#Originally i thought about what to write but struggled to put it on doc

[thegingerwrites]

I've been writing quite a bit lately including making some progress on the results of this poll from the beginning of the year at least until I found an idea to obsess over which i have

The current fic I'm really into writing started out as like an outlet for my id (which is, coincidentally, how short cycle started too) I just wanted like a scrap doc to put my horniest thoughts in and it has evolved into something even more fun than i originally thought.

It's a sort of post-rots, no order 66, palpatine is dead, the galaxy is saved, anakin leaves the order to be with padme and the twins au. Obi-Wan and Anakin haven't seen each other in 4 years. I love getting to wrestle with Obi-Wan's pov in this scene where he is, in his mind justifiably, kind of a bitch

And because I feel like I haven't been around lately, here's an extended snippet:

“What are you doing here?” Obi-Wan asks. He doesn’t bother to wonder how Anakin got in. So many things that should be unlikely or impossible are child’s play to Anakin. If enough desire is there, nothing can stand in his way. Obi-Wan knows him well enough by now to know that the question to ask is not how but why.

Anakin looks at him, all of him. He rocks forward on the balls of his feet like he wants to step inside Obi-Wan’s quarters but Obi-Wan doesn’t move an inch. It’s not like Anakin can sneak past him without a struggle if Obi-Wan decides not to let him in. “I had to see you again.”

“And so you have.”

“I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately and seeing you today felt like a sign.”

Always so dramatic. “Today was a coincidence, nothing more.”

“There is no such thing as a coincidence when it comes to the Force.”

Obi-Wan tilts his head, the expression on his face veering towards amusement so that it doesn’t flirt with anger. “You sound awfully like a Jedi for a civilian.”

“Obi-Wan—” Anakin begins and for all that Obi-Wan is dying to hear where Anakin is going to go with this, Anakin doesn’t seem to have the words.

He lets Anakin struggle and fall. Keeping his face placid and still is a challenge, so he overcompensates and feigns a small, amused smile. It’s a cruel little thing but Obi-Wan doesn’t have it in himself to be gentle with Anakin. Not after all this time.

“What?” he asks, when he’s finally had enough. “You came all this way but have nothing to say to me?”

“I don’t know where to begin—Obi-Wan, can I please come inside?”

“We could start right where we left off today, couldn’t we? Exchange pleasantries?” Obi-Wan keeps his voice light and manages to hold his tongue through iron self-control. He desperately wants to pile other questions on top of those. How have you been since you decided to leave the only life you’ve ever known? How have I been since you left without a word?

Anakin scoffs. “What, you want to talk about the weather? I don’t think we’ve exchanged pleasantries in the entire time I’ve known you.”

Because that is what strangers do and they have never been strangers to each other but they might be strangers now. Anakin has made certain of that. “What do you suggest we do then? I’m still waiting to hear what brought you to my door.”

“I’d like to come inside before someone comes to investigate a shouting match in the hall.”

Obi-Wan puts on a look of innocence and peers to the left and right down the hall. “A shouting match? I haven’t heard anything of the sort but I’ll be sure to keep an ear out. Kit does like to leave the volume on his holoprograms rather loud.”

This is fun, Obi-Wan realizes. For all of his nerves, for all of the rattling sense of inevitability, he hadn’t anticipated enjoying himself trying to goad and skewer Anakin. But he does have to be careful not to push Anakin too far. He can’t risk the man storming off now that Obi-Wan has the upper hand.

“Come in, then.” Obi-Wan steps back to let Anakin past him.

“Thank you,” Anakin murmurs. Obi-Wan tries hard to find the note of sarcasm that must be hiding there but he must not have the ear for it anymore.

He takes a minute to stand back and watch Anakin in the middle of his apartment. He blinks and tries to will away the shock of it. Remind himself that Anakin is real and tangible. He won’t vanish like a ghost or a dream. Obi-Wan tries to put himself in Anakin’s shoes, see his apartment from his point of view. It isn’t as though much has changed since he left. Obi-Wan has never had very many possessions. A throw blanket on the couch, a new mug by the sink, a succulent drying out on the windowsill. He can’t get a read on what Anakin makes of it, the same but different, but Obi-Wan doesn’t much care what Anakin thinks. He isn’t ashamed of how he has led his life, the code he has always tried his best to stick to.

“Shall I put on some water for tea?” asks Obi-Wan, ready to keep pretending that Anakin is just some other house guest for as long as it gets under Anakin’s skin.

Anakin gives him a look. It’s far too familiar and something in Obi-Wan aches at the sight of it. The feeling vanishes in an instant, replaced by a kind of disgust in himself for his weakness that is far more comfortable.

Then Anakin seems to come to a decision. He moves to the kitchen cabinets with a purpose. He opens the one over the sink and lifts up onto his toes to grab—ah, yes. There is a bottle of Corellian brandy Obi-Wan once confiscated from Anakin as a padawan. He came back to their rooms dizzy, drunk, and babbling after a night out somewhere in the temple with some of the other padawans, not more than fourteen years old. At the time, Obi-Wan told him they would share it one day when he was older, when he was an adult and could handle his alcohol better. Then it became something of a joke that no, even when Anakin was nineteen, twenty-one, twenty-three, he still wasn’t quite ready yet.

Patience, my very young padawan. Some things get better with age.

Obi-Wan doesn’t go into that cabinet very often. He’d mostly forgotten that bottle was there.

[galwithalibrarycard]

OUAT Pilot rewatch liveblog

- Okay, so this show started airing when I was about to turn 17, and I have not watched the pilot episode since the first time I saw it. I am now older than Emma Swan. This fact is already fucking me all the way up.

- This episode is way better than it has any right to be. I’m remembering how it’s similar to literary adaptation webseries in that seeing how the stories are adapted and spotting all the little references to the original stories is such a huge part of the fun for me.

- Remember the days of guessing who the citizens of Storybrooke’s fairy tale counterparts would be before the reveals? Remember the Doctor Whale reveal? That was the good shit. I almost wish they hadn’t just told us that Archie was Jiminy Cricket. I wonder how long that would’ve taken us to guess.

- Emma seemed like such an adult to me at 17. And she WAS an adult, but now I’m like, no wonder she was a mess. She was only 28 and alone in the world. Poor thing.

- Henry is adorable.

- I still hate Rumplestiltskin so much. I cannot un-hate him. I hate season one Rumplestiltskin for season six Rumplestiltskin’s behavior and I can’t help it. Boo, hiss.

- Regina/Evil Queen though. No wonder everybody in the fandom loved her on sight. She is serving (and credit to Black queer people et al. for that phrase).

- I hope there has been at least one Evil Queen-inspired drag artist in the world since OUAT. It just feels right. Because the costumes are so awesome and would be so fun to put a drag spin on.

- “Good can’t just lose!” *heavy sigh* God, I forgot how unbelievably annoying the intense literalizing of fairy tale morality in this show was. I can feel the ghost of waves upon waves of my past annoyance with this show washing over me. Let your characters be shades of gray, if everyone is either good or evil then you have written a cartoon. The writers would never learn this.

- The politics of adoption in this show though. What must it be like to watch it as an adoptee? A birth mother? An adoptive mother? I’m sure people from all those experiences have written essays. I will do some googling.

- Did anyone ever write the fanfic AU where Snow goes through the wardrobe before giving birth and gets to raise Emma in the non-magic world and keep her memories? I’d read that.

- Or the AU where none of them go through the wardrobe and Emma ends up growing up with her parents in Storybrooke. Except then if time is frozen she’d be a permanent baby and couldn’t break the curse. Maybe she could be the only one who grows in the town instead of Henry somehow?

- It is unreasonably funny and delightful to me that Snow and Charming’s Knights of the Round Table, as it were, are Gepetto, small child Pinocchio, Granny, Red, and several dwarves. And that most of those people are genuinely fearsome when it comes down to it. Hell yeah.

- Regina offering Emma apple cider and I can hear my teenage self yelling at the TV “No, Emma, it’s probably poisoned!” Lol

- That being said, i understand why the reaction to Regina and Emma was immediately “let’s ship them.” They are both extremely hot and the tension is crackling.

- Grumpy/Leroy whistling the tune of Whistle While You Work, menacingly, in his cell in Storybrooke jail, lol

- did we ever find out who the wolf who ran in front of Emma’s car was? Was it Ruby?

- Also, Emma passed out from that car wreck and they took her to jail rather than the hospital? How does that make sense?

- oh, Snow gave Henry the book! Where did Snow get it?

- Doc the dwarf being the doctor at Emma’s birth is almost too on the nose, omg

- Mary Margaret talking about adopted kids struggling with the question of why their birth parents gave them up, and then Snow answering her question in the next scene. “We have to give her her best chance.”

- I wonder if Ginnifer and Josh thought about this birth scene when their first son was born and experienced a moment of relief that they didn’t have to put him through a magic wardrobe. I feel like I would’ve thought about that if it was me. I mean this question in a completely non-parasocial way.

- Oh I forgot that Charming sword fights while holding his newborn (yikes) and that he gets stabbed and that’s why David’s in a coma in Storybrooke!

- Henry’s castle, awww.

- The clock is still stopped. The horror show of Henry being the only person in town who ages, damn. Does he ever go to the park and bump into the three-year-olds he played with when he was three, except they’re still three and he’s ten? (I think it’s Haley Whipjack who has a great bit about this in their OUAT season one video.)

- How much pain Emma feels about her parents abandoning her, and how tempting it must be for a moment to believe her parents wanted her- and then it turns out to be true. Wow.

- Regina: “because this is my happy ending”

Regina under the curse in Storybrooke: still miserable AF

- the curse hitting like glass shattering around Regina and Snow is a very cool shot

- Regina’s position of “leave my kid alone” would be totally understandable if it didn’t come with so much judgement of Emma for putting him up for adoption in the first place. Her position is still understandable, tbh.

- It’s still so smart that they Uno Reversed the Snow White story and made Charming the one asleep in Storybrooke.

- Goddddd the way I actually feel like Mr Gold/Rumple has potential and I want to see more of him by the end of this episode. Even though I already know I hate his ass and what they end up doing with him.

- And the ending with Emma staying, the clock moving, and Henry smiling! I want to know more! This story has so much potential! (And it will fail utterly at living up to that potential!) Pain. Just pain.

- I solemnly swear that this rewatch will only go up to season three at the furthest. I refuse to hate-watch the back two-thirds of this show’s run again. This was fun, I want to keep it that way!

[mystxmomo]

can you…write…kevgar… again.. please…

im not asking for a 100k words, 100 is enough for me.. please…

😭💔😭☹️☹️🥺😭😭💔😭eyyeus eueue 😭💔🥺🥺

Okay so like. I do actually want to come back and write something once this event wraps up, because I'm genuinely kind of baffled at how much we're being... like given? It's sparking some ideas. No promises on it though because I need to write being carried by the muses and the tides.

Edit: Also this art at the bottom is REALLY cute I forgot to mention it at first. Thank you for. Letting me see them....

Anyway. I can do you one better than 100 words. Back in like. 2022, I was working on a massive Hanahaki Kevgar AU. I ended up dropping it because I explored what I was interested in with "As the pieces fall into place" (Aka erectile dysfunction au) and was pretty happy with what I had + I think I used chunks of this dialog in that fic (So if some of that looks familiar thats why). However, I also had like. A REALLY NOT INSIGNIFICANT part of this fic written?

Thought it would sit around and collect dust forever in my docs, but you and I both know how sad the state of the Kevgar tag is in. Here's what I had of it put together. Again, I can't stress enough. This is unfinished. But it's also uhhh. Almost 5k words of unfinished? So hopefully some of it still scratches at your brain, even if it's just a draft.

"Original Authors note: 

Hello there main friend group, extended twitter friendgroup, and three random strangers in my puter that this pairing will appeal to, I hope this fic finds you well.

Basically, I saw a tumblr post maybe a year or two back that talked about the idea of Hanahaki not as a lethal disease, but instead a chronic one. The idea that it’s a manifestation of your emotions, and your emotions aren’t going to kill you, but by damn they’re gonna be a bitch to deal with. Especially if you keep shoving them down in a little box and avoiding them. 

Basically the flowers are a metaphor. It takes away from the tragedy but adds an angle of nuance that I as a writer find personally enjoyable to navigate and play with.

AND I thought to myself. Man you know who would be fun for that? Gay Kevin."

===================

Edgar Valden is real pretty, is the main thing.

Frustratingly so. Men, let alone men with personalities as rotten and cruel as Valden’s shouldn’t be allowed to be as pretty as he is. 

But he is, and it’s an issue. 

He’s also. Ah… Small. Frail enough to tug at Kevin’s heart strings in a way he’s not entirely comfortable with. He catches himself thinking about that mid-match, Edgar dizzy enough from a recent hit not to fight being carted around on his shoulder. A head smaller than Kevin, and lighter than some of the ladies, Edgar is easy on his arm and warm against his shoulder.

The first time he realizes it, the illusion is immediately ruined by Edgar catching his barings, and begins to kick and struggle out of his hold and cuss him clean. But a sickly, uncomfortable feeling settles in his stomach, and eventually even the most private of Kevin’s thoughts always have a funny way of haunting him. It’s easy to hate him when he’s standing in front of you, sneering and glaring like the bullheaded swine he is. But out on their game field, when the adrenaline runs so heavy his blood goes cold, and Edgar is flying around the field with the same amount of speed and dedication that he takes to his art, it becomes harder to separate pretty from fragile. And late into the night, when Kevin’s thoughts have a tendency to haunt him the most, there’s no escaping it. He prefers it to the guilt that plagues the back of his mind at those hours, but it sits at the pit of his stomach with the same amount of discomfort and nausea as that guilt does. And that guilt, inevitably, turns to rage.

And rage always comes back to frustration. 

When he starts hacking up petals and blood, he doesn’t think it’s Valden. He doesn’t think it’s anyone, really. 

//

Emily tells him that it’s called Hanahaki.

“I’m surprised you’ve never encountered it before,” She says, as a general musing.

“I’ve heard of things like it,” He says, “You tend to hear a lot of rumors n’ stories while travelin’ around. You can’t take everything at face value, y’know? Thought it was closer to tall-tales.”

She nods, her brows furrowing together. She tends to get like that when she’s deep in thought. Sort of snappy, and certainly less patient. But she hasn’t gotten to the point that she gets after they finish their matches, running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Instead, it’s quiet pacing.

“Our body has an odd way of reacting to…” She tilts her head, carefully considers her words before she says them. She’s smart like that, “Emotions. Stress. Eventually, it manifests itself physically,” She gives him a concerned look, “Has there been any changes in your life?”

He gives her a weird look. Permanent state of stasis they seemed to be trapped in, their changes were rare and minimal. He had less games these days then when he’d started here, and most of the new personalities at the manor were a respectable sort. To his silence, she almost rolls her eyes. Almost. She’s professional enough not to.

“Ayuso, it could be anything. Have the games been worse recently?” He gives her a stranger look for that one, and she tuts, runs her hands back through her hair and messes up her otherwise pristine looking bun, “Honestly, I’m surprised we haven’t gotten a case of it in the manor sooner. Maybe because of how isolated we are..?” She considers it in silence, and Kevin thinks it would be wrong to interrupt her. But then she’s turning to look at him, “Can I see those petals again?”

Raising a brow, he takes out the handkerchief he’d collected them in. It’s from a personal favorite outfit of his, and at first he’s not actually sure what she’s looking for. Because she brushes the petals off to the side, and raises the cloth to the light, and what she says next concerns him more than anything else about the conversation has, “It’s an abnormal amount of blood for such a minor case,” She mutters, stares, “You did come to me immediately, right?”

He huffs laughter. His throat hurts, “‘Course, course. I didn’t see petals and think it was normal.”

She glares, “Don’t get smart with me, Ayuso. I swear, some of these people could come down with consumption and avoid me for it…” She sighs, and her shoulders fall, “Is it growing thorns…?” 

“Is that possible?” He asks, and feels somewhat foolish for doing so. Of course it is. She wouldn’t have mentioned it if it hadn’t been.

“It’s not unheard of,” She says, and steps forward to hand him the handkerchief back. When she looks over at him again, it’s with a certain amount of sympathy he rarely sees on her face, “You should be fine, but…I won’t say it will be pleasant.”

He chuckles, and it comes across as weak and forced, “Ms. Dyer, I may be something of a foolish man, but I don’t think anyone is foolish enough think flowers in your throat are a’pleasant experience.”

She rolls her eyes at him, “Let me see what medicine I can find. I might be able to kill a few of them off for you…”

//

He doesn’t want to acknowledge his unfortunate reality, but the first time he vomits up fist fulls of flowers, he’s in a match with Valen

It’s not a good match. Emily goes down fast. Kevin doesn’t have time to get across the map. Mike tries to pull off a rescue, but Michiko is faster than he is, and a bit more clever to boot. Edgar manages to pull something off with those paintings of his, but Kevin’s never been any good with the technology in the manor, and by the time Emily’s out of the game they barley have two ciphers done.

With Michiko distracted by Mike, it gives him the chance to slip away with Edgar. He knows Edgar took a bad hit, because he stays limp over his shoulder rather than attempt to fight and squirm against him.

(He’s warm, something whispers in Kevin’s ear.)

“There you are,” Kevin draws, and drops him on the ground with no amount of care or subtlety. Edgar stumbles back a few steps, attempting to blink away the lightheadedness that comes with these matches.

“... Thanks,” Edgar says, quietly, and brushes himself off at the knees. Though he’s doing well to hide it, he has an embarrassed blush on his face, and he needs to lean back against the crumbling wall to keep his balance. 

Kevin reaches out to steady him a bit better, and Edgar shoots him a look that could kill. 

“Go decode, I’ll catch my breath and find a way to distract her again,” Edgar turns to give him an odd sort of look, the normal irritation that shadows over his face mending away to something else entirely. Though what it is, he’s unsure, “We can probably still save this if I…” He’s trailing off, a distant, manic look to his eye as he does. It answers none of Kevin’s questions, and only increases his concern, and when Edgar kneels on the ground it’s to fuss with something in his hand.

He’d not noticed it before, but the painter already has a syringe in his hand. He must have scavenged the supplies from Dyer's chair, because he’s already trying to find a vein with shaking, cold-nipped looking fingers.

And like a pendulum swinging back and forth, his irritation washes back to sympathy. And with that sympathy comes guilt, and nausea. 

Kevin steps forward, and grabs his arm for him. Edgar immediately tries to pull away, but Kevin is stronger than him, and it only takes tightening his grip to get Edgar to still. Edgar squirms under his touch, and something in Kevin’s head equates him to being no different than one of those squeaking barn kittens that didn’t know threats from friends and so they yelled and hissed at anything that grabbed ‘em.

“Hold still,” he says, his voice strained, and Edgar does glare at him this time, “Save the supplies. Y’might need it later.”

Edgar lets him. Patch him up. He can’t argue with strategy, and their playing field is the uncomfortable equalizer. To Kevin’s discomfort, Edgar spends the entire time staring at him with this ugly, uncanny look.

…

“You’re hurt,” Edgar says, suddenly, and reaches out to grab Kevin’s face. Edgar’s hands are soft, and but his touch is not. His thumb brushes against his mouth, and he’s surprised to find that it comes back with blood. He doesn’t remember tasting it. Maybe he’s already so used to it, that he’d just not noticed it, “When did you take a hit?”

A smarter man would be able to come up with an excuse on the spot. It’s not unusual, afterall, to end the match covered in your teammates blood. Especially ones that run as poorly as there’s. Especially with Kevin’s position being as it is.

Kevin is not a smart man. He’s dull, and a coward.

“I’m fine,” He snaps, and pulls back from Edgar. Feeling suddenly quite defensive, he feels his lips curl up in defiance. It’s all show, really. Because underneath it, he can’t deny the sudden surge of nerves and panic and fear. He’s never been any different or any smarter than a cornered animal, but most men in his position aren’t.

 Edgar’s hand lingers in the air, fingers oddly delicate despite the blood. And Edgar stares at him. He stares at him for a long time, his eyes distant and hollow and cold, “Okay,” He says, and his tone is odd when he says it. Like Edgar doesn’t entirely believe him. And when Kevin thinks he’s going to leave it at that, he clarifies with, “Okay. You don’t have to tell me. Whatever. Just- Go decode. Maybe I can still save this for us, you useless asshole…” 

And Edgar trails off, stares at the spot of the snow where his own blood has dripped on the snow. 

There’s no fight left in him after that. There should be. This is the part where Kevin normally feels anger and discomfort at the mans provocation, where they ruin their match and draw the hunters ire. It’s normally the part where irritation takes over sensability.

Instead, Kevin stumbles away feeling nauseous. He doesn’t decode. Decoding would be the smart thing to do, and he is not a smart man. A cold sweat crawls over his skin, and he’s shaking hard enough that he’s having trouble staying upright. He feels it, in his throat and in his gut. Something cutting into his flesh, like the way a cats claws would dig into skin.

He makes it behind shack, before he needs to stop and stable his weight on the wall.

It’s petals and blood mix on the ground in a ugly red soup, chunky and red with rotting petals and cuts of flesh. He wheezes in an attempt to catch his breath, but he finds himself dizzy for it. Eventually, he needs to kneel on the ground and rest his head against the wall, unable to keep his eyes open without risking another fit. The cold weather of Leo’s is as much of a sting as it is a comfort on his throat and skin. And just when he thinks he’s settled his head, he lurches again, the cycle repeating all over.

He doesn’t realize the blood rushing in his ear is the hunter until he feels her cold hand on his back.

“Oh dear..” Michiko says, and her voice is soft on his ear, “This is where you’ve been hiding.”

Michiko is a sweet sort of lady. She doesn’t take the chance to knock him out over it. Instead, she lingers behind him and ushers him in the direction the dungeon must be, stopping him from falling over himself twice in the process

He’d not realized she’d found Edgar. She must have. By the time she guides him over to the dungeon, it’s already open, the wind blowing out of it. He drops into the dungeon without as much as a tip of his hat, and there's this cold, empty feeling that sits in the bottom of his stomach.

Valden was going to kill him.

// Editors note: These next sections are unfinished, but I still give everything I had for you. Anything that has a "...." Around it was supposed to have more of a lead in.

Edgar doesn’t kill him.

But also Edgar doesn’t talk to him for a while, after that.

He doesn’t talk to him. He expects a fight out of it, but he stumbles into the room so pale and dizzy that it draws the concern of Emily immediately. 

[Edgar picks a fight with Emily because he's confused and irritated]

“Come on now Valden, don’t give her a hard time ‘cause you’re in a shitty mood,” He steps in between them, and Edgar snarls at him.

“Don't fucking touch me,"

...

Something clicks into place in Emily’s gaze, something Kevin barely catches himself. She looks at the two of them. Opens her mouth to say something. A scolding, maybe.

Then closes it, her eyebrows furrowing.

//

The first time he coughs up a stem, he cuts up his throat so badly he can’t talk.

Perhap's its for the best. He feels uncharacteristically irritable about the whole thing, as the rose thorns hook into his throat and restrict his breath.....

“Ayuso…?” Edgar calls out, and he sounds surprisingly… small. It pisses him off. 

“Just-” Kevin draws in a long breath, holding his head in his hands, 

Edgar lingers in the doorway for a few seconds, blinking dully. He looks away, “I was going to ask if you’re alright.” He says, sounding short with him. “I thought….” He trails off, stares at him for a long time. His gaze burns into Kevin’s skin

“Nevermind,” Edgar grumbles, and pushes past him. It’s with a harsh shove, and some smarter part of Kevin thinks he might deserve it. But some ugly, more stubborn part of him only makes him angrier. 

//

....

“Of course I know what hanahaki is,” Edgar says, and the door closes with more force the necessary, “The droll hopeless romantics in the arts don’t know how to shut up about it.”

“You don’t hate me?” Kevin’s heart swells.

“Why would I hate you?” Edgar wrinkles his nose at him, “You’re annoying, and I wish you’d learn how to shut the hell up. But thats really not different than any of the other dumbasses that populate this manor."

Unsure of whether or not to be relieved or to scold the man, Kevin laughs. He feels light headed.

“Want to hear somethin’ funny?” Kevin doesn't wait for a reply, “I don’t…. think I hate you.”

Edgar takes a moment to process that. Then laughs at him. Loudly, and full body. It’s sharp on his ear, and as ugly as it is pretty. Perfect, for a man like Valden, “That's what you’re so worked up about?” He asks, and steps forward to look him over. 

“You’re fuckin’-”

“You’re throwing around children's insults and throwing up flower petals over the fact you might not hate me. Ayuso that’s- Ridiculous. Tell me you see how ridiculous that is,” He says, and his smile is hidden behind his hand. Kevin feels ill looking at it. Because even when he’s mocking him, that smile causes his stomach to turn and nerves to creep under his skin. 

(His smile is, while at first perplexed, otherwise sincere. It’s something rare to see on the man.)

And he- he doesn’t understand. Edgar doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand what this means for Kevin, he doesn’t understand the severity of that acknowledgement. 

Kevin barely understands what this means for himself. 

Kevin lunges forward and grabs him by the shirt. He kisses him.

Edgar looks startled. At first, he panics, and Kevin has acute awareness of the way his hand grabs at his shirt and wrist. He doesn’t pull away

But eventually, he calms as Kevin does. His hand moves from his chest to his jaw, cupping his cheek like it actually means something to him. His hands are soft, and Kevin’s are not. Kevin’s lips are chapped, and Edgar’s are sweet. It causes guilt and disgust to rest in his gut all the same, and instead of rage, it just sinks and sits there. 

When he pulls away, Edgar is giving him a distant, careful look. 

Kevin stares at him with exhaustion, pale in the face and ill in the stomach.

“Oh. You taste like blood. Come here.” Edgar says, and his hand lingers on top of Kevin’s wrist, on his cheek, thumb against the corner of his lip,

Edgar kisses him again. It doesn’t help, but Kevin still indulges in it like it does.

...

When Kevin breaks away, he’s shaking.

Guilt. Disgust. Anger. Discomfort. There are butterflies in his stomach, like the first time [his lady I forgot her name] grabbed his hand and smiled at him.

Fuck.

He pulls away, and he vomits.

Edgar is quiet this time. There’s no mockery, and no cruelty. He watches him with a blank expression on his face, hand drifting like he's unsure whether or not he wants to touch him again. Then, he kneels down next to him. A warm body against his side, a soft hand on his back, rubbing right up between his shoulder blades.

“Hey,” Edgar says, “Go to bed, Ayuso. We can talk later.”

His eyes burn.

Edgar helps him over into bed, and sits on the edge of it until he falls asleep. 

They don’t talk about it.

//

He tries to talk to Patricia about it.

“Mother once told me that love was something you chose to do. People think they fall in love. And maybe there’s some honesty to that. But love is conditional. It’s as much of a choice as cruelty,” Patricia says. She looks toward him, frowns, “But I will admit. You seem to have been born strictly to challenge that idea.”

Kevin can’t help himself. A smile hesitantly pulls onto his lips, and he says, “Y’think?”

“That’s not a compliment. Moron,” Her tongue clicks against her teeth, but her eyes soften on him.

“I don’t know. It sort of sounded like one.”

...

"Listen, Kevin. And I am begging you to listen closely. Because I'm going to tell you something I wish, more then anything, someone had told me," She struts forward, placing her hands on either side of his cheek. The touch is gentle, but firm, guiding his gaze to hers. She has to gaze up at him to look him in the eye, but when that meets, hers narrows on his with an almost predatory look.

But then it falls. Her lips twitch down, and her hands fall, "It's okay."

He laughs, "That's it?"

She considers her next words carefully. Instead of snapping back at him, there's a patient, creeping look to her eye, "It's okay that you're uncomfortable with this."

And his blood runs cold.

Something must change about his expression, then. Because she sways forward again, closer than before. She swallows, slow and collected, "It's okay to feel disgusted with yourself, and it's okay to feel guilty. That's outside of your control. I need you to think about that, because I know you don't understand it. What you're feeling now is- it's fine. It's just... Fine. But if you sit there and let it eat you alive then you're better off dead."

....

He coughs.

And coughs again, . He’s struck with a sudden wave of exhaustion.

He ... Sits down. He feels winded.

He holds his head in his hands.

"I don't think this was ever about Valden," He says, and his hand scratches at his throat.

"Maybe not," Patricia shrugs, "Maybe it was. You'll have to be the one to figure that out.”

//

He extends an olive branch.

"Do you wanna come drinkin' with me tonight," Kevin asks, and he holds back a grimace as he asks. 

Edgar looks at him weirdly, "Not really," He says, too fast for Kevin's heart to handle. But then he continues. Not in any consideration of Kevin’s immediate heartbreak, but because he muses outloud to himself more than he doesn’t, "It gets too loud in Demi's bar. That room is too damn small sometimes. That doesn't sound even remotely relaxing."

Kevin pauses.

"It can just be us," he offers, and takes a small step forward, "I ain't exactly picky about where I drink. If the bar is too loud I can come on up to your room, or you can come up to mine."

"..." Edgar turns to look at him, and his gaze glimmers with a curious interest, "Why don't you come by my studio tonight with some wine."

For a minute, the guilt in his heart is replaced by those soft, lovely butterflies that scatter and crawl about. 

“Alright.”

//

....

“Oh, it’s you,” Edgar wipes away the paint off his arms, and nods him into the room. Kevin offers him a suspicious, quiet look, but steps forward.

“Hurt my heart, Valden. Soundin’ so disappointed I showed up.”

“I didn’t actually think you would,” Edgar says, like an admittance, “Sit down.”

Kevin does.

“I hope you don’t mind if I paint you while we drink,” Edgar says, pouring the wine Kevin brought into two cups. And Kevin - he grunts.

“Now I didn’t exactly remember that bein’ part of the deal.”

“Sucks.”

Edgar extends the cup out for him to take. Kevin does. Their fingers brush, and Kevin’s entire arm buzz with the nerves that come from it.

Edgar works in silence, for the most part. It’s awkward, and uncomfortable. Kevin falls into sharp coughing fits, and Edgar without fail will wrinkle his nose at him, come on over, and wordlessly tilt his head back to the position he wants him in. His touches are soft, and careful. Calculated in a way that Kevin doesn’t often see on him. The wine aside, Edgar has tea prepared for him, which surprises him. Given that Kevin arrived so late, it’s mostly luke-warm. Edgar doesn’t bother mentioning or apologizing for that. 

He finishes off a glass of wine. Then another. It just further succeeds in giving him that uncomfortable, sticky feeling he’s never been good at handling.

Edgar stares at him, and Kevin feels that gaze crawling across his skin. The room isn’t warm, but it might as well be.

“I’ve never been good at portraits,” Edgar admits to him, suddenly, his gaze lowering to his pallet. Kevin waits for him to continue, but realizes that on his on he probably won’t.

Despite himself, he prompts him.

....

His gaze is tired. His figure is stiff, “I’m not good at this, Ayuso. I’ve never been good at this. So I’ll be forward. I don’t know why you’re here, and it’s really hard to convince myself of any explanation that seems reasonable.”

Kevin's throat itches. Edgar looks up at him.

“What are you asking me, then?”

“I don’t know.” Kevin says, “I don’t even really know what I want outt’a this, if I’m bein’ honest with you.”

Edgar rubs his eyes. It seems tired, “Fuck me, you’re so fucking stupid sometimes,”

Kevin feels that anger, that kneejerk horror, and he moves to stand. There’s a snarl on his lip before he knows it, as the embarrassment passes over him

“No, no. Jesus- Get that look off your face, I wasn’t insulting you. You just- Are.” Edgar’s jaw sets. His paintbrush slams down, and with it, Kevin stills. He looks like he has a headache, “You are.” He repeats, sharply, and more firm.

“How is callin’ me stupid not an insult?!” 

“What else am I supposed to call you when you act like this!?” 

Kevin stares at him in disbelief, and Edgar throws his hands up in the air. He holds his head in his hands and closes his eyes, and there’s this short, uncomfortable silence between the two of them. It passes. It always passes. 

Kevin gets up to leave.

Edgar catches his hand and stare at him. Kevin hadn't realized he could move that fast, or maybe that he'd been approaching him to begin with. Kevin turns to snap at him, but when their eyes meet he feels it all die out.

“Sit down,” Edgar says

Kevin.... sits.

[The note in my drafts here just said "Second Base" With no other context]

He feels. Guilt. For for wanting him like this. 

And, above all else, guilt at placing himself in Edgar’s life. Guilt for his feelings.

He coughs. 

Kevin nudges Edgar off of him, and for a moment Edgar’s eyes flash with panic and - To Kevin’s mild horror, betrayal. But Kevin doesn’t have time to sit on it. He rolls over and, as he’s become so accustomed to, hacks and coughs until vomit and blood and whole flowers pool out of his mouth. At first in chunks, and then and into a puddle on the otherwise clean cloth. It tastes like rot in his mouth, stinks like the mush thrown at hogs. 

When he comes back down from it all, Edgar is next to him folded on his knee’s. He has a hand between his shoulder blades, tracing sweet little lines into his back. 

When Kevin breath’s again, he’s surprised. 

His hand is still near his mouth, covered in the ugly [visceral] and gore. 

Kevin think’s Edgar will leave him as he did before, especially when he leaves his side and mumbles about not needing to do anything tonight. But to his surprise, he comes back. He has a rag in his hand, stained by paint but otherwise clean, and a cup of water. Edgar takes his hands between his own again and mindfully begin to clean it. His nose wrinkles up when his hands touch a little too close to the gunk, but to Kevin’s surprise, he still works to clean them.

It’s been a while since anyone’s done that for Kevin.

He feels emptier for it.

...

“Didn’t think someone like you would have the stomach for this,” Kevin says, eventually, when his body no longer betrays him.

“... My sister used to get sick when she was younger,” Edgar says, 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” He looks ahead, rather than at Kevin, “The maids were supposed to take care of her, but I…” Edgar trails off, his fingers twitching. Kevin doesn’t push him about it. He has a few stories of his own that he wouldn’t want told.

“Sorry ‘bout your uh-” 

Edgar looks down at the vile, and wrinkles his nose, “Why are you apologizing? It’s just spare bedsheets. They were probably Balsa’s anyway,” 

They sit in silence.

Kevin is the one to leave.

//

What he hates most, he thinks, is that Edgar isn’t wrong. Kevin can’t deny his own attraction to the man at this point. That’s why he was here, wasn’t it? And there’s such shame in that. He was better than that. 

He doesn’t have a defense for himself. He says, "Is it hard to believe I find you kind of- I don’t know. You’re interesting?"

Edgar's nose wrinkles. His face blanks over. God that's - infuriating. He does that when he realizes he's not going to be getting his way, that he's maybe not as right as he thought he was. Kevin knows this because Kevin's argued with him before, "What could you possibly find fascinating about me?"

“I don’t know yet,” He answers, weakly, and Edgar gives him a look with disbelief so thick he can cut through it. His throat feels dry. Not even the stuffy, clogged dry that could get him out of this, but instead an uncomfortable, distant feeling that has him falling silent and still. He wants to raise his hands up and touch them to the other man's shoulders, but just as much, he finds his hand paralyzed at his sides.

Edgar tries to take pity on him.

“Ayuso, that’s not- It’s not an accusation,” Edgar says, slowly, “It’s just what it is.”

Kevin draws a long breath in. It's patient, and careful, "You were okay with me using you like that?"

"You weren't using me," Edgar sounds annoyed, but there’s confusion there, "I want to fuck you. If I didn’t want to fuck you, I wouldn’t be here.”

Kevin flinches at the vulgarity of it. Maybe it's just how sharply it contrasts the emotions of the conversation, but he - He does flinch.

...

Edgar steps closer, so that they can sit next to one another. He's still and uncomfortable. "Okay."

Kevin laces their fingers together.

There's no guilt for that.

[lavender-long-stories]

Writing Advice: Getting Words on a Page

With the 75k word count in November and 90k in August, I have been asked questions like how do I keep focus and what do I do when I get stuck. I am going to compile all the advice I have.

Over the last few years, I have posted 700k+ words of fan fiction and have been posting 3 to 6 chapters every week for the last ten months. This is not how to make your writing better. This is how to get words on a page. 

This is not all my original ideas. This is just a collection of things that have worked for me.

I am not sure I am the person to tell you how to make your writing better, but if people want my thoughts on that. I can make that post too.

When inspiration strikes, write like wild. 

If you have the time and you are bitten by the writing bug, keep writing anything while you are in peak form. You will thank yourself later when you feel like you can’t write everything. I have done the extreme version of this where I have a month (four chapters) written ahead of almost everything on my post schedule (you don’t need this), but this was really nice after I brunt out after finishing out the 90k challenge I destroyed myself with in August.

Write in little pockets of time.

You don’t need to sit down and write for two hours. Write 100 words here and 500 there. It will all add up. When I was struggling at the end of the 75k, I would just open a doc every few hours and write half a page until I got distracted and tried again later.

Change your font.

If you are struggling to edit or even just find yourself drifting while writing, change your font. It helps trick your brain into paying attention. (I like doing a mono font like Courier when I need writing vibes. It looks typewriter-y)

Take a shower. 

Not just for shower thoughts, being clean and fresh helps with focus

Get dressed.

I love being comfy, but something about getting dressed makes me feel like I am working and should finish my task. Extra points for it being fun. (Maybe cosplay a pirate or something.)

Move Locations.

Desk, kitchen table, bed, outside: changing location helps move you out of a brain rut.

Handwrite notes.

I take most of my notes on notion, but when I am struggling with my plot, I write out notes by hand, starting with what happened last and continuing from there, writing even things I know will happen. Then I transfer this to my digital notes so they are easier to move around in order, AND a lot of time, I add details when revising them to digital. Double power.

Always, always write down your thoughts and keep them.

Some of my most popular stories came from me rediscovering a 2 am thought that I wrote down six years ago. Keep a notepad next to the bed if you have to.

Change POV

If something is not working in a scene, maybe it is who you have reacting to it. Try switching POV. It helps you think of the scene from another perspective.

Watch a show in your genre.

I watch a lot of the silliest KDrama’s and get lots of romance ideas. Maybe I didn’t think of sending my character to a park or trapping them in a sky lift. Maybe I should add a stalker that sounds fun.

Take your bathroom breaks.

You should always drink lots of fluids and remember to take your bathroom breaks because the brief moment of walking away always gives me an idea.

Skim through the story and make notes on what HAS happened, not just what will happen.

This helps more with my style of having next to no plot outline. Need your next plot point and don’t know where to go? Remember that time they did x? Let’s build off that. This helps intertwine the plot without losing things.

Just read the story back.

You don’t always need to make notes, but sometimes just reading from the beginning can make you pick up on a detail that was unimportant at the time, and you may not even have meant to put in that could have a lot more meaning now. Then, you can call it clever foreshadowing.  

Explain your problem or the scene you are struggling with out loud.

It doesn’t have to be to someone. It could be a glass of water. This is called ‘rubber ducking. It’s a programmer term (hello, that is my day job). Restructuring your problem in a way you have to articulate it most of the time makes the solution come to you.

Try focusing on the scenery.

If you can’t get a scene to work open with the weather or how the floor is creaking under step, give the world a new feeling. How does the person feel about the weather or the temperature of the room? 

Can’t figure out what is wrong? Rewrite the chapter from scratch. 

Open a new doc and rewrite the chapter from memory. I do this a lot in the beginning of a story that didn’t quite hit the way I wanted it to. I will start the chapter from memory and skim the old one to ensure I didn’t miss anything important. Can’t do it from memory? Read a paragraph and write that from memory. 

Take a left turn.

Sometimes, if you can’t go any further, go back a sentence, a paragraph, a scene, a chapter, and just make a different decision. Turn left instead of right. Change how someone reacts to an argument. It opens a whole new lane to go down.

Excited for a scene that is in the future?

Write it! You don’t have to use it word for word in the future. Sometimes, you can copy and paste it in, and sometimes, you can just rewrite it, and you lose none of those thoughts you originally had.  Writing it might remind you of something that needs to happen first to help you get there.

Have more than one story you are working on.

I don’t think you need to be working on four+ stories like I do, but having something to switch to when your brain really isn’t feeling your main is a great way to keep you writing. Call it productive procrastination. This is the REAL reason I have so many stories uploading.  (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

Other Somewhat Related Advice

Context Switching

I work on multiple projects at a time, and I tend not to mix them up because they have a different vibe to me. It feels like stepping into each world.  If you are struggling with context switching between stories, I suggest finding a song or making a playlist that gives you that story’s ‘vibe’ and keeping a link to it in your writing folder or snagging a section of your story that captures the vibe you are going for and keeping it off to the side to reread when you need to switch.

Don’t edit the same day you write.

You’re not going to catch errors. Your brain is too familiar with what you wrote. Also, I recommend Grammarly or another grammar checker for all your missing comma and period needs. (Word, Docs, and any other text editor simply won't bully you enough.)

If you hate editing, don’t leave yourself with a painful amount of editing.

When people ask me how I edit my work, how many passes I take, etc, I tend to disappoint them. The short answer is one read-through (after using a grammar checker).  I learned a LONG time ago that as much as it would be nice to write a bunch of dialog and then tell yourself you will go back to add all the actions or write without quotes because it takes time, you will save yourself a lot of time and pain if you learn to write it correctly the first time and then editing won’t be as much of a chore. I have been writing for years, and I am used to how I write and edit. If you are newer to writing, give it another pass or two, but try to shift some of that work to the writing process, not the editing process.

Make yourself an editing cheat sheet.

Make yourself a doc or a notion of words you notice you use too much or common words you misspell when writing.  I usually make one when I get back and do a post edit (when the story has been up for a while and I get back with fresh eyes and edit it). Reading through your old work and find things that you don’t like or don’t want to do anymore is a great way to build this list and improve your writing.

Now go write.

Got any advice for me? Reblog and tell me.

[accio-sriracha]

Hii! @bradleysass thank you so much for tagging me in Your Post!

It looks like a super fun wip game, and I think I'll ask @silence-between-seconds @regulusblxxk @equippedtolove and @menwrittenbywomen ONLY if they want to do it, because I'm curious about their wips🧐 but open tags!

Tell us the name of your/ one of your WIP(s)

I have SO many, but I'll go with If Not For Wings

Describe your wip/one of your wips in the format of “___ + ___ =___”

Jegulus + Icarus = ... depressing southern poetry?

What tags or warnings will your / one of your wip(s) need?

Well... there's a few, but Major Character Death, Multiple Pie Addictions, and Southern James Potter I feel might be the most important

An alternative title to your/ one of your WIP(s)?

The acronym "INFW" was decided, but originally (in the VERY beginning of the project) the fic was going to be named "The Tragedy of The Sun"

Which wip you're most likely to finish next?

This is funny because I'm literally working my way down a list right now, trying to finish them all. The next is a drarry fic called "A Heart For The Holidays"

What is your document of your wip called? (not the story's actual title but what it's saved as)

Technically it's called "☀️ The Draft" but the entire doc is just labeled "If Not For Wings"

Post any sentence from your wip:

I couldn't choose so...

“Whatever you say, cowboy.” Regulus smiled back, grabbing James' black hat from the countertop and putting it on his own head.

And, of course:

James looked away, a single tear rolling down his cheeks. He had never been a fan of poetry anyway.

A scrapped idea for your WIP

Well, there was actually only one throughout the entire thing. I originally had Sirius overhear a conversation from his mother...

She was talking about Regulus.

Sirius felt his heart race, fear overcame him in waves.

They found Regulus.

What’s a story you’d love to write but haven’t even started yet?

I actually only have one wip that doesn't have anything written down yet. It's called If It Comes To It:

A zombie apocalypse has torn humanity to shreds. With less than half the population still alive, survivors need to band together in order to keep safe from the spreading infections.

Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew couldn't be less alike. But in times like these? They were the closest thing to family they had.

How many Wips?

HAHAHAHAHAHA

122...

Is there a scene or anything in the WIP you are struggling with right now?

Right now the full rough draft is done so I think my main struggle is trying to edit😭

And because I'm a sucker for sneak peaks, this is a small side plot from Chapter 10:

Sirius shouted for Evan to play the song again and he did.

Barty’s laugh was loud, infectious, Sirius found himself laughing too.

Sirius lifted his free hand into the air, letting the force of the wind push it backwards.

It was like magic, the way his whole body seemed to come to life all at once.

He was going to find his brother.

The thoughts made him laugh again, letting out a shout into the open air, swallowed by the wind and the swell of the music. Barty whooped loudly as well, raising his own hand into the air.

Even Evan was laughing, cranking up the volume on the song until it drowned out everything but this feeling humming in Sirius’ very soul.

[wishforged]

welcome to the very long postscript to Steal Ahead, a persona 5 fanfiction, that I doubt very many people will read in full but I have chosen to write anyway for my own self-aggrandizement.

before proceeding, please take note that in the following, I reflect on my writing decisions in some detail. reading these notes may color your perception of the story. if you prefer for the author to be dead, I'd advise stopping here!!

introductory thoughts

this fic is titled after a lyric in the song "Tape Song" by the kills.

pretty self-explanatory, right?

I started writing this fic because... well, that was 5 years ago and since then I've gotten a concussion at least once and my memory is kind of bad in general but I can still confidently say goro akechi is my favorite character in the world. a lot of post-vanilla fans might not completely understand the degree to which goro fans were imbibing copium before all the additional material royal gave us-- goro's story ended very ambiguously, and a lot of things about him and his relationship with Ren were left up to our little fujoshi imaginations to ruminate over and decipher. I couldn't help but want to give him a future in my own way.

I also really wanted to write a SUPER SLOW BURN LONG TERM YEARS-LONG EPIC AKESHU LOVE STORY!!! it ended up being a little different than what I envisioned lol but I think it's still true to my original aspiration, which was to create an intimate, realistic, friends-to-lovers dynamic between the two of them. I hope you enjoyed it...

one of my major influences was In Good Company by weialala. yes, it's a naruto fic, one that I've held dear for many many years. weialala's internal monologue for Sasuke and how she deals with questions about his life, as well as her take on Sasuke and Naruto's relationship, goes beyond Naruto canon in an incredible way that really influenced how I wrote Goro and the slow burn romance in this fic. I highly recommend checking the fic out if you're a naruto fan!! sorry if you're not and this revelation gave you psychic damage.

I outlined this fic pretty heavily, keeping a google doc with a timeline of events spanning the four years over which the story takes place. that didn't stop me from changing things and adding stuff up until the last minute, though. I also struggled to keep the timeline straight a lot because I made the questionable decision to start the fic two years after canon left off and I can be kind of dumb.

a look into my struggles/twisted mind. my outlines tend to be quite rough.

in the rest of this post I talk about several things in the fic, like Goro's disability and mental health, how Ren is portrayed, and the original characters, with some behind-the-scenes thoughts.

"redemption"

when it comes to characters who have Done Stuff Wrong, there is a lot of discourse to be had among fans about how they can Atone for their crimes. these arguments often touch a lot of nerves-- in my opinion, because our contributions to this discourse are influenced by how we think about crime and rehabilitation in the real world.

I live in a country where the carceral system is incredibly brutal and discriminatory, abuse of incarcerated people is routine, and the goal of incarceration is not rehabilitation but the infliction of suffering upon those deemed "criminals" by the state. this has shaped my beliefs about incarceration as a form of punishment. to put it simply, I am not a fan. and in a fictional context, I find the idea that a character in a work of fiction can "do their time" and have all their guilt and sin magically removed to be a cop-out.

this is just me and these are just my own thoughts of course. again, I think questions about crime and rehabilitation in fiction are influenced by our thoughts on these concepts in the real world. for that reason and many others this is quite a personal story that draws on my own personal philosophy in its telling (as half-baked as that philosophy may be bc im not a super genius who has all the answers). whether that is a flaw or a feature is up to you as a reader to decide.

in this fic I wanted to explore how to move forward after you have done something horrible. it was hard, because in this story and perhaps in life, there are no pretty answers and no perfect ways to make up for doing the things Goro did. I settled upon an "answer" that reflects one of my deeply-held beliefs: we do what we must after tragedy, and what we must do is move forward, rely on and be there for those we love, and try to do as much good as we can.

original characters

as stated in the tags of the fic, I wrote in OCs so goro could have actual relationships and friends. I tried to gift each one with their own unique personality and some depth! a lot of the OCs are women, maybe because I find it easier to write women lol. sometimes I feel like a lot of female OCs in fic can lean towards being misogynistic caricatures -- I'm not really blaming writers for this as much as I am blaming Society; fanfic deals in tropes and when you constantly see the trope of the bitchy secretary, the shallow seductress, etc. in the media you consume it becomes second nature to unconsciously replicate it, even if you identify as a woman. this is why IMO as a writer you need to make a conscious effort to do things differently (and read more books) although I'm sure there are a lot of ways I come up short...

one of my favorites is cleo which is funny because she only shows up for a handful of scenes in the last chapter lol, and maybe it's recency bias but I spent so long working on the last chapter she feels like my own child... I feel like her first name doesn't make sense for a Japanese-American person to have but I got attached to it lmao.

I actually do think I gave the Kato family too many problems, what with Kagami's illness and Taku's behavior -- I think I kinda reference this at one point by having Goro wonder what kind of a fucked up Dickensian family this is lol. I have some other self-critical thoughts on how I wrote them but I'll keep that to myself... still love them a lot though. I really enjoy messy but loving sibling relationships in fiction so I had to put one in here too.

(fun fact: like Goro, Taku was going to be Deaf, which is why Kagami comments that Goro is "like my brother" during her first appearance in chapter 1. when I decided to go another direction for Taku's character, I changed this to mean Goro and Taku have eyes that are the same color.)

shout out, also, to Hirakawa, who seems to be something of a fan favorite judging by the comments. she was a blast to write lol and I really love her relationship with Goro.

ren

I consider the Ren in this fic to be my Ultimate™ portrayal of him that is the closest to how I see him as a character. my most popular p5 work is The Next Time Around, an AU fic where Ren is an older adult that I wrote when I was a teenager (more than five years ago) (lol) (😔) and although I do have pride in/affection for that work and the Ren in it, he is a far cry from the way I imagine Ren today. (for one thing his name wasn't ren in that fic. lol)

being a silent protagonist, Ren is a tricky character to get right. I was very active in the p5 fandom space on social media for several years before I basically completely stopped paying attention to it, but like many others, in those early days I absorbed parts of others' portrayals of Ren into my own. I actually think that's quite a lovely thing about silent protagonists-- everyone in a fandom space kind of works to build the character together. yes, sometimes the portrayals that attain the most popularity are flattening or flanderizing, but ultimately, it's kind of fun to build a Frankenprotagonist. until you're writing a fic which prompts you to really sit down and think about what a true-to-canon portrayal looks like and how to make it also true to Yourself and what you really believe the character to be. (it's hard)

in Steal Ahead, Ren is superstitious and avoidant and quite bad at expressing his feelings. he's a charismatic anti-authoritarian, a middle child, and a neat freak with a strong, stubborn sense of justice. he's full of contradictions and flaws, and he's healing in his own way from the events of p5 proper, struggling with returning to a mundane life when for a short, glorious while, he was extraordinary. (hence the shoplifting subplot in chapter 2. fun fact -- that was originally supposed to be smoking but then I decided to change it. I forget why but I'm sure I had a good reason, probably. don't smoke, kids! or shoplift if you think you might get caught. kidding etc)

Ren argues and bickers with Goro quite a bit in this fic which I enjoyed writing. though they share many similarities, they're very different people -- I thought it would be only natural for them to clash sometimes, though they always come back to each other.

this Frankenren is composed of a bunch of headcanons, a lot of which were influenced by/shamelessly stolen from friends. I love him very much. thanks to everyone who helped me build my Ren along the way!

disability

goro has a disability in this fic-- single-sided deafness-- which I included because I felt it was unrealistic for him to have escaped from the engine room with no lasting consequences. I was pretty conscious of portraying it respectfully and realistically so I did my research on the condition. this source was helpful as a personal testimonial from someone who has this condition about how it affects their life.

by the way, goro's hearing aid in this fic is a CROS hearing aid, which is designed specifically for people with single-sided deafness.

one of my favorite moments in the fic is the brief conversation Goro and Ryuji have about their respective disabilities in chapter 2 -- it's short, because I didn't think either of them would really be enthusiastic about opening up to each other at that point lol, but it's nice.

I welcome criticism of how I handled this part of the fic from anyone in the Deaf community -- I'm not perfect and don't have firsthand knowledge.

mental health

obviously goro is not doing great mentally in this fic for many reasons. I have written a lot of goro-centric fics, but this one required really tapping into the headspace of a flawed person who has been traumatized & manipulated and is dealing with immense depression and guilt while recovering. like many (most?) writers I draw from my own past experiences and emotions while writing, which made this a particularly taxing fic to work on, and is definitely one of the reasons it took so long to finish 🥲

other than that I'd say one of the most difficult things was being realistic while avoiding melodrama, and portraying a real story of recovery/imparting positive messages without being too cheesy, which made some of the self-help book sections hard to write.

if you relate to goro's depressive thoughts in this fic, I hope it can be an affirming story for you. I also hope you're taking the time to reach out to people who can support you and practicing self-care.

the ending

I actually don't have a ton to say about the ending because I'd like to leave it up to interpretation. however, I will say that the ending is not the original one I had in mind when I started the fic. I'm not sure how people will react to it (if you've been following this fic maybe you'll just be happy it got an ending at all LOL) but I hope it didn't feel like it came out of nowhere.

concluding thoughts

compared to my other p5 works, this one isn't as popular even though I do consider it my best, which I will admit is disheartening. the release of p5 royal also created a new canon in which this fic does not take place, which I imagine certainly doesn't help. despite this, I got some lovely long, thoughtful comments and even occasionally saw people on social media discussing how they enjoyed this fic despite it being unfinished, which always made me super emotional. trust me, in those 4 years that this fic was lying dormant, each new comment motivated me to crack open the Google doc again and ultimately finish this work. let this be a testament to the power of comments and the ubiquitous egotism of fic writers. or writers in general, actually. thank you so much for your kindness!

if you actually read all of this, thank you again! I do like talking about this fic so feel free to ask questions or give feedback via my ask box, retrospring (linked on twitter) or ao3 comments.

I just ran a word count on this and it's like 2.5k words. good lord. bye

[senblades]

Tell us about the planning doc!!!

thank you very much for indulging me HAHA

So I started writing the planning doc like. When I really shouldn't have LMAO- I wasn't busy right then, but I was absolutely about to be. Oh well! What's done is done.

The planning doc is, essentially, a full outline of all the plot of fftsr, told exclusively in dumb jokes and memes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Or, well, more accurately, a dumping ground for all my ideas in chronological order, marked with dates and some (emphasis on SOME lmao) of the confidant rank ups for Akechi and Ren.

I'll share some of the outline already written in chapters to get my point across: (UH MAJOR AND MINOR SPOILORS FOR FAITH FOR THE SECOND RUN- earlier chapters, mostly)

As you can see, not everything from the doc makes the cut. Sometimes things just don't work anymore, or I can't quite find a place to shoehorn it. I'm pretty sure a line showing how Sumire was struggling without a team never made it into the chapter- or, if it did, it was so negligible that it doesn't even matter.

Plus, I definitely hadn't figured out all the scene-by-scene POV's by that point. The "April 18" bullet point implies that scene might have taken place from Sumire's POV, but the final chapter actually has it as Ren's.

I also put all my Metaverse powerpoint slide intermittently as they become relavent. I'm not actually sure if this explanation ever made it into a chapter... I think Akechi might have implied it? But I don't think it was ever spelled out, since I couldn't find a smooth way to do it. Oh well! Here it is now!

There's also outlines of character conversations and motivations, as expected. The level of detail within the planning doc is VERY uh. Well, it's dependant on a lot of things. There are some major beats that I just hadn't thought of until writing the actual chapters, but some of the character-related convos that are more centred to the plot got written down pre-writing chapter 1

From memory, I think the above scene also changed slightly in the final fic. Sometimes what I write as character motivations in the planning doc ends up being VERY DIFFERENT by the time I get to the actual chapter. And, sometimes, the characters just run away with a scene HAHA

Speaking of character convos, some of my jokes in the planning doc made it, almost word for word, into the fic's chapters. Akechi hysterically wondering if Rank 3 is the "deepest darkest secrets" Rank Up is something that I wanted to immortalise lmao

As you can also see, though, not all of the confidant rank-ups were planned- Magician rank 2 is implied, but I didn't actually know what it was going to be at the time.

And then there's the confidants I didn't have planned at ALL:

(UH SPOILERS UP UNTIL CHAPTER 46)

The Tower and the Aeon are the worst offenders of this: I retroactivaly added the Aeon into the planning doc- an easy feat, since it coincides with the Justice, but just know that it absolutely wasn't there originally lmao. The Aeon came about in two stages, if I'm remembering correctly- I wrote the dream sequence where Ren didn't remember shit, but some vision of Crow was there and did remember, pretty much on a whim, and then thought "okay what if that kept happening though"

I think that descision was one of the best things I could have done lmao- it made October third MUCH more exciting to write (and, I assume, to read)... (originally Metatron was not a factor in the boys remembering- just some annoying headaches and visions. Shadow Maruki was also a last-second addition! While Ren was off galivanting with Crow, I wanted to give Goro something interesting to do as well. So! Impromptu therapy session)

Now the Tower... I did have some. uh. Plans, for cognitive Akechi right from the start; I can't remember my exact thought process for when I started cooking for this confidant, but I think I saw a comment on Throw Away Your Mask explaining why the Tower was particularly apt for the character it's used for in that fic, and thought "wait I can cook with this". or something HAHA I can't quite remember. (I was also VERY MUCH inspired by Marigolds and A Tale of Two Tricksters for all of that... (love those fics you should read them if you haven't))

All of the PT's rank ups are missing from the planning doc, too. I knew I wanted to have all of them as confidants, but I had no idea what their arcana was going to be, or when those confidants would start or rank up.

I unfortuantly can't share some of my best jokes from the planning doc, since I'm joking about MAJOR SPOILERS from future chapters HA

ty very much for letting me gush lmao <3 <3 <3

[julia-bunncat]

Shuichi's Love Hotel {LSE} | Amasai version

Hey, hey, is that a new blog entry?! Unbelievable… But yes, after a hiatus in my life that excluded writing or even interacting with people, I was finally able to build up the energy for a new little creative achievement! Over a year ago, I did this post here... And now I am officially ready to present to you the full version [so that my intention can finally be understood correctly], using my OT3 of course.

I'll make a little remark before I start, and give a commentary at the end!

The blue text shows the thoughts of the main character (Rantaro), just like in the original game. You can either read the text version below , or take a look at this google-doc [https://clck.ru/3Ehn5n] to check out the sprites I've chosen specifically for the immersive feel of the game. Both would be appreciated, as I've put a lot of work into the google-doc!

Go ahead!~

Rantaro: Monokuma said that once I get here, I have to act like someone’s ideal or else my partner will wake up in pain… Rantaro: Knowing him, I'm sure it's not just a bluff. I must be as cautious as I can, especially since… Rantaro: Shuichi... I must admit, I wonder what's behind his title as the Ultimate Detective. Shuichi: Thanks for coming, Rantaro. Rantaro: He seems a bit nervous, but so far it appears to be going on as usual. Shuichi: I know you never refuse to talk to me... Shuichi: But I must say that we will have a serious conversation this time. Rantaro: That look on his face… Rantaro: Hey, am I being interrogated, aha-ha-ha? Rantaro: Is this really going to be a classic detective-criminal plot, huh? Shuichi: N-no, I… it’s not that serious. Shuichi: And honestly, I don't want to hear the word “interrogation” again. Shuichi: It’s just… I just wanted to say that I believe it's important to be more open to each other. Rantaro: It seems really important. If I don't play along, he might wake up. Rantaro: So what exactly is bothering you? Rantaro: If you want to know something, you have to ask. I wouldn't hide anything. Shuichi: ...This is exactly the topic that bothers me. Shuichi: You and I have been together for quite some time now and… Shuichi: For me, that time is priceless. You always know how to support me, how to cheer me up and set me on the right path, but... Shuichi: Each time, I feel like I'm missing something. Shuichi: You give everything to help me, but you never open up about your troubles. Shuichi: Your bright beautiful smile doesn't bring me joy in return. It makes me believe it's all insincere! Shuichi: It seemed to me that there was some kind of connection between us… That I can also be a support for you… Rantaro: What..? Rantaro: Hey, Shuichi... Please calm down a bit, okay? Rantaro: I wouldn't deceive you… Our… relationship is important to me as well. Rantaro: It's just a bit complicated, you know? There are some things you don't… Rantaro: Suddenly, I felt Shuichi's tight grip on my sweatshirt. He’s pulling me closer… Shuichi: Please trust me. Shuichi: Open your heart to me. Shuichi: Maybe I’m a failure as a detective, but for your case I’m willing to try. Shuichi: Watching you struggle all by yourself is killing me. Rantaro: Shuichi, I… Rantaro: Now, I'm not even sure if it's all a dream. Shuichi's eyes were so piercingly intense that I couldn't tell where the limits of reality are.  Rantaro: I can't play along or dodge any longer. Rantaro: Honestly, out of all people, he is the one I can trust the most. And it’s not about talent. Rantaro: All right, I'll tell you. Rantaro: But don't write yourself off anymore too, okay? Shuichi: He-he, yeah, I’m sorry. I’ll admit, I'm a bit of a mess. Shuichi: I always get… a little more sensitive when I'm around you… Rantaro: My cheeks were touched by a blush for the first time… Rantaro: Stop. Hold on yourself, Rantaro, he’s a guy! Rantaro: Then shall I start? It’s about… Rantaro: Shuichi smiled resolutely… and prepared to listen to everything I had never trusted anyone before.

_________________________________

Now, let's get to the notes!

Honestly, in my personal opinion after re-reading it several times, text came out raw and short. However, I still want to share it the way it turned out, since it was the first time I tried my hand at it. Yeah, the drama here develops a bit too suddenly, but that's what most love-events were like, wasn't it? Shuichi in canon also had some kind of emotional attack and lost control of the situation, especially when the characters themselves were caught… active :'D I tried to both to keep that vibe of absurdity and not overthink it. It worked out, according to my friends, so let it stay that way.

The purpose of this text was, for the most part, to show Shuichi's ideal as I see it. They is still the same gender-neutral person ‘with a core’ who has been in a relationship with Saihara for some time and has been supportive and proactive in every way possible.

However, this ‘core person’ tends to hide behind their confidence/principles/beliefs; tends to show that they feels better than they really does. Over time, this begins to bother Shuichi. He feels that something very important is being hidden from him, and he can't continue to ignore it — either as a good partner or as a detective.

So in the love-hotel storyline, Shuichi finally decides to talk to this person and get them to trust him. So, I emphasise that you can fit almost any DR character under this formula, as long as they're not completely weak-willed/indifferent/easy-going.

I'm even thinking of writing a version with some more characters in the future (the same Kaito, for example) or I can accept requests. The formula and phrases will be repeated, but the outcome and context will change depending on the character used.

Going back to Rantaro, I thought he was quite fitting for the role of the ideal with a strong core inside and a supportive character. He was, of course, very wary at first and a bit confused... xD But it's assumed that in the realities outside of the Hotel, he and Shuichi have become friends and that's why he decided to tell him one of his secrets. Whether it's a story about the sisters, the previous killing game, or something else — you decide! My plan was for him to tell something else 👀.

BTW, I didn't plan for Shuichi to cry here, it's just that the other sprites aren't emotionally charged enough for that, so I had to choose the lesser evil. think of him as just holding his head and clenching his teeth.

oh, and how could I not make a joke about this and make a reference to all the events where Rantaro denies his gay panic? xD hush, dear, Shuichi's charms just can't be resisted, you'll have to accept it.

Thank you all for reading guys! <3 There will be a second post in this series!

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

Hello! If it’s okay, I’d like to know your thoughts on the Trikoto theory (3+ alters). I think it’s a cool theory! And pretty likely, honestly. (Here’s a document about it in case you don’t know what I’m talking about. I didn’t make it, and I unfortunately don’t know who did, I just found it in another blog)(I really hope that link works lol)

Hey FF! I was wondering when you might send something in. Not the topic I expected, but I'm here for it!

I've definitely heard of this theory before. I can't say I know for sure where it originated, but I've always been under the impression that a blog called @bertrandcaillet started it as they're the first one I saw talk about that theory and they told me about it a while ago. They've since deactivated, though, so I can't really check with them to see if that's true.

I think the trikoto theory is interesting, and I fully agree with what's said on the document about how it would be nice if Milgram is showing a system with more nuance than just having two alters.

That being said, I personally don't believe this theory for a number of reasons. I'm going to do my best to explain why here. I do want to say going into this that while I do have extremely minimal psychology teaching (as in, undergrad psyc MINOR), I do not claim to be that educated on DID or similar struggles. So, anything that I say will be focusing much more on Milgram as a piece of media from a writing standpoint, because that's what I have much more extensive experience in.

I will say that I am very aware that most systems have more than 2 alters. That being said, I think I also remember from my psyc class that the average number is, like... 16? I'm not at my dorm right now and that's where my notes are, so I can't check, but I remember specifically thinking about it in the context of Mikoto and trikoto theory, so I'm pretty confident it's Above Three. That means that either way, it's not like we're doing The Most Common Number, so I think two versus three is largely irrelevant on that point.

For the sake of clarity, I'll be using the names in the doc (Akakoto, Midokoto, Aokoto), but I only personally believe that two of them (Akakoto, Aokoto) exist. I've taken to calling them Orekoto and Bokuto, but for this post, Akakoto and Aokoto it is.

At its base, my problem with trikoto theory is that I don't see a lot of evidence for it. Most of what I've seen has been talking about the implications of it if you assume it's true, but I've just never really been convinced in the first place. I'll just go through some of the main reasonings real quick:

The RGB Colors

I do acknowledge that I'm very much not a visually oriented person, so the color shifting is something I'm less inclined to notice. However, while the background of the room is blue and the train station and apartment are pretty green, I don't feel like there are ever really any red backgrounds (other than when the headspace becomes red as ooposed to blue). Because of that, I have a hard time believing that the backgrounds themselves contribute to the idea that there are three. I definitely think the red/blue coloration in the eyes and such are indicating different alters, but I don't think that specific fact supports there being three of them.

The Voice Changes

This might be a me issue, but I only really hear two different vocal inflections. I understand the point about there being some harsher (?) sounding vocals that don't have the growl, but personally, I still think the tone matches the one described as Akakoto enough to count. Similarly, the parts towards the end that are picked out for Midokoto ("I'm probably not to blame," etc.) actually sound more like Aokoto to me even if I do try to track the three voices.

I'm hesitant to go too hard in believing the different voices because to me, doing so would severely limit the amount of control Natsuki Hanae would have over the emotions he wants to put into the song. The vocalists in Milgram do a fantastic job at using specific vocal intonations to convey deep layers of emotions in their songs. I feel like it would be very limiting to only be able to use certain vocal effects (ex. growl) in specific places due to the limitations of the characters. If there are two, the two voices are far more separate, which gives more space for customization within the bounds of each voice.

This is also a little bit iffier on evidence, but there's the Es cover of MeMe. I don't know how much Yurina Amami knows about Mikoto's story and the entire video is in grayscale, so take all of this with a grain of salt, but to me, I feel like Es uses two voices here, not three. Notably, they even have a bit of vocal growl on the "switch" and on "split and half, make that heart beat," which are both squarely in the Midokoto tone. They do still have the two voice split, sounding a bit more apathetic and aggressive in the Akakoto parts and cuter in the Aokoto parts. To me, that signifies that there's suppose to be two voices going on, not three, but you could argue that that's just Es' perception of Mikoto, so it's not decisive or anything.

Mikoto Fighting Es

Yes, in his first audio drama, Mikoto is able to beat Es up until Kotoko stops him. Yes, that's inconsistent from what we've seen from Futa and also t2 Amane. I agree that that's because the Milgram rules only apply to one or more alters, and thus any others that may exist can get around the rulings. We saw this between trials, too, with how Mikoto (seemingly Akakoto at the time) was able to avoid being restrained despite his guilty verdict, likely through the same loophole.

(Side note: this implies to me that Milgram's system for restraining guilty prisoners is, like the protective barrier around Es, somewhat magical and isn't a physical thing. Thus, if we were to, say, vote Amane as guilty, I am fairly confident she would be unable to harm any other prisoners, as we've already seen the barriers are able to prevent her from attacking others. I still lean Amane innocent anyways, but I wanted to point this out.)

Anyways, I don't think that this is actually evidence towards trikoto theory because it works perfectly fine with just the two of them. Aokoto is the prisoner in Milgram and Akakoto isn't. This doesn't necessarily mean that Aokoto is the one who was fronting while the murder happened, though; the rules of Milgram just necessitate that the prisoner is involved in/related to a death. It can be indirect.

I think that that's exactly what Milgram is asking us with Mikoto. The question is, how do you fairly hold a system accountable? Can you blame one alter for the other's actions?

Milgram loves to complicate these, and I can see the appeal of a complication being learning about a third alter. Personally, I think it's much more likely that the route Milgram is taking is looking at how much knowledge the alters have about each other and asking how much Aokoto would have to know to make him an accessory to Akakoto's murder plans. It could go either way, though.

Some Bonus Points

I think the strongest piece of evidence brought up is the use of threes in Mikoto's design. Other than "they just liked it aesthetically," there isn't much of a counterargument I can make about it. My best one would be that they might be going for a "switching between black and white" type of thing, which would work better with more stripes, but that's pretty weak. I also had the idea that the first character of his name looks like three stripes, which might be a better or worse explanation! You get to decide, I have no idea.

The cake sells me less, though. It's true that Kazui's is a perfect 50/50 and that Mikoto's isn't, but that's because they're representing different things.

Kazui's is half and half because his song is called half, and it could also be a sign of how he and his wife didn't actually connect more in a marriage sense; they're still two fully separate people rather than being a unit.

Mikoto, if he has two alters, is still physically one guy. Mikoto is mostly sitting on the flower designs. I'd argue that the flowers are meant to show Mikoto as a whole: the connection point of the two alters.

That's pretty much all of what I have to say on the doc (in terms of the trikoto aspect, whether I believe it or not there's some good work done in character/lyric analysis that applies to two or three alter theories), but I'll go over some of my reason for why I actively believe there to be two, because there are some reasons.

Reason 1: The Song Titles

The doc explains what the meaning of MeMe is in trikoto theory, but it definitely still works with two, more obviously so. That's not evidence, though, because the trikoto theory has a viable explanation too.

I have no idea what they'd be doing with the song title Double, though. I guess it would be a play on somebody being someone else's double, meaning they're someone like them, which is no doubt part of the song title either way, but I think it's difficult to ignore the meaning of Double that means, y'know... multiplied by 2, or:

But that could very easily be a diversion and we haven't seen the second video, so I'd let that slide. However, that brings me to the bigger problem:

Reason 2: Upright Versus Reversed

AKA, the tarot cards.

Tarot cards can be read two ways, Upright or Reversed, based on the orientation of the card when it's placed/picked up/whatever. I already went over in my original theory (which is pretty outdated, I could do a way better job but I wrote that one literally first out of my milgram thoeries and I hated not having a good name scheme for the various alters) why I believe Akakoto to be the Hanged Man (Upright) and why I believe Aokoto to be the Hanged Man (Reversed).

I struggle to imagine why the devs would pick tarot, something that clearly has two meanings to it, when there are actually three alters. Maybe it'd just be to throw us off the scent, but it feels a bit too intentional to me.

Plus, if it was meant to throw us off, I'd expect we'd get a different metaphor/symbol for the second MV (as we have been with pretty much everyone). However, the association between Mikoto and "reversible" things has continued into trial 2, even before his MV has come up.

I say this because of his trial 2 cover song: Reversible Campaign. Funnily enough, I actually thought this song would go to Kazui before it was announced as Mikoto's, but then I looked again and understood why they wanted it for Mikoto.

My thoughts get confused and fight with each other

Very Mikoto, works for either two or three alter theories. However:

I just want to waver between black and white

It's turned me upside down

There's more that seems to paint Mikoto's mind as a dichotomy, not a... trichotomy? Is that a word? I don't actually know.

The Song Lyrics of MeMe

This is sort of an extension of the above part, but there are also definitely song lyrics in MeMe that sound like they're heavily implying two. Again, you could argue that that's trying to throw us off the scent, but some of them are, in my opinion, actively difficult to justify for trikoto theory.

Split in half, Make that heart beat

I cannot for the life of me understand why any of the three alters would say "split in half" if there are three. I guess if any of them were aware of one of the other alters, but not the other? I don't think that's what was being argued, though, sorry if I missed that.

I’m already the fake one

Little harder to argue this one because I don't know how definite versus indefinite articles work in Japanese, but saying the fake one really sounds to me like there is one fake and one real. If you were just having a moment of existential crisis, in most situations, I think you'd opt for "I'm already fake."

The Mirror

This is sort of the same argument as the tarot cards, but there's also the use of mirror imagery in Mikoto's MeMe MV. Mirrors have two sides and are a reflection. You could use Haruka logic and say that it depicts self reflection, I guess, but considering the reflection acts differently, I think it's much more likely that this is meant to show the two alters.

Conclusion

Hopefully this all made sense? I respect trikoto theory and I could easily be super wrong about it (see also: my original opinions on gay Kazui theory and police Kazui theory), but I've just never really been sold. It's possible my opinion would change if I saw evidence that I felt worked better for trikoto than... twokoto? theory, but personally, I feel like most evidence I've seen for it is still better explained by there being two alters. Let me know what you think, though :)

[lordgrimwing]

Hey! I was wondering if you could tell me about The Wives Don't Die (all au snippets)? Sounds intriguing.

Ah, good old All AU Snippets, from the days when I thought I wouldn't write that much so Everything could go in one doc.

TWDD is a modern au roughly spanning the 1980s through today and told through a series of short stories. Originally, the main plot was supposed to be Glorfindel having a bit of a midlife crisis and being harassed by someone at work, having an emotional affair with Thranduil, the fall out with his partner Erestor, and then putting life back together and going to therapy.

Why is it called The Wives Don't Die? Because Celebrian, Thranduil's wife (Hithundil), and Aredhel live! (Elwing too but she's not in the series much).

I'll be the first to admit that the original plan (while still going to show up) has kinda been lost in how fun it is to play with all the characters lives, also because I want to establish a lot of background stuff that really contextualizes why people do what they do in the major events. It's a wonderful au for writing whatever I am in the mood for, vibe wise (i'm just struggling to write so there hasn't been anything in awhile).

Here are some other ongoing plot points that people may enjoy:

Maedhros adopts Elrond and Elros and raises them with a lot of help from Maglor. The sons of Feanor (all lawyers) are less than nice to each other and Feanor is quite racist. E+E are mixed race (elf/human mainly but a little uruk through their dad).

Elrond becomes a doctor, marries Celebrian and deals with the fallout of Maedhros' suicide and Maglor's drug use. There's a lot of therapy.

Glorfindel grows up in tolkenized Southern California, has a serious head injury in college and settles for working as an accountant. He's a happy guy but deep down doesn't know how to deal with uncomfortable feelings, hates conflict, and struggles with internalized ableism.

Thranduil primary-parents Legolas, has a very active sex life with his wife and doesn't realize that he probably would benefits from having a friend or two.

Aredhel runs away with Eol and then runs away from him 15 years later. Maglin disappears right before a big school project without a word to his best friend, Arwen.

and so much more.

I'm currently working on a story about Thranduil taking Legolas to the hospital because he picked up a bat and put it in his pocket because I've spent nearly the whole year irl working on rabies-related pubic health things and figured I could make a story that walks people through what to do after a potential exposure.

So far, there's 33 works published on archive with 48,000 words total.

Hope that gives you a taste of the series!

ask about my wips!

[transautisticmikewheeler]

having thoughts about mike (no one is surprised) but bear with me here, given the subject matter. i just don't really know where else i'd talk about this since this blog seems a bit too fluffy nowadays to go over my darker fics like i have once or twice.

anyways, trigger warnings for talk of incest, csa/cocsa, and trauma in general, including responses [fic: safe]

so "safe" as a fic is kind of this parallel timeline, but i find it unrealistic that mike wouldn't show signs before the beginning of the fic and i'm currently trying to think of ways to rectify that in chapter 7 a bit given the timeline of abuse i've included in the fic, however vague i remember it being.

mike in the fic doesn't concretely remember the beginning of the abuse, but he does know something was off with ted thinking back on it because he'd been pretty young (this is normal, dissociation + the childhood capacity for trauma/childhood memory in general means the younger it starts, the more likely it is the child won't remember, especially when it comes to abuse).

i'm currently toying with the idea of previous trauma reenactment via will. it's a common thing in abused children, but to do this, i think i'd keep it limited. a few time deal.

i already have a scene planned with robin where she and mike talk about being abused as kids, i have a similar headcanon for her being abused- nccsa/emotional abuse. i feel like putting in the reenactment could fit in this conversation bc he and robin both had weird rituals about doing so in my mind.

i don't think will would remember the cocsa very well, either, though, repressing it entirely because it also happens only before lonnie leaves, because by then mike realizes what exactly he was doing, even if he struggles to come to terms with ted abusing him as a whole.

i'm also still thinking about if i'm writing a movie theater scene or not since that's where chapter 6 left off at. i also want to involve karen a bit more but i'm unsure how since we lost the original fic doc again and cannot find it anywhere. i know originally she was meant to have a scene with mike in the hospital where they have a heart to heart after hopper leaves.

this bleeds into another fic i have, though, so i might just steal a few things from that wip.

another thing i'm still thinking: how detailed i want the whole court thing to be, if mike sees ted before he's charged or if mike even testifies himself given he's 14/15 and i could give him the choice (that's an idea for karen, who fights for mike to not have to look at ted after being r-worded* by him, but i'd still have to decide if mike makes that choice to do it or not)

any thoughts would be appreciated if you read this far.

though i'm mostly posting it just to have it tangible to other people so i can think better (writer logic/rubber duck, anyone?).

*= our brain just refuses the word sometimes, non-con

[fnaflucasverse]

Assorted Mike Thoughts

been discussing/workshopping the differences between @fivenightsatfreddysfanfiction's mike schmidt and this au's take on him (thanks to @mangleschmidt for listening to me yap 😁) and i think my ideas are solid/interesting enough that you guys would like to hear!

WHY THE CHANGE?

i've pretty consistently struggled with writing mike for lucasverse. he felt too nice, too level-headed, restrained himself too much; or on the opposite end, too distant, too hands-off, too cold. it felt like i couldn't grasp the character laid out in parlourverse. theoretically, i knew what made pv!mike tick, his quirks of personality and his tone of voice, but i could never quite put it to paper (or google docs)

so, after another deep dive into the parlourblog looking for info and inspiration, something avec said made me pause. i think it was something about listening to your characters, letting them take you where they want to go, even if it's not where you originally thought you'd end up. well, i listened! and i think i'm pretty happy with where my mike and i are. hope you like him too!

AS A SYMBOL

lv!mike started really branching off from parlourverse after i started thinking about pv!mike's "guilt of the 6th" title. pv!mike gets it from being the survivor of the bite of 87, that guilt he doesn't know he has being compounded by the guilt of him failing the night guards under his watch. but it got me thinking: in lucasverse, mike isn't the (only) one with guilt on his hands, or even the one most concerned with the weight of that guilt—it's Lucas! lucas's entire motivations are fueled and driven by guilt, past and present. with the story i have, i felt it was far more appropriate to pass the title onto him instead.

this left me with a dilemma: if lv!mike doesn't have guilt, what Does he have? this had me pretty stuck. i ended up working on other characters, figuring them out, and occasionally trying to see mike through their eyes. as i did, i started noticing one common thread—mike brought them Hope! the gears started turning and turning in my head, and then it just clicked into place. pv!jeremy is the "hope of the 7th"; for reasons i can't get into (but perhaps you can guess), lv!jeremy was never one of the intended victims. but what if mike's strength to survive brought hope to others? what if he was the "hope of the 6th"?

this revelation kickstarted a new trajectory for lv!mike as i worked through the questions in my head: what does hope mean, in mike's case? well, hope could be something that he clings to for survival—getting to buy doll a ring, for example—but hope can also be something that blinds him from danger—seeing the best in lucas and trusting in him despite warning signs. okay, so what gives him this hope? perhaps a desperation to believe in a good, or at least, better life/living situation; a need to believe in someone reliable, a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. then how does it his relationship with others? maybe mike tries to be the best for them, goes the extra mile for them, doesn't let them see the worst so they can keep their own hope; likewise, he becomes reluctant to believe the worst of the people he trusts implicitly, the people who give Him hope.

i'd like to think that this isn't so much a rewriting of pv!mike as it is a shifting of the camera, looking at mike schmidt from a new angle. even jeremy could easily have the weight of guilt on him—sins of the father and all that—which is what makes this take on mike exciting to me. hyping myself up and all 😁

AS A PERSON

another hurdle i faced was the very real fact that environment around you often changes who you become, and lv!mike's environment was certainly significantly changed from parlourverse. the first and most obvious was the inclusion of lucas—he's in the au's name after all!—and his friendship with mike. you may remember a relationship web i made where mike has, well, kind of a "nothing" opinion towards lucas. in the moment, it was mostly because i thought the contrast between their opinions of each other was hilarious (it still is), but the more lv!mike developed in my head, the more it just didn't feel right anymore.

the way i see it: when lucas and mike met, they were both extremely desperate any sort of social foundation. lucas was just fresh off of scott's death, someone he looked up to and latched onto as a friend and father, and suddenly tasked with the burden of saving his not-quite-dead friends; in my backstory, mike was disowned for his relationship with doll, a late paycheck away from being homeless, desperate to secure this job after being turned away constantly for his disability. their relationship would've been awkward and rocky at first—overeager, passionate lucas and gruff, wary mike—but to me, it only makes sense that they would've seen each other as, really, the only friend they each had. they're a team: mike and lucas, lucas and mike.

this friendship would've changed them both, for better and maybe a little worse. in lucasverse's fnaf 1 arc, mike is definitely a lot closer in personality to his parlourverse counterpart. i feel as though pv!mike's prickliness is definitely enforced by his isolation from anyone he can really talk to or trust (at least before jeremy, where he opens up considerably and his edges soften). in lucasverse, i imagine that process happening much earlier: lucas's careful restraint helping to cool down mike's aggravated temper, and mike's sharp wit and judgement giving lucas a boost in confidence.

during the start of their friendship, they take cues from each other equally, though i think the changes in mike are more drastically obvious than in lucas. for one, lv!mike's relationship with the old fazband is definitely far less antagonistic than pv!mike and his fazband. while mike never fully becomes comfortable around them, i feel as though lucas's unwavering affection/enthusiasm towards his "kids" ends up swaying mike, in that "i don't really get or like this thing that much, but if you like it, it's gotta have some merit" way. (the rest of the fazbear fanboying is still weird, though.) additionally, i think lucas has somehow gotten mike to cut down heavily on the swearing. this is a children's establishment, michael. yes, even when the animatronics are around. they're impressionable.

by the time the fnaf 2 arc rolls around, though, i imagine the balance between them has shifted from equality to weighing in lucas's favor. it's not just that he's the (assistant) manager now, it's not just that faith is in the mix—mike trusts lucas completely. why wouldn't he? that's his friend: they talk shit during breaks, goof off after hours, lucas buys him a beer now and then and grounds him when his memory fogs. and mike is the only one lucas trusts to take the night shift now, with all these night guards breaking the rules, tampering with the animatronics or running off without a word.

when you become so used to relying on someone you stop listening to yourself. you become complacent. and when you already doubt your own mind, well... all the easier to let them help you out. you trust them, right? by the time mike meets jeremy, i think he's fully in a state of autopiloting his way through life. he's comfortable. sure, he's working two shifts, but that's just extra money he can save up to get out of this place, this town, this state. for right now, he's settled in his little status-quo bubble. keep hopeful for the future; don't think about the present. don't think about what you've been sweeping under the carpet.

jeremy is the wake-up call. jeremy is smack upside the head that tells mike to pay attention. jeremy is the tearing apart of status quo. jeremy says, "is this what you want to do with your life? is this the kind of person you want to stay as?" jeremy breaks rules to get where he needs to be, stumbles and shoves his way towards the truth, lights the fire of determination because it doesn't matter how much hope you have if you don't claw and drag yourself bleeding to reach it. mike's relationship with jeremy is a stark contrast to his relationship with lucas: jeremy challenges mike constantly, is a pain in mike's ass and lights a fire under it. mike both keeps jeremy at arm's length—a trainee rather than a son—but is still driven by him. lucas tells mike what he wants to hear; jeremy makes mike question himself, realize that the person you need to trust most is your own self.

and what if your own self is the one trying to keep secrets from you? faith and mike are so inseparable and yet they never truly meet; heads and tails of a coin that can't twist to see itself. it's honestly ironic that so much of their relationship is built around faith's Lack of faith in mike: not trusting him with his own memories, with his own body, with his own life. in a way, faith is the final obstacle mike has to face before he can become fully realized as a person. ah well, at risk of spoiling the story, mike and faith will have to figure out life without the other in some very traumatic ways. but i have... Faith in them. eh? eh??? was that mike-worthy? i'm writing this all in one sitting and it's 4am

and with this, i finally come to the end of my very long series of thoughts. if you're reading this, feel free to let me know what you think! send me an ask, dm me, join the parlourverse discord to yell at me there, send anon hate, whatever! ummmm have some bonus art of side characters i haven't drawn yet. see if you can guess their names!*

*fritz, iris the journalist, and scott. you'll meet the first two eventually! rip scott

[smaller-comfort]

Actually, do you mind if I ask you for more from the fic game? Because "gotta start somewhere" is probably my favorite of your SoS fics and I'd like to know more of your thought process behind it. So, I choose: ★, ✿, ϟ, and ♫

ahaha I never mind being asked about my writing. that's why 90% of the stories I post have such extensive author's notes on tumblr.

gotta start somewhere is probably one of my favorite things that I've written, and there's a lot of shit going on behind it. I'll try to stay on topic here, but if you want the tmi infodump about the setting, their characterization, and why I wrote it, I can post that, too. This is going under a cut because it's still going to be long, and I'm going to include some cut scene fragments from the scrapfile.

★ what was the scene you most wanted to write in [fic]? what was the hardest scene to write?

Pretty much all of my modern AU stories start out as little scene fragments that live in this giant, out of control google doc, so initially I wasn't actually expecting this to even *be* a fic in the first place. It was sort of just a footnote to myself- chastity devices are a recurring element because I think they're hot, but the in-universe justification started out as a way for them to work around Resh'an's anorgasmia.

So, it started with the post-coital pillow-talk after they have sex for the first time and Aephorul realizes Resh'an didn't come (why didn't he notice *while* they were fucking? plot hole, actually! but he's also kind of dumb). And that conversation is really the core of the story I wanted to tell- I wanted to establish some of Resh'an's issues around sex and relationships, and I wanted to get at that moment where Aephorul realizes his feelings. Everything else built out around that.

The ending was probably the hardest part, because I struggle a lot with endings in general. And it kind of goes back to the whole thing not really being intended as a full story; I wasn't sure where it was supposed to end in the first place. (I realize I say this about a lot of stories but this was also one I didn't think I'd have the courage to finish or post.)

The first sex scene was also very difficult and I put it off for a long time because I wasn't all that interested in writing it. It just didn't feel as important as the things that lead up to it or the things that follow after. I'm pleased with how it turned out, though- it's fun for me to read, at least, even if I didn't have that much fun writing it initially. (Choreographing sex scenes is always a little bit tricky, and I frequently shoot myself in the foot by overcomplicating things.)

✿ did anything major change when you started writing [fic] to when you finished?

The whole thing! That initial, central conversation changed drastically. It got broken up into two parts, which meant I had to write them having sex twice (oh noooo). Resh'an was originally going to handle Aephorul's feelings a little more maturely and not have a panic attack. The ending got rewritten half a dozen times, and the 'boyfriends' conversation wasn't supposed to happen until later on in their relationship.

At one point I had delusions of grandeur about starting the story with them meeting for the first time, and actually attempting to write a long, multi-chaptered, slow burn thing. (You can read some of that here, and also see the original working title.)

Here are some of the ending bits that were cut, and what's left of their original conversation in my notes.

----

(the first part that I wrote, sort of; the actual original got chopped up too much for me to put back together. i still like parts of this better than what's in the final story, but i'm probably not going to go back through and change it. no guarantees, though.)

warning for implied history of sexual assault

----

“No, I didn't come, no, you didn't do anything wrong, yes, this happens a lot. Can you leave it alone, or are you going to get weird about it?”

[snip]

“Look, it's not about you, okay? You were great. You didn't do anything wrong. It was good. Like…really good.” Resh'an's shoulders hunched in a little.

He swallowed. “Then why are you acting like you're mad at me?”

“I'm not mad, I just- fuck.” He curled up, burying his face in his arms. “The sex was great. I'm just a fucking headcase. It's not even about you, I just get- stuck. And most guys get weirded out by it, or they think it's a challenge, even when I say it's fine and I don't want to, they don't-” He stopped, and took a shaky breath.

“Okay.” Aephorul reached out, wrapping one arm around Resh'an's waist and pulling him close again. “Okay. I won't…I won't push. Okay? If you don't want to, that's fine. I just- really, really want to do this again sometime.” Tomorrow morning, ideally. And again, tomorrow night, and the following morning, and- oh, he was so fucked.

“Me too,” Resh'an said hoarsely, and Aephorul let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. “I was just really hoping I wasn't going to fuck this up so soon.”

Aephorul's heart did something painful in his chest. “Same, honestly,” he muttered. “I'm fucking awful at this most of the time. Not- sex. I'm good at that. Everything else, though.” He'd never wanted to be good at this. It had never mattered, before.

Resh'an laughed, a sharp, bitter sound. He uncurled a little, and turned back over to face Aephorul. “It's okay. I suck at this, too.”

[snip]

“I really like you,” he whispered, feeling raw and stupid and hopeful.

“Oh.” Resh'an made a quiet, choked off sound in the back of his throat, and curled a little closer. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He tucked Resh'an's head under his chin and held him close. “I really do.”

----

(post-story ending fragment #1- I wrote this before I finished a lot of the actual story, so now it doesn't fit in terms of continuity/characterization. I actually still really, really love this scene, though, and I'm glad I got to keep some parts of it.) (Aephorul's brothers' names keep changing on me. The two he's closest with are twins, and are maybe 2 or 3 years older than him.)

--

“I'm assuming, since you didn't even tell me until yesterday- you're not out to your family, are you?”

“No. I mean- two of my brothers kind of know. I haven't told them or anything, but- they know.” Aephorul sighed. “The rest of my family has no idea. Honestly, I wasn't ever planning to tell them. It wasn't ever supposed to matter- I was going to graduate and go to med school and then figure it out from there.”

“Sorry.”

“Huh?” Resh'an wasn't looking at him. “It still doesn't matter that much. I mean- I do want you to meet my folks.” He'd already been planning to invite Resh'an to spend spring break with him.

“But you're not going to introduce me as your boyfriend.”

Aephorul sat up. “Is that what you are?” he demanded.

Resh'an was covering his face with his hands again. “I don't know! Maybe? I don't…” he took a deep breath. “I told you, I don't do this normally.”

“I don't either. My longest relationship lasted three months.” And that had been in high-school, with a girl, and Aephorul didn't really think that counted. “Look. It wasn't supposed to matter if I was a fucking queer, because I wasn't supposed to meet someone who made it matter.”

Resh'an dropped his hands and sat up too. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means-” Aephorul rubbed the back of his neck. “I don't fucking know. I want to tell [name] about you. And if I tell him, he'll tell Mihail, and they'll both give me shit about it, but they won't tell anyone else. My parents- they're paying my tuition and rent. I can't risk that.”

Resh'an looked away. “I get it- I really do. If I could've done things differently, I probably would have.” He sighed. “You shouldn't risk it. I'm not going to ask you to.”

“I would. If you did ask me to.” As soon as he said it, he wished he hadn't. It was too much- even if it was true.

“I won't.” Resh'an shook his head. “It's not worth it.”

“You are, though.” Resh'an stared at him. Aephorul could feel his face heating.

“You don't…actually mean that,” Resh'an said slowly. “In a few weeks you'll get tired of this and it'll be fun while it lasted, but…that's all there is to it.”

“Okay. You know what? Just give me a list of all the people who've hurt you, so I can break their faces.”

“I'm starting to think you really just want an excuse to punch people.” Resh'an narrowed his eyes at Aephorul. “And, once again, it's a really long list.”

“I promise I don't need an excuse for that.” He pulled Resh'an into a hug. “Look, why don't you work some of that bullshit out with your therapist.” Resh'an groaned and buried his face in Aephorul's shoulder. “And in the meantime- I don't know. I like the idea of you being my boyfriend.”

“I'm not gonna hold your hand on the way to class.”

“Ugh.” He hadn't been planning to in the first place, but now that he was thinking about it, he wanted to. Embarrassing. “Whatever. You have sweaty hands, anyway.”

“I do not- asshole!”

“You know what they say,” he deadpanned. “You are what you eat.”

Resh'an flicked him on the ear again.

-----

(ending fragment #2, because it's cute and i love writing their general physicality with each other.)

---

They got out of bed and got dressed eventually; Aephorul finally got the tangles out of his hair. The coffee was cold by the time they got around to it. Resh'an was quiet in a way that felt fragile and skittish until Aephorul wrapped his arms around him from behind and just picked him up.

“Hey! What the-”

“You have no idea how often I've wanted to do this to you.” Resh'an wasn't that much shorter than him, but he was mostly spindly limbs and nervous energy, so he was relatively easy to haul around.

“Shithead, let me go-” Resh'an wiggled half-heartedly, but now he was laughing.

“Nope.” Aephorul swung him back and forth a little. “Not gonna do that. Forget holding hands, I'll just carry you to class.”

--

ϟ tell me what moment/scene in [fic] made you sicko in the window.jpg to read and i’ll tell you which scene made me feel that way to write

Tell me your sickos.jpg moment! For me it, uh. Was kind of the whole thing. A lot of it was me making a calculated decision to write the sort of thing I would've bookmarked on livejournal when I was 20, which is sort of why it's Like That.

Aephorul's panicked internal monologue at the beginning is so fucking funny to me- it's really just a lot of brute force exposition to shortcut some of that slow burn stuff that I didn't write. I didn't want to start the story abruptly without establishing that 1) they are friends but Aephorul is real weird about everything and 2) that Resh'an is an aggressively nerdy queer extrovert. I love how it turned out, though- and to really get the full effect, you have to imagine a completely expressionless Aephorul sitting there staring at Resh'an with this intense look on his face, while internally he's having a complete screaming crisis.

The bartender did not think they were dating. The bartender though Aephorul was a serial killer. Aephorul is only vaguely aware of how unsettling he is to most people.

I had to rewrite their inital waking-up conversation several times, but I was really determined to keep the "rain check" -> "Hey look, it's raining" bit because I love a goofy punchline. And it helps to establish Resh'an's tendency to retain and repeat the things people say to him, which is important at the end.

It's not necessarily apparent because it isn't something Aephorul is consciously processing in the moment, but all of his little panicked vertigo moments are him being so turned on he can't see straight. So those are all hooks for some porn of self discovery that I want to eventually write. (Resh'an is comfortable with what he likes, for the most part, but Aephorul has really only had vanilla sex up to this point.)

I really loved writing the interlude when Resh'an's alarm goes off; it's an important bit of character building for both of them, but I'm also just fond of the image of Resh'an scrambling for his phone in a panic.

Resh'an's panicked babbling and "but- I want it to mean something" still gets me whenever I reread it. It's the payoff for all of Resh'an's little skittish moments, and the reveal that the pining is mutual, and it's probably my favorite moment in the story. He and Aephorul have opposing character arcs in this AU; Resh'an starts out very fragile and full of sharp edges, but he becomes more confident and secure with himself as he gets older. Aephorul is very sure of himself at this point in his life, but you can already see the cracks beginning to form.

Figuring out how to include the sweaty palms bit was absolutely my most sickos.jpg moment because, as I've said before, I think I am hilarious.

♫ send a fic and i’ll make a 3-5 song playlist for you

ahahaha oh no some of this is just stuff I was listening to in college, and it helps to put my head in the right time period for the story.

Guster - Demons; an Aephorul song, because sometimes he really is that dramatic. There's an a capella cover of this song that I adore but I don't think it exists online.

Thicke - Lazy Bones; this is both of them, really, although theyre both overachieving messes. To really get the full effect of this song, you need to find the Naruto amv that I first heard it on back in 2004. (I am not attempting to find it. It's better in my memory.)

World Inferno Friendship Society - My Brother the Mayor of Bridgewater; kind of a deep cut, but this is a Resh'an song to me, and also a tangential setting reference

Something Corporate - Watch the Sky; mostly another Resh'an song, although it's really both of them to each other, and also one of my favorite songs ever.

Florence and the Machine - You've Got the Love; look I did say I was bad at playlists; I'm not out here trying to do anything original.

[zydrateacademy]

A Character Study: Dibbe

Some of my discord channels have "writing prompts" to help people drum up deeper thoughts about their characters and who they are on a baseline, day to day. So I googled some and found something... on Tumblr, no less. I removed some of the more milktoast "what would your character's favorite ice cream be". I frankly hate those kinds of questions because people read way too much into incredibly basic thoughts. Or no thoughts at all; "What kind of chair would you be?" Fuck off, we do deep thoughts here.

With that, let's begin.

The formatting is a bit fucky (the numbers aren't numbering) because I've copied both from a Doc and some Discord posts.

This photo: The first of Dib in Argo-form after I racechanged my old main. This costume was the first RPable outfit I had in my early days of ESO.

What is the primary source of inspiration of your character and what work have you put into changing things up and making it your own?

Dibbe is a culmination, a love letter to my favored gameplay style across my gaming life. I found that sneaking around gave me more time to absorb the world, and I usually end missions with more resources because I spent more time casing the nooks and crannies, not just going door by door and stealing everyone's pillows.

At the end of the day, when this topic is brought up my brain goes to Splinter Cell: Conviction, and how Sam Fisher was depicted throughout that game makes me think of Dibbe pretty often. In that game you can seamlessly switch between lethal and nonlethal depending on a second-by-second decision and pragmatism.

Beyond that she's a pretty original concept, and is really just my magnum opus for how I've operated in stealth games over the years. She represents the 'final lessons learned', while still being her own character with emotional outbursts. She's not infallible, but she's still a result of 20 years of rogue-ing gameplay experience.

What's a lie (or two) your character says most often?

Generally in public Dibbe will advertise herself as a scout. She doesn’t subscribe to the banner alliances, especially since Argonians are shacked up with Dunmer when the alliance comes along which she doesn’t agree with so her services are typically hired out to anyone. However she is rarely hired on in that regard as her albinism has really forced her to remain unseen to begin with. It’s very difficult to sneak around as an Albino, as when things go wrong people are quick to point to the one odd ‘creature’ skulking around the area, so she has trained herself to remain unseen in most circumstances.

She has to lie about other things as well, obviously she can’t just tell people outright she’s a thief. So obscuring that fact is probably the most common coverup.

How loosely or strictly does your character use the word 'friend'? How loose is your character’s use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

Friendship and love are interesting concepts for Dibbe. She shares a similar loneliness I do in real life, in that she sees a lot of her fellows as coworkers. I am not a thief in real life but I am a laborer who finds it difficult to find true friendship. Really, how many people at my grocery store would come help me move a couch? Who in my online circles would let me come roommate with them if I was to fall on hard times? Dibbe struggles with a similar issue, as very few people actually speak to her like a regular joe, but more of a kiosk for work and payment.

The matter of love works the very same way and is also a concept she struggles with. In her backstory she’s had exactly one true “lover” which ended badly. She’s currently dating someone via another player ICly, but she’s made it very clear that her experience with actual relationships is minimal compared to her other skill sets, social or otherwise. Even at her age, it’s still a ‘new’ thing to her.

How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just other players knowing?

Dibbe’s become more emotional in recent years regarding certain topics. A lot of her is actively true, she doesn’t lie terribly much to fellows in the underground as she usually feels that she’s among kindred spirits. So what she shows is typically fairly sincere, she only goes full mask up (personality-wise) when she’s out in public.

What is a dramatic change you’ve done to your character since you roleplayed them first? Minor retcons, personality shifts? Not in the way RP may have affected them over time, but what did you change because something didn’t quite ‘click’, and you felt the need to adjust?

Well for one, Dibbe was originally supposed to just be an Albino. When I started roleplaying her and attending some meet and greets, THREE separate characters meta’d her paleness and eyes and went with “I see that you’re afflicted”... I was still kind of on the fence about it but I was never contacted OOCly, people just kept assuming. I went with it, and frankly I don’t mind it overly much as it gave me more years/centuries to work with in terms of a wide open background. I’ve also been complimented at how well I hide it, but that’s baked in, because her vampirism was only ever a footnote to her complexity anyway.

Originally I had made her both a Dark Brotherhood and Thieves Guild member until I was rightfully informed that DB assassins don’t really go on “sabbaticals” or “vacations”, and in some fashion they will always be called upon to do some work. As Dib is my love letter to stealth gameplay over the years, I wanted to implement both of the franchises main stealth operations. Instead I split that concept off to the ex-lover she once had that turned her into a vampire to begin with, as well as a different alt, Sleeps-Under-Skies, my DB assassin character. Sleeps' name was also one of Dibbe's workshopped names before I went with "Honors-Silent-Steps".

Another thing that comes to mind is she’s a bit more emotional than I originally planned for her. In her earliest days of conception I wanted her to be a smooth, unflappable and suave Aragorn-type ranger (but a thief) but ultimately I think having her own occasional emotional outburst regarding some specific topics has given her more depth.

This photo: The beginning of a "vibe" I've maintained on her for years thereafter.

What’s an attribute of your character that is currently impossible to be presented with in-game resources? Be it looks, equipment, mannerisms. In other terms, what can’t you do ingame that has you resort to artist renditions, profile specifications, or verbose introductory emotes?

I try to keep my game visuals as close as possible so people don’t have to stretch their suspension of belief. I don’t typically RP any hefty use of scars or heavily variable body types. I once interacted with an Argonian player that was actually a behemoth, but that’s very difficult to keep in mind when they were emoting normally. Since it was an open event, I completely missed their original intro emote that had them duck and squeeze through the doorframe so for like an hour I thought I was interacting with a normal argonian. So I actively try to avoid that kind of problem.

So for Dibbe, what people don’t typically get to see very often is her tattoos. I like to think she has some nordic tribal body art across most of her body and tail. Sometimes you can catch it with the ingame overlays but the vamp skin “dulls” them much more than I’d like, and none of them really quite capture what I see in my own mind’s eye.

What's a hobby your character used to have that they miss?

For Dib this is heavily music related. I like to imagine she’s a decent throat-singer, and might have some experience with the lute. She just kind of fell off of it, is out of practice, but if I ever emote such a thing again I would make a note that she ‘recovers’ pretty quickly, implying that she once had some decent skill.

She’s also done poetry and songwriting in the past. A lot of her music hobbies have gone on the wayside as she’s delved deeper in the thieving lifestyle. She might still do some basic lute-plucking but it’s not a focus anymore.

Does your character give tough love and harsh truths or sugar-coat their advice? Which do they prefer to receive?

I imagine I might have the same answer as many other people here: It depends. I imagine Dibbe being able to read the room. Recently in her Guild, someone was wounded harshly -after- making some crucial mistake (not following the guildmaster’s orders). His wounds were not his fault, some magical item backfired on him. Instead of raking him over the coals right away she had the presence of mind to wait until he was lucid enough to actually hear her words.

So ultimately, she is a fan of tough love but will also try to gauge the situation so she can have a measured response.

What fact does your character excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

The “opportunity” is usually when asked about it directly. Dibbe introduces herself as Dibbe and also touts some alternatives like “Dib” or even “Debra” because it’s “not my real name anyway”. So right out of the gate people know it’s an alias. But what’s it from?

As a toddler, trying to take toys or things away from her fellow hatchlings, her first word was a combination of attempting to say “Dibs” and “gimme”, turning into a childish “dib-ee”. With little grabby hands and all. It’s a story she’s fond of, relayed to her by her mother when she was old enough to hear it.

If someone was impersonating your character, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

This question is very interesting to take on and took some contemplation. My first thought was her Nocturnal worship. In ESO’s timeline, she may not be the TG benefactor she would later become, but she’s still a very logical deity for career thieves to have so I’m sure an imposter could just hedge their bets and make an accurate assumption.

If any of her friends or loved ones caught any real oddities and decided to make inquiries, Dibbe is thinking ahead and has plans regarding her ‘fate’ in Coldharbour that only very, VERY few people know about at all. If asked about it, the imposter is sure to stumble and make up some bullshit that her mates will catch onto.

(As of this Tumblr post that plotline has been resolved but it's still something she keeps close to the chest in the event someone wishes to exploit it somehow. So it's still something an imposter would find trouble "knowing' outright.)

What's something that makes your character laugh every single time? Be specific!

Kids falling down. Dibbe could watch your kids fall over all goddamn day she doesn’t give a shit about your kids.

 What’s the most obvious difference between your character’s behavior at home, at work, with friends, and when they're alone?

Dibbe lives and breathes the thief life so even her home life is dedicated to keeping up with said style. She doesn’t actually change all that much when she’s alone. She might draw up some schematics, maybe try her hand at songwriting again, or pluck at a lute. Nothing that nobody hasn’t seen her do, it’s just rare.

What does your character notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?

Most people note Dibbe’s albinism. Pale-scales are a thing, they’re just rare. A fellow Saxhleel once noted to her, “I didn’t realize our people came in stark white”.

I like to imagine she looks at her mouth. She maintains some wishful thinking that her face had more expression on it like humanoids do. In lore, Argonians have a stereotype for being “emotionless” because their face doesn’t move and contort as much as more human faces do. Dibbe likes being an Argonian just fine, she just kind of wishes her face was a little flatter, maybe.

Who or what does your character love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone or anything)?

Dibbe’s mother comes to mind. Succumbed to wounds during their owner’s house war, so she didn’t live long enough to end up disappointing Dibbe in any way, so all of her memories of her mother are wholesome and positive.

I like to imagine had she lived, she’d probably still remain a positive force in her life. Would probably even support Dibbe’s then-burgeoning lifestyle as a thief as a way to ‘get back’ at the elves. The woman was probably a stealth operative or scout before capture anyway so her daughter getting into crime would likely not have been a stretch.

On a less heavy note, Guar. But similar to her mother, she has no bad memories of Guar, and becomes annoyed when she learns that any meats or broth were derived from the adorable beasts.

What would your character do if stuck in a room with the person they've been avoiding?

Hoping the room is large enough, Dibbe would just prefer to seethe in the corner and not interact with them. Generally, she’d keep her distance as much as possible. Depending on the situation she’d prefer not to be noticed by said person. But if they were alone together then Dibbe would not be the one to speak first.

What common etiquette does your character disagree with? Do they still follow it?

(No answer yet, I need to put more thought into it)

What simple activity that most people do / can do that confounds, or scares your character?

(No answer yet, I need to put more thought into it)

What subject / topic does your character know a lot about that’s completely useless in most circumstances?

Dibbe’s lifestyle is very specific but she is semi-secretly a poet (not that she holds it as a secret, it’s just not a topic that ever comes up and thus doesn’t volunteer the information) and sometimes quotes fictional (self-created) in-universe poets, especially of the Bretonese kind. In my mind, Dibbe is well versed in a few race’s history with poetry and how their poems have evolved over the last few centuries… But this topic never comes up.

How would your character respond to being fired by a boss?

In her current situation, absolutely heartbroken. This comes from two angles. She has a benefactor, a mysterious background mastermind type. But they’ve been forged in plotlines that few people will ever hear about, and exist as an alt of mine. I don’t really see any kind of scenario where the two would ‘have’ to part ways.

The other… I mean, I can’t tell the future so maybe I’d OOCly fuck up in some way that would have the guildmaster ask me to remove myself from the Guild but being exiled from the Illiac Bay Thieves Guild would be very disheartening. And ICly, highly demoralizing.

How does your character respond when someone doesn’t believe them?

Depends on the situation. By Dibbe’s own lifestyle, she is a career thief. If she’s in persona-mode then she actively expects people to be at least one little level of suspicious. However in more protected environments, she’s actually a pretty truthful person overall. So if she gets argued with about something she knows she knows, her response is: Annoyance and slight aggression in her wording.

When your character makes a mistake and feels bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional?

I’d say Dibbe would respond about equally. Nearly, anyway. Personal mistakes she’d take in stride, but she takes pride in her professional work so any mistakes she’d take more problems with because she should have ‘been better’.

When does your character feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it?

In some ways it comes down to vampires. There’s been plenty of lore precedence despite the origins of the curse, that vampires can be sane and moral. All your PC’s across the franchise can be vampires and you can be as helpful or harmful as you please, and there’s the whole Ravenwatch arc (which I know is under some debate).

So some of Dib’s guilt comes from how she knows, for a fact, that vampires can be good and moral and suffers some secondhand guilt when one after the other just let themselves succumb to the inherent madness of the curse. She was mentored through her own, and is currently assisting another player in dealing with being recently turned. She wishes everyone had someone, anyone, to walk them through the process in a sane and measured manner but knows that would require a complete societal shift and maybe even require murdering a god to do it. She sure can’t, so she also has a fair bit of realism that a grand majority of vampires will continue to be the world’s enemy.

If your character committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?

I’m almost voided out of this prompt as I play a career thief. If she were to ever do something literally petty, she’d knock over some market stalls. She’s not a petty person though, but it’s something of a daydream to give herself a giggle, not something she’d actually do.

How do they greet someone they dislike / hate? How do they greet someone they like / love?

Dibbe more or less just does the shun method. If she absolutely has to be in the same room as someone she actively dislikes, she elects not to speak to them when at all possible. But, she also can’t keep her mouth shut and will be compelled to correct anything she deems incorrect about the target’s thoughts, plans, and opinions. Just to make sure nearby compatriots aren’t tempted to engage in dumb ideas.

Obviously it’s basically the opposite on the other end. For acquaintances she’s fond of flicking her hood in greeting. She doesn’t make a show of greeting others so usually opts for a simple “Hey there”.

What is the smallest, morally questionable choice your character has made?

I had a hard time answering this one at all. The prompt that I ripped off google says “smallest” but I can’t think of anything THAT petty that Dibbe would have wasted her time doing. I can only think of the bigger stuff, like how Dibbe has certainly killed some people in cold blood. I imagine some Telvanni magister on his knees begging for his life and Dibbe just finished the job anyway. 

I’ve said in a previous answer she likes seeing kids falling down but I don’t see her being so petty as to put her foot in front of them herself.

Who does your character keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent?

First thought is any fellows in her Thieves Guild, but it’s not malicious. She likes surrounding herself with skilled operatives to further feed into her lifestyle as a career thief.

What’s a secret your character hasn't told serious romantic partners and doesn't plan to tell?

Nothing at all. She has about three major secrets that she’s fine with informing her partners about. Just not right away, naturally.

How does your character respond to a handshake or otherwise seemingly required cultural gesture of greeting? What goes through their head?

Dibbe doesn’t mind doing it unless it’s absolutely so alien to be offensive, which isn’t really a thing that she knows of. From handshakes, salutes, bowing… Dibbe will learn them all. Even having the knowledge of how to do various curtsy might help when she adopts under-cover personas when she attends noble gatherings.

What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did your character pick up from someone / somewhere else?

Dibbe is effectively an immigrant to Skyrim and she’s perfectly proud of that. She doesn’t pretend to be a Nord outright (I have another palescale non-vamp who’s all-in with Nord culture vastly moreso than Dib is), but she has adopted their accent and learned their language to the point of even figuring out some Thu’um (just a couple, she’s had time). She’s pretty quick to defend against the “nord dumb book hard” stereotype. All of that ultimately stops there. She doesn’t attend Nord meetings or browse their mead halls, more or less keeps to herself in Skyrim while dealing with the criminal network that she hosts. She still has plenty of love for her adopted country.

If invited to a TED Talk, what topic could your character present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

I have actually considered doing criminal-related sermon RP for my guild. Dibbe could absolutely host a two hour speech about her life as a criminal and her philosophies around it. It would be titled “My life as a Master Thief” or something.

What does your character commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

Given Dibbe’s advanced age she’s mostly grown out of this. Early on she had a very specific image of Dunmer and their culture but the further away from Morrowind she moved, the more her assumptions were disproven (and sometimes maintained). She has been under the impression that pretty much every Dunmer falls into one of the several main Houses, when in reality they have houseless farmers and laborers like anyone else. Dibbe is generally pretty open to new information.

Recently in her guild, there was a bit of controversy regarding the smuggling job they performed. Illegal courier work and rooftop hopping was one of the first things she did as a fledgling criminal, long before she started working up the ranks. To her perception, you don’t dig into a client’s goods because that’s a quick way to get a bounty on your head from various crime lords. 

However, through some errant magic detection, the crew discovered that the crates they were smuggling had a lot more in them than just tax-evading ore. Half of the crew was incensed that nobody thought to crack the boxes open to look. Some people did smuggling work in the past and got arrested because they ended up “accidentally” smuggling Skooma or some other hot-ticket item. Eventually Dibbe relented, and recognized that her experiences are not universal. Live and learn. Dibbe’s typically smart enough to absorb other information while still holding onto her own opinions (that opinion being people need to relax more).

What’s something unimportant / frivolous that your character hates passionately?

(No answer yet, I need to put more thought into it)

Is your character a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

I imagine I might have a similar answer as everyone else. Both, depending on the flow of the conversation. Dibbe has plenty to say, but knows when she doesn’t, so she doesn’t.

What gets her to talk? Things she disagrees with. She’s been a thief for a long time so when she hears some kind of bullrush plan, or if lethal force gets tossed in the air as an idea, she’ll typically spin a whole yarn and shut that shit down. If there’s something she knows a fair bit about, she will make that fact known in one way or another.

What gets her to shut up? Anything regarding scholarly pursuits. Dibbe is plenty intelligent regarding several topics, but one thing that boggles her mind is how mages can wax poetically with theories of magic and aether. It’s basically the “reverse the polarity!” science meme, that’s basically what she hears when some mage-affluent people start talking to each other. It becomes jargon to her, and Dibbe is quick to shut up and let the mages hash it out.

What belief / moral / personality trait does your character stand by that you (the player) personally don’t agree with?

I mean, I’m not a criminal in real life. Dibbe sort of represents my wishful thinking of the age-old days with gentleman rogues and highwaymen in fantasy. In real life, criminals are thugs and brutes and probably really never have been “romantic” beyond the occasional, old-timey anecdote. So generally as the player, I disagree with her all-in attitude with treading thief life like a sport. But that’s who she is, and I enjoy playing her very much.

What’s a phrase your character says a lot, and why? Is there a deeper meaning behind their consistent use of it?

“Shadows hide you” or its variants “Shadows guide your steps” has a few meanings for her. It’s not just literally saying “don’t get caught” as some may thing but it’s also her subtle way of wishing Nocturnal’s influence to assist in your endeavors. This is basically like saying “god bless you” to an atheist but she doesn’t care. It’s not just a thief’s calling card, it’s an actual religious dog whistle.

Does your character act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?

Another prompt where the answer is “both kinda”. Dibbe is very emotional, and shows that when situations end up directly affecting her somehow. But if she’s on the outside of a situation able to look in without any problems, she can generally absorb information before making her thoughts on the situation known. During an op, though, foolish actions will cause her to snap a bit and act against the perceived aggressor. 

 Who would your character believe and trust without question?

Right now this really amounts to nobody. Even if her lover came to her with problems or scenarios, Dibbe will absolutely ask some questions, but it’s more out of getting all the details rather than a matter of distrust. If her lover kicked down her door and went “We need to get out of town NOW”, Dibbe would certainly walk and talk with her, but there would be many, many questions.

What’s something your character is expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate? In another way of looking at this question, what kinds of stereotypes do they actively attempt to defy based on their hobbies and profession?

Oh this is a good one for Dibbe.

She tries to uphold the “honor among thieves” class of work. This is an interesting question because Dibbe is semi-secretly not all that concerned with lethality, but in order to maintain the “gentleman thief” reputation that she may have as well as other coworkers, she has to constantly butt against the more lethal members of her crew.

She does not like alleyway cutthroats and dumb, basic thuggery. She much more prefers the higher class of organized crime. Art theft, breaking into nobles castles and stealing their busts. Things that get the attention of the rich, so they know that they are not as untouchable as they think.

Unfortunately a lot of crime is more on the desperate side, and opportunistic. Some people just have personality types where crime is just the path of least resistance towards wealth. It’s a very common and typically very correct perception of criminals, and one that annoys Dibbe to no end. It’s why she pushes back so hard when her crew are too quick to draw blades on jobs.

It’s also why she dresses well and bathes. She put forth some effort to learn an Armory Golem spell so she could quickly ‘correct’ any blood or mud related activities, so that when people look at her they don’t see some dirty thug. Generally to the outer world she just wants to look like some kind of ‘scout’, dressing in browns to blend in with trees rather than something gray to blend in with the stonework of cities. When she’s in underground-friendly places, she wants to be looked at as a representative for a higher class of thief. In a weird way, she wants to be trusted in a lifestyle where trust is in short supply.

How many hobbies has your character attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?

Dibbe is kind of like me in this. If she doesn’t have fun doing something, she won’t do it. In the spirit of that thought, I don’t think she has actively attempted much. In earlier prompts I’ve talked about how a lot of her hobbies are related to music, because she enjoys it. So she hasn’t really been given many opportunities to operate outside her comfort zone and I’m not really sure she’d enjoy basic walks in the park or kite-flying.

She might have tried some art, but again like me, probably only accomplishes abstract stuff. While very interesting and neat, it’s not something she really pushes forward with much.

[spider-xan]

I haven't really felt like talking about my reworked old witch/wizard werewolf OC lately even though I have a lot of thoughts about him, which I have been writing down in a doc for reference, and have been drawing him a lot like I used to back in the 2000s, bc as I said earlier, it doesn't feel right to do so with everything going on in geopolitics right now when it's so trivial and a lot of the unexplored themes and plots implied by the mod before the game ended long before it was meant to that I want to explore as a more experienced writer and person would feel tactless to discuss in a fantastical fiction context.

However, my earlier posts about how I find a lot of autistic headcanons and re-imaginings frustrating bc they reduce autism to being a quirky hyperfixated geek with cute non-scary stimming behaviours and the weird ideas people have about what British aristocrats are like in real life - again, I think they should be dispossessed even more and guillotined, so don't take this as me defending their honour lol - made me think about how leaning into this OC's autism intentionally after realizing I accidentally wrote him as autistic back in 2003 before I even knew what it was just made a lot of things click into place, like, being autistic (though he wouldn't know it bc he was born in the 1920s and the main story for the original roleplaying game context was supposed to span 1941 to 1945) would partly explain some of his behaviour that would put him at odds with other people in his social class (and outside it) when he would be expected to be social and sporty like the typical aristocratic boy, but definitely has social issues, interests, and stimming behaviours that would be seen as off-putting and not something that can be waved away as quirky eccentric aristo antics.

And the thing I have struggled the most with in terms of making sense of retroactively is why he would leave a traditional boarding school as per class tradition to go learn magic, something he had to keep a secret, something that would possibly cause some degree of social death in his circles, but it occurred to me that it makes sense if he doesn't really care for arbitrary rules that don't make much sense to him and he gets bullied and ostracized by his peers for his autism already and they would be the same people he has to continue being around at boarding school, anyway, definitely still thinking about it.

[wallpaper-inside-my-heart]

i would love to whose perspective you had in mind for all of the spommy taylors version songs!!! unless they were picked solely on vibes which is also totally valid

Oh Anon you have no IDEA what you have unleashed by asking me this question! So thank you so much for that <3 and let's go!

(I have like almost twenty pages worth of google doc with assigned lyrics and comments for why (most of) these songs fit for them and in this playlist! I will try my best to keep this as short as my brain allows...)

As I mentioned in the original Spommy (taylor's version) post, the order that we put these songs in has it's reasons. So I will go through the different relationship stages and corresponding songs one by one. And try to briefly explain whose POV it's supposed to represent and maybe highlight a few specifc lines.

Colour coding the song's main POV:

Tommy

Spencer

both

(Song assignments under the cut)

small disclaimer: obviously we are talking about a fictionalized version of "canon" that is loosely based on/inspired by stuff they have mentioned in videos and their general internet personas. None of the thoughts I'm sharing here are meant as 100% fact or true "insight" to their personal lives. We're all just having fun! (Obviously we all agree on this kind of stuff, I just need to write it down somewhere, for my own conscience)

The Before Meeting stage:

You’re on your own kid

Anti-Hero

-> both of these songs feel super tommy-coded (the whole sexy baby/monster on the hill stuff, for example, reminds me a bit of the body dysmorphia he's mentioned in a few videos)

tied together with a smile

-> this one could work either with one or both singing this about themselves or the other imo

-> just the whole aspect of trying to hold yourself together while struggling with fullfilling expectations

2. The First meeting/Beginning stage

Everything has changed

-> both of them just being fascinated by eachother upon their first meeting

mirrorball

-> a theme for a lot of the more Tommy-centric POVs of these songs was inspired mostly by the aforementioned body image issues and also the fear of living up to his own or other ppl's expectations in terms of his own creativity etc.

(I'm sure others, like maybe Spencer, struggle with parts of these aspects as well, I just feel like Tommy has talked about it more)

-> also Tommy beginning to see Spencer as someone he doesn't have to "pretend" around

cowboy like me

-> both of them recognizing pieces of themselves within the other

3. The Pining Stage

-> this stage is mostly from Spencer's POV. I believe in Pining!Tommy rights as well, however I felt like these song examples just fit Spencer a bit better given the situation

gold rush

-> aka the mini denial stage, where he falls into a daydream of what being with Tommy could be like; but not wanting to let himself indulge too much in these thoughts

also "your hair falling into place like dominoes" sounds so much like a line that could be about tommy!

Teardrops on my guitar

-> the pining is now in full force, but sadly Tommy has a boyfriend and Spencer has to suffer through him gushing about it, while he feels his crush begin to grow more and more; tho he doesn't allow himelf to do anything about his feelings

you belong with me

-> Spencer's switch from the 'good ol' fashioned pining' to "Um, actually I would fit way better with you than he does! So why can't you see what's right in front of you and start dating me instead?!"

(tho he still doesn't actually voice this outlout, yet)

4. The Flirting Stage

new romantics

-> mostly as a set-up for both of their general attitudes at the beginning of this stage and for the dancing/club theme of Gorgeous

gorgeous

-> this one is actually splitting the POV across different parts of the song

-> Verse 1 is Spencer with lines such as "compliment/made fun of the way you talk" and "you're so cool, it makes me hate you so much" (also the last time the soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend is mentioned in the playlist)

-> Verse 2 by Tommy with "talking to everyone here but you" (which reminds me of his dating answer in hot ones; but if I start talking about my thoughts on that bit, this will get way too long) and also "Ocean blue eyes looking in mine" (literally about Spencer💙)

-> the chorus is first sung by Spencer, next one Tommy and the others by both of them at eachother

-> also "Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats… alone... Unless you wanna come along" is literally such a Spencer-coded line to me

-> also! if you or anyone wants to check out a fic of them with a slightly similar premise to this song, I can def reccomend Spencer vs Gay Panic by @soupy-girl 💗

I can see you

dress

-> with these two songs the daydreaming about the other and flirting increases

-> also I initially added this one to the list bc "flashback/your buzzcut and my hair bleached" are literally both accurate about Spencer lmao

i think he knows

-> I imagine the first verse mostly sung by Spencer and then the (pre) chorus by Tommy bc of lines like "He got that boyish look that I like in a man" and "Wanna see what's under that attitude" and of course later on"lyrical smile, indigo eyes" being about Spencer as well

5. The pre-dating stage

treacherous

-> I feel like this song has a constantly switching POV, in a duet sorta way. For example:

This slope is treacherous. This path is reckless.

This hope is treacherous. This daydream is dangerous.

but the bridge would be sung together, both deciding "I'll follow you home"

glitch

willow

jump then fall

fearless

Electric touch

-> I don't have a lot of notes on these 5 songs in particular, but the idea was basically them going from the insecurities that are still present in treacherous and seeing the thing that's developing between them as smth that just happened to them by accident, to then deciding to fully "jump into it" and letting themselves actually feel the excitement of it all in full force

6. The first few dates

begin again

-> the line "you throw your head back laughing like a little kid" fits both of them so well and I'm so soft just thinking about it

king of my heart

-> in the google doc I said that she wrote "Now you try on callin' me "baby" like tryin' on clothes" about this fic by @jovenshires and I stand by that

today was a fairytale

-> the whole first verse with "You wore a dark gray t-shirt You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess" also feels so them-coded idk

style

-> I think this edit of them explains this better than I ever could 💖

I’m only me when I’m with you

-> it's about the "Well, you drive me crazy half the time"-but still being eachothers comfort person- of it all

snow on the beach

-> another duet style song where they take turns singing the verse and then chorus together; "Weird, but fuckin' beautiful"

-> also! I must admit that I was heavily inspired to add this song bc of this fanart by @urmxotive! which is so beautiful and reminds me of the "I've never seen someone lit from within" in this song

7. Dealing with Insecurities while being in a relationship

the archer

-> both, but especially bc "I cut off my nose just to spite my face" reminds me of what I briefly mentioned with Anti-Hero

nothing new

-> me and katie agree that this song is 100% tommy coded, but I don't wanna go into too much detail since this post is getting way too long already 🙈

peace

-> another duet-style song for them starting with tommy in v1 and then Spencer in the chorus

new year’s day

-> duet again, in the same order as the last one

stay stay stay 

-> mostly Tommy's POV and him being relieved that Spencer knows how to deal with his mood swings

safe & sound

-> and this song from Spencer's POV about essientially the same "issue"

mine

-> themacceptance of their insecurities and celebration of taking on the future together

8. Good ol' estabished relationship fluff

call it what you want

-> similar theme as peace and nothing new, but leaving those worries behind from tommy's side

-> and also "My baby's fit like a daydream" reminded me of spencer at 1:43 in this clip ( from this video)

daylight

-> also duet-style; "Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town" reminds me of tommy ripping up his headshots

you are in love

-> I think Katies fic explains the POVs for this perfectly 💜

paper rings

-> "I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this" tying back into glitch etc

invisible string

-> both of them growing up in florida and also both being eye-ptach-kids?? makes me so insane when I think about it for some reason

sweet nothing

-> it's about the "You say, "What a mind". This happens all the time" and "To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it" of it all

lover

-> and, finally "Swear to be overdramatic and true" and "And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me" is literally them. I rest my case, your honor

So this post got wayyyy too long and was prob way more then you asked for, anon, but I hope you enjoyed my ramblings anyways 😊

I have so many more thoughts about some of these song choices (like Nothing new, peace, new year's day and several others) and their order, and also even more specifically assigned lines in my google doc for this playlist. So in case you or anyone else wants the link to that, feel free to dm me. Or if you have you're own ideas about some of these choices or are curious about some specifics, my asks are always open 🤗