#Originally i thought about what to write but struggled to put it on doc

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I kinda arrived at a point where I nicely and happily write stuff as long as it stays between me, myself I, but now I'm still in the limbo of wasting to post more than sneak peaks

[lavender-long-stories]

Writing Advice: Getting Words on a Page

With the 75k word count in November and 90k in August, I have been asked questions like how do I keep focus and what do I do when I get stuck. I am going to compile all the advice I have.

Over the last few years, I have posted 700k+ words of fan fiction and have been posting 3 to 6 chapters every week for the last ten months. This is not how to make your writing better. This is how to get words on a page. 

This is not all my original ideas. This is just a collection of things that have worked for me.

I am not sure I am the person to tell you how to make your writing better, but if people want my thoughts on that. I can make that post too.

When inspiration strikes, write like wild. 

If you have the time and you are bitten by the writing bug, keep writing anything while you are in peak form. You will thank yourself later when you feel like you can’t write everything. I have done the extreme version of this where I have a month (four chapters) written ahead of almost everything on my post schedule (you don’t need this), but this was really nice after I brunt out after finishing out the 90k challenge I destroyed myself with in August.

Write in little pockets of time.

You don’t need to sit down and write for two hours. Write 100 words here and 500 there. It will all add up. When I was struggling at the end of the 75k, I would just open a doc every few hours and write half a page until I got distracted and tried again later.

Change your font.

If you are struggling to edit or even just find yourself drifting while writing, change your font. It helps trick your brain into paying attention. (I like doing a mono font like Courier when I need writing vibes. It looks typewriter-y)

Take a shower. 

Not just for shower thoughts, being clean and fresh helps with focus

Get dressed.

I love being comfy, but something about getting dressed makes me feel like I am working and should finish my task. Extra points for it being fun. (Maybe cosplay a pirate or something.)

Move Locations.

Desk, kitchen table, bed, outside: changing location helps move you out of a brain rut.

Handwrite notes.

I take most of my notes on notion, but when I am struggling with my plot, I write out notes by hand, starting with what happened last and continuing from there, writing even things I know will happen. Then I transfer this to my digital notes so they are easier to move around in order, AND a lot of time, I add details when revising them to digital. Double power.

Always, always write down your thoughts and keep them.

Some of my most popular stories came from me rediscovering a 2 am thought that I wrote down six years ago. Keep a notepad next to the bed if you have to.

Change POV

If something is not working in a scene, maybe it is who you have reacting to it. Try switching POV. It helps you think of the scene from another perspective.

Watch a show in your genre.

I watch a lot of the silliest KDrama’s and get lots of romance ideas. Maybe I didn’t think of sending my character to a park or trapping them in a sky lift. Maybe I should add a stalker that sounds fun.

Take your bathroom breaks.

You should always drink lots of fluids and remember to take your bathroom breaks because the brief moment of walking away always gives me an idea.

Skim through the story and make notes on what HAS happened, not just what will happen.

This helps more with my style of having next to no plot outline. Need your next plot point and don’t know where to go? Remember that time they did x? Let’s build off that. This helps intertwine the plot without losing things.

Just read the story back.

You don’t always need to make notes, but sometimes just reading from the beginning can make you pick up on a detail that was unimportant at the time, and you may not even have meant to put in that could have a lot more meaning now. Then, you can call it clever foreshadowing.  

Explain your problem or the scene you are struggling with out loud.

It doesn’t have to be to someone. It could be a glass of water. This is called ‘rubber ducking. It’s a programmer term (hello, that is my day job). Restructuring your problem in a way you have to articulate it most of the time makes the solution come to you.

Try focusing on the scenery.

If you can’t get a scene to work open with the weather or how the floor is creaking under step, give the world a new feeling. How does the person feel about the weather or the temperature of the room? 

Can’t figure out what is wrong? Rewrite the chapter from scratch. 

Open a new doc and rewrite the chapter from memory. I do this a lot in the beginning of a story that didn’t quite hit the way I wanted it to. I will start the chapter from memory and skim the old one to ensure I didn’t miss anything important. Can’t do it from memory? Read a paragraph and write that from memory. 

Take a left turn.

Sometimes, if you can’t go any further, go back a sentence, a paragraph, a scene, a chapter, and just make a different decision. Turn left instead of right. Change how someone reacts to an argument. It opens a whole new lane to go down.

Excited for a scene that is in the future?

Write it! You don’t have to use it word for word in the future. Sometimes, you can copy and paste it in, and sometimes, you can just rewrite it, and you lose none of those thoughts you originally had.  Writing it might remind you of something that needs to happen first to help you get there.

Have more than one story you are working on.

I don’t think you need to be working on four+ stories like I do, but having something to switch to when your brain really isn’t feeling your main is a great way to keep you writing. Call it productive procrastination. This is the REAL reason I have so many stories uploading.  (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

Other Somewhat Related Advice

Context Switching

I work on multiple projects at a time, and I tend not to mix them up because they have a different vibe to me. It feels like stepping into each world.  If you are struggling with context switching between stories, I suggest finding a song or making a playlist that gives you that story’s ‘vibe’ and keeping a link to it in your writing folder or snagging a section of your story that captures the vibe you are going for and keeping it off to the side to reread when you need to switch.

Don’t edit the same day you write.

You’re not going to catch errors. Your brain is too familiar with what you wrote. Also, I recommend Grammarly or another grammar checker for all your missing comma and period needs. (Word, Docs, and any other text editor simply won't bully you enough.)

If you hate editing, don’t leave yourself with a painful amount of editing.

When people ask me how I edit my work, how many passes I take, etc, I tend to disappoint them. The short answer is one read-through (after using a grammar checker).  I learned a LONG time ago that as much as it would be nice to write a bunch of dialog and then tell yourself you will go back to add all the actions or write without quotes because it takes time, you will save yourself a lot of time and pain if you learn to write it correctly the first time and then editing won’t be as much of a chore. I have been writing for years, and I am used to how I write and edit. If you are newer to writing, give it another pass or two, but try to shift some of that work to the writing process, not the editing process.

Make yourself an editing cheat sheet.

Make yourself a doc or a notion of words you notice you use too much or common words you misspell when writing.  I usually make one when I get back and do a post edit (when the story has been up for a while and I get back with fresh eyes and edit it). Reading through your old work and find things that you don’t like or don’t want to do anymore is a great way to build this list and improve your writing.

Now go write.

Got any advice for me? Reblog and tell me.

[senblades]

Tell us about the planning doc!!!

thank you very much for indulging me HAHA

So I started writing the planning doc like. When I really shouldn't have LMAO- I wasn't busy right then, but I was absolutely about to be. Oh well! What's done is done.

The planning doc is, essentially, a full outline of all the plot of fftsr, told exclusively in dumb jokes and memes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Or, well, more accurately, a dumping ground for all my ideas in chronological order, marked with dates and some (emphasis on SOME lmao) of the confidant rank ups for Akechi and Ren.

I'll share some of the outline already written in chapters to get my point across: (UH MAJOR AND MINOR SPOILORS FOR FAITH FOR THE SECOND RUN- earlier chapters, mostly)

As you can see, not everything from the doc makes the cut. Sometimes things just don't work anymore, or I can't quite find a place to shoehorn it. I'm pretty sure a line showing how Sumire was struggling without a team never made it into the chapter- or, if it did, it was so negligible that it doesn't even matter.

Plus, I definitely hadn't figured out all the scene-by-scene POV's by that point. The "April 18" bullet point implies that scene might have taken place from Sumire's POV, but the final chapter actually has it as Ren's.

I also put all my Metaverse powerpoint slide intermittently as they become relavent. I'm not actually sure if this explanation ever made it into a chapter... I think Akechi might have implied it? But I don't think it was ever spelled out, since I couldn't find a smooth way to do it. Oh well! Here it is now!

There's also outlines of character conversations and motivations, as expected. The level of detail within the planning doc is VERY uh. Well, it's dependant on a lot of things. There are some major beats that I just hadn't thought of until writing the actual chapters, but some of the character-related convos that are more centred to the plot got written down pre-writing chapter 1

From memory, I think the above scene also changed slightly in the final fic. Sometimes what I write as character motivations in the planning doc ends up being VERY DIFFERENT by the time I get to the actual chapter. And, sometimes, the characters just run away with a scene HAHA

Speaking of character convos, some of my jokes in the planning doc made it, almost word for word, into the fic's chapters. Akechi hysterically wondering if Rank 3 is the "deepest darkest secrets" Rank Up is something that I wanted to immortalise lmao

As you can also see, though, not all of the confidant rank-ups were planned- Magician rank 2 is implied, but I didn't actually know what it was going to be at the time.

And then there's the confidants I didn't have planned at ALL:

(UH SPOILERS UP UNTIL CHAPTER 46)

The Tower and the Aeon are the worst offenders of this: I retroactivaly added the Aeon into the planning doc- an easy feat, since it coincides with the Justice, but just know that it absolutely wasn't there originally lmao. The Aeon came about in two stages, if I'm remembering correctly- I wrote the dream sequence where Ren didn't remember shit, but some vision of Crow was there and did remember, pretty much on a whim, and then thought "okay what if that kept happening though"

I think that descision was one of the best things I could have done lmao- it made October third MUCH more exciting to write (and, I assume, to read)... (originally Metatron was not a factor in the boys remembering- just some annoying headaches and visions. Shadow Maruki was also a last-second addition! While Ren was off galivanting with Crow, I wanted to give Goro something interesting to do as well. So! Impromptu therapy session)

Now the Tower... I did have some. uh. Plans, for cognitive Akechi right from the start; I can't remember my exact thought process for when I started cooking for this confidant, but I think I saw a comment on Throw Away Your Mask explaining why the Tower was particularly apt for the character it's used for in that fic, and thought "wait I can cook with this". or something HAHA I can't quite remember. (I was also VERY MUCH inspired by Marigolds and A Tale of Two Tricksters for all of that... (love those fics you should read them if you haven't))

All of the PT's rank ups are missing from the planning doc, too. I knew I wanted to have all of them as confidants, but I had no idea what their arcana was going to be, or when those confidants would start or rank up.

I unfortuantly can't share some of my best jokes from the planning doc, since I'm joking about MAJOR SPOILERS from future chapters HA

ty very much for letting me gush lmao <3 <3 <3

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

Hello! If it’s okay, I’d like to know your thoughts on the Trikoto theory (3+ alters). I think it’s a cool theory! And pretty likely, honestly. (Here’s a document about it in case you don’t know what I’m talking about. I didn’t make it, and I unfortunately don’t know who did, I just found it in another blog)(I really hope that link works lol)

Hey FF! I was wondering when you might send something in. Not the topic I expected, but I'm here for it!

I've definitely heard of this theory before. I can't say I know for sure where it originated, but I've always been under the impression that a blog called @bertrandcaillet started it as they're the first one I saw talk about that theory and they told me about it a while ago. They've since deactivated, though, so I can't really check with them to see if that's true.

I think the trikoto theory is interesting, and I fully agree with what's said on the document about how it would be nice if Milgram is showing a system with more nuance than just having two alters.

That being said, I personally don't believe this theory for a number of reasons. I'm going to do my best to explain why here. I do want to say going into this that while I do have extremely minimal psychology teaching (as in, undergrad psyc MINOR), I do not claim to be that educated on DID or similar struggles. So, anything that I say will be focusing much more on Milgram as a piece of media from a writing standpoint, because that's what I have much more extensive experience in.

I will say that I am very aware that most systems have more than 2 alters. That being said, I think I also remember from my psyc class that the average number is, like... 16? I'm not at my dorm right now and that's where my notes are, so I can't check, but I remember specifically thinking about it in the context of Mikoto and trikoto theory, so I'm pretty confident it's Above Three. That means that either way, it's not like we're doing The Most Common Number, so I think two versus three is largely irrelevant on that point.

For the sake of clarity, I'll be using the names in the doc (Akakoto, Midokoto, Aokoto), but I only personally believe that two of them (Akakoto, Aokoto) exist. I've taken to calling them Orekoto and Bokuto, but for this post, Akakoto and Aokoto it is.

At its base, my problem with trikoto theory is that I don't see a lot of evidence for it. Most of what I've seen has been talking about the implications of it if you assume it's true, but I've just never really been convinced in the first place. I'll just go through some of the main reasonings real quick:

The RGB Colors

I do acknowledge that I'm very much not a visually oriented person, so the color shifting is something I'm less inclined to notice. However, while the background of the room is blue and the train station and apartment are pretty green, I don't feel like there are ever really any red backgrounds (other than when the headspace becomes red as ooposed to blue). Because of that, I have a hard time believing that the backgrounds themselves contribute to the idea that there are three. I definitely think the red/blue coloration in the eyes and such are indicating different alters, but I don't think that specific fact supports there being three of them.

The Voice Changes

This might be a me issue, but I only really hear two different vocal inflections. I understand the point about there being some harsher (?) sounding vocals that don't have the growl, but personally, I still think the tone matches the one described as Akakoto enough to count. Similarly, the parts towards the end that are picked out for Midokoto ("I'm probably not to blame," etc.) actually sound more like Aokoto to me even if I do try to track the three voices.

I'm hesitant to go too hard in believing the different voices because to me, doing so would severely limit the amount of control Natsuki Hanae would have over the emotions he wants to put into the song. The vocalists in Milgram do a fantastic job at using specific vocal intonations to convey deep layers of emotions in their songs. I feel like it would be very limiting to only be able to use certain vocal effects (ex. growl) in specific places due to the limitations of the characters. If there are two, the two voices are far more separate, which gives more space for customization within the bounds of each voice.

This is also a little bit iffier on evidence, but there's the Es cover of MeMe. I don't know how much Yurina Amami knows about Mikoto's story and the entire video is in grayscale, so take all of this with a grain of salt, but to me, I feel like Es uses two voices here, not three. Notably, they even have a bit of vocal growl on the "switch" and on "split and half, make that heart beat," which are both squarely in the Midokoto tone. They do still have the two voice split, sounding a bit more apathetic and aggressive in the Akakoto parts and cuter in the Aokoto parts. To me, that signifies that there's suppose to be two voices going on, not three, but you could argue that that's just Es' perception of Mikoto, so it's not decisive or anything.

Mikoto Fighting Es

Yes, in his first audio drama, Mikoto is able to beat Es up until Kotoko stops him. Yes, that's inconsistent from what we've seen from Futa and also t2 Amane. I agree that that's because the Milgram rules only apply to one or more alters, and thus any others that may exist can get around the rulings. We saw this between trials, too, with how Mikoto (seemingly Akakoto at the time) was able to avoid being restrained despite his guilty verdict, likely through the same loophole.

(Side note: this implies to me that Milgram's system for restraining guilty prisoners is, like the protective barrier around Es, somewhat magical and isn't a physical thing. Thus, if we were to, say, vote Amane as guilty, I am fairly confident she would be unable to harm any other prisoners, as we've already seen the barriers are able to prevent her from attacking others. I still lean Amane innocent anyways, but I wanted to point this out.)

Anyways, I don't think that this is actually evidence towards trikoto theory because it works perfectly fine with just the two of them. Aokoto is the prisoner in Milgram and Akakoto isn't. This doesn't necessarily mean that Aokoto is the one who was fronting while the murder happened, though; the rules of Milgram just necessitate that the prisoner is involved in/related to a death. It can be indirect.

I think that that's exactly what Milgram is asking us with Mikoto. The question is, how do you fairly hold a system accountable? Can you blame one alter for the other's actions?

Milgram loves to complicate these, and I can see the appeal of a complication being learning about a third alter. Personally, I think it's much more likely that the route Milgram is taking is looking at how much knowledge the alters have about each other and asking how much Aokoto would have to know to make him an accessory to Akakoto's murder plans. It could go either way, though.

Some Bonus Points

I think the strongest piece of evidence brought up is the use of threes in Mikoto's design. Other than "they just liked it aesthetically," there isn't much of a counterargument I can make about it. My best one would be that they might be going for a "switching between black and white" type of thing, which would work better with more stripes, but that's pretty weak. I also had the idea that the first character of his name looks like three stripes, which might be a better or worse explanation! You get to decide, I have no idea.

The cake sells me less, though. It's true that Kazui's is a perfect 50/50 and that Mikoto's isn't, but that's because they're representing different things.

Kazui's is half and half because his song is called half, and it could also be a sign of how he and his wife didn't actually connect more in a marriage sense; they're still two fully separate people rather than being a unit.

Mikoto, if he has two alters, is still physically one guy. Mikoto is mostly sitting on the flower designs. I'd argue that the flowers are meant to show Mikoto as a whole: the connection point of the two alters.

That's pretty much all of what I have to say on the doc (in terms of the trikoto aspect, whether I believe it or not there's some good work done in character/lyric analysis that applies to two or three alter theories), but I'll go over some of my reason for why I actively believe there to be two, because there are some reasons.

Reason 1: The Song Titles

The doc explains what the meaning of MeMe is in trikoto theory, but it definitely still works with two, more obviously so. That's not evidence, though, because the trikoto theory has a viable explanation too.

I have no idea what they'd be doing with the song title Double, though. I guess it would be a play on somebody being someone else's double, meaning they're someone like them, which is no doubt part of the song title either way, but I think it's difficult to ignore the meaning of Double that means, y'know... multiplied by 2, or:

But that could very easily be a diversion and we haven't seen the second video, so I'd let that slide. However, that brings me to the bigger problem:

Reason 2: Upright Versus Reversed

AKA, the tarot cards.

Tarot cards can be read two ways, Upright or Reversed, based on the orientation of the card when it's placed/picked up/whatever. I already went over in my original theory (which is pretty outdated, I could do a way better job but I wrote that one literally first out of my milgram thoeries and I hated not having a good name scheme for the various alters) why I believe Akakoto to be the Hanged Man (Upright) and why I believe Aokoto to be the Hanged Man (Reversed).

I struggle to imagine why the devs would pick tarot, something that clearly has two meanings to it, when there are actually three alters. Maybe it'd just be to throw us off the scent, but it feels a bit too intentional to me.

Plus, if it was meant to throw us off, I'd expect we'd get a different metaphor/symbol for the second MV (as we have been with pretty much everyone). However, the association between Mikoto and "reversible" things has continued into trial 2, even before his MV has come up.

I say this because of his trial 2 cover song: Reversible Campaign. Funnily enough, I actually thought this song would go to Kazui before it was announced as Mikoto's, but then I looked again and understood why they wanted it for Mikoto.

My thoughts get confused and fight with each other

Very Mikoto, works for either two or three alter theories. However:

I just want to waver between black and white

It's turned me upside down

There's more that seems to paint Mikoto's mind as a dichotomy, not a... trichotomy? Is that a word? I don't actually know.

The Song Lyrics of MeMe

This is sort of an extension of the above part, but there are also definitely song lyrics in MeMe that sound like they're heavily implying two. Again, you could argue that that's trying to throw us off the scent, but some of them are, in my opinion, actively difficult to justify for trikoto theory.

Split in half, Make that heart beat

I cannot for the life of me understand why any of the three alters would say "split in half" if there are three. I guess if any of them were aware of one of the other alters, but not the other? I don't think that's what was being argued, though, sorry if I missed that.

I’m already the fake one

Little harder to argue this one because I don't know how definite versus indefinite articles work in Japanese, but saying the fake one really sounds to me like there is one fake and one real. If you were just having a moment of existential crisis, in most situations, I think you'd opt for "I'm already fake."

The Mirror

This is sort of the same argument as the tarot cards, but there's also the use of mirror imagery in Mikoto's MeMe MV. Mirrors have two sides and are a reflection. You could use Haruka logic and say that it depicts self reflection, I guess, but considering the reflection acts differently, I think it's much more likely that this is meant to show the two alters.

Conclusion

Hopefully this all made sense? I respect trikoto theory and I could easily be super wrong about it (see also: my original opinions on gay Kazui theory and police Kazui theory), but I've just never really been sold. It's possible my opinion would change if I saw evidence that I felt worked better for trikoto than... twokoto? theory, but personally, I feel like most evidence I've seen for it is still better explained by there being two alters. Let me know what you think, though :)

[julia-bunncat]

Shuichi's Love Hotel {LSE} | Amasai version

Hey, hey, is that a new blog entry?! Unbelievable… But yes, after a hiatus in my life that excluded writing or even interacting with people, I was finally able to build up the energy for a new little creative achievement! Over a year ago, I did this post here... And now I am officially ready to present to you the full version [so that my intention can finally be understood correctly], using my OT3 of course.

I'll make a little remark before I start, and give a commentary at the end!

The blue text shows the thoughts of the main character (Rantaro), just like in the original game. You can either read the text version below , or take a look at this google-doc [https://clck.ru/3Ehn5n] to check out the sprites I've chosen specifically for the immersive feel of the game. Both would be appreciated, as I've put a lot of work into the google-doc!

Go ahead!~

Rantaro: Monokuma said that once I get here, I have to act like someone’s ideal or else my partner will wake up in pain… Rantaro: Knowing him, I'm sure it's not just a bluff. I must be as cautious as I can, especially since… Rantaro: Shuichi... I must admit, I wonder what's behind his title as the Ultimate Detective. Shuichi: Thanks for coming, Rantaro. Rantaro: He seems a bit nervous, but so far it appears to be going on as usual. Shuichi: I know you never refuse to talk to me... Shuichi: But I must say that we will have a serious conversation this time. Rantaro: That look on his face… Rantaro: Hey, am I being interrogated, aha-ha-ha? Rantaro: Is this really going to be a classic detective-criminal plot, huh? Shuichi: N-no, I… it’s not that serious. Shuichi: And honestly, I don't want to hear the word “interrogation” again. Shuichi: It’s just… I just wanted to say that I believe it's important to be more open to each other. Rantaro: It seems really important. If I don't play along, he might wake up. Rantaro: So what exactly is bothering you? Rantaro: If you want to know something, you have to ask. I wouldn't hide anything. Shuichi: ...This is exactly the topic that bothers me. Shuichi: You and I have been together for quite some time now and… Shuichi: For me, that time is priceless. You always know how to support me, how to cheer me up and set me on the right path, but... Shuichi: Each time, I feel like I'm missing something. Shuichi: You give everything to help me, but you never open up about your troubles. Shuichi: Your bright beautiful smile doesn't bring me joy in return. It makes me believe it's all insincere! Shuichi: It seemed to me that there was some kind of connection between us… That I can also be a support for you… Rantaro: What..? Rantaro: Hey, Shuichi... Please calm down a bit, okay? Rantaro: I wouldn't deceive you… Our… relationship is important to me as well. Rantaro: It's just a bit complicated, you know? There are some things you don't… Rantaro: Suddenly, I felt Shuichi's tight grip on my sweatshirt. He’s pulling me closer… Shuichi: Please trust me. Shuichi: Open your heart to me. Shuichi: Maybe I’m a failure as a detective, but for your case I’m willing to try. Shuichi: Watching you struggle all by yourself is killing me. Rantaro: Shuichi, I… Rantaro: Now, I'm not even sure if it's all a dream. Shuichi's eyes were so piercingly intense that I couldn't tell where the limits of reality are.  Rantaro: I can't play along or dodge any longer. Rantaro: Honestly, out of all people, he is the one I can trust the most. And it’s not about talent. Rantaro: All right, I'll tell you. Rantaro: But don't write yourself off anymore too, okay? Shuichi: He-he, yeah, I’m sorry. I’ll admit, I'm a bit of a mess. Shuichi: I always get… a little more sensitive when I'm around you… Rantaro: My cheeks were touched by a blush for the first time… Rantaro: Stop. Hold on yourself, Rantaro, he’s a guy! Rantaro: Then shall I start? It’s about… Rantaro: Shuichi smiled resolutely… and prepared to listen to everything I had never trusted anyone before.

_________________________________

Now, let's get to the notes!

Honestly, in my personal opinion after re-reading it several times, text came out raw and short. However, I still want to share it the way it turned out, since it was the first time I tried my hand at it. Yeah, the drama here develops a bit too suddenly, but that's what most love-events were like, wasn't it? Shuichi in canon also had some kind of emotional attack and lost control of the situation, especially when the characters themselves were caught… active :'D I tried to both to keep that vibe of absurdity and not overthink it. It worked out, according to my friends, so let it stay that way.

The purpose of this text was, for the most part, to show Shuichi's ideal as I see it. They is still the same gender-neutral person ‘with a core’ who has been in a relationship with Saihara for some time and has been supportive and proactive in every way possible.

However, this ‘core person’ tends to hide behind their confidence/principles/beliefs; tends to show that they feels better than they really does. Over time, this begins to bother Shuichi. He feels that something very important is being hidden from him, and he can't continue to ignore it — either as a good partner or as a detective.

So in the love-hotel storyline, Shuichi finally decides to talk to this person and get them to trust him. So, I emphasise that you can fit almost any DR character under this formula, as long as they're not completely weak-willed/indifferent/easy-going.

I'm even thinking of writing a version with some more characters in the future (the same Kaito, for example) or I can accept requests. The formula and phrases will be repeated, but the outcome and context will change depending on the character used.

Going back to Rantaro, I thought he was quite fitting for the role of the ideal with a strong core inside and a supportive character. He was, of course, very wary at first and a bit confused... xD But it's assumed that in the realities outside of the Hotel, he and Shuichi have become friends and that's why he decided to tell him one of his secrets. Whether it's a story about the sisters, the previous killing game, or something else — you decide! My plan was for him to tell something else 👀.

BTW, I didn't plan for Shuichi to cry here, it's just that the other sprites aren't emotionally charged enough for that, so I had to choose the lesser evil. think of him as just holding his head and clenching his teeth.

oh, and how could I not make a joke about this and make a reference to all the events where Rantaro denies his gay panic? xD hush, dear, Shuichi's charms just can't be resisted, you'll have to accept it.

Thank you all for reading guys! <3 There will be a second post in this series!

[spider-xan]

I haven't really felt like talking about my reworked old witch/wizard werewolf OC lately even though I have a lot of thoughts about him, which I have been writing down in a doc for reference, and have been drawing him a lot like I used to back in the 2000s, bc as I said earlier, it doesn't feel right to do so with everything going on in geopolitics right now when it's so trivial and a lot of the unexplored themes and plots implied by the mod before the game ended long before it was meant to that I want to explore as a more experienced writer and person would feel tactless to discuss in a fantastical fiction context.

However, my earlier posts about how I find a lot of autistic headcanons and re-imaginings frustrating bc they reduce autism to being a quirky hyperfixated geek with cute non-scary stimming behaviours and the weird ideas people have about what British aristocrats are like in real life - again, I think they should be dispossessed even more and guillotined, so don't take this as me defending their honour lol - made me think about how leaning into this OC's autism intentionally after realizing I accidentally wrote him as autistic back in 2003 before I even knew what it was just made a lot of things click into place, like, being autistic (though he wouldn't know it bc he was born in the 1920s and the main story for the original roleplaying game context was supposed to span 1941 to 1945) would partly explain some of his behaviour that would put him at odds with other people in his social class (and outside it) when he would be expected to be social and sporty like the typical aristocratic boy, but definitely has social issues, interests, and stimming behaviours that would be seen as off-putting and not something that can be waved away as quirky eccentric aristo antics.

And the thing I have struggled the most with in terms of making sense of retroactively is why he would leave a traditional boarding school as per class tradition to go learn magic, something he had to keep a secret, something that would possibly cause some degree of social death in his circles, but it occurred to me that it makes sense if he doesn't really care for arbitrary rules that don't make much sense to him and he gets bullied and ostracized by his peers for his autism already and they would be the same people he has to continue being around at boarding school, anyway, definitely still thinking about it.

[zydrateacademy]

A Character Study: Dibbe

Some of my discord channels have "writing prompts" to help people drum up deeper thoughts about their characters and who they are on a baseline, day to day. So I googled some and found something... on Tumblr, no less. I removed some of the more milktoast "what would your character's favorite ice cream be". I frankly hate those kinds of questions because people read way too much into incredibly basic thoughts. Or no thoughts at all; "What kind of chair would you be?" Fuck off, we do deep thoughts here.

With that, let's begin.

The formatting is a bit fucky (the numbers aren't numbering) because I've copied both from a Doc and some Discord posts.

This photo: The first of Dib in Argo-form after I racechanged my old main. This costume was the first RPable outfit I had in my early days of ESO.

What is the primary source of inspiration of your character and what work have you put into changing things up and making it your own?

Dibbe is a culmination, a love letter to my favored gameplay style across my gaming life. I found that sneaking around gave me more time to absorb the world, and I usually end missions with more resources because I spent more time casing the nooks and crannies, not just going door by door and stealing everyone's pillows.

At the end of the day, when this topic is brought up my brain goes to Splinter Cell: Conviction, and how Sam Fisher was depicted throughout that game makes me think of Dibbe pretty often. In that game you can seamlessly switch between lethal and nonlethal depending on a second-by-second decision and pragmatism.

Beyond that she's a pretty original concept, and is really just my magnum opus for how I've operated in stealth games over the years. She represents the 'final lessons learned', while still being her own character with emotional outbursts. She's not infallible, but she's still a result of 20 years of rogue-ing gameplay experience.

What's a lie (or two) your character says most often?

Generally in public Dibbe will advertise herself as a scout. She doesn’t subscribe to the banner alliances, especially since Argonians are shacked up with Dunmer when the alliance comes along which she doesn’t agree with so her services are typically hired out to anyone. However she is rarely hired on in that regard as her albinism has really forced her to remain unseen to begin with. It’s very difficult to sneak around as an Albino, as when things go wrong people are quick to point to the one odd ‘creature’ skulking around the area, so she has trained herself to remain unseen in most circumstances.

She has to lie about other things as well, obviously she can’t just tell people outright she’s a thief. So obscuring that fact is probably the most common coverup.

How loosely or strictly does your character use the word 'friend'? How loose is your character’s use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

Friendship and love are interesting concepts for Dibbe. She shares a similar loneliness I do in real life, in that she sees a lot of her fellows as coworkers. I am not a thief in real life but I am a laborer who finds it difficult to find true friendship. Really, how many people at my grocery store would come help me move a couch? Who in my online circles would let me come roommate with them if I was to fall on hard times? Dibbe struggles with a similar issue, as very few people actually speak to her like a regular joe, but more of a kiosk for work and payment.

The matter of love works the very same way and is also a concept she struggles with. In her backstory she’s had exactly one true “lover” which ended badly. She’s currently dating someone via another player ICly, but she’s made it very clear that her experience with actual relationships is minimal compared to her other skill sets, social or otherwise. Even at her age, it’s still a ‘new’ thing to her.

How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just other players knowing?

Dibbe’s become more emotional in recent years regarding certain topics. A lot of her is actively true, she doesn’t lie terribly much to fellows in the underground as she usually feels that she’s among kindred spirits. So what she shows is typically fairly sincere, she only goes full mask up (personality-wise) when she’s out in public.

What is a dramatic change you’ve done to your character since you roleplayed them first? Minor retcons, personality shifts? Not in the way RP may have affected them over time, but what did you change because something didn’t quite ‘click’, and you felt the need to adjust?

Well for one, Dibbe was originally supposed to just be an Albino. When I started roleplaying her and attending some meet and greets, THREE separate characters meta’d her paleness and eyes and went with “I see that you’re afflicted”... I was still kind of on the fence about it but I was never contacted OOCly, people just kept assuming. I went with it, and frankly I don’t mind it overly much as it gave me more years/centuries to work with in terms of a wide open background. I’ve also been complimented at how well I hide it, but that’s baked in, because her vampirism was only ever a footnote to her complexity anyway.

Originally I had made her both a Dark Brotherhood and Thieves Guild member until I was rightfully informed that DB assassins don’t really go on “sabbaticals” or “vacations”, and in some fashion they will always be called upon to do some work. As Dib is my love letter to stealth gameplay over the years, I wanted to implement both of the franchises main stealth operations. Instead I split that concept off to the ex-lover she once had that turned her into a vampire to begin with, as well as a different alt, Sleeps-Under-Skies, my DB assassin character. Sleeps' name was also one of Dibbe's workshopped names before I went with "Honors-Silent-Steps".

Another thing that comes to mind is she’s a bit more emotional than I originally planned for her. In her earliest days of conception I wanted her to be a smooth, unflappable and suave Aragorn-type ranger (but a thief) but ultimately I think having her own occasional emotional outburst regarding some specific topics has given her more depth.

This photo: The beginning of a "vibe" I've maintained on her for years thereafter.

What’s an attribute of your character that is currently impossible to be presented with in-game resources? Be it looks, equipment, mannerisms. In other terms, what can’t you do ingame that has you resort to artist renditions, profile specifications, or verbose introductory emotes?

I try to keep my game visuals as close as possible so people don’t have to stretch their suspension of belief. I don’t typically RP any hefty use of scars or heavily variable body types. I once interacted with an Argonian player that was actually a behemoth, but that’s very difficult to keep in mind when they were emoting normally. Since it was an open event, I completely missed their original intro emote that had them duck and squeeze through the doorframe so for like an hour I thought I was interacting with a normal argonian. So I actively try to avoid that kind of problem.

So for Dibbe, what people don’t typically get to see very often is her tattoos. I like to think she has some nordic tribal body art across most of her body and tail. Sometimes you can catch it with the ingame overlays but the vamp skin “dulls” them much more than I’d like, and none of them really quite capture what I see in my own mind’s eye.

What's a hobby your character used to have that they miss?

For Dib this is heavily music related. I like to imagine she’s a decent throat-singer, and might have some experience with the lute. She just kind of fell off of it, is out of practice, but if I ever emote such a thing again I would make a note that she ‘recovers’ pretty quickly, implying that she once had some decent skill.

She’s also done poetry and songwriting in the past. A lot of her music hobbies have gone on the wayside as she’s delved deeper in the thieving lifestyle. She might still do some basic lute-plucking but it’s not a focus anymore.

Does your character give tough love and harsh truths or sugar-coat their advice? Which do they prefer to receive?

I imagine I might have the same answer as many other people here: It depends. I imagine Dibbe being able to read the room. Recently in her Guild, someone was wounded harshly -after- making some crucial mistake (not following the guildmaster’s orders). His wounds were not his fault, some magical item backfired on him. Instead of raking him over the coals right away she had the presence of mind to wait until he was lucid enough to actually hear her words.

So ultimately, she is a fan of tough love but will also try to gauge the situation so she can have a measured response.

What fact does your character excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

The “opportunity” is usually when asked about it directly. Dibbe introduces herself as Dibbe and also touts some alternatives like “Dib” or even “Debra” because it’s “not my real name anyway”. So right out of the gate people know it’s an alias. But what’s it from?

As a toddler, trying to take toys or things away from her fellow hatchlings, her first word was a combination of attempting to say “Dibs” and “gimme”, turning into a childish “dib-ee”. With little grabby hands and all. It’s a story she’s fond of, relayed to her by her mother when she was old enough to hear it.

If someone was impersonating your character, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

This question is very interesting to take on and took some contemplation. My first thought was her Nocturnal worship. In ESO’s timeline, she may not be the TG benefactor she would later become, but she’s still a very logical deity for career thieves to have so I’m sure an imposter could just hedge their bets and make an accurate assumption.

If any of her friends or loved ones caught any real oddities and decided to make inquiries, Dibbe is thinking ahead and has plans regarding her ‘fate’ in Coldharbour that only very, VERY few people know about at all. If asked about it, the imposter is sure to stumble and make up some bullshit that her mates will catch onto.

(As of this Tumblr post that plotline has been resolved but it's still something she keeps close to the chest in the event someone wishes to exploit it somehow. So it's still something an imposter would find trouble "knowing' outright.)

What's something that makes your character laugh every single time? Be specific!

Kids falling down. Dibbe could watch your kids fall over all goddamn day she doesn’t give a shit about your kids.

 What’s the most obvious difference between your character’s behavior at home, at work, with friends, and when they're alone?

Dibbe lives and breathes the thief life so even her home life is dedicated to keeping up with said style. She doesn’t actually change all that much when she’s alone. She might draw up some schematics, maybe try her hand at songwriting again, or pluck at a lute. Nothing that nobody hasn’t seen her do, it’s just rare.

What does your character notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?

Most people note Dibbe’s albinism. Pale-scales are a thing, they’re just rare. A fellow Saxhleel once noted to her, “I didn’t realize our people came in stark white”.

I like to imagine she looks at her mouth. She maintains some wishful thinking that her face had more expression on it like humanoids do. In lore, Argonians have a stereotype for being “emotionless” because their face doesn’t move and contort as much as more human faces do. Dibbe likes being an Argonian just fine, she just kind of wishes her face was a little flatter, maybe.

Who or what does your character love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone or anything)?

Dibbe’s mother comes to mind. Succumbed to wounds during their owner’s house war, so she didn’t live long enough to end up disappointing Dibbe in any way, so all of her memories of her mother are wholesome and positive.

I like to imagine had she lived, she’d probably still remain a positive force in her life. Would probably even support Dibbe’s then-burgeoning lifestyle as a thief as a way to ‘get back’ at the elves. The woman was probably a stealth operative or scout before capture anyway so her daughter getting into crime would likely not have been a stretch.

On a less heavy note, Guar. But similar to her mother, she has no bad memories of Guar, and becomes annoyed when she learns that any meats or broth were derived from the adorable beasts.

What would your character do if stuck in a room with the person they've been avoiding?

Hoping the room is large enough, Dibbe would just prefer to seethe in the corner and not interact with them. Generally, she’d keep her distance as much as possible. Depending on the situation she’d prefer not to be noticed by said person. But if they were alone together then Dibbe would not be the one to speak first.

What common etiquette does your character disagree with? Do they still follow it?

(No answer yet, I need to put more thought into it)

What simple activity that most people do / can do that confounds, or scares your character?

(No answer yet, I need to put more thought into it)

What subject / topic does your character know a lot about that’s completely useless in most circumstances?

Dibbe’s lifestyle is very specific but she is semi-secretly a poet (not that she holds it as a secret, it’s just not a topic that ever comes up and thus doesn’t volunteer the information) and sometimes quotes fictional (self-created) in-universe poets, especially of the Bretonese kind. In my mind, Dibbe is well versed in a few race’s history with poetry and how their poems have evolved over the last few centuries… But this topic never comes up.

How would your character respond to being fired by a boss?

In her current situation, absolutely heartbroken. This comes from two angles. She has a benefactor, a mysterious background mastermind type. But they’ve been forged in plotlines that few people will ever hear about, and exist as an alt of mine. I don’t really see any kind of scenario where the two would ‘have’ to part ways.

The other… I mean, I can’t tell the future so maybe I’d OOCly fuck up in some way that would have the guildmaster ask me to remove myself from the Guild but being exiled from the Illiac Bay Thieves Guild would be very disheartening. And ICly, highly demoralizing.

How does your character respond when someone doesn’t believe them?

Depends on the situation. By Dibbe’s own lifestyle, she is a career thief. If she’s in persona-mode then she actively expects people to be at least one little level of suspicious. However in more protected environments, she’s actually a pretty truthful person overall. So if she gets argued with about something she knows she knows, her response is: Annoyance and slight aggression in her wording.

When your character makes a mistake and feels bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional?

I’d say Dibbe would respond about equally. Nearly, anyway. Personal mistakes she’d take in stride, but she takes pride in her professional work so any mistakes she’d take more problems with because she should have ‘been better’.

When does your character feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it?

In some ways it comes down to vampires. There’s been plenty of lore precedence despite the origins of the curse, that vampires can be sane and moral. All your PC’s across the franchise can be vampires and you can be as helpful or harmful as you please, and there’s the whole Ravenwatch arc (which I know is under some debate).

So some of Dib’s guilt comes from how she knows, for a fact, that vampires can be good and moral and suffers some secondhand guilt when one after the other just let themselves succumb to the inherent madness of the curse. She was mentored through her own, and is currently assisting another player in dealing with being recently turned. She wishes everyone had someone, anyone, to walk them through the process in a sane and measured manner but knows that would require a complete societal shift and maybe even require murdering a god to do it. She sure can’t, so she also has a fair bit of realism that a grand majority of vampires will continue to be the world’s enemy.

If your character committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?

I’m almost voided out of this prompt as I play a career thief. If she were to ever do something literally petty, she’d knock over some market stalls. She’s not a petty person though, but it’s something of a daydream to give herself a giggle, not something she’d actually do.

How do they greet someone they dislike / hate? How do they greet someone they like / love?

Dibbe more or less just does the shun method. If she absolutely has to be in the same room as someone she actively dislikes, she elects not to speak to them when at all possible. But, she also can’t keep her mouth shut and will be compelled to correct anything she deems incorrect about the target’s thoughts, plans, and opinions. Just to make sure nearby compatriots aren’t tempted to engage in dumb ideas.

Obviously it’s basically the opposite on the other end. For acquaintances she’s fond of flicking her hood in greeting. She doesn’t make a show of greeting others so usually opts for a simple “Hey there”.

What is the smallest, morally questionable choice your character has made?

I had a hard time answering this one at all. The prompt that I ripped off google says “smallest” but I can’t think of anything THAT petty that Dibbe would have wasted her time doing. I can only think of the bigger stuff, like how Dibbe has certainly killed some people in cold blood. I imagine some Telvanni magister on his knees begging for his life and Dibbe just finished the job anyway. 

I’ve said in a previous answer she likes seeing kids falling down but I don’t see her being so petty as to put her foot in front of them herself.

Who does your character keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent?

First thought is any fellows in her Thieves Guild, but it’s not malicious. She likes surrounding herself with skilled operatives to further feed into her lifestyle as a career thief.

What’s a secret your character hasn't told serious romantic partners and doesn't plan to tell?

Nothing at all. She has about three major secrets that she’s fine with informing her partners about. Just not right away, naturally.

How does your character respond to a handshake or otherwise seemingly required cultural gesture of greeting? What goes through their head?

Dibbe doesn’t mind doing it unless it’s absolutely so alien to be offensive, which isn’t really a thing that she knows of. From handshakes, salutes, bowing… Dibbe will learn them all. Even having the knowledge of how to do various curtsy might help when she adopts under-cover personas when she attends noble gatherings.

What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did your character pick up from someone / somewhere else?

Dibbe is effectively an immigrant to Skyrim and she’s perfectly proud of that. She doesn’t pretend to be a Nord outright (I have another palescale non-vamp who’s all-in with Nord culture vastly moreso than Dib is), but she has adopted their accent and learned their language to the point of even figuring out some Thu’um (just a couple, she’s had time). She’s pretty quick to defend against the “nord dumb book hard” stereotype. All of that ultimately stops there. She doesn’t attend Nord meetings or browse their mead halls, more or less keeps to herself in Skyrim while dealing with the criminal network that she hosts. She still has plenty of love for her adopted country.

If invited to a TED Talk, what topic could your character present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

I have actually considered doing criminal-related sermon RP for my guild. Dibbe could absolutely host a two hour speech about her life as a criminal and her philosophies around it. It would be titled “My life as a Master Thief” or something.

What does your character commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

Given Dibbe’s advanced age she’s mostly grown out of this. Early on she had a very specific image of Dunmer and their culture but the further away from Morrowind she moved, the more her assumptions were disproven (and sometimes maintained). She has been under the impression that pretty much every Dunmer falls into one of the several main Houses, when in reality they have houseless farmers and laborers like anyone else. Dibbe is generally pretty open to new information.

Recently in her guild, there was a bit of controversy regarding the smuggling job they performed. Illegal courier work and rooftop hopping was one of the first things she did as a fledgling criminal, long before she started working up the ranks. To her perception, you don’t dig into a client’s goods because that’s a quick way to get a bounty on your head from various crime lords. 

However, through some errant magic detection, the crew discovered that the crates they were smuggling had a lot more in them than just tax-evading ore. Half of the crew was incensed that nobody thought to crack the boxes open to look. Some people did smuggling work in the past and got arrested because they ended up “accidentally” smuggling Skooma or some other hot-ticket item. Eventually Dibbe relented, and recognized that her experiences are not universal. Live and learn. Dibbe’s typically smart enough to absorb other information while still holding onto her own opinions (that opinion being people need to relax more).

What’s something unimportant / frivolous that your character hates passionately?

(No answer yet, I need to put more thought into it)

Is your character a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

I imagine I might have a similar answer as everyone else. Both, depending on the flow of the conversation. Dibbe has plenty to say, but knows when she doesn’t, so she doesn’t.

What gets her to talk? Things she disagrees with. She’s been a thief for a long time so when she hears some kind of bullrush plan, or if lethal force gets tossed in the air as an idea, she’ll typically spin a whole yarn and shut that shit down. If there’s something she knows a fair bit about, she will make that fact known in one way or another.

What gets her to shut up? Anything regarding scholarly pursuits. Dibbe is plenty intelligent regarding several topics, but one thing that boggles her mind is how mages can wax poetically with theories of magic and aether. It’s basically the “reverse the polarity!” science meme, that’s basically what she hears when some mage-affluent people start talking to each other. It becomes jargon to her, and Dibbe is quick to shut up and let the mages hash it out.

What belief / moral / personality trait does your character stand by that you (the player) personally don’t agree with?

I mean, I’m not a criminal in real life. Dibbe sort of represents my wishful thinking of the age-old days with gentleman rogues and highwaymen in fantasy. In real life, criminals are thugs and brutes and probably really never have been “romantic” beyond the occasional, old-timey anecdote. So generally as the player, I disagree with her all-in attitude with treading thief life like a sport. But that’s who she is, and I enjoy playing her very much.

What’s a phrase your character says a lot, and why? Is there a deeper meaning behind their consistent use of it?

“Shadows hide you” or its variants “Shadows guide your steps” has a few meanings for her. It’s not just literally saying “don’t get caught” as some may thing but it’s also her subtle way of wishing Nocturnal’s influence to assist in your endeavors. This is basically like saying “god bless you” to an atheist but she doesn’t care. It’s not just a thief’s calling card, it’s an actual religious dog whistle.

Does your character act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?

Another prompt where the answer is “both kinda”. Dibbe is very emotional, and shows that when situations end up directly affecting her somehow. But if she’s on the outside of a situation able to look in without any problems, she can generally absorb information before making her thoughts on the situation known. During an op, though, foolish actions will cause her to snap a bit and act against the perceived aggressor. 

 Who would your character believe and trust without question?

Right now this really amounts to nobody. Even if her lover came to her with problems or scenarios, Dibbe will absolutely ask some questions, but it’s more out of getting all the details rather than a matter of distrust. If her lover kicked down her door and went “We need to get out of town NOW”, Dibbe would certainly walk and talk with her, but there would be many, many questions.

What’s something your character is expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate? In another way of looking at this question, what kinds of stereotypes do they actively attempt to defy based on their hobbies and profession?

Oh this is a good one for Dibbe.

She tries to uphold the “honor among thieves” class of work. This is an interesting question because Dibbe is semi-secretly not all that concerned with lethality, but in order to maintain the “gentleman thief” reputation that she may have as well as other coworkers, she has to constantly butt against the more lethal members of her crew.

She does not like alleyway cutthroats and dumb, basic thuggery. She much more prefers the higher class of organized crime. Art theft, breaking into nobles castles and stealing their busts. Things that get the attention of the rich, so they know that they are not as untouchable as they think.

Unfortunately a lot of crime is more on the desperate side, and opportunistic. Some people just have personality types where crime is just the path of least resistance towards wealth. It’s a very common and typically very correct perception of criminals, and one that annoys Dibbe to no end. It’s why she pushes back so hard when her crew are too quick to draw blades on jobs.

It’s also why she dresses well and bathes. She put forth some effort to learn an Armory Golem spell so she could quickly ‘correct’ any blood or mud related activities, so that when people look at her they don’t see some dirty thug. Generally to the outer world she just wants to look like some kind of ‘scout’, dressing in browns to blend in with trees rather than something gray to blend in with the stonework of cities. When she’s in underground-friendly places, she wants to be looked at as a representative for a higher class of thief. In a weird way, she wants to be trusted in a lifestyle where trust is in short supply.

How many hobbies has your character attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?

Dibbe is kind of like me in this. If she doesn’t have fun doing something, she won’t do it. In the spirit of that thought, I don’t think she has actively attempted much. In earlier prompts I’ve talked about how a lot of her hobbies are related to music, because she enjoys it. So she hasn’t really been given many opportunities to operate outside her comfort zone and I’m not really sure she’d enjoy basic walks in the park or kite-flying.

She might have tried some art, but again like me, probably only accomplishes abstract stuff. While very interesting and neat, it’s not something she really pushes forward with much.

[letstalkwhump]

Let's Talk Whump No.15

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community! I’m Malice and I’ll be your host today. 

Here today to talk all things whumpy is the fabulous @actress4him!

We’re thrilled to have you here, @actress4him! Let’s start with a non-whump fact or two about yourself!

I go by Jada! I’m a mom of two girls, ages 6 and 8, and it’s a blast watching them play all the whumpy things we did as children and wondering if they’ll grow up to be whumpers, too. When I’m not writing, I enjoy creating cosplay, occasionally drawing, and going on adventures with my family.

Let’s get straight to the point! What does the term whump mean to you? 

Anything where the character goes through a hard time, physically or emotionally, or ideally, both! And we’re actually allowed to focus on it and see the beginning, middle, and aftermath.

And how did you find the whump community? Anything specific that made you want to join?

It all started on fanfiction.net with the hurt/comfort tag, then led to AO3, where I learned of Bad Things Happen Bingo and first started seeing the term whump. That prompted me to create a Tumblr account, so that I could participate in all these whump events I was hearing about, and the rest is history!

Has your view on whump changed since you joined? Maybe your choice of OC vs Fandom?

When I first joined I was solely writing fanfiction, though I did write a series with an OC 

insert, and I had been writing original stories for most of my life. It took a bit of time and seeing how well other people’s OCs were received on Tumblr to get the courage to go back to writing my own characters and universes. 

And now everyone’s favourite bit: let’s talk whump tropes! Do you have nay particular favourites?

Lady whump, if that counts as a trope! Also captivity whump, restraints of any kind, especially gags/muzzles and stress positions, using whumpees against each other, playing on fears, whipping, stabbing, touch-aversion, even better when combined with touch-starvation…I could go on.

They’ve all got to be in my top favs too! Do you mind sharing a couple of your favourite pieces that you’ve written?

Oh my, that’s hard to decide. If I’m allowed to pick two, I’d first say Again, the opening piece for my series Obsession. The writing muse was just flowing that day and I always liked the way that one turned out.

Then from my favorite series, The Shadow of Death, my other favorite piece is I Will Punish Your Friend for Your Failure. That was a bingo prompt that I had way too much fun writing, there’s just so much pain all around for both the characters and so much angst to go along with it!

Damn, I love the lady whump in“Again”! So good. Do you mind sharing what your writing routine looks like?

I do most of my writing at night after my kids are in bed, usually between 10-11pm. I also sneak in writing time while they’re in dance class, though I do more rp during the day than personal writing. I have been known to get struck with a certain sentence that I don’t want to forget and quickly open Google Docs on my phone to add it, but most of the time I need to sit down with my laptop and get the words flowing to get much done.

And is there an easy thing for you to write? Or something you struggle with writing? 

Dialogue usually comes easily to me, especially when characters get angry. That seems to be when they have a tendency to take over the plot and do whatever they want! 

My biggest writing struggle is battle scenes, which is unfortunate considering the number of characters I’ve created that need to have physical fights fairly often. 

GIve us a sneak peak! Is there anything you're working on at the moment? 

Currently I’m putting the most work into the Soldier Boy AU with my OC Kamaria. I’m not entirely sure how it’s going to end yet, since it started out as a simple idea that I thought would only take 2-3 parts and I’m now on part 6, but it’s been a fun ride so far. 

I’ve also been having fun brainstorming, role playing, and writing a bit of Kamaria’s Royal AU, and am hoping that my brain will let me write another chapter of Liliana’s story sometime soon.

Is there any writing advice you’d like to share?

For me, what works best against writer’s block is having multiple series/WIPs so that I can bounce around to whatever is inspiring me at the moment. It’s when I try to force myself to write something that I’m not feeling that I start getting stuck and bored. And when the block still hits, I do a lot of reading - of others’ works and my own old ones! - and roleplaying and brainstorming with friends and searching for prompts to get inspired again. Most of all, though, just be patient with yourself when the muse is in hiding! It’ll come back eventually. 

Finally, shout-out time! Let’s hype some people up!

Shout out to @painful-pooch for being my best online friend and brainstorm partner and for bringing her OC Bruno into existence!

Also to @aprilwaters and @sableflynn for being so welcoming when I was first finding my way in the whump community, and to these fantastic people for being my ongoing rp partners:

@inscrutable-shadow

@peaches-and-dumbs

@ocean-blue-whump

@crash-bump-bring-the-whump

@whumpy-arts-and-crafts

And to everyone else on the Slices of Whump Discord server for making it a great place to hang out!

Anything you'd like to add?

Thanks for this interview, it was fun! And to anyone reading, I love chatting whump and meeting new people who share the same interests, so feel free to stop by my blog and say hello anytime!

Thanks so much for joining us today, @actress4him!

And to all you lovely folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[transmonstera]

In regards to your posts about ao3 and how vile it is in actuality, I wanna say thank you. I've not put much thought into the website I've been using but this has put things into perspective. I no longer want my work (work that I am proud of) on a website like that. Ao3 doesn't align with my values and I'm assuming many other people's who use the site.

Do you have any suggestions on a better site everyone can use?

(Side note: I absolutely adore your work!)

sure thing!

while there are no websites quite like ao3 in terms of filtering, curation, bookmarks, likes/comments etc there are a few alternatives out there!

Wattpad - I know people make fun of this one because it's where all the rpf for bands went back in the day but it is still operating and many people use it so you'll likely just switch viewers from ao3 to wattpad pretty seamlessly

Tumblr - you can always post directly on here! there is a character limit i believe of 4k so it's great for showing previews or even cutting up a small fic into parts 1, 2, 3, etc. a little clunky but it's an option if you only write short stuff! (Twitter threads can even be an option for this though again, a lil restrictive and works better for super short works!)

Google Docs + Linktree - if you have a linktree account you can always just link a view only (make sure people can't edit!) google doc of the fic! having the fics on a linktree still give people the ability to see all of your work in one place, and you can even see on linktree the click statistics for each fic! while it doesn't give the reader the ability to like/comment, you can always encourage those who do like it to leave a message on your tumblr!

Discord (or any groupchat tbh!) - similar to above you can always set up a discord server and post your fics view docs links there! it gives a curated experience and you can see the comments of people directly in the server

AO3 has seemingly made people believe that each and everyone one of their fan creations must be thrown out into the void where you hope everyone sees it and loves it. I think this has really stifled people's abilities to truly be creative in terms of making content of their favourite medias (and even with transitioning to making original work!) because you may subconsciously be adhering the current trends and whatnot of everyone else, even if you don't really like it yourself! I mean look at how common modern/high school aus still are today when I have yet to meet anyone who actually likes them. Look at how many books that have been published lately that painfully follow AO3 tag systems, where they don't even havea blurb anymore and instead just have "friends to lovers meet blah blah blah! read it now!". (Not to mention the quality of the books being published is fucking atrocious)

AO3 has ruined publishing and I am being entirely serious about that.

But back to where you wanna go with your fics now. Don't be afraid to restructure how you interact with your hobbies! It doesn't have to be so exposed and vulnerable to anyone and everyone having their say on it. I used to participate massively in fandom and I'll be honest, it made me miserable. I constantly felt like I couldn't keep up, that my ideas were wrong because another idea was more popular, and I really struggled. So I took about a hundred steps back and only interact with the media I like through my friends who also like it! And it's a lot better! You may not get hundreds and thousands of likes on fics from here on out if that's what you're used to, but I guarantee you'll have more meaningful interactions that you actually hold dear to you far more than any "a guest has left a kudos on your work" notification.

(Also just a pre-emptive thing of anyone who wants to defend AO3 on this post because "it's an integral part of fandom!" or "they need that much money because they run a site with no ads!", or you want to try and tell me that the fics on there are fine because it's fiction regardless of what the fics is (including literal fucking CSAM), just know you are completely unserious and I don't value a single thing you say. So don't even try it. How about you donate to a marginalised person's mutual aid for the first time in your life and you'll calm down.)

[wallpaper-inside-my-heart]

i would love to whose perspective you had in mind for all of the spommy taylors version songs!!! unless they were picked solely on vibes which is also totally valid

Oh Anon you have no IDEA what you have unleashed by asking me this question! So thank you so much for that <3 and let's go!

(I have like almost twenty pages worth of google doc with assigned lyrics and comments for why (most of) these songs fit for them and in this playlist! I will try my best to keep this as short as my brain allows...)

As I mentioned in the original Spommy (taylor's version) post, the order that we put these songs in has it's reasons. So I will go through the different relationship stages and corresponding songs one by one. And try to briefly explain whose POV it's supposed to represent and maybe highlight a few specifc lines.

Colour coding the song's main POV:

Tommy

Spencer

both

(Song assignments under the cut)

small disclaimer: obviously we are talking about a fictionalized version of "canon" that is loosely based on/inspired by stuff they have mentioned in videos and their general internet personas. None of the thoughts I'm sharing here are meant as 100% fact or true "insight" to their personal lives. We're all just having fun! (Obviously we all agree on this kind of stuff, I just need to write it down somewhere, for my own conscience)

The Before Meeting stage:

You’re on your own kid

Anti-Hero

-> both of these songs feel super tommy-coded (the whole sexy baby/monster on the hill stuff, for example, reminds me a bit of the body dysmorphia he's mentioned in a few videos)

tied together with a smile

-> this one could work either with one or both singing this about themselves or the other imo

-> just the whole aspect of trying to hold yourself together while struggling with fullfilling expectations

2. The First meeting/Beginning stage

Everything has changed

-> both of them just being fascinated by eachother upon their first meeting

mirrorball

-> a theme for a lot of the more Tommy-centric POVs of these songs was inspired mostly by the aforementioned body image issues and also the fear of living up to his own or other ppl's expectations in terms of his own creativity etc.

(I'm sure others, like maybe Spencer, struggle with parts of these aspects as well, I just feel like Tommy has talked about it more)

-> also Tommy beginning to see Spencer as someone he doesn't have to "pretend" around

cowboy like me

-> both of them recognizing pieces of themselves within the other

3. The Pining Stage

-> this stage is mostly from Spencer's POV. I believe in Pining!Tommy rights as well, however I felt like these song examples just fit Spencer a bit better given the situation

gold rush

-> aka the mini denial stage, where he falls into a daydream of what being with Tommy could be like; but not wanting to let himself indulge too much in these thoughts

also "your hair falling into place like dominoes" sounds so much like a line that could be about tommy!

Teardrops on my guitar

-> the pining is now in full force, but sadly Tommy has a boyfriend and Spencer has to suffer through him gushing about it, while he feels his crush begin to grow more and more; tho he doesn't allow himelf to do anything about his feelings

you belong with me

-> Spencer's switch from the 'good ol' fashioned pining' to "Um, actually I would fit way better with you than he does! So why can't you see what's right in front of you and start dating me instead?!"

(tho he still doesn't actually voice this outlout, yet)

4. The Flirting Stage

new romantics

-> mostly as a set-up for both of their general attitudes at the beginning of this stage and for the dancing/club theme of Gorgeous

gorgeous

-> this one is actually splitting the POV across different parts of the song

-> Verse 1 is Spencer with lines such as "compliment/made fun of the way you talk" and "you're so cool, it makes me hate you so much" (also the last time the soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend is mentioned in the playlist)

-> Verse 2 by Tommy with "talking to everyone here but you" (which reminds me of his dating answer in hot ones; but if I start talking about my thoughts on that bit, this will get way too long) and also "Ocean blue eyes looking in mine" (literally about Spencer💙)

-> the chorus is first sung by Spencer, next one Tommy and the others by both of them at eachother

-> also "Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats… alone... Unless you wanna come along" is literally such a Spencer-coded line to me

-> also! if you or anyone wants to check out a fic of them with a slightly similar premise to this song, I can def reccomend Spencer vs Gay Panic by @soupy-girl 💗

I can see you

dress

-> with these two songs the daydreaming about the other and flirting increases

-> also I initially added this one to the list bc "flashback/your buzzcut and my hair bleached" are literally both accurate about Spencer lmao

i think he knows

-> I imagine the first verse mostly sung by Spencer and then the (pre) chorus by Tommy bc of lines like "He got that boyish look that I like in a man" and "Wanna see what's under that attitude" and of course later on"lyrical smile, indigo eyes" being about Spencer as well

5. The pre-dating stage

treacherous

-> I feel like this song has a constantly switching POV, in a duet sorta way. For example:

This slope is treacherous. This path is reckless.

This hope is treacherous. This daydream is dangerous.

but the bridge would be sung together, both deciding "I'll follow you home"

glitch

willow

jump then fall

fearless

Electric touch

-> I don't have a lot of notes on these 5 songs in particular, but the idea was basically them going from the insecurities that are still present in treacherous and seeing the thing that's developing between them as smth that just happened to them by accident, to then deciding to fully "jump into it" and letting themselves actually feel the excitement of it all in full force

6. The first few dates

begin again

-> the line "you throw your head back laughing like a little kid" fits both of them so well and I'm so soft just thinking about it

king of my heart

-> in the google doc I said that she wrote "Now you try on callin' me "baby" like tryin' on clothes" about this fic by @jovenshires and I stand by that

today was a fairytale

-> the whole first verse with "You wore a dark gray t-shirt You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess" also feels so them-coded idk

style

-> I think this edit of them explains this better than I ever could 💖

I’m only me when I’m with you

-> it's about the "Well, you drive me crazy half the time"-but still being eachothers comfort person- of it all

snow on the beach

-> another duet style song where they take turns singing the verse and then chorus together; "Weird, but fuckin' beautiful"

-> also! I must admit that I was heavily inspired to add this song bc of this fanart by @urmxotive! which is so beautiful and reminds me of the "I've never seen someone lit from within" in this song

7. Dealing with Insecurities while being in a relationship

the archer

-> both, but especially bc "I cut off my nose just to spite my face" reminds me of what I briefly mentioned with Anti-Hero

nothing new

-> me and katie agree that this song is 100% tommy coded, but I don't wanna go into too much detail since this post is getting way too long already 🙈

peace

-> another duet-style song for them starting with tommy in v1 and then Spencer in the chorus

new year’s day

-> duet again, in the same order as the last one

stay stay stay 

-> mostly Tommy's POV and him being relieved that Spencer knows how to deal with his mood swings

safe & sound

-> and this song from Spencer's POV about essientially the same "issue"

mine

-> themacceptance of their insecurities and celebration of taking on the future together

8. Good ol' estabished relationship fluff

call it what you want

-> similar theme as peace and nothing new, but leaving those worries behind from tommy's side

-> and also "My baby's fit like a daydream" reminded me of spencer at 1:43 in this clip ( from this video)

daylight

-> also duet-style; "Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town" reminds me of tommy ripping up his headshots

you are in love

-> I think Katies fic explains the POVs for this perfectly 💜

paper rings

-> "I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this" tying back into glitch etc

invisible string

-> both of them growing up in florida and also both being eye-ptach-kids?? makes me so insane when I think about it for some reason

sweet nothing

-> it's about the "You say, "What a mind". This happens all the time" and "To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it" of it all

lover

-> and, finally "Swear to be overdramatic and true" and "And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me" is literally them. I rest my case, your honor

So this post got wayyyy too long and was prob way more then you asked for, anon, but I hope you enjoyed my ramblings anyways ����

I have so many more thoughts about some of these song choices (like Nothing new, peace, new year's day and several others) and their order, and also even more specifically assigned lines in my google doc for this playlist. So in case you or anyone else wants the link to that, feel free to dm me. Or if you have you're own ideas about some of these choices or are curious about some specifics, my asks are always open 🤗

[blackhairedjjun]

flowers of every color | writer's behind the scenes!

some stuff about my writing process for the fic! be warned that if you haven't caught up yet, there are spoilers

tagging people who liked and/or replied my interest check post: @agustdiv1ne @mazeinthemoon @txtistheloml @kyaneosprincess @teletubbiesssss @banggyu0308

these are pretty long so i'm putting them behind a read-more hehe

story planning:

while we've gotten plenty of yeonjun in prince outfits over the years, the main inspiration for this fic is yeonjun's opening outfit in act: sweet mirage! i saw that and was like "oh man he would be SO DASHING as a prince 😍" and just went from there

if you've been here from the start, you might know that i didn't originally plan make a series! i just word-vomited the first chapter (well, what became the first chapter) directly into tumblr's post editor because the thought of prince!yeonjun wouldn't leave me alone, especially after seeing a few other prince/commoner and prince/servant fics floating around lol. chapter 1 is also the only chapter made using tumblr's legacy editor rather than their new one (which is also why the cover pics are one big edited photo and not 3 separate photos, i couldn't figure out how to get 3 photos to line up in the legacy editor).

i honestly did not expect people to read chapter 1 but they did!! and they liked the idea!! plus even after writing chapter 1 i STILL couldn't get the idea out of my head so i decided to write it as a full story. i've written plenty of oneshots before under my (non-kpop) ao3 account, but this is my first multichapter series! so i opened google docs and made a quick outline of the story's main events.

the original outline for foec had 6 chapters + 2 endings, but as i wrote the story, i realized that more detail and scenes were needed than what i initially outlined! chapters 3 and 4 (ball preparations + the ball / gazebo dance scene) were supposed to be one chapter. chapters 5 and 6 (y/n hanging out with the chois + getting caught + punishment + intro of arranged marriage) were also supposed to be one chapter. chapters 7-9 (end of friendship, reconciling with soogyu, y/n & beomgyu talk) were also supposed to be one chapter!

i actually started writing the bad ending first before the good ending -- my reasoning was that if i were the reader, i would want to save the good ending for last so that i could end the series on a positive note. i was very surprised when people voted for the good ending first in the poll LMAO also as far as i'm concerned, both endings are canon in a "branching timeline" kind of way. they are both the real ending! i do have a soft spot for the good ending but also i love angst too much to not write a bad ending haha.

honestly most of the story beats from my original outline made it into the final fic! the biggest change has to do with queen hwayoung's and princess ajin's roles in the story (more on that below).

character notes:

when i was first brainstorming i really wanted to include both taehyun and hueningkai in the story as well, but i struggle with writing ensemble casts and choi line + y/n (+ the supporting characters in the castle) were already enough for me to handle. soobin and beomgyu were the easiest for me to incorporate into the story since they have the same last name and i could go "oh in this universe they're part of the same royal house hence the same last name" HAHA. i do imagine that the house of choi princes are also friends with tyunning (kai does get alluded to in chapter 9), but they're off doing their own adventures.

some of little moments in the fic were inspired by actual things txt have done in variety shows! yeonjun, y/n, soobin, and beomgyu playing cards in chapter 5 is based off to do ep. 53 where they also play cards. soogyu playing badminton in chapter 8 is inspired by gbgb era idol human theater where they played a little badminton by the pool. and there are a lot more small character quirks that are inspired by gifs or fancams i've seen of them haha.

queen hwayoung and princess ajin were originally not supposed to be part of the story! my original idea was the have the arranged marriage subplot be heard secondhand by through advisers so that it feels like an invisible force pulling yeonjun away from y/n. but i needed to make the threat of the arranged marriage stronger and ended up writing the scene with queen hwayoung in it for chapter 6.

princess ajin especially was a late addition -- originally she was never supposed to appear at all, never visiting the castle and only speaking through her mom / royal advisors, so there was that threat of yeonjun being married off to someone he's never even met. but after looking through the feedback of chapter 6 i realized that i kinda-sorta accidentally made setup for her oops. people were wondering what she'd be like, and it would feel too anticlimactic to never have her appear in the story, so i wrote her in. which i don't regret because i did enjoy writing her big scene in chapter 10!

speaking of which: a friend of mine asked what happens to princess ajin, and honestly i wanted to give her proper closure too! but i couldn't find a way to fit it into the story in a way that felt natural. if you ask me though, she gains some level of political independence from her mom (represented by her visiting the castle in the good ending). she still marries for political reasons, to a prince or nobleman who is also in it for the politics, and at first they treat their marriage as a business partnership. eventually they grow close and form a devoted "i'd do anything for you" bond -- not necessarily romantic in nature, but caring in its own way. (i'm describing a queerplatonic relationship basically)

tbh i don't have the energy to write another multichapter right now, but i would love to see spinoff fics for soobin and beomgyu or even taehyun and kai as princes in their own kingdoms! so if you're reading this and you want to do it, you have my blessing <3

flower notes:

while some chapter titles were planned around a specific flower representing the events & progression of the story, others were not (because of the chapter splits i talked about earlier) and i just chose whatever flower was in it lol. the planned chapter title flowers are: yellow roses (ch2), pink roses (ch4), sunflowers (ch5), striped carnations (ch7) , purple hyacinths (ch9), red roses (ch10), daffodils (GE), and white lilies (BE). the unplanned title flowers are: irises (ch1), lilies of the valley (ch3), red and purple zinnias (ch6), sweet peas (ch8).

i mostly used this website as a reference for the language of flowers, BUT i also double check with one or two other websites to make sure i'm getting an established flower meaning and not something made up! when i started fic planning i made a list of flowers with meanings that fit the main story beats and character progressions, then picked the ones with the most established meanings (i.e. supported by multiple "language of flowers" websites) and/or the ones that were appropriate for the growing season.

even though i wrote a disclaimer not to pay attention to botanical accuracy re: seasonal flowering times, i originally envisioned the fic to take place over the spring. then when it got longer, i imagined it taking place over spring and summer, so i tried (keyword: tried) to choose seasonally appropriate flowers or flowers that bloom year-round. this is hard for me because i live in a tropical country. i have never seen a lot of these flowers in person because they don't grow in the climate here, and i have no idea what a four-season year feels like. so i decided not to put time-of-year markers in the fic and leave the season ambiguous, and added that disclaimer about the flowers' accuracy.

an example of this: chapter 9 is named after purple hyacinths. i first decided on this back when the story was only supposed to take place during the spring, since hyacinths are a spring flower. i considered naming it after hydrangeas because they mean something like "thank you for understanding" (i.e. y/n going "thank you for understanding what a hard position i'm in" to yeonjun), and also because they're one of my favorite flowers. but i wasn't sure about their seasonal appropriateness since some sources said that they bloom during early summer so i changed it to hyacinths. BUT THEN the fic got long and i started imagining that the later chapters take place in the summer SO the hyacinths ended up being seasonally inappropriate after all! and hydrangeas would have been more appropriate! especially since txt literally has a song called hydrangea love out aarghhh noooo but anyway it is what it is

other flowers that didn't make the cut + their meanings: sweet william (gallantry), alstroemeria (friendship or devotion), freesia (friendship, thoughtfulness), white tulips (forgiveness, consideration, respect), thyme (courage, strength)

other notes:

the key lime pie in chapter 6 is based on a real pie that i ate at my friend's house when i visited her there and i thought it was the most delicious thing i have ever eaten. in the original draft it was a lemon tart!

i wanted to keep this series strictly sfw, but i did consider making both the good and bad endings have suggestive, fade-to-black scenes. for the good ending, the suggestive part would have involved y/n in yeonjun's room the night after their speech / before waking up together. for the bad ending, it would have happened when yeonjun visits y/n's quarters. i didn't write them bc i... am not good with anything suggestive or nsfw klsadjfklasjd

I COMPLETELY FORGOT BUT Y/N'S FATHER WAS ALSO IN THE AUDIENCE FOR THEIR SPEECH IN THE GOOD ENDING... i have no excuse for not writing him in other than I Forgot. i am so sorry but please imagine he was there

--

that's all i can think of for now! if you have other questions about foec or my writing process please please feel free to reply to this post or send an ask <3

[that-disabled-princess]

⭐? for the fanfiction ask game thing. if you want to. ^_^

Whoo BOY, thanks for the ask! Well, the fic I'm dying to talk about is very very NSFW, so I'll pick another one! I'll give a director's commentary on Who we're supposed to be 💖 I have so many Aro Thoughts (and other thoughts) that never got expanded upon in the fic because it would've taken away from Baz's story too much.

Buckle up: I had Thoughts. And we're getting personal, baby! (While still staying in the "I'm being safe on the internet" zone.) This fic means so much to me because I drew on my own experiences for it and because I've always wanted to write a fic that explores aromanticism.

I started writing this fic under a week before Baz's birthday because I had the sudden realization that Baz's birthday falls during aro week. That got me thinking--what if I wrote a fic where Baz realizes he aromantic?

I jotted down some quick notes for myself at first, mainly general tags and themes to write about. I knew I wanted it to be post canon, and I wanted it to be a fic about self-discovery, but that was about it.

I bolted upright in bed while on the verge of sleep, mere days before Baz's birthday, with the first line in my head. (My doc history says it was 11pm haha.) I grabbed my phone and wrote several paragraphs down... then spent the next day or two agonizing about where to take the fic. This fic meant so much to me, and I wanted to write the very best version of it I could.

Baz questioning himself with all those little moments in his and Simon's history is so similar to my own questioning.

"But I was so sure I had a crush on this person!"

"But I dated someone!"

"But I kissed someone!"

"But we've had sex!"

"Am I allowed to call myself aromantic after [insert action usually classified as romantic]?"

"Will they still want to be around me?"

"What will society think?"

And the list. Goes. On.

Using the word concluding in the sentence "Concluding I'm in love with him by fifth year" was an intentional choice I'd given thought to. The word was originally realizing, which just didn't feel right, but I couldn't think of a better word to use. I was ready to give up and just say "good enough" when @bazzybelle pointed it out, and the word conclude popped into my head.

And isn't that just accurate. I don't speak for all aros, but concluding we have a crush on someone, concluding we must be in love with someone, concluding we must want to date them... it really screams how amatonormative our society is. And yeah, Baz is attracted to Simon! He does adore Simon! I wrote some aroallo rep into this fic!

But Baz isn't attracted to Simon in the way society says he should be. He's not in love with them. (@martsonmars you were so right in saying we need to burn the world to the ground xD)

I loved going into detail about Baz's physical and aesthetic attraction to Simon. I wrote this based on my own experiences, and physical and aesthetic attraction is something I experience! (If you're someone I'm really comfortable with, I can be a very touchy person. I love cuddles.) Belle put it really well in their comment on the doc--physical attraction and caring deeply about someone doesn't equal romantic love. We all have different ways we experience attraction and different ways we care for people, and that's perfectly okay!

Baz is right--it is so incredibly strange realizing and acknowledging that you go against society's norms and structures. Acknowledging you're different. But Simon's right, Baz! Different doesn't mean worse at all. You're still you, you're still beautiful, you're still a wonderful person. (I love Simon's wings and tail and Baz's vampirism being disability parallels for this reason.)

Writing Baz freaking out and running away hurt my heart. I despise beating around the bush and prefer facing conflict head-on, but running away from my sexual/romantic orientation was something I did a lot as a baby queer. Especially with my bisexuality and asexuality. Poor Baz is struggling so much with imposter syndrome and internalized arophobia right now.

Arospec Aggie! Agatha was so heavily arospec-coded in the first two books, I got whiplash when she kissed Niamh in the third. All of a sudden, it was like her being aspec-coded didn't exist anymore. I was honestly disappointed.

Like... did that really just happen? Was her entire characterization in the first two books all for naught? Was this the plan all along? This is the reason I love how, in the epilogue, we don't know if Agatha and Niamh are still a Thing! It's open to reader interpretation!

I've come to enjoy brobelove, but aro Agatha will always have a special place in my heart. I purposefully left it open to interpretation where on the aromantic spectrum Agatha falls, and if her and Niamh are in a relationship or not.

All of Agatha's advice to Baz are things I would tell a baby aro me. For so much of this fic, I was thinking "What would I say to a younger, baby aro me?" (Whiiiich, of course, meant I cried like a baby the entire time I was writing this fic.) I sat for a while just thinking about my experiences as an aromantic queer and what it was like thinking I'd felt all this romantic attraction, thinking I'd done all the right romantic things, thinking I'd dated the right people, thinking I'd done what society wanted...

Everything I thought I was supposed to do.

Fuck society. Fuck whatever expectations society and your parents and your friends place on you. Fuck them. You're allowed to do what's right for you.

You're still allowed to be happy and find happiness.

Man, I wish someone would've told baby queer me that. I'm so happy I got to give Baz the queer emotional support I never had. I am so thankful to the friends that have helped me through all my queer identity crises, and I'm glad I got to give Baz that, too.

Plus--Baz and Agatha friendship! Who doesn't love their friendship?

Baz's journey is very similar to what my own was like. I read about aromanticism, sought out aromantic characters in books and movies and TV shows, talked to friends about it. And Loveless? An absolutely amazing book. I highly recommend it to anyone who's aspec.

The Baz reading poetry bit was inspired by me writing poetry about aromanticism and being aromantic haha. I've written several poems about aromanticism and amatonormativity.

His reflections are also similar to what my own were like. I was never in a proper relationship, but I did have crushes and did "date" people. (I use the word date loosely--we never actually went out and they were both shitty people.) I experienced attraction, too... just not the kind society expected me to experience. Growing up being different than everyone else around you is hard. And when you have shit parental figures you can't turn to? Even harder.

Oh, the "Good parts, bad ones, everything in between" line! This comes from a great song from the movie Purple Hearts. The song is, as with most songs, literally about romance (though, it does make me think about how I adore my best friend), but I love the line "you loved my everything / the good, the bad, the in between." I think of that line a lot. It's made its way into a couple of my snowbaz fics before actually.

And ace Mordelia! I absolutely adore queer Mordelia, and I love queer Mordelia having big queer brother Baz there to turn to <33

Oof, the coming out scene. This was a hard one to write. I was already crying by the time I hit this scene, but writing the coming out from Baz's POV--really, the main and only POV I wanted to do for this fic--turned the tears from a river to a waterfall. I sobbed my way through writing this fic, and I enjoyed every minute of getting to tell Baz's story.

Be brave, Baz! Light a match and blow on the tinder. I've always taken that saying of Natasha's to mean "be brave."

Okay, so love vs adore... To me, love is an overused cliche word. (No hate to anyone who likes it, this is just my opinion.) I'm also loveless, so... yeah. I'm suuuper uncomfortable with people telling me they love me and telling people I love them. (This also probably has a lot to do with pieces of my past I'd rather not discuss on the internet lol.) I prefer when people use the word adore! To me, adore is a much more beautiful word. I think it's so much more meaningful and special, which is why when I'm talking about something I truly adore, I'll use... well. Adore.

It's also why I put Baz telling Simon he adores them after telling Simon he loves them. (Every word in this fic was chosen carefully. This fic could not be more over-analyzed even if an English teacher was analyzing it xD) (At least I know exactly what the author intended lmao.)

Simon already understands what aromanticism and asexuality are in this fic! He has a frame of reference already because Mordelia is asexual and Agatha is arospec. I wasn't quite sure where to go with Simon's reaction to Baz coming out until I put two and two together and went "Wait, they already know aspec people." (Thanks @tea-brigade for helping me figure that one out!) Being able to give Baz a caring and supportive partner was wonderful.

QPRs are one of my favorite things. It's beautiful how many ways relationships and queer people just exist. Queerness is beautiful.

Sweet Simon's rambling questions. Those questions were inspired by the own questions that have been running through my mind about getting into a QPR.

"Where would I feel comfortable being kissed?"

"What pet names would be okay?"

"What would I want to be referred to as?"

"What about cuddles?"

"What about sex?"

And, once again: the list goes on.

How Simon handled Baz coming out was important to me. It was important that Simon was still an adoring and supportive boyfriend, even while both they and Baz were figuring things out.

Aroallo Baz is also so important to me. Aroallo rep for the win!

Baz is so right--cuddles are The Best. And he deserves to be at peace and feel comfortable with himself.

Ugh I need an aro blanket now. I have my stars blanket, but I need more blankets for my blanket mountain!

Baz hugging Simon at the very end and having that be the last line was an intentional choice. So many movies, even non-romance ones, all end with kisses. And for what? For a nice neat little bow on top? For your little cliche tropey romance plot? (Not saying all movies are like this, this is just what I've seen overall.) I liked ending it with a hug instead of the overused kiss ending. Endings are something I used to really struggle with, and being able to branch out and write fics without ending them with "I love you"s or kisses feels great! (It also means I can now end a lil sweet and silly fic with an "I love you" or a silly lil kiss and have fun with it.)

I really loved shaking things up in this fic. In terms of writing about queerness, giving Simon and Baz the opportunity to just exist, and playing around in the big ol' "fuck amatonormativity" sandbox.

It was an honor to be able to write a fic about something so near and dear to my heart and to have it reach so many arospec people. I've been wanting to write a fic about aromanticism for a long time. I'm glad I was able to do that.

I adore this fic, and I hope y'all could find a piece of yourself in it, too 💖💖

Some quick non-aro-related thoughts!

A little nod to trans he/they Simon! I just love the image of Simon all splayed out on the bed, allowing himself to take up space. Both trans!Simon and Simon having a tummy mean so much to me.

And a nod to Baz having chronic pain! I have chronic leg pain myself, so I love seeing Baz having trouble with his leg after the numpties in fanfic. Plus--it's right there in canon! He's canonically disabled for a time! After becoming disabled myself, Simon healing Baz's leg with his ✨god-like magic✨ just weirds me out. But I'll spare you my thoughts.

The pumpkin scones! One of my favorite personal headcanons is that Baz's favorite food is pumpkin scones. I also love the thought of Simon making Baz pumpkin scones on bad days to cheer him up, or as a celebration for something he achieved.

I also love the thought of Simon crocheting. I wrote Simon as a crocheter in last year's COTTA fic, and I've loved this idea ever since! Simon gets to make all the crochet blankets for their partner, and Baz gets to snuggle under the mountain of blankets his partner made him.

Baz's "Fang-tastic!" mug! I adore that mug. Another one of my absolute favorite headcanons is that Simon bought Baz that custom mug 🥰

And Baz needs more friends lol. Let the man live! Let the man have uni and orchestra friends! Let the man join Discord servers and fangirl over the most recent classic book he read! (I would love to see that fic actually.)

"Down, boy" makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. It's just so goddamn funny. Spadey has a mind of his own, and we love that for him xD

[damnable-bell]

Please, dear friend, write your Minho Manifesto (Minhonifesto)!

Bulb, you are an absolute gem. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about my number one boy (and thank you @shojojidais for encouragement, ilu Maryam).

This post got way out of hand. I'll put the basic text below, but the full version with detailed footnotes and an index of all the YouTube videos I linked is on Google Docs, if anyone would like to see it.

Sorry for my inevitable typos.

Now, without further ado...

Choi Minho: An Appreciation

Who is Choi Minho?

Choi Minho was born on December 9th, 1991. In May 2008, he debuted as a member of the boyband SHINee, meaning that Minho has been in our lives for almost 15 wonderful years now. His official position in SHINee is main rapper and visual (i.e., the face of the group), but these days he sings about as often as he raps. (His voice is especially lovely when he gets to sing in his natural range, which he almost never gets to do with SHINee, sob sob).

Minho originally hoped to become a soccer player, but his father, the soccer coach Choi Yun-kyum, denied him, saying he hoped Minho would pursue a less difficult career. Unfortunately for Coach Choi (but perhaps fortunately for us), Minho was just born too pretty to do something more normal. At age 14, he was scouted by SM Entertainment while visiting a ski resort with his family, and the rest is history.

Why I love him

He is a true genius of hard work

In spite of the fact that he more or less stumbled into being an idol, Minho has always given 100 percent of himself to SHINee—in fact, Minho always gives 100 percent of himself to everything, whether it’s singing, rapping, dancing, acting, speaking English, sports, or drag. He hasn’t always been good at everything he does, but part of what makes Minho such a special person is his endless capacity for growth.

(When will Goddess Choi Minjung return from war? It's been eight years...)

Here’s what he had to say about being criticized for his acting in To the Beautiful You (2012):

Even from my point of view, I more than deserved those criticisms. I struggled a lot in my first lead role in ‘To The Beautiful You,’ but looking back, it is because of that past that I have confidence now, so I definitely don’t consider it a taint on my history … Back then, I just stubbornly thought that I just have to do well. At a young age, I was in a leading role and I needed to lead the drama by paying attention to the people and situation around me, but I wasn’t able to. A lead isn’t someone who just acts well on his own, but leads the entire drama. I should have paid more attention to the other things, but I focused too much on myself, and it resulted in me just awkwardly standing out. But I learned a lot from that, and it was ‘medicine’ for me. To be honest, being criticized so much was a huge lesson for me. It’s a lie if I say that I am not scared of being criticized for doing badly. But I think it’s something that I should put up with. It’s only right to acknowledge what I’m lacking and correct it. Of course, everyone wants to do well from the start. But I don’t think I’m gifted that much so I need a lot of experience.

Similarly, on writing his own raps for SHINee:

At first I was very bad at it. But if I didn't do it then it would be detrimental to me as well as to the members so I thought that I should really try to do it properly. It's true that when you put in effort your skills change. I thought, there isn't anything that can’t be done if a person really tries…

What makes Minho’s growth doubly impressive to me is that he’s not a naturally confident person. On the contrary, he’s painfully self-aware and takes deeply failure to heart:

After filming Dream Team, on days I won I would be in a really good mood, and on days I lost I would keep thinking about it. It's the same as when I make a mistake on stage. When I mess up on one step on stage, I feel hateful towards myself. I grow angry. Wondering why I did that that during that step. I think it's because my competitiveness is so strong. But that doesn't mean I enjoy competing. Instead, if there is a competition I tend to avoid it. Because if one wins, the other loses. Because any person, no matter who it is, dislikes losing.

When Minho first debuted, most people immediately clocked him as the weakest member of SHINee—and he knew it. He couldn’t rap (his infamously terrible rap on “The SHINee World”—which he really wants you to know he did not write—is legendary both in the fandom and beyond), he couldn’t act, and while he was never the worst dancer in the group, he didn’t stand out much either.

It also didn’t help that SM saddled him with the part of the ‘cool, silent type,’ when his real personality is goofy, warm, and sentimental—not to mention teasing, nagging, nurturing, full of natural aegyo, and loud. Variety is usually a place where K-Pop ‘visuals’ get to prove their worth, but in SHINee’s early variety appearances, Minho was just sort of...there. 

In his own words,

Looking back, I went through a slump during my early debut days. I first thought, “Why did I debut?” I couldn’t dance or sing, and I couldn’t say anything in variety shows. Before debut, I was good at talking and confident, but standing in front of the public as a celebrity isn’t an easy job. (161208 SHINee’s Choi Minho - Media Interview (3))

Now, it’s never made sense to me that anyone could praise SHINee’s live stages out of one side of their mouth and trash Minho’s performance skills out of the other—there’s just no room in their choreo for any member of the group to be lagging significantly behind the others.

These days, I would be shocked to find anyone who doesn’t see Minho as an integral part of SHINee. But it’s worth taking a minute to acknowledge what a dynamic, well-rounded performer he’s become in his own right. I was so happy when I saw other people calling Minho’s rap in “Atlantis” the best part of the song, 1) because IT FUCKING IS, and 2) it made me realize just how many great rap moments Minho has had going back years. The Story of Light alone is full of them (have you guys listened to “Retro” yet today?), but there are so many older favorites, too (it’s actually pissing me off that the previous video I linked doesn’t include Minho’s part in “One Minute Back,” so here it is).

Minho hasn’t just become a strong idol-rapper (he’s never going to be on the front cover of XXL Magazine or whatever, but that’s fine, because it’s not his job); he’s also grown into a strong vocalist, a damn good dancer, and an excellent variety idol and MC (he is seriously so funny, you guys). As an actor, he’s worked hard to earn genuine praise from audiences and critics while accepting relatively ‘risky’ parts (he played a delinquent in the indie drama Derailed—where he smoked! and swore! and got beaten up by Ma Dong-seok!—as well as a gay character in the drama Yumi’s Cells). He’s also an underrated lyricist, with more than 40 songwriting credits throughout SHINee’s discography.

Last but certainly not least, Minho has (flaming) charisma and stage presence for days, as well as an astonishing ability to ‘commit to the bit’ that’s elevated many a goofy SHINee performance (my current favorite example is this performance of “Girls Girls Girls” at SHINee World III in Seoul—notice how many of the comments mention that Minho was obviously feeling himself in that bathrobe!).

Since he finished his mandatory military service, Minho has been branching out with more of his own solo activities, including a radio show, Best Choice (again: he is so funny, you guys!), and a forthcoming solo album, Chase. He seems to have become comfortable in his own skin in a way that we should all hope to be in our early thirties. As a fan, I consider it a privilege to have watched him blossom into a better, more confident version of himself. He is a true genius of hard work, and I could not be more excited for his solo.

He has the biggest heart

I love Minho because Minho has so much love to give. He’s the kind of person who leaves notes telling his friends he loves them while they’re asleep. He once saved all the SHINee members’ names in his phone under “My Lovely ___.” He writes the longest dedications of anyone in the group. He’s thoughtful and dedicated and has a lot of feelings (though by his own admission, he tends to hide them, so that he can continue to give strength to others). He is, for lack of a better word, all ooey-gooey inside, with a sentimental streak a mile wide.

Minho always goes the extra mile to support the other members of SHINee. SHINee’s leader, Onew, once called him the group’s “heart aid”:

Whatever happens, he is by our side and calls out to us. Minho is really a person who becomes our strength in any situation … It’s not only with me, even with other members, he is our heart aid and is a very important existence to all of us (2014)

When the other members cry onstage, Minho is often the first to comfort them. Who could forget the iconic photo of Minho hugging an inconsolable Jonghyun to his bosom after SHINee’s first music show win for “Juliette,” or all the many times he comforted Jonghyun—always the crybaby of the group—onstage thereafter?

Here are just a few more examples of Minho showing his support for the other members of SHINee:

Hiding away his emergency money to buy a birthday present for Key, even though they hated each other at the time

Surprising Jonghyun on his birthday at Jonghyun’s radio show, Blue Night (150409)

Flying to Japan to attend the second day of Taemin’s Tokyo concert in 2018 (181125), then flying back to Korea to attend Key’s concert showcase the very next day (181126)

Surprising Jonghyun at Jonghyun’s X-Inspiration concert in 2016 (161204, or click through to “…and Minho” on this Omona post for all the cute fan accounts)

Surprising Jonghyun on the last day of Blue Night—and bringing lots of tissues, because he knew Jonghyun would cry (170402). (The part of this video everyone remembers is the part where Minho tells Jonghyun that he brought the softest box tissues “because Jonghyun-hyung’s skin is precious,” but really, every second of it just radiates compassion and care. We should all be so lucky to have a friend like Minho.).

Surprising Jonghyun at Jonghyun’s The Story concert—and bringing throat drops, because he knew Jonghyun’s throat might be sore. Look how happy and proud he was when they left!

Fuck it, here are two whole threads of Minho showing up for Jonghyun’s concerts. Don’t miss the one where he’s showing Jonghyun off to the camera like a work of art.

While he was in the military, he sent food trucks to Taemin to support Taemin’s comeback (200907)

Minho to Onew in 2020: “But I love having you as company. I love your lame jokes. Just keep making your jokes. It’s just that you need moral support” (201116)

On the day he was discharged , Minho went straight from the military to see Taemin backstage at Inkigayo, without even changing out of his marine uniform. I’ve saved the best for last, so if you only click on one link in this post, please, please make it this one: [탬로그6v6📹] TAEMIN 태민 #샤이니isBack 201119

I should add that Minho doesn’t do all this stuff because he’s not booked and busy himself. He’s constantly filming, doing photoshoots, and randomly upstaging Melania Trump. Supporting the other members isn’t something he does just because he has the time; it’s something he works at consciously.

When SHINee went on Blue Night in 2016, Minho described how he transfers his support to the busiest member depending on the season:

Jonghyun: Then Minho-ssi, which member do you feel the most attached to? Minho: Out of the four? I think it changes with the season. Jonghyun: Who is it in the recent season? Minho: In the recent season, it’s Jonghyun-hyung. It’s because he’s the busiest. He needs to prepare for the concert. I think I try to take more care of the member who’s the busiest. Jonghyun: Then Key has been very busy until recently because of Drinking Solo. Key, did you feel that Minho was taking care of you? Did you feel it, Key? Minho’s love? Key: No, not at all. Jonghyun: He must have just thought about it a lot in his mind. (Ha.) Key: But he really is surprising. I think his day is a little longer than other people’s. I don’t know how he can watch them all [referring to the members’ activities]. Jonghyun: It’s a great thing. It means he has a lot of affection. Key: It’s not that I don’t watch it on purpose. When I turn on TV and find that our member is on by chance, I would watch it then. But to watch something intentionally…it means it’s a plan. Jonghyun: Minho watches everything, all the members’ schedules.

I’ve been a fan of SHINee for a long time—long enough to remember a time when the members didn’t all get along as famously as they do now—and I really believe that they wouldn’t have made it nearly this far if not for Minho holding them together.

I thought about saying something here like, “Minho’s strength is giving strength to others,” but I don’t think that would be giving nearly enough credit. What I most admire about Minho isn’t just that he gives strength to others, but that his love for other people becomes his strength—that it enables him to do the impossible and find that extra hour in the day.

This is all very sweet just by itself, but it becomes even more impressive when you consider—and here is where I start to get into a little bit of conjecture—how easily Minho could have given in to jealousy and resentment.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are 16 or 17 years old, you’ve just made your entertainment industry debut, and you’re surrounded by people whom everyone agrees are more talented than you. This isn’t the first time you’ve been overlooked; at home, you have a brother whom everyone agrees is smarter, more popular, and better-looking, and your own parents joke that maybe he should have debuted instead of you. People on the internet write articles calling you “useless” and “a black hole of talent” (I’m not going to link these!).

I think a lot of people in that situation would have grown to resent their peers. Instead, Minho doubled down on his support for the other members. There is something truly egoless, I think, in how hard he works to care for those around him. Whatever his own insecurities are or might have been, he doesn’t seem to have ever let them get in the way of all the love he has to give.

Of course, Minho doesn’t just show his tender heart in his interactions with the other SHINee members. He’s also endlessly kind to fans. Some of my favorite examples:

When he was a guest on My Last 48 Hours in 2018, the three things he chose to do in his hypothetical last 48 hours were: 1) spend time with family, 2) spend time with SHINee, and 3) spend time with fans. Since there was no time to organize a fanmeet, the producers found just one fan for him to surprise. She started to cry, he got kind of choked up at her crying...it was all too cute for words.

From the letter he wrote to Shawols (SHINee fans) while he was in the military: “As part of the engineering battalion, I’ve received air transportation training. You guys might not know much about it, so to put it simply, our training consists of falling from a plane or a helicopter with a parachute! … I was able to get closer to the sky during training. It was really pretty, and it was great, because I felt like I was looking at you guys.”

...OK, one more quote from the same letter: “I’m reading each and every letter from our SHINee world and I’m treasuring them … Giving your hearts to someone is like giving them your everything, receiving the heart of someone is like receiving all of them and sharing everything with them. I’m really happy that that person is you guys.”

Just the sheer number of times it’s been confirmed he actually reads his fan letters

His Kiseki stage. All of it. It’s maybe the purest expression of Minho to date (his solo stages prior to this were all, like, hip-thrusting to Usher with his shirt off—which, like, fine, I’m not complaining, but the baseball uniform is so much more his style). Every time I rewatch it, I’m just blown away by his sincerity. You can hear it in his voice. Also, I’ll say it: better than the original.

Recently he confessed that he watches fan reaction videos when he can’t sleep (Minhooooo!)

He once spent $21,000 to gift the 800 fans who came to his birthday fanmeet with sweatshirts from his endorsement line (171209). Insane thing to do. When the time comes to eat the rich, I will have no choice but to spare him.

If you’ve never been sucked into the K-Pop Vortex, I know what you’re probably thinking: being kind to fans is part of his job, it doesn’t actually mean anything. And you’re right, it is a part of his job—a part he’s very good at! K-Pop is a fantasy, and entering into a space where you feel seen and appreciated as a fan is a part of that fantasy.

But as a veteran K-Pop Enjoyer, I can tell you that just because something is ‘performative’ doesn’t mean it doesn’t also come from the heart. I also feel that SHINee have worked hard throughout their careers to be true to themselves in public—and to create spaces where they could be closer to fans on their own terms. So it would actually be really unfair to them, I think, to continually insist, against all available evidence, that everything they say and do is somehow calculated. I don’t have any trouble understanding that being an idol is a job, and there are no doubt days when they would rather do anything than talk to fans. But if Minho says that hearing from fans is a part of the job he generally enjoys—and that he cares about us, whether on a personal level or solely in the abstract—I’m inclined to believe him?

I’m cynical about many things, especially in K-Pop, but I just don’t have it in me to be cynical about Minho or SHINee.

I mean, just look at this:

I love him to pieces, and he’s improved a ton, but I’m still not sure he’s that good an actor.

Miscellaneous reasons

I’ve always felt that the extent to which Minho is openly adored by his industry juniors and seniors, as well as by his non-celebrity friends, speaks for itself. His friendship with TVXQ’s Changmin is especially cute (they even had a dating scandal together!).

He’s famously close with SNSD (so much so that Korean netizens nicknamed him “A male idol that people don't get suspicious when he's close to female idols”) and was even the first person to congratulate Taeyeon on the release of “I Call You” in 2020.

He is unfailingly gentle with children—one of only, like, two members who had any business taking care of a toddler on SHINee’s Hello Baby in 2010

He majored in film at Konkuk University and recently said that his “favorite Netflix show” is The Irishman. He also apparently liked Hirokazu Kore’eda’s Our Little Sister? With teasers for his solo album leaning in a moody, ‘90s neo-noir direction, many are speculating that a new cinephile Minho era may be upon us (and by “many” I mean “me”).

He knows how to laugh at himself

Never has been Minho been cuter than while walking through the London Underground on SHINee’s One Fine Day in 2013.

In conclusion,

[lemonadesoda]

It's been a while since I've aimlessly rambled about my ocs because it's been a rather difficult season and I had been struggling with creative block for most of it which has only recently broken for me (only to be interrupted by a great deal of real life things).

Tbh it's also been an internal fight of me wanting to make more regular creative posts bc it just is fun to share that stuff instead of keeping it private or to a single discord chat vs the feeling that it doesn't really make a difference if i post it or not so why bother. Now that life has eased up a little again, I will once again try to actually blog on my blog.

Things I've been dabbling in lately:

I made a dreamwidth a while back but never advertised it. Haven't updated it in a while either, but I hope to put more things on it, hopefully more original concepts and such, but links to my fanfics are the main thing there for now. Find it [here]

Currently working on: a somewhat long short story reflecting on Lemel's aroace identity and the relationships that illustrated their journey with that. (Icarusverse canon)

Random AUs as usual. Predominant ones lately have been the Fae AU where Tevane is a fae prince who Lemel, a botanist, and their young apprentice Jose (@doodleimprovement) meet and befriend in the nearby forest. DnDads AU, haven't written anything for that because I have been paywalled spoilerwalled from much of the content on account of not being caught up yet. Tevane joins with Jammy (@jam-blue), Cassius (@banyanas) and Azar (@rindomness) on a journey in the Forgotten Realms to seek the people they lost there.

Lots of thinky thoughts on character interactions because that is my one true obsession. There's a lot of text in a google doc that's literally just the play by play of various conversations between my guys that's very indulgent but not really the meat of any particular narrative so. Lol idk if anyone wants to see any of that. I can basically infinitely write character interactions as a hobby. Like, stories have to pull the plot and narrative relevant stuff only, but I'm always fixated on the little conversations that happen behind the scenes, the small talk off camera where you know a lot of relationship building is actually happening. What do they talk about when they're walking to the next plot point? When they're eating dinner together, or getting ready for bed, or waiting for the train? Fascinating stuff to me. Boring for a story tho. What can ya do

[omophagic-beast]

alright lets talk ttrpg goals for 2023! this post is about games im writing that i want to finish this year, ill make another one for games i want to play in 2023.

i have. so many half finished games. in fact i even have several games that are written!! they just need to be laid out and put out there. so heres the goals and the order for said goals

1- Record Collection 2K23, and the yet-unnamed game for it that ive been writing up over the past few weeks. part tarot-driven game, part... play? there’s stage directions in there in any case

its based off the four wind albums by the Oh Hellos, later on the two characters in the play only talk to eachother via lyrics from each album, moving through the seasons as they move through their story.

ofc i want to finish this one during the jam, which means by the end of january. very much pushing myself to just Get It Out There and not worry so much about it being exactly what i want, because i can always come back and update it later. its horribly (affectionate) self indulgent already so to b clear i am writing this game for Me, so the only person who needs to like it at any point is Me :3

2- There Is An Anger Inside Of You. ive been noodling at this game for over a year now, with the creation date on the word doc being may of 2021. its done!!! its finished, i swear to god, i just need to lay it out, and i already know how im going to do that i just need to *grabs myself by the shoulders* fucking do it

its a game about being angry when youre not able to express it, the struggle of keeping your anger under wraps being played out as a rather unfair game of chess. and i am going to get it out by the end of february.

3- The Lady, The Tiger, and The Accused, a hack of For The Queen based on the short story The Lady or The Tiger. its another one that is currently completely written out, but rather than laying it out and getting it out there my goal with this one is to get it formatted for playtesting. its a three player game, players taking on the role of either The Lady, The Tiger, or The Accused, and answering the prompts as such. i really love it, but it needs to be played by people and revised before ill feel comfortable declaring it finished.

also, i want to actually crowdfund and print this one, with art and editing and maybe some pretty extras and such. so my goal is to start playtesting it by my birthday, the 17th of march. after that... im not sure! crowdfunding it by the end of the year would be wild i think, since, in true For The Queen style, id love to get a gaggle of artists to draw Princess cards for it, and that takes time! so the goal is more to have it ready for crowdfunding by the end of this year, and if that happens sooner then thats cool and good!

4- Someones Simple Book of Spells Volume One: Paper. This one is also FULLY WRITTEN *sounds of agony in the distance* i just need to LAY IT OUT

and honestly since i already know how i want to lay it out lets put this one for the end of april. yes this is pretty much a game a month for the next bit but theyre all SO CLOSEEEE to being done anyways its just that final push, i could accomplish most of these goals in a weekend if i just did it so. im going to!! do it!!!

5- ok finally, one thats actually not almost finished, its The Center of the Known Universe. a small anthology of games originally started for the weird west jam but never finished.

its got some of my favorite concepts ive ever thought of though, a game about aliens freezing time in a small western town and LARPing as cowboys, two wild west wizards battling it out at high noon, a game about supernatural cowboys falling in love while experiencing all the seasons of the desert, and more. its a love letter to the small desert town i currently live in, and i want to see it come into being. im going to give myself the summer for this, lets say the goal is to have the full first draft written by september. i also would love for this one to go into print, so a secondary goal is to have it ready to crowdfund in time for ZineMonth 2024, so february of next year.

i think thats probably all the projects i can set goals for this year, october-december is always very busy for me so im not gonna set anything besides the two i want to get ready for crowdfunding in 2024, though i do have several other half written games lying about (looks nervously at my over-4000 word “ttrpg ideas” doc).

maybe ill get into the swing of actually finishing games and get to them as well! but if not thats just fine :3

you can always find all my games over on the Grey Jay Games itch.io page, and i may make a sideblog just for GJG, but for the moment all game news and stuff from me will be right here @resident-corvid​

[victimofthemusic]

Ok. For the DVD Commentary (it was very hard to choose a passage - this is one of the best fics in the fandom imo):

"Finally, Xavier’s eyes move from her face to her shoulder and he whispers, “Can I see it?”

Surprised and slightly taken aback, her first reaction is to say no, to admonish him for being greedy and asking too much of her, for taking more than she’s willing to give. 

But then she does what she refused to do last semester: she allows herself to look at him, really look at him, allows herself to see what he’s been trying to give her all along and she finds her own fears reflected back at her, the same fears she keeps under lock and key and buried six feet down in the depths of her soul. The same ones he allows to play out on his face, lurking like shadows in the depths of his eyes, his proverbial heart on his sleeve for her to see and hold and do with as she pleases, if she so wishes. 

It hits her, then, like a proverbial arrow to the shoulder, that the scar she bears on her shoulder was originally meant for his heart, the same heart he bears to her now. The same heart she almost died protecting by making the choice to step in front of that arrow. That same arrow that he shot originally to protect her, even though she had done everything she could to prove she didn’t need to be saved. This scar binds them together, connecting them in a way that’s unchangeable and undeniable, as sacred as any vow or promise that could be uttered between two people and even though it’s been imprinted into her skin forever, it’s Xavier’s scar, too. This piece of her body is no longer just hers, it belongs to him, too. "

For a fic commentary on any one of my fics, please see this post here

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Oh my gosh first things first--thank you so much @jandjsalmon for not just participating, but for saying such sweet things and for even reading this fic in the first place🥺❤️

And secondly, I'm going to tell you a secret--this is my favorite scene in this entire fic and I'm so happy this is the one you chose🖤

I struggled a lot with this fic--I have four different drafts sitting in my google docs and I kept re-writing and re-writing, because I was so nervous about my portrayal of Wednesday and for some reason, I kept thinking back to that scene in the last episode, where she takes the arrow for Xavier and I kept getting stuck on the significance of what that meant--quite literally putting your own life on the line for someone else, sticking your neck out for someone in order to keep them safe, to protect them in such a visceral way. And for me, that little moment, that's signifies Wednesday's shift in her feelings for Xavier--or at least, an unconscious acknowledgement of what she feels for him.

And my thoughts kind of...spiraled from there.

It's hinted at throughout the show that Xavier and Wednesday are somehow linked--not only are their powers similar, but Wednesday keeps getting compared--by both Goody and Morticia-- to a raven throughout the show and in the first episode, Xavier is seen painting a mural of ravens. They also have a habit of saving each other--Wednesday saving Xavier from being burned alive in his Godmother's coffin and Xavier pushing her out of the way of the gargoyle in the first episode.

It just seems to be this pattern, this cycle, of them looking out for each other, protecting each other and I really wanted some physical evidence of that, tangible proof to tell that story.

And that's when I realized, the only scar--physically, at least-- Wednesday would carry from that night would be the one left behind by the arrow. Goody healed her stab wounds, but this one scar--she would have that one forever. And it's one she bears because she stepped in front of that arrow to save Xavier's life.

Wednesday is a very solitary creature, who is admittedly selfish, likes control, has self-preservation instincts a mile wide and doesn't do things without thinking it through and this scar, to me, would contradict all of these things--tangible proof that for one moment, she didn't think, she put someone before herself and risked her life to save someone else. And not just anyone, but Xavier--someone who she felt she couldn't trust, but I would also wager to believe she knew she could trust him, but didn't understand why she knew that, why her body seemed to know that and she projected that suspicion onto him.

And I felt like this scar would be something Wednesday would struggle to come to terms with--because of everything it represented to her. And I think the memory of how she got that scar, what she did to earn it, would be something that held a significance to Wednesday.

(And it didn't escape my notice--or Wednesdays--that the scar would be shaped like an X, too😏)

And to me, this scene, it shows Wednesday surrendering to a truth that she's known all along--that Xavier is a part of her, that they're lives are linked, somehow, someway and for someone who struggles with emotions like Wednesday, this would be the only way she'd be able to show him that. And I think that would mean more to Xavier than anything else--Wednesday, bearing this part of herself to him, because it says more than those three words could.

(Wednesday would totally be the type to romanticize scars and this is a hill I'll die on)

Scars tell stories--where we've been, what we've been through, what we've survived--and once I latched onto this concept, the writing of this story happened organically and came so naturally, it wrote itself.

I'm so sorry for this long winded rant, I swear I didn't mean to make it this long and I will give you so much credit if you bother to read any of this rambling over just a five hundred word section of a fic.

Sigh.

Music is a big part of how I write and in case you're interested the top five songs I listened to when writing this were:

1). Snow on the Beach by Taylor Swift

2). Maroon By Taylor Swift

3). Labyrinth By Taylor Swift

4). California by Lana Del Rey

5). Anyone Else by PVRIS

And a bonus track:

6). Strangeness And Charm by Florence + the Machine

I hope you enjoyed this little bit (ha, more like a lot of bit, again I'm so sorry💀) of commentary and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble about something I'm so very passionate about❤️

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If anyone else would like to participate in something like this, simply pick one of my fics from here or ao3 and choose a 500 word section to get background info, commentary, a more in depth explanation, funny little anecdotes or what I was thinking when writing said scene, feel free to send it to me in my asks🖤 this was so much fun to do and I’d love to do more🖤

Credit to this post here

🖤