in the living room.” With that, Souta quickly left as he arrived, leaving Inuyasha dumbly standing at the door, trying to process what just happened. Was that....did that just happened? Was there even a boy earlier?..... What?

Shaking his head lightly, he stepped inside the little house, discarding his shoes at the entrance and then approaching the wooden corridor, which he assumed would lead to the living room the boy talked about. Not even after a couple of steps, and a woman with dark hair like Kagome’s but shorter appeared from the corridor’s end. As she glanced at him, she smiled warmly “Oh, hello, dear! You must be the boy Kagome talked me about” the woman started while approaching him, her hands busy with cleaning themselves on the apron she was wearing, “I’m her mother, nice to meet you, Inuyasha right?” She quickly raised her hand towards him in a greeting way. Inuyasha, still quite taken aback from all the informality received so far, slowly reached for the woman’s hand, shaking it lightly “Uh, yea, nice to meet you too, Ma’am” he automatically replied, his posture a bit rigid. The woman giggled lightly - a sound so cristally pure, just like Kagome’s own giggling. “Oh, please, no need to be this formal. ‘Ma’am’ makes me older than i already feel!” she jokingly argued. “Kagome is still getting ready in her room, but it won’t take long, why don’t you wait in the living room? Can I get you anything dear?” she kindly offered. “Oh, no thank you, Ma- I mean, I’m fine like this. I’ll just wait for Kagome” Mrs. Higurashi beamed at him, then gently said “Alright, dear. I’ll let Kagome know you’re here in the meantime” and with that, she slowly turned to the other stairway which went up to the second floor. Inuyasha watched her climbing up the stairs for a while, before finally turning towards a room at his right from which the sound of a TV came.

When he approached the open door, he was greeted by another person - just how many people this house has? - sitting on the green tatami, but the huge newspaper covered the person on the other side. The room itself was nothing special: a sofa in the right corner where the boy from earlier, Souta, sat with crossed legs while playing with a GameBoy with his face furrowed in concentration, the TV opposite of the sofa, and the coffee table right in the middle. Inuyasha’s sight lingered briefly on the other figure, then slowly made it for sitting at the same table, when the man from behind the newspaper spoke out of nowhere “You came here by yourself?”.The voice startled Inuyasha for a second, stopping mid-air from completely sitting down, then looked right at the newspaper in question. “What?” he asked confused, not sure if the question was directed to him at all. The upper half of the papers was hastily bent and the face of an old man appeared with a crabby look on. “I was asking if you came here by yourself, boy”; with that repeated, the old man put away completely the newspaper at his side, then clasped his hands on the table in front of him, while never leaving his eyes from the half-demon.

He was probably in his late 60s, a tiny yet challenging figure with an old house kimono on. By looking at him, Inuyasha assumed he was Kagome’s grandfather or something, so he didn’t feel particularly threatened by him, but he didn’t appreciate much his look, specifically when he was clearly observing his sleeveless arms adorned with scattered tattoos. Inuyasha regarded the old man with both brows furrowed, his eyes slowly drifted across the room as if to look for an answer anywhere, but eventually sat completely down, his leg crossed, his arms folding on themselves, an unconscious twitch of his dog ears. After that, he answered “Uh, no, I came here with my car” “What? you got your own car?!” Souta quickly exclaimed, his attention completely drawn away from the game, “What car do you have?” he now sat straight on the sofa, his hands on both his knees, looking in excitement toward Inuyasha.

“I drive a Honda NSX. It’s a pretty recent model, 1990” he replied, quite content for the fact that the boy was curious about his car, something Inuyasha was comfortable enough to talk about. The old man, though, was not that impressed. “Mh, those cars are pretty expensive, where did you find one?” he inquired, pensive. Inuyasha didn’t understand the implications behind those words, but he gave the old man the benefit of the doubt, “I didn’t buy it, it was gonna be dismantled for change pieces but it was still good to work, so I took it and fixed it myself at the garage where I work” he simply stated, his eyes shifting from the old man and Souta.

At the mentioning of a car shop, the old man’s whole figure lit up with a new aura, changing from guarded to genuine surprise.“Garage?” His posture became more relaxed and for the first time since Inuyasha joined the conversation, the mood became more light “Say, isn’t it by chance... the old Totosai’s car saloon in Shibuya?” Inuyasha’s own look matched the old man’s and was quick to confirm his thoughts “Yes, it’s actually still there, I’m his apprentice mechanic. I started almost a year ago” At that, the old man took off.

“Oh, I can’t believe it! That scranky old man still has his business going on?! It’s been so long since I’ve been there, these old bones of mine crack at the slightest breeze, ahh! But I bet that old raisn’s not yet given up, uh? Tell me, boy, does he still smell like an old burnt shoe?” While asking that he showed a playful smile, already prepared for the answer. Inuyasha was more than glad to tell him about it, surprised that the old man knew his demon boss. A fang poked out while smirking back at him, not even hiding his amusement. “Oh, yeah, the more he spends time covered in greasy motor oil, the worse it gets. Everyone at work thinks he has never taken a bath in a whole millennium!” Grandpa Higurashi bursted out laughing hard, slamming a hand on the coffee table, leaving the poor Souta shocked at his reaction. “I didn’t know you had a friend like that, Gramps. I thought all the people you knew were already...gone” Souta muttered, and not being too specific on that topic, but that was enough to bring back the old man on Earth. Grampa quickly turned to the boy “Don’t say such nonsense, Souta! Back in my days, I knew all sorts of people, both human and demons. It’s more than normal for me to have friends amongst the youki population”.

Those words caught Inuyasha’s attention, whose eyes widen in astonishment. Never in his life has he heard of someone of the old generation who befriended both demons and human without any problem. Apart from his mother, who was the only person he knew capable of such a thing, he now was the one curious about the old man’s life. He inched forward, his upper arms resting on the smooth surface, leaning on both of them “So you know him? And for how long?” he found himself asking with unsuppressed stupor. Grandpa Higurashi scoffed smugly, crossing both arms in a resolute way, his chin held high “Well, I’ll have you know that we were quite the duo a long time ago, I was barely 17 years old when I started helping him in his workshop. Gotta get myself some pocket money to go out and have fun, y’know, I had to get started somewhere, and good ol’ Totosai owed me big time!”

Grampa narrated. “He owned you a favour?? He’s the most tight-fisted person I know! Ain’t no soul who managed to make a deal with him!” Inuyasha inquired bewildered, still incredulous at the fact he found probably the only person around Tokyo with gossips about that old fart. And it happened to also be his date’s grandfather!

“‘Cause no one knows him like I do, son. I got him good for that time, lemme tell you about it” Grampa commenced, but before anything could have been said, a feminine, joyous voice spoke just behind Inuyasha’s back. “Inuyasha!”

At that familiar voice, and that familiar sweet scent, Inuyasha’s pierced ear flickered slightly while slowly turning around. The sight that welcomed him left him out of breath.

He already thought Kagome was cute, if not even beautiful to him, but the way she was donned in tonight only accentuated her own natural prettiness.

A simple, aquamarine tank top framed her small but toned bust, the upper edges adorned in a floral, black lace pattern. While the pale blueish color enhanced her soften, pale skin like crystal, transparent water would contrast with moonlight, the blackness of the lace was a touch of elegance perfect for a night out. Her voluminous, long black hair was loosely framing her creamy cheeks and neck, reaching way past her shoulders, the only contrasting color a golden necklace just under her sternum. Inuyasha’s gaze lingered on the skin revealed by the top but slowly descended low, reaching her high-waisted, dark jeans skirt which left her long, smooth legs running dangerously free of constriction. There was nothing out of the extraordinary in her clothing, yet she managed to look ethereal all the same. She stepped into the room more, reaching his place, hands tucked behind her back from shiness. “Hi” she softly muttered, her eyes never leaving him, never ceasing to smile.

It took a while for Inuyasha to finally talk to her, and when he stopped mentally drooling, he swiftly stood up. “Hey, you” he creatively said, unable to hide his own smile.

Kagome briefly glanced behind him, looking at her brother and grandpa who also were watching them. Then looked up at him - he sure was tall… “I hope they didn’t annoy you too much, it’s rare for them to see another male being inside this house”, she asked him, her nervous smile less visible, pure amusement was coming from that question, while her hands, now in front of her, were fidgeting a bit.

Inuyasha turned his head back as well as if to confirm the presences behind him, he then reassured her “Oh, uh, no, not at all, we were just chattin’ about stuff. They’re cool”. At that, Souta’s face lit up with pride while Gramps nodded in agreement, quite content of the young man’s compliment. “I’m glad to hear it. Well, I’m ready to go, so we can head out” Inuyasha dumbly nodded, then gestured the exit for her while following behind. He gave one last glance behind him at the two other members who both gave him a wave of the hand. Relieved from that response, she smiled weakly and waved back goodbye.

They both reached the door in silence, but then Inuyasha’s mouth reacted before he was able to stop it, “You look beautiful by the way”. He mentally facepalmed himself at how nauseatingly clichè that sounded, even if it was the truth. Kagome turned around, more surprised for a break of the silence between them rather than the compliment itself, but unfazed nonetheless. “Thank you”, she said with a genuine smile, while her cheeks shifted to a light pink that matched her own rosy lips. Inuyasha stared at her but quickly averted his eyes afterward, making himself busy with his shoes scraping the floor. She giggled softly and then reached out for her own shoes, and after she was done, she raised her voice to call for her mother “Mama, we’re heading out! Don’t stay up waiting for me!”

As soon as she finished that sentence, said woman popped her head out in the corridor again “Bye, honey! Ah, remember, the festival has now a Kissing Bridge just above the river in Shibuya. It’s a recent one, in case you two wanted to check it out!” she casually suggested while winking at both of them. The two teens abruptly became as red as Inuyasha’s Honda at that, with said hanyou was unable to form a remark, too busy to observe the doormat. A frustrated “Mama!” was the only thing Kagome could say back, but Mrs. Higurashi barely giggled at that “Have a fun night!” and disappeared again.

Kagome was still pouting at her mother now gone. She had hoped for no intromissions from her own mother when she told her about her grand date. How embarrassing was that! And while Inuyasha was right there too!

Something warm placed itself on her shoulders, bringing her small self closer to the hanyou next to her. Caught by surprise, Kagome lifted her eyes up only to find said half-demon smirking down at her, the whiteness of one of his fangs caught her attention for a split second, before coming back to his amber-colored irises.

“We got the whole night to ourselves, a drop at this bridge sounds nice, don’t you think?” His voice held something husky behind it and Kagome found herself drawn by every syllable. Face slightly flushed, she fatigued on responding, but eventually, she managed to emit a soft “uh yeah, I guess so”. Satisfacted with her response, Inuyasha removed his arm from her but never left his sight from her warm, brown eyes. Where that smooth nonchalance came from, he had no idea, but he had to thank Mrs. Higurashi from that wingwoman action right there. He stepped away from her in order to open the door and let her step out of the house, and after she realized that, she quickly exited, just to be followed shortly by her.

They reached the outdoor stairway side by side, and before going down to where Inuyasha’s car was parked, they quickly exchange a look, one who held no hesitation from both of them, only the thrill of what was going to happen next, the possibilities enchanted by the moon, the stars and their own heart. Kagome felt smaller under his smoldering gaze, yet she was more than ready to how her own fire as well. Inuyasha held a lingering feeling of fear, but his doubts were cleared by the waves of excitement that took over his body and made him reach out for her hand. She didn’t flinch nor stepped back, but firmly grasped his clawed fingers. Together with the last final ray of sun on the horizon, they, too, descended towards the night; their own night.

#inukag #inuyasha #kagoe #otp #au #90s #modern au #their night #fanfiction #personal blog

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ssironstrange · 6 years ago

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endgame rant

SPOILERS AHEAD PLEASE AVOID IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT YET

yeah i know i said i wouldn’t post spoiler shit but listen i gotta get this off my chest ok

i have some REAL BIG FUCKING ISSUES with the way the russos handled a lot of plotlines. don’t get me wrong, this movie was amazing and epic and fucking award worthy, but as a fan i’ve taken offense to a Lot of things.

clint

nothing about his ronin story makes a lick of fucking sense in the mcu. his family is dusted so he…… goes on a mass murdering spree??? decides that he should get a haircut and spend the next five years getting an edgy tattoo sleeve??? um. okay then. destroy the past like 10 years of his character having one of the best moral compasses of the entire team. why did he take up using a fucking SWORD in present day? do you know how long it takes to master swordsmanship at the level he was? with at least half of the world’s teachers gone? more than five fucking years thats for damn sure. and between him and natasha dying for the soul stone? it should have been him. i know he had a family and all but listen. nat went through physical and psychological torture. her body was modified against her will. she was brainwashed and used. and finally, FINALLY she gets free of it all, finds a family in the avengers, and continues to try and better herself to make up for things that weren’t even her fault to begin with. and clint? what did he suffer? oh thats right. nothing. he’s just damn good at his job and loves his family. the fact he has a family sucks for sacrifice, but they are well taken care of and every single one of his kids are old enough to understand AND nat would have stepped in immediately as a parental figure to help laura. they fucking fridged nat for clint and i will never forgive that.

thor

here we go. thor’s character legit made me uncomfortable. they went way overboard with the new thor personality. but… fatshaming and making fun of his very real depression and ptsd?? wtf russos. like, haha he let himself go so funny but its NOT. he wasn’t even like…. fat, for one. just a normal dadbod and beer belly. which by the way seems a lot more realistic according to most norse myths of the gods. they were warriors, yeah, but they drank a fucking lot and feasted a fucking lot so. anyway. thor has lost his entire family. not only that but he watched them all die. he saw his mother bleed out. he watched his father disperse into nothingness. he watched the brother he has loved and cherished no matter the amount of times of betrayal and misdeeds get his neck snapped and his lifeless body thrown to the ground. and then the sister he never knew he had killing almost all of your people and then being forced to find a way to kill her. can you imagine trying to cope with that??? and when you put his age into our perspective, he’s only in his 20s. so imagine seeing your whole family die before you’re even 25, then taking on the responsibility of ruling your people. said surviving people are then massacred in front of you with only a few dozen escaping. THEN living with the guilt of blowing your chance to kill the man responsible for that and unable to stop him from decimating half the universe. (and even when he does get revenge on him, it’s too late) tell me you wouldn’t have an atomic level meltdown. thor is suffering so much and all they can do is make fun of him for it and shame him for it. he deserved better.

steve

yall know i don’t like steve. i don’t hate him and i’m not anti-steve, i’ve just never enjoyed his rather inconsistent character and self-righteousness. it felt like we were FINALLY getting a steve i could get behind in this. a steve that swears like he should. a steve who still puts on a brave face for the public but behind closed doors with friends he’s miserable and broken like the rest of them and SHOWS it to them. a steve who realizes he is stuck in the past and just can’t seem to move forward. a steve who i can finally see the culmination of EVERYTHING he’s been through resting on his shoulders and eating him alive inside. finally we were getting a properly layered steve rogers. and then tony came back and that all fell apart. we didn’t get the apology steve owed him (and tbh tony owed him one too but we’ll get to that), we didn’t get a remorseful steve. he didn’t even address the goddamn issue. he went straight back to his bullshit. admittedly he was a better listener this time around and a far better team player overall. it wasn’t a total loss. but. BUT. his ending? no. hell fucking no. i’m happy he and peggy got their life, but it still shouldn’t have happened. how fucking selfish. how fucking backwards of his character. i get he didn’t have a choice in being brought back into the present and that is unfair and sucks for him, but what fucking right did he have to mess with a timeline like that? what right did he have to just decide without telling anyone he was done and giving up? why did he get the fucking happy ending???? steve rogers who looked tony in the eyes and said he wasn’t the kind of man to lay on the wire for someone copped out. steve rogers who knows of all the social progress we’ve made decides to go back to a time where he would be forced to accept segregation and extreme gender inequality and rampant, blatant, gross racism of all sorts oh and more war and alkjdalksdhkas NO plus they broke their own time travel rules so like whatever i guess right?? it’s okay if steeb gets his stupid happy ending right? god is it SO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONCE TO HAVE A GOOD CHARACTERIZATION OFCAP???? it’s not your fault cevans honey you’re doing amazing your directors just have no fucking idea

tony

frankly this has been amongst rdj’s best performances of tony. i’m still partial to a lot of his acting in the iron man movies BUT this was FANTASTIC. him finally being allowed to absolutely go off on steve was fucking delicious and everything i was waiting for. let it all out tony baby. buuuuut we should have also had something more. i know my fellow tony stans typically don’t believe it but tony was wrong in civil war too. surprise they both fucking were. ANYWAY. i was waiting for an honest apology between them both. after everything they just went through, NONE of the petty bullshit they went through before matters at all. and yet the closest thing we get is tony just being like “turns out i don’t like to hold grudges” or what the fuck ever. why is it so hard just to make one of them say i’m sorry, the other say i’m sorry, admit it was a bunch of BULLSHIT hug it out and then go forward???? ugh. their choice to make tony suddenly care about his dad and be happy to see him???? disgusting. they made it canon that howard was an abuser, neglectful, cold, and hateful. it’s been a BIG DEAL how tony has struggled with the relationship to his dad because of how shitty the man was to him. and then they do tHAT? fuuuuCK that!!!! i’m not saying tony isn’t allowed to forgive howard. thats fine and expected tbh. but they pushed it way too far. the tony stark we’ve known for the last decade would never get all giddy and happy to see him and hug him and fucking thank him??? what the fuckk?? god that was gross. you know what we should have gotten? what tony deserved more than howard fucking stark? MARIA STARK!! and then, of course, my main issue. they fucking killed him. which only tells us, the audience and fans that no matter what you suffer and sacrifice that your only way to redemption is death. jesus fucking christ i am SO angry over this. they killed the two who suffered the fucking most. the two who every single goddamn day worked on being a better person. nat and tony both deserved so much better than waht they got. how the fuck did it make sense to kill tony who now has a fucking CHILD, who still has a future, who FINALLY FOR ONCE IN HIS FUCKING LIFE FOUND A SHRED OF PEACE????? and then let steve just go selfishly galavant through time as he pleases to have the cute happy ending? FUCK that ending. fuck it right up the ass with a huge unlubed cock. steve should have been the one to use the gauntlet. period. he should have been the one to die like that. i would have still fucking cried but you know what?? that would be the most cap thing ever. i wanted a mirror of pre-serum steve jumping on that grenade, but this time grabbing the gauntlet and not hesitating for a split second to snap. but no. they killed tony who left behind a wife who DESERVED MORE THAN HAVING THE MAN SHES LOVED AND SUPPORTED AND MARRIED AND HAS A CHILD WITH RIPPED AWAY FROM HER!!! tony who left behind a daughter too young to really comprehend yet why her daddy isn’t going to be coming back. fuck you russos. the injustice of it is astounding. i’m never going to get over it. you know how they could have killed tony? if they really felt like they needed to? have him grow old and die naturally of old age with pepper in their cute little lakeside house after watching morgan grow into such a strong and brilliant person. but oh. they gave that to steve. right.

stephen

i’ll never complain about having more stephen content but uhhhh i’m gonna complain that we didn’t get more than what we got cause after sitting in the soulworld for five fucking years you canNOT tell me he didn’t get even stronger with time to practice and meditate and work through every iota of information of mystical shit in his head. and yet they sidelined him??? after we’ve SEEN what he’s capable of in IW? just gonna put him on flood control???? something that any of those goddamn sorcerers could have done while he helps wipe the floor with thanos or any of the thousands of enemies? fuuuuuuuuuck that. can you fucking imagine how quickly thanos would have been taken out if it were wanda, carol, and stephen all three against him? jesus. he’s literally amongst the most powerful people but nah, just have him stand over there.

the gay russo

FUCK you for that. i am LIVID about it. yall can’t fucking make valkyrie bi???? or carol????? yall can’t GET AN ACTUAL GAY ACTOR? “ We felt it was important that one of us play him, to ensure the integrity and show it is so important to the filmmakers that one of us is representing that. “ WHAT????????? are you fucking telling me a WOC WHO IS OUT AS BISEXUAL AND WANTS HER CHARACTER TO BE BISEXUAL COULDNT ENSURE THE INTEGRITY OF AN LGBT CHARACTER???????????????? “ It is a perfect time, because one of the things that is compelling about the Marvel Universe moving forward is its focus on diversity.” SEE PREVIOUS COMMENT????? oh my god fuck them forever.

lets make rules for our time travel then break them immediately

idek whats going on in the timeline anymore. they utterly fucked up and BROKE the timeline of 2012 avengers after letting loki get away with the tesseract. which should have cascaded into their future but, well, it didn’t. so i GUESS now we’re just pretending that made a new timeline which makes no goddamn sense but whatever i guess. steve going back to completely fuck with his timeline, or a timeline at least, and having no consequences in the future besides being old. okay. sure??? we can do all that but we can’t fucking get natasha back. right. cool. okay.

anyway i’m sure theres more bugging me but these are the things bothering me most.

and frankly i don’t care if anyone disagrees i’m not arguing or debating any of this.

#endgame

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long-bodyswap · 6 years ago

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Deal With The Devil

by vchris1989

I told my son all his life to wear a hat whenever possible, but like any rebellious child, he ignored me and was convinced he was right- that the ravages of UV damage, photoaging, and skin cancer would just ignore him. I couldn’t even get him to wear sunscreen or wear sunglasses. He thinks I’m being type A just because I care about him and his well being, but the real reason is much more selfish. You see, centuries ago I accidentally made a deal with an unfriendly metaphysical entity, Yeah let’s just go with that. Doesn’t sound as bad as deal with the devil, but that’s basically what it was. I was born in an era when maintaining youth was much more difficult because we didn’t understand the importance of diet and exercise to overall physical attractiveness and youth maintenance. We didn’t even have sunscreen or understand that the sun causes over 90% of all skin aging, with the rest being a combo of diet, exercise, sleep quality, bad habits, pollution, and genes. You can see I’ve done my research, but back in the 1600′s, when I was a 45 year old man and verging on death (a respectable age of death back then), the devil heard my cry for help, which he later claimed pierced dimensional walls. I so wanted to live and be youthful again. To have a fresh start at eternal youth. However, if he had just given me an immortality/youth potion I never would have died and there wouldn’t be any soul to collect. That’s when he gave me my ultimatum; that I could possess my son, who had just turned 18, and that I could repeat this process infinitely, experiencing youth and power, and also being responsible for breeding my future vessel. I was assured that in the interim period between bodies I would be protected from disease and fatal accidents. The price for all of this would be the soul of the son I would then inhabit. I think you know what path I took…I used to be quite ashamed, but after about the fifth generation I became numb to the process. In the grand scheme of my life, this is as routine as Spring cleaning. Out with the old, in with the new. So when my son finally turned 18, I began assembling the necessary materials and reciting the incantation which by now I have memorized by heart. This is the perfect time to begin because James is out back, doing his damn sunbathing alone on our private beach. All these years have helped me accumulate quite a portfolio of wealth and investments, all of which will be transferred to James when my current descendant vessel passes upon my transfer. After finishing the incantation I blow out the last candle and collapse to the ground before my spirit is ripped out of my vessel and flies at lightning speeds towards the beach where James is out, asleep and shirtless as he perfects his bronze. My spirit flies straight down from the sky, slamming into his tight and toned stomach, making those abs contract in response as the impact sends me cascading all throughout his body in one quick swoosh. James awakens in a panic, trembling and convulsing, groaning in discomfort as he feels full beyond what is physically possible. His legs squirm together, toes curling and eyes clenched shut while he grips his hands into fists around the towel, pulling with all his might as he tries to will me out of him. James has always been a fighter- anyone could see that from the way his pecs and abs seem to be popping with effort, but it’s no use. My essence flows through his veins and fills every cell of his body, adhering and making his form my own. He screams one last echoing cry before arching his back and collapsing down onto the towel. I’m breathing super heavy, feeling young and athletic lungs expand and contract as I lay in the sand with shut eyes. My heart is racing faster than it ever could in my previous vessel, sending bursts of endorphins and young male testosterone crashing though my new veins, particularly through the veins in my new cock. This is always my favorite part! The inspection of my new body. I’ve had many generations to breed my future vessels into the handsome, cute, and athletic type like James happens to be. James might actually be my favorite so far. I mean, Fuck, the kid’s got amazing legs. Lean yet strong, and dusted with the perfect amount of manly brown hair, leading all the way up his thighs to the prize. James is one hung little fucker, just like I planned when I was breeding him. In spite of his lean physique, the wood he’s packing must be 9 inches hard, perfect thickness surrounded by a perfectly trimmed bush of brown hair. I always teach my sons the important of personal grooming- it makes my first exploration of their bodies much more enjoyable. Going up, James has a lean and toned core- the type of abs and pecs that aren’t huge, but fuck they are perfectly chiseled. There’s just a light brown treasure trail traveling down to his crotch, but I’m hopeful that when he hits his early twenties there will be more chest hair and ab hair. That’s right, because his body is all mine now. No matter how many sons I breed and take over it just never gets old- the satisfaction of entering them and stealing control of their bodies- feeling fresh lungs breathe as I test out my new voice and run my new hands all up and down my new vessel, unable to contain the smile and giddiness overtaking my new face. “You really were a good son, James,” I say as my youthful and sexy voice sends a chill down my spine. “But you make an even better vessel,” I say seductively as I reach my hands around the elastic waistband of these swim trunks, sliding them down and cooing as I rub along my abs and chest, squeezing James’ nipples and giving that meat room to grow to its full 9 inches. Squirming in the sand, I finally reach my limit and grab onto that dick, yelling ecstatically as I’m overcome by the electric pleasure cascading down my crotch all the way to my curled toes and up my tight abs and pecs, making my whole body tense up in appreciation. “Get’s better each time!” I moan as I pump my son’s meat out in the open on the sunny beach. Good thing I own the damn beach so I have some privacy. If James wasn’t sweating before, he’s fucking glistening by the time I feel his balls tightening, earth-crumbling pressure building inside me and spreading down my thighs and up my core as I grit my teeth trying to give this meat the best pounding it’s ever had. “OHHHHHHHH FFFUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!” I roar as the pressure becomes too much. I shriek as each load erupts from my cock, splashing all over my chest, abs, and face as convulsions of sensation make my back arch against my will. I’m gasping for breath as this stream of manly fluids rockets out of me, making me feel young again- ready to live again. It’s been a month and life couldn’t be better. I get so bored at these funerals after having gone to so many, but it’s just part of the routine. People tell me how sorry they are about my “dad.” I put on my best sad face, maybe even shedding a tear if I have particularly fond memories in the vessel, but by the time I get to the lawyers office and reclaim my assets in my younger body, I am smiles from ear to ear. I plan on living large for the rest of the summer before starting college. I’m always very hard on the future vessels I breed, so James was accepted to Yale University, a family tradition. While there I’ll have time to meet a suitable breeding mate to make my future vessel, but for now I can have some fun! You see, over the years I’ve had time to explore and so I would say I am bi with a slight preference for guys. This was all absolutely forbidden in my time, but what a wonderful era to be alive when I can be an 18 year-old heir to a family dynasty and fortune who loves to power-bottom with his tight, boy ass. I’ve done some exploring, and James’ hole is the best one of any vessel I have ever bred! I intend to make great use of it! This is pretty random, but I think I might change things up with my next son. Maybe move South and pressure him to get into Duke. Hell, I’ll just build them a new library or something and he should be fine. It might be a few decades away, but that’s just the blink of an eye in my perfect existence.

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constantlyirksome · 6 years ago

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Review: All Good Things Must Come to an Endgame. (major spoilers.)

Capping off phase three of the Marvel cinematic universe was always going to be a monumental task. It had to be a film that worked both as a sequel to Infinity War, while also tying together buckets of plot and development from over twenty movies over the last decade. The Russo brothers had to juggle actors contracts being up, coming up with a believable fix to The Snap, while subtly hinting at what might come next for phase four. For the most part they managed to create a thrilling, satisfying movie that had me cheering in my seats, but definitely had me thinking about certain (mostly inconsequential) details that didn’t feel quite right.

Review under the cut.

The Time Heist.

We knew that somehow, no matter what, the remaining heroes from Infinity war would find a way to get everyone back. It’d be a crap end to the franchise if they didn’t, and also confusing considering there are movies planned that depend on certain characters, you know… existing. Time travel was the prevailing theory for a lot of people, and it makes the most sense. Still, the way that idea was used, to go back to key times in MCU that were both infinity stone locations, and places were each character could grow and reflect on the past was beautiful. And it was entertaining as an audience member seeing characters that have grown so much over the years encounter younger, stupider versions of themselves (looking at you Starlord.) The heavy emphasis on the original avengers film in 2012 was important; as that was arguably the first movie that proved a shared cinematic universe could work. As the present day Scott, Tony, Steve and Bruce scurry around the 2012 battle of New York we get a look back at the original six heroes kicking ass, as well as a sneaky view into what happened after. The way they all just took the tesseract, scepter and time stone felt very easy but was enjoyable nonetheless. In fact, the collection of all the stones, barring the soul stone guarded by Red Skull were all collected incredibly easily, so the focus was more on nostalgia than a complicated heist plot.

(A highlight was definitely Tony perving on “America’s ass”.)

Not All Hero Arcs were Created Equal.

With the destruction of half all living things the movie was able to zero in on a smaller core cast, and luckily the first six Avengers, the people who have been on the journey the longest, it was a final chance to give them a thoughtful, meaningful farewell. With the addition of Rocket, Rhodey, Nebula and to a lesser extend Carol (more on that in a bit) the original cast were able to close out their storylines. Some of these were more successful, Hawkeye getting his family back, or Bruce finding a balance between beast and man were nice. The Hulk thing was strange and could be written off as a joke, it’s hard to take Bruce or the Hulk seriously as the weird mash-up they ended up as.

Some of the storylines ended, in my opinion, kind of sourly. As soon as Hawkeye and Black Widow rocked up to the soul stone planet, you knew one of them was doomed. Scarlett Johansson rose to the occasion in a big way, as she sometimes falls flat. First as the tired warrior trying to hold down the Avengers after the snap, which was a cool evolution to a character who used to be a loner, then as the sacrificial lamb. It was a truly heartbreaking thing to watch Clint and Nat try to save each other, a final ode to their relationship, which was one of the best in the MCU. When Clint returned to the present without her it felt heavy, so I was frustrated she didn’t get as great a send-off or the same emotional response that the other major death got.

Thor’s fate is already one of the most contentious outcomes on the internet. I hate that basically any development made during Thor Ragnarok has been undone, I wish that the Russo’s had been more faithful to the ideas Taika Waititi and Chris Hemsworth made. But I do believe his current state, as a drunk, overweight recluse, isn’t totally out of the realm of possibility. He did lose everything and blamed himself for The Snap, so to want to spiral, to break down and lose hope, isn’t beyond possibility. The weight gain could be seen as just a punch line, (making fun of people who gain weight isn’t funny or cool) but it’s also a conscious step away from “perfect man, perfect body angel pirate” thing. He still got to play around with Meek and Korg, which was great. I do not believe for a second he would just leave New Asgard and the people he fought so hard to join the Guardians. That’s dumb, but when an actor wants to put a character to rest concessions have to be made. The big issue will be explaining his absence if he’s not in Guardians 3. (He could and should replace Chris Pratt.)

Tony and Steve, Captain America and Iron Man, were always going to be the two characters with the grandest ending narratives. They have led and been the leaders of most movies. They got, in my opinion, very suitable and bittersweet endings. Cap has fought and fought, slowly inching away from the patriot of the 1940s, to see him go back and get the ending he was robbed of when he went into the ice was really nice. The rules of fictional time-travel, not just in Back to the Future, say he shouldn’t have been able to do this. To totally change his past things would change in the future but whatever. Would he leave all the friends he’s made the last decade, to revert back to a more difficult time? That’s for the message boards to debate. He got a happy ending, which is fitting.

Tony Stark has had one of the best character arcs in movie history. From “the merchant of death,” to a hero who was still an emotionally stunted lone wolf, to a team leader who has tried to sacrifice himself at least once in every movie he’s been in. The hero that started the entire franchise in a cave with a box of scraps. He sort of got his happy ending and then didn’t. He got to spend four years happy with a family which is what a lot of people wanted for him. But in the end, it was him that made the ultimate sacrifice. There’s the idea that to have a character suffer for so long to only die at the end isn’t entertainment. But it was fitting, it was emotional and it was beautiful. He had the strength to do his own snap, and then he got to be with his wife, his best friends and his adoptive son Peter one last time. (I thought I couldn’t cry harder than when Peter turned to dust, but the sequel hurt, where the two roles were reversed, way more.) Robert Downey Jr's work, his acting in not just those final scenes but in the whole movie was a master class. Hopefully, Peter and the rest of the world will be able to move on… But I doubt it.

Thanos in Infinity War said to Strange during their first battle “You never used your greatest weapon” which back then was the time stone, but this time it was Captain Marvel. The excuse that she was in space explained why she never helped the Avengers before pretty well but to use that again to explain how little she was in Endgame was a cop-out. The first ten minutes, where they fight Thanos the first time and she put him in a chokehold was so satisfying. The second time when she took the full brunt of a head-butt and not flinch was even cooler. Imagine if she’d had the opportunity to travel to 2012 or even to go collect the power stone. I understand that she has solo sequels pretty much assured, but she definitely should have been in Endgame so much more… and her haircut made her look like Hillary Clinton.

The next generation, Valkyrie, Wanda, Carol, Sam and Bucky all have bright futures, and I think it’ll be very exciting when Disney releases television shows starring some of them.

Fight!

Finally, I wanted to mention how perfect, how epic, how breathtaking that final fight was. Starting with the big three against a no gauntlet Thanos, that almost would have been enough. We got the fan service of Captain America holding you know what, Thor fighting with long hair again. But when Thanos’ army comes over the hill, and then Doctor Strange opes up a hundred portals I screamed. Why neither of these armies showed up in Infinity War is a mystery but it was beautiful all the same. And that sequence, all the female heroes of the last decade (Including Pepper in some dope blue armor) lining up and going ham on their enemies was my favorite part of the movie hands down.

Final Verdict

So the overall feeling as I left the theatre was lots of excitement, and that the journey that the movies and the audience had been following for so, so long had come to a pretty satisfying conclusion. Any problems audiences may have so far seem to be subjective, and could be debated, about Caps goodbye, Thor’s weight, or whatever else. Endgame did an amazing job of celebrating the old movies, and was full of amazing action and fight sequences and left the door open to the possibilities for more movies with some fan favorites.

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alienshea · 6 years ago

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And now, for no absolute reason, I will give every Gorillaz song from the main 6 studio albums my rating from 1-10

Self-Titled

Re-Hash: 7.5/10

Bopping tune, 2D doing his own backup vocals make me swoon, Noodle is great as always, no one really knows what the lyrics are but they’re valid

5/4: 6/10

Better than average,not the best song i’ve ever heard but still pretty good, kinda uncomfy with Noodle screaming about someone turning her dad on, drumbeat makes me wanna dance, wished they couldve made the music video

Tomorrow Comes Today: 7/10

The kind of song that gets stuck in your head all day, love the overall sad tone, music video makes me laugh now bc that one murdoc gif, makes me cry when i have depressive episodes

New Genius (Brother): 7.5/10

Love 2D’s voice in it, lyrics hit home a little bit for me, have never skipped this song tbh, overall pretty good song

Clint Eastwood: 8.5/10

I literally know all the words, I love the rap, iconic, there’s a reason it’s popular, Del is everything

Man Research (Clapper): 3/10

oooo boy i’m gonna get shit for this one, i always skip this song, i can’t stand the whole “yeah yeah” thing, the only great part about this song is the “tHiS Is a bReAkFaSt ClUuUuuUB!”

Punk: 6.5/10

gets me turnt, toooooo short, tbh i like any song where 2D yells

Sound Check (Gravity): 9/10

looooove this song, gives me body chills when the drums kick in, love the deep ass voice, overall emo kid bop

Double Bass: 8/10

nice jam, I like listening to this when I do homework or art, relaxing

Rock The House: 8/10

legit makes me get up and dance, great rhythm, music video is beautiful

19/2000: 9/10

amazing bop, gets me pumped, iconic af, first gorillaz song i ever heard and first music video i ever saw, n o o d l e

Latin Simone: 7/10

I don’t speak spanish so i cant really sing along, love the feel of it, will listen on repeat, prefer the english version but im biased

Starshine: 6.5/10

idk I don’t really listen to this one, not a bad song i just wouldn’t play it on repeat or actively look for it, i do like the vocals

Slow Country: 8.5/10

love the feeling this song gives me, kinda like im just floating, super chill song to get high to, have never skipped this song, i like the lyrics

M1A1: 8/10

super fun song to sing along with, honestly the best song they couldve ever chosen to start a concert, he s c r e a m

OVERALL SCORE FOR SELF-TITLED: 7.5 (rounded up)

Demon Days

Last Living Souls: 9/10

absolute favourite song on the album, breakdown gives me chills, constantly changing it’s tune and i love it, the basssss <3

Kids With Guns: 6/10

I love singing the chorus, great song to have in the background, chill af

O Green World: 7.5/10

i love the instrumental of this one, vocals give me chills, kinda wish you could hear the singing more tho

Dirty Harry: 6.5/10

bopping beat, i love the rap part, overall not really the type of song i’d play on repeat but not bad

Feel Good Inc: 8/10

first and foremost the fucking bass of this song is the reason i’m learning bass, chorus gives me chills, kinda overused but i understand

El Manana: 6/10

kind of a meh song for me personally, not a bad one just not the greatest

Every Planet We Reach Is Dead: 9/10

banger, the reason im also learning guitar, vocals are on point, has made me cry before

November Has Come: 7/10

love the chorus, rap is kinda meh for me, i like the beat

All Alone: 5/10

not really a song i listen to, i like the bloopy noises

White Light: 4/10

I always skip this one tbh, better than man research but not by much

DARE: 6.5/10

this song haunts my dreams, its like the best kind of elevator music, on another note you fucking go noodle

Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey’s Head: 7.5/10

I WANNA BE A COWBOY BABY, narrative is really fucking good tho

Don’t Get Lost In Heaven: 8/10

beautiful, usually dont like gospel-esque music but i love this, gives me chills

Demon Days: 6.5/10

not my favourite tbh, meh for me

OVERALL SCORE FOR DEMON DAYS: 6.5 (rounded up)

Plastic Beach

Welcome to the World of the Plastic Beach: 7.5/10

i love snoop dogg, also this song gives me good vibes

White Flag: 5/10

ehhhh not a fan of this one, i usually skip it, i like the orchestra tho

Rhinestones Eyes: 8.5/10

i fucking love this song, great tune great vocals, i never skip it, i even got my boyfriend to start loving this song even tho he doesnt really like gorillaz

Stylo: 9/10

jesus this song, makes my heart hurt, i absoultely long singing along to this, his voiceeeee, bobby womack!

Superfast Jellyfish: 8.5/10

quirky af, i love de la soul in this one a lot, have never skipped this

Empire Ants: 9/10

so beautiful, has made me cry, both of their voices are so soft and lovely ugh

Glitter Freeze: 6/10

starts off strong but when it starts sounding like a drill i usually yeet out

Some Kind Of Nature: 8/10

used to be my favourite until i started listening to the album more, 2d’s part is so soulful omg

On Melancholy Hill: 8.5/10

so sad and amazing, music video is probably my favourite, is me and my best mate’s “song”

Broken: 9/10

ugh beautiful, i know all the words and always sing them loud af, has never skipped this song, honestly is everything

Sweepstakes: 5.5/10

not a big fan, i usually skip this one, not a horrible song just not for me

Plastic Beach: 7.5/10

love it, better at the beginning than the end, still a bop

To Binge: 10/10

WHEEEW BOY, i love this song, its so sad and amazing and gay jesus christ, the best thing murdoc has ever done

Cloud of Unknowing: 7/10

soulful and beautiful, again bobby womack!!

Pirate Jet: 7/10

i love the tune bc it gets me feeling ~spooky~, lyrics dont really make sense but thats okay

OVERALL SCORE FOR PLASTIC BEACH: 7.5 (rounded up)

The Fall

Phoner to Arizona: 8/10

gets me bopping and grooving, great music to play in the background while writing or doing art, my go to for when i draw or need background sound while I relax

Revolving Doors: 9.5/10

OOF, it so sad and it makes me feel things, i scream the lyrics errytime

Hillbilly Man: 10/10

fell in love with this the second I heard it, has been my favourite song of all time for over 2 years now, will never skip it in my life, i yearn to learn the guitar

Detroit: 6.5/10

generally a good happy bop, usually play it as background sound

Shy-Town: 6/10

nice to the ear, i don’t really like the prerecorded vocals of 2D but when Damon sung it live it sounds much better

Little Pink Plastic Bags: 8/10

i love it ugh, relaxing af, will never skip

The Joplin Spider: 9/10

big love for this song, its just soooo goooood

The Parish Of Space Dust: 7.5/10

big cowboy energy, sounds so sweet, 2D’s voice is unnnf

The Snake In Dallas: 7/10

good for when you wanna party but you’re depressed and can only stay in bed, love the little robotic sounds

Amarillo: 9.5/10

i meeeean what can i say, this song is so sad and gay and beautiful, ive cried while listening it this, will never skip

The Speak It Mountains: 7.5/10

this track is really weird and creepy and kind of not a song but i adore it anyway

Aspen Forest: 8/10

beautiful sounds, the piano is so soothing, will play this on repeat while i zone out

Bobby In Phoenix: 9/10

i wanna cry every single time i hear this bobby come back

California and the Slipping of the Sun: 7.5/10

this song so so pretty and i cry every time ugh, he sounds so fed up im sorry pretty boy

Seattle Yodel: ???

what

OVERALL SCORE FOR THE FALL: 8 (rounded down)

Humanz

Ascension: 8.5/10

absolute banger, i get pumped everytime this comes on, skys falling bb

Strobelite: 7.5/10

i used to hate this song but then the music video came out and i tried it again and now i love it dont @ me

Saturnz Barz: 9/10

theres so much i could say about this song ans the mv unf

Momentz: 9/10

banger, i dance like a maniac every time i hear it, will never skip

Submission: 8/10

gives me a good chance to work on high notes, makes my skin tingly

Charger: 8.5/10

2D’s voice is so griity and i can help myself

Andromeda: 8.5/10

I’ve never skipped this song, has made me cry, makes me dance

Busted And Blue: 9/10

has made me cry several times, vocals are everything, will never skip

Carnival: 7/10

is a bop, don’t really listen to it much anymore but it’s alright

Let Me Out: 8/10

i love it, one of my favourites to rap with

Sex Murder Party: 4/10

ehhh dont like this one, i always skip it

She’s My Collar: 8.5/10

i dont want to admit the things 2D’s voice in this makes me wanna do

Hallelujah Money: 7.5/10

hated this at first, grew to love, very soothing

We Got The Power: 9.5/10

gets me FUCKING PUMPED, we do got the power fuckers

OVERALL SCORE FOR HUMANZ: 8.5 (rounded down)

The Now Now

Humility: 8.5/10

summer bop, makes me wanna dance, have never skipped

Tranz: 9.5/10

i love singing along to this bc it makes me feel sexy oops, always screams the lyrics

Hollywood: 7/10

not a huge fan of this but ill listen to it, favourite part is the chorus, also snoop doggy dogg

Kansas: 9/10

oof this song makes me cry, i always scream this

Sorcererz: 7.5/10

ooo them vocals thooo, makes me relaxed

Idaho: 8.5/10

i love this song sm, one of my favourites of all time to sing, i wanna learn the guitar for this

Lake Zurich: 8/10

I love to listen to this while relaxing or writing, makes me wanna dance, COWBELL

Magic City: 8.5

always dancing to this, billboards on the moooon

Fireflies: 10/10

yall saw this coming, i always cry, its so somber, in close competition w HillBilly Man for my all time favourite

One Percent: 6.5/10

only song on the album i would skip and it isnt even that bad

Souk Eye: 10/10

its so gay and sad i love it sm

OVERALL SCORE FOR THE NOW NOW: 8.5 (rounded up)

So after months of me saying i’d rate the songs in order I finally did! Now keep in my the overall scores are averages, my personal rating for each album is:

Self-Titled: 8/10

Demon Days: 7/10

Plastic Beach: 8.5/10

The Fall: 8/10

Humanz: 7.5/10

The Now Now: 9/10

thanks for reading, i did this so i wouldn’t have to write an essay oops! <3

#my post #long post #like really long #this took me 2 hours #gorillaz #demon days #plastic beach #the fall #humanz #the now now #song analysis #album analysis

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kickdownthewalls · 6 years ago

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TOP 20 ROCK/METAL ALBUMS OF 2018

This has been a year of surprises and disappointments in pretty equal measure. Judas Priest blew me away with their latest record (and tour) and Immortal made one of the most triumphant comebacks in metal history. On the other hand, Voivod’s new one felt strangely by-the-numbers, as did the latest from Riot V and Monster Magnet. Still, the sheer amount of releases out there, just in the traditional metal and thrash scenes, is somewhat mind-boggling, and there were plenty of excellent albums to be found.

(Countries represented this year: Italy, UK, Sweden, Norway, Germany, USA, Canada, Switzerland, Portugal, and Denmark).

20. BURNING WITCHES - Hexenhammer

Switzerland is a tiny nation, but they have given the world some of the most creative and diverse bands over the years, from Krokus to Celtic Frost to Samael and beyond. Burning Witches combine elements of melodic thrash and classic heavy metal for a sound that works quite well and is perfectly suited to Seraina Telli’s powerful vocal delivery. The album has its ups and downs but the title track and “Open Your Mind” are both flat-out brilliant.

19. PERPETRATÖR - Altered Beast

This is how I like my thrash metal: fast, evil, dirty, but still well-played and composed. Perpetratör hail from Portugal and this is only their second full album, but it is a scorcher. Songs like “Extreme Barbarity” and “Terminal Possession” are brutally fast in the vein of the early Germans, but the band explore some more mid-tempo riffs here and there as well. Like all my favorite thrash bands, these guys sound like they are playing just on the edge of what they can get away with and the effect is electric.

18. ARTILLERY - The Face of Fear

These Danish thrashers are one of those bands that has always had consistently quality releases but, for whatever reason, never really made the impact others in the genre have over the years. While the line-up has changed over time, the current incarnation has done three albums together now and sounds quite comfortable here. The drum sound is a bit ‘bonky’ for my tastes, but the quality of the tunes rises above it. Bonus points for the variety of songs on offer, too, from speedy, complex thrash, to power ballads to straight-ahead heavy metal.

17. LUCIFER - II

Lucifer’s brand of retro doom rock is both obvious in its influences and original in its assembly of said influences. The jazzier side of early Sabbath is the most prevalent element at work here, with riffs that range from heavy and evil to mournful and atmospheric. Despite some line-up changes, the sound is pretty consistent with the excellent debut from 2015, with perhaps a bit more clarity in the production (though nowhere near polished-sounding, fear not).

16. WITCHING HOUR - ...And Silent Grief Shadows the Passing Moon

The number of excellent bands with ‘witch’ in their name is strangely high this year and Germany’s Witching Hour are another to add to that list. This is their third full-length and displays a great deal of maturity and talent for writing complex yet compelling songs. Elements of black and thrash metal abound, but there is a lot of other stuff going on here, too, and lots of melody. The bass playing is particularly impressive and really adds a whole extra dimension to the music, while the vocals are a potent mix of plaintive and grim and complement the dark, intricate songs beautifully. This was a late-year release and, given some more spins, it will likely rise on this list.

15. SATAN - Cruel Magic

It is rare that a band can pull together their classic line-up the way that Satan did in 2013, let alone one that can then proceed to release three albums back-to-back that fall right in line with their old material. Cruel Magic is the latest of these and has all the hallmarks that made Satan great: finely-crafted heavy metal that is speedy and complex, organic production, and an overall sound that is truly their own. They may have only caught the tail-end of the NWOBHM but damn if they weren’t one of the scene’s best and it is heart-warming to see and hear them continuing the legacy 35 years later.

14. ABYSMAL GRIEF - Blasphema Secta

Abysmal Grief are Italian doom masters that create a sound that is heavy, gothic, creepy, and relentless all at once. Most songs are in the 8-9 minute range and are usually centered around a few core riffs, but the way the band build them up and vary them throughout really pulls the listener in. Keyboards are used quite a bit and to great effect, while the vocals range from mournful to menacing. The band has kept a very consistent style since day one, with only the production getting a little better with each release, and Blasphema Secta sounds both heavier and cleaner than anything prior.

13. STRIKER - Play to Win

Been following these stalwart Canucks since their debut EP a decade ago and I’m glad to see that they have continued to evolve and refine their sound with each new album. Play to Win is probably the most ‘commercial’ release to date, with tons of melody and big choruses, but there is still plenty of heaviness on tracks like “Heart of Lies” and “Summoner” to keep a nice balance. Striker has gotten really good at writing distinctive songs that aren’t just a collection of riffs but actual, well-constructed tunes.

12. BULLET - Dust to Gold

This Swedish quintet has been bashing it out for 15+ years and still manages to release an invigorating collection of hard rockin’ metal tunes. Stylistically, Dust to Gold covers a fair amount of ground, from heavy metal in the vein of Accept and Grave Digger to more upbeat rockers ala Krokus and AC/DC. The common denominator throughout is a sense of fun that is missing from entirely too many albums these days.

11. LEATHER - II

Leather’s powerful voice was always the thing that raised Chastain from a good band to a great one and I’m pleased to report that she sounds just as good in 2018 as she did in 1988. The opening track “Juggernaut” is one of the best speed metal songs I have heard in a while and the rest of the album is consistently good, too. Shades of Dio and Priest color the wide range of tunes here and the band turn in some excellent, spirited performances. Glad to see Leather back on the scene and, as much as I enjoyed the Chastain reunion records, I think this one is even better.

10. HAUNT - Burst Into Flame

Although I enjoyed the first Haunt EP, the full-length debut really takes it up a notch. This is classic, old-school heavy metal that reminds me a bit of the first couple of Cauldron albums, with some wonderful dual-guitar work thrown in for good measure. The vocals are clean but remarkably restrained compared to some of the screamers out there, making for a nice change of pace. Songs “Reflectors” and “Burst Into Flame” have a haunting (ahem) timelessness to them and the album flows really well from start to finish.

9. THE NIGHT FLIGHT ORCHESTRA - Sometimes the World Ain't Enough

Despite featuring members of Soilwork and Arch Enemy, this is a long, long way from death metal, melodic or otherwise. Although the band’s first effort had a distinctly late-70s hard rock vibe to it, each record since has taken the listener deeper into the world of 80s AOR. Unlike a lot of the sterile, radio-friendly acts from that actual era, NFO bring a warmth and heartfelt approach that really brings the music alive. This is the band’s fourth album and probably their weakest, but it still stands well above the average album of 2018. Songs like “Turn To Miami” and “Pretty Thing Closing In” are immediate, timeless classics.

8. THE CROWN - Cobra Speed Venom

Although Deathrace King is still one of my top 5 death metal records of all time, The Crown never really were able to duplicate its genius. Cobra Speed Venom, however, comes damn close. It has all the brutality that the band is known for but brings back a lot of the punky/thrash energy and memorable riffs that have been missing for a while. The first three songs might be the best start to any album this year; just relentless, mayhemic brilliance. Top it off with one of the coolest and most original album covers I’ve seen in a while, along with three bonus tracks that are actually worth adding, and you have one hell of a return to form.

7. SAXON - Thunderbolt

Saxon certainly made some missteps in the late 80s, but I can’t think of another band that has remained as true to form over the years, while also consistently putting out quality albums and touring relentlessly. Thunderbolt is no Wheels of Steel or even Call To Arms, but it is still a solid record that is as good or better than the last couple. From the melodic timelessness of “The Secret of Flight” to the moody “Nosferatu (The Vampire’s Waltz)” to the raging “They Played Rock and Roll,” there is also a diversity rivaled only by Priest on this list.

6. BLACK OATH - Behold the Abyss

When it comes to true, epic, soul-crushing doom metal, Black Oath have become true masters. I have been following this band since the Portrait of the Dead single back in 2010 and am pleased to say they just keep going from strength to strength. Behold the Abyss balances a lush production, clean vocals, and plenty of melody, with dreadnought riffage and blissfully dark, esoteric lyrics. A rich, dynamic work of black art.

5. SIGN OF THE JACKAL - Breaking the Spell

This amazing Italian band has created a style that is equal parts early 80s Warlock and late 80s Judas Priest. Great, driving metal tunes that sometimes border on speed metal with plenty of screaming solos and hooky choruses. The recording, the mix, the energy, everything about this record is incredibly old-school and authentic, right down to the 32-minute running time.

4. AUDREY HORNE - Blackout

Ever since these Norwegian rockers abandoned all pretense and went full-on retro with their Youngblood album, I have been hooked. They compose hard-hitting rock tunes with tons of hooks and Lizzy-esque harmonies that give a nod to metal and punk without really being either. The first three songs - “This is War,” “Audrevolution,” and “Blackout” - are all perfectly built and give a great cross-section of the band’s diverse sound. Toschie’s vocals are as unique as his fashion sense and, as much as I loved the last two records, I think this one may be their best yet.

3. BRAINSTORM - Midnight Ghost

Brainstorm has long since perfected their style (as far back as Soul Temptation, some fifteen years ago), and each new release is really just varying levels of execution. As good as Scary Creatures was a couple years back, Midnight Ghost is truly brilliant and may possibly take the title as my favorite Brainstorm outing. All of the usual plusses are in place - great production, top-notch musicianship, catchy tunes - but the songs themselves are just a tad bit more finely honed and memorable. “Ravenous Minds” and “When Pain Becomes Real” in particular are killer and there is nary a dull moment here.

2. IMMORTAL - Northern Chaos Gods

My first Immortal record was At the Heart of Winter and it is still my favorite black metal album, hands down. The combination of raw, icy riffs with the mind-blowing drumming and just enough melody to keep it all together was/is intoxicating. Immortal has never done a bad album, but some are definitely better than others and Northern Chaos Gods is one of the best ones. The ferocity is up there with Pure Holocaust and Demonaz’s vocals, while not quite as distinctive as Abbath’s, fit the music perfectly. The band wisely took their time to put this record together and the results speak for themselves.

1. JUDAS PRIEST - Firepower

Priest has been one of my favorite metal bands since I first got into them back in ’82 and they are still right up there with Sabbath, Accept, and Mercyful Fate, with a catalog that is as diverse as it is brilliant. After the disappointing Nostradamus and good-but-not-great Redeemer of Souls, it was a real pleasure to hear Firepower, a true, all-guns-blazing Priest record. The production is 1000% better than anything they have released in the last two decades and the material is both diverse and top-notch. Songs like “Firepower,” “Never the Heroes,” “Children of the Sun,” and “No Surrender” have such a classic sound to them and Rob has not sounded this good since Painkiller. Even the weakest tracks (“Lone Wolf” and “Sea of Red”) have grown on me a bit, so I am confident that Firepower will go down in history as one of the band’s crowning achievements.

I must also mention some very impressive EPs, demos, and singles that were released this year, namely those from CIRITH UNGOL, ROUGH SPELLS, ÜLTRA RAPTÖR, PULVER, SIGNIFICANT POINT, TENTATION, ANCIENT SÉANCE, SABÏRE, and OCCULT BURIAL. If you aren’t familiar with any of these bands or haven’t heard their latest, I highly recommend getting acquainted immediately.

As usual, my list could have gone on much longer, but here are the bands that just missed the top 20: AMORPHIS, AURA NOIR, BEHEMOTH, BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB, BLACK VIPER, BLADE KILLER, CAULDRON, DIMMU BORGIR, DREAM CHILD, GOAT WORSHIP, GRAHAM BONNETT BAND, IRON ANGEL, KHEMMIS, KRISIUN, NIGHT VIPER, PRIMAL FEAR, PROFESSOR BLACK, RIOT V, SABOTER, SKULL FIST, SUBSTRATUM, TAD MOROSE, VISIONS OF ATLANTIS, VULCAIN, WHITE WIZZARD, WITCHFYRE, and WYTCH HAZEL.

What is on the horizon for 2019? Well, I am already psyched about the new ones from CANDLEMASS, DELAIN, ROCK GODDESS, FLOTSAM & JETSAM, CHAINBREAKER, SOILWORK, WITHIN TEMPTATION, MORTAL SCEPTER, HAMMERFALL, and TYTUS, plus possible releases from SACRED REICH, DEATH ANGEL, and EXCITER all have me really looking forward to the coming twelve months. The world is crumbling around us, but at least the metal scene is stronger than ever!

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